The Project Gutenberg EBook of Pamphlets and Parodies on Political
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Title: Pamphlets and Parodies on Political Subjects
Author: William Hone
Illustrator: George Cruikshank
Release Date: December 26, 2013 [EBook #44520]
Language: English
*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PAMPHLETS AND PARODIES ***
Produced by David Widger
PAMPHLETS AND PARODIES ON POLITICAL SUBJECTS
By William Hone,
With Numerous Wood Cuts, by Cruikshank
[Illustration: 010]
[Illustration: 011]
{003}
LONDON:
I. CHIDLEY, J 51, GOSWELL STREET,.
{005}
THE POLITICAL HOUSE THAT JACK BUILT.
"A straw--thrown up to show which way the wind blows."
WITH THIRTEEN CUTS
[Illustration: 013]
Fifty-first Edition
London:
Printed By And For William Hone,
Ludgate Hill.
1821.
ONE SHILLING.
{006]
--"Many, whose sequester'd lot
Forbids their interference, looking on,
Anticipate perforce some dire event;
And, seeing the old castle of the state,
That promis'd once more firmness, so assail'd,
That all its tempest-beaten turrets shake,
Stand motionless expectants of its fall."
Cowper.
NOTE. Each Motto that follows, is from Cowper's "Task."
{007}
THE AUTHOR'S DEDICATION TO HIS POLITICAL GODCHILD.
To
Doctor Slop,
In Acknowledgment Of
Many Public Testimonials Of His Filial Gratitude;
And To The Nursery Of Children Six Feet High, His Readers,
For The Delight And Instruction Of Their Uninformed Minds
This Juvenile Publication
Is Affectionately Inscribed,
By
The Doctor's Political Godfather,
The Author.
**The Publication wherein the Author of "The Political House that Jack
Built" conferred upon Dr. SLOP the lasting distinction of his name, was
a Jeu d'Esprit, entitled "Buonapartephobia, or cursing made easy to the
meanest capacity"--It is reprinted, and may be had of the Publisher,
Price One Shilling.
[Illustration: 016]
{009}
THIS IS THE HOUSE THAT JACK BUILT
[Illustration: 017]
THIS IS
THE WEALTH
that lay
In the House that Jack built.
{010}
[Illustration: 018]
----"A race obscene,
Spawn'd in the muddy beds of Nile, came forth,
Polluting Egypt: gardens, fields, and plains,
Were cover'd with the pest;
The croaking nuisance lurk'd in every nook;
Nor palaces, nor even chambers,'scap'd;
And the land stank --so num'rous was the fry."
THESE ARE
THE VERMIN
That plunder the Wealth,
That lay in the House,
That Jack built.
{011}
[Illustration: 019]
THIS IS
THE THING,
that in spite of new Acts,
And attempts to restrain it,
by Soldiers or Tax,
Will _poison_ the Vermin,
That plunder the Wealth,
That lay in the House,
That Jack built.
{012}
[Illustration: 020]
THIS IS
THE PUBLIC INFORMER,
who
Would pull down the _Thing,_
that, in spite of new Acts,
And attempts to restrain it,
by Soldiers or Tax,
Will poison the Vermin, that plunder the Wealth,
That lay in the House, that Jack built.
{013}
[Illustration: 021]
THESE ARE
THE REASONS OF LAWLESS POWER,
That back the Public Informer,
who
Would put down the Thing,
that, in spite of new Acts,
And attempts to restrain it,
by Soldiers or Tax,
Will _poison_ the Vermin,
That plunder the W ealth,
That lay in the House,
That Jack built.
{014}
[Illustration: 022]
This is THE MAN--all shaven and shorn,
All cover'd with Orders--and all forlorn;
{015}
THE DANDY OF SIXTY,
Who bows with a grace,
And has _taste_ in wigs, collars,
cuirasses, and lace;
Who, to tricksters and fools,
leaves the State and its treasure,
And, when Britain's in tears,
sails about at his pleasure,
Who spurn'd from his presence
the Friends of his youth,
And now has not one
who will tell him the truth;
Who took to his counsels,
in evil hour,
The Friends to the Reasons
of lawless Power;
That back the Public Informer
who
Would put down the _Thing_,
that, in spite of new Acts,
And attempts to restrain it,
by Soldiers or Tax,
Will _poison_ the Vermin,
That plunder the Wealth,
That lay in the House,
That Jack built.
{016}
[Illustration: 024]
THESE ARE
THE PEOPLE
all tatter'd and torn,
Who curse the day
wherein they were born,
On account of Taxation
too great to be borne,
And pray for relief,
from night to morn:
Who, in vain, Petition
in every form,
{017}
Who, peaceably Meeting
to ask for Reform,
Were sabred by Yeomanry Cavalry,
who
Were thank'd by THE MAN,
all shaven and shorn,
All cover'd with Orders--
and all forlorn;
THE DANDY OF SIXTY,
who bows with a grace,
And has taste in wigs, collars,
cuirasses, and lace:
"Who, to tricksters and fools,
leaves the state and its treasure,
And, when Britain's in tears,
sails about at his pleasure:
Who spurn'd from his presence
the Friends of his youth,
And now' has not one
who will tell him the truth;
Who took to his counsels, in evil hour,
The Friends to the Reasons of law less Power,
That back the Public Informer, who
Would put down the _Thing_, that, in spite of new Acts,
And attempts to restrain it, by Soldiers or Tax,
Will _poison_ the Vermin, that plunder the Wealth,
That lay in the House, that Jack built.
{018}
[Illustration: 026]
This is THE DOCTOR
of _Circular_ fame,
A Driv'ller, a Bigot, a Knave
without shame:
{019}
And _that's_ DERRY DOWN TRIANGLE
by name,
From the Land of misrule,
and half-hanging, and flame:
And _that_ is THE SPOUTER OF FROTH
BY THE HOUR,
The worthless colleague
of their infamous power:
W ho dubb'd _him_ 'the Doctor'
whom now he calls 'brother,'
And, to get at his Place,
took a shot at the other;
Who haunts their _Bad House_,
a base living to earn,
By playing Jack-pudding, and Ruffian,
in turn;
Who bullies, for those
whom he bullied before;
Their _Flash_-man, their Bravo,
a son of a --------;
The hate of the People,
all tatter'd and torn,
Who curse the day
wherein they were born,
On account of Taxation
too great to be borne,
And pray for relief
from night to morn;
{020}
Who, in vain, petition
in every form:
Who peaceably Meeting
to ask for Reform,
Were sabred by Yeomanry Cavalry,
who
Were thank'd by THE MAN,
all shaven and shorn,
All cover'd with Orders--
and all forlorn;
THE DANDY OF SIXTY,
who bows with a grace,
And has _taste_ in wigs, collars,
cuirasses and lace:
Who to tricksters and fools,
leaves the State and its treasure,
And, when Britain's in tears,
sails about at his pleasure:
Who spurn'd from his presence
the Friends of his youth,
And now has not one
who will tell him the truth;
Who took to his counsels, in evil hour,
The Friends to the Reasons of lawless Power;
That back the Public Informer, who
Would put down the _Thing_, that, inspite of new Acts,
And attempts to restrain it, by Soldiers or Tax,
Will _poison_ the Vermin, that plunder the Wealth
That lay in the House, that Jack built.
{021}
[Illustration: 029]
This WORD is the Watchword--
the talisman word,
That the WATERLOO-MAN's to crush
with his sword;
{022}
But, if shielded by Norfolk
and Bedford's alliance,
It will set both his sword,
and him at defiance;
If Fitzwilliam, and Grosvenor, and
Albemarle aid it,
And assist its best Champions,
who then dare invade it?
'Tis the terrible WORD OF FEAR,
night and morn,
To the _Guilty Trio_,
all cover'd with scorn;
First, to the Doctor,
of Circular fame,
A Driv'ller, a Bigot, a Knave
without shame:
And next, Derry Down Triangle
by name,
From the Land of Mis-rule,
and Half-hanging, and Flame:
And then, to the Spouter of Froth
by the hour,
The worthless colleague
of their infamous power;
Who dubb'd _him_ 'the Doctor,'
whom now he calls 'brother',
And to get at his Place,
took a shot at the other;
{023]
Who haunts their _Bad House_,
a base living to earn,
By playing Jack-Pudding, and Ruffian,
in turn;
Who bullies for those,
whom he bullied before;
Their _Flash_-man, their Bravo,
a son of a --------;
The hate of the People,
all tatter'd and torn,
Who curse the day
wherein they were born
On account of Taxation
too great to be borne,
And pray for relief,
from night to morn;
Who, in vain, Petition
in every form,
Who peaceably Meeting,
to ask for Reform,
Were sabred by Yeomanry Cavalry,
who,
Were thank'd by _THE MAN_,
all shaven and shorn,
All cover'd with Orders--
and all forlorn;
THE DANDY OF SIXTY,
who bows with a grace,
{024}
And has _taste_ in wigs, collars,
cuirasses and lace;
Who, to tricksters and fools,
leaves the State and its treasure,
And, when Britain's in tears,
sails about at his pleasure;
Who spurn'd from his presence
the Friends of his youth,
And now has not one
who will tell him the Truth;
Who took to his counsels,
in evil hour,
The friends to the Reasons
of lawless Power;
That back the Public Informer,
who
Would put down the Thing
that, in spite of new Acts,
And attempts to restrain it
by Soldiers or Tax,
Will _poison_ the Vermin,
That plunder the Wealth,
That lay in the House,
That Jack built.
END OF THE HOUSE THAT JACK BUILT.
{025}
[Illustration: 033]
THE CLERICAL MAGISTRATE.
THIS PRIEST,
made 'according to Law,'
{026}
Who, on being ordain'd, vow'd, by rote, like a daw,
That he felt himself call'd, by the Holy Spirit,
To teach men the Kingdom of Heaven to merit;
That, to think of the World and the flesh he'd cease,
And keep men in quietness, love, and peace;
And, making thus his profession and boast,
Receiv'd, from the Bishop, the Holy Ghost:
Then--not having the fear of God before him--
Is sworn in a Justice, and one of the _Quorum_;
'Gainst his spiritual Oath, puts his Oath of the Bench,
And, instead of his Bible, examines a wench;
Gets Chairman of Sessions--leaves his flock, sick
or dying,
To license Ale-houses--and assist in the trying
Of prostitutes, poachers, pickpockets, and thieves;--
Having _charged_ the Grand Jury, dines with them,
and gives
"Church and King without day-light gets _fresh_,
and puts in--
To the stocks vulgar people, who fuddle with gin:
Stage-coach men, and toll-men, convicts as he pleases;
And beggars and paupers incessantly teazes:
Commits starving vagrants, and orders Distress
On the Poor, for their Rates--signs warrants to press,
And beats up for names to a Loyal Address:
Would indict, for Rebellion, those who Petition:
And, all who look peaceable, try for Sedition;
{027}
If the People were legally Meeting, in quiet,
Would pronounce it decidedly--_sec. Stut_.--a Riot,
And order the Soldiers 'to aid and assist,'
That is--kill the helpless, who cannot resist.
He, though vowing 'from all worldly studies to
cease,'
Breaks the Peace of the Church, to be Justice of Peace;
Breaks his vows madeto Heaven: a pander for power;
A Perjurer--a guide to the People no more;
On God turns his back,
when he turns the State's Agent;
And damns his own Soul,
to be friends with the --------.
THE END.
[Illustration: 035]
{028}
{029}
[Illustration: 037]
THE QUEEN'S MATRIMONIAL LADDER,
A National Toy With Fourteen Step Scenes;
And Illustrations In Verse,
With Eighteen Other Cuts.
By The Author Of The Political House That Jack Built."
{030}
'It is a wonderful thing to consider the strength of Princes' wills when
they are bent to have their Pleasure fulfilled, wherein no reasonable
persuasion' will serve their turn: how little do they regard the
dangerous sequels, that may ensue as well to themselves as to their
Subjects. And amongst all things there is nothing that makes them more
wilful than Carnal Love, and various affecting of voluptuous desires."
Cavendish's Memoirs of Curd. Wolsey
{031}
[Illustration: 039]
QUALIFICATION.
In love, and in drink, and o'ertoppled by debt
With women, with wine, and with duns on the fret.
{032}
[Illustration: 040]
DECLARATION.
The Prodigal Son, by his perils surrounded,
Vex'd, harass'd, bewilder'd, asham'd, and con-
founded,
Fled for help to his Father,
confessed his ill doing,
And begged for salvation
from stark staring ruin;
The sire urged--"The People
your debts have twice paid,
"And, to ask a third time,
even Pitt is afraid;
"But he shall if you'll marry, and lead a new life,--
"You've a cousin in Germany--make her your
wife!"
{033}
[Illustration: 041]
ACCEPTATION.
From the high halls of Brunswick, all youthful and
gay,
From the hearth of her fathers, he lured her away:
How joy'd she in coming--
how smiling the bower;
flow sparkling their nuptials--
how welcome her dower.
Ah! short were her pleasures--full soon came her
cares--
Her husbandless bride-bed was wash'd with her
tears.
{034}
[Illustration: 042]
ALTERATION.
Near a million of debts gone,
all gone were her charms--
What! an Epicure have _his own_ wife
in his arms?
She was not to his _taste_--
what car'd _he_ for the 'form,'
'To love and to cherish'
could not mean reform:
'To love' meant, of course, nothing else
but neglect;--
'To cherish' to leave her,
and shew disrespect
{035}
[Illustration: 043]
IMPUTATION.
Was it manly, when widow'd,
to spy at her actions;
To listen to eaves-droppers,
whisp'ring detractions:
And, like an old Watchman,
with faults to conceal,
Get up a _false Charge_,
as a proof of his zeal?
If desertion was base, Oh base be his name,
Who, having deserted, would bring her to sham?
{036}
[Illustration: 044]
EXCULPATION.
Undaunted in spirit, her courage arose,
With encrease of charges, and encrease of foes.
Despising the husband,
who thus had abused her,
She proved to his father,
his son had ill used her:--
Her conduct examin'd, and sifted, shone bright,
Her enemies fled, as the shadows of night
{037}
[Illustration: 045]
EMIGRATION.
Her father and king, while with reason yet blest,
Protected her weakness, and shielded her rest;
Infirmity seizes him, false friends draw near,
Then spies gather round, and malignants appear;
And cajole, wait, watch, insult,
alarm, and betray,
Till from home, and her daughter,
they force her away.
{038}
[Illustration: 046]
REMIGRATION.
Still pursued, when a 'wanderer,'
her child sleeps in death,
And her best friend, in England, her king,
yields his breath;
This gives her new rights--
they neglect and proscribe her;
She threatens returning--they then try to bribe her!
The bullies turn slaves, and, in meanness, fawn on her:
They feel her contempt, and they vow her dishonour;
But she 'steers her own course,' comes indignantly
over,
And the shouts of the nation salute her at Dover!
{039}
[Illustration: 047]
CONSTERNATION.
Ah, what was that groan!--
'twas the Head of the Church,
When he found she was come--
for he dreaded a search
Into what _he_'d been doing:
and sorely afraid, for
What _she_ might find out,
cried '_I'll not have her pray'd for'_;
And the B------ps, obeying their _pious_ Head,
care took
That the name of his wife
should be out of the prayer book!
A BURNING SHAME!"
{040}
[Illustration: 048]
ACCUSATION.
On searching for precedents, much to their dread,
They found that they could n't well cut off her head;
{041}
And the 'House of Incurables' raised a 'Report'
She was not a fit person to live in _his_ Court.
How like an OLD CHARLEY
they then made him stand,
In his lanthorn a _leech_,
the 'Report' in his hand.
'Good folks be so good as not go near that door
'For, though my own wife, she _is_--I could say more
'But it's all in this _Bag_, and there'll be a fine pother,
'I shall get rid of her, and I'll then get another!'
Yet he thought, to himself,--
'twas a thought most distressing,--
'If _she_ should discover
I've been M--ch--ss--g,
'There's an end of the whole!
D----rs C-ns, of course,
'If _my own_ hands are dirty,
won't grant a D------ce!'
He tried to look wise, but he only look'd wild;
The women laugh'd out, and the grave even smiled:
The old frown'd upon him--the children made sport,
And his wife held her _ridicule_ at his 'Report'!
Moral.
_Be warn'd by his fate
Married, single, and all;
Ye elderly Gentlemen,
Pity his fall!_
{042}
[Illustration: 050]
PUBLICATION.
As yon bright orb, that vivifies our ball,
Sees through our system, and illumines all;
{043}
So, sees and shines, our Moral Sun, The Press,
Alike to vivify the mind, and bless;
Sees the rat _Leech_ turn towards Milan's walls,
'Till the black slime betrays him as he crawls;'
Sees, from that recreant, vile, and eunuch-land,
Where felon-perjurers hold their market-stand,
_Cooke_, with his 'cheek of parchment, eye of stone,'
Get up the evidence, to go well down;
Sees who, with eager hands, the Green Bag cram,
And warns the nation of the frightful flam;
Sees Him, for whom they work the treacherous
task,
With face, scarce half conceal'd, behind their mask,
Fat, fifty-eight, and frisky, still a beau,
Grasping a half-made match, by _Leech_-light go;
Led by a passion, prurient, blind, and batter'd,
Lame, bloated, pointless, flameless, age'd and
shatter'd;
Creeping, like Guy Fawkes, to blow up his wife,
Whom, spurn'd in youth, he dogs through after-life.
Scorn'd, exiled, baffled, goaded in distress,
She owes her safety to a fearless Press:
With all the freedom that it makes its own,
It guards, alike, the people and their throne;
While fools with darkling eye-balls shun its gaze,
And soaring villains scorch beneath its blaze.
{044}
[Illustration: 052]
INDIGNATION.
The day will soon come, when 'the Judge and the
Ponderer,'
Will judge between thee, and the charge-daring
'Wanderer
Will say--'Thou who cast the first stone at thy wife,
Art thou without sin, and is spotless _thy_ life?'
Ah! what if _thy_ faults should 'outrival the sloe,'
And thy wife's, beside thine, should look 'whiter
than snow'!
Bethink thee! the old British Lion awoke,
Turns indignant, and treads out thy bag-full of smoke.
Spurn thy minions--the traitors, who counsel thee,
banish;
And the soldiers will quickly forget all their _Spanish!_
{045}
[Illustration: 053]
CORONATION.
Shakspeare says, in King John, it's a curse most
abhorrent,
That '_Slaves_ take the humours of Kings for a warrant.'
A more _useful_ truth never fell from his pen,
If Kings would apply it like sober-bred men.
The Slaves of _your_ will,
will make your reign, in History,
A misrule of force, folly, taxing, and mystery:
Indulging your wish for
what, with law,'s incompatible,
For the present, they've render'd your crown
not come-at-able;
And the tongues of old women and infancy wag,
With, 'He call'd for his crown--and
they gave him the _Bag!_'
{046}
[Illustration: 054]
DEGRADATION.
To this have they brought thee, at last!
{047}
Exposed thee, for all men to see!
Ah, surely, their pandering
shall quickly be past:--
'How wretched their portion
shall be!
'Derision shall strike them
forlorn,
'A mockery that never shall die:
'The curses of hate and the hisses
of scorn,
f Shall follow wherever they fly;
'And proud o'er their ruin
for ever be hurl'd,
'The laughter of triumph,
the jeers of the world!'
THE END
[Illustration: 055]
{048}
[Illustration: 056]
THE JOSS AND HIS FOLLY,
An Extract of an overland Dispatch.
I stare at it from out my casement,
And ask for what is such a place meant.
Byron.
July 29, 1820.
----The queerest of all the queer sights
I've set sight on;--
Is, the _what dye-call'-t thing_, here,
The Folly at Brighton
{049}
The outside--huge teapots,
all drill'd round with holes,
Relieved by extinguishers,
sticking on poles:
The inside--all tea-things,
and dragons, and bells,
The show rooms--_all_ show,
the sleeping rooms--cells.
But the _grand_ Curiosity
's not to be seen--
The owner himself--
an old fat Mandarin;
A patron of painters
who copy designs,
That grocers and tea-dealers
hang up for signs:
Hence teaboard-taste artists
gain rewards and distinction,
Hence his title of 'Teapot'
shall last to extinction.
I saw his great chair
into which he falls--soss--
And sits, in his China Shop,
like a large Joss;
His mannikins round him,
in tea-tray array,
His pea-hens beside him,
to make him seem gay.
{050}
It is said when he sleeps
on his state Eider-down,
And thinks on his Wife,
and about _half_ a Crown;
That he wakes from these horrible dreams in a stew;
And that, stretching his arms out,
he screams, Mrs. Q.!
He's cool'd on the M--ch-ss,
but I'm your debtor
For further particulars--
in a C letter.
You must know that he hates _his own_ wife, to a failing;--
And it's thought, it's to shun her,
he's now gone out
SAILING.
[Illustration: 058]
{051}
{052}
{053}
[Illustration: 061]
THE FORM OF PRAYER, WITH THANKSGIVING TO ALMIGHTY GOD,
To be used daily by all devout People throughout
the Realm, for the Happy Deliverance of Her
Majesty QUEEN CAROLINE From the late most Traitorous Conspiracy.
Eighth Edition.
LONDON:
Printed for WILLIAM HONE, 45, Ludgate Hill; and
sold by all Booksellers in the United Kingdom. 1820. _Price
Six-pence._
{054}
THE ORDER FOR DAILY PRAYER THROUGHOUT THE YEAR.
_At the beginning of Morning and Evening Prayer the
Minister may read with a loud voice some one or more
of these Sentences of the Scriptures that follow. And
then may be said that which is written after the said
Sentences, together with other suitable portions of the
usual Service._
{055}
WHEN the righteous are in authority, the people
rejoice: but when the wicked beareth rule, the
people mourn. _Prov. xxix. 2._
By reason of the multitude of oppressions they make
the oppressed to cry: they cry out by reason of the
arm of the mighty. _Job, xxxv. 9._
If a ruler hearken to lies, all his servants are
wicked. _Prov. xxix. 12._
The wicked walk on every side when the vilest men
are exalted. _Psalm xii. 8._
They are exalted for a little while, but they are
gone and brought low: they are taken out of the way
as all other, and cut off as the tops of green corn.
_Job, xxiv. 24._
A righteous man falling down before the wicked is
as a troubled fountain, and a corrupt spring. _Prov.
xxv. 26._
A wise king scattereth the wicked, and bringeth
the wheel over them. _Prov. xx. 26._
{056}
_This Hymn following may be used; one Verse by the
Priest, and another by the Clerk and People._
O GIVE thanks unto the Lord, for he is gracious:
and his mercy endureth for ever. _Psalm cvii. 1.
Let them give thanks whom the Lord hath redeemed:
and delivered from the hand of the enemy. Verse 2._
Many a time have they fought against me from my
youth up. _Psalm cxxix. 1._
_Yea, many a time have they vexed me from my youth
up: but they have not prevailed against me. Verse 2._
They have privily laid their net to destroy me
without a cause: yea, even without a cause have they
made a pit for my soul. _Psalm xxxv. 7._
_They have laid a net for my feet, and pressed down my
soul: they have digged a pit before me, and are fallen
into the midst of it themselves. Psalm lvii. 7._
Great is our Lord, and great is his power: yea,
and his wisdom is infinite. _Psalm cxlvii. 5._
_The Lord setteth up the meek: and bringeth the un-
godly down to the ground. Verse 6._
_Two Psalms appointed in the Book of Common Prayer
to be said on the 29th of each month throughout the year._
PSALM CXL. _Eripe me, Domine._.
DELIVER me, O Lord, from the evil man: and
preserve me from the wicked man.
2 Who imagine mischief in their hearts: and stir
up strife all the day long.
3 They have sharpened their tongues like a ser-
pent: adders' poison is under their lips.
4 Keep me, O Lord, from the hands of the un-
godly: preserve me from the wicked men, who are
purposed to overthrow my goings.
{057}
5 The proud have laid a snare for me, and spread
a net abroad with cords: yea, and set traps in my
way.
6 I said unto the Lord, Thou art my God: hear
the voice of my prayers, O Lord.
7 O Lord God, thou strength of my health: thou
hast covered my head in the day of battle.
8 Let not the ungodly have his desire, O Lord:
let not his mischievous imagination prosper, lest they
be too proud.
9 Let the mischief of their own lips fall upon the
head of them: that compass me about.
10 Let hot burning coals fall upon them: let them
be cast into the fire, and into the pit, that they never
rise up again.
11 A man full of words shall not prosper upon the
earth: evil shall hunt the wicked person to overthrow
him.
12 Sure I am that the Lord will avenge the poor:
and maintain the cause of the helpless.
IS The righteous also shall give thanks unto thy
Name: and the just shall continue in thy sight.
PSALM CXLI. _Domine clamavi._
LORD, I call upon thee, haste thee unto me and
consider my voice when I cry unto thee.
2 Let my prayer be set forth in thy sight as the
incense: and let the lifting up of my hands be an
evening sacrifice.
3 Set a watch, O Lord, before my mouth: and
keep the door of my lips.
4 O let not mine heart be inclined to any evil
thing: let me not be occupied in ungodly works with
the men that work wickedness, lest I eat of such
things as please them.
{058}
5 Let the righteous rather smite me friendly: and
reprove me.
6 But let not their precious balms break my head:
yea, I will pray yet against their wickedness.
7 Let their judges be overthrown in stony places:
that they may hear my words, for they are sweet.
8 Our bones lie scattered before the pit: like as
when one breaketh and hevveth wood upon the earth.
9 But mine eyes look unto thee, O Lord God: in
thee is my trust, O cast not out my soul.
10 Keep me from the snare that they have laid for
me: and from the traps of the wicked doers.
11 Let the ungodly fall into their own nets toge-
ther: and let me ever escape them.
_The Suffrages may be as followeth._
Priest. O Lord, save the Queen.
People. Who putteth her trust in thee.
Priest. Send her help from thy holy place.
People. And evermore mightily defend her.
Priest. Let her enemies have no advantage against
her.
People. Let not the wicked approach to hurt her.
_After the Collects_ [for Peace and Deliverance from
our Enemies] _may be said that which followeth._
ALMIGHTY God and heavenly Father, who of thy
gracious providence, and tender mercy towards
us, didst prevent the malice and imaginations of our
enemies, by discovering and confounding their horrible
and wicked Enterprize, plotted and intended to have
been executed against the Queen and the whole State
of _England_, for the subversion of the Government
and Religion established among us; and didst like-
wise wonderfully conduct thy Servant Queen _Caroline_,
and bring her safely into _England_, and preserve us
from the attempts of our enemies to bereave us of our
religion and laws: We most humbly praise and mag-
nify thy most glorious Name for thy unspeakable
goodness towards us, expressed in both these acts of
thy mercy. Let the consideration of this thy re-
peated goodness, O Lord, work in us true repentance,
that iniquity may not be our ruin. And increase in
us more and more a lively faith and love, fruitful in
all holy obedience; that thou mayest still continue
thy favour, with the light of thy Gospel, to us and
our posterity for evermore. _Amen._
{059}
_Prayer._
ALMIGHTY God, who hast in all ages shewed
thy Power and Mercy in the protection of
righteous States from the wicked conspiracies, and
malicious practices of all the enemies thereof: We
yield thee our unfeigned thanks and praise, for the
wonderful and mighty deliverance of our gracious
Queen CAROLINE, by cruel treachery appointed as
a sheep to the slaughter, in a most barbarous and
savage manner, beyond the examples of former ages.
From this unnatural conspiracy, not our merit, but
thy mercy; not our foresight, but thy providence
delivered us: And therefore not unto us, O Lord,
not unto us, but unto thy Name be ascribed all
honour and glory, in all Churches of the saints, from
generation to generation. _Amen._
_Instead of the Prayer_ [In time of War and Tu-
mults] _may be used this Prayer following._
{060}
ETERNAL God, and our most mighty Protector,
we thy unworthy servants do humbly present
ourselves before thy Majesty, acknowledging thy
power, wisdom, and goodness, in preserving the
Queen from the destruction intended against her.
Make us, we beseech thee, truly thankful for this,
and for all other thy great mercies towards us; par-
ticularly we bless thee for giving Her Majesty a safe
arrival here, and for making all opposition fall before
her. We beseech thee to protect and defend her
from all treasons and conspiracies; Preserve her in
thy faith, fear, and love; prosper her with long hap-
piness here on earth; and crown her with everlasting
glory hereafter. _Amen._
_The following may be said or sung, one Verse by the
Priest, another by the Clerk and People._
Grant the Queen a long life: and make her glad
with the joy of thy countenance. _Psalm Ixi. 6._ and
xxi. 6.
_Let her dwell before thee for ever: O prepare thy
loving mercy and faithfulness, that they may preserve her._
Psalm lxi. 7.
In her time let the righteous flourish: and let peace
be in all our borders. _Psalm Ixxii. 7_. and cxlii. 14.
_As for her enemies, clothe them with shame: but upon
herself let her crown flourish._ Psalm cxxxii. 19.
_Also this._
Thou art the God that hast no pleasure in wicked-
ness: neither shall any evil dwell with thee. _Psalm
v. 4._
_Thou wilt destroy them that speak leasing: the Lord
abhors both the blood-thirsty and deceitful man._ ver: 6.
O how suddenly do they consume: perish, and
come to a fearful end! _Psalm_ lxxiii. 18.
_Yea, even like as a dream, when one awaketh: so
didst thou make their image to vanish out of the city._
ver. 19.
_This Sentence may be read at the Offertory._
{061}
Whatsoever ye would that men should do to you,
do ye even so to them; for this is the law and the
Prophets. _St. Matt._ vii. 12.
_Also may be profitably read these Sentences._
There is a generation that are pure in their own
eyes, and yet is not washed from their filthiness.
_Prov._ xxx. 12.
Woe unto them that call evil good, and good evil;
that put darkness for light, and light for darkness;
that put bitter for sweet, and sweet for bitter! _Isaiah_,
v. 20. '
Woe unto you Scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! for
ye make clean the outside of the cup and of the platter.
_Matt_, xxiii. 25.
But your inside is full of ravening and wickedness.
_Luke_, xi. 39.
Woe unto you Scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites!
for ye are as graves which appear not, and the men
that walk over them are not aware of them. _Luke,_
xi. 44.
His own iniquities shall take the wicked himself,
and he shall be holden with the cords of his sins.
_Prov._ v. 22.
He shall die without instruction; and in the great-
ness of his folly he shall go astray. _Prov_. v. 23.
The congregation of hypocrites shall be desolate
and fire shall consume the tabernacles of bribery.
_Job_, xv. 34.
_After the Prayer_ [For the whole State of Christ's
Church, &c.] _this Collect following may be used._
{062}
ALMIGHTY God and heavenly Father, who, of
thine infinite and unspeakable goodness towards
us, didst in a most extraordinary and wonderful man-
ner disappoint and overthrow the wicked designs of
those traitorous, heady, and high-minded men, who,
under the pretence of Religion and thy most holy
Name, had contrived, and well-nigh effected the utter
destruction of thy Servant CAROLINE, our beloved
Queen: as we do this day most heartily and devoutly
adore and magnify thy glorious Name for this thine
infinite goodness already vouchsafed to us; so do we
most humbly beseech thee to continue thy grace and
favour towards us, that no such dismal calamity may
ever again fall upon us. Infatuate and defeat all the
secret counsels of deceitful and wicked men against
us. Abate their pride, asswage their malice, and
confound their devices. With judgment and justice
cut off all such workers of iniquity, as turn Religion
into Rebellion, and Faith into Faction; that they
may never prevail against us, nor triumph in the
ruin of the Monarchy. Protect and defend Her Ma-
jesty from all treasons and conspiracies. Be unto her
an helmet of salvation, and a strong tower of defence
against the face of all her enemies; clothe them with
shame and confusion, but let Her for ever flourish.
So we thy people, and the sheep of thy pasture, will
give thee thanks for ever, and will always be shewing
forth thy praise from generation to generation.--
_Amen._
_Or there may be sung or said this Hymn following:
one Verse by the Priest, and another by the Clerk
and people._
MY song shall be alway of the loving kindness of
the Lord: with my mouth will I ever be shew-
ing forth his truth from one generation to another.
_Psalm_ lxxxix. 1.
{063}
_The merciful and gracious Lord hath so done his
marvellous works: that they ought to be had in remem-
brance._ Psalm cxi. 4.
Who can express the noble acts of the Lord: or
shew forth all his praise? _Psalm_ cvi. 2.
_The works of the Lord are great: sought out of all
them that have pleasure therein_. Psalm cxi. 2.
The Lord setteth up the meek: and bringeth the
nngodly down to the ground. _Psalm_ cxlvii. 6.
_The Lord executeth righteousness and judgment: for
all them that are oppressed with wrong._ Psalm ciii. 6.
_This Collect may likewise be used._
O ALMIGHTY God, who art a strong tower of
defence unto thy servants against the face of
their enemies; We yield thee praise and thanksgiving
for the wonderful deliverance of these kingdoms from
the GREAT CONSPIRACY, and all the Miseries
and Oppressions consequent thereupon. We acknow-
ledge it thy goodness, that we are not utterly deli-
vered over as a prey unto our enemies; beseeching
thee still to continue such thy mercy towards us, that
all the world may know that thou art our Saviour and
mighty deliverer. _Amen._
_After the Prayer for the King, the Priest may say
thus._
Live joyfully with the wife whom thou lovest all
the days of thy vanity, which he hath given thee
under the sun, all the days of thy vanity: for that is
thy portion in _this_ life, and in thy labour which thou
takest under the sun. _Eccl_. ix. 9.
So ought men to love their wives as their own
bodies. He that loveth his wife, loveth himself. _Eph._
v. 28.
{064}
Let every one of you in particular so love his wife
even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence
her husband. _Eph_. v. 33.
It hath been said, whoever shall put away his wife,
let him give her a writing of divorcement:
But I say unto you, That whosoever shall put away
his wife, saving for the cause of fornication, causeth
her to commit adultery. _Matt_. v. 31,32.
_The Collect for God's protection of the Queen against
all her enemies._
MOST gracious God, we most humbly beseech
thee to protect thy Servant CAROLINE, our
beloved Queen, from all the dangers to which she may
be exposed; Hide her from the gathering together
of the froward, and from the insurrection of wicked
doers; Do thou weaken the hands, blast the designs,
and defeat the enterprizes of all her enemies; that no
secret conspiracies, nor open violences, may disquiet
her; but that, being safely kept under the shadow of
thy wing, and supported by thy power, she may tri-
umph over all opposition; that so the world may
acknowledge thee to be her Defender and mighty.
Deliverer in all difficulties and adversities. _Amen._
_This may also be said._
LORD God of our salvation, who hast been ex-
ceedingly gracious unto this land, and by thy
miraculous providence didst deliver us out of our
miserable confusion; by restoring to us, and to her
own just and undoubted rights, our most gracious
Queen CAROLINE, notwithstanding all the power
and malice of her enemies; and to the great comfort
and joy of our hearts: We are here now before thee,
with all due thankfulness, to acknowledge thine un-
speakable goodness herein, and to offer unto thee our"
sacrifice of praise for the same; we beseech thee to
bless the Queen with all increase of grace, honour
and happiness, in this world, and to crown her with
immortality and glory in the world to come. _Amen_.
{065}
_Versicles._
As snow in summer, and as rain in harvest, so ho-
nour is not seemly for a fool. _Prov._ xxvi. 1.
The wicked are like the troubled sea, when it can-
not rest, whose waters cast up mire and dirt. _Isa_. lvii.
29.
Take away the wicked from before the king, and
his throne shall be established in righteousness. _Prov._-
xxv. 5.
When it goeth well with the righteous, the city
rejoiceth: and when the wicked perish, there is
shouting. _Prov_. xi. 10.
A false witness shall not be unpunished, and he
that speaketh lies shall not escape. _Prov_. ix. 5.
Great men are not always wise: neither do the
aged understand judgment. _Job_, xxxii. 9.
For the transgression of a land, many are the princes
thereof: but by a man of understanding and know-
ledge, the state thereof shall be prolonged. _Prov._
xxviii. 2.
As a roaring lion, and a ranging bear; so is a
wicked ruler over the poor people. _Prov._ xxviii. 15.
Better is a poor and a wise child than an old and
foolish king, who will no more be admonished. _Eccl_.
iv. 13.
His bones are full of the sins of his youth, which
shall lie down with him in the dust. _Job_, xx. 11.
Be wise now therefore O ye kings; be instructed
ye judges of the earth. _Psalm_ ii. 10.
{066}
PSALMS FROM THE NEW VERSION,
By N. BRADY, D. D. and N. TATE, Esq.
[Illustration: 074]
[Illustration: 075]
[Illustration: 076]
I. (Psalm 6.)
{068}
Reader,
It _seemeth meet to acquaint thee that the foregoing
Form of Prayer with Thanksgiving to be used Daily for
Her Majesty, hath been wholly compiled from Scripture,
and from certain Services and Forms appointed in the_
Book of Common Prayer: viz. _The Services for
Morning and Evening Prayer; the Form for the Day
of the Martyrdom of the blessed King Charles I.; the
Form for the Restoration of His most religions and
gracious Son, King Charles II.; and the Form for the
Day whereon the_ Church as by Law established _annually
celebrates the overthrow of the_ Tyranny _exercised by
His Most Sacred Majesty_ King James II. _and the
success of the Glorious Principles whereby His said
Majesty was providentially dethroned} and the_ Revolution
of 1688 _happily effected._
Farewell.
Printed by William Hose,
45, Lndgate Hill.
{069}
[Illustration: 077]
"NON MI RICORDO!"
&C. &c. &c.
LONDON:
PRINTED BY AND FOR WILLIAM HONE, LUDGATE HllL
1820.
SIXPENCE.
[Illustration: 078]
==>LOST, {070}at the Court Martial, Signor MY JOKEY'S
MEMORY, together with his Government Victualling Bill; both a little
damaged, and of no use but to the owner. Whoever will bring them to the
Publisher, in time to be restored to the Signor's disconsolate Mother,
Mrs. _Leech_, shall be rewarded with a "_Non mi ricordo!"_
"NON MI RICORDO!"
CROSS EXAMINED BY MR. BESOM.
WHO {071}are you? Non mi ricordo.
What countryman are you?--a foreigner or an englishman? Non mi
ricordo.
Do you _understand_ English? No not at all.
Will the Oath you have taken _bind_ you to speak the truth, or do you
know of any other Oath _more_ binding?
The Turnstile General objected to the ques-tion; upon which a
discussion arose as to the nature of the Oath likely to bind the
Witness, who ap-peared to be playing with a thread. The Witness was
accordingly asked, by way of illustration, to what degree he thought
the thread was _binding_, and whether he knew of any thing else _more_
binding?
The Lord Precedent Furthermore said, if the Witness believed the thread
he held was _binding_, that was sufficient.
The Lord Precedents opinion gave rise to a long discussion as to whether
_more_ binding was _binding_, and binding was _more_ binding; which
ended in a reference to the Erminians, who delivered the following
solemn opinion:--If the Witness shall answer that he thinks the bit of
thread is _binding_, there is no doubt it _is_ binding; but he cannot
be asked if a cord is _more_ binding, because he in fact says {072}that
the thread itself is _binding_. If the Witness twists the thread round
his little finger he is so far bound by it, and it is _binding_; and
having done that, it is unnecessary to inquire whether a cord, round
another part of his body, would be _more_ binding.
_Question over-ruled._
CROSS EXAMINATION RESUMED.
You are a master tailor, I think? I was cut out for a tailor.
You have been a tailor, then? I only follow tailoring as a mere
amusement.
Fond of _Goose_ I suppose--but pray Mr. Mere-amusement what is your
business? I was brought up a _Cabinet_ maker.
What can you get at it?--are you a good hand? I can't say I am; I'm
badly off; my _tools_ are worn out.
What is your place of residence?
(_Order Order_).
The Turnstile General protested against the consequences of this mode of
Examination.
Lord Juryman--Why does not the Interpreter give the Witness's Answer.
The Lord Precedent Furthermore--Because the Bench objects to the
question.
Lord MUDDLEPOOL--Does the Turnstile General object to the question.
The Turnstile General. I do object to it, my Lord. This is perhaps the
most important question that ever occurred. By this dealing out, the
party is placed in such a situation as he never was placed in before.
Mr. {073}Besom--I ask him where he now lives, and the Turnstile General
objects to this, because I do not put all the questions I might put, in
a single breath.
The Lord Precedent Furthermore--I feel great difficulty--I doubt..
Lord Wheelbarrow thought there was a _great_ deal in what the noble Lord
had said; and _he_ doubted.
CROSS EXAMINATION RESUMED.
How much money has been expended on you since you were born? Non mi
ricordo.
What have you done for it in return? More less than more.
How do you get your living? I was waiter for some years at the Hotel
_de Grand Bretagne_, and succeeded my father as head waiter at the
_Crown_ Inn.
What wages have you? Non mi ricordo.
Have you any perquisites? _Veils_.
Are you _head waiter_, or by what other name than head waiter you may be
called, at the Crown Inn?
I am after building a new place called the _Wellington Arms_, and trying
to be _Barrack-master_; if I dont gain the _Trial_ I shall be glad to
remain at the old _Crown_.
This answer appeared to excite considerable sensation,
The Twister General thought the meaning was,
'if I do n't gain what I attempt to gain.'
[The Short-hand writer was desired to read the answer, and the word
_Trial_ was retained as the correct translation.]
I {074}do not ask what you are to be hereafter, but whether you are
_still_ head waiter at the Crown?
The head waiter is dismissed occasionally.
Are you married? More yes than no.
Do you live with your own wife? No.
Is she in this country? Yes.
Why did you marry? To pay my debts.
Then why did you part? Because my debts were paid.
Were you not up to the eyes in debt? Si Signor.
Are you not bound to manifest some gratitude towards those who have paid
your debts?
The Interpreter said the witness was a mere _fanfaron_, and that he
found it difficult, if not impossible, to explain to the witness's
understanding what was meant by _gratitude_.
Cross Examination resumed.
Did not you write to your wife a licentious letter, called a letter of
license?--(_Order, order._)
I ask you again the cause of your separation?
She left me.
On what account? I did not like her, and I told her I'd have nothing to
do with _her_ any more.
After that what did you do? Oh, I rambled about.
Where did you go? To Jersey and elsewhere.
Well, Sir, go on. Non mi ricordo.
Do you mean to say that you never went to Manchester Square? More yes
than no.
Were you in the house on the footing of a private friend? No, not as a
friend.
You {075}mentioned your father just now:--you did not go in your
father's _cart_, I presume; in what sort of carriage did you go? In
the old yellow chariot.
How long did it take you to travel from Manchester Square to Richmond?
Non mi ricordo.
How many other places did you go to? Non mi ricordo.
Is the Marquis of C. a married man?
(_Order. Order._)
After you parted from your wife, on what terms did you live? I've been
_trying_ to get rid of her.
Do you know what Matthew says (c. v. v. 32.)?
Matthew? Matthew? (_trying to recollect_)--what Matthew?--he's no
friend of mine.
In what light do you consider your oath at the marriage ceremony? A
ceremony.
If your marriage oath has not bound you, can you expect people to
believe you if ever you should take a solemn public oath? More yes than
no.
By the Roman law, a divorce was granted for Drunkenness, Adultery, and
_False Keys_: what is your opinion of that law?
The Twister General said, that it was contrary to common sense to ask
the witness's opinion about any _Law_.
How many Wives does _your_ Church allow you? Non mi ricordo.
How many have you had since you separated from your own? Non mi
ricordo.
Are you a Member of the Society for the Suppression of Vice? Yes (_with
great energy_).
The Cross-examining Counsel said that the Interpreter had materially
altered the sense of the last question; {076}he had in fact asked, if
the Witness was Member of the Society for the suppression of _Wives, (a
loud laugh)_ which Witness had eagerly answered in the affirmative.
The Witness's answer was expunged, and on the question being repeated
correctly, he answered that he was told it was his duty to encourage the
_Vice_ Society, because it professed to diminish the influence of bad
example.
Have they ever prosecuted you? Me!--(_with astonishment_)--they like
_me_ too well!
What do you mean then by Suppression--is your Soeiety to prevent little
vice from being committed, or great vice from being found out?
More Yes than No.
It was here moved by Lord Le Cuisinier, that 4 o'Clock, the hour of
dinner, was arrived.
Another, in a maiden Speeeh, said, that during his long silence in that
Court he had had leisure to observe, that 4 o'Clock in the _morning_ was
a more usual hour of adjournment.
Another considered that Lord Le Cuisinier's suggestion ought not to be
entertained for a moment. We only exist in our formalities. If we suffer
ourselves to be put a stop to by the motion, we may find that we are
travelling round again into the obsolete usages of our early ancestors;
which will be to describe a circle that must be generally considered
as nothing less than a revolution! I therefore deprecate the least
innovation, and move, as an amendment, that 4 o'Clock is _not_ arrived.
The {077}Master General of the _Black_ Barracks at Exeter, rose without
his wig, and declaring, upon the memory of his whiskers, that he had
just heard it strike 4, he enquired whether the Clock was in _Order.
(Loud and continued cries of hear hear.)_
The Home DOCTOR felt his pulse alarmingly quicken one and a fraction in
the minute, and nervously said, that the clock was clearly guilty of a
barefaced libel and ought to be instantly held to bail for breach of the
peace. The simultaneous action of all the Clocks throughout the nation
and their open communication by circulars, was an index to the existence
of an organized correspondence and a systematic affiliation. He trembled
at the positive intelligence he had received, that millions at that
moment held their hands in an attitude ready to strike; but it was the
proudest day of his life that he had so far succeeded by a _circular_
movement of his own, as to enable his workmen to hold them to the peace
for an hour together.
Lord Bathos assured the Black-Barrack Master-General that the Clock
_was_ out of Order, and he congratulated the Home Doctor on his
efficiency; but he thought they had not sunk low enough into the
subject; for he had strong doubts whether the striking might not be
construed into an overt act of High Treason, and if he saw any
probability of being supported he should conclude with a substantive
motion. Did not the Lord Precedent remember a Clock Case, in which,
immediately after the chain had been locked up, a principal link
suddenly disappeared? and whether, after the most minute inquiry, there
was not every reason to believe from the best information that could be
obtained at that time, {078}that that link had been _prigged? (Hear
hear.)_ Take even the very last Clock Case, where the chain was kept
together with the greatest pains, and the utmost care. If the smallest
link in that chain had been _prigged_, it would have been fatal to the
works, and yet in that very case, two days after the chain was locked
up, a link was obtained, which, if sooner discovered, would have
lengthened the chain to the necessary extent, and brought home in the
most conclusive manner the guilt of the Clock. He therefore moved that
the Clock be examined, and the chain kept in their own custody, with
liberty to add to the number of links.
Lord Ratstail with his usual animation seconded the Motion.
Marquiz Boudoir moved as an Amendment, that the Clock being in contempt,
the _Black stick_ be ordered to _walk him_ in to-morrow. Seconded.
Upon this Amendment the following Amendment was moved and seconded, that
the word 'to-morrow' be expunged, and the word 'yesterday' be inserted
in its place. _Ordered._
Cross Examination resumed.
Does the Witness recollect whether he was at B--------? Non mi ricordo.
Who usually closed the Pavilion? I did.
Was it so close as to exclude any person outside from seeing what passed
within, or was it partially open? It was quite closed--When I could not
close it with C**** entirely, I did it with other pieces.
What do you mean by saying with other pieces?
I mean with other pieces of the same quality.
Symptoms {079}of impatience were now expressed, with loud cries of
_Withdraw, withdraw._
Do you remember any thing particular occurring one night? No.
Do you not recollect whether a new wing was added during the time you
and your mistress were absent? Non mi ricordo.
Do you know a certain Colonel Q.? Yes, he has _too_ little mustachios.
Are you a sober man? More no than yes.
How many bottles a day do you drink. Non mi ricordo.
Do you drink six bottles? Non mi ricordo.
Five bottles? Non mi ricordo.
How many nights in the week do you go to bed sober? Non mi ricordo.
Are you sober now? More no than yes.
Where do you spend your mornings? AtbCuraçao.
Where do you spend your evenings? At the _Cat and Fiddle._
What is your favorite dish? Trifle.
What is your favorite game? _Bag-at-L----_
What is your favorite amusement? The C.
After Dressing, Drinking, and Dreaming, what time remains for thinking?
Non mi ricordo.
I hold in my hand a list of immense sums of money that have been
advanced to you, how much have you left? None.
Well, but you have something to show for it? No.
How do you live? I have a _doll_-shop, and a large stable in the
country, and some _cow_-houses in different parts.
Are {080}not your favourite friends _horn_-boys and flashmen?--_(Order, order.)_
Can you produce a certificate of good character from those who _know_
you? Yes, from the _minister._
Pho! plio! do n't trifle; can you from any _respectable_ person?
More no than yes.
I understand you have the _scarlet_ fever, do you not know that it ends
here in a _putrid_ fever? Non mi ricordo.
You have many companions and advisers, but have you to your knowledge
one _real_ friend in the world; and if not, why not? Non mi ricordo.
By what acts of your life do you expect you will be remembered hereafter
? I shall not answer you any more questions; you put questions to me I never dreamt of.
Suppose every man in society were to do as you do, what would become
of society; and what right have you to do so, more than any other man
?--_(Witness greatly agitated?)_
The Witness from the _Grillery_ asked whether the _Cross_ Examination
was nearly concluded? _(Cries of Keep on!)_--Supposing that the
business would close to day at 4 o'clock, he had made a private
_assignation,_ although he was quite ready to _stop_ if necessary.
The Lord Precedent Furthermore was in favour of adhering to a square
rule; he had not entered the Court till five seconds past ten by his
_stop_-watch, {081}in consequence of consulting with his Wife upon
a motion-of-course which they had contemplated; and their further
deliberation had been postponed until after the adjournment to-day. It
was impossible to know what questions might turnout to be doubtful or
doubtless; yet adjourning at Five o'Clock would gain a delay of six
hours in the Week, and the _gaining of any thing_ he considered very
material in the present case.
An Adjournment then took place, the Witness remaining on
THE GRILLERY.
[Illustration: 089]
ADVERTISEMENTS EXTRAORDINARY
CONSPIRACY.
WHEREAS {082}a most abominable GANG, have caused to be published and
promulgated throughout the Nation a description of the infirmities and
necessities of our nature, of which decorum forbids the mention; and
also gross and inflaming allusions to the intercourse between the sexes,
and wanton and shocking exposures relating thereto; to the destruction
of youthful innocence, to the shame and disgust of matron modesty, and
to the horror of all heads of families: it is therefore proposed to
call an immediate MEETING, for the purpose of considering the best
mode of preventing an increase of this dreadful contamination, and of
securing the ringleaders of the Conspiracy, and bringing them to condign
punishment.
NEW VICTUALLING OFFICE.
TO CONTRACTORS.--Persons willing to supply this Establishment with
CAST-IRON REPEATERS, having duplex Movements, according to the Working
Models now in use as above, may send in Sealed Tenders, stating the
number they can instantly supply for immediate use, and the price
thereof at per hundred.
TO NACKERMEN.
THE old Hackney, Liverpool, who lately lost his paces, is _glandered,_
gone blind, got cruel vicious, tried to kick his mistress's brains
out, shattered himself to nothing, and is expected to go down with the
staggers. Any body who thinks it worth while to send a _drag_ to the
Stable yard may have him for fetching.
TO MANGLERS--JUST LEAVING HIS PLACE.
A STOUT ABLE-BODIED IRISHMAN, for a long time a master hand at mangling;
when he begins there is no stopping him, and never tires. Can fold
and smooth, and double and iron, all day. Will turn with any body. Was
formerly a master in Dublin, where his mangling will never be forgotten.
His Character may be had of any body there. Is very smooth spoken, of
good address, looks like an upper Valet, and is a perfect devil at his
Work. May be heard of at the Triangle in the Bird-cage Walk.
TO LAUNDRESSES, WANTS A PLACE.
AN old Woman accustomed to coarse things; and work, however filthy,
never comes amiss. Where she is now they find her in _ruin_, and she
finds dishclouts; but is leaving, being almost poisoned by printers'
ink. To save trouble, will have nothing to do with cleaning the House.
Is used to ironing, and putting by, in any quantities, and never tires
at hanging up. Can have an undeniable Character from the Rev. Mr. Hay,
and the Recorder of London.
STRAYED AND MISSING.
IN {083}Infirm Elderly Gentleman in a Public Office, lately left his
home, just after dreadfully ill-using his wife about half a Crown, and
trying to beat her. He had long complained a great deal of his forehead,
and lately had a leech put upon him. He was last seen walking swiftly
towards the Horns without a Crown to his hat, accompanied by some
evil disposed persons, who tied a great green bag to his tail full of
crackers, which he mistook for sweetmeats, and burnt himself dreadfully.
Every person he met in this deplorable condition tried to persuade him
to go back, but in vain. He is very deaf and very obstinate, and cannot
bear to be looked at or spoken to. It is supposed that he has been
seduced and carried off by some artful female. He may be easily known by
his manners. He fancies himself the politest man in Europe, because he
knows how to bow, and to offer a pinch of snuff; and thinks himself the
greatest man in Europe, because people have humoured him and let him
have his own way. He is so fond of tailoring, that he lately began a
suit that will take him his life to complete. He delights in playing at
soldiers, supposes himself a cavalry officer, and makes speeches, that
others write for him, in a field marshal's uniform. Sometimes he fancies
himself 'Glorious Apollo,' plays;Hailstones of Brunswick' on the base
fiddle, and qualifies his frieuds to perform 'Cuckolds all on a row.'
His concerns are very much deranged. Not long ago he imported a vast
quantity of Italian images at enormous prices, upon credit, and hoarded
them up in a waterside cotton warehouse. Since then, things have gone
all against him, and he has been in a very desponding state. It is of
the utmost consequence to himself that he should be at his post, or he
may lose his place; one of his predecessors some time ago having
been cashiered for his misconduct. If this should meet his eye, it is
earnestly requested that he will return to his duty, and he will be
kindly received and no questions asked.
N. B. He has not a friend in the world except the advertiser and a few
others, who never had an opportunity of speaking to him and letting him
know the real state of his affairs.
PUBLIC OFFICE, LUDGATE HILL.
1st September, 1820. "WHEREAS {084}that well known old established
Public House, (formerly a _free_ house) called the Political House that Jack built, has been
feloniously entered into and damaged, and the property therein carried
off to a large amount, by a numerous gang of desperate Villains, who,
by various vile arts and contrivances, have not only kept possession
thereof, but also of the Head Waiter, who was intrusted by Mr. Bull,
the owner, with the management of the concern, and was a very promising
young man when Mr. Bull first knew him, and might have done very well
if he had followed the advice of his old friends, and not suffered these
desperadoes to get him into their clutches; since when he seems to have
forgotten himself, and by neglecting his duty sadly, and behaving ill to
the customers who support the House, has almost ruined the Business,
and has also dreadfully injured the Sign, which Mr. Bull had had fresh
painted after he dismissed a former waiter for his bad manners. Whoever
will assist Mr. Bull in bringing the offenders to Justice, will be doing
a great service to the young man, and he will still be retained in his
situation, unless he has actually destroyed or made away with the Sign,
which Mr. Bull very much admires, it being a _heir-loom_. If offered to
be pawned or sold it is requested the parties may be stopped, and notice
given as above. As the young man has not been seen for some time, there
is no doubt the ruffians have either done him a serious mischief, or
secreted him somewhere to prevent Mr. Bull, who is really his friend,
from speaking to him.
[Illustration: 092]
"What are you at? what are you after?"
The End.
THE POLITICAL SHOWMAN-AT HOME!
[Illustration: 093]
{085}
EXHIBITING HIS CABINET OF CURIOSITIES AND CREATURES--ALL ALIVE!
By The Author Of The Political House That Jack Built.
With Twenty-Four Cuts.
[Illustration: 093]
"The putrid and mouldering carcase of exploded Legitimacy."
LONDON:
PRINTED FOR WILLIAM HONE, 45, LUDGATE-HILL.
1821.
ONE SHILLING.
[Ilustration: 095]
THE SHOWMAN.
Ladies {087}and Gentlemen,
Walk up! walk up! and see the Curiosities and Creatures--all {088}alive!
alive O! Walk up I--now's your time!--only a shilling. Please to
walk up!
Here is the strangest and most wonderful artificial Cabinet in
Europe!--made of nothing--but lacker'd brass, turnery, and papier
mâche--all fret work and varnish, held together by steel points!--very
crazy, but very curious!
Please to walk in, Ladies and Gentlemen--it's well worth seeing! here
are the most wonderful of all wonderful Living Animals. 'Jake care!
Don't go within their reach-they mind nobody but me! A short time ago
they got loose, and, with some other vermin that came from their holes
and corners, desperately attacked a Lady of Quality; but, as luck would
have it, I, and my (four and twenty men,' happened to come in at the
very moment;--we 'pull'd' away, and prevented'em from doing her a
serious mischief. Though they look tame, their vicious dispositions
are unchanged. If any thing was to happen to me, they'd soon break out
again, and shew their natural ferocity, i'm in continual danger from'em
myself--for if I didn't watch'em closely they'd destroy me. As the clown
says, 'there never was such times,'--so there's no telling what tricks
they may play yet.
Ladies and Gentlemen,--these animals have been exhibited at Court,
before the King, and all the Royal Family! Indeed His Majesty is so
fond of'em that he often sees'em in private, and feeds'em; and he is
so diverted by'em that he has been pleased to express his gracious
approbation of all their motions. But they're as cunning as the old one
himself! Bless you, he does not know a thousandth part of their tricks.
You, Ladies and Gentlemen, may see'em just as they are!--the Beasts and
Reptiles--all alive! alive O! and the Big Boo by--all a-light! a-light
O!
Walk in, Ladies and Gentlemen! walk in! just a-going to
begin.--Stir'em up! Stir'em up there with the long pole!
Before I describe the Animals, please to look at the Show-Cloth
opposite:
The Curiosities have labels under them, which the company can read.
[Illustration: 097]
{089}
THE TRANSPARENCY, of which this is a copy, was exhibited by WILLIAM HONE
duriNg the ILLUMINATION commencing on the 11th, and ending on the 15th
of November, 1820,in celebration of the VICTORY obtained by ThE PRESS,
or the LIBERTIES OF THE PEOPLE, which had been assailed in the Person
of The Queen: The words "TRIUMPH OF THE PRESS," being displayed in
variegated lamps as a motto above it. On the 26th, when The Queen went
10 St. Paul's, it was again exhibited with Lord Bacon's immortal words,
"KNOWLEDGE IS POWER," displayed in like manner.--'The Transparency was
painted by Mr. GEORGE CRUIKSHANK.
--COURT VERMIN that buzz round
And fly-blow the King's ear; make him suspect
His wisest, faithfullest, best counsellors--
Who, for themselves and their dependants, seize
All places, and all profits; and -who wrest,
To their own ends, the statutes of the land,
Or safely break them.
Southey's Joan of Arc.
DIALOGES OF CREATURES MORALYSED.
PROLOGE.
To exalt virtue, expose vice, promote truth, and help men to
serious reflection, is my first moving cause and last
directed.
De Foe's Review, Preface.
----Oh that I dared
To basket up the family of plagues
That waste our vitals; peculation, sale
Of honour, peijury, corruptiou, frauds
By forgery, by subterfuge of law,
By tricks and lies---
Then cast them, closely bundled, every brat
At the right door!
Cowper.
"JUGLATOR REGIS." Strutt's Sports
---a most officious Drudge,
His face and gown drawn out with the same budge,
His pendant Pouch, which is both large and wide,
Looks like a Letters-patent:------
He is as avful, as he had been sent
From Moses with the eleventh commandement.
Corbet's Poems, 1672, p. 3.
[Illustration: 100]
{092}
BAGS.--_(a Scruple Balance.)_
-----'tis the veriest madness, to live poor,
And die with _Bags_----
Gifford's Juvenal, Sat. xiv.
Dubius is such a _scrupulous_ good man.--
Yes--you may catch him tripping, if you can!
He would not, with a peremptory tone,
Assert the nose upon his face his own.
With hesitation, admirably slow,
He humbly hopes--presumes--it may be so.
Through constant dread of giving truth offence,
He ties up all his hearers in suspense!
His sole opinion, whatsoe'er befall,
Cent'ring, at last, in having--none at all.
Cowper.
Well! he is a _nimble_ gentleman; set him upon Bankes, his horse, in a
saddle rampant, and it is a great question, which part of the Centaur
shews better tricks.
{093}
[Illustration: 101]
A CROCODILE.
Ladies and Gentlemen,
I begin the Exhibition with the Crocodile, which is of the Lizard tribe
; yet, from his _facility of creeping through narrow and intricate
ways,_ he has been classed among Serpents. * He has a monstrous
appetite, his _swallow_ is immense, and his legs are placed _side_-ways.
It is a vulgar error to suppose that he cannot _turn_; for, although
he is in appearance very heavy, and his back is very strong, and proof
against the hardest blows, yet he is so _pliable_, that he can _wheel_
round with the utmost facility. When in his haunt, and apparently
torpid, he sometimes utters a piteous _whine_ of distress--almost human;
_sheds tears_, and, attracting the unwary, suddenly darts upon a man,
and gorges him with all he has. His _claws_ are very long and tenacious.
If a victim eludes his grasp, he infallibly secures him by his fleet
power. He is sometimes used for purposes of _state and show_, and his
bags are much coveted for their _peculiar_ qualities. **
* By Linnaeus.
** Goldsmith's Animated Nature, v. 283.
{094}
[Illustration: 102]
A MASK.--(an Incrustation--a Relique.)
A shallow brain behind a serious mask,
An oracle within an empty cask,
A solemn fop.--
--A sooty Film.
Cowper.
----------The Thing on Earth
Least qualified in honour, learning, worth,
To occupy a sacred, awful post,
In which the best and worthiest tremble most.
The royal letters are a thing of course,
A King, that would, might recommend his horse;
And deans, no doubt, and chapters, with one voice,
As bound in duty, would confirm the choice.
****
A piece of mere Church-furniture at best.
{097}
[Illustration: 105]
THE LOCUST.
Ladies and Gentlemen,
The Locust is a destructive insect, of the Grillus tribe. They are
so numerous, and so rapacious, that they may be compared to an army,
pursuing its march to devour the fruits of the earth, as an instrument
of _divine displeasure_ towards a devoted country. They have leaders,
who direct their motions in preying on the labours of man _in fertile
regions_. No insect is more formidable in places where they breed: for
they _wither_ whatever they _touch_. It is impossible to recount the
_terrible devastations_ which historians and travellers relate that they
have committed at different times, in various parts of the world. Many
are so _venomous_, that persons _handling_ them are immediately stung,
and seized with shivering and trembling; but it has been discovered
that, in most cases, their hateful qualities are completely assuaged by
_palm_ oil.*
* Goldsmith, vi. 21.
{096}
[Illustration: 104]
A SCORPION.
Ladies and Gentlemen,
The Scorpion is a reptile that resembles the _common lobster_, but is
much more hideous. They are very terrible to mankind, on account of
their size and malignity, and their large _crooked stings_. They often
assault and kill people in their houses. In Italy, and some other parts
of Europe, they are the greatest pests of mankind; but their venom is
most dreadful in the _East_. An inferior species sally forth at certain
seasons, in battalions;--scale houses that stand in the way of their
march;--wind along the course of rivers;--and on their retreat entrench
themselves. Scorpions are so irascible, that they will attempt to sting
a _constable's staff_; yet even a harmless little mouse * destroyed
three of them, _one after the other_, by acting on the _defensive_,
survived their venomous wounds, and seemed pleased with its victory.
When in a confined space, they exert all their rage against each other,
and there is nothing to be seen but universal carnage. If this mutual
destruction did not prevail, they would multiply so fast as to render
some countries uninhabitable. **
* Confined for the sake of experiment in a vessel, by
Maupertuis.
** Goldsmith, v. 428.
{097}
THE LOBSTER.
----they preferre
Broiles before Rest, and place their Peace in Warre.
Du Bartas
Ladies and Gentlemen,
The Lobster is very similar to the scorpion. It is _armed_ with _two_
great _claws_, by the help of which it moves itself _forwards_. They
_entrench_ themselves in places that can be easily defended, where they
acquire defensive and offensive _armour_. They issue forth from their
_fortresses_ in hope of _plunder_, and to surprise such inadvertent and
weak animals as come within their reach. They have little to apprehend
except from each other, the more powerful being formidable enemies to
the weaker. They sometimes continue in the same habitations for a long
time together; in general they get _new coats once a year_. When in
_hot water_ they make a great noise, attack any one that puts a hand
towards them, and knowing their danger, use violent efforts to escape.
In a sufficient heat they _change their colours_.*
* Goldsmith, v. 163.
[Illustration: 105]
{098}
[Illustration: 106]
A PRIME CRUTCH.--
(From the Westminster Infirmary--Upper Ward).
He fondly 'imitates' that wondrous Lad,
That durst assay the sun's bright flaming team;
Spite of whose feeble hands, the horses mad
Fling down on burning earth the scorching beam;--
So made _the flame in which himself wasfired_;
The World the bonfire was--_when_ he _expired!_*
Like him of Ephesus, he had what he desired.
Fletcher's Purple Island.
* The 'Lad' died in the midst of war, ejaculating heaven to
save the country from the miseries of his system of misrule.
{099}
[Illustration: 107]
THE OPOSSUM.
Ladies and Gentlemen,
This is a _quick climbing_ animal; but is, in other respects, _heavy_
and helpless. When it is pursued on _level ground_ and overtaken, it
feigns itself dead, to deceive the hunters. A faculty in its _seat_,
enables it to suspend itself from a high branch, by that part, for a
long time together; and, in this position, watching for whatever is weak
that comes within its reach, it falls upon it and usually destroys it.
By this elevating power in its _nether end_, it not only seizes its prey
more securely, but preserves itself from pursuers: looking down on them,
in a sort of _upright_ position, heels upwards. It is very domesticated,
but proves a disagreeable inmate, from its _scent_; which, however
fragrant in _small_ quantities, is uniformly ungrateful when _copiously_
supplied. _It is a boroughing creature_. *
* Goldsmith, iii. 322 Stedman Shaw's Zoology
{100}
[Illustration: 108]
----Knaves, who, in truth's despite,
Can white to black transform, and black to white!
Gifford's Juvenal, Sat. iii.
When they were fewer, men might have had a Lordship safely conveyed to
them in a piece of parchment no bigger than your hand, though several
sheets will not do it safely in this wiser age.--Walton's Angler
They'll argue as confidently as if they spoke gospel instead of law;
they'll cite you six hundred several Precedents, though not one of
them come near to the case in hand; they'll muster up the authority of
Judgments, Deeds, Glosses, and Reports, and tumble over so many dusty
Records, that they make their employ, though in itself easy, the
greatest slavery imaginable; always accounting that the best plea which
they have took most pains for.--Erasmus of Folly, 96.
In other countries, they make laws upon laws and add precepts upon
precepts, till the endless number of them makes the fundamental part
to be forgotten; leaving nothing but a confused heap of explanations,
which may cause ignorant people to doubt whether there is really any
thin» meant by the laws or not.--Berkeley's Gaudentio di Lucca, 166.
In the country of the Furr'd Law-cats, they gripe all, devour all,
cooskite all, burn all, draw all, hang all, quarter all, behead all,
murder all, imprison all, waste all, and ruin all, without the least
notice of right or wrong: for among them vice is called virtue;
wickedness, piety; treason, loyalty; robbery, justice: Plunder is
their motto; and all this they do, because they dare. Gripe-men-all,
the Chief of the Purr'd Law-cats, said to Pantagruel 'Our Laws are
like cobwebs; your silly little flies are stopt, caught, and destroy'd
therein, but your stronger ones Break them, and force and carry them
which way they please. Don't think we are so mad as to set up our nets
tc snap up your great Robbers aod tyrants: no, they are somewhat too
hard for us, there's no meddllng with them; for they will make no more
of us, than we make of the little ones.'-- Rabelais, b. v. c. xi. xii.
{101}
BLACK RATS.--(Stuffed.)
Ladies and Gentlemen,
These are most pernicious animals. They borough, and prey on our food,
drink, clothing, furniture, live-stock, and every convenience of life;
furnishing their residences with the plunder of our property. They have
particular haunts, to which they entice each other in large numbers,
for the sake of _prey_; where they often do incredible damage to our
_mounds_, and undermine the strongest _embankments_. Sometimes they
hoard their plunder in _nests_, that they make at a distance from their
usual _places of congregating. * They are very bold and fierce. Instead
of waiting for an attack, they usually become the aggressors, and,
_seizing their adversaries by the lips_, inflict dangerous, and even
deadly wounds. While they subsist on our industry, and increase our
terrors, they make no grateful returns, and, therefore, mankind have
studied various ways for diminishing their numbers; but their _cunning_
discovers the most distant danger, and if any are disturbed or attacked,
in an unusual manner, the rest take the alarm, and, becoming exceedingly
shy, and wary, elude the most ingenious devices of their pursuers. When,
unhappily, you come in contact with one of these _vermin_, the best way
of dispatching it is by a single squeeze; but novices who hesitate,
are sure to prove sufferers. They have been found on a bench, so
_interwoven_ by their tails, that _by reason of their entanglement, they
could not part. ** A dead rat, _by altering the look of his head and
the appearance of his skin_, may be transformed into the appearance of
a much more _powerful_ animal; and this, Ladies and Gentlemen, _has been
considered a master piece in cheating._***
* White's Selborne, 4to. 75.
** Letters from Bodleian Library, i. 12.
*** Ibid.ii. 160, note. See also Goldsmith, iii. 169.
{102}
[Illustration: 110]
A CADGE ANCHOR.--(a Remora--a sucking Fish.)
What have we here? a man or a fish? A Fish: he _smells_ like a fish
; a very _ancient_ and fish-like smell; a kind of, not of the newest,
Poor John. Were I in England now (as once I was) and had but this fish
painted, not a holiday fool there but would give a piece of silver:
_there_ would this monster make a man; any _strange beast_ there makes
a man. His gabbling voice is to utter foul speeches, and to detract. He
is as disproportioned in his manners, as in his shape. As with age his
body grows uglier, his mind cankers.
* Caliban.
{103}
[Illustration: 111]
A WATER SCORPION.
Ladies and Gentlemen,
This offensive insect lives in _stagnant_ waters, continually watching
for prey. Its feelers resemble the claws of a scorpion; the eyes are
_hard and prominent_, the shoulders _broad and flat_. It wastes twenty
times as much as its appetite requires; one can destroy thirty or
forty of the libellula kind, each as large as itself. It is nevertheless
greatly overrun with a small kind of lice, which probably repay the
injuries it inflicts elsewhere. At certain seasons it flies to _distant
waters_ in search of food; but it remains where it was produced until
fully grown, when it sallies forth in search of a companion of the
other sex, and soon begets an useless generation.*
* Martyn's Diet. Nat. Hist. 2 vols, Folio, 1785.
He that maketh the wound bleed inwards--
Gives Liberty the last, the mortal shock;
Slips the slave's collar on, and snaps the lock.
What is his Character?-- A man of amiable Manners-- mild and civil.
Character of the Murderer of the Man.
I never judge from Manners, for I once had my pocket picked by the
civilist gentleman I ever met with; and one of the mildest persons I
ever saw was Ali Pacha.--Lord Byron.
{104}
[Illustration: 112]
DIRKPATRICK.
(a Petrified Putrefaction.--a Bloodstone.}
Moral.
I recommend it to all that read this History, that when they find
their lives come up, in any degree, to a similitude of cases, they will
inquire and ask themselves, is not this the time to repent?--De Foe's
Col. Jack, 1723, p. 399
{105}
[Illustration: 113]
THE BLOODHOUND.
Ladies and Gentlemen,
This is the most terrible animal in the Collection. Its character is
that of decided _enmity to man_; it hunts down those who endeavor to
regain their _Liberty_, and is called the _Ban_ Dog. When it scents a
human victim it follows his track with cruel perseverance, flies upon
him with dreadful ferocity, and, unless dragged off, tears and rends
the form until every noble feature of humanity is destroyed. It has an
exquisite smell for blood. The species vary little throughout the world
: there is scarcely any difference between the trans-atlantic _Spanish_
blood-hound and the _Irish_ wolf-dog, whose ferocity has been much
diminished by the animal being frequently _crossed_. It is still kept on
some of the old _royal grounds_.
{106}
[Illustration: 114]
THE DOCTOR.--(a Dejection)
In these days the grand "_primum mobile_" of England is CANT--Cant
political, Cant religious, Cant moral, but always CANT--a thing of
words, without the smallest influence upon actions; the English being no
wiser, no better, and much poorer, and more divided among themselves,
as well as far less moral, than they were before the prevalence of this
_Verbal Decorum._--Lord Byron on Mr. Bowles
Diary.--April 1st. I grew _melancholy_.--My father lying sick, told me,
in syllables, the _Philosopher's stone_.--It pleased God to put me in
mind that I was now placed in the condition I always desired.--I hung
three spiders about my neck (_for a charm_).--I kissed the king's
hand.--_Cotera desunt._--Elias Ashmole's Diary.
.
{107}
[Illustration: 115]
THE BOOBY.
Ladies and Gentlemen,
The _Creature_ you now see is a sort of _Noddy_ of the Gull kind.
Observe his uncouth form and his ludicrously wise looks! He is the most
stupid of the _feathered_ tribe; yet he has a _voracious_ appetite, and
an enormous swallow. You perceive that he feigns the appearance of being
_upright_, of seeming to comprehend objects he sees, of listening to
what he hears, and that he shakes his head with _gravity_, as though
he had a certain degree of understanding. His greatest pleasure is in
_standing still._ He has not sense enough to _get out of People's way_
; speaking to him or making _motions_ never disturb him. There is no
compelling him to the fatigue of _changing_ his position till he feels
a _blow_; for he keeps his place till he is approached quite close, and
_knocked down_. He is a living _full stop_. When he is _forced to
walk_, which is very seldom, he goes from _side to side_. Like others of
similar tribes, he boroughs. In this respect the union and affection of
these _Creatures_ towards each other is wonderful; for, when undisturbed
by the encroachments of _men_, they construct their _nests_ as
convenient as if they expected them to be _permanent_; arranging
their different places with such an amazing degree of uniformity, as to
resemble a _regular plantation_. Sometimes they draw up side by side,
in rank and file, and sit brooding together as if in deep counsel,
on affairs of moment--their _silliness_ and _solemnity_ exciting
involuntary _laughter!_ This _burlesque_ takes place, in particular,
about
{108}the month of _November_. The habits of these tribes are known
through those who visit the haunts they have forsaken for more obscure
_retreats_, where they can _build aloft_, and settle in their _nests_ at
ease: a practice which confirms the remark of a great naturalist, that
the presence of _men_ not only destroys the society of the _meaner_
animals, but even extinguishes their _grovelling_ instincts. Hitherto
the Booby has been considered of no service whatever; yet a similar
species, * by drawing a wick through the body and lighting it, is made
into a _candle_S. ** If this Booby could be thus used, the _illumination
of_ both Houses and the public offices might be speedily effected, and
the tribe he belongs to be rendered available to human purposes. At
any rate a skilful tallow-chandler might try his hand at converting the
_Creature_ into A TWOPENNY FLAT
[Illustration: 116]
{109}
[Illustration: 117]
THE SLOP PAIL.
Ladies and Gentlemen,
The "Slop Pail" being occupied by "Slop" keeping his _tri-colored_,
cockade in it, with the hope of bleaching it _white_, has become more
and more offensive daily, and will be kicked down.
The {110}GREAT BOOTS having been _out of order_, were _welted_, and
afterwards new _vamped, and polished._ Dr. Southey, _the Varnisher_, has
them in hand at present, and is '_doing them up_' as fast as possible.
Ladies and Gentlemen,
I thank you for your company. Opposite to you is a description of
The Monster that my people are now _hunting_ on the Continent. When
_destroyed_, its skin will be stuffed and preserved among the other
Antiquities and Curiosities in the _European Museum_.
Ladies and Gentlemen, I wish you _a good day.-- Keep_ to the right.
Walk steadily forward. The _Animals_ may make an _uproar_, but don't be
alarmed; I'll see you safe out. Remember they are _under my control_,
and cannot take a step beyond the reach of MY EYE
[Illustration: 118]
{111}
THE BOA DESOLATOR, OR LEGITIMATE VAMPIRE.
It overlays the continent like an ugly Incubus, sucking the blood and
stopping up the breath of man's life. It claims Mankind as its property,
and allows human nature to exist only upon sufferance; it haunts the
understanding like a frightful spectre, and oppresses the very air
witha weight that is not to be borne. Hazlitt's Political Essays and
Characters, p. 21.
This hideous Beast, not having at any time put forth all his _members_,
cannot be accurately described. Every _dark_ Century has added to his
frightful bulk. More disgusting than the filthiest reptile, his strength
exceeds all other _brute force_.
His enormous, bloated, toad-like body is _ferruginous: * the under
surface appears of _polished steel_. His cavern-like mouth is always
open to devour; his teeth are as _swords_, and his jaw-teeth as
knives'--as millions of _bristling bayonets_ intermingled with _black
fangs_ containing mortal venom. His roar is a voice from the sepulchre.
He is marked 'in form of a cross_, ** with a series of _chains_,
intersected by the triangle, *** and glittering colours, variegated with
_red_.
His aspect is cruel and terrible. He loves the _dark_, but never sleeps.
Wherever he makes his lair, nature sickens, and man is brutified. His
presence is 'plague, pestilence, and famine, battle, and murder, and
sudden death.' His bite rapidly _undermines the strongest_ Constitution,
and dissolves the whole into an entire mass of Corruption. He has no
_brain_, but the _walls_ of the skull emit a _tinkling_ sound, that
attracts his victims, and lulls them into _passive obedience_. In this
state he clutches them in his coils, and _screws and squeezes_ them to
destruction--_slavering_ them over, and sucking in their _substance_
at leisure. It is difficult to witness the half-stifled cries of his
harmless prey, or to behold its anxiety and trepidation, while the
monster writhes hideously around it, without imagining _what our own
case would be in the same dreadful situation._ *****
* Shaw's Zoology. Art. Boa, iii. 344.
** Ibid. 366.
*** Linnæus's Nat. Hist, by Gmelio, 8vo. (Jooes) 1816.
Art. Boa Constrictor, xii. 437.
**** Shaw's Zoology, iii. 339.
***** Macleod's Wreck of the Alceste, 291, 295.
His rapacity is increased by _indulgence_. He grinds, cranches, and
devours whole multitudes, without being satisfied. His blood is cold.
His ravening maw does not digest: it is an ever-yawning grave that
_engulphs_--a 'bottomless pit' continually crying '_give, give!_'
Sometimes he rests {112}from his labors,' to admire his loathsome
_limbs_, and _slime_ them over. He has no affections: yet he appears
charmed by the _hum_ of the insects that follow him, and pleased by the
_tickling crawl_ of the meanest reptiles-permitting them to hang upon
his lips, and partake of his leavings. But his real pleasure is in
listening to the cries of his captives, the wail of the broken hearted,
and the groans of the dying.
He lives in defiance and scorn of Providence, and in hatred to the
happiness of man. When distended with human carnage, and wet with the
gore of the innocent and the helpless, he lifts an impious _form_ to
heaven in solemn mockery. He was predicted of by the Seer of old, as the
Beast with many heads and crowns, bearing the name of Blasphemy.
The garish _colours_ that denote his malignity, excite only horror and
detestation in the lover of nature, and of his species. They are most
_lively_ when he is engaged in the work of death, and cause him to be
admired by the vulgar multitude, learned and unlearned, who hold him
_sacred_, pay him _divine honors_, call him _holy_, and fall down before
him as an object-of worship, while priests glorify him, and minister to
him, and pray for his murderous successes in the temples. Hence-the good
and the wise, in all ages, have devised and practised various methods
for the destruction of a Fiend that creates nothing but _terror and
imposture_, and between whom and rational man there is a natural
antipathy.
He is filled with the deadliest rage by the encreasing growth of the
_pop'lar Tree_S:--
THAT TREE, beneath whose shade the Sons of Men
Shall 'pitch their tenta in peace.
----Brissot murder'd, and the blameless wife
Of Roland! Martyr'd patriots, spirits pure,
Wept by the good, ye fell! Yet still survives,
Sown by your toil, and by your blood manured,
The imperishable TREE; and still its roots
Spread, and strike deep. ----
Southey's Joan of Arc, b. iii.
His existence is drawing to a close. It has been ascertained that the
way of putting him _quietly_ out of the world is by a consisting of the
_four and twenty letters_ * of the alphabet, properly _composed_, made
up in certain _forms_, covered with sheets of white _paper_. and well
_worked_ in a _Columbian_ Press. These Papers are to be _forced down his
throat_ {113}daily, _morning and evening_, and on every _seventh_ day
a _double_ dose should be administered. The operation is accelerated
by the powerful _exhibition_ of the Wood Draughts. In a short time his
teeth will fall out--he will be seized with catalepsy--in the last stage
of mortification, _he will_ sting himself _to death_;--and all mankind,
relieved from the deadened atmosphere under which they had been
_gasping_, will make the first use of their _recovered breath_, to raise
an universal shout of joy at the extinction of THE LEGITIMATE VAMPIRE.
* Philostratus relates that the Indians destroy the most
monstrous serpent by spreading _golden_ letters, on a field
of _red_, before his hole. They dazzle and confound him, and
he is taken without difficulty.
[Illustration: 121]
These Lords of pray'r and prey--that _band_, of Kings,
That Royal, rav'ning BEAST, whose vampire wings
O'er sleeping Europe treacherously brood,
And fan her into dreams of promised good,
Of Hope, of Freedom--but to drain her blood! Moore.
The End.
CATALOGUE
{114}
[Illustration: 122]
{115}
[Illustration: 123]
{116}
[Illustration: 124]
{117}
THE MAN IN THE MOON,
"If Caesar can hide the Sun with a blanket, or put the Moon in his
pocket, we will pay him tribute for light."--Cymbeline.
With Fifteen Cuts.
[Illustration: 125]
{118}
------"Is there not
Some hidden thunder in the stores of heaven,
Red with uncommon wrath, to blast the men
Who owe their greatness to their country's ruin
{120}
Dedicated
[Illustration: 127]
THE MAN IN THE MOON,
A SPEECH FROM THE THRONE, TO THE SENATE OF LUNATARIA
[Illustration: 128]
INTRODUCTION.
I lately dream'd that, in a huge balloon,
All silk and gold, I journey'd to the Moon,
Where the same objects seem'd to meet my eyes
That I had lately left below the skies;
{121}
And judge of my astonishment, on seeing
All things exactly, to a hair, agreeing:
The mountains, rivers, cities, trees, and towers,
On Cynthia's silver surface, seem'd like ours;
Men, women, children, language, dress, and faces,
Lords, Commons, Lackies, Pensioners, and Places,
Whigs, Tories, Lawyers, Priests, and men of blood,
And even _Radicals_--by all that's good!
In a long street, just such as London's Strand is,
'Midst Belles and Beggars, Pickpockets and Dandies,
Onward I went, between a brazen horse,
And a large Inn which bore a Golden Cross,
Then through a passage, narrow, long and dark,
That brought my footsteps to a spacious park.
It chanc'd that morning that the Sovereign Dey,
The Prince of Lunataria pass'd that way--
Gods! what a sight! what countless crouds were there,
What yells, and groans, and hootings, rent the air!
By which, I learn'd, the Lunatarian nation
Are wont to testify their admiration;
We don't do so on earth--but that's no matter--
The Dey went onward, midst a hideous clatter
To meet the Senators; for'twas appointed,
That, on that morning, He--the Lord's anointed--
Should make a grand Oration from the throne,
That his most royal pleasure might be known.
{122}
Respecting certain great affairs of State:--
I heard the speech; Oh! could the muse relate
The "_elegance_ the sweet "_distinctiveness_"
With which his Royal Deyship did address
That reverend body of Moonarian sages,
I'd write a book that should endure for ages.
Alas! such heights are not for me to reach;
I'll therefore, from my note-book, take the Speech,
And you must say, as'tis by Pope exprest,
"Give all thou canst, and _we_ will dream the rest!"
[Illustration: 130]
{123}
[Illustration: 131]
THE SPEECH.
MY L--rds and G--tl--n,
I grieve to say,
That poor old Dad,
Is just as--bad,
As when I met you here
the other day.
{124}
'Tis pity that these cursed State Affairs
Should take you from your pheasants and your hares
Just now:
But lo!
Conspiracy and Treason are abroad!
Those imps of darkness, gender'd in the wombs
Of spinning-jennies, winding-wheels, and looms,
In Lunashire--
Oh, Lord!
My L--ds and G--tl--n, we've much to fear!
Reform, Reform, the swinish rabble cry--
Meaning, of course, rebellion, blood, and riot--
Audacious rascals! you, my Lords, and I,
Know 'tis their duty to be starved in quiet:
But they have grumbling habits, incompatible
With the repose of _our_ august community--
They see that good things are with us come-at-ible,
And therefore slyly watch their opportunity
To get a share;
Yes, they declare
That we are not God's favorites alone--
That _they_ have rights to food, and clothes, and air,
As well as you, the Brilliants of a throne!
Oh! indications foul of revolution--
The villains would destroy the Constitution!
{125}
I've given orders for a lot of Letters,
From these seditious, scribbling, scoundrels' betters
N--d--n and N--rr--s, F--ch--r, W--t and H--y
'To _lie_, for your instruction,'
Upon the table;
From which said premises you'll soon be able
To make a fair deduction,
That some decisive measures must be taken,
Without delay,
To quell the _Radicals_,
and save our bacon.
And now, my faithful C--m--ns,
You must find
The means to raise the wind:
For Derry Down, and Sid, have thought it wise,
To have--_besides the Spies_--
A few more Cut-throats, to protect the rhino
Of loyal people,--such as you and I know.
Van's estimates will come before you straight;
And, I foresee
That your opinions will with mine agree,
No lighter weight
Can well be placed on
{126}
[Illustration: 134]
Who is, you know,
a very willing hack.
The revenue has fluctuated
slightly--
See the _Courier_--
But it's been found to be
improving nightly--
For two weeks past,--
therefore we've nought to fear.
Some branches of our trade
are still deprest,
And those dependant on them
wanting food,
{127}
_But that's a sort of
temporary evil_--
'Twill wear away:
perhaps'tis for the best
At all events,'twill do no good
To let the starving wretches be uncivil.
Five years ago, you know, our sad condition
Was partly owing to
'_the quick transition
From war to peace_'--then,
we had '_scanty crops_'--
Then, something else--and now--
our weavers' shops
Are full of _Radicals_,
and _Flags_, and _Caps_;
But '_temporary_' still
are these mishaps--
The 'quick transition's' gone,
the 'crops' are good,
And though the _Radicals_
may still want food,
A few
{128}
[Illustration: 136]
STEEL LOZENGES
will stop their pain,
And set the Constitution
right again.
My L--ds and G--tl--n,
The foreign powers
Write me word frequently that they are ours,
Most truly and sincerely, in compliance
With our most
{129}
[Illustration: 137]
HOLY COMPACT AND ALLIANCE,
The purposes of which
I need not mention--
You that have brains can guess
at the intention.
'Tis my most anxious wish,
now we're at peace,
That all internal discontents
should cease--
T' accomplish which
I see no better way
Than putting one-eyed pensioners
on full pay.
{130}
'The body of the people, I do think,
are loyal still,'
But pray, My L--ds and G--tl--n,
don't shrink
From exercising all your care
and skill,
Here, and at home,
TO CHECK THE CIRCULATION
[Illustration: 138]
OF LITTLE BOOKS,
Whose very looks--
Vile '_two-p'nny trash_,'
bespeak abomination.
Oh! they are full of blasphemies
and libels,
And people read them
oftener than their bibles.
{131}
Go H--df----t, Y--rm--th, C--le--gh, and C--nil--g
Go, and be planning,
Within your virtuous minds, what best will answer
To save _our_ morals from this public cancer;
Go and impress, my friends, upon all classes,
From sleek-fac'd Swindlers down to half-starv'd Asses,
'That, from religious principles alone,'
(_Dont be such d----d fools as to blab your own_)
Temperance, chasteness, conjugal attention--
With other virtues that I need not mention--
And from subordination, and respect,
To every knave in robes of office deck'd--
'Can they expect to gain divine protection'
And save their sinful bodies from dissection!
{132}
His Highness ceased--
The dissonance of Babel
Rose from the motley
Moonitarian rabble:
The yell of loyalty--
the dungeon groan--
The shriek of woe--
the starving infant's moan
The brazen trumpets' note--
the din of war--
The shouts of freemen
rising from afar--
Darted in horrid discord
through my brain:--
I woke, and found myself
on Earth again.
[Illustration: 140]
{133}
THE RIGHT DIVINE OF KINGS TO GOVERN WRONG!
Dedicated to the Holy Alliance
By The Author Of The Political House That Jack Built.
[Illustration: 141]
{135]
Dedication.
TO
THE VISIBLE AND INVISIBLE MEMBERS OF THE HOLY ALLIANCE.
May it please your Holinesses,
When a gang of desperate ruffians disguise themselves, and take the road
armed, it is a sure sign of robbery and murder; and it becomes the duty
of an honest man to raise a _hue and cry_, and describe the villains.
With that view, I dedicate to you this little book; in the hope, that
some who understand the _dead_ lan-guage of Despotism, may be induced
to translate it into the _living_ tongues of the good people of the
Continent.
I pray God to take your Royalty into his immediate keeping.
{136}
O! Dulness, if thy sons can learn one thing,
Teach but that one, sufficient for a King;
That which _thy_ Priests, and _thine_ alone, maintain,
Which, as It dies, or lives, They fall, or reign:
May ye, O Cam and Isis, preach it long,
'The Right Divine of Kings to govern wrong!'
Pope.
It was a maxim of the Constitution of this country that the King could
do no wrong. He had high authority for stating that _the King could not
commit Folly, much less Crime._ --Report of a Bishop's Speech.
If a King can do no wrong, why was King James II. banished? and if a
King can do wrong, why the plague are we constantly affirming that he
cannot? Either way we should stand self-condemned, and if we are not
set down as a nation of scoundrels, we must think ourselves pretty easy
under the appellation of fools.--Swift,
----------We love
The King, who loves the law, respects his bounds,
And reigns content within them: him we serve
Freely and with delight, who leaves us free:
But recollecting still that he is man,
We trust him not too far. King though he be,
And King in England too, he may be weak.
And vain enough to be ambitious still;
May exercise amiss his proper pow'rs,
Or covet more than freemen choose to grant:
Beyond that mark is TREASON.
--Cowper
{137}
PREFACE.
"Perish those poets, and be hush'd the song,
Which with this _nonsense_ charm'd the world so long,
That he who does no right, can do no wrong."
De Foe.
To condemn _nonsense_, especially in high places, is proper: there are
ancient precedents for it.
A thousand years before Christ, Nathan, a priest in the house of the
Lord at Jerusalem, knew that David the Lord's anointed, had not only
worked _folly_ in Israel, by committing adultery with a beautiful woman,
but had committed _crime_, by causing her husband to be put to death.
The honest priest charged both the folly and the crime upon the king!
He went up to his majesty with this Address: "_Thou art the man!_"
He prosecuted him at the bar of his own conscience, convicted him,
and passed sentence upon him--"_The sword shall not depart from thine
house!_"
Three thousand years after this, a priest, sent into an English House of
Lords by the nomination of the king, affirms there, that "he had 'high
authority' for stating, that the king could not commit _folly_. much
less _crime!"_ right? {138}If he does say this, I ask him, how
long, after oppression should be exercised through the prerogative by
virtually irresponsible ministers and be declared no wrong, he supposes
that a king of England could sit on the throne, or the bishops who
maintain the doctrine, sit either at its right hand in the Lords, or any
where