The Project Gutenberg eBook of Miss Lulu Bett
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Title: Miss Lulu Bett
an American comedy of manners
Author: Zona Gale
Release date: February 13, 2026 [eBook #77922]
Language: English
Original publication: London: D. Appleton and Company, 1921
Credits: The Online Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net (This file was produced from images generously made available by The Internet Archive)
*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK MISS LULU BETT ***
MISS LULU BETT
----------------
Z O N A G A L E
------------------------------------------------------------------------
MISS LULU BETT
A Play
_By Zona Gale_
was awarded by Columbia University in June, 1921,
the prize of $1,000 established by Joseph Pulitzer
for “The American original play, performed in New
York, which shall best represent the educational
value and power of the stage in raising the standard
of good morals, good taste and good manners.”
------------------------------------------------------------------------
MISS LULU BETT
AN AMERICAN COMEDY
OF MANNERS
BY
ZONA GALE
D. A. & Co
·INTER·FOLIA·FRUCTUS·
D. APPLETON AND COMPANY
NEW YORK : LONDON : MCMXXI
------------------------------------------------------------------------
COPYRIGHT, 1921, BY
D. APPLETON AND COMPANY
PRINTED IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA
------------------------------------------------------------------------
TO
BROCK PEMBERTON
IN DEEP APPRECIATION
OF HIS CREATIVE WORK
IN PRODUCING AND STAGING
THIS PLAY
------------------------------------------------------------------------
THE AUTHOR WISHES TO
MAKE ACKNOWLEDGMENT TO
MR. LYTTON W. KERNAN
FOR ASSISTANCE TO HER
IN MATTERS OF TECHNIQUE
------------------------------------------------------------------------
AN OPEN LETTER
_from_
THOMAS H. DICKINSON
_August 5, 1921_
DEAR MISS GALE:
Any foreword that I can write to your play, _Miss Lulu Bett_, must be
addressed to you, and others must read it, if at all, over your
shoulder. As an artist you are, of course, not interested in
definitions, being absorbed rather in always nearer and nearer
approximations; but I shall not, on that account, forbear to remark how
much your novel, and the play that followed it, have widened the
practice of the arts that they represent.
As a matter of fact, if one would understand your novel, one must think
of it in terms of dramatic art. It is a commonplace to say that this
novel marks a turning point in your art. But perhaps it is not a
commonplace to say that if we look back over the road you have traveled
we shall find a theater at the crossroads.
Are we then to consider the play in the light of the technique of
fiction? By no means! Rather one is filled with wonder that you, an
artist heretofore of the more discursive type, should have out-theatred
the theater when you come to practice on its narrow stage. If the
theater is an art of condensation here is condensation distilled; if of
form, here is form refined and simplified; if of discourse, here is
discourse summarized to shorthand. We are told that a true play is like
a score for an orchestra; that it is a series of expert notes directed
to the conductor and his players. Of no play of recent years is this so
truly the case as of _Miss Lulu Bett_. Not here are the spacious
character analyses, the circumstantial prescriptions of movements from
right to left. And yet in what recent play are characters so
silhouette-clear, or are actions so genuinely of the fabric of the
fable? Let him who thinks your play a “comedy of words” skip a page or
even a speech and see where he finds himself.
As for your two endings,--that is for you to say. Frankly the matter
doesn’t interest me greatly, for it goes back to the consideration of
the drama as a social art, while I, forgetting its dependent state,
would prefer to think of it as the product of the free spirit of the
writer. I know that I may not so think of a play any more than that you
may so write one. But I will not admit that the matter has anything to
do with happy versus drab endings, or with the variations in inclination
of the curve of Lulu Bett’s career. Nor has it anything to do with the
relative excellence of this or that. It is concerned entirely with the
fact that while as practiced to-day the art of fiction permits to the
artist more or less independence in the use of his imagination, in
writing a play he can rarely forget that he is working with a
collaborator who at the best perplexes him and at the worst strikes
terror to his heart.
Granting, as I do, that you may have two endings I see no reason why you
should not have half a dozen if you wish and if circumstances require
them. All I ask is that one of these be the ending of your choice. If
one of these endings be the artist’s own I care not what ending he
writes in collaboration. The best thing you have done in offering to the
reader your two endings is to show him the documents in the case. To
this extent you have taken another step toward that declaration of the
independence of dramatic authorship that is sorely needed.
For the craftmanship of your play, for the combined burden and
opportunity you give to your producer and to the actors (admirably
carried in every respect), for the courage of its refusals, not less
than of its manifest innovations, I, with thousands of others,
well-wishers for the American theater, am profoundly grateful to you.
THOMAS H. DICKINSON
MILTON, CONN.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
FOREWORD
For centuries people in plays have been abnormally distinguished. Theirs
has been a peculiar facility for cleverness, virility, or personal
charm, which has raised them above the individuals in the audience and
made of the theater a place where one goes to experience vicariously the
warm glow of uttering an epigram through the mouth of “Lord Goring,” the
deep satisfaction of romantic relations with a beautiful lady (“Prince
Rudolpho” acting as our agent), or the inexpressible relief of having a
mortgage lifted through the efforts of young “Tom Cartwright.”
If Art is to be held down to one of the many indefinite definitions
given to it throughout the ages--that of reflecting life--then the
theater has contained but little of Art, for it has been peopled by
unnaturally brilliant characters living preposterous lives in a manner
so totally removed from life as it is known by the honored members of
the public that they have been willing to pay money to witness it as a
curiosity.
Especially in its dialogue has the stage clung to an artificiality which
even the best of playwrights seem unable to shake off once the blood
mounts to their temples and they feel the resiliency of the second act
beneath their feet. Statistics could be brought out to prove that, in an
average gathering, the proportion of clever conversationalists to dull
though voluble talkers is one to three hundred and twenty-four thousand.
And yet almost every play contains at least three in a cast of ten whose
repartee is unquestionably intended to be classed as “entertaining.”
Even the “old-home” talk of our rural dramas, the line, “Land sakes,
ain’t them pies done yet?” with which the first act opens, has become,
in spite of its affectation of naturalness, so theatrical that whenever
we hear a genuine housewife say it in a real kitchen we suspect her of
trying to talk like an actress.
Into this babel of artificial dialogue came _Miss Lulu Bett_ bearing the
revolutionary banner of banality. And under this banner march
ninety-nine one-hundredths of American conversationalists. First in her
book, and then in her play, Zona Gale discarded the ideal held by
writers since Plutarch that their characters must say something unusual,
and gave us “Dwight Herbert Deacon” to say the gorgeously conventional
thing with epoch-making dullness.
“The baked potato contains more nourishment than potatoes prepared any
other way. Roasting retains it,” he asserts in the first act.
To which his wife replies: “That’s what I always think.”
And the white light of truth which bursts forth from this conversational
sally discovers Oscar Wilde to be a shining collection of tinsel.
Zona Gale is the first author, to my knowledge, who has dared to write
genuinely dull dialogue. Many writers have achieved dull dialogue under
a misapprehension on their parts, and still others have started out with
the honest intention of making their characters dull in the interests of
veracity. But these latter have sooner or later succumbed to the
temptation either of enlarging upon the dullness until it became
burlesque or of capitulating entirely and throwing in a clever line
simply to keep up the tone of the play.
But Miss Gale saw the truth and has kept it whole. She was depicting
uninspired American family life (almost for the first time in our
literature) and she held fast to the ideals of American family
conversation. In the opening scene of the first act of _Miss Lulu Bett_
there is not a single redeeming feature in the remarks made by the
Deacon family across the creamed salmon. It is nothing short of
magnificent.
“Dwight Herbert” is, of course, the high priest of this elaborate
banality, and in his creation Miss Gale has given to America a man made
in its own image, something rarely done on our native stage. And, as if
this were not enough, she has also brought, whining and scuffling before
the footlights, our first normal stage-child, in the unpleasing person
of the recalcitrant “Monona.” For years we have seen no small children
on the stage who did not spend their time coming downstairs in their
nighties to reunite uncongenial parents or bringing tears to the hard
eyes of adventuresses by telling them that they looked “des like
muvver.” It was with the full force of an original dramatic creation
therefore that “Monona Deacon,” the world’s most disagreeable
stage-child, came swimming petulantly into our ken. She and her
disillusioned “Grandma Bett” (a character somewhat more generic as acted
but no less vivid), with their joint and articulate hatred of the rest
of the family, constitute a refreshing rearrangement of the hitherto
idyllic characters of Childhood and Old Age.
In the interests of truth, then, Miss Gale has violated many sacred
dramatic rules. She has given us characters who talk as people really
talk and who therefore are dull. She has given us an old lady who is not
sweet, and a child who is not cute. And, on the technical side, she has
begun two successive scenes with practically the same dialogue, so that
for several minutes one is scarcely distinct from the other. And in this
last deviation from established custom she has at one stroke succeeded
in creating an atmosphere of monotony and domestic routine in home life
which stands unique among theatrical effects.
The result of such adherence to uninspiring reality might well have been
expected to be a failure in its appeal to an uninspiring nation of
theater-goers. But Miss Gale took the chance. She wrote the play, as she
had written the book, without compromise, and was rewarded by an
enthusiastic public.
ROBERT C. BENCHLEY
------------------------------------------------------------------------
THE CAST
_As produced and staged by Mr. Brock Pemberton beginning December 27,
1920, at the Belmont Theatre, New York._
MONONA DEACON _Lois Shore_
DWIGHT HERBERT DEACON _William Holden_
INA DEACON _Catherine Calhoun Doucet_
LULU BETT _Carroll McComas_
BOBBY LARKIN _Jack Bohn_
MRS. BETT _Louise Closser Hale_
DIANA DEACON _Beth Varden_
NEIL CORNISH _Willard Robertson_
NINIAN DEACON _Brigham Royce_
TIME: _The Present_ PLACE: _The Middle Class_
ACT I.-- _Scene 1._--The Deacon’s dining-room.
_Scene 2._--The same; ten days later.
ACT II.-- _Scene 1._--The Deacon’s front porch; a
month later.
_Scene 2._The same; the following evening.
_Scene 3._The same; a fortnight later.
ACT III.-- (_2d version_)--The Deacon’s front porch.
A morning later.
(_1st version_)--Cornish’s music store; the
following morning.
Between the scenes in Acts I and II the curtain will be lowered a half a
minute to indicate the lapse of time.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
MISS LULU BETT
ACT I
SCENE I
THE DEACON DINING ROOM: _Plain rose paper, oak sideboard, straight
chairs, a soft old brown divan, table laid for supper. Large
pictures of, say, “Paul and Virginia” and Abbott Thayer’s
“Motherhood.” A door left leads to kitchen; a door right front leads
to the passage and the “other” room. Back are two windows with lace
curtains, revealing shrubbery or blossoming plants; and a shelf with
a clock and a photograph of Ninian Deacon. Over the table is a gas
burner in a glass globe. In the center of the table is a pink tulip
in a pot. The stage is empty._
[_Enter MONONA. She tiptoes to the table, tastes a dish or two,
hides a cooky in her frock; begins a terrible little chant on
miscellaneous notes._]
[_Enter DWIGHT DEACON._]
DWIGHT
What! You don’t mean you’re in time for supper, baby?
MONONA
I ain’t a baby.
DWIGHT
Ain’t. Ain’t. Ain’t.
MONONA
Well, I ain’t.
DWIGHT
We shall have to take you in hand, mama and I. We shall-have-to-take-you
in hand.
MONONA
I ain’t such a bad girl.
DWIGHT
Ain’t. Ain’t. Ain’t.
[_Enter INA, Door R. E._]
INA
Dwightie! Have I kept you waiting?
DWIGHT
It’s all right, my pet. Bear and forbear. Bear and forbear.
INA
Everything’s on the table. I didn’t hear Lulu call us, though. She’s
fearfully careless. And Dwight, she looks so bad--when there’s
company I hate to have her around.
[_They seat themselves._]
DWIGHT
My dear Ina, your sister is very different from you.
INA
Well, Lulu certainly is a trial. Come Monona.
DWIGHT
Live and let live, my dear. We have to overlook, you know. What have we
on the festive board to-night?
INA
We have creamed salmon. On toast.
MONONA
I don’t want any.
DWIGHT
_What’s_ this? _No_ salmon?
MONONA
No.
INA
Oh now, pet! You liked it before.
MONONA
I don’t want any.
DWIGHT
Just a little? A very little? What is this? Progeny will not eat?
INA
She can eat if she will eat. The trouble is, she will _not_ take the
time.
DWIGHT
She don’t put her mind on her meals.
INA
Now, pettie, you must eat or you’ll get sick.
MONONA
I don’t want any.
INA
Well, pettie--then how would you like a nice egg?
MONONA
No.
INA
Some bread and milk?
MONONA
No.
[_Enter LULU BETT. She carries a plate of muffins._]
INA
Lulu, Monona won’t eat a thing. I should think you might think of
something to fix for her.
LULU
Can’t I make her a little milk toast?
MONONA
Yes!
INA
Well now, sister. Don’t toast it too much. That last was too--and it’s
no use, she will _not_ eat it if it’s burned.
LULU
I won’t burn it on purpose.
INA
Well, see that you don’t ... Lulu! Which milk are you going to take?
LULU
The bottle that sets in front, won’t I?
INA
But that’s yesterday’s milk. No, take the fresh bottle from over back.
Monona must be nourished.
LULU
But then the yesterday’s’ll sour and I can’t make a custard pie----
DWIGHT
Kindly settle these domestic matters without bringing them to my
attention at meal time.
[_Observes the tulip._]
Flowers! Who’s been having flowers sent in?
INA
Ask Lulu.
DWIGHT
Suitors?
LULU
It was a quarter. There’ll be five flowers.
DWIGHT
You bought it?
LULU
Yes. Five flowers. That’s a nickel apiece.
DWIGHT
Yet we give you a home on the supposition that you have no money to
spend, even for the necessities.
INA
Well, but Dwightie. Lulu isn’t strong enough to work. What’s the use----
DWIGHT
The justice business and the dental profession do not warrant the
purchase of spring flowers in my home.
INA
Well, but Dwightie----
DWIGHT
No more. Lulu meant no harm.
INA
The back bottle, Lulu. And be as quick as you can. Remember, the back
bottle. She has a terrible will, hangs on to her own ideas, and
hangs on----
[_Exit LULU._]
DWIGHT
Forbearance my pet, forbearance. Baked potatoes. That’s good--that’s
good. The baked potato contains more nourishment than potatoes
prepared in any other way. Roasting retains it.
INA
That’s what I always think.
DWIGHT
Where’s your mother? Isn’t she coming to supper?
INA
No. Tantrim.
DWIGHT
Oh ho, mama has a tantrim, eh? My dear Ina, your mother is getting old.
She don’t have as many clear-headed days as she did.
INA
Mama’s mind is just as good as it ever was, sometimes.
DWIGHT
Hadn’t I better call her up?
INA
You know how mama is.
[_Enter LULU. She takes flowerpot from table and throws it out the
window. Exit LULU._]
DWIGHT
I’d better see.
[_Goes to door and opens it._]
Mother Bett!... Come and have some supper.... Looks to me Lulu’s
muffins’d go down pretty easy! Come on--I had something funny to
tell you and Ina....
[_Returns._]
No use. She’s got a tall one on to-night, evidently. What’s the matter
with her?
INA
Well, I told Lulu to put the creamed salmon on the new blue platter, and
mama thought I ought to use the old deep dish.
DWIGHT
You reminded her that you are mistress here in your own home? But
gently, I hope?
INA
Well--I reminded her. She said if I kept on using the best dishes I
wouldn’t have a cup left for my own wake.
DWIGHT
And my little puss insisted?
INA
Why of course. I wanted to have the table look nice for you, didn’t I?
DWIGHT
My precious pussy.
INA
So then she walked off to her room.
[_MONONA sings her terrible little chant._]
Quiet, pettie, quiet!
DWIGHT
Softly, softly, _softly_, SOFTLY!... Well, here we are, aren’t we? I
tell you people don’t know what living is if they don’t belong in a
little family circle.
INA
That’s what I always think.
DWIGHT
Just coming home here and sort of settling down--it’s worth more than a
tonic at a dollar the bottle. Look at this room. See this table.
Could anything be pleasanter?
INA
Monona! Now, it’s all over both ruffles. And mama does try so hard....
DWIGHT
My dear. Can’t you put your mind on the occasion?
INA
Well, but Monona _is_ so messy.
DWIGHT
Women can_not_ generalize.
[_Clock strikes half hour._]
Curious how that clock loses. It must be fully quarter to. It is quarter
to! I’m pretty good at guessing time.
