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Title: The works of the Rev. John Wesley, Vol. 13 (of 32)
Author: John Wesley
Release date: June 8, 2024 [eBook #73797]
Language: English
Original publication: Bristol: William Pine, 1771
Credits: Richard Hulse and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net (This file was produced from images generously made available by The Internet Archive)
*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE WORKS OF THE REV. JOHN WESLEY, VOL. 13 (OF 32) ***
The Works of the
Rev. John Wesley, M.A.
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THE
WORKS
OF THE
Rev. JOHN WESLEY, M.A.
Late Fellow of _Lincoln-College_, OXFORD.
VOLUME XIII.
BRISTOL:
Printed by WILLIAM PINE, in _Wine-Street_.
MDCCLXXII.
THE
CONTENTS
Of the THIRTEENTH VOLUME.
⭘ Letters written by Mr. _Brainerd_
⭘ An Extract from Miss _Mary Gilbert_’s Journal
⭘ An Extract from _Elizabeth Harper_’s Journal
⭘ A short Account of _Ann Johnson_
⭘ A short Account of _Ann Rogers_
⭘ A short Account of _Mary Langson_
⭘ A short Account of _Hannah Richardson_
⭘ A Letter to the Rev. Mr. _John Wesley_, by a _Gentlewoman_
⭘ An Extract of Mrs. _L****_’s Letters
LETTERS
WRITTEN BY
Mr. BRAINERD.
To his brother John, then a student at Yale-College
in New-Haven.
_Kaunaumeek, April 30, 1743_.
_Dear Brother_,
*I SHOULD tell you, “I long to see you,” but that my own experience
has taught me, there is no happiness to be enjoyed in _earthly friends_,
though ever so near and dear, or any other enjoyment that is not
God himself. Therefore, if the _God of all grace_ would be pleased
graciously to afford us each his presence and grace, that we may
perform the work, and endure the trials he calls us to, in a tiresome
wilderness, till we arrive at our journey’s end; the distance at
which we are held from each other at present, is a matter of no great
moment.――――But alas! the presence of God is what I want.――――I live in
the most lonely melancholy _desert_, about eighteen miles from Albany.
I board with a poor Scotchman: his wife can talk scarce a word of
English. My _diet_ consists mostly of hasty-pudding, boiled corn,
and bread baked in the ashes. My _lodging_ is a little straw, laid
upon some boards, a little way from the ground; for it is a log-room,
without any floor, that I lodge in. My _work_ is exceeding hard: I
travel on foot a mile and half, the worst of way, almost daily, and
back again; for I live so far from my Indians.――――I have not seen an
English person this month.――――These and many other circumstances as
uncomfortable, attend me; and my _spiritual conflicts_ and _distresses_
so far _exceed_ all these that I scarce think of them. The Lord grant
that I may be enabled “to endure hardness, as a good soldier of Jesus
Christ!” As to my _success_ here I cannot say much: the Indians seem
generally well disposed towards me, and are mostly very attentive to my
instructions: two or three are under some convictions; but there seems
to be little of the special workings of the divine Spirit among them
yet; which gives me many a heart-sinking hour. Sometimes I hope God has
abundant blessings in store for them and me; but at other times I am so
overwhelmed with distress, that I cannot see how his dealings with me
are consistent with covenant love and faithfulness, and I say “surely
his tender mercies are clean gone for ever.” But however, I see, I
_needed_ all this _chastisement_ already: “it is good for me,” that I
have endured these trials. Do not be discouraged by my distresses: I
was under great distress, at Mr. Pomroys, when I saw you last; but “God
has been with me of a truth,” since that. But let us always remember,
that we must _through much tribulation_ enter into God’s eternal
kingdom. The righteous are _scarcely_ saved: it is an infinite wonder,
that we have hopes of being saved at all. For my part, I feel the most
vile of any creature living; and I am sure, there is not such another
existing on this side _hell_.――――Now all you can do for me, is, to
pray incessantly, that God would make me humble, holy, resigned, and
heavenly minded, by all my trials.――――“Be strong in the Lord, and in
the power of his might.” Let us _run_, _wrestle_, and _fight_, that
we may obtain the prize, and obtain that compleat happiness, to be
“holy, as God is holy.” So wishing ♦and praying that you may advance
in learning and grace, and be fit for special service for God, I remain
_Your affectionate Brother_,
DAVID BRAINERD.
♦ duplicate word “and” removed
* * * * *
To his Brother John, at Yale-college in New-Haven.
_Kaunaumeek, December 27, 1743_.
_Dear Brother_,
I LONG to see you, and know how you fare in your journey through the
world of sorrow, where we are compassed about with “vanity, confusion,
and vexation of spirit.” I am more weary of life than ever I was. The
whole world appears to me like a vast empty space, ♦whence nothing
desirable, or at least satisfactory, can possibly be derived, and long
daily to die more and more to it; even though I obtain not that comfort
from spiritual things which I earnestly desire. Worldly pleasures, such
as flow from greatness, riches, honours, and sensual gratifications,
are infinitely _worse_ than none. May the Lord deliver us more and more
from these _vanities_! I have spent most of the fall and winter in a
very weak state of body; and sometimes under pressing inward trials,
but “having obtained help from God, I continue to this day;” and am now
something better in health. I find nothing more conducive to a life of
_Christianity_, than a diligent and faithful improvement of precious
_time_. Let us then faithfully perform that business, which is alloted
us by divine Providence to the utmost of our bodily strength and mental
vigour. Why should we sink with any particular trials, we are called
to encounter in the world? _Death_ and _eternity_ are just before us;
a few tossing billows more will waft us to the world of spirits, and we
hope (through infinite grace) into endless pleasures. Let us then “run
with patience the race that is set before us.” And Oh that we could
depend more upon the _living God_, and less upon our own wisdom and
strength! Dear brother, may the _God of all grace_ comfort your heart,
and succeed your studies, and make you an instrument of good to his
people. This is the instant prayer of
_Your affectionate Brother_,
DAVID BRAINERD.
♦ “where” replaced with “whence” per Errata
* * * * *
To his Brother Israel, at Haddam.
_Kaunaumeek, January 21, 1743‒4_.
_My dear Brother_,
――THERE is but one thing, that deserves our highest care; and that is,
that we may answer the great _end_, for which we were made, _viz._ to
_glorify_ that God, who has given us our beings and all our comforts,
and do all the good we possibly can to our _fellow-creatures_: and
verily life is not worth the having, if it be not employed for this
noble end. Yet, alas, how little is this thought of? Most men love to
_live to themselves_, without regard to the glory of God, or the good
of their fellow creatures: they earnestly desire, and eagerly pursue
the riches, honours, and pleasures of life, as if they really supposed
that wealth, or greatness, or merriment, could make their immortal
souls happy. But, alas, what false and delusive dreams are these!
And how miserable will those ere long be, who are not awaked out of
them, to see, that all their happiness consists in _living to God_, and
becoming “holy, as he is holy!” Oh, may you never fall into the tempers
and vanities, the sensuality and folly of the present world! You are
left, as it were, alone in a wide world, to act for yourself; be sure
then to remember, it is a world of _temptation_. You have no earthly
parents to form your youth to piety, by their examples and seasonable
counsels; let this excite you with great fervency to look up to the
_Father of mercies_ for assistance against all the vanities of the
world. And if you would glorify God, and make your own soul happy in
this and the coming world, observe these few _directions_; though not
from a father, yet from a brother who is touched with a tender concern
for your present and future happiness. And,
*First, Resolve upon, and daily endeavour to practise a life of
_seriousness_. Think of the life of Christ; and when you can find that
he was pleased with jesting, then you may indulge it in yourself.
Again, Be careful to make a good improvement of precious time. When you
cease from labour, fill up your time in reading, meditation, and prayer:
and while your hands are labouring, let your heart be employed, as much
as possible in divine thoughts.
Further, Take heed that you faithfully perform the _business_ you have
to do in the world, from a regard to the command of God. We should
always look upon ourselves as God’s servants, placed in God’s world
to do his work; and accordingly labour faithfully for him; not with a
design to grow rich and great, but to glorify God, and do all the good
we possibly can.
*Again, Never expect happiness from the world. If you hope for
happiness in the world, hope for it from God, and not _from_ the world.
Do not think you shall be more happy, if you live to such or such a
state of life, if you live to be for yourself, to be settled in the
world, or if you should gain an estate in it: but look upon it that
you shall then be _happy_, when you can be constantly employed for God,
and not for yourself; and desire to live in this world, only to _do_
and _suffer_ what God allots to you. When you can be of the spirit and
temper of angels, who are willing to come down into this lower world,
to perform what God commands them, though their desires are _heavenly_,
and not set on _earthly_ things, then you will be of that temper that
you ought to have.
Once more, Never think that you can live to God by _your own_ strength;
but always look to, and rely on _him_ for assistance, yea, for all
strength and grace. There is no greater _truth_ than this, that “we
can do nothing of ourselves;” yet nothing but our own _experience_
can effectually teach it to us. Indeed we are a long time in learning,
that all our strength and salvation is in God. This is a life, that no
_unconverted_ man can live; yet it is a life that every godly soul is
pressing after. Let it then be your great concern to devote yourself
and your all to God.
I long to see you, that I may say much more to you than I now can, but
I desire to commit you to the _Father of mercies_, and _God of all
grace_; praying that you may be directed safely through an _evil world_,
to God’s _heavenly kingdom_.
_I am your affectionate loving brother_,
DAVID BRAINERD.
* * * * *
To a special Friend.
_The Forks of Delaware, July 31, 1744._
*――CERTAINLY the greatest, the noblest pleasure of intelligent
creatures must result from their acquaintance with the blessed God,
and with their own immortal souls. And Oh, how divinely sweet is it,
to look into our own souls, when we can find all our passions united
and engaged in pursuit of God, our whole souls passionately breathing
after a conformity to him, and the full enjoyment of him! Verily there
are no hours pass away with so much pleasure, as those that are spent
in communing with God and our own hearts. Oh, how sweet is a spirit
of devotion, a spirit of seriousness and divine solemnity, a spirit
of gospel simplicity, love, tenderness! Oh, how desirable, and how
profitable to the Christian life, is a spirit of holy watchfulness,
and godly jealousy over ourselves; when we are afraid of nothing so
much as that we shall offend the blessed God, whom we apprehend, to
be a _father and a friend_; whom we love and long to please! Surely
this is a temper, worthy of the highest ambition and closest pursuit
of intelligent creatures. Oh, how vastly superior is the peace, and
satisfaction derived from these divine frames, to that which we pursue
in things impertinent and trifling! Our own bitter experience teaches
us, that “in the midst of such laughter the heart is sorrowful,”
and there is no true satisfaction but in God. But, alas! how shall
we obtain and retain this sweet spirit of religion? Let us follow
the apostle’s direction, Philippians ii. 12. and labour upon the
encouragement he there mentions, for it is God only can afford us
favour; and he will be _sought_, and it is fit we should wait upon
him for so rich a mercy. Oh, may the God of all grace afford us the
influences of his Spirit: and help us that we may from our hearts
esteem it our greatest liberty and happiness, that “whether we live,
we may live to the Lord, or whether we die, we may die to the Lord:”
that in _life_ and _death_, we may be his!
I am in a very poor state of health: but through divine goodness, I
am not discontented: I bless God for this retirement; I never was more
thankful for any thing, than I have been of late for the necessity I
am under of self-denial: *I love to be a _pilgrim_ and _stranger_ in
this wilderness: it seems most fit for such a poor, ignorant, worthless
creature as I. I would not change my present _mission_ for any other
business in the whole world. I may tell you freely, God has of late
given me great freedom and fervency in prayer when I have been so
weak and feeble, my nature seemed as if it would speedily dissolve.
I feel as if my _all_ was lost, and I was undone, if the poor Heathen
be not converted. I feel different from what I did when I saw you
last, more _crucified_ to all the enjoyments of life. It would be very
refreshing to me, to see you here in this desert; especially in my weak
disconsolate hours: but, I could be content never to see you, or any
of my friends again in this world, if God would bless my labours to the
conversion of the poor Indians.
I have much that I could willingly communicate to you, which I must
omit, till Providence gives us leave to see each other. In the mean
time, I rest
_Your obliged friend and servant_,
DAVID BRAINERD.
* * * * *
To his Brother John, at College.
_Crosweeksung, in New-Jersey, December 28, 1745._
_Very Dear Brother_,
――I AM in one continued and uninterrupted hurry; and divine Providence
throws so much upon me, that I do not see it will ever be otherwise.
May I “obtain mercy of God to be faithful to the death!” I cannot say,
I am weary of my hurry; I only want strength and grace to do more for
God.
My dear brother, _The Lord of heaven_, that has carried me through many
trials, _bless you_; bless you for time and eternity; and fit you to do
service for him in his church below, and to enjoy his blissful presence
in his church triumphant. My brother; “the time is short:” Oh let us
fill it up for God; let us count the sufferings of this present time as
nothing, if we can but “finish our course with joy.” Oh, let us strive
to live to God. I bless the Lord, I have nothing to do with _earth_,
but only to labour honestly in it for God, till I shall “accomplish as
an hireling my day.” I do not desire to live one minute for any thing
that _earth_ can afford. Oh, that I could live for none but God, till
my dying moment!
_I am your affectionate brother_,
DAVID BRAINERD.
* * * * *
To his Brother Israel, at College, written a few Months
before his Death.
_Boston, June 30, 1747._
_My dear brother_,
IT is from the sides of _eternity_ I now address you. I am heartily
sorry, that I have so little strength to write what I long to
communicate to you. But let me tell you, my brother, _eternity_
is another thing than we ordinarily take it to be. Oh, how vast
and boundless! Oh, how fixed and unalterable! Oh, of what infinite
importance is it, that we be prepared for _eternity_! I have been just
dying for more than a week; and all around me have thought so: in this
time I have had clear views of _eternity_: have seen the blessedness
of the _godly_; and have longed to share their happy state; as well as
been comfortably satisfied, that I shall do so; but Oh, what anguish
is raised in my mind, to think of an _eternity_ for those who are
_Christless_, for those who bring their false hopes to the grave
with them! The sight was so dreadful, I could by no means bear it:
my thoughts recoiled, and I said, “Who can dwell with everlasting
burnings!” Oh, methought, that I could now see my friends, that I
might warn them, to see to it, they lay their foundation for _eternity_
sure. And you my dear brother, I have been particularly concerned for;
and have wondered I so much neglected conversing with you about your
spiritual state at our last meeting. Oh, let me beseech you now to
examine, whether you are indeed a _new creature_? Whether the glory of
God has ever been the highest concern with you? Whether you have ever
been reconciled to all the perfections of God? In a word, whether God
has been your portion, and a holy conformity to him your chief delight?
If you have reason to think you are _graceless_, Oh, give yourself no
rest, till God arise and save. But if the case should be otherwise,
bless God for his grace, and press after holiness.
Oh, my dear brother, flee fleshly _lusts_, and the inchanting
_amusements_, as well as corrupt _doctrines_ of the present day; and
strive to _live to God_. Take this as the last line from
_Your affectionate dying brother_,
DAVID BRAINERD.
* * * * *
To a young Gentleman, a _Candidate_ for the _Ministry_,
written at the same time.
_Very dear Sir_,
HOW amazing it is, that the _living_ who _know they must die_, should
notwithstanding “put far away the evil day,” in a season of health
and prosperity: and live at such an awful distance from the grave,
and the great concerns beyond it! And especially, that any whose minds
have been divinely ♦enlightened, to behold the important things of
_eternity_ should live in this manner. And yet, how ♠frequently is
this the case? *How rare are the instances of those who live and act,
from day to-day, as on the verge of _eternity_; striving to fill up
all their remaining moments, in the service of their great _Master_?
We insensibly trifle away time, while we seem to have enough of it;
and are so strangely amused, as in a great measure to lose a sense of
the holiness, necessary to prepare us to be inhabitants of the heavenly
_paradise_. But, Oh, dear Sir, a _dying bed_, if we enjoy our reason,
will give another view of things. I have now, far more than three
weeks, lain under the greatest weakness; the greater part of the time,
expecting daily and hourly to enter into the eternal world. And Oh, of
what vast importance has a holy, spiritual life, appeared to me to be
in this season! I have longed to call upon all my friends, to make it
their business to _live to God_; and especially all that are designed
for, or engaged in the service of the sanctuary. O dear Sir, do not
think it enough, to live at the rate of _common Christians_. Alas, to
how little purpose do they often converse, when they meet together!
The visits, even of those who are called Christians indeed, are
frequently quite barren; and conscience cannot but condemn us for the
misemployment of time, while we have been conversant with them. But the
way to enjoy the divine presence, and be fitted for his service, is to
live a life of _great devotion_ and _constant self-dedication_ to him;
observing the motions and dispositions of our own hearts, whence we may
learn the corruptions that lodge there, and our constant need of help
from God for the performance of the least duty. And Oh, dear Sir, let
me beseech you frequently to attend the great and precious duties of
_secret fasting_ and _prayer_.
♦ “enlightend” replaced with “enlightened”
♠ “frequent” replaced with “frequently” per Errata
Oh labour to be prepared and qualified to do much for God. Suffer me
to entreat you earnestly to “give yourself to prayer, to reading and
meditation” on divine truths: strive to penetrate to the bottom of
them, and never be content with a superficial knowledge. By this means,
your thoughts will grow weighty and judicious; and you thereby will be
possessed of a valuable treasure, out of which you may produce “things
new and old,” to the glory of God.
And now, “I commend you to the grace of God;” earnestly desiring,
that a plentiful portion of the divine Spirit may rest upon you; that
you may _live to God_ in every capacity, and that you may be richly
qualified for the “inheritance of the saints in light.”
I scarce expect to see your face any more in the body; and therefore
intreat you to accept this as the last token of love, from
_Your sincerely affectionate dying friend_,
DAVID BRAINERD.
* * * * *
To his Brother John, at Bethel, the Town of
Christian Indians in New-Jersey, written at Boston,
♦not long before his death.
♦ “before” replaced with “not long before” per Errata
_Dear Brother_,
*I AM now just on the verge of _eternity_, expecting very speedily to
appear in the unseen world. I feel myself no more an inhabitant on
earth, and sometimes earnestly long to “depart and be with Christ.” I
bless God, he has for some years given me an abiding conviction, that
it is impossible for any rational creature to enjoy true happiness
without being entirely “devoted to him.” Under the influence of this
conviction I have in some measure acted: Oh that I had done more so! I
saw both the excellency and necessity of holiness; but never in such a
manner as now, when I am just brought to the sides of the grave. Oh, my
brother, pursue after holiness: press towards the blessed mark; and let
your thirsty soul continually say, “I shall never be sanctified till I
awake in thy likeness.”
And now, my dear brother, as I must press you to pursue after
_personal_ holiness, to be as much in _fasting_ and _prayer_ as your
health will allow, and to live above the rate of _common Christians_:
so I must intreat you to attend to your public work; labour to
distinguish between true and false religion; and to that end, watch
the motions of God’s Spirit upon your own heart; look to him for help,
and impartially compare your experiences with his word.
Charge my people in the name of their _dying minister_, yea, in the
name of _him who was dead and is alive_, to live and walk as becomes
the gospel. Tell them, how great the expectations of God and his
people are from them, and how awfully they will wound God’s cause, if
they fall into vice: as well as fatally prejudice other poor Indians.
*Always insist, that their joys are _delusive_, although they may have
been rapt up into the _third heavens_, unless the main tenor of their
_lives_ be spiritual, watchful and holy. In pressing these things,
“thou shalt both save thyself, and those that hear thee.”――
God knows, I was heartily willing to have served him longer in the
work of the ministry, although it had still been attended with all the
_labours_ and _hardships_ of past years, if he had seen fit: but as his
will appears otherwise, I can with the utmost freedom say, “The will of
the Lord be done.” It affects me, to think of leaving you in a world of
sin: my heart pities you, that those storms and tempests are yet before
you, which through grace I am almost delivered from. But “God lives,
and blessed be my rock:” he is the same Almighty friend; and will, I
trust, be your guide and helper, as he has been mine.
And now, my dear brother, “I commend you to God and to the word of his
grace, which is able to build you up, and give you an inheritance among
all them that are sanctified.” May you enjoy the divine presence, both
in private and public; and may “the arms of your hands be made strong,
by the right hand of the mighty God of Jacob!” Which are the passionate
desires and prayers of
_Your affectionate dying brother_,
DAVID BRAINERD.
SOME
Reflections _and_ Observations
ON THE
Preceding _Memoirs_ of Mr. BRAINERD.
I. WE have here an opportunity, in a very lively _instance_, to see the
_nature_ of _true religion_; and the _manner_ of its _operation_ when
exemplified in a high degree. Particularly it may be observed.
1. How greatly Mr. Brainerd’s religion differed from that of some who,
depending on something past, settle in a cold, careless, and carnal
frame of mind, and in a neglect of thorough, earnest religion. Although
his convictions and conversion were exceeding clear, yet how far was
he from acting as though he thought he had _got through his work_, when
once he had obtained satisfaction of his interest in Christ? On the
contrary, this was with him but the beginning of his work, his entering
on the great business, his first setting out in his race. His obtaining
rest in Christ, after earnest striving to enter in at the strait
gate, he did not look upon as putting an end to any further occasion
for striving and violence in religion: but these were continued, and
maintained constantly, through all changes, to the very end of life.
He continued pressing forward, forgeting the things that were behind,
and reaching forth towards the things that were before. His pains and
earnestness in religion were rather increased than diminished, after he
had received satisfaction concerning the safety of his state. Love to
God, and longings after holiness, were more effectual to engage him to
pains and activity, than fear of hell had been before.
And as his conversion was not the end of his work, or of his diligence
in religion; so neither was it the end of the _work of the Spirit_ of
God on his heart; but rather the beginning; the first dawning of the
light, which thenceforward increased more and more; the beginning of
his holy affections, his sorrow for sin, his love to God, his rejoicing
in Christ, his longings after holiness. And the powerful operations
of the Spirit of God herein, were carried on, from the day of his
conversion, to his dying day. His religious experiences, his admiration,
joy, and praise, did not only hold for a few days, weeks, or months;
and then gradually die away, till they came to leave him without any
sensible experience of holy and divine affections, for months together;
as it is with many, who soon come to that pass, that it is again with
them much as it is used to be before their conversion, with respect to
any present views of God’s glory, or ardent out-goings of their souls
after divine objects; but only now and then they have a comfortable
reflection on times past; and so rest easy, thinking all well; they
have had a good clear work, and they doubt not but they shall go to
heaven when they die. How far otherwise was it with Mr. Brainerd! His
experiences, instead of dying away, were evidently of an increasing
nature. His first love, and other holy affections, even at the
beginning were very great; but after months and years, became
much greater, and more remarkable; and the exercises of his mind
continued exceeding great, (though not equally so at all times) without
remissness, and without dwindling away, even till his decease. They
began in a time of general deadness, and were greatly increased in the
general reviving of religion. And when a general deadness returned,
his experiences were still kept up in their height, and so continued
in a general course wherever he was, in sickness and in health, living
and dying. The change that was wrought in him at his conversion,
was agreeable to scripture, a great change, and an abiding change,
rendering him a new creature: not only a change as to comfort; and a
transient change, consisting in passing affections; but a change of
_nature_, a change of the abiding temper of his mind. Not a partial
change, in opinion, or outward reformation, much less a change from one
error to another; but an universal change, both internal, and external,
from the habits of sin, to universal holiness.
*It appears plainly, from his conversion to his death, that the great
object of the new appetites given him, and thenceforward maintained and
increased in his heart, was HOLINESS, conformity to God, living to God,
and glorifying him. This was what drew his heart; this was the center
of his soul; this was the ocean to which all his religious affections
tended: this was the object which engaged his eager desires and earnest
pursuits: he knew no true happiness, but this: this was what he longed
for most vehemently and constantly on _earth_; and this was with
him the beauty and blessedness of heaven, to be perfectly holy, and
perfectly exercised in the holy employments of heaven; to glorify God,
and enjoy him for ever.
*His religious affections were attended with _evangelical humiliation_;
consisting in a sense of his own insufficiency, and despicableness.
How deeply affected was he almost continually with his great defects in
religion; with his vast distance from that spirituality that became him;
with his ignorance, deadness, unsteadiness, barrenness? He was not only
affected with the remembrance of his former sinfulness, but with the
sense of his present vileness. He was not only disposed to think meanly
of himself as _before God_; but among men, and compared with them.
He was apt to think ♦other saints better than he; yea, to look upon
himself as the least of saints; yea, the vilest and worst of mankind,
And notwithstanding his great attainments in spiritual knowledge, yet
we find there is scarce any thing he is more frequently abased with,
than his ignorance.
♦ “think of other” replaced with “think other” per Errata
*How eminently did he appear to be of a _meek_ and _quiet_ spirit,
resembling the lamb-like, dove-like Spirit of Christ! How full of love,
meekness, quietness, forgiveness, and mercy! His love was not fondness
for a party, but universal; often exercised to his greatest opposers
and enemies. His love and meekness were effectual in expensive and
painful deeds of kindness; readily confessing faults under the greatest
trials, and humbling himself even at the feet of those from whom he had
suffered most: and from time to time praying for his enemies, abhorring
the thoughts of bitterness and resentment towards them. I scarce knew
where to look for a parallel instance of self-denial, in these respects,
in the present age. He was a person of great zeal; but how did he abhor
a bitter zeal, and lament it where he saw it! And though he was once
drawn into some degrees of it, by the force of example; yet how did he
go about with a heart bruised and broken in pieces for it all his life
after!
Of how _soft_ and _tender_ a spirit was he! How far were his
experiences, hopes, and joys, from a tendency to lessen conviction and
tenderness of conscience, to cause him to be less affected with present
and past sins, and less conscientious with respect to future sins,
more easy in the neglect of duties that are troublesome, less apt to
be alarmed at his own defects, and more easily induced to a compliance
with carnal appetites! On the contrary, how tender was his conscience!
how apt was his heart to smite him! how greatly was he alarmed at the
appearance of evil! how great and constant was his jealousy over his
own heart! how strict his care and watchfulness against sin! how deep
and sensible were the wounds that sin made in his conscience! Those
evils that are generally accounted small, were almost an insupportable
burden to him; such as his inward deficiencies, his having no more
love to God, any slackness or dulness, any unsteadiness, or wandering,
how did the consideration of such things as these abase him, and fill
him with shame and confusion! His love and hope, though they cast
out a servile fear of hell, yet were attended with, and promoted a
reverential filial fear of God, a dread of sin, and of God’s holy
displeasure. His assurance and comfort promoted and maintained mourning
for sin: holy mourning with him, was not only the work of an hour or
a day, at his first conversion; but he was a mourner for sin all his
days. He did not, after he received forgiveness, forget his past sins,
committed before his conversion; but the remembrance of them from time
to time, filled his heart with renewed grief: and how lastingly did the
sins committed after his conversion, affect and break his heart! If he
did any thing whereby he thought he had dishonoured God, he had never
done with calling it to mind with sorrow: though he was assured that
God had forgiven it, yet he never forgave himself.
His religion was not like a blazing meteor, flying through the
firmament with a bright train, and then quickly going out; but like the
steady lights of heaven, that are constant principles of light, though
sometimes hid with clouds. Nor like a land-flood, which flows far and
wide, bearing down all afore it, and then dried up; but like a stream
fed by living springs; which though sometimes diminished, yet is a
_constant stream_.
*Mr. Brainerd’s comforts were not like those of some other persons,
which are attended with a spiritual satiety, and put an end to their
religious longings, at least to the ardency of them. On the contrary,
how were they always attended with longings and thirstings after
greater degrees of conformity to God! And the greater and sweeter his
comforts were, the more vehement were his desires after holiness. For
his longings were not so much after joyful discoveries of God’s love;
as after greater spirituality, an heart more engaged for God, to love
and exalt, and depend upon him; an ability better to serve him, to do
more for his glory. And his desires were powerful and effectual, to
animate him to the eager pursuit of these things. His comforts never
put an end to his seeking after God, but greatly enlarged him therein.
His religion did not consist only in _experience_, without _practice_.
All his comforts had a direct tendency to practice; and this, not
merely a practice _negatively_ good, but a practice _positively_
holy, in a serious, devout, humble, meek, charitable, and beneficent
conversation: making the service of God, the business of life, which he
pursued with the greatest earnestness and diligence to the end of his
days.
♦III. The foregoing account shews, that there is indeed such a thing as
true _experimental religion_, arising from immediate divine influences,
supernaturally enlightening and convincing the mind, and powerfully
quickening, sanctifying, and governing the heart; which religion
is indeed of happy tendency, and of no hurtful consequence to human
society; notwithstanding there have been many pretences to experimental
religion, that have proved to be nothing but _enthusiasm_.
♦ point II. not indicated in text
If any insist, that Mr. Brainerd’s religion was _enthusiasm_, I would
ask, if such things as these are the fruits of enthusiasm, _viz._
honesty and simplicity, sincere and earnest desires and endeavours,
to know and do whatever is right, and to avoid every thing that is
wrong; love to God, placing the happiness of life in him; not only
in contemplating him, but in being active in pleasing, and ♦serving
him; a firm belief in the Messiah, as the Saviour of the world;
together with great love to him, and longing for the enlargement
of his kingdom; resignation to the will of God, under all trials;
benevolence to mankind, reaching all persons without distinction,
manifested in sweetness of speech and behaviour, mercy, liberality, and
earnest seeking the good of the souls and bodies of men; attended with
extraordinary humility, meekness, forgiveness of injuries, and love to
enemies; a modest, and decent deportment, among superiors, inferiors,
and equals: a diligent improvement of time, and earnest care to lose
no part of it; great watchfulness against all sorts ♠of sin, of heart,
speech, and action; and the foregoing amiable virtues all ending in a
marvellous peace, unmoveable calmness, and resignation, in the sensible
approaches of death: I say, if all these things are _enthusiasm_, that
enthusiasm is a desirable and excellent thing.
♦ “serve” replaced with “serving” per Errata
♠ “sin” replaced with “of sin” per Errata
And whereas there are many that are not professed opposers of
_experimental religion_, who yet doubt of it, from the _bad lives_ of
some professors; and are ready to determine there is nothing in all
the talk about being born again, because that many that pretend to it,
manifest no abiding alteration in their disposition and behaviour; are
as careless, carnal, or covetous as ever; yea, perhaps much worse than
ever: it is acknowledged, that this is the case with some; but they
may see it is not so with all. There are some indisputable instances of
such a change, a “renovation of the spirit of the mind,” and a “walking
in newness of life.” In the foregoing instance particularly, they may
see the abiding influence of such a work of conversion; the fruits of
such experience through a course of years; under a great variety of
circumstances, and the blessed event of it in life and death.
IV. Is there not much in the preceding memoirs to teach and excite to
duty, us who are called to the work of the ministry? What a deep sense
had he of the importance of that work, and with what weight did it lie
on his mind? How sensible was he of his own insufficiency for this work:
and how great was his dependence on God’s sufficiency! How solicitous,
that he might be fitted for it! And to this end how much time did
he spend in prayer and fasting, as well as reading and meditation;
_giving himself to these things_! How did he dedicate his whole life,
all his powers and talents to God and renounce the world, with all
its ensnaring enjoyments, that he might be wholly at liberty to serve
Christ in this work; and to please him who had chosen him to be his
soldier. With what solicitude, solemnity, and diligence did he devote
himself to God our Saviour, and, seek his presence and blessing, at
the time of his _ordination_! And how was his whole heart constantly
engaged, his whole time employed, his whole strength spent in the
business he then undertook!――And his history shews us the right way
to _success_ in the work of the ministry. He sought it as a resolute
soldier seeks victory, in a siege or battle, or as a man that runs a
race for a prize. Animated with love to Christ and souls, how did he
“labour always fervently,” not only in word and doctrine, in public and
private, but in prayers day and night, “wrestling with God” in secret,
and “travailing in birth,” with unutterable groans, “until, Christ were
formed” in the hearts of the people to whom he was sent! How did he
thirst for a blessing on his ministry; and “watch for souls as one that
must give account!” How did he go forth in the strength of the Lord
God; depending on a special influence of the _Spirit_! And what was the
happy fruit at last, though after long waiting, and many discouraging
appearances! Like a true son of Jacob, he persevered in wrestling until
the breaking of the day.
V. The foregoing account may instruct _Christians in general_; as it
shews in many respects, the right way of _practising_ religion, in
order to obtain the ends of it; or how Christians should “run the race
set before them,” if they would adorn their profession, be serviceable
to mankind, have the comforts of religion while they live, be free
from disquieting doubts; enjoy peace in the approach of death, and
“finish their course with joy.”――――In general he much recommended,
for this purpose, the _redemption of time_, and great _diligence in
watchfulness_.
*And his example, with regard to one duty in special, may be of great
use to both ministers and private Christians: I mean the duty of secret
fasting. The reader has seen how much Mr. Brainerd recommends this duty,
how frequently he exercised himself in it; and of what great benefit
it evidently was to his soul. Among all the days he spent in secret
fasting and prayer, there is scarce an instance of one, but what was
attended with a remarkable blessing.――――But it must be observed, that
when he set about this duty, he did it in good earnest: “stirring up
himself to take hold of God,” and “continuing instant in prayer,” with
much of the spirit of Jacob, who said to the angel. “I will not let
thee go, except thou bless me.”
VI. One thing more may be observed in the preceding account, the
_remarkable disposal_ of ♦divine Providence, with respect to the
circumstances of his last _sickness and death_.
♦ “di-divine” replaced with “divine”
Though he had long been infirm, his constitution being broken by
fatigues and hardships; and though he was often brought very low by
illness, yet his life was preserved, till he had seen that which he
had so greatly desired, a glorious work of grace among the Indians.
And though it was the pleasure of God, that he should be taken off
from his labours among that people, who were so dear to him; yet this
was not before they were well instructed in the Christian religion,
confirmed in the Christian faith and manners, formed into a church;
brought into a way with respect to the education of children; collected
in a town by themselves, on a good piece of land of their own; and
introduced into the way of husbandry. These things were just brought to
pass by his indefatigable application, and then he was taken off from
his work. If this had been but a little sooner, they would by no means
have been prepared for such a dispensation: and it probably would have
been ♦more hurt to their spiritual interest, ♠and to the cause of
Christianity among them.
♦ “more” replaced with “more hurt” per Errata
♠ “and of” replaced with “and to” per Errata
The time and circumstances of his illness were so ordered, that he had
just opportunity to finish his journal. A foundation was hereby laid
for a concern in others for that cause, and proper care and measures
to be taken for the maintaining it after his death. As it has actually
proved to be of great benefit in this respect; it having excited
many in those parts, and also more distant parts of America, to exert
themselves for the promoting so glorious a work, remarkably opening
their hearts and hands: and not only in America, but in Great-Britain,
where that Journal has been an occasion of some large benefactions,
made for the promoting the interest of Christianity among the Indians.
He was not taken off from the work of the ministry among his people,
till his _brother_ was in a capacity to succeed him: who succeeds
him in the like spirit, and under whose prudent and faithful care his
congregation has flourished, and been very happy, since he left them;
and probably could not have been so well provided for otherwise. If
Mr. Brainerd had been disabled sooner, his _brother_ would not have
been ready to stand up in his place; having taken his first degrees
at college, but about that time that he was seized with this fatal
consumption.
Though in that winter that he lay sick at Mr. Dickinson’s in
Elisabeth-Town, he continued, for a long time in an extreme low state,
so that sometimes it was hardly expected he would live a day to an
end; yet his life was spared awhile longer; he lived to see his brother
arrive in New-Jersey, being come to ♦succeed him in the care of his
Indians: and he himself had opportunity to assist in his examination
and introduction into his business: and to commit the conduct of his
dear people to one whom he well knew, and could use freedom with in
giving him particular instructions, and under whose care he could leave
his congregation with great chearfulness.
♦ “succed” replaced with “succeed”
The providence of God was remarkable in so ordering it, that before
his death he should take a journey to Boston; which was of very happy
consequence to the interest of religion, and especially among his
own people. By this means, as has been observed, he was brought into
acquaintance with many persons of note and influence, ministers, and
others, belonging both to the town and various parts of the country;
and had opportunity under the best advantages, to bear a testimony for
God and true religion.
The providence of God was observable in his going to Boston at a time
when not only the honourable commissioners were seeking missionaries,
to the Six Nations, but just after his journal, which gives an account
of his labours and success among the Indians, had been spread at
Boston; whereby his name was known, and the minds of serious people
were well prepared to receive him, and the testimony he gave for
God; to exert themselves for upholding the interest of religion among
his congregation, and among the Indians elsewhere; and to regard his
judgment concerning the qualifications of missionaries. If he had gone
there the fall before, (when he had intended it, but was prevented by
a sudden increase of his illness) it would not have been to so good
effect; and also if he had not been unexpectedly detained in Boston.
When he went from my house he intended to make but a very short
stay there; but divine Providence by his being brought so low there,
detained him long: thereby to make way for the fulfilling its own
gracious designs.
Thus, although it was the pleasure of God, that he should be taken away
from his congregation; yet it was granted to him that before he died
he should see them well provided for every way: he saw them provided
for with one to instruct them, and take care of their souls; his own
brother whom he could confide in; he saw a good foundation laid for the
support of the school among them: those things that before were wanting,
being supplied; and he had also opportunity to leave all his dying
charges, with his successor in the care of his people, and by him to
send his dying counsels to them.
*Another thing, wherein appears the merciful disposal of Providence,
was that he did not die in the wilderness, among the savages at
Kaunaumeek, or the Forks of Delaware, or at Susquahannah: but in a
place where his dying behaviour might be observed, and some account
given for the benefit of survivors: and also where care might be taken
of him in his sickness, and proper honours done him at his death.
*I would not conclude my observations on the merciful circumstances
of Mr. Brainerd’s death, without acknowledging with thankfulness, the
gracious dispensation of Providence to me and my family in so ordering,
that he (though the ordinary place of his abode was more than two
hundred miles distant) should be cast to my house, in his last sickness,
and should die here: so that we had opportunity for much conversation
with him, and to shew him kindness in such circumstances, and to see
his dying behaviour, to hear his dying speeches, to receive his dying
counsels, and to have the benefit of his dying prayers. May God in
infinite mercy grant, that we may ever retain a proper remembrance
of these things, and make a due improvement of the advantages we have
had! The Lord grant also, that the foregoing account may be for ♦the
spiritual benefit of all that read it, and prove a happy means of
promoting true religion in the world. Amen.
♦ duplicate word “the” removed
An EXTRACT of
Miss _Mary Gilbert_’s JOURNAL.
TO THE READER.
1. AMONG the innumerable novelties which have appeared in the world,
within half a century, I do not remember to have seen the experience of
a child written by herself. Herein much variety is not to be expected,
nor any art or ornament at all: as she set down from time to time,
merely for her own use, just what occurred between God and her own soul.
But on this very account, persons of understanding will set the greater
value upon it: because it contains only genuine Christian experience,
painted in its native colours.
2. The reflections occasionally interspersed, are always just,
frequently strong and affecting: particularly those on death, or
the shortness of life, especially from the mouth of a child. And
the language wherein they are expressed, altho’ plain and altogether
unstudied, is yet pure and terse in the highest degree, yea frequently
elegant: such as the most polite either of our lawyers or divines would
not easily alter for the better. Such language I hardly know where to
find, unless in the almost inimitable letters of _Jane Cooper_: between
whom and _Miss Gilbert_ there was a remarkable resemblance, both in
sentiment and expression. And had it pleased the all-wise Disposer of
all things, to give her a few more years on earth, and an increase of
grace in proportion to her years, she would have been another _Jane
Cooper_.
JOHN WESLEY.
_Liverpool_,
April 7th, 1768.
* * * * *
A short ACCOUNT of
Miss MARY GILBERT.
THE ensuing account it is hoped may animate those who are in the
morning of life, to a due improvement of their time, in _remembering
their_ CREATOR _in the days of their youth_; so that they may offer
him the first fruits of those precious moments, in which they are
probationers for an awful eternity: and which when past, whether they
have been employed in the important ♦task or not, are irrecoverably
gone.
♦ “talk” replaced with “task” per Errata
If it has this happy effect, the desired end will be fully answered,
which is, that God’s grace and saving power may be manifested, in
additional instances, both of living and dying witnesses.
Miss Mary Gilbert, was the eldest daughter of _Nathaniel Gilbert_, of
the island of _Antigua_, Esq; by his wife _Elizabeth_, both persons of
good families and eminent piety, whose chief study it was to train up
their children in the knowledge of God and his ways, according to the
established religion of the _church_ of _England_.
She was born in the same island on the 28th of _February, 1751_, under
the happy circumstance of having parents, who as they were wanting
in no act of care and tenderness to their offspring, so took care in
particular to make them like young _Timothy_, acquainted from their
infancy with the _holy scriptures_. In the earliest dawn of reason
she discovered an extraordinary capacity and uncommon understanding;
a great willingness to learn; and a desire of being instructed, which
often occasioned her to ask the most pertinent questions. Such a
genius was observed by her parents with much gratitude, to him who is
the author and dispenser of every good and perfect gift. Her natural
disposition was a mixture of good and evil. She was a strict observer
of truth, which appeared to arise from a nobleness of mind, which made
her incapable of those meannesses from whence the vice of falshood
springs. But as every flower in nature’s garden, however blooming
needs improving, so did this principle in her; for as it was productive
of some virtues, so it no less occasioned the greatest blemishes in
her temper; such as high-spiritedness, pride and self-will; which
notwithstanding the shining example of her parents, and their care to
restrain, would, while she was very young often gain an ascendency.
In the year 1757, her father and mother made a voyage to _England_,
(bringing this daughter and their other children with them) entirely
upon a religious account, and in order to enjoy the company of some
who were esteemed persons of remarkable piety and extensive usefulness,
and with them to partake of those sacred privileges, with which their
native island was not yet favoured. During their residence in _England_,
she shewed the greatest delight in reading religious books, and in
receiving the instruction of serious Christians, who were frequently
entertained at her father’s house. So that what was recorded of the
royal psalmist, might be asserted of her, _All_ her _delight was in the
saints upon earth_. Her father’s affairs calling him back to _Antigua_,
he, with his family left _England_, in the beginning of the year 1759,
taking with them a person whose sentiments and abilities they approved
of, to whose care they committed the education of their children, for
whom their daughter Mary soon contracted a very tender affection; far
from shunning the company of one that was to correct her faults, and
whose presence must restrain the little levities of childhood. She for
these very reasons, delighted in being constantly confined with her,
even in those hours which she might have spent at play with her sisters.
These seasons she employed in improving her mind, and having the
liberty of retiring into a closet within her governess’s chamber, she
would continue in it for a long time every day reading, praying, and
meditating, and her remarks upon what she read, were often just, and
instructive.
As soon as she had learned to write, she seldom failed noting down
whatever appeared useful in any author she read; and having a very
retentive memory, she stored it with scripture truths, so that many of
her relatives and others, were greatly surprised at her readiness in
repeating, and finding out almost any text in those sacred pages. She
likewise wrote several books of well collected texts, in proof of some
of the _fundamental doctrines_ of the church of England, such as, _The
fallen state of man, the necessity of repentance, of the new birth, and
of holiness_. Before she was twelve years of age, she corresponded with
some persons in England, and her letters were much admired; tho’ as she
grew older, her stile greatly improved, so that she had acquired both
an easy and elegant manner of addressing different persons, and upon
various occasions, tho’ religion was her constant theme: herein, as in
other instances, endeavouring to redeem as much as possible the golden
moments of her contracted span.
Thus she gently and profitably passed five years of her pilgrimage,
without variation, and exempt from vicissitudes under her parents
roof, till in the year 1764, they thought it most for her advantage to
send her to _England_, to finish her education. Here she arrived the
28th of May that year: from that time boarding with an aunt, and being
under the care of the same tutoress, who had before gone with her to
_Antigua_. This separation from the best of parents, could not but
prove an afflictive circumstance to one of her great sensibility, and
who was a most dutiful and affectionate child; but this was alleviated
by the pleasing hopes they gave her, that they themselves would
soon come and reside in England, a thought which as it enabled her
chearfully to bear their absence, so it animated her to a more than
ordinary improvement of time, in order to render them the utmost
satisfaction, when she should have the happiness of being restored to
them; a period, which she often mentioned with the greatest delight;
but which the infinitely wise disposer of events saw right never to
indulge her with. It was with great pleasure that we observed, as her
years increased, her good understanding, and the power of religion
entirely prevailed over those tempers, which have before been mentioned,
so that she became, every day more amiable, and was more endeared to
all that knew her. On the first of January 1765, she began to keep
a diary, chiefly consisting of the Lord’s dealings with her soul.
This will give a juster conception of her understanding in the way
of godliness, of her improvement of time, and the propriety of her
sentiments on many occasions, than any thing that could be said upon
the subject. She was one of those happy few, who are not afraid of
being singularly pious, and was deeply convinced that the service
of God is no impediment to, but the greatest augmentation of true
happiness, in every period and circumstance of life. She had learned to
disdain the follies of the world, always chusing plainness and neatness
in dress, rather than gaiety and extravagance, and preferring an
hour’s solitude, spent in communing with her own heart, or in searching
the word of God, before all those trifling amusements, which so much
engross the attention, and waste the time of the generality of persons
of all ages.
Thus though young in years, she contemplated her latter end, and
applied her heart unto true wisdom, and is now reaping the vast
advantage in a blest eternity. She was so exercised in the needful
duty of self-inspection, as to discern the imperfection of her best
performances, and utterly to disclaim every other hope of obtaining the
divine favour than that built on the sure foundation, Jesus Christ and
him crucified. An interest in his atoning blood, was what she sincerely
sought after; being truly sensible of the necessity of being born again,
before we can enter into the kingdom of heaven. She thought the time
long ere she was admitted into the glorious liberty of the children of
God; and would greatly deplore her own instability, levity, and want of
earnestness, to which she attributed her Lord’s delay; but these things
tho’ felt by her tender and enlightened conscience, did not appear
to others. And the Lord was not slack concerning his promise, as her
following experience proved, when he came suddenly to the temple of
her heart, never to leave her more. Some weeks before her last sickness
she told a friend, that she had been greatly led out in the meditation
of death, that she formerly considered it as very dreadful, but had
of late seen it in a different view: so that if it would please God to
finish his work in her soul, she could be content, young as she was,
to give up all that were dear below, in hope of receiving them again
in that eternal day. A few days before her disorder seized her, being
asked by a friend, concerning the state of her soul, she said, “she
had a confidence that God would not long with-hold the blessing, that
she soon should know his pardoning love, and, that she was patiently
waiting upon him.” As soon as she was taken ill, (which was on the 10th
of January, 1768,) she was asked how she found her mind? She replied,
“Quite composed, that she believed the Lord had visited her in love,
and that whether it terminated in life, or death, it would be greatly
to her advantage.” During the whole time of her illness not a doubt
seemed to disturb her, nor did she ever lose her stedfast hope, that
if she was taken, the Lord would perfect his work in her soul. She was
also endued with a constant spirit of prayer, and to all around behaved
with the utmost patience and meekness. She seldom complained, and
declared she had not a murmuring thought, tho’ she appeared to suffer
exquisitely; her disorder being a putrid fever, with a sore throat,
which mortified some days before her dissolution: it was likewise
attended with a deafness that encreased gradually, till at last there
was no conversing with her. She was also deprived very early of speech,
which as she retained her senses, rendered her situation very trying,
as well as deprived her friends of that profit and satisfaction, which
might otherwise have been expected. But on Thursday the 14th, (before
the disease had made so great a progress, tho’ even then her speech was
thick, and her hearing dull) she desired the whole family, would come
and pray with her, and to some of her friends made this good confession:
that she had found Christ, that she loved God, knowing that he had
first loved her, that she was now neither afraid nor unwilling to die;
and that she experienced unspeakable, and till now, unknown happiness.
From this time she spoke but little, except about two days afterwards,
when she said to one who desired her to speak to her, that she was
perfectly resigned to the divine will; this she uttered with difficulty,
and could add no more. But tho’ her lips were thus closed to all
below, it was evident, her heart was open to God in prayer, which was
discernable from the frequent lifting up of her hands and eyes with
great devotion; in this posture she sweetly yielded up her spirit on
the 21st instant, at the age of near 17 years.
* * * * *
An EXTRACT from her
JOURNAL.
