The Project Gutenberg eBook, Rippling Rhymes, by Walt Mason
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Title: Rippling Rhymes
Author: Walt Mason
Release Date: September 21, 2007 [eBook #22692]
Language: English
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RIPPLING RHYMES
To Suit The Times
All Sorts of Themes Embracin'
Some Gay
Some Sad
Some not so Bad
AS
WRITTEN BY
(Signature of)
WALT MASON
[Frontispiece: The Umpire]
Chicago
A. C. McClurg & Co.
1913
Copyright
A. C. McClurg & Co.
1913
Published October, 1913
Copyrighted in Great Britain
For permission to use copyright prose poems in this book thanks are
extended to the editors and publishers of Harper's Magazine, Harper's
Weekly, The Ladies' Home Journal, System, The Magazine of Business, The
Popular Magazine, Collier's Weekly, The Smart Set Magazine, The
American Magazine and Lippincott's Magazine.
To
GEORGE MATTHEW ADAMS
Who teaches poets how to win.
And helps to make the glad world grin,
And sticks to friends through thick and thin.
ONE MOMENT, PLEASE!
Walt Mason's poetry is in a class by itself. Although having the
appearance of prose the rhythm is perfect and the philosophy that runs
through his lines is illumined by an irresistible humor. There is a
quaintness about his style that makes his writings a continuing delight.
I began to read Walt twenty-five years ago and although he has drawn
upon his intellectual store constantly for more than a quarter of a
century the fountain of his genius still is flowing with undiminished
volume and the waters are as pure as in the idealistic days of his
youth.
I have shared the satisfaction that his increasing fame has brought him
and have encouraged him to publish this collection that his readers,
now numbering people of many lands, may have permanent companionship
with him.
(Signature of)
William Jennings Bryan
CONTENTS
Title _First Published in_
Morning in Kansas
Editorial Influence . . . . . _Newspaperdom_
Farm Machinery
The Strong Men . . . . . . . . _Popular Magazine_
The Snowy Day
The Poor Man's Club . . . . . _Collier's Weekly_
Words and Deeds
A Day of Rest
Use Your Head . . . . . . . . _The Butler Way_
The Gloomy Fan
The Purist . . . . . . . . . . _Lippincott's Magazine_
Qualifications . . . . . . . . _System Magazine_
The Pompous Man
Inefficient Men . . . . . . . _Popular Magazine_
Life's Injustice
The Politician
Random Shots
Look Pleasant, Please . . . . _Ladies Home Journal_
Courage . . . . . . . . . . . _Harper's Weekly_
Play Ball
The Old Songs
Guessing vs. Knowing . . . . . _System Magazine_
When Women Vote . . . . . . . _Ladies Home journal_
The Agent at the Door
Good and Bad Times . . . . . . _System Magazine_
Buccaneers . . . . . . . . . . _Popular Magazine_
St. Patrick's Day
Naming the Baby . . . . . . . _Harper's Weekly_
Won at Last . . . . . . . . . _Smart Set Magazine_
The Greatest Thing
The Umpire . . . . . . . . . . _Popular Magazine_
The Two Merchants . . . . . . _System Magazine_
Today's Motto
Some Protests
The Workers . . . . . . . . . _Collier's Weekly_
The Utilitarian . . . . . . . _Harper's Weekly_
Fireside Adventures . . . . . _Popular Magazine_
Hunting a Job
Old and New
The Handy Editor . . . . . . . _Newspaperdom_
The Sleeper Wakes
In Horseland
Inauguration Day, 1913 . . . . _Collier's Weekly_
Prayer of the Heathen
Theory and Practice . . . . . _Smart Set Magazine_
Fool and Sage
Then and Now . . . . . . . . . _Smart Set Magazine_
The Sleeper
Fooling Around . . . . . . . . _The Butler Way_
Guess Who
Trying Again . . . . . . . . . _Smart Set Magazine_
Iconoclasm . . . . . . . . . . _Harper's Magazine_
Gathering Roses
The Future Sport
Taking Advice
Post-Mortem Industry . . . . . _Smart Set Magazine_
The Conqueror
The Truthful Merchant . . . . _System Magazine_
Standing Pat . . . . . . . . . _Collier's Magazine_
The Outcast
Ode to Kansas
Domestic Happiness . . . . . . _Smart Set Magazine_
Celebrities . . . . . . . . . _Popular Magazine_
The Virtuous Editor . . . . . _Collier's Weekly_
This Dismal Age . . . . . . . _Popular Magazine_
Boost Things
The Adventurer . . . . . . . . _Popular Magazine_
They All Come Back
Home Builders
Failure and Success
The Open Road . . . . . . . . _Popular Magazine_
The Millionaires
Little Mistakes . . . . . . . _System Magazine_
Easy Morality
The Critic . . . . . . . . . . _Harper's Weekly_
The Old Timer . . . . . . . . _Popular Magazine_
The Bright Face . . . . . . . _The Butler Way_
Ladies and Gents
Autumn Joys
The Land of Bores . . . . . . _Smart Set Magazine_
Skilled Labor
An Editorial Soliloquy . . . . _Newspaperdom_
Youthful Grievances
Sunday
John Barleycorn . . . . . . . _Collier's Weekly_
Christmas Day . . . . . . . . _Popular Magazine_
A Crank's Thanksgiving . . . . _American Magazine_
The Brief Visit
ILLUSTRATIONS
The Umpire . . . . . . . . . _Frontispiece_
The Gloomy Fan
The Buccaneers
The Sleeper Wakes
The Conqueror
The Old Timer
MORNING IN KANSAS
There are lands beyond the ocean which are gray beneath their years,
where a hundred generations learned to sow and reap and spin; where the
sons of Shem and Japhet wet the furrow with their tears--and the
noontide is departed, and the night is closing in.
Long ago the shadows lengthened in the lands across the sea, and the
dusk is now enshrouding regions nearer home, alas! There are long
deserted homesteads in this country of the free--but it's morning here
in Kansas, and the dew is on the grass.
It is morning here in Kansas, and the breakfast bell is rung! We are
not yet fairly started on the work we mean to do; we have all the day
before us, for the morning is but young, and there's hope in every
zephyr, and the skies are bright and blue.
It is morning here in Kansas, and the dew is on the sod; as the
builders of an empire it is ours to do our best; with our hands at work
in Kansas, and our faith and trust in God, we shall not be counted idle
when the sun sinks in the West.
EDITORIAL INFLUENCE
It is a solemn thing, to think when you sit down to splatter ink, that
what you write, in prose or verse, may be a blessing or a curse. The
gems of thought that you impart may upward guide some mind and heart;
some youth may read your Smoking Stuff, and say: "That logic's good
enough; the path of virtue must be fine; I'll have no wickedness in
mine." And some day, when you're old and gray, that youth may come
along your way, and say, in language ringing true: "All that I've won I
owe to you! When I was young I read your rot; it hit a most responsive
spot, encouraged me for stress and strife, and made me choose the best
in life." And this will warm your heart and brain; you'll know you
have not lived in vain. But if you write disgusting dope, that thrusts
at Truth, and Faith and Hope; if you apologize for vice, and show that
wickedness is nice, it well may chance, when you are old, and in your
veins the blood runs cold, there'll come your way some dismal wreck,
who'll roast you sore, and cry: "By heck! And also I might say, by
gum! 'Twas you that put me on the bum! Your writings got me headed
wrong; you threw it into Virtue strong; and in the prison that you see,
I'm convict No. 23!"
FARM MACHINERY
We have things with cogs and pulleys that will stack and bale the hay,
we have scarecrows automatic that will drive the crows away; we have
riding cultivators, so we may recline at ease, as we travel up the corn
rows, to the tune of haws and gees; we have engines pumping water,
running churns and grinding corn, and one farmer that I know of has a
big steam dinner horn; all of which is very pleasant to reflect upon, I
think, but we need a good contrivance that will teach the calves to
drink.
Now, as in the days of Noah, man must take a massive pail, loaded up
with milk denatured, with a dash of Adam's ale, and go down among the
calfkins as the lion tamer goes 'mong the monarchs of the jungle, at
the famous three-ring shows; and the calves are fierce and hungry, and
they haven't sense to wait, till he gets a good position and has got
his bucket straight; and they act as though they hadn't e'en a
glimmering of sense, for they climb upon his shoulders ere he is inside
the fence, and they butt him in the stomach, and they kick him
everywhere, till he thinks he'd give a nickel for a decent chance to
swear; then they all get underneath him and capsize him in the mud, and
the milk runs down his whiskers and his garments in a flood, and you
really ought to see him when he goes back to his home quoting divers
pagan authors and the bards of ancient Rome. And he murmurs while he's
washing mud off at the kitchen sink: "What we need is a contraption
that will teach the calves to drink!"
We've machinery for planting, we've machines to reap and thrash, and
the housewife has an engine that will grind up meat for hash; we've
machines to do our washing and to wring the laundered duds, we've
machines for making cider and to dig the Burbank spuds; all about the
modern farmstead you may hear the levers clink, but we're shy of a
contrivance that will teach the calves to drink!
THE STRONG MEN
Behold the man of muscle, who wears the victor's crown! In gorgeous
scrap and tussle he pinned the others down. His brawn stands out in
hummocks, he like a lion treads; he sits on foemen's stomachs and
stands them on their heads. The strong men of all regions, the mighty
men of note, come here in beefy legions to try to get his goat; with
cordial smiles he greets them, and when we've raised a pot, upon the
mat he meets them and ties them in a knot. From Russia's frozen acres,
from Grecian ports they sail, and Turkey sends her fakers to gather in
the kale; old brooding Europe breeds them, these mighty men of brawn;
our Strong Man takes and kneads them, and puts their hopes in pawn.
Behold this puny fellow, this meek and humble chap! No doubt he'd show
up yellow if he got in a scrap. His face is pale and sickly, he's weak
of arm and knee; if trouble came he'd quickly shin up the nearest tree.
No hale man ever loves him; he stirs the sportsman's wrath; the whole
world kicks and shoves him and shoos him from the path. For who can
love a duffer so pallid, weak and thin, who seems resigned to suffer
and let folks rub it in? Yet though he's down to zero in fellow-men's
esteem, this fellow is a hero and that's no winter dream. Year after
year he's toiling, as toiled the slaves of Rome, to keep the pot
a-boiling in his old mother's home. Through years of gloom and
sickness he kept the wolf away; for him no tailored slickness, for him
no brave array; for him no cheerful vision of wife and kids a few; for
him no dreams Elysian--just toil, the long years through! Forever
trying, straining, to sidestep debtors' woes, unnoticed, uncomplaining,
the little Strong Man goes!
THE SNOWY DAY
I like to watch the children play, upon a wintry, snowy day; like
little elves they run about, and leap and slide, and laugh and shout.
This side of heaven can there be such pure and unmixed ecstacy? I lean
upon ye rustic stile, and watch the children with a smile, and think
upon a vanished day, when I, as joyous, used to play, when all the
world seemed young and bright, and every hour had its delight; and, as
I brush away a tear, a snowball hits me in the ear.
THE POOR MAN'S CLUB
The poor man's club is a genial place--if the poor man has the price;
there's a balmy smile on the barkeep's face, and bottles of goods on
ice; the poor man's club is a place designed to brighten our darkened
lives, and send us home, when we're halfway blind, in humor to beat our
wives. So hey for the wicker demi-john and the free-lunch brand of
grub! We'll wassail hold till the break of dawn, we friends of the
poor man's club! It's here we barter our bits of news in our sweat
stained hand-me-downs; it's here we swallow the children's shoes and
the housewives hats and gowns. It's here we mortgage the house and
lot, the horse and the muley cow; the poor man's club is a cheerful
spot, so open a bottle now! From brimming glasses we'll blow the foam
till the midnight hour arrives, when we'll gayly journey the long way
home and merrily beat our wives. We earn our dimes like the horse or
ox, we toil like the fabled steer, and then we journey a dozen blocks
to blow in the dimes for beer. While the women work at the washing tub
to add to our scanty hoard, we happily meet at the poor man's club,
where never a soul is bored. We recklessly squander our minted brawn,
and the clubhouse owner thrives; and we'll homeward go at the break of
dawn and joyously beat our wives.
WORDS AND DEEDS
A fire broke out in Bildad's shack and burned it to the ground; and
Bildad, with his roofless pack, sent up a doleful sound. And I, who
lived the next door west, hard by the county jail, went over there and
beat my breast, and helped poor Bildad wail. Around the ruined home I
stepped, and viewed the shaking walls, and people say the way I wept
would beat Niagara Falls. Then words of sympathy I dealt to Bildad and
his wife; such kindly words, I've always felt, nerve people for the
strife. If I can kill with words your fears, or argue grief away, or
drown your woe by shedding tears, call on me any day. I have a
sympathetic heart that bleeds for others' aches, and I will ease your
pain and smart unless the language breaks. And so to Bildad and his
mate I made a helpful talk, with vital truths that elevate and break
disasters' shock; I pointed out that stricken men should not yield to
the worst, but from the wreckage rise again like flame from torch
reversed.
Then Johnson interrupted me as I was growing hoarse. A rude, offensive
person he, a tactless man and coarse.
He said to Bildad, "Well, old pard! You are burned out I see! You
can't keep house here in your yard, so come and live with me!"
The neighbors who had gathered round applauded Johnson then, declaring
that at last they'd found the kindliest of men; not one appreciative
voice for me, who furnished tears, who made the sad man's heart
rejoice, and drove way his fears!
A DAY OF REST
I'm glad there is a day of rest, one day in every seven, when worldly
cares cannot molest, and we may dream of heaven. The week day labor
that we do, is highly necessary, but if our tasks were never through,
if they should never vary, we'd soon be covered o'er with mold, from
bridle-bits to breeching; so let the Sabbath bells be tolled, and let
us hear the preaching!
USE YOUR HEAD
If a man would be a winner, whether he's a clerk or tinner, whether
he's a butcher, banker, or a dealer in rye bread, he must show his
brains are bully, he must understand it fully that a man can't be an
Eli if he doesn't use his head.