INA
I’ve often noticed that.
DWIGHT
That clock is a terrible trial. Last night it was only twenty-three
after when the half hour struck.
INA
Twenty-one I thought.
DWIGHT
Twenty-three. My dear Ina, didn’t I particularly notice. It was
twenty-three.
MONONA
[_Like lightning._]
I want my milk toast, I want my milk toast, I want my milk toast.
INA
Do hurry, sister. She’s going to get nervous.
[_MONONA chants her chant. Enter LULU._]
LULU
I’ve got the toast here.
INA
Did you burn it?
LULU
Not black.
DWIGHT
There we are. Milk toast like a ku-ween. Where is our young lady
daughter to-night?
INA
She’s at Jenny Plows, at a teaparty.
DWIGHT
Oh ho, teaparty. Is it?
LULU
We told you that this noon.
DWIGHT
[_Frowning at LULU._]
How much is salmon the can now, Ina?
INA
How much is it, Lulu?
LULU
The large ones are forty, that used to be twenty-five. And the small
ones that were ten, they’re twenty-five. The butter’s about all
gone. Shall I wait for the butter woman or get some creamery?
DWIGHT
Not at meal time, if you please, Lulu. The conversation at my table must
not deal with domestic matters.
LULU
I suppose salmon made me think of butter.
DWIGHT
There is not the remotest connection. Salmon comes from a river. Butter
comes from a cow. A cow bears no relation to a river. A cow may
drink from a river, she may do that, but I doubt if that was in your
mind when you spoke--you’re not that subtle.
LULU
No, that wasn’t in my mind.
[_Enter MOTHER BETT._]
DWIGHT
Well, Mama Bett, hungry now?
MRS. BETT
No, I’m not hungry.
INA
We put a potato in the oven for you, mama.
MRS. BETT
No, I thank you.
DWIGHT
And a muffin, Mama Bett.
MRS. BETT
No, I thank you.
LULU
Mama, can’t I fix you some fresh tea?
MRS. BETT
That’s right, Lulie. You’re a good girl. And see that you put in enough
tea so as a body can taste tea part of the way down.
INA
Sit here with us, mama.
MRS. BETT
No, I thank you. I’ll stand and keep my figger.
DWIGHT
You know you look like a queen when you stand up, straight back, high
head, a regular wonder for your years, you are.
MRS. BETT
Sometimes I think you try to flatter me.
[_Sits._]
[_Doorbell._]
MONONA
I’ll go. I’ll go. Let me go.
DWIGHT
Now what can anybody be thinking of to call just at meal time. Can’t I
even have a quiet supper with my family without the outside world
clamoring?
LULU
Maybe that’s the butter woman.
DWIGHT
Lulu, no more about the butter, please.
MONONA
Come on in. Here’s Bobby to see you, papa, let’s feed him.
DWIGHT
Oh ho! So I’m the favored one. Then draw up to the festive board,
Robert. A baked potato?
BOBBY
No, sir. I--I wanted something else.
DWIGHT
What’s this? Came to see the justice about getting married, did you? Or
the dentist to have your tooth pulled--eh? Same thing--eh, Ina? Ha!
ha! ha!
BOBBY
I--I wondered whether--I thought if you would give me a job....
DWIGHT
So that’s it.
BOBBY
I thought maybe I might cut the grass or cut--cut something.
DWIGHT
My boy, every man should cut his own grass. Every man should come home
at night, throw off his coat and, in his vigor, cut his own grass.
BOBBY
Yes, sir.
DWIGHT
Exercise, exercise is next to bread--next to gluten. Hold on,
though--hold on. After dental hours I want to begin presently to
work my garden. I have two lots. Property is a burden. Suppose you
cut the grass on the one lot through the spring.
BOBBY
Good enough, sir. Can I start right in now? It isn’t dark yet.
DWIGHT
That’s right, that’s right. Energy--it’s the driving power of the
nation.
[_They rise, DWIGHT goes toward the door with BOBBY._]
Start right in, by all means. You’ll find the mower in the shed, oiled
and ready. Tools always ready--that’s my motto, my boy.
[_Enter DI and CORNISH. CORNISH carries many favors._]
Ah ha!
DI
Where is everybody? Oh, hullo, Bobby! You came to see me?
BOBBY
Oh, hullo! No. I came to see your father.
DI
Did you? Well, there he is. Look at him.
BOBBY
You don’t need to tell me where to look or what to do. Good-by. I’ll
find the mower, Mr. Deacon.
[_Exit._]
DWIGHT
Mama! What do you s’pose? Di thought she had a beau--How are you,
Cornish?
DI
Oh, papa! Why, I just hate Bobby Larkin, and the whole school knows it.
Mama, wasn’t Mr. Cornish nice to help carry my favors?
INA
Ah, Mr. Cornish! You see what a popular little girl we have.
CORNISH
Yes, I suppose so. That is--isn’t that remarkable, Mrs. Deacon?
[_He tries to greet LULU, who is clearing the table._]
DI
Oh, papa, the sweetest party--and the dearest supper and the darlingest
decorations and the georgeousest---- Monona, let go of me!
DWIGHT
Children, children, can’t we have peace in this house?
MONONA
Ah, you’ll catch it for talking so smarty.
DI
Oh, will I?
INA
Monona, don’t stand listening to older people. Run around and play.
[_MONONA runs a swift circle and returns to her attitude of
listener._]
CORNISH
Pardon me--this is Miss Bett, isn’t it?
LULU
I--Lulu Bett, yes.
CORNISH
I had the pleasure of meeting you the night I was here for supper.
LULU
I didn’t think you’d remember.
CORNISH
Don’t you think I’d remember that meat pie?
LULU
Oh, yes. The meat pie. You might remember the meat pie.
[_Exit, carrying plates._]
CORNISH
What in the dickens did I say that for?
INA
Oh, Lulu likes it. She’s a wonderful cook. I don’t know what we should
do without her.
DWIGHT
A most exemplary woman is Lulu.
INA
That’s eggsemplary, Dwightie.
DWIGHT
My darling little dictionary.
DI
Mama, Mr. Cornish and I have promised to go back to help Jenny.
INA
How nice! And Mr. Cornish, do let us see you oftener.
DWIGHT
Yes, yes, Cornish. Drop in. Any time, you know.
CORNISH
I’ll be glad to come. I do get pretty lonesome evenings.
[_Enter LULU, clearing table._]
I eat out around. I guess that’s why your cooking made such an
impression on me, Miss Lulu.
LULU
Yes. Yes. I s’pose it would take something like that....
CORNISH
Oh, no, no! I didn’t mean--you mustn’t think I meant--What’d I say that
for?
LULU
Don’t mind. They always say that to me.
[_Exit with dishes._]
DI
Come on, Mr. Cornish. Jenny’ll be waiting. Monona, let _go_ of me!
MONONA
_I_ don’t want you!
DWIGHT
Early, darling, early! Get her back here early, Mr. Cornish.
CORNISH
Oh, I’ll have her back here as soon as ever she’ll come--well, ah--I
mean....
DI
Good-by Dwight and Ina!
[_Exit DI and CORNISH._]
DWIGHT
Nice fellow, nice fellow. Don’t know whether he’ll make a go of his
piano store, but he’s studying law evenings.
INA
But we don’t know anything about him, Dwight. A stranger so.
DWIGHT
On the contrary I know a great deal about him. I know that he has a
little inheritance coming to him.
INA
An inheritance--really? I _thought_ he was from a good family.
DWIGHT
My mercenary little pussy.
INA
Well, if he comes here so very much you know what we may expect.
DWIGHT
What may we expect?
INA
He’ll fall in love with Di. And a young girl is awfully flattered when a
good-looking older man pays her attention. Haven’t you noticed that?
DWIGHT
How women generalize! My dear Ina, I have other matters to notice.
INA
Monona. Stop listening! Run about and play.
[_MONONA runs her circle and returns._]
Well, look at that clock. It’s almost your bedtime, anyway.
[_Enter LULU._]
MONONA
No.
INA
It certainly is.
MONONA
That clock’s wrong. Papa said so.
INA
Mama says bedtime. In ten minutes.
MONONA
I won’t go all night.
DWIGHT
Daughter, daughter, daughter....
MONONA
I won’t go for a week.
[_DWIGHT sees on clock shelf a letter._]
INA
Oh, Dwight! It came this morning. I forgot.
LULU
I forgot too. And I laid it up there.
DWIGHT
Isn’t it understood that my mail can’t wait like this?
LULU
I know. I’m sorry. But you hardly ever get a letter.
DWIGHT
Of course pressing matters go to my office. Still my mail should have
more careful----
[_He reads._]
Now! What do you think I have to tell you?
INA
Oh, Dwightie! Something nice?
DWIGHT
That depends. I’ll like it. So’ll Lulu. It’s company.
MONONA
I hope they bring me something decent.
INA
Oh, Dwight, who?
DWIGHT
My brother, from Oregon.
INA
Ninian coming here?
DWIGHT
Some day next week. He don’t know what a charmer Lulu is or he’d come
quicker.
INA
Dwight, it’s been years since you’ve seen him.
DWIGHT
Nineteen--twenty. Must be twenty.
INA
And he’s never seen me.
DWIGHT
Nor Lulu.
INA
And think where he’s been. South America--Mexico--Panama and all. We
must put it in the paper.
MRS. BETT
Who’s coming? Why don’t you say who’s coming? You all act so dumb.
LULU
It’s Dwight’s brother, mother. His brother from Oregon.
MRS. BETT
Never heard of him.
LULU
[_Taking photograph from shelf._]
That one, mother. You’ve dusted his picture lots of times.
MRS. BETT
That? Got to have him around long?
DWIGHT
I don’t know. Wait till he sees Lulu. I expect when he sees Lulu you
can’t drive him away. He’s going to take one look at Lulu and settle
down here for life. He’s going to think Lulu is----
LULU
I--think the tea must be steeped now.
[_Exit._]
DWIGHT
He’s going to think Lulu is a stunner--a stunner....
[_The clock strikes. MONONA shrieks._]
Is the progeny hurt?
INA
Bedtime. Now, Monona, be mama’s nice little lady.... Monona, quiet,
pettie, quiet....
[_LULU enters with tea and toast._]
Lulu, won’t you take her to bed? You know Dwight and I are going to
Study Club.
LULU
There, mother. Yes. I’ll take her to bed. Come, Monona. And stop that
noise instantly.
[_MONONA stops. As they cross DWIGHT spies the tulip on LULU’S
gown._]
DWIGHT
Lulu. One moment. You _picked_ the flower on the plant?
LULU
Yes. I--picked it.
DWIGHT
She buys a hothouse plant and then ruins it!
LULU
I--I----
[_She draws MONONA swiftly left; exeunt; the door slams._]
DWIGHT
What a pity Lulu hasn’t your manners, pettie.
MRS. BETT
What do you care? She’s got yours.
DWIGHT
Mother Bett! Fare thee well.
MRS. BETT
How do you stand him? The lump!
INA
Mama dear, now drink your tea. Good-night, sweetie.
MRS. BETT
You needn’t think I forgot about the platter, because I ain’t. Of all
the extravagant doin’s, courtin’ the poorhouse----
[_Exeunt DWIGHT and INA. MRS. BETT continues to look after them, her
lips moving. At door appears BOBBY._]
BOBBY
Where’s Mr. Deacon?
MRS. BETT
Gone, thank the Lord!
BOBBY
I’ve got the grass cut.
MRS. BETT
You act like it was a trick.
BOBBY
Is--is everybody gone?
MRS. BETT
Who’s this you’re talkin’ to?
BOBBY
Yes, well, I meant--I guess I’ll go now.
[_Enter DI._]
DI
Well, Bobby Larkin. Are you cutting grass in the dining room?
BOBBY
No, ma’am, I was not cutting grass in the dining room.
[_Enter LULU, collects her mother’s dishes, folds cloth and
watches._]
DI
I used to think you were pretty nice, but I don’t like you any more.
BOBBY
Yes you used to! Is that why you made fun of me all the time?
DI
I had to. They all were teasing me about you.
BOBBY
They were? Teasing you about me?
DI
I had to make them stop so I teased you. I never wanted to.
BOBBY
Well, I never thought it was anything like that.
DI
Of course you didn’t. I--wanted to tell you.
BOBBY
You wanted----
DI
Of course I did. You must go now--they’re hearing us.
BOBBY
Say----
DI
Good-night. Go the back way, Bobby--you nice thing.
[_Exit BOBBY._]
Aunt Lulu, give me the cookies, please, and the apples. Mr. Cornish is
on the front porch ... mama and papa won’t be home till late, will
they?
LULU
I don’t think so.
DI
Well, I’ll see to the hall light. Don’t you bother. Good-night.
LULU
Good-night, Di.
[_Exit DI._]
MRS. BETT
My land! How she wiggles and chitters.
LULU
Mother, could you hear them? Di and Bobby Larkin?
MRS. BETT
Mother hears a-plenty.
LULU
How easy she done it ... got him right over ... how did she do that?
MRS. BETT
Di wiggles and chitters.
LULU
It was just the other day I taught her to sew ... I wonder if Ina knows.
MRS. BETT
What’s the use of you findin’ fault with Inie? Where’d you been if she
hadn’t married I’d like to know?... What say? ... eh? ... I’m goin’
to bed.... You always was jealous of Inie.
[_Exit MRS. BETT._]
[_LULU crosses to shelf, takes down photograph of NINIAN DEACON,
holds it, looks at it._]
CURTAIN
------------------------------------------------------------------------
SCENE II
SAME SET. _Late afternoon. A week later. The table is cleared of dishes,
and has an oilcloth cover. BOBBY is discovered outside the window,
on whose sill DI is sitting._
BOBBY
So you despise me for cutting grass?
DI
No, I don’t. But if you’re going to be a great man why don’t you get
started at it?
BOBBY
I am started at it--inside. But it don’t earn me a cent yet.
DI
Bobby, Bobby! I know you’re great now, don’t you ever think I don’t, but
I want everybody else to know.
BOBBY
Di, when you said that it sounded just like a--a you know.
DI
Like what?
BOBBY
Like a wife. Gee, what a word that is!
DI
Isn’t it? It’s ever so much more exciting word than husband.
[_Enter LULU, followed by MONONA. LULU carries bowl, pan of apples,
paring knife. MONONA carries basket of apples and a towel. As LULU
rattles dishes, DI turns, sees LULU. BOBBY disappears from
window._]
DI
There’s never any privacy in this house.
[_Exit DI._]
LULU
Hurry, Monona, I must make the pies before I get dinner. Now wipe every
one.
MONONA
What for?
LULU
To make the pies.
MONONA
What do you want to make pies for?
LULU
To eat.
MONONA
What do you want to eat for?
LULU
To grow strong--and even sensible.
MONONA
It’s no fun asking you a string of questions. You never get mad. Mama
gets good and mad. So does papa.
LULU
Then why do you ask them questions?
MONONA
Oh, I like to get them going.
LULU
Monona!
MONONA
I told mama I didn’t pass, just so I could hear her.
LULU
Why, Monona!
MONONA
Then when I told her I did pass, she did it again. When she’s mad she
makes awful funny faces.
LULU
You love her, don’t you, Monona?
MONONA
I love her best when there’s company. If there was always company, I’d
always love her. Isn’t she sweet before Uncle Ninian though?
LULU
I--I don’t know. Monona, you mustn’t talk so.
MONONA
He’s been here a week and mama hasn’t been cross once. Want to know what
he said about you?
LULU
I--did he--did he say anything about me?
MONONA
He told papa you were the best cook he’d ever ate. Said he’d et a good
many.
LULU
The cooking. It’s always the cooking.
MONONA
He said some more, but I can’t remember.
LULU
Monona, what else did he say?
MONONA
I don’t know.
LULU
Try....
MONONA
Here he is now. Ask him to his face. Hullo, Uncle Ninian! Good-by.
[_Exit MONONA. Enter NINIAN._]
NINIAN
Hello, kitten! Ask him what? What do you want to ask him?
LULU
I--I think I was wondering what kind of pies you like best.
NINIAN
That’s easy. I like your kind of pies best. The best ever. Every day
since I’ve been here I’ve seen you baking, Mrs. Bett.
LULU
Yes, I--bake. What did you call me then?
NINIAN
Mrs. Bett--isn’t it? Every one says just Lulu, but I took it for
granted.... Well, now--is it Mrs.? or Miss Lulu Bett?
LULU
It’s Miss.... From choice.
NINIAN
You bet! Oh, you bet! Never doubted that.