TUESDAY, January 1st, 1765, when I awoke in the morning, I found my
heart raised in thankfulness to God for his mercies, in bringing me
to the beginning of another year; and found my soul much in the same
frame all the day. *O! may this year be spent more to the glory of my
Almighty Maker and Preserver, than the last has been: and may every
thought, word and work, tend to this glorious end.
Wednesday 2, I found a blessing while dressing, but lost it by giving
way to levity; yet the merciful Lord restored it to me in the evening:
blessed be his name.
Thursday 3. I found my soul in a dead, dull frame, with a great
disinclination to duty, which I did not yield to, and tho’ I found no
immediate blessing, yet I doubt not, but the Lord was pleased with my
endeavours to wait upon him.
Friday 4. I awoke with some degree of comfort, and had my thoughts
stayed on the things of God. I found a desire, while I heard the book
of martyrs read, of being like them; but could not submit to die for
the truth as they did; it seemed too great a trial to flesh and blood:
yet I trust was the Lord to call me to it, he would give me strength to
bear it.
Saturday 5. I spent the morning in writing letters to my dear friends
in Antigua, for whom I find the most tender affection. O! that we may
all at length meet around the throne, and stand at the last day among
the sheep at his right hand!
“O that each in the day
Of his coming, might say,
I have fought my way thro’.
I have finished the work thou didst give me to do.”
Sunday 6. In the morning my thoughts were very wandering and my mind
much discomposed. When I came up, I read and writ my journal, and
spent the rest of the morning comfortably. In the afternoon I read
the experience of Elizabeth West. May I like the bee suck honey out of
every flower, gather profit out of every book I read, every sermon I
hear, and every occurrence in life, let it seem ever so trifling. The
evening text was Isaiah lviii. 1. _Cry aloud and spare not, &c._ The
preacher shewed our transgressions in the most glaring colours, and my
own conscience convicted me that I had done all which he had mentioned,
and more too: so that were I to be tried by works, I could not be saved.
Monday 7. I found my heart raised in thankfulness for the mercies of
the night past. O for a continuance of it! Surely had I always a deep
sense of the innumerable obligations I owe to my Almighty benefactor,
it would keep me from falling into many of those things, which are so
prevalent over me. Lord give me a thankful heart.
Tuesday 8. I awoke in a serious frame, but it did not continue long;
for I yielded too much to wandering thoughts, which robbed me of that
blessing. Lord make me more watchful for the future! In the evening my
uncle preached a funeral sermon, on, _It is appointed unto men once to
die, &c._ Hebrews ix. 27. My soul was very much blest, and stirred up
to seek the Lord, but O how soon do my good resolutions die away. They
are like the morning cloud, and the early dew which passeth away. Lord
strengthen, and confirm them.
Wednesday 9. I found my soul in a very dead frame, and continued so all
the day. I may truly say,
“My drowsy powers why sleep ye so?
Awake my sluggish soul!
Nothing has half thy work to do.
Yet nothing’s half so dull.”
Thou God of love quicken my drooping powers! Stir up and awaken my
insensible soul, and give me to seek thy face with my whole heart! And
O be thou found of me!
Thursday 10. I was very cold and dead all the day, and found neither
power, nor inclination, to pray or read, which I yielded to; and passed
the day without performing either of these duties. O my God, pardon
my sins of omission, as well as those of commission. They are both as
innumerable as the hairs of my head, but thy mercies are still more.
Friday 11. I was very busy this day with setting my things in order,
which were come from London, and being in a hurry, my mind was not
as stayed as I could have wished. O my God, gather in my scattered
thoughts, and let my mind be fixt entire on thee!
Saturday 12. I was enabled, blessed be the Lord, to be serious and
watchful. In the evening, Mr. Rodda preached. His text was Mark xii. 24.
_Thou art not far from the kingdom of God._ I was much blest under the
sermon, and my mind was stayed on what was delivered.
Sunday 13. In the evening, my uncle preached on _Isaiah xxx. 21._
_This is the way, walk ye in it._ I found my thoughts much composed,
but being in great pain, I could not attend, as much as I found myself
inclined to do. O how many hindrances have we while below! Sometimes
from the world, sometimes from the infirmities of the body; and very
often from a corrupt heart! Lord, do thou arm me with thy Spirit’s
might, and enable me to combat and overcome, all the enemies of my
salvation.
Monday 14. Our class met at ten as usual, but my soul was in a very
wandering dead frame, and afterwards I was light and trifling; this is
the natural consequence of the other, if not strove against.
Tuesday 15. I was in a very cold indifferent frame all the day. In
the evening while my uncle catechised us, such a spirit of laughter
came upon us, that we could hardly speak. Lord deliver us from a light,
trifling spirit, as also from an unloving, disputing spirit.
“Mutual love the token be,
Lord, that we belong to thee.”
In the evening my uncle preached on _Hosea xiv. 1, 2._ My soul was
blest especially in singing the last hymn, in which are these sweet
words.
“He’ll never quench the smoking flax,
But raise it to a flame:
The bruised reed he never breaks,
Nor scorns the meanest name.”
Wednesday 16. I arose this morning with some degree of recollection
and stayedness upon my spirit. It partly continued all the day; but in
the evening, yielding to levity, I lost it. Lord, give me power over
a trifling spirit! Give me a continual sense of thy presence! Then I
shall not easily yield to this or any other temptation. I retired and
read the 3d chapter of _Matthew_. Went to prayer, and found enlargement
in it.
Thursday 17. All this day I was in a very disagreeable frame, which
I cannot well describe. I retired, read the psalms, and the 4th of
_Matthew_. O may I like our blessed Lord when tempted, answer the
tempter with the word of God. The text this evening was _Isaiah
liv. 22_. _Look unto me and be ye saved._ My thoughts were very
wandering all the time. O when will my mind be constantly fixed on,
and looking to that glorious object of our faith and love!
Friday 18. My soul was in a cold dead frame, and so it continued all
the day, yea all the week. For tho’ I cannot accuse myself of the
omission of any known duty, yet such a total indifferency I have not
felt for some time. O that God would give me to see the fatal cause,
the accursed thing that keeps my heart from him!
Saturday 19. I was much in the same state, and felt not the least
life in any duty till evening. Then the Lord enabled me to pour out my
complaints into his compassionate bosom, with great enlargement. When
Mrs. _L――――._ met me, I told her my state, she advised me not to let my
deadness discourage me, but still to hold on in the ways of the Lord,
who perhaps might be proving and trying me to see if I would do so
or not. This gave me some comfort, and left me hopes that he would at
length come and visit my soul with his salvation.
Sunday 20. My uncle’s text this evening was _Luke xiii. 3_. _I tell ye
nay, but except ye repent, ye shall all likewise perish._ The word came
with power to my heart. O God, give me grace that I may not prove a
forgetful hearer, but a doer of the word, that so I may be blessed in
my deed.
Monday 21. I found a desire when I awoke to spend the day to the glory
of God, and I made it my earnest prayer to him that he would enable
me to do it. I bless God, that through his grace I was serious, and
found my mind stayed on him in some measure. O that I may always have
a recollected spirit! Thou Lord, hast promised to keep him in perfect
peace whose mind is stayed on thee.
Tuesday 22. My mind was in some measure serious, but not as much as
the day before. The text to-night was _Habakkuk ii. 4_. _The just shall
live by his faith._ My thoughts were much drawn off on account of my
being to set the tune, lest I should forget it. O how easily doth the
enemy get an advantage over me, when I am not standing upon my guard!
Lord, give me a watchful spirit!
Wednesday 23. My soul seemed like a barren wilderness, where nothing
but weeds and thorns grow; nothing but evil did I find in my heart.
O my God, give me thyself; then shall this wilderness become like a
watered garden which thou hast planted.
Thursday 24. I found my mind kept in a serious frame all the day,
blessed be God.
Friday 25. I continued in a serious frame, which I bless God, lasted
all the day. O how much sweeter is it to be in such a state, than to
enjoy all that the world calls pleasure! But indeed it is only they who
term it so. The people of God see there is no pleasure in these foolish
things; for surely nothing can satisfy an immortal soul created for the
enjoyment of God, but God himself.
Saturday 26. I have reason to praise the Lord, that I found my soul
still serious; this I account a great blessing, especially to me, who
am naturally of such a trifling spirit.
Monday 28. When I awoke, my thoughts were still stayed, and I bless God,
I was in a serious frame all the day. O my soul, if thou hadst always
an awful sense of the divine presence, thou wouldest be always serious
and recollected, for it is impossible that a soul which considers God
is present should dare to behave in a trifling manner before his awful
majesty.
Thursday 31. The evening text was _Matthew xi. 28_. _Come unto me
all ye that are heavy laden, &c._ My mind was taken up with observing
a gentleman and lady who were laughing and talking together all the
sermon time. Lord forgive my sin and lay it not to my charge.
Friday _February 1_. My mind was much stayed on the things of God when
I awoke and it continued so all the day.
Saturday 2. My soul was much alive this day, and I was given to see
more clearly than ever, the mystery of iniquity which is in my heart.
O thou who searchest and triest the reins of the children of men, give
me to see more and more of the sinfulness of it, and do thou wash and
cleanse it in the blood of _Jesus_.
Monday 4. This morning we experienced God’s providential care over us;
for the chimney of the little parlour took fire, and might have done
great mischief had it not been discovered in time. Thus the Lord took
care of us ♦where we knew of no danger, and could not take care of
ourselves.
♦ “when” replaced with “where” per Errata
Thursday 7. This day my uncle, and Miss H――――e sat out hastily for
Bristol, ♦where my Aunt B――――ly was in great distress, Mr. B――――ly
having died suddenly, and left her among strangers, with whom she
was quite unacquainted till within three or four weeks. O how many
unforeseen troubles are we liable to, which are all so many calls to
us, to lay up our heart and treasure above.
♦ “were” replaced with “where”
Sunday 10. Mr. Rodda preached on _Matthew iii. 10_. The discourse,
blessed be God, came with power to my soul. O Lord give me the hearing
ear, the seeing eye, and the understanding heart.
Monday 11. This morning being to be taken measure off for our mourning,
we were obliged to go out, which dissipated my thoughts very much. O
what a little serves to draw our minds from God! But alas they are not
so easily drawn off other things; such enemies are we to ourselves.
Tuesday 12. My thoughts were pretty much stayed this day, and I was
enabled to resist a temptation not to go to prayer because the weather
was cold, and I was unwilling to leave the fire.
Wednesday 13. In the evening I read Miss Cooper’s life and letters.
Then we all joyned in prayer. My soul was blest and enlarged in that
duty. When I was in bed, I took a review of my past life, and found
reason to humble myself before God, for my unfaithfulness in not making
a better use of his many mercies to me. But O may I now begin and serve
and love him all my days.
Monday 18, Tuesday 19. My soul was in a serious and yet dead frame
these days. O may I improve every state I am in; and make the very
temptations of the enemy, serve ♦as weapons to fight against him with.
Thus shall I by throwing his darts back upon his own head, force him to
fly from me.
♦ duplicate word “as” removed
Thursday 21. I was in a comfortable frame of spirit this day. In
the evening whilst I was conversing with my sisters and cousins upon
religion, I found my soul greatly blest; and I was much enlarged
afterwards in praying with them, blessed be God.
Sunday 24. I finished writing the life of that excellent man, Mr.
Blackerby; O may I live his life, die his death, and be in the place
where doubtless he now is. There I shall be free from all impurity, all
sorrow, all sin, and be eternally out of the reach of death.
Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday. I was in a serious, tho’ dead frame.
Lord, quicken, strengthen, and comfort me by thy word, and spirit.
*Thursday 28. Was my birth-day. I found a desire, and resolution, to
be more devoted to God the ensuing year, than I was the foregoing. O
may the Lord enable me to perform my resolutions. I also found serious
reflections on the shortness of life, and thankfulness to God, for
sparing me to see fourteen years. O may I let these reflections have
their due weight, and influence on all my conduct for the time to come.
And always consider that
“My life is a dream,
My time as a stream,
Glides swiftly away:
And the fugitive moments for no one will stay.”
Lord, do thou give me _so to number my days, that I may apply my heart
unto wisdom_.
Saturday, March 2. My uncle returned home, and with him my aunt B――――ly,
whom I was much rejoiced to see.
Saturday 9. This evening poor Mrs. L――――, was taken extreamly ill. It
brought many serious reflections to my mind. Well may we say, in the
midst of life we are in death. O may I always consider this and never
yield to levity, or any thing which is displeasing to a God of the
strictest purity, who may strike me dead in a moment; and since I may
die this day, let me spend this and every other as tho’ it were my last.
Sunday 17. At night as I sat by the fire-side, I found my soul blest,
and many serious reflections brought to my mind, which continued till
I went to bed.
Monday 18. I awoke in much the same state, and continued so all the day,
blessed be God.
Tuesday 19. The text this evening was John v. 8. _Wilt thou be made
whole?_ My heart seemed ♦to reply, Yea, Lord, I will if thou wilt: and
of this I need not doubt; for thou art always more ready to give, than
I am to receive. O that thou ♠would’st ever
“Make me willing to receive,
All thy goodness waits to give.”
♦ duplicate word “to” removed
♠ “woud’st” replaced with “would’st”
Saturday 23. My soul was much blest, and my heart raised in
thankfulness for the many mercies I have received at the hands of
my merciful God: at the same time I was humbled under a sense of the
ungrateful returns I have made him.
“When all the mercies of my God
My rising soul surveys,
Why, my cold heart, art thou not lost,
In wonder, love, and praise.”
Sunday 24. Mr. Murry, preached from _Numbers xxiii. 10_. _Let me die
the death of the righteous_, &c. O may I not only die his death, but
also live his life; for indeed ’tis impossible to do the former, unless
we first do the latter.
Saturday 30. Mr. F――――l, in the evening preached on _John xx. 19_.
_Peace be unto you._ Tho’ I was much tempted with drowsiness under the
word, yet some parts of it were greatly blest to me. He afterwards met
the society, and told them, that in several places both in this round,
and others, numbers were convinced and brought to Christ. O may I be
one!
“Into that happy number, Lord,
A weary sinner take,
Jesus, fulfil thy gracious word,
For thy own mercy’s sake.”
Sunday 31. I spent the morning in reading the eight last chapters of
_Romans_, and Mr. _Wesley_’s notes upon them. Indeed I think they are a
most beautiful part of the scripture. O that they and every other part
of that holy book may be written upon my heart.
Sunday, April 7. Was Easter-day. I was prevented from hearing the
sermon by a violent tooth-ach. O how many pains are we subject to while
in this mortal life! But when this mortal shall put on immortality,
what a glorious change shall we undergo? _Lord, let this change pass
upon me, and to that end let me now rise from a death of sin unto a
life of righteousness._
“Thy resurrection’s power impart,
And rise triumphant in my heart.”
Thursday 11. At noon, we had the pleasure of the Rev. Mr. _John
Wesley_’s company to dinner; and in the evening he preached on
_Jeremiah viii. 22_. _Is there no balm in Gilead_, &c. His conversation
was very edifying, and God blest it to my poor soul.
Friday 12. At five in the morning, Mr. _Wesley_ preached on _Psalms
lxxxiv. 1_. _How amiable are thy tabernacles, O Lord of hosts._ At
night we took leave of him, and of my uncle, aunt, and Mrs. L――――.
These at one in the morning set out for _Liverpool_, and he at five
for _Newcastle-upon-Tyne_.
Sunday 14. I found my mind much oppressed with perplexing thoughts
concerning my dear parents. But why, O my soul, dost thou suffer these
anxious cares to oppress thy troubled breast? Is not the God who gave
me these tender parents at liberty to take them from me? And is he not
able to raise me up friends in their room? Besides, this is caring for
the morrow. Is it not time enough to make myself uneasy when the trial
comes, without anticipating what may never be? Then, O my soul, trust
thou in God: for he will be the help of my countenance, and my God.
Saturday 20. I was all this day in a fretful frame, which I too much
yielded to. O God, give me power over this, and every other easily
besetting sin.
Sunday 21. I read a letter of Miss B――――ts to Mr. _Wesley_, concerning
the manner of her bringing up the poor children that she has taken.
In which I could not help observing the power of faith. How has she
surmounted every difficulty that stood in her way. O may I like her
live by faith, till I shall go to live
“Where faith is sweetly lost in sight,
And hope in full supream delight,
And everlasting love.”
Monday 22. Expecting our friends home from _Liverpool_, Miss H――――e,
and I sat up to receive them; about twelve at night they came very
much fatigued. They informed us of a narrow escape they had met with;
the coach they were in was overturned with six people in it, and some
on the outside: yet not one was hurt. Surely the providence of God was
over them for good. I soon got to bed sleepy enough, and when asleep,
I dreamt a very particular dream: *I thought Mrs. L―――― bid my cousin
A――――, and me look out at a window, and we should see an angel, who
would tell us comfortable news. We did, and after some time we saw a
bright star, which grew brighter and brighter, till an angel appeared
exceedingly beautiful and majestic. As he came nearer I was quite
overwhelmed at his presence, and could scarce look at him, his lustre
so dazzled my eyes. When he approached me, I thought I faintly uttered
these words; “Speak, Lord, thy servant heareth.” At this he said, “The
Lord has sent me to tell you, that all your sins are forgiven, and will
never be remembered against you any more, unless you fall again into
sin. He has blotted out your transgressions, and cast them behind his
back.” I immediately said, How can these things be? Can I, who am so
great a sinner, and have never truly repented be forgiven? He answered;
“With God nothing is impossible. Continue waiting upon God in his
appointed way, and you will soon find the truth of these promises:” He
spoke much to me concerning my unbelief, and then suddenly disappeared,
leaving me quite overwhelmed, but much comforted. O that my dream may
be shortly fulfilled.
Saturday 27. I was in a very cold dead frame all the day, and when I
retired to prayer in the evening, I found no life, but still I had the
blessing of waiting upon God, and an earnest desire and panting in my
soul for faith, tho’ I could not utter a word. Lord, let me never rest
till I get this pearl of great price into my possession; then shall I
be truly happy, and not till then.
Sunday, May 5. My uncle met the society, and informed them of his being
to leave them soon. The sorrow that sat on every countenance would have
drawn tears from any ones eyes, who could in the least sympathize with
another’s grief. O Lord what is man! How various, how unforeseen, often
are the changes of this short life! Lord, prepare me for whatever thou
hast in thy wisdom prepared for me.
Monday 6. We were in a great hurry in packing up all the day, and at
night sat up till twelve o’clock. Having a violent cold, I was quite
disordered all the next day, so as not to be able to read or pray, or
do any thing else as I would. O how does this corruptible body press
down the soul! But when it shall escape from this prison of clay, and
wing its way to the mansions of eternal joy; how will it exult in the
glorious change, and rejoice in being delivered from this dungeon which
has so long clogged it with its manifold infirmities!
Thursday 9. In the afternoon we went with Mr. and Mrs. W――――h to the
old castle on the top of the hill, where it seems Lady _Catherine
Parr_, the last wife of King Henry the VIII. was born. Indeed it is a
venerable ruin, and strongly shews what all worldly grandeur must come
to. O that I and all that are near and dear to me, may never desire
such fading transitory enjoyments! But may we seek for and obtain a
house not made with hands, eternal in the heavens.
“_Jerusalem_, the saint’s abode,
Whose founder is the living God.”
Monday 13. I bless God, I found my soul in a very serious frame
this day, having a measure of the spirit of prayer. O may it always
continue! *In the afternoon we took a walk to the mount, which was
thrown up to batter down the old castle on the top of the hill. It
was delightfully pleasant to see all the green fields and the little
lonely houses that stand there. I could have liked to stay there all
the afternoon, the weather was so calm and serene, and all nature
seemed lively and sprightly. O was my soul but illuminated by the Sun
of Righteousness as this earth is by the material sun! How happy, how
unspeakably happy, would it be in the possession of such a blessing!
“If this felicity were mine,
I every other would resign,
With just and holy scorn:
Chearful and blithe my way pursue,
And with the promised land in view,
Singing to God return.”
Tuesday 14. I found my soul in a serious frame all the day long,
blessed be God who kept me so.
Thursday 16. I found my soul alive. My uncle’s text was _God is love_.
_1 John xvi. 4._
Friday 17. I still continued in some measure blest. Lord increase the
spark and let it grow into a flame!
Saturday 18. I was much tempted to levity, which I gave way to. But
while Mr. C――――k was preaching in the evening from these words, _O
Israel thou hast destroyed thyself: but in me is thine help_. Hosea
xiii. 9. My soul was much refreshed, and afterwards I was enabled to
watch against every thing that might deprive me of it, so that I lay
down, and rose with it again the next morning, all thanks be ascribed
to God, for had I been left to myself, I should undoubtedly have lost
it immediately.
Sunday 19. I awoke in the same watchful spirit, and an eager desire for
faith, which I was enabled to pray for with great earnestness.
Monday 20. I yielded so much to levity, that it was with difficulty
I forced myself to duty, and when I did, I was quite cold and dead,
and my thoughts were wandering on some foolish thing or other. O God
deliver me from a trifling spirit.
Tuesday 21. I found myself thoughtful and serious in the morning, but
in the afternoon I was overcome by levity. O how soon am I drawn off
what is good? But how difficult do I find it to prevail with myself
to forsake the evil? For often when the Lord shews me the error of my
ways, though for the present I feel sorrow and regret, yet the next
temptation that offers finds me ready to comply with it; and this
doubtless I should always do, did not God in that moment step in and
hinder me by his restraining grace; such a propensity have I to do that
which grieves my God and wounds my own conscience.
Saturday 25. In the evening I retired, and entering into a strict
self-examination, I found I must own with the royal Psalmist, _my
inward parts are very wickedness_. I saw clearly that I had broken
every commandment, therefore were I to be tried by the law of works
I must eternally perish. I must come with the _Publican_, crying, God
_be merciful to me a sinner_. How truly might I say,
“No good word, or work, or thought,
Have I to buy thy grace,
Mercy I accept unbought,
Thy profer I embrace.”
*Sunday 26. In the afternoon we went to Mrs. _C――――s_ to see the corpse
of her daughter. I was not at all shocked at the sight, but it brought
many serious reflections to my mind. How is she who not many months ago
was in all the bloom and vigour of youth, cut down like a flower! So,
just so, thought I, must I shortly be: I must die, be stretched in a
coffin, and laid in the silent grave, and shortly it will be forgot
even by my nearest and dearest friends, that there was ever such a
person. O may this awful thought never be absent from my mind! How will
it lessen my esteem for all these perishing enjoyments! How will it
make me spend every precious moment, in preparation for a never-ending
eternity! May the Lord grant that when death comes, he may not appear
as a king of terrors, but like a welcome messenger sent to carry me to
my Father’s house.
Sunday June 2. In the evening my uncle preached his farwell sermon
on _Acts xx. 27_. _I have not shunned to declare unto you the whole
counsel of God._ He repeated briefly the doctrine which he had taught
them, and exhorted them to take heed, least the word should rise up in
judgement against them in the last day. O may it not against me! For
alas as yet I have been a barren fig-tree. Well may I say,
“Long have I sat beneath the sound
Of thy salvation Lord,
But still how weak my faith is found,
And knowledge of thy word.”
Lord let it be no longer so with me, but may I now bear fruit to thy
glory.
Tuesday 4. We were called up at half an hour after one, and at a
quarter past two, set out on our journey to _Chester_. When we came
near _Lancaster_, our coachman had like twice to have overturned us.
At seven we breakfasted there, at one dined at _Preston_, and at nine
in the evening reached Mr. _A――――s_ house in _Warrington_. We soon
got to bed truly fatigued, and I slept till six in the morning without
ever waking, or moving out of the posture I lay myself in when I went
to bed. About eight on Wednesday morning, we set out again, and had a
delightful journey the rest of the way to _Chester_, where we arrived
about noon. In the afternoon we took a walk round the walls. You have
here an extensive prospect of a fine open country, far unlike the
barren _Kendal_ mountains. We then walked to the dock, and from thence
to the preaching-house. Mr. _G――――d_ preached on _Matthew ix. 22_.
_Daughter be of good comfort_, &c. I found my soul humbled under a
sense of my own vileness, and fixed a resolution to set out a fresh
in the narrow way of holiness, if the Lord will give me strength; for
without he does, all my resolutions will be in vain.
Sunday 9. Mr. _G――――d_ preached, met the society and spoke to the
children. I found my soul blest. O may it be a lasting blessing, and
not like a guest which tarrieth but a day.
Monday 10. In the afternoon we went to see the infirmary. Everything
is neat and clean about it. I found a thankfulness to God, that he
had kept me from all these disorders that others have. O may my life
be singularly good, as he has been so singularly merciful to me.
I experience mercies that very few others have; which it would be
almost impossible to enumerate. How few have such parents, who from my
earliest days have instructed me how to fear and love God! How many are
tortured with broken limbs, and deprived of their sight, whilst I am
preserved from all these, and kept in health, strength, and the full
exercise of my reason. Many more mercies I am indebted for to my
gracious Benefactor; how truly may I say,
“Not more than others I deserve,
Yet God hath given me more,
For I have food whilst others starve,
Or beg from door to door.”
Thursday 13. In the afternoon I set out with my uncle, aunt, Mrs.
_L――――_, and some other friends, to go to a little village called
_Crislington_, about two miles out of the town, where my uncle was to
preach. We had a very pleasant walk, and went to see the delightfullest,
though oddest contrived garden that I ever saw. The owner of it is the
Rector of that place, but one would think by the manner of his laying
it out, that he had very little else to think of. Some part of it
represents a field of battle, a general’s tent, with cannons all round
it, a mount, a tower, a draw-bridge, and every thing to resemble a camp
of soldiers. The other parts of the garden are laid out in the same
peculiar taste.
Tuesday 18. At private prayers in the morning, I had power to pray
particularly against my besetting sins, and blessed be God, I do
in some measure overcome them. Indeed he is a God, both hearing and
answering prayer. In the afternoon we had a deal of company, and they
being good singers, past away the time very agreeably. Mr. _B――――t_
persuaded my aunt, Mrs. _L――――_, Miss _H――――_ and myself to go to his
class, which we did upon his promising not to speak to us. I like his
manner much, and I think I was profited by it.
Friday 21. In the evening I went to the chapel; there was no preaching,
but a private meeting. Having been much refreshed, especially in the
singing that hymn _Wrestling Jacob_, I had no reason to repent going.
My desires were much enlarged after God, with a hatred to sin. O that
I may indeed forsake it, and hate it as deadly poison!
Sunday 23. In the morning we went to the new chapel. Mr. _H――――_ opened
it, his text was in _2 Chronicles vi. 41_. _Let thy Priests O Lord God,
be cloathed with salvation, and let thy saints rejoice in goodness._
He concluded with saying, that as God had given us a more convenient
place to worship him in, we ought in gratitude to let our lives and
conversations be more exemplary than ever before.
Monday 24, and Tuesday 25. I spent most part of these days in
retirement, my mind was much composed, and my thoughts stayed on the
things of God.
Wednesday 26. This afternoon we came to our own house. I spent the
evening in a little room by myself. I found enlargement in prayer, and
my soul much blest.
Thursday 27. When I retired in the morning to private prayer, I
experienced great power and sweetness in the duty. My mind was kept
in a serious frame, till I went out of my chamber, when I gave way
to fretting. O how many temptations are we liable to! And while we
endeavour to shun one, we often fall into another. When I avoid levity,
I too often fall into fretting. We have need to have the wisdom of the
serpent with the harmlessness of the dove.
Friday 28, and Saturday 29. Were spent comfortably. I had great
sweetness in prayer, and much of the spirit of it.
Sunday 30. I tasted the good word of God in reading the 11th chapter of
the _Hebrews_. O how much did those excellent ones of the earth endure
for their blessed Master, while I who have every means of encouragement
I can desire, (and far more than I deserve) am careless and supine in
working out my own salvation. But since thou hast convinced me of my
error, O Lord, do thou help me to amend it, and let me now turn to thee,
with all my heart and soul.
Tuesday, July 2, and Wednesday 3. Both these days I was ill and in
violent pain. On Thursday morning I endeavoured to look to God, and
was relieved. O how good is he to me, the unworthiest of his creatures.
Lord give me a thankful heart. I was hindered going to preaching all
this week, by reason of a violent cold. But if that was sanctified, I
have need to be thankful, and to bless God for afflicting me.
Saturday 20. Tho’ I was very busy all the morning, my mind was kept in
a serious praying frame. Lord make me truly thankful for this mercy!
Sunday 21. We went to St. _John_’s church. I found my soul blest at
the sacrament, and felt an earnest desire for faith. O may it always
continue! “Lord give me faith;” Be all my cry; and he that gives me the
desire, will fulfil it.
Wednesday 24. In the evening we went down to my aunt _B――――s_, where we
parted with my dear friend Miss _H――――_. I was much concerned at taking
leave, but I comforted myself with the hope of seeing her soon again:
if we should not meet again in this vale of tears, may we meet where
crying, and pain, and death are over.
Tuesday 30. I was in a lukewarm frame all the day, but in the evening
as my uncle and others were speaking their states to one another,
I could scarce help shedding tears, to think I had made so little
use of all the means I enjoy. When I came up to bed, I found a
great earnestness for faith, which I prayed for with something of
a confidence that I should receive, till unbelief stept in: then I
thought I had not repented enough, had not forsaken my sins long enough,
and at last I yielded, rose from my knees, and lost the blessing which
I might have received, had I held on. May I learn more wisdom for the
future, and when I get such a precious moment, improve it, and not so
shamefully yield to the enemy of my soul.
Sunday, August 4. I went to church, and was much blest, particularly at
the sacrament.
Friday 16. We had the pleasure of the Rev. Mr. _John Wesley_’s company
to tea, and in the evening he preached on _2 Corinthians vi. 2_. _Now
is the accepted time: now is the day of salvation._
Sunday 18. In the morning Mr. _Wesley_ preached on _Mark ix. 23_. My
soul was exceedingly blest. He seemed to speak as exactly to my state,
as if I had mentioned it to him. He answered every objection that has
oftentimes occurred to my mind against believing, and then gave me
encouragement to come to Christ, and believe in him. But when I came
home, my mind was much hurried, so that I lost the blessing I had
received. O! how unfaithful have I hitherto been, to the manifold
favours God has bestowed on me! Lord pardon the past, and make me more
faithful for the future.
Monday 19. I was much disordered with a violent cold in my head, and
so I continued all Tuesday and Wednesday, that I scarce could read,
or pray, or do any thing else, as I would have done. But praised be
God, my mind was kept in a sweet composed frame, and I had much of the
spirit of prayer. O the goodness of God to me, the most unworthy of his
creatures! Me, who have so often sinned against him! Lord write the law
of gratitude on my heart! On Wednesday our class met for the first time.
Altho’ it was something of a cross, I experienced the goodness of God.
Wednesday 28. In the evening our class met again: thanks be to God, I
was in a composed frame, and had my mind stayed on him; as indeed it
had been all the day, and all the week.
Thursday 29. In the afternoon we went with Mr. and Mrs. _B――――t_ to
_Eaton_ by water, to see Lord _Grosvenor_’s seat. We had a parcel of
obstinate men in the boat, who knew nothing of the sea, and yet would
have their own way, which rendered what might have been otherwise
pleasant, very disagreeable. The gardens are extremely pleasant, and
far surpass any thing I have ever seen. My mind was fixt on God, while
I was in the boat, and I had such a confidence in him, that I don’t
know I felt fear arise once the whole time.
Sunday, September 1. At church I felt great earnestness for the
blessing.
“Author of faith, to thee I lift
My weary, longing eyes:
O let me now receive that gift,
My soul without it dies.”
Wednesday 4. In the evening I was very cold and dead. O my God, let
me never give way to a lukewarm spirit, for this of all things, I find
hurtful to my soul, and it too often brings on levity, which to me
is slow poison. It does not appear heinous as some other sins do, but
steals upon me unawares. And when I am once down, it is not an easy
matter to rise again. Therefore let me be
“Always standing on my guard,
And watching unto prayer.”
Monday 9. I was much blest this day, and my desires after the blessing
much quickened; thanks be to God. In the evening we went to chapel, Mr.
_M――――_ preached from _Luke vi. 19_. He is but a young preacher, yet
I like him much better than many others, and some parts of the sermon
were blest to me.
Wednesday 11. At night while I was meeting in class, my soul was much
refreshed, and I thought I would not give up that spark, small as it
was, for all the world’s riches. And if the foretaste be so sweet, O
what must the full enjoyment be? Lord as thou hast given me this desire,
O fulfil it! Let me never rest, till I am made a joyful partaker of the
inheritance of the saints in light.
Thursday 12. Blessed be God my soul was much alive this day also, and
I was much quickened under my uncle’s preaching in the evening.
Sunday 15. This morning Mr. _M――――s_ made an exceeding fine discourse
upon _Philippians iii. 7_. _But what things were gain to me, those I
counted loss for_ Christ. My soul was much comforted and encouraged,
while he was inviting sinners to come and taste the sweetness that is
in Christ, and to forsake all those things, which before we counted
gain, in order to partake of those hidden treasures.
Monday 17. I was overcome by a trifling spirit, and also gave way to
wandering thoughts: for which the Lord in mercy gave me to feel much
remorse. While I was at preaching in the evening, He also gave me a
fervent desire to look to that Jesus whom his servant was pointing out
to us from _John iii. 14, 15_. O that I may ever look to him, to heal
the wound which sin has made!
“Stung by the scorpion sin;
My poor expiring soul,”
O that I could add
“The balmy sound drank in,
And was at once made whole.”
I staid at the bands as I could not go home by myself, and my aunt
chose to stay. I experienced that it was good for me to be there, for
my soul was exceedingly blest. Lord make me truly thankful for this,
and all thy other mercies daily conferred upon me, the chief of sinners.
Tuesday, October 1. In the evening I found my soul quickened under
religious conversation, and continued so all Wednesday and Thursday,
having great enlargement in prayer, and free access to the throne;
blessed be God.
Monday 14. My mind was in a serious frame most part of this day. In
the evening we had a comfortable love-feast, at which my soul was much
comforted, and found a great wrestling and agonizing for the blessing.
Saturday 19. I was rather cold all day, but glory be to God, I had
great enlargement in prayer, especially in the evening.
Sunday 20. Mr. _M――――r_ preached on _Matthew v. 22, 26_. _Agree with
thine adversary quickly_, &c. He earnestly exhorted and intreated every
one to agree with God by forsaking their sins and turning to him, lest
he should swear in his wrath, they should not enter into his rest. The
word came with power to my soul, and I felt a resolution never to rest,
till I had made my peace with God. O may the Lord confirm it, or it
will be like the morning cloud.
Monday 21. I arose this morning with an earnest desire, and a
determination by the grace of God to give myself up to him. O may I
never, never rest, till I fully rest in him.
Tuesday 22. My soul was in a serious frame, but in the evening I gave
so much way to an inordinate desire after a foolish thing, that my mind
was quite drawn off from God. When I went to bed, I was greatly humbled,
and ashamed on account of it, and I trust I shall never so yield again
to the enemy of my soul.
Wednesday 30. I was in a very indifferent state all the day, but in
the evening in class-meeting I was much quickened, and stirred up by
a young person’s giving an account, how she found peace the day before
in private prayer. I was, and am still determined by the grace of God
never to rest till I also find him whom my soul desires to love. My
soul continued much blest all the evening, and I dropt asleep with
earnest desires to be brought into that glorious liberty of the sons
of God. Dearest Jesus, how long will it be before thou wilt manifest
thyself to me, as thou dost not unto the world? O come and take up
thine abode in my longing heart, and live and reign in me without a
rival.
Thursday 31. My soul was greatly blest all this day, and my heart much
drawn out after God. I also found enlargement in praying for faith. O
thou Son of God, do thou now impart to me this great and inestimable
blessing, and make me truly happy in thy love. Do thou now arise upon
my poor soul with healing in thy wings, and keep me continually.
Friday, November 1. I still continued in a comfortable frame, finding
a great hunger and thirst for faith. I could truly say from heart-felt
experience,
“Thou hast pronounced the mourner blest,
And lo for thee I ever mourn:
I cannot, no I will not rest,
Till thou my only rest return:
Till thou the Prince of peace appear,
And I receive the Comforter.”
Saturday 2. I found my soul in a very watchful frame, from a great
concern I felt upon my conscience for sin, and the fear I had of
falling into a careless lukewarm spirit again. Lord do thou always
let me retain,
“A spirit still prepared,
And armed with jealous fear,
For ever standing on its guard,
And watching unto prayer.”
Monday 4. I was overcome in some measure by levity, but the gracious
God gave me to feel much remorse for it, and also encouraged me to
trust that he who had shewed me the evils of this, and all other sins,
would pardon them.
Saturday 9. My soul was not so lively to-day, as it was some days ago.
When I retired to prayer, I felt a great backwardness to it, which was
heightened by a consideration of my own unfaithfulness to God. But the
thought was immediately checked by this, if I am unfaithful, will my
keeping from him make me more faithful? No surely: it is the Lord alone
that can impart the blessing of a faithful heart; then I will wait upon
him for it, and he has promised, _Those that ask shall receive_.
Monday 18. I was in a serious praying frame. In the evening Mr.
_M――――_ preached on _John ix. 25_. My soul was exceedingly blest, and
I seemed just ready to lay hold on the blessing. How I lost it, I am
not sensible.
Sunday 24. Mr. _M――――e_ preached in the morning on, _Do all to the
glory of God_. When I came home and retired, I found some liberty in
prayer. O how good is God to me, and how undeserving, how unfaithful a
creature am I? Lord pardon the past, and give me strength for the time
to come.
Tuesday, December 3, and Wednesday 4. I was rather in a cold frame.
O that the Lord would deliver me from a lukewarm spirit! For I find
_that_ an inlet to all wrong tempers, and therefore it must be hurtful
to me, and displeasing to God.
Saturday 7. I was much cast down on account of having yielded to many
wrong tempers the day before. In the evening, I went to preaching
without the least expectation of a blessing; however as I was under the
word, bemoaning my helpless condition, the Lord in a measure comforted
and encouraged me to trust in him. Indeed I am often pained that my
pain is over so soon, and grieved that I can grieve no more!
Sunday 8. In the morning Mr. _M――――_ preached on _Romans i. 17_. _For
the just shall live by faith._ My thoughts were wandering under the
word, and when I came home and retired, I found no life nor liberty in
prayer. O when shall I be enabled to come with boldness to the throne
of grace through _Jesus_ the Mediator of the new covenant, and to call
him, _my Lord and my God_.
Thursday 12. My uncle’s text was _Proverbs xxiii. 23_. During the first
part, my mind was pretty much stayed, but towards the latter end it
was much drawn off by a thing which probably may never happen. O for a
stayed, and composed mind in waiting upon God! Surely it is a great sin
to have the mind wandering upon foolish things, when so immediately in
the presence of God.
Saturday 14. This day, as well as the day before, my body was much
disordered. In the evening when I retired, I was humbled under a sense
of past mercies received, and my own unfaithfulness to God. Sometimes
I am all alive, I am so in earnest, so diligent in the means, and take
such delight in them! Then one thing, or another steps in, is yielded
to, and deprives me of all my life and earnestness. And though I do
not neglect the means, yet how are they hurried over, and how slightly
performed! And indeed I am often glad when they are finished. Lord,
what is man? What am I? What a poor unstable creature! Lord, quicken
me! Make me more alive, more in earnest. Lord make me, and keep me,
what I ought, what I want to be.
Saturday 21. All this week, I have experienced a stayedness of mind,
and a degree of recollection for which I desire to be thankful. But
alas! I do not find that earnestness, that hungering and thirsting
which I did. Lord what is the cause? O remove it whatever it be!
Remove the accursed thing, which separates between thee and my soul.
On Saturday night, the Lord was pleased to shew me the thing which had
quenched that earnestness, and I am not sensible that I have this week
yielded to it. O what a good God is ours! He shewed me my sin: he gave
me to feel remorse for it, and then imparted power to subdue it. Lord
give me a thankful heart.
Sunday 22. This morning I was much affected in reading the 15th verse
of the 4th chapter of the _Hebrews_. _For we have not an high priest
who cannot be touched with the feeling of our infirmities: for he
was in all points tempted like as we are, yet without sin._ O what
comfortable words, especially when the enemy is pouring in floods of
temptation upon us; at such a time how sweet is the meditation upon
such words! How comfortable the reflection that our God knows, and not
only knows but sympathizes with us in all our afflictions, distresses,
and temptations; and will assuredly deliver us out of them! O may this
scripture be ever present with my mind, and may it prove a comfort to
me in trials, while it also hinders me from yielding to my spiritual
enemy, by assuring me that Jesus is ever able and willing to help me.
Wednesday 25. I was impressed with a sense of gratitude to God for
sending his Son into the world, to be born of a pure virgin, and in
a mean manger, and all to rescue me from endless woe. O that my heart
may never for one moment, lose the sense of this great and inestimable
blessing.
*Sunday 29. I was not very well, and stayed at home with my friend Miss
_H――――_ who was in great affliction for the loss of poor, or rather
happy little _Ned H――――_. He died of a scarlet-fever a week ago. O
that I was as safely landed on the happy shore! But alas! I am still
in an evil world, and liable to crosses and temptations: Yea liable to
fall from grace when I get it, and perhaps to be lost for ever? Lord
preserve me, and when I die, O let me die unto thee.
Tuesday 31. The watch-night was to last till half past twelve: but
we came home between ten and eleven. I would not go to bed till near
twelve, spending the time in prayer and meditation. Lord make me truly
thankful for thy mercy, in bringing me to the conclusion of another
year, and grant that I may spend the ensuing year to the glory of thy
blessed name, through Jesus Christ.
Wednesday, January 1. I awoke in a lukewarm state, and though I
endeavoured to pray, yet it was not with that life and fervency I
desired. O how many have been cut off in the last year, and I am yet
upon praying ground! Lord spare me yet another year, and O let it be
spent so, as will shew my gratitude to thee, for this undeserved mercy.
Thursday 2. I was to my great concern overcome by a trifling spirit. O
how is it that I am so soon off my watch, that the enemy so frequently
gets the better! O God give me, I beseech thee for thy Son’s sake, a
recollected, serious, praying spirit.
Friday 3. My soul was in a more recollected frame than the foregoing
day. Lord make me thankful even for this mercy.
Saturday 4. I continued much in the same state as the day before. In
the evening Mr. _R――――s_ preached on _Lamentations iii. 22_. _It is of
the Lord’s mercies that we are not consumed, because his compassions
fail not._ Had it not been for this, Lord where should I and all the
rebellious sons of _Adam_, have been at this day?
*Monday 6. I found my mind in a serious frame, but it is seldom that it
continues. O that God would make me more stable, that I may not be like
the sea continually fluctuating, and driven about with every wind of
temptation: but like the sun which constantly rises and sets at the
appointed times, and never fails to bring a regular succession of day
and night, according to the command of that God who made him, when he
sent him forth with a commission to rule the day, and to be for signs,
and for seasons, for days, and for years.
Tuesday 7. This day I found great enlargement in prayer, which made me
perform that duty with much pleasure: but when my soul is dead, it is
a most burthensome task.
Thursday 9. I went to chapel. Mr. _R――――s_ preached on _Psalms
xxxiv. 14_. _Seek peace and ensue it._ The sermon was tedious, and
I so cold, that I was quite tired under it, and found myself growing
impatient. O how soon am I tired of what is good! The world are not
so soon weary at the play-house, or in the ball-room, as I am in God’s
house, and under his word. Truly the children of this world, are wiser
in their generation, than the children of light.
Friday 10. I was oppressed all this day, with that tormenting passion,
the fear of death, in so much that I had not comfort in any thing. I
was overwhelmed in an instant with such horror and dread, as plainly
told me I was unfit to die; unfit to appear before the awful judge of
quick and dead. O my God, do thou give me the pardon of my sins, and
remove this bondage, (the fear of death) from my conscience! Lord
prepare me, make me meet to see thy face.
Saturday 11. At night Mr. _M――――s_ made an excellent discourse upon the
barren fig-tree. I fear this character belongs to me. O may I at last
bear fruit!
Tuesday 14. This, as well as the three following days, my soul seemed
to be much in earnest, and pressing forward after the blessing; and
altho’ I was much tempted on Friday to anger, yet I found power to
resist it, and also great enlargement in praying for faith. O how
gracious is God! Lord make me truly thankful for thy numberless mercies
bestowed on me, the unworthiest worm thy hands have made! My uncle
preached on _Isaiah xix._ _If ye be willing and obedient, ye shall
eat the good of the land._ He said many people were willing enough to
be saved, but few were willing to be saved in God’s way, which was to
confess and forsake sin, and turn to God, by using all the means which
he has appointed. But I think God has brought me so far, as to make
me truly willing to be saved in his own way; and were it possible to
be saved in sin, I had rather be saved from it. For heaven would be no
heaven to me, while pride, anger, and self-will have possession of my
breast; wherefore Lord, deliver me from the guilt and power of these
things now, and finally deliver me from the in-being of them.
Saturday 18. I still found my desires after God very earnest, and was
much enlarged in wrestling for the blessing, both in private prayer,
and under the word. In the evening, while Mr. _M――――e_ was discoursing
on these words, _Let him that nameth the name of Christ depart from
iniquity_, _2 Timothy ii. 19_. I found much enlargement in private
prayer. In the afternoon I was admitted to meet in band, which I found
blest to me, and trust to find it so constantly, as I shall, if it is
not my own fault.
Monday 20. I did not find my soul so much alive this day, as I did all
last week. O what a changeable creature am I? Never, never, at one stay.
Lord strengthen, settle, and stablish me.
Tuesday 21. Blessed be God, he sought me even when I was straying from
him, and did not suffer me long to continue in a lukewarm state. This
day he gave me back that wrestling spirit which I had lost the day
before. I can say my soul is a thirst for God, even for the living God.
I am willing, yea, Lord, I am desirous, to forsake all my sins, and
to return unto thee. O my God, make me in earnest, and take me for thy
child. Keep me, keep me, gracious Lord, and never let me go.
Wednesday 22. I still found earnest desires, and my soul to be all on
a stretch for God. Lord continue this blessing, till thou impart to
me that which my soul desireth, even thy blessed self. Then shall I be
possessed of all that is desirable in earth or heaven.
*Friday 24. Upon a strict self-examination, I trust, I may say, I
have made some progress in the heavenly journey, within this last
three months; for these reasons, I find more power over sin, even my
besetting sins have not dominion over me. And if thro’ unwatchfulness
I yield to them, my heart is broken on account thereof, and I endeavour
to be more watchful for the future. I find more delight in the
ordinances of God, and a more stayed, composed mind in waiting upon
him; and when wandering thoughts assault me, I find power to resist
them. I have more power to plead the promises in prayer; my desires
are more earnest, and I have a more watchful spirit during the day:
if I deceive myself, the Lord knoweth it is not willingly. I sincerely
desire to be tried, and to know the worst of my state. Lord, search
well if there be any way of wickedness in me, and lead me in the way
everlasting.
Thursday 30. I was rather cold and dead this day. O what is the cause
of this instability? Lord shew it to me for Jesus’s sake, tho’ not for
mine, and make me in earnest. I found my soul something quickened at
night, while my uncle was preaching on these words. _Only believe._
_Mark v. 36._
Friday 31. I was much tempted to fretfulness this morning, but thro’
mercy was restrained from letting it break out into words or actions,
thanks be to God for this; as also that I found a degree of liberty in
prayer.
Monday, February 3. When I awoke this morning, I found an earnest
desire to spend the day to the glory of God. I soon found myself
stripped of all my strength, and a trifling spirit prevailed over me.
Lord, I bring this besetting sin to thee. Thou knowest ’tis my grief,
my burden. Lord give me power over it.
Saturday 8. All this week I have been hindered going to chapel by
reason of a bad cold. And as to the state of my soul, I know not what
to say. Sometimes I have been groaning under my unbelief; sometimes
cold and dead, yet I find a hope left, that I, even I, shall yet
rejoice in the God of my salvation: that I shall find his favour, and
taste an earnest of eternal bliss; _Amen_, Lord Jesus. But Lord make me
in earnest, make me alive to thee. I cannot bear this instability, this
halting between two opinions. Lord, I am convinced thou art God, O then
let me serve thee.
Sunday 9. This morning being hindered attending the public means, I
spent some time in private, and I found the Lord was willing to hear
and answer prayer, for he enlarged my heart in that duty, and enabled
me to pray with life and fervency; blessed be his name.
