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Title: It's time something happened
Author: Arthur Doyle
Release date: March 22, 2026 [eBook #78266]
Language: English
Original publication: New York: D. Appleton & Company, 1925
Other information and formats: www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/78266
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*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK IT'S TIME SOMETHING HAPPENED ***
APPLETON SHORT PLAYS
No. 4
IT’S TIME SOMETHING
HAPPENED
IT’S TIME SOMETHING
HAPPENED
BY
ARTHUR DOYLE
[Illustration]
D. APPLETON AND COMPANY
NEW YORK ¤ LONDON ¤ MCMXXV
COPYRIGHT, 1925, BY
D. APPLETON AND COMPANY
_All Rights Reserved_
This play is fully protected by the copyright law, all requirements
of which have been complied with. No performance, either professional
or amateur, may be given without the permission of the publisher, D.
APPLETON AND COMPANY, 35 West 32nd Street, New York, or D. APPLETON AND
COMPANY, 25 Bedford Street, Covent Garden, London, England.
Copyright, 1924, by Arthur Doyle
PRINTED IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA
IT’S TIME SOMETHING HAPPENED
CAST
THE PROLOGUE
THE SHE-ANGLE
THE HE-ANGLE
THE PLAYWRIGHT
THE POET
THE NOVELIST
THE ACTRESS
THE HUSBAND, _another He-Angle_
(_The_ PROLOGUE _steps before the curtain. He is dressed in tights,
etc., and carries a trumpet._)
PROLOGUE
Do you know who I am? Yes, I’m the Prologue. I’m not really the
Prologue: I am really the Exposition. But they put tights on me and
gave me this (_indicating the trumpet_) and called me the Prologue. I
can’t play a trumpet, but it goes well with my tights and looks good,
and besides it’s something to lean on while I’m standing over there.
Yes, I stand there during the whole play. It’s that kind of play.
There, I’ve told you! Yes, you’re going to see a play of a sort. Maybe
it won’t be much of a play. That will depend on how much of a help you
are. I suppose I’ve got to explain. That is part of my duties as the
Exposition.
You see last night a young man (he must have been a very young man)
dreamed a dream. I don’t mean that you can dream anything but a dream,
but it is better to say “dreamed a dream” than to say simply, “he
dreamed.” Now, this young man dreamed about triangles--not the kind he
ought to have dreamed about as a student of higher mathematics and a
very young man--but the other kind. He must have been pretty much of a
playgoer, this young man.
As I say, he dreamed of triangles. He dreamed of a man and a wife and
another man. That’s what is known as a triangle, you know. He didn’t
give much time to the husband, but he did get the wife and the other
man into a terrible mess. He made them fall in love, and he was just
about to solve the problem of how he was going to get rid of the
husband--that’s always the problem of triangles, you know--when he woke
up.
Do you see the difficulty? Here are two angles, desperately in love,
and they haven’t yet found out how they can get rid of the husband
angle. And, moreover--but no, I’ve been enough Exposition for the
present. If anything comes up that you don’t understand, I’ll try to
make it clear to you. I’ll be right over here if you want me. If you’re
all ready, we’ll begin. Just remember that you’re to help the angles if
you can, please!
(_He walks to one side and folds his arms. The curtains part, revealing
a blank wall of curtains in the rear. Before curtains are three high
stools._ _On left stool the_ SHE-ANGLE _sits and on right stool the_
HE-ANGLE, _leaving the center stool vacant_.)
HE-ANGLE
Well?
SHE-ANGLE (_shortly_)
I didn’t say anything.
HE-ANGLE
Oh!
(_Pause._)
SHE-ANGLE
What?
HE-ANGLE
I didn’t say anything.
SHE-ANGLE
Oh!
(_Pause._)
HE-ANGLE
This isn’t getting us anywhere.
SHE-ANGLE
That’s right. Blame it on me!
HE-ANGLE
Who’s blaming it on you?
SHE-ANGLE
You are!
HE-ANGLE
I’m not!
SHE-ANGLE
You are!
HE-ANGLE
I’m not!
SHE-ANGLE
I say you are.
HE-ANGLE
I’m--Oh, well, have it your own way. But, after all, it isn’t getting
us anywhere, is it?
SHE-ANGLE
Who said it was?
HE-ANGLE
That’s right. Blame it on me!
SHE-ANGLE
Who’s blaming it on you?
HE-ANGLE
You are.
SHE-ANGLE
I’m not!
HE-ANGLE
You-- Oh, there we go again. (_Gets off chair and paces across stage._)
After all, it _isn’t_ getting us anywhere.
SHE-ANGLE
Well, I’ve done all I could.
HE-ANGLE
What have you done?
SHE-ANGLE
I’ve done everything I could.
HE-ANGLE
So I heard you say. But what have you done?
SHE-ANGLE
I’ve racked my brains for days, if you want to know.
HE-ANGLE
Oh, surely, it didn’t take all that.
SHE-ANGLE
All what?
HE-ANGLE
Days.
SHE-ANGLE (_beginning to sob_)
There! You’re just like all men. Oh! And I thought you different.
HE-ANGLE
Oh, come now! I say, there isn’t any reason for that.
SHE-ANGLE
Oh, no! You’d say not. You would.
HE-ANGLE
Well, what did I say?
SHE-ANGLE
You said--(_Sobs._)--You said I didn’t have any brains.
HE-ANGLE
I didn’t!
SHE-ANGLE
You did.
HE-ANGLE
I didn’t.
SHE-ANGLE (_sobbing_)
You _did_!
HE-ANGLE
Oh, well. (_He goes over to her and takes her hand._) I’m sorry.