LULU
What kind of a Mr. are you?
NINIAN
Never give myself away. Say, by George, I never thought of that before.
There’s no telling whether a man’s married or not, by his name.
LULU
It doesn’t matter.
NINIAN
Why?
LULU
Not so many people want to know.
NINIAN
Say, you’re pretty good, aren’t you?
LULU
If I am it never took me very far.
NINIAN
Where you been mostly?
LULU
Here. I’ve always been here. Fifteen years with Ina. Before that we
lived in the country.
NINIAN
Never been anywhere much?
LULU
Never been anywhere at all.
NINIAN
H ... m. Well, I want to tell you something about yourself.
LULU
About me?
NINIAN
Something that I’ll bet you don’t even know. It’s this: I think you have
it pretty hard around here.
LULU
Oh, no!
NINIAN
See here. Do you have to work like this all the time? I guess you won’t
mind my asking.
LULU
But I ought to work. I have a home with them. Mother too.
NINIAN
But glory! You ought to have some kind of a life of your own.
LULU
How could I do that?
NINIAN
A man don’t even know what he’s like till he’s roamed around on his
own.... Roamed around on his own. Course a woman don’t understand
that.
LULU
Why don’t she? Why don’t she?
NINIAN
Do you?
[_LULU nods._]
I’ve had twenty-five years of galloping about--Brazil, Mexico, Panama.
LULU
My!
NINIAN
It’s the life.
LULU
Must be. I----
NINIAN
Yes, you. Why, you’ve never had a thing! I guess you don’t know how it
seems to me, coming along--a stranger so. I don’t like it.
LULU
They’re very good to me.
NINIAN
Do you know why you think that? Because you’ve never had anybody really
good to you. That’s why.
LULU
But they treat me good.
NINIAN
They make a slavey of you. Regular slavey. Damned shame _I_ call it.
LULU
But we have our whole living----
NINIAN
And you earn it. I been watching you ever since I’ve been here. Don’t
you ever go anywhere?
LULU
Oh, no, I don’t go anywhere. I----
NINIAN
Lord! Don’t you want to? Of course you do.
LULU
Of course I’d like to get clear away--or I used to want to.
NINIAN
Say--you’ve been a blamed fine-looking woman.
LULU
You must have been a good-looking man once yourself.
NINIAN
You’re pretty good. I don’t see how you do it--darned if I do.
LULU
How I do what?
NINIAN
Why come back, quick like that, with what you say. You don’t look it.
LULU
It must be my grand education.
NINIAN
Education: I ain’t never had it and I ain’t never missed it.
LULU
Most folks are happy without an education.
NINIAN
You’re not very happy, though.
LULU
Oh, no.
NINIAN
Well you ought to get up and get out of here--find--find some work you
_like_ to do.
LULU
But, you see, I can’t do any other work--that’s the trouble--women like
me can’t do any other work.
NINIAN
But you make this whole house go round.
LULU
If I do, nobody knows it.
NINIAN
I know it. I hadn’t been in the house twenty-four hours till I knew it.
LULU
You did? You thought that.... Yes, well if I do I hate making it go
round.
NINIAN
See here--couldn’t you tell me a little bit about--what you’d _like_ to
do? If you had your own way?
LULU
I don’t know--now.
NINIAN
What did you ever think you’d like to do?
LULU
Take care of folks that needed me. I--I mean sick folks or old folks
or--like that. Take _care_ of them. Have them--have them want me.
NINIAN
By George! You’re a wonder.
LULU
Am I? Ask Dwight.
NINIAN
Dwight. I could knock the top of his head off the way he speaks to you.
I’d like to see you get out of this, I certainly would.
LULU
I can’t get out. I’ll never get out--now.
NINIAN
Don’t keep saying “now” like that. You--you put me out of business,
darned if you don’t.
LULU
Oh, I don’t mean to feel sorry for myself--you stop making me feel sorry
for myself!
NINIAN
I know one thing--I’m going to give Dwight Deacon a chunk of my mind.
LULU
Oh, no! no! no! I wouldn’t want you to do that. Thank you.
NINIAN
Well, somebody ought to do something. See here--while I’m staying around
you know you’ve got a friend in me, don’t you?
LULU
Do I?
NINIAN
You bet you do.
LULU
Not just my cooking?
NINIAN
Oh, come now--why, I liked you the first moment I saw you.
LULU
Honest?
NINIAN
Go on--go on. Did you like me?
LULU
Now you’re just being polite.
NINIAN
Say, I wish there was some way----
LULU
Don’t you bother about me.
NINIAN
I wish there was some way----
[_MONONA’S voice chants._]
[_Enter MONONA._]
MONONA
You’ve had him long enough, Aunt Lulu----Can’t you pay me some ’tention?
NINIAN
Come here. Give us a kiss. My stars, what a great big tall girl! Have to
put a board on her head to stop this growing.
MONONA
[_Seeing diamond._]
What’s that?
NINIAN
That diamond came from Santa Claus. He has a jewelry shop in heaven. I
have twenty others like this one. I keep the others to wear on the
Sundays when the sun comes up in the west.
MONONA
Does the sun ever come up in the west?
NINIAN
Sure--on my honor. Some day I’m going to melt a diamond and eat it. Then
you sparkle all over in the dark, ever after. I’m going to plant one
too, some day. Then you can grow a diamond vine. Yes, on my honor.
LULU
Don’t do that--don’t do that.
NINIAN
What?
LULU
To her. That’s lying.
NINIAN
Oh, no. That’s not lying. That’s just drama. Drama. Do you like going to
a good show?
LULU
I’ve never been to any--only those that come here.
NINIAN
Think of that now. Don’t you ever go to the city?
LULU
I haven’t been in six years and over.
NINIAN
Well, sir, I’ll tell you what I’m going to do with you. While I’m here
I’m going to take you and Ina and Dwight up to the city, to see a
show.
LULU
Oh, you don’t want me to go.
NINIAN
Yes, sir, I’ll give you one good time. Dinner and a show.
LULU
Ina and Dwight do that sometimes. I can’t imagine me.
NINIAN
Well, you’re coming with me. I’ll look up something good. And you tell
me just what you like to eat and we’ll order it----
LULU
It’s been years since I’ve eaten anything that I haven’t cooked myself.
NINIAN
It has. Say, by George! why shouldn’t we go to the city _to-night_.
LULU
To-night?
NINIAN
Yes. If Dwight and Ina will. It’s early yet. What do you say?
LULU
You sure you want me to go? Why--I don’t know whether I’ve got anything
I could wear.
NINIAN
Sure you have.
LULU
I--yes, I have. I could wear the waist I always thought they’d use--if I
died.
NINIAN
Sure you could wear that. Just the thing. And throw some things in a
bag--it’ll be too late to come back to-night. Now don’t you back
out....
LULU
Oh, the pies----
NINIAN
Forget the pies--well, no, I wouldn’t say that. But hustle them up.
LULU
Oh, maybe Ina won’t go....
NINIAN
Leave Ina to me.
[_Exit NINIAN._]
LULU
Mother, mother! Monona, put the rest of those apples back in the basket
and carry them out.
MONONA
Yes, Aunt Lulu.
LULU
I can’t get ready. They’ll leave me behind. Mother! Hurry, Monona. We
mustn’t leave such a looking house. Mother! Monona, don’t you drop
those apples.
[_MONONA drops them all._]
My heavens, my pies aren’t in the oven yet.
[_Enter MRS. BETT._]
MRS. BETT
Who wants their mother?
LULU
Mother, please pick up these things for me--quick.
MRS. BETT
[_Leisurely_]
What is the rush, Lulie?
LULU
Mother, Mr. Deacon--Ninian, you know--wants Ina and Dwight and me to go
to the theater to-night in the city.
MRS. BETT
Does, does he? Well, you mind me, Lulie, and go on. It’ll do you good.
LULU
Yes, mother. I will.
[_Exit with pies._]
MRS. BETT
No need breaking everybody’s neck off, though, as I know of. Monona, get
out from under my feet.
MONONA
Grandma, compared between what I am, you are nothing.
MRS. BETT
What do you mean--little ape?
MONONA
It’s no fun to get you going. You’re too easy, grandma dear!
[_Exit. Enter NINIAN._]
NINIAN
All right--Dwight and Ina are game. Oh, Mrs. Bett! Won’t you come to the
theater with us to-night?
MRS. BETT
No. I’m fooled enough without fooling myself on purpose. But Lulie can
go.
NINIAN
You don’t let her go too much, do you, Mrs. Bett?
MRS. BETT
Well, I ain’t never let her go to the altar if that’s what you mean.
NINIAN
Don’t you think she’d be better off?
MRS. BETT
Wouldn’t make much difference. Why look at me. A husband, six children,
four of ’em under the sod with him. And sometimes I feel as though
nothin’ more had happened to me than has happened to Lulie. It’s all
gone. For me just the same as for her. Only she ain’t had the pain.
[_Yawns._]
What was I talkin’ about just then?
NINIAN
Why--why--er, we were talking about going to the theater.
MRS. BETT
Going to the theater, are you?
[_Enter LULU._]
NINIAN
It’s all right, Miss Lulu. They’ll go--both of them. Dwight is
telephoning for the seats.
LULU
I was wondering why you should be so kind to me.
NINIAN
Kind? Why, this is for my own pleasure, Miss Lulu. That’s what I think
of mostly.
LULU
But just see. It’s so wonderful. Half an hour ago I never thought I’d be
going to the city now--with you all....
NINIAN
I’m an impulsive cuss you’ll find, Miss Lulu.
LULU
But this is so wonderful....
[_Enter INA._]
Ina, isn’t it beautiful that we’re going?
INA
Oh, are you going?
NINIAN
Of course she’s going. Great snakes, why not?
INA
Only that Lulu never goes anywhere.
NINIAN
Whose fault is that?
LULU
Just habit. Pure habit.
NINIAN
Pure cussedness somewhere. Miss Lulu, now you go and get ready and Ina
and I’ll finish straightening up here.
LULU
Oh, I’ll finish.
NINIAN
Go and get ready. I want to see that waist.
LULU
Oh, but I don’t need to go yet----
NINIAN
Ina, you tell her to go----
INA
Well, but Lulu, you aren’t going to bother to change your dress, are
you? You can slip something on over.
LULU
If you think this would do----
NINIAN
It will not do. Not for my party!
[_Shuts the door upon her._]
INA
How in the world did you ever get Lulu to go, Ninian? _We_ never did.
NINIAN
It was very simple. I invited her.
INA
Oh, you mean----
NINIAN
I invited her.
[_Doorbell rings._]
Shall I answer it?
INA
Will you, please?
[_Exit NINIAN._]
Mother, have you seen Di anywhere?
MRS. BETT
I ain’t done nothing but see her.
[_Motions to window._]
INA
[_At window._]
Forevermore. That Larkin boy again. Di! Diana Deacon! Come here at once.
DI’S VOICE
Yes, mama.
[_At window._]
Want me?
INA
I want you to stop making a spectacle of _me_ before the neighborhood.
DI
Of _you_!
INA
Certainly. What will people think of me if they see you talking with
Robert Larkin the whole afternoon?
DI
We weren’t thinking about you, mummy.
INA
No. You never do think about me. Nobody thinks about me. And mama does
try so hard----
DI
Oh, mama, I’ve heard you say that fifty hundred times.
INA
And what impression does it make? None.... Nobody listens to me. Nobody.
[_Enter NINIAN and CORNISH._]
NINIAN
All right to bring him in here?
INA
Oh, Mr. Cornish! how very nice to see you.
CORNISH
Good afternoon, Mrs. Deacon. How are you, Miss Di?
NINIAN
I’ve just been asking Mr. Cornish if he won’t join us to-night for
dinner and the show.
INA
Oh, Mr. Cornish, do--we’d be so glad.
CORNISH
Why, why, if that wouldn’t be----
NINIAN
You’re invited, Di, you know.
DI
Me? Oh, how heavenly! Oh, but I’ve an engagement with Bobby----
INA
But I’m sure you’d break that to go with Uncle Ninian and Mr. Cornish.
DI
Well, I’d break it to go to the theater----
INA
Why, Di Deacon!
DI
Oh, of course to go with Uncle Ninian and Mr. Cornish.
CORNISH
This is awfully good of you. I dropped in because I got so lonesome I
didn’t know what else to do--that is, I mean....
NINIAN
We get it. We get it.
INA
We’d love to see you any time, Mr. Cornish. Now if you’ll excuse Di and
me one minute.
DI
Uncle Ninian, you’re a lamb.
[_Exeunt DI and INA._]
MRS. BETT
I’m just about the same as I was.
CORNISH
What--er--oh, Mrs. Bett, I didn’t see you.
MRS. BETT
I don’t complain. But it wouldn’t turn my head if some of you spoke to
me once in a while. Say--can you tell me what these folks are up to?
CORNISH
Up to ... up to?
MRS. BETT
Yes. They’re all stepping round here, up to something. I don’t know
what.
NINIAN
Why, Mrs. Bett, we’re going to the city to the theater, you know.
MRS. BETT
Well, why didn’t you say so?
[_Enter DWIGHT._]
DWIGHT
Ha! Everybody ready? Well, well, well, well. How are you, Cornish? You
going too, Ina says.
CORNISH
Yes, I thought I might as well. I mean----
DWIGHT
That’s right, that’s right. Mama Bett. Look here!
MRS. BETT
What’s that?
DWIGHT
_Ice_ cream--it’s _ice_ cream. Who is it sits home and has _ice_ cream
put in her lap like a ku-ween?
MRS. BETT
Vanilly or chocolate?
DWIGHT
Chocolate, Mama Bett.
MRS. BETT
Vanilly sets better.... I’ll put it in the ice chest--I _may_ eat it.
[_Takes spoon from sideboard. Exit. CORNISH goes with her._]
DWIGHT
Where’s the lovely Lulu?
NINIAN
She’ll be here directly.
DWIGHT
Now what I want to know, Nin, is how you’ve hypnotized the lovely Lulu
into this thing.
NINIAN
Into going? Dwight, I’ll tell you about that. I asked her to go with us.
Do you get it? I invited the woman.
DWIGHT
Ah, but with a way--with a way. She’s never been anywhere like this with
us.... Well, Nin, how does it seem to see me settled down into a
respectable married citizen in my own town--eh?
NINIAN
Oh--you seem just like yourself.
DWIGHT
Yes, yes. I don’t change much. Don’t feel a day older than I ever did.
NINIAN
And you don’t act it.
DWIGHT
Eh, you wouldn’t think it to look at us, but our aunt had her hands
pretty full bringing us up. Nin, we must certainly run up state and
see Aunt Mollie while you’re here. She isn’t very well.
NINIAN
I don’t know whether I’ll have time or not.
DWIGHT
Nin, I love that woman. She’s an angel. When I think of her I feel--I
give you my word--I feel like somebody else.
[_Enter MRS. BETT and CORNISH._]
NINIAN
Nice old lady.
MRS. BETT
Who’s a nice old lady?
DWIGHT
You, Mama Bett! Who else but you--eh? Well, now, Nin, what about you.
You’ve been saying mighty little about yourself. What’s been
happening to you, anyway?----
NINIAN
That’s the question.
DWIGHT
Traveling mostly--eh?
NINIAN
Yes, traveling mostly.
DWIGHT
I thought Ina and I might get over to the other side this year, but I
guess not--I guess not.
MRS. BETT
Pity not to have went while the going was good.
DWIGHT
What’s that, Mama Bett?
[_Enter LULU._]
Ah, the lovely Lulu. She comes, she comes! My word what a costoom. And a
coif_fure_.
LULU
Thank you. How do you do, Mr. Cornish?
CORNISH
How do you do, Miss Lulu? You see they’re taking me along too.
LULU
That’s nice. But, Mr. Deacon, I’m afraid I can’t go after all. I haven’t
any gloves.
NINIAN
No backing out now.
DWIGHT
Can’t you wear some old gloves of Ina’s?
LULU
No, no. Ina’s gloves are too fat for me--I mean too--mother, how does
this hat look?
MRS. BETT
You’d ought to know how it looks, Lulie. You’ve had it on your head for
ten years, hand-running.
LULU
And I haven’t any theater cape. I couldn’t go with my jacket and no
gloves, could I?
DWIGHT
Now why need a charmer like you care about clothes!
LULU
I wouldn’t want you gentlemen to be ashamed of me.
CORNISH
Why, Miss Lulu, you look real neat.
MRS. BETT
Act as good as you look, Lulie. You mind me and go on.
[_Enter INA._]
DWIGHT
Ha! All ready with our hat on! For a wonder, all ready with our hat on.
