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Title: The life and adventures of a cat
Author: Anonymous
Release date: March 3, 2025 [eBook #75512]
Language: English
Original publication: London: Willoughby Mynors, 1760
Credits: Hannah Wilson, John Campbell and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net (This book was produced from scanned images of public domain material from the Google Books project.)
*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE LIFE AND ADVENTURES OF A CAT ***
TRANSCRIBER’S NOTE
This book was published in 1760 at a time when there was no
standardized spelling, and this etext is a careful reproduction of
the original book. Except for a small number of changes noted at the
end of the book, the punctuation and spelling in the text has been
left unchanged.
Italic text is denoted by _underscores_.
Two or more dashes in the original text are generally denoted by —
(emdash). However in names (such as ‘the D--- of -------’ in the
original text) the dashes are denoted by —— (double emdash).
THE
LIFE
AND
ADVENTURES
OF A
CAT.
[Illustration: (decorative icon in shape of a cat’s head)]
LONDON:
Printed for WILLOUGHBY MYNORS, in
Middle-Row, Holborn.
M DCC LX.
[Illustration:(decorative banner)]
THE
HISTORY
OF A
CAT.
CHAP. I.
_On the sagacity of_ Cats, _superiour to that of any other
animal_.
It has been ever a sage remark of the wisest philosophers, that all
creatures bear about them the criterion of their peculiar nature:
Such as the ferocity of the Lyon, the grimness of the Tyger, the
cunning of the Fox: Among the animals who boast of gravity, none can
pretend to that sedateness which the _Cat_, on first view, arrogates
to itself above all others. The _Owl_, indeed, has time immemorial,
dared to enter the lists, and therefore was by the ignorant ancients,
dedicated to _Minerva_, the goddess of _Wisdom_, but whether the
Owl’s letters patent were ever made out for that title, is a
question, which must be decided by the more learned,
_Et, adhuc sub judice lis est._
The Ass too has had the assurance, to throw down his gauntlet in this
tournament, tho’ with no better a face than his competitor, the bird
of _Minerva_. But what person, tho’ ever so little inclined, to the
talents of observation, could possibly avoid taking notice of the
uncommon _prudery_ of the _Cat_. He, or she, male, or female, shall
take their post close by a fire side, with all the conformity, with
all that respectable quality, which should entitle him or her to a
notable attention. Nay the old ladies, vulgarly called old women,
have been so hardy as to say, that Cats are witches, that they can
prognosticate, foretell, predict, and what not? and it is affirmed
by some of those venerable matrons, that a cat has made an Almanack.
I have heard indeed, and with some aspect of credibility, that a Cat
is something barometrical, or in plainer terms bears a resemblance
to a weather glass; that when she washes her face, it is a sign of
good weather, and when she is in her frolicks, it will blow hard, but
how to attest these diagnostic symptoms is above our capacity, and
even Pliny himself the natural historian would be puzzled to decide a
matter of such consequence.
To possess two qualities eminently distinct, is the inheritance
of no creature upon earth. The Dog is faithful, vigilant, docile,
and of an excellent scent. The Horse boasts of many virtues, and
amiable endowments; his speed, his strength and other illustrious
talents recommend him to man: So of other animals; but none of these
enumerates good qualities diametrically opposite each other. Now
in the Cat, there appears the utmost austerity, with the greatest
levity. A rake and a senator are most wonderfully compounded. Who can
analize these differing ingredients, so demure a puritan on a sudden,
converted into the most absolute debauchè? One time sitting for four
or five hours in the attitude of solemnity, and then on sudden break
out into the most dissolute festivity. These qualities, so dissonant,
so very opposite to each other, must indicate something superior in
the animal, whose history we are at present writing, and we think we
have proved this superiority of the Cat above all other animals so
incontestibly, that all historians, ancient and modern, must submit
to our sublime decree, or else confute our at present irrefragable
argument in some future treatise.
CHAP. II.
_Of the Lyon_, &c.
Nature has bestowed in the distribution of her various gifts, some
characterestic badge to every animal, by which they know and are
known to each other; and by which they are conversible with, or
envious to one another. Sociability, or the love of herding, is not
so peculiar to man, as man would boast. Lyons, horses, dogs, Cats,
and the other species are as fond of forming colonies as we are.
And yet in contradistinction to this principle, we see the Lion
chase the _Jack-all_ for his caterer. The _Jack-all_, says _Pliny_,
is endowed with the most excellent nose to investigate the paths
of those weak, or timorous beasts, which are the Lion’s prey. This
scent renders him the more useful to his friend the _Lyon_, whom he
_leads by the nose_ to a herd of deer or oxen. The Lyon, wanting
this fine scent, and convinced of his deficience, takes into his
familiarity, and confidence, this weak animal, who makes use of the
other’s strength, and from his own inability in personal prowess,
compensates the loss by the admirable organization of his odorific
nerves. Thus, in like manner, the Pilot-fish conveys the Shark to his
prey: And I have read in some learned antiquary of a bird, called
the _Tooth-pick_, which lives on the leavings of the _Crocodile_, who
having filled his belly with what fish he can pick up in the _Nile_,
lies on his back, on the banks of that river, and basks himself with
delight, while this bird, guided by instinct, and no way afraid of
his terrors, perches on his teeth, and from the gleanings feeds
himself to satiety. We ought not in this detail omit to take notice
of the _Fly-eater_, who puts his tongue out, till several thousand
flies, have in swarms covered it, and when he perceives it to be
pretty well stocked, all on a sudden introduces the cargo, where it
is fairly entered; and this trick he plays for several hours, till
the custom-house can hold no more.
CHAP. III.
_Of the more docile, and sagacious animals, such as Dogs, Horses,
Elephants_, &c.
There are few people but have either seen or heard of the _learned
Dog, Le Chien Scavant_, and yet his uncommon knowledge, except we
should now record it, will appear incredible to posterity. He could
read, write, and figure, play cards, spell any person’s names, with
many other parts in useful knowledge; and, as _Hudibras_ says,
_Greek was to him no more difficile
Than to a blackbird ’tis to whistle._
We have heard of a dog who saved money, and lent it out to usury;
of a horse that would usually of a morning go out a hunting with
the hounds; of the Elephant there are many strange accounts, among
the rest of his surprising gratitude and love for his keeper, his
vast memory, and retention, and his understanding the language of
those among whom he is reared; I say, these and more excellencies of
the several creatures are to be found all concentered in the Cat,
therefore expecting an implicit belief to all we have advanced,
concerning this most sagacious of all sagacious animals, we shall
immediately enter upon, and to our history, still reserving to
ourselves the honour of having said nothing but was necessary to
introduce our hero into the world.
CHAP. IV.
Tom _the Cat is born of poor but honest parents. His mother dies
in child-bed, his brothers and sisters, to the number of nine are
sent adrift, and drowned._
_Mab_, the mother of _Tom_, was left a widow by a former husband,
who had left behind him no great means to support her, and therefore
she wisely thought it the best expedient she could make use of
to change her condition once more, and enter into the state of
matrimony. We are left in the dark, as to the person who performed
the ceremony, nor are we certain, whether the _Feline_ gentleman
who tied them together, was regularly qualified to do his office,
but he discharged it to the great satisfaction of both parties;
though some are malicious enough to insinuate, that he went snacks
with the bridegroom that very night, who not having it in his power
to provide a wedding-supper, is reported by the best historians, to
have left his wife in very unuxorious manner to run after a Rat,
which served him for supper. Now as it is a wise child that knows
his own father, so we dare not insist upon _Tom’s_ being the lawful
issue of _Mowser_, or the spurious child of the parson; be that as
it will, he was brought into this troublesome world on the 29th.
day of _September_, a day memorable for the perplexity which the
generality of tenants are in, to find or raise money to pay their
rents. On account of this day on which he was born, several of his
father’s friends were for having him called _Michael_, but more
solid arguments, which we never heard, being offered, he was called
_Tom_. His poor mother having born nine helpless children beside
himself, and being exhausted in spirits, by the hard labour which
she underwent, expired in the company of the midwife, and some other
good neighbours, of the Feline species, who performed their last
office, and buried her in an adjacent Dunghill. Mab’s Mistress was
seeking her, and having called to no purpose, found ten very fine
bantlings lying under the bed, nine of which she drowned, and saved
one, who happened to be our illustrious Hero, she took the care of
Tom on herself, intending he should spend his days with her in regard
to his mother Mab, of whom she never could get any tidings ever
after; she did not care to put him out to nurse, having heard so many
sad stories of those nurses daily employed to supply the foundling
Hospital, and therefore she determined, to nurse him herself. This
is the truest account we could collect from the best authors,
concerning his birth; as to his genealogy, we did examine into that,
and to that end ransacked several circulating libraries for Welch
records, which we traced backwards even to the Cat of Whittington,
but found nothing that we dared advance as truth, for we scorn to
impose upon our readers, with reports or facts, which we cannot vouch
for. Nevertheless we make no question, but Tom’s parents, by father
and mother’s side, could put in their claim to as high a descent, in
Feline genealogy as Whittinton’s Cat, or the famous Cat of Montaigne,
who laughed at her Master for being such a fool, as to spend his time
in playing with her, and actually told him so, or Montaigne himself
is a liar, who very gravely reports it for truth in some of his
essays.
CHAP. V.
_Tom_’s _Education.—His Manner of Life with his Mistress, whose
History is introduced here in a short Narrative._
It was Tom’s peculiar beauty, and size that saved his life, for
his Mistress _had Eyes_, and chose him out of ten, so that he
was a kind of _tythe Cat_, and survived the unhappy fate of his
brothers, and sisters by decimation, proving to the disgrace of
Methodists, that even among Cats, one in ten may be saved, though
according to their illustrious tenets, that will not be the portion
of one in ten of themselves. However Tom grew up and gave earnest
of being a most promising youth, having gone thro’ all the gambols
and feats of childhood, peculiar to those of his kind, and to the
great satisfaction of all who knew him, or had the honour of his
acquaintance.—His Mistress, however was inexcuseable in point of
tenderness, who not being sufficiently pleased with his beauty,
thought the cutting off his Ears would be an abundant addition to
that article; a barbarous instance of her love for him, but in
consequence of her resolution Tom lost his Ears, for having done no
crime to deserve amputation, when thousands walk the Streets with
their ears on, who have a thousand times deserved to lose them. His
mistress, whose name was Mrs. Clotilda-Skin-Flint, began to take
another more cruel thought into her head, and that was to deprive
him of his manhood, by equipping him for the Opera, and was advised
to put this dreadful scheme into execution by a female neighbour
of hers, called _Rugana_, but as this was as troublesome as it was
expensive, she permitted him to keep his pebbles, as marks of that
virility, which he afterwards testified to several young Cats of
his acquaintance.—Whether Tom ever came to the knowledge of this
sanguinary intent of his Mistress, we never could learn, if he did,
he must no doubt be sensibly affected with delight to find, that by
its being laid aside, he found himself in possession of that treasure
which entitled him to the honourable appellation of _Ram-Cat_. His
mistress, after having bred him up to feed himself, and to provide
for his own sustenance, left him to shift for the necessaries of
life, by all those means, which most of his kind make use of to get
a livelyhood, namely by _Mouseing_, and having before he was half
a year old, rid not only her house, but that neighbourhood of the
rats and mice which infested them, he bore the credit of being an
excellent mowser, for he got no other reward, and was forced for
sometime to live upon that empty saying, _Virtue is its own Reward_,
verifying that fine anecdote of _Juvenal_, _Ladatum Virtus et alget_,
which for the sake of our English Reader, we will suppose to signify,
that _a good or a wise man may starve in the midst of Fleet-Market,
for any thing he is likely to get from either fools or knaves_. Mrs.
Clotilda-Skin-Flint, was one of those admirable ladies, who go in
quest of obsolete robes, and had raised a tolerable sum by levying
contributions on the necessitous, who where glad to part with their
vestments for the tenth part of their intrinsic value: she had, to
make her own employment more lucrative, wedded an old taylor, whom
she married purely on the account of his dexterity and skill in, or
repairing the breaches of old clothes, and making them pass for new:
by this profitable business she was enabled to keep a very sightly
shop in the purlieus of Monmouth-Street, and was by her lending
out small sums of money to the butchers, who dealt with her at an
extravagant usury, in possession of five hundred pounds in money and
stock.
Tom did not approve of his Mistress’s niggarly temper, and though
he made several attempts upon her larder, he seldom availed himself
of the expedition, being glad to get off with whole bones, he being
a rival in these purloinings with the old taylor, his master, who
was as narrowly watched as himself in these kind of invasions, and
whom his wife had starved, cudgel’d, and cuckolded into the bargain.
However, one day, Tom laid a plot, and being determined to assuage
the cries of hunger, he resolutely attacked two pound of beef-stakes,
which were contrary to former caution left to his mercy, as the
mistress had indulged herself too plentifully with the ratifai of
St. _Giles_’s, commonly called _Gin_. The maid had been absent by
accident, at the time of this depredation, Tom prudently withdrew,
when he had eat up his delicious cates, and left the blame to fall
upon either the maid, or the old taylor, the former of which fasted
that day for her negligence, and was discharged without payment of
her wages, while old snip had like to have been destroyed by the
weight of the goose, with which his tender rib did belabour him to
his no small mortification, and of which he lay ill for three days to
his wife’s utter discontent, as she was forced to hire a journeyman
to finish some work he had begun.
CHAP. VI.
_The Maid Servant takes out a warrant against Tom: He is
arrested, and put into a Jail, where he is forced to pay garnish._
The maid servant being thus deprived of her wages by her rapacious
mistress, and knowing that ridicule would be the best method to
expose her, went to a bailiff, a relation of her own, and told him
the case, adding, that she thought the nearest way to obtain an
effectual remedy both for her wages and her private satisfaction,
was to expose her mistress by some stroke of ridicule, which
would be matter of laughter to all the neighbours, who hated her
for her avarice and rapine, and that a comical revenge had struck
into her head on a sudden, which she determined that very day, with
his assistance to put into execution, he promised not only to give
her the best assistance in his power, but also to be himself the
instrument of her immediate revenge, whereupon she asked him if
he would take upon him to arrest the Cat, who by eating the beef
stakes, had been the occasion of her being deprived of her place,
together with her wages; she owned that she had no particular pique
of resentment against the Cat, who had been for many weeks a fellow
sufferer with herself in the article of starving, and she protested
that she would have done the same had she been a Cat, but as she
was a Woman, and not used to eat raw beef, she therefore had never
thought of stealing them; that it often happened, she used to steal a
slice of bread and cheese for her poor old master, whom her barbarous
mistress had also locked up the victuals from, and that she had run
the risque to serve him, though his wife had privately marked the
bread and cheese. Certainly said the bailiff, your cause is just,
and you have sufficient reason to complain. There is no law why a
Cat may or may not be taken for theft; horses are subject to be
impounded, and so are cows, sheep and pigs liable to imprisonment
for misdemeanors of this nature; therefore as no law exists why your
fellow servant should not be arrested, I will take it upon my self to
make out his _Mittimus_, and if his mistress thinks fit to remove him
by _habeas Corpus_, she may, but it shall cost her something, besides
the procuring you your wages; I don’t regard, says the girl, my wages
so much as my private revenge to have her exposed to her neighbours.
That, answered the bailiff, shall be done, for I will have a whole
posse of constables with me, and we will beset the house, and take
her favourite before the whole street. They parted, she to observe
the execution of her comical revenge, and he to raise the posse.
It was about the meridian hour, when the Sun is vertical
over the heads of mortals, in plain English, it was about
twelve o’clock high noon, when the bailiff appeared with his
frightful posse of scare-crows, and beset the shop, to the utter
dismay and consternation of the inhabitants of the wardrobe in
_Monmouth-street_. Mrs. _Clotilda Skinflint_, and her Cornutus, had
just sat down to a pig’s foot and vinegar, (which was the portion
allotted for her spouse’s dinner,) two roasted pigeons, with toast
and butter, being laid before herself, with a pint of that beer
commonly called porter, while a pint of _Adam_’s ale, was very likely
thought good enough to allay the thirst of her journeyman spouse and
yoke-fellow.
_Tom_ never dreamed of any prosecution in law being carried on
against him, and therefore was purring an inoffensive song, in
expectation of the skeleton of the pigeons, a leg of which he was
cranching with sensible delight, when he was interrupted by the
entrance of one of the bailiffs, who was followed by several others,
who secured the person of _Tom_, and another shewed the warrant, that
they might not be accused of doing any thing illegal, or contrary
to form, and while some of them remained to explain the nature and
legality of this seizure, he who made the caption, carried him to the
first prison which came in his way, and delivered him into _Salva
Custoda_, under the name of _Tom Filch_, at the same time giving
the goaler and the other prisoners, a facetious and short narrative
of the whole affair, and the history of the parties concerned. When
the prisoners discovered, that it was all a piece of waggery, they
entered hastily into the joke, and hearing that _Tom_ the prisoner
was the favourite particular of a substantial house-keeper, who would
in all probability release him by paying his fees; they boldly and
with one voice demanded garnish of _Tom_, who not being used to such
questions from strangers, did not think proper to answer them. Now,
if they had according to the custom of garnish, threatened to strip
him, _What could they have of a Cat but his Skin?_ But as he made no
answer to their previous question, they thought it more adviseable
to lock him in a dark cell, and called for ale, which for the joke’s
sake, was not denied them in so unprecedented a garnish, and they
sat down to regale themselves, where we shall leave them in order to
finish this chapter and begin another.
CHAP. VII.
_A curious conference between some of the most eminent personages
of the prison, during_ Tom’_s confinement. In which_ Tom
Traveller _relates part of his own life and adventures_.
It has been a usual, and a wise method too let me tell you, with all
Biographers to relax the reader’s mind with somewhat episodical
in imitation of _Homer_ and _Virgil_ in their Epics, who introduce
several respectable persons into the drama, beside _Achilles_, and
_Æneas_, so have we thought that we should oblige our readers,
who would in return be obliged to us for not cramming them with
the single adventures of _Tom_ the _Cat_ only, since we have this
fair opportunity of opening a fine prison-scene to his view, and
entertaining him with the most curious adventures, and interesting
incidents of _Tom the Traveller_, extracted from no book, or books
in the world, as his surprizing memoirs are no where to be found
but in this true history, and if any of our readers should be so
incredulous as to doubt the veracity of these anecdotes, we shall be
bold to remind him of the more incredible travels and voyages, which
are not half so well authenticated, though passed upon the world
every day, as real and genuine.
While the prisoners were regaling themselves over what liquor
_Tom_ the _Cat_’s adventure unexpectedly afforded them, _Hugh_,
known by the name of _Hugh of the Borough_, reminded one of his
fellow-prisoners of telling his story, which he was going to begin,
when they were interrupted by the introduction of the new prisoner
the _Cat_, for, as he told him, he and the rest had just finished
their narratives, and it only remained, for him to go on with his;
in compliance therefore of this reasonable demand: _Tom Traveller_,
so he was called, commenced his history in the following procedure.
_The_ LIFE _of_ TOM TRAVELLER.
As I was begot, conceived and born in a most extraordinary manner,
so it will appear in the course of my life, that my adventures, even
in abstract, as I shall relate them, have been equally amazing. My
mother was treacherously deluded by an opiate infused into a glass
of wine, when she had the good or ill-fortune (I know not which)
of being debauched in her sleep by her master, the husband of a
woman of quality with whom she lived; I was the result of this
piece of treachery; nor did my mother give the least intimations
of her discovering this foul practice, though she on awaking, could
not but perceive the alteration from that of a maid, to that of a
woman. When she had got rid of me in the most private manner, (for
she left her lady, when the signs of pregnancy appeared) she took me
wrapt up in a basket, and going to a publick house in _Piccadilly_,
she called for a gill of wine, drank it, and leaving a guinea to
be changed, she went out and was seen no more, but she left me in
her stead, thinking me and the guinea, a tolerable bargain for a
gill of wine, nor had I remained there long, before I made my host
of the tavern, sensible, that he had got a new guest; as I was a
fine boy, and he had no child, he put me out to nurse, resolving to
adopt me as his own, since I was a _comeby_-chance, and since he
thought it cruel not to give the same reception to a human creature,
as is given commonly to a Cat or a Dog, and tho’ I did not come of
my own accord, like a Cat, or a Dog, yet was I brought, and could
not be supposed to intrude myself, as those creatures do, when they
have lost their masters, so he thought me more worthy of a welcome,
than either of the above animals. When I was five years old, I was
brought home by the nurse, and as they saw I was a promising child
of my age, being as lusty and tall, as the waiter, who was twelve,
but born a dwarf, I was soon fit to be called to the bar, I improved
myself in observations on men, and manners, which I made my study,
till about eighteen, I became one of the knowing ones, when I left
my supposed father, to join a set of gamblers, where I learnt every
thing to qualify me for Bath, the races, or even Ar——r’s. I resolved
to leave this life, took the high-road, and bought a fine horse at
Newmarket with what money I had won there by betting and cheating,
having at one bett won a hundred guineas of the D—— of ——, as I was
let into the secret by the riding jocky, who went halves with me for
his information. Having equipt myself with every thing necessary for
_collecting_, or raising contributions on the road, I met with none
who dared oppose me; I robbed three captains of ships, one admiral,
two lieutenants of marines, beside what I robbed in common; when
I found that all men were naturally cowards, and consequently to
be robbed, without resistance, I grew more bold; but what gave me
courage but their cowardice, for had they, as they said, strenuously
opposed, ’tis ten to one, as I opposed numbers, I should have
grown timid, and submitted; but I found it otherwise, and from the
discovery, met with success; I then ventured upon the continental
gentlemen; but them I found worse in the article of courage, than the
maritime; a lieutenant crossed me, and I thought verily, he had the
same intent on me, that I had on him; I put my hand to the holsters,
and stood bravely for him, but he with as much intrepidity delivered
me his purse, before I had actually demanded it: Actuated by this
hero’s valour, I persuaded myself that all men were cowards, and, I
consequently determined to _frighten_ them all, since I found, they
were to be _frightened_. Here the narrative was interrupted by a loud
report of six or seven female Voices, that Mrs. _Clotilda Skinflint_,
together with her _Bravo_, the old husband had entered the goal,
to demand the body of Tom, to be re-delivered to them, upon which
re-delivery, she was willing to pay all costs and damages, which
by this time amounted to no less than three shillings, exclusive
of garnish. And so ends this chapter, when the affairs of _Tom the
Cat_, shall seem more desirable by the reader, than those of _Tom the
Traveller_.
CHAP. VIII.
_The reception Mrs._ Clotilda Skinflint _met with in the prison,
together with that of her adventurous loving spouse_.
The turnkey no sooner had admitted Mrs. _Clotilda_, and her paramour,
than the knowing ones resolved themselves into a committee of the
whole house, how to consider ways and means to make Mrs. _Clotilda_
pay through the nose for introducing such an affair to their august
tribunal; the _Diet_ had not sat full two minutes, before they all
_nem. con._ entered into one unanimous resolution to bring the taylor
her lawful and wedded husband into a præmunire; they therefore set
up a kind of a Star-Chamber, which they erected, by their own will
and power, as _Charles_ did _formerly_ and as _Lewis_ pretends to do
_now_, with this Motto, _Sic volo sic jubeo_. In English, _I’ll do
as I please_; so laying aside all _privileges_ of the subject, and
assuming to themselves, the _royal prerogative_, which they swore
should not be infringed; they demanded that the bodies of _Clotilda
Skinflint_ late of _Monmouth-Street_, together with that of her
lawful sovereign, _Peter Skinflint_, of the Parish of St. _Bride_’s,
taylor, should be brought before them, in order to enter into the
merits or demerits of the prisoner _Tom_, committed into that prison,
by the name of _Tom Filch_, and moreover to demand the committal in
writing; which being accordingly done, by the especial messengers,
the delinquents were regularly brought to the bar of this solemn
inquisition.
We shall disappoint the reader’s curiosity, if he expects a summary
detail of this process, because it was carried regularly through the
forms of cital, and recital, demur, and every other circumstantial
querk of judicatory; only observing, that when Mrs. _Clotilda_, and
her party, seeing the _Servant Maid_, with _Tom_ in her arms, did not
chuse to traverse the _Indictment_ but submitted to the sentence of
the court, which was, that she, the said, _Clotilda_ as she _wore the
breeches_, should immediately pay all the fees of _Tom_, besides,
his expences for _false imprisonment_, pay the servant maid her due
wages, and never more trouble the court, to which she submitted, and
paid no less than the sum of seventeen shillings, and four-pence,
to the clerk of the court, exclusive of the girl’s wages, in all
amounting to one pound thirteen shillings. But unhappily for Mrs.
_Clotilda_, the affair did not end here. _Tom the Cat_, had got
little or no victuals, since the moment of his false imprisonment,
and besides, it was urged by the girl, that the beef-stakes, which
he had eaten, were long since digested; therefore it was _unâ voce_
resolved, that they should not be discharged till _Tom_ had also
been recompensed with a good meal, in consideration of his long and
false imprisonment. Mrs. _Clotilda_ therefore offered one shilling
more, to be laid out, as they, the court should determine, which was
accordingly, like all other subsidies of charitable uses, appointed
for _Tom_’s use, and bread, and cheese was to be his supper, of which
he only shared the parings. The lady of the wardrobe having paid
down her one pound fourteen shillings, thought that she had paid
sufficiently for the releasement of her favourite _Tom_, who in the
main had not got one half-penny worth of eating in the bargain, and
as historians say, could never account from that time to this, for
all this unnecessary expence, and as fruitless confinement; I say,
madam _Skinflint_ imagined that the business would end here; but
the court thought otherwise, and therefore as the parings of cheese
were by that wise _Diet_, thought to be a _diet_, which might very
probably occasion _thirst_, they also adjudged that _Tom_ should
have something to wash down his victuals, and the verdict in his
favour, was that she should pay one shilling, over and above all
costs and damages for that balsamic liquor, vulgarly called _Gin_:
Which Mrs. _Clotilda_, being addicted to, did not so much regret the
payment of, and it was, without hesitation brought in; but we never
were informed that _Tom_ shared a drop of it, as it is averred, and
that strongly, that a little water was more consentaneous to his
choice, of which, when he had drank, like any other good fellow, not
considering his present misfortunes, the good-nature of his friends,
or the malice of his enemies, he leaped on the table, washed his
face, and began a very solemn purr, which pleased the whole company,
and forced even the humane Mrs. _Clotilda_ to break out—_Poor_
Tom _have I got you again? Gentlemen did you ever see so fine a
creature?_ Thus ended the imprisonment, and release of _Tom_, with
which we shall beg leave to end this chapter, as Mrs. _Clotilda_ her
husband, and the maid-servant were also included in the discharge,
all departing the prison-scene, and going to their respective pillows.
CHAP. IX.
_The surprizing Adventures of Tom Traveller are continued in this
Chapter._
The happiest dexterity and the greatest activeness in an author, is
to give his reader a specimen of his talents, to introduce a pleasing
narrative, and when he has worked up his curiosity to the highest
pitch, to leave him in the middle of a most interesting event.
This was the peculiar cunning of those famous stories, which go by
the name of the Arabian night’s entertainments, which are for that
reason divided into a century of nights, each being employed in some
very engaging tale. A late celebrated Biographer has followed this
ingenious method, and now and then diverts the reader with a curious
history, I mean the author of Tom Jones, and Joseph Andrews, in
which several other adventures beside that of the hero, are artfully
interwoven, which at once displays a delightful variety, feasts the
mental appetite with a pleasing desert, which otherwise might be apt
to cloy by feeding on one dish, though ever so delicate; for this
reason that celebrated writer, entitles the heads of his chapters a
bill of fare, which points out to them the ensuing entertainment.
We shall not therefore disappoint our reader, but shall, to answer
the expectation, which we are sensible we have raised, proceed with
the history of _Tom Traveller_, forbidding all compilers whatsoever,
to insert, or abstract this unparallel’d history in their future
collections of voyages, travels, &c.
_Tom the Cat_, was no sooner gone home with his benevolent Mistress,
than _Tom Traveller_, at the importunity of _Hugh_ of the _Borough_,
continued his narrative.
My courage encreased, as I said, with my success, and having obliged
those terraqueous militants to stand and deliver, I found my purse
grow heavy, and believing I had made a competent fortune, I resolved,
as _Gibbet_ says in the play, to buy myself a place in the houshold,
and live as snug as ’ere a courtier of them all; with this view I
was returning to _London_, from _Finchley Common_, which had been my
last stage, when a gentleman rode up in a full gallop saying he was
pursued by a highwayman, and desired me to accompany him in order to
get out of the road. In the confusion I was in, at his mentioning
being pursued, I began to fear for myself, and looking back saw two
men, riding very fast after us, yet not so fast as to appear in
pursuit, however I took the gentleman’s advice, and rode with him
full speed, following the course he made which he directed to the
right hand, from the high road across the country, when all of a
sudden he snatched my reins, and desired me to deliver, or he would
blow my brains to the Devil; I had neither time nor presence of mind,
to refuse his unreasonable request, and he robbed me of all I had in
the world, except twenty pounds I had left with a favourite girl,
whom I then kept, after this he rode off, taking my pistols with
him, leaving me to reflect on so unexpected an adventure; but I had
no opportunity to consider much about it. I had no cash left, and I
found myself in possession of no property on the face of the earth,
but my horse and clothes, the former of which I was now resolved
to sell, and never more venture my life to scrape up riches for
other people to enjoy; I saw the hazard, the danger, and the folly
in it, and with this determination I pursued my way to _London_,
saying with Juvenal, _Cantabit Vacuus Viator_; where I arrived, and
having sold my horse, walked to my lodgings, where to my amazement I
found the bird flown, and nothing but the nest, and a few scattered
feathers left behind. Thus in one day was I deprived of what I had
been amassing for several months, to the value of three hundred
pounds sterling, one hundred of which I laid out on my mistress
in cloaths and equipage. I had cultivated a good acquaintance
with several young Gentlemen (strangers to my new way of life) at
_Art——rs_, and telling them I had a mind to see the world, made it my
request to them to serve me.
CHAP. X.
_Tom Traveller continues his relation._
Having made my desire known to a very worthy young gentleman, he
recommended me to a man of fortune who was going to travel; I was
very well satisfied to accompany him as his gentleman, for which
he allowed me one hundred a year, but oh unspeakable! the very
remembrance shocks my imagination, when my worthy friend introduced
me, the young gentleman eyeing me closer, and seizing me by the
shoulder, swore he knew me, for that I had three weeks before
robbed him, of his watch and fifty guineas. My friend was struck
with amazement, and I with horror. I was speechless, my paleness
confessed my guilt, which when I recovered myself, I imputed to
the sudden surprize of my being accused of a crime which never had
entered into my thoughts. Enraged at the denial, he said I was an
infamous lying villain, and struck me, which made my nose spout
out with blood. My friend told him calmly, he might be mistaken in
faces, but he insisted on his perfect knowledge of my person, and
said he could safely swear to my identity; while I was stopping
the blood, which flowed in streams about the room, he explained
the particulars of this robbery to my friend; urging that I was
not satisfied with his money but would have his watch, which more
incensed him than the loss of the money. Sir, said he, I am sorry
to find that you could have any connections with such a fellow, but
more so to recommend a robber to be my servant. _When he had won my
money_, said he,—at these words it is inexpressible to describe the
tide of rapture, that flowed upon my affrighted, my terrified soul;
such is a reprieve to a condemned wretch in sight of the place of
execution. He proceeded,—when he had won my money, he baited me with
all the tricks and insinuations of a common gambler, and seeing my
watch said, if I would stake that he would venture twice the money it
was worth; so unequal a hazard took me in, and I thought I possibly
might win all again; he won it and left me abruptly, when he went
out, another person came in, of my acquaintance, who seeing me in
some confusion asked me the reason, which I instantly told him; nay
said my acquaintance, if you keep company with known gamblers, how
can you expect better? I replyed, I did not know him to be such, or
should have avoided him. This, Sir, is the case, I never saw this
fellow since, and now I have secured him by this accident, I’ll send
him to Newgate to be made an example of, my friend remonstrated in
my favour, that he had known me for a long time, and never knew me
to bear any such character, that what the person who came in said
might be out of pique, that he did not pretend to be my advocate in a
cause, wherein I might possibly be innocent; but that his stirring
in such an affair might hurt reputation on both sides. I then spoke
for myself, assuring him I had ever played on the square, and that
my playing three times the worth against a bauble of a watch was
an evident proof of it, since I might lose even with pack’d cards,
that I very well knew the gentleman who came in, who owed me a
grudge for the same reason, my winning his money; that though losers
have a right to speak, they have no right to defame, that it was a
common thing for those who lose by gaming to think with prejudice to
the winner; that a gambler was not my known character; that it was
dangerous to attack a man’s reputation without good proof, and that
his proof would never stand good before an equitable magistrate, for
that it was impossible for that person, or any other to prove that
I had pack’d the cards, that time or any other; that a blow from a
strange man, nay from any man, was an unaccountable outrage, and that
though I was reduced by a train of misfortunes, to such a pitch as to
apply for service, yet that I was far from deserving such ill usage,
in the attack on my person, on the one hand, and on my reputation on
the other. He heard all this with patience and only replyed, damn
him, let him begone, I shall get nothing by suing a beggar; I was
glad to take his advice, so taking my leave of my own friend I left
the place, and you may be assured, fellow-prisoners, with abundance
of alacrity,—for I thought of one thing and he of another,—I thought
of the gallows, which I knew I deserved, though not from him, and
he only thought of a bite. This affair made me more cautious of
getting myself recommended to any man, but what could I do without
money, all I had to do was to apply to my reputed father, which I
did on the instant, not without apprehension of being known by some
of his customers, who frequented the house, I went at night, and was
received like the prodigal son, with this difference, that I neither
wanted the best robe, a ring on my finger, or the fatted calf,—my
exigence was of quite another nature; I wanted the _universal pass_,
and I did not well know how to ask it; however I told him of my
resolution to travel, if I had his permission, which if I gained, I
knew the needful would not be wanting. I was happy enough to prevail,
he complied, and after a fond parting and a great deal of good advice
he gave me twenty guineas, little knowing that I had been used to
larger sums. He then went with me himself to his wine merchant, who
dealt largely at the Mediterranean, for which place a ship lay ready.
I thought I should never get safe out of the kingdom, but setting
sail we soon arrived at Leghorn. I had letters of credit, for small
sums to be given me by gales as I called for them, and taking a
lodging at a Cabaretto, and some refreshment, I went to bed, where I
slept serenely, as I slept secure from all the terrors which had long
banished the sweet and healing deity from my eyes.
CHAP. XI.
_Conclusion of the life of_ Tom Traveller.
After a sweet and most profound repose, such as I have not
experienced from the time I had left my father’s house first, I
awoke, and knowing that nature after a great sea sickness, for I was
sick the whole voyage, found an inclination to an egg or two, so
went down and ordered the landlord to get me some for breakfast,
who told me that he had none but turkey eggs, and those he was sure
I would not eat; I asked him why? for I should like them to choose,
if they were new-laid; he said they were laid that morning, but
that it was monstrous to eat them in Leghorn, as they were devoted
to another use.—What to be set, and hatched said I—ay to be sure,
he replied, staring at me, as if I was a fool or a madman, why,
continued he, they are devoted to our clergy: Sir, an English sailor
like you, once called for eggs, and I had none but turkeyeggs, as
is the present case, but he would have them, yes, da—n his eyes,
and he had them, but Sir, as he was breaking the shell, out popt a
little young cardinal, with a red hat, who thus accosted him.—Why
you English son of a bitch, how dare you break my house over my
head, though my mother was but an oyster, I’d have you to know that
my father was a cardinal; he swore heartily to the truth of it, and
finding him a facetious lyar, laughed as heartily as he swore, but
nevertheless eat three of the cardinal’s mothers with a great deal
of satisfaction; I then took a walk to see the city, in high-dress,
and as I was walking through one of the streets, saw a great crowd
of people going into a tavern, whom I also accompanied. The landlord
seemed to be a man about fifty years of age, of a florid healthy
countenance, plump and sleek; who thus accosted, Gentlemen, I am
perhaps the greatest curiosity in Europe, how old do you take me
to be? all agreed not above fifty, I shall, gentlemen, on the 19th
of next month, be in the hundred and fifteenth year of my age, and
never drank any thing but water in my life, nor ever knew any woman
but my wife, never was bled, never took physic, never knew one sick
minute, I thank Providence; now gentlemen follow me, and I’ll shew
you a greater prodigy than myself. We followed, and the first thing
that presented itself to our sight, was a cradle, in which lay an
old man, who seemed to have lived in the days of good queen Bess, so
wrinkled, so emaciated was his face; his beard extended to his navel,
his eyes sunk in his head, and I could compare the skin to nothing
but shrivell’d parchment, well, said the landlord, in that cradle
lies my youngest son, he is not 72 till the 14th of March, hardships
in war, and travel by sea and land, together with a most dissolute
life spent with women, and in drunkenness, have brought him to this
untimely old age; he has been a fool these twenty years, which saved
his life to this time, because it disabled him from pursuing his
former courses, a sad example of immorality and lewdness, as I am
a standing monument of the contrary. Thus gentlemen, you have seen
two of the greatest curiosities in Leghorn, if not in Europe, for
a dollar a piece, and you are all extraordinary welcome.—When the
company went away, I asked my landlord if he could provide me an
interpreter to shew me the other curiosities of that famous city;
which request he soon complied with, and I went with him; I told
him my desire of seeing some of the courtezans, and he took me to a
public stew; the custom and manner of which being extremely curious,
I shall describe to you in as concise a manner as I can. My guide and
interpreter knocked at the gate of one of the highest in repute. A
porter appeared, to whom he gave two pence in our money. He rung a
bell, and this produced an appearance of a priest, who in Italian,
which my guide interpreted, remonstrated against our entrance, but
this was only form, inveighing solemnly against the heinousness
of our intentional sin; the guide paid him his fee for his kind
admonition, which was six pence, he also rung a bell, and the doctor
appeared, who brought us into his room, and examined us as to our
health, but would take nothing but occular proof by convincing his
own eyes. When this scrutiny was over, he received the same fee with
the parson; in his turn he called the madona, or mother-abbess by
ringing a bell, who on the instant appeared, and introduced, into
what I may call the painted gallery, which presented us with the
pictures of the most celebrated courtezans in Italy, particularly
those of Leghorn, both of those who were dead, and of those who were
living.—I asked by my interpreter, if the famous beauty Domitella
was living, and was answered in the affirmative, and at present in
Naples, in keeping by cardinal _Putezzi_, the Queen’s confessor,
and archbishop of _Naples_. I asked next for the pictures of those
women who resided in this particular _Licentiadi_, and was led into
two rooms, the one the sick-room, the other that of health, wherein
the pictures were disposed, and changed from room to room, as they
fell down, or recovered. She desired me to take my choice, and
pointing with my stick to one of the most beautiful in my fancy, was
told, she was that night to dance with a young jesuit in disguise,
for she is marked with white lead, you see two or three more are
taken out already, and who therefore are at the baths preparing to
receive their respective lovers.—I asked how many beauties there
might possibly be, and was told, that she had then in the college,
seventy-four in health, and about ninety ill: I was determined
now I was in, to go through with the ceremonies of this temple of
Venus, and having singled out another, a bell rung which brought the
original to my sight; she happened to be a beautiful little woman,
of uncommon vivacity, we dined together, and in the evening, she
left me to go to the baths, while my guide and I took a walk mong
the parterres and gardens of this common seraglio; we could observe
many females of exquisite beauty peeping through the lattices, and
some of them wantonly nodded at us, and many were in their smocks.
At four the great bell rung to invite us to prayers; I thought this
the most daring and flagrant piece of hypocrisy I had ever met
with.—I went to prayers, and did as I saw others do; there were a
great many elegant women of remarkable beauty, and a great number of
men, as well Italians as foreigners; but the young courtezans were
disposed in a seperate place from us. After prayers, another bell
rung which invited all to the coffee-room, and here was little or no
distinction, some drinking by themselves, some in couples, and some
in droves, some drank negus, tea, coffee, capillaire, just as they
thought proper, there being here, neither distinction, nor respect of
persons, but all were well dressed except some English captains, and
lieutenants of the navy, who dressed in their own manner, _a la mode
de vaisseau_.
A band of musick then struck up in the assembly-room, one of the
largest and handsomest I had ever seen; this was adorned with a
gallery for those who did not chuse to dance.—The windows were
blinded, and the room illuminated by a number of globes, beside
branches of wax candles; we danced and went through all the
ceremonies of a ball, or rather ridotto, there being sweet-meats and
every other thing elegantly disposed in the buffettos, and about
eleven the bell rung for supper which ended at twelve, and then all
retired; and every gentleman-lover, was lighted to the scene of
delight by his respective sultana. In the morning, I arose and bid my
guide who did not dance, nor celebrate any of the mysteries, except
taking two or three glasses of wine, to pay the night’s expences,
which came in all to no more than a chequin, or nine and six-pence
of our money; the cheapest entertainment I had ever met with in my
life; for the courtezan herself receives nothing from her lover; and
yet they all live in the most accomplished elegance and affluence.
The madona, or mother-abbess pays a great rent to the Pope for her
license, as do two thousand other houses in this city. What then
must all the licensed brothels in Italy pay? this income, thus
produced, it is pretended, goes to maintain certain vessels of war
to fight against the Turks, but I believe this immense sum centers
in the coffers of his holiness, which minds of a tribute arising,
formerly in ancient Rome, from the temples of _Cloacina_, imposed by
one of the emperors, and which one of his ministers told him stunk
in the noses of the people of Rome; the emperor shewed him a great
heap of gold, and asked him if that stunk.—no says the minister;
why then says the emperor, why should the tap stink which produces
so flagrant, so sweet a smell? We left the temple of Venus, and
having discharged my guide, and seen every thing worth attention in
Leghorn, took ship to visit the _Archipelago_, where are dispersed a
great number of islands, small and great. Having set to sea, we were
overtaken by a storm, and were drove on shore on an island of which
the captain said he knew nothing more than that it must certainly be
one of the Arches. This made us cautious of going up into the land,
without being armed.
CHAP. XII.
_Discovery of a new Island not to be found in our Maps._
Therefore forty of us (among which I was one) declared our
inclination of reconnoit’ring this island: It was rocky, sandy, and
therefore desart, which we supposed to be the reason of it’s being
never noticed by seamen; for as the Arches are a kind of a serpentine
walk on the sea, a Dedalean labyrinth, it is more than possible,
it is morally probable, that one thousand mariners in one thousand
years, might never be obliged by storm, course, chance, or accident
to have entered into the narrow ferry, or ferries, dividing it from
forty others, insignificant as itself, which surround it. So that
we were not surprized that after searching all the maps, charts,
gazetteers, and even the great geographical dictionary for this
island, we found all our attempts to find it entirely fruitless and
abortive; on the hazard of reconnoit’ring the island, which was not
seemingly more than two leagues in length and one in breadth, we took
four rounds of cartridge, that in case of an attack, we might be
able to facilitate our retreat to the boats; we went up about half a
mile into the country, when we could plainly espy without glasses,
a great number of the inhabitants on a hill who seemed flocking
together to observe our motions, not without seeming apprehension
of an invasion, which notwithstand from their numbers compared to
ours, they must have laughed at; however, we made friendly signals
of distress to invite them down, which they seemed, either not to
understand, or to disregard; we then took courage, thinking that they
could be no more than a parcel of peasants, or at best a raw militia,
so we proceeded to the foot of the hill, but on our advancing so far,
and looking forward, instead of having the least retrospect towards
the ground we had passed, our small corps was quite surrounded, and
made prisoners of war. They took from us our arms, without entering
into any discourse with us, and taking the barrels out of the stocks
with more dexterity than a gun-smith, they planted them on a rising
ground, and returning us the empty stocks, pointed to the artillery
they had just planted, with the greatest solemnity and presence
of mind, and then making signs that we should depart, dismissed
us, still pointing to our gun-barrels, significantly expressing
by their silence, (for they said not a word) that our own arms
should be pointed against us, if we dared come there again; we were
very well satisfied with this discharge, since as there appeared
several thousand of them against us poor forty, we prudently did not
discharge one piece at them, which might have irritated them to such
a degree, as to cut us to pieces; so we made a fine expedition of
it, and returned in safety to our boats, which conveyed us on board,
where when we appeared with our empty stocks without barrels, we were
heartily laughed at by our ship-mates.
Here _Hugh of the Borough_ interrupted _Tom Traveller_, by asking
him, what manner of people the natives of the island were,
seeing they were so grave, reserved, and silent, to which _Tom_
replied, will you believe me, _Hugh_, every mother soul of them
_Monkeys_.—_Monkeys_, I assure you upon the word of a traveller, and
ever since from our journal of observations, we have marked down
the place, and given it the name of _Monkey-Island_, and it is well
known in a true and correct map, since engraved and published.—Now
as we cannot attest the truth of this last part of _Tom Traveller_’s
relation, concerning either the discovery of this new island, or the
circumstantial particulars of their being disarmed, yet this we are
sure of, that there are several miraculous events, and as equally
unknown islands set down in the maps, charts, journals, voyages, and
travels of very grave and credible writers both ancient and modern,
whom, nevertheless we do not pretend to discredit, nor do presume
to dis-authenticate, since they, bear an equal shew of probability
with the relation of _Tom Traveller_, who by his name has a right to
stretch as well as those worthy voyagers or map-makers. Here ended
his narrative, however, and upon that sole account here endeth the
twelfth chapter of our history.
CHAP. XIII.
_The Biographer returns to the history of his own hero, after a
short remark on landing on an enemy’s country._
We would not be understood to reflect any oblique hints, innuendos,
or insinuations on our own affairs, by this landing of a single
ship’s company on an enemy’s coast, and we desire the politicians
to forbear construing the affair of the barrels being taken from
the stocks by an army of Monkeys, to the disadvantage of the
ministry. Far be it from us to frame any such sly reflections: This
landing of forty men, on an unknown island, can bear no analogy to a
premeditated plan of harrassing the well-known boast of a well-known
enemy. There is so great a disparity between the two incidents, that
we hope to be acquitted of this charge, by every wise politician, as
it is remote from our purpose to make any such odious comparisons.
We shall resume our respectable history, verily believing, and
nearly assured, that when it is read and thoroughly examined by the
reviewers, whether monthly, or critical, it will appear, for truth,
candor, wit, humour, learning, ingenuity and invention to exceed,
either the ancient history of _Reynard_ the Fox, or the modern one of
_Pompey_ the little.
_Tom_ the _Cat_, being rejoiced at his releasement, exerted himself
that night in the greatest inactivity, according to the philosophic
dream of _bis inertiæ_. For he slept heartily and had several
pleasant dreams, which _Artemidorus_ never dreamed of, as we do not
find one of them in his collection of dreams. His fellow servant
lately discharged, had ever since her quarrel fell enamoured of
_Tom_’s beauty, and consequently resolved to wheedle him away the
first opportunity she could lay hold of. _Tom_, she knew would follow
her all over the world, and she thought it was a thousand pities,
so fine a fellow as _Tom_ should spend his days with so despicable
a wretch as her late mistress, to which species of women, I think
they give the common name of a _Brimstone_, and others tack that of a
dog’s wife to it.
_Tom_ was now a quarter old, being born on the 21st of _December_
1751, whence some think he was called _Tom_: However, as his mistress
_Clotilda_ was a Methodist, we can give no credit to this surmise.
Though he was but three months of age, yet was he gigantic in his
stature, being at this age as large, as some old full-grown Cats.
His make was of the athletic; his shoulders were brawny, and his
hinder parts resembling those of the tyger, but in nothing more did
his beauty consist, than in the exteriour, which strikes first, and
which saved him from being drowned; for he was beautifully variegated
in colour like the leopard, neither two much streaked, nor too
much spotted, but finely intermingled on a milk-white ground, the
streaks and spots justly proportioned in the most admirable symmetry:
His belly and breast were immaculate as the swans, which greatly
heightened the characteristic beauty of his face, which looked like
that of a fine woman, when she adds half a dozen small patches,
disposed with art in such a manner, as to impart an additional
strength to each charm. His eyes, which were of the sapphire, had
an unspeakable tenderness, mixed with a masculine significancy, and
the other appurtenances of his face, his whiskers long and short were
of an elegant projection. His constant play-fellow, his tail was of
the serpentine spiral, sometimes he would curl it, and then it bore
a near resemblance to the streamer of a man of war when the breezes
curl it, at the top-mast head. It was _tipt_ with _silver_, like a
_verger_, when he introduces one into a pew of the Cathedral. His
mien and carriage were stately, august, and solemn, except when he
ran, and then neither the _Hind_ nor the _Panther_ could vie with him
in fleetness.
Thus formed, thus arrayed in robes of ermin, who could have eyes,
and not confess the superiour beauties of _Tom_, in comparison of
which all other _Cats_ seemed _Rats_, either in size or excellence.
In genius he was a _Mouser_, but many and great were his acquired
abilities. The boys, who loved him from a kitten, had taught him to
play at leap-frog, but he soon exceeded his young masters by leaping
over half a dozen of them standing. They used him to leap over a
horizontal stick as high as they could hold it up. They had taught
him to pick pockets with his mouth, as well as his paw, by putting
a bit of meat or cheese therein, and he was able at length to cap
a man of six feet high, by jumping at his hat, and pulling it off
with admirable dexterity. It would be tedious to enumerate all his
parts, natural and acquired, be it sufficient to say, that he was
possessed of all those eminent good qualities, which distinguish
the monkey.—One evening, his fellow-servant seized a favourable
opportunity, and calling to him, _Tom, Tom_, she turned the corner
to be out of sight; he followed the well-known voice, and leapt into
her arms; she covered him with her apron, and during the eclipse,
he was agreeably entertained with a slice of very fine _Glou’ster_.
When she brought him home, she performed the ceremonies of _Extreme
Unction_, rubbing the soles of his feet with butter. This extreme
unction differs from that of the papists, as the _feline_ is purely
_local_, and applied to those extreme parts of the Cat, called the
feet, whereas the other is temporal, and applied at the last moments
to persons expiring. Those wags, called the casuists, will have it
that this temporal application at the hour of death, is in imitation
of a heathen custom, common among the Roman Athletæ, or wrestlers,
who used to anoint their naked bodies with oyl, the better to _slip_
out of the _gripe_ of their antagonist. But whether this analogy
will bear, we leave to those profound theologists, who deal in such
learned disquisitions. _Tom_’s new mistress, the better to endear
herself to his affections, poured out a libation of sweet milk to
entertain him the longer in lapping, that during his perambulations
across the room, he might be induced at every stage to visit the
fountain-head, which she liberally supplied. And thus _Tom_ became
intimately acquainted with his new appartment, and his new mistress,
both of which he was so well satisfied with, that tho’ he had known
the way, he had not the least inclination to revisit the place of
his _Nativity_; and thus he absolutely forgot, or neglected all his
_domal_ dignities to the great disgrace of _judicial Astrology_,
wherein, however, he very much excelled most of his cotemporaries
whether of the feline or human species.
CHAP. XIV.
_Some account of the person, and character of_ Dolly Tinder,
Tom’_s new mistress_.
Here would have been a fair opportunity for some writers, fond of
digressions, to indulge their favourite passions, by making, or
fabricating a good long chapter upon _judicial Astrology_, but
we scorn to swell our book to an enormous size by any such mean
expedient, as we do not want matter, (we will not say subject matter,
for fear of offending that delicate mythologist, master _Launcelot_,
the templar) sufficient to carry on a larger volume, than the
present, without having recourse to such low stratagems.
We shall give the reader a concise, and more entertaining chapter
on the charms and morals of _Dolly Tinder_, daughter of an eminent
lamp-lighter of this metropolis. Her mother was as famous in her
branch of business, being a very substantial linen-draper, (as the
Welch collier says in the recruiting officer of his wife, poor Mary
——) it being this matrons business to gather rags for the paper
mills. Thus born of mean but honest parents, _Dolly_, who, as she
grew up, was a jolly bucksom wench, seemed cut out for servitude,
and to this she applied herself with indefatigable industry; but
unhappily for her among the other places in which she had lived, she
was in the sixteenth year of her age, in the employ of a warfinger,
in the regions of _Black Fryars_, here it was that she contracted
an acquaintance with the water-men, and an amour with one of the
lads of the skullers. Many were the voyages she made on the Thames,
with her lover, who always refused the least fee, or gratuity for
his beloved mistress, as he had reason to expect, she would pay
him the fare in another coin. Neither did she prove ungrateful, or
unfavourable to his wishes; for before she was in her seventeenth
year, she found her stays grow narrower, and narrower, so as not to
be able to contain that waist, so often commended for it’s taper
symmetry; when those evident marks of her pregnancy appeared, she
quitted her mother’s house, and fled for refuge to that of her
mother-in-law, who received her as the wife of her son, and she was
brought to bed of a chopping boy, which, when she was well, was by
general consent, carried by the good old matron to the foundling
hospital, and there deposited; whether he is as yet received into
the marine society, we cannot be assured, but being begot under
_Aquarius_, he may probably one day become an able commander at sea,
and be an honour to the element from whence he sprung. The waterman
her lover, like his native river, was like all other lovers, liable
to inconstancy, so he soon manifested his neglect by a very cold
indifference, and once by a severe beating. She was not behind hand
with him, for she revenged the insult by immediately throwing herself
into the element of _Fire_, and took up with a glass-man. Thus she
became again connected to her own family affinities, since her lover
had a near correspondence with the occupation of her father,—_Glass_
and _Fire_. As she had lived so long among the _Pleiades_, she now
removed her quarters to the hotter constellations, and since her
Aquarius with his buckets, was unwilling any longer to quench that
flame which he had lighted up in her bosom, she resolved to repel
_heat_ by _heat_, choosing her residence under the sultry influence
of _Sirius_, the Dog-star; by him she had, during the succession
of ten years, a litter of whelps, most of which fell to the lot
of the above repository, which as the grave receives the _forlorn
dead_, is appointed to receive the _forlorn living_. After so long
a cohabitation, and a visible decline in her charms, from incessant
child-bearing, it is no wonder if the Glass man, burnt up with the
flames of coals, and the flames of love, was now burnt to a cinder,
which indeed he was in a metaphorical sense, for he died of a decay,
and left her a widow to the wide world, and forlorn-hope.—But _Dolly_
was not so very much fallen into the vale of years, being now
twenty-eight, but she retained some reliques of her former beauty,
and one day as she was walking across the Temple courts, an old
gentleman of the Middle Temple became enamoured of her, and giving
her the keys of his chambers, was soon admitted to her embraces,
though not to his affections, for she was of too liberal a nature to
refuse the repeated sollicitations of several young Templers, with
whom she lived successively, being nevertheless constant to each of
her paramours, during her legal administration among them. By their
bounty, she became possessed of ten pounds, which she generously
bestowed on an eminent chimney-sweeper, being unwilling to quit the
precincts of her favourite element the _fire_, of which she had so
much in her constitution, that some say, she was troubled with
Messalina’s failing: But with this Vulcan she did not chuse to live
long, being tired of his sooty embraces; she accordingly robbed
him, and fled to the Borough, where she actually, and for the first
time married a chairman; but thinking this condition of life too
humble, she aspired to the coach-box, and having eloped from the
Christian beast of burthen, she lived with Automedon, and afterwards
entered into the constellation of Auriga, by going into the arms
of a waggoner, till at length tired with a variety of lovers, she
prudently resolved to turn oyster-woman, and live independant of
that monster man, so far as her warm complexion would admit her. She
soon grew weary of this occupation of life, and lived with a _Jew_,
an old clothes-man, by whose itinerations through Monmouth-street,
she became acquainted with her late mistress, and entered into her
service much about the æra of our _feline_ history. The other part of
_Dolly_’s history the reader has been informed of, and therefore we
shall resume the more respectable annals of our Hero.
CHAP. XV.
Tom _is bound apprentice to a dancing master. His great progress
in that genteel Science: His adventures with the Monkeys._
_Dolly_ his new mistress, had lately applied to a register office,
where for a shilling paid in hand, a small capital, it is possible
to procure the interest of four or five pounds a year. A most wise
institution, or rather discovery of some sagacious æconomical
personage, who might have made an immense fortune by his invention,
had not his envious brethren pyrated him to the great disgrace
of government, and discouragement of genius, as well as arts and
sciences: Pity it is, that this prudent politician, had not been at
the expence of purchasing a patent, to ensure to himself the profits
of so great a discovery.
One of these learned Gentlemen, had obtained a place for _Dolly_,
who paid the other perquisites, due on being put into possession; I
think it is a shilling in the pound, proportionable to the wages;
so that if the wages be five pounds, the proprietor of this new
acquisition, whether place-man, or place-woman, shall receive no more
than nineteen shillings of his, or her quarter’s wages; so that if
one of these place-mongers shall procure one hundred such places,
in one quarter, (which is but a low computation) he shall receive
the gratuity of thirty pounds for his pains, without advancing a
farthing capital; how high must then this reasonable profit arise,
when the wages or sallaries amount to ten or twenty pounds a year?
and yet this lucrative employment is of _modern_ discovery, to the
great scandal of our forefathers, who as in the discovery of other
arts, and sciences, supinely slept, and never dreamed of such golden
advantages. _Dolly_ on going to her new place, was sorely perplexed,
what to do with her favourite _Tom_; next to money or man’s flesh,
she loved _Tom_, and as the former seemed the more feasible
exchange, she pitched upon it as the more eligible; among her _Jew_
acquaintance, during her residence with the _circumcised_ cast off
clothes-man, she had recollected her intimate connections, with a
young German of the synagogue, on whom she bestowed some singular
marks of her affection: He had for several seasons frequented
_Bartholomew_ fair, and the _Borough_, and was proprietor of several
foreign beasts, as monkies, man-tygers, and others of the minute
kind, whom he trained up to his own band, beneath the discipline of
the whip and bell, and taught them a thousand feats of activity,
and cunning, by means of the very same doctrine which _Richlieu_,
the French general, devised to conquer the stubborn _English_ at
the intended invasion, and conquest of _England_, viz. _Fear_ and
_Hunger_, but which he admirably improved into the sanguinary tenets
of downright murder in cold blood, a tenet, worthy the general of a
_most Christian King_.
To this _German_, of the _Hebrew_ race, she instantly applied and
sold poor _Tom_, under the foster name of apprenticeship to this
tyrant king of the _Singeric_ order; if the _Scots_ sold their king
for a groat, and _Judas_ his master for thirty silver pennys, how
more barbarous in her to sell her favourite, and fellow-servant for
an old cast cardinal, to adorn her for her introduction to her new
place; but so she did, and poor _Tom_’s indentures were made over
a pot of porter, to the disgrace of humanity, much more of female
tenderness, in this _black_ deed exceeding the cruelty of Ynkle,
who sold his mistress Yarico for an inconsiderable sum. How could
she wear this _black_ robe, which every day threw in her face the
_blackness_ of her guilt and ingratitude; if she could not recollect
the many gambols of his infancy, and the sweeter endearments of his
more advanced and adult age, if she could forget the many songs
with which he entertained her, both at meals, at work, and in bed,
where he often purred her to sleep; sure she ought to think of her
fellow-sufferer, and fellow-servant with more compassion than to
deliver him into the hands of a savage, among savages, under whose
intolerable cruelty he must endure many and severe stripes, beside
the accumulated hardships of confinement, and starving.—Unhappy
_Tom_! better had it been for thee, ere thy eyes were opened, to have
shared the fate of thy brethren and sisters, long since past the
sense and feeling of their sufferings.
But we will not dwell longer on so mournful a subject, an event, in
itself, of so tragic a nature, as may extort tears from many of our
compassionate readers.
The first letter of salutation _Tom_ was taught by his dancing
master, was to leap thro’ a hoop, but as he was some months before
learnt to leap over the stick by his young school-fellows, he easily
went thro’ this exercitation to the no small surprize of his master,
who yet imputed this first step to _Tom_’s natural genius; and
therefore promised himself all success imaginable from so sensible,
and so active a creature. Though _Tom_ had in his younger days often
described the _diagonal parallelogram_ circle in pursuit of his
own tail, round which he had performed as many _revolutions_ in a
_day_, as the _Earth_ does round the _Sun_ in a _century_, yet had
he never till now made an _horizontal_ line through the _center_
of a circle. He was next tried in the begging attitude, but in
this too he excelled all the quadrupeds that ever came within the
jurisdiction of this German posture master, so that in his second
lesson, he surprized his master as agreeably as before, and actually
followed a piece of meat, which was conducted before him, by way of
_precedent_, more erect than many of his bipedal fellow-creatures
of the more dignified species; his next instruction was to perform
the _gradation_ of a perpendicular ladder of ropes; in this he was
somewhat awkward, but by degrees, and as it were by _gradation_,
he acquitted himself tollerably well for the first time, and was
esteemed as an excellent scholar, and his master boasted of his new
pupil’s proficiency with more than ordinary elevation of voice and
spirit. By de lord, dat made me, says the _German_, dancing-master,
me hav one kot, dat vil bring me more monis, in one, two, three
monts, dan all my monkies togeder, me wou’d not give him for one
guinea, at dis present time, and fen he is made to my hond, me wou’d
no give him for ten. Thus the first day passed to the great credit,
and entire satisfaction of his master, who threw aside the whip and
bell, believing from such a great docility that he should never more
have occasion for it with respect to _Tom_, who was notwithstanding
tied up to his respective post, with a good strong whip-cord. But
as Dalilah bound Sampson with cords, sufficient as she thought to
bind him down to his good behaviour, which he broke as a man would
flaxed threads, so in vain did the German posture-master tie up
_Tom_ who made a shift to knaw the bands asunder, and give himself
liberty; but alas! the door was shut, and he found himself to his
great mortification, as close a prisoner as ever; so casting about
to find a vent-hole for his escape, he searched to no purpose, and
seeing a strange groupe of unnatural figures about him, his curiosity
led him to approach them, which he did to their no small surprize
and terror, and as they spoke to him in an unknown languague, so he
found that conversation, which he desired with his fellow-prisoners,
cut off; he first came in a gentle manner, and saluted the old baboon
with a loud mew, and was answered with a loud chatter, which at first
disconcerted him very much, not well knowing whether the noise he
made was a signal of friendship, or antipathy; however, as he judged
his fellow-prisoner’s heart by his own integrity, he proceeded, and
extended his paw, as it were to play with the old gentleman, which
the other bit almost to the bone, and had very nigh disabled poor
_Tom_ from ever practising another lesson, this rough return to his
good-nature so irritated _Tom the Cat_, that he fell upon _Pug the
Monkey_’s leathern jaws which he tore in a terrible manner, and then
went round with the whole neighbourhood, not daunted even at the
man-tyger’s dreadful form, for Tom had such intrepid courage that he
would venture upon the Devil himself in his anger, had he been in the
shape of any of those creatures, though it were an _armed rhinoceros,
or the Hyrcanian tyger_.
The out cry that was set up in the prison, brought the keeper, who
judged that some of them had broke loose and fallen upon the rest,
but least of all did he judge his favourite _Tom_’s having slipt his
collar, but easily guessed how matters went, when he saw the old
baboon, the man-tyger, and the other lesser creatures bleeding. He
considered what part he should take, or what measures pursue, in so
interesting an affair. He rightly believed that _Tom_ must have been
the aggressor, as it was consistent to reason so to imagine. He had
got a great deal of money, by his old acquaintance the singerical
fraternity, and never had handled a penny piece of _Tom_’s gettings,
but then he might possibly get a fortune by so extraordinary and
so promissing a genius, beside, thought he, the poor fellow, not
dreaming any harm might have come too near them, and so have received
the first blow, which he owned was provoking to one of _Tom_’s
spirit, but when he saw the creature limping up to him, and his
fine coat tore in several places he was confirmed in his opinion,
that the battle sprung from the malevolent monkeys, whom yet he
thought it hard to chastise as they had suffered sufficiently from
the enraged fury of our feline hero. He however took up the whip, and
bell and brandished over the heads of the terrified society, taking
_Tom_ along with him, as one unfit for such quarrelsome companions,
and worthy of a superior destination; he therefore took him up to
his own room, and having clasp’d a leather collar round his neck to
which he affixed a neat brass chain, he pinned it down to the floor,
permitting him a good scope to walk about the room, after this he
combed him and examining his legs, he applyed a little butter to
it, which _Tom_ by constantly licking, as it was kept constantly
greased, soon made a cure of. When he was perfectly recovered the
German took abundance of pains in his education, teaching him to walk
fast, to run, and to jump on his hind feet, so that _Tom_ at the age
of five months, became a perfect adept, and could cut capers higher
than mons. —— the French dancer. He in three days made him tumble
head over heels, backwards and forwards, and even three Somersets
at once. Had he possessed the hands of tenacity like those of the
monkey, _Tom_ would have excelled all of that species, taught or
untaught. This was a great deficience in _Tom_’s make and form, and
as sensible a grief to his master, who would have given ten guineas
that _Tom_ had pugs hands, but as the poet says, _non omnia possumus
omnes, nec licet cuivis adire corinthum_, and with this scrap of
Latin we shall abrutly conclude this chapter, in order to have an
opportunity of displaying our learning, and to begin another chapter.
CHAP XVI.
_Tom commences an amour with a young lady of his own kidney.—He
turns actor and makes his first appearance on the stage at
Bartholomew-fair._
Tom was according to the custom of this celebrated place invested
with all the requisite apparatus of _Yates_ and _Shuter_. The
day was proclaimed by the Lord-Mayor, and the usual solemnities,
performed, of which _Tom_ was entirely ignorant. To describe this
great festival would be superfluous to most, therefore, for the sake
of the few, we shall confine ourselves to the department of _Tom_
the _Cat_. The bill run thus, several pantomime entertainments by
a real _Cat_, who excels _Maddox_ on the wire, plays the slight of
hand better than —— performs the dexterity of rope-dancing, and tells
fortunes; little, very little of this, oh! ingenious reader did _Tom_
the _Cat_, know any thing of it; yet his wise promulgators, thought
proper to impose on his supposed wisdom, and on the ignorance of
those who had met there to be imposed upon.
The German had however employed a piece of canvass to represent the
figure of _Tom_, in his various attitudes, something like those
exhibited of _Steward_, _Saunders_, _Maddox_, and Miss _Wilkinson_;
attitudes which the _Cat_ never performed.
The populace were drawn in, and more came to see _Tom_ the _Cat_’s
performance than that of either _Shuter_ or _Yates_.
When _Tom_ the _Cat_, made his first appearance at Bartholomew-fair,
it was not doubted but he would give the greatest satisfaction. The
monkeys and their tribe were first introduced to the people, who
played their old tricks over and over; but when the people called
aloud for _Tom_’s appearance it was then, and not till then, that
the sport of the fair begun; they gaped wide, when there appeared
several gentlemen of the human species; two by two, then several
ladies of the female species, two by two, dressed in robes of mimic
tissue; maids of honour in pairs, with white gloves. Next baboon,
king at arms, dressed in his regalia, attended by two ushers; next
came the ladies of the bed-chamber, followed by two pages of the
back-stairs, two train bearers; who bore the princesses coronet on a
velvet cushion, adorned with the arms of the _singeric_ order; and in
the middle, supported by two _feline_ lords, appeared _Tom_ beneath
a canopy of state. He was known, as _Garrick_ is, or as _Barry_ and
_Mossop_ was, by the dignity of his steps, and by other marks and
badges of his superiority over all the rest. For oh! reader; believe
me, who was present at this triumphal procession, that this mock
entrance was no more than the artifice of a German, purely invented
to deceive you, and to draw you in, whereas, there was nothing worthy
to be seen, but the figure and appearance of _Tom_, graced or rather
disgraced by the attendance of these _syngeric_ animals.
When he appeared first there was an universal clap of applause, tho’
he neither said or did any thing; he had been taught to make his
usual obedience in private, as players study their parts and get one
to hold them, to see if they are _gotten perfect_.
The first part he appeared in was in the _jack-scene_, which as it
was drawing up, he times the motion, leaping upon it, goes it ever so
swiftly, on which he stands till the leads are drawn up. Then, like
_Harlequin_, he is seen in the wheel turning a heavy spit, laden with
several joints of flesh and fowl, cut out in wood, at length he leaps
out of the wheel, and is received by the cook in the frying pan, out
of which he jumps into the fire, to verify the good old proverb,
_out of the frying pan into the fire_. This fire being painted to
deceive, did accordingly deceive the ignorant, but as _Tom_’s feet
never felt the heat of it, so did he after many grimaces of the
feet (allow me the expression) jump directly on the ladder of ropes
placed in a vertical position, on which he descended and ascended
better than e’er a minister of them all. The monkeys were put to the
trial, but they could not execute like him; in his begging attitude,
he collected for his master forty pence, out of a hundred and fifty
present; but when he jumped through the hoop on the stage, they all
threw down half-pence, pence, and shillings, which he had too much
honour to gather up, but left that to his substitute, the German’s
wife.
A female cat was then introduced, with whom he was to dance a minuet:
This too he performed to the satisfaction of all present; and when
the stewards appointed him to lead up the country dances, no person
there was more alert or brisk, than he to see that the ladies were
properly served with negus, tea, or coffee, as they desired: After
this it is said, there was an _Harlequin_ entertainment performed,
in which _Tom_ played the part of _Harlequin_, and his mistress or
partner that of _Columbine_, to the utmost satisfaction of all the
people who visited the German’s booth on this occasion, and some go
so far as to say that neither _Shuter_ or _Yates_ had much company
that night, as the German had cunningly inserted it at the top of
his bills that the character of the _Harlequin_, was to be performed
by _Tom_ the _Cat, who never appeared on any stage before_, and the
character of _Columbine_ by a young Lady of the _Cat-kind, it being
the first time of her appearing in that character_. This is the lady
of the feline quality with whom _Tom_ from this happy occasion of
playing _Harlequin_ with her commenced an amour.
With this young virgin _Tom_ was locked up by the German, in order to
have a fine breed by them. She was of a pure milk white, unspotted as
her chastity, had been the favourite puss of a lady not so unspotted
as herself; her ladyship seldom went a visiting without her dear
_Araminta_, (so she called her;) unhappy for poor _Minty_ she was one
summer’s evening diverting herself with catching flies, when this
cruel son of Judah took her up, and ran away with her; and though
her ladyship advertised her with marks, and tokens, and a handsome
reward, yet the Jew locked her up so close, that there never was any
tidings of her since, till this respectable history discovered the
place of her confinement, and sent _Tom_ to be the knight to this
distressed damsel.
On being closetted by this superb beauty, _Tom_ fell deeply
ennamoured, as indeed what Cat could withstand her insuperable charms
without feeling the flames of love. It is said that his passion for
her gave him a poetical turn, and produced these lines of the feline
composition.
On the Charms of MINTY the CAT, written by her lover TOM,
_Minty_, consent to be my bride
And I will quit all Cats beside,
Not the gay kitten in her prime,
Shall tempt my love to waste the time,
On any other Cat but thee,
On any but my charming she,
Let thy cærulean eyes behold
Thy lover _Tom_ to slavery sold,
A prisoner like thyself confined,
Yet to the cares of bondage blind,
So charming _Minty_ will but deign
To let me wear a lover’s chain,
Thy freedom I will ensure,
Thy self from injury secure,
Yes I’ll secure my charming Cat
From the fierce dogs, or o’er grown rats.
If _Minty_ on my faith relies on,
I’ll try each mouse for fear of poison,
Secure from harm, we’ll mouse together
Nor value dog or rat, a feather.
Still in my breast will imprint you
And wear thee in my heart dear _Minty_.
Whether he sat it to music himself, or some other celebrated master
framed the vocal composition, we cannot certainly say, but we hear
it was sung by a very good voice at the fair in the presence of
_Minty_’s self, who doubtless was not a little proud to hear her
beauties extolled by her own lover.
_Tom_ was too courtly to attack her any other way, than _en
Cavalier_—and she was not so prudish as to cry _Pish!_ like some
modern fine ladies, or say—I would not have you imagine me so easy
a conquest,—or I am none of those creaters you think me, and such
stuff—as his professions were honourable, and as she was conscious of
her own beauty, she believed his vows to be unfeigned, and though,
Conscious of her beauty she look’d down
Permitting the admiring sighing lover
Without restraint to feed upon her charms.
Yet, she was not ashamed to confess an equal passion for him,
and to repay his love and sincerity, with the surrender of those
charms, which none but so handsome a fellow as _Tom_ could either
conquer or deserve; we shall here be silent, and draw a curtain
over those conubial delights, which we cannot paint: Certain it is,
that they were both virgins, and therefore some people may be apt,
superstitiously to apprehend that the first child must be a fool; but
to falsify that vulgar opinion, we can affirm, that the first child
_Minty_ ever had, was the wittiest of the five, of which she was
delivered this lying in, and that the last born died of a miserable
consumption, contracted in the womb from the imbecility of its
texture. However, she was not so delicate or tender as to keep her
room for the fashionable month: History affirms, that she killed two
lusty mice, eat a slice of bacon, which she lighted on by accident,
and went through the part of Columbine two days after delivery. The
applause _Tom_ got in the character of Harlequin procured him such
a character as the celebrated _Lun_ himself never purchased, with
all his feats of activity; nay, this approbation went so far, that
several people came to converse and familiarly play with him and
actually gave him money, which he put into his master’s hands to keep
for him; notwithstanding his confinement grew very irksome to _Tom_
and his young lady, yet he fared very elegantly. He had bread and
milk, for his breakfast every day, fresh meat for his dinner, and
milk for supper; she indeed during her pregnancy longed for tea, of
which the Jew seldom drank any.
To obtain freedom for himself and dear _Minty_, became now the sole
object of his attention; it engrossed all his thoughts, and almost
interfered with his business. No husband on earth, could love a wife
better than he did his _Minty_, but love itself, incompatible with
bondage and confinement seemed to give way to the noble efforts for
freedom, with which his mind struggled. She indeed was a sharer in
his misfortunes, which in some measure sweetned the bitter cup, and
alleviated his misery, and though he did not understand Latin, yet he
thought with the Roman Poet,
_Salamæn miseris socios habuisse doloris._
As he was taking a walk with _Minty_, he observed a mouse under the
bed, and darting at it, he missed his aim, but made a happy discovery.
Not the famous _Erwin_, when he thought he found out the longitude
by discovering the immersion of the satellite of _Jupiter_, could be
more sensibly affected with raptures of delight, than our hero was
on the discovery of a mouse-hole, which led into the next garret.
Not _Columbus_, when he found _America_, nor _Cortez_ on discovering
the _Indian_ mines of gold could be more overjoyed. He would have
cried, ευρηκαμεν, but he happened not to understand the Greek—sure
it is he thought it, though he did not express it in terms; but he
was no sooner about reconnoitring the place, in order to invest it
_vi et armis_, than the door opened, and he was for ever torn away
from the arms of his beloved _Minty_. Oh! dire misfortune to lose his
mistress, together with the means of escape, and just at the very
crisis of the discovery.
So have I known a bard who having happily nicked a line, finds
himself embarressed and sorely perplexed to discover a rime to it.
He consults _Bysshe_’s Art of Poety, turns over the leaves, and
investigates the whole volume to catch the rhime, but in vain—at
length he scratches his head, pares his nails with his teeth, and
fathoms the depth of his own memory, when, oh! unspeakable! a dun
raps at the door, the rhime, just in the point of view, escapes him,
and is lost for ever, never alass to be again recovered. It had been
some consolation thought _Tom_, with himself, if this interruption
was deferred only till I had made the discovery to my charming
_Minty_—now she must pine in solitude, and waste the remainder of
her widowhood in fruitless anguish and imprisonment; constrained
to obey, though reluctant, every summons of her lordly ruler, to
frisk, and dance without inclination, for the entertainment of a
pitiful mob. Thus he lamented, till he was brought down stairs to be
exhibited as a shew; for his extroardinary beauty and the rumour
of his many excellent qualifications had drawn several to drink at
the house where the Jew lodged, in order to have a sight of _Tom
the Harlequin_, as he was now nick-named though other historians,
and some commentators differ in this point, insisting that he was
more universally called _Harlequin Tom_. Our penetration is not
sufficiently piercing to discuss this, or to determine the dispute
either in the affirmative or the negative. Many, however, were the
encomiums bestowed on the singularity of his shape, his fine skin,
and extraordinary stature, the brightness of his eyes, the symmetry
of his limbs, the poignancy of his wit, or the agility of his body.
When our hero had gone through his several exercitations, the Jew
pinned down his chain to the floor, and sat himself down with the
company who had invited him to regale over a pot of beer, which when
he consented one of the company who did not come there for nothing,
entered into the following dissertation, which the reader will find
in the next chapter, and if he chuses to read it through, he will
find it none of the most frivolous in the history.
CHAP. XVI.
_A learned dispute concerning the mythology of the word Cat,
between two celebrated dictionary writers, and other of the
literate compilers of words._
From the attempt to build, came the destruction of that stupendous
pile, or rather quarry of stones, called _Babel_; hence some
linguists say the English word _babble_ from that destruction came
the confusion of languages, which our modern dictionary-writers,
under the pretence of _distributing_, have thrown all into _pye_,
and are now building, or rather rebuilding that mighty fabric of
tongues, by piling and compiling every new year, dictionary after
dictionary, folio after folio, so that after a successive generation
of the alphabet, every letter of which begets a column if not a
whole page, we may expect soon to see a babel built of dictionaries,
whose top shall aspire unto the clouds, and once more provoke the
almighty thunderer, to send down a vindictive bolt which shall once
more throw all tongues into their original confusion. There were
at the same time of our hero’s being brought down from his dearest
_Minty_ about half a dozen of these _Word-wrights_, who after having
seen the diverting drolls of _Shuter_ and _Yates_, and among other
things the performance of _Tom the Harlequin_, or _Harlequin Tom_,
(utrum horum mavis accipe) were willing to pay a second visit to
our hero, and therefore desired his master, the Jew, to bring him
into their presence, that they might once more feast their eyes on
a creature, which they affirmed to exceed the leopard in beauty,
the tyger in saline qualities, and the antilope shape. This led
them into a discourse on the qualities of this creature, and a very
learned gentleman, who understood hellenisms started a question or
quære—_Unde derivature Cat?_ For, says he with a calendered face,
we should first _define_ any word before we can arrive at its
constituent parts. The word _Cat_ is a _monasylable_, made up of the
constituent letters C. A. T. so is the word _Hat_ derived (as Tom
Brown says) quasi, from the word _Hate_, because, says that learned
antiquarian, men _hate_ to go without their _hats_, especially
quakers, and ladies who wear them, and appear covered in their
respect places of worship. Now, let us see, if we can’t find some
word analogous in some of the languages, which may bear a similar
analogy or corresponding affinity to the word _Cat_.
Now, gentlemen, in all the languages modern, or ancient, foreign or
native, oriental, or occidental, cannot I find a nearer relation to
the word _Cat_, than in the Greek language of which you know I am
a perfect master—thus I say _Cat_, is derived from the Greek κατα,
which being a Greek præposition, has several significations—analize
the word _Cat_ forward, it reads _Cat_, and backwards _tac_, and any
other way, _act_, turn it as you will now, Sir, take the particle,
or expletive article, _a_, _a_, _Cat_; turn this and wind it as you
will, it must make either, a Cat, or atac, and borrowing an _N_,
by way of subsidiary or ally to support the expletive _a_, he will
then be _an_, and then it will be an atac, or an _attack_. Try the
greek word κατα—wind him, and turn him, he makes the word, _atak_,
or in our idiom _attack_, so that our English word, a Cat, and the
greek word κατα, signifies, either way _atak_, or _atac_. And what
creature is more fierce to attack than a Cat, and this I affirm to
be the answer to unde drivatum, a Cat, not to mention the precise
or indefinite significations of the præpositive expletive κατα. He
said, and sate down—next spoke and stood, one split hair, a mighty
causuist in words, who perfectly understood how to add, subtract,
divide, and multiply in words as accomptants do in figures. He could
make fractions, and was able to conjure down the best letter in the
alphabet into a cyper, so as to serve him in cases of necessity,
either on the right, or the left of an other letter; by the addition
of these substitutes, he could make any word stand for, or mean, any
thing, as the arithmetician does, with his nine figures, and his
beloved, O, he could make them dance country dances, figure in, or
figure out, just as he pleased of which I shall by way of examples,
or diagram, give the following alphabetical system, of his own
projection.
+---+---+---+---+---+
| S | A | T | O | R |
+---+---+---+---+---+
| A | R | E | P | O |
+---+---+---+---+---+
| T | E | N | E | T |
+---+---+---+---+---+
| O | P | E | R | A |
+---+---+---+---+---+
| R | O | T | A | S |
+---+---+---+---+---+
which letters being taken any way compose the same sound, and he
defies any algebraist to make such another projection with the nine
figures, since he has in this marvellous scheme made use of only
eight letters.
He insists that the word _Cat_ was derived from _Cate_, a delicate
sweet-meat, for why? Cats love _Cates_, and are especially fond of
licking cream? hence, the proverb—will a _Cat lick cream_? And, why
not, interrupted another _word-wright_, named _Quasimodo_, why not,
_Cat_, from _Catherine_, or from _Catterpillar_? This unexpected
derivation drew over a great many partizans, of several who were
in the seats, and some affirmed, it was the best derivation given
as yet—Yes, says _Split-hair_, if he supports the alphabetical
authority. A just objection, replied _Quasimodo_, but I only take the
initial part of the word _Cat-her-ine_—or if you will _Cat-he-ine_;
I have nothing to do with _he-rine_, or if you will _herring_,
because to mix it in this place with Cat, would be confounding
fish and flesh, and producing an amphibious meaning,—but suppose,
Whittington’s Cat, or Montaigne’s _Cat_ was called _Kate_, from
Wittington’s wife _Kate_, or _Cate_, wont that do? And as for the
word _Caterpiller_, or _Catercousin_, or _Caterer_, or _Cat-call_,
or Cat and nine-tails, or _Cat_ in pan—or _Catamite_, each and every
of these words may be tortured to confess as good a derivation,
as your κατα, or attack—and what do you think (says a wag in an
adjacent seat) of the word Cat-eg-or-i-cal—much the same says
_Quasimodo_, or the Greek appellative—_Hecate_, who was a witch,
(most Cats are said to be witches, you know) which if you divide,
will make out the word—_He-cat_—(e final left out) or hekaton, a
hundred—or _Cat-as—Strophe_—so that at the _fag_ end of the business
instead of a Cat a nine-tails, you may have, a _Cat-hekaton_ or
_Cat-a-hundred-tails_.
While this learned dissertation passed, the German, who expected
every moment, that the Hebrew language, would be at length brought
on the tapis, eagerly swallowed ev’ry word, without digesting a
letter, and having drunk plentifully of the circulating pots, which
he emptied, as fast as they came round, he had forgot poor Tom, who
by this time was some miles off; this being the whole design of this
cabal; the intent, purpose, end, and meaning whereof, was no more
than to gule the poor Jew, and steal Tom, by engrossing the German’s
attention with porter and chat, till a proper opportunity should
be found to loose his chain, and bear him off triumphant; which
the fellow employ’d, executed with the most admirable dexterity,
and tho’ poor Mr. _Shuter_, was accused of being concerned in this
confederacy, our history entitles us to acquaint him, and _Yates_,
together with all the other droll men, and wild beast men in the
fair, and we do aver, they were ev’ry mother’s soul of them out of
the plot, neither were any persons, directly, or indirectly in the
_hum_, but the persons above mentioned, we mean the disputants
_Split-Hair_, _Quasimodo_, and their adherents.
CHAP. XVII.
_Gives an account of what became of_ Tom, _who meets with an
unexpected acquaintance, and a new mistress; is restored to his
liberty; goes a whoring, and is lost_.
The Jew having been plentifully and designedly plied with liquor,
(for he was permitted to drink the most part of ten pots to himself)
never missed the hero of our history, till the next morning, and
he went to bed that night as _David_’s sow, for he was not of
_David_’s line. His name was _Abram Judah_, but his descent was from
_Ishmael_, the hand-maid’s bastard son; and there are very few Jews
who can truly and really boast any other descent, tho’ they, like all
other people in this respect, when abroad, and far from their own
home, affect and boast a pedigree to which they have no title.—There
is not an English vagrant, on the common tramp (as they express it)
but pretends to be well born, well bred, and worthy a better fate,
than that to which he was then subject, even those under the dominion
of _Jack Ketch_, though born of the most profligate and abandoned
rogues, and prostitutes, and who have learned under the influence of
their example, those vices, which brought them to that end, shall
die with a lie in their mouths, and boast the honesty, if not the
gentility of their parents: But of this flagrant piece of bravado,
none are more guilty than the Welch, Irish and Scotch, who being
reduced under the English yoke, and deprived of all other titles to
worldly respect, hold fast a sprig of the tree of genealogy, and are
all gentlemen born to estates, which they are kept out of by right
owners, from _Shenkin ap Shones_, who has but three goats in the
world, to the meanest Highlander.
Far be it from the writer of this history to make national
reflections, but if these annals should happen to light into the
hands of any of the three nations, let such remember, that it is
absurd, and ridiculous to the last degree, to claim that respect
which the world will give them on an imaginary title, either an
estate on the mountain of Penmanmure, or a family descent, which, if
it ever existed, is long since extinct, and dead to all intents and
purposes.
But the Jews of all others run into the greatest extravagancies in
this hypothetical system. Each and every of them, from the meanest
pedlar up to S—— G—— will tell you the very identical spot in the
land of Canaan, which was alloted to them by their legislator, long
before the days of David: Nay, some of them shall boast of such
and such of their female relations, who had the honour to be of
the seraglio of king Solomon; nor can I neglect this favourable
opportunity which offers itself of relating a secret memoir, of two
or three of their richest people, which may serve as a specimen
of their disinterested loyalty to the present prince, under whose
auspicious government they enjoy all the reasonable privileges of
natural subjects.
There was a traitor condemned to be executed at Tyburn, for having
in this city watched our armaments by sea and land, and sent timely
notice to the French king of all our intended expeditions. When he
found that there was no hopes left, he privately sent to a proper
person, to acquaint him, that he had something of moment to impart,
which regarded the welfare of the nation. He was admitted, heard,
and examined, and actually gave information of the particular people
concerned in the French loan, at the head of which were the chief
people of the Jews, and principally three of their richest and most
opulent traders. The traytor by this discovery saved his life, at
the time that the people at Tyburn had paid for their places to
see the execution of so notorious a malefactor. The person to whom
the information was delivered, turned the discovery to the prudent
ends of government. He sent for the three principal money-lenders,
who being confronted by the informer, were obliged to confess
their treachery, and thus the loan intended for the French king,
immediately changed its channel, and by the dexterity of the
minister, became subservient to the expences of a tedious war.
Yet these loyal subjects are the very people, to whom we were on the
point of linking ourselves, by a voluntary act of naturalization,
as if we had entertained a presumptuous design of frustrating all
prophecies, and making null the predictions of their dispersion, and
of these people being a scattered people over the face of the whole
earth. It was in vain for the son of _Ishmael_ to lament the loss
of his favourite Cat. _Tom_ was irretrievably lost. His search was
fruitless, and the more he stirred in the search, the more he became
the object of ridicule.
Our hero was no sooner brought to his new lodings, than he found
himself in the arms of his old fellow-servant _Dolly Tinder_, by
whose subtilty the whole scheme was laid and executed by her agents,
_Split-Hair_, and _Quasimodo_; the favorable representations she
had made to the mistress with whom she now lived, of the beauty and
excellence of our hero, captivated the lady with the strongest desire
to have him in her own possession. She had indicated this desire to
_Split-Hair_, and _Quasimodo_, two schoolmasters who attended her
son, the one in Latin, the other in writing and accounts. She gave
them a guinea to carry on this design with more facility, and to
bribe proper instruments to bring off our hero; which was accordingly
performed in the manner related.
Had _Dolly Tinder_ given her mistress the most valuable present, she
could not more have ingraciated herself than by this new acquisition;
she fed him, caressed him, and did every thing endearing to cultivate
a good acquaintance with her favourite. He even rivalled her darling
parot in her affection; and ’tis said Poll took umbrage at this
unnatural desertion, and did not speak a word to his mistress for two
days. He refused even to be fed by her, and fell into the deepest
melancholy. However, in some few days more, _Tom_ behaved with that
deference and respect to the parrot, whose plumage he greatly
admired, and whose interests he was somewhat afraid of, that they
entered into a very great friendship, and correspondence soon after,
and he permitted Poll to take some of his best morsels, nay, brought
it to his very cage, so that in a short time after, _Poll_ would
walk all over him as he lay stretched by the fire side, and suffered
himself to be carried on his back as Tom walked along the parlour.
But it happened one evening in the dusk, that he espied a beautiful
young female, who seemed by her careless air to be disposed for a
night’s ramble. Our hero, therefore, with his usual complaisance,
went up to her, and made his inclinations known, that he should
be glad to share that night’s adventure in company with so fair a
creature, and she giving a half unwilling consent, he followed her to
a dark ally; and was never more seen or heard of by his disconsolate
mistress.
CHAP. XVIII.
_Our hero subdues the affections of his new paramour; he is
attacked by a rival; fights a duel; flies to the Tabbies, at this
time at war with the Blacks. Is made general. The battle of the
Cats. Defeats the enemy. A list of the killed, wounded and taken
prisoners. A Feline commander deprived of all his commissions and
places for neglect of duty, with many other matters which the
reader will find in this busy chapter._
Our hero soon entered into such close and intimate connections
with this young courtezan, that he forgot the duties he owed to
himself. He forgot his honour; and all other grateful sentiments,
were erased from his heroic breast, in this following the example
of many illustrious kings and personages of antiquity, particularly
_Hannibal_, and _Alexander_, the one delaid by pleasures, at Cannæ
when he might have made himself master of Rome; the other immersed in
voluptuousness, and foreign luxury at Persepolis, and forgetting his
interests in Macedonia.
Thus, in like manner, did our _Tom_ forget the duties he owed to
his new and indulgent mistress, the lady of _Dolly Tinder_, not to
mention his obligations to that faithful fellow-servant of his,
to whom he owed his liberty. He now ranged at will, and took an
unlimited freedom in the walks of love; till at length he found
himself abandoned to sensuality, and resigned himself to the
torrent of self-indulgence which bore him away from all morality
and virtue. He left the city, and like a highway-man took the road
to licentuousness, committing several robberies, and depredations,
whereever he could light on prey. He would venture into the kitchens
of country gentlemen and rob the larder,—he took bones of meat from
several cats, depriving them of their meals, and like a fox, did
once assault the poultry, carrying off a young goslin in triumph
before the eyes of a whole family of geese and ganders. In short,
his actions became infamous, and his reputation stunk worse than a
_Pole-cat_.
As he was thus indulging himself in all manner of licentiousness,
wherein the vocal songsters of the grove were not safe from his
outrages, he went a whoring after strange _Cats_, and having neither
the fear of man, bird, or beast before his eyes, he at length came
to a large village; his beautiful varigated skin, fine shape, and
uncommon structure attracted the eyes of a black Cat, the wife of a
black Cat in that village; she made no manner of punctilio in eloping
from her sable husband, but unnaturally left her house and home, to
enjoy the solacing embraces of this lovely foreigner, _Jet_, for
that was her husband’s name, missing his Negro-spouse, tracked her
footsteps, and found them, _tête a tête_, in a neighbouring barn:
Though unequal in size or strength to our hero, yet as the honour of
his bed was concerned, he challenged him on the spot; a duel ensued,
and after a faint of position was laid dead at the feet of our hero,
who went farther a field, with the wanton widow of the deceased.
But murder will out: Several black Cats happening to be marauding
in the barn in quest of mice, saw the body, and went in pursuit of
the murderer, whom they also traced by the blood, with which his
claws were imbrued; they attacked him, and seeing himself ready to
be overpowered by a superiority of force, he thought the safest
expedient was to have recourse to flight, by which he escaped their
fury. He had ran three miles, and found himself in a field adjacent
to another village, nor was he long there, before several Cats
surrounding him, smelt to the blood with which his coat was deformed,
which when they found to be the blood of their enemies, instead of
tearing _Tom_ to pieces, (as they might have done in the midst of
his great fatigue) they brought him victuals to refresh him, and one
of them conducted him to a dairy, where he lapped milk sufficient to
recruit his lost spirits.
These Cats were all tabbies, and had been long at war with
the blacks of the neighbouring village. After holding many
conferences, and councils of war, they _nem. con._ chose our hero
to be generalissimo in chief for the ensuing campaign, which high
commission he most gratefully accepted; he now became commander in
chief, and being stronger than any other Cat in the three kingdoms,
he became conscious of his own superiour qualifications: His last
trial of his strength, with the sire Cat of the black nation
convinced him of his matchless abilities, and therefore he now began
to discipline his troops, and fight mock battles, to lay plans of
operation, to train them to skirmish, in cursions and surprize. To
teach how to quarter on an enemy’s country, to levy contributions,
to cover the foragers, and in short the whole process of war, either
by _stratagem_, _Coup de main_, or _Manœuvre_.
He sent out recuiting parties, who raised a large military force in
less than a fortnight, and he lived, belov’d, feared, and respected
by the soldiery as well as the other generals, and officers of his
new army.
It was on a moon-light calm night on the glorious first of August,
the date of the year I forgot, but the scene of action was on
Black-Heath, that _Tom_ at the head of an army of two hundred tabbies
made his approaches, which he scorned to make in a private manner,
but came up to them openly and in the moon-light. Neither did his
motions escape their vigilance. He had divided his troops into eight
battalions, twenty five in a battalion; and each battalion into five
ranks, five in a line.—Two battalions, he left at some distance, as a
corps de reserve, and with the other six, marched up to attack them
before they could form in battle array. However, the dispositions of
the enemy, were so well made in front by an old experienced general,
that Tom, tho’ he made several furious attacks to break their front,
the better to put those in confusion, who were forming behind, found
himself mistaken both in the courage, and discipline of his enemy.
For the wise general of the blacks, had prudently placed a line of
veterans in the front, and as our general had never fought a campain
before, he found himself foil’d in his first attempt, and thrown
into some disorder; but rallying his soldiers and covering them like
a shield, by his own personal courage and strength, he again formed
his line of battle, and renewed the attack:—The enemy’s right wing
seemed to have got an advantage of our left, which _Tom_ observing
dispatched an Aid du Camp in waiting to desire the general of the
Corps de reserve to advance, but whether thro’ a misunderstanding of
the orders, or that they were not delivered in an explicit manner,
a whole battalion of ours was cut to pieces, while that general,
was endeavouring to explain the orders: In the mean time, the left
wing did wonders, supporting the attack, which was vigorous, with
uncommon ardour.—The enemies front was repulsed several times, but
they rallied so well, and kept such excellent order, that we lost a
great many valiant soldiers, with four officers, e’er we could break
through, which at last was effected with considerable loss. A second
order was sent to the general of the Corps de reserve to pursue, but
in this two he is said to have strangely neglected his duty, pleading
that he did not know the _roads_. However the enemy retreated, in
some disorder, and with as considerable a loss.
After having gained as compleat a victory as so stout a resistance
could admit of, he determined to avail himself of those advantages
generally resulting from conquest: He in consequence of this,
disposed the troops in such a manner as to secure all the passes,
and to prevent surprize. A more compleat and brilliant victory would
have undoubtedly gained over the black Cats, had the general complied
with his orders, without hesitation, and therefore his case being
taken into consideration, he was divested of all his employments and
honours, which at that time was for some reasons of state thought a
sufficient disgrace, tho’ not an adequate punishment.
CHAP. XIX.
_A military dissertation on a_ Cat and nine-tails. Tom _projects
a scheme against_ Mouse-traps; _and burns a great number of those
machines_.
A Cat and nine-tails is so well known to the common soldiers and
sailors that we need not describe it to them, we shall only say, that
it is generally appointed for the punishment of delinquents: It is
called a Cat and nine-tails, because a Cat is a vindictive creature,
and is supposed to have as many lives as the number of the Muses, but
why the number nine should be affixed either to this mastix, or those
ladies of antiquity, we shall by no means take up the reader’s time
in enquiring, but shall reserve that, among many other invaluable
arcana, to ourselves.
We shall however take notice, that this vindictive mastix, this
flaggellum, called a Cat and nine-tails is applied to the back, which
shews its original intention, however since unworthily perverted
to meaner punishments, was to chastise cowardice, or disobedience
of orders, because tergiversation or turning the back is an act of
cowardice and disobedience.
Had a common soldier been guilty of a manifest neglect or break of
duty, we are not sure if one like the above-mentioned general would
not have ordered the _Cat and nine-tails_ to be applied to the
offending party, but so it is that,
_Little_ villians must submit to fate,
That _great ones_ may enjoy the world in state.
I remember to have been once in _G——r_, and perhaps some of my
readers might have been there at the same time (in the year 1746)
where I saw a common centinel receive five hundred strokes of the
_Cat and nine-tails_ for killing his own pig; worthy reader be not
surprized, for in the same year captain P——n was broke by the same
governor, for having bought a fish. The governor was afterwards
broke himself, but he snapt his fingers at the disgrace, having by
all manner of oppression (for he was sole merchant, baker, brewer,
chandler, shoe-maker, &c. himself) amassed a fortune of sixty
thousand pounds during his short government; but the poor centinel
never received a sixpence for the five hundred injuries he received
from the Cat and nine-tails.
Our hero having finished his campaign with success and glory, was
one day watching under a farmer’s stack of corn, to take as many
mice, as he could detect in their rapine; which was not unobserved
by the house-dog, who being accustomed himself to such slaughter,
on the pulling down the stacks, judged this to be an invasion of
his rights and privileges. _Tom_ had killed above a dozen, of which
he had breakfasted upon seven, when Roger the house-dog came on
him unawares, and invested his sides in such a manner, and began to
worry him so terribly, that our hero, strong as he was, found himself
almost at the mercy of his huge assailant.—Tom’s cries brought to his
assistance three of the stoutest cats in the village, who attacking
the nose of _Roger_, did so lacerate that, and the adjacent mouth and
nose, that his yelling reached the ears of his master, who came time
enough to disengage him from their talons. Roger, finding himself at
liberty, would have run at our hero a second time, but our hero stood
his ground spiting at him, and raising his back (on which the hairs
stood erect, like a grove of spears) to an uncommon elevation. The
farmer, seeing the resolution of this gigantic stranger, admired his
intrepidity, and beating in the dog, attempted to wheedle our hero,
who, on receiving such civil treatment from one he had never seen,
and who had interposed between him and danger, advanced up to him
in a gait truly courteous and graceful. The farmer went before, and
Tom followed with all the humility of an invited guest. The farmer’s
wife seeing a great huge cat all bloody, and its hairs almost torn
from off its back, asked her husband in a very uncouth tone of
voice, what galligaskin of a bear was that he had brought home with
him; ’tis a fine cat, replied the husband, and such a galligaskin,
as had like to have killed your Roger; here Ruth, says he, calling
the dairy-maid, get him some new milk, for the poor devil has had a
dev’lish bout on’t. He or Roger would have died on the spot, e’re
either of e’m would have given it up; two such are not in the whole
world besides, except my birchen cock, and switch the greyhound; I’ll
match the four against the four winds: I suppose, said the gentle
dame, you’ll bring your plough-horses in the house next; you’re
become the jest of the parish already with your _birchen-poles_, your
greyhounds, your horses, and your matches. Is the Cat to run a race
next? See what the ’squire will say to you, when your rent comes to
be paid; cocking and horse-racing will pay three hundred a year to
be sure, and poaching will make a gentleman of you. Hold your busy
tongue, says he, what was we before the last hard year? Were we
worth a brass farthing, till corn grew dear? shew me e’re a farmer
of e’m all has made a better hand on’t. The ’squire! Don’t tell me
of the ’squire—what has he left out of fifteen hundred a year—have
not I lent him from time to time seven hundred pounds on the west
fields; and now he wants five hundred more on the great marsh to go
to Newmarket—Rent! Why dy’e talk to me of rent? Or what is three
hundred a year to me,—come, come, I dont forget, if you do—when you
was glad to millk the cows, and do the drudgery of the steward’s
house, and when I was no more, than _Joe_ the ploughman—now, d’ye
see, I’m another man, and you’re another woman—Hea’en send us
another hard year—and then we’re made for ever. Come, come, whatever
pets I have, I lose nothing by e’m dy’e see, and so take care of
the stranger—Ruth—wash him from the blood, and I dare say he has a
fine coat. _Ruth_ did as she was ordered,—she gave our hero a large
bowl of new milk, which he stood in great need of, having lived on
rapine and plunder like other soldiers, ever since he quitted _Dolly
Tinder_. But this rule of obedience was not the only reason why
_Ruth_ loved Cats above all things; there were other motives for the
extraordinary pains she took in trimming, and feeding our distressed
hero. She loved Cats, because her mistress hated them; she loved
sports, because her master was fond of them; but above all, she loved
ev’ry thing that her mistress hated, because she hated her mistress:
The farmer and she had got between them several sons and daughters,
and old _Jane_ his wife was an old maid, twelve years since—Ruth was
fruitful; a quality much admired by the tillers of ground, especially
to those, who deal in corn; honest _Joe_ loved young _Ruth_, much
better than he did old _Jane_, because young _Ruth_’s children, which
were numerous, were also very serviceable to his farm, and were
likely to promote his intrests by the income of their labour; _Ruth_
had been the refuge of the ’squire, from whom she descended to the
ploughman _Joe_; when a young girl, she was old _Jane_’s superior,
and during the time of her being the ’squire’s mistress, received
many a low curt’sy from her _new_ mistress. These were the springs of
action, and the motives of particulars, which swayed in this family;
so that old _Jane_ had little more power in the house, than the power
of her tongue, which she was determined not to part with, as she
thought it was the last prerogative a wife _should_ part with.
When she had washed, combed, and fed _Tom_, she introduced him; at
first sight _Jane_ could not believe her eyes, and when he came to
pay his court to her, she condescended to stroke him, saying, now
you may keep your pets to yourselves,—this shall be my pet for the
future,—take you no trouble about him; for of all the creatures I
ever set my eyes on, dogs, or Cats, horses, or hounds, game-cocks,
or what not, this Cat exceeds every thing, and I hope you’ll not be
running to my lady, to make her fall in love with it, and then give
it away, for I’m determined never to part with it,—Ruth, see is it a
he, or a she,—but no matter, I’ll keep it as long as it will stay
with me; and what shall we call it _Joe_? Well, well, says _Joe_,
if you like him take him, and call him what you please, you know
the dog’s called Roger, so as this is of the better sort, give him
a name yourself,—suppose you call him _Prince_, for I love Prince
_Ferdinand_, tho’ he be a _Hanoverian_: Then _Prince_ let him be,
said old Jane, for sure he is the _prince_ of Cats. _Tom_, tho’ he
knew his own name better, was no way ashamed pf this new title of
loyalty bestowed on him; but indeed he was too much tired to pay any
great attention to the encomiums which were paid him, he therefore
laid himself down by the fire-side and stretched his uncommon length,
beneath the feet of his new mistress, entirely resigned to his
present condition.
When he awoke, he, without paying any ceremony, either to the great
house-dog, who only growl’d at him, or to a little sheep cur-dog,
who run away from him, took a circuit of the house; he first
reconnoitred the kitchen, smelt to every thing, and among the rest
retired into the cole-hole, for reasons we do not think decent to
mention. However, as he knew, when he was clean, he took care not
to dirty his coat, or even his paws, because he found there a large
quantity of saw-dust, where he performed his lucubrations. He then
went up stairs, searched ev’ry room, and next proceeded to the
garret, where an object, which he had never before seen, presented
itself to his view. He walked round it, and round it, eyeing it with
uncommon curiosity.—He smelt to it, and found something in the scent,
with which he though himself very well acquainted, yet could he not
conceive, for his life, what connection this machine had with the
well-known smell.—At length he sat him down squat, as it were to
ponder upon this new phœnomenon; after many ejaculations he could
make nothing of it, and so retired into a dark closet to reconnoitre
its contents. While he was smelling about there, he heard a sudden
noise, and going to see what it was, observed a mouse hanging by
the neck in the machine: He then began to _smell a rat_, and is said
to have made the following meditation, in imitation of Swift’s, on a
broom-stick.
_A_ Cat’_s meditation on a mouse-trap_.
By what name to call thee I know not, but the use, to which thou art
destined, is evident as a mouse-hole; and who will after trust man?
Are Cats so scarce, that their proferr’d service stinks.—Suppose the
whole race extinct, would this admirable engine destroy the race of
mice.—Can this machine smell them out, follow them to their dark
recesses, sit over them, till they pop out their heads, and then
put them to the slaughter? The structure is indeed a proof of human
ingenuity, but is it not also that of their ingratitude, and is
thus the feline services repaid? If men lay snares and gins for the
vermin, which infest them, to what use are Cats created?
Suppose a creature to exist who lived upon fleas and lice, would it
not be cruel to interpose between him and his prey, by the invention
of wiles to take them:—Every one to his occupation.—That man should
boast himself on the notable discovery of a piece of wood fabricated
for such mean and ungenerous purposes! It is a monopoly, contrary to
the nature and reason of things, to substitute an inanimate piece of
wood instead of a living creature, made and intended for the purpose.
I will never _mouse_ more, let ungenerous man kill his own vermin,
and invent ways and means to bring them to his baits. I have done
with it and him, who thus plays _Cat_ and _pan_ with one of the most
useful domestics he entertains.
Thus saying he struck the _mouse-trap_ about the room with
indignation, and went down stairs in the sullens.—However he was
beloved by every body that knew him, this affair struck him to the
heart, and he loathed the very victuals that were brought to him.
One day as he happened to be traversing the purlieus of the village,
he saw a great number of mouse-traps lying in a window for _sale_. He
recollected the form of the machine, and no doubt, judged rightly,
that they were made there; upon this discovery, he went in the dusk
of the evening, and by a most vociferous exertion of his voice, he
summoned three-score _Cats_ about him, who were curious to know the
cause of this citation.
Tom was not long relating the occasion, and after having held a short
conference with the gravest and most sagacious, he appointed the hour
and place of assignation, which was at the _mouse-trap_-maker’s
house between the hours of twelve and one at night.—They met
according to appointment, when all the house was asleep, and he
shewed the machines, at the same time interpreting the use of them to
his brethren, and the next thing that came upon the tapis, was what
to do with them, how to dispose of them, and in fine how to destroy
them; and the result of this short conference was to burn them on
the spot; they accordingly gathered the chips and shavings that lay
about the shop, and dragging about two hundred of them, which were
finished, they in an hour’s time set fire to them all; as their was a
fire in the shop it was easily done by sixty Cats, who were as busy
as their indignation could make them, nor did they much care whether
they set the house on fire as they detested every thing in it, both
the house and the master.—But as the business was very hot so did it
over heat several Cats, who died of fevers, contracted by that nights
ferment; and among the rest our hero fell sick that night, and tho’
all proper care was taken to recover him, he died the third day of
his sickness, being in the year 1759, and on the 18th of September,
near two months after the glorious victory obtained by him in his
troops, and in the second year of his age, untimely cut off in the
bloom of life. He was decently interred in the garden, and tho’ no
monument was erected to his memory, we hope this our respectable
history will transmit his name to the latest posterity.
FINIS.
TRANSCRIBER’S NOTE
On page 135 the Chapter number is XVI but it should be XVII since
XVI was already used on the previous Chapter. This has not been
changed. Similarly no change has been made to the subsequent
Chapter numbers XVII, XVIII and XIX.
Except for the changes below, all spelling and punctuation in the
text has been left unchanged. These changes all appear to be
printer’s errors.
Pg 34: ‘perceive the the’ replaced by ‘perceive the’.
Pg 74: ‘CAAP. XII’ replaced by ‘CHAP. XII’.
Pg 74: ‘not ot be’ replaced by ‘not to be’.
Pg 81: ‘boast of of a’ replaced by ‘boast of a’.
Pg 103: ‘his m or advanced’ replaced by ‘his more advanced’.
Pg 138: ‘a rearer relation’ replaced by ‘a nearer relation’.
Pg 139: ‘and and backwards’ replaced by ‘and backwards’.
Pg 140: ‘significations of of’ replaced by ‘significations of’.
Pg 147: ‘Jshmael’ replaced by ‘Ishmael’.
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