Really, I am, if I said it, but I don’t think I did.
SHE-ANGLE (_brightening_)
Well, you did.
HE-ANGLE
I’m sorry. (_Puts arm about her._) I am like all men, I guess.
SHE-ANGLE
What do you mean by that?
HE-ANGLE
Oh, nothing. But what are you going to do about it?
SHE-ANGLE
I’ve been trying to tell you all along, if you’d only let me.
HE-ANGLE
What have you been trying to tell me?
SHE-ANGLE
What I’m going to do about it.
HE-ANGLE
Oh!
SHE-ANGLE
What?
HE-ANGLE
Nothing. I just said “Oh”!
SHE-ANGLE
Oh!
(_Pause._)
HE-ANGLE
Well?
SHE-ANGLE
I didn’t say anything.
HE-ANGLE
Oh!
(_Pause._)
SHE-ANGLE
You see, I will not just run away from my husband. I say I won’t!
HE-ANGLE
No! Certainly not. But what are you going to do? You know I love you.
Where do I come in?
SHE-ANGLE
Well, I’ve sent for a playwright.
HE-ANGLE
Oh!
SHE-ANGLE
Yes.
HE-ANGLE
But what good is a playwright?
SHE-ANGLE
Why, don’t you see? To get us out of this mess.
HE-ANGLE
But what _good_ is he?
SHE-ANGLE
Why, don’t you see?
HE-ANGLE
No.
SHE-ANGLE
Why, playwrights have to do with angles, and triangles, and all that
sort of thing. He should be able to help us.
HE-ANGLE
Oh!
(_Pause._)
SHE-ANGLE
Well?
HE-ANGLE
I didn’t say anything.
SHE-ANGLE
Oh!
(_Pause._)
SHE-ANGLE
But I think you might.
HE-ANGLE
Might what?
SHE-ANGLE
Say something. What do you think of it--my plan?
HE-ANGLE
Oh! it’s all right, I guess.
SHE-ANGLE
You guess!
(_Looks as if on the verge of tears._)
HE-ANGLE
Why, of course it is. It’s fine; that’s what it is. It’s great! But
suppose he won’t be able to help us?
SHE-ANGLE
He--(_Looks off left._)--Here he comes! He will! (_Enter_ PLAYWRIGHT
_from left_. _Both_ HE-ANGLE _and_ SHE-ANGLE _look at him curiously_.
HE-ANGLE _goes back to his stool_.)
PLAYWRIGHT
You sent for me?
SHE-ANGLE
So you’re really a playwright! Oh!
PLAYWRIGHT
Well, rather. You sent for me?
SHE-ANGLE
Yes. I sent for you.
PLAYWRIGHT
Well?
HE-ANGLE }
SHE-ANGLE } (_together_)
I didn’t say anything.
PLAYWRIGHT
But what did you send for me for?
SHE-ANGLE
I told you that--in my letter. You know--my husband. We’ve got to get
free from him.
PLAYWRIGHT
Oh, yes! Husband--triangle. H’m.
SHE-ANGLE
I thought that you, being a playwright--
PLAYWRIGHT
Yes, yes, of course.
SHE-ANGLE
You see, it’s really a very serious matter.
PLAYWRIGHT
H’m! Oh, not so serious!
HE-ANGLE
But what are we going to do about it?
PLAYWRIGHT
Not so fast, young man! Don’t be impatient.
HE-ANGLE
But we’re tired just being--angles.
PLAYWRIGHT
Of course. H’m! Have you told him?
SHE-ANGLE
Whom?
PLAYWRIGHT
Why, your husband.
SHE-ANGLE
No.
PLAYWRIGHT
No, of course not. But it is all very plain.
HE-ANGLE
What is all very plain?
PLAYWRIGHT
It’s all very simple. All you have to do is to run away.
HE-ANGLE }
SHE-ANGLE } Run away!
PLAYWRIGHT
Why, of course. Together!
SHE-ANGLE
But--but the scandal.
PLAYWRIGHT
Ah, of course--the scandal. Wonderful! Think of it. The whole town
talking. Ah, Pinero! Everyone that’s worth while. Of course!
SHE-ANGLE
But I don’t want them to talk!
PLAYWRIGHT
Don’t be foolish! Think of the dialogue!
HE-ANGLE
The what?
PLAYWRIGHT
The dialogue. Think of what people will say! Sparkling, eh, what!
Scintillating! Think of it! Ah, Wilde!
SHE-ANGLE
But I don’t want them to talk!
PLAYWRIGHT
Well, of all the--! But they will talk!
HE-ANGLE
No!
PLAYWRIGHT
Yes! Of course they will. Do you think they’re fools? If they didn’t
talk, why--why there wouldn’t be any sense to triangles. You angles
must take the consequences. If you must angle, you must be talked about.
SHE-ANGLE
No! I refuse!
HE-ANGLE
Certainly not!
(_Pause._)
PLAYWRIGHT
Well, then, if you insist on shutting out dialogue. There--have you
thought of--How is your husband?
SHE-ANGLE
Why, well, thank you! Why--What do you mean?
PLAYWRIGHT
I mean--doesn’t he have anything?
SHE-ANGLE
Doesn’t he have anything?
PLAYWRIGHT
Why, yes--apoplexy or locomotor ataxia, or diabetes, or something?
SHE-ANGLE
Why--why, no!
PLAYWRIGHT
Pshaw, that’s too bad.
SHE-ANGLE
But I don’t know what you mean!
PLAYWRIGHT
Why, don’t you see? If he had something, he’d be bound to die at the
right moment--which is now. Sort of an unwritten law among husbands,
you know. They always do. They’re bound to in such cases as this--if
everything else fails.
SHE-ANGLE
Well, he won’t.
HE-ANGLE
No, he’s healthy as a fool! Besides, he wouldn’t have the decency.
SHE-ANGLE
He would! He would die, if he could. I know he would!
HE-ANGLE
He wouldn’t! He’s too mean!
SHE-ANGLE
He isn’t! Besides, I don’t want him to die.
HE-ANGLE
Who said you did?
SHE-ANGLE
You did!
HE-ANGLE
I didn’t!
SHE-ANGLE
You _did_! You _did_! You _did_!
HE-ANGLE
Oh, well!
PLAYWRIGHT
Come now, this isn’t getting us anywhere. We’re not through yet.
There’s still another chance.
HE-ANGLE }
SHE-ANGLE } (_together_)
What is it?
PLAYWRIGHT
Hire a yacht!
SHE-ANGLE
A yacht?
PLAYWRIGHT
Of course. Hire a yacht and get shipwrecked.
SHE-ANGLE
Oh!
HE-ANGLE
Get shipwrecked?
PLAYWRIGHT
Of course. Hire a yacht and go to the South Sea Islands--Fiji will do.
Get shipwrecked--it’s very easy to manage. Then, out there, under the
open sky and the stars--nature will tell.
SHE-ANGLE
Nature will tell?
PLAYWRIGHT
Why, yes. You’ll fight--you (_to_ HE-ANGLE) and he. Let the best man
win! You’ll win--unless you lose. In either case--(_To_ SHE-ANGLE.) In
either case you’ll be satisfied. If your husband wins, you’ll find that
all along you wanted your husband to win. (_Indicating_ HE-ANGLE.) If
he wins, you’ll be happy to know that the man destiny picked for you
won. It’s a fine place, the South Seas. You’re always satisfied.
SHE-ANGLE
But I don’t want to go to the South Seas!
HE-ANGLE
Neither do I. It’s too lonely.
PLAYWRIGHT
Ah, no! It isn’t lonely any more. The South Seas have become very
popular with the people who want to read their Ten Favorite Books and
who never would read them anywhere else. You’d not be lonely--if you
enjoy Shakespeare and Walt Whitman.
SHE-ANGLE
I hate Shakespeare, and I hate Walt Whitman! I won’t go! A fortune
teller once told me I’d die by drowning, and I won’t go aboard a ship!
PLAYWRIGHT
Not even to Europe?
SHE-ANGLE
Not even to Europe.
PLAYWRIGHT
How vulgar! (_He walks toward off stage._) Good day!
SHE-ANGLE
What, are you going?
PLAYWRIGHT
Yes, I’m going. What do you expect me to do? Stay here and be insulted?
HE-ANGLE
Be insulted?
PLAYWRIGHT
Yes, be insulted. When you sent for me, I thought you would follow my
advice. I have more to give, but I refuse to have my ideas laughed at.
They’ve always been successful before--they still are in a thousand
cases. But you think you’re too good, and your husband is too damn
healthy, and yourself too superstitious. Good day.
(_He lifts his hat and passes out right. Both_ HE-ANGLE _and_ SHE-ANGLE
_look disconsolately after him_.)
SHE-ANGLE
Well?
HE-ANGLE
I didn’t say anything.
SHE-ANGLE
Oh!
(_Pause._)
HE-ANGLE
I told you so!
SHE-ANGLE
What did you tell me?
HE-ANGLE
That a fool playwright wouldn’t be any help.
SHE-ANGLE
You didn’t!
HE-ANGLE
I did! Now if you’d followed my plan in the first place!
SHE-ANGLE
You didn’t have any plan.
HE-ANGLE
I did. You know I did. My friend, the Poet. If you’d only sent for
him--He’d be able to help us. A poet’s got imagination. That’s what we
need--imagination. He’s got it--my friend, the Poet.
SHE-ANGLE
Why didn’t _you_ send for him?
HE-ANGLE
I did, even if you wouldn’t. I asked him to come, and he said he’d be
right over.
SHE-ANGLE
Well, why didn’t he come?
HE-ANGLE
He’d been here long ago if it hadn’t been for that fool of a
playwright. I never liked playwrights anyway. Poets for me every time.
They’re so practical.
SHE-ANGLE
Well, why doesn’t he come?
HE-ANGLE
He probably is here; no doubt he’s been here all the time that fool
Playwright was here, only I didn’t want to have them meet. They don’t
hitch very well, Poets and Playwrights. At least any more. (_He looks
toward_ PROLOGUE.) Is the Poet here?
(_The_ PROLOGUE _looks off stage right_.)
PROLOGUE
Yes, the Poet is here.
HE-ANGLE
Send him in.
PROLOGUE
I beg your pardon! I’m a Prologue--not a butler. However, I’ll call him
if you insist. But please address me more respectfully in the future.
HE-ANGLE
I beg your pardon, Prologue. Please call the Poet.
PROLOGUE (_beckoning off stage right_)
Poet.
(_Enter_ POET _from right. He is fat, bald, and of a rosy complexion._)
POET
Hullo!
HE-ANGLE (_getting off stool_)
Hullo! (_Turns to_ SHE-ANGLE.) May I introduce Poet?
SHE-ANGLE (_bowing stiffly_)
How do you do!
(_She is not a bit impressed._)
POET
You sent for me?
HE-ANGLE
Yes. As I explained in my letter, we want advice on how to solve our
triangle.
POET
But I’m a Poet. I always was rotten at mathematics.
HE-ANGLE
But this is not a mathematical triangle. (_He gets back on stool._) You
see (_indicating_ SHE-ANGLE), we’re angles.
POET
Oh, I see! (_To_ SHE-ANGLE.) He’s complimentary, eh, what? Haw!
(SHE-ANGLE _sniffs, very much upstage, at the pun_.)
HE-ANGLE
We need your advice. Imagination! It’s going to take imagination to get
us out of this mess. That’s why I sent for you.
POET
Thank you. Well, then, what have you done?
HE-ANGLE
Nothing.
SHE-ANGLE
A Playwright tried to help us, but--
POET
But couldn’t. Of course! Tawdry stuff, I suppose. I know just about
what he would suggest. It goes well enough on the stage, but it isn’t
art.
SHE-ANGLE
Ah! Art!
POET
Of course. You want to be artistic, don’t you?
SHE-ANGLE (_beginning to melt_)
Yes. Oh, yes!
POET
H’m.
(_Pause._)
HE-ANGLE
Well?
POET
I didn’t say anything.
SHE-ANGLE
Oh!
(_Pause._)
POET
There’s really not much to be done. It’s all so simple, really, and all
so artistic. Poetry! I tell you there’s poetry there.
HE-ANGLE }
SHE-ANGLE } (_together_)
Where?
POET
There.
HE-ANGLE }
SHE-ANGLE } (_together_)
Oh!
POET
Yes, there’s poetry there, and art. It’s so artistic to suffer.
SHE-ANGLE
To suffer?
POET
Yes, so artistic. A sacrifice on the altar of living love. Oh, divine
sacrifice! Oh, the beauty and the art of suffering!
HE-ANGLE
Say, I don’t get all that you’re raving about, but if you have the
idea that we aren’t suffering, you’re way off. We are. And it may be
artistic, but it’s damn uncomfortable.
POET
Uncomfortable. Yes. So artistic. The altar of living love. Purple love,
deep, mystic, fragrant, yes. So uncomfortable, but so beautiful.
SHE-ANGLE
But I thought you would be able to help us.
POET
Ah, I am able. So able! Already I have envisioned your life. So heroic!
So hopeless!
HE-ANGLE
Hopeless?
POET
Yes. Two lives sacrificed on the altar of living, hopeless love.
Deathless love, fragrant and so purple!
HE-ANGLE
Come out of it and explain all this nonsense to us! Can you help us
escape from this awful three-cornered prison?
POET
Ah, yes, three-cornered. The three-cornered prison of love! Fetters
forged in the vermillion fire of love. No blue flame to love, but deep
vermillion girandoles of passion! So vermillion!
SHE-ANGLE (_she has stood it as long as she can_)
He’s mad!
POET (_starting up_)
What?
HE-ANGLE
I sent for you, thinking that with your imagination you would be able
to help us. But it seems that you’ve got too much imagination. Have you
any suggestion or haven’t you?
POET
Why, of course I have. Haven’t I been telling you all along?
SHE-ANGLE
Well, how am I to get rid of my husband?
POET
Ah, madam. You’ll not do that. Ah, no! So comfortable but so inartistic.
SHE-ANGLE
Not get rid of him! But what shall I do?
POET
Live. Madam, live--a living sacrifice on the altar of a living love!
SHE-ANGLE
You mean--? You don’t mean--?
POET
Yes.
HE-ANGLE
But where do I come in?
POET
Ah, my boy. That is it. You, too, can suffer so beautifully. Eternally!
Love is eternity. Love her, my boy, and suffer from afar.
HE-ANGLE
Not marry her?
POET
No, no! Not marry her! That would not be art. You must deny your love,
lock it in your heart and go.
HE-ANGLE
Go where?
POET
That doesn’t matter. Just go. In your heart a love denied. So denied!
HE-ANGLE
But I’m not going. I’m going----
POET
But I thought you said you weren’t.
HE-ANGLE
I’m going to marry her!
POET
No! Good Lord, no! Anything but that. Seal up your hearts with the
seals of eternity and deny your love. There only is Poetry! There only
is Art! Seal up your hearts, I say. But don’t marry.
SHE-ANGLE
I will marry him!
POET
You, too! Think of it. Why, you are spoiling your great opportunity of
sacrificing yourself on the altar of deathless love. You may be _sung_,
if you seal your hearts; but marry, and you’ll go and have children.
Ugh!
SHE-ANGLE
I love children.
POET
Ugh! Deny your purple love, and suffer the eternal pangs of deathless,
hopeless yearning. I’ll sing you. Why, I’ve already thought of two new
rhymes for love and a beautiful simile. Think of it. Deny your love and
have your story told to the world in similes!
SHE-ANGLE
I hate similes!
POET
So heroic! So beautiful! So deathless to deny a hopeless love. Beside
it the human sacrifices of golden Chichen-Itza were pale and anemic.
I’m holding out to you the straw of immortality.
SHE-ANGLE
I don’t want to be immortal. I want children.
POET
Oh, well. Then have your children. But don’t, in the name of art and
beauty, don’t have legitimate children. Legitimate children are so
prosy. A poet can’t sing of them.
SHE-ANGLE (_feeling her cheeks_)
Oh! Oh! Why, the idea!
HE-ANGLE
Come, now, that’s going a bit too far! I don’t think you can help us.
In fact, I think everything you’ve said about the most ridiculous
rubbish I ever heard.
POET
Rubbish! Fool! Fools! (_He stalks toward left._) I’m through with you.
Love your damn heads off and marry and have children, dozens of them. I
hope they’re all cross-eyed! Fools!
(_He goes off left angrily_, HE-ANGLE _and_ SHE-ANGLE _sit on their
stools, a picture of resentment and outraged respectability_.)
SHE-ANGLE
I told you so.
HE-ANGLE
What did you tell me?
SHE-ANGLE
I knew he couldn’t help us. A poet! He’s no poet. Fat and bald. Ugh!
I think he ought to be arrested as an impostor. Why, the idea of his
talking about illegit--about--ah--children!
HE-ANGLE
And I thought he was a friend of mine! I always liked poetry, too.
SHE-ANGLE
Deny our love! Live and suffer! I don’t believe he knows what love is.
Or life either. And then those--children!
(_She feels her cheeks again. Pause while both sit thoughtfully._)
HE-ANGLE
Well?
SHE-ANGLE
I didn’t say anything.
HE-ANGLE
Oh!
(_Pause._)
SHE-ANGLE
But what are we to _do_?
HE-ANGLE
I don’t know. This is an awful mess. Maybe Poet is right and we’ll have
to go on as we are--just angles.
SHE-ANGLE
He isn’t right! and I won’t go on just being an angle.
HE-ANGLE
But what are we going to do?
SHE-ANGLE
I’m sure I don’t know--yet. But we’ll find a way.
(_Pause while they both seem to concentrate._)
SHE-ANGLE
I have it!
HE-ANGLE
What?
SHE-ANGLE
Why didn’t we think of it before?
HE-ANGLE
What?
SHE-ANGLE
Why, Prologue! Why don’t we ask Prologue?
HE-ANGLE
That’s right. Why didn’t we?
SHE-ANGLE
Oh, Prologue!
(PROLOGUE, _who has been leaning half asleep on his trumpet, turns to
the_ ANGLES.)
PROLOGUE
Yes?
SHE-ANGLE
We want your help. We need your advice.
PROLOGUE
Oh, no!
SHE-ANGLE
What do you mean?
PROLOGUE
I mean you’re not going to drag me into this mess. I’m a Prologue and
don’t know anything about Angles--any more than I do about playing this
trumpet We Prologues have a lot to contend with these days. They make
us do all sorts of things--even to shifting scenery at times. But so
far they have kept us out of scandals, and I’m not going to start in,
as old as I am, getting into such scrapes.
SHE-ANGLE
But, Prologue, we don’t want you to get into any scrapes. We only want
you to give us advice on how to solve the triangle.
PROLOGUE
Oh, yes, that’s all you want me to do. But say, haven’t I seen plays
before? Haven’t I seen innocent bystanders dragged into such messes
as this, even into the divorce courts, just because of a little good
advice given at the wrong time.
SHE-ANGLE
But this is the right time.
PROLOGUE
How can I be sure of that? Besides, as I said before, I’m the Prologue
and not an information bureau or ways and means committee.
(_He turns back to the side of the proscenium where he has been
standing._)
HE-ANGLE
Don’t give us any advice, Prologue. But haven’t you any suggestions?
PROLOGUE
No!--Why, yes, I’ll give you a suggestion. Why don’t you try the
audience?
HE-ANGLE
The--the audience?
PROLOGUE
Yes. Why don’t you try them? Maybe there is a novelist among them.
SHE-ANGLE
Oh, fine! Maybe there is! Ask them, Prologue, do! I know an Author can
help us!
PROLOGUE (_turning to audience_)
Is there an Author in the audience? (_Pause._) A Novelist?
AUTHOR (_rising somewhere in the audience_)
Yes. I’m a Novelist. (_He comes forward._) I’ve been thinking it
was about time some one with a little brains took a hand in these
proceedings. I’ll be glad to help you.
PROLOGUE
Come right up, Author.
(AUTHOR _goes up on the stage_.)
PROLOGUE (_to_ ANGLES)
Here is your Author.
(_Turns back to his original post._)
AUTHOR
You know, I feel very sorry for you people, not because of the mess
you’re in but because of the way you tried to get out of it.
HE-ANGLE
What do you mean?
AUTHOR
Why, calling on a playwright and a poet. What good did you ever think
they could possibly do you? I’m suspicious of them, particularly
playwrights. I once had a novel, one of my best, adapted for the
stage. (_He throws up his hands._) You should have seen it when that
playwright got through with it! I wouldn’t have recognized it myself.
Only the title remained the same.
SHE-ANGLE
But they’re usually very good in triangles.
AUTHOR (_sniffing_)
Oh, yes. They know how to invent them, but they fail utterly in solving
them satisfactorily. Why, not so long ago a very prominent playwright
put two triangles together and tried to pass it off as a circle, but
they remained triangles. It might be good dialogue, but it’s poor
mathematics.
HE-ANGLE
Do you think you can help us?
AUTHOR
My boy, I’m sure of it. Of course, it’s largely up to you. If you’re
willing to take sound advice, I know I can help you. I’ve solved many
triangles in my time. That’s the kind of novel I have always written,
and I always see to it that there’s a good moral attached. So do you
feel it safe to listen to me?
SHE-ANGLE
Oh, yes! (_To_ HE-ANGLE.) I’m sure he’s going to be able to help us!
AUTHOR
Now then. The first thing you’re to do is to send for your husband and
tell him all about it.
SHE-ANGLE
Tell him! Oh, I can’t do that!
AUTHOR
Yes, you must tell him. Now twenty years ago you would not have
been able to do that, but now--all is different. Twenty years ago
it would have meant a duel or a murder. To-day, however, husbands
are different. I suppose we novelists are really responsible for the
change. Realism has done it. Realism has made men realize that man
and wife are two separate and individual entities. The wife, man now
realizes, has a right to lead her own life as she chooses. And he
accepts it. Realism has done it!
SHE-ANGLE
But my husband doesn’t.
AUTHOR
Doesn’t what?
SHE-ANGLE
Accept it. He doesn’t believe it. He wouldn’t allow it!
AUTHOR
But how do you know unless you try him? I am willing to stake my
reputation as a Novelist that he would be amenable to argument.
SHE-ANGLE
But he hates arguments. I never could even argue with him over the
price of a hat.
AUTHOR
Besides, perhaps he, too, is tired.
SHE-ANGLE
Tired of what?
AUTHOR
Of--of marriage.
SHE-ANGLE
Oh! of marriage. Of me, you mean?
AUTHOR
That is putting it very bluntly. But, since you put it that way--yes.
SHE-ANGLE (_turning to_ HE-ANGLE)
Oh!
HE-ANGLE
See here! What are you trying to insinuate?
AUTHOR
I’m not trying to insinuate anything. My dear man, I am simply
appealing to your sense of justice. It is not unreasonable to conceive
of a mutual feeling of surfeit arising in man and wife. That has
frequently been the case, as you will realize if you read the popular
novel. We novelists were among the first to recognize it. It will soon
be put on the stage.
SHE-ANGLE
I’m sure he isn’t tired of me.
AUTHOR
Of you--probably not. But of marriage and its restrictions--yes,
perhaps.
HE-ANGLE
But, suppose he were tired of marriage. What good would all this be?
AUTHOR
You should be able to come to some arrangement. Divorce, perhaps.
SHE-ANGLE
I hate divorce! It’s so vulgar!
AUTHOR
Oh, not any more. It’s really very smart.
SHE-ANGLE
I don’t like it!
AUTHOR
Well, I don’t know how you’re going to get out of this mess if you
won’t listen to divorce. There’s no chance of your husband’s dying you
told the playwright. There are only two other ways out.
SHE-ANGLE
And what are they?
AUTHOR
Murder and free love. I don’t suppose you’ll commit murder?
SHE-ANGLE (_shrinking_)
Oh, no! Murder my husband!
AUTHOR
It’s not so very bad. Really, murder may be so committed that it is
neither vulgar nor sinful.
SHE-ANGLE
Not sinful!
AUTHOR
Of course not. Murder is not necessarily sinful. It is held to be so
only as a matter of convenience and because people have a naïve way
of speaking of one’s having a right to live. After all, no one has
any real right except to die. Murder is not considered sinful even by
so-called moralists if it be done for a patriotic reason as in war. To
ease your conscience, then, can’t you think of a patriotic reason why
your husband should die? Does he obey the laws?
SHE-ANGLE
Why, yes, I think so. At least as much as any one does. But let’s not
discuss that. I won’t murder him and I won’t have him murdered!
AUTHOR
Well then. Free love?
SHE-ANGLE
But that certainly is sinful!
AUTHOR
Oh, no! How old-fashioned you are!
SHE-ANGLE
Well, I don’t care if I am old-fashioned. I’m not going to do anything
that my conscience says is wrong!
AUTHOR
Well, all I have to say is that you’re a queer pair. You’ve been
unconventional enough to go and fall in love. That does not seem to
you to be wrong, but you balk at divorce, murder, and free love. I’m
sure I don’t see any help for you. What you need is not a Novelist or a
Playwright or a Poet, but a Psychiatrist. Good day!
(_He goes out at left._)
SHE-ANGLE
What a disagreeable man!
HE-ANGLE
Realism did it!
SHE-ANGLE
I don’t believe he’s much of an Author.
HE-ANGLE
Trash is all he writes, probably.
SHE-ANGLE
Free love!
HE-ANGLE
Murder!
(_An_ ACTRESS _rises somewhere in the audience_.)
ACTRESS
Let me help you!
SHE-ANGLE
Who is that?
ACTRESS (_coming toward stage_)
I know I can help you if you’ll let me. I know just how you feel.
(PROLOGUE _assists her to the stage_.)
PROLOGUE
And your name?
ACTRESS
I’m an Actress.
PROLOGUE (_to_ SHE-ANGLE)
She’s an Actress.
SHE-ANGLE (_to_ HE-ANGLE)
She’s an Actress.
HE-ANGLE
An Actress!
ACTRESS (_going to_ SHE-ANGLE _at once sympathetic and patronizing and
always fully realizing that she is going to have an opportunity to hold
the center of the stage_:)
You poor dear, I know how you feel. I know.
SHE-ANGLE
I’ve suffered much.
ACTRESS
I know. I know.
HE-ANGLE
Can you help us?
ACTRESS (_turning to him; every movement is deliberate, studied_)
Yes.
HE-ANGLE
I’m sure you can.
ACTRESS
Yes.
SHE-ANGLE
My husband, you know--
ACTRESS
I know.
SHE-ANGLE
How can you help us?
ACTRESS
Ah, you must be deft. You must be subtle. But not too subtle.
SHE-ANGLE
But, go on!
ACTRESS
It is all so very simple. First you must decide what you want. Do you
want to marry your lover?
SHE-ANGLE
Yes.
ACTRESS
Do you want that most of all?
SHE-ANGLE
Yes, most of all.
ACTRESS
Then you must realize there is only one solution--divorce. As the
Author says it is very smart. It is not vulgar unless the husband gets
it. If the wife gets it, divorce is quite all right. Of course, murder
is all right if you’re a tragedienne. Are you a tragedienne?
SHE-ANGLE
I can’t act!
ACTRESS
Then it must be divorce and you must be the one to obtain it. That is
very simple. Your husband loves you? Yes?
SHE-ANGLE
I’m sure of it!
ACTRESS
Yes. I know! Yes, your husband loves you. You must, however, show him
that your love for him has died, that you love another and that you
must either marry this other man or be his mistress.
SHE-ANGLE
Oh!
ACTRESS
I know how you feel. I know.
SHE-ANGLE
But I can’t do that!
ACTRESS
Oh, yes, you can. You must only be deft. You must act. You must show
him how you suffer.
SHE-ANGLE
But how?
ACTRESS
I shall show you. We shall have a rehearsal now. I shall be you, and
your lover will be your husband. You must watch me carefully. Then you
do as I do.
SHE-ANGLE
Ah, I see.
ACTRESS (_going up toward_ HE-ANGLE)
I shall call him John. It need not be his name, but it will do
in rehearsal. Besides, I like simple names in emotional scenes.
Monosyllables are best. They’re so tense when used alone. (_Turning
again toward_ HE-ANGLE.) You must help me now. I want you to do just
the things and say the things you would if you were really John. John!
HE-ANGLE
Yes, dear.
ACTRESS
I have something to say to you, John dear.
HE-ANGLE
Yes, dear?
(ACTRESS _sits on stool beside_ HE-ANGLE. _She sits impassive, tense._)
ACTRESS
Won’t you sit down?
(HE-ANGLE _sits_.)
ACTRESS
How long have we been married, John?
HE-ANGLE
Why, five years, dear. Why?
ACTRESS
We’ve been very happy, haven’t we, John?
HE-ANGLE
I don’t know what you mean!
ACTRESS
We’ve been happy, haven’t we? That is all.
HE-ANGLE
Yes, dear. But--
ACTRESS
You’ve loved me, John?
HE-ANGLE
Always.
ACTRESS
You still love me, John?
(HE-ANGLE _wavers a little. He feels that this is getting a bit deep._)
ACTRESS
Don’t be bashful. Remember this is only a rehearsal. Put your arms
around me and kiss me. John would.
(HE-ANGLE _is not unwilling, but the presence of_ SHE-ANGLE _disturbs
him somewhat, particularly as the latter is beginning to lose interest
in the technical side of the rehearsal and to resent the liberties the_
ACTRESS _is taking with her lover_.)
ACTRESS
Do as I say or I can’t go on. Do you still love me, John?
HE-ANGLE (_taking her in his arms with a mixture of contentment and
apprehension, he kisses her_)
There, dear. Does that answer your question?
ACTRESS
I’m afraid it does.
HE-ANGLE
Afraid?
ACTRESS
Yes, John, afraid.
HE-ANGLE (_in the spirit of the play_)
But why do you say that?
ACTRESS
Oh, John. I don’t know how I can ever tell you.
HE-ANGLE
Tell me what?
ACTRESS (_parenthetically_)
Oh, you’re doing fine. Tell you that--
HE-ANGLE
Yes?
ACTRESS
Oh, John, I no longer love you!
HE-ANGLE
What?
ACTRESS
Oh, John. It’s true. Kill me! Do anything with me! I don’t deserve your
love! I’m unworthy of you. Kill me!
HE-ANGLE
You don’t love me!
ACTRESS
Kill me. Oh, John, it’s too true, too terribly true. Would to God I had
died before I met you. Then you would be saved this. Kill me, John!
HE-ANGLE (_putting his hands firmly on her shoulders and looking her in
the eyes_)
What do you mean?
ACTRESS (_hanging her head_)
Oh, John, you’re making it very hard for me. I--I love another.
HE-ANGLE
You’re not telling me the truth!
ACTRESS
I never was more serious in my life, John.
HE-ANGLE
You love another!
ACTRESS
I don’t know why I’m telling you all this.
HE-ANGLE
You love another!
ACTRESS
But I love you, too. Honestly, I love you. But in a different sort of
way. I’ll always love you, John. You’ve been so fair to me.
HE-ANGLE (_taking her suddenly in his arms and kissing her
passionately_)
It’s a lie. Darling, say it’s a lie!
(_He kisses her again._ SHE-ANGLE _does not like it. She jumps to her
feet._)
SHE-ANGLE (_coldly_)
That will do!
(HE-ANGLE _and_ ACTRESS _both turn toward her_.)
SHE-ANGLE
That will be enough.
ACTRESS
But we’re not nearly through yet!
SHE-ANGLE
That is what I was afraid of. But I do not think I require any more
instruction. I have learned much already.
ACTRESS
But what about the rest?
SHE-ANGLE
There isn’t going to be any rest.
ACTRESS
What do you mean?
SHE-ANGLE
I mean that I am quite capable of settling my domestic problems without
any assistance from the theatrical profession.
ACTRESS
Why! Why!
SHE-ANGLE
I know. I know.
ACTRESS
Of all the insults! Goodness knows, I didn’t want to interfere in your
business.
SHE-ANGLE
Well, no one asked you to!
ACTRESS
You did. You appealed to the audience.
SHE-ANGLE
I didn’t! All I asked of the audience was a Novelist. I didn’t ask for
a chorus girl.
ACTRESS
A chorus girl! I’ll have you sued for slander, you silly, ignorant
doll, you. A chorus girl! You free-lover! You, you mistress!
(ACTRESS _stalks off right_.)
HE-ANGLE
I don’t see why you did that!
SHE-ANGLE (_sarcastically_)
No, of course you don’t. Certainly not!
HE-ANGLE
She isn’t a chorus girl.
SHE-ANGLE
How do you know she isn’t?
HE-ANGLE
Well, I just know. She didn’t look like one, for one thing.
SHE-ANGLE (_too agreeable_)
I thought she did, but I see I was mistaken. I shall not argue with an
authority.
HE-ANGLE
What do you mean?
SHE-ANGLE
I dare say you know a great deal about chorus girls, and--and
actresses. I can readily see that you are very familiar with the looks
and actions of that kind of people. I understand perfectly now how you
were able to carry your part so well, I--
HE-ANGLE
Stop!
SHE-ANGLE
I shall not stop! What right have you to tell me to stop? As I was
saying before you so rudely lost your temper, I quite realize that in
all probability it was not your first scene with an Actress.
HE-ANGLE
I say--!
SHE-ANGLE
You have said quite enough. Quite too much, in fact. It is all very
plain to me that your intimacy with chorus girls and soubrettes has
stood you in good stead to-day. I am glad to have learned that before I
took some rash step. I am very glad to be able to say that whatever may
be my husband’s faults, he has never frequented stage doors.
HE-ANGLE
What in Heaven’s name has come over you? Are you insane?
SHE-ANGLE
That’s right! Call me names. Strike me! That is all there is left to do!
HE-ANGLE (_he goes up to her and makes her face him_)
You know everything you have said is damned foolishness. You know you
had no basis for such a scene.
SHE-ANGLE (_in a rage_)
No basis! No basis! To see you take another woman, a painted woman
probably from a burlesque chorus, to see you take her into your arms,
burning with passion, your eyes dilated, your cheeks flushed, your
whole being mad with unholy love. No basis, do you say? To see you do
that while still my lover! What would it be if you were married to
me--if you were my husband! Oh, I have been blind! I have a husband
who has at least the grace to carry on his amours behind my back, if
he does carry on any. And I would have changed him for you! Oh, I have
been blind! Go!
HE-ANGLE
But--
SHE-ANGLE
Go! Go! Do not stay another moment! Here comes my husband. I hear him
outside. If you don’t go I shall have him kill you.
HE-ANGLE
Darling--
SHE-ANGLE
Don’t use that word to me! Go!
HE-ANGLE
You must listen.
SHE-ANGLE
I shall scream!
(_The_ HUSBAND-ANGLE _enters_.)
HUSBAND-ANGLE
Hello, Darling. (_To_ HE-ANGLE.) How are you?
SHE-ANGLE
He’s just hurrying away--to meet the dearest actress in the world who
has been here to call.
(HE-ANGLE _gives her an ugly look_.)
HE-ANGLE
Good-by.
SHE-ANGLE (_too sweet_)
Good-by!
HUSBAND-ANGLE
Good-by.
(HE-ANGLE _goes_.)
HUSBAND-ANGLE
I’ve got two seats for a good show to-night, dear. It’s a problem play.
Wonderful actress.
SHE-ANGLE (_kisses him_)
Oh, you darling! I love actresses.
CURTAIN
(PROLOGUE _gathers his trumpet sleepily under his arm. He has been half
asleep during the later action of the play. He looks at the audience in
some confusion and starts to go through the curtains._)
PROLOGUE
I’ve got to hurry or I’ll be an Epilogue. That wasn’t so hard to
settle, was it? Thank you.
(_He goes within the curtains._)
THE END
_Longer Dramas from Appleton’s List_
THE SEA WOMAN’S CLOAK and NOVEMBER EVE
_By Amélie Rives (Princess Troubetzkoy)_
Out of the legends and folklore of Ireland and her own particular
fantasy she has made two plays as Irish as anything of Yeats’s,
Synge’s, Lady Gregory’s. As individual. As enchanting.
=The Sea Woman’s Cloak= (3 m. 3 w. and others.). =November Eve= (8 m. 8
w. and others.). $2.00.
MARCH HARES
_By Harry Wagstaff Gribble_
A satire in three acts. First presented in New York at the Bijou
Theatre, later at the Punch and Judy in the summer of 1921, later
revived at the Little Theatre. “It offers,” says _Heywood Broun_, “some
of the most agile dialogue that our theatre has known and reveals its
author as the possessor of a rare gift for nonsense. And his nonsense
is not just for the sheer trick of the thing, but molded with satirical
intent.” _New York Evening Telegram_: “A delightful work, as good as
Oscar Wilde at his best, sharply defined, brilliant, and deliciously
amusing.” $2.00.
GOAT ALLEY
_By Ernest Howard Culbertson_
_Introduction by Ludwig Lewisohn_
A drama of Negro life in three acts. First presented at the Bijou
Theatre, New York City, in June, 1921. (7 m. 4 w.). _New York Tribune_:
“A stunning tragedy. In the characterization there are fine perception
and vivid writing. There is heartbreak in this play.” _Oakland
Tribune_: “Splendidly and heroically written. A play to meditate over.”
$1.75.
THE SUN CHASER
_By Jeannette Marks_
_Author of “Three Welsh Plays”_
The search for happiness is the theme of this play, which is both
realistic and--in the poignant figure of Ambrose Clark, who drunkenly,
lamely chases the sun--subtly symbolic (11 m. 3 w. 4 g. 1 b.). _John
Barrymore_: “I have read ‘The Sun Chaser.’ I think it has great beauty
and a curious sense of mood and imminent vague things. I also think it
brilliantly characterized.” $1.75.
D. APPLETON AND COMPANY PUBLISHERS
TRANSCRIBER’S NOTES
Page 37: exclamation mark added after “I no longer love you”.
Due to technical reasons, a symbol on the title page could not be
reproduced in this text edition. It is represented in this edition as
“¤”.
Hyphenation of “three-cornered” normalised.
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