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Title: The cinnamon heart
A mediæval candy scrape in 3 acts
Author: Arthur L. Brown
Howard Hoppin
Release date: July 10, 2024 [eBook #74002]
Language: English
Original publication: Providence: J. A. & R. A. Reid, 1881
Credits: Charlene Taylor and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net (This file was produced from images generously made available by The Internet Archive/American Libraries.)
*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE CINNAMON HEART ***
THE
CINNAMON HEART,
A MEDIÆVAL CANDY SCRAPE,
IN 3 ACTS.
WRITTEN BY
MR. ARTHUR L. BROWN AND MR. HOWARD HOPPIN.
AUTHORS’ COPY.
PROVIDENCE:
J. A. & R. A. REID, PRINTERS, 24 Custom House Street.
1883.
Entered according to Act of Congress, in the year 1881, by
Arthur L. Brown and Howard Hoppin, in the office of the
Librarian of Congress, at Washington.
ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.
Address,
ARTHUR L. BROWN, or
HOWARD HOPPIN,
Providence, R. I.
DRAMATIS PERSONÆ.
PRINCESS CARAMELLA—Daughter of King Nougat I. SOPRANO.
SASSYFRASS, CONTRALTO.
NOUGAT I., BUFFO.
PROF. PARACELSUS FINIGIN, BASS.
THE LOVER, TENOR.
CHORUS OF MAIDS, ALTO & SOPRANO.
CHORUS OF SUITORS, TENORS.
CHORUS OF CHEMISTS, BASSES.
PAGES TO CARAMELLA.
SYNOPSIS OF SCENERY.
ACT I.
CASTLE COURTYARD OF NOUGAT I.:
Back drop, landscape.
Castle and tower back L. centre, with door and window over—Door bell.
Low stone wall back R. centre from castle.
High stone wall R. (_boxed_), with large gate.
Stone castle (_boxed_) L., with door.
ACT II.
CHEMIST’S LABORATORY:
Back flat.
Large stone arched window in it, R.
Concealed door (_on pivot_) L. centre.
Stone forge and chimney R. front.
Door L.
Sides boxed—stone walls—covered with small shelves—bottles,
skulls, skeletons, etc.
ACT III.
SAME AS ACT I., but with window broken and signs of devastation.
The Cinnamon Heart.
| NOTE.—The marginal lines indicate portions to be sung.
ACT I.
CASTLE COURTYARD OF NOUGAT I.—_Suitors grouped about stage, looking up at
window_, L. C. _All with guitars. All singing._
No. 1.
| _Suitors._—The breezes of morning,
| Softly laden with perfumes,
| Betoken that breakfast is on the table,
| And the Royal family finishing
| The Charlotte Russe and lobster
| Salad, ’scolloped oysters, lemonade,
| And melted ice-cream,—left
| From last night’s party.
| ’Twas there we met her.
| Ah! ’twas there we lost our hearts.
| And early this morning we’ve come
| To make our party calls,
| To ask her hand,
| And serenade this lovely
| Princess Caramella.
|
| (_Then accompany upon guitars._)
|
| _Song._— Maiden with golden hair,
| Maiden of beauty rare,
| List to our humble prayer,
| E’er we get thinner.
| Look out, we humbly pray,
| Turn not your eyes away,
| Ask us to call to-day,
| Also to dinner.
| Of this, would’st know the cause,
| Say we, without a pause,
| It is what we all love to do,
| All love to do.
| Hunger and love combined
| In us are closely twined.
| It is what we all love to do,
| All love to do.
|
| (_Interlude, with guitar accompaniment. All change to another
| position and sing._)
|
| _2nd Verse._
|
| Why doth the Chicadee
| Eat up the bumble bee?
| Why doth the sangaree
| Soak up the sugar?
| Why doth the little lamb
| Dance round the parent ram?
| Why doth the juicy clam
| Stay in salt water?
| Why doth the pretty fly
| Die in the apple pie?
| It is what they all love to do,
| All love to do.
| Why are we singing here
| To Caramella dear?
| It is what we all love to do,
| All love to do.
(_Suitors all crowd together at castle door, and consult._)
_1st S._—Oh! where are servants? She’s at home, I trust.
Let’s ring.
_2d S._— We dare not!
_3d S._— Oh! we can’t!
_1st S._— We must!
There’s no one here; we’ll have to ring this bell.
_You_ do it. I’m too tired (_to 2d S._).
_2d S._— Very well.
But stay! ’twill jar my nerves. (_To 3d S._) _You_ ring.
_3d S._— What! _I?_
With feelings so depressed? Oh, no! You try (_to 4th_).
Here, ring!
_4th S._—Ah! well, if so, I must. But, oh!
Suppose there is a dog. _You_ ring (_to 5th S._).
_5th S._— No! no!
Perhaps they have a gun that shoots. Oh! dear.
I am afraid. _You_ ring (_to 6th S._).
_6th S._— I’m dead with fear.
I wonder if she’s in. What _shall_ we do?
_You_ ring (_to 1st S._).
_1st S._— No. _You_ (_to 2d_).
_2d S._— No. _You_ (_to 3d_).
_3d S._— No. _You_ (_to 4th_).
_4th S._— No. _You_ (_to 5th_).
_2d S._— How _can_ we do it?
_1st S._— Do it in a crowd!
By ringing all together—quick and loud.
(_Suitors all take hands down stage; go up hand in hand cautiously, and
prepare to ring._ 1ST S. _holding bell._)
No. 2.
_Music._—_Prelude._ (_All pull and sing._)
| _All._— Ring at the door-bell,
| Pull at the knocker;
| Ring at the door-bell. _Pull!_
|
| (_Pull door-bell out. All fall down stage. Music. Enter_ SASSY _and_
| MAIDS C. _door._)
|
| _Sassy._— Gentlemen, why do you ring so loudly
| That our door-bell gives away?
|
| _Suitors._— We have come to see your Royal Mistress,
| Is she to be seen to-day?
|
| _Maids._— { No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
| _Suitors._— { Oh! in love, in love we are.
|
| _Maids._— { You must see her Pa.
| _Suitors._— { Not with her Pa.
|
| _Maids._— { For you strangers are.
| _Suitors._— { We’re from afar, we are.
|
| _Maids._— { No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
| _Suitors._— { To see our love.
|
| _Maids._— { You must talk with her Papa-a-a-a-a-a.
| _Suitors._— { Not her Papa a-a-a-a-a.
|
| (_Suitors step forward and show cards._)
|
| _2d Verse._
|
| _Suitors._— Here you have our cards all neatly made by
| Tiffany, of New York city.
|
| _Sassy._— That establishes your reputation.
| We will take them unto her.
|
| _Suitors._— { Please be sure they go to her.
| _Maids._— { We’ll be sure they go to her.
|
| _Suitors._— { Please be sure they go to her.
| _Maids._— { We’ll be sure they go to her.
(SUITORS _give cards to_ MAIDS. _Exeunt_ SASSY _and_ MAIDS _into house_
C.)
_Interlude._
(SUITORS _come down_ R. _front and sing._)
No. 3.
| _Suitors._—When you love a Royal Princess,
| If it’s hard—send your card;
| She will have to marry, since es-
| Cape is hard, very hard;
| For she never likes to forfeit,
| Or retard, your regard;
| So you always can with profit,
| Send your card.
|
| (_King looks out of window_ C.—_takes up retarded note, and sings._)
|
| _King._— Good morning, sirs, just wait until
| I can arrange my dish-y-bill.
| I have your cards, and will be down
| As soon as I can find my crown,
| My gilded sceptre, and my purple shirt.
| (_Shuts window._)
|
| _Suitors._—Now we’re certain of the Princess
| For her dad has our card.
| She will have to marry, since es-
| Cape is hard, very hard;
| For the King won’t let her forfeit,
| Or retard, our regard;
| Thus we have, this time, with profit,
| Sent our card.
(_All talk together back_ R. _Music. Enter King with cards, to slow
dance._—KING _comes down_ C., _and sings._)
No. 4.
| _King._— Of all the jolly fellows,
| The jolliest are Kings;
| They are utterly oblivious
| Of disagreeable things.
| Now I have been a pauper
| For the devil of a while,
| But as a King, I hide it
| With a long-drawn smile.
| (_Smiles broadly._)
| With a side-long smile,
| With a long sighed smile,
| But as a King, I hide it
| With a long-drawn smile.
| Ha! Ha! (_Very joyful._)
| Ha! Ha! (_Melancholy._)
| Ha! Ha! (_Very sadly._)
|
| _Music._
|
| (KING _takes slow dance up stage._)
|
| (_2nd Verse._)
|
| Secure in his position,
| A monarch never cares
| If all his clothes are tattered,
| And filled with holes and tears.
| Just gaze upon this mantle,
| It’s nearly torn in half,
| But as a King I view it,
| With a long-drawn laugh.
| (_Smiles._)
| With a side-long laugh,
| Yes!—a long sighed laugh,
| But as a King, I view it,
| With a long-drawn laugh.
| Ha! Ha!
| Ha! Ha!
| Ha! Ha!
(_Dances slowly around stage. Sees_ SUITORS _and speaks._)
_King._— Ah! gentlemen! Good morning—hope you’re well.
_Suitors._—Yes!—thank your Highness!
_King._— That is good—now tell
Your business here.
_Suitors._— Yes—thank your High—
_King._— (_Interrupting._)— Proceed!
You come as suitors,
_Suitors._— Yes, my liege!
_King._— Indeed!
(_Aside._) Our daughter seems to be in great demand;
I wonder if they only want her hand.
That’s all that they can get—for I’m so poor
I don’t know where to find my lunch. I’m sure
The man that marries her must furnish gold,
And do it now—at once—they must be told.
(_Turning to Suitors. Aloud._)
Now, gentlemen, to business—you are here
As suitors for our daughter, that is clear.
You love our daughter—if aright we read.
_Suitors._—Oh, yes, your Highness, very much indeed.
_King._— Yes!—that is clear—now, as to worldly things
Pray—let us see the gifts that each one brings.
_Suitors._—The gifts! Your Highness— (_Astonished._)
_King._— Certainly—of course
Some compensation equal to the loss
To us—both for the time we’re wasting here,
And for the losing of our daughter dear.
_Suitors._—Good Gracious! (_Low to each other._)
_King._— (_Impatiently._) Well!—be quick!—here is our crown.
Out with your money, now, and put it down.
(_King holds crown behind him. Suitors all advance, and put in money._)
’Tis our unfailing custom—ever since
The time when we became a Sovereign Prince,
And had a daughter with enough good looks
To ope to me—her suitors’ pocket-books—
(_Takes money from crown and puts it in pocket._)
And now as this small point of etiquette
Has been so easily and surely met,
We’ll ask you to excuse us for a while,
Until we go and put your cards on file.
And with the Princess, we’ll return again
Within this court about the hour of ten.
(_King bows, and exit_ C. _door. Suitors stand in same positions
looking at each other in silence, feeling in pockets._—_Pause._)
_1st S._— Ah well! we’ve done it now. He has the gold;
It’s customary I suppose, and old—
It’s very sad—but stay! ’tis nearly ten,
Let’s brush ourselves a bit and try again.
(_Music and jingling of bells outside._)
_1st S._— What sound is that—how palpitates my heart,
They must be coming—do you know your part?
Get in your places—don’t appear to see,
But fold your hands and sigh—and copy me.
(SUITORS _form at back_ L. _Music and bells. Enter_ CARAMELLA _and_ KING,
_dancing_, _hand and hand._)
No. 5.
| _Cara._— I have no village cart,
| No pony phaeton;
| But out with Pa I start,
| And him I lay it on.
|
| _King._— We run our own coupés,
|
| _Cara._— Gig, landeau, coach and chaise,
|
| _King._— Hack, cab, and jaunting car,
|
| _Cara._— Trap and Victori_a_.
|
| _Chorus._ (CARA. _and_ KING _dance around stage._)
|
| _Suitors._—Hi yar! Hi yar! Just see her run her Pa-ha-ha.
| Hi yar! Hi yar! She ought to drive a car-ha-ha.
| Hi yar! Hi yar! This beats a jaunting car-ha-ha.
| Hi yar! Hi yar! A swell Victoria. Ha-ha.—(_Repeat faster._)
|
| _2d Verse._
|
| _Cara._— On every pleasant day
| Driving is our resource,
| We wander far away;
| Nor do we need a horse?
|
| _King._— If rain begins to fall,
|
| _Cara._— We take the carryall,
|
| _King._— Or if the skies are free,
|
| _Cara._— Jump in the light buggee.
|
| _Chorus._— Hi yar! Hi yar! etc. (_Repeated like 1st verse._)
(CARA. _suddenly sees_ SUITORS—_stops, changes manner_—_then to_ SUITORS.)
_Cara._— Hey-day! what’s this?
_King._— These gentlemen, my dear,
Are suitors for your hand.
(SUITORS _all look down, meekly._)
_Cara._— So they appear.
I’m bored to death by suitors,—go away.
_King._— Just listen first to what they have to say,
They surely are entitled to be heard,
(_Aside._) Besides, they’ve paid out money for a word.