There was old man Hiram Horner, once located on the corner, where he
sold his prunes and codfish and dried apples by the pound; he was
always mighty busy; it would fairly make you dizzy just to watch old
Uncle Hiram as he chased himself around. He got down when day was
breaking, always ready to be raking in the pennies of the people if
they chanced to come that way; he was evermore on duty till the
midnight whistles, tooty, sent him home, where he'd be fussing to begin
another day. Yet old Hiram soon was busted, and you'll see him now,
disgusted, whacking mules in worthy effort to attain his daily bread;
he was diligent, deserving, from good morals never swerving but he lost
his grip in business for he didn't use his head. He was always
overloaded with a lot of junk corroded, he was always short of goodlets
that the people seem to need; he would trust the dead beat faker till
he'd bad bills by the acre, and he's now at daily labor, with his
whiskers gone to seed.
There is Theodore P. Tally in his store across the alley; you will see
he takes it easy, not a button does he shed; you can hear the wheels
revolving in his brow while he's resolving to get rich by drawing
largely on the contents of his head.
It is well to use your fingers blithely while the daylight lingers, it
is well to use your trilbys with a firm and active tread; it is good to
rustle daily, doing all your duties gaily, but in all your divers
doings, never fail to use your head.
THE GLOOMY FAN
O the gloomy fan is a mournful man, and he fills my soul with sorrow;
he watched the play with a frown today, and he'll scowl at the game
tomorrow. He ambles in when the games begin, a soul by the gods
forgotten; and he eyes the play in his morbid way, and he yells out
"punk!" and "rotten!" No player yet, be he colt or vet, won praise
from this critic gloomy; he'll sit and scowl like a poisoned owl, and
his eyes are red and rheumy; and his blood is thin and his heart is
tin, and his head is stuffed with cotton; and he merely sits, throwing
frequent fits, and he calls out "punk!" and "rotten!" He casts a pall
on the bleachers all, and he breaks the hearts of players; he gives the
dumps to his nibs the umps, who would spread him out in layers; he
queers the game and he chills the frame of the man on the bases
trottin', with his fish-like eyes and his mournful sighs, and his cries
of "punk!" and "rotten!"
[Illustration: The Gloomy Fan]
THE PURIST
"William Henry," said the parent, and his voice was sad and stern, "I
detest the slang you're using; will you never, never learn that correct
use of our language is a thing to be desired? All your common bughouse
phrases make the shrinking highbrow tired. There is nothing more
delightful than a pure and careful speech, and the man who weighs his
phrases always stacks up as a peach, while the guy who shoots his
larynx in a careless slipshod way looms up as a selling plater, people
brand him for a jay. In my youth my father soaked me if I entered his
shebang handing out a line of language that he recognized as slang. He
would take me to the cellar, down among the mice and rats, and with
nice long sticks of stovewood he'd play solos on my slats. Thus I
gained a deep devotion for our language undented, and it drives me
nearly batty when I hear my only child springing wads of hard boiled
language such as dips and yegg-men use, and I want a reformation or
I'll stroke you with my shoes. Using slang is just a habit, just a
cheap and dopey trick; if you hump yourself and try to, you can shake
it pretty quick. Watch my curves and imitate them, weigh your words
before they're sprung, and in age you'll bless the habit that you
formed when you were young."
QUALIFICATIONS
I went around to Thompson's store and asked him if he'd give me
work--for Thompson, in the Daily Roar, was advertising for a clerk. He
looked me over long and well, and then enquired: "What can you do? Do
you in anything excel? If you've strong points, just name a few." His
manner dashed my sunny smile, I seemed to feel my courage fall; I had
to ponder for a while my strongest features to recall.
"Well, I a motor boat can sail, and I a 4-horse team can tool; and I
can tell a funny tale and play a splendid game of pool. I'm good at
going into debt and counting chicks before they hatch, and I can roll a
cigarette or referee a wrestling match.
"There was a time," the merchant said, "when qualities like those were
fine; alas, those good old days are dead! The mixer's fallen out of
line! The business houses turn him down, and customers no longer sigh
for one to show them through the town, and open pints of Extra Dry!
The salesman of these modern days must study things he wants to sell,
instead of haunting Great White Ways and painting cities wildly well.
He must be sober as a judge, he must be genial and polite, from
virtue's path he'll never budge, he'll keep his record snowy white.
Into the world of commerce go and mark the ways of business men; forget
the list of things you know and then come here and try again."
In his remarks there was no bile; with sympathy he gently laughed, and
dropped me, with a kindly smile, adown the elevator shaft.
THE POMPOUS MAN
I do not like the pompous man; I do not wish him for a friend; he's
built on such a gorgeous plan, that he can only condescend; and when he
bows his neck is sprained; he walks as though he owned the earth--as
though his vest and shirt contained all that there is of Sterling
Worth. With sacred joy I see him tread, upon a stray banana rind, and
slide a furlong on his head and leave a trail of smoke behind.
INEFFICIENT MEN
King Alfred, in a rude disguise, was resting in the cowherd's cot; the
cowherd's wife was baking pies, and had her oven smoking hot.
"You watch these pies," exclaimed the frau; "I have to chase myself
outdoors, and see what ails the spotted cow, the way she bawls around
and roars."
King Alfred said he'd watch the pies; then started thinking of the
Danes, who fooled him with their tricks and lies, and put his bleeding
realm in chains. He studied plans to gain his own, fair visions rose
before his eyes; he'd hew a pathway to his throne--and he forgot the
matron's pies. And then the cowherd's wife came in; she smelled the
smoke, she gave a shout; she biffed him with the rolling pin, and
cried: "Ods fish, you useless lout! You are not worth the dynamite
'twould take to blow you off the map! Your head is not upholstered
right--you are a worthless trifling chap!"
When on his throne King Alfred sat, that woman had an inward ache; she
chewed the feathers from her hat because she'd made so bad a break.
It isn't safe, my friends, to say that any man's a failure flat because
he cannot shovel hay, or climb a tree, or skin a cat. The man who's
awkward with a saw, who cannot hammer in a nail, may in the future
practice law and fill his bins with shining kale. The ne'er-do-well
who cannot cook the luscious egg his hen has laid, may yet sit down and
write a book that makes the big best sellers fade. The man who blacks
your boots today, and envies you your rich cigar, next year may have
the right of way while touring in his private car.
It isn't safe at men to jeer however awkwardly they tread; they yet may
find their proper sphere--no man's a failure till he's dead.
LIFE'S INJUSTICE
The learned man labors in his lair, and trains his telescope across a
million leagues of air, among the stars to grope. He would increase
the little store of knowledge we possess, and so he toils forever more,
and often in distress. His whiskers and his hair are long, and in the
zephyrs wave, because--alas! such things are wrong--he can't afford a
shave. His trousers bag about the knees, his ancient coat's a botch;
his shoes allow his feet to freeze, he bears a dollar watch. And when
the grocer's store he seeks to buy a can of hash, in frigid tones the
merchant speaks: "I'll have to have the cash!" And when he's dead a
hundred years the people will arise, and praise the man who found new
spheres cavorting through the skies. The children in the public
schools will learn to bless his name, and guide their studies by his
rules, and glory in his fame. And in the graveyard, where he went
unhonored by the town, a big fat marble monument will hold the wise man
down.
The low-brow spars a dozen rounds, before an audience, and he is loaded
down with pounds, and shillings, crowns and pence. Where'er he goes
the brawny Goth is lionized by all, like Caesar, when he cut a swath
along the Lupercal. Promoters grovel at his feet, and offer heaps of
scads, if he will condescend to meet some other bruising lads. The
daily journals print his face some seven columns wide, call him the
glory of the race, the nation's hope and pride. And having thus become
our boast, the wonder of our age, he battles with his larynx most, and
elevates the stage. In fifty years when people speak the savant's name
with pride, the pug's renown you'll vainly seek--it with its owner died.
There may be consolation there for him who bravely tries to solve great
problems in his lair, and make the world more wise; but when the world
is really wise--may that day come eftsoons!--we'll give the men of
learning pies, and give the fighters prunes.
THE POLITICIAN
I will not say that blade is black, nor yet that white is white; for
rash assertions oft come back, and put us in a plight. Some people
hold that black is white, and some that white is black; to me the
neutral course looks right; I take the middle track. If I should say
that black is white, and white is black, today, some one would mix the
two tonight--tomorrow they'd be gray. In politics I wish to thrive,
and swiftly forge ahead, so dare not say that I'm alive, nor swear that
I am dead. You say that fishes climb the trees, that cows on wings do
fly, I can't dispute such facts as these, so patent to the eye; with
any man I will agree, no odds what he defends, if he will only vote for
me, and boom me to his friends.
RANDOM SHOTS
I shot an arrow into the air, it fell in the distance, I knew not
where, till a neighbor said that it killed his calf, and I had to pay
him six and a half ($6.50). I bought some poison to slay some rats,
and a neighbor swore that it killed his cats; and, rather than argue
across the fence, I paid him four dollars and fifty cents ($4.50). One
night I set sailing a toy balloon, and hoped it would soar till it
reached the moon; but the candle fell out, on a farmer's straw, and he
said I must settle or go to law. And that is the way with the random
shot; it never hits in the proper spot; and the joke you spring, that
you think so smart, may leave a wound in some fellow's heart.
LOOK PLEASANT, PLEASE!
"Look pleasant, please!" the photo expert told me, for I had pulled a
long and gloomy face; and then I let a wide, glad smile enfold me and
hold my features in its warm embrace.
"Look pleasant, please!" My friends, we really ought to cut out these
words and put them in a frame; long, long we'd search to find a better
motto to guide and help us while we play the game. Look pleasant,
please, when you have met reverses, when you beneath misfortune's
stroke are bent, when all your hopes seem riding round in hearses--a
scowling brow won't help you worth a cent. Look pleasant, please, when
days are dark and dismal and all the world seems in a hopeless fix; the
clouds won't go because your grief's abysmal, the sun won't shine the
sooner for your kicks. Look pleasant, please, when Grip--King of
diseases, has filled your system with his microbes vile; I know it's
hard, but still, between your sneezes, you may be able to produce a
smile. Look pleasant, please, whatever trouble galls you; a gloomy
face won't cure a single pain. Look pleasant, please, whatever ill
befalls you, for gnashing teeth is weary work and vain.
Look pleasant, please, and thus inspire your brothers to raise a smile
and pass the same along; forget yourself and think a while of others,
and do your stunt with gladsome whoop and song.
COURAGE
Brave men are they who set their faces toward the polar bergs and
floes, who roam the wild, unpeopled places, perchance to find among the
snows a resting-place remote and lonely; a winding-sheet of deathless
white, where elemental voices only disturb the brooding year-long night.
Brave souls are they whose man-made pinions have borne them over plains
and seas, who conquered wide and new dominions, and strapped a saddle
on the breeze. Their engine-driven wings are wearing new pathways
through the realm of clouds; they play with death, with dauntless
daring, to please the breathless, fickle crowds.
Brave men go forth to distant regions, forsaking luxury and ease;
through all the years they've gone in legions, to unknown lands, o'er
stormy seas; and when, by sword or fever smitten, they blithely
journeyed to the grave, full well they knew their names were written
down in the annals of the brave.
I am as brave as any rover described in gay, romantic screeds, but,
when my fitful life is over, no epic will narrate my deeds. Condemned
to silent heroism, I go my unmarked way alone, and no one hands me
prune or prism, as token that my deeds are known. But yesterday my
teeth were aching, and to the painless dentist's lair I took my way,
unawed, unquaking, and sat down in the fatal chair. He dug around my
rumbling molars with drawing-knives and burglars' tools, and cross-cut
saws and patent rollers, and marlinspikes and two-foot rules. He
climbed upon my lap and prodded with crowbar and with garden spade, to
see that I was not defrauded of all the agony that's made. He pulled
and yanked and pried and twisted, and uttered oft his battle shout, and
now and then his wife assisted--till finally the teeth came out. And
never once while thus he pottered around my torn and mangled jowl--not
once, while I was being slaughtered, did I let out a single howl! No
brass-bands played, none sang a ditty of triumph as I took my way; no
signs of "Welcome to Our City" were hung across the street that day!
Thus you and I and plain, plug mortals may show a courage high and
fine, and be obscure, while some jay chortles in triumph where the
limelights shine.
PLAY BALL
"Play ball!" you hear the fans exclaim, when weary of a dragging game,
when all the players pause to state their theories in a joint debate,
or when they go about their biz as though they had the rheumatiz. And
if they do not heed the hunch that's given by the bleachers bunch, they
find, when next they start to play, that all the fans have stayed away.
The talking graft is all in vain, and loafers give the world a pain.
The fans who watch the game of life despise the sluggard in the strife.
They'll have but little use for you, who tell what you intend to do,
and hand out promises galore, but, somehow, never seem to score. No
matter what your stunt may be, in this the country of the free, you'll
find that loafing never pays; cut out the flossy grand stand plays; put
in your hardest licks and whacks, and get right down to Old Brass
Tacks, and, undismayed by bruise or fall, go right ahead--in short,
play ball!
THE OLD SONGS
The modern airs are cheerful, melodious and sweet; we hear them sung
and whistled all day upon the street. Some lilting ragtime ditty
that's rollicking and gay will gain the public favor and hold it--for a
day. But when the day is ended, and we are tired and worn, and more
than half persuaded that man was made to mourn, how soothing then the
music our fathers used to know! The songs of sense and feeling, the
songs of long ago! The "Jungle Joe" effusions and kindred roundelays
will do to hum and whistle throughout our busy days; and in the garish
limelight the yodelers may yell, and Injun songs may flourish--and all
is passing well, but when to light the heavens the shining stars
return, and in the cottage windows the lights begin to burn, when
parents and their children are seated by the fire, remote from worldly
clamor and all the world's desire, when eyes are soft and shining, and
hearths with love aglow, how pleasant is the sinking of songs of long
ago!
GUESSING VS. KNOWING
If I were selling nails or glass, or pills or shoes or garden sass, or
honey from the bee--whatever line of goods were mine, I'd study up that
special line and know its history.
If I a stock of rags should keep, I'd read up sundry books on sheep and
wool and how it grows. Beneath my old bald, freckled roof, I'd store
some facts on warp and woof and other things like those. I'd try to
know a spinning-jack from patent churn or wagon rack, a loom from
hog-tight fence; and if a man came in to buy, and asked some leading
question, I could answer with some sense.
If I were selling books, I'd know a Shakespeare from an Edgar Poe, a
Carlyle from a Pope; and I would know Fitzgerald's rhymes from Laura
Libbey's brand of crimes, or Lillian Russell's dope.