Sunday 16. This day I found much sweetness and enlargement in private
duty, and my mind was in some measure staid on God. O for an heart
to praise and love him for this, and all his mercies! The rest of the
week I found my soul blest at different times, with a desire to wait
upon God in private: it was profitable to me: which indeed I need never
doubt, seeing he has promised that they that wait upon him shall renew
their strength.
Friday 28. When I awoke this morning, I felt a thankfulness to God
for safely bringing me to see the end of my fifteenth year, and for an
earnest desire to spend the remainder of a short life to his glory. How
time flies? It was but the other day since I was but a little infant,
utterly unable to help myself: in this tender state the Lord provided
me good parents and kind friends, whose constant care it has been,
to train me up for heaven, and to dedicate me to him betimes. Now
I am come to years of reason, should it not be my one endeavour, my
constant aim to glorify God in my body and in my spirit, which are his
by creation and redemption, as also by the early dedication which my
dear parents made of me to him? Should I not from my heart ratify and
confirm by my own act and deed, that which they promised on my behalf?
Lord I am willing, I am truly willing so to do. _Jesus_ Lord lend me
thine aid, and I will devote myself to thee, body, soul, and spirit,
a living sacrifice. Lend me thine aid, and I will take thee for my
prophet, to teach me; my priest to atone for my sins, and my king to
reign over me. Come dear Lord, and take me for thine own? Thine in time,
and thine to eternity.
Monday, March 3. This week I have been confined by a severe cold,
however I have not been remiss in private duties, though I have found
little life in them. A sort of stupidity has overspread my mind, which
has made me unfit for any duty. This I can account for no other way
than by my disorder, which always throws me into this dull frame. O
how this vile body weighs down the soul! How happy are those who are
delivered from it!
Sunday 16. This week as well as the former I have found my heart as
cold, dead, and hard as it was possible; nor even has it been broke or
softened while waiting upon the Lord either in private prayer, or under
the word. On Friday evening at the watch-night, I found my mind very
wandering, but towards the latter end it was more composed, and I
really believe the Lord waited to be gracious to me, but my unbelieving
heart put the blessing away, by thinking I was not worthy! O my God,
when shall I be worthy?
Sunday 23. I found my heart greatly melted in the afternoon while I was
meeting my band, and at some liberty afterwards in private prayer, but
my old companion coldness returned in the evening.
Thursday 27. As we were going to chapel this evening, a parcel of
genteel well-dressed boys set upon us, throwing dirt in such a manner
as almost blinded us, and hallowing and hooting after us. O what enmity
is in the heart of man against every thing that is good even when
children? O how gracious has God been to me, that I have never been
taught to despise and treat any person ill, either on account of any
natural infirmities, or of the religion they profess; but from my
earliest infancy have I been trained up in the nurture and admonition
of the Lord: how will this enhance my condemnation, if I make not a
right use of these privileges!
Friday 28. Being Good-Friday, I spent more time than usual in reading
and prayer, in which duty I found my soul very much blest and enlarged.
Wednesday, April 2. The Rev. Mr. _Wesley_ gave us his company to tea,
and afterwards preached on _Romans viii. 33, 34_. I found my mind very
wandering. The next evening he preached again on _John v. 8, 9_. Jesus
_saith unto him, rise take up thy bed and walk_. I found a blessing
this evening though I sought it not as I ought. O what a good God is
ours!
Friday 4. This day I was very light and trifling; but in the afternoon
the Lord was again pleased to stir me up, by the means of our maid, who
this day found the Lord in communicating with a sick woman. O my God,
what a slow progress do I make? Others find Jesus, but alas! for me, I
find him not. I was also much blest in the evening while Mr. _Wesley_
was preaching on these words, _John xvii. 3_. _This is eternal life_,
&c.
Saturday 5. I set apart this day, in order to seek the Lord by prayer
and meditation; and although I did not find him, so as to enable me
to rejoice in him, as a pardoning God, yet I found him enlarging my
heart in prayer, enabling me to plead his promises, and to cry to him
for mercy, without which I clearly see I am undone for ever. “I give
up every plea beside, Lord I am damned, but Christ has died.” Lord,
thou hast said, I _came not to call the righteous, but sinners to
repentance_. I am then one thou camest to save. O save me for thy
mercy’s sake!
“No need of thee the righteous have,
Thou cam’st the lost to seek and save.”
I found the word very sweet in the evening while Mr. _Wesley_ was
inforcing the words, _Matthew ix. 5_. _Whether is it easier to say,
Thy sins be forgiven thee? Or to say, Arise and walk?_
Sunday 6. This morning I found my desires very earnest for the blessing,
while Mr. _Wesley_ was preaching on _Isaiah xxxv. 8_. _And a highway
shall be there, and a way_, &c. And also afterwards while he was
adminstring the sacrament. In the evening I was again encouraged to
come to the Lord, while Mr. _Wesley_ was inviting us to _come and drink
of the water of life freely_, but still I had not power to accept the
invitation. We afterwards had a comfortable love-feast.
Sunday 13. I arose pretty early and went to the preaching. I afterwards
found great sweetness, in meditating on the love of God to sinners, and
his willingness to receive them upon their sincere repentance, as also
in private prayer.
Wednesday 16. All this day I was very melancholy, which was chiefly
occasioned by recollecting the sorrowful scene I saw that day two-years;
when I had the last sight of those whom I love as my own soul. O how
many unforeseen events have happened in that time! Some of them have
been very trying to me, and made me repent leaving my native land: yet
now I see they were all working together for my good, and I trust I
have no cause to repent, seeing my soul has much prospered since I have
been at this place, whereas I did not gain, but rather lost ground,
while I was in _London_ and _Kendal_. How wisely does God order all
things for the benefit of his poor undeserving creatures: and how
ungrateful are we, not to render him the tribute of an heart and life
devoted to his service!
Friday 18. Mr. _M――――_ kept a watch-night and preached on these
alarming words. _At midnight there was a cry made: Behold the
bridegroom cometh, go ye out to meet him._ _Matthew xxv. 6_. I found
my soul much blest under one of his prayers. O may I have oil in my
lamp when the bridegroom comes that I may not be shut out with the
_foolish virgins_, but enter with the wise into the joy of my Lord.
Sunday 20. This morning Mr. _R――――_ preached on those comfortable words
of our Lord’s _Him that cometh unto me I will in no wise cast out_.
_John vi. 37_. I found myself much encouraged to come to the Lord,
especially when he was inviting the young to come, and close in with
Jesus.
Tuesday 22. This day I found great backwardness to private duty, but
was enabled to break through and found the Lord as good as his word,
_They that wait upon_ him _shall renew their strength_.
Wednesday 23. I found much sweetness and enlargement in private duty
this day, and was in a measure blest, while meeting my class in the
evening. O how good is it to draw nigh to God, and yet how backward
am I so to do!
Friday 25. I found myself much grieved upon account of having given
way to levity. O how prone am I to this evil! Lord, help me against
it, or I fear it will sink me lower than the grave. I spent my evening
comfortably, and I trust profitably in reading the _book of martyrs_.
O what did they go through for the sake of their Lord! While I cannot
take up the least cross without murmuring.
Saturday 26. This day I found great enlargement in praying for my
friends and relations, as also for the whole world, and for my own
poor soul. Lord, help me ever to continue herein.
“Help me to believe, obey;
Help me to repent and love;
Help me to take the blessing given,
Help me quite from hell to heaven.”
Sunday 27. Mr. _M――――s_ preached on _Matthew xi. 20, 30_. _Take my yoke
upon you_, &c. O what would I not give to be enabled so to do! But alas
as yet I am like a bullock unaccustomed to the yoke. O Lord, help me
this day to take thy sweet yoke upon me, and learn of thee, for I am
truly convinced that till then, I shall never find rest to my poor soul.
I have no objections to make, take me as I am, and let me be thine for
ever.
“Take my body, spirit, soul,
Only thou possess the whole.”
Thursday 29. I went to five o’clock preaching. As I went my heart
was raised to God, that he would please to bless his word to my soul;
and indeed Mr. _M――――_ gave a very profitable discourse on _Ephesians
vi. 10_. Lord, help me so to put on the whole armour of God, that I may
be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all to stand.
Wednesday 30. I found my heart much broken on account of sin this
evening in meeting my class. Lord, give me a broken and contrite heart,
for such thou wilt not despise.
Thursday, May 1. Going a little earlier than usual to preaching, I took
out my little bible, and found a peculiar sweetness in reading the lv.
chapter of _Isaiah_.
Friday 2. I found great sweetness in reading and prayer. O for a
watchful spirit to keep it.
Saturday 3. I had a great seriousness and solemnity upon my mind this
morning, which continued all day, (blessed be God.)
Sunday 4. I was much cast down by hearing that my poor papa was in a
bad state of health; but was comforted by this consideration, that if
I made God my father and my friend, nothing but my own unfaithfulness
could ever separate me from him.
Monday 5. I rose this morning with a desire to spend the day to his
glory, and blessed be his name, he did enable me to keep a recollected
spirit, and also to seek him in his appointed ways, in doing which I
found great sweetness.
Wednesday 7. I was disappointed going to preaching, which was a cross
to me at first; but I was so blest while meeting my class, that the
loss was abundantly made up; my heart was softened and melted for my
past offences, and at the same time a comfortable hope sprung up, that
the Lord would have mercy even upon me.
Friday 9, and Saturday 10. I can’t say, that I found my soul so much
blest those two days, as it had been the two preceding. What is the
cause I know not, but whatever it is, I trust the Lord will discover it
to me, and remove it. On Saturday evening I was greatly shocked at the
melancholy account of the death of two of my uncles; and Satan strongly
suggested that my dear Papa would soon follow. This hindered me from
sleeping great part of the night. Every such alarming providence should
loudly sound in our ears, _Be ye also ready, for at such an hour as ye
think not, the Son of man cometh_.
Sunday 11. I broke the matter to my cousin by degrees, thinking it
would shock her to tell it to her at once. But O how her cries and
lamentations pierced my heart! I endeavoured to comfort her, but all
in vain; all her cry was, if she did but know his soul was happy, then
she should be easy. At last she seemed to take some comfort in the
consideration that he had religious friends about him in his illness.
Surely it is a grievous thing to lose a tender parent. O may I not
by my sins, provoke God to lay the same affliction upon me. Alas! it
would be a heavy stroke. I know not how I should bear it; I fear I
should murmur against the hand that inflicted it, unless preserved
therefrom by the restraining grace of God. My mind was now far from
the comfortable frame it was in the last week; it was so confused,
that I could not for one quarter of an hour keep it stayed on God.
But notwithstanding this, I took up my cross, and used private prayer
constantly. Indeed I was often tempted to think, I had better let it
alone, for I was only mocking God by drawing near to him with my lips,
while my heart was far from him. If this was the case it was not with
my desire or approbation. The Lord knoweth, I would have prayed better
if I could. I would fain have my lips, and heart, and life go together
in his service; and therefore since he has put this desire into my
heart, he will graciously pardon what has been amiss, and enable me to
do better for the future.
Thursday 22. This morning I went to my aunt _B――――s_, where I spent
the day very agreeably. In the evening I was much blest, while my uncle
was preaching on _John i. 11, 12_. _He came unto his own, but his own
received him not: but as many as received him, to them gave he power
to become the sons of God._ O would he now himself impart, that I may
become the child of God.
Sunday 25. In the evening Mr. _M――――_ made a sweet Discourse on _Acts
xvi. 30_. _Sirs, what must I do to be saved?_ Indeed I thought I had
power to believe, I found the blessing nigh; but O my faithless heart
drew back and lost the precious pearl. Unbelief again prevailed and
left me helpless, but blessed be God, not a hopeless sinner. I still
have a hope, and I trust it is not the hope of an hypocrite.
Thursday 29. This day I was much beset by wandring thoughts, and to
my grief and shame, yielded but too much to them. How long shall vain
thoughts, which are often the forerunners of vain words, lodge within
me. O for power to resist and overcome!
Saturday 31. I found great power this day over that evil, with which
I have been so much beset, blessed be God.
Sunday, _June 1_. This morning my soul was in a measure blest while
Mr. _R――――s_ was shewing how we had destroyed ourselves, from _Hosea
xiii. 9_. He had not time to shew us where our help lay: but blessed be
God, he has shewed this to me. May I seek for it where it only can be
found. In the evening I was stirred up to ask the blessing, and I trust
with some importunity.
Monday 2. This morning my soul was exceedingly blest while Mrs.
_L――――_ was speaking to me, encouraging me to come, and lay hold of the
blessing, assuring me, that even now the Lord was willing to impart it.
My desires were also very strong in the afternoon; although I was in
company, and the conversation not very edifying; (so gracious was the
Lord to me.)
Tuesday 3. I found my soul exceedingly blest this day, especially in
the evening: such hope and confidence I had that the Lord would reveal
himself that I had no doubt of it, and such a sweet calm was upon my
spirit till I went to bed as I never experienced before. I was also
greatly encouraged by accidentally opening the bible upon these words,
_Then shall we know if we follow on to know the_ Lord. Amen! Let it be
according to thy word, Lord Jesus.
Wednesday 4. I experienced a measure of the same confidence as the
night before. Lord continue it, and also increase it, so that I may
never doubt more.
Thursday 5. I was not altogether in such a sweet frame as the two
preceding days; nevertheless my mind was stayed on God, and my desires
earnest for the blessing, while my uncle was discoursing upon these
words, _Except ye repent, ye shall all likewise perish_. _Luke xiii. 5._
Friday 6. My mind was distracted with wandering thoughts, but the
gracious Lord soon gathered them in again, and I experienced a sweet
calm upon my spirit, and liberty in prayer.
Sunday 8. I went to church expecting the Sacrament, but there being
none, we had a sermon on _Galatians vi. 9_. It was a very pretty
discourse, shewing what well-doing was; but nothing of a change of
heart was mentioned. O, thought I, how many may go thus far, and perish
at last. Lord, let me not be one of this number.
Monday 9. This afternoon we set out for _Eaton_ to see Lord
_Grosvenor_’s gardens; they are the most elegant and pleasant I ever
saw. I do not find the sight of such things to draw my mind from God:
but am rather led to meditate on the vanity of all worldly enjoyments,
and to desire to have substantial pleasures, even those which are at
God’s right-hand. The rest of the week, my mind was in much confusion,
by reason of removing; but still I have found power to be constant in
private duty, and to resist all temptations to the contrary. By thus
doing I was enabled to keep a greater watch over my words, and thoughts,
and to avoid my ♦besetting evil, levity. O Lord, make me truly thankful.
♦ “beseting” replaced with “besetting”
Monday 16. I was much cast down, by receiving a letter from my dear
mamma, containing a melancholy account of the situation of my dear
papa’s health: but in the midst of my anxiety, I found a great
confidence in God: so that most of my uneasiness was upon his account.
Lord, strengthen, comfort, and bless him for Jesus’s sake. The two
following days my mind was much hurried by the confusion the house
has been in; nevertheless I have been constant in private duty, and
have generally found it good to draw nigh to God. O what a God have we
to deal with, and yet I cannot find a heart to love him. Lord, soften
this obdurate heart, and give me an heart to love thee; for this thou
knowest is all my desire.
Tuesday 24. All this week I have been in a very disagreeable frame,
being neither in earnest for my soul, nor quite forgetful of it. I
have been constant in private duties, tho’ I am often fearful that I
am only drawing nigh to God with my lips; but on Saturday, my soul was
much blest under Mr. _R――――_’s preaching: his text was in _Romans viii.
17, 18_. _And if children then heirs_, &c. My desires were exceedingly
earnest to be made a partaker of those glorious privileges of the sons
of God. O Lord, when shall I be one of thy children?
Sunday 29. In the morning Mr. _R――――_’s text was in _Romans viii. 32_.
_He that spared not his own son_, &c. O these encouraging, these heart
reviving words! Why, O my soul art thou so backward to believe the
promises of God? Surely he is not a man, that can deceive thee. O then
believe the record true. Then, and not till then, shalt thou experience
real happiness.
Monday, July 7. All this week my soul has been cold and dead, and
I (to my shame and grief) have been too negligent in private duties.
How truly may it be said the way of sin is down hill? I was hindered
from prayer one day at my usual hour, and almost every day afterwards,
something happened just at that time to keep me from that duty. I
observe that if I neglect it one day, I am sure to do the same for
several days running. Lord, help me to be watchful, seeing my subtle
adversary is ever watching to betray me into sin, either of omission
or commission.
Sunday 13. I found a small degree of life in private prayer, which
was the only duty I was quickened in this day. Lord help me out of
this stupid state! On Thursday evening my uncle preached on _Matthew
xiii. 46_. _Who when he had found one pearl of great price_, &c. O that
the Lord would enable me instantly to part with all, and purchase this
pearl! All this week my soul has been in the same lukewarm state, and
yet generally quickened in private prayer, especially one evening I
had such a discovery of the love of God to sinners, that I was almost
enabled to believe he died for me.
Sunday 20. This morning Mr. _M――――_ gave us a sweet discourse on
_2 Peter i. 4_. _Whereby are given unto us exceeding great promises_,
&c. I found my soul blest under it, and afterwards at the sacrament in
St. _John_’s church, blessed be God.
Monday 21. I was too neglectful of private duty this day, and therefore
’tis no wonder if my soul was dry and barren in other duties. While we
were at preaching in the evening, my dear friend Miss _D――――_ arrived
from _Ireland_. I was much rejoiced to see her, and she seemed to be so
at seeing me. May we all at last meet round our Father’s throne!
Friday 25. In the afternoon we walked to _Crislington_; and went to see
the rector’s garden, who is for ever altering it. After being at great
expence to have it done to his mind, still it does not please him. O
how restless is the mind of man! Ever seeking after rest, he cannot
find it nigh, nor ever will, till he finds it in Jesus.
Friday, August 1. The state of my soul this week has been much as usual.
O that the Lord would stir me up! That he would make me in earnest, and
then I should soon attain the prize. I shall one day perish by the hand
of sin, unless a miracle of mercy interpose. Lord, save or I perish!
Save, or I must inevitably fall a prey to the evil that lies in this
rebellious heart.
Sunday 3. I found myself much encouraged while Mr. _G――――k_ was
describing the rest that remained to those who were seekers after God,
that I might include myself in that number; but I sometimes fear, even
this appellation does not belong to me. Lord, suffer me not to deceive
myself for thy mercy’s sake.
Tuesday 5. My poor heart still continued dead; no life, no power in
drawing near to God. Still my soul is as a barren wilderness. Lord,
water me with the dew of thy grace, then the wilderness will become
a fruitful land, and the desert, springs of water.
Sunday 17. In retirement, both before and after preaching, I found my
soul greatly led out to pray for faith, for myself, and my dear parents,
and a measure of confidence, that God would hear my prayer: but alas
for me, in the afternoon levity again prevailed, and I lost both the
confidence, and power to pray for it.
Sunday 17. Mr. _M――――r_ preached on _Acts xxiv. 16_. _Herein I exercise
myself, to have a conscience void of offence towards God, and towards
man._ On his mentioning his going away, I could not forbear bursting
into tears; I am sure all the people (would they speak the truth
impartially) must acknowledge he has exercised himself to have a
conscience void of offence.
*Wednesday 20. In the evening Mr. _M――――r_ gave us a sweet discourse,
on _Colossians iii. 11_. _But Christ is all, and in all._ My concern at
parting with him, stole away all the benefit I might have reaped from
the sermon. Alas! that I should be so foolish as to look more to the
servant than to his Lord, and think because he is going away, I shall
never more be blest under preaching; as if God could not bless me, as
well by one as another. Lord, I beseech thee, to forgive this sin.
Thursday 21. This morning I arose to hear Mr. _M――――s_ last discourse,
which was very affecting, and drew tears from many eyes. I found much
cause for lamentation, that I had not profited more by him, and a
determined resolution to set out afresh in the strength of divine grace,
that I may not have the same complaint to make, when we part with the
next. Lord, strengthen this resolution.
Sunday 24. I was some part of this day employed in reading Mr.
_Morgan’s crucified Jesus_. O that I could copy after my afflicted,
self-denying Master! He never sought to please himself; but alas for
me, how seldom is it I seek to please any other! Lord, forgive me: let
me learn to deny myself, take up my cross and follow thee.
Thursday 28. In the evening Mr. _J――――_ who is the assistant preached
his first sermon on _1 Corinthians iii. 22_. _All are yours._ I think
him a good preacher; but I cannot yet give up Mr. _M――――_ for any other.
Friday 29. Mr. _G――――d_ preached on _1 Corinthians i. 23_. _We preach
Christ crucified._ It was a good sermon, but I thought so much of Mr.
_M――――_, that I was quite tired because it was not him. Lord forgive me
my too great attachment to the creature, and fix my heart more upon the
Creator.
Sunday 31. This morning Mr. _G――――d_ preached from _Hosea vi. 1_. _Come
let us return to the Lord, &c._ He spoke exactly to the state I seemed
to be in, and I was determined to set this day apart, to examine myself,
and to seek the Lord in good earnest. But as soon as I came home, Satan
prepared something to draw my mind off, and render me unfit for any
duty, whether reading, praying, or any thing else. Lord, make me more
careful for the time to come, that I may not so easily let slip the
things which I have received.
Tuesday, September 2. My soul was in a measure blest in meeting class,
and I found a resolution to set out afresh. Lord, let it not prove
abortive as all others have done, but do thou bring it to good effect
for thy mercy’s sake.
Wednesday 3. I think this day I found more solidity, and not so much
levity of spirit as I did the day before. I also found my soul in a
measure quickened both in private prayer, and in meeting band, for
which undeserved mercies, Lord make me truly thankful, and let me shew
my gratitude by endeavouring to retain, and improve them, that so I may
have more.
Friday 12. In the evening at preaching, I found my soul in a small
degree quickened. Lord, continue even this spark, and blow it into a
flame!
Monday 15. I met our class to renew the tickets; but I missed Mr.
_M――――r_’s lively manner of examining and exhorting each one, according
to their various states.
Sunday 21. I went to the sacrament at St. _John_’s church, but all the
time I was there, I was so beset with a particular temptation, that I
had hard work to keep from yielding to it. In the evening Mr. _J――――n_
preached and met the society; but I sadly missed Mr. _M――――_’s close
and sweet applications and exhortations, which under God were exceeding
profitable to me. This week my poor unstable mind has been much tossed
with vain and wandring thoughts. O when shall my heart and treasure be
laid up in heaven! Then, and not till then, will my mind also be fixed,
stedfastly fixed in that thrice happy place. I have also been dry and
dead in every means, which indeed is no wonder, when foolish thoughts
are given way to; they necessarily damp the work of God in the soul.
Lord, make me more watchful.
Sunday 28. I spent the day comfortably, and found a degree of sweetness
in prayer. O for a thankful heart!
Thursday, October 10. This day being the quarterly meeting, we had
a number of strange preachers in town; and in the evening one Mr.
_S――――t_ preached. He is not a very connected preacher, but one of the
most lively and powerful, that I ever heard. I was more stirred up and
quickened under this sermon, than I have been for months before. There
seemed to be an awful solemnity, resting upon the whole congregation.
Monday 26. In the evening it rained much; but I ventured out, and was
well paid for so doing, by Mr. _M――――_’s discourse upon _1 Corinthians
vi. 11_. _But ye are justified in the name of the_ Lord Jesus.
Sunday, November 2. I went to the sacrament at _Trinity_ church, but
found no particular blessing in that ordinance, or indeed any other; my
mind being much exercised, as it had been great part of the last week,
in which nothing seemed sweet or profitable to me, but private prayer.
Sunday 9. All this week my mind has been much diverted from God, by a
circumstance which befel me, not very pleasing to flesh and blood. Lord,
give me wisdom, grace, and prudence to guide me through the trials
I am liable to meet with here: and O at last receive my poor soul to
the peaceful haven of everlasting rest; where all the storms of this
tumultuous life are over, and all is quietness and assurance for ever!
*Monday 17. Mr. _J――――n_ dined with us this day; I think he is one of
the most agreeable men I know. On Thursday evening my uncle preached
upon _Matthew xx. 32_. _What will ye that I shall do unto you?_ My soul
was more blest under this discourse, than under any since Mr. _S――――t_
preached. In the application, he desired each to ask their own soul,
what is my most prevailing desire? Riches, honour, or pleasure? But my
heart rejected all these, and replied,
“None but Christ to me be given,
None by Christ in earth or heaven.”
Sunday 23. I found my soul much quickened in private duty to-day. O how
good is it to draw nigh to God, and yet how loath am I to do it!
Sunday 30. In reading the scripture, and one of the volumes of the
Library, I found a degree of enlargement, and also in private prayer,
tho’ I had felt a great backwardness to it.
Tuesday, December 2. After I was in bed, my mind was much employed in
meditating on death, and the vanity of all earthly things, occasioned
by hearing that poor Miss _L――――y_ was extreamly ill, whom I had seen
in perfect health the last _Friday_. O may I spend every moment of life
in preparing for a never ending eternity!
Sunday 7. In none of the duties of the day, did I find any life; my
soul was as a barren wilderness unwatered with the dew of heaven. Lord,
how long! When shall I taste and see that the Lord is gracious, by his
giving even to me the knowledge of salvation by the remission of my
sins? Monday evening Mr. _J――――n_ preached on _Matthew ix. 12_. _The
whole have no need of a physician, but they that be sick._ Lord, I am
sick, sick of sin, and truly sick of self. Lord, heal me; be thou my
physician, and I shall need no other.
Sunday 14. Mr. _J――――n_ preached this morning upon _Isaiah lv. 1_.
_Ho, every one that thirsteth_, &c. Lord, I do in some measure thirst.
O give me to drink of this living water! *I was so affected when I came
home at hearing that poor Miss _L――――y_ was not likely to recover, that
I could not read or pray as I desired; but I found many serious, and
I trust profitable reflections. O may this providence be productive of
good to my soul, and to the souls of all her friends and relations, to
whom it will certainly be an affecting stroke, if it does please God
to require her soul at this time. On Monday evening at four o’clock,
it pleased God to take to himself the soul of my dear Miss _L――――y_.
Although I found the affection I had for her in her life-time, as
strong as ever, I could not shed a tear, when I first heard of her
departure: I had such a sight of her in glory, that, instead of wishing
her back, I almost rejoiced at her happy change, and longed for the
hour to come, wherein I also shall be released and carried by the
angels into _Abraham_’s bosom, where I shall be eternally happy in
the enjoyment of his love, who lived and died for me, a poor miserable
sinner. But afterwards I found nature recoil, and had the cruelty to
think, that could a wish restore her to her aged parents, particularly
her poor distracted mother, I should be tempted to do it. But O blessed
be God, nothing, nothing can recall us, when once we are landed on the
happy shore. Lord, grant that whenever death calls me hence, I may be
prepared to meet it. Let the king of terrors be changed into the prince
of peace; let the sting of death be drawn, and O give me a victory over
the now terrible and victorious grave.
*Thursday 18. This day I with my aunt, Mrs. _L――――_, and Miss _H――――_,
were invited to the funeral of Miss _L――――y_: the two former declined
going, but Miss _H――――_ and I accepted the invitation; and with four
other young women, were her bearers. O what an impression did this
solemn scene make on my now thoughtful mind, to see her, whom not three
weeks ago, I had seen in all the bloom and vigour of youth, now cut
down, and her sweet agreeable tabernacle consigned to the silent grave!
Lord, thought I, how soon may this be my case; how soon may I also be
cut down in the morning of my life, and my parents also be lamenting
my untimely end! And am I ready? Can I say with an assured confidence,
_O death, where is thy sting; O grave, where is thy victory?_ Alas,
alas! it is not so with me! The approach of this formidable foe makes
me tremble! O suffer me not to rest in this state, but enable even me
to look with triumph on the mouldering tomb!
Sunday 21. I did not go out in the morning, but spent the day very
comfortably, finding great sweetness in prayer, and much seriousness
and solidity upon my mind all the day. The two following days also my
mind was much busied about the things of eternity, and my own latter
end.
Thursday 25. (Being _Christmas-day_.) In the evening my uncle preached
with much life and power, on _Luke ii. 10_. _Behold I bring you
good tidings of great joy._ The enemy stirred up the mob to make
a disturbance while we were singing the last hymn; but in spite of
them, we concluded singing, and after waiting some minutes they were
dispersed, and we returned home in peace.
*Friday 26. This day and the next my soul was not in so sweet a frame
as a few days before: it might be occasioned partly by a violent cold,
which weighed down my body very much. O happy day when the soul shall
be released from its prison, and freed from its bodily-chain; when
the disembodied spirit shall be received with shouts of joy, into the
paradise of God.
Sunday 28. This morning the family went to the house of God, but a
violent cold confined me at home; however, the Lord was present there
also, for my soul was greatly refreshed in private duty. Indeed all
the day I found great sweetness and comfort in my soul, though my cold
unfitted me for any set waiting upon God.
Wednesday 31. This night I determined to sit up till I had begun
the New-Year, which I accordingly did, spending the time in reading,
meditation, and prayer, and I found it comfortable and profitable to
wait upon God in the stillness of the night. O may the resolutions
which I this night made, be brought to good effect!
Thursday, January 8, 1767. This day blessed be God my soul was much
alive, and my desires and expectations quickened by hearing that Mrs.
_M――――n_, a person in our class had found the peace of God. I found
much attention and sweetness likewise under Mr. _R――――s_ sermon in the
evening.
Saturday 10. Mr. _R――――s_ preached upon _Isaiah xliii. 25, 26_. _I,
even I am he that blotteth out thy transgressions for mine own sake._
My soul was in a waiting, expecting frame. Lord, how long shall it be
e’re thou satisfy my longing heart with thy love, the thing I desire
above all others. I can truly say,
“Of all thou hast in earth, or heaven,
Let love alone be mine.”
Sunday 11. We went to church, had a sermon on _Ecclesiastes ix. 10_. It
was an exceeding pretty discourse, but not a word of Christ in it. The
minister exhorted us to improve our time in works of piety, charity,
and the duty of our respective callings, but never told us how we were
to be enabled to do all these things, presuming, I suppose that his
auditory needed no such information. Towards the latter end he allowed
us a little innocent diversion, and concluded with saying that by a
diligent improvement of our time in all the duties he had recited,
we should recommend ourselves to God, and be accounted worthy to be
admitted into heaven. I found much ♦thankfulness that I was better
instructed. I was at preaching in the following fortnight but twice:
all this time I was sometimes in earnest, then too careless. Lord,
pardon what is past, and O let me for the future give all diligence to
make my calling and election sure.
♦ “thankness” replaced with “thankfulness” per Errata
Sunday 25. I did not go out in the morning, but I spent the time very
comfortably, in reading the blessed word of God; and in the afternoon
I read Mr. _Hervey’s meditations_, which were also exceeding sweet and
profitable.
Sunday, February 1. I went to the sacrament this day at _Trinity_
church. This being the place where the remains of my dear Miss _L――――y_
were deposited, it brought many serious reflections, but they did not
draw me off the duty, in which I was more immediately engaged. For
this week past I have at times found a measure of seriousness and
enlargement in private duty. I scarcely know what state my soul has
been in this fortnight past, not having had time to write. I fear I
am falling into the former Laodicean spirit. Lord Jesus, quicken me;
O save me for thy mercy’s sake.
Saturday 28. This being my birth-day, I would have spent in retirement,
but was prevented; however I spent two hours herein exceeding
comfortably. O may I spend each day and moment in the service of him,
who has so graciously preserved me to this time! Surely it is of the
Lord’s mercies that I have not long since been consumed, because his
tender compassions fail not.
Sunday, March 8. My heart was much drawn towards God this morning,
both before and at church. Friday evening a young stranger who appeared
quite illiterate, agreeably surprised us with a connected sensible and
profitable discourse on, _Behold God is my salvation_. O when shall I
experimentally say these words? Lord, why not now?
Sunday 15. I spent the morning very comfortably in reading the
scripture with Mr. _Wesley_’s notes; in the afternoon Mr. _Hervey_’s
sweet meditations on the starry heavens. I found my soul in a serious
thoughtful frame, till I was discomposed by a trifling incident.
Sunday 29. I found my soul much led out in prayer, even while I was
reading, as I did during the latter end of the last week; blessed be
God for it.
Sunday, April 5. I was greatly distressed at church, and afterwards,
upon account of my sins, and at times was even ready to believe that
the Lord would cast me off for ever. All I could say was,
“Guilty I stand before thy face,
I feel on me thy wrath abide,
’Tis just the sentence should take place,
’Tis just――but O thy son hath died.”
In the evening we had a profitable and lively love-feast, at which my
poor soul found some refreshment. O may it be daily fed with the bread
of life!
“This manna to my soul be given,
Sent from the tree of life in heaven.”
Friday 17. This day being Good-Friday, we went to the sacrament at the
Cathedral, but in no means whether public or private, was my soul blest,
tho’ I found great attention to the sermon preached by Mr. _G――――d_ in
the evening, upon the words with which our once dying, tho’ now ever
living Saviour closed his suffering, painful life! _It is finished._
John xix. 30. Amazing truth!
“’Twere bold to think it true,
If not far bolder still to disbelieve.”
That the author and possessor of life eternal, should himself become a
prey to death! And for whom? For angels? No, when they left their first
and blest estate, it was irretrievably lost. For his friends? No, but
for enemies, for rebels, for vile apostates, for ungrateful sinners!
Well might the apostle cry out, “O the length and breadth, the depth
and height of this stupendous love!” This day was the sad anniversary
on which I parted from the tenderest, best of parents, and took a long,
if not a last farewel of my native land; whether I shall ever see that,
or my dearest parents more, the Lord knoweth.
“But O may we all meet on that peaceful shore,
Where pain, and death, and parting are no more!”
Sunday, May 3. For this fortnight my soul has been in general in a
lifeless, inactive frame; and I have found little blessing in any means,
except private prayer; in this I have been frequently quickened and
refreshed.
Sunday 24. Blessed be God, I found my soul refreshed in private prayer
this day, but I had hard work in the evening to keep my mind stayed on
God, and attentive to the sermon.
Tuesday 26. My soul was very cold and dead all day, but at the class
meeting, I found my desires greatly quickened; especially during the
last prayer. This lasted all the evening; O may it still continue. Lord,
let not my foolish heart rob me of the blessing.
Sunday, June 7. I went to the sacrament this morning at the _Cathedral_,
but found no particular blessing, tho’ my heart was afterwards
refreshed, while waiting upon God in private duties.
Sunday 14. My soul was much blest in private prayer this morning, but
the rest of the day I was so weighed down with drowsiness that I could
scarce read or pray with any satisfaction: however, my mind was in a
serious frame most of the day.
Sunday 21. I went to the sacrament at _Werburgh_’s church, and found my
heart affected with a lively sense of God’s love to my soul in sending
his Son to die for me. O that this his love might stir me up to love
him again, for altho’ he is in himself altogether lovely, yet nothing
but a deep heart-felt conviction that Jesus loved me, and gave himself
for me, can induce us to love him again. But ah! I cannot, cannot love.
“This is my shame, my grief, my hell,
I do not love the bleeding Lamb;
The Lamb that loved my soul so well,
This is my grief, my hell, my shame.”
Sunday 28. In private prayer this morning my soul was greatly blest,
and I found sweet enlargement in praying for the blessing, both for
myself, and for my dearest parents; likewise I found liberty to pray
for all my relations and friends, for the church, and for all the world.
Blessed be the Lord for this undeserved mercy. In the evening I was
stirred up by Mr. _G――――s_ discourse from _Hebrews ii. 3_. _How shall
we escape, if we neglect so great salvation?_ Lord, how shall I escape?
Only by flying to the wounds of Jesus; that is the only city of refuge.
O may I escape thither, as _Lot_ did to _Zoar_, e’er the storm of
divine vengeance be poured on this guilty head.
*Monday, July 6. My mind was much distressed this day by that fear
which love alone casts out, (the fear of death.) What particularly
brought me to reflect upon it at this time, was a dream which Mrs.
_L――――r_ had had concerning me; at first I prayed earnestly that the
Lord would spare my life, being excessively frightened at the thought
of dying: but afterwards I began to consider, what if my request should
be granted in wrath, ♦as when the _Israelites_ prayed for meat? What
would become of me then? Perhaps the Lord sees, if I live I shall
dishonour him; be a scandal to my profession; a reproach to the people
among whom I am; and a grief to my parents. Now if the Lord should
take me from the evil to come, should prevent me from doing, as well
as suffering evil, by taking me to himself, what cause of complaint
should I have? Surely none, nay it would be matter of rejoicing to all
eternity: besides should none of these things happen, but were I sure
of gliding thro’ this world easily and pleasantly; would it not ♠be
better to reach the destined haven, without putting to sea at all; or
at least with a very short, and as yet a pleasant passage! Did any ever
think it was too soon to go to heaven? Surely no. No such complaints
were ever made by one soul that got thither at all. But alas! I am
unwilling to part with life, because I know not where I shall go. O!
“Who can tell me if this strife,
In heaven or hell shall end?”
♦ “as” replaced with “as when” per Errata
♠ “better” replaced with “be better” per Errata
Lord shall my soul be carried by angels into _Abraham_’s bosom, or
hurried by fiends into endless torments! Lord ’tis true, I am a great
sinner; but Jesus is an Almighty Saviour. I entirely renounce all
dependence upon myself.
“This all my hope, and all my plea,
For me the Saviour died.”
Yes, my dearest Jesus thou did’st die for me: then I may be saved. Lord
_I believe; help thou mine unbelief_. In the evening Mr. _H――――n_ gave
an account of the life and death of Mr. _P――――l G――――d_, an eminent and
useful preacher; and then gave out these lines, in which I joined with
my whole heart:
“O may we thus our parting breath,
Into the Saviour’s hand resign:
O Jesus, let me die his death,
And let his latter end be mine.”
We came home twenty minutes before ten, and I fell asleep with the same
serious impressions on my spirit, which also lasted most part of the
next day, and for several days after.
Sunday, August 2. In the evening Mr. _F――――l_ took his leave of us
from these words in _Luke iv. 42_. _And he said I must go and preach
the kingdom of God to other cities also: for therefore am I sent._ The
next evening Mr. _J――――n_ took his, from _Romans viii. 17_. _And if
children, then heirs, heirs of God, and joint heirs with Christ._ He
was exceeding lively. I found concern in parting with them. O may I
profit more by the next!
*Thursday 6. Hearing this day of a very melancholy affair, concerning
a person whom I knew only by sight: I was exceedingly stirred up to
thankfulness, for being so situated, that it was almost impossible the
like should befal me: I am surrounded with tender and careful friends,
who continually watch over me in love: I am blest with parents, who by
words when present with them, and by letters now absent,
“Warn me to shun the world’s delusive snares;
Teach by their lives, and guard me by their prayers.”
And he has inclined my heart to listen to the instructions and advice,
I daily receive from one or another. I went to our private meeting on
Friday, and found my soul blest, and heartily joined in Mr. _B――――_’s
prayer for the poor unhappy creature to suffer the ensuing day. Also I
was greatly stirred up to pray for her, when in private at night.
Saturday 15. About one o’clock my aunt _B――――r_ and little cousins,
arrived in _Chester_; I was extreamly glad to see them. O when will my
dear parents come? Lord, thy time is best, only let me be resigned to
thy will.
“Since none can doubt thy equal love,
Unmeasurably kind,
To thy unerring, gracious will
Be every wish resign’d.”
Sunday 16. The ensuing week I was much indisposed, and did not go out
till the next Saturday sev’night: during this time, my soul was kept
in a calm reliance upon God, tho’ at times I found deadness; which I
partly imputed to my disorder (a severe cold.)
Saturday, September 13. Mr. _P――――n_ going to _Ireland_, gave a very
profitable discourse upon _John xvi. 31_. _Do ye now believe?_ Indeed
this was a very comfortable day to my poor soul; which blessed be the
Lord, was much refreshed in all the means of grace, both at sacrament,
private prayer, and the preaching. This evening Mr. _T――――r_ arrived
in _Chester_. O may his coming amongst us be productive of much good
to this people, and to my poor soul!
Friday 18. This was a fast-day kept to intreat the Lord to revive his
work in this land. Mr. _T――――r_ and my uncle prayed alternately, and
with much power. O that it may be such a fast as the Lord approves
of, and an acceptable day to him. On Saturday evening, Mr. _T――――r_
preached from _John xii. 22_. _Sir, we would see Jesus._ Lord I would
see him too. O may it be now.
Monday 21. Mr. _H――――n_, who had accompanied Lady _M――――_ to town, with
her and her brother, dined with us. She is the most affable lady I have
ever seen, and dresses almost as plain ♦as we do.
♦ duplicate word “as” removed
Sunday, October 4. In the evening my soul was quickened while Mr.
_T――――r_ was preaching on the parable of the dry bones.
*Tuesday, November 17. On this day were united, my uncle _F――――_, and
my truly dear and respected friend Mrs. _M―――― L――――_. With unspeakable
pleasure I embraced her, as a most dear loved relative. With the same
satisfaction she was received by those of my aunts, who reside in this
place, as their sister; and I doubt not will be by those who are now
absent, when they hear the surprising tidings. My heart’s desire and
prayer to God for them is, that they may be long blest with each other;
that this union may be a means of uniting them more closely to the
blessed bridegroom of the church; and that finally, they and we may be
received into the family of heaven, with a _Well-done good and faithful
servants, enter ye into the joy of your Lord_.
Thursday 19. The committing a known sin, threw me into exquisite
distress, so that I hardly dared to go to prayer, and Satan making the
best of his opportunity sorely wounded me; yea, had slain me, had not
the sinner’s friend stept in to rescue me, and given me hope. This hope
was confirmed in meeting my class on Tuesday. Blessed be his name for
this! But still this can’t suffice, unless he give me his dear self
which my soul truly longeth for.
Sunday 29. I spent the day profitable, and comfortably, thanks be to
God. Mr. _T――――r_ preached in the evening on _Isaiah lv. 1_. _Ho, every
one that thirsteth, &c._ O how sweet an invitation to the thirsty soul!
Lord, give me grace to accept it. Thursday evening my uncle preached on
_Mark vii. 24_. _But he could not be hid._ After sermon he informed us
of Mr. _P――――n_’s being taken to rest on Sunday, November 22, who about
two months ago was standing in that pulpit, inviting sinners to come
to Christ in the most earnest manner: he then dined with us, and after
dinner sung a hymn very suitable, (as it has proved) for himself, who
was so soon to enter into the joy of his Lord. It was a funeral hymn,
and begun with these lines,
“Away with our sorrow and fear,
We soon shall recover our home,
The city of saints shall appear,
The day of eternity come.
“From earth we shall quickly remove,
And mount to our native abode,
The house of our Father above:
The palace of angels and God.”
*My mind was much taken up all the evening, and the following day,
with the thought of death; which occasioned many serious reflections.
I think if the Lord would make me meet for glory, I could (young as I
am,) quit the world, and not leave a wish behind: but the Lord’s will
be done!
Thursday, December 10. My uncle gave an exceeding comfortable and
profitable discourse from _Isaiah xl. 1_. _Comfort ye, Comfort ye
my people, saith your God._ My soul was much refreshed, herein God
fulfilled that promise, _Before they call, I will answer_, for I went
without the least expectation of a blessing, and scarcely dared to pray
for one, knowing my great unworthiness. However the Lord met me, and
gave fresh hopes and desires, for which may I bless his name, while I
have breath.
*Sunday 13. In the evening Mr. _C――――k_ preached a sermon on these
awful words, _Revelation vi. 17_. _For the great day of his wrath is
come, and who shall be able to stand?_ Who indeed but those who have
washed their robes, and made them white in the blood of the Lamb, who
have made the judge their friend! These and these only shall stand with
boldness in that day. Lord, shall I be one of that number?
Friday 25. I found a blessing at the Lord’s table, where I solemnly
dedicated myself to him, who gave himself for me. O may it be
unreservedly and irrevocably! Lord, here is my heart; O take and seal
it; seal it for thy courts above.
Sunday 27. Our house being in such confusion, as it has been for some
days past, by reason of the sickness which has been in it, my mind has
not been in that composed sweet frame as I could wish: but one blessing
I have experienced, which is, I have been enabled to exercise patience,
so as not to murmur and fret, tho’ every thing has gone cross with me.
Nay thro’ the mercy of God, I have rejoiced in it: and been thankful
for having an opportunity of chearfully bearing the cross; for all
which I desire to praise my God.
Monday, December 23. In the evening Mr. _T――――r_ made a useful
discourse on _Lamentations iii. 22_. _It is of the Lord’s mercies that
we are not consumed, because his compassions fail not._ He shewed the
many ways whereby we might have been consumed; and the many mercies we
have received from God. When I first went into the chapel, my mind was
exceedingly disturbed by many evil tempers. But in singing this verse,
“From anger set our spirits free,
It worketh not thy righteousness:
In patience let us wait on thee,
And quietly our souls possess:”
The thought cross’d my mind: shall I thus mock God; pray to him to
compose my mind, while I am yielding to these tempers? I resolved to
strive against them: thro’ his strength I overcame them, and found a
blessing tho’ entirely unexpected.
*Friday 29. I was confined to my bed, being much indisposed. O what a
short transition from time to eternity! I thought much of dying, but
felt no fear: not because I was now ready, but I firmly believed the
Lord would cut short his work in righteousness if he called me.
[This illness, after a day or two, much increased, and appeared to be a
putrid fever: but her mind continued stayed upon God. About a fortnight,
after she was taken, she expressed a full confidence in him, being
wholly delivered from the fear of death. A few days after, her speech
and hearing were taken away, by the violence of her distemper. But it
was easy to discern, that her understanding remained, tho’ she could
converse with none but God. Her eyes and hands almost continually
lifted up, shewed her heart was still with him. In her greatest agonies
of pain, there was not the least mark of impatience: till on _January_
the 21st, 1768, about four o’clock in the afternoon, she quietly
resigned her spirit to God.]
An Extract from the JOURNAL of
ELIZABETH HARPER.
To the READER.
1. TO set the doctrine of Christian perfection too high, is the ready
way to drive it out of the world. Let a man only describe it, as
implying a freedom from mistakes and human infirmities; and whoever
knows there is no such freedom in this life, naturally concludes,
“There is no perfection.” Hence we should always carefully guard
against this, by insisting, it is no more and no less, than giving
God all our heart: loving him with all our heart, and our neighbour
as ourselves.
2. This is well consistent with a thousand infirmities, which belong to
every soul while in the body. To place this in the clearest and fullest
light, I have published the following extract from the artless journal
of a plain woman, wrote merely for her own use. I have no doubt, but
God had all her heart. But yet how many were her infirmities! And
these are the more apparent, because she was a person of no uncommon
endowments; one that had just plain, natural understanding, without any
advantage of education, and who wrote down daily just what she felt,
with all possible artlessness and simplicity. The chief of these are,
wandering thoughts (whether natural or preter-natural:) listlessness
in private prayer (I believe, entirely owing to bodily disorder:) hurry
in business (it seems, not apparent to others, though frequently felt
by herself:) want of a steddy, invariable advertence to the presence
of God: speaking too many words, more than were strictly necessary:
speaking through ignorance, a word not strictly true: speaking
sometimes too quick, so as to have the appearance of anger: omission
of things which had better be done. Perhaps one might mention likewise
under this head, such vehement temptations to anger, to impatience, to
fretfulness, to immoderate sorrow, and to follow her own will, that at
divers times she escaped with the skin of her teeth, and scarce knew
whether she escaped or not. So particular a detail of these things,
may be of singular use to those who find the same temptations: and who
may be encouraged hereby, to _hold the beginning of their confidence
stedfast unto the end_.
3. But it may be objected, “If perfection means only that love which
is consistent with all these infirmities, then how does it differ from
what is experienced by every believer?” I answer, 1. Many are delivered
from these infirmities, in a far greater measure than she was. I judge
her to have been a real witness of Christian perfection, but only in a
_low degree_. 2. Whom do you know that experiences even what she did,
that never-failing love of God and man, that uninterrupted calmness of
mind, that invariable meekness, gentleness, humility? That continual
hunger and thirst after righteousness after the entire image of God?
Above all, that absolute, unreserved dependence upon Christ, as the
fountain of every good and perfect gift, of all holiness and happiness?