_Cara._— Indeed. Well, let them talk, I’m all suspense;
Proceed, kind gentlemen, but utter sense.
(SUITORS _all come down meekly and sing._)
No. 6.
(_Music._)
| _Suitors._—Oh! Princess, we can talk and warble
| In a most agreeable way,
| At tennis we are very prominent,
| And also great at croquet.
| We play at battledore and shuttlecock—
| In knickerbockers arrayed,
| But are particularly pleasant
| While we trill this sweet serenade.
| Zum-la-la-la-la-la, (_Playing on guitars._)
| Zum-la-la-la-a.
| Just give to this a passing glance.
| See, in what harmony we dance—
| Easy and graceful, lightly we tread.
| Please, Miss Caramella, look with
| Favor on our suit.
| Oh! marry us.
|
| _Suitors._— { Come dance, boys—kick up, boys,
| _Cara. & K._— { Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha, ha.
|
| _Suitors._— { And cut the pigeon wing.
| _Cara. & K._— { How perfectly absurd.
|
| _Suitors._— { Again, boys. Put in, boys,
| _Cara. & K._— { Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha, ha.
|
| _Suitors._— { And show her how we fling.
| _Cara. & K._— { How perfectly absurd.
|
| _Suitors._— { To right—to left—in front—
| _Cara. & K._— { How perfectly absurd.
|
| _Suitors._— { Behind—below—oh—oh—oh—oh—
| _Cara. & K._— { How perfectly absurd.
(_All dance furiously_, CARA. _and_ KING _laughing. At end of music_
SUITORS _all get down on knees and wait._)
_Cara._ (_sarcastically_).—
And is this all? Quite finished? Surely done?
Not overlooked a single charm—not one?
You all excel in something—so you say;
(_Changing tone quickly._)
You don’t excel enough—please go away.
(_Turns back on_ SUITORS _and goes down_ R.)
_Suitors._—Alas!
_King._— We feel most sorry for your woe,
But such is fate. We fear you’ll have to go.
_1st S._— Have pity, oh! your Highness. See us here
Most miserable suitors. See that tear.
(_Showing handkerchief._)
Be kind to us poor suitors.
_King_ (_sternly._)— Gentlemen!
We are surprised to hear that word again;
You are not suitors!
_1st S._— Yes, your Highness.
_King._— No!!
Didn’t you hear our daughter tell you so?
How can you _suitors_ be when you don’t—
_Cara._— Hush!
Oh, father, do not say it—please don’t.
_King._— Tush!
It is our duty as a crownèd Prince;
We can’t descend from speaking plain, to hints.
You can’t be suitors.
_Suitors._— Tell at any cost!
_King._— Because you do not _suit her_!
(KING _and_ CARA. _burst out into laughter. Suitors get up slowly
and brush dust off knees._)
_1st S._— Of course, if you choose to treat us in this way,
We obey.
_2d S._— I suppose you have the right to be gay
At our expense—but it won’t pay.
_3d S._— You of course can say—anything you choose,
Certainly you may.
_4th S._— But here we shall not stay
_5th S._— To hear all the mean things you say,
_6th S._— In this disagreeable way.
_All._— Good day.
(_Exeunt_ R. _gate quickly._)
_King_ (_turning._).—Hey?
Ah! they have gone.
(CARA. _begins to cry._ KING _turns and sees her._)
Hullo! Why how is this?
What, crying, daughter? Didn’t you dismiss
These silly men because they didn’t suit?
I do not understand it—I’m a brute!
_Cara._— Oh! dearest father (_aside_, Yes, I’ll tell,) my heart
Is sad beyond the power of suitor’s art;
I sigh for other things, and sigh again
For something else; but always sigh in vain.
I wait with eager longing for the time
When I can reach that altitude sublime,
For which I hope—which in my dreams I see—
Oh! dearest father, don’t you pity me?
_King._— Alas! my daughter, this is hard to hear—
You’re eating candy far too much, my dear.
_Cara._— Oh! no, dear pa.
_King._— Then you in love must be,
Those symptoms indicate a heart not free.
You love!!!
_Cara._— Ah, yes!
_King_ (_starting_).— What!! Do I hear aright?
You love! (_Aside._) Great guns! my income put to flight.
When this unfortunate result is told,
Good-bye to suitors, and to all their gold.
(_Aloud._) Oh, daughter! daughter! this will never do.
(_Fiercely._) Who is this _creature_ that’s beloved by you?
_Cara._— Ah! yes, I love! but in a different way
From that expressed by those buffoons to-day.
My love is sticky.
_King._— _Sticky??_
_Cara._— Yes, and sweet.
And _almost_—but not _quite_—too good to eat.
_King._— Who is he? Are you raving?
_Cara._— No, dear pa.
How impolite and curious you are.
I love!—_oh heavens!_—even in my dreams,
Molasses candy! gum drops! choc’late creams!
’Tis that I love—’tis _candy_ I adore.
_King (aside)._—
The danger is averted.
(_Aloud to Cara._) Tell me more.
(_Music._) (CARA. _comes down front and sings._)
No. 7.
| _Cara._—Candy—sweetest word e’er spoken;
| Candy—whether mixed or broken.
| Tender dreams of candy pulling;
| Visions sweet, of buttered pans;
| Anxious longing, while it’s cooling;
| He is blest who understands.
| Ah! thou delicious molasses,
| And thou glorious chocolate creams.
| Oh candy!—thy beauty surpasses,
| Surpasses our most roseate dreams.
| Ah!
| Beautiful, tender caramel,
| Soothing to taste, and pleasant to smell;
| Vanilla, lemon, chocolate, move
| My sensitive heart far more than suitor’s love.
|
| _King (aside)._—Her heart is moved by candy more than love.
|
| _Cara._—Ah!
| Beautiful, tender caramel,
| Soothing to taste, and pleasant to smell;
| Vanilla, lemon, chocolate, move
| My sensitive heart far more than suitor’s love.
| Tender and fragrant is the smell,
| And soothing is the caramel;
| Lemon, vanilla, and chocolate, move
| My heart far more than suitor’s love.
| Lemon, chocolate, sweeter than suitor’s love,
| Sweeter than love.
|
| _2nd Verse. (For encore.)_
|
| Who would care for man’s affection.
| Who would wish engagement rings;
| When, in every known direction,
| You can find sweet sugar things.
| Ah! thou delicious molasses.
(_Et sequitur—same as first. Exit_ CARA.—_up stage_ L. _while singing._)
_King._—(_Solil._) All this is very nice, but as it sounds
Experience was gained by eating pounds
Of candy—ah! who’s this—
(_Enter_ SASSYFRASS C.)
Oh! Sassyfrass,
I want some information here—my lass.
How many pounds of candy, in a day,
Can you and Caramella put away.
_Sassy._— Excuse me—“Put away.”
_King._— Eat!!
_Sassy._— Oh!—I see!
In pounds?
_King._— Yes!
_Sassy_ (_counting_).—Eighteen, twenty, twenty-three.
_King._— Great guns!
_Sassy._— Why, that’s not much.
_King._— You mean to say
That she eats three-and-twenty pounds a day?
Ah!—that’s the reason why she fails to see
The sweetness in her lovers—twenty-three.
(_Aside._) Good gracious!—twenty-three!!—and _I_ to pay;
I’ll marry her this very blessed day,
I will!—What, twenty-three—as I’m a king—
We change all this.
(CHEMISTS _heard singing outside. Music._)
(_Aloud._) Ah! listen! just the thing;
Those celebrated chemists walking near;
Quick, Sassyfrass—go out and bring them here.
(_Exit_ SASSY. R. _gate._)
I’ll get advice—but I’m reduced, and hence,
I’ll only give a dollar-and-seventy cents.
(_Takes out money from pocket._)
That’s all those suitors gave me—but that sum
Will surely be sufficient—here they come.
(_Music._)
(_Enter_ SASSY., _followed by_ CHEMISTS, R. _gate._ CHEMISTS _dancing._)
No. 8.
| (_Enter_ MAIDS _from back, creeping down, curiously._)
|
| _Chemists._—When you are ill, or blue in the gill,
| If you’re shaking with a chill—
| You’ll shake until—you take our pill.
| It will either cure or it will kill—
| It will either cure or kill.
| This priceless balm we have brought from far,
| The sweet-scented spirits of ammonia.
|
| _Maids._—(_Lean over, smell bottles, and sneeze._) Kechew!!
|
| _Chemists._—Sweet spirits of ammonia.
|
| _All._— Spirits of ammonia.
|
| _Chemists._—We are allopathic— _Maids._—Kechew!
|
| _Chemists._—Or homœopathic— _Maids._—Kechew!
|
| _Chemists._—We cure all diseases by rule mathematic.
|
| _All._— Kechew! Kechew! Kechew! (_Sneezing violently._)
| This precious balm { they } have brought from far,
| { we }
| Is the “spirits ammonia.”
|
| (_Repeat chorus, with drum and cymbals, on “Kechew.”_)
No. 9.
| _King._— But where is the Professor?
|
| _Chemists._—He is coming now; don’t you hear the row.
|
| (_Cymbals and gong._)
|
| He is coming in all his greatness—
| Tremble!!
|
| (_Enter_ PROFESSOR R. _gate._)
|
| _All._— I wonder what he’s going to say,
| Doesn’t he look awful wise?
| He has an interesting way,
| And also an imposing size—
_(Music leads up to note, and gives chord._ PROF. _comes forward as if to
sing, but bows, and_ SAYS, _sweetly,_)
_Prof._ (_spoken_).—Good morning!
_All_ (_disappointedly_).—Good morning!
No. 10.
| _Prof._— On second thoughts,
| It is not a good morning;
| For though the sun shines bright,
| Take warning—
| Southerly wind, and a cloudy sky
| Winds northwest, perhaps, by and by,
| For New York and Pennsyl_va_nia,
| And the states on _the_ Gulf of Mexico.
| For Arkansas there will be
| A great disturbance in mercuree;
| And for all the other states that remain
| They will have local rain,
| Frost and hail, and ice and snow,
| And cold winds will rage and blow;
| Earthquakes, water-spouts, cyclones, thunder-storms,
| Whirlwinds, tidal waves, very bad tempests;
| But in spite of this there will be
| Pleasant weather generallee.
| But you’d better all take pains
| To look out for local rains.
No. 11.
| This I know for—
|
| _Sings._—I am a great astrologer.
|
| _All._— A regular sockdologer.
|
| _Prof._— A graduated colledger.
| My name is Finigin;
| I get my knowledge from the stars
| From pickled snakes put up in jars,
| From dead men’s wired vertebras,
| From skulls of apes and men.
|
| _All._— He is a great ass—
|
| (PROF. _turns and scowls._)
|
| ——trologer.
| He is a great ass—trologer.
| He is a great ass—trologer!
|
| _2nd Verse._
|
| _Prof._— I take a pint of kerosene,
|
| _Chem._— Tremendous pint of kerosene.
|
| _Prof._— And let two hours intervene,
| Then mix it in a pill,
| Four candle ends, molasses too,
| With squills and ginger-snaps and glue,
| ’Twill settle any one of you,
| And cure your every ill.
|
| _All._— That is a great li——
|
| (PROF. _turns and scowls._)
|
| ——fe preserver.
| That is a great li——fe preserver.
| That is a great li——fe preserver!
(PROF. _turns and comes down front to_ KING.)
_Prof._— That’s but the smallest part of what I know;
Now, if you like, I’ll go ahead and show
The relative conditions that appear
In pharmacologistic law.
(_Opens large dictionary._)
_Sassy._— Oh dear!
(PROF. _scowls, looks severely at_ SASSY, _then to all._)
_Prof._— Apparently this subject isn’t one
Of universal interest—
(_Shuts dictionary with a bang._)
I’m done!!
_King._— Well, yes! as you were saying—it _is_ late,
(_Cheerfully._) And we have some important things to state.
(_Calling_)—Hey! Caramella!!
(_Enter_ CARA., L.)
Here’s the first of men,
Professor Paracelsus Finigin.
(PROF. _and_ CARA. _bow._)
_Cara._ (_frightened_).—
Oh, thank you!
_Prof._— Charmed! I do assure you, me’m,
Quite pretty well, considering?
_Chemists_ (_very loudly_).—Ahem!!
_Cara._ (_starting_).—O dear! What’s that?
_Prof._— Excuse me, I forgot—
(_To chemists._)
You want an introduction, do you not?
_Chem._—H’m, H’m! (_Assenting._)
_Prof._—Well, this is Princess Caramella, daughter of our honored king,
Nougat First.
_Chem._—Ho! Ho! (_Surprised._)
_Prof._ (_to Cara._)—And these gentlemen are followers in my footsteps
and like me, though in a minor degree. Doctors of Science and Registered
Pharmacists.
_Chem._—Ha! Ha! (_Satisfaction._)
_Prof._ (_introducing_).—Princess Caramella—Registered Pharmacists.
Registered Pharmacists—Princess Caramella.