If I were selling shoes, I'd seize the fact that on gooseberry trees,
good leather doesn't grow; that shoe pegs do not grow like oats, that
cowhide doesn't come from goats--such things I'd surely know.
And if I were a grocer man. I'd open now and then a can to see what
stuff it held; 'twere better than to writhe in woe and make reply, "I
didn't know," when some mad patron yelled.
I hate to hear a merchant say: "I think that this is splendid hay," "I
guess it's first class tea." He ought to know how good things are, if
he would sell his silk or tar or other goods to me. Oh, knowledge is
the stuff that wins; the man without it soon begins to get his trade in
kinks. No matter where a fellow goes, he's valued for the things he
knows, not for the things he thinks.
WHEN WOMEN VOTE
"Jane Samantha," said the husband, as he donned his hat and coat, "I
would offer a suggestion ere you go to cast your vote. We have had a
bitter struggle through this strenuous campaign, and the issues are
important, and they stand out clear and plain. Colonel Whitehead
stands for progress--for the uplift that we need: he invites
investigation of his every word and deed. He's opposed to all the
ringsters and to graft of every kind; he's a man of spotless record,
clean and pure in heart and mind. His opponent, Major Bounder, stands
for all that I abhor; plunder, ring rule and corruption you will see
him working for; all the pluggers and the heelers stood by him in this
campaign--so I ask your vote for Whitehead and the uplift, dearest
Jane."
"William Henry," said the housewife, "I am sorry to decline, but the
wife of Colonel Whitehead never was a friend of mine. Last July she
gave a party--you recall her Purple Tea?--and invited all the
neighbors, but she said no word to me. I don't care about your issues
or your uplift or your ring, but I won't support the husband of that
silly, stuck-up thing!"
Major Bounder was the victor on that day of stress and strife, for it
seemed that many women didn't like the Colonel's wife.
THE AGENT AT THE DOOR
"Away with you, stranger!" exclaimed Mrs. Granger, "avaunt and
skedaddle! Come here never more! You agents are making me crazy and
breaking my heart, and I beg that you'll trot from my door! I've
bought nutmeg graters, shoelaces and gaiters, I've bought everything
from a lamp to a lyre; I've bought patent heaters and saws and egg
beaters and stoves that exploded and set me afire."
"You're laboring under a curious blunder," the stranger protested; "I
know very well that agents are trying, and dames tired of buying; but
be not uneasy--I've nothing to sell."
"I'm used to that story--it's whiskered and hoary," replied Mrs.
Granger, "you want to come in, and then when you enter, in tones of a
Stentor you'll brag of your polish for silver and tin. Or maybe you're
dealing in unguents healing, or dye for the whiskers, or salve for the
corns, or something that quickens egg-laying in chickens, or knobs for
the cattle to wear on their horns. It's no use your talking, you'd
better be walking, and let me go on with my housework, I think; you
look dissipated, if truth must be stated, and if you had money you'd
spend it for drink."
"My name," said the stranger, who backed out of danger--the woman had
reached for the broom by the wall--"is Septimus Beecher; I am the new
preacher; I just dropped around for a pastoral call."
GOOD AND BAD TIMES
"Times are so bad I have the blues," says Bilderbeck, who deals in
shoes. "All day I loaf around my store, and folks don't come here any
more; I reckon they have barely cash to buy cigars and corn beef hash,
and when they've bought the grub to eat, they can't afford to clothe
their feet.
"There's something wrong when trade's thus pinched," says he, "and
someone should be lynched. The cost of living is so high that it's
economy to die; and death is so expensive, then, that corpses want to
live again. The trusts have robbed us left and right, and there's no
remedy in sight; the government is out of plumb and should be knocked
to Kingdom Come."
And Ganderson, across the street, is selling furniture for feet. "All
day he hands out boots and shoes with cheerful cockadoodledoos. I have
no reason to complain," says Ganderson; all kicks are vain; my
customers don't come to hear me raising thunder by the year.
"They have some troubles of their own, and do not care to hear me
groan. And so I beam around my place, and wear a smile that splits my
face, and gather in the shining dime--trade's getting better all the
time!"
Though days be dark and trade be tough, it's always well to make a
bluff, to face the world with cheerful eye, as though the goose were
hanging high. No merchant ever made a friend by dire complainings
without end. And people never seek a store to hear a grouchy merchant
roar; they'll patronize the wiser gent who doesn't air his discontent.
LOOK PLEASANT, PLEASE!
"Look pleasant, please!" the photo expert told me, for I had pulled a
long and gloomy face; and then I let a wide, glad smile enfold me and
hold my features in its warm embrace.
"Look pleasant, please!" My friends, we really ought to cut out these
words and put them in a frame; long, long we'd search to find a better
motto to guide and help us while we play the game. Look pleasant,
please, when you have met reverses, when you beneath misfortune's
stroke are bent, when all your hopes seem riding round in hearses--a
scowling brow won't help you worth a cent. Look pleasant, please, when
days are dark and dismal and all the world seems in a hopeless fix; the
clouds won't go because your grief's abysmal, the sun won't shine the
sooner for your kicks. Look pleasant, please, when Grip--King of
diseases, has filled your system with his microbes vile; I know it's
hard, but still, between your sneezes, you may be able to produce a
smile. Look pleasant, please, whatever trouble galls you; a gloomy
face won't cure a single pain. Look pleasant, please, whatever ill
befalls you, for gnashing teeth is weary work and vain.
Look pleasant, please, and thus inspire your brothers to raise a smile
and pass the same along; forget yourself and think a while of others,
and do your stunt with gladsome whoop and song.
COURAGE
Brave men are they who set their faces toward the polar bergs and
floes, who roam the wild, unpeopled places, perchance to find among the
snows a resting-place remote and lonely; a winding-sheet of deathless
white, where elemental voices only disturb the brooding year-long night.
Brave souls are they whose man-made pinions have borne them over plains
and seas, who conquered wide and new dominions, and strapped a saddle
on the breeze. Their engine-driven wings are wearing new pathways
through the realm of clouds; they play with death, with dauntless
daring, to please the breathless, fickle crowds.
Brave men go forth to distant regions, forsaking luxury and ease;
through all the years they've gone in legions, to unknown lands, o'er
stormy seas; and when, by sword or fever smitten, they blithely
journeyed to the grave, full well they knew their names were written
down in the annals of the brave.
I am as brave as any rover described in gay, romantic screeds, but,
when my fitful life is over, no epic will narrate my deeds. Condemned
to silent heroism, I go my unmarked way alone, and no one hands me
prune or prism, as token that my deeds are known. But yesterday my
teeth were aching, and to the painless dentist's lair I took my way,
unawed, unquaking, and sat down in the fatal chair. He dug around my
rumbling molars with drawing-knives and burglars' tools, and cross-cut
saws and patent rollers, and marlinspikes and two-foot rules. He
climbed upon my lap and prodded with crowbar and with garden spade, to
see that I was not defrauded of all the agony that's made. He pulled
and yanked and pried and twisted, and uttered oft his battle shout, and
now and then his wife assisted--till finally the teeth came out. And
never once while thus he pottered around my torn and mangled jowl--not
once, while I was being slaughtered, did I let out a single howl! No
brass-bands played, none sang a ditty of triumph as I took my way; no
signs of "Welcome to Our City" were hung across the street that day!
Thus you and I and plain, plug mortals may show a courage high and
fine, and be obscure, while some jay chortles in triumph where the
limelights shine.
PLAY BALL
"Play ball!" you hear the fans exclaim, when weary of a dragging game,
when all the players pause to state their theories in a joint debate,
or when they go about their biz as though they had the rheumatiz. And
if they do not heed the hunch that's given by the bleachers bunch, they
find, when next they start to play, that all the fans have stayed away.
The talking graft is all in vain, and loafers give the world a pain.
The fans who watch the game of life despise the sluggard in the strife.
They'll have but little use for you, who tell what you intend to do,
and hand out promises galore, but, somehow, never seem to score. No
matter what your stunt may be, in this the country of the free, you'll
find that loafing never pays; cut out the flossy grand stand plays; put
in your hardest licks and whacks, and get right down to Old Brass
Tacks, and, undismayed by bruise or fall, go right ahead--in short,
play ball!
THE OLD SONGS
The modern airs are cheerful, melodious and sweet; we hear them sung
and whistled all day upon the street. Some lilting ragtime ditty
that's rollicking and gay will gain the public favor and hold it--for a
day. But when the day is ended, and we are tired and worn, and more
than half persuaded that man was made to mourn, how soothing then the
music our fathers used to know! The songs of sense and feeling, the
songs of long ago! The "Jungle Joe" effusions and kindred roundelays
will do to hum and whistle throughout our busy days; and in the garish
limelight the yodelers may yell, and Injun songs may flourish--and all
is passing well, but when to light the heavens the shining stars
return, and in the cottage windows the lights begin to burn, when
parents and their children are seated by the fire, remote from worldly
clamor and all the world's desire, when eyes are soft and shining, and
hearths with love aglow, how pleasant is the singing of songs of long
ago!
GUESSING VS. KNOWING
If I were selling nails or glass, or pills or shoes or garden sass, or
honey from the bee--whatever line of goods were mine, I'd study up that
special line and know its history.
If I a stock of rags should keep, I'd read up sundry books on sheep and
wool and how it grows. Beneath my old bald, freckled roof, I'd store
some facts on warp and woof and other things like those. I'd try to
know a spinning-jack from patent churn or wagon rack, a loom from
hog-tight fence; and if a man came in to buy, and asked some leading
question, I could answer with some sense.
If I were selling books, I'd know a Shakespeare from an Edgar Poe, a
Carlyle from a Pope; and I would know Fitzgerald's rhymes from Laura
Libbey's brand of crimes, or Lillian Russell's dope.
If I were selling shoes, I'd seize the fact that on gooseberry trees,
good leather doesn't grow; that shoe pegs do not grow like oats, that
cowhide doesn't come from goats--such things I'd surely know.
And if I were a grocer man, I'd open now and then a can to see what
stuff it held; 'twere better than to writhe in woe and make reply, "I
didn't know," when some mad patron yelled.
I hate to hear a merchant say: "I think that this is splendid hay," "I
guess it's first class tea." He ought to know how good things are, if
he would sell his silk or tar or other goods to me. Oh, knowledge is
the stuff that wins; the man without it soon begins to get his trade in
kinks. No matter where a fellow goes, he's valued for the things he
knows, not for the things he thinks.
WHEN WOMEN VOTE
"Jane Samantha," said the husband, as he donned his hat and coat, "I
would offer a suggestion ere you go to cast your vote. We have had a
bitter struggle through this strenuous campaign, and the issues are
important, and they stand out clear and plain. Colonel Whitehead
stands for progress--for the uplift that we need: he invites
investigation of his every word and deed. He's opposed to all the
ringsters and to graft of every kind; he's a man of spotless record,
clean and pure in heart and mind. His opponent, Major Bounder, stands
for all that I abhor; plunder, ring rule and corruption you will see
him working for; all the pluggers and the heelers stood by him in this
campaign--so I ask your vote for Whitehead and the uplift, dearest
Jane."
"William Henry," said the housewife, "I am sorry to decline, but the
wife of Colonel Whitehead never was a friend of mine. Last July she
gave a party--you recall her Purple Tea?--and invited all the
neighbors, but she said no word to me. I don't care about your issues
or your uplift or your ring, but I won't support the husband of that
silly, stuck-up thing!"
Major Bounder was the victor on that day of stress and strife, for it
seemed that many women didn't like the Colonel's wife.
THE AGENT AT THE DOOR
"Away with you, stranger!" exclaimed Mrs. Granger, "avaunt and
skedaddle! Come here never more! You agents are making me crazy and
breaking my heart, and I beg that you'll trot from my door! I've
bought nutmeg graters, shoelaces and gaiters, I've bought everything
from a lamp to a lyre; I've bought patent heaters and saws and egg
beaters and stoves that exploded and set me afire."
"You're laboring under a curious blunder," the stranger protested; "I
know very well that agents are trying, and dames tired of buying; but
be not uneasy--I've nothing to sell."
"I'm used to that story--it's whiskered and hoary," replied Mrs.
Granger, "you want to come in, and then when you enter, in tones of a
Stentor you'll brag of your polish for silver and tin. Or maybe you're
dealing in unguents healing, or dye for the whiskers, or salve for the
corns, or something that quickens egg-laying in chickens, or knobs for
the cattle to wear on their horns. It's no use your talking, you'd
better be walking, and let me go on with my housework, I think; you
look dissipated, if truth must be stated, and if you had money you'd
spend it for drink."
"My name," said the stranger, who backed out of danger--the woman had
reached for the broom by the wall--"is Septimus Beecher; I am the new
preacher; I just dropped around for a pastoral call."
GOOD AND BAD TIMES
"Times are so bad I have the blues," says Bilderbeck, who deals in
shoes. "All day I loaf around my store, and folks don't come here any
more; I reckon they have barely cash to buy cigars and corn beef hash,
and when they've bought the grub to eat, they can't afford to clothe
their feet.
"There's something wrong when trade's thus pinched," says he, "and
someone should be lynched. The cost of living is so high that it's
economy to die; and death is so expensive, then, that corpses want to
live again. The trusts have robbed us left and right, and there's no
remedy in sight; the government is out of plumb and should be knocked
to Kingdom Come."
And Ganderson, across the street, is selling furniture for feet. "All
day he hands out boots and shoes with cheerful cockadoodledoos. I have
no reason to complain," says Ganderson; all kicks are vain; my
customers don't come to hear me raising thunder by the year.
"They have some troubles of their own, and do not care to hear me
groan. And so I beam around my place, and wear a smile that splits my
face, and gather in the shining dime--trade's getting better all the
time!"
Though days be dark and trade be tough, it's always well to make a
bluff, to face the world with cheerful eye, as though the goose were
hanging high. No merchant ever made a friend by dire complainings
without end. And people never seek a store to hear a grouchy merchant
roar; they'll patronize the wiser gent who doesn't air his discontent.
BUCCANEERS
(The Pirate of 1612)
Oh, once again my merry men and I are on the water with prospects fair,
with hearts to dare, and souls athirst for slaughter! Before the
breeze we scour the seas, our vessel low and raking, and men who find
our ship behind in mortal fear are quaking. We love the fight and our
delight grows as the strife increases; we slash and slay and hew our
way to win the golden pieces. To hear, to feel the clang of steel!