INA
That isn’t really necessary, Dwight.
LULU
Ina, I wondered--I thought about your linen duster. Would it hurt if I
wore that?
DWIGHT
The new one?
LULU
Oh no, no. The old one.
INA
Why take it, Lulu, yes, certainly. Get it, Dwightie, there in the hall.
[_DWIGHT goes._]
CORNISH
Miss Lulu, with all the solid virtues you’ve got, you don’t need to
think for a moment of how you look.
LULU
Now you’re remembering the meat pie again, aren’t you?
[_Enter DWIGHT._]
DWIGHT
Now! The festive opera cloak. Allow me! My word, what a picture! Lulu
the charmer dressed for her deboo into society, eh?
NINIAN
Dwight, shut your head. I want you to understand this is Miss Lulu
Bett’s party--and if she says to leave you home, we’ll do it.
DWIGHT
Ah, ha! An understanding between these two.
CORNISH
Well, Miss Lulu, _I_ think you’re just fine anyway.
LULU
Oh, thank you. Thank you....
[_Enter DI._]
INA
All ready, darling?
DI
All ready--and so excited! Isn’t it exciting, Mr. Cornish?
DWIGHT
Bless me if the whole family isn’t assembled. Now isn’t this pleasant!
Ten--let me see--twelve minutes before we need set out. Then the
city and dinner--not just Lulu’s cooking, but dinner! By a chef.
INA
That’s sheff, Dwightie. Not cheff.
DWIGHT
[_Indicating INA._]
Little crusty to-night. Pettie, your hat’s just a little mite--no, over
the other way.
INA
Was there anything to prevent your speaking of that before?
LULU
Ina, that hat’s ever so much prettier than the old one.
INA
I never saw anything the matter with the old one.
DWIGHT
She’ll be all right when we get started--out among the bright lights.
Adventure--adventure is what the woman wants. I’m too tame for her.
INA
Idiot.
[_Back at window, BOBBY LARKIN appears. DI slips across to him._]
MRS. BETT
I s’pose you all think I like being left sitting here stark alone?
NINIAN
Why, Mrs. Bett----
INA
Why, mama----
LULU
Oh, mother, I’ll stay with you.
DWIGHT
Oh, look here, if she really minds staying alone I’ll stay with her.
MRS. BETT
Where you going anyway?
LULU
The theater, mama.
MRS. BETT
First I’ve heard of it.
[_MONONA is heard chanting._]
INA
You’ll have Monona with you, mama.
[_MRS. BETT utters one note of laughter, thin and high_.]
[_Enter MONONA._]
MONONA
Where you going?
INA
The city, dear.
[_MONONA cries._]
Now quiet, pettie, quiet----
MONONA
You’ve all got to bring me something. And I’m going to sit up and eat
it, too.
MRS. BETT
Come here, you poor, neglected child.
[_Throughout the following scene MRS. BETT is absorbed with MONONA,
and DI with BOBBY._]
DWIGHT
What’s Lulu the charmer so still for, eh?
LULU
I was thinking how nice it is to be going off with you all like this.
DWIGHT
Such a moment advertises to the single the joys of family life as Ina
and I live it.
INA
It’s curious that you’ve never married, Ninian.
NINIAN
Don’t say it like that. Maybe I have. Or maybe I will.
DWIGHT
She wants everybody to marry but she wishes she hadn’t.
INA
Do you _have_ to be so foolish?
DWIGHT
Hi--better get started before she makes a scene. It’s too early yet,
though. Well--Lulu, you dance on the table.
INA
Why, Dwight?
DWIGHT
Got to amuse ourselves somehow. They’ll begin to read the funeral
service over us.
NINIAN
Why not the wedding service?
DWIGHT
Ha, ha, ha!
NINIAN
I shouldn’t object. Should you, Miss Lulu?
LULU
I--I don’t know it so I can’t say it.
NINIAN
I can say it.
DWIGHT
Where’d you learn it?
NINIAN
Goes like this: I, Ninian, take thee, Lulu, to be my wedded wife.
DWIGHT
Lulu don’t dare say that.
NINIAN
Show him, Miss Lulu.
DWIGHT
I, Lulu, take thee, Ninian, to be my wedded husband.
NINIAN
You will?
LULU
I will. There--I guess I can join in like the rest of you.
NINIAN
And I will. There, by Jove! have we entertained the company, or haven’t
we?
INA
Oh, honestly--I don’t think you ought to--holy things so--what’s the
matter, Dwightie?
DWIGHT
Say, by George, you know, a civil wedding is binding in this state.
NINIAN
A civil wedding--oh, well----
DWIGHT
But I happen to be a magistrate.
INA
Why, Dwightie--why, Dwightie....
CORNISH
Mr. Deacon, this can’t be possible.
DWIGHT
I tell you, what these two have said is all that they have to say
according to law. And there don’t have to be witnesses--say!
LULU
Don’t ... don’t ... don’t let Dwight scare you.
NINIAN
Scare me! why, I think it’s a good job done if you ask me.
[_Their eyes meet in silence._]
INA
Mercy, sister!
DWIGHT
Oh, well--I should say we can have it set aside up in the city and no
one will be the wiser.
NINIAN
Set aside nothing. I’d like to see it stand.
INA
Ninian, are you serious?
NINIAN
Of course I’m serious.
INA
Lulu. You hear him? What are you going to say to that?
LULU
He isn’t in earnest.
NINIAN
I am in earnest--hope to die.
LULU
Oh, no, no!
NINIAN
You come with me. We’ll have it done over again somewhere if you say so.
LULU
Why--why--that couldn’t be....
NINIAN
Why couldn’t it be--why couldn’t it?
LULU
How could you want me?
NINIAN
Didn’t I tell you I liked you from the first minute I saw you?
LULU
Yes. Yes, you did. But--no, no. I couldn’t let you----
NINIAN
Never mind that. Would _you_ be willing to go with me? Would you?
LULU
But you--you said you wanted--oh, maybe you’re just doing this
because----
NINIAN
Lulu. Never mind any of that. Would _you_ be willing to go with me?
LULU
Oh, if I thought----
NINIAN
Good girl----
INA
Why, Lulu. Why, Dwight. It can’t be legal.
DWIGHT
Why? Because it’s your sister? I’ve married dozens of couples this way.
Dozens.
NINIAN
Good enough--eh, Lulu?
LULU
It’s--it’s all right, I guess.
DWIGHT
Well, I’ll be dished.
CORNISH
Well, by Jerusalem....
INA
Sister!
NINIAN
I was going to make a trip south this month on my way home from here.
Suppose we make sure of this thing and start right off. You’d like
that, wouldn’t you? Going to Savannah?
LULU
Yes, I’d like that.
NINIAN
Then that’s checked off.
DWIGHT
I suppose we call off our trip to the city to-night then.
NINIAN
Call off nothing. Come along. Give us a send-off. You can shoot our
trunks after us, can’t you? All right, Miss Lulu--er--er, Mrs. Lulu?
LULU
If you won’t be ashamed of me.
NINIAN
I can buy you some things in the city to-morrow.
LULU
Oh....
INA
Oh, mama, mama! Did you hear? Di! Aunt Lulu’s married.
DI
Married? Aunt Lulu?
INA
Just now. Right here. By papa.
DI
Oh, to Mr. Cornish?
CORNISH
No, Miss Di. Don’t you worry.
INA
To Ninian, mama. They’ve just been married--Lulu and Ninian.
MRS. BETT
Who’s going to do your work?
LULU
Oh, mother dearest--I don’t know who will. I ought not to have done
this. Well, of course, I didn’t do it----
MRS. BETT
I knew well enough you were all keeping something from me.
INA
But, mama! It was so sudden----
LULU
I never planned to do it, mother--not like this----
MRS. BETT
Well, Inie, I should think Lulie might have had a little more
consideration to her than this.
[_At the window, behind the curtain, DI has just kissed BOBBY
good-by._]
LULU
Mother dearest, tell me it’s all right.
MRS. BETT
This is what comes of going to the theater.
LULU
Mother----
DWIGHT
Come on, everybody, if we’re going to make that train.
NINIAN
Yes. Let’s get out of this.
CORNISH
Come, Miss Di.
INA
Oh, I’m so _flustrated_!
DWIGHT
Come, come, come all! On to the festive city!
MONONA
[_Dancing stiffly up and down._]
I was to a wedding! I was to a wedding!
NINIAN
Good-by, Mama Bett!
LULU
Mother, mother! Don’t forget the two pies!
CURTAIN
------------------------------------------------------------------------
ACT II
SCENE I
SIDE PORCH, _wicker furnished. At the back are two windows, attractively
curtained and revealing shaded lamps; between the windows a door, of
good lines, set in white clapboards. The porch is raised but a step
or two. Low greenery, and a path leading off sharply left. It is
evening, a month after LULU’S marriage._
[_Discover INA, DWIGHT, MRS. BETT and MONONA._]
INA
Dwight dear, the screen has never been put on that back window.
DWIGHT
Now, why can’t my puss remind me of that in the morning instead of the
only time I have to take my ease with my family.
INA
But, Dwight, in the mornings you are so busy----
DWIGHT
What an argumentative puss you are. By Jove! look at that rambler
rosebush. It’s got to be sprayed.
INA
You’ve said that every night for a week, Dwight....
DWIGHT
Don’t exaggerate like that, Ina. It’s bad for Monona.
INA
Dwight, look, quick. There go our new neighbors. They have a
limousine--Perhaps I have been a little slow about calling. Look at
them, Dwight!
DWIGHT
My dear Ina, I see them. Do you want me to pat them on the back?
INA
Well, I think you might be interested.
[_MONONA chants softly._]
Dwight, I wonder if Monona really has a musical gift.
DWIGHT
She’s a most unusual child. Do you know it?
[_Enter DI, from house._]
INA
Oh, they both are. Where are _you_ going, I’d like to know?
DI
Mama, I have to go down to the liberry.
INA
It seems to me you have to go to the library every evening. Dwight, do
you think she ought to go?
DWIGHT
Diana, is it necessary that you go?
DI
Well, everybody else goes, and----
INA
I will not have you downtown in the evenings.
DI
But you let me go last night.
INA
All the better reason why you should _not_ go to-night.
MONONA
Mama, let me go with her.
INA
Very well, Di, you may go and take your sister.
MONONA
Goody, goody! last time you wouldn’t let me go.
INA
That’s why mama’s going to let you go to-night.
DWIGHT
I thought you said the child must go to bed half an hour earlier because
she wouldn’t eat her egg.
INA
Yes, that’s so, I did. Monona, you can’t go.
MONONA
But I didn’t want my egg--honest I didn’t.
INA
Makes no difference. You must eat or you’ll get sick. Mama’s going to
teach you to eat. Go on, Di, to the library if it’s necessary.
DWIGHT
I suppose Bobby Larkin has to go to the library to-night, eh?
INA
Dwight, I wouldn’t joke her about him. Scold her about him, the way you
did this morning.
DI
But papa was cross about something else this morning. And to-night he
isn’t. Good-by, Dwight and Ina!
[_Exit DI._]
MONONA
I hate the whole family.
MRS. BETT
Well, I should think she would.
INA
Why, mama! Why, Pettie Deacon!
[_MONONA weeps silently._]
DWIGHT
[_To INA._]
Say no more, my dear. It’s best to overlook. Show a sweet spirit....
MRS. BETT
About as much like a father and mother as a cat and dog.
DWIGHT
We’ve got to learn----
MRS. BETT
Performin’ like a pair of weathercocks.
[_Both talking at once._]
DWIGHT
Mother Bett! Are you talking, or am I?
MRS. BETT
I am. But you don’t seem to know it.
DWIGHT
Let us talk, pussy, and she’ll simmer down. Ah--nothing new from the
bride and groom?
INA
No, Dwight. And it’s been a week since Lulu wrote. She said he’d bought
her a new red dress--and a hat. Isn’t it too funny--to think of
Lulu----
DWIGHT
I don’t understand why they plan to go straight to Oregon without coming
here first.
INA
It isn’t a bit fair to mama, going off that way. Leaving her own
mother--why, she may never see mama again.
MRS. BETT
Oh I’m going to last on quite a while yet.
DWIGHT
Of course you are, Mama Bett. You’re my best girl. That reminds me, Ina,
we must run up to visit Aunt Mollie. We ought to run up there next
week. She isn’t well.
INA
Let’s do that. Dear me, I wish Lulu was here to leave in charge. I
certainly do miss Lulu--lots of ways.
MRS. BETT
’Specially when it comes mealtime.
INA
Is that somebody coming here?
DWIGHT
Looks like it--yes, so it is. Some caller, as usual.
[_Enter LULU._]
Well, if it isn’t Miss Lulu Bett.
INA
Why, sister!
MRS. BETT
Lulie. Lulie. Lulie.
LULU
How did you know?
INA
Know what?
LULU
That it isn’t Lulu Deacon.
DWIGHT
What’s this?
INA
Isn’t Lulu Deacon. What are you talking?
LULU
Didn’t he write to you?
DWIGHT
Not a word. All we’ve had we had from you--the last from Savannah,
Georgia.
LULU
Savannah, Georgia....
DWIGHT
Well, but he’s here with you, isn’t he?
INA
Where is he? Isn’t he here?
LULU
Must be most to Oregon by this time.
DWIGHT
Oregon?
LULU
You see, he had another wife.
INA
Another wife!
DWIGHT
Why, he had not.
LULU
Yes, another wife. He hasn’t seen her for fifteen years and he thinks
she’s dead. But he isn’t sure.
DWIGHT
Nonsense. Why of course she’s dead if he thinks so.
LULU
I had to be sure.
INA
Monona! Go upstairs to bed at once.
MONONA
It’s only quarter of.
INA
Do as mama tells you.
MONONA
But----
INA
Monona!
[_She goes, kissing them all good-night and taking her time about
it. Everything is suspended while she kisses them and departs,
walking slowly backward._]
MRS. BETT
Married? Lulie, was your husband married?
LULU
Yes, my husband was married, mother.
INA
Mercy, think of anything like that in our family.
DWIGHT
Well, go on--go on. Tell us about it.
LULU
We were going to Oregon. First down to New Orleans and then out to
California and up the coast.... Well, then at Savannah, Georgia, he
said he thought I better know first. So then he told me.
DWIGHT
Yes--well, what did he say?
LULU
Cora Waters. Cora Waters. She married him down in San Diego eighteen
years ago. She went to South America with him.
DWIGHT
Well, he never let us know of it, if she did.
LULU
No. She married him just before he went. Then in South America, after
two years, she ran away. That’s all he knows.
DWIGHT
That’s a pretty story.
LULU
He says if she was alive she’d be after him for a divorce. And she never
has been so he thinks she must be dead. The trouble is he wasn’t
sure. And I had to be sure.
INA
Well, but mercy! Couldn’t he find out now?
LULU
It might take a long time and I didn’t want to stay and not know.
INA
Well then why didn’t he say so here?
LULU
He would have. But you know how sudden everything was. He said he
thought about telling us right here that afternoon when--when it
happened but of course that’d been hard, wouldn’t it? And then he
felt so sure she was dead.
INA
Why did he tell you at all then?
DWIGHT
Yes. Why indeed?
LULU
I thought that just at first but only just at first. Of course that
wouldn’t have been right. And then you see he gave me my choice.
DWIGHT
Gave you your choice?
LULU
Yes. About going on and taking the chances. He gave me my choice when he
told me, there in Savannah, Georgia.
DWIGHT
What made him conclude by then that you ought to be told?
LULU
Why, he’d got to thinking about it.
[_A silence._]
The only thing as long as it happened I kind of wish he hadn’t told me
till we got to Oregon.
INA
Lulu! Oh, you poor poor thing....
[_MRS. BETT suddenly joins INA in tears, rocking her body._]
LULU
Don’t, mother. Oh, Ina, don’t.... He felt bad too.
DWIGHT
He! He must have.
INA
It’s you. It’s you. _My_ sister!
LULU
I never thought of it making you both feel bad. I knew it would make
Dwight feel bad. I mean, it was his brother----
INA
Thank goodness! nobody need know about it.
LULU
Oh, yes. People will have to know.
DWIGHT
I do not see the necessity.
LULU
Why, what would they think?
DWIGHT
What difference does it make what they think?
LULU
Why, I shouldn’t like--you see they might--why, Dwight, I think we’ll
have to tell them.
DWIGHT
You do. You think the disgrace of bigamy in this family is something the
whole town will have to know about.
LULU
Say. I never thought about it being that.
DWIGHT
What did you think it was? And whose disgrace is it, pray?