_Chem._—He, he! (_Laughing._)
(CARA. _and_ CHEMISTS _bow._)
_King._—And now, most learned gentlemen, we’ll tell
The reason why we want you.
_Chem._— Very well.
_King._—Our daughter here is sad and sick at heart,
And very much in need of all your art.
She’s eaten so much candy here and there,
That for a lover’s sweetness she don’t care,
And seems unable to pick out, or know
A husband, when she sees him.
_Prof._—Strange!
_Chem._—Ho! Ho!!
_King._—What shall we do?
_Cara._—Oh yes! what shall we do?
Please think of something nice, I trust in you.
_Prof._—H’m, h’m, the case is bad.
_Cara._—Oh, say not so!
I think I’d like to have a real nice beau;
An interesting lover—brave and strong,
And handsome, too—with ringlets light and long,
Yes, find me such an one—
(_Long pause. By-play._ PROF. _and all thinking._)
_Prof._ (_suddenly_).— I have it—stop!
I think I have a meal-bag in my shop,
’Twill make a first-rate stomach, filled with straw;
I’ll warrant it to last six years and more.
A pair of wooden legs—keep still! be calm,
If I remember right, I have an arm.
_Cara._—Oh! that’s just splendid!
_King._— We don’t understand.
A pair of legs—explain it—we command!
_Cara._—Why father, don’t you see? He’ll make a beau.
_Prof._—Yes; manufacture one to order.
_King._— Oh!
_Prof._—I’ve often made ’em—nothing new to me—
Alchemic science—chemistry.
_King._— We see!
_Prof._—And now, as that is all arranged, my lord,
Suppose we shape and settle my reward.
_King._—Oh, yes! most true—we’re sorry it is so,
But as it happens—Saturday, you know—
On Saturday we’re always short. Good-bye!
We’ll see you soon, and settle. (_Aside._) What a lie!
_Prof._—Excuse me, an advance must now be made,
Or else the lover’s clothes will be delayed.
Some money I must have to buy his hat,
His shoes and stockings, coat, and this and that.
_King._—Well, how much, then? (_Angrily._)
_Prof._— Two dollars.
_King._— That’s too steep.
We haven’t it!
_Prof._— Well, then, the beau _I’ll_ keep.
(PROF. _turns to go out._)
_Cara._—Oh, pa!
_King._— We haven’t it!
(_To_ PROF.) Now, look’ee here,
We think that price is very much too dear;
But we can make a compromise, we think,
We’ll give a dollar and seventy cents—in chink.
The other thirty cents cannot be paid
In cash; but take your pick of any maid
Of all these!
_Maids._— We won’t go!!
_King_ (_angrily shouting_).—The entire crew!!
_Maids._—No, sir!
_Sassy._— No, sir! (_Coming forward._)
_King._— We’ll throw in Sassyfrass, too!!
(MAIDS _and_ SASSY. _all crowd together_ L. _and talk._)
_Prof._—It’s done! (_Joyfully_).
_Maids._— We won’t!
_King._— What!!
_Sassy._— We don’t mean offence,
But we’re not going to be sold for thirty cents.
We don’t mind being sold at our own price,
But sold for thirty cents—it isn’t nice.
(_Music._ MAIDS _and_ SASSY. _all talk together—then on last note all
scream_—SASSY. _takes up note._)
No. 12.
| _Sassy._— We won’t be sold for thirty cents.
|
| _S. & Maids._— { No, we won’t. No, we won’t.
| _Others._— { Yes, you will. Yes, you will.
|
| _Sassy._— We’ll scratch and bite in our defence.
|
| _S. & Maids._— { Yes, we will; we will.
| _Others._— { No, you won’t; you won’t!
|
| _Prof._— Just listen now to reason.
|
| _S. & Maids._— No, we won’t. No, we won’t.
|
| _King._— We’ll hang you all for treason.
|
| _S. & Maids._— No, you won’t. You can’t!
|
| _S. & Maids._— { No, you won’t; we’ll scratch.
| _Others._— { Yes, we will.
|
| _S. & Maids._— { No, you won’t; we’ll scream.
| _Others._— { Yes, we will; we will.
|
| (MAIDS _and_ SASSY. _all scream._)
|
| _2d Verse._
|
| _Sassy._— We won’t go with him anywhere.
|
| _S. & Maids._— { No, we won’t. No, we wont.
| _Others._— { Yes, you will. Yes, you will.
|
| _Sassy._— Stick pins and needles in his chair.
|
| _S. & Maids._— { Yes, we will; we will.
| _Others._— { No, you won’t; you won’t.
|
| _Chorus.—Same as first._
(MAIDS _and_ SASSY. _scream, then talk loudly by themselves, till stopped
by_ KING.)
_King._—Young females! stop this most unseemly burst,
You’re in the presence high of Nougat First.
(_To Prof._) Professor! it is settled. Here’s the cash;
(_Gives money to_ PROF.)
We’ll send these maids when they have grown less rash.
(PROF. _bows—takes money—turns to_ CARA.)
_Prof._—Now, Princess, I can find, as I have said,
The stomach, legs, an arm—perhaps a head.
We’ll put all these together in a wink;
With glue and hinges—then we’ll paint him pink;
But as to features—eyes, and hair, and nose,
As fine as we can make them, I suppose.
_Cara._—Oh yes!—a poem of beauty he must be,
As beautiful—as beautiful—let’s see. (_Thinks._)
As beautiful as candy—Oh!—what fun—
Quick Sassyfrass!—a box of candy—run!
(_Exit_ SASSY. C. _door._)
Oh won’t it be delightful—listen well,
And how I want his features made—I’ll tell.
(_Music._) _Prelude._
No. 13.
| (_Recit._) A box of candy I will give to you. In it you will find
| delicious choc’late creams and lemon drops, rose lozenges and sugar
| almonds, molasses candy, too, and soothing juju paste—but far above
| all others, you will find my caramels, of which his noble heart is
| to be made.
|
| (_Sings._) He must be fair.
|
| _King._—(_Explaining to Chemists._) He must be fair.
|
| _Prof. and Chemists._—(_Writing on slates._) He must be f-a-r-e.
| (_Spelling word._)
|
| _Cara._—With golden hair.
|
| _King._— With golden hair.
|
| _Prof. and Chemists._—(_Writing._) With golden h-a-r-e.
|
| _All._— He must be fair, with golden hair.
|
| _Cara. & King._— { Be ye sure to have it done.
| _Prof. & Chem’s._— { We’ll be sure to have it done.
|
| _All._—He must be fair, with golden hair.
|
| _Cara. & King._— { Please attend to number one.
| _P. & Chem’s._— { We’ll attend to number one.
|
| (_Chemists keeping time by scratching on slates with Pencils._)
|
| _2d Verse._
|
| _Cara._—Voice free from screams.
|
| _King._— Voice free from screams.
|
| _Prof. & Chemists._— Voice free from s-k-r-ee-m-s.
|
| _Cara._—Like choc’late creams.
|
| _King._— Like choc’late creams.
|
| _Prof. & Chemists._— Like choc’late——
|
| (PROF. _speaks._) How do you spell creams?
|
| _Chemists._— With a K.
|
| _All._— Voice free from screams, like choc’late creams.
|
| _Cara. & King._— { As we say, so you must do.
| _P. & Chem’s._— { As you say, so we will do.
|
| _All._— Voice free from screams, like choc’late creams.
|
| _Cara. & King._— { Please attend to number two.
| _P. & Chem’s._— { We’ll attend to number two.
|
| _3d Verse._
|
| _Cara._—Heart which excels.
|
| _King._— Heart which excels.
|
| _Prof. & Chemists._—(_Writing._) Heart which ex-c-e-l-z.
|
| _Cara._—Like caramels.
|
| _King._— Like caramels.
|
| _Prof. & Chemists._— Like cara-m-e-l-z.
|
| _All._— Heart which excels, like caramels.
|
| _Cara. & King._— { As we say, so it must be.
| _P. & Chem’s._— { As you say, so shall it be.
|
| _All._— Heart which excels, like caramels.
|
| _Cara. & King._— { Please attend to number three.
| _P. & Chem’s._— { We’ll attend to number three.
(_During last chorus enter_ SASSY., C. _door, with box of candy._)
_Sassy._—Here is your candy. (_Sullenly._)
_Cara._ (_turning_).— Thank you.
(_To_ PROF.) Now to work.
Here, take it. Stay, I’d better take a look.
Yes, that’s all right—but what!
(_Starts back—screams._)
Oh! horror!!! Oh!!!
Quick!—Catch me.—Ah, I faint and fainter grow.
(KING _holds_ CARA.—_takes box._)
_King._— Great guns!!
_Sassy._— Why, what’s the matter?
_Prof._— Feel her pulse.
(PROF. _feels_ CARA.’S _pulse._)
Ah, intermittent!—very!
_King._— What results?
_Prof._— Refrangible—refulgent!
_Cara._— Where am I?
_Prof._— Octagonal—organic!
_King._— Will she die?
_Prof._— Pre-eminent—we fear it!
_Cara._— Let me go!
(CARA. _stands up._)
I’m better now!
_King._— Recovered?
_Prof._ (_triumphantly_).—Told you so!
_Cara._— Where is it? Take it hence!—away!—depart!
That wicked, horrid, peppery Cinnamon Heart.
_All._— A Cinnamon Heart!!!
_King._— Where is it?
_Cara._ (_pointing to box_).— There! in there!!
Oh take it out, the sight I cannot bear.
(KING _takes Cinnamon Heart out of box, and shows it._)
_King._— Ah! here it is. A Cinnamon Heart! Now say,
What shall be done with it?
_Cara._— Throw it away!!
_King._— It don’t look like a disagreeable thing.
What’s bad about these Cinnamon Hearts?
_Cara._— They _sting_!!
_King._— Oh pshaw! _I_ think they must be very nice.
No. 14.
| (_Low, weird music._)
|
| (_Tastes of Cin. Heart, and then begins to jump about and yell
| with pain._)
Great guns! Oh! water—milk—apollinaris—ice!!
Quick! bring me something this distress to stop.
Ho! water! ice-cream!
_Sassy._— Take a lemon drop.
(_Gives_ KING _lemon drop out of box._)
_King._— Here, Sassyfrass, please take it out of sight,
And smash it—burn it—anything!
_Sassy._— All right.
(SASSY. _takes Cin. Heart from_ KING.)
(_Music._) (_Lights down quickly. Moon._ CARA. _recit._)
No. 15.
| _Cara._—See, how fast the evening falls,
| Night’s shadows softly creep along;
| The silver moon fast rising o’er the hills,
| And all in peace—is still.
|
| (_Interlude._)
No. 16.
| _Cara._—How can we ever be at peace?
| How feel that calm which peace imparts?
| While candy-makers never cease
| To manufacture Cinnamon Hearts?
|
| _All._— ——those Cinnamon Hearts,
| ——those Cinnamon Hearts.
| Those puckery, fiery, very unsavory,
| Peppery Cinnamon Hearts.
|
| (_Repeat chorus._)
|
| _2d Verse._
|
| _Cara._—Life might be borne without gum-drops,
| Nor cheered by even apple tarts;
| But, oh! existence would be tops-
| I-turvy quite with Cinnamon Hearts.
|
| _All._— ——with those Cinnamon Hearts,
| ——with those Cinnamon Hearts.
| Those puckery, fiery, very unsavory,
| Peppery Cinnamon Hearts.
|
| (_Repeat chorus._)
|
| (_At end of chorus, heavy crash of thunder—cymbals and gong—then low
| music in minor. All stop—frightened._ TABLEAU. _Moon changes to
| blazing Cinnamon Heart in sky._)
_Slow Curtain._ (_Total silence._)
ACT II.
_Scene.—Chemist’s Laboratory. Stone wall at back with raised stone step.
Hidden pivoted door rear_ L. C. _Arched stone ceiling. Stone forge_ R.,
_with fire and retorts. Door_ L. _Window at back_ R. C. _Chemists seated
and standing. All working upon different parts of Dummy. Half light. All
pounding and sawing. Low music._
No. 1.
| (_At signal all pound and sing._)
|
| _Chemists._—_Pound_ with the hatchet and the hammer,
| (_Pound and sing loudly._) _Hammer._
| _Rip_ with the chisel and the saw,
| (_Loudly._) _The saw and_
| _Slam_ just as hard as you can slam her,
| _Slam her_,
| _Slam_ as you never slammed before.
|
| _1st Chem._—All this work we are making
|
| _All_ (_low_).— _Making_,
|
| _1st Chem._—Must be done by noon,
|
| _All_ (_low_).— _By noon, so_
|
| _1st Chem._—This great undertaking
|
| _All_ (_low_).— _Taking_,
| Must be finished soon.
|
| (_Pause. All pound, saw, etc., furiously for some time, then at signal
| all sing._)
|
| _Chorus._
|
| _All._— _Pound_ with the hatchet and the hammer,
| _Hammer_,
| _Rip_ with the chisel and the saw,
| _The saw and_
| _Slam_ just as hard as you can slam her,
| _Slam her_,
| _Slam_ as you never slammed before.
|
| (_All stop, talk together and quit work. All start. Hear some one
| coming; all go back to places, and at signal, sing._)
|
| _2d Verse._
|
| _All._— _Plane_ just as hard as you can plane her,
| (_Pound and sing loudly._) _Plane her_,
| _Work_ with play we can’t confound
| (_Very loud._) _Confound it_,
| _Paint_ her and varnish her and stain her,
| _Stain her_.
| _Rip, chisel, hammer her and pound._
|
| _1st Chem._—All this work, etc., (_with chorus._)—
| “_Plane_ just as hard,” etc.