Ah, that, my men, is rapture! Our hearts are stern, we sink, we burn,
we kill the men we capture! Why mercy show when well we know that when
our course is ended, we all must die--they'll hang us high, unshaven,
undefended! Ah, wolves are we that roam the sea, and rend with savage
fury; as soft our mind, our hearts as kind will be judge and jury! To
rob and slay we go our way, our vessel low and raking; and men who hail
our ebon sail may well be chilled and quaking!
(The Pirate of 1912)
My heart is light and glad tonight, and life seems good and merry; my
coffer groans with golden bones I've pulled from the unwary. Ah,
raiment fine and gems are mine, and costly bibs and tuckers; I got my
rocks for mining stocks--I worked the jays and suckers. What though my
game is going lame--a jolt the courts just gave me--my lawyers gay will
find a way to beat the law and save me. I'll just lie low a year or so
until the row blows over, then I'll come back to my old shack and be
again in clover! I've fifty ways to work the jays and there's a
fortune in it! The sucker crop will never stop, for one is born each
minute.
[Illustration: Buccaneers]
ST. PATRICK'S DAY
Away with tears and sordid fears, no trouble will we borrow, but shed
our woes like winter clothes--it's Patrick's day tomorrow. With clubs
and rakes we'll chase the snakes, and send the toads a-flying, and
we'll be seen with ribbons green, all other hues decrying. In
grass-green duds we'll plant the spuds, where they can do no growing;
with flat and sharp we'll play the harp, and keep the music going.
Then let us yell, for all is well, the world's devoid of sorrow; the
toads are snared, the snakes are scared, it's Patrick's day tomorrow.
NAMING THE BABY
First I thought I'd call him Caesar; but my Uncle Ebenezer said that
name was badly hoodoed--wasn't Julius Caesar slain? Then I said, "I'll
call him Homer"; but my second cousin Gomer answered; "Homer was a
pauper, and he wrote his rhymes in vain." Long I pondered, worried
greatly seeking names both sweet and stately, something proud and high
and noble, such as ancient heroes bore. "I shall call him Alexander--"
but an innocent bystander muttered, "Aleck was a tyrant, and he
splashed around in gore." And my aunts said: "Only trust us, and we'll
name him Charles Augustus, which is princely and becoming, and will end
this foolish fuss." But my Cousin James objected: "Nothing else can be
expected, if you give him such a handle, but that folks will call him
Gus." "Let us call the darling Reggie," said my cheerful sister Peggy,
"which is short for Rex or Roland or some other kingly name." But my
Uncle George protested. "Surely," said he, "you but jested: never yet
did youth named Reggie scale the shining height of fame." Thus it was
for weeks together, and I often wondered whether other parents ever
suffered as I did upon the rack. All my uncles and my cousins and my
aunts gave tips by dozens, so I named the babe John Henry, and for
short we call him Jack.
WON AT LAST
I.
"Rise, Charles De Jones, rise, if you please; you don't look well upon
your knees. You say that I must be your bride; in all the whole blamed
countryside no other girl could fill your life with joy and sunshine,
as your wife. What can you offer--you who seek my hand? You draw ten
bucks a week. Shall I your Cheap John wigwam share, the daughter of a
millionaire, who early learned in wealth to bask? Shall I get down to
menial task? Go chase yourself! My hand shall go to one who has a
roll of dough!"
Thus spake Letitia Pinkham Brown, the fairest girl in all the town.
Her lover, crushed beneath the weight of blows from an unkindly fate,
rended his garments and his hair and turned away in dumb despair.
II.
Our hero's feet, of course, were cold, and yet his heart was strong and
bold. "It will not heal this wound of mine," he said, "to murmur and
repine. Though sad my heart, I'll sing and smile, and try to earn a
princely pile; and having got the bullion, then I'll ask her for her
hand again."
He quenched the yearnings of his heart and plunged into the clanging
mart as agent for a handsome book instructing women how to cook. His
volume sold to beat the band and wealth came in hand over hand; but
ever, as he scoured the town, he thought of 'Titia Pinkham Brown, and
scalding tears anon would rise and almost cook his steely eyes.
III.
Once more a lover knelt before Letitia Pinkham Brown and swore to
cherish her while life endures, "Come out of it," she said, "I'm yours."
He rose, a man of stately frame; J. Roland Percival his name. He had a
high, commanding mien, and seemed possessed of much long green; in
costly fabrics he was dressed, and diamonds flashed upon his breast.
"And so you're mine!" J. Roland cried. "You'll be my own and only
bride! Oh, joy, oh, rapture! I am It! Excuse me while I throw a fit.
Come to my arms, my precious dear! My darling love--but who comes
here?"
De Jones stood in the arbor door, and deadly was the smile he wore.
IV.
J. Roland cried in abject fear: "Great Scott! What are you doing here!
"Well may you ask," said Charles De Jones, in bitter, caustic, scathing
tones. "You've dodged me for a dozen weeks, but now--'tis the avenger
speaks--you'll have to pay up what you owe, or to the county jug you'll
go."
Then turning to the maiden fair, De Jones went on: "That villain there!
Four months ago I sold that man a cook book on th' installment plan.
He gave his solemn pledge to pay, for seven years, two cents a day. He
made two payments, then he flunked. I've hung around the place he
bunked, I've chased him through the rain and sleet, I've boned him on
the public street, I've shadowed him by night and day, but not a kopeck
would he pay. I'm weary of these futile sprints; I'll roast him in the
public prints, and give him such a bum renown he'll be a byword in the
town."
She viewed her lover in amaze, and cold and scornful was her gaze.
"And so the book you handed me, to plight our troth," with ire said
she, "you bought from Charlie here on tick? Skidoo! A deadbeat makes
me sick! I'll never marry any jay who can't dig up two cents a day!"
V.
"I have a bundle in the bank," said Charles, as on his knee he sank,
"and all of it is yours to blow, so let us to the altar go."
"I've learned some things," said L. P. Brown, "and now I would not turn
you down if you were busted flat, my dear; I've learned that love's the
one thing here that's worth a continental dam*; you ask for me--well,
here I am!"
* Dam--A former copper coin.--Dictionary.
THE GREATEST THING
The orator shrieks and clamors, and kicks up a lot of dust, and larrups
and whacks and hammers the weary old sinful Trust; the congressman
chirps and chatters, pursuing his dream of fame; but there's only one
thing that matters, and that is the baseball game. The pessimist rails
and wrangles, and takes up a lot of room and tells, in a voice that
jangles, his view of the nation's doom; we shy at his why and
wherefore, and balk at his theories lame; for there's only one thing we
care for, and that is the baseball game. The rakers of muck are busy,
with shovels and spades and screens, a-dishing up stuff that's dizzy,
in the popular magazines; these fellows are ever present, with stories
of graft and shame, and there's only one thing that's pleasant, and
that is the baseball game. Some people are in a passion, and have
been, for many weeks, because the decrees of fashion make women look
much like freaks; why worry about the dress of the frivolous modern
dame? There's only one thing impressive, and that is the baseball game.
THE UMPIRE
Be kind to the umpire who bosses the game, whose doom is too frequently
sealed; it serves no good purpose to camp on his frame, and strew him
all over the field.
The umpire is human--which fact you may doubt--a creature of tissues
and blood; he pales at the sound of your bloodthirsty shout, and
shrinks from the sickening thud. He may have a vine covered cottage
like yours, a home where a loving wife dwells; and when he's on duty
the fear she endures is something no chronicler tells. She hears from
the bleachers a thunderous roar, and thinks it announces his fate. "I
reckon," she sighs, "he'll come home on a door, or perhaps in a basket
or crate."
Be kind to the umpire; his hopes are your own; he's doing the best that
he can; his head isn't elm and his heart isn't stone; he's just like
the neighboring man. Don't call him a bonehead or say his work's punk,
or that he's a robber insist; don't pelt him with castings or vitrified
junk, or smite him with bludgeon or fist.
Suppose you are doing the best you know how, and striving your
blamedest to please, and bystanders throw at your head a dead cow, or
break your legs off at the knees. Suppose you are trying your best to
be fair, and critics come up in a crowd, set fire to your whiskers, and
pull out your hair, and put you in shape for a shroud. If people
refused to believe that you try to give them their fifty cents' worth,
you'd be so discouraged you'd sit down and cry, and say there's no
justice on earth.
Be kind to the umpire and give him a chance to live to a happy old age;
reward him with praise and encouraging glance when he does his devoir
on his stage. Save up your dead cats for the scavenger man, your
cabbage for cigarette smoke; the umpire is doing the best that he
can--he shouldn't be killed as a joke.
THE TWO MERCHANTS
Methinks that clerics, the whole world through, will do much as their
bosses do, for which they're not to blame; for emulation is a part, in
office, drawing room and mart, of this weird human game.
I often go to Jimpson's store; I blow in twice a day or more to buy my
prunes and things. Old Jimpson is a joyous jay; he hustles around the
livelong day, he whistles and he sings. I like to watch the blamed old
chump; I like to see him on the jump, he is so full of steam; and all
his clerks have caught his style; they hump around with cheerful smile,
and do not loaf or dream.
When I blow into Jimpson's lair they all seem glad to see me there and
anxious for my trade; they give me brisk attention then, and sing the
chorus, "Come again!" when from the shop I fade.
Jim Clinker has another store. Jim Clinker's head seem always sore, he
grumbles and he scowls; and all his clerks have caught that trick; they
gloom around the store like sick or broken-hearted owls. When I go in
to buy some tea, a languid salesman waits on me as though it were a
crime to rouse him from his sour repose, his brooding over secret woes,
and occupy his time.
If Clinker's clerks to Jimpson went, they soon would shake their
discontent, and carol like the birds; if Jimpson's clerks for Clinker
toiled their optimism would be spoiled; they'd hand out doleful words.
And so I say, and say some more, that all the salesmen in a store will
emulate their boss; if he is sour on all the works, you may be sure his
string of clerks will be a total loss.
TODAY'S MOTTO
"Love your neighbor as yourself," was a motto famed of yore; now it's
placed upon the shelf, with about a thousand more; now the child on
mother's knee, sees the lovelight in her eyes, while she says:
"Where'er you be, boil the germs and swat the flies!" In the olden
golden days, preachers told the sacred tale of poor Jonah's erring
ways, and his journey in the whale; of the lions in their den, and of
Daniel, good and wise; now they preach this creed to men: "Boil the
germs and swat the flies!" When my dying eyelids close, and the world
is growing dim, while I'm turning up my toes, I may ask to hear a hymn;
and the people by my bed, they will sing, with streaming eyes, while
each humbly bows his head: "Boil the germs and swat the flies!"
SOME PROTESTS
I sit in my cushioned motor, indulging in wise remarks, concerning the
outraged voter crushed down by the money sharks. We burdened and weary
toilers are ground by the iron wheels of soulless, despotic spoilers,
and bruised by the tyrants' heels. They're flaunting their corsair
mottoes while treading upon our toes, and some of us can't have autos
or trotters or things like those. I know of a worthy neighbor who
lives in a humble cot, and after long years of labor he hasn't a single
yacht!
While eating my dinner humble--of porterhouse steak and peas, and honey
from bees that bumble, and maybe imported cheese--I think, with a
bitter feeling, of insolent money kings, who, drunk with their wealth
and reeling, condemn me to eat such things. The pirate and banknote
monger still gloat o'er their golden stacks, while I must appease my
hunger with oysters and canvasbacks. The plutocrat has his chuffer, a
minion of greed and pelf; the poor man must weep and suffer, and drive
his own car himself.
The plutocrat homeward totters with diamonds to load his girls, and
meanwhile my wife and daughters must struggle along with pearls. In
silk, with a trademark Latin, the plutocrat's wife appears, and I can
afford but satin to tog out my dimpled dears. The plute has a splendid
palace, with pictures and Persian rugs; he drinks from a silver chalice
and laughs at the poor men's jugs, and I, in my lowly cottage, that's
shadowed by tree and vine, fill up on mock turtle pottage, with only
three kinds of wine!
It's time for a revolution, to punish the wealthy ones! I'll furnish
the elocution if you'll bring the bombs and guns!
THE WORKERS
Here's to the man who labors and does it with a song! He stimulates
his neighbors and helps the world along!
I like the men who do things, who hustle and achieve; the men who saw
and glue things, and spin and dig and weave.
Man earns his bread in sweat or in blood since Adam sinned; and bales
of hay are better than are your bales of wind.
Man groans beneath his burden, beneath the chain he wears; and still
the toiler's guerdon is worth the pain he bears.
For there's no satisfaction beneath the bending sky like that the man
of action enjoys when night is nigh.
To look back o'er the winding and dark and rocky road, and know you
bore your grinding and soul-fatiguing load--
As strong men ought to bear it, through all the stress and
strife--that's the reward of merit--that is the balm of life!
I like the men who do things, who plow and sow and reap, who build and
delve and hew things while dreamers are asleep.
THE UTILITARIAN
We sat around the stove discoursing of mighty deeds that we had done;
of struggling up the Alps and forcing our way to summits then unwon; of
fights with lions and hyenas, of facing grim and ghostly shapes, of
dodging bailiffs and subpoenas, and many perilous escapes.
And one sat by, distraught and gloomy, and listened to each stirring
tale; his beard was long, his eyes were rheumy, his nose was red, his
aspect stale. And this old pilgrim, dour and hoary, on all our
pleasure drew the noose; for, at the end of every story, he'd sadly
ask: "What was the use?"
I told of how I went a-sailing to Europe in an open boat; the billows
raved, the winds were wailing till I could scarcely keep afloat. The
salt sea spray was on my features; I heard King Neptune's angry shouts;
I fought with whales and other creatures, and was pursued by
waterspouts. I sailed those seas for weeks together, and bore my life
in either hand, and very often doubted whether I'd ever bring my boat
to land. But still, resolved on winning glory, I sailed along like
Captain Loose. The old man broke into my story, and mildly asked:
"What was the use?"
Jones told of how, appareled thinly (the thirst for glory warmed his
breast), he scaled the heights of Mount McKinley and placed our flag
upon its crest. He placed the flag to thwart the scorner, the doubter,
and the man obtuse; and then the old man in the corner looked up and
asked: "What was the use?"