Does every believer experience this? I will be bold to say, not one
in a thousand. I suppose not one upon earth, unless he has received
another gift, widely different from what he received when he was
justified. At least I know no one in the three kingdoms, who comes up
to this experience, (besides a few in their first love,) unless after
justification he has found a second change wrought in a moment. However,
concerning that circumstance we need not dispute, whether it be wrought
gradually or instantaneously. Only let the change be wrought. Only let
our souls be renewed in the whole image of God. Only let all that mind
be in us, which was also in Christ Jesus: let him reign in our hearts
without a rival; at all times and in all places. Let us be all devoted
to him in soul and in body: and let all our thoughts, and words,
and actions, be continually offered up to God, as holy sacrifices
acceptable to God through Christ.
4. A few more circumstances relating to this amiable woman, may not
be unacceptable to the reader. _Elizabeth_, the daughter of _William_
and _Joan Tuck_, was born at _Penzance_, _December 20, 1734_. She was
brought to _Redruth_, when about four years old, and as she grew up,
lived as other harmless people did. _June 30, 1755_, she was married to
one _Andrew Harper_, a shopkeeper of _Redruth_; and three or four years
after, she became weak and sickly. At the same time she grew distrest
in her mind, which she strove to remove by various ways; but all to
no purpose. In the latter end of the year 1763, a fever brought her to
the brink of eternity. She was greatly afraid to die: and hearing there
were some in the town, who had no fear of death, she intreated her
husband, without delay, to send for one of the preachers. Conversing
with him, she saw the way of conquering the fear of death. She soon
recovered her health, and from that time sought the Lord with her whole
heart, till on _Easter-day_ (having joined the society before) as she
was receiving the Lord’s supper, these words were strongly applied to
her soul, _It is God that justifieth: who is he that condemneth?_ She
went home, called her husband, and said, “Now all my sins are forgiven.
I am not afraid to die now: for I love God, and I know he loves me.”
5. From this time she walked closely with God, and was hearty and
zealous in his cause. There was nothing in her power, which she was not
ready to do for the servants or children of God. She was exceedingly
tempted, after she believed God had cleansed her from inbred sin. Of
this she gives a large account in her journal: but she did not cast
away her confidence. When she saw death approaching, she was not moved,
but calmly looked up to God. She exhorted her husband, and all near her,
not to love the world, or the things of the world. A little after she
said, “_Lord, thou knowest all things: thou knowest that I love thee._
Thou knowest, it hath been my only desire, to please thee: Come, Lord
Jesus! Come, and sanctify me throughout, spirit, soul and body! O come
quickly.” In a little time she cried, “He is come! He is come!” And
presently fell asleep.
* * * * *
An EXTRACT from her
JOURNAL.
AUGUST 8, 1765. After breakfast, as I was at prayer, the Lord broke in
upon my soul. O may he hasten the happy time, when I shall be filled
with his fulness, and assist me to believe to full salvation! O that he
would _make me a clean heart, and renew a right spirit within me_!
Friday 9. Blessed be his name, he has kept me this day, amidst all the
hurry of business. I long to get into the glorious liberty of his dear
children. May the Lord increase my faith, and confirm my hope, for my
dear Redeemer’s sake!
Saturday 10. I was with some who do not hold “sinless perfection,” as
they call it, to be attainable here. Afterwards I found, the talking
about their opinion was not of use to me. It only damped my spirit. May
the Lord of his great goodness lead me _into all truth_!
Sunday 11. We were talking of Christian experience, which is useful
in its place; but I fear, I talked too much. Lord, give me a tender
conscience, “the slightest touch of sin to feel.”
Monday 12. To-day, glory be to his name, I have had power over my
besetting sin. I hope, it will not be long before I have an evidence,
that he has made an end of my inbred sin. May he ever keep me humble,
and fill me with love, _more to be desired than gold, yea, than much
fine gold_. *Afterward I was talking with a Christian friend concerning
this blessing; and we saw, that none can receive it, till they feel
the want of it first, and that then it must be received by simple faith
alone. I said, “Suppose I begin to live now, and believe from this
time?” She said, “That is the right way.” _Lord I do believe: help my
unbelief_, and increase my faith more and more. When I was going to bed,
I found great confidence in the Lord. May he increase it to the perfect
day!
Tuesday 13. Glory be to God, this has been a day of marrow and fat
things to my soul. May he keep me low at his feet, and humble me in
the very dust before his glorious Majesty!
Wednesday 14. I waked with, _Now is the ax laid to the root of the
tree_. May the Lord root up whatever is not of his own planting! Glory
be to his name for what he has done. I have not found any anger rise
in me this day. But I was surprised at private prayer two or three
times, with something striking me between the shoulders as with a dart.
Whatever it is, may the Lord give me power over it, and take it from me
in his own due time.
Thursday 15. I was much distrest for a clearer evidence, and cried to
God, to increase my faith. In reproving a person, I found something
rise as quick as thought. But I looked to the Lord, and it was gone.
Friday 16. Blessed be God, he has shewn me to-day my weakness and
helplessness more than ever. I am amazed to see the greatness of God,
as well as his unbounded love in Christ Jesus, I see, that unless
he save me by free grace, I must perish for ever. This morning I can
believe he has given me the blessing. Glory be to God for ever and ever!
Saturday 17. Blessed be his name, that I desire nothing, but to _know_
Jesus Christ, _and him crucified_; and that I feel, he suffered and
died for _me_. May my heart be ever melted down into the profoundest
humility and self-abasement before his awful Majesty!
Tuesday 20. For two or three days I have been confined to my bed, but
my mind is stayed upon God: and I loath the very appearance of sin; I
would not deceive myself for the world. Lord, give me to try myself by
thy word, weigh myself in the balance of the sanctuary!
Wednesday 21. I told one to-day, “If you die in the state you are in,
you will go to hell.” I spoke it purely for the good of her soul. Yet
the minute I spoke, something shocked me, and I was afraid, it was too
harsh. May the Lord pardon what was amiss in it, and enable me to speak
in a more proper manner for the time to come!
Thursday 22. O what have I felt this day by anger! May the Lord speak
peace anew to my soul, and fill me again with his love, and make an
utter end of sin in me, for Jesus Christ’s sake!
Friday 23. I was greatly tempted with anger this day: but glory be to
God, it did not break out. May the Lord destroy it, root and branch,
for it is the trouble of my soul. May I never be at ease till he roots
up this and every bitter root besides!
Saturday 24. Glory be to God, it is still my desire to be cleansed from
all sin. And is he not able and willing to do it now? May he enable me
to believe, bless me with his love, and keep me ever in it!
Monday 26. Blessed be God, I desire nothing but to be freed from every
thing contrary to his love, and to be wholly dedicated to his service.
This day I strongly cried to God, to be delivered from all sin, and to
have his Spirit witness it to my spirit: and I could plead the promise
for it. And whatever sin he saves me from, may I give him all the glory!
Tuesday 27. Glory be to God, this has been a day of longing desire to
be filled with his full salvation; and I felt more pain for want of
this, than ever I did when under conviction, for want of pardon. I
have felt a very sore heart, to be cleansed from the in-being of sin;
blessed be God for it. I believe, he is able and willing to do this:
I believe, _His will is_ my _sanctification_. O that I may believe
he will do it now! The Lord enable me, to believe it from this time!
And may I watch always, pray without ceasing, and in every thing give
thanks! May my life be one continual looking-up to Jesus the captain of
my salvation!
Wednesday 28. My heart is still sore, because I cannot yet believe,
that the Lord has made an end of in-being sin. But I hope to see the
happy moment, and to have the divine evidence within me. May I be
determined to wrestle for it in mighty prayer, and expect it every
moment!
Friday 30. How shall I praise the Lord, for what he has done for my
soul? O the love of a dear Redeemer to sinful dust and ashes! Praise
the Lord, O my soul, and all that is within me praise his holy name.
Sunday, September 1. Lord, enable me to believe. _Help my unbelief!
Cleanse_ me _from all filthiness of flesh and spirit_, that I may
_perfect holiness in the fear of God_.
Monday 2. Glory be to God, tho’ I am tempted; I do not now find any
thing in me, to side with the temptation. If the Lord has cast out my
enemy, may he keep him out for ever!
*Tuesday 3. Glory be to God, that he has increased my faith.
Temptations assault; but they have no place in me. Yet I was jealous
over myself, lest I spoke too much, with some of our Christian friends.
How careful should we be, particularly among Christians! For then we
are too apt to be most off our guard.
Wednesday 4. I find I am solemnly staid on God: and my one desire is,
to _comprehend the length, and breadth, and depth, and height_ of that
_love which passeth knowledge_. Yet the enemy presses sore at me with
temptations; but I have power from God to stand against them. O how
shall I praise the Lord for his goodness? May silence speak his praise!
Saturday 7. Glory be to God, he does increase my faith. But I have
been much troubled with wandering thoughts. The Lord give me power to
overcome them all, and look every moment to my dear Redeemer!
*Sunday 8. Glory be to God, that we have once more seen thy servant,
Mr. _John Wesley_ in the body. But this morning, being glad to see our
friends, I doubt, I was carried away with over-much joy. May the Lord
keep me on such occasions upon my watch-tower for the time to come!
Monday 9. Blessed be God, I can still believe. Satan thrusts sore at me
with his fiery darts. But they have no point: they cannot enter my soul:
the Lord keeps me in the trying hour.
Thursday 12. I rose with new desires to seek the Lord, and I found him
at the morning preaching. After dinner, some of our neighbours were
talking of one that had wronged them, and I thought it was better I
should be reading my bible. So I withdrew. Glory be to God who gave
me light to see, and power to take the safer path. In the evening some
were pleading for a wilderness-state. I told them, that was not the
Lord’s will concerning us: and I found freedom to tell them what he had
done for my soul. O may he keep me low at his feet, depending upon him
every moment for fresh supplies of grace!
Friday 13. Thanks be to God, I am at peace with God and all men, and
love them all for Christ’s sake. I see, I am myself all weakness: yet
_I can do all things through Christ’s strengthening me_. His mercies
are new unto me every morning. O may he give me a thankful heart!
Sunday 15. I was much tempted with wandering thoughts at church, and to
anger about the children: but, glory be to God, I perceived the enemy
in his first approach, and looked for strength, and received it. May
the Lord give me a watchful, praying spirit, and fill my soul with
humble love!
Monday 16. Was the quarterly meeting, and Mr. _W._ was there. I wanted
to go; but continually another and another business interposed. I was
often tempted to impatience; but I saw the temptation just as it came,
and it fled away. At the love-feast, I stood up to speak: but I had
only spoke two or three words, when Mr. _Furz_ (I suppose not hearing
me) concluded. I was tempted to be displeased; but it took no place,
the Lord giving me strength.
Tuesday 17. What a solemn morning was this! Dear Mr. _W._ preached
his farewel sermon. May the Lord graft it on my heart, and brighten my
evidence more and more. I have had reasonings to-day, whether the work
was done: but glory be to God, I cannot doubt of it. I cannot doubt,
but he has cast out sin. May he keep it out for ever!
*Wednesday 18. I am afraid, lest I should think something of myself.
O may the Lord keep the foot of pride from me! It is of his free mercy
that I am out of hell, and that I am preserved to this hour. And I must
still perish, if he were extreme to mark my misdoings, and if he did
not wash my most holy things in his blood.
Thursday 19. Blessed be God, I have been stayed upon him this day, and
desiring to be filled with all his fulness. O for this spirit of prayer
at all times, and in all places, to _set the Lord always before me_!
Saturday 21. My whole desire, is to have every thought, word and
work, brought into the obedience of Christ, and to have my soul always
ascending to God, wherever I am, and whatever I am about. This evening
he was pleased to brighten my evidence. May he wash and keep me clean
every moment!
Wednesday 25. This has been a day of temptation and trial on every side;
but glory be to God, I could rejoice in the midst of it. May the Lord
always give me to see the difference between sin and temptation!
Thursday 26. I often feel a soreness of heart, as sore as if it had
been cutting. May the Lord give me to know, whether it is from him, or
from any thing I have done amiss! If it is, may he bring it to my mind,
that I may bring it to him and have it done away!
Sunday 29. I have found this a solemn day to my soul: especially at
church in the morning, at the noon preaching, and in the afternoon,
while three of us were conversing together on spiritual things. O may
we meet, where we shall cast our crowns before the Lamb, and praise him
to all eternity!
Monday 30. I know what the soreness of heart means. Truly _I am sick
of love. Come into thy garden, my love, my dove, thou chiefest of
ten thousand!_ O what amazing love, that thou and thy Father should
condescend to dwell with dust and ashes! Thou God of love, make me
truly thankful for all thy benefits!
Thursday, October 3. This morning the body craved rest; but I forced
myself to rise. Indeed, my _delight is in the law of the_ Lord, _and
in his law do I exercise myself day and night_. It was an happy day.
But toward evening I was not so lively. My body sunk under me. And the
enemy of souls is ready at every turn. But, blessed be God, I was more
than conqueror.
Friday 4. I was greatly blessed with the love of God. O how happy is
it, to love him _with all our heart_? Yet in the afternoon, thro’ hurry
of business, I was much tempted to peevishness. But glory be to God, he
saved me from it. Let me die rather than offend him!
Saturday 5. I went to bring home my little child from my
mother-in-law’s. On the road I called to see a neighbour, who asked
for my husband and mother. I said, without thinking, they gave their
service to her. But how was I surprised, as soon as the words were out
of my mouth! I cried to God for pardon, yet continued in heaviness all
the day, and at night was almost afraid to go to sleep. In the morning,
while several of us were at prayer, it pleased God to set me at liberty.
Tuesday 8. I had great freedom in prayer with my friends, before I came
away. I had a solemn sense of God all the way home, admiring his wisdom
and greatness and goodness in all his works. But I am afraid, when I
said, “Put the best cloth on my pillion, not the maid’s,” lest there
should be pride in it. If there was, Lord, take it all away, and save
me from it for the time to come!
Friday 11. I was much out of order in body, yet happy in soul. But
at noon I spoke a word unadvisedly, which afflicted me much. The Lord
pardon me, and give me power to watch over my every thought, and word,
and action!
Saturday 12. This being the fair-day, was a time of much hurry:
but, blessed be God, I was kept in peace. And often I enjoy blessed
communion with God, and can, as it were, grasp my Saviour with earnest
affection. Indeed he is precious to my soul. He is all I desire in
earth or heaven.
Sunday 13. Thinking of going to _Truro_, I cut a piece of oil-case, and
pinned on my bonnet, to keep off the rain. But it came to me soon after,
“Have not you been doing work on the Lord’s-day?” I was affrighted, and
cried to God: and quickly his peace flowed back into my heart.
Tuesday 25. I was assaulted by a strong temptation to lightness. But,
glory be to God, I was not overcome. Afterwards I was roughly accused,
for speaking a word that was not took well. If I sinned therein, may
the Lord humble me for it, and teach me to guard my words. May I live
no longer, but to adorn the gospel of God my Saviour.
Friday 18. I was tempted to set my heart on our garden. But I cried for
help and was delivered. I hope to use both this, and every thing else,
with a single eye to the glory of God. Blessed be God, I have solid,
settled peace; and find my heart enlarged, to promote his glory as far
as lies in my power. May he assist me, and keep me to the end!
Saturday 19. Glory be to God, I see and feel my own weakness more and
more. My soul is greatly drawn out after God, for a larger measure of
grace. O may I be throughly
“Willing to receive,
What thy goodness waits to give!”
Tuesday 22. This has been a day of trial, even from my nearest friend.
But, glory be to God, I have been kept in peace; though without Christ
I cannot stand a moment. I long to be nearer Christ, and to have a more
awful sense of God’s presence in my ♦worldly business. Lord, take away
the spirit of forgetfulness from me, and let me set thee always before
me.
♦ “wordly” replaced with “worldly”
Friday 25. I was waked this morning by the cries of my little child,
who was very ill. I asked the maid to get up, and light the fire. She
was unwilling, and spoke quick. I answered quick, “I wonder you can
lie by the child, and hear him cry so.” Immediately I felt a danger of
anger, and stopped short, glory be to God.
Saturday 26. I kept my bed most part of the day, and was likewise heavy
in spirit, and had hardly any power to pray. But in the evening I was
greatly comforted, in thinking how glorious the change would be, _when
this mortal_ would _put on immortality, and death be swallowed up in
victory_.
Monday 28. My little boy continued exceeding ill: I was quite resigned
concerning him, only desiring it might please God, to ease his pain,
either by life or by death. But I want more patience: I want a more
feeling sense of the sufferings of our Lord, which he endured for _me_,
though he knew no sin. And shall I, who deserve hell, complain of any
thing?
Saturday November 2. My child being very unruly, I had a struggle to
avoid anger in correcting her. May the Lord enable me, to keep my watch
every moment; otherwise I cannot but fall.
Monday 4. This has been a blessed day of communion with God,
particularly in private prayer. And yet I feel sin and Satan always
near. But I find Christ nearer still.
Wednesday 6. Glory be to God, my whole desire is, to know more of
myself, and more of God: to see more of God in every thing, and to be
filled with a deeper awe of his constant presence.
Thursday 7. Blessed be the Lord for patience, under the unkind
treatment of my nearest and dearest friends. I have been this week
much drawn out in prayer, for the souls of all people. But I longed
most of all for the prosperity of _Sion_, and that the Lord might ever
reign supreme in mine own heart.
Tuesday 12. Some part of the day, I was dull and heavy; till I cried to
the Lord, and he quickened me. In the afternoon, when the maid spoke,
I felt lightness flashing on me as quick as lightning. But the Lord
lifted up his standard against it: and it went as quick as it came. May
he keep me from it as from the greatest of sins; for indeed there is no
little sin in the sight of God.
Wednesday 13. This has been a day of strong prayer, and God has
blessed me in a glorious manner. Yet the powers of darkness surrounded
me in private prayer, so that sometimes I was almost afraid. But I
cried to the Lord, and he refreshed my soul; and I could say with dear
confidence, _Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil_.
Monday 18. I spoke a word unawares, which I was afterwards afraid,
was not true. Then it came to me, “Where is your clean heart now?” But
immediately I cried to God, “Lord, give me power to watch over my words,
and always to think before I speak.”
Wednesday 20. Blessed be God, he has kept me this day also, and
refreshed me with the showers of his grace. Yet the enemy questioned my
evidence, and said, it was only justification which I experienced. But
I know him to be a liar from the beginning. Afterwards, in the hurry of
business, he strove to sow peevishness in me: but I begged the Lord to
keep me from it, and he heard me.
Saturday 23. I was heavy in soul, and had many profane words brought
before me. Sometimes also it was suggested, “Thou wilt destroy thyself:”
at other times, “Thou hast committed the unpardonable sin.” The Lord
keep me in the hour of temptation, and from the hour of temptation!
Monday 25. This was a blessed day to my soul. My mind was solemnly
stayed on God. All the clouds were dispersed, and the sun of
righteousness shone upon me again.
Tuesday 26. Our leader not coming, I was desired to lead the band. It
was a cross to me, for fear I should not discharge my duty. But the
Lord gave me a word to speak to each, and power to wrestle for them in
prayer. Yet at night, I had much reasoning, whether I had spoken right;
and then it was suggested, I had done well. The Lord give me power to
flee from pride, in every kind and degree!
Thursday 28. Blessed be God, Christ was exceeding precious to me this
morning. O what love had I for Christ! The Lord fill me with love every
moment!
Saturday 30. I find my short-comings daily, and am amazed at the
goodness of God. I was much distressed this evening, because, ♦I
did not take up my cross, and give thanks after tea, though we had
strangers. The Lord pardon me for it, and make me bolder for the time
to come!
♦ “did” replaced with “I did” per Errata
Tuesday, December 3. Blessed be God, he raised me up to hear his word.
And it was spirit and life to my soul. O what has he done for me, a
sinner? He has saved me from guilt and from in-bred corruption, and has
filled me with love. Now let _patience have its perfect work_!
Wednesday 4. Pride has presented itself to-day: but I looked unto God,
and there was nothing in me to join with it: glory be to his name! I
found great love to my sisters, and to some in particular. Sometimes I
think, whether it is only a natural love: but I am soon assured, I love
them only for Christ’s sake. Indeed my heart is inlarged toward all
mankind; though particularly the people of God. But I want more faith
and patience. I want to be more humble and meek. O may I be all like a
little child!
*Friday 6. I used abstinence; and mourned, that I could not deny myself
more. When I think, what my Lord suffered for _me_, what a little is it,
to suffer the loss of an ordinary meal for him? O may it be _my meat
and drink, to do his_ blessed _will_ on earth, as it is done in heaven!
Saturday 7. I advised with some of my friends, about dressing meat
on Sunday. So I dressed meat to-night for our dinner to-morrow,
according to their advice, and resolved hereafter (whoever was pleased
or displeased) to obey God rather than man. I had afterwards some sharp
words concerning it: but _a soft answer turned away wrath_.
Tuesday 10. We had sharp words again to-day, but, glory be to God, I
had patience. I did not make any reply, and found nothing but love in
my heart. May God give me the whole mind which was in my blessed Lord!
Thursday 12. Amidst the troubles and trials of the ungodly, I had the
refreshing springs of my Lord’s love and grace. At night I was dull
and sleepy before family-prayer: but then the Lord quickened my soul.
I have been begging of him to-day more faith, more watchfulness, more
humility: more understanding in his word, more knowledge of Satan’s
devices, and power to shun them at the first approach. And O may he
wash my best performances in his precious blood! May I still take great
delight in the law of the Lord, and _keep his commandments with my
whole heart_!
*Sunday 15. After I went to bed, I was much distrest, for cutting a
ribband to wear. I was never till now convinced, that it was prophaning
the Lord’s-day: blessed be God for convincing now! O what trouble was
I in for a quarter of an hour! But I cried to God, and he rose on my
soul again. May he abide therein, till time shall commence a glorious
eternity!
Tuesday 17. I had a difficult talk in the evening, being obliged to
lead the band. O how insufficient am I for such a work! I did not think
it was so great a thing before. The Lord pardon whatever I said amiss.
There seemed to be a cloud over us in prayer. If the cause was in _me_,
the Lord reveal it, and take it away, for Christ’s sake!
Sunday 22. The enemy presented pride to me: but, blessed be God, I
looked to him, and it fled away. I hope, he will never be able any
more to sow this seed in my heart.
Monday 23. Glory be to God, I have found more love to my dear Saviour
to-day than ever I did. O what hungering and thirsting did I feel, to
do his will, as it is done in heaven?
Wednesday 25. This has been a blessed day to my soul; though I was
grieved for the sloth of some of our family, who would not rise to the
early preaching. The Lord stir them up to redouble their diligence. The
enemy accused me to-day, of going with too much boldness to the Lord’s
table. But I know it is only free grace that has enabled me so to do.
Friday 27. This has been a day of trial: but blessed be God, I was
kept in perfect peace. Yet I could not but feel heaviness for my dear
friends, to think of their precious, never-dying souls. The Lord give
me a tender concern for them, and enable me to pray for them, and never
cease.
*Tuesday 31. I spoke an improper word, which threw me into great
heaviness. But I cried to God, “Lord, thou knowest, I would not offend
thee willingly: I would sooner put my hand in the fire.” And he was
graciously pleased to bless me that instant. But I saw, while I was at
prayer, that I had been talking about religion in too light a manner.
The Lord pardon me, and give more awe and reverence, for the time to
come!
Wednesday, January 1, 1766. I found an increase of love to God and his
people. In the evening the power of God was upon the congregation, in
a glorious manner. We _sat under the droppings of his sanctuary_, and
rejoiced in him with joy unspeakable.
Thursday 2. Glory be to God, my heart was inlarged, to love him with
every faculty of my soul, with most ardent love to the children of God,
and tender affection to all men.
Tuesday 7. My dear _M――――_ raged against me much. Lord lay not the sin
to her charge! And say to the enemy, “Hitherto shalt thou go, and no
farther.” I am much out of order in body, and do not find my spirit
so lively as it was; perhaps through bodily weakness. But I can still
rejoice in God, and love him with all my heart.
Thursday 9. I was tempted to peevishness this morning; but I prayed,
and it found no place in me. I had likewise thoughts about my husband,
because he did not come home so soon as I expected. But I looked to the
Lord, and was resigned to whatever he would please to lay upon me.
Saturday 11. This has been a day of sore temptation: yet mine enemy
gained no advantage over me. But I want to bear the cross more
chearfully; for to-day I wept under it: though it was only, to think
one who professed religion, should act so contrary to it.
Sunday 12. The enemy was let loose ♦upon me inwardly, as well as
outwardly. He suggested, “What will become of thee? Thou wilt make an
end of thyself, and be cast away at last.” I had scarce power to look
to God, and thought it did not signify to strive any more. But, before
I slept, he returned and healed my soul. May he give more liberty, love
and power!
♦ “npon” replaced with “upon”
Saturday 18. I have been much out of order for several days, and have
not rose to the morning preaching. If there is any sloth in me, the
Lord give me to see it; I am not sensible of it. And I hope the Lord
accepts of the will, as the power is taken from me. In the evening, my
brother-in-law being with us, and my husband being unwilling to pray,
I delayed praying till my brother was gone to bed. But it came to me
afterward, “_Who art thou that thou art afraid of a man that shall
die?_” The Lord pardon me for it. I hope whether my husband prays or no,
I shall not omit it for the time to come.
Monday 27. Glory be to God for his unbounded mercies to such a rebel as
me! What blessings has he given me this day? How happy have I been in
his love? May he _keep the door of my mouth_, that I may never more
speak unadvisedly with my lips! And above all, may he keep my heart,
that I may no more _reason_ against him.
Wednesday 29. Blessed be God, Christ has been exceeding precious to me
to-day. O how my heart was enlarged to poor souls! If I could have my
liberty, I would spend all the time in the service of God, and have
nothing to do with the world. Yet I see my own helplessness more and
more, and that it is of pure love I am out of hell.
Friday 31. To-day I had a solemn sense of God, while I was in my
business, and had much watchfulness over my words, saying continually
in my heart, “_The_ Lord _sees me_!” Glory be to his name!
Monday, February 3. Glory be to God this has been a solemn day to my
soul. In the evening my poor M―――― raged greatly: but I was enabled to
stand in the hour of trial.
Sunday 9. Blessed be God, my evidence was as clear as the shining of
the sun. Yet in the evening I was much tempted by the enemy, causing
many wicked oaths to pass before my mind. But in the midst of all I
could rejoice in God, knowing in whom I had believed.
Monday 10. Blessed be God, I desire nothing, but to drink deeper and
deeper of his spirit. I see my evidence clear; but I see more and more
of my own weakness, and long to live more to his glory. I am jealous
over myself, because I do not rise in the morning as I used to do.
Surely it is not because I shun the cross: for I do love him with all
my whole heart. May he deepen his work of grace in my soul, and stamp
his whole image upon my heart!
Friday 21. Two men coming in, one of whom was in drink, as we were
going to drink tea, I thought it would be more form than devotion, to
ask a blessing openly. So I shunned the cross. But I suffered for it
afterward. The Lord be praised, that he did not enter into judgment
with me, but gave me time to draw near him through the Son of his love.
May he make me more fruitful for the future.
Saturday 22. I was twice tempted to-day to anger in the shape of zeal.
But I saw the snare, blessed be God, and fled from it. In the evening
I was much distressed with wandrings in the public service: all which
I believe, proceeded from my omission yesterday. The Lord help me to
watch and pray more, lest I enter into temptation!
Monday 25. At the love feast, I was in pain most of the time, longing
to break through: and yet I could not declare what God had done for my
soul. The Lord pardon me for my omission! I believe he is deepening his
work in me. He does _sit upon_ me _as a refiner’s fire_.
Thursday 27. Glory be to God, he discovers more and more of his love,
to me the unworthiest of his creatures. Yet, I doubt, I was not so
watchful as I ought, some part of this day. And I fear, I lay in bed
too long this morning. The Lord help me to use more violence to myself!
Monday, March 3. Glory be to God, I enjoy perfect peace amidst the
storms of an ungrateful world. In trials from the world, and trials
from them of my own houshold, he is my strong hold, to which I always
resort. Yet I find the company of the world a great burden, when I am
obliged to be with them in my business. I want power to reprove them
more. The Lord help me in this also!
Thursday 6. Glory be to God I am amazed when I think of his goodness
and my unworthiness. How did he bless me this evening at the room?
I found I was all light in the Lord. How pure has he made my heart
through faith! It is all of grace, free grace. This was a day of trial:
but, blessed be God it was no trial to _me_, because the Lord took off
the burden. Only I was concerned for their souls. Lord, save them, for
thy dear name sake!
Monday 10. Glory be to God for the blessings of this day. O how did
he bless me this evening? I wept to see the goodness of God in Christ
Jesus toward me and all poor sinners. I find indeed a busy foe. But his
grace is sufficient for me. I have my evidence still clear. The Lord
give me to pray always: make me thankful, keep me humble, and keep me
to the end!
Thursday 13. I was attacked with a light spirit to-day, which I dread
and abhor. And all the company was assaulted with it at the same time:
but the Lord sent us help in the time of need.
Friday 21. I rose to the preaching this morning, though my body
complained. Still, in the midst of trials, my desire is, to know more
of God and to live nearer to him. I had peace all this day, and power
to look to God, in all the hurry of my business. Glory be to his holy
name, for all is blessings, temporal and spiritual.
Sunday 23. I was much grieved at church, to hear people mocking God,
by saying what they do not believe, and what they will flatly deny, as
soon as they are out of church. It made me doubt, whether I ought to go
to church or not? But I considered, I am not to look to them: I am to
look to God only.
Monday 31. Blessed be God, that I am out of hell, that I have hope of
seeing him in glory, and that he gives me now to commune with him, even
as a man with his friend. Yet I want to be more watchful over my words.
I believe it is my privilege to speak no more words than are necessary,
and to the glory of God. The Lord pardon me for speaking amiss to-day,
and keep me every moment watching unto prayer!
Tuesday, April 1. This has been a day of blessed humiliation to my
soul, on account of my past life. I stand amazed at the goodness of God
toward me. Blessed be his name, for giving me this evenness of mind.
But I have need, to come out of myself more, and to rely more on Christ:
the Lord increase my faith, and enable me so to do!
Friday 11. Blessed be God, for the peace I still enjoy amidst a world
of business: But I want to sink down continually into the depths of
humble love. I have not to-day so much comfort as I often enjoy. But
I can rely upon my God: and I can appeal to him, it is my one care, to
please him in all things.
Sunday 13. Glory be to God, for a peace that passeth all understanding.
But I have not felt so much of his quickning power to-day as in
time past. I have examined myself, and besought the Lord to shew me,
if there was any evil in me. I do not find any; and it came to me,
_Stand still, and see the salvation of God_. I have a solid peace: and
though I have not so much liveliness in duty as usual, yet I find more
watchfulness over my words and actions. But still how short am I of
what I would be?
Sunday 20. Blessed be God, for giving me a resigned will, in the
hour of trial. It has been expected these three days, that every
moment would be the last with my dear little boy. Yet he keeps my
mind in perfect peace. But the enemy is very busy, accusing me of
hard-heartedness, for not weeping more. However, I am kept in the fire
and in the water. And the Lord prepare me for whatever I have to go
through!
*Friday 25. I am at present much fatigued in body, and very low in
spirits. The Lord was pleased to take my dear little _George_ to
himself on Wednesday morning. He supported me in a wonderful manner:
but I have found the trial nearer to-day than ever. The Lord grant I
may not grieve his holy Spirit! And whatever thy purer eyes have seen
amiss in me already, cover with the mantle of forgiving love! May we
humble ourselves under thy mighty hand! May it be a means of pressing
us closer to thee! And may we follow on, to meet our dear infants, in
the upper and better world!
Saturday 26. Glory be to God, that I am still on praying ground. His
grace is still sufficient for me, though I find a trying world, and a
tempting enemy: sometimes I feel my child very near. The Lord pardon me,
if it is wrong! Give me more of the life and power of God in my soul,
and keep me from a dead form of religion!
Sunday 27. Since last night, I have been in heaviness through
temptations against my husband. O Lord, be pleased to disperse the
cloud and shine on thy own work! Besides, we have been exposed to-day,
to the company of carnal friends. Lord, pardon our backwardness in
reproving, and give us more courage for God, and make us thankful, that
he hath made us to differ and give me more of that fire of love in my
heart!
Tuesday 29. Glory be to God, he returned to his temple this evening.
The meeting of the bands was a blessed means of grace to me. When
our brethren and sisters spoke of the goodness of God, it was spirit
and life to my soul. Yet I was myself backward to speak, and when I
attempted it, was seized with trembling all over. But at last, blessed
be God, he opened my mouth, and then all my burden dropt off. Lord,
help me always to tell of thy goodness, and keep me in thy laws, till
grace end in glory!
*Thursday, May 1. I have kept my bed most of the day, being in much
pain. O how unfit are we at such a time, for so great a work as working
out our salvation! Let none postpone their repentance to a sick-bed:
it is work enough then, to struggle with sickness and pain. But how
pleasant is a sick-bed, when perfumed with the love of God, and when
we have a precious Christ in our bosom? Come life, come death, with my
dear Jesus, and life or death is sweet.
Tuesday 6. Lord, I beg this one thing at thy hand, the salvation of
my dear mother! She is now under thy afflicting hand. Be pleased to
sanctify her affliction: and let it be to the saving of her soul, for
thy dear Son’s sake.
Wednesday 14. Glory be to God, he has given me to-day a sight of myself
and of my numberless infirmities. But he has not been extreme to mark
what was done amiss: blessed be his name for Jesus Christ! O that I may
have more of the mind that was in him, more of a meek, quiet, teachable
spirit. May I now begin! May I now set out with double diligence! May I
run, and not be weary; walk, and not faint!
Friday 16. I had reasoning about going to church, whether it was
_necessary_ to go so often? But when I brought it to the word of God,
I saw, after we have done all, we are unprofitable servants. Lord let
me resist him stedfast in the faith.
Thursday 22. Yesterday I was troubled concerning one of our brethren;
but resolved to tell no one what I heard, unless himself or his wife.
This afternoon they came to my house, and I told them all I had heard.
They told me just how the thing was, and I found it was a meer mistake.
So Satan was disappointed of his aim, and our love to each other
confirmed.
Sunday 25. Hearing of the distress of some of my neighbours, my heart
overflowed with thankfulness, to think God had provided me and mine
with temporal blessings also. His care was over me in my youth likewise,
not leaving me to my own choice. But I praise him above all, for his
pardoning love, and for full redemption through the blood of Jesus.
Thursday 29. Glory be to God, I found an unspeakable blessing at the
morning preaching, and again in private prayer; but above all, at the
meeting of the select society. And, I think, so did every one present.
I was at first unwilling to speak; but I knew, not to speak would be
grieving the Spirit of God. So I broke through, as did several others:
and we were all so filled with consolation, that we could only say,
“Enlarge our heart, to make thee room.”
Thursday, June 5. Glory be to God, that he hath given me a thankful
heart, for his love toward me even in my early days! How did his kind
hand preserve me, when I did not know him? How did it carry me through
the heedless steps of youth, keep me from the malice and intrigues
of all my enemies, and at last bring me to his dear self, and to the
knowledge of his love! And though the storms now rise high, yet blessed
be his name, all is calm within. Lord, be pleased to have pity upon
Satan’s instruments, and save their dear souls. I find nothing rises
in my heart against them: but I am constrained to mourn for them:
especially for those who have known God, and do not live to his glory.
Tuesday 10. I find it a heavy burden to be in the company even of
those that are called civil people. But as I am called to take up this
cross, may the Lord enable me to bear it. Lord, let me rely wholly on
thee. I feel thou art all in all! Thou art my strength, as well as my
righteousness. Without thee I can do nothing.
Tuesday 17. I did not enjoy so large a measure of love as I have
sometimes done. What is the reason I know not: the Lord pardon me for
it, and give me to see that all my doings are as filthy rags in the
sight of a pure God: and that I want the precious blood of my Redeemer
to interpose for me every moment. I feel the same want of him that ever
I did: I believe I am written on the palms of his hands. But still I
want more of the life and power of religion: I am hungry and thirsty
after this.
Wednesday 18. I was tempted this morning to resentment: but, glory be
to God, it could not enter. Lord, search me and prove me, empty me of
myself and fill me all with God. For ever wash, and keep me clean, and
let Christ be all in all.
Wednesday 25. I found indifference about going to church. I begged of
the Lord to direct me, and immediately the reasonings disappeared. In
the afternoon I poured out my soul before him, and prayed till I could
scarce speak. I long for a closer communion with God, and for more
wisdom and understanding in his ways.
Tuesday, July 8. Glory be to God, I am still the monument of his free
mercy. Amidst a world of business and hurry, I still enjoy peace, and
commune with God, as a man with his friend. I have not so much joy
as in time past; but my faith is strong, and I enjoy a calm peace.
And when temptation comes as a flood, his spirit lifts up a standard
against it. Meeting in band at night, I was quite stript, and felt
my nothingness. Glory be to God, that I am out of hell, because his
compassions fail not.
*Tuesday 22. Glory be to God, I am still assured that the Lord has
given me a clean heart, and renewed a right spirit within me; and I
can have no doubt of it, though I am not so overflowed with joy in the
means of grace as I have been. But I have a calmness and power which I
never had in so great degree, in the midst of the closest trials. Only
I am grieved for sinners, and pray that the Lord would pluck them as
brands out of the burning.
Friday 25. This evening I have been at the interment of an acquaintance.
What nothings we are, and how soon turned to our mother earth? Should
not this thought cause us to live in love and peace with all men? And
to live as expecting the messenger of death every moment?
Saturday, August 2. I have been for several days much disordered in
body. In my illness I had hardly power to pray, or to do any thing. O
may I prize health more, and make full use of it, when the Lord sends
it. Glory be to God, I had no fear of death, and no anxious care for my
children. I only wanted more power to praise God. And will he not give
that and all things? _O cleanse me from my secret faults!_ And let no
sin ever more prevail over me!
*Wednesday 6. Blessed be thy name, I do not find any thing within to
close with temptations. Yesterday anger presented as quick as thought;
but it found no entrance. Yet shame covered me, for fear any that were
present might discern the appearance of it. And I begged the Lord to
shew me, if there was any evil root left? As far as I know myself, I
do not find there is: I do firmly believe, he hath purified me from all
sin. But I am big with the desire of living nearer God: O how dear was
he to me this night? Thou art altogether lovely: thou art fairer than
the sons of men.
Thursday 14. Glory be to God, there has been a cry in my dear mother’s
soul all this day. Lord, increase it! Thou hast set her sins in array
before her. May she never rest till she rests in thee!
Friday 22. I went three or four miles this evening to the preaching: My
mind was solemnly stayed on God; but I was not very lively: my husband
being talking most of the way about worldly affairs. O Lord, direct him
in all his ways, and let nothing hurt his precious soul.
Saturday 30. I have been much disordered in body all this day; but,
glory be to God, have enjoyed calmness of spirit. Yet I have been
grieved to see some of my family, so busy about the world, and so
little concerned for their poor souls, but trifling away their precious
moments. Lord, let me redeem the time! Let me never rest in any thing
I have attained: but still press on, till I know all that love of God
that passeth knowledge!
Thursday September 4. Blessed be God for the comfort I had in hearing
dear Mr. _W._ at _Penryn_. I was tempted to impatience, both in the
morning, when my husband stayed long before he set out: and at noon,
when I was disappointed of being in Mr. _W._’s company. But I looked
up, and felt nothing but calmness and quietness of spirit.
Tuesday 9. I waked between four and five, with praises in my mouth.
Glory be to God, I find an inlarged heart, to run the ways of the Lord
with great delight. His love is sweeter than honey to my taste, and my
will is swallowed up in his.
Sunday 14. A cold almost disabled me from speaking, which gave me to
see the great blessing of speech. Lord, help me to use it more to thy
glory! This afternoon, blessed be God, we had the happiness of having
dear Mr. _W._’s company. Lord imprint his exhortations deep on my
heart! And may all the words he delivered be watered with the dew of
thy heavenly grace!
Tuesday 16. Glory be to God, he has kept me in the hour of strong
temptation. The enemy bears me a tyrannous hatred, and stirs up my
bosom friends against me. Lord, thou knowest they lay to my charge
things I know not. But thou art to me a place of broad rivers. And
_these light afflictions will work out for_ me _an eternal weight of
glory_.
Wednesday, October 1. Blessed be God, he keeps me in trials from those
who are nearest and dearest to me. What a powerful energy has love?
It keeps my soul in perfect peace, while all around me is storm and
tempest.
Saturday 25. I have the greatest reason to bless God of any creature:
for he gives me great hope, that my dear husband will not proceed on
his intended voyage. He seems at length to see the strength of the
objections against it. I wept over him last night, and reasoned with
him in much love, till one o’clock in the morning. And, glory be to
God, whatever it was to _him_, it was a blessed means of grace to _me_.
Monday, November 3. At night I was much frighted between sleeping and
waking, I believe, by the enemy. I was afraid I had offended my Lord,
by not going to church yesterday in the afternoon. I besought the Lord
to pardon me for the omission; and he soon spoke the answer to my heart.
Wednesday 5. Glory be to God for the blessings of this day, and for
giving me more patience and more watchfulness. Indeed I was tempted
to anger against my husband, and afterwards to lightness. But help was
at hand. O that I may be more thankful! Lord, may thy pure love always
fill my soul: and do thou water me every moment!
Monday 24. I was calm and serene all this day, and had power to
restrain my words. But in the evening I was much tempted, when one
told me, Mr. _Mason_ designed to make me leader of a band. I found it
hard to leave my sisters, and harder still to undertake so important a
charge. When he gave me the paper the next day, I was closely exercised.
And when I came to the band, it was a great mountain, and I was full
of shame and confusion. But when I began to speak, I found a little
freedom, and, blessed be God, he helped my infirmity. Afterwards I
found the same power to pray, as if we had been together some time.
Lord, bless us together, and let me be always little, and base, and
vile in my own eyes!
Friday 28. Glory be to God, this has been a blessed day. My soul has
been full of love to the people of God, my band in particular. And
the Lord gives me more light into myself, more freedom from wanderings
and evil reasonings, and more power to check my own spirit. But O! the
mighty void I saw in myself! I never saw it so before. This constrained
me to wrestle with the Lord. And he did not send me empty away.
Monday, December 1. Glory be to God, the Sun of Righteousness shone on
my soul all the day long. Whenever Satan was nigh, I looked to him, and
was instantly saved. He gave me a clear sight of the work of my soul,
and a brighter evidence than ever, accompanied with the pure streams of
his love pouring down into my heart.
Friday 5. Glory be to God, I found a tender conscience, and power
to set the Lord always before me. And I can now enjoy my God in my
business, as well as in my duty. My heart is constantly stayed upon
him, and I long for more of that living principle within. O that thou
wouldst fill me with heaven, with love, with God!
*Saturday 6. I find my soul is, as a well of water, springing up into
everlasting life. But I thirst for more. Blessed be God, he does keep
my soul in perfect peace, and in the midst of fire and water, give me
patience, with an hope full of immortality. But I feel a great soreness
of spirit, for those of my family. Lord, give them to know themselves,
and direct them in all things! Take the cause into thine hands, and
enable me, to stand still, and see the salvation of God.
Tuesday 12. Glory be to God, I enjoy peace and power, in the midst of
multitudes and hurry of business. My eye is still single toward the
mark of my high calling, and my one desire, to live more to God.
Friday 19. It was a cross to me to rise in the morning, but I was
well rewarded for taking it up. I was very lively all day; but in the
afternoon was suddenly tempted to lightness; so were all of us who
afterwards met in band; but the temptation soon fled away. My soul is
alive to God, and only longs to fathom more of the depths of humble
love.
Monday 22. My soul’s desire this day has been, to sink down into the
depth of humility. I see my helplessness, and feel the want of my
Redeemer’s merits every moment. But how often does my own will present
itself! Yet it prevails nothing. I want to be always as clay in the
hands of the potter, and to be all moulded into love! As far as I know,
I do love the Lord with all my heart. But I want to have all vain
reasonings destroyed.
Saturday, January 3, 1767. I was greatly blessed to-night, in a weeping
state, and mourned before the Lord for the sins of others. Yet at some
times, quickness presented itself, but only as a flying cloud. I found
a great reverence to-night, while I said, Our Father. May this awful
sense of his Majesty rest upon me, wheresoever I go!
Thursday 8. I was tempted to think lightly of my husband, as if he was
always asking, but not watching. I was much disordered in body, which
weighed down my mind when I waited on the Lord in private. But, on
reading the second chapter of _Zechariah_, my soul revived greatly: and
I had a lively sense of his sparing mercy; but still more, in talking
with a dear friend. I could then see, what a sinner I had been in times
past, in wishing for my own will; and could bless the Lord, that not
my will, but his, had taken place. O, may a due sense of the love and
mercies of God be ever engraven on my heart!
Tuesday 13. Glory be to God for shewing me, I had done amiss, in
reproving my husband before company, and for giving me to be humbled
on the account, and to acknowledge my fault. And blessed be God for
the Christian conversation we have had together this evening, wherein
we have seen, what advantage Satan had gained over us in time past. We
had power to speak to one another with all freedom, of the state of our
souls; and I trust this will be the beginning of happy days between us.
Sunday 18. Blessed be God, I have to-day found much life and light in
my soul at church. And I had a solemn time, in accompanying the relicks
of sister _Harris_ to the grave. We fulfilled our promise, in singing
her body to church, as we did her soul to glory. I was afterwards
tempted both to lightness and to impatience; but I bless God, I remain
in peace and love. My desire is, to know myself as I am known of God,
and to live no longer than I live to him.
*Friday 23. Glory be to God, though the enemy rages, I enjoy a calm
peace in my soul. But this evening I found little power to pray. I
believe it was owing to disorder of body. Yesterday I kept my bed all
day. I am still much indisposed. But I was much delighted with the
amiableness of Christ. And I saw the great need we have of him, and
shall have, when we stand naked before God. I saw the worth of Christ
exceedingly, and loathed myself and all my own performances: yet being
persuaded, that neither life, nor death, nor things present, nor things
to come, should ever separate me from his love.
Tuesday, February 3. I have been confined to my bed by a fever, from
Saturday till to-day. I found not much joy, but patience and peace, and
sweet tranquility of mind: especially when sister _Pearce_ prayed with
me. I found a longing desire to see some of my other sisters. But, when
one of them came, I could not speak to her at first, I was so overcome
with joy. The Lord blessed us in the afternoon also, when Mr. _Storey_
prayed with us. Glory be to his holy name, for christian conversation;
and for all the other helps we enjoy, to make our calling and election
sure.
Monday 23. All yesterday and to-day, I have been much disordered by
the cholic. At six this evening I bowed before God in prayer, and gave
myself up to him. I then resolved to try, whether I could not go to the
preaching. I went, and was better after it than before. While I was in
strong pain, the enemy thrust sore at me: But I did not give place to
him for a moment. Blessed be God for a tender conscience! I find, if
ever I speak a word unawares; if it is not right, I see it immediately,
and am grieved that I was not more on my guard. Lord, help me to watch
and pray every moment, that all my words may be to edification!
Monday, March 2. Blessed be God, for the love I have felt yesterday
and to-day, under the preaching of Mr. _Haim_. O may it sink deep in
my heart, and spring up into eternal life! I find Satan is continually
tempting; but he has no success. I want to be more of a child-like
spirit; to live more in Christ, and always near to God.
Thursday 5. My husband and maid both being sick, my body has been much
exercised this week. But, glory be to God, I have enjoyed constant
peace, and many blessed refreshings. Nor have I found one anxious
thought concernings their living or dying.
Sunday 15. God was pleased this week to afflict my body with sickness.
I mostly kept my bed. Sometimes I had doubts. Is it not, because I
do not speak more to my poor mother? Or because I have taken too much
upon me, in being leader of a band? But these doubts did not trouble
me so much as the close reflections I had from my husband. Twice I wept
concerning it; but then I thought, _the sorrow of the world worketh
death_. I looked to the Lord, and he delivered me. And I said to him,
Shall I one day see thy face, without a veil between? And shall I
stand at thy right hand, in the great day of accounts? And how clear an
assurance of it did he give me! I find earnest desires to drink deeper
of his Spirit, that I may be always the same, all of a-piece at all
times and in all places, and may have a solemn awe resting upon me, in
business and company, especially among professors of religion.
Thursday 25. I was much grieved this evening at the stubbornness of
my child. Lord, bless the correction, and give her thy grace, whatever
thou with-holdest from her! And help me to discharge my duty toward my
children, in this and in all things.