(_After chorus all work furiously. Enter_ PROF. L. _door, carrying
Dummy’s hat and coat._)
_Prof._— Is all arranged? The parts all fitting tight
To one another?
_Chem._— Yes! they are.
_Prof._— That’s right!
His head?
_1st Chem._— A marvel. (_Showing head._)
_Prof._— Legs?
_2d Chem._— Superb!
_Prof._— And arms?
Are they in working order?
_3rd Chem._— Work like charms.
_Prof._— His nose?
_4th Chem._— A _dream_ of beauty!
_Prof._— Decent ears?
I want them good.
_5th Chem._— Enough to bring forth tears!
_Prof._— His stomach well proportioned, too? Of course
We must be sure of that!
_6th Chem._— O! that’s the boss.
_Prof._— ’Tis well! Now go! for I must be alone,
So leave me to my mysteries. Begone!
(_Chemists put parts of Dummy together, attach it to concealed door_ C.
_back, and exeunt all_ L.)
(_Pause._ PROF. _puts on apron._)
_Prof._— And now to work—the candy—ah! ’tis here;
The pans to mix it in—I’ll have them near.
The water—well distilled—the skull and bones,
The basket filled with bloody paving stones,
Where _are_ those bloody paving stones—O yes!
They’re here behind the table—what a mess.
The _thunder_—where can that be—_thunder_! Ho!
Oh _thunder_—here it is—I ought to know
I put it there myself. And now the hail,
The hail,—let’s see—O yes! it’s in that pail,
Quite near and handy. Now, as to effect,
The lover in the centre, stiff, erect;
The table on this side—crammed with all sorts
Of bottles, boxes, glasses, and retorts;
Mysterious music here—in sharps and flats,
And just in front we’ll put that bag of cats,—
That bag of cats, now, was a fine idea.
_Stage_ R. Low music, cats, and thunder over here.
That side is weird enough—now on the right
_Stage_ L. A horrid darkness, now and then a light.
Which, when it flashes, shows a heap of bones,
And when it don’t, why then we’ll utter moans.
Yes! agonizing moans, and bones, and groans,
By rattling that big box of paving stones.
’Tis fine—the cats on this side—lightning here,
The lover standing upright in the rear;
King Nougat there—the Princess standing by,
And here—no, here—no, here—
(_Changing position to study the effect._)
Mysterious I!
_I_—Paracelsus Finigin—the seer.
Ha! ha! Yes, _I’ll_ be operating here.
_I_—who command, at will, the universe,
Command by word, where others use the purse;
Change universal laws the way I please—
Yea, keep this basket upside down, with ease.
Ha! ha! _with ease_.
(_Turns basket of tin pans all over him—quickly picks them up and looks
around—then speaks low._)
I mean, _without these_.
But now it’s time to mix
The lover’s vital senses—there are six:
The sense of locomotion, touch, and sight,
That’s three—his hearing, voice, and heart—all right.
I’ll take them all in order, one by one,
Then Caramella’s lover will be done.
(_Takes candy from box, and while singing, mixes each in pans. After
second verse_ SASSY. _and_ MAIDS _look in_ L. _door, dressed in poke
bonnets and cloaks._)
_Music._ (PROF. _sings._)
No. 2.
| _Prof._— With juju paste our work’s begun,
| Hum hum, hum hum, hum hum, hum hum—
| And sense of locomotion’s done.
| That’s one.
|
| (PROF. _puts first pan aside and takes another, which he stirs._)
|
| _Prof._— These lemon drops, I think, will do—
| Hum hum, hum hum, hum hum, hum hum—
| For sense of touch, it’s something new.
| That’s two.
|
| _2d Verse._
|
| _Prof._— Rose lozenges will surely be—
| Hum hum, hum hum, hum hum, hum hum—
| A first-rate sense of sight—to see.
| That’s three.
| These sugar almonds—two, or more—
| Hum hum, hum hum, hum hum, hum hum—
| His sense of hearing will restore.
| That’s four.
|
| _3rd Verse._
|
| With choc’late creams I now will strive—
| Hum hum, hum hum, hum hum, hum hum—
| To form his voice when he’s alive.
| That’s five.
| These caramels complete the tricks—
| Hum hum, hum hum, hum hum, hum hum—
| For out of these his heart I’ll mix.
| That’s six.
(_Short dance._)
(PROF. _speaks._)
_Prof._— There, they are done! The lover is complete—
A set of vital senses, just as neat
As could be made.
(_Puts fans all together—turns and sees_ SASSY. _and_ MAIDS.)
Ha! Spies upon me! Go!
_Sassy._— ’Tis Sassyfrass—why do you holler so?
’Tis _I_.
_Prof._— Oh, Sassyfrass! I fain would press
Your lovely form; but I’m in such a mess.
Fain would I print a kiss upon your brow.
But I’m engaged in mixing vitals now.
Fain would I—
_Sassy._— Bosh!!
_Prof._— Yet, though it cause a sigh,
This work must be performed alone—good-bye.
_S. & Maids._—
Oh! let us stay.
(_Aside._) The horrid thing!
(_Aloud._) Oh! please.
_Prof._— ’Tis useless.
_Sassy._— Can you see us on our knees?
(SASSY. _and_ MAIDS _all kneel._)
Oh! is your heart so hard, and can you hear
Our pleadings?
_Maids._— Please!
_Sassy._— Without a tear?
_Prof._— Be comforted. (_Crying._)
I weep—a water-spout—
But, notwithstanding that, you must get out;
This mixture is the lover’s heart, you see—
It’s very young and tender—
_S. & Maids._— Deary me!!
_Prof._— Susceptible and tender; so I fear
At letting any woman come so near
To it while in this tender state, and so
E’en though I weep a torrent—you must go.
(_Puts pan of heart mixture away on shelf—weeping._)
_Sassy._ (_aside._)—
Ah! ha! the heart is tender—here’s our chance,
Let’s daze this stupid with a song and dance.
(SASSY. _and_ MAIDS _arrange themselves before_ PROF.)
No. 3.
| _Sassy._— Oh if you were really in love,
| And wooed in respectable fashion;
| It would be most easy to move
| Our hearts to reciprocal passion.
| For though you are not an Apollo,
| Your learning is something immense,
| And with urging, I think we _would_ follow,
| That dollar-and-seventy cents.
|
| _Chorus._
|
| _All._— That dollar-and-seventy cents.
|
| _S. & Maids._— { Oh what a fool he is. } _Aside._
| _Prof._— { Oh what a dear she is. }
|
| _All._— That dollar-and-seventy cents.
|
| _S. & Maids._— { Oh what a fool he is. } _Aside._
| _Prof._— { Oh what a dear she is. }
|
| _All._— Oh where can you find
| A person more kind,
| And—a dollar-and-seventy cents.
|
| (_Repeat chorus for dance_, PROF. & SASSY. _in front_, MAIDS _behind._)
|
| _2d Verse._
|
| _Sassy._— But if you are cruel and hard,
| And don’t let us see what you’re making;
| We wont believe in your regard,
| And leave you with hearts that are breaking.
| But if you permit us to tarry,
| We’ll love you with passion intense,
| And promise that you we will marry,
| And—that dollar-and-seventy cents.
|
| _Chorus._ (_Same as first, repeated for dance._)
_Prof._— Oh! ducky darlings!
_Sassy._— Paracelsus, dear!
(_Aside. Disgusted._) Good Heavens!
_Prof._— Sassy.—ducky—nestle here.
(_Opening arms._)
_Sassy._— No, Paracelsus, darling, not quite yet,
(_Aside._) I have a purpose here, I shan’t forget.
(PROF. _makes forward movement._)
_Maids._— No dearest!—ugh!!
_Sassy._— Propriety, you know,
Forbids familiarity.
_Prof._— Just so!
But we are all alone—come ducky dee,
’Tum to its ’ittle Parasol—he, he.
Pease ’tum!
_Sassy._— I tell you—No!!!—what have you here?
_Maids._— Yes, show us what you’re making.
_Prof._ (_very meekly_).— Yes, my dear.
(_All approach table._ PROF. _explains mixtures, one by one._)
_Prof._— This mixture is the sense of hearing.
_S. & Maids_, (_sharply_).— Well!
What is it made of?
_Prof._— Ah! I must not tell.
_S. & Maids._—You must! Quick!!
_Prof._— Sugar almonds.
_S. & Maids._— That’s all right!
What’s this one here?
_Prof._— That is the sense of sight.
_All._— How made?
_Prof._— Rose lozenges.
_All._— And why of those?
_Prof._— That he may see all things _couleur de rose_.
_All._— Go on!
_Prof._— This yellow one is sense of touch;
It’s mixed and made of lemon drops and such.
_All._— Why, lemon drops?
_Prof._— To make him sure to drop
Whatever he might steal when in this shop.
_All._— This!
_Prof._— Locomotion.
_All._— Made of?
_Prof._— Juju paste,
That’s so that distance may be paced in haste.
_All._— And this?
_Prof._— The voice.
_All._— Well!!
_Prof._— Made of choc’late creams;
They want a creamy voice—not howls and screams.
(SASSY. _points to voice mixture contemptuously._)
_Sassy._— And if you put that in, you think that thing
Is all that’s necessary to make him sing.
_Prof._— That’s all!
_Sassy._— I don’t believe it!
_Prof._— Well then—try—
I think you will believe it, by-and-by.
But, wait, the other senses go in now.
(PROF. _takes all mixtures—except Heart mixture—and pours all into
Dummy._)
Just stop a minute and you’ll hear a row.
(_Winds Dummy up with crank._)
There—he’s all right.
_Sassy._ (_aside to_ MAIDS).— He has left out the Heart.
Ah!—now we have a chance to play our part.
(_Takes Cinnamon Heart out of pocket_—S. & MAIDS _all crowd up to
table_—PROF. _turns and sees Cinnamon Heart._)
_Prof._— Hullo!—what’s this?—that Cinnamon Heart again.
Quick—put it back at once—are you insane?
If that got in the mixture of the heart
’Twould spoil it all and ruin every part.
But we are saved—the mixtures all are in.
What’s that?
Be quiet! he’s about to sing.
(HERO _sings from behind Dummy._)
No. 4.
| _Eben._— What spirit is this that I feel?
| This spirit of song, I feel,
| Urging me to sing my song—
| My song—in cadence soft and long,
| As ’twere a bird, making these walls to ring;
| Yea, like a bird I’ll sing, I’ll sing, I’ll sing.
| I like a flute shall be,
| Flowing with melody;
| Ever and aye I’ll sing, I’ll sing, I’ll sing, I’ll sing,
| I’ll sing, I’ll sing.
| What spirit is this that I feel?
| This spirit of song, I feel?
| Urging me to sing my song,
| In measure long.
|
| (_End up singing with a loud creak and snap._)
_Prof._— He’s stopped!
_Sassy._— Run down!
_Prof._— How’s that for grand success?
The Princess ought to hear that voice!
_Sassy._— Oh! yes—
Why don’t you go and get her?
_Prof._— That is so,
We’ll bring her here at once. Come, let us go.
_Sassy._— Oh! _we’ll_ stay here.
_Prof._— Oh, no! you won’t.
_Sassy._— We will!!
We all have headaches, and feel very ill.
Now, Paracelsus, dear! be good and kind,
You’re such a darling—let us stay behind.
Go, sweetest!
_Maids_ (_beseechingly_).— _Please_ go. _Please_ go.
(SASSY. _and_ MAIDS _push_ PROF. _out by force_ L. _door._)
_Sassy._— The horrid thing!
(SUITORS _look through window at back_ C.)
_Suitors._— Hey! girls!
_Maids_ (_frightened_).— Good gracious me!
_Sassy._— Who’s that!
_1st Suitor._— _Avengers!_—is the coast all free?
_Sassy._— Yes!—come along.
(_Suitors all get in by window, turn and see Dummy._)
_1st Suitor._— Ah! that’s that wretched beau;
Come, fellows, let us smash it up.
(SUITORS _all start forward._)
_Sassy._ (_stopping them_).— No! no!
Here is the way!
(_Takes Cin. Heart from pocket._)
You see this Cinnamon Heart,
It’s now _our_ turn to try a little art.
No. 5.
| (_Music._)
_To Cin. Heart._
The Princess fainted when she saw you first;
King Nougat, from your presence, feared the worst;
That bad Professor nearly died with fear
And anguish least you might be mixed in here.
(_Takes down heart mixture from shelf._)
I’m only thirty cents’ worth—is it so!