Brown told of how a cask he entered and floated o'er the Horseshoe
Falls, and how all eyes for months were centered on him; in cottages
and halls the people joined to sing his praises or level at his head
abuse; the old man heard his burning phrases, and sadly asked: "What
was the use?"
We smote him roundly in our anger, resolved to cook his ancient goose,
and still, above the din and clangor, we heard him ask, "What is the
use?"
FIRESIDE ADVENTURES
It is not mine the world to roam; when I was born the Fates decreed
that I should always stay at home, and deal in hay and bran and feed.
For mighty deeds I have no chance while I am rustling in my store; and
yet my life has its romance, and I've adventures by the score.
For evening comes, and then, serene, to my abode I take my way, and
grab this good old magazine, and leave the world of bran and hay.
Through Arctic wildernesses cold, I follow the explorers' train, or
seeking go for pirate's gold along the storied Spanish Main. Oft, by
the miner's struggling lamp, I count the nuggets I have won; or in the
cowboys' wind-swept camp indulge in wild athletic fun. The big round
world is all for me, brought to me by the sprightly tale; o'er every
strange and distant sea my phantom ship has learned to sail, I travel
in all neighborhoods where daring man has left his tracks; I am the
hunter in the woods, I am the woodman with his ax. I am the grim,
effective sleuth who goes forth in a rare disguise, and quickly drags
the shining truth from out a mountain range of lies. I am the watcher
of the roads, the highwayman of wold and moor, relieving rich men of
their loads, to give a rakeoff to the poor. I am the hero of the
crowds, as, on my trusty aeroplane, I cleave a pathway through the
clouds, to Milky Way and Charles's Wain. I am the pitcher known to
fame; I pitch as though I worked by Steam, and in the last and crucial
game I win the pennant for my team. I am the white man's final hope,
on whom his aspirations hinge, and, notwithstanding all the dope, I
knock the daylights from the dinge.
I am the man of action when, with lamplight gloating o'er the scene, I
bask at leisure in my den, and read my fav'rite magazine. And so all
day I stay at home attending to the treadmill grind; but when night
comes afar I roam, and leave the workday world behind.
HUNTING A JOB
"I would like a situation. I have hunted for it long," said a youth
who looked discouraged; "everything that is is wrong; there is no
demand for labor, no respect for willing hands, hence the people who
are idle are as frequent as the sands. I have waited in the pool hall
through the long and weary day, and no lucrative position seemed to
come along that way; I have stood upon the corner, smoking at my trusty
cob, but no merchant came to hire me, though all knew I had no job; I
have sat on every doorstep that against me wasn't fenced, you could
scarcely find a building that I haven't leaned against; I have smoked a
thousand stogies, I have chewed a cord of plug, I have shaken dice with
dozens, I have touched each cider jug, to sustain my drooping spirits
while I waited for a berth, with some up-to-date employer who'd
appreciate my worth. But the world is out of kilter and the country's
out of plumb, and the poor downtrodden voter finds that things are on
the bum."
OLD AND NEW
New songs are made in long array; we learn and sing them,--for a day,
and then they fade and die away. But when the long, sad day is
through, refreshing as the evening dew, are those old songs our fathers
knew. New books, in rich and gorgeous dress, are coming hourly from
the press, and charm by all their lovliness. But when from bench or
desk we roam, to find the resting place at home, we read the old, old
treasured tome. New friends are made at every reach of our long road
to Styx's beach; new friends of warm and pleasant speech. But when
life's sun is in the West, and feet are tired and hearts oppressed, the
old time friend seems always best.
THE HANDY EDITOR
When a man has got a grievance that is keeping him awake, some old
moldy, tiresome trouble that has made his innards ache, then he comes
a-callyhooting to the printing-office door, for he wants to share his
trouble with the humble editore.
When a man has got a hobby that has put him on the bum, then the people
flee a-shrieking when they chance to see him come; but he knows one
weary mortal who must suffer and endure, so he comes to share his
theories with the lowly editure.
When a man has got a story that with age was stiff and stark when old
Father Noah told it to the people in the ark, then he comes, a-bubbling
over, to the Weekly Bugle's lair, for he wants to share his gladness
with the soulful editaire.
O, he's always freely giving of the things that make us tired, and he's
often pretty stingy with the things that are desired; he might bring a
ray of sunlight to a life that's sad and drear, if he'd give the absent
treatment to the heartsick editeer.
THE SLEEPER WAKES
Perhaps you've heard of old Tom Tinkle, who went to sleep like Rip Van
Winkle, and slept for thirty years; he woke the other day, and gazing
around him on the sights amazing, his soul was filled with fears.
[Illustration: The Sleeper Wakes]
"What world is this?" he asked, in terror; "what life, of which I'm now
a sharer? What globe do we infest? Oh, is it Saturn, Mars or Venus?
How many planets are between us and good old Mother Earth? What mighty
bird is that a-soaring--I seem to hear its pinions roaring, it scoots
along so fast? Old Earth, with all her varied features, had no such
big, outlandish creatures around, from first to last."
"It is an airship, Thomas Tinkle," I answered him; "a modern wrinkle,
just one of many score which were by scientists invented to make the
people more contented since you began to snore."
I told him of the wireless system and other wonders--he had missed 'em,
since he was sound asleep; of submarines which sink and travel serenely
o'er the mud and gravel beneath the raging deep.
"You can't convince me," said the waker, "that 'tis the earth--you are
a faker, and deal in fairy tales; no man could soar away up yonder,
like some blamed albatross or condor on metal wings or sails. And as
for sending long dispatches from Buffalo clear down to Natchez, the
same not being wired, if that's done here it's not the planet whereon I
lived when mortals ran it; your stories make me tired. But what are
these rip-snorting wagons? We must be in the land of dragons! I never
saw the like! So riotously are they scooting, so wildly are they
callyhooting they fairly burn the pike!"
I told him they were merely autos whose drivers lived up to their
mottoes that speed laws are in vain; and other miracles amazing with
delicate and pointed phrasing I started to explain. I told of triumphs
most astounding, of things which should be quite confounding to
resurrected men; but in the middle of my soaring I heard old Thomas
Tinkle snoring--he'd gone to sleep again.
IN HORSELAND
A well-fed horse drove into town, behind a span of ancient men, whose
knees were sore from falling down and striving to get up again; their
poor old ribs were bare of meat, and they had sores upon their necks;
there wasn't, on the village street, a tougher looking pair of wrecks.
And so they shambled up the street, a spectre harnessed with a ghost;
the horse descended from his seat, and left them standing by a post.
And there they stood through half the night, and shook and shivered in
the tugs, the while their master, in delight, was shaking dice with
other plugs. And there they died, of grief and cold--no more they'll
haul the heavy plow; their master said, when he was told: "They cost
blamed little, anyhow!"
INAUGURATION DAY, 1913
Now Washington is swarming with men of sterling worth, all bent upon
reforming the heaven and the earth; they come from far Savannah, they
come from Texarkana, and points in Indiana, with loud yet seemly mirth.
They're come from far Alaska, where show is heaped on snow; they've
journeyed from Nebraska where commoners do grow; the famed, the wise,
the witty, the timid, and the gritty have come from Kansas City and
also Broken Bow. Their battle shout is thrilling as they go marching
by, and every man is willing at once to bleed and die; to guarantee
this nation a fine Administration he'd take a situation or kill himself
with pie. The editors of journals are marching in the throng; and old
and war-worn colonels are teetering along; and friends of Andrew
Jackson and Jefferson, now waxin' a trifle old, are taxin' their dusty
throats with song. No wonder Woodrow Wilson, as this great crowd
appears, his silken kerchief spills on some proud and grateful tears;
the ranks of colonels face him--such loyalty must brace him, and from
dejection chase him in future pregnant years. No office need go
begging before this mighty host; he need not go a-legging for masters
of the post; he has to do no pleading; they bring the help he's
needing; of dying and of bleeding they make a modest boast. And so he
views the strangers from Maryland and Maine, the tall, bewhiskered
grangers who till the Western plain; the men from desks and foyers, the
sheepmen and the sawyers, the lumberjacks and lawyers, all come to ease
the strain; he views the dusty millers from Minnesota land; the shining
social pillars from Boston's sacred strand; the men of hill and valley
around his standard rally (and on the snaps keep tally), each with a
helping hand. "My fears are in the distance," is Woodrow's grateful
song; "what foe can make resistance against this mighty throng? So let
us, lawyer, farmer, ex-plute, and social charmer, gird on our
snow-white armor, and paralyze each wrong!"
PRAYER OF THE HEATHEN
Before a wooden idol two heathen knelt and prayed; it was their day of
bridal, the savage and the maid. "We two have come together, to
journey through the years, in calm and stormy weather, in sunshine and
in tears. O idol most exalted, protect us on our way, and may our feet
be halted from going far astray. This maid," the bridegroom muttered,
"is fresh from Nature's hands; her boudoir is not cluttered with
strings and pins and bands; she does not paint her features, or wear
rings on her paws; she's one of Nature's creatures, and lives by
Nature's laws. Her foot, she does not force it into a misfit shoe; nor
does she wear a corset to squeeze her frame in two. That frame has got
upon it no clothes she does not need; she wears no bughouse bonnet that
makes man's bosom bleed. This maid, this weaker vessel, has movements
swift and free, and she can run and wrestle, and she can climb a tree.
And it she shows a yearning to emulate the whites, our good old customs
spurning, pursuing vain delights, O idol stern and oaken, take thou thy
sceptre dread, and may the same be broken upon her silly head."
"This bridegroom," said the maiden, "untutored is and rude, but still
he is not laden with habits vain and lewd. I hope to see him trundle
each evening to his kraal, and not blow in his bundle for long cold
pints of ale. With my consent he'll never get next the slot machine,
or use his best endeavor to burn up gasoline. No tailor hath arrayed
him, no valet hath defaced! He stands as Nature made him,
broad-chested, slim of waist! And he can swim the Niger, or rob a
lion's lair, or whip a full-grown tiger at Reno or elsewhere! And if
he would abandon our simple heathen ways, and learn to place his hand
on some foolish white men's craze, O idol, in your dudgeon, obey his
bride's behest! Take up your big spiked bludgeon, and swat him
galley-west!"
THEORY AND PRACTICE
In public I talk of Milton and give him ecstatic praise, and say that I
love to ponder for hours o'er his living lays; I speak of his noble
epic, that jewel which proudly shines, and quote from his splendid
sonnets (I know maybe twenty lines); but when I am home John Milton is
left on the bookcase shelf; he's rather too dull for reading--you know
how it is yourself; to lighten the weight of sorrow that over my spirit
hangs, I dig up the works of Irwin or Nesbit or Kendrick Bangs.
I talk much of Thomas Hardy when I'm with the cultured crowd, and say
that few modern writers so richly have been endowed; I speak of his
subtle treatment of life and its grim distress, and quote from "The
Trumpet Major" or spiel a few lines from "Tess." But when I am in my
chamber, where no one can see me read, remote from the highbrow people
and all that the highbrows need, I never have known a longing to reach
for the Hardy tomes; I put in a joyous evening with Watson and Sherlock
Holmes.
I talk a good deal of Wagner in parlor and drawing room, and speak of
the gorgeous fabrics he wove on his wondrous loom, the fabrics of sound
and beauty, the wonderful scroll of tone, and say that this mighty
genius remains in a class alone. I whistle "The Pilgrims' Chorus," and
chortle of "Lohengrin," and say that all other music is merely a venial
sin. But when at my own piano Susannah sits down to play, I beg her to
cut out Wagner and shoo all his noise away. "I'm weary and worn and
beaten; my spirits," I say, "are low; so give us some helpful music--a
few bars of Jungle Joe!"
FOOL AND SAGE
The fool and his money are parted, not long did they stay in cahoots;
but the fool is the cheeriest-hearted and gladdest of human galoots.
His neighbor is better and wiser, six figures might tell what he's
worth; but O how folks wish the old miser would fall off the edge of
the earth!
THEN AND NOW
In olden times the gifted bard found life a pathway rough and hard.
Starvation often was his goad, and some dark garret his abode, and
there, when nights were long and chill, he sadly plied his creaking
quill. He wrote of shepherds and their crooks, of verdant vales and
babbling brooks, displaying artfully his lore--while bailiffs
threatened at the door. And having wrought his best, he took with
trembling hands his little book to lay before some haughty lord, and
cringe around for a reward. Some times, perchance, he got a purse;
anon he only drew a curse; and often in a prison yard the weary,
debt-incumbered bard was herded with the squalid throng, and damned the
shining peaks of song.
The world moves on. The bard today finds life a soft and easy way. If
he elects to cut his hair he has the price and some to spare. Attired
in purple, he goes by with hard boiled shirt and scrambled tie, and you
can hear his bullion clank as he goes prancing to the bank. He writes
no tame, insipid books of dairy maids or shepherds' crooks, of singing
birds or burbling streams, or any other worn-out themes. Anon he
touches up his lyre to boost a patent rubber tire, or sings a noble
song that thrills concerning someone's beeswax pills. His lyre's a
wonder to behold; its frame is pearl, its strings are gold. His
sheetiron laurels never fade; the grocer's glad to get his trade.
While he can make the muses sweat he'll never go to jail for debt.
He calmly puts his harp away, when he has toiled a 10-hour day, and
softly sighs: "There's nothing wrong with this old graft of deathless
song!"
THE SLEEPER
They have planted him deep in a grave by the fence, where the sand burs
are thick and the jimson is dense; he's sleeping at last, and as still
as a mouse, held down by a boulder as big as a house, and the
whangdoodle mourns in a neighboring tree, with a voice that's as sad as
the sorrowing sea. They have planted him deep in the silt and the
sand, with appropriate airs by the fife and drum band, and they
joyfully yell when the sad rites are o'er: "Gosh ding him, he's taking
his straw votes no more."
FOOLING AROUND
Old Griggins the grocer, has gone to the dump, and people who knew him
say he was a chump; his prospects were fine when he opened his store,
and customers brought him their bullion and ore, and bought his
potatoes and pumpkins and peas, his milk and molasses, his chicory,
cheese. But soon they went elsewhere to blow in their plunks, for
Griggins turned out such a foolish old hunks; while others were
rustling for shilling and pound, old Griggins the grocer kept fooling
around.