Thursday, April 2. I saw more than ever the necessity of simply
following my blessed Lord: And the great need of grace rather than
gifts; although gifts also are great blessings. Lord, on whomsoever
they are bestowed, may they beg thy aid, to use them singly to thy
glory. I find an encreasing zeal for God and his people. I long to live
more to God, and to have less to do with the world; and am sometimes
tempted against my husband, for incumbring himself so much with it. Yet
I am thankful to God for these outward blessings: But my whole aim is,
to be more devoted to God.
Wednesday 8. I want to have every thought brought into obedience to
Christ: And to feel continually the awful sense of the presence of the
great God! I have had a thankful and a melting heart, to think what
blessed helps my children have in their tender years; and indeed, in
looking back on my own life, and on the blessed showers of grace, which
God has poured upon me, from time to time, in christian conversation.
Lord, give me a thankful heart, and fulfil in me all the good pleasure
of thy will!
Monday 20. Glory be to God, that I am out of hell, and that I still
find, God is a God of love. My desire is, to begin now; to live this
moment, and believe for the next. I have been for some time confined
to my bed, and am still confined to my room. But all is well, while I
am enabled, in every state, to be content. I have had a week of close
trials and temptations; but of deep consolations likewise. But I see
I am still short in bearing all things, and in discerning the enemy’s
first approach. Yet glory be to thy great and holy name, for what I do
enjoy. O help me to prize thy blessings more, and to believe and love
to the end!
Sunday 26. In the morning, before I rose, wandering thoughts were
thrown into my mind. I begged the Lord to give me power to drive them
out; and he heard my prayer. He gave me likewise a thankful heart, to
think how richly he had provided for me, in temporals (while so many
were in pressing want) as well as in spirituals: I could not help
weeping before the Lord, and asking, “Why me, or mine? Why hast thou
given _me_ this composure of mind, more desirable than all this world?
Lord, give me to press after more inward solitude, and keep and water
me every moment!”
Sunday, May 3. Glory be to thy great and holy name, for all thy
blessings and mercies: But above all, for my dear Jesus: I feel
the value of his blood and merits more than ever. I find myself all
weakness and helplessness: his blood is all my plea. Through this I
enjoy great peace of mind; although much indisposed in body. But I
have been in doubt what to do. I said, about a year before I found
peace with God, that I would not eat any more flesh suppers, except
I was with child. But, as my present disorder was thought to require
it, I eat this evening a little of a calf’s foot. Lord, keep me from
scrupulous fears after it: Let not the enemy accuse me for it. Help me
in this, and all things, to extol thy love and guardian care.
Monday 25. Glory be to God for new desires to serve him: Lord, encrease
them every moment; and enable me to put in practice every desire,
and every resolution, which is to thy glory! Let me never be weary of
well-doing; but endure to the end, that no man take my crown!
Sunday, June 14. To-day I was at the house of mourning, at sister
_Pearce_’s, whose child was near death. It was an happy time. While
we read the experience of some departed saints, the Lord showered down
his love upon us. After the boy died, I thought, Who can tell, what
a blessed convoy surrounded us, although unseen by mortal eyes? And
I had strong faith, that, through the blood of the Lamb, I should one
day meet the saints above. I found also great faith for the welfare
of Zion, and hope that the Lord would soon build her up. In my late
indisposition, I found little activity and little power to pray. And
I found the enemy taking every occasion to tempt me: But there was
nothing in me to side with the temptation. Glory be to God for pure
love! Glory be to Jesus Christ, my Lord! O continue to reign supreme
Lord over every motion of my soul!
Thursday 25. Blessed be God, I enjoy a steddy peace, and evenness of
mind. But illness weighs down my body and soul, so that I am not active
in the service either of God or man. I found my own spirit very near
in reproving: But I looked to the Lord, and was saved. And I was kept
in a great measure from reasoning. On the closest examination, I found
nothing but love in my heart. But I long to have all that mind which
was in Christ Jesus my Lord!
Monday, July 6. At night, after I was in bed, I found my mind wander
after distant things. I found it hard to fix my mind on the Lord
only; but, glory to him, the fountain is still open. I have been much
better in body to-day, and have been able to pour out my soul to God,
more freely than for some time past. Indeed for some time I have had
little life in prayer: But, blessed be God, he even then gave me power,
which I had not, when I could rejoice to go to prayer, and found it
sweet to my taste. He only knows, what is best for us. And when I
was tried to-day, he gave me a meek and quiet spirit. But I believe I
spoke afterward more than was necessary; yet, blessed be God, without
condemnation.
Saturday 11. At a funeral, I was much tempted to look at those who were
still in their sins, and to prefer myself before them. But presently
it came, _Who maketh thee to differ?_ For a moment I sunk almost into
despair. But I thought on the love of God, and received comfort. So
busy is the enemy, first to lift us up, and then to cast us down.
Tuesday, August 4. Glory be to God, in the midst of trials, I was as
calm as if I was out of the body. In the evening, while I was earnest
in private prayer, I felt as it were a dart shot through me. I started
a little, but still kept calling upon God, till I was more than
conqueror.
Saturday 8. This evening I was obliged to speak on behalf of the
injured. And I thought it my duty to speak sharply, though still in
love and meekness. I found love for God and his cause constrained me
so to speak: For I hate every thing that would dishonour him.
Sunday, September 9. I was closely tried from a near quarter: But I was
kept in peace. I wept to myself, to think of the sore bondage sin had
brought upon them who are under the power of it. It gave me to see the
uncertainty of all things but the love of Christ.
Sunday 29. I was disturbed soon after midnight, and again a little
before day. I did not wake any more, till almost six. I was grieved to
be disappointed of the preaching, and yet contented, seeing there was
no will of my own in the omission of it. All this day I had a solemn
time. My soul enjoyed peace and tranquillity, and I found it good, to
leave the things of time behind, and to wait simply upon God.
Thursday, October 1. When the select society met, I was much tired,
and very heavy. But the Lord was pleased to bless others in a glorious
manner. Immediately it was suggested, “This is false fire: or why
am not _I_ affected!” I begged the Lord, to answer for himself. And,
before we parted, I had the petition I asked of him, and was refreshed
both in soul and body.
Saturday 3. Being much disordered in body, I was obliged to lie down.
I dreamed I was exhorting some people of note, in an exceeding solemn
manner. And I was so happy in God, that I afterward felt the good
effect of it, even upon my body. Yet, in the end, methought I was
tempted to lightness. See how Satan besets us sleeping and waking!
Tuesday 6. I had strong desires to be filled with God, and I find faith
that I shall; that I shall be entirely devoted to God, and that every
moment. My heart is more enlarged in love to all mankind, particularly
to my brethren; and I have power to cover their faults with love, and
to pray for them. Blessed be God, that his work is spreading among
us: More and more are brought to the knowledge of God: And many are
going from house to house, to call upon God and tell of his goodness.
It is no wonder therefore that Satan rages: But I trust he will be
disappointed of his hope. The Lord make us faithful, and keep us every
moment watching unto prayer!
Sunday 18. Glory be to God, I find the fruits of the Spirit encreasing;
particularly by means of private prayer. Indeed the enemy thrusts sore
at me therein, striving to make me afraid, till I sometimes cry out,
“Shall I be afraid to thank and praise my God?” He then presently flies,
and immediately the Lord showers down his blessings upon me.
Though I have been kept by sickness from the public means, this has
been a sabbath of rest to my soul. I had a solemn, peaceable time in
reading, and a glorious time in private prayer, between five and six.
And in the evening, the Lord poured his grace on my heart, as the dew
upon the tender herb. I never saw so much of his greatness before. Lord,
fill me with this awful sense of thy majesty, and let me be kept every
moment in that silent heaven of love!
Sunday, November 1. I have kept my bed for some days, being much
disordered in body. But, glory be to God, he has many times refreshed
my soul with his love: particularly, when I have been favoured with
the company of his dear children. When they called upon him in prayer,
he was pleased to hear, and answer even while they were calling. In
general, I have found calm composure of spirit, a deliverance from my
own will, patience and resignation to the will of God, and power in
the hour of temptation. But I want more strength of faith and love; for
I find the enemy is always watching. And sometimes he comes very near,
striving to sow the evil seed again. But, glory be to God, he has saved
me yet, though sometimes I have been scarcely saved: So that I see I
must live this moment to God, and watch and look to my dear Lord every
moment.
Monday 2. When I waked, my husband soon began talking to me about
worldly business. It was lawful, but I quickly found it was not
expedient: For I had not so much power to pray as usual. But, in the
evening, blessed be God, I waited upon him in a sweet, calm peace, at
the preaching. Only I found a little reasoning, “What if I should fall
in labour?” But it was quickly removed: And though my body failed a
little, yet I was freer from wandrings than I ever was for a long time.
Thursday 5. The Lord does still bless me and keep me; but I come short
of what I desire to be. In the morning I find strong desires to be
wholly devoted to God in every thing. But in the evening, I find I have
still come short, though without condemnation and fear. Blessed be God,
I am kept from inordinate sorrow for my dear friend’s illness. Lord,
prepare me for the same hour. And, if it be thy blessed will, rebuke
the disorder, and raise her up, for the good of her family, and of thy
people.
Sunday 8. The Lord was pleased to call her to himself. The day before
she seemed much better. But in the evening she fell worse again, and
this morning, about nine, departed. When word came of this, I was not
shocked at first; but in a while I began to reason on what had passed
between us the evening before. She then said, “When death seemed nigh
some nights since, the enemy thrust sore at me, and said, This will be
thy end: But I said, Not without God’s permission: He can bring me down
to the belly of hell, and bring me up again, as he did _Jonah_ out of
the whale’s belly. But it is one thing to talk of death, and another
to have it brought home to us.” Then her husband, and children, and
friends came near, and sorrow seemed to overwhelm her. But she said,
“God is able to bless and keep them, without me, if he is pleased to
take me. And if he is pleased to spare me, I can do nothing for them,
without the Lord.” When I reflected upon these things, not watching
unto prayer, I was quickly encompassed with a flood of temptations:
So that I never remember to have passed such a night, since I knew the
goodness of God. I could not sleep till six in the morning. But, glory
be God, I had peace at the bottom, and continued striving with all my
might. About Monday noon I found ease, and at five in the evening, I
could wait upon the Lord without distraction. On Tuesday I had such a
sweet and resigned will as I scarce ever had before. I was much taken
up with the blessedness of heaven, and had no doubt but I should be
there; but had no will of my own to die or live, only as the Lord
should please, and not one reluctant thought concerning the leaving of
my friends or family. I lay quite passive in the hands of my dear Lord.
O may he ever keep me so!
_Mary Pearce_ was a woman of good sense, which, mixed with grace, was
exceeding amiable. She had great light as to the spiritual life, could
see the state of our souls, and set them before us as clear as the
sun. She was of a spirit that sympathized with every one, both in their
temporal and spiritual trials. Indeed her own life was a life of trials;
which, she always said, was best for her, and no more than was needful
to keep her from pride, and to break her stubborn will. But she bore
all her trials with sweetness of temper, and never mentioned them
but to a near friend. She was a dutiful child, a tender parent, an
affectionate wife, and a faithful friend. May I tread in her steps,
and follow the example of her patience to the end!
Friday, December 18. I am much burthened in body, and confined by
reason of my burthen. Yet, blessed be God, I have patience to bear
it, and tarry his leisure. I have been much tempted to an angry zeal,
against some of my unconverted relations. But I saw the snare, and was
delivered. Sometimes it is a cross to go to private prayer: but I still
have peace and love. In meeting my band, I saw and felt my weakness
very much. Yet the Lord blessed us, while we called upon him. Lord,
bless me in the approaching hour of trial. Bless what is formed in
me, and, if it live in this world; may it be devoted to thy service.
Sanctify her sickness to my child, that is now under thy correcting
hand. Prepare her for life or for death: and may I, and all my dear
children meet at thy right-hand.
Sunday 27. I see more and more, that every thing I receive, is for the
sake of my dear Lord, and that I always want his precious blood, to
wash and keep me clean. Blessed be his name for faith in him. I find
his light discovers darkness more and more. It is a great thing to come
empty to God. Lord, help me to come wholly out of myself, to come to
thee, as at first I came, and to return to thee all thou givest me. And
help me in the approaching trial, to glorify thy great and holy name,
either by life, or by death. To me, to live be Christ, and to die be
gain.
Wednesday 30. Though I was greatly burthened in body, I enjoyed
much peace of mind. But I was desirous, that those who had so highly
dishonoured God should be openly expelled from us. Lord, lay thy mighty
hand upon them, and sink them into deep repentance, that they may cry
mightily to God, that he may enable them to return to him, from whom
they have so deeply revolted.
Friday, January 1, 1768. Glory be to God for his unbounded mercies
to me, in the year that is past. Thanks be to God and the Lamb, that
he has given me to see the beginning of another year. Whatever time I
live, may I live more to his glory, than ever I have done heretofore!
Saturday 2. This day has been a day of faith, and peace, and love:
and my soul has been much drawn out in prayer. Now let me expect fresh
trials, after such a shower of blessings.
Sunday 3. Though I am still confined from the outward means, which
are highly desirable, yet, blessed be God, I find him present with me,
keeping my soul in perfect peace. But I doubt I spoke more words to-day
than were to the glory of God. O let the blood of thy Son, Jesus Christ,
still cleanse me from all sin!
Sunday 10. Though much disordered in body, I enjoyed much peace and
love in my soul. I calmly expect the Lord to deliver me of the fruit of
my womb. But I do not find any will, but to glorify God; either by life
or by death.
Sunday 17. Many times I have not power to speak: but, blessed be God, I
find much thankfulness for all his mercies. My desires are still strong
for God and his work, and I find an increase of peace and patience.
In meeting my band, and in family prayer, he blessed us in an uncommon
manner. But the more blessings I receive from him, the more I see and
feel of my own weakness.
*Saturday 23. When the Lord opens my hand, to relieve the want of any
of his poor creatures, I find still there is need to cry to him, that I
may give him all the glory. Blessed be his name, my own spirit is dying
daily. Yet I sometimes find it a cross to go to private prayer; but so
much the more am I blest therein. And the Lord greatly blessed us in
family prayer, when I earnestly called upon him, to come and destroy
inbred sin out of the hearts of those who know his pardoning love.
Sunday 24. I had a longing desire to speak very plainly to my dear
mother. But I could not; I could only pray with her, and read to her
some passages of scripture. But, blessed be God, he has answered my
prayer, with regard to my family’s keeping the Lord’s day. Lord, enable
them always to keep a sabbath of rest, and to find rest in their own
souls!
Sunday 31. Glory, and thanks, and praise, be to God and the Lamb, for
his unbounded love to such an helpless worm! Blessed be his holy name,
I enjoy peace, and love to God and all mankind. I have no desire to
live, unless to his glory: but, through the burden and pain of my body,
I cannot put my desires in practice as I would: blessed be God, that
he takes the will for the deed. Lord, help me in my present condition,
to glorify thee by patience: to be content to suffer as long as thy
goodness pleases, and to wait till thy good time is come. And let me
regard neither pain, nor ease, but as it brings me nearer to my dear
Lord.
From Tuesday to Friday I was quite confined to my bed. On Tuesday, I
had much liberty in meeting my band: but since that time, I have had
little power, except at intervals. On Friday evening, it was strongly
suggested to me, “Thou wilt fail, when thy hour of trial comes.” I
immediately told my husband: he prayed with me, and I found liberty.
Yesterday morning, the same temptation assaulted me strongly: but I
spoke of it as soon as it came. And since that time, blessed be his
name, I have felt it no more. Lord, help me! Lord, keep me every
moment! Keep me to the end, for my dear Lord’s sake!
A short ACCOUNT of
ANN JOHNSON.
By JOHN JOHNSON.
1. SHE was born at _Lambeth_, October 17, 1717. Her mother died while
she was young. About sixteen, she married a seafaring man, who by his
extravagance exposed her to many difficulties. Often in sailing from
port to port, to prevent, if possible, his wasting his money when he
came from sea, she was in great danger, and then made many resolutions;
but they quickly died away.
2. On February 14, 1747. Her husband brought her to _Dublin_. But
she was still the same: “I do not remember, said she, that I had any
thought, whether I had a soul or not, till I was about twenty-eight
years old.” At that time she began to reflect with terror, on the
immortality of her soul. She saw and felt, that hell was her just
desert, and could find no way to escape it. She knew she was under the
wrath of God, but knew not how to appease it. She went from church to
church, and endeavoured to do whatever she was taught; but found all
she could do was nothing. Sometimes indeed her convictions subsided
for a time; but returned with double violence. The cry of her soul
continually was, “Lord what must I do to be saved? Shew me the way
wherein I should go!” Thus she went on for several years.
3. About fourteen years ago she heard Mr. _Thomas Walsh_ preach in the
New-room. She said, “He made my soul tremble exceedingly.” Her fears
were rather increased than lessened. But the eyes of her understanding
were not opened, with regard to the true method of salvation.
Afterwards she heard “that blessed man of God,” (as she justly called
him) _Paul Greenwood_. She then saw, that _by grace we are saved
through faith_, and at the same time, sin received a mortal wound. She
determined, nothing should prevent her seeking the pearl of great price,
that precious faith. She had much opposition; but nothing stopped her
soul on full stretch for salvation. Such was her desire to hear the
word, that frequently when she was locked into the room, up one pair of
stairs, she got out at a window. She directly joined the society, and
counted all things loss, so she might win Christ.
4. It was not long before it pleased God to remove the opposer out of
the way. She now frequently received much comfort: but that did not
satisfy. Nothing could give her lasting comfort, till she knew her sins
were blotted out. This she earnestly sought both in private and public,
missing no opportunity of hearing the preaching. And one Sunday morning,
as Mr. _Deaves_ was giving out an hymn, God was _pleased to reveal his
Son in_ her, and to enable her to say with a clear confidence, “He has
loved _me_, and given himself for _me_.” It was with much difficulty
that she refrained from crying out, and exhorting all to praise the
Lord. She now delighted to run the way of his commandments. Her heart
was enlarged. Both her heart and hands were open towards those that
feared God, and had her power been equal to her will, none of them
should have wanted any thing. For some months she walked as on the
wings of the wind.
“Jesus all the day long
Was her joy and her song:
O that all his salvation may see!
He has lov’d me, she cried,
He hath suffer’d and died
To redeem such a rebel as me!”
Though her outward situation was disagreeable, being surrounded great
part of the day, with those who constrained her to see and hear what
her soul abhorred; yet his grace was sufficient for her, and she
remained always rejoicing, and praising the God of her salvation.
5. After some months, it was shewn her, that the seeds of sin were not
yet rooted out of her heart. Yet she did not let go her confidence in
God, neither lose the power over her besetting sin, which was anger.
And it was her principle, not to rest an hour, without a feeling sense
of the love of God.
6. On October the 9th, 1760, by the providence of God, she and I were
married. She was truly an helpmate for ten years, three months, and two
days: during which time we could truly say, there never was any thing
but love and tenderness toward each other. There never was, that I
remember, but once, any appearance of what is called a quarrel. And
in a few hours she saw, it was not her business, to interfere with the
discipline of the society.
7. Although there was the most tender affection between us, yet
so exceeding great was her love to souls, and her desire for their
welfare, that she was willing at all times for me to go to any part of
the kingdom, without ever saying, “If you _must_ go, stay a few days
longer.” And if I was absent three or six months, nay, a whole year,
which was once the case, she never complained. She could part with
husband, or any thing, to glorify him, who had done so much for her.
The last time I spoke of leaving her, she was ill. My friends then
advised me, not to go. I was inclined to follow their advice, as there
appeared little hope of her recovery. But she insisted on my going
where Providence called, saying, “I never have hindered you yet. And if
I should do it now, I believe it would be displeasing to God.” I went,
and after an absence of three months, returned just at the time, when
she was taken with that last illness, which prevented her going out any
more. And for my coming home just at that time, she praised God to her
latest hour.
8. During the last ten years of her life, she had many and great
conflicts. The sense of inbred sin, and of her having so many times
offended God, after she had known his love, often lay heavy upon her
mind, and pierced her with deep sorrow. The earnest desire of her soul
was, to be wholly given up to God. But she was tormented with that fear,
lest she should not glorify God in life and in death: particularly,
lest by any improper behaviour at her death, she should be a reproach
to the gospel. Likewise anxious care about the world, sometimes
exceedingly distressed her. She was tempted to fear, lest she should
live to be a burden to the society. Or, at least, till she could not
be helpful to others, as she knew, it was more blessed to give than to
receive. But thro’ the mercy of God, none of the things which she had
feared came upon her.
9. Above two years ago, the disorder which occasioned her death began
to be violent. Yet she did not abate her diligence, to support herself
and family, till July 1769. Her pains then so increased, that she had
no ease night or day, only when she slept, which was seldom more than
an hour or two. But notwithstanding this, she could not be prevailed
upon to keep her room before Christmas. From that time she was in
exquisite pain, as tho’ her bowels were tearing asunder. She often said,
_wearisome nights and days are appointed for me_. Yet in the sharpest
pain, she never _charged God foolishly_, or once said, he dealt hardly
with her.
10. During this long confinement, she felt a keen conviction of her
past unfaithfulness, together with a piercing sense of inbred sin.
And on both these accounts, she was often crying out in deep distress,
_God be merciful to me a sinner_. She steddily believed, it was the
privilege of God’s people, always to feel the clear witness of his
spirit. Accordingly she was always, either rejoicing in the Lord, or
deeply distressed for want of it. Even in the severest pain, she was
not satisfied with patience, unless she had joy in the Lord.
11. She often would say, “The devil tells me, the peace I feel is only
stupidity: that I have been an hypocrite all my life, and never was
converted. But I can with confidence answer, this is false. I never
desired to deceive either myself or others. I know the Lord did awaken
my soul, and convert me to himself. And I cannot accuse myself of
lukewarmness in my duty since. I have seldom wilfully missed my class,
or band, or a sermon. Yet the manner in which I often performed those
duties, causes my soul to tremble. My body was present: but often, too
often my mind was engaged in my business. Herein I must plead guilty
before God, and he might justly have cast me out of his presence.”
12. All this time the hand of the Lord was underneath her, and did
not suffer her to sink in the deep waters. Yet she often complained,
“I cannot rejoice in pain,” whereas St. _Paul_ says, _Rejoice in
tribulation_: and that happy soul, _Nancy Rogers_ said, “Every pain is
a spring to my soul, to lift me up to heaven.” I told her, “When you,
like _Nancy_, are near your end, you may triumph over pain also. But
should it be otherwise, your eternal state does not depend on that.”
She cried out, “Nay, but what the scriptures declare, and what others
have experienced, is for _me_.” She did not fear being cast into hell:
yet her distress, at times, was exceeding great. She was vehemently
athirst for full salvation, and often broke out into deep lamentation.
“I am unlike the Lord! When shall I awake up after his full likeness!”
Sometimes she seemed just ready to lay hold on the hope set before her.
But she was checked by a sense of her unprofitableness in the ways of
God: and would often break out, “True Lord, true! I am unprofitable
indeed.”
13. At some times she was afraid, lest she should live to expend all
she had, and leave me in distress. But about a month before her death,
these fears vanished away, and she was quite resigned to the will of
God, leaving it wholly to him to do what seemed him good, with her and
all that she had. From this time she had no other care than that which
related to her soul. She was now released from her severe pains, and
her soul felt a solemn peace; tho’ she was still frequently tempted to
fear, lest she should deceive herself.
14. Near three weeks after, I was reading in the fifteenth volume of
the Christian Library, that section in _Isaac Ambrose_’s looking unto
Jesus, “Desiring Jesus with respect to his death.” The Lord now turned
his hand upon her, and caused her to feel his power. Her body seemed to
be forgotten; while her spirit rejoiced in God her Saviour, crying out,
“O the goodness of God, which directed that passage to be read this
night!” Then she began to sing
“Thou shepherd of Israel and mine,
The joy and desire of my heart!
For closer communion I pine;
I long to reside where thou art.
The pasture I languish to find,
Where all who their shepherd obey,
Are fed, on thy bosom reclin’d,
Are screen’d from the heat of the day.”
From this time she did _rejoice evermore_; and yet longed to triumph
more. Her ambitious soul could not rest, till wholly swallowed up in
God.
15. January 7. She desired to be taken out of bed. As soon as her
cloaths were on, she expected to have gone to rest. But God was
pleased to keep her a little longer in the body, for the comfort of
her surviving friends. As soon as she was a little revived, I asked,
“If she could stay her soul upon the Lord?” She said, “Yes, I can, tho’
I have not always that full assurance of faith.” But the next morning,
God fulfilled the desire of her heart, and filled her with faith and
love. About ten she seemed just expiring: but she soon revived. I said,
“My dear, can you rely on the Lord?” She answered with triumph, “I can;
yes, I can. All is plain before me. There is nothing now in the way. O
the precious blood of God! O the precious blood of God! That precious
blood cleanseth from all sin and from all stains.” I asked, “Has that
blood cleansed _you_ from all stains?” She said, “Yes, yes. It has
washed me, and it will still wash me.” I said, “For sorrow you shall
soon have joy.” She said, “Sorrow! I have had no sorrow. When I think
of what my Lord suffered for me, mine is nothing.” Indeed the exceeding
happiness she now enjoyed, made her forget all her former pains. She
said, “I shall be like him! I cannot tell what that is: but I shall be
like him.” The convulsions then followed each other with little respite;
but in the intervals, she was still praising God.
16. Wednesday 9. In the morning she was in great agonies, but said,
“Lord, thou dost all things well! Now I have nothing to do but to
praise: every breath shall be praise. I have just conquered death. O
Jesus, thou didst bring me into the world, and hast preferred me in the
world, and hast brought me thro’ the world!” I said, “He has brought
you safe to Jordan’s bank.” She said, “O yes, he has, O that I may go
full sail into port! I have a blessed pilot.” This day many persons
came to see her. One said, “Blessed are the dead which die in the
Lord!” She replied, “So saith the Spirit: for they rest from their
labours.” A convulsion followed, after which she was light-headed:
unless any one spoke to her of the Lord Jesus. Then for a time, her
reason returned. She did not sleep the whole night, and her breath
was almost gone: yet she said, “I do not feel much pain.” Thursday 10.
Early in the morning she was again composed, and said, “I shall soon be
with him. I shall drink of the river that makes glad the city of God.
He has brought me out the white linen and put it upon me. I see Jesus!
I see Jesus! He is worth more than all I have below.” This day she
often dozed; but as soon as awake, said, “O precious Jesus!” Thus she
spent the day, and most part of the night, saying, “I have often been
weary of speaking of him: but now I can speak of him for ever.”
17. Friday 11. She knew all that came to see her, and spoke to several
of them. About ten her daughter asked her blessing. She kissed her, and
said, “The Lord bless you and give you grace to be dutiful.” Soon after
one came, that was very dear to her. She would have spoke to her; but
at first was not able. But after a short time she said, “Her voice has
been pleasant to me. Farewell. I shall soon be in heaven;” These were
the last words I could understand; but she was sensible to the last.
About twenty minutes before one, she fell asleep.
“Thus may we all our parting breath
Into the Saviour’s hands resign!
O Jesus let me die her death,
And let her latter end be mine!”
A short ACCOUNT of
ANN ROGERS.
By JOHN JOHNSON.
Saturday, _April 8, 1769_.
I WENT to see _Ann Rogers_, a young woman who had been for several
years a member of the society in _Dublin_. Two or three years ago
she believed God had saved her from all sin, and ever since behaved
in the most exemplary manner. “My body, she said, is exceeding weak:
but Christ is precious to my soul, and has not suffered me in all my
weakness and pain to feel one murmuring thought.”
I enquired, how the work of God began in her soul? She said, “_May_
was six years I came to live with Mrs. _Riggs_, where _Mary Feris_
lived; at which time I had no notion of real, heart religion. But her
behaviour struck me, and not long after, I went with her on Sunday
morning to the _New-Room_. From that time I saw myself a vile, helpless
sinner, of which I was convinced more and more; yet with strong hope,
expecting deliverance under every sermon I heard, and in every meeting
for prayer. But in about two months my hope grew weak, and I concluded
God did not hear my prayers. Then deep sorrow seized my heart, till
one night going to bed, I cried earnestly for mercy, and begged that if
there were any for me, I might wake time enough to attend the morning
preaching. I awoke at the time. In that moment I was enabled to believe,
that God loved me. I rejoiced unspeakably; I was happy in his love, and
have never since doubted of his favour.
“This joy continued for some months, but with an earnest hope of seeing
greater things than these: those words being frequently in my mouth,
and almost continually in my mind,
Wrestling I will not let thee go,
Till I thy name, thy nature know!
And one day as I was sitting in my room, the power of God came mightily
upon me, and those words were applied to my heart, in a manner I cannot
express, _Thou art all fair, my love: there is no spot in thee_. It
is impossible to tell how my soul was filled with love: surely it was
angel’s food! I was called down to dinner, but could eat nothing: On
this one said, ‘_Nancy_, have you got _the second blessing_?’ I did
not know how to answer to this, or what name to call it by. But I said,
I never was so happy in all my life: I am quite filled with love. And
from that time I have continued, except some weeks in the beginning
of last year, (when I was hurt by disputing about a third person)
_rejoicing evermore, praying without ceasing_, and _in every thing
giving thanks_. My particular prayer was, that God would give me all
the grace which he had promised in his word.”
From the time that this disorder began, it was her constant prayer,
“Lord, if I recover, let it be to thy glory; if not, thy will be done!
Only do not take me hence, till thou hast finished thy work in my soul.”
This, she added, “is my whole desire. And I must bear this testimony,
the Lord Jesus hath always, on his part, been faithful and gracious to
me. And though, on my part, I have been much wanting, yet he hath borne
with me and mightily blessed my soul.”
Her mother told me, “Yesterday I thought she was expiring; she did
not appear like herself; till she broke out, ‘The goodness of God has
been so manifested to my soul, that I could not speak. Those words were
spoke to my heart, _I have loved thee with an everlasting love_. And,
_Thou shalt be mine, in that day, when I make up my jewels_. O! I have
sweet foretastes of heaven! I would gladly go to him my soul loves.’”
Sunday 9. I saw her again. She was then so weak, she could hardly speak
to be heard. But after I had spoke a few words of the love of Jesus,
she found strength and said, “The first Sunday in February last, at the
sacrament, I did indeed eat his flesh and drink his blood. The glory
of the Lord shone into my soul, and I felt so much of his love, it was
almost more than my feeble body could bear: it was a real foretaste
of heaven.” She said, “Three nights ago I was in exquisite pain, such
as I never felt before: but every pain was a spring to my soul, to
lift me up to heaven. I could thank him for all, and methought I would
not recover for the whole world. Indeed the love of Jesus so ravishes
my soul that I would not have ♦one pain less than he pleases.” Then
correcting herself she said, “Pain! It cannot be called pain: his
presence makes it heaven to me!” One said, “He has brought you through
the wilderness, within sight of the good land.” She said, “O yes! O
yes! He has; and he will be with me through the valley; this I cannot
doubt.” I then took my leave and saw her no more. What follows, I had
from those that attended her.
♦ “on” replaced with “one” per Errata
She exhorted all that came, particularly those that sat up with her,
to redeem the time. To one she said, “O _Sally_, turn to God with your
whole heart: you have but little time:” and to them all, “Make haste!
Get ready! You have no time to spare.”
Afterward Satan was permitted to thrust sore at her. Waking out of
sleep, she began to reproach herself, for sleeping, saying, “If I had
not slept, it would not have been thus with me. I cannot doubt of the
favour of my Lord: neither can I fear his casting me into hell. But I
am tempted to think, I shall have sore distress at the hour of death.”
This lasted some hours; but in the evening she said, “Christ is come,
and Satan is gone.” Nor was he suffered to trouble her any more. All
that followed was peace and love.
Yet she was exceedingly concerned for her mother, lest she should not
freely give her up to God. Her mother was asked, Whether she could or
no? She answered, “Since it is the will of God to take her, I do give
her up freely.” And this reply gave her entire satisfaction.
The day before she died, the thought of being for ever with the Lord,
was transporting to her soul. But she said to her mother, “I charge you
when I am dead, let none of the wicked come into the room. Let it be
filled with those that fear God; and while they are singing the praises
of God below, I shall be singing them above.”
About three in the morning she said earnestly, “O precious Christ! O
precious Christ!” These were her last words: but she still expressed
her happiness, sometimes by lifting her eyes towards heaven, and
sometimes by looking pleasantly on those about her, till her sight
failed, and her spirit went up to God.
Some years before she died, she now and then wrote down a little of her
experience. I believe these accounts, imperfect as they are, will be
acceptable to the pious reader.
“April 10, 1764. The Lord has blessed me in a wonderful manner. Glory
and praise to his great name! O that thy praise may dwell on my heart!
O my Lord, enable the unworthiest of thy servants, to give thee thanks
for thy unspeakable love! O that I could invite all to taste and see
how good thou art, how full of truth and grace! O thou unexhausted
fountain of love, enable me every moment to cast myself upon thee, and
to receive out of thy _fulness grace for grace_.”
I continued thus for five days, yet with many wanderings from my God:
but I had this cry in my heart, Dear Lord, deliver me from a heart so
prone to wander from thee!
Tuesday, May 22. As I was at my work, these words came to my heart
with power, _I will take away the heart of stone, and will give thee
an heart of flesh_. I was lost in wonder, yet found unbelief till those
words were spoke to my heart, _Ye are clean through the word I have
spoken_. I found a change in myself from that moment, and could say,
I love thee with every faculty of my soul. Truly I can say, that God
is love! And that he delights to do his needy creatures good.
September 14, 1765. I had a greater desire than usual to retire from
the world: yea even from the converse of the holiest Christians, to
wait upon God alone. I wanted to have a closer acquaintance with the
blessed Jesus. Happy he that can go to God at any time, praying to him
with faith and fervency. My God, all my soul cries aloud for more of
thy light and love! O my Lord, manifest thyself in me more fully! None
living has greater cause to love and serve thee.
Sunday 15. The sermon at church caused some heaviness; but I was
refreshed at the Lord’s table. O Jesus, assist me to look through every
means, to thee, the fountain of life and love!
Monday 16. The sermon was as marrow and fatness to my soul. I did
truly _wait upon_ God. I have been happy this whole day: Jesus has been
precious to me. I found him in every means of grace: he is near me in
every time of need. I see much of my helplessness and weakness.
Every moment, Lord, I want
The merit of thy death.
Tuesday 17. I have found this day, most comfortable communion with
Jesus, and free access to the throne of grace. Yet I have been greatly
tempted: but the Lord stood by me, and made a way for me to escape.
I want to be all attention to his voice, and to be more dead to the
things of time and sense: let me have no will, O Jesus, but thine! Let
thy will be done in me and by me!
Wednesday 18. This morning I was so stupid I could hardly pray: but
thou art not extreme to mark what is amiss. All the day I was much
hurried in business, and could not attend the public means of grace.
But in the evening he made up the want, giving me free access to him
in prayer: and therein he graciously refreshed my poor drooping soul.
O my God, let the fire of thy love burn up whatever is not agreeable
to thee. And let such a sense of thy free, unmerited love rest on me,
as may keep me ever low at thy bleeding feet!
Thursday 19. This whole day, though much employed in my business, the
Lord stood by me, and enabled me to look to him. In the evening he made
a way for me to hear his word, and I found it good to wait upon him. He
does fulfil his word, _They that wait upon the Lord, shall renew their
strength. They shall run and not be weary; shall walk and not faint._
I daily see my unprofitableness. My short-comings are many; yet he
freely pardons: I see that my strength is perfect weakness; that if
Jesus left me a moment, I should fall. And we cannot be any otherwise
saved, than by a constant looking to him. O Jesus keep my eye fixed on
thee, till I am looked into all thy lovely likeness.
Friday 20. I found much of the goodness of the Lord. I want to love
him more, that I may serve him better. I do not love or praise him as
I would: but he does _not despise the day of small things_.
I find he visits me with his love in a particular manner, before any
particular trial. A trial I met with this evening caused heaviness for
a time: but I was comforted under the sermon. How numberless are thy
thoughts of love to my soul! They are more than the sands on the sea
shore.
Saturday 21. I found my mind frequently wandering. O thou friend of
sinners,
Settle and fix my wav’ring soul
With all thy weight of love!
I was variously tempted, and I reasoned with the temptation, which
increased it more and more, till Jesus shewed me, it was from an enemy,
and graciously delivered me. O teach me wisdom to know his devices,
and pardon my unfaithfulness! Strengthen my faith, confirm my hope, and
perfect me in love.
Sunday 12. This has been a sabbath of rest to my soul. Glory be to thy
great and glorious name, O thou fountain of love! What shall I do to
praise thee for thy free grace to the most unfaithful of thy children?
O what cause have I to esteem thy word? It is _sweeter than honey or
the honey-comb_. I am athirst for all that Christ has purchased for me.
I long for more of his meek and lowly mind! The mind that beareth all
things: O that every thought may continually rise to thee!
Monday 23. This has been an happy day to me, the most unworthy of thy
children. I have had a constant sense of the presence of my Beloved,
comforting and refreshing my soul. _I sat under his shadow with great
delight, and his fruit was sweet to my taste._ Yet I see that my
wants are many, and that there are heights and depths to be attained
here. I am truly ashamed before God of my own unprofitableness. Yet he
graciously passes by all my follies, without even upbraiding me. Yea,
he applies with power that comfortable promise, _I will betroth thee
unto me in righteousness, and in judgment, and in loving-kindness, and
faithfulness; and thou shalt know the Lord_. I know thee; but I long to
know thee more, O thou that art altogether lovely!
Insatiate to this spring I fly:
I drink, and yet am ever dry,
Ah! who against such charms is proof?
Ah! who that loves, can love enough!
Tuesday 24. I was closely assaulted by the enemy. He pursueth hard
after me: but when he _cometh in like a flood, Jesus lifts up a
standard against him_. He brought many heavy accusations against me.
I durst not stay to reason with him for a moment. But I flew to Jesus
as for my life, and cried to him to deliver me. And he did so, by
applying that promise to my heart, _My grace is sufficient for thee_. I
find it is, even for me. The name of Jesus is a strong tower, where the
righteous may always resort. I spent great part of this day in visiting
the sick, and found it a blessing to me. How much _better is it, to
go to the house of mourning, than to the house of feasting_! How glad
should I be of more time to spend among thy afflicted followers? But in
this, as in every thing beside, _not mine will, but thine be done_.
Thursday 26. I find this day, thy love is better than life. Thy
strength is made perfect in my weakness. I long to be wholly given up
to thee. I visited one of our sick friends, and my soul was refreshed
with her. To enjoy thy presence on a sick bed, is unspeakable happiness.
Then nothing will do, but a real interest in a crucified Redeemer. It
is only the blessed experience of this, which then gives true peace,
freedom from all anxious care, and resignation in pain. Our anchor is
cast within the veil: our hope is full of immortality. O glorious hope
of perfect bliss! And am I a partaker of this hope?
O wondrous grace! O boundless love!
Friday 27. O Jesus, what hast thou done for me? What shall I say
unto thee? This I can say, that I love thee: and let it be with every
faculty of my soul! I do find _thy name as ointment poured forth_. Thou
_leadest me in green pastures, by the still waters of comfort_.
When nature fails, and day and night
Divide thy works no more,
My ever thankful soul, O Lord,
Thy goodness shall adore.
Saturday 28. This morning I had a trial, but Jesus stood by me, and
kept my mind in peace. Visiting a friend in the evening, I was much
comforted. God was with us of a truth. O how full of love are thy
thoughts towards me! All things shall work together for my good.
Monday 30. This has been one of my best days. I think I never had
before such a sense of the goodness of God to me, and my entire
dependence on him. My soul has been upon the stretch for all the fruit
of the Spirit. I never saw such beauty in humility, and felt such a
desire after it.
* * * * *
The following paper bears no date.
“O Jesus, how richly hast thou provided for me here? Thou givest me
a large earnest of my inheritance. Thou dost give me to drink of that
fountain of living water. O that it may be in me as _a well of water,
springing up into everlasting life_! O thou fairest among ten thousand,
what hast thou done for such a worm as me! Thou hast purchased for me
holiness and heaven; yea, heaven upon earth. Thou dost give thyself to
me, and with thyself all things. Be astonished, O my soul, at the large
inheritance which thy Jesus has purchased for thee! Behold the rivers
of pleasure that flow at his right hand! And there thou shalt behold
his face without a veil:
“Far from a world of grief and sin,
With God eternally shut in!”
A short Account of the Death of
MARY LANGSON,
Of _Taxall_, in CHESHIRE,
Who died _January_ the 29th, 1769.
WHEN _Mary Langson_ was about fourteen years of age, it pleased God to
awaken her by the preaching of the gospel; and soon after she received
a clear sense of his pardoning love, in the enjoyment of which she
continued, though not exempted from those trials and temptations which
are common to believers.――From her first hearing the preaching, she
was diligent in the use of all the means of grace, whether private, or
public: and though the preaching was seldom near, she attended at every
possible opportunity.
She was constant at meeting her class; and those who were most
acquainted with her, being of the same family, observed that she always
expressed the state of her soul, just as it was, and manifested such a
spirit of sincerity in all her deportment, as convinced them that she
was an _Israelite indeed_, in whom was no guile.
Her step-mother being rendered incapable of managing the affairs of
the house, the care of a young family in a great measure devolved on
her, which, with the attendance needful for her helpless step-mother,
necessarily brought considerable exercises and trials, to one of such
tender years; yet being inwardly strengthened for the performance of
these duties, she manifested as much tenderness towards her, as if she
had been her own mother; (an example too rarely seen in such cases)
and was enabled to go through her constantly-trying circumstances
with unwearied patience. Although by these means she was deprived of
providing for herself such sort of apparel, and conveniences as those
of her age usually expect, and may innocently enjoy.
*Having been tried, and in some measure intangled in her affections,
she was sensible of a decline in her spiritual consolations, but
through the mercy of God, this lasted not long; for she rested not till
she had recovered all she had lost; so that she was enabled to testify
to a Christian friend, while she remained in health, “I find my heart
loose from every creature, and all created good, and wholly fixed on
God: this is the desire of my soul.
“O that I might walk with God,
Jesus my companion be;
Lead me to the blest abode,
Thro’ the fire, and thro’ the sea:
Then I shall no more complain,
Never at my lot repine,
Welcome toil, or grief, or pain,
All is well, if Christ is mine.”
When the grace of God thus takes place in the heart, how little does
every thing we suffer for his sake appear! How empty is _all_ the world
calls _good_ and _great_, to a soul filled with divine love!
From the following remarkable circumstances, it seems as if she had
some apprehensions of the near approach of death. She began to be more
abundantly diligent in the use of every means of grace, for some weeks
before her last sickness. It was also observed that though she had not
been accustomed to pray at the class-meeting, yet being now exceedingly
fervent in spirit, one evening at class, she broke out into earnest
prayer; she appeared to enjoy much freedom, and great nearness to God,
and was deeply affected with a sense of the _evil of sin_, and her own
_weakness_, which occasioned her crying to God in such expressions as
these, “O Lord! Rather let me die, than live to offend, or ever sin
against thee!” Indeed the vehement importunity with which she uttered
these petitions made her brethren suspect that something more than
common would happen; for the power of God was unusually present.
Soon after (on the 14th of January, 1769) she sickened for the
small-pox. One then asked her, how she felt her soul: she said, “My
evidence is clear, and life or death, the will of the Lord be done.”
*During her illness, she continued perfectly resigned to the will of
God. The Thursday after sickening, she became blind, when one of the
society coming in, and discerning the distemper ♦to be dangerous, sat
down and wept. As soon as she perceived it, she said, “_Dolly!_ What
are you doing? Are you weeping for me? Don’t you know, that if God
takes me away, it is from much evil that is in the world? I have often
looked at your mother, and thought, O that I was but as near glory as
her: (she being about fourscore) but now I think I am nearer glory than
she is, and shall be in possession of it before her!”
♦ duplicate word “to” removed
When she was asked again how she found herself, she answered, “Glory is
every moment open to my soul; there is nothing between me and eternal
glory, but a few moments more of light affliction.”
At night she called for her father, and said to him, Dear father, you
have had many trials and difficulties in the world, and you have many
more before you, but fear not, you are in the _way_, the _right_ way;
continue in it, and God will bring you thro’ all.”
On Saturday the 21st, about eleven at night, she broke out in an extasy
of joyful praise; speaking in the most delightful language for more
than an hour together, concerning Jesus and his kingdom. Some that were
present on being asked what she then said, answered, we heard words not
possible for men to utter; and indeed but little of the conversation
could be retained by any of them, they were so overwhelmed with a sense
of the presence of God.
Once she was observed to speak in the following manner, “There is never
a fiend left now: they are all banished; Jesus has conquered them all
for me!” By which it seems, this was her triumph in the last combat she
had with Satan.
She then repeated and explained, in a most feeling and sensible manner,
many passages of scripture, especially Daniel vii. 9, 10. “I beheld
till the thrones were cast down, and the Ancient of Days did sit, whose
garment was white as snow, and the hair of his head like the pure wool;
his throne was as the fiery flame, and his wheels as burning fire. A
fiery stream issued and came forth from before him; thousand thousands
ministered unto him, and ten thousand times ten thousand stood before
him: the judgment was set, and the books were opened,” adding in the
end, “O lovely Jesus! Blessed Jesus! Adorable Jesus! Glory! Glory!
Glory! Glory! To God in the highest! On earth peace; good-will towards
men.” Thus Christ’s coming in the clouds to judgment, was to her
infinitely desirable, and so abundantly was her soul ravished with the
_prospect_, that she could not forbear rejoicing with joy unspeakable
and full of glory.
*While in health, she seemed at a loss to consent to the doom of the
wicked, but now she said, “O how willing is Christ to save all that
come to him? But they who will not come, shall be destroyed, and though
I could not for a long time say _Amen_ to the sentence of _impenitent
sinners_, yet now I can, seeing how willing God is to save all who will
accept of his offered mercy.”
She likewise repeated Revelation xiv. 1, 2, 3, taking particular notice
of those words, an hundred and forty-four thousand, in the first ♦and
third verses: and said, “A goodly company! And I shall be _one_, and
all that have died in the Lord, and all the preachers whom I have loved,
(mentioning some of them by name) and I shall see them there; and all
the _Methodists_, that are _such indeed_; _they_ shall be there.” May
we be _Israelites indeed_, who are so called, and not rest in a name to
live while we are dead.
♦ duplicate word “and” removed
She again cried out, O precious Jesus! My Beloved is mine, and I am
his! He is the _fairest_ of ten thousand, yea _altogether lovely_.¹ O
what glory do I see! And all for _me_! How does my soul burn with love
to Jesus, who has provided it for me! I wonder that _that_ happiness
could have no higher title than heaven.”
¹ Canticles v. 16. These were the words she chose for the text
of her funeral sermon.
On Monday the 23d, she called her father, and said, “I am going.” He
asked _where_? She answered “to heaven: adding, I am glad I do not
leave _you_, in your sins, but that you are brought into the right way.
Only endure, and you will shortly follow me! Do not grieve for me; O
resign me.” He cried, “I am a wretch, I cannot resign you;” to which
she answered, “_that_ is nature, I was a wretch too, but God has set
me at liberty; do you pray to him, and he will give you more grace.”
He complained “I cannot pray, do you pray for me.” She said, “my bowels
yearn for you;” and then lay quiet a little interceding for him and the
family; after which she broke out, “Lord hasten thy work; do more now
in my soul in a day, than thou wast wont to do in many days.” She then
repeated Revelation xxii. 1. and said, “well may they be called rivers,
for I see fountains upon fountains: O what rivers of pleasure are
there! How shall I swim in those _oceans_ of _love_ to all eternity!
I am overcome with love! Oh if I were loose from this affliction how
would I sing!” And calling on those who were present to sing, she gave
out
“No need of the sun in that day,
Which never is followed by night,
Where Jesus’s beauties display,
A pure, and a permanent light:
The Lamb is their light and their sun,
And lo! By reflection ♦they shine,
With Jesus ineffably one,
And bright in effulgence divine.”
♦ “thy” replaced with “they” per Errata
To her father she said, “You have many difficulties in the world, and I
will tell you what you must do; give your hands to the world, and your
heart to God, and he will make a way for you.”
*She seemed to enjoy a happy foresight of the prosperity of the work of
God, when she said, “You may look for glorious times to come; for the
Lord has a great work to do on earth, before the church militant can
join the church triumphant.” To some of the society who were present,
she said, “God has given you the _means_ of _grace_, in order to bring
you safe to glory; see that you do not slight or neglect any of them;
use them constantly, and look through them all to Jesus.”