I’m Sassy. Ducky, am I—_in you go_!!
(_Throws Cin. Heart into mixture._)
_Maids._— We’re ducky darlings—are we? }
_Suitors._— We’re cast off suitors—are we? } (_All go up in
_Maids._— We’re thirty cents’ worth—are we? } turn and grind
_Suitors._— We’re to be laughed at—are we? } Cin. Heart into
_Maids._— We’re to be snubbed too—are we? } Mixture._)
_Suitors._— We’re to be kicked out—are we? }
_All._— There!!! (_All grind again._)
_Sassy._— That, I think, will mix things up a mite;
Hark!—some one’s coming!
_Maids._— Oh!
_Suitors._— Prepare for flight!
_Sassy._— You haven’t time!—here—with these feminine aids,
We’ll dress you up, and turn you into maids.
(_Maids all take off cloaks and bonnets and dress up_ SUITORS _to look
like girls._)
Quick!—all sit down and very quiet keep,
They’re coming—we must all be fast asleep.
(_All sit and feign to sleep. Enter_ CHEMISTS, PROF., KING, _and_ CARA.,
CHEMISTS _singing._)
No. 6.
(_Music._)
| _Chemists_ (_singing_).—“When you are ill, etc.”
(_All enter and take positions_—KING _turns and sees_ SUITORS _and_
MAIDS.)
_King._— Hullo!—a boarding school!!—asleep, I vow!
Hi—wake up!—it’s no time to slumber now!
(_Pokes_ SASSY.—_all wake up._)
_Cara._ (_seeing Dummy_).—Good gracious me!!
Oh my!—is that my beau;
That lovely creature—can I touch him?
_Prof._ (_starting in alarm_).— No!
Not yet!—you’d rub the paint off—wait awhile,
And see us do the business up in style.
(PROF. _turns to_ CHEMISTS—_loud._)
Prepare the ice cream freezer. Hi! you flats!
Go, get the thunder ready—bring the cats!
Drag out that box of bloody paving stones!
Strike up the lightning—rattle out the groans!
(CHEMISTS _all run about and bring properties. Thunder and noises—gas
down and low music._)
Now don’t be frightened, Princess. Now to biz.
Ahem! are all things ready?
_Chemists_ (_very low_).— Aye! they is.
(PROF. _ties rope from ice cream freezer to leg of Dummy—low rumbling and
noises—fire and low music._)
No. 7.
| _Music._ (PROF. _sings._)
|
| _Prof._— Silence!! (_Crash._) Silence! (_Crash._)
| Don’t let a sound be heard. (_All groan._)
| Silence! (_Crash._) Silence! (_Crash._)
| Don’t even breathe a word. (_All groan._)
| Silence! Silence! Silence! Silence!
|
| (_Aside to_ CHEMISTS.)
|
| Give us a little less thunder, and don’t
| Rattle that box of paving stones quite so hard.
|
| (_Rumbling and fire._)
|
| _All._— Oh! how my heart thrills,
| With shivers and chills,
| That run down my back,
| In a serpentine track.
| Oh! how my heart thrills
| With shivers and chills,
| That run down my back,
| In a serpentine track.
|
| _Prof._— Tremble!
|
| _All._— Horror! Awful magic!
| Such horrible, tragical,
| Wonderful, magical
| Works of Satanical
| Mischief and craft.
| Such horrible, tragical,
| Wonderful, magical
| Works of Satanical
| Mischief and craft.
| Such horrible, wonderful,
| Tragical, magical craft.
No. 8.
| _Prof._— Demons of darkest night
| Lend me thy aid.
|
| (_Puts red light on fire. Dummy is quickly changed for_ EBEN. _by
| turning pivot._)
|
| Hobgoblins and witches,
| I will be obeyed.
| Blood! blood! snakes and vipers!
| I will be obeyed.
| Hobgoblins and witches,
| Oh! lend us thy aid.
|
| _All._— Oh! abracadabra,
| Enchantment and spell;
| Oh! abracadabra,
| Don’t turn out a sell.
|
| _Cara._— Noble spirits, I pray thee
| To heed our despair,
| Oh! shades, I implore thee
| To listen to our prayer.
|
| _All._— Oh! abracadabra,
| Enchantment and spell;
| Oh! abracadabra,
| Don’t turn out a sell.
| Don’t turn out a sell,
| Don’t turn out a sell.
|
| (EBEN. _moves, yawns, opens his eyes and looks about in a dazed way._)
|
| _Quartette._ (CARA., SASSY., KING _and_ PROF.)
|
| He winks! he moves! he trembles!
| Our prayers have worked the spell!
| He lives! and he resembles
| Our fondest ideal;
| He lives! and he resembles
| Our fondest ideal.
|
| (EBEN. _rubs his eyes and looks about._ CARA. _goes down front._)
|
| _Cara._— What is this—in my heart,
| In my soul—that I feel
| This spirit of love?
| Is it true, is it real,
| This beating of my heart
| To another heart’s beat?
| Has my love come to life?
| Is my lover complete?
| And _thou_, candy, away!!
|
| (_Throws away box of candy._)
|
| Never more shalt thou move
| My soul, for I live
| By the spirit of love.
| It _is_ true. It _is_ real.
| ’Tis the spirit of love.
|
| _Quartette._—
| He winks, he moves, he trembles,
| Our prayers have worked the spell;
| He lives, and he resembles
| Our fondest ideal;
| He lives and he resembles
| Our fondest ideal.
|
| (_Interlude._)
|
| (PROF. _seizes ice cream freezer and grinds furiously._)
No. 9.
| _Prof._— Grind him up again.
|
| _Cara._— Grind him up again.
|
| _All._— Grind him up again,
| Grindy—windy, windy, windy, windy, etc.
|
| (_All sing “windy, windy,” as acc. to solo by_ EBEN. EBEN. _steps down
| from back, comes forward, takes up note and sings._)
|
| _Eben._— Good morning all, (_Bows._)
| How do you do;
| I believe it’s the thing
| To bow to you;
| I think it right
| That I should state,
| That I’m alive
| And feel first rate;
|
| _Eben._— { I think it right,
| _Cara._— { Oh blessed sight,
|
| _Eben._— { And fortunate,
| _Cara._— { And fortunate,
|
| _Eben._— { That I’m alive,
| _Cara._— { That you’re alive,
|
| _Eben._— { And feel first rate.
| _Cara._— { And feel first rate.
|
| _All._— Oh blessed sight,
| And fortunate,
| That he’s alive,
| And feels first rate.
(EBEN. _shows signs of disliking_ CHEMISTS, SUITORS, _and_ MAIDS, _and_
PROF. _sends them out._)
_Prof._— Go!—he don’t like you!
(_Exeunt_ CHEMISTS, SUITORS, _and_ MAIDS, L.)
(_Pointing to_ EBEN.) There! miss.
_Cara._— Mighty seer!
Unequaled, famed, admired far and near,
How can I sing your praises, how reward
Your glorious—
_King_ (_interrupting_).— That’s enough!
(_To_ PROF.) We can’t afford
To recompense you as we wish we could,
But we are pleased—your work is very good.
_Cara._— Ah! sir!—I thank you!—I can do no more.
(_Turns to_ EBEN., _who, through all has been examining himself and
things about him._)
(_To_ EBEN.) And _you_—you thank him with me, too.
_Eben._— What for?
(EBEN. _says following in a low voice and uninterested manner._)
_Cara._— For having made you.
_Eben._— Well?
_Cara._— Oh, please be good,
And thank him with me—Ah!—I wish you would.
_Eben._— Why should I thank him—just observe that leg—
Is that a masterpiece—that wooden peg?
Is that the kind of thing to drag about?
It isn’t decent—there’s no sort of doubt;
And then, those thumbs—he’s put ’em wrong side on—
That left one should be like the other one.
_They’re_ wrong—and then, he’s made me much too short;
I ought to have been taller—yes!—I ought;
And look at all that hair—that ugly nose;
Would _you_ be satisfied with ears like those;
Well _I’m_—_not_ satisfied.
_Cara._— Don’t be so sad!
_I_ think you’re _lovely_.
_Eben._— Then I hope _you’re_ glad.
(_Goes up to table, sits on it and swings his legs._)
_Cara._— _I’m very_ glad—and think you should agree;
Now thank the kind Professor, please, for _me_.
_Eben._— I won’t!
_Cara._— Please! Don’t you like him?
_Eben._— No!
_Cara._— Why not?
_Eben._— Why should I—he’s no better than the lot.
They all are very ugly.
_King._— What’s he at?
Do you include your Pa-in-law in that?
_Eben._— Are _you_ my Pa-in-law?
_King._— Your Pa-in-law!!
And shall expect more deference.
_Eben._— Oh pshaw!
_King._— What’s this? (_Turning angrily._)
_Cara._— Oh! father, please leave him to me.
He don’t know any better—can’t you see?
Ah! charming lover!
_Eben._— Lover?
_Cara._— Yes; my beau.
You are to love and marry me.
_Eben._— Oh! ho!
Then _that’s_ the reason why I have been made—
You might have asked me first.
_Cara._— Our plans were laid.
But are you sorry?
_Eben._— Yes; of course I am.
_Cara._— And don’t you care to live?
_Eben._— Don’t care a d——
_All_ (_very loud_).— Ahem!!!
_King._— Young man! What! in our presence do you swear?
Before King Nougat First?
_Eben._— Oh! I don’t care!
_King._— Good gracious!
_Cara._— Please, dear father, don’t you see
You’re taking his attention off from me?
My dearest, may I speak?
_Eben._— Oh! go ahead.
_Cara._— You are to love me dearly, and to wed
Whenever I am ready. And—what’s more—
I’m—ready now.
_Eben._— You said all that before.
_Cara._— Am I not pretty?
_Eben._— Rather.
_Cara._— Then your lot
Is not so very hard.
_Eben._— I’d rather not.
_Cara._— Ah, me! though cruel, still to him I cling;
Perhaps he will be kinder if I sing.
(_Turns, weeping._)
No. 10.
| (_Music._)
|
| _Cara._— Cans’t thou see me sadly crying?
| Hoping still thy heart to move?
|
| _Eben._— I’d rather not!
|
| _Cara._— Cans’t thou still resist the sighing
| Of a heart-imploring love?
|
| _Eben._— I’d rather not!
|
| _Cara._— Think what a beautiful wedding
| We can have, if agreeable you are.
|
| _Eben._— I’d rather not!
|
| _Cara._— Expenses you needn’t be dreading,
| For they will all be borne by pa.
| Ah!
| Flowers, and silk and satin for me;
| Jewelry, wine, tobacco for thee.
| A beautiful house, all shining and new,
| With ebonized chairs and furniture for two.
|
| _Eben._— But notwithstanding that, I’d rather not!
|
| _Cara. & Eben._—
| Ah!
|
| _Cara._— { Flowers, and silk and satin for me.
| _Eben._— { Flowers, and silk and satin for thee,
| _Cara._— { Jewelry, wine, tobacco for thee.
| _Eben._— { Jewelry, wine, tobacco for me.
|
| _Cara._— { A beautiful house, all shining and new,
| _Eben._— { A beautiful house, all shining and new,
|
| _Cara._— { With ebonized chairs, and furniture for two.
| _Eben._— { With ebonized chairs, and furniture for two.
|
| _Cara._— Oh! dearest, wilt thou be my beau? (_Holds last note._)
|
| _Eben._— I’m sorry, but it can’t be so.
|
| _Cara._— Oh! dearest, please to be my beau. (_Holds last note._)
|
| _Eben._— I’d rather not; I tell you no!
|
| _Cara._— { To be married so happily, say, wilt thou go?
| _Eben._— { To be married so happily, I will not go!
|
| _Cara._— { He’d rather not.
| _Eben._— { I’d rather not.
(CARA. _turns slowly, weeping._ EBEN. _still sits on table and swings his
legs._)
_Cara._— What shall I do? (_Weeping._)
_King._— By all the Pins—of which I am the king—
If you don’t love my daughter, I will wring
Your neck, and have you taken by the ear
And pounded into jelly. Do you hear?
Yes; pounded! mashed up! Aye, reduced to slosh!
As quick as you can wink your eye!
_Eben._— Oh, bosh!
_King._— What? Bosh! to me?
_Cara._— Oh! sir, one last appeal;
Just one more chance to win him. He _must_ feel
The weight of burning love. (_Kneels to_ EBEN.)
My own! My life!
A princess here implores to be your wife.
Oh! love me just a little.
Here I swear to worship you; to soften every care;
To comfort you in sorrow—all I vow,
If you will love me just a little now.
You do not answer. Haven’t you a heart?
Speak!—won’t you love me now?
_Eben._— I’d rather not.
_King._— It is enough!—the villain!
_Cara._ (_turning angrily to Prof._)— Nay! not so!
There!—is the villain! there!—our secret foe!
(_Pointing to Prof._)
’Tis he!—I say!
_King._— What’s all this row about?
You’ve left some necessary organ out!
(_Prof. falls on his knees._)
_Prof._— Oh, honored Nougat!—Mighty King!
_King._— Enough!