He stood in the alley and ranted and tore, debating the tariff with
some one next door; he roasted the tariff on spigots and spoons while
customers waited to purchase some prunes; he argued that congress is
out for the pelf, and left his trade palace to wait on itself. And
patrons got huffy, their molars they ground, while Griggins the grocer
was fooling around.
Old Griggins kept cases on sprinters and pugs, and talked of their
records, while people with jugs were wishing he'd fill them with syrup
or oil, and cut out his yarns, which were starting to spoil; he'd talk
about Jeffries or Johnsing or Gotch for forty-five minutes or more by
the watch, while customers jingled their coin in his store, and waited
and waited, and sweated and swore. At last they would leave his old
joint on the bound, while Griggins the grocer was fooling around.
The man who would win in these strenuous days must tend to his knitting
in forty-five ways, be eager and hustling, with vim all athrob, his
mind not afield, but intent on his job. The sheriff will come with his
horse and his hound to talk with the man who keeps fooling around.
GUESS WHO!
He is the press and the people, the sultan who rules the Turks; he is
the bell in the steeple, and he is the whole blamed works. He is the
hill and valley, the dawning, the dusk, the moon; he is the large white
alley, he is the man in the moon. He is the soothing slumber, he is
the soul awake, he is the big cucumber, that gives us the bellyache.
He is the fire that quickens, the company that insures; he is the ill
that sickens, and he is the thing that cures. He is the ruling
Russian, and we are the groveling skates; he is the constitution, and
he's the United States.
TRYING AGAIN
No boarding house, tavern or inn was in sight; so into a cavern went
Bruce, in sore plight. By enemies hunted, a price on his head, and all
his schemes shunted, he wished he was dead. "In vain my endeavor,
repulsed my demands; I'll try again never--I throw up my hands!" And
so he lay sighing and cussing his fate, and wished he was lying stone
dead in a crate. A spider was spinning its web by the wall; now
losing, now winning, now taking a fall; though often it tumbled, it
breathed not a sob, nor crawfished nor grumbled, but stuck to its job.
Then Bruce opened wider his eyes and exclaimed: "That dodgasted spider
has made me ashamed! I'm but a four-flusher to sit here and whine!
This morning must usher in triumphs of mine!"
He canned all his wailing and cut out the frown, and went forth
a-smiling, and won a large crown!
And legions of fellows with tears in their eyes, who wear out their
bellows with groaning and sighs, who think they are goners, ordained to
the dump, would harvest some honors if they would just hump! The
spiders are teaching, the same as of old; the spiders are preaching a
gospel of gold: "Though baffled and broken, O children of men, let
grief be unspoken--go at it again!"
ICONOCLASM
King Skeptic wears his modern crown, his stern, destructive law
prevails; he's tearing all our idols down, disproving all our fav'rite
tales. Is there a legend you hold dear, some legend of the long ago?
King Skeptic hears it with a sneer, and digs up history to show that
things of that sort never chanced, and never could, and never will.
"We have," he says, "so much advanced, that fairy tales don't fill the
bill. No faked-up tales of knightly acts, no Robin Hood romance for
me; the only things worth while are Facts, Statistics, and the Rule of
Three."
With diagrams he shows full well that old-time tales are things to
scorn; that such a man as William Tell, in liklihood, was never born.
If Gessler lived and had a hat, he didn't hang it on a pole; the rules
of Euclid show us that--so goes King Skeptic's rigmarole. But,
granting that he had a lid, and hung it on a pole awhile, and granting
that the people did bow down to reverence that tile, this does not
prove that William shot an apple through an apple's core, and so the
anecdote is rot--don't let us hear it any more.
One-eyed Horatius never held the bridge beside his comrades bold, while
Sextus and his foemen yelled--because there was no bridge to hold.
With Fact King Skeptic pounds your head, and prods you with it to the
hilt, and shows Horatius had been dead ten years before the bridge was
built. "He fell not in the Tiber's foam, performed no feats of arms
sublime. I know! The city clerk of Rome sent me the records of that
time!"
Mazeppa's ride was all a joke, as all the statisticians know; the horse
he rode was city broke, and stopped whene'er he whispered "whoa." Most
luckily, the village vet wrote down the facts with rugged power;
Mazeppa simply made a bet the horse could go three miles an hour; he
wasn't strapped upon its back, no perils dire did him befall; he rode
around a kite-shaped track, and lost his bet, and that was all.
And so it goes; you can't relate a legend of heroic acts but that the
Skeptic then will state objections based on Deadly Facts. Romance is
but a total loss, and all the joy of life departs; we've nothing left
but Charlie Ross, and he'll turn up, to break our hearts.
GATHERING ROSES
I've gathered roses and the like, in many glad and golden Junes; but
now, as down the world I hike, my weary hands are filled with prunes.
I've gathered roses o'er and o'er, and some were white, and some were
red; but when I took them to the store, the grocer wanted eggs instead.
I gathered roses long ago, in other days, in other scenes; and people
said: "You ought to go, and dig the weeds out of your beans." A
million roses bloomed and died, a million more will die today; that man
is wise who lets them slide, and gathers up the bales of hay.
THE FUTURE SPORT
The airship is a thing achieved; it has its rightful place, as well as
any autocart that ever ran a race. The farmer, in the coming years,
when eggs to town he brings, will flop along above the trees, upon his
rusty wings. The doctor, when he has a call, from patients far or
near, will quickly strap his pinions on, and hit the atmosphere. And
airship racing then will be the sport to please the crowds; there'll be
racecourses overhead, and grandstands in the clouds. The umpire, on
his patent wings, will hover here and there; the fans, with rented
parachutes, will prance along the air; the joyous shrieks of flying
sports will keep the welkin hot, and soaring cops will blithely chase
the scorching aeronaut. We'll soon be living overhead, our families
and all; and then we'll only need the earth to land on when we fall.
TAKING ADVICE
A forty-foot constrictor once was swallowing a goat, and having lots of
trouble, for the horns stuck in his throat. And then a warthog came
along, and said: "Oh, foolish snake! To swallow all your victuals
whole is surely a mistake. It puts your stomach out of plumb, your
liver out of whack, and gives you all the symptoms in the latest
almanac. If serpents for abundant health would have a fair renown,
they'll chew a mouthful half an hour before they take it down. Eat
slowly, with a tranquil mind and heart serene beneath, and always use a
finger bowl, and always pick your teeth. I'm reading up Woods
Hutchinson and Fletcher and those guys, and following the rules they
make, which are extremely wise, and oh, it pains me to the quick, and
jars my shrinking soul, to see a foolish snake like you absorbing
dinners whole!"
The serpent got his dinner down, with whiskers, horns and feet, then
slept three weeks; then looked around for something more to eat. And,
having killed a jabberwock, and found it fat and nice, he thought he'd
eat according to the warthog's sage advice.
Ah, never more that snake is seen upon his native heath! The little
serpents tell the tale of how he starved to death!
Moral:
The counsel of the great may help the man next door, 'tis true, and yet
turn out to be a frost when followed up by you.
POST-MORTEM INDUSTRY
You've heard of Richard Randle Rox? He died; they put him in a box,
and lowered him into a grave, and said: "He'll surely now behave."
For years this fertile Richard penned books, rhymes and essays without
end. His helpful, moral dope was seen in every uplift magazine, and
people used to wonder how the wheels within that bulging brow produced
such countless bales of thought, such wondrous wealth of tomyrot; and
folks chewed cloves and cotton waste to try to take away the taste.
At last he died before his time--killed off by an ingrowing rhyme. The
mourners laid him on his pall, his three assorted names and all, and
said: "Doggone him! Now he'll stop this thing of writing helpful
slop." He got the finest grave in town, and marble things to hold him
down.
Long years have passed since R. R. Rox was placed in silver-mounted
box; and does he rest in peace? Instead, he's working harder now he's
dead. New books are coming from his pen until the chastened sons of
men look round, their eyelids red with grief--look round, imploring for
relief. "Is there no way," so wails the host, "to lay this Richard
Randle's ghost?"
THE CONQUEROR
The pugilist, tall and majestic, and proud of his numerous scars, was
telling of foreign, domestic, and all kinds of Homeric wars. His
hearers were standing before him in attitudes speaking of awe, for what
could they do but adore him, the man with the prognathous jaw?
"My make-up," he said, "rather queer is, I've never seen others that
way; I simply don't know what a fear is; I really rejoice in the fray,
I guess I'm the champion glarer, my glance seems to wilt all my foes;
I've seen fellows crumple with terror before we had got down to blows.
This made me so often the victor; no qualms in my bosom I feel; I don't
fear a boa constrictor--my heart is an engine of steel."
[Illustration: The Conqueror]
And so of his feats superhuman he talked in a voice ringing loud, until
a small, fiery-eyed woman came elbowing up through the crowd. Her
voice, like her person, was spindling, but Hercules heard when she
called: "Come home, now, and cut up some kindling, or I will be
snatching you bald!" No more of his triumphs he lilted, like Spartacus
spieling in Rome; the steel hearted warrior wilted, and followed his
conquerer home.
THE TRUTHFUL MERCHANT
If Ananias lived today and ran the corner store, he couldn't keep the
wolf away from his old creaking door. For men who spend their
hard-earned rocks won't patronize the man who must forever, when he
talks, make truth an also ran.
I bought a whole new suit of clothes from Bilks, across the street. He
said to me: "Such rags as those just simply can't be beat. They
ornament the clothier's trade, and eke the tailor's shears; they will
not shrink, they will not fade, they'll last a hundred years. Go
forth," said Bilks, "upon the street, in all your pomp and pride, and
every pretty girl you meet will wish she was your bride."
So I went forth in brave array, the city's one best bet. There was a
little shower that day, and I got slightly wet. And then the truth was
driven in that my new rags were punk. Alas, my friends, it was a sin
the way those trousers shrunk! The buttons from my waistcoat flew with
dull and sickening crack; my coat soon changed from brown to blue and
then split up the back.
Old Bilks gold-bricked me in that deal, but does his system pay? He'll
never get another wheel from me till Judgment Day. The kopeck that you
win by guile may swell your roll today, but in the clammy afterwhile it
melts that roll away.
STANDING PAT
Your arguments for modern things with me cannot avail; my father reaped
his grain by hand and thrashed it with a flail; then who am I to strike
new paths and buy machinery? The methods good enough for dad are good
enough for me! I want no hydrant by my house--such doodads I won't
keep! My father drew the water from a well three furlongs deep, and
skinned his hands and broke his back a-pulling at the rope, and methods
that my father used will do for me, I hope! Don't talk of your
electric light; a candle's all I need; my father always went to bed
when 'twas too dark to read; I want no books or magazines to clutter up
my shack; my father never read a thing but Johnson's almanac. A
bathroom? Blowing wealth for that ridiculous appears; my father never
used to bathe, and lived for ninety years. I care not for your
"progress" talk, "reform" or other tricks; my father never used to vote
or fuss with politics; he never cared three whoops in Troy which side
should win or lose, and I'm content to go his gait, and wear my
father's shoes.
THE OUTCAST
You ask me why I weep and moan, like some lost spirit in despair, and
why I wonder [Transcriber's note: wander?] off alone, and paw the
ground and tear my hair? You ask me why I pack this gun, all loaded
up, prepared to shoot? Alas! my troubles have begun--the women folk
are canning fruit! There is no place for me to eat, unless I eat upon
the floor; and peelings get beneath my feet, and make me fall a block
or more; the odors from the boiling jam, all day assail my weary snoot;
you find me, then, the wreck I am--the women folk are canning fruit!
O, they have peaches on the chairs, and moldy apples on the floor, and
wormy plums upon the stairs, and piles of pears outside the door; and
they are boiling pulp and juice, and you may hear them yell and hoot; a
man's existence is the deuce--the women folk are canning fruit!
ODE TO KANSAS
Kansas: Where we've torn the shackles
From the farmer's leg;
Kansas: Where the hen that cackles,
Always lays an egg;
Where the cows are fairly achin'
To go on with record breakin',
And the hogs are raising bacon
By the keg!
DOMESTIC HAPPINESS
It is good to watch dear father as he blithely skips along, on his face
no sign of bother, on his lips a cheerful song; peeling spuds and
scraping fishes, putting doilies on the chairs, sweeping floors and
washing dishes, busy with his household cares. Now the kitchen fire is
burning; to get supper he will start--mother soon will be returning
from her labors in the mart.
Poor tired mother! Daily toiling to provide our meat and bread! Where
the eager crowd is moiling, struggling on with weary tread! Battling
with stockjobbing ladies, meeting all their wiles and tricks, or
embarking in the Hades of the city's politics! But forgotten is the
pother, all the work day cares are gone, when she comes home to dear
father with his nice clean apron on! There's your chair, he says; "sit
in it; supper will be cooked eftsoons: I will dish it in a
minute--scrambled eggs and shredded prunes." It is good to watch him
moving round the stove with eager zeal, in his every action proving
that his love goes with the meal.
When the evening meal is eaten and the things are cleared away, then we
sit around repeatin' cares and triumphs of the day; and the high
resounding rafter echoes to our harmless jokes, to our buoyant peals of
laughter, while tired mother sits and smokes. Thus her jaded mind
relaxes in an atmosphere so gay, and she thinks no more of taxes or of
bills that she must pay; smiles are soon her face adorning, in our nets
of love enmeshed, and she goes to work next morning like a giantess
refreshed.
CELEBRITIES
He had written lovely verses, touching hollyhocks and hearses,
lotus-eaters, ladies, lilies, porcupines and pigs and pies, nothing
human was beyond him, and admiring people conned him, adoration in
their bosoms and a rapture in their eyes. He had sung of figs and
quinces in the tents of Bedouin princes, he'd embalmed the Roman Forum
and the Parthenon of Greece; many of his odes were written in the
shrouding fogs of Britain, while he watched the suffrage ladies mixing
things with the police.
So we met to do him honor; worshipper and eager fawner begged a tassel
of his whiskers, or his autograph in ink; never was there so much
sighin' round a pallid human lion, as he stood his lines explaining,
taking out the hitch and kink!
All were in a joyous flutter, till we heard some fellow mutter: "Here
comes Griggs, the southpaw pitcher, fairly burdened with his fame! He
it was who beat the Phillies--gave the Quaker bugs the willies--he it
was who saved our bacon in that 'leven-inning game!"
Then we crowded round the pitcher, making that great man the richer by
a ton of adulation, in a red-hot fervor flung; and the poet, in a
pickle, mused upon the false and fickle plaudits of the heartless
rabble, till the dinner gong was rung!