Afterwards one asked, how she was? She answered, “Weak in body, but
happy in soul: I long to be gone to heaven.” Being told, you must be
resigned, she answered, “I am resigned, but would rather be with Jesus.”
Some who desired to serve the Lord, but were not heartily in earnest,
came to see her. One of these, she had invited some time before to
the class-meeting; and he had almost promised to come, but neglected.
She said to him, “I thought you would have been at the meeting as you
proposed; O how was my soul grieved that you did not come! Will you
come the next time? The _Methodist_ way is the _right_ way. It was a
happy turn that I was ever brought into it. O how good have I found it
to _remember my Creator in the days of my youth_. Now I can say, though
I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil,
for the Lord is with me, his rod and staff shall comfort me.” She then
encouraged them heartily to join with the people of God, and not to
fear any reproach they might suffer on that account.
When the disorder was at the height, she said, “Some may think that I
have a _heavy_ affliction. _No_: I have none that I can spare. Oh! it’s
a _happy_ affliction!”
*“Others, said she, may say of me, she was once _blooming_; how is she
_altered_ now? But I was never so _beautiful_ in all my life; I am as
the King’s daughter, all-glorious within: and my raiment is of wrought
gold.”
A little before her departure, being visited by the wife of one of
the leaders, she asked how her husband did? Adding, “He has had many
struggles to help me forward in the ways of the Lord; but now he may
rejoice in all his labours, for I am going safe to glory, and hope to
meet him there. O little children! Love one another.” She also advised
her, as she had many children, to take care what example she set before
them.
Afterwards one asked whether she thought her present sickness would
end in death, she answered, “I cannot tell; but the will of the Lord be
done. Only this I know, that neither life nor death shall separate me
from the love of Jesus, who has redeemed me from the foundation of the
world. If I die, as soon as you see me depart, sing _Happy soul, thy
days are ended_: and when you carry me to the grave, sing the same hymn.
When you return let not your hearts be filled with grief, but praise
God, as I shall be rejoicing with him in glory.”
An HYMN,
_Sung at the time of her departure_.
1. HAPPY soul, thy days are ended,
All thy mourning days below:
Go by angel-guards attended,
To the sight of Jesus go.
Hallelujah, Amen.
2. Waiting to receive thy Spirit,
Lo the Saviour stands above,
Shews the purchase of his merit,
Reaches out the crown of love.
3. Struggle through thy latest passion,
To thy dear Redeemer’s breast,
To his uttermost salvation,
To thine everlasting rest.
4. For the joy he sets before thee
Bear a momentary pain;
Die, to live the life of glory,
Suffer with thy Lord to reign.
A short ACCOUNT of the DEATH of
Mrs. HANNAH RICHARDSON.
By Mr. CHARLES WESLEY.
Bristol, _Saturday, April 19, 1741_.
I WAS hastily called to one that was a dying. It was _Hannah
Richardson_, a young woman who had long been a sincere mourner for
Christ, a true _Hannah_, a woman of a sorrowful spirit. God had
awakened and drawn her from her infancy, and she heartily laboured to
establish her own righteousness, seeking acceptance (as we did all)
_not by faith, but as it were by the works of the law_.
When it pleased God to send the gospel of his free grace to this city,
she gladly parted with her own righteousness, and submitted herself
to the righteousness of God. She was a constant hearer of his word,
but received no benefit by it; no comfort, no peace, no life. Yet she
continued waiting for several months, till it pleased our Lord, who
sends by whom he will send, to make use of my ministry, and apply the
word of reconciliation to her soul. Jesus gave her a token for good,
and she went home to her house justified. She rejoiced in God her
Saviour, and testified, _In him I have redemption, through his blood,
the forgiveness of my sins_.
But alas! the Comforter was _as a guest that tarrieth but a day_.
She soon gave place to the reasoning devil, who asked, _How can these
things be_? “How can you be justified, so vile a sinner as you? You
only deceive yourself! Hath God for Christ’s sake forgiven you? He
hath not surely forgiven you.” By such suggestions he well-nigh tore
away her shield. All the comfort of her faith, all her peace and joy
in believing he did entirely spoil her of; God so permitting it, to
try her, and prove her, and shew her what was in her heart, that he
might do her good in her latter end. He hid his face from her, and
she was troubled. “I will allure her, said God, and bring her into the
wilderness.” Here she long wandered out of the way, in a barren and dry
land, where no water was. The poor and needy sought water, and there
was none, and her tongue failed for thirst. She could truly say with
the prophet, _Verily thou art a God that hidest thyself_. Or, with the
patient man, _Behold, I go forward, but he is not there, and backward,
but I cannot perceive him; on the left hand, where he doth work, but I
cannot behold him; he hideth himself on the right hand, ♦that I cannot
see him_. Her bones were smitten asunder, as with a sword, while the
enemy said unto her, “Where is now thy God? Where is now thy faith?
Thou art a thousand times worse than ever.”
♦ “but” replaced with “that” per Errata
So indeed she seemed to herself, when sin _appeared_ sin. God was
now uncovering her heart, and convincing her of original sin. The
_old man of sin_ was more and more revealed, till at last she saw
that her _inward parts were very wickedness, and every imagination of
the thoughts of her heart only evil continually_. She had no power to
pray or praise, or so much as to think one good thought, and at the
same time was so torn and distracted with doubts and fears, that she
dispaired even of life. That thought above all tormented her, “What
would become of me, if I should die in this darkness? Without holiness
no one shall see the Lord.” At other times she had a faint persuasion,
that God would finish his work before he called her hence.
She durst not say she had faith, or any interest in Christ; and yet
she could not give it up. One little spark of hope lay as at the very
bottom of her heart; which was Christ’s hold of her. He would not quit
his purchase, or let her go.
Even this was often a great trouble to her, that she could not fear
death as formerly; (for this fear was entirely cast out the first
moment she was sensible of her justification). And, whenever she had
the least comfort or peace, she started back as it were, and feared
to take hold of it, suspecting that she was falling asleep again, and
resting without Christ. She went mourning all the day long, and refused
to be comforted, because he was not.
For many days and months she walked on still in darkness, and had no
light, but _against hope believed in hope_; staggering oftentimes, but
not falling through unbelief. Still she bore up under her continual
fears of being a castaway. She waited in a constant use of all the
means of grace; never missed the communion, or hearing the word,
though all was torment to her, for she never found benefit; nothing
she said, affected her, there was none so wicked as her. I am a witness
to her many complaints and wailings. Yet she persisted with a glorious
obstinacy; and _followed on to know the Lord, walking in all his
commandments and ordinances blameless_. She went on steadily in the way
of her duty, never intermitting it on account of her inward conflicts.
Not slothful in business, but working almost continually with her own
hands. Most strict was she, and unblameable in all her relative duties,
and in all manner of conversation. Those who lived with her never
heard a light and trifling word come out of her mouth. She did not sit
_still_, till she should be pure in heart, but redeemed the time, and
bought up every opportunity of doing good. To do good she never forgot,
but spoke to all, and warned all, both children and grown persons, as
God delivered them into her hands. She was exceeding tender-hearted
towards the sick, whether in body or soul. She could not _rejoice
with those that rejoiced_, but she _wept with those that wept_, and
encouraged them to wait upon God, to be never weary of well-doing; for
in the end said she, they would reap, if they fainted not.
*See here a pattern of true mourning! A spectacle for men and angels! A
soul standing up under the intolerable weight of original sin! Troubled
on every side! perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted by sin, the
world, and the devil, but not forsaken; cast out, but not destroyed;
walking on as evenly under that load of darkness, as if she had been in
the broad light of God’s countenance. Whosoever thou art that seekest
Christ sorrowing, _go thou and do likewise_.
In this agony she continued, till it pleased God to visit her with her
last sickness. For the two or three first days, she could not be kept
from the word, but was then constrained to take her bed. She had early
notice of her departure, and told one of her band, that she should not
recover. She had express’d great earnestness to see me, but I could not
visit her ’till the Thursday following. I then found her, to her own
sense and feeling, in utter despair. “I am dying, (she cried) without
pardon, without a Saviour, without hope.” I prayed in full assurance
of faith, and then testified the love of Christ to her, a lost sinner;
declaring to her, that he would fulfil in her the work of faith with
power. “My soul for your’s (I told her) if you depart hence, before
your eyes have seen his salvation. Yet a little while, and he that
shall come will come, and will not tarry. The word of our God shall
stand for ever. Every one that seeketh findeth. Fear not; behold, he
comes quickly; and one moment of his presence will make you abundant
amends for all the pain of absence.”
When I was gone, her sufferings rather increased, and Satan raged
the more. The lyon tore her as it were to pieces: she was in a mighty
conflict, and said, “None knows what I have gone thro’ in this sickness;
my enemy triumphs over me; it is the hour of darkness, it is more than
I am able to bear.”
*_The captive exile hasteneth that she may be loosed, and that she
should not die in the pit, nor that her bread should fail._ This
trial was the severest of all. “The devil (she said) besets me sorely,
I shall never hold out; I shall perish at last; but if I am lost I
am content: tho’ I go down to hell, let but Christ be with me, and I
will go without fear.” Here she seemed to be strengthened to endure a
greater agony. She drank of the cup which her Lord drank of, and had
fellowship in those sufferings, which made him cry out, _My_ God _my_
God, _why hast thou forsaken me_! To compleat her distress, the angel
of death came! She was struck and changed on a sudden (so that one came
and told me she was just a dying.) Then as man would judge, she let go
her hold of God: And _the spirit failed before him, and the soul which
he had made_.
*In this dreadful moment, this last extremity, this deepest distress
the human soul is capable of――the Comforter came. The Lord, her Saviour,
came suddenly to his temple, _as lightening shineth from one end of the
heaven unto the other, so was the coming of the Son of man_. He took
away the veil from her heart, and revealed himself in her, in a manner
the world knoweth not of. She broke out, “Now I know that Christ died
for me. He has washed me from all my sins in his precious blood. I have
eternal life abiding in me.”
Soon after she had found redemption, I called, and saw her in full
triumph of faith. O how unlike what she was at my last visit! _If
any man is in Christ he is a new creature._ This is the work which
despisers _will not believe, tho’ a man declare it unto them_. Her
soul was passed from death unto life, an hidden, everlasting life in
God. After we had prayed she witnessed a good confession. “I believe
in Jesus Christ; I feel the truth of these words of his, _I am the
resurrection and the life_. I have no fear, no doubt, no trouble. Your
words were true: he has fulfilled his promise.”
*Never did I behold a soul so filled. Some of her words were, “Now
indeed he has made me amends for my waiting. Blessed be God, all my
pain is nothing; I have suffered nothing. I smell the sweet odour of
the name of Jesus. His smell is as the smell of _Lebanon_. Who is so
sweet as my Beloved? My Beloved is mine, and I am his. I love Jesus
Christ with all my heart. I desire to be dissolved and to be with
Christ. But his will be done. I have no will of my own.” While I was
saying, “Doubt not, but be persuaded that neither life nor death, nor
things present nor things――” She interrupted me with “No, no, I cannot
doubt, altho’ I did doubt. I cannot fear now; perfect love hath cast
out fear. I have full redemption in the blood of Jesus.”
*To her sisters she had said before I came, “Heaven is open! I see
Jesus Christ with all his angels and saints in white. And I am joined
to them. I shall never be parted more. I see what I cannot utter or
express! Cannot you see Jesus Christ? There, there he stands, ready to
receive you all. O do not doubt of the love of Jesus: look on me! If he
has taken me into his bosom, who needs despair? Fear not, fear not. He
is loving unto every man: _I believe Christ died for all_.”
Her first words, after I left her, were, “Liberty liberty! This is
the glorious liberty of the sons of God! I know it, I see it, I feel
it. Believe, believe there is such a liberty! And he will give it you.
_I am sanctified wholly, spirit, soul and body._”
She had spent the time, while I was absent, in fervent prayer; and at
my third visit told me, “I have whatsoever I ask. I have asked life for
my mother and sisters, and have obtained it.” I took the opportunity,
and put her upon praying for the peace of _Jerusalem_, for union, and
for the preachers of reprobation, that God might open their eyes; for
my brother, and for the lambs of this fold, that they might not be
turned out of the way.
The fourth time I came to see her, they told me she had been in a
great conflict; oftentimes repeating, “I will wrestle with thee for
a blessing, I will not let thee go unless thou bless him. Bless that
soul! Give him the thing I ask.” At last, she said, “Now I am more than
conqueror. I have the petitions I ask. Not one is unanswered.”
To me, she said, “I have power with God, and with man, and have
prevailed.”
From expounding at the _Malt-room_, I returned the last time, and found
her ready for the Bridegroom. Her every word was full of power, and
life, and love. It was the Spirit of her Father which spoke in her. She
had been wrestling again, and making intercession for the saints, and
all mankind; particularly our own church and nation. Some of her words
were, “Thy judgments are abroad in the earth; O that the inhabitants of
this land may learn righteousness! Grant me, sweet Jesus, that they may
repent and live.” She prayed fervently for the society, that they might
abide in the word, keep close together, and be all of one heart and
mind. There is a curse upon them, (said she) a curse of unthankfulness;
but I have prayed my dear Lord to remove it, and he will remove it.”
When one of her sisters came to see her, who was deeply mourning
for Christ, she laboured much to comfort her, bad her look at her,
so miserable and hopeless an unbeliever lately; and assured her the
Comforter should quickly come. At the sight of her sister’s tears, O
how sweetly did she lament over her! I never saw such sympathy! The
spirit in her mourned like a turtle-dove, and made intercession with
groanings that cannot be uttered.
*All the time of her sickness, she never once complained, or shewed
the least sensibility of pain, or that she had any body at all. When
one asked her if she did not feel her pains, being then in strong
convulsions, she answered, “My pain is great, but I do not feel it. It
does not trouble me. I chuse it rather than ease; for my Lord chuses it.
Pain or ease, life or death, ’tis all one. The Spirit beareth witness
with my spirit, that I am a child of God: I have the earnest of mine
inheritance in my heart. I have no will. I am made perfect in love.”
I asked, whether that peace which she tasted above a year ago, was the
same she now enjoyed? She answered, “It was of the same kind, in the
lowest or first degree. It surely was justification.”
After I went, she said, “This day shall I be with him in paradise.
Within four and twenty hours I shall be with my Beloved.”
*She continued all night in the labour of love, making powerful
supplication for all men. About three on Sunday morning she said, “It
is finished.” All suffering even for others ceased from that moment,
and she began the new song, which shall never end. Her whole employment
now was the same with theirs, to whom she was come, the innumerable
company of angels, the church of the first-born. She sang to the
harpers harps, without any intermission, till two in the afternoon;
even while they were giving her cordials, she sang. Her hope was full
of immortality, her looks of heaven, till with smiles of triumph she
resigned her spirit into the hands of her dear Redeemer. Death wanted
all its pomp and circumstances of horror. She went away without an
agony, or sigh, or groan. She only rested; and sweetly fell asleep in
the arms of Jesus.
A LETTER to the
Rev. Mr. JOHN WESLEY.
By a GENTLEWOMAN.
_Laton-Stone_, November 8, 1764.
Reverend and dear Sir,
I HAVE never yet had an opportunity of fully laying before you, the
reasons of my coming to reside at this place, and the nature of my
employment here, which I will now take the liberty to do.
During my former abode among this people, they were often laid on my
mind in prayer, and I was often greatly comforted, by an hope, that
they would one day hear and receive the gospel.
Removing from these parts in February, 1761, those thoughts were
taken from me, for a season: but after a year and an half, being
providentially called to return hither, the same thoughts returned into
my mind. Yet I could not easily consent to leave _London_, till I had,
with my friend, laid it before the Lord; being fully persuaded, that if
it was of God, he would make plain paths for our feet.
Soon after, many outward providences confirmed us, in our belief, that
it was God’s appointment. His Spirit also shone clearer upon our souls,
and convinced us, it was a cross which he called us to take up. One day
in particular, when my friend and I were laying it before him in prayer,
he condescended to assure her, that he would _not send us a warfare at
our own charges_. I thought, _let not my Lord be angry, and I will ask_
yet one sign more. This was the settling of an affair, which seemed to
man impossible. And it was settled within a few days. O God, who can
stay thy hand?
But no sooner was my design mentioned to others, than it was vehemently
opposed, one in particular charged me not to go, saying, “It was all
a scheme of the devil.” Either that night, or the next, I dreamed
I was at _Laton-Stone_, and a great number of all sorts of people
about me. I was prest in spirit to speak to them; but being pained
at the appearance of many gay ones among them, I said, in the anguish
of my soul, “Lord, what do I here among this people?” Immediately I
thought Jesus came down, and stood just before me. The brightness of
his presence so overcame me, that there was no strength left in me. He
said, “I will send you to a people, that are not a people; and I will
go with you: bring them unto me. I will lay my hand upon them, and heal
them: fear not; only believe.” He then disappeared, leaving me quite
penetrated with his presence and his words. After having wept some time,
I thought I told the people what the Lord had said. About half seemed
serious and attentive, and desirous of being separated from the rest. I
thought I was to find them a place to meet in: in order to which, I was
obliged to walk over a floor no thicker than a wafer: however, I went
over, and not a splinter gave way under my feet. Soon after I awoke
with these words, “The mouth of the Lord hath spoken it.”
Our fears were now removed, and on March 24, 1763, we came to this
house, in obedience to what we believed the will of our heavenly Father.
We came, trusting in him; and, blessed be God, we have not trusted him
in vain.
From the first hour we found his presence with us, but did not see,
for what end we were come. We therefore _stood still to see_ his
_salvation_. Mean time we determined, to live by rule in every thing:
and in order to supply the want of the public means, from which we were
in great measure cut off, we agreed to spend an hour every evening,
part in reading to the family, and part in private prayers. The first
book we read was, “The Rebuke to Backsliders, and Spur to Loiterers.”
And glory be to God, our meeting has hitherto never been in vain.
In about a week, a poor woman whom I had formerly talked with, coming
to ask charity, desired to know, if she might not come when we went
to prayers? I told her, she might at seven in the evening. She did so,
as did two or three more soon after. We then appointed them to come on
Thursday nights. In a little time they were increased to above twenty.
We now thought it best, to talk with them, and that as closely as
we could. Some were quickly offended and came no more. Some appeared
convinced of sin. These we desired to come to us on Tuesday nights;
and the second time we met, two of them found peace with God.
A little before this, we judged the time was come to have public
preaching here. This was a close trial to _me_, such as few can
conceive, unless they have been in the same situation. But I knew,
whosoever would not _forsake all_, could not be Christ’s disciple:
seeing he had said, _If any man love father or mother more than me,
he is not worthy of me_.
We then applied to you, and the next Sunday, May the 25th, Mr. _Murlin_
preached the first sermon. This continued every other Sunday, though
not without considerable opposition. In November, Mr. _Morgan_ received
twenty-five into the society, and divided them into two classes. Ah
Lord! How many of these shall I meet at the resurrection of the just!
But a new scene now opened. The reasons on which I proceeded, I will
lay before you as plainly as I can.
From a child I have ever believed, God had appointed me for some work,
in which I should be much blest, if I was faithful; but that if I took
up with any thing less than I was called to, I should only be saved
as by _fire_. Often have I panted after an outward, as well as inward
conformity to the will of God; greatly desiring to live as the first
Christians did, when _all that believed were of one soul_, and counted
not _any of the things they possessed_ their own. But I saw the time
was not yet come; yet I could not but believe, in your day something
of this kind would be.
When I was about seventeen, the Lord was pleased to shew me, that I was
not to build tabernacles here. For none of those ways I had cut out for
myself, were such as he had appointed for me. I cannot better describe
what I then felt, than by transcribing part of a letter to a friend.
“The Lord has been merciful above all I can ask or think. I found a
greater blessing the last time I was in town than ever.”――And within
this day or two, I see much more clearly the way in which I ought to
walk. The Lord seems to call me to much more activeness, so that I am
sometimes ready to cry out, “Lord, what wouldst thou have me to do?”
Then I considered, Can I do more for the souls or bodies of those about
me? But this does not seem to be the thing. *What I am now led to wish
for is, to serve those that are in Christ, both with soul and body. And
as soon as the Lord has prepared me for his work, and set me at liberty,
my firm resolution is, by the grace of God, to be wholly given up to
the church. I plainly see, I have no more to do with the world, than to
allow myself the bare necessaries of life. And tho’ it has pleased God,
I should not have my living to work for, that is no reason my hands
should be idle. I would be as those described by St. _Paul_, _to bring
up children, to lodge strangers_, to be ready for the meanest offices,
to _relieve the afflicted_, to _visit the fatherless and widows, and
diligently follow after every good work_.”
_Epping-Forest, May 23, 1757._
I have ever since found the same impressions on my soul; and when we
came to this house, I felt a kind of rest I did not before, as if I was
where God would have me to be. But one day reflecting, that we had more
room than we wanted, and thinking, whom I should take in to fill it,
it was strongly imprest upon my mind, _He that believeth shall not make
haste_. Not long after the thought of _bringing up children_ returned.
But I was afraid of making haste; till it appeared from many reasons to
be the will of God, that we should take in one that offered. Soon after
we were induced to receive another, and presently two more. I now saw
our family would be an increasing one; as we could not bring up even
these children properly, without a person whose constant business it
should be, to teach them during the school-hours. For it was impossible
we should do it long, while we were necessarily employed in so many
other things. I knew this, and the other expences which must attend
the keeping six or seven children, would require an hundred a year
more than I had. But I remembered again, _The Lord liveth, and truly
hitherto he hath helped us_.
*Our method of educating our children is this. As our design is to
fit them for good servants, we endeavour as early as possible, to
inure them to labour, early-rising and cleanliness. We have now eleven.
Three of these, (two of whom are eleven years old, the other, between
nine and ten) rise at four. One lights the nursery fire, one mine,
the other, that below. At five, the rest of the family are called. And
when the children are drest and have prayed, they go (in summer) in the
garden from six till half an hour after, while the bigger ones make the
beds, and clean the rooms. At half hour after six we all join in family
prayer: at seven breakfast in the same room; two or three upon herb tea,
the rest upon milk-porridge. At eight, the bell rings for school, where
they continue till twelve; and then after a few minutes spent in prayer,
come to us. In winter, this is their hour for exercise, instead of the
morning and evening. In hot weather we read to them something they are
pleased with, or converse familiarly, so as (without seeming to aim at
it) to instil into them principles of religion, at the same time giving
them some kind of employ, which is rather amusement than business:
yet it just takes off the appearance of idleness. For, from the very
beginning, they have been carefully taught, never to do any thing, but
what they could give God a reason for. On this account we never use
the term _play_, nor suffer any to give them those toys or play-things,
which children are usually brought up to spend half their time in. And
when some of these were privately given, they threw them aside without
any bidding. Their recreation consists in diversifying their business,
which is varied even during their school-hours. Only the very little
ones now and then run in the garden for a quarter of an hour; but still
with a degree of seriousness; and they know it is for their health. At
one we dine: at two school begins again, except on Saturdays. At five
they return to us. About six they sup. At half after six they begin
to be washed, and at seven go to bed. Indeed in summer their supper is
sooner, so that they have an hour with us in the garden. During this
time they are all employed, some in watering, others in fetching the
water, the rest in pumping. And work of this kind they are all very
fond of.
*But O! what a want of wisdom do I find! I see in them, what I cannot
put in practice. I want the children not to be a moment from under
the _eye_ and the _attention_ of some judicious person: so that if the
eleven children were at work in so many different parts of the garden,
one might observe, that each works _diligently_. For sloth in temporals
always produces sloth in spirituals. Yet at the same time their work
must not be a _task_; for then it would not answer the end. Again,
their thoughts all the day long will naturally tend to evil. And their
words will be trifling. To _bid_ them do otherwise, avails no more,
than to bid the blackamoor be white. And to reprove them continually,
would be a burden greater than they could bear. But if by little
stories and hints, their minds could be insensibly drawn to better
subjects, they would be at length brought to remember, that God is
present, and is looking upon them every moment. When I consider this,
and many more things, which I see afar off, but cannot bring to effect,
I am constrained to say, “O Lord! I am not yet _throughly furnished to
every good work_.”
Some may say, “This is worldly wisdom, not gospel simplicity. And after
all you cannot change their hearts.” Most certain. But hath not God
said, _Train up a child in the way it should go_? Now I think true
simplicity is to obey God, and leave the consequence to him.
And we have already reason to believe, our labour has not been in vain.
There are dawnings of grace in most of the children. Some of them God
was pleased to bless in a particular manner, on the 7th of last June.
In the evening, _Betty L――――_, about ten years old, was much concerned
for one of the little ones, who had stole something. When ♦they went to
bed, not knowing they were overheard, thy began to converse freely; and
_Betty L――――_ said, “Let us go to prayer for _H――――_’s soul.” She then
prayed in a very affecting manner, afterwards one about eight, prayed,
pleading much for _H――――_, and added, “Lord, don’t let us so think
of her sin, as to forget our own. Lord don’t let us laugh and trifle,
and talk of foolish things when we come off our knees, but make us
Christians.” One of them then thanked God, for their “good corrections,
and teaching,” and said “Lord, if we are not Christians, we shall be
more punished than others.” When they had done, _Nancy Tripp_ went
in to undress them. She first went to prayer with them as usual, and
the spirit of conviction fell on _Betty L――――_ in a very uncommon
manner. We came up and found her in an exceeding great agony: she
was the very picture of terror. The veins of her neck were as if they
would burst. She wrung her hands, and cried with a bitter cry, “O my
sins!” I believe more than an hundred times. She then broke out into
such a confession of her original sin, and heart sins, as was quite
astonishing: adding, “O! I have never done any thing for _thee_ in
my whole life. I have broke all thy laws, I have kept the devil’s
commandments; I have kept none of thy commandments. May such a wretch
come to the Lord? Wilt thou receive me? Wilt thou pardon me? Wilt thou
make me a Christian? Tell me, Lord, shall I go to heaven or hell? Shall
I go to heaven or hell, Lord? O tell me! Shall I go to heaven or hell?
Wilt thou make me a Christian? Wilt thou forgive me?” She then paused
a little, and added, “But _wilt_ thou, Lord? Yes, he will, he will.
But wilt thou Lord? Yes, thou wilt, thou wilt.” Mr. _Dornford_ then
gave out an hymn. She now seemed quite calm: the horror which before
appeared in her countenance was gone, and had left a sweet smile.
Her attention seemed quite fixt. And after remaining some time with
her eyes upward, she said, “Jesus is smiling upon me.” She had at the
same time a sight of him as upon the cross, saying, “I have pardoned
all your sins; and if you pray, I will give you abundant love.” After
she had sat silent a while, she broke out, “O what a sweet Saviour he
is! He has forgiven me all my sins――All, all. Lord, thou wilt, thou
hast forgiven me.――O let them be perfectly forgiven! But shall I ever
sin again, Lord? O don’t let me sin again.” Some time after, she said,
“O what a sweet Saviour thou art! What sweet love is thine! O for more
such love, more such love as thine! But don’t let me sin again! Fill me
with love, that I may never sin again!”
♦ “thy” replaced with “they” per Errata
This scene was striking: but it was nothing to the change that followed.
She was of a far worse natural temper, then any of the children: but
now it might indeed be said, “Love made her willing heart in swift
obedience move.” So great was the change both in will and understanding,
as plainly declared the hand that wrought it.
We sometimes hope, several of them will chuse to be entirely devoted
to God. If so, they may continue together when they grow up, each
following such an employment as she is fit for, and all throwing the
produce of their labour into a common stock, and may not God be pleased
to call some young women, not brought up with us, who have a desire to
devote themselves wholly to God, to cast in their lot with us? Perhaps
some who do not want, may be glad to get out of the hurry of the world,
at least for a season, that the tender flame may not be put out, nor
any unhallowed fires mix with it. How much is something of this kind
wanted? A place of refuge for the weak and unexperienced? How often do
we see those who are just setting out in the good way, either wholly
turned aside, or at least persuaded to take up with a lower way, than
the Spirit of God at first pointed out?
But if ever this design be brought to perfection, it is God only that
must chuse the persons, and bring us together, as it is he only that
_maketh men to be of one mind in an house_. And whosoever comes to us,
must desire to be conformed to their crucified head. We can promise
them only _poverty_, _labour_ and _sorrow_, the inward and outward
cross. But when they embrace this with their whole hearts, they
assuredly experience, that in poverty is riches, in labour ease, and
in sorrow constant rejoicing.
All this is in the hand of my God, as also another thought I had,
concerning aged widows. But so exceeding great is his faithfulness,
that I know not how to despair of any thing. A few of the many
instances hereof, which we have received, you must give me leave to
mention.
I have been always led, since I had any work of God upon my soul,
to walk by faith in outward things as well as inward. Hence I have
frequently, when an object of distress presented, gone beyond my income,
believing God would make it up in the time of need. In this confidence,
I received four or five more children, though I had nothing in hand,
and more bedding and cloaths were to be bought immediately. For this we
wanted two guineas directly. Some friends sending us word, they would
call on such a day; my friend prayed, that God would put it into their
hearts to help us. They came, and one of them put two guineas into my
hand. We praised the Lord, and received it as a token for good.
Soon after we were advised to put up a poor box. I found great
reluctance to it, which convinced me, it requires less grace in some
cases, to _give_ than to _receive_. However, laying it before the
Lord in prayer, I saw it was his will, and consented. So on Tuesday,
February 1, it was put up in the passage-room, with this inscription,
“For the maintenance of a few poor orphans, that they may be brought up
in the fear of the Lord.” A few days after we took out 2s. 7d. but no
more for a great while. During this time we were much straitened, not
having the nursery furnished, nor the necessaries for the children. It
was now strongly suggested, “You see you have done wrong, and God will
not help you any more.” But having recourse to prayer, our faith was
strengthened.
Soon after, the following thought was much imprest on my mind. If
Christ was now upon earth, and in want of food and raiment, should
I be afraid to give him mine, lest I should want it myself? Should I
not rather say, “Let all I have be offered, for the necessities of my
Lord. He is well able to repay it, and if he is not, then let us want
together.” I saw the case with the children was the same, and that
_what was done to one of these, was done to him_. A light broke in upon
my mind which quite satisfied me, and constrained me to say, “Lord, thy
word is enough, thou hast said, _Love one another as I have loved_ you:
let their wants be mine, my substance theirs.”
We were now not only in want of the things above-mentioned, but of
money to keep the house. Just then a guinea was put into the box, and
soon after, another: in a few days one brought us thirty shillings,
saying, “Fear not: only believe.” About the same time we received four
guineas from another hand, which helped us through that quarter. To
avoid tediousness, I pass over many other helps which we received from
time to time; confining myself to those wherein the hand of the Lord is
more eminently to be observed.
*Some time since, being obliged to pay a sum of money in a day’s time,
and having none in the house, nor any due, I attempted to borrow it of
a friend, but could not. I tried another, and was disappointed there
also. Not knowing what to do, I went up stairs and waited before the
Lord, telling him I would yet _trust_ him and _praise_ him. Opening the
last volume of sermons, I cast my eye on this sentence, “Christ charges
himself with all our temporal affairs, when we charge ourselves with
those that relate to his glory.” It was applied to my heart with such
a power, as I had very seldom felt. And such a sense of the immediate
presence of God seized my soul as almost overwhelmed it. O what a
freedom of spirit did I feel! I could truly say,
“All my care on thee is cast.”
In the evening, a person desired to speak with me, and brought me a
little above the sum.
*In Spring we were again reduced to about one penny, and expected a
bill of two or three pounds to be brought in every hour. We looked
to the Lord, and found him again to be a present help. For while we
were consulting what to do, a basket came which one had sent us from
_London_, with some provisions, and a little parcel, in which were four
pounds, three shillings and ninepence.
In August we had an hour of trial again. The children being increased
to ten, we were in great want of linen; but how to procure it for
them we could not tell. I was unwilling to run farther in debt, having
already spent the two next quarters before they came in, nor was that
enough to pay what was owing. And I had nothing in the house. So we
agreed to lay it before the Lord together. While I was alone, it was
violently suggested, “there is so much of _self_ in all you do, that
God is rather dishonoured than glorified thereby.” I said, “Lord, I am
the purchase of thy blood. I plead that only. And I believe thou wilt
not leave me, nor forsake me.” Afterwards I felt much peace. Rising
from my knees, I opened the bible on the following words. _Acquaint
thyself now with him, and be at peace; thereby shall good come unto
thee. Then――the Almighty shall be thy defence, and thou shalt have
plenty of silver――thou shalt also decree a thing, and it shall be
established, and the light shall shine on thy ways._
I felt my soul instantly strengthened. And every word was so opened and
applied, that to this day it seems new whenever I read it: particularly
that promise, _Thou shall decree a thing, and it shall be established,
and the light shall shine on thy ways_. Indeed the whole appeared more
full and strong than I have words to express.
Two or three days after we received five guineas; the same day three
more, and two from another hand. In a little while we received four
more, with a promise of the same yearly. O my God, who would not trust
thee? Who would not take thee at thy word?
Perhaps some will wonder, how one who has so great an income as I, can
ever experience want. But _you_ know what I have. You know likewise,
that before I took any children, I every year spent more than my income,
trusting that God would supply what was lacking. Others may wonder at
my present _imprudent_ way of proceeding; but I _know in whom I have
believed_. Indeed had I sought the praise of men, I should have taken
care of myself rather than of others. For I know, _so long as thou dost
well unto thyself, men will speak well of thee_. But we have chose the
cross for our portion, and we cannot give it up.
A few days since having paid the week’s bill, my friend said, “We have
but a few shillings left.” The Tuesday following I received two letters.
Opening one of them I was a little surprised, to find a guinea inclosed,
with the following lines from one I had never conversed with.
_November 5, 1764._
“My dear child,
With much pleasure I heard your charitable design, which I pray God to
bless and succeed. Be never discouraged, though divine wisdom should
exercise you at times, even with many, great and alarming difficulties:
for this is frequently the way in which God leads his children, in
order to improve their faith and patience. But even supposing he should
not succeed this affair, according to your present plan, yet he will
never fail to bless those, who sincerely endeavour to promote his
honour, the kingdom of the Lord Jesus, and the good of souls.
“I desire that you would accept of the inclosed, and that you would set
me down as an annual contributor of the same sum. May the Lord Jesus
Christ be with all of us: forget us not in your prayers. I am, with
much respect and regard.
Your very affectionate friend.”
These lines were greatly blest to me, and I found much thankfulness.
In the other letter was another guinea inclosed, with these few words:
“I have felt your burden, and should be thankful you had more help. But
perhaps it is rather the will of God concerning you, to give you day
by day your daily bread. I pray him to be with you.” The same night one
brought half a guinea from a person unknown, who desired to be set down
as an annual contributor of two Guineas.
When a yearly subscription was first proposed, I was averse to it,
fearing it might give offence, till a very particular friend, mentioned
it to a few of her acquaintance, unknown to us. Afterwards I was
convinced, it was of God. It now amounts to about fourteen pounds a
year.
Our family at present consists of sixteen: eleven children, one teacher
for them, one servant, ourselves, and one lame with the palsy.
When I look back to last Christmas, I am astonished at the
loving-kindness of my God! What he hath done for us, and what he hath
brought us through, I can easier bless him for, than repeat! One thing
more I ask of him: And in this also he will hear me: that he would
restore sevenfold into the bosom of those he has made helpful to us,
either by prayer, by word, or by deed. And if a cup of cold water is
not forgotten before him, surely not one of these shall lose their
reward.
O Sir, we have so many mercies, I know not how to leave off recounting
them. _Now_ I see that design of God, in joining sister _R._ and me
together. It would have been impossible for me to have gone through
my present undertaking alone. I know I have neither grace for the
spiritual, nor capacity for the temporal part. It is therefore in the
greatest tenderness, that our Lord has given her to us as a mother. I
trust, both this and every blessing, shall have the effect which God
designed in it.
I am,
_M. B._
An EXTRACT of
LETTERS.
By Mrs. L****.
To the READER.
THE person who published these letters about twelve years ago, observes,
the writer of them, “never supposed they would be made public, but
put down the sentiments of her heart, in the confidence of friendship.
This may excuse the inaccuracies some may find: besides they are not
recommended as patterns of polite, epistolary correspondence. Their
merit is of another kind. It consists neither in the fineness of
the language, nor in the elegance of the manner.”――I really think
it does, as well as “in the goodness of the sentiment.” I am not
ashamed to recommend them, as “patterns of truly polite, epistolary
correspondence:” expressing the noblest sentiments in the most elegant
manner, in the purest, yea, and finest language. Yet undoubtedly even
the beauty of the language is nothing compared to the spirit which
breathes throughout. Happy they who both _taste_ her spirit and are
partakers of it: who _walk in the light as he is the light_, and know
that _the blood of Jesus Christ his Son cleanseth from all sin_.
J. W.
* * * * *
LETTERS
To Mrs. ****.
YOUR letter, my ever dear friend, has been a great blessing to me; that
you should write in the style you now do, filled me with such a sense
of mine own unworthiness, and of the goodness of God to me, that it
melted my stony heart, and drew tears from mine eyes. Oh would the God
I adore enable me to be of any help to you, how would my soul dilate in
thankfulness? Blessed Redeemer, draw us both, and so will we run after
thee. Oh Spirit of truth, descend on thine unworthy servants, and make
us _fully_ sensible of the seal of our redemption! Convince us still
more deeply of our sins, and make us still more fully to know, that
they are washed away by the blood of Jesus. Thou knowest the burdens we
labour under, the dissipations of our thoughts, our wandrings in prayer,
our spiritual sloth, and all the hardness of our hearts. Stir us up
earnestly to seek after the things of God, and fix our inconstant minds.
Thou knowest that we desire (for this desire comes from thee) that the
love of the Father may abide in our hearts. We beg thine assistance
that we may eagerly seek after this love. Oh teach us the prayer of
faith, and enable us constantly and undauntedly to press forward toward
the mark of the prize of our high calling! Be thou our guide, be thou
our comforter for ever and for ever. _Amen, Amen._
*What a task have you laid upon me? I watch over you! I your guide!
This quite overcomes me. I cannot bear it. Oh, my love, there is no
one so much wants a guide and a director as I do. Sure this letter
of your’s was particularly designed by providence to humble me; but
unworthy as I am, I will by the grace of God strive to do every thing
you desire of me: but then you must return the same to me, and take
me into the number of those you watch over. Let us go hand in hand
in these paths which lead to everlasting life. What shall I say to
quicken your steps? It was said to me since I saw you, by Mr. **** “I
hope still to have a great deal more pleasure from you, by seeing you
_press forward_.” Think these words were addressed to you by the same
person. Oh what a blessing of God accompanies the words of one who is
uniformly a Christian, of one who spends and is spent for the service
of his master, of one who has no view but the glory of God and the
salvation of souls! Who would not strive earnestly to follow so bright
an example? The very sight of such a person animates the soul in its
warfare. O what soul, which is the least alive to God, would not even
_agonize_ to be perfectly renewed after the image of Christ? Is your
heart, is my heart so dead, that this will not affect it?――Alas, I
grieve for mine own――may God give me to rejoice for your’s.
I have time for no more. May the blessing and influence of the
ever-adorable Trinity, Father, Son, and Holy Spirit, be continually
with your soul.
_I am your ever-affectionate_, &c.
* * * * *
_My dear Friend_,
I THINK you are now through divine grace, strong enough to bear what
I am going to say to you, that I have long seen a mixture of pride and
vanity even in the best of your performances. But I could hardly allow
myself to believe it. What! have I often said, shall I judge so of her,
whom every body admires for her surprising modesty and humility? Is
it not because she is more excellent than myself, and therefore I am
seeking to find some fault in her? Then I have often prayed to God, not
to suffer my soul to be deceived by any sinister views, and to perfect
in you what was wanting. And this I trust he will do for us both, if
we keep the longing eye of our souls steadily fixed upon him. Oh for
holiness of heart! Let us labour, my dear companion, for holiness, as
a dying sinner labours for life.
I had yesterday a most delightful letter from Mr. ****. It sent me to
my knees so convinced of my black ingratitude to my heavenly Father,
that I could neither find words nor thoughts sufficient to express my
unworthiness; yet at the same time my heart was full of thanksgiving,
under a sense of his unbounded mercies. O help me, my dear friend, to
be more and more thankful! Such advantages――dearest Jesus, how justly
great must be my condemnation, if I do not make suitable improvements.
Take the latter part of Mr. ****’s letter, apply it to yourself
constantly, every minute if possible. “You have need therefore to
watch and pray always, and then especially when you might seem to have
least need. You have reason to fear always: for your enemies are always
watching. But you have reason likewise to rejoice always, because he
that keepeth you never sleeps.”
* * * * *
_My dear Friend_,
I HAVE read your letter with tears, and earnest prayers to God for you,
and for myself. We are both unworthy creatures; indeed, my love, we are
_more_ unworthy than we can either express or conceive. O let us fly to
the blood of sprinkling. There and there alone can we find help.
Thanks be to God, that you have a clear view of your own heart. This
is a most profitable prospect, though a most dreadful one. Think me not
cruel, when I wish that the holy Spirit may _deeply_ wound your soul
with a sense of its corruptions. The deeper the conviction, the firmer
the peace that follows.
*I hardly know how to believe you, when you tell me you are hurried
away by desires after worldly happiness. Is it possible? Alas, my
friend, pardon the harshness of the expression, if the love of the
world is in your heart, you are only a _painted sepulchre_, beautiful
indeed outwardly, but within――――. My dear creature, I cannot bear to
think this――a Christian to be hurried away with desires and endeavours
after worldly happiness! If St. _Paul_’s character of a Christian is
right, how far are you from being a Christian? “Ye are dead,” says he,
“and your life is hid with Christ in God.”
May not these violent ragings of pride, vanity, &c. you speak of, be
some of the last struggles of a dying enemy? When the strong man armed
keepeth his house, his goods are in peace. But when there is a stronger
comes upon him to overcome him, and to take from him that armour in
which he trusted, no wonder the house is in a tumult. And this I hope
is your present case. But beware, my dear soul, of thinking, that you
never should be otherwise. Limit not the grace of God. He has only to
say, _Peace, be still_, and immediately the winds and seas obey him.
“But how to obtain this peace?” Oh my dear friend, will you follow
the advice of the meanest and most unworthy of the servants of Christ?
Look upon yourself as being only _now_ fully convinced of your guilt
and dreadful condition. Look upon yourself as a _poor, lost, helpless,
miserable creature_. Set before your eyes your sins, with all their
aggravations; and when your soul is weighed down to the dust under
a sense of your own vileness, then throw yourself at the foot of the
cross: there lie as a loathsome leper before the almighty healer:
there let your parched soul _gasp_ (with the utmost stretch of all your
faculties) after those life-giving streams which flowed from Christ’s
hands, his feet, his pierced side; and there keep the eye of your mind
fixed, until the still small voice be heard in your soul――“Be of good
cheer, thy sins are forgiven thee.”
* * * * *
I WAS in hopes, my dear, that I had cause to think you had gained
ground; but if I was mistaken, am very sorry. God forbid however that
you should have gone back: I must not for my own ease believe that.
*The reason for your not finding so much comfort as usual flowing from
the cross, is because you lay yourself too much out upon _outward_
things. I doubt not but your own will is indeed very powerful, and it
will ever be so, while you indulge yourself in castle-building. Let
your schemes be ever so good, they are (unless God had given you the
means and power to perform them) merely the creatures of your own will;
and I don’t know any thing that self-will more delights in, than in
these imaginary good projects. Believe me, my dear soul, I speak from
experience. There is nothing more encourages self-will, pride, and
every temper we ought to subdue, than these schemes. For God’s sake
strive to get the better of this folly. I know your temper is naturally
inclined to it, and therefore you ought to be more particularly
watchful. Cannot you, my love, keep your thoughts fixed on the present
moment, in a constant dependance on the leadings of the Spirit of God,
and only wishing that every succeeding moment may bring a new accession
of grace to your soul, without fixing on the particular means, by which
you would have it come? When the will is in this total resignation to
God, it brings a peace to the soul, which cannot be described.
I don’t like your going to _Vauxhall_, I think you ought to try every
possible means, to get off. Suppose you were to be sincere, and own it
was against your conscience. Pray God direct you what to do. If you are
really _forced_ to go, God will preserve your heart from the pollutions
of the place. If this is the case, I think you will be in less danger
of being hurt there, than in your visit to Mrs. ****: for in this visit
you will lie exposed to the worst enemy you have, that is, _yourself_.
With those good people, whom you love and admire, and who love and
admire you, you will without the most constant watchfulness, be
continually falling into self-seeking and self-applause.
I fear, my love, you will soon think me too plain in my speaking; but I
cannot answer it to my conscience, since what has past between us, not
to warn you of every thing which seems to me to prevent your progress
in grace. Don’t imagine though, that I wish you would not make this
visit to Mrs. ****; quite the contrary; but I wish you to keep the most
constant guard upon your own heart, that what should be for your health,
be not unto you an occasion of falling.
_I am your ever sincere and affectionate_, &c.
* * * * *
*I THANK God, that you now see the danger of wandring imaginations in
a clearer light; but I cannot guess what schemes a heart like yours
(which I should hope was desirous of nothing but what immediately
tended to increase in it the love ♦of God) can pursue, which are not
for what we call doing good. Depend upon it, my dear, if you can by
an act of your will waste a thought on any future view of happiness,
that regards only your situation in this world, you are yet far
from the kingdom of God. To a soul, that has but the _lowest_ sense
of the pardoning love of God, every thing that does not lead to a
greater sense of this love is insipid. Outward things, according to the
present circumstances we are in, ought to be attended to with prudence,
though not with anxiousness; but that soul which runs out after them
in _future_, ought to _tremble_. My dear creature, are we not every
moment on the brink of eternity, and may plunge in the next, for ought
we know? What then have we to do, but every moment to grasp after new
degrees of grace, new power over sin, a still higher sense of the love
of God shed abroad in our hearts? “Without holiness no man shall see
the Lord”――Alas! what is a life of sixty or seventy years (supposing we
could be certain of so many) to attain universal holiness? And shall we
lose a moment? Outwardly we must a great many: but still our hearts may
be gaining ground in the steady pursuit of that end, for which we were
created, and to which we have such glorious encouragements. What! shall
Christ cry out to us in vain, “Give me thy heart?” Or shall we dare
to divide that heart, which cost him so dear? O my friend, be jealous
for your redeeming God. Suffer not that soul, for which he shed his
precious blood, to stray one moment from him.
♦ missing word “of” inserted
I am sorry you found pleasure at _Vauxhall_. I could not have believed
it, had you not told me so yourself. I see, my love, I have thought
far too highly of you. What a frightful distance is there still between
you, and a Christian! Could any one who had the mind which was in
Christ have felt pleasure, where they saw God dishonoured, and their
fellow-creatures running headlong to destruction? You had reason indeed
to be ashamed, and thank God that you was so. The curiosity in regard
to the astronomical instruments might distract your mind for a longer
time, but your taking delight in these did not shew such an excessive
depravity of heart, as the other: for astronomy is only _accidentally_
made a means of dishonouring God, and hurting the souls of men; but
_Vauxhall_ is _necessarily_ so.
_I am your ever affectionate_, &c.
* * * * *
*I WRITE, my love, to you to thank you for the pleasure you gave me
last Thursday, and still to urge you more and more continually to press
forwards. Young as you are, you may perhaps be very near the end of
your course, and the time given you to work in _may_, for ought you
know, be very nearly elapsed. That form of yours, which now delights
the eyes of your friend, and seems to promise a long continuance of
health and vigour, may soon perhaps become defaced and loathsome meat
for crawlings worms, and that soul, that precious and immortal soul
of yours, which is now far from loving its Creator as it ought to do,
may soon stand naked in the sight of that God, to whom it has been
ungrateful――its day of probation past――and its lot cast for a whole
eternity. Oh my friend, my dearest companion in my pilgrimage, I
conjure you by all your heart holds dear, that you lose not a moment!
Oh may that God, who is love itself, so inflame your soul with a sense
of his love, as may consume all its dross, and make it through Christ
an acceptable sacrifice to himself! I think the last time I saw you I
had the satisfaction of observing less of _self-seeking_ in you, than
I ever did before. Sure God will give me greatly to rejoice in you.
Farewel. Whenever, my love, I think too well of you, fail not to tell
me, and take shame to yourself for deceiving me.