Cease complimenting!—I am in a huff.
(_Calling._) Hey! chemists!!
(_Enter_ CHEMISTS _and_ MAIDS L.—SUITORS _look through window._)
_Chemists._— Yes! your Highness!
_King._— What’s the row?
_Prof._— The vital organs all are in.
_Chemists._— We vow!
_King._— There’s something wrong!
_Cara._— His heart is what I miss.
_Prof._— He has a heart—I’m certain!
_Sassy._ (_taking down heart mixture_)— What is this?
_Prof._— The mixture of the heart!!—Oh, woe is me!
But we can make him drink it!
_Sassy._ (_aside to_ MAIDS).— _Now_ we’ll see!
We’re ducky darlings, are we!—Where’s his nurse?
For drinking that I think he’ll turn out worse.
(_Prof. approaches_ EBEN. _with heart mixture._)
_Cara._— But will it hurt him?
_Prof._— No! it’s nice and sweet!
It’s made of caramels, from your receipt.
Here, gentle creature.
(_Offers mixture to_ EBEN.)
_Cara._— If he only would!
Please drink the mixture, dearest!
_Eben._— Is it good?
_Cara._— Delicious! it will soften all your woes.
_Sassy._ (_sarcastically_).—Oh, yes! it’s very soothing!
_Eben._— Well, here goes!
No. 11.
| (EBEN. _takes mixture from Prof. and drinks, then sings._)
|
| _Eben._— I feel a sort of heavenly spirit!
| I think there must be ginger in it.
|
| (_Drinks again._)
|
| I now begin to feel more frisky!
| I think it must be Bourbon whiskey.
|
| (_Drinks all._)
|
| (_Interlude._ EBEN. _begins to skip about and dance._)
|
No. 12.
| _Eben._— What a charming state is this,
| Glowing with ecstatic bliss,
| Pulse so full—so vigorous flows
| From head to heels—’way down to toes.
| I’ll up for action—strike for fame,
| I’ll win renown, as sure’s my name—
| I’ll win renown, as sure’s my name is—
| As sure’s my name is—
(_Pause—comes down._)
(_Speaks._) Ah! horrid thought—I have _no_ name.
Great Heavens!!
(_Turning to_ CARA. _and_ KING.)
What’s my name!!—do you hear me?
What’s my name!!!
(_Low music through following_; EBEN. _walks furiously up and down_; KING
_and_ PROF. _speak low, down_ L.; _while_ CARA. _stands deeply thinking_
R.)
_Cara._— Good gracious! (_Thinks._)
_Prof._— Murder!—here he has us flat.
He has _no_ name—we didn’t think of that!
_King._— No name?—that’s so! We left it out—great guns!
(_Pause, thinking._)
Great guns! great guns! great guns!
Professor, what’s the rhyme for _guns_?
_Prof._ (_hurriedly, breaking into prose_).—See! he’s getting very
angry—it’s no time for rhyme now.—Speak in prose—quick, for gracious
sakes! and think of something; get up some kind of a name, and tell
him—if he gets mad it will ruin all!
_King._—That’s a fact! He _is_ getting very angry. I can’t think—_you_
think of something, Professor—he’s scowling at me!
_Prof._—I see the force of your argument, and also observe the satanic
depression of the eye-brows you refer to; but, for the life of me, I
can’t think of anything but Johnny.
_King._— Well, call him Johnny—quick!
_Prof._ (_turning to Eben_).—Ahem! your name is—
_Cara._ (_suddenly coming front_).—Oh! I have it! It is a name I always
wanted my lover to have. How lucky it was that I remembered it. Oh! it’s
perfectly lovely!
No. 13.
| _Cara._— Oh! goddess fair. Ah! heavenly maid;
| Thou of Cyprian fame;
| I thank thee for thy loving aid
| In giving me this name—
| This most delightful name.
| No earthly radiance can compare,
| In beauty, with this name so fair.
|
| _All._— No earthly radiance can compare.
|
| _Cara._— This name for which I long have sought,
| Before which other names are naught;
| Most beautiful and charming name—
| Most exquisite and lovely name.
|
| _All._— A pleasant sound it has, no doubt.
| So now, at once, let’s have it out,
| That name—at once—let’s have it out,
| Is—
|
| _Cara._— E-b-eb-e-n-ez-e-r, spells Ebenezer,
| And R-i-l-e-y, spells Riley;
| Ebenezer Riley is his name.
|
| _All._— E-b-eb-e-n-ez-e-r, spells Ebenezer,
| And R-i-l-e-y spells Riley.
| Ebenezer Riley is his name.
|
| _Cara._— Oh! beautiful!
|
| _Eben_ (_angrily_).— ’Tis damnable!
|
| _All._— Oh! beautiful!
|
| _Eben._— No; damnable!
|
| _All._— We think it beautiful!
|
| _Eben._— Damnable! damnable!
| Damnable! damnable, etc.
|
| (_Ad lib., until it leads into_)
No. 14.
| _Eben._— Odious creatures! you’ve used me vilely,
| To give me such a name as Ebenezer Riley.
| Bah!
| Bah! bah! bah! bah!
|
| (_Walking up and down furiously._)
|
| _All._— How he’s raving! how he’s storming!
| Oh! I wish we’d given him another name.
| This is really quite alarming,
| I’m awful sorry that I came,
| I’m awful sorry that I came;
| I’m sorry that I came,
| I’m sorry that I came.
|
| (_Interlude._)
|
| _Eben._— Since you’ve named me Ebenezer—
| Ground me out of that hanged old freezer;
| And have worked your plans so slyly,
| By adding on the name of Riley,—
| Since it’s so you’ll find me a teazer;
| I’m going to get on my Ebenezer.
| Since it’s so I _will_ be rily.
| With a vengeance I will rile.
|
| _All._— How he’s raving! how he’s storming!
| Oh! I wish we’d given him another name.
| This is really quite alarming,
| I’m awful sorry that I came,
| I’m awful sorry that I came;
| I’m sorry that I came,
| I’m sorry that I came.
|
| _Eben._— { Oh! I will break up all your furniture and
| paraphernalia.
| _Cara. & S._— { See!! how he’s raving!
| _Chorus._— { Oh!—just—see—how—he—is—rav—ing!
|
| _Eben._— { I will exterminate, and devil a thing that can
| avail ye;
| _Cara. & S._— { Strangely behaving.
| _Chorus._— { How—in—de—cent—ly—be—hav—ing.
|
| _Eben._— { Break all your window-glass and play the dickens
| generally.
| _Cara. & S._— { Sad, this is getting.
| _Chorus._— { This—is—get—ting—most—vex—a—tious.
|
| _Eben._— { Yes! I will raise the very deuce!
| _Cara. & S._— { And alarming, too,
| _Chorus._— { And—a—larm—ing—too—good—gra—cious!
|
| _Eben._— { Oh! I will break up all your furniture and
| paraphernalia.
| _Cara. & S._— { Oh! dear me. Oh! dear me?
| _Chorus._— { ” ” ” ” ” ”
|
| _Eben._— { I will exterminate, and devil a thing that can
| avail ye.
| _Cara. & S._— { Can it be That is he?
| _Chorus._— { ” ” ” ” ” ”
|
| _Eben._— { Break all your window-glass, and play the dickens
| generally.
| _Cara. & S._— { Oh! dear me. Can it be?
| _Chorus._— { ” ” ” ” ” ”
|
| _Eben._— { Yes! I will raise the very deuce!!
| _Cara. & S._— { That is he.
| _Chorus._— { ” ” ”
(EBEN. _seizes glass retort and chases all out_—PROF. _dodges behind table
and_ EBEN. _chases him around—breaks retort._)
(_Curtain._)
ACT III.
(_Same scene as First Act, but windows all broken and everything
smashed—placard nailed up_: “RECRUITS WANTED!!” “EXPEDITION AGAINST
EBENEZER RILEY.” _Telephone hung by_ L. C. _door._)
(_Curtain rises upon_ SUITORS, _worn and dejected looking, sitting in a
row on back wall, holding guitars, all fast asleep._)
No. 1.
| (_Music._)
|
| (_Music gradually gets louder—at each rise of music, a suitor
| yawns and awakes._)
|
| _1st Suitor_ (_awakening, yawns_).— Ah——a!
|
| (_Pause for music._)
|
| _2d Suitor._— Ah——a!
|
| (_Pause._)
|
| _3d Suitor._— Ah——a!
|
| (_Pause._)
|
| _4th Suitor._— Ah——a!
|
| (_Pause._)
|
| _5th Suitor._— Ah——a!
|
| (_Pause._)
|
| _6th Suitor._— Ah——a!
|
| _All (yawning)._—Ah!—Ah!—Ah!—Ah!—
|
| (_Then continue in monotone._)
|
| _All._— Oh! how cold and stiff I am,
| Is it morning yet?
| Can the music of the guitar melt the heart
| Of the daughter of the King?
| No!—the music of the guitar can _not_ melt
| The heart of the daughter of the King.
| We have played all the tunes we know;
| This is the only one we have left,
| And still she is not melted!
No. 2.
| (_Music for_ KING’S _entrance._)
(_Enter_ KING C. _door, in night-gown and cap, with sceptre._)
_King._— Uneasy lies the head that wears a crown;
The live-long night, since e’er I laid me down,
Such horrid sounds—such vile, unearthly yells
Have echoed hence, as ’twere from deepest hells;
That slumber, filled with horror at it, fled,
And left me to my loneliness—in bed.
From hence, it came.
(_Looks around—sees_ SUITORS—_starts._)
Good gracious! Oh! it’s you?
_Suitors_ (_very meekly_).— Yes! please your Highness.
_King._— You’re a handsome crew!
_Suitors._— Yes! please your Highness.
_King._— Were you here all night?
_Suitors._— Yes! please your Highness.
_King._— Did you come to fight?
_Suitors._— Yes! please your Highness.
_King._— You enlist with me?
_Suitors._— Yes! please your Highness.
_King._— Then we all agree?
This Ebenezer Riley we must kill.
You swear to sweep him from the earth.
_Suitors_ (_very loud_).— _We will!!_
(SUITORS _all get down from wall, and come forward._)
_King._— That’s right!—Hey! captain!
(_1st S. comes forward._)
We must have the head
Of Ebenezer Riley—’live or dead.
Your regiment—’tis ready?
_Capt._ (_1st_ SUITOR).— Fully manned!
Besides this regiment, I’ve brought a band.
_King._— ’Tis well!—march out the army!
_Capt._— ’Tention—all!!
Four’s right by two along that garden wall.
Left wheel, and form a parabolic arch,
And stop right in the centre—forward—march!
(_6th S. marches to centre with gun._)
_King._— Ah!—that’s our army, is it?—fine display!
We’ve _never_ turned out finer than to-day.
He might be larger.
_Capt._— He’s the only one
Who knows the way to fire off that gun—
It’s dangerous.
_King._— Indeed!—this man will suit;
We want an army who knows how to shoot—
You think he’s fierce?
_Capt._— He’s thirsting for the fight!
(_To 6th S._) You’re thirsting, ar’n’t you?
(_Listening intently to 6th S._)
(_Turning to_ KING.) Yes!—he is!
_King._— That’s right!
And brave?
_Capt._ (_To 6th S._).— You’re brave?
(_Listening to 6th S._) He says he longs for gore!
_King._— And when he’s got it?
_Capt._ (_to 6th S._).— When you’ve got it?
(_Listening—then to_ KING.) More!!!
_King._— Ah! that’s a martial spirit fine to see;
I’ve rarely known a bolder soul than he.
_6th S._ (_timidly_).— Dear Captain!
_Capt._ (_to_ KING).— Ah!—excuse me—
(_Listening to 6th S.—then aloud._) Very well!
(_To_ KING.) Before he goes, he wishes you would tell
The size and nature of this villain.
_King._— Don’t he know
Our wicked, treacherous, and hated foe?
This Ebenezer Riley, fierce and bad,
Who roams about our country raving mad,
Who’s cutting all our water pipes, and gas,
And breaking all our French plate window glass:
Upsetting all our hay-stacks—throwing stones,
Destroying the wires of our telephones.
We tell you we won’t stand it any more;
And to make certain we have passed this law.
(KING _unrolls large proclamation. Music. Then King sings._)
No. 3.
_King_ (_spoken_).—Section one!
| (_Sings._) Nougat First the King of Pins,
| Hereditary monarch of this domain,
|
| (_Aside._) (This is the way the law begins.)
| First!
|
| (_Quickly and in monotone._)
|
| Whereas, A person calling himself Ebenezer Riley, has, by
| force and arms, cut the water pipes of our realm; cut
| the gas pipes of our realm; broken the window glass of
| our realm; upset the hay-stacks of our realm; frightened
| the women of our realm; prowled about our realm; and
| generally hurt, scared, damaged, terrified, and
| seriously deranged our realm;
| Be it Resolved!
|
| _All._— Ebenezer Riley must be hanged!
(_Telephone bell rings;—King goes back_ C., _and speaks through it._)
_King._—Hullo! Hullo! Hullo! Central office! Hey? Central office!
Central office!!! (_Aside._) (The central office is a little off his
base.) Hey? Of course I did! Connect me with central barracks. Yes,
they are too! Look in the Directory! Hey? Well, why didn’t you do it
before? What’s that you say? I heard you!—you confounded—(_Whispers
in telephone._) What? You’d better pay attention to business, or I
will. Hullo!—Central guard house and barracks! Of course it is.—Hey?
Yes! Nougat First! Well, you’d better! Have you seen Ebenezer Riley
this morning? Has he done anything in particular this A.M.? Can’t
you understand? Has he done anything in particular this A.M.?
Has-he-done-any-thing-in-par-tic-u-lar-this-D.-A.-M.!! Well, why didn’t
you say so—(By George!!) that’s the worst yet! Why didn’t you stop him?
Get it mended, then, so that it _will_ shoot. Oh, tell them to charge
it. Yes, they will—they know me. Riley broke it?—(Oh! the villain!) He
does, hey? Was he coming very rapidly? What? Oh! More indignities, more
destruction! (_Very angry._) I’ll fix him! (_Smiles._) You don’t say so!
Of course we can. Is he there now? (_Laughs._) That’s the best I’ve heard
yet. Well! Be sure that nobody wakes him. Hey? Oh! Good-bye. (_Comes
down._) By George!
| (_Sings._) Whereas, This person aforesaid, calling himself Ebenezer
| Riley, has gone and been and laid himself down upon the
| lea side of a convenient haystack, and whereas he has
| with him only a broom handle and two bricks, and whereas,
| besides all this, he is fast asleep and snoring like mad;
| Be it resolved:
|
| _All._— Ebenezer Riley must be hanged!
(_While_ KING _is singing enter_ CARA. _and_ SASSY. L., _who stand,
listening_ L., _back._)
_Cara._ (_to_ SASSY.).—What does this mean?
(_To_ KING.) What do you mean, I say.
Oh, father dearest! tell me quick, I pray!
What means this proclamation—what is wrong?
My former suitors here in raging throng;—
Why is that regiment equipped for war?
The reason why he scowls?
_King._— He thirsts for gore,
For Riley gore, alas! with pain I tell,
But Riley is behaving far from well.
_Cara._— What has he done?
_King._— I’ll tell you by-and-by.
But ’twon’t avail, for Riley’s doomed to die.
_Cara._— Oh, father dear, have pity! Oh, be kind,—
With Ebenezer’s fortune _I’m_ entwined.
I beg—implore you—by yon heavenly dome,
By all the stones of our ancestral home,
By yonder moat, so full of little snakes,
Which you delight to feed with buckwheat cakes.
(_King weeps._)
He weeps! he yields!
_King_ (_sobbing_).— My daughter, we relent;
We will abandon our unjust intent;—
But no!—the martial fire in us burns.
We are a King! and nothing ever turns
A sovereign from his purpose—we must go,
But we will do it very, _very_ slow.
_Cara._— But if you find my Ebenezer dear?
_King._— We’ll capture him alive, and bring him here;
If he will love you fondly, and behave,
We’ll save him from a disagreeable grave.
But if he _won’t_——
_Cara._— Oh! that’s a kind papa;
He _will_ behave—Ah! what a dear you are.
(_Kisses_ KING.)
_King._— But now, to action—captain!
_Capt._— Here! my Lord!
_King._— All ready?
_Capt._— Yes! your Highness.
_King._— Give the word.
_Capt._— Attention comp’ny!—sure you understand,
We’ll have a little prelude by the band,
Who’ll play us one of their most martial psalms,
Then march when I command you;
(_Aloud._) Shoulder arms!
(_Band plays prelude with orchestra, and also accompaniment to song, 6th
S. silent drill._)
No. 4.
| _King._— We go to death and carnage,
| And probably to wounds,
| But we shall take this band along,
| To play inspiring tunes;
| So do your duty bravely,
| And fight your very worst,
| For every deed will be observed
| By mighty Nougat First.
|
| _All._— Ta ra—ta ra—ta ra—ta ra—ta ra—
|
| (_All mark time._)
|
| So forward march to glory, and honor, and fame,
| So that we shall earn, when we return,
| A highly illustrious name.
| So forward march, to glory, and honor, and fame,
| So that we shall earn, when we return,
| A highly illustrious name.
|
| (_March about stage during chorus._)
|
| _2d Verse._
|
| _King._— This Riley is a bad one,
| The truth I will not hide,
| And when my daughter called him “sweet,”
| She obviously lied;
| But he who crushes him shall be
| Most richly reimbursed,
| By being made the son-in-law
| Of mighty Nougat First.
|
| _All._— Ta ra—ta ra—ta ra—ta ra—ta ra—
|
| _Chorus_ (_same as first._)
(_All keep step and march, at last chorus._)
(_Exeunt_ SUITORS R. _gate, marching and singing_, CARA. _and_ SASSY.
_waving handkerchiefs._)
(KING _marches around by himself, singing loudly—goes to_ R. _gate, turns
and says_,)
_King._— I go to face the horrors of war,
The horrors of war,
_Au-reservoir_, (_waving hand._)
(_Exit_ KING R. _gate._)
(_Pause._)
_Cara._— Ah me! I fear that trouble will arise,
Though Ebenezer dear is twice the size
Of that blood-thirsty army, still, _he’s_ armed
And Ebenezer isn’t—if he’s harmed
I don’t know what I’ll do—I’d like to know
Why Ebenezer is behaving so;
Before he drank that mixture he was good.
And would have been so sweet—I know he would.
(_Enter_ PROFESSOR, _slowly, carpet-bag, large comb and brush under his
arm, reading a large book._)
_Prof._ (_solil._)—Yes!—here it is—the very point I sought,
All night I’ve read, and wrestled with great thought,
And now I have it—Princess, where’s your pa.
_Cara._— My father, sir, has gone—
_Prof._— What!
_Cara._— Gone to war
’Gainst Mr. Riley—and I think he means
To split and smash him into smithereens.
_Prof._— To smithereens—to smithereens—Lost!! Lost!!
To think of all the time and thought he’s cost;
I’d just discovered—_here_—a recipe,
By which to change him good as he should be—
It’s just my luck.
_Cara._— What have you found?
_Prof._— Observe—
Guy Fawkes’s hair was parted in a curve,
Dick Turpin’s parting, in a cue was hid,
But probably, ’twas just like Captain Kidd,
Whose hair was parted in a side-long course,
Also the men who kidnapped Charlie Ross;
Jeff Davis, Cettawayo, Robespierre,—
All wicked men, thus parted wore their hair;
You see the point—these wicked men defied
Kind nature’s laws by parting on the side;
George Washington’s was parted, so I’ve read,
Exactly in the middle of the head;
Ben Franklin, Martin Luther, Newton, too,
Mark Twain and Kit Columbus, Richelieu;
Diogenes, Ben Butler, Cicero,
Moody and Sankey, and others you well know.
All these good men, without the barber’s art,
Had hair which curled out from a centre part.
Now, Riley’s hair is frizzled in a bang,
Which places him among the wicked gang.
I found this point within that ancient tome,
And could have cured him with this brush and comb.
_Cara._— Oh! try it, sir.
_Prof._— They’ve gone!
_Cara._— It’s not too late!
Oh! find my pa!
_Prof._— I will, as sure as fate!
(_Exit_ PROF., _running, large gate_ R.)
_Cara._— Yes, he is right. (_Looking around audience._)
(_Solil._) I see it everywhere!
This side and middle parting of the hair.
I see—(_looking about audience_)—
That underneath each centre part
There is a softness both of head and heart;
And if a parting on the side there be,
The head and heart is hard.
(_Looking about the audience._)
Yes, so I see.
Ah! if that dear Professor is in time,
’Twill save my love from danger—pa from crime.
I wonder why my Eben. rages so,
That he to our caress returns a blow.
That mixture was the cause of all this pain,
(_Looking at_ SASSY., _who cries._)
And trouble—why, you’re crying once again!
_Sassy._— Oh, Princess! I have suffered for a week,
And cannot stand it longer. I _must_ speak!
I did it!
_Cara._— Sassyfrass!
_Sassy._— Oh, Princess dear!
I must confess—my crime you now shall hear.
No. 5.
| (_Music._ SASSY. _comes forward and sings._)
|
| _Sassy._— When Ebenezer’s vital senses
| Were lying ’round in little boxes,
| A-brooding over his offences,
| We entered the Professor’s den,
| For vengeance in our hearts was raging.
| With wicked zeal we wished to spoil
| The beauteous work that he was making—
| The grand result of years of toil.
|
| (CARA. _and_ SASSY. _dance around together, both weeping._)
|
| _Cara._— What is this story I hear?
|
| _Sassy._— Pardon me, Princess dear!
|
| _Cara._— Poor Ebenezer!
|
| (_Both._) { What shall I do?
| { Heavy and troubled my heart;
| { Sorry and gloomy my lot.
| { Sad is my heart!
| { Sad is my heart!
|
| _2d verse._
|
| _Sassy._— Upon a shelf we found the mixture,
| Containing all the preparation
| For making of the heart a fixture
| Secure in Ebenezer’s frame.
| We poured the mixture in a mortar.
| And then with vile and wicked art
| We did a thing we hadn’t oughter,
| We pounded in that Cinnamon Heart.
|
| (_Duet—same as first—both dancing and weeping._)
No. 6.
(_Hurried music—girls stop expectant_, CARA. _front_ R., SASSY. _back_
L.—_great noise_—_enter_ KING, _with bloody nose, over wall—runs across._)
_King._— The foe! the foe! the foe!
(_Exit quickly_, C. _door—enter_ CAPT. _in same way._)
_Capt._— Oh! what a dreadful blow!
(_Exit same way—enter 2d_ SUITOR _in same way._)
_2d S._— Ah! bitter, bitter woe! (_Drops tin drum._)
(_Exit_ C. _door—enter 3d S._)
_3d S._— Tremendous overthrow!
(_Exit_ C. _door—enter 4th S._)
_4th S._— We are pursued—I know!
(_Exit_ C. _door—enter 5th S._)
_5th S._— He’s right out there, below!
(_Exit_ C. _door—enter 6th S._)
_6th S._— That old gun wouldn’t go!
(_Throws down gun, and exit_ C. _door._)
_Sassy._— I know that _I_ can go.
(_Exit_ C. _door._)
_Cara._— My beau! my beau!
(_Stands waiting._)
(_Drawbridge raised from inside—pause—then noise, and_ EBEN. _jumps
over wall, rushes to_ C., _picks up gun, turns to castle and speaks
furiously._)
_Eben._— Hi yar! hoo raw! Where are those bloody wretches?
I very nearly had them in my clutches.
Come out, you rascals! show your ugly faces,
And I will pound you black and blue, like blazes.
Come out! Come out! You, Nougat 1st—you coward!
You’re quicker far at running back, than forward.
Come out, I say! Send out that valiant army.
Ho! send it out, I say!—it won’t alarm me.
Why don’t it come? Perhaps it doesn’t care to.
Ha! ha!—You dirty cowards, you don’t dare to.
Come out, you crows!—you black and ugly jack-daws!
You can’t escape—that castle has no back doors.
I know it well—I’ve been about here often.
Come out! Perhaps your arguments can soften
My righteous anger. Ha! why don’t you try it?
My anger’s cheap—it’s possible to buy it.
Yes! I’ll relent if bags of gold are showered.
(_Aside._) He hasn’t any gold. (_Aloud._) Come out, you coward!
You won’t come out? I’ll drag you out and pound you
Like that! and that! and that! and that! etc.
(_Pounds on tin drum ad lib. with gun—knocks it about until in front of_
Cara.—_sees her, and stops suddenly._)
(_Pause._)
(EBEN. _and_ CARA. _looking at each other._)
_Cara._ (_softly_).—My love!
(_Pause._)
My love!
_Eben._ (_astonished_).—A spirit!!
_Cara._— Nay, my dear!
I’m not a spirit—there’s no spirit here.
I’m Caramella; still in love, and true
To all the vows I plighted.
_Eben._— Ha! it’s _you_!!!
(_Springs at_ CARA., _seizes her and begins to squeeze her in anger—likes
it and changes manner._)
I’ll have _your_ blood, in spite of all appeals.
I’ll squeeze you into shreds!
(_Aside._) How nice it feels.
(_Business. Puts arm around_ CARA.’S _waist—both come down._)
You can’t be Caramella—she was plain;
And _you_ are sweet:
(_Aside._) I’m going to squeeze again.
(_Embraces and kisses_ CARA.)
There! are you angry? Nay—you smile at this.
You seem to like it. Is it wrong to kiss?
But though ’gainst worldly fashion or its law,
I’ll brave the consequence, and kiss once more.
But where?—your lips? Your cheek is softer far.
Your hair?—Your eyes are softer than your hair.
What shall I kiss? You like it?—then command.
_Cara._ (_looking at audience_).—They’re looking at us.
_Eben._— Then I’ll kiss your hand.
(_Kneels and kisses_ CARA.’S _hand._)
And this is Caramella; is she changed,
Or have I been demented, mad, deranged?
I didn’t like her manner; it appeared
As if she thought I ought to be endeared
Immediately to her; which, of course,
I didn’t do.
_Cara._— Why not?
_Eben._— Oh! I felt cross.
I don’t like to be ordered here and there;
I have too many troubles now to bear.
_Cara._— And have you troubles? Share them, dear, with me.
_Eben._— I’ve troubles, yes—particularly three;
I’d like to find out by what moral right
A lot of city swells come out to fight
And chase me ’round the country—that’s the first.
And then I have a most _infernal_ thirst,
As if I’d eaten pepper, salt, or cinnamon,—
_Cara._— Ah! Cinnamon!!!
_Eben._— Yes, and when it’s once begun,
The pain is terrible—so sharp and tart,
With such a bad effect upon the heart—
A burning feeling—like a fiery flame.
But worst of all _my_ troubles is my name.
_Cara._— Oh, I will share _that_!
_Eben._ (_aside_).— Now—what can she mean,
How can she share that trouble—am I green?
(_Aloud._) No!—I suppose I’ll always be stared at
As “Ebenezer Riley”—think of that!
It pains me—but the name is for a man.
_You_ couldn’t share a _man’s_ name.
_Cara._— Yes, I can!
_Dear_ Ebenezer! (_Sweetly._)
_Eben._ (_starting_).— Ah!—say that again;
_That_ sounds delightful!—_that_ don’t give me pain;
That’s _quite_ a pretty name!—Oh say it more,
It never sounded beautiful before.
_Cara._— Oh!—Ebenezer. (_Sweetly._)
_Eben._— Lovely!!—why, it’s fine,
I wouldn’t _know_ the name—it _can’t_ be mine,
It’s much _too_ good—a little while ago,
You said you’d share it—now I want to know
How that can be?
_Cara._ (_coyly_).— By getting married!
_Eben._— How?
We marry?—well, I rather like it now;
Yes!—that’s a fine idea.
_Cara._— Ah!—_now_ you’re good,
I’m very glad that you have understood;
I was afraid you wouldn’t—now let’s talk
Of our plans—and take a little walk;
We have a pretty garden over there,
(_Pointing_ L.)
It’s my especial property and care,
And as we walk—we will beguile the way
By saying pretty things—
_Eben._— Yes!—so I say;
I’ll whisper, first, those pretty things to thee,
Then you must answer pretty things to me.
No. 7.
| (_Music._)
|
| (EBEN. _sings._)
|
| _Eben._— A tender fragrance fills the air,
| The flowers bloom when thou art near;
| Rivulets stop to listen
| When thy sweet voice they hear.
| Rushing away with passion torn,
| Never at peace when thou art gone.
| But thou art here,
| Ah!—my dear.
| Never shall we parted be,
| Never a clouded sky;
| Never a shadow fall to thee,
| Never a troubled sigh!
|
| (_Interlude._)
|
| _2d Verse._
|
| _Eben._— To thee—cold fate no ill can bring,
| The rose—no thorn, the bee—no sting,
| Melody fills all nature,
| Hoping to hear thee sing;
| Clashing aloud in accents mad,
| Weeping again when thou art sad;
| But thou art glad,
| Ah!—my dear!
| Never shall we parted be,
| Never a clouded sky,
| Never a shadow fall to thee,
| Never a troubled sigh.
(EBEN. _holds_ CARAMELLA’S _hand—suddenly starts—looks around—sniffs and
smells and starts away._)
_Eben._ (_furiously_),—
I smell carbonic acid—phosphorus,
That vile Professor!!
_Cara._— He can’t trouble us,
He’s not here!
_Eben._— Well—perhaps I may be wrong,
My sense of smelling, though, is very strong.
Ah dearest. (_Very tenderly._)
(_Again changes manner—sniffs and smells—starts back._)
(_Violently._) Lager!!—I smell lager beer!
That King—that coward Nougat has been here;
I _know_ he has!
_Cara._— Oh what a silly man,
Now do be good and pleasant, if you can.
I dream of you as charming—Ah! those dreams!
(EBEN. _smiles sweetly._)
That’s right—that’s how you look.
(KING _looks out of window._)
_King_ (_aside_).— How sweet he seems.
(EBEN. _and_ CARA. _turn and see_ KING.)
_Cara._— Oh!—there’s Papa! (_Joyfully._)
_Eben._ (_satirically_).— Yes!—there’s Papa!
_Cara._— Oh—come!
Come down and see us—we are waiting.
_King_ (_doubtingly_).— Hum!!
(_Aside to_ CARA.) He’s safe?
_Cara._— I’ve made of him a perfect cure.
_Eben._ (_through teeth._) Oh yes!—I’m cured!
(_Aside._) I have him this time, sure!!
(EBEN. _picks up gun, and begins to turn back cuffs_—KING_ leaves
window._)
_Cara._— Oh!—isn’t this delightful—here we are,
All three united—you and I, and Pa.
_Eben._ (_satirically_).—Oh yes!—it’s very pleasant.
(_Enter_ KING C. _door—comes forward very blusteringly._)
_King._— Ah!—how do!
How are you Riley—glad to welcome you.
I didn’t know that you were here—before;
Come, shake hands and be friends again!
_Eben._ (_yelling_).— Hoo—raw!!
(_Turns and jumps at_ KING _with gun._)
I have you this time—lone and overpowered,
And now I’ll give you fits—you bloody coward.
(_Chasing and hitting_ King.)
_Cara._— Oh!—Ebenezer!!
_King_ (_running_).— Murder!!—help!!
_Eben._ (_chasing and striking_ KING).— Hoo—raw!!
(KING _falls_—EBENEZER _strikes as he speaks._)
Take that!—and that!—and that!—and more!
Take that!—and that!—and that!—(_etc. ad lib. until_
(SUITORS _rush in—capture_ EBEN.—SUITORS _sit on him._)
(KING _rises slowly and rubs himself._)
_King._— Good gracious!—Oh!—my back.
_Capt._— We have him tight!
_Cara._— Don’t hurt him!
_Eben._— Let me go and I will fight
The whole ungainly pack of you—let go
Unhand me!!
(_Struggles to get free—rises but is held by_ SUITORS.)
_King._— Silence!!
_Cara._— Give him freedom.
_King._— No!
Just take him to the dungeon—let me see,
The darkest and most dirty—forty-three—
In forty-three secure him to the floor
With irons—pound and kick him ’till he’s raw;
Scrape him with files—put him upon the rack—
Let’s see—what else—Oh—cauterize his back.
That’s all I think——
_Cara._— Oh Father—Father!
_King_ (_to Capt._).— Go!!
(_Exeunt_ CAPT. _and_ SUITORS, _leading_ EBEN.—CARA. _sinks down
sobbing._)
_Cara._ (_starting up_).—
I pray you Father—
_King_ (_aside_).— Here it comes—I know.
_Cara._— Oh Father—dearest Father—hear me now,
I charge you, Father—yes—by all your—
_King_ (_interrupting, and calling loudly_).— Captain!!
(_Aside._) I’m not going to be wheedled over to mercy—if she charges
me I know I’ll explode.
(_Enter Capt._)
(_Loudly._) Captain, I say—well—what do you
Stand there looking at——
Why don’t you bring him out?
_Capt._— Who—Riley?
_King._— Of course—Riley—who else should
I mean—why don’t you obey me, sir?
Bring him out!
_Capt._— Yes, sir.
_King._— Bring a block!
_Capt._— Yes, sir.
_King._— Bring the executioner!
_Capt._— Yes, sir.
_King_ (_low_).—And captain, invite all the maids to the execution—25
cents a ticket—they’ll pay it. (_Loud._) Well—why
don’t you obey—do you hear me?
(_Exit_ CAPT., _hurriedly._)
(KING _walks up and down, mumbling to himself_—CARA. _sobbing down_ R.)
No. 8.
(_Music._)
(_Enter_ SUITORS _with block_—CAPTAIN _stands at door and takes tickets
from maids. Enter_ EXECUTIONER _with great pair of scissors—enter_
CHEMISTS _leading_ EBENEZER. _All take positions, viz._):
[Illustration]
No. 9.
| (_Music._)
|
| _King._— This is a very unpleasant situation,
| But we must proceed without further hesitation.
| This _is as_ good a way as I knows—
|
| (_Pointing to scissors._)
|
| To dispose of my foes!
|
| (EXECUTIONER _comes down with scissors._)
|
| _All._— This _is as_ good a way—
| This _is as_ good a way as he knows
| To dispose of his foes.
|
| (_Interlude._)
|
| _Maids._— Oh! he’s going to have his head cut off—
| Oh! how horrid he will look!
|
| _All._— Shish! shish! shish! shish!
| Never more—no, never, can he have his
| Picture took. Never more—no, never, can he have his
| Picture took.
|
| (EXECUTIONER _prepares to cut_ EBEN.’S _head off with scissors._)
|
| _King._— Proceed!—why do you hesitate?
|
| _Maids._— Oh! he’s going to begin!
| Oh! I wish we had the money back we
| Paid for our tickets.
|
| _Suitors._— Just look at him—
|
| _All._— He’s going for to cut his head off!
| He’s going for to cut his head off!!
| He’s going for to cut his head off!!!
|
| (_All hold last note._)
|
| (PROF. _heard outside.—all wait expectant holding note—enter_ PROF.
| _hurriedly—jumps over wall—runs to centre—Tableau._)
No. 10.
| _Prof._— Hold!
|
| (_Fast._) Never was a time when so fast I’ve had to travel,
| Jumping over ditches and tremendous heaps of gravel,
| Back yards, pits, and innumerable brick kilns,
| Coal bins, ash heaps, otherwise impregnable;
| Mud, dirt, wet and objectionable odors,
| Chemically mixed of asafœtida and sodas,
| Hedges, holes, apparently impossible,
| Striving to stop this horrible slaughter.
|
| (_Opens book—pointing to it significantly._)
|
| (_Slowly._) _Omnes boni_—all good men.
| _In medio_—in the middle of the head.
| _Capitam_—all the hair.
| _Dividunt_—they divide.
| Part their hair in the middle of the head—so—
| (_Fast._) Putting this important observation into practice,
| The interesting and absorbing scientific fact is,
| If a person is too excitable,
| Send for a brush and comb.
|
| (_Recit._) Just observe the demonstration of this point.
|
| (_Turns to_ EBEN.—_takes out comb and brush and begins to part his
| hair in the middle while singing._)
|
| _Eben._— Away—away—away! I tell you stand away!!
|
| _Prof._— Now, Ebenezer, please be still.
|
| _All._— Please be still—please be still.
|
| _Prof._— And with this comb I’ll cure your ill.
|
| _All._— Riley, please be still.
|
| _King._— It’s pleasant, if you knew it.
|
| _All._— Please be still—please be still.
|
| _Eben._— I’d like to see you do it.
|
| _All._— Riley, please be still.
| Riley, please be still.
| Riley, please be still.
|
| (PROF. _gives finishing touches to_ EBEN.’S _hair—unbinds him_—EBEN.
| _gets up—rubs his eyes—then goes around shaking hands while others
| are singing._)
|
| _Prof._— Success!
|
| _P._, _C._, _S._ & _K._— Success!
|
| _All._— Success!
|
| _Prof._— Oh! I am a great astrologer—
|
| _All._— A regular sockdologer.
|
| _Prof._— A graduated colleger,
| My name is Finigin,
| I get my knowledge from the stars,
| From pickled snakes put up in jars,
| From dead men’s wired vertebras,
| From skulls of apes and men.
|
| _All._— He is a great ass—
|
| (PROF. _turns and scowls._)
|
| ——trologer,
| He is a great ass—trologer,
| He is a great ass—trologer.
|
| _Eben._ (_pointing to Prof._)—
| By virtue of his magic art,
| In giving my hair a central part,
| We’ve quenched this fiery Cinnamon Heart.
| And caused my madness to depart.
|
| (CARA. _joins_ EBEN.—_both take hands—come down on 1st line—back on
| 2d._)
|
| _Eben. &_ { Our troubles all are through,
| _Cara._— { Now I can marry you.
|
| (_Go back_—KING _comes down in same way._)
|
| _Eben. &_ { Though I am black and blue,
| _King._— { I’ll mix the wedding brew.
|
| (_Goes back_—Sassy. _and_ Prof. _come forward in same way._)
|
| _Sassy. &_ { There’s nothing more to do,
| _Prof._— { We can be married too.
|
| (_Go back_—K., C., E., S. & P. _take hands and come down in same way._)
|
| { An invitation true
| { We now present to you.
|
| (_To audience._)
|
| (_All take hands—come down on 1st line, back on 2nd—all singing._)
|
| _All._— Hi yar—Hi yar—we’ll all be married too—Hi yar,
| Hi yar—Hi yar—an invitation true—Hi yar!
| Hi yar—Hi yar—we now extend to you—Hi yar!
| Hi yar—Hi yar—we’ll all be married too—Hi yar!
|
| (_Repeat faster._)
CURTAIN.
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