THE VIRTUOUS EDITOR
I use my Trenchant, fertile pen to help along the cause of men and make
the sad world brighter, to give all good ambitions wings, to help the
poor to better things and make their burdens lighter. The page whereon
my screeds appear envoys a sacred atmosphere; it's helpful and
uplifting; it hands out morals by the ton, and shows the people how to
shun the rocks to which they're drifting.
You say my other pages reek with filthy "cures for cancer"?
Impertinently, sir, you speak, and I refuse to answer.
All causes good and true and pure, and everything that should endure
I'm always found supporting; and in my lighter moments I to heights of
inspiration fly, the soft-eyed muses courting. To those who wander far
astray I, like a shepherd, point the way to paths and fields Elysian;
no sordid motives soil my pen as I assist my fellow men, no meanness
mars my vision.
You say I print too many ads, unfit for youths' perusal, of fakers'
pills and liver pads? I gave you one refusal to argue that, so quit
your fuss and cease your foolish chatter; it is beneath me to discuss a
purely business matter.
I point out all the shabby tricks which now disgrace our politics,
those tricks which shame the devil; I ask the voters to deface
corruption and our country place upon a higher level. Through endless
wastes of words I roam to make the Fireside and the Home the nation's
shrine and glory; and Purity must ring again in every offspring of my
pen, in every screed and story.
You say my paper isn't fit for aught but toughs and muckers? That all
the fakers come to it when they would fleece the suckers? Your
criticism takes the buns! It's surely most surprising! You'll have to
see the man who runs the foreign advertising.
THIS DISMAL AGE
"It is a humdrum world," he said, "in which we now abide! alas! the
good old times are dead when brave knights used to ride to war upon
their armored steeds; then bloodshed was in style; then men could do
heroic deeds, and life was worth the while. If I should go with lance
and sword to enemy of mine--to one by whom I've long been bored, and
cleave him to the chine, there'd be no plaudits long and loud, no
wreaths from ladies pale; the cops would seek me in a crowd, and hustle
me to jail. If down the highway I should press, beneath the summer
skies, to rescue damsels in distress and wipe their weeping eyes, I'd
win no praises from the sports; they'd call me a galoot; I'd have to
answer in the courts to breach-of-promise suit. Adventure is a thing
that's dead, we've reached a low estate, and I was born, alas!" he
said, "five hundred years too late."
He took the morning paper then, which reeked with thrilling things,
with tales of fighting modern men; the strife of money kings; the
eager, busy, human streams throughout this mundane hive; the struggle
of the baseball teams, which for the pennant strive; the polar hero and
his sled; the race of motor cars; the flight of aernauts o'erhead,
outlined against the stars.
"It is a humdrum age," he sighed, "of avarice the fruit. Upon a steed
I'd like to ride, and wear a cast iron suit, and live as lived the
knights of old, the heroes of romance; I'd like to carry spurs of gold
and wield a sword and lance; but in this drear and pallid age, from
Denver to Des Moines, there's naught to stir a noble rage--there's
nothing counts but coin!"
BOOST THINGS
Don't sit supinely on your roost, but come along and help us boost, for
better things of every kind, and leave your kicking clothes behind. O
let us boost for better streets, and softer beds, and longer sheets;
for smoother lawns and better lights, and shorter-winded blatherskites;
for finer homes, and larger trees, for bats and boots and bumble bees;
for shorter hours and longer pay, and fewer thistles in our hay, for
better grub, and bigger pies, for two more moons to light the skies.
And let the wolves of war be loosed on every man who doesn't boost!
THE ADVENTURER
He had braved the hungry ocean when the same was in commotion, he had
floated on the wreckage of his tempest-shattered bark; he had flirted
in deep waters with the merman's wives and daughters, he had scrapped
through seven sessions with a large man-eating shark.
He had roamed in regions polar, where there's no effulgence solar, he
had slain the festive walrus and the haughty arctic bear; and his
watchword had been spoken in the wastes by whites unbroken, and he
shelled out many gumdrops to the natives living there.
In the jungles, dark and fearful, where the tiger, fat and cheerful,
gnaws the bones of foreign hunters, he had gone, unscathed, his way; he
had whipped a big constrictor, and emerged the smiling victor from a
scrimmage with a hippo, which was fond of deadly fray.
He was shot with poisoned arrows and his tale of anguish harrows up the
bosom of the reader, but he lived to journey home; he was chased by
wolves in Russia, thrown in prison cell in Prussia, and was captured by
fierce bandits in the neighborhood of Rome. He had lived where dwells
the savage whose ambition is to ravage and to fill his cozy wigwam with
a handsome line of scalps; he had lived with desert races, sought the
strange and distant places, he had stood upon the summit of the
loftiest of Alps.
To his home at last returning, filled with sentimental yearning, "Now,"
he cried, "farewell to danger--I have left its stormy track!" Far from
scenes of strife and riot he desired long years of quiet, but a casting
from an airship fell three miles and broke his back.
THEY ALL COME BACK
The stars will come back to the azure vault when the clouds are all
blown away; and the sun will come back when the night is done, and give
us another day; the cows will come back from the meadows lush, and the
birds to their trysting tree, but the money I paid to a mining shark
will never come back to me! The leaves will come back to the naked
boughs, the flowers to the frosty brae; the spring will come back like
a blooming bride, and the breezes that blow in May; and joy will come
back to the stricken heart, and laughter and hope and glee, but the
money I blew for some mining stock will never come back to me!
HOME BUILDERS
Old Bullion has a stack of rich things in his shack; of Persian rugs
and antique jugs and costly bric-a-brac. There's art work in the hall,
fine paintings on the wall; and yet a gloom as of the tomb is hanging
over all. Here costly books abound. "This cost a thousand pound; that
trade-mark blur means Elzivir--I've nothing cheap around. Here's Venus
in the foam; the statue came from Rome; I bought the best the world
possessed when I built up this home." Thus proudly Bullion talks, as
through his home he walks, and tells the cost of things embossed, of
vases, screens and crocks. No children's laughter rings, among those
costly things; no sounds of play by night or day; no happy housewife
sings. For romping girl or boy might easily destroy a priceless jug,
or stain a rug, and ruin Bullion's joy. The guests of Bullion yawn,
impatient to be gone, afraid they'll mar some lacquered jar, or tread
some fan upon.
Down here where Tiller dwells you hear triumphant yells of girls and
boys who play with toys, with hoops and horns and bells. There are no
costly screens; no relics of dead queens; but on the stand, close to
your hand, cheap books and magazines. There's no Egyptian crock, or
painted jabberwock, but by the wall there stands a tall and loud
six-dollar clock. Old Tiller can't impart much lore concerning art, or
tell the price of virtu nice until he breaks your heart. But in his
home abide those joys which seem denied to stately halls upon whose
walls are works of pomp and pride. That pomp which smothers joy, and
chills a girl or boy, may have and hold the hue of gold, but it has
base alloy.
FAILURE AND SUCCESS
He was selling tacks and turnips in a gloomy corner store, and he never
washed his windows and he never swept the floor, and he let the cobwebs
gather on the ceiling and the walls, and he let his whiskers flourish
till they brushed his overalls. So his customers forsook him--for his
patrons were not chumps--and the sheriff came and got him and that
merchant bumped the bumps.
He was selling hens and hammocks, as he'd done since days of youth, and
he queered himself with many, for he never told the truth. Oh, he
thought it rather cunning if he sold a rooster old as a young and
tender pullet through the artful lies he told; and he'd sell a shoddy
hammock as a thing of silken thread, and the customer would bust it and
fall out upon his head; so his customers forsook him, and he sadly
watched them flit, and the sheriff came and got him, and that merchant
hit the grit.
He was selling shoes and sugar--sugar from the sunny South--and he'd
roast the opposition when he should have shut his mouth. He would
stand and rant and rumble by the hour of Mr. Tweet, who was selling
shoes and sugar in the shack across the street; and he'd vow all kinds
of vengeance, and he'd tell all kinds of tales, till his wearied
patrons sometimes rose and smote him with his scales; for they cared
about his troubles and his sorrows not three whoops, and the sheriff
came and got him, and that merchant looped the loops.
He was selling books and beeswax, and his store was neat and clean, and
the place was bright and cheerful, and the atmosphere serene. He was
tidy in his person, and his clerks were much the same, and no precious
time was wasted, in the tiresome knocking game. And the customer who
entered was with courtesy received, and he felt quite proud and happy
when of cash he was relieved. And the merchant's word was golden, what
he said was always true, and he sold no moldy beeswax, saying it was
good as new. And his trade kept on increasing till his bank account
was fat, and the sheriff, when he met him, always bowed and tipped his
hat.
THE OPEN ROAD
Romance
To walk again the open road I have a springtime longing; I yearn to
leave my town abode, the jostling and the thronging, and tread again
the quiet lanes, among the woodland creatures; where birds are singing
joyous strains to beat the music teachers. Afar from honks of motor
cars, and all the city's clamor, I'd like to sleep beneath the stars,
and feel no katzenjammer when in the vernal dawn I wake, as chipper as
the foxes, to eat my frugal oatmeal cake put up in paper boxes. I fain
would revel in the breeze that blows across the clover, and drink from
brooks, with stately trees, like Druids, bending over. I'd leave the
pavement and the wall, the too persistent neighbor, and hear the
rooster's early call that wakes the world to labor. I'd seek the
hayfields whose perfume the jaded heart doth nourish, I'd go where
wayside roses bloom and johnny-jump-ups flourish. I'd see the pasture
flecked with sheep and mule and colt and heifer, and let my spirit lie
asleep upon the twilight zephyr. Oh, town, I leave you for a week,
your burdens and your duties! The country calls me--I must seek its
glories and its beauties!
Reality
Gee whiz! I'd give a million bones to be back home a-sleeping! My
shoes are full of burs and stones, and I am tired of weeping. Last
night I sought a stack of hay, where slumber's fetters bound me, and at
the cold, bleak break of day a husky farmer found me. I tried to
pacify his nibs when he stood there and blessed me; alas, his pitchfork
smote my ribs, his cowhide shoes caressed me. The dogs throughout this
countryside all seem to think they need me; they've gathered samples of
my hide, and many times they've treed me. And when I roamed the
woodland path to see the wild-flowers' tinting, a bull pursued me in
its wrath and broke all records sprinting. At noontide I sat down to
rest, and rose depressed and dizzy; I'd sat upon a hornet's nest, and
all the birds got busy. My whiskers now are full of hay, my legs are
lame and weary; it's been a-raining every day, and all the world is
dreary. The road will do for those who like a pathway rough and
gritty; I've had enough--just watch me hike back to the good old city.
THE MILLIONAIRES
They like to make the people think that all their piles of yellow
chink, are weary burdens, to be borne, with eyes that weep and hearts
that mourn; but as you jog along the road, you see no millionaires
unload. They like to talk and drone and drool, to growing youths in
Sunday school, and tell them that the poor man's lot is just the thing
that hits the spot; to warn them of ambition's goad--they talk, and
talk, but don't unload. They like to talk of days long gone, when life
for them was at its dawn, and they were poor and bent with toil, and
drew their living from the soil, and lived in some obscure abode--and
so they dream, but don't unload. They like to take a check in hand,
and, headed by the village band, present it to some charity--'twould
mean five cents to you or me; then they're embalmed in song and ode;
they smirk and smile, but don't unload.
LITTLE MISTAKES
I used to trade at Grocer Gregg's and paid him heaps of cash for flour
and cheese and germ-proof eggs, and cans of succotash. But now he
doesn't get my trade--that's why his bosom aches; I had to quit him,
for he made so many small mistakes.
He'd send me stale and wilted greens when I had ordered fresh; he's
send me gutta percha beans, all string and little flesh. And when I
journeyed to his store to read the riot act, three score apologies or
more he'd offer for the fact. That doggone clerk of his, he'd say, had
got the order wrong; and always, in the same old way, he'd sing the
same old song. He seemed to think apologies were all I should desire,
when he had sent me moldy cheese or herrings made of wire.
And when his bill came in, by jings, it always made me hot; he'd have
me charged with divers things I knew I never bought. Then I would call
on Grocer Gregg in wrath and discontent, and seize him firmly by the
leg and ask him what he meant. Then grief was in the grocer's looks,
frowns came, his eyes betwixt; "The idiot who keeps my books," he'd
say, "has got things mixed. I wouldn't have such breaks as these for
forty million yen; I offer my apologies and hope you'll come again."
He'd often send the things I bought to Colonel Jones, up town, and I
would get a bunch of rot that should have gone to Brown. And oft at
home I'd wait and wait, in vain for Sweitzer cheese; instead of that
I'd get a crate of codfish, prunes or peas. And then I'd go to Grocer
Gregg, and mutter as I went; "I'll take that merchant down a peg, and
in him make a dent." He'd spring the same old platitudes when I had
reached his den: "That vampire who delivers goods has balled things up
again."
Apologies are good enough, excuses are the same; but forty-seven are
enough to tire one of that game. It's better far to shun mistakes, and
do things right at first, than to explain your dizzy breaks till your
suspenders burst.
EASY MORALITY
When things are moving slick as grease, it's easy to be moral then, to
wear a gentle smile of peace, and talk about good will to men. Such
virtue doesn't greatly weigh, in making up the books of life; the man
who cheerful is and gay, in times of sorrow and of strife, is better
worth a word of praise, than all the gents of smiling mien, who swear
in forty different ways when life has ceased to be serene. This
morning, as I ambled down, a neighbor fell (the walk was slick) and
slid half-way across the town, and landed on a pile of brick. He slid
along at such a rate the ice was melted as he went; his shins were
barked, and on his pate there was a large unsightly dent. And when
he'd breath enough to talk, he didn't cave around and swear, or blank
the blanked old icy walk; he merely cried: "Well, I declare!"
THE CRITIC
Some years ago I wrote a book, and no one read it save myself; it
occupies a dusty nook, all sad and lonesome, on the shelf. And having
found I couldn't write such stories as would please the mob, I sternly
said, "I'll wreak my spite on those who can hold down the job." So now
I sit in gloomy state and roast an author every day, and show he's a
misguided skate who should be busy baling hay. The people read me as I
cook my victims, and exclaim with glee, "If he would only write a book,
oh where would Scott and Dickens be?"