LULU
Mine. And Ninian’s.
DWIGHT
Ninian’s. Well, he’s gone. But you’re here. And I’m here--and my family.
Folks’ll feel sorry for you. But the disgrace, that would reflect on
me.
LULU
But if we don’t tell what’ll they think?
DWIGHT
They’ll think what they always think when a wife leaves her husband.
They’ll think you couldn’t get along. That’s all.
LULU
I should hate that. I wouldn’t want them to think I hadn’t been a good
wife to Ninian.
DWIGHT
Wife? You never were his wife. That’s just the point.
LULU
Oh!
DWIGHT
Don’t you realize the position he’s in?... See here--do you intend--Are
you going to sue Ninian?
LULU
Oh! no! no! no!
INA
Why, Lulu, any one would think you loved him.
LULU
I do love him. And he loved me. Don’t you think I know? He loved me.
INA
Lulu.
LULU
I love him--I do, and I’m not ashamed to tell you.
MRS. BETT
Lulie, Lulie, was his other wife--was she _there_?
LULU
No, no, mother. She wasn’t there.
MRS. BETT
Then it ain’t so bad. I was afraid maybe she turned you out.
LULU
No, no. It wasn’t that bad, mother.
DWIGHT
In fact I simply will not have it, Lulu. You expect, I take it, to make
your home with us in the future on the old terms.
LULU
Well----
DWIGHT
I mean did Ninian give you any money?
LULU
No. He didn’t give me any money--only enough to get home on. And I kept
my suit and the other dress--why! I wouldn’t have taken any money.
DWIGHT
That means that you will have to continue to live here on the old terms
and of course I’m quite willing that you should. Let me tell you,
however, that this is on condition--on condition that this
disgraceful business is kept to ourselves.
INA
Truly, Lulu, wouldn’t that be best? They’ll talk anyway. But this way
they’ll only talk about you and the other way it’ll be about all of
us.
LULU
But the other way would be the truth.
DWIGHT
My dear Lulu, are you sure of that?
LULU
Sure?
DWIGHT
Yes. Did he give you any proofs?
LULU
Proofs?
DWIGHT
Letters--documents of any sort? Any sort of assurance that he was
speaking the truth?
LULU
Why--no. Proofs--no. He told me.
DWIGHT
He told you!
LULU
That was hard enough to have to do. It was terrible for him to have to
do. What proofs----
DWIGHT
I may as well tell you that I myself have no idea that Ninian told you
the truth. He was always imagining things, inventing things--you
must have seen that. I know him pretty well--have been in touch with
him more or less the whole time. In short I haven’t the least idea
he was ever married before.
LULU
I never thought of that.
DWIGHT
Look here--hadn’t you and he had some little tiff when he told you?
LULU
No--no! Not once. He was very good to me. This dress--and my shoes--and
my hat. And another dress, too.
[_She takes off her hat._]
He liked the red wing--I wanted black--oh, Dwight! He did tell me the
truth!
DWIGHT
As long as there’s any doubt about it--and I feel the gravest doubts--I
desire that you should keep silent and protect my family from this
scandal. I have taken you into my confidence about these doubts for
your own profit.
LULU
My own profit!
[_Moves toward the door._]
INA
Lulu--you see! We just couldn’t have this known about Dwight’s own
brother, could we now?
DWIGHT
You have it in your own hands to repay me, Lulu, for anything that you
feel I may have done for you in the past. You also have it in your
hands to decide whether your home here continues. This is not a
pleasant position for me to find myself in. In fact it is distinctly
unpleasant I may say. But you see for yourself.
[_LULU goes into the house._]
MRS. BETT
Wasn’t she married when she thought she was?
INA
Mama, do please remember Monona. Yes--Dwight thinks now she’s married
all right and that it was all right, all the time.
MRS. BETT
Well, I hope so, for pity sakes.
MONONA’S VOICE
[_From upstairs._]
Mama! Come on and hear me say my prayers, why don’t you?
DARKNESS
------------------------------------------------------------------------
SCENE II
_INA seated. MONONA jumping on and off the porch, chanting_.
[_Enter DWIGHT._]
DWIGHT
Ah, this is great ... no place like home after all, is there?
INA
Now, Monona, sit down and be quiet. You’ve played enough for one day.
[_Enter MRS. BETT._]
MONONA
How do you know I have?
DWIGHT
Ah, Mama Bett. Coming out to enjoy the evening air?
MRS. BETT
No, I thank you.
DWIGHT
Well, well, well, let’s see what’s new in the great press of our
country....
[_They are now seated in the approximate positions assumed at the
opening of SCENE I._]
INA
Dwight dear, nothing has been done about that screen for the back
window.
DWIGHT
Now why couldn’t my puss have reminded me of that this morning instead
of waiting for the only time I have to take my ease with my family.
INA
But Dwightie, in the mornings you’re so busy----
DWIGHT
You are argumentative, pussy--you certainly are. And you ought to curb
it. For that matter I haven’t sprayed that rambler rosebush.
INA
Every single night for a month you’ve spoken of spraying that rosebush.
DWIGHT
Ina, will you cease your exaggerations on Monona’s account if not on
mine. Exaggeration, my pet, is one of the worst of female faults.
Exaggeration----
INA
Look, Dwight! our new neighbors have got a dog. Great big brute of a
thing. He’s going to tear up every towel I spread on our grass....
[_Enter DI, from the house._]
Now, Di, where are you going?
DI
Mama, I have to go down to the liberry.
INA
Now, Di----
DI
You let me go last night.
MONONA
Mama, I can go, can’t I? Because you wouldn’t let me go last night.
INA
No, Monona, you may _not_ go.
MONONA
Oh, why not?
INA
Because mama says so. Isn’t that enough?
MRS. BETT
Anybody’d think you was the king--layin’ down the law an’ layin’ down
the law an’ layin’ down----Where’s Lulie?
DI
Mama, isn’t Uncle Ninian coming back?
INA
Hush.... No. Now don’t ask mama any more questions.
DI
But supposing people ask me. What’ll I say?
INA
Don’t say anything at all about Aunt Lulu.
DI
But, mama, what has she done?
INA
Di! Don’t you think mama knows best?
DI
[_Softly._]
No, I don’t.... Well anyway Aunt Lulu’s got on a perfectly beautiful
dress to-night....
INA
And you know, Dwight, Lulu’s clothes give me the funniest feeling. As if
Lulu was wearing things bought for her by some one that wasn’t--that
was----
DWIGHT
By her husband who has left her.
DI
Is that what it is, papa?
DWIGHT
That’s what it is, my little girl.
DI
Well, I think it’s a shame. And I think Uncle Ninian is a slunge.
INA
Di Deacon!
DI
I do! And I’d be ashamed to think anything else. I’d like to tell
everybody.
DWIGHT
There’s no need for secrecy now.
INA
Dwight, really--do you think we ought----
DWIGHT
No need whatever for secrecy. The truth is Lulu’s husband has tired of
her and sent her home. We may as well face it.
INA
But Dwight--how awful for Lulu....
DWIGHT
Lulu has us to stand by her.
[_Enter LULU._]
LULU
That sounds good. That I have you to stand by me.
DWIGHT
My dear Lulu, the family bond is the strongest bond in the world.
Family. Tribe. The--er--pack. Standing up for the family honor, the
family reputation is the highest nobility.
[_Exit DI by degrees. Left._]
I tell you of all history the most beautiful product is the family tie.
Of it are born family consideration----
INA
Why, you don’t look like yourself ... is it your hair, Lulu? You look so
strange....
LULU
Don’t you like it? Ninian liked it.
DWIGHT
In that case I think you’d show more modesty if you arranged your hair
in the old way.
LULU
Yes, you would think so. Dwight, I want you to give me Ninian’s Oregon
address.
DWIGHT
You want what?
LULU
Ninian’s Oregon address. It’s a funny thing but I haven’t it.
DWIGHT
It would seem that you have no particular need for that particular
address.
LULU
Yes I have. I want it. You have it haven’t you, Dwight?
DWIGHT
Certainly I have it.
LULU
Won’t you please write it down for me?
[_She offers him tablet._]
DWIGHT
My dear Lulu, now why revive anything? No good can come by----
LULU
But why shouldn’t I have his address?
DWIGHT
If everything is over between you why should you?
LULU
But you say he’s still my husband.
DWIGHT
If my brother has shown his inclination as plainly as I judge that he
has it is certainly not my place to put you in touch with him again.
LULU
I don’t know whose place it is. But I’ve got to know more--I’ve got to
know more, Dwight. This afternoon I went to the post office to ask
for his address--it seemed so strange to be doing that, after all
that’s been--They didn’t know his address--I could see how they
wondered at my asking. And I knew how the others wondered--Mis’
Martin, Mis’ Curtis, Mis’ Grove. “Where you hiding that handsome
husband of yours?” they said. All I could say was that he isn’t
here. Dwight! I won’t live like that. I want to know the truth. You
give me Ninian’s address.
DWIGHT
My dear Lulu! My _dear_ Lulu! You are not the one to write to him. Have
you no delicacy?
LULU
So much delicacy that I want to be sure whether I’m married or not.
DWIGHT
Then I myself will take this up with my brother. I will write to him
about it.
LULU
Here’s everything--if you’re going to write him, do it now.
DWIGHT
My dear Lulu! don’t be absurd.
LULU
Ina! Help me! If this was Dwight--and they didn’t know whether he had
another wife or not and you wanted to ask him and you didn’t know
where he was--oh, don’t you see? Help me.
INA
Well of course. I see it all, Lulu. And yet--why not let Dwight do it in
his own way? Wouldn’t that be better?
LULU
Mother!
MRS. BETT
Lulie. Set down. Set down, why don’t you?
LULU
Dwight, you write that letter to Ninian. And you make him tell you so
that you’ll understand. I know he spoke the truth. But I want you to
know.
DWIGHT
M--m. And then I suppose as soon as you have the proofs you’re going to
tell it all over town.
LULU
I’m going to tell it all over town just as it is--unless you write to
him.
INA
Lulu! Oh, you wouldn’t!
LULU
I would. I will.
DWIGHT
And get turned out of the house as you would be?
INA
Dwight. Oh, you wouldn’t!
DWIGHT
I would. I will. Lulu knows it.
LULU
I shall tell what I know and then leave your house anyway unless you get
Ninian’s word. And you’re going to write to him now.
DWIGHT
You would leave your mother? And leave Ina?
LULU
Leave everything.
INA
Oh, Dwight! We can’t get along without Lulu.
DWIGHT
Isn’t this like a couple of women?... Rather than let you in for a show
of temper, Lulu, I’d do anything.
[_Writes._]
MONONA
[_Behind INA._]
Mama, can I write Uncle Ninian a little letter, too?
INA
For pity sakes, aren’t you in bed yet?
MONONA
It’s only quarter of.
INA
Well you may go to bed _now_ because you have sat there listening. How
often must mama tell you not to listen to grown people.
MONONA
Do they always say something bad?
INA
Monona, you are to go up to bed at once.
[_She makes her leisurely rounds for kisses._]
MONONA
Papa, it’s your turn to hear me say my prayers to-night.
DWIGHT
Very well, pettie. When you’re ready call me.
[_Exit MONONA._]
There, Lulu. The deed is done. Now I hope you’re satisfied.
[_Places the letter in his pocket._]
LULU
I want you to give me the letter to mail, please.
DWIGHT
Why this haste, sister mine? I’ll mail it in the morning.
LULU
I’ll mail it now. Now.
DWIGHT
I may take a little stroll before bedtime--I’ll mail it then. There’s
nothing like a brisk walk to induce sound restful sleep.
LULU
I’ll mail the letter now.
DWIGHT
I suppose I’ll have to humor your sister, Ina. Purely on your account
you understand.
[_Hands the letter._]
INA
Oh, Dwight, how good you are!
LULU
There’s--there’s one thing more I want to speak about. If--if you and
Ina go to your Aunt Mollie’s then Ninian’s letter might come while
you’re away.
DWIGHT
Conceivably. Letters do come while a man’s away.
LULU
Yes. And I thought if you wouldn’t mind if I opened it----
DWIGHT
Opened it? Opened _my_ letter?
LULU
Yes, you see it’ll be about me mostly. You wouldn’t mind if I did open
it?
DWIGHT
But you say you know what will be in it, _Miss_ Bett?
LULU
I did know till you--I’ve got to see that letter, Dwight.
DWIGHT
And so you shall. But not until I show it to you. My dear Lulu, you know
how I hate having my mail interfered with. You shall see the letter
all in good time when Ina and I return.
LULU
You wouldn’t want to let me--just see what he says?
DWIGHT
I prefer always to open my own letters.
LULU
Very well, Dwight.
[_She moves away. Right._]
INA
And Lulu, I meant to ask you: Don’t you think it might be better if
you--if you kept out of sight for a few days?
LULU
Why?
INA
Why set people wondering till we have to?
LULU
They don’t have to wonder as far as I’m concerned.
[_Exit._]
MRS. BETT
I’m going through the kitchen to set with Grandma Gates. She always says
my visits are like a dose of medicine.
[_Exit MRS. BETT._]
INA
It certainly has changed Lulu--a man coming into her life. She never
spoke to me like that before.
DWIGHT
I saw she wasn’t herself. I’d do anything to avoid having a scene--you
know that.... You do know that, don’t you?
INA
But I really think you ought to have written to Ninian. It’s--it’s not a
nice position for Lulu.
DWIGHT
Nice! But whom has she got to blame for it?
INA
Why, Ninian.
DWIGHT
Herself! To tell you the truth, I was perfectly amazed at the way she
snapped him up here that afternoon.
INA
Why but Dwight----
DWIGHT
Brazen. Oh, it was brazen.
INA
It was just fun in the first place.
DWIGHT
But no really nice woman----
INA
Dwightie--what did you say in the letter?
DWIGHT
What did I say? I said, I said: “DEAR BROTHER, I take it that the first
wife story was devised to relieve you of a distasteful situation.
Kindly confirm. Family well as usual. Business fair.” Covers it,
don’t it?
INA
Oh, Dwightie--how complete that is.
DWIGHT
I’m pretty good at writing brief concise letters--that say the whole
thing, eh?
INA
I’ve often noticed that....
DWIGHT
My precious pussy.... Oh, how unlike Lulu you are!
[_Right. DI and BOBBY appear, walking very slowly and very near._]
[_DWIGHT rises, holds out his arms._]
INA
Poor dear foolish Lulu! oh, Dwight--what if it was Di in Lulu’s place?
DWIGHT
Such a thing couldn’t happen to Di. Di was born with ladylike feelings.
[_They enter the house. INA extinguishes a lamp. DWIGHT turns down
the hall gas. Pause. DI and BOBBY come to the veranda._]
DI
Bobby dear! You don’t kiss me as if you really wanted to kiss me
to-night....
DARKNESS
------------------------------------------------------------------------
SCENE III
THE SAME. _Evening, a week later. Stage flooded with moonlight, house
lighted. At the piano, just inside the window, LULU and CORNISH are
finishing a song together, LULU accompanying._
How sweet the happy evening’s close,
’Tis the hour of sweet repose--
Good-night.
The summer wind has sunk to rest,
The moon serenely bright
Unfolds her calm and gentle ray,
Softly now she seems to say,
Good-night.
[_As they sing, DI slips into the house, unseen._]
CORNISH
Why, Miss Lulu, you’re quite a musician.
LULU
Oh, no. I’ve never played in front of anybody----
[_They come to the porch._]
I don’t know what Ina and Dwight would say if they heard me.
CORNISH
What a pretty dress that is, Miss Lulu!
LULU
I made this from one of Ina’s old ones since she’s been gone. I don’t
know what Ina and Dwight are going to say about this dress, made
like this, when they get home.
CORNISH
When are they coming back?
LULU
Any time now. They’ve been gone most a week. Do you know I never had but
one compliment before that wasn’t for my cooking.
CORNISH
You haven’t!
LULU
He told me I done up my hair nice. That was after I took notice how the
ladies in Savannah, Georgia, done up theirs.
CORNISH
I guess you can do most anything you set your hand to, Miss Lulu: Look
after Miss Di and sing and play and cook----
LULU
Yes, cook. But I can’t earn anything. I’d like to earn something.
CORNISH
You would! Why, you have it fine here, I thought.
LULU
Oh, fine, yes. Dwight gives me what I have. And I do their work.
CORNISH
I see. I never thought of that....
[_Pause._]
LULU
You’re wondering why I didn’t stay with _him_!
CORNISH
Oh, no.