_I am your’s_, &c.
* * * * *
_My dear Friend_,
I THANK you for your letters, and rejoice at a great part of the
account you give me. You have been very happy indeed; and it seems to
me that God gave you this happiness as preparatory to the trials, which
were to ensue. And if you should after this goodness of God towards you,
grieve his holy Spirit, by suffering your heart to indulge any temper,
which you know to be contrary to his will, what words would be strong
enough to paint your black ingratitude? I will deal plainly with you. I
think you are now in a most dangerous situation. Every thing around you
will conspire to tempt you to the sin which most easily besets you, and
therefore you must not be _one moment_ off your guard. You must pray
without ceasing, even in the fullest sense of the words and constantly
strive to have strongly painted in your imagination _Jesus Christ_, and
him _crucified_. There is nothing I think more tends to humble us, than
the consideration of the sufferings of Christ. When you find yourself
going to say or do any thing with a view to praise, think, this temper,
this vanity of mine added to the weight of my Saviour’s sufferings,
and made more _bitter_ his cup of _bitterness_. Oh, if you had a soul
capable of feeling, if you have one spark of gratitude, can you think
this, and sin? Was you now standing on _Mount Calvary_ near the cross
of the blessed Jesus (suppose the dreadful deed was but now performing)
and you saw the Redeemer of the world just nailed to his cross, say,
would you help to drive the nails still deeper? Would you press the
thorns closer to his sacred temples? Would you help to increase that
load, which made him cry out, “My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken
me?” Does not your soul shudder at the thought? O my friend would you
not rather die, gladly die, for this your suffering Lord? Would you
not gladly be cut in ten thousand pieces to save him one pang? I know
you would. And will you not strive against that sin, which increased
his sufferings? Will you not strive, my love?――Yes, sure you will.
Is not every thing we can give up by far too small a return for what
the Redeemer has done for us? And shall we not give this little?
Above all shall we not give up what most of all separates us from him,
our _self-love_, and _self-seeking_? Think my friend when any one is
hinting to you, how extraordinary you are――“this person is ignorantly
driving me from my Saviour.” And if you should, which God forbid, find
yourself tempted to indulge a vain complacency in their applause, think
immediately how their praise would be turned into contempt, did they
know your heart as it really is, and blush for thus deceiving them.
Recollect some of the mean motives which perhaps have been the springs
of some of your most admired words and actions, and let your soul
within you be humbled to the dust. And my dear, I beg you will be
careful how you draw praise upon yourself by praising others. This is
what I am very apt to fall into; and therefore I am the more sensible
of its hurtfulness. And beware how you suffer yourself to attempt
explaining nice points of doctrine, unless it is evident there will
be good done by it, and then you may hope God will preserve you from
the pride, which generally accompanies this display of the capacity.
May you constantly walk in the light of God’s countenance, and go on
conquering, and to conquer!
* * * * *
I AM glad, my dear friend, that your visit to **** has been of such
benefit to you; and I pray God to continue it to your soul, and not to
suffer these impressions to wear off. Temptations doubtless will attend
every situation we are in; but the soul that rests secure in the love
of God will easily conquer them. I wish you may find more and more
benefit from the church prayers: they are for human compositions very
excellent, and I belief the best form of prayers that ever was put
together. I cannot reproach you for that which God has pardoned, but
you certainly ought now to be more watchful, that you fall not again;
for then great indeed would be your condemnation. The danger which
may accrue to you by going to Miss **** will I find be known to you
by experience only. She is certainly a good creature herself, and I
love her, but there is a spirit ♦haunts her absolutely contrary to the
spirit I am seeking after. She is not capable, my dear, of watching
your words with any ill design. Her only view is to find out your
errors. And if possible cure you of them. I doubt not but if you could
converse with her alone, and keep clear of disputes, she might be of
great use to you, and I hope God will bless this and every other means
to the good of your soul. The most excellent people in the world will
be of little avail, unless his Spirit assists, and with this there is
nothing so weak or mean, but what may tend to increase his love in our
hearts. *For my own part, silence and solitude seem at present best for
me, and I am more hurt by some religious people, whom I converse with,
than by the people of the world. Indeed there is scarce any, who does
not in some measure hurt me, except Mr. ****. Numberless are the snares
that lie in our way to the heavenly kingdom. ’Tis truly a warfare, and
a very difficult one, but the crown that awaits us at the end, is well
worth the striving for, even unto blood. Besides the encouragements and
comforts we find in the way are glorious: sure I am that _Alexander_
never found such joy in all his conquests, as the soul that presses
after the footsteps of Christ does in one conquest over self-will.
There is more delight in suffering for God, than in reigning with
the world. To clasp the cross of Christ close to the heart is more
happiness than angels can give; and what inexpressible satisfaction
is it to a soul, whose every faculty loves its Redeemer, to cry out,
Give me to feel thine agonies,
One drop of thy sad cup afford;
I fain with thee would sympathize,
And share the sufferings of my Lord.
♦ “haunts” replaced with “haunts her” per Errata
*Oh God of unspeakable mercy, unbounded love, how little is all we can
do or suffer for thee! Oh that we might not have a thought, nor even
a pulse beat, but for our God! What is all that earth or heaven itself
can give in comparison of thee? Oh uncreated beauty, how does every
other excellence fade away at thy presence! How does a taste of thy
love make every other love insipid! And a ray of thy light darken the
brightest of created Beings! Oh when, when shall our souls be wholly
swallowed up in thee! When shall we know thee even also as we are
known! Thou knowest the desire of our hearts. Thou seest how our souls
stretch, and pant after thee, even to fainting! Oh give us to drink of
the waters of life, even in this our pilgrimage, until we come to drink
freely of them from that river, which proceedeth out of the throne of
God, and of the Lamb for ever and ever. _Amen_, Lord Jesus.
* * * * *
_My beloved friend_,
I HAVE been admiring the goodness of God to you, in ordering your
being at _L****_ at a time, when it must, instead of being hurtful, be
profitable to your soul. The attending the sick bed of a dear relation
in danger of death, is a most glorious time for exercising a number
of Christian graces. Such a scene as this keeps the mind in a most
proper temper, humble, recollected, serious; and in your particular
circumstances, this illness of **** has freed you from most of the
snares you apprehended. How does every thing work together for good
to those who love God! And how ungrateful is that heart, which does
not strive more and more to love him in deed and in truth! What, my
love, are the inward temptations you complain of, and what are those
unaccountable scruples? The best thing you can do is not to argue about
them in your own mind, but immediately fly to prayer; and if you cannot
pray, only wish earnestly to pray. *’Tis right, that you should think
yourself the vilest creature breathing, and I am every day more and
more convinced, that every soul which really loves God must necessarily
in its own particular think the same: and in whatever proportion the
love of God increases in the soul, in the same proportion will the
sense of its own vileness and helplessness increase, till at last it
is in a manner annihilated before God. This is a point which the wisdom
of the world cannot understand, and which no scheme of doctrine can
teach the heart; but when we truly know Jesus Christ crucified, then
we can truly cry out, What! _to me_ such love? to the vilest and most
ungrateful of all creatures? O whence such love to me?
I grieve for the sin you fell into. Had the temper of your mind been
really charitable, you certainly could not lightly have spoken evil
of any one. Nothing is more contrary to the true spirit of the gospel,
than this want of universal love. And yet there is nothing so common
even among those who in most other respects are unblameable. How ought
we every moment to watch! Oh when shall we indeed be renewed after the
image of Christ! _Adieu._
* * * * *
WHAT, my dear companion, can I write so animating as your present
circumstances? God seems, I think, in a most peculiar manner to watch
over your soul for good. What interesting, what heart-affecting scenes
have you gone through? The account I had of your **** death, has made
me see the goodness of God to you in the strongest light, and I am
ready to shudder, when I think that it is possible, even after all this,
that you should again be ungrateful. Oh watch every moment! Think what
horrors and agonies you must feel, if you should now suffer your heart
to turn aside from this tender and merciful God! The circumstances you
are now in are like five talents given to your care. Remember ♦you are
to gain with them five talents more, or expect to hear these dreadful
words――_Thou slothful and wicked servant_. Your heavenly Father seems
to be making a plain way before your face. I see you in a light almost
_prophetical_. I rejoice, and yet I tremble. You seem pointed out, I
think, as an instrument in the hands of God for the conversion of Miss
****; but here you will be in danger from your old enemies, pride, and
love of teaching, and above all that self-setting-up which you have
found so difficult to overcome. O my dear love, fail not every hour
of the day to pray particularly for humility. I trust you are not in
danger from any increase of fortune. No surely. The heart of my beloved
friend cannot be so mean and low, as to pride itself in dross and
dirt. Perhaps you will find some difficulties in regard to the tempers
of your ****; how necessary will it be for you in this case to place
constantly before your eyes the meekness and lowliness of the Lamb of
God? And fear not, you will in all these things be more than conqueror
through him, who has loved you.
♦ “your” replaced with “you”
* * * * *
I PITY you, my dear friend; I saw yesterday that your head was full,
and your heart not so warm towards God as it sometimes is. Oh when
shall we be free from these distractions? Or rather when shall our love
to our Redeemer be so intense, that our hearts may be constantly fixed
on him, and we (as it were) walk through the fire without being burnt?
*I remember having sometimes said to you the beginning of last summer,
“There is more a vast deal in faith than we all imagine;” and though,
thanks to the free grace of God, we both know more of faith now,
than we did at that time, yet I may still repeat the saying, and may
continue to repeat it, till our eyes are fully opened in eternity. “All
things are possible to him that believeth,” said the God of truth; and
why then do not you and I conquer all sin? Because _we do not believe_.
The unbounded riches of the grace of God in Christ Jesus are hardly
more astonishing, than the perverseness of that soul, which will not
fully trust in them. Christ stands ever ready to save to the uttermost,
if we will but believe, that he can, and will do it; and we draw back
and shrink from his redeeming hand. We suffer the dark clouds of our
fallen nature to obscure the glorious light of the promises of God.
And though our heads may be fully convinced of their truth, and we may
have some desires of attaining them, yet there is in the centre of our
souls an hidden root of unbelief, which just as we are going to lay
hold on the prize, whispers――“How can these things be?” and then we
sink. I have heard it observed of the eagle, that she holds her young
ones full against the bright beams of the mid day sun: if they behold
it stedfastly, she nourishes them, but if they turn away their heads
or shut their eyes, she dashes them to the ground. There is something
very striking in this. A nominal believer, who makes a profession
of holiness, has all the outward marks of a true believer, as these
dastard eagles have of the others; but he cannot look stedfastly at
the glorious beams of the Sun of Righteousness: and how dreadful is the
consequence? Oh my love, how ought we to watch and pray! How careful
ought we to be not to lose sight for one moment of our immaterial sun,
lest the eye of our minds should by that means contract a dimness and
weakness, which might render us incapable of stedfastly beholding him,
when he shall appear in all the fulness of his glory. May the God of
mercy preserve you in all temptations, and be your portion in time and
in eternity.
* * * * *
_My dear Friend_,
I PRAISE God with my whole heart for your happiness and strength, and
I pray him to increase it every moment. O may that blessed peace never
leave your soul: it is eternal life begun, and ten thousands laid in
the balance with this peace would be all lighter than vanity. It is a
glorious sign, that in outward troubles, or inward temptations, you can
leave the means of your deliverance intirely to God, without suffering
your imagination to run out after the manner in which you probably may
be delivered. O that we could always venture ourselves upon the mercies
of our God! Then would he indeed work wonders for us――wonders which we
now can scarce believe, though the God of truth himself declares them
unto us. And this God will surely keep you in the dangers to which
you are going to be exposed, if you will be watchful to keep the eye
of your mind constantly turned towards him, and wait and hang upon
him, as a little child on its fond parent, drawing all your help, all
your comfort from him, and him alone. If you have but little outward
retirement, shut more closely the door of your heart, and there in
its inmost recesses commune with your God, and Redeemer, there be
continually crying unto him――Lord thou knowest all things, thou
knowest that I love thee; thou knowest, O life and joy of my soul,
that I desire nothing but to do thy perfect will, and to be conformed
to the likeness of thy sufferings, as well as to the likeness of thy
resurrection. Oh crucify in me the whole body of sin! Give me an humble,
a mortified, and child-like spirit, and in thine own good time perfect
the work thou hast begun in my soul.
As to examples which are not good, I hope I may say, that all the
effect they can have upon my beloved friend (in her present happy state
of mind) will be to drive her nearer to her God, and in that nearness
what comfort does the believing soul find?
What tho’ earth and hell engage
To shake that soul with fear;
Calmly it defies the rage
Of persecution near.
Suffering faith shall brighter grow,
As gold when in the furnace tried:
Only Jesus will we know,
And Jesus crucified.
Yes, my love, let those who stile themselves our best friends
join with the world in calling us _mopes_ and _enthusiasts_. Still
stedfastly fixed on the rock which cannot be moved, we will endure,
nay joyfully take up the reproach for his sake, who hid not his blessed
face from shame and spitting for our sakes, to make us (accursed and
lost creatures) heirs of eternal glory. Oh that his strength may but
accompany us, and the light of his countenance continually abide with
us; and then we shall not fail to go on conquering and to conquer.
_Amen._
For God’s sake avoid disputes of all kinds. I was delighted the last
time you was with me, to observe that you was greatly altered for the
better in this respect. Think not that I will omit to pray for you, and
fail not to pray for me. Oh my friend, soon will time be swallowed up
in eternity.
* * * * *
I READILY believe you, my dear friend, that you have not brought back
the same heart you carried with you: for I thought I discovered the
two last times I saw you, a falling off from the grace you had, and
the happy state of mind you had been in; but for God’s sake strive
to recover yourself before you are sunk lower. Think how dreadful
your case will be, if you should so grieve the Spirit of God, as to
cause him to depart from you. I know your heart to be ungrateful and
deceitful, and you yourself know full well how much it is so; but fear
not to search into its most hidden corruptions. Was it ten times more
vile and polluted than it is, the blood of Jesus is all-sufficient to
cleanse it. And my dear soul, let me intreat of you earnestly to seek
after a clear and constant sense of the pardoning love of God. This
only can enable you to trample all temptations under your feet: believe
me, unless you really walk in the light of his countenance, you never
can conquer all the powers and works of darkness. Oh seek the peace
which passes all understanding. You have need enough of it, I am sure,
considering the many snares you walk in. I really fear you do not
diligently seek after God: ’tis very certain they that seek shall find;
and therefore that the Redeemer is not fully manifested in your soul is
entirely owing to your sloth and negligence. How is it possible for you
to keep your ground against temptations which are continually striking
upon your senses, unless you have _in_ you the substance of things
hoped for, the evidence of things not seen? When our understandings
are clear in gospel doctrines, we are too apt to imagine our hearts
are so. My dear friend, for God’s sake deceive not yourself. Oh suffer
not your soul to rest, till you can say with full assurance of faith,
“My sins are forgiven.” Depend upon it this is the first step in true
Christianity. Oh cry to God every moment from the bottom of your heart,
and he will do more for you, than you can either ask or think. I am a
witness of his free and boundless mercy. For some days past I have been
in the wilderness, my soul weary, faint, and desolate; no rejoicing in
God; not one ray from the Sun of Righteousness: but this morning, this
blessed morning, my Beloved returned to my soul, and I rejoiced with
joy unspeakable, and could say with the fullest assurance, “My sins are
done away――Christ is mine――God the Father is my reconciled Father――God
the Holy Ghost is my comforter and guide.” *Oh my friend, my heart is
now so overwhelmed I can scarce write. I could repeat a thousand and
a thousand times over――_Christ is mine_. My soul is ready to spring
out of its prison, and I could at this moment face death in all its
horrible prospects to go to my Redeemer. Oh death, where is thy sting?
O grave, where is thy victory? My dear love, you know not what you
lose by your negligence. O seek, strive, agonize; could you suffer the
utmost tortures in body or mind, they would be all as nothing to gain
one moment of this sweetness: and Oh pray for me, that I may not by
sinning grieve the blessed Comforter, and lose my present peace. God
be with you my dear friend. God bless you both now and for ever.
* * * * *
_My dear friend_,
I MOURN for you, and may you mourn too from your very inmost soul, till
God himself gives you the true comfort. Oh thou dear backslider, what
shall I say? How shall I find words strong enough to make a lasting
impression on a heart so inconstant, so slothful, and careless? Oh
that the Spirit of God would assist my weak endeavours, and point my
otherwise unavailing words! You own you do not strive earnestly: alas I
too plainly see you do not. But the blessed Comforter strives with you,
and still you resist and grieve him. How irksome is it to me always to
write the same thing? My dear soul, for God’s sake be more in earnest.
How can you talk of sloth and carelessness, when you are standing on
the brink of a precipice? Can you promise yourself another day? And are
you fit to die in the state you are now in? Nay, are you not afraid to
die? Oh if the Lord should say of you, as of the barren fig-tree, “Cut
it down, why cumbereth it the ground,” how would you be overwhelmed
with dread and confusion? For you who know so well what are the
glorious promises of the gospel, to suffer your thoughts to run upon
worldly things is inexcusable. It seems strange, that you should think
you love Christ more than you did, when you was in a better state;
however above all things hold fast, and strive to increase this love,
but then at the same time take care that you hate sin in the same
proportion, and that you strive against it with the utmost earnestness:
for to talk of loving Christ, and at the same time to give way to sloth,
carelessness, and worldly-mindedness, is an abominable mockery. If
you are encompassed with ten thousand temptations never fear, so your
own heart consent not to them. Your blessed Master will surely help
you, if you can but trust him: and never give way, to that _seeming_
impossibility of praying. Though perhaps you cannot pray with comfort,
or with any kind of connection, yet if you be ever so distracted you
may surely cry, Lord, have mercy upon me――Jesus, pity me. Or even
supposing you could not do this from your heart, ask yourself whether
you do not desire to pray; and if you do, thank God for that desire,
and the next thought will be prayer. Could you not make the increase of
your family profitable, by joining at stated times of the day in some
act of devotion? If it were but for one quarter of an hour at a time,
there would doubtless be a blessing attending it. Suppose you were
to sing an hymn together, or by turns pray, either from some form of
prayer, or what would be better, extempore. You ought rather to be
silent, and be thought a mope, than to join in trifling discourse.
Consider, my love, you are to set an example to your young friends; and
fear not but God will deliver you from this bondage into the glorious
liberty of his children. The feeble trust you now have is the work of
his blessed Spirit, and he will increase it into an holy confidence.
Let not therefore your comfort sicken, but trust in that Jesus, who
died that you might live; to whose all-merciful bosom I commit you,
_And am your affectionate Friend_, &c.
* * * * *
_My dear Friend_,
I HOPE your present circumstances do not prevent your constant watching
over your own heart, and pressing forward in the way of holiness. In
the midst of all these prospects death may come! And are you fit to
die? We cannot too often ask ourselves this question. We cannot be
too serious. There is only a moment between us and eternity. May the
Lord Jesus so prepare us, that at whatever hour he calls we may be
ready, our lamps trimmed, and we ourselves as those who wait for the
bridegroom. Adieu, my dear. May the Almighty preserve you from all evil.
* * * * *
OF what service, my dear love, can any thing I say be of to you? I
have tried all means in my power to keep your mind more steady but
in vain. If God has at any time so blessed my letters, that they have
made any impression on you it has gone off in two or three days: and
when you have had those great benefits indeed of conversing with living
Christians, though for a time you have been raised and lively, yet
you have soon sunk into your former sloth and carelessness. There must
certainly be some hidden corruption in your heart, which causes this
inconstancy. I often study you as I would a book, but you are in truth
one of the most puzzling books I ever met with. I often rejoice to see
in you (as I think) an increase of grace, and a decrease of that pride
and selfishness, which under an appearance of humility you once had to
a great degree. The last time you was with me, I thought you greatly
advanced; and now you are fallen again into pride and selfishness. The
Lord Jesus raise you up. Indeed, my dear soul, you grieve and wound me.
You bring sorrow in my heart, and tears in my eyes: nay and sometimes
your letters tempt me to impatience; but then I immediately recollect
my own continual backslidings, and the long-suffering of God towards
me, and can I be impatient with my friend? If your want of retirement
is not owing to yourself, never lay your coldness upon that: for was
your heart sincere, God would strengthen you at all times to look up
to him. But if as you say, you trifled away your time, and indulged an
unwillingness to prayer, no wonder God with-held that portion of his
grace he would otherwise have given you. Depend upon it, whenever you
find an unwillingness to pray, that of all times is the most proper
for you to pray in; therefore never say on such an occasion, “I will go
read some good book, or do some good work, which may perhaps bring my
mind into a better frame for prayer.” No, do not so foolishly; but go,
and prostrate yourself before God with all your unwillingness; and he
will soon give you both the will and the power to praise him. _Amen._
* * * * *
_My dear Friend_,
IT is impossible for me to judge rightly, till I know more of your
affair, and then I doubt not, but God, if we ask in sincerity, will
direct us both to agree in our sentiments, as to what will be most
conducive to your eternal welfare. However thus much I can say, be
not unequally yoked with an unbeliever. To marry a man in hopes of
making him a Christian, will be leading yourself into temptation. The
advantages you speak of may doubtless be great blessings to you, if
you are very certain you can enjoy them. You ought to be very explicit
with the person, whoever he is, both with regard to your sentiments and
his own heart. You cannot imagine the continual snares you will walk
in, if you are joined to one, who is not joined to Christ; especially
if you have any fondness for him. As in a married state there are more
allurements to draw the mind from God than in a single one, so (if
the companion be a Christian) there are also advantages in it, which
perhaps may almost make the balance even. But how dreadful will it be,
if he who should be your help, prove to you an occasion of falling?
Above all things, my dear, try the sincerity of your own heart. Examine
well whether you can accept this offer with a single eye to the glory
of God, and the good of your own soul; and fear not, if you ask counsel
of God in faith nothing wavering, that he will give you freedom of mind,
either to accept or refuse as will be most profitable for you.
I do not wonder that your soul is at present distracted with
worldly thoughts. An affair of this kind always occasions a thousand
distractions, especially where it is in suspense. I fear your increase
of company does not at all add to your spiritual happiness. The Lord
Jesus bless you: I pity you. What need have we of continual assistance
from above? How do we walk as on burning coals? O let us strive for
that state of mind, in which we can say, nothing gives me pain but what
is contrary to the will of God, and tends to draw my soul from him;
and nothing gives me pleasure, but as it is agreeable to his will, and
tends to draw my soul nearer to him. _Amen._
* * * * *
_My dear Soul_,
I AM glad to write to you once more under the name of ****, and I hope
God will give me strength to say all I wish at this important juncture.
Important it is indeed to you; and the nearer the time approaches,
the more I feel for you. Alas, you are now plunging into difficulties,
which you can have no notion of until you experience them. You will
have need of more than double watchfulness. Oh cry earnestly to God for
grace and strength to keep your soul from sinking under the delusive
arguments, which your three grand enemies, the world, the flesh, and
the devil will be continually attacking you with in your new state of
life. You know, my love, in all our intercourse, I have not failed to
set before you the disadvantages and distractions you must necessarily
meet with in a married life. This I thought it my duty to do, though
your intentions in regard to marriage were always founded upon
Christian motives. Had I found you inclined to dedicate yourself
more particularly to God in a single state, I should doubtless have
encouraged that inclination; but as this was not the case, and I did
not dare absolutely to dissuade any one from marrying, I have therefore
only strove to guard you against the evils attending that condition,
and pray God grant you may find them overbalanced by the good. The
first evil, which people are apt to fall into when they marry, is an
extreme selfishness: this I have seen most flagrant instances of, but
then the people were not Christians. Oh my friend, remember you have
taken upon you the sacred name of Christian. The next thing which our
sex in particular is very subject to, is a pretty indolence of soul,
and a kind of hugging themselves as though they were become people of
vast consequence; and then all they say or do, and every thing which
belongs to them, is of importance. You will think perhaps there is
no danger of your falling into any thing so low and silly as this;
but do not think so, for without extreme watchfulness it will steal
imperceptibly upon you, and if you once grow important, the flood-gates
of worldly-mindedness will be set open, and your faith, your love,
and peace, will be borne away by the impetuous torrent. The Lord Jesus
bless you and keep you, and grant that in all the changes of this
mortal life, your heart may there be fixed where true joys are to be
found.
_Your ever-affectionate_
****
* * * * *
_My dear Friend_,
I KNOW not how to assume to myself the character you mention, and yet
I dare not neglect to do any thing, which you tell me may be of benefit
to your soul. I know God can convey blessings by the meanest instrument,
and relying wholly on his power and goodness, I enter again into this
correspondence. You complain that I have not lately been so watchful
over you as usual: In writing I certainly have not, and you know the
reason; but as to speaking, if I have there failed, it is entirely
owing to my being so apt to think highly of you. I fear in this I may
have dealt with you as with my own heart――judged too favourably of
both. May God give me a clearer insight both into you and into myself.
*I doubt not but your present condition contributes greatly to your
being more in earnest, and you have need to lay up all the strength
you can against what may be a time of trial indeed. I am glad you
found such a blessing on Sunday. I doubt not but the greater degree of
light and joy you have, the more you will be assaulted by temptations,
and these perhaps not only of a strange, but also of an impertinent
and ridiculous kind. The devil will sometimes play the buffoon: but I
have found the best way of dealing with these temptations was not to
combat them, but to let them pass through the mind, as you would let a
troublesome croud of people pass by your door without regarding them.
*The speaking evil of your neighbour before you are aware, though it
has not all the blackness of premeditated evil speaking, yet it is a
sure sign, that you have not that spirit of love, without which the
highest attainments are but as sounding brass, and as a tinkling cymbal.
I often am sorry to see how much this divine temper is wanting amongst
religious people. For my own part, I stand self-condemned in this,
though it is a sin, which I have even a natural aversion to; and I
fear there are but few hearts in which this root of bitterness does not
grow almost imperceptibly. However, the Captain of our salvation can
give us to tread even this enemy under our feet. Let us therefore go
on, nothing discouraged, trusting in his help, and following his steps,
until we apprehend, that for which we are apprehended of this divine
leader.
_Your ever affectionate and faithful_, &c.
* * * * *
_My dear Friend_,
*MR. _V._ has desired me to meet Dr. **** at his house; but though
I honour the character of that worthy man, yet I rather _fear_, than
_desire_ to do this. I really now dread the being set up as something
to be thought well of. I see such a depth of pride and self-love in
my own heart, that I dread any thing, which can give the least food
to these hellish tempers. I am well satisfied, that there can be no
perfect peace, no perfect love, till these be done away. Was not the
blessed Jesus _meek_ and _lowly_ of heart? Was not he despised and
rejected? And we? Oh, my dear love, tremble for yourself and for me.
We are esteemed, admired, and sought after. Do we not, think you, tread
upon burning coals? How dangerous, how difficult to act for the glory
of God, without sacrificing something to self? And this self is all
that separates from God――this self is all that keeps the blessings
both of time and eternity from our souls. Oh let us learn, and know and
feel, that we are nothing, and that God is all in all. Certain it is
that unless we die with Christ, we cannot rise to his life. Unless we
are crucified with him here, we cannot reign with him hereafter. Let
us then nail our corrupt nature to his cross, and continually mortify
every temper that is contrary to his perfect will. Suffer we must;
but the love of God will make all sufferings sweet, and his grace will
enable us to conquer all difficulties. I rejoice at the victory, which
you tell me has been given you over (I suppose) some reigning sin. Is
not this encouragement to press forward? If you would preserve constant
peace and recollection, look more into your own heart, and lay not out
yourself too much upon others. I have seen so much of the ill effects
of this, that I dread it both for you and myself. Watch continually.
_Your ever affectionate_, &c.
****
* * * * *
YOUR letter, my dear life, has given me great pleasure. This is indeed,
as it ought to be. And Oh by no means suffer this anxious desire after
God, this thirst after holiness to abate; only let it be mixed with
that kind of resignation, which implies a willingness to suffer, so you
may be kept from sin. The pain you speak of I rejoice in. Oh my love,
this is right; and may you more and more be conformed to Jesus Christ,
and him crucified. A soul thus pained, thus longing, thus struggling
for salvation, and at the same time lying low at the foot of the
cross, and crying, “Lord thy will be done,” is an object in which the
holy angels rejoice, nay on which God himself looks down well pleased.
To such a soul every gospel blessing is near at hand. The Sun of
Righteousness is on the point of rising in it with healing in his wings;
the eternal Comforter is ready to witness with it, that it is born of
God, and to fill it with that peace, which passeth all understanding.
The blessed and adorable Trinity is ready to raise it from its fallen
state, and to perfect the new creation. What encouraging prospects!
Only let not this happy pain be taken from you by any comfort the world
can give, but hold it dear to your heart, as light to your eyes, till
God himself change it to joy unspeakable.
*I have long thought that to wish for any thing, but the salvation of
our own souls and that of others is wrong: because in nothing else can
we be sure that our wishes are agreeable to the will of God. I do not
know how to believe, that you could wish for more riches; and if the
being pleased with the thoughts of gain proceeded only from this motive,
that you thought God was putting it more in your power to relieve the
necessities of others, I would not dare to condemn you: but it is so
difficult to take any satisfaction of this kind without some mixture of
worldly-mindedness, that we cannot be too careful in this respect; nay
we ought rather to fear lest we should not be found faithful stewards
of the talents put into our hands, as knowing, that both in spiritual
and temporal blessings, “To whom much is given, of them shall much be
required.”
* * * * *
_My dear Friend_,
IF it should please God to make any thing I write of benefit to your
soul, I should greatly rejoice, but without that my words will avail
nothing. And really the account you give of yourself at present is so
strange, that I know not how to speak to you, or whether harshness or
love is most necessary. This I know, that my own soul is greatly pained
for you, but I dare not flatter you, “If any man hath not the Spirit
of Christ, he is none of his;” and doubtless to take a pleasure in
exposing the faults of others is a temper as distant from the Spirit of
Christ, as hell is from heaven. *Believe me, my dear life, if the love
of God reigned in your heart, you would rather cover than expose the
faults even of the vilest of men. And when obliged for their own good,
or the warning of others, to speak to the disadvantage of any one,
you would do it with _fear_ and _caution_, at the same time looking
up to God, lest any bitterness should mix, either with your thoughts
or words. _God is love_, and infinite streams of love are perpetually
flowing from him through all created nature. His acts of judgment as
well as mercy are only acts of love, and designed either to remove
or to lessen the evils occasioned by the fall of angels and of man;
and the soul which is born of God will as necessarily partake of this
divine principle of universal love, as the child you now carry within
you partakes of your corrupt nature. You have great reason then to
tremble, while this temper has any footing in your soul. Don’t sit
down contented, because you have intervals of recollection, but wrestle
mightily with God in fervent prayer, until he speak peace to your
soul, and his love be shed abroad in your heart, before which this
evil disposition will fly as a mist before the morning sun. You greatly
affect me by what you say in regard to the expected hour of danger;
but fear not. No creature on earth can be more unworthy than I am; and
the God of mercy protected me, and gave me strength, and courage, and
calmness; and I doubt not but he will shew the same mercy to you: nay
I have a strong confidence he will in your hour of extremity give you
a clearer sense of his pardoning love, than you have yet experienced.
Fear not, only believe, “All things are possible to him that believeth.”
It has pleased God within these few days to give me a severe trial, and
eternal glory be to his name, I have stood it, crying only, _Lord, thy
will be done_. My little boy was taken on Saturday evening with strong
convulsions, and between that time and Sunday evening, had I believe,
full forty fits. He is now much better. God is ever merciful: he brings
to the borders of the grave, and raises up again. O how good it is to
suffer? How glorious to have grace triumph over nature? How sweet to
lay low at the foot of the cross, and bless God for every thing which
more conforms us to the suffering Jesus? Be watchful, and earnest.
_Adieu._
* * * * *
_My dear Friend_,
*WHERE the consideration of the prophecies is a means of stirring any
one up to greater diligence, or making them sit looser to the things
of this world, and seek more earnestly after the things of God, they
cannot consider them too attentively. Every soul should carefully
observe that way, in which God particularly leads it, and punctually
follow every means which it finds by experience brings it nearer to God.
Some are awakened and brought low by meditating on the severe judgments
of God; others are melted down by reflecting on his mercies. Some are
employed usefully to themselves, and it may be to others, by accurately
considering the several amazing dispensations of God in the whole
scheme of our redemption. Others by a more simple and general view of
God, as infinite wisdom and infinite love, rest calmly on his will,
and though in a lower and less shining way, pursue the same end, viz.
salvation by the blood of the Lamb from the power as well as from the
guilt of sin, and union with the pure fountain of all happiness. All
these ways are good in themselves, and are made so to every soul, which
in _them_ follows the leadings of the Spirit of God. But I may make
that, which is good in itself, evil to me, by using it _only because_
another thinks it right, and not because I find it the means which most
unites my soul to Christ; and therefore we ought never to blame any one
for not being affected by that which affects us.
’Tis very certain that the judgments of God are now abroad in the earth,
and that some of the signs of the last times plainly appear; this
(whether the calculation in the letter be right or wrong) is obvious
to every one, and calls aloud for seriousness and watchfulness. Happy
are those who shall stand unmoved in the time of temptation. Happy are
those who when all nature is agonizing around them can fly to the only
rock of refuge, and there find shelter from the storm, and shadow from
the heat. But above all happy are those, who shall have the glory of
suffering for their Redeemer, of sealing their testimony with their
blood, or in the midst of the fire shouting for joy, and blessing God
for a martyr’s crown. These, these are glorious prospects, and weak as
we are, should God honour us with a trial like this, he would also give
us strength to be more than conquerors. In the mean time let us not be
weary or faint in our minds, but manfully fight till we obtain complete
victory over our evil hearts; and then shall we stand with humble
confidence even before our judge, and though all nature was dissolved,
we should remain unshaken, and be wholly swallowed up in joy full of
glory. Amen, Lord Jesus.
* * * * *
_My dear Friend_,
*I THANK you for your last letter, and I bless God, that you was
not offended at mine. This bearing of plain-dealing is a comfortable
proof to me of your sincerity. If temptations increase, God will
give a proportionable increase of strength. There wants nothing but
faithfulness on your part to the grace already given. I know not the
particulars of your sufferings, but I know it is good to suffer. It
is a discipline all must go through, who make any tolerable advance
in the school of Christ. I could wish you to seek more after religion,
than comfort. Constant and heart-felt resignation is a bulwark against
every trial, and a foundation for solid peace, and joy transcendently
pure. The whole state of a soul made perfect in love stands in that one
petition, _Thy will be done_: and if we could but preserve that temper
which these words describe, I know not what could hurt us. Suppose
now when I first wake in a morning I should lift up my heart, “Lord
I bless thee for this new day which thou hast given me. In this day I
shall have fresh manifestations of thy will concerning me, either in
comforts or in sufferings. Lord, I am thy creature, deal with me as it
shall please thee: only leave me not to myself, but let thy grace be
sufficient for me, and thy strength be made perfect in my weakness.”
When settled in this frame of mind, suppose my trials to begin. I
am tempted by the perverseness and evil tempers of my own family to
impatience, to anger; but I immediately recollect myself, “Lord it is
thy will I should bear this; pardon their perverseness, and give me
to be thankful for every opportunity of self-denial and forbearance.”
Well! now another, and more difficult trial appears. I am to behave
to people, whom I know to be my bitter enemies, whom I know to be
continually seeking occasions of evil against me, as if they were my
dear friends. Here every faculty of the soul is alarmed, and nature
shrinks back affrighted. But what does grace say? “Lord I thank thee
for this glorious trial! What a blessing is it I should be permitted to
drink of the same cup my Saviour drank of! Oh bless these mine enemies;
fill their hearts with thy love; let thy will be perfected both in them
and me.” This temptation is conquered, but another and a more trying
one immediately succeeds. I am treated unkindly by people I love, and
who are really my friends. Here my heart is wounded, it sinks, it is
ready to faint; but recovering itself it rests upon God, and says,
“Lord, even in this, thy will be done, and let the sufferings of Christ
be perfected in me, that I may be also a partaker of his glory.” In
this manner one might instance in all kinds of affliction, and find
comfort and strength in each.
I know not how to think so meanly of you, as to imagine your heart in
danger of being drawn away by the world. But I know I am always apt
to set you in too high a light, and it may be so, in this case; this
one thing however I am sure of, that we are fighting for eternity, and
this against innumerable enemies, dangerous ones without, but far more
dangerous ones within. If the Lord himself was not on our side, how
could we maintain our ground one moment. To his almighty protection I
commend you and yours, and am
_Your ever-affectionate_, &c.
* * * * *
To the Rev. Mr. ****.
_Dear Sir_,
I AM much obliged to you for your kind concern on my account. My
illness I believe is rather troublesome than dangerous, a disorder in
my stomach, which has been attended with a slight fever. I was ill,
when you and Mr. **** were to see me though I did not complain, and
I looked upon it as a particular blessing: for had my spirits been in
their full flow, an event so much wished, would have too much elated
me: but my disorder served to keep the balance of my mind even. I see
the goodness of God to me in every thing, and therefore sickness or
health, life or death are equally welcome to me, as coming from the
same gracious hand. Nature, its true, shrinks at suffering, but grace
triumphs in resignation, and is thankful for the dispensation of the
present moment, without wishing or willing in regard to the future. But
I hope to learn some lessons of this kind from you next Sunday. Till
then farewell, and may the fulness of every gospel blessing rest upon
your soul.
_Your’s_, &c.
****
* * * * *
_Dear Sir_,
THE judgments of God upon _Lisbon_ are dreadful indeed. I know not what
heart can be hard enough to hear of them without concern. What but the
amazing mercy of a long-suffering God can prevent _London_ from feeling
the same dreadful blow! And if God should arise to shake terribly our
land, what great reason will those persons have to be thankful, whom
God has drawn from all worldly schemes of happiness, and fixed their
hearts on a basis, which can never be shaken, though the earth be moved,
and the mountains cast into the midst of the sea? I have been much
comforted in respect of the miseries of others by this scripture――_When
the judgments of God are abroad in the earth, the inhabitants thereof
will learn righteousness_. If such a blessed end is produced by these
severe acts of justice, have we not reason even in the midst of terror
to admire and adore? The whole universe appears to me to be in the
hand of God, as a grain of dust in the balance; and I, a creature more
insignificant, more worthless, and sinful than can be conceived, am
among the rest in this almighty hand, and _all is safe_. My heart is
by nature painfully tender, and yet in the midst of feeling, either
for myself or others, there is a secret satisfaction in my inmost
soul, that God is glorified in every act of his providence, whether of
judgment or mercy; and I hardly know how to form any other prayer than
_Thy will be done_.
I fear I shall not see you on Thursday;――――but wherever you are, may
the God of all consolation be your light and your shield, and bring you
safe to that city, which has eternal foundations.
_I am your ever-obliged friend and servant_, &c.
* * * * *
*BY what you said to Mr. **** when he had the pleasure of hearing you,
I imagine you think my illness is owing to a cause of which I am by no
means certain; however the bare probability of such a charge would not
be without my immediately reflecting on the dangers and temptations
that would attend it. A soul, that is really desirous of attaining
the _pure_ love of God, is exceedingly jealous of any thing that has
a possibility of drawing it from its centre of happiness, and looks
upon any event which has this possible tendency (let the world term
it blessing or misfortune) with a tender, anxious fear, which none
can understand but those who have felt it. This was my case, and my
imagination would sometimes paint a thousand instances which _might_
draw my soul down to earth. And this fear (though it never made me
wish any thing but what was the will of God) would bring the tears to
my eyes, and cause an uneasiness, which doubtless proceeded from want
of faith. But that God whose mercies are renewed every morning, soon
delivered me from those fears, and calm peace, perfect resignation and
watchfulness succeeded. And for this fortnight past, though I have been
in continual uncertainty, whether I should continue in the condition I
am thought to be in or not, my mind by the all-sufficient grace of God
has been so equally kept, that I have not had the least wish or choice
of my own, but have been equally pleased with whatever seemed to be the
leadings of Providence concerning me. And you cannot think, what a work
of annihilation this uncertainty has been the means of carrying on in
my soul, which I see plainly in the nature of things could not so well
have been effected by any other. I never can be enough thankful for
the unspeakable mercies of God to so unworthy a creature. My will has
been brought into deadness, which I, even a _few months_ ago, should
have thought almost impossible; and I see, and have some foretastes of
that state which is called the pure and disinterested love of God, in
a manner I cannot express.
I should be very glad to see you when your affairs will permit, for
I have not had one help from without since I saw you last; nor have I
had _many_ of those joys and comforts from within which have sometimes
been indulged me. And indeed my animal frame would have been too weak
to have borne them, unless God had in a particular manner supported
it: for every faculty of my soul has been weighed down by continual
sickness. I have not only been incapable of any outward application,
but also of intense thinking or fervent prayer. But in the midst of
this _my_ weakness, the strength of God has more abundantly been made
manifest, that I might be abased even to the dust, and his free grace
exalted; so that I well understand what St. _Paul_ meant, when he said,
_Therefore will I glory in weakness, in distresses, that the power
of Christ may rest upon me_.――But I must finish this already too long
letter. Farewell! May the dew of heaven continually refresh you!
****
* * * * *
_January 19, 1756._
_Dear Sir_,
I AM much obliged to you for your letter, from which I have learnt
a very useful lesson, viz. Never to fancy that the particular
circumstances of others would be more advantageous to me than my own.
You are ready almost to envy _me_ my _many_ hours of retirement; when
at the same time, I am continually complaining that I have so _few_,
and often crying out, when _shall_ I have a _whole day_ to myself?
And then I frequently think, were I a man and in the ministry, my
time would then be _all_ spent for God; but _now_, what an inundation
of trifling flows in upon me, which ’tis impossible for me to avoid,
without altogether going out of the world.
I enter upon the subject, on which you bid me write with fear and
trembling. My abilities are really far from being equal to it: for
although I know many Christians, who would immediately cry out, that
it needed not one moment’s consideration, I dare not do so; for I now
really _feel_ the weight of it upon my soul. *’Tis a most alarming
truth, that a minister may speak with the tongue of men and of angels,
and that the power of God may so accompany his words as to make them
the means of converting thousands; and yet for want of duly searching
into his own heart, he may suffer it to be overgrown with poisonous
weeds, with tempers and inclinations, which if unsubdued, will
absolutely shut _him out_ from the kingdom of glory, to which he is
leading others. How easy for a man who is continually setting forth the
glorious truths of the gospel, and inforcing holiness of heart and life,
to imagine (for want of constant self-examination) that _he himself
is_ what he preaches? This is a most dangerous snare; and therefore how
absolutely necessary is that retirement which affords opportunity for
a diligent search into the recesses of the heart, and gives the soul
leisure to wait in awful silence before God, where, free from every
object of sense, and from the workings of imagination, it may with all
its faculties prostrate before the eternal Trinity, and feel itself
to be nothing, and God to be _all in all_? But then it may be asked,
shall not a man who with singleness of heart, spends and is spent for
the service of God, be so kept by divine grace, that his soul shall
suffer no loss by the want of retirement? Doubtless. Where _sincerity_
and _singleness_ of heart are preserved, that soul shall be defended
as with a shield. But this I take to be the grand temptation of every
minister of the gospel; he sets out perhaps (though this is not always
the case) with a single view to the glory of God and the salvation of
souls. The power of God accompanies his words, the hearts of the people
fall under him. His reputation daily increases, till at last he becomes
popular. He sees himself surrounded by a croud of people, who for the
most part hear him as an angel of God, their thirsty souls gasping
after the truths he utters. An innocent and an _holy_ joy fills his
heart; “Here are souls that may be won to Christ, and that _by me_!
Lord, what amazing love, that I who am the least of all thy servants
should be thus blest!”――So far all is well, all is happy: but the
subtil enemy of mankind so strongly impresses this, _by me_, that a
self-complacency, separate from the glory of God, arises in his heart,
and this, if not immediately quelled, leads him to the brink of a
precipice. God still, for the sake of others, continues his usefulness;
but every conversion which he is the means of making, is fresh food for
his self-love; and by degrees he becomes so dead to the love of God,
that he preaches even the purest doctrines of the gospel, with the same
spirit, with which a lawyer pleads at the bar. But on the contrary,
that _blessed servant_ of Christ who stedfastly pursues the narrow
path, who conquers every rising of self-love in its first appearance,
and constantly refers all the good he does or speaks to the author and
giver of all good, _he_ shall be kept in all his ways, and blest in all
his works. And though his soul may pant for retirement, as thinking he
should there enjoy nearer communion with God, and make higher advances
in the divine life, this _may not_ perhaps be immediately permitted
him: but in order that his future crown may be the brighter, _God may
make_ his present usefulness a _sure sign_ to _him_, that he ought
to continue his constant labours for others, though it should be with
much temptation, fear, and trembling. However this is very certain,
that God to a servant _thus sincere_, will point out a plain path,
either by _inward leadings_ which cannot be mistaken, or _outward
providences_.――Adieu! Pardon the weakness of this; let me see you the
first time you have to spare, and believe me
_Your ever obliged and affectionate servant_,
****
* * * * *
_Dear Sir_,
WHATEVER the Spirit of God makes useful to my heart, either from
scripture or from spiritual authors, I thankfully receive, and give him
the glory: but I well know there is but one great touch-stone, by which
all doctrines are to be tried; and therefore I hope your kind fears
for me, lest I should not enough esteem the written word of God, are
needless. I am so far from setting any human writer on a footing with
this, that I scarcely _read_ them at all, _i. e._ in comparison of
my bible. I _look_ over some few, but this is very different from the
manner of reading you recommend, and which I strive by the grace of
God to practise; nay, it would be the greatest slavery to me you can
conceive, if I were obliged to read many religious books: however I
return you the sincerest thanks for your care, and beg you will _in
all_ things watch over me with a “godly jealousy.”――But my dear friend,
could you imagine that I enquired after the _state_ of your _mind_
according to the _common acceptation_ of the word? I only desired to
know what spiritual blessings you had both from without and within,
that I might share them with you. And this I was emboldened to do by
the sweet account you had given in your former letter, of the blessings
you enjoyed at _Bristol_. The Lord refresh your soul continually with
the rich streams of his redeeming love, and may his everlasting arms
be beneath you! I know your present state, of hanging as it were in
suspence between the visible and invisible world, is a dispensation big
with divine love. And was I to pray for you that prayer which my soul
most loves, it would _be_, “that you _should_ lie in the hand of God
as an instrument, without choice, till the will of God was perfected
in you.” This would be the prayer of pure love and enlightened faith;
but if I descended to the tenderness of friendship, I should ask your
speedy recovery. If it should be given me to see you again in this
world of vanity and woe, I shall be thankful, and perhaps it may be so:
but I know not――_something_ seems to whisper me that the thread both
of your life and mine is nearly spun. For my part, I have within these
few days had a sweet call to eternity, by a sudden and violent disorder
in my stomach and bowels (called according to the fashionable phrase
a _nervous_ cholick) which seems to have set me a good way forwards
on my journey. Happy pain! Kind messenger! O my friend, I have nothing
but mercies to tell you of. So supported! Such wonderous grace! Such
boundless love! _I_ all sin and misery: the _Saviour_ all tenderness
and mercy: the _probable_ approach of death delightful: no sting
remaining. No clog upon my chariot-wheels. Mercies too from without
which I had never before experienced in a time of sickness. The Rev.
Mr. **** praying and singing by my bed, with such power of faith and
love, such unction from above! Does this hurry the spirits? Does this
endanger? How far from it? I protest not only my soul rejoiced, but
even my body grew better as he prayed. Do not fail to thank God on my
behalf, and pray for me that I may not be ungrateful to such amazing
mercy. May the Lord Jesus preserve you, sweeten every pain, and make
you rejoice continually with joy unspeakable and full of glory.
_Your ever-affectionate and obliged friend_,
****
_June 7, 1756_.
* * * * *
_June 15, 1756._
_Dear Sir_,
YOUR very kind letter has pained me extremely, but I hope it has been
made a means of humbling my soul before God. How little do I deserve
that you should write to me in this manner? Alas you do not know me; I
am less than the least of all the mercies of God; do not, I beseech you,
think so highly of me; it really makes me ashamed of myself. Oh that
I could be lower than the dust! Oh that I could shrink into nothing
at the presence of my God! The way too in which you speak of yourself,
puts me in a strange dilemma, I dare not pay religious compliments, and
yet how shall I write to you, as if I believed you? How much greater
has your cross of sickness been than mine? So long, so lingering,
such inconveniences as it lays you under. But yet this is certainly
_no_ excuse for a soul, _taught_ of _God_, as _your’s is_, to wish
its removal. *Did you _indeed wish_ for any thing but sanctification?
Surely, my dear friend, you wrong yourself; it cannot be. Oh remember
the glorious path you have often pointed out to me, of perfect
resignation! I have considered you as a pattern to me, _particularly_
in _this_. I must not think that _you_ have any “reluctance to bear the
cross;” it would wound my heart too much. Do I not know, that you love
God above all things? Do not I know the sincere desires of your soul
after holiness? And is there any way in the spiritual life, which so
immediately leads to holiness, as _willing suffering_? Happy are those
to whom God gives the grace of _doing_ much for him, for his cause,
for his people; but _ten times_ more blessed are they who _suffer_
with Christ. Is there a joy absolutely pure? It is that of suffering.
Oh did we but know the health, the peace, the life that is at the
bottom of every bitter cup; with what alacrity should we drink it?
With what thankfulness, nay, with tears of joy, should we cry, Lord,
what unbounded mercy, what astonishing grace is this, to a worm like
me; that I should be led in this _most excellent_ way; that I should
be made to tread in those footsteps which are _most eminently_ thine?
Dearest Saviour, sweet is thy cross, sweet is thy thorny crown; thy
stripes, thy wounds, thy pain, _more_ delightful than beds of roses.
Let other souls glory in mount _Tabor_; _my_ joy shall be to stay
with _thee_ on mount _Calvary_, that I may be made conformable to
thy death. Such would be the language of a soul truly sensible of the
great benefit of suffering, and embracing, with sweet complacency, the
cross, which thus united it with its Redeemer. May this be the language
of your soul and mine; then shall we be found unshaken in the fiery
trial, and come out as gold purified seven times. But after all, what
suffering have I had in this illness? It can scarce be called suffering,
when God sensibly supports. The suffering is when _he_ leaves the
soul (as it were alone) in pain or in affliction, to struggle with
the powers of darkness, which at such a time eagerly beset it. _This
I have sometimes known_, and _this_ is _suffering indeed_.――I have the
same confidence in God for my dear Mr. ****, that you have. Was I to be
removed, I doubt not but it would be made a means of good to his soul;
but it seems at present to be the will of God that I should continue
some time longer. My inward weakness is not so great, and my pain,
though pretty constant, is so slight, that it is scarce worth the
mentioning. I thank God that your health is returning, and trust we
shall meet again on this side the river; but in the mean time pray
earnestly for _me_. I fear ease more than pain. Farewell! May you and
I constantly join in this prayer, “Thy will be done in us, and by us,
in time and in eternity!”
_Your ever-obliged and affectionate friend_,
****
* * * * *
_July 1, 1756._
_My dear Friend_,
I RECEIVED your letter with much thankfulness, for I began to be very
uneasy at not hearing from you in so long a time. And you have for
these two days lain with such a weight on my spirit, that I know not
how to account for it. I well know the manner in which the praise you
bestowed was meant. But you know not how I dread self-complacency.
And therefore though I often find that praise humbles me, yet it gives
me a pain I know not how to express. I have indeed often heard you
speak those words you mention, but they never affected me till now.
And did you speak them “in the bitterness of your soul?”――Call me no
more your friend! I am not worthy the name. How often have I heard
them with unconcern, looking on them only as words of course, a kind
of common-place humility. Will you forgive me? I promise you for the
future I will pay more attention to every thing you say. I will not,
by the grace of God, be so indolent and so faithless in the things
which concern you as I have been. I know I am apt to think too highly
of those I love, and I hate to be disturbed in the thought. You cannot
imagine how ingenious I am in casting these burdens from me: a latent
fear of displeasing, and a false humility, furnish me with arguments.
“Why would I pretend to speak so and so, to people so much more
advanced in grace than myself?” Not considering that God can work by
the weakest and most unworthy. But cannot I pray for you? Oh my friend,
if ever I _have_ been wanting in ardent prayers for you, I hope never
to be so again. That communion of spirit which I have with you in the
life of Christ, shall I trust add wings to my prayers on your behalf,
and gain new degrees of strength to my own soul.
*Your last letter is a comfortable earnest to me, that I shall at least
have one companion in the way which God has sent me to walk in, _the
way of the cross, the inward crucifixion_, as you so justly call it;
(thanks be to God for this refreshment to my spirit!) Many speak of
this, and because St. _Paul_ mentions the being crucified with Christ,
they preach about and about it; but I see plainly that you not only
_speak_ but _feel_.――And _do_ you know _so much_ of the _bitterness_ of
the creature? The Lord be praised! May you daily know it more and more!
I am sure this experience will only make the hidden manna the sweeter.
And I am equally sure, that those bitter draughts are absolutely
necessary to every soul that would _wholly_ give itself up to God. ’Tis
easy to talk of the will being perfectly resigned, swallowed up in the
will of God, &c. And while this only floats as a notion in the brain,
no great sufferings will attend it. But when the soul really feels
what this implies, that it is a being cut off from the creature, then
it knows indeed what it is to suffer; then it fights as it were in
the midst of the fire. Every thought must be brought into obedience
to Christ; and God effects this in the soul as it is able to bear
it: first one trial comes, then another. One strikes at love of the
creature, another at self-love, a third at spiritual pride. And the
fight continues till Christ has brought down all his enemies, and led
captivity captive. And to attain this state of glorious liberty, who
would not rejoice to suffer? What a coward must he be, who would fly
from a field of battle, where to die is to conquer? Oh what blessed
encouragements has a Christian to fight manfully! Let us not be weary
or faint in our minds. We have not yet resisted unto blood, striving
against sin; but let us not fail to do it. Have we not a captain who
treads all the powers of death and hell under his feet? Is he not
Jehovah, mighty to save? And has he not promised that he will save even
to the _uttermost_? The way we have to travel is indeed long, and there
are lions in it. But what of that! Jesus the deliverer is with us, and
nothing shall hurt us.
Through Jesus we can all things do,
all things suffer, all things conquer, and what would we more? Farewel!
May the peace of God be with you, and make your soul to rest on him.
_Your ever obliged and affectionate
Friend and Servant_,
****
* * * * *
To Miss ****.
_Wednesday Night, February 13, 1754._
A COLD has been the means of preventing me from spending the evening
in the trifling manner which you, my dear friend, have been forced
to do; though I cannot but hope that your mind, in the midst of all
this noise and nonsense, has been enabled to keep itself in a state of
recollection; and that you are still more fully convinced that _all_,
the _world_ calls pleasure and gaiety, is mere vanity and vexation
of spirit.――I thank you for your letter; it has given me great
satisfaction, and fresh cause to praise God on your account: I rejoice
in your joy, and may our gracious and kind Redeemer increase and
establish your joy and peace in believing! You have indeed the utmost
reason to be thankful, that such a work of mercy has been begun in
your soul; and fear not but that blessed spirit who has convinced you
of sin, and led you to look to the only means of deliverance, will
perfect the work he has begun! What a happy sign, that you can already
lay hold _on_, and _apply_ the promises to yourself? O continue instant
in prayer, for still greater degrees of faith; and shun as you would
the most deadly poison, every _action_, _word_, and _thought_, which
is contrary to the Spirit of God! And always reflect with the most
thankful heart on the love of Christ to your soul. Think that our
merciful Saviour is more ready to hear than we to pray. Think with what
joy the father received the returning prodigal, and be assured that
_you_ and I, and every returning _sinner_, will be received with the
same joy, cloathed with the same glorious robes, and admitted to sit
down at the same _feast_, even the marriage-supper of the Lamb!
_I am, with the utmost tenderness,
Your ever-affectionate and faithful Friend_,
****
* * * * *
_Wednesday Night, March 20, 1754._
*_My dear Friend_,
I AM rejoiced, and bless God that your mind was in so happy a state,
while your body was in the midst of folly and confusion. You observe
very justly, that those diversions are _absolutely_ unfit for _one_
who is seeking _salvation_. Nothing indeed can be more contrary to
the _spirit_ of the _gospel_, than what the _world_ calls _polite_
amusements. What can be more absurd than for one who desires to be
a _Christian_, who desires the _mind_ which was in _Christ_, who
desires that _justification_ by _faith_, which alone can produce in
the _heart true_ humility and meekness, deadness to the world, constant
resignation to God, and fervent desire to do his will: than for such a
person (_in all the_ extravagance and glare of dress) to be _swimming_
or _skipping_ about a room, and wishing to draw the attention and
admiration of the most vile and profligate part of the human species?
What absurdity for such a person as this to sit in that house, which is
as much devoted to the devil as the church is to God, for three hours
together, to hear obscenities, at which a virtuous Heathen would have
blushed?――If you ask twenty of the people who do these things, whether
they are Christians, nineteen of them will answer, they are Christians
_to be sure_! What do you think of them? Or if they are not now quite
so good as they ought to be, they hope to be better by and by! But
can a soul which _truly_ seeks after salvation do these things? No
certainly. And when the Spirit of God has wrought in a soul this
hatred of the vanities it used to delight in, it has reason to rejoice
_indeed_. What greater mark of the love of God to us, than his having
thus drawn us to delight in himself? If we love a friend, we desire and
strive that this friend may return our love, and joy and delight in us:
and, amazing condescension! will the Creator of all things visible and
invisible, the _God_ who called _angels_ and _archangels_ into _being_,
thus deal with us _poor sinful_ worms? What heart can withstand such
love? What heart but must at this thought sink into the dust, and lose
itself in wonder, joy, and adoration? I have time for no more. _Adieu._
****
* * * * *
BLESSED _are they that mourn, for they shall be comforted! Blessed
are they who hunger and thirst after righteousness, for they shall be
filled._ These are the words of the God of truth: and can you then,
my dear friend, be discouraged because you are now mourning after this
God, who only hides himself from you, that you may _more earnestly_
seek him?――Heaviness may endure for a night, but _joy_ cometh in the
_morning_. There certainly is no heaviness like this heaviness: when a
soul has been sensible (though in the _least_ degree) of the influences
of the sun of righteousness, and finds his all-cheering beams
withdrawn, how _painful_, how _heavy_ is the darkness! This is indeed
_darkness_ that may be _felt_: but when the joy returns, what peace!
What happiness! Look, my dear, on the material sun, observe how all the
creation around you is _brightened_ and _gladdened_ when he shines; and
be assured, that on your earnest seeking after Christ, he will in like
manner shine again on _your_ soul, and make it _glad_ with the _light_
of his countenance.
_Your ever affectionate_
****
_Wednesday Night, April 1754._
* * * * *
_July 19, 1754._
I AM very glad, my dear, that your mind is in so happy a state, and
that you seem to have so true a sense of the _littleness_ of _all_
the world calls _great_ and desirable. The love of _God_, and the love
of the _world_ are directly opposite to each other. And therefore St.
_John_ says, _If any man love the world, the love of the Father is not
in him_: this is a sure rule to try ourselves by. We may talk well,
and act well in some outward things; nay, perhaps be zealous for the
genuine doctrines of the gospel: Yet all this while, if the love of
the world remains in our hearts, we may be very certain we are no
Christians.――I fear you have not much opportunity of being alone, but
see from your letter you make good use of that you have. However God
is both able and willing to preserve (either alone or in company) the
soul which constantly looks towards him. I was afraid your being at
**** might hurt you, but thank God, I had no cause for fear. You seem I
think rather to advance than go back. Give God the glory! For whatever
of good is in you, is all from his free and boundless mercy. And cease
not constantly to fight, in the strength of your Redeemer, against
every sin, and fear not but he will set you free, take off the heavy
burden you complain of, and cloath you with _his perfect righteousness_.
_Adieu._
* * * * *
*YOU tell me, my dear, that your present dark state of mind is owing
to your thoughts dwelling so much on worldly objects. But carry your
sincerity yet a little further, and tell me if it is not some _one
particular object_ on which your thoughts are fixed, and which rivals
your Creator in your heart? I much fear this is the case: and if so,
you will find it very difficult to conquer, but let not any difficulty
discourage you from striving to “pluck out this right eye, and cast it
from you.” The grace of God is sufficient for you, his strength is made
perfect in your weakness. And you may depend upon it, that as soon as
ever you have given up your idol, the sun of righteousness will again
arise in your soul with healing in his wings; the God of mercy will
again be known by you, as your reconciled Father in Christ; and the
blessed Spirit will lead, and guide, and fill you with that peace which
passes all understanding; and you will walk in all the ordinances of
the Lord rejoicing.
_I am your ever affectionate and faithful friend_,
****
Tuesday Morning, _August 12, 1754_.
* * * * *
_My dear friend_,
YOUR last letter gave me great pleasure: I sincerely rejoice in the
happiness of your soul, as in that of my own, and I hope God will
strengthen you more and more by his grace, so that you may forsake
every thing for him. Above all, sacrifice your own will: let this
constantly be the language of your heart, “Lord, not my will, but
thine be done.” Strive not only to be content, but to rejoice in every
thing that mortifies your corrupt nature. Hourly reflect, that you are
a fallen creature, sent into this world for no other end than to be
restored to that nature which our first father lost, and so be made fit
for the kingdom of heaven. Remember, that Christ died for you, that you
might live wholly to him; and the more you do this, the more you will
certainly have of that peace which passeth all understanding.
_I am your ever affectionate friend_,
****
_September 16, 1755._
* * * * *
_My dear friend_,
I HAVE read Mr. _B._’s letter, and think it exceedingly pretty;
the stile is easy and flowing, the language soft and affecting,
the sentiments he expresses, in regard to his friend and yourself,
very beautiful. But what is all this to the purpose? Or how can this
convince you, that you ought to give up those means of grace which you
have found so extremely beneficial to your soul, in order to make a
proper wife for Mr. _C._? ’Tis true, there are several assertions in
Mr. _B._’s letter, designed to shew the reasonableness of your making
the promise; but asserting and proving are two things. Whatever has
the appearance of argument in this letter may, I imagine, be reduced
to these heads: _1st._ That it is absolutely wrong for any member of
the church of _England_ to attend the meetings of separatists. _2dly._
That in the church of _England_, a soul may find every thing necessary
for its attaining the highest degrees of faith and holiness. _3dly._
That Mr. _W._ is a separatist: and _4thly._ That your having any
acquaintance with him, will hurt Mr. _C._ both in his temporal interest,
and in his character as a minister.――The opinion I had conceived of
Mr. _B._ was very high, I imagined him actuated by that spirit of
_universal love_, which is the first and ruling principle of every
soul that is born of God; and I make no doubt but this is his _real_
character: however (in this affair) he may _seem_ to incline to a
_partial selfish_ orthodoxy. *Could the church of _England_ be proved
to be the _only church_ of _Christ_, there might be some reason for
the cry of schism, which we hear so much of: but what is she, more
than one of the most unexceptionable of those many divisions into which
the universal church is broken? And therefore a separation from her,
though causeless, or from mistaken motives, cannot properly be called
making a schism in the _church_ of _Christ_. For my part (but I speak
it with submission to Mr. _B._’s judgment) I apprehend, that the only
_real_ and dangerous schism is the want of that spirit of love, which
makes us rejoice in whatever is good and excellent in people of all
denominations, and ready to believe good even of those who most differ
from _us_ in ceremonies and opinion. And why a person of this spirit
(suppose one in communion with the church of _England_) may not be
allowed sometimes to hear a minister among the _Presbyterians_, or any
other sect, if they find this minister’s preaching blest to their souls,
I cannot imagine. What St. _Paul_ says in regard to giving offence to
weak brethren, is often quoted to prove what it has nothing to do with;
for St. _Paul_ surely does not mean, that he neglected those things
which were profitable to _his soul_, for fear of giving offence to
the weak; but that he refrained from outward things (such as making
difference in meats, &c.) which he, as strong in faith, knew to be
wholly indifferent, lest his example should tempt those who were weak
to do things by which their consciences might be wounded.――As to Mr.
_B._’s second argument, _in one sense_ of it, I heartily agree with
him: the homilies, the articles, and liturgy of the church of _England_,
doubtless contain all the doctrines necessary to faith and holiness.
But, alas, how little are these doctrines regarded either in preaching
or practice, by the generality of her ministers! Let any one who has
the least degree of seriousness, look round the churches of _London_.
Will he not see the people for the most part repeating an excellent set
of prayers, just as a parrot repeats a song; and the minister giving
forth doctrines from the pulpit, as directly contrary to these prayers
as darkness is to light? This is so plain a matter of fact, that
it cannot be contradicted; and it is _as_ notorious, that whenever
any minister in the church of _England_ begins to preach her _real_
doctrines, and live up to her precepts, he is immediately called a
_Methodist_. This name is given to him as a reproach. But as it comes
upon him for speaking the truth, it is in fact a glory. Ever since
Christ was upon the earth, _real_ Christians have had a nick-name: but
surely no one who is sincerely bent to follow him can regard this: I
doubt not but Mr. _B._ himself is called a _Methodist_. But I now come
to Mr. _B._’s third argument, that most dreadful charge laid against Mr.
_W._ that _he is a separatist_. This charge has been repeated over and
over again, but has never yet been clearly proved. If four walls, with
a steeple and bells, was the church of _England_, Mr. _W._ might with
some shadow of reason be said to have separated from it, because he
seldom preaches in these places: but _this_ is no fault of his, for he
will gladly preach in any of them, when their respective ministers will
let him. And he was never denied preaching in what is called a church,
till he strongly insisted on _that doctrine_ for which the martyrs
of the reformation laid down their lives, and which is the very
fundamental doctrine of the church of _England_, _justification by
faith_. Any one who would read Mr. _W._’s _Appeals_ with a sincere and
impartial spirit, would I believe be fully convinced, that this charge
against him could not stand.――As to the hurt your being acquainted with
Mr. _W._ might do to Mr. _C._ in his temporal interest, it depends
entirely upon himself. If he preaches to his people _smooth_ things,
and prophesies _deceits_; if he joins with them in their _innocent
amusements_, which _lull_ souls asleep, and keeps them in an utter
ignorance of their _fall_ and their _redemption_, till they awake in
a miserable eternity: go _you_ where you will, not a dog will move
its tongue against him, nor will the generosity of his parishioners be
in the least abated towards him; and all they say of him will _only_
be, _poor man_! what pity that such a good-natured good sort of a man
should have such a sad wife. But do I think Mr. _C._ will act in this
manner? _No_, certainly I _do not_. I verily believe, from what you
yourself have said of him, that he intends to prove himself a true
minister of Christ, that he will _boldly_ and _earnestly_ call sinners
to repentance, and that his life and conversation will be wholly
agreeable to his preaching. And if this is the case, though you were
never to see Mr. _W._ again, Mr. _C._ would be called a _Methodist_,
the greatest part of his parishioners would cry out against him, and in
all probability their generosity towards him would greatly decrease. So
that consider the affair in what light you will, your being acquainted
with Mr. _W._ cannot materially hurt Mr. _C._ And as to the objection
of this acquaintance casting a reproach on your husband’s ministry,
’tis quite _needless_; for it is not to be supposed, if Mr. _C._ be the
man you can approve of for a husband, that you will leave his church
when he himself preaches, to go after any other minister whatever.
And whatever you may do at this time at proper opportunities, will I
doubt not be so guided by _Christian_ prudence, that he, as a good and
pious man, cannot reasonably object to it. But at present you and Mr.
_C._ know very little of each other, and he certainly had no right
to propose such terms as these to you, till he had given you frequent
opportunities of judging, whether his heart and sentiments were such
as you could entirely approve of. For my part, by the little I can
judge in this affair, I believe him to be a good and a sincere man, and
I heartily wish him happy, and _that with you_, if it can be brought
about without your doing any thing to wound your conscience. In the
mean time, whether this affair is ever concluded upon or not, frequent
conversing together in the spirit of Christianity, may be a blessing to
both. And how is it possible for you to give a direct answer to a man,
till you are in some measure acquainted with him, and can judge of his
temper and dispositions? I was quite delighted with the softness and
affection for you with which your pappa mentioned this affair to me
last night. If you say any thing of my writing to you, give my respects
to him and your mamma, with love to Miss _B._ and believe me
_Your faithful_,
****
* * * * *
To Mr. ****.
_My dear ****_,
JOIN with me in praising the free grace and mercy of God, which has so
wonderfully displayed it self in your soul! I don’t know whether your
letter most astonished or delighted me; but this I am sure of, that I
don’t know how enough to express my thankfulness to God in your behalf.
The means so weak too! Nothing but a book put into your hands, which
thousands might have read without regarding it. No examples of vital
religion, no one to urge or encourage you to seek redemption! But
the Almighty can indeed work by the weakest means, and the poorest
instruments; nothing is too hard for the Lord: and Oh may he perfect
the work he has begun!――Oh gracious and ever-blessed Redeemer, continue
thy mercy to this brother of my soul; convince him more and more of
the dreadful state he is in by nature, and the absolute necessity
of justification by faith alone! Oh justify him freely; grant him
redemption through thy blood, the forgiveness of sins: Fill him with
all peace and joy in believing, and give him to go on in thy strength,
till he arrives at that fulness of faith here, and in the end to thy
eternal glory hereafter, which thou hast purchased for those who love
thee! _Amen, Amen._
I rejoice in your desiring to receive the sacrament. The only
preparation required of us is repentance, faith, and love――love to
God and all mankind. I have wrote out a little catalogue of books
which I make my constant study, and which I hope will be yours; always
remembring, that the Bible is to be esteemed by us infinitely beyond
any human compositions. Other books I shall occasionally recommend
to you, as they benefit my own mind, or are proper for the state of
yours.――As to forms of prayer in private, you have no occasion for them.
Pray from your own heart. There is no need of elegance of expression,
to make a prayer acceptable to God. The desire of the heart is its
prayer; and that once sincerely turned to God, will certainly receive
an answer of peace. When you first awake, strive to fix your mind
immediately on God: let the first book you open be the _New Testament_.
There read, not several chapters, but just so much as you find will
be food sufficient for present meditation. If the first verse you read
particularly affects you, don’t read further, but close the book, and
let that verse have its full effect on your mind. When you fall on your
knees before the Almighty, recollect the dangers and temptations you
are most likely to fall into that day, and particularly pray to be kept
by the grace of God in each of them. Earnestly pray for power over the
sin which most easily besets you. But above all things, strive in your
morning and evening prayers to gain the most lively sense of your own
nothingness, nay to feel that you are even worse than nothing, that
you are by your fallen nature sold under sin, and deserving nothing at
the hand of God but eternal punishment. And when your mind is deeply
impressed with this consideration, then look to the Lamb of God, who
taketh away the sins of the world. There see the power by which your
fallen nature may be restored: there see the blood by which you are
cleansed from all sin: there see the full redemption purchased for
you, and strain every faculty of your soul eagerly to lay hold on this
redemption: and be assured that the eternal Spirit of God will assist
you in these your prayers. The Spirit itself, says St. _Paul_, maketh
intercession for us.――In the course of the ensuing day, and in all
occurrences, strive to keep your heart in a state of prayer, always
ready to be lifted up to God; and this, even in the hurry of business,
may be done, and no one be sensible of it except yourself. And be sure,
my dear, never to omit making use of any opportunity of doing good
which falls in your way, either to the bodies or souls of your fellow
creatures.――At night follow the same rule as in the morning; only
examining, before you beg the protection of God for the night, every
action of the past day: what good you have done, what left undone, what
faults you have been guilty of, what mercies you have received, and
accordingly address yourself to the father of mercy.
I have time to say no more at present. Continue to write to me, and
fail not to pray for
_Your ever-affectionate_
****
_December 22, 1753._
* * * * *
_January 7, 1754._
I RETURN my dearest **** thanks for his last letter; the satisfaction
which it and the conversation we had together on Saturday gave me, is
inexpressible. Oh may you, by the assisting grace of God, continue in
the happy way you are now in, and still press forward to higher degrees
of faith and love. But, my dear, you must not think too highly of
me; I am one of the most unworthy objects of the free mercy of God. I
stand more, perhaps, in need of your prayers than you of mine; you must
_too_ pray for me, and we must both strive to strengthen each other.
I should be glad to know whether you, last night, notwithstanding
the disagreeable manner of the preacher, received any comfort and
satisfaction from what he said: I own I did; his words (under all these
disadvantages) raised and strengthened _me_ in a remarkable manner.
I wish it had been the same with you all; but your expectations were
so highly raised by the name of ****, that an angel would hardly have
satisfied them: and thus shall we be always disappointed, if we look
more at man than God. The most famous preacher, let his eloquence, his
manner, his doctrine, be ever so near perfection, can never make the
soul taste the words of salvation, unless the Spirit of God accompanies
and inforces his preaching. And the same blessed Spirit can make the
words of the meanest, the most despicable preacher of the gospel,
effectual to awaken, to convince, and to comfort. But in order to our
reaping these benefits, we must hear with _singleness_ of intention;
not seeking to have our outward ears and eyes delighted, but desiring
the _sincere_ milk of the word, to nourish and strengthen our souls.
Would it not be the highest madness to throw away the _water_ of life,
because it was brought to us in an earthen vessel? _Solomon_ says,
“To the _hungry soul_ every bitter thing is _sweet_.” So to the soul
which really _hungers_ and _thirsts_ after _Christ_, the sound of
the _gospel_ of _peace_, (let the voice which proclaims it be _harsh_
or _soft_) will be _sweet indeed_. Oh may you and I, my dear ****,
always find it so to _us_! May that blessed Redeemer in whom we have
_peace_, be dearer to us than _light_, than _life_, than any thing we
can form to our imagination either _here_ or _hereafter_! In dangers,
in difficulties, in temptations, may we still look to him as our
defence, our deliverer, our strength. He is _all_ in _all_ throughout
the oracles of God, both in the _Old_ and _New Testament_: may he be
_all_ in _all_ to our _souls_; may we walk by his light, conquer by
his _strength_, and in the end be joyful partakers of that everlasting
felicity which he has prepared for those that love _him_. This is the
constant wish and prayer of,
_Your affectionate_
****
* * * * *
_Saturday the 17th._
I RECEIVED my dearest ****’s long letter, and have more and more reason
to be thankful to God on your account. Oh how my soul exults in your
happiness, in your increase in faith, and love to _Christ_!――Your
conversation with the captain delights me; no doubt but he rejoiced
over you――there _you_ see the true christian spirit. The advice he gave
you is excellent: Oh may we be both enabled to follow it! Those who
forsake all _for_ Christ, will certainly find all _in_ Christ.――As to
****, I would advise you to try first, to raise in him a _desire_ to
receive the sacrament, before you persuade him _to receive_ it; and be
earnest at the throne of grace on his behalf. All probable means are
to be made use of, but it is the _Spirit_ of God alone can convince of
sin.――I have been lately a good deal affected with the death of a lady
in this neighbourhood, who led what is called an innocent life. Mr.
**** attended her, and all his endeavours to convince her were in vain:
her answers were, “Though she had not made such a shew of religion as
_some others_, yet she had _done_ her duty.” This is the most fatal
delusion of all; this blindness is the most dreadful state in which a
soul can launch into eternity! Can you and I be ever enough thankful to
that God who has opened our eyes, to see the things which make for our
peace? Was our whole life to be one continued act of praise, it would
be nothing in comparison to the blessings we have received; nay, even
the eternity, which we shall spend in continual _praise_, is not enough
_fully_ to express all we owe to our _redeeming God――Redemption_,
how much is comprehended in this word! And how sweet does it sound
to a soul sensible of its wants! May that pathetic prayer my dear
**** has made for me be heard; then shall I experience that _fulness_
of redemption for which I long! Then shall I indeed be intirely dead
to the world and sin, and live only to Christ. All this unspeakable
happiness, I as sincerely wish to the brother of my soul as to myself;
_And am his truly affectionate_,
****
* * * * *
_Sunday Afternoon, March 10, 1754._
_My dear ****_,
LAST night after you were gone, I read your letter, and thought of what
you had told me with the greatest satisfaction. What reason have you to
be thankful, that God should at so early a time of your life convince
you of _sin_, and give you to _know_, that you have redemption through
Christ! How might you have plunged into all the follies and vices of
youth, and laid up a large stock for future and bitter repentance,
had not the free and unbounded grace of God displayed its power in
your soul! Oh continue earnestly to seek still more and more of the
_fulness_ of Christ. Think not because you have had a sense of the
_pardoning love_ of God, that you are to _rest here_: no, still seek
for fresh evidences of his love to your soul; press forward with
unwearied diligence towards the mark of the _high calling_ of God in
Christ Jesus; seek and _strive_ to gain the _abiding witness_ of the
_Spirit_; strive for that perfect renewal of heart by which you may
say, “’Tis no more I that live, but Christ liveth _in me_.”――You tell
me you was assaulted, some days after you had this dear sense of the
mercies of God in Christ Jesus, with doubts and fears. Whenever you are
attacked in this manner again, argue thus with yourself:――“This peace
and joy which I felt, this sense of forgiveness _seemed_ to me to be
the work of God upon my soul: but was it really so? Might not a warm
imagination deceive me, or might not the great enemy of souls transform
himself into an angel of light, in order to lull me into a fatal
security? But have I not an infallible rule to judge by, whether this
work was of God? What were the fruits it produced? Did I upon this grow
more careless and remiss? Was my mind puffed up with spiritual pride?
Did I allow myself liberties which before I was afraid to take?――Or
did I, on the contrary, watch still more diligently against the most
distant approaches of sin? Did I find increasing power over sins of the
heart, as well as outward sin? Did I find in me a _still_ deeper sense
of my own nothingness and the all-sufficiency of my Redeemer, and a
large increase of the love of God and all mankind? If these were the
happy fruits of this evidence, I have no cause to doubt this work _was
certainly_ of God.”
In this manner, my dear, if you will examine yourself, begging the
assistance of the blessed Spirit, to enable you to search every winding
and turning of your heart, you can never be deceived, and will always
be able by the shield of faith to repel all the fiery darts of the
devil. I thank you for your affectionate prayer for me (may God return
all those blessings double on your own head) and am,
_Your ever-affectionate friend_,
****
* * * * *
I DID not expect to see my dear **** on Saturday, for the weather was
so extremely bad, that I thought you would make the best of your way
to ****. I have read your letter with great pleasure, and hope you will
continue thus diligently to examine the state of your own mind: and
that on every examination you will find an increase of that “treasure
which never faileth.”――I rejoice that you have been happy enough to
suffer reproach for the sake of Christ, and more especially for the
grace given you to _suffer joyfully_. You may depend upon it that there
is the same real distinction between Christians and the world now,
that there was when our blessed Master said, “Because ye are not of
the world, therefore the world hateth you.” And how ought our hearts to
exult with praise and thanksgiving, when we can say _we_ are _not_ of
the _world_! What unspeakable happiness will it be for us to be found
(when our Redeemer comes to judgment) among those who were not ashamed
of him in this “adulterous and perverse generation!” Is any thing too
much to suffer, when animated by the hopes of having these glorious
words addressed to us, “Come ye blessed!”
I am now with my poor aunt ****, who is in great affliction for the
loss of poor Mrs. _C._ See my dear ****, *how little all that is
esteemed in this world avails, when God is pleased to lay his hand upon
us! Here was youth, beauty, riches, friends; but how, as in a moment,
was the possessor of all these cut off! And by a dreadful disease,
brought to be the companion of loathsome worms! Alas, how is that sweet
smile, which once sat upon her countenance, now changed to ghastliness!
How are her fine features and delicate complexion now become even
horrible to behold! Oh that some proud beauty would here stop, and
consider what she herself must one day assuredly be! And Oh that this
thought might strike me still with deeper seriousness, that she who was
my friend and confidant, even from my earliest youth; she whom I loved
with _more_ than a _sister_’s tenderness; is now――alas, where is now
her precious soul? Dearest Redeemer, thy grace is all-sufficient, and
thy mercies infinite! Is it not now rejoicing with thee? Were not all
those helps afforded her by thy boundless love, which, even to the last,
her ill-judging friends denied her? O had I but seen her rejoicing in
the love of God, and filled with the prospects of a blessed eternity,
how would my soul have joyed in her departure! How would my heart have
dilated itself with the glorious thought, that my friend was delivered
from the gilded snares that surrounded her, and gone to sure and
unbounded happiness! And even now I cannot doubt the mercies of my God;
surely we shall meet again, and join in eternal praises to the great
author of our salvation!
_I am, with all affection, your faithful friend_,
****
* * * * *
_My dearest ****_,
I AM obliged to you for your letter, though the first side of it
frighted me extreamly. I have been so accustomed to see you strong
in faith, and rejoicing in God, that the very mention of weak faith
alarmed me. But thanks be to God, who has not suffered you to be
tempted above what you were able to bear, but has with the temptation
also made a way for you to escape: and I hope this trial will be a
means of making you still more watchful. You have need to watch and
pray always, and more especially at those times, when your enemies
seem to be at peace with you. When we are blessed with the light
of God’s countenance, and have power over the sin which most easily
besets us, we are very apt to be off our guard; and by being secure,
we lay ourselves open to danger from that grand tempter, who is always
watching over us for evil. And if we take not care to keep the loving
eye of our mind constantly fixed on that God who is always watching
over us for good, we must fall. Here all our strength lies: but God
will not give us this strength, unless we carefully and continually
seek it: therefore, now the free grace of God has again raised you up,
be doubly careful in every thought, word, and action, and be assured
that your merciful Redeemer will be ever ready to hear you when you
call upon him. That his love may daily abound in your heart more and
more, is the sincere prayer of,
_Your affectionate_,
****
_July 12, 1754._
* * * * *
_Monday, August 5, 1754._
_My dear ****_,
YOU are indeed a great stranger; sure you might contrive to call,
though it were but for half an hour.――I am glad you heard Mr. ****; for
to _hear him_ and to _profit_, to a _sincere_ soul is the same thing. I
thank God too, that you are in so happy a state of mind, and your soul
so charmingly alive to God; that you seem so much in love with holiness,
and so eagerly pressing after it in all its branches: depend upon it,
for every degree of holiness you gain here, you will also gain a new
degree of happiness both _here_ and _hereafter_. The nearer the soul is
to the image of Christ, the more it will love him, and the more it will
be loved by him, and by the Father through him: and this love is the
highest felicity both of saints and angels. Imperfect (in degree) as
it is here below, the soul that tastes it, would not change it for all
that earth or heaven could give. And what then must it be above in the
kingdom of eternal glory! Where the soul, delivered from this earthly
clog, will have no hindrances or obstructions to the pure love of God,
but will be wholly swallowed up in it.
Your **** gave me an account of your yesterday’s conversation: I
congratulate you that you can so boldly and judiciously too, speak for
the truth. I pray God to increase you in every good word and work, and
am,
_Your ever-affectionate Friend_,
****
* * * * *
_My dear ****_,
I RETURN you many thanks for your letter. Just before I received it
I was thinking of you, and to tell you the truth, with some fear,
(occasioned by your long absence) either that you were grown cold to me,
or, what was infinitely worse, were grown cold to the ways of God. But
your letter dispelled all my fears, and I rejoice and give thanks to
our heavenly Father for his great and manifold mercies to your soul!――I
wish I could have seen you often in your last illness, but that you
know was impossible: however, the small time I was with you gave me the
utmost satisfaction, and I cannot be enough sensible of the goodness of
my God, that I (weak and unworthy as I am) should be made an instrument
of such increase of comfort to you. Had you then died, you would
doubtless now be singing praises to God and the Lamb; but as you are
suffered to continue longer upon earth, it is to this end, that you
should approve yourself a faithful servant to God, in the midst of
this crooked and perverse generation, that you should shine as a light
in the world, and by spending yourself in the service of God here,
increase your capacity of happiness hereafter. God is merciful to
you in a peculiar manner. To be kept as you are, when so much engaged
in business, and with so few opportunities of attending the means of
grace, calls for the utmost gratitude; therefore let no occasion pass
of shewing your love to that Redeemer, who has thus saved you from sin
and the love of the world. All you can do, is by far too small a return
for such unbounded goodness. Your present state of mind is a glorious
and happy one indeed; but suffer not yourself to be off your watch for
one moment, for Satan is always watching to hurt a soul that is thus
happily escaped from his snare. But your certain help lies in Christ;
keep therefore the eye of the mind fixed upon him, and you will still
go on conquering, and to conquer.
_I am, your ever-affectionate friend_,
****
_Sunday, December 8, 1754._
* * * * *
_My dear ****_,
I AM delighted with the rules you have laid down for your conduct: you
must constantly look up to God for grace and strength faithfully to
practise them. I rejoice in your love to your Redeemer; and be assured,
the longer you live, the more you will be convinced, that this is your
only sure refuge and lasting happiness. *In regard to your going so
often to ****, take the following advice; shun, as you would poison,
every thing that you find a means of making you less alive to God. Life
is short. We have a great work to do, and God only knows how few of
those hours, which are ever on the wing, may be given us to do it in.
Therefore lose not a moment! Remember a Christian cannot stand still;
he must go either forwards or backwards; and if you have not made
some advances toward heaven since the clock struck last, you have gone
back towards the contrary road. Keep this constantly in your mind,
particularly in your visits.――May the peace and love of God be ever
with you, and fail not to remember at the throne ♦of grace,
_Your ever-affectionate friend_,
****
_November 27, 1755._
♦ duplicate word “of” removed
* * * * *
To Miss ****.
_Sunday Morning._
_My dear Friend_,
I HAVE just time enough to wish that your soul may this day prosper,
and that God may be found by you in all his ordinances. Oh that his
love may be more and more shed abroad in your heart! And this it
certainly will be, if you walk closely with him, and suffer not your
imagination to lead you from your only true happiness. Oh strive
continually after a constant recollection, and communion with God.――I
know the unprofitable manner in which you will be employed this
afternoon; but this need not hinder your heart from being with your
Saviour; he will support and comfort you.――Take care that you run not
into making observations, either on the persons, manners, or dress of
your visitors: four young ladies in a house together, are in the utmost
danger from this sin: and depend upon it, it is as contrary to
Christian love as lying or stealing. _Adieu._
****
* * * * *
_My dear friend_,
I HAVE been thinking, since I saw you, of all the snares to which you
are going to be exposed, and I sincerely pray that God may protect you
in every danger, and hold up your goings in _his paths_. But in order
to gain this gracious protection, you must take the greatest care that
you do nothing to grieve his blessed Spirit, and cause him to depart
from you. And this any sinful compliance will certainly do: therefore
when you are desired to do any thing unbecoming a christian, fear not
(young as you are) to bear your testimony for God against an evil world.
But do it in the spirit of meekness; and if by this means you draw
upon yourself the appellations of whimsical, obstinate, and ridiculous,
look upon the reproach as matter of rejoicing, and as adding a greater
lustre to the crown you will hereafter receive. There is one temptation,
which at your age is peculiarly dangerous, and that is a desire of
being thought handsome. You must be ever on your watch against this;
for it will raise a thousand tempers in your soul, as contrary to the
mind which was in Christ as darkness is to light. There is nothing
which is a greater counter-poise to this desire, than bringing the
mind to be contented, nay even to rejoice that another should outshine
us. Let Miss _F_ be the means by which you acquire a conquest over
this first born of female pride: set yourself every day to take delight
in her beauty; to wish for its embellishment, and to be most pleased
when she appears to the greatest advantage.――If when you read this you
colour, and cry, “Dear! what can she mean? this is vastly odd!”――depend
upon it there is something in your heart which makes the advice I
have given highly necessary; and fail not, as you prize your peace
of mind and increase of grace, to put it in practice. We should enjoy
much more of the light of God’s countenance, and of that peace which
passeth all understanding, if we would attend to, and watch against,
those occasions of falling, which from their commonness we are apt to
call _little_.――A soul is often cast into heaviness for hours, by an
unguarded word.――You will not, my love, be angry with me that I deal
thus freely with you: I watch over your soul in tender love; and though
sensible of my own unworthiness, either to advise or persuade; though
sensible of my own great and manifold sins and imperfections, I cannot
desist from guarding you against all that may hinder your being made
perfect in the love of God. I am,
_Your ever-affectionate_,
****
_November 30, 1754._
* * * * *
I THANK you, my love, for writing to me, and rejoice that you are happy:
God never fails to hear those that call upon him, and is gracious above
all that we can either ask or think. As to my illness, it is extremely
troublesome, but I believe not dangerous: and I must continue to bear
it for a good while longer, without attempting to remove it, because my
apothecary himself knows not what to make of it: *however, I am just as
I ought to be; I delight to do and to suffer the will of God, and his
mercies are sweet to my soul. I am in that happy state of resignation,
that I have not a wish, but for an increase of grace and holiness.
Sunday my soul longed after the sacrament, and the tears came in my
eyes, because I could not go to church. But are the flowing streams
of redeeming love confined to place or time? I found indeed they were
not; for my soul was at home sweetly replenished with every blessing I
could have hoped for at the altar. How much are those to be pitied who
know not the love of God! How much are those to be pitied who set their
hearts on any thing in this infant-state of existence! How poor, how
low, how trifling is every thing, that does not look towards eternity!
I have such an experimental sense of the nothingness of all worldly
things, that they seem no more to me than dancing puppets; and I am
sometimes ready to affront my brother and Mr. ****, by smiling at the
important air with which they talk of their _business_, as they call
it.――I think there is very little probability that I shall be fit to
come to the wedding. Pray God keep your sister’s heart in this time of
danger and distraction, and bless you both with the blessings of his
children.
****
_January 7, 1755._
* * * * *
To the Rev. Mr. ****.
_Reverend Sir_,
YOUR character for candour and piety takes from me all fear that you
should be offended at the address of a person unknown, _even_ though
this address is designed to point out something amiss in you; which
it is absolutely necessary (for the good of your own soul, and for the
eternal welfare of those who hear you) that you should amend.――――You
_believe_!――You _feel_ the power, and live the _life_ of _faith_!――Oh
why will you not strive that others may be partakers of like happiness
with you?――I know your general manner of preaching: I myself have heard
you; and while my ear has been delighted with your affecting delivery,
your elegant language, and well-turned periods, my heart has _bled_
to think that _such talents_ should be so miserably perverted: _bled_
for _you_, and for those _poor souls_, whom this way of preaching
lulls into a fatal _security_. Pardon my freedom of speech; pardon my
boldness towards you; but you yourself will acknowledge, that where the
foundation is unsound, the building must fall; and no true foundation
can be laid except Jesus Christ. Your own experience must tell you,
that a divine power can alone change the heart; that all outward
regularity of behaviour, all rounds and forms of devotion, and all
moral duties, without this change are, utterly unavailing, and only
like beautifying the outside of a sepulchre, which within is full of
dead mens bones and of all uncleanness. _You_ are sensible _too_, that
faith in a dying Redeemer is the only means given us by which this
change of heart can be effected. To what purpose then is it to tell
_poor, lost, undone_ man, of the _dignity_ of his _rational_ nature,
and the beauty of _virtue_?――Dear sir, for the sake of that God whom
you love and _adore_, _away_ with these _shadows_, and substitute in
their place realities. How would it delight the heart of several of
your friends (who greatly love and esteem you, and who wish well to
the gospel of Christ) to see you, with all the force of eloquence,
labouring to convince your hearers of the _sin_ of their _nature_,
their condemnation in the sight of God, and their utter incapacity to
help _themselves_; and then proclaiming to them, “Behold the _Lamb_ of
_God_, who taketh away the _sins_ of the world!”
I am sensible of the difficulties you will have to encounter, in thus
changing your manner of preaching: but though the battle be hard to
fight, great will be the glory of the victory. ’Tis true, your enemies
are strong and powerful; the devil, the world, all the wicked, and
all the self righteous will be joined together against you: but look
up with an eye of faith, and see how many more are for you. Think of
the holy angels rejoicing over every sinner converted by your means;
think that the Captain of your salvation, your God and Redeemer, will
be ever near to help, to strengthen and comfort you! And consider
what unutterable joy your soul will feel, when at that period of time
which is the most delightful to the true Christian, you can with firm
confidence cry out with St. _Paul_, “I have fought a good fight, I have
finished my course, I have kept the faith; henceforth is laid up for me
a crown of righteousness.”
_I am, (though your unknown and unworthy)
Your truly affectionate friend._
* * * * *
To Mr. G****.
I AM much obliged to you for your letter to me; and if it will increase
your joy to know that I love my Saviour more than _health_, or _light_,
or _life_, be assured that I do; and that I should think myself the
most ungrateful and vile of all creatures if I did not. It is my
constant and earnest desire every day, nay every hour, to increase in
the knowledge and love of God, and to be saved not only from the guilt,
but also from the power of sin. I know that the grace of God through
Christ is sufficient for me; I know that the blood of Christ cleanseth
from all sin; and I know (blessed be God for giving me that knowledge)
that I _have_ redemption through his blood, even the _forgiveness_ of
my sins. Think now, what a wretch I should be, if I did not love this
Redeemer, and if I did not wish above all things to be conformed to
his image?――And in consequence of my thus loving God because he first
loved me, I love every creature which God has made, and every soul of
man, without any regard had to sects, names, or parties. The _Moravian_
church, though I am certain at this time it is over-run with _dreadful
errors_, I love, pity, and pray for. Oh may the God of love and
unbounded mercy, convince and restore it!――I thank you for the glorious
advice you give me, of “living very near the cross:” _there_ is life
indeed! Life freely given, to every soul that seeks it. And that you
and I may ever partake of this life, is the hearty wish of, your
****
* * * * *
To the Rev. Mr. ****.
_November 30, 1755._
_Dear Sir_,
I AM much obliged to you for your apostolical letter, and for the truly
christian joy you express for my baby’s happiness. That I have felt all
that the greatest sensibility of temper is capable of feeling on such
an occasion, is certain: but here has been my great comfort, that, in
every thing which concerned the child, I have had neither will nor wish
of my own. He was peculiarly dedicated to God, even before he was born:
and _since_, he has been daily, nay almost hourly offered up; and that
not in word only, but in truth: and as it has pleased God to accept him
as a sacrifice, rather than as a servant, I have nothing to say, but
“thy will be done!” If I could have seen you, or any of my Christian
friends at this time, when all the finest springs of human nature were
on the rack, it would have been a great satisfaction; but it pleased
God to with-hold all creature comfort from me; and though his own arm
sustained me, it was in a manner not sensibly perceived by my soul: *so
that I had the great blessing of bearing something of the _cross_. And
this I look upon to be a particular blessing to me, because I have been
so wholly led by love, that before this, I knew but very little of what
it was to _suffer_ the will of God. In short, every dispensation of my
heavenly Father towards me, is nothing but mercy and unbounded goodness.
I _see_ and I _adore_.――The Lord Jesus bless and preserve you in body,
soul, and spirit. Fail not to pray for,
_Your obliged and affectionate_,
****
* * * * *
_Monday, December 22, 1755._
_Dear Sir_,
I SEE with delight, that you _are set up_ as a mark, for every one
of the _devil_’s tools to shoot _at_: and _he_ certainly wounds the
deepest by those, who, while they are working for him, imagine they are
doing God service, and acting with _Christian prudence_. How often is
_that wisdom_ which comes from _beneath_, taken for that which comes
from _above_! And _fear_ of man, _secret_ desire of preferment, and
being _ashamed_ of the _cross_ of _Christ_, dignified with the title
of true _discretion_, and caution not to give offence!――’Tis hard,
indeed, to be wounded in the house of your friends; nothing, perhaps,
is more painful to nature; but if they have called the master of the
house _Beelzebub_, how much more those of his houshold!――Those servants
of Christ who are designed by him for _eminent usefulness_, must
of necessity have the largest share of tribulation; for the highest
place of honour under our _king_, is that of the sharpest sufferings. I
should not wonder if the tongues and pens of all your brethren (except
two or three) were employed against _you_; and I am so far from being
sorry (on your account) for Mr. _L._’s preaching against you, that I
look upon it as a _precious_ and _blessed mark_, and a _seal_ to the
truth of your ministry.――Happy parting, indeed, with the world! And
happy parting with every comfort in it, if nearer union with God is
the consequence! Oh cease not to pray for me, that all things may thus
work together for my good!――This poor dream of life will soon be at an
end; and _then_, if those who have only given a cup of cold water for
the sake of Christ, shall not lose their reward, what an exceeding and
eternal weight of glory attends those happy souls who constantly labour,
and patiently suffer for him!
_I am, your obliged and faithful Friend and Servant_,
****
The End of the THIRTEENTH VOLUME.
ERRATA, Volume XIII.
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