I used to think that I could sing, but when a few sweet trills I'd
shed, the people would arise and fling dead cats and cabbage at my
head. Then, realizing that my throat was modeled on the foghorn plan,
I said, "If I can't sing a note, I'll surely roast the folks who can!"
I go to concerts and look wise, and shudder as in misery; in vain the
prima donna tries to win approving smiles from me; in vain the tenor or
the bass, to gain from me admiring looks, pours floods of music through
his face--I squirm as though on tenderhooks. And people watch my
curves and sigh; "He has it all by heart, by jing! What melody would
reach the sky if he would but consent to sing!"
When I was young I painted signs, but not a soul my work would buy, for
all my figures and my lines were out of drawing and awry. And so I
said; "It breaks my heart that I can't sell a single sign; but in the
noble realms of art as critic I shall surely shine!" And so I grew a
Vandyke beard, and let my hair grow long as grass, and studied up a
jargon weird, and learned to wear a single glass. Then to the
galleries I went and looked at paintings with a frown, and wept in
dismal discontent that art's so crushed and beaten down. And people
followed in my tracks to ascertain my point of view; whenever I applied
the ax they gaily swung the cleaver, too. And often, through a solemn
hush, I'd hear my rapt admirers say: "If he would only use the brush,
Mike Angelo would fade away!"
THE OLD TIMER
You've built up quite a city here, with stately business blocks, and
wires a-running far and near, and handsome concrete walks. The trolley
cars go whizzing by, and smoke from noisy mills is trailing slowly to
the sky, and blotting out the hills. And thirty years ago I stood upon
this same old mound, with not a house of brick or wood for twenty miles
around! I'm mighty glad to be alive, to see the change you've made;
it's good to watch this human hive, and hear the hum of trade!
I list to the moans and wails
Of your town, with its toiling hands,
But O for the lonely trails
That led to the unknown lands!
[Illustration: The Old Timer]
I used to camp right where we stand, among these motor cars, and
silence brooded o'er the land, as I lay 'neath the stars, save when the
drowsy cattle lowed, or when a broncho neighed; and now you have an
asphalt road, and palaces of trade! We hear the clamor of the host on
every wind that blows, when people take the time to boast of how their
city grows! I do not doubt that you will rise to greater heights of
fame, and maybe paint across the skies your city's lustrous name!
I list to the ceaseless tramp
Of the host, with its hopes and fears;
But O for the midnight camp
And the sound of the milling steers!
THE BRIGHT FACE
Things are moving slowly? Business seems unholy? Better things are
coming, though they seem delayed! Sitting down and scowling, standing
up and growling, fussing round complaining will not bring the trade!
Here comes Mr. Perkins for a quart of gherkins--don't begin to tell him
all about your woes; you will only bore him, laying griefs before him,
and he'll be disgusted when he ups and goes. Show him that you're
cheerful, for the merchant tearful always jars his patrons, always
makes them groan; they don't want to hearken to the ills that darken
over you for they have troubles of their own.
Here comes Mrs. Twutter for three yards of butter--let her see you
smiling, let her find you gay; be as bright and chipper as a new tin
dipper, show you're optimistic, in the good old way! If you mope and
mumble this good dame will tumble, and she'll tell her neighbors that
your head is sore; no one likes a dealer who's a dismal squealer, so
your friends will toddle to some other store. When the luck seems
balky, and the trade is rocky, that's the time to whistle, that's the
time to grin! Time to make a showing that your trade is growing, time
to show your grit and rustle round like sin.
Here comes Mr. Bunyan for a shredded onion, bullion in his trousers,
checkbook in his coat; give him no suspicion that the dull condition in
the world of commerce has destroyed your goat!
LADIES AND GENTS
When I was younger kids were kids, in Kansas or in Cadiz; now all the
boys are gentlemen, and all the girls are ladies. Where are the kids
who climbed the trees, the tousled young carousers, who got their faces
black with dirt, and tore their little trousers? Where are the lads
who scrapped by rounds, while other lads kept tallies? The maids who
made their pies of mud, and danced in dirty alleys? They're making
calf-love somewhere now, exchanging cards and kisses, they're all fixed
up in Sunday togs, and they are Sirs and Misses. Real kids have
vanished from the world--which fact is surely hades; and all the boys
are gentlemen, and all the girls are ladies.
AUTUMN JOYS
The summer days have gone their ways, to join the days of summers
olden; the eager air is making bare the trees, the leaves are red and
golden; the flowers that bloomed are now entombed, the morn is chill,
the night is dreary; and I confront the same old stunt that all my life
has made me weary. Hard by yon grove our heating stove is standing red
and fierce and rusty; and I must black its front and back, and get
myself all scratched and dusty. And I must pack it on my back, about a
mile, up to our shanty, and work with wire and pipes and fire, the
while I quote warm things from Dante.
THE LAND OF BORES
In the country of the bores people never shut the doors, and they leave
the windows open, so you're always catching cold; and they lean against
your breast while relating moldy jest that had long and flowing
whiskers when by Father Adam told. In the country of the bores people
carry sample ores, and they talk of mines prolific till you buy ten
thousand shares; and they sell you orange groves and revolving fireless
stoves, while they loll upon your divan with their feet upon your
chairs. In the country of the bores every other fellow roars of the
sins of public servants and the need of better things; in a nation full
of vice he alone is pure and nice, he alone has got a halo and a flossy
pair of wings. In the country of the bores men who wish to do their
chores are disturbed by agitators who declaim of iron heels, urging
toiling men to rise, with chain lightning in their eyes and do
something to the tyrant and his car with bloody wheels. In the country
of the bores evermore the talksmith pours floods of language on the
people, who were better left alone. But that land is far away, and we
should rejoice today that we're living in a country where no bores were
ever known.
SKILLED LABOR
The pumpmaker came to my humble abode, for the pump was in need of
repair; his auto he left by the side of the road, and his diamonds he
placed on a chair. And he said that the weather was really too cold,
for comfort, this time of the year; and he thought from Japan--though
she's haughty and bold--this country has nothing to fear. He thought
that our navy should equal the best, for a navy's a warrant of peace;
and he said when a man has a cold on his chest, there's nothing as good
as goose grease. He thought that the peach crop is ruined for good,
and the home team is playing good ball; and the currency question is
not understood, by the voters he said, not at all. Then he looked at
the pump and he gave it a whack and he kicked at the spout and said
"Shucks!" And he joggled the handle three times up and back, and
soaked me for seventeen bucks.
AN EDITORIAL SOLILOQUY
I sit all day in my gorgeous den and I am the boss of a hundred men; my
enemies shake at my slightest scowl, I make the country sit up and
howl; to the farthest ends of this blooming land men feel the weight of
my iron hand.
But, oh, for the old, old shop,
Where I printed the Punktown Dirk,
And the toil and stress with the darned old press
That always refused to work!
I soothe my face with a rich cigar and ride around in a motor car; I go
to a swell cafe to dine and soak my works in the rarest wine. Oh,
nothing's too rich for your Uncle Jones, whose check is good for a heap
of bones!
But, oh, for the old, old shop,
Where I set up the auction bills,
And printed an ad of a liver pad,
And took out the pay in pills!
I've won the prize in the worldly game, my name's inscribed on the roll
of fame; my home is stately, in stately grounds, I have my yacht and I
ride to hounds; nothing I've longed for has been denied; is it any
wonder I point with pride?
But, oh, for the old, old shop,
In the dusty Punktown street!
I was full of hope as I wrote my dope,
Though I hadn't enough to eat!
YOUTHFUL GRIEVANCES
"My lads," quoth the father, "come forth to the garden, and merrily
work in the glow of the sun; to loiter about is a crime beyond pardon,
when there's so much hoeing that has to be done! It pains me to mark
that you'd fain be retreating away from the hoes and such weapons as
these; you're diligent, though, when the time comes for eating the
turnips and lettuce and cabbage and peas."
"Alas," sigh the boys, "that our father must work us like galley
slaves, thus, at the hoe and the spade! More fortunate lads all have
gone to the circus, they revel in peanuts and pink lemonade! Oh, what
is the profit of pruning and trimming, and sowing the radish, and
planting the yam, when everyone knows there is excellent swimming two
miles up the creek at the foot of the dam?
"Sail in!" cries the parent, "the daytime is speeding, the night will
be here in the space of three shakes! Oh, this is the season for
digging and seeding, for doing great deeds with the long-handled rakes!
Consider the maxims of Franklin, the printer, the rede of the prophets,
of poets who sing; in comfort they live through the stress of the
winter, who toil like the ants or the bees in the spring!"
"For maxims and proverbs it's little we're wishing," the boys mutter
low, as they wearily delve; "the neighbor boy says there is elegant
fishing--he went after catfish and came home with twelve. We have to
stay here doing labors that cramp us, while others are pulling out fish
by the pound! They're playing baseball every day on the campus, and
down in the grove there's a merry-go-round!"
Alack! If the parents could see with the vision of boys and if boys
used the eyes of their sires, then fun would be labor, with rapture
elysian, and toil would be play, to the music of lyres!
SUNDAY
Now the day is fading slowly and the week is near its close; comes the
Sabbath, calm and holy, with its quiet and repose; then the wheels no
more are driven, and the noise no longer swells and like whisperings of
heaven, sound the far-off Sabbath bells. Are we striving, are we
reaching, for the life serene and sweet? Not by platitudes and
preaching, not by praying on the street, but by doing deeds of
kindness, comforting some heart that's sore, helping those who grope in
blindness, giving something from our store. If it be our strong
endeavor to make others' lives less hard, then forever and forever
Sunday brings a rich reward.
JOHN BARLEYCORN
I like to find the gifted youth, the youth of brains and virtue, and
whisper in his ears: "In truth, one flagon will not hurt you. He who
eschews the painted breath is nothing but a fossil; just try a drink of
liquid death--just join me in high wassail." At first my words may not
avail, they but offend and fret him, but I keep camping on his trail
until at last I get him.
And having marked him for my own, I glory in the reaping; I feel that
death, and death alone, can take him from my keeping. He's mine to do
with as I will, he's mine, both soul and body; his one ambition is to
fill his outcast form with toddy. At first I take away his pride,
destroy his sense of honor, and when I see these things have died, I
know he is a goner. I house him in a squalid den, and take his decent
garments, and entertain him now and then with rats and other varmints.
I place a mortgage on his shack, despite his feeble ravings, I put old
rags upon his back, and confiscate his savings. And thus I take what
is a man, here in your Christian city, and make him, by my ancient
plan, a thing to scorn and pity.
My victims lie in Potter's Fields in regiments and legions; John
Barleycorn his scepter wields o'er all these smiling regions. I find
new victims every day as I go blithely roaming; a million feet I lead
astray between the dawn and gloaming. With sparkling beer and foaming
ale I am my friends befriending, and to the poorhouse and the jail my
followers are wending. You hear the pageant's dreary song as down the
road it ambles; I wonder, oftentimes, how long you'll stand my cheerful
gambols?
CHRISTMAS DAY
It is the day of kindness, and for this day we're freed from all the
sordid blindness of selfishness and greed; we have a thought for
others, we'd ease their load of care; and all men are our brothers, and
all the world is fair.
This is the day of laughter, wherein no shadows fall; and 'neath the
cottage rafter, and in the mullioned hall, are happy cries ascending,
and songs of joy and peace; why should they have an ending? Why should
the music cease? The music! When we hear it, we old men softly sigh;
"Could but the Christmas spirit live on, and never die!"
This is the day of giving, and giving with a smile makes this gray life
we're living seem doubly worth the while. When giving we're forgetting
the counting-room and mart, and all the work-day fretting--and this
improves the heart; forgetting bonds and leases, and every sordid
goal--this sort of thing increases the stature of the soul!
This is the day of smiling, and faces stern and drear, on which few
smiles beguiling are seen throughout the year, are lighted up with
pleasure and eyes are soft today, and old men trip a measure with
children in their play. And graybeards laugh when pelted with snow by
springalds flung, and frozen hearts are melted, and ancient hearts are
young.
It is a day for singing old songs our fathers knew, while gladsome
bells are ringing a message sweet to you; a day that brings us nearer
to heaven's neighborhood, that makes our vision clearer for all that's
true and good.
On with the Christmas revels in cottage and in hall! While from the
starry levels smiles Christ, who loves us all!
A CRANK'S THANKSGIVING
Like others, I'm grateful for plenty to eat; I'm fond of a plateful of
rich turkey meat. For pies in the cupboard, and coal in the bin, for
tires that are rubbered, and motors that spin; for all of my treasures,
for all that I earn, for comforts and pleasures, my thanks I return.
I'm glad that the nation is greasy and rich, acquiring high station
with nary a hitch; her barns are a-bursting with mountains of grain;
her people are thirsting for glory and gain. She'll ne'er backward
linger, this land of our dads, for she is a dinger at nailing the
scads. I'm glad that our vessels bring cargoes across, while counting
rooms wrestle with profit and loss; that men know the beauties of
figures and dates, and tariffs and duties and railway rebates.
I'm glad there are dreamers not industry-drunk, surrounded by schemers
whose god is the plunk. I'm glad we've remaining incompetent jays, not
always a-straining, in four hundred ways, to run down and collar one
big rouble more, to add to the dollar they nailed just before. I'm
glad there are writers more proud of their screeds than board of trade
fighters of options and deeds. I'm glad there are preachers who tell
of a shore where wealth-weary creatures need scheme never more.
For books that were written by masters of thought; for harps that were
smitten with Homeric swat; for canvases painted by monarchs of art; for
all things untainted by tricks of the mart; for hearts that are kindly,
with virtue and peace, and not seeking blindly a hoard to increase; for
those who are grieving o'er life's sordid plan; for souls still
believing in heaven and man; for homes that are lowly with love at the
board; for things that are holy, I thank thee, O Lord!
THE BRIEF VISIT
I won't be long in this vale of tears; my works may run for a few more
years, but even that is a risky bet, and the sports are hedging already
yet. At morning a gent feels gay and nice; and evening finds him upon
the ice, with his folded hands and his long white gown, and his toes
turned up and his plans turned down. So, viewing this sad uncertainty,
and hearing the wash of the Dead Man's sea, I want to chortle the best
I can, and try to cheer up my fellow man; to make a fellow forget his
care, and make him laugh when he wants to swear, is as much as a poet
can hope to do, whose lyre is twisted and broke in two.
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