LULU
Yes you are! The whole town’s wondering. They’re all talking about me.
CORNISH
Well, Miss Lulu, you know it don’t make any difference to your friends
what people say.
LULU
But they don’t know the truth. You see, he had another wife.
CORNISH
Lord sakes!
LULU
Dwight thinks it isn’t true. He thinks--he didn’t have another wife....
You see, Dwight thinks he didn’t want me.
CORNISH
But--your husband--I mean, why doesn’t he write to Mr. Deacon and tell
him the truth----
LULU
He has written. The letter’s in there on the piano.
CORNISH
What’d he say?
LULU
Dwight doesn’t like me to touch his mail. I’ll have to wait till he
comes back.
CORNISH
Lord sakes! ... You--you--you’re too nice a girl to get a deal like
this. Darned if you aren’t.
LULU
Oh, no.
CORNISH
Yes you are, too! And there ain’t a thing I can do.
LULU
It’s a good deal to have somebody to talk to....
CORNISH
Sure it is.
LULU
... Cora Waters. Cora Waters, of San Diego, California. And she never
heard of me.
CORNISH
No. She never did, did she? Ain’t life the darn----
[_Enter MRS. BETT._]
MRS. BETT
I got Monona into bed. And it’s no fool of a job neither.
LULU
Did you, mother? Come and sit down.
MRS. BETT
Yes. She went to bed with a full set of doll dishes.... Ain’t it nice
with the folks all gone? ... I don’t hear any more playin’ and
singin’. It sounded real good.
LULU
We sung all I knew how to play, mama.
MRS. BETT
I use’ to play on the melodeon.
CORNISH
Well, well, well.
MRS. BETT
That was when I was first married. We had a little log house in a
clearing in York State. I was seventeen--and he was nineteen. While
he was chopping I use’ to sit on a log with my sewing. Jenny was
born in that house. I was alone at the time. I was alone with her
when she died, too. She was sixteen--little bits of hands she
had----
[_Yawns. Rises, wanders toward door._]
Can’t we have some more playin’ and singin’?
LULU
After a little while, mama--dear.
MRS. BETT
It went kind of nice--that last tune you sung.
[_Hums the air. Enters house._]
CORNISH
I must be going along too, Miss Lulu.
LULU
I can’t think why Di doesn’t come. She ought not to be out like this
without telling me----
[_MRS. BETT appears beside the piano, lifts and examines the letters
lying there._]
CORNISH
Well, don’t you mind on my account. I’ve enjoyed every minute I’ve been
here.
LULU
Mother! Those are Dwight’s letters--don’t you touch them.
MRS. BETT
I ain’t hurting them or him neither.
[_Disappears, the letters in her hand._]
CORNISH
Good-night, Miss Lulu. If there was anything I could do at any time
you’d let me know, wouldn’t you?
LULU
Oh, thank you.
CORNISH
I’ve had an awful nice time, singing, and listening to you talk--well of
course--I mean the supper was just fine! And so was the music.
LULU
Oh, no.
[_MRS. BETT appears at the door with a letter._]
MRS. BETT
Lulie. I guess you didn’t notice. This one’s from Ninian.
LULU
Mother----
MRS. BETT
I opened it--why of course I did. It’s from Ninian.
[_Holds out unfolded letter and an old newspaper clipping._]
The paper’s awful old--years back, looks like. See. Says “Corie Waters,
music hall singer--married last night to Ninian Deacon”--Say, Lulie,
that must be her.
LULU
Yes, that’s her. That’s her--Cora Waters.... Oh, then he _was_ married
to her just like he said!
CORNISH
Oh, Miss Lulu! I’m so sorry!
LULU
No, no. Because he wanted me! He didn’t say that just to get rid of me!
CORNISH
Oh, that way.... I see....
LULU
I’m so thankful it wasn’t that.
MRS. BETT
Then everything’s all right onct more. Ain’t that nice!
LULU
I’m so thankful it wasn’t that.
CORNISH
Yes, I can understand that. Well, I--I guess I ought to be going now,
Miss Lulu.... Why, it _is_ Miss Lulu Bett, isn’t it?
LULU
[_Abstractedly, with the paper._]
Yes--yes--good-night, Mr. Cornish. Good-night.
CORNISH
Good-night, Miss Lulu.... I wonder if you would let me tell you
something.
LULU
Why----
CORNISH
I guess I don’t amount to much. I’ll never be a lawyer. I’m no good at
business and everything I say sounds wrong to me. And yet I do
believe I do know enough not to bully a woman--not to make her
unhappy, maybe even--I could make her a little happy. Miss Lulu, I
hate to see you looking and talking so sad. Do you think we could
possibly arrange----
LULU
Oh!
CORNISH
I guess maybe you’ve heard something about a little something I’m
supposed to inherit. Well, I got it. Of course, it’s only five
hundred dollars. We could get that little Warden house and furnish
up the parlor with pianos--that is, if you could ever think of
marrying me.
LULU
Don’t say that--don’t say that!
MRS. BETT
Better take him, Lulie. A girl ought to take any young man that will
propose in front of her mother!
CORNISH
Of course if you loved him very much then I’d ought not to be talking
this way to you.
LULU
You see Ninian was the first person who was ever kind to me. Nobody ever
wanted me, nobody ever even thought of me. Then he came. It might
have been somebody else. It might have been you. But it happened to
be Ninian and I do love him.
CORNISH
I see. I guess you’ll forgive me for what I said.
LULU
Of course.
CORNISH
Miss Lulu, if that five hundred could be of any use to you, I wish you’d
take it.
LULU
Oh, thank you, thank you, I couldn’t.
CORNISH
Well, I guess I’ll be stepping along. If you should want me, I’m always
there. I guess you know that.
[_Exit._]
MRS. BETT
Better burn that up. I wouldn’t have it round.
LULU
But mother! Mother dear, try to understand. This means that Ninian told
the truth. He wasn’t just trying to get rid of me.
MRS. BETT
Did he want you to stay with him?
LULU
I don’t know. But I think he did. Anyway, now I know the truth about
him.
MRS. BETT
Well, I wouldn’t want anybody else to know. Here, let me have it and
burn it up.
LULU
Mama, mama! Aren’t you glad for me that now I can prove Ninian wasn’t
just making up a story so I’d go away?
MRS. BETT
[_Clearly and beautifully._]
Oh, Lulu! My little girl! Is that what they said about you? Mother knows
it wasn’t like that. Mother knows he loved you.... How still it is
here! Where’s Inie?
LULU
They’ve gone away, you know....
MRS. BETT
Well, I guess I’ll step over to Grandma Gates’s a spell. See how her
rheumatism is. I’ll be back before long--I’ll be back....
[_Exit. For a moment LULU breaks down and sobs. Rises to lay
DWIGHT’S letter through the window on piano. Slight sound. She
listens. Enter DI from house. She is carrying a traveling bag._]
LULU
Di! Why Di! What does this mean? Where were you going? Why, mama won’t
like your carrying her nice new satchel....
DI
Aunt Lulu--the idea. What right have you to interfere with me like this?
LULU
Di, you must explain to me what this means.... Di, where can you be
going with a satchel this time of the night? Di Deacon, are you
running away with somebody?
DI
You have no right to ask me questions, Aunt Lulu.
LULU
Di, you’re going off with Bobby Larkin. Aren’t you? Aren’t you?
DI
If I am it’s entirely our own affair.
LULU
Why, Di. If you and Bobby want to be married why not let us get you up a
nice wedding here at home----
DI
Aunt Lulu, you’re a funny person to be telling _me_ what to do.
LULU
I love you just as much as if I was married happy, in a home.
DI
Well, you aren’t. And I’m going to do just as I think best. Bobby and I
are the ones most concerned in this, Aunt Lulu.
LULU
But--but getting married is for your whole life!
DI
Yours wasn’t.
LULU
Di, my dear little girl, you must wait at least till mama and papa get
home.
DI
That’s likely. They say I’m not to be married till I’m twenty-one.
LULU
Well, but how young that is.
DI
It is to you. It isn’t young to me, remember, Aunt Lulu.
LULU
But this is wrong--it is wrong!
DI
There’s nothing wrong about getting married if you stay married.
LULU
Well, then it can’t be wrong to let your mother and father know.
DI
It isn’t. But they’d treat me wrong. Mama’d cry and say I was disgracing
_her_. And papa--first he’d scold me and then he’d joke me about it.
He’d joke me about it every day for weeks, every morning at
breakfast, every night here on the porch--he’d joke me.
LULU
Why, Di! Do you feel that way, too?
DI
You don’t know what it is to be laughed at or paid no attention to,
everything you say.
LULU
Don’t I? Don’t I? Is that why you’re going?
DI
Well, it’s one reason.
LULU
But Di, do you love Bobby Larkin?
DI
Well.... I could love almost anybody real nice that was nice to me.
LULU
Di ... Di....
DI
It’s true.
[_BOBBY enters._]
You ought to know that.... You did it. Mama said so.
LULU
Don’t you think that I don’t know....
DI
Oh, Bobby, she’s trying to stop us! But she can’t do it--I’ve told her
so----
BOBBY
She don’t have to stop us. We’re stopped.
DI
What do you mean?
BOBBY
We’re minors.
DI
Well, gracious--you didn’t have to tell them that.
BOBBY
No. They knew _I_ was.
DI
But, silly. Why didn’t you tell them you’re not.
BOBBY
But I am.
DI
For pity sakes--don’t you know how to do anything?
BOBBY
What would you have me do, I’d like to know?
DI
Why tell them we’re both--whatever it is they want us to be. We look it.
We know we’re responsible--that’s all they care for. Well, you are a
funny....
BOBBY
You wanted me to lie?
DI
Oh! don’t make out you never told a fib.
BOBBY
Well, but this--why, Di--about a thing like this....
DI
I never heard of a lover flatting out like that!
BOBBY
Anyhow, there’s nothing to do now. The cat’s out. I’ve told our ages.
We’ve got to have our folks in on it.
DI
Is that all you can think of?
BOBBY
What else is there to think of?
DI
Why, let’s go to Bainbridge or Holt and tell them we’re of age and be
married there.
LULU
Di, wherever you go I’ll go with you. I won’t let you out of my sight.
DI
Bobby, why don’t you answer her?
BOBBY
But I’m not going to Bainbridge or Holt or any town and lie, to get you
or any other girl.
DI
You’re about as much like a man in a story as--as papa is.
[_Enter DWIGHT and INA._]
DWIGHT
What’s this? What’s this about papa?
INA
Well, what’s all this going on here?
LULU
Why, Ina!
DI
Oh, mama! I--I didn’t know you were coming so soon. Hello, dear! Hello,
papa! Here’s--here’s Bobby....
DWIGHT
What an unexpected pleasure, _Master_ Bobby.
BOBBY
Good-evening, Mrs. Deacon. Good-evening, Mr. Deacon.
DWIGHT
And Lulu. Is it Lulu? Is this lovely houri our Lulu? Is this Miss Lulu
Bett? Or is this Lulu something else by now? You can’t tell what
Lulu’ll do when you leave her alone at home. Ina--our festive ball
gown!
LULU
Ina, I made it out of that old muslin of yours, you know. I thought you
wouldn’t care----
INA
Oh, that! I was going to use it for Di but it doesn’t matter. You are
welcome to it, Lulu. Little youthful for anything but home wear,
isn’t it?
DWIGHT
It looks like a wedding gown. Why are you wearing a wedding gown--eh,
Lulu?
INA
Di Deacon, what have you got mama’s new bag for?
DI
I haven’t done anything to the bag, mama.
INA
Well, but what are you doing with it here?
DI
Oh, nothing! Did you--did you have a good time?
INA
Yes, we did--but I can’t see.... Dwight, look at Di with my new black
satchel.
DWIGHT
What is this, Diana?
DI
Well, I’m--I’m not going to use it for anything.
INA
I wish somebody would explain what is going on here. Lulu, can’t you
explain?
DWIGHT
Aha! Now, if Lulu is going to explain that’s something like it. When
Lulu begins to explain we get imagination going.
LULU
Di and I have a little secret. Can’t we have a little secret if we want
one?
DWIGHT
Upon my word, she has a beautiful secret. I don’t know about your
secrets, Lulu.
[_Enter MRS. BETT._]
MRS. BETT
Hello, Inie.
INA
Oh, mother dear....
DWIGHT
Well, Mother Bett....
MRS. BETT
That you, Dwight?
[_To BOBBY._]
... Don’t you help me. I guess I can help myself yet awhile.
[_Climbs the two steps._]
[_To DI._]
Made up your mind to come home, did you?
[_Seats herself._]
I got a joke. Grandma Gates says it’s all over town they wouldn’t give
Di and Bobby Larkin a license to get married.
[_Single note of laughter, thin and high._]
DWIGHT
What nonsense!
INA
Is it nonsense? Haven’t I been trying to find out where the new black
bag went? Di! Look at mama....
DI
Listen to that, Bobby. Listen!
INA
That won’t do, Di. You can’t deceive mama, and don’t you try.
BOBBY
Mrs. Deacon, I----
DWIGHT
Diana!
DI
Yes, papa.
DWIGHT
Answer your mother. Answer _me_. Is there anything in this absurd tale?
DI
No, papa.
DWIGHT
Nothing whatever?
DI
No, papa.
DWIGHT
Can you imagine how such a ridiculous story started?
DI
No, papa.
DWIGHT
Very well. Now we know where we are. If anybody hears this report
repeated, send them to _me_.
INA
Well, but that satchel----
DWIGHT
One moment. Lulu will of course verify what the child has said.
LULU
If you cannot settle this with Di, you cannot settle it with me.
DWIGHT
A shifty answer. You’re a bird at misrepresenting facts....
LULU
Oh!...
DWIGHT
Lulu, the bird!
LULU
Lulu, the dove to put up with you.
[_Exit._]
INA
Bobby wanted to say something....
BOBBY
No, Mrs. Deacon. I have nothing--more to say. I’ll--I’ll go now.
DWIGHT
Good-night, Robert.
[_INA and DWIGHT transfer bags and wraps to the house._]
BOBBY
Good-night, Mr. Deacon. Good-by, Di.
[_DI follows BOBBY. Right._]
DI
Bobby, come back, you hate a lie--but what else could I do?
BOBBY
What else could you do? I’d rather they never let us see each other
again than to lose you in the way I’ve lost you now.
DI
Bobby!
BOBBY
It’s true. We mustn’t talk about it.
DI
Bobby! I’ll go back and tell them all.
BOBBY
You can’t go back. Not out of a thing like that. Good-by, Di.
[_Exit._]
[_Enter DWIGHT and INA._]
DI
If you have any fear that I may elope with Bobby Larkin, let it rest. I
shall never marry him if he asks me fifty times a day.
INA
Really, darling?
DI
Really and truly, and he knows it, too.
DWIGHT
A-ha! The lovelorn maiden all forlorn makes up her mind not to be so
lorn as she thought she was. How does it seem not to be in love with
him, Di--eh?
DI
Papa, if you make fun of me any more I’ll--I’ll let the first train of
cars I can find run over me....
[_Sobs as she runs to house._]
MRS. BETT
Wait, darling! Tell grandma! Did Bobby have another wife too?
[_Exeunt MRS. BETT and DI._]
INA
Di, I’d be ashamed, when papa’s so good to you. Oh, my! what parents
have to put up with....
DWIGHT
Bear and forbear, pettie--bear and forbear.... By the way, Lulu, haven’t
I some mail somewhere about?
LULU
Yes, there’s a letter there. I’ll get it for you.
[_She reaches through the window._]
DWIGHT
A-ha! An epistle from my dear brother Ninian.
INA
Oh, from Ninian, Dwight?
DWIGHT
From Ninian--the husband of Miss Lulu Bett.... You opened the letter?...
Your sister has been opening my mail.
INA
But, Dwight, if it’s from Ninian----
DWIGHT
It is my mail.
INA
Well, what does he say?
DWIGHT
I shall read the letter in my own time. My present concern is this
disregard for my wishes. What excuse have you to offer?
LULU
None.
INA
Dwight, she knows what’s in it and we don’t. Hurry up.
DWIGHT
She is an ungrateful woman.
[_Opens the letter, with the clipping._]
INA
[_Over his shoulder._]
Ah!... Dwight, then he was....
DWIGHT
M--m--m--m. So after having been absent with my brother for a month you
find that you were not married to him.
LULU
You see, Dwight, he told the truth. He did have another wife. He didn’t
just leave me.
DWIGHT
But this seems to me to make you considerably worse off than if he had.
LULU
Oh, no! No! If he hadn’t--hadn’t liked me, he wouldn’t have told me
about her. You see that, don’t you?
DWIGHT
That your apology?... Look here, Lulu! This is a bad business. The less
you say about it the better for all our sakes. You see that, don’t
you?
LULU
See that? Why, no. I wanted you to write to him so I could tell the
truth. You said I mustn’t tell the truth till I had the proofs.
DWIGHT
Tell whom?
LULU
Tell everybody. I want them to know.
DWIGHT
Then you care nothing for our feelings in this matter?
LULU
Your feelings?
DWIGHT
How this will reflect on us--it’s nothing to you that we have a brother
who’s a bigamist?
LULU
But it’s me--it’s me.
DWIGHT
You! You’re completely out of it. You’ve nothing more to say about it
whatever. Just let it be as it is ... drop it. That’s all I suggest.
LULU
I want people to know the truth.
DWIGHT
But it’s nobody’s business but our business ... for all our sakes let us
drop this matter.... Now I tell you, Lulu--here are three of us. Our
interests are the same in this thing--only Ninian is our relative
and he’s nothing to you now. Is he?
LULU
Why----
DWIGHT
Let’s have a vote. Your snap judgment is to tell this disgraceful fact
broadcast. Mine is, least said soonest mended. What do you say, Ina?
INA
Oh, goodness--if we get mixed up in a scandal like this we’ll never get
away from it. Why, I wouldn’t have people know of it for worlds.
DWIGHT
Exactly. Ina has stated it exactly. Lulu, I think you should be
reconciled.
INA
My poor poor sister! Oh, Dwight! when I think of it--what have I done,
what have _we_ done--that I should have a good kind loving
husband--be so protected, so loved, when other women.... Darling!
You _know_ how sorry I am--we all are----
LULU
Then give me the only thing I’ve got--that’s my pride. My pride that he
didn’t want to get rid of me.
DWIGHT
What about my pride? Do you think I want everybody to know that my
brother did a thing like that?
LULU
You can’t help that.
DWIGHT
But I want you to help it. I want you to promise me that you won’t shame
us like this before all our friends.
LULU
You want me to promise what?
DWIGHT
I want you--I ask you to promise me that you will keep this with us--a
family secret.
LULU
No! No! I won’t do it! I won’t do it! I won’t do it!
DWIGHT
You refuse to do this small thing for us?
LULU
Can’t you understand anything? I’ve lived here all my life--on your
money. I’ve not been strong enough to work they say--well, but I’ve
been strong enough to be a hired girl in your house--and I’ve been
glad to pay for my keep.... But there wasn’t a thing about it that I
liked. Nothing about being here that I liked.... Well, then I got a
little something, same as other folks. I thought I was married and I
went off on the train and he bought me things and I saw different
towns. And then it was all a mistake. I didn’t have any of it. I
came back here and went into your kitchen again--I don’t know why I
came back. I suppose it’s because I’m most thirty-four and new
things ain’t so easy any more--but what have I got or what’ll I ever
have? And now you want to put on to me having folks look at me and
think he run off and left me and having them all wonder. I can’t
stand it. I can’t stand it. I can’t....
DWIGHT
You’d rather they’d know he fooled you when he had another wife?
LULU
Yes. Because he wanted me. How do I know--maybe he wanted me only just
because he was lonesome, the way I was. I don’t care why. And I
won’t have folks think he went and left me.
DWIGHT
That is wicked vanity.
LULU
That’s the truth. Well, why can’t they know the truth?
DWIGHT
And bring disgrace on us all?
LULU
It’s me--It’s me----
DWIGHT
You--you--you--you’re always thinking of yourself.
LULU
Who else thinks of me. And who do you think of--who do you think of,
Dwight? I’ll tell you that, because I know you better than any one
else in the world knows you--better even than Ina. And I know that
you’d sacrifice Ina, Di, mother, Monona, Ninian--everybody, just to
your own idea of who you are. You’re one of the men who can smother
a whole family and not even know you’re doing it.
DWIGHT
You listen to me. It’s Ninian I’m thinking about.
LULU
Ninian....
DWIGHT
Yes, yes ... Ninian!... Of course if you don’t care what happens to him,
it doesn’t matter.
LULU
What do you mean?
DWIGHT
If you don’t love him any more....
LULU
You know I love him. I’ll always love him.
DWIGHT
That’s likely. A woman doesn’t send the man she loves to prison.
LULU
I send him to prison! Why, he’s brought me the only happiness I’ve ever
had....
DWIGHT
But prison is just where he’ll go and you’ll be the one to send him
there.
LULU
Oh! That couldn’t be.... That couldn’t be....
DWIGHT
Don’t you realize that bigamy is a crime? If you tell this thing he’ll
go to prison ... nothing can save him.
LULU
I never thought of that....
DWIGHT
It’s time you did think. Now will you promise to keep this with us, a
family secret?
LULU
Yes. I promise.
DWIGHT
You will?...
LULU
Yes ... I will.
DWIGHT
A ... h. You’ll be happy some day to think you’ve done this for us,
Lulu.
LULU
I s’pose so....
INA
This makes up for everything. My sweet self-sacrificing sister!
LULU
Oh, stop that!
INA
Oh, the pity of it ... the pity of it!...
LULU
Don’t you go around pitying me! I’ll have you know I’m glad the whole
thing happened.
CURTAIN
------------------------------------------------------------------------
ACT III
THE SAME. _Discover MRS. BETT, tidying the porch and singing. It is the
following morning._
[_Enter LULU with bag._]
MRS. BETT
Where you going now, for pity sakes?
LULU
Mother. Now, mother darling, listen and try to understand.
MRS. BETT
Well, I am listening, Lulie.
LULU
Mother, I can’t stay here. I can’t stay here any longer. I’ve got to get
clear away from Dwight and Ina.
MRS. BETT
You want to live somewhere else, Lulie?
LULU
I can’t live here and have people think Ninian left me. I can’t tell the
truth and bring disgrace on Ninian. And I can’t stay here in
Dwight’s kitchen a day longer. Oh, mother! I wish you could see----
MRS. BETT
Why, Lulie, I do see that.
LULU
You do, mother?
MRS. BETT
I’ve often wondered why you didn’t go before.
LULU
Oh, mother, you dear----
MRS. BETT
You needn’t think because I’m old I don’t know a thing or two.
LULU
You want me to go?
MRS. BETT
It’s all I can do for you now, Lulie. Just to want you to go. I’m old
and I’m weak and I can’t keep care of you like when you was little.
LULU
Oh, mother, I’m so glad!
MRS. BETT
I ain’t exactly glad----
LULU
Dearest, I mean I was so afraid you wouldn’t understand----
MRS. BETT
Why wouldn’t I understand, I’d like to know? You speak like I didn’t
have a brain in my skull.
LULU
No, dear, but----
MRS. BETT
You mind me, Lulie, and go on. Go on.... Say, scat’s sake, you can’t go.
You ain’t got any money.
LULU
Yes, mother, I have. I’ve got twelve dollars.
MRS. BETT
And I ain’t got much. Only enough to bury me nice.
LULU
Don’t you worry, mother. I’ll be all right. I’ll get work.
MRS. BETT
Mother wants to help you. Here, Lulie, you take my funeral fifty. Joke
on Dwight to make him bury me.
LULU
Oh, no, mother, I couldn’t.
MRS. BETT
You mind me, Lulie. Do as mother tells you.
LULU
Mother, dearest! Oh, I wish I could take you with me!
MRS. BETT
You needn’t to worry about me. If I get lonesome I can give Dwight the
dickens.
LULU
Good-by--dear--good-by. I’ll go the back way, they won’t see me.
[_LULU kisses her and turns away. Left._]
MRS. BETT
Lulie. Mother loves you. You know that, don’t you?
LULU
Dearest, yes--yes, I do know.
[_She goes. MRS. BETT trembles, turns, sees her dustcloth, goes on
working and begins to hum._]
[_Enter DWIGHT._]
DWIGHT
Ready for breakfast, Mama Bett?
MRS. BETT
No, I ain’t ready.
DWIGHT
Neither is the breakfast. Lulu must be having the tantrim.
MRS. BETT
I s’pose you think that’s funny.
DWIGHT
Lulu ought to think of you--old folks ought to have regular meals----
MRS. BETT
Old? Old? Me, old?
DWIGHT
Well, you’re hungry. That’s what makes you so cross, Mama Bett.
MRS. BETT
All you think of is food, anyhow.
DWIGHT
Who has a better right? Who provides the food we eat?
MRS. BETT
That’s all you’re good for.
DWIGHT
Well, I may not amount to much in this old world of ours but I flatter
myself I’m a good provider.
MRS. BETT
If I was going to brag I’d brag original.
DWIGHT
You mustn’t talk like that. You know you’re my best girl.
MRS. BETT
Don’t you best-girl me.
DWIGHT
There, there, there....
MRS. BETT
Now look at you. Walking all over me like I wasn’t here--like I wasn’t
nowhere.
DWIGHT
Now, Mama Bett, you’re havin’ the tantrim.
MRS. BETT
Am I? All right then I am. What you going to do about it? How you going
to stop me?
DWIGHT
Now, now, now, now....
[_Enter INA._]
INA
Dwight, I can’t think what’s happened to Lulu. Breakfast isn’t even
started.
DWIGHT
Lulu must be having a rendezvous.
[_Grandma snorts._]
INA
That’s randevoo, Dwightie. Not rendezvous.
DWIGHT
You two are pretty particular, seems to me.
MRS. BETT
Oh, no! We ain’t used to the best.
[_DI is at the door._]
DI
Hello, family! What’s the matter with breakfast?
MRS. BETT
There ain’t any.
INA
Di, let’s you and I get breakfast just to show Aunt Lulu that we can.
MRS. BETT
Say if you two are going to get breakfast, I’ll go over to Grandma Gates
for a snack.
[_Enter MONONA._]
MONONA
What do you s’pose? Aunt Lulu’s trunk is locked and strapped in her
room.
INA
Monona, stop imagining things.
MONONA
Well, it is. And I saw her going down the walk with her satchel when I
was washing me.
DWIGHT
Lulu must be completely out of her mind.
MRS. BETT
First time I’ve known her to show good sense in years.
INA
Why, mama!
DWIGHT
Mother Bett, do you know where Lulu is?
MRS. BETT
Mother knows a-plenty.
INA
Mama, what do you mean?
MRS. BETT
I know all about Lulie being gone. She went this morning. I told her to
go.
INA
Why, mama! How can you talk so! When Dwight has been so good to you and
Lulu....
MRS. BETT
Good, yes, he’s give us a pillow and a baked potato----
DWIGHT
So! You and Lulu presume to upset the arrangement of my household
without one word to me.
MRS. BETT
Upset, upset--You cockroach!...
INA
Monona! Stop listening. Now run away and play. Di, you go and begin
breakfast.
DI
Yes, mummy.
MONONA
Aw, let me stay.
INA
[_Exeunt DI and MONONA._]
Go at once, children.
Mother, you ought not to use such language before young people.
MRS. BETT
Don’t you think they’re fooled. What do you suppose Di was going to run
away with Bobby Larkin for, only to get away from you.
DWIGHT
Mother Bett!
MRS. BETT
What do you suppose Lulu married Ninian for--only to get shed of both of
you.
INA
Oh please, please, somebody think a little bit of me. Dwight, do go
after Lulu--go to the depot--she couldn’t get away before the 8:37.
DWIGHT
My dear Ina, my dignity----
INA
Oh, please do go!
DWIGHT
Oh, my heavens! what a house full of women----
INA
Dwight, we can’t get along without Lulu.
DWIGHT
Upsetting things about my ears....
[_Exit._]
INA
Mama, I do think it’s too bad of you--oh! now I’ll try to get some
breakfast.
[_Exit._]
MRS. BETT
Going to try to, he-e!
[_Enter MONONA._]
MONONA
Oh, grandma isn’t it fun with so much going on!
MRS. BETT
What’s that, you little ape?
MONONA
Oh, I just love it! Everybody makes such funny faces.
MRS. BETT
Some people are born with funny faces. Monona, ain’t you ever going to
grow up?
MONONA
Grandma, I am grown up.
MRS. BETT
You don’t act like it.
MONONA
Well, grown folks don’t neither.
MRS. BETT
Sh-hh-hhh, stop talking back to me.
MONONA
Everybody shushes me. If I don’t talk, how’ll they know I’m there?
MRS. BETT
I guess they could bear up if they didn’t know you was there.
MONONA
I’d better get in, or I’ll catch it.
[_MONONA sings a silly song._]
MRS. BETT
[_Rocking in rhythm with the song._]
Scot’s sake, what am I doing! Them wicked words.
[_Enter DI._]
DI
Monona, mama wants you.
MONONA
I’d better go or I’ll catch it. I’ll catch it anyway----
[_Exit._]
[_Enter NINIAN._]
DI
Uncle Ninian! Well it’s just about time you showed up.
NINIAN
You’re right, Di. But I came as soon as I could.
DI
You might as well know. I think you’re a perfect slunge.
MRS. BETT
Land sakes!
NINIAN
Mrs. Bett.
MRS. BETT
Don’t you come near me! Don’t you speak to me! You whited centipede!
NINIAN
That’s what I expected and that’s what I deserve.
MRS. BETT
Move on! Move on!
NINIAN
Let me tell you something first, Mother Bett.
MRS. BETT
Don’t you “mother” me.
NINIAN
Yes, that’s just what I mean, _Mother_ Bett. I’ve found that the woman I
married died in Rio years ago. Here’s a letter from the consul.
MRS. BETT
Dead? Ain’t that nice! But what ailed you all the time? A man with any
get-up-and-get would have known that all along.
NINIAN
I’m not excusing myself any, Mother Bett.
MRS. BETT
Well, perhaps you’re as good as you know how to be. Anyway, your
mother’s responsible for a good deal without counting you.
NINIAN
Mother Bett, where is Lulu?
MRS. BETT
Who, Lulie? Oh, she’s run away.
NINIAN
What do you say?
MRS. BETT
She’s gone off on the train this morning. I told her to go.
NINIAN
Mother Bett, Mother Bett--where has she gone?
MRS. BETT
Gone to call her soul her own, I guess.
NINIAN
But Mother Bett, where did Lulu go?
MRS. BETT
She might be at the depot.
NINIAN
Can I catch her?
MRS. BETT
You can catch her if ye can run in them white--mittens.
NINIAN
Run? Watch me.
[_Exit running._]
DI
Oh! Grandma, isn’t it just too romantic?
MRS. BETT
What do you mean--rheumatic?
[_Enter MONONA._]
MONONA
Breakfast’s ready, grandma.
MRS. BETT
Breakfast! I wouldn’t know coffee from flapjacks.
MONONA
I’ve been catching it all morning and I didn’t do a thing.
MRS. BETT
What’s that, little ape?
MONONA
Grandma, honestly, do you see why because Aunt Lulu ran away the whole
family should pick on me?
MRS. BETT
Come here, you poor neglected child!
MONONA
Mama’s getting breakfast and she’s burned all over and she’s so
cross--m-m-m. Why here she comes now!
MRS. BETT
Who?
DI
Aunt Lulu!
[_Enter LULU._]
LULU
Mother----
MONONA
Oh, goody--now they’ll pick on you instead of me.
MRS. BETT
[_Softly._]
Monona! You run down the road as tight as you can and catch your Uncle
Ninian quick--Sh-sh-sh----
MONONA
Uncle Ninian! Oh--oh!
[_Exit._]
LULU
Mother--what do you think I’ve heard?
MRS. BETT
Land knows! my head’s whirlin’. Who found you?
LULU
Found me?
MRS. BETT
I can count up to ’leven in this house that’s went after you or went
after them that went after them--Oh land!...
LULU
Mother, the station agent said to me just now when I went to buy my
ticket, he said, “You just missed your husband. He went hurrying up
the street.” I couldn’t go till I knew.
DI
Why, Aunt Lulu, haven’t you heard----
MRS. BETT
Sh-h-h-h-- Leave it burst.
[_Enter DWIGHT._]
DWIGHT
So ... after making me traipse all over town for you and before
breakfast.... What is the meaning of this, Lulu? Answer me.
MRS. BETT
Sit down, Dwight. Take off your hat why don’t you?
[_Enter INA._]
INA
Forevermore.
LULU
Were you looking for me, Dwight?
DWIGHT
What about our breakfast, may I ask?
LULU
Haven’t you had your breakfast, Dwight? I had mine in the bakery.
MRS. BETT
In the bakery! On expense!
INA
Lulu, where have you been?
LULU
How good of you to miss me!
INA
Lulu, you don’t act like yourself.
LULU
That’s the way I heard the women talk in Savannah, Georgia. “So good of
you to miss me.”
DWIGHT
Lulu, let’s have no more of this nonsense....
LULU
Whose nonsense, Dwight? I’ve left your home for good and all. I’m going
somewhere else to work.
INA
Why, Lulu, what will people think of Dwight and me if we let you do
that?
DWIGHT
So you thought better of the promise you made to us last evening not to
tell our affairs broadcast.
LULU
Your affairs? No, Dwight, you can tell them anything you like when I’m
gone.
INA
How am I ever going to keep house without you? Dwight, you’ve simply got
to make her stay. When I think of what I went through while she was
away ... everything boils over, and what I don’t expect to b-b-boil
b-b-burns. Sister, how can you be so cruel when Dwight and I----
DWIGHT
Patience, patience, pettie.... Lulu, I ask you to stay here where you
belong.
LULU
No, Dwight, I’m through.
DWIGHT
So, sister mine, have you found some other man willing to run away with
you?
LULU
That will do, Dwight. You’ve pretended so long you can’t be honest with
yourself, any of the time. Your whole life is a lie.
MRS. BETT
Save your breath, Lulie.
[_Enter MONONA with NINIAN._]
DWIGHT
At least, Miss Lulu Bett, neither Ina nor I ever had to lie about our
marriage.
MONONA
Here he is, grandma.
LULU
Oh....
NINIAN
What’s that you’re saying, Dwight?
INA
Forevermore!
LULU
Ninian....
NINIAN
Lulu.... So I didn’t miss you.
DWIGHT
Ha! ha!... The happy bridegroom comes at last. What’s the meaning of
this, Ninian?
NINIAN
I’ll bet he’s made life beautiful for you since you got back. Anything
more to say, Dwight?
DWIGHT
Yes, Lulu was planning to run away.... I was telling her she’d better
stay here at home where she’d have us to stand by her.
NINIAN
Yes, I’ve heard how you stood by her. You’re a magnificent protector,
you are!
DWIGHT
Look here, Nin, don’t you feel that you have to sacrifice yourself. Lulu
is well enough off here.
INA
She was quite happy until you came, Ninian.
NINIAN
You hypocrites!
MRS. BETT
Hypocrites! He-e!
INA
Children, stop listening to older people.
DI
Oh, mama!...
MONONA
[_Crying._]
Oh.... Let me stay!
INA
Children!...
[_Exeunt DI and MONONA._]
Ninian, how can you say such things to us!
NINIAN
Lulu has suffered as much from you as she has from me.
MRS. BETT
That’s right, Ninian. Plain talk won’t hurt nobody around here.
NINIAN
Lulu, can you forgive me?
LULU
But Cora Waters ... what of her?
DWIGHT
Yes, what about your other wife?
NINIAN
I haven’t any other wife--just Lulu.
MRS. BETT
Cora Waters is dead. I knew it all along.
LULU
Ninian, is it true?
NINIAN
Yes, it’s true.
MRS. BETT
He’s confided in his mother. He told me all about it.
NINIAN
Will you come back to me, Lulu?
MRS. BETT
Better take him, Lulie. You can have that fifty to furnish up the
parlor.
LULU
Oh, mother! I wish we could have you with us.
NINIAN
Do you forgive me?
LULU
I forgave you in Savannah, Georgia.
CURTAIN
------------------------------------------------------------------------
ACT III
[_As originally produced December 27, 1920._]
------------------------------------------------------------------------
ACT III
THE PIANO STORE: _Empty, bare, three or four upright pianos with bright
plush spreads and plush-covered stools. Back, a dark green sateen
curtain. It is the following morning._
[_Discover CORNISH at a little table, on which is opened a large
black book._]
[_Enter MONONA, carrying basket of parcels._]
MONONA
Oh, Mr. Cornish....
CORNISH
Hello, there, Monona! How’s everything?
MONONA
Everything’s perfectly awful up to our house.
CORNISH
Miss Lulu’s all right, I hope?
MONONA
Aunt Lulu is----
CORNISH
There! I knew it. I know this thing was going to wind up in a fit of
sickness----
MONONA
Sick.... No. She’s gone.
CORNISH
Gone! Miss Lulu gone?
MONONA
Run away.
CORNISH
Oh, with who?
MONONA
Nobody, I guess. She skipped out of the house early this morning. It was
me saw her going down the walk with her bag. It was me told
everybody. It was me found her trunk packed and locked in her room.
That’s all.
CORNISH
This is terrible, terrible--and your people not home yet?
MONONA
I should say they are. Came last night.
CORNISH
But what are they doing to find her?
MONONA
Papa said he wouldn’t do a thing. Mamma’s been getting breakfast and
she’s burned all over, and she’s so cross--m-m!
CORNISH
Yes, but aren’t they trying to find Lulu--your Aunt Lulu----
MONONA
Grandma says she knows she’s dead. Probably she’s drowned in the river
and they’ll get her out with her hair all stringy----
CORNISH
See here. I think I’ll come up to your house. I’ll put a little notice
on my door----
MONONA
I better go now. I’ll catch it anyhow. I’ve been catching it all the
morning and I didn’t do a thing. Mr. Cornish, honestly, do you see
why, because Aunt Lulu ran away, the whole family should pick on me?
CORNISH
Well, we must all help as much as we can, Monona----
MONONA
Up to our house, honestly, you’d think I was the one that had done it.
And I may!
[_Exit, running._]
CORNISH
I’ll be right there, as soon as I can lock up.
[_He disappears behind the green curtain. Pause._]
[_Enter LULU._]
LULU
Mr. Cornish. Mr. Cornish.
[_CORNISH appears._]
CORNISH
Well!
LULU
Well!
CORNISH
You’re out early.
LULU
Oh, no!
CORNISH
My, but I’m glad to see you. Won’t you sit down?
LULU
I can only stay a minute. Wasn’t that Monona just went out of here?
CORNISH
Yes, that was Monona.
LULU
Did she say anything about me?
CORNISH
She--she said you’d run away. She--she must have been mistaken.
LULU
No, she wasn’t. I have.
CORNISH
Why, Miss Lulu!
LULU
Or I’m going on the 10:10. My bag’s in the bakery. I had my breakfast in
the bakery.... I’ve left them for good.
CORNISH
Then I suppose he cut up like a hyena over that letter being opened.
LULU
Oh, he forgave me that.
CORNISH
Forgave you!
LULU
Overlooked it, rather.
CORNISH
Anyway he’s convinced now about that other Mrs. Ninian Deacon?
LULU
Yes, but you mustn’t say anything about that, please, ever.
CORNISH
Even now? Well, I’ll be jumped up. _Even now?_ Then--I guess I see why
you’re going.
LULU
It isn’t only that. I’m going ... I’m _going_!
CORNISH
I see. Would--would you tell me where?
LULU
Maybe. After a while.
CORNISH
I do want you to. Because I--I think you’re a brick.
LULU
Oh, no!
CORNISH
Yes, you are. By George! you don’t find very many _married_ women with
as good sense as you’ve got. That is, I mean----
LULU
All right. I know. Thank you.
CORNISH
You’ve been a jewel in their home--I know that. They’re going to miss
you no end.
LULU
They’ll miss my cooking.
CORNISH
They’ll miss more than that. I’ve watched you there....
LULU
You have?
CORNISH
You made the whole place go.
LULU
You don’t mean just the cooking?
CORNISH
No.
LULU
I never had but one compliment before that wasn’t for my cooking. He
told me I done up my hair nice.... That was after I took notice how
the ladies in Savannah, Georgia, done up theirs.
CORNISH
Well, well, well!...
LULU
I must go now. I wanted to say good-by to you....
CORNISH
I hate to have you go. I--I hate to have you go.
LULU
Oh, well!
CORNISH
Look here, I wish--I wish you weren’t going.
LULU
Do you? Good-by.
CORNISH
Can’t I come to the depot with you?
LULU
You can’t leave the store alone.
CORNISH
Yes. I’ll put a little notice on the door....
LULU
No. That would be bad for the business. Good-by.
CORNISH
Good-by, Miss Lulu! Good-by, good-by, good-by!...
LULU
There’s something else. I’m going to tell you--I don’t care what Dwight
says.
[_Takes letter from her handbag._]
As long as I told you the other part, I’m going to tell you this.
CORNISH
I want to know everything you’ll let me know.
LULU
See--at the office this morning was this. It’s from Ninian.
CORNISH
Well, I should think he’d better write.
LULU
Nobody must know. It was bad enough for the family before, but now ...
here it is:
“... just want you to know you’re actually rid of me. I’ve heard
from her, in Brazil. She ran out of money and thought of me, and
her lawyer wrote to me....” ... he incloses the lawyer’s letter.
“I’ve never been any good--Dwight would tell you that if his pride
would let him tell the truth once in a while. But there isn’t
anything in my life makes me feel as bad as this....”
... well, that part doesn’t matter. But you see. He didn’t lie to
get rid of me--and she was alive just as he thought she might be!
CORNISH
And you’re free now.
LULU
That’s so--I am. I hadn’t thought of that.... It’s late. Now I’m really
going. Good-by.
CORNISH
Don’t say good-by.
LULU
It’s nearly train time.
CORNISH
Don’t you go.... Do you think you could possibly stay here with me?
LULU
Oh!...
CORNISH
I haven’t got anything. I guess maybe you’ve heard something about a
little something I’m supposed to inherit. Well, it’s only five
hundred dollars.... That little Warden house--it don’t cost
much--you’d be surprised. Rent, I mean. I can get it now. I went and
looked at it the other day but then I didn’t think ... well, I mean,
it don’t cost near as much as this store. We could furnish up the
parlor with pianos ... that is, if you could ever think of such a
thing as marrying me.
LULU
But--you _know_! Why, don’t the disgrace----
CORNISH
What disgrace?
LULU
Oh, you--you----
CORNISH
There’s only this about that. Of course, if you loved him very much then
I ought not to be talking this way to you. But I didn’t think----
LULU
You didn’t think what?
CORNISH
That you did care so very much about him. I don’t know why.
LULU
I wanted somebody of my own. That’s the reason I done what I done. I
know that now.
CORNISH
I figured that way.... Look here, I ought to tell you. I’m--I’m awful
lonesome myself. This is no place to live. Look--look here.
[_He draws the green curtain, revealing the mean little cot and
washstand._]
I guess living so is one reason why I want to get married. I want some
kind of a home.
LULU
Of course.
CORNISH
I ain’t never lived what you might say private.
LULU
I’ve lived too private.
[_Pause._]
CORNISH
Then there’s another thing. I--I don’t believe I’m ever going to be able
to do anything with the law.
LULU
I don’t see how anybody does.
CORNISH
And I’m not much good in a business way. Sometimes I think that I may
never be able to make any money.
LULU
Lots of men don’t.
CORNISH
Well, there it is. I’m no good at business. I’ll never be a lawyer.
And--and everything I say sounds wrong to me. And yet I do believe
that I’d know enough not to bully a woman. Not to make her unhappy.
Maybe--even, I could make her a little happy.
LULU
Lots of men do.
[_Voices._]
[_Enter INA, DWIGHT and MRS. BETT._]
INA
Oh, Dwight! she’s still here.
DWIGHT
So this is where we find our Lulu!
LULU
Did you want me, Dwight?
INA
Want you? Why, Lulu! are you crazy? Of course we want you. Why aren’t
you home?
[_Nursing her wrist, which is bandaged, with the other hand, which
is bandaged, too._]
MRS. BETT
Lulie, Lulie, we thought you’d gone off again.
LULU
Mother, darling....
DWIGHT
Here am I kept home from the office, trying my best to take your place.
You’re a most important personage, Miss Lulu Bett.
LULU
What did you want of me?
INA
Want of you? Why, my goodness....
DWIGHT
If you had tasted bacon fried as the bacon was fried which I have tasted
this day----
INA
Oh, Dwight, that’s not funny!
DWIGHT
No. And the muffins were not funny either. Yes they were!
LULU
How good of you to miss me!
INA
Lulu, you don’t act like yourself.
LULU
That was the way I heard the women talk in Savannah, Georgia. “So good
of you to miss me.”
DWIGHT
Lulu, what does this mean? No more of this nonsense.
LULU
Whose nonsense, Dwight?
DWIGHT
We know that your trunk is locked and strapped in your room and you were
seen going down the street with a bag. You have flown here,
presumably to discuss your situation with an outsider. Is this fair
to us?
LULU
What do you want me to do, Dwight?
INA
Do? Why, we want you to come home.
LULU
Home!
DWIGHT
Also to explain your amazing behavior.
CORNISH
May I do that, Miss Lulu?
LULU
No--no thank you. I think I’d like to speak for myself. Dwight, I’ve
left your home for good and all.
INA
Sister....
MRS. BETT
Lulie ... Lulie!...
DWIGHT
Ah-ha! You have thought better of the promise you made to Ina and me
last evening not to tell our affairs broadcast.
LULU
I’ve thought no better of it--and no worse. I couldn’t. But I’ve been
thinking of something else. Of you, Dwight.
DWIGHT
Ah--I’m flattered.
LULU
... Let it go at that.... In any case, I’ve left your home.
INA
But where are you going?
LULU
I meant to go somewhere else and work.
INA
Go somewhere else and work. Cook? Lulu, have you no consideration for
Dwight and me at all? What would people think if we let you do
that....
DWIGHT
Patience, patience, pettie. Let’s have no more of this, Lulu. I imagine
you’re not quite well. Come home with us, now, there’s a good girl.
LULU
No, Dwight.
INA
Lulu, I simply can’t keep house without you. When I think of going
through with what I went through this summer while you were away....
Everything b-boils over and what I don’t expect to b-boil
b-burns....
[_Sobs._]
Dwightie, you’ve got to make her stay.
DWIGHT
Pettie--control yourself.... Lulu, I ask you, I implore you, to come
back home with us.
CORNISH
Miss Lulu....
LULU
Yes?
CORNISH
May I tell them?
LULU
What is there to tell them?
CORNISH
I think Miss Lulu and I are going to--arrange.
LULU
O but not yet--not yet.
DWIGHT
What--you? You and Cornish? I should think not. How can you?
LULU
Cora Waters is alive. Ninian’s heard from her. There’s her lawyer’s
letter.
INA
Forevermore!
MRS. BETT
What you talking--what you talking. I want to know but I ain’t got
something in my head.... Lulie, you ain’t going to get married
again, are you--after waiting so long?
DWIGHT
Don’t be disturbed, Mother Bett. She wasn’t married that first time. No
marriage about it.
INA
Dwight! If Lulu marries Mr. Cornish, then everybody’ll have to know
about Ninian and his other wife.
LULU
That’s so. You would have to tell, wouldn’t you? I never thought of
that. Well--you can get used to the idea while I’m gone.
DWIGHT
Gone?
INA
Gone where?
MRS. BETT
Where you goin’ now, for pity sakes?
LULU
Away. I thought I wanted somebody of my own. Well, maybe it was just
myself.
DWIGHT
What ridiculous talk is this?
CORNISH
Lulu--couldn’t you stay with me----
LULU
Sometime, maybe. I don’t know. But first I want to see out of my own
eyes. For the first time in my life. Good-by, mother.
MRS. BETT
Lulie, Lulie....
LULU
[_At the door._]
Good-by. Good-by, all of you. I’m going I don’t know where--to work at I
don’t know what. But I’m going from choice!
[_Exit._]
[_CORNISH follows her._]
MRS. BETT
Who’s going to do your work now, I’d like to know?
CURTAIN
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Transcriber’s Notes
This file uses _underscores_ to indicate italic text. New original
cover art included with this ebook is granted to the public domain.
The printed text is somewhat inconsistent in how it indents lines of
stage directions other than the first line; in this text, all stage
directions (other than initial scene descriptions) are indented
after the first line.
The following changes and corrections have been made:
• p. xvii: Replaced “Louis” with “Louise” in name “Louise Closser
Hale.”
• p. 45: Replaced “wont” with “won’t” in phrase “Oh, maybe Ina won’t
go.”
• p. 51: Added closing bracket to stage direction “Exit NINIAN.”
• p. 63: Added closing bracket to stage direction after phrase “one
note of laughter, thin and high.”
• p. 85: Replaced “hadn’” with “hadn’t” in phrase “I hadn’t been a
good wife to Ninian.”
• p. 158: Added period after phrase “Lulu, you don’t act like
yourself.”
• p. 159: Replaced “your” with “you’re” in phrase “What’s that
you’re saying, Dwight?”
*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK MISS LULU BETT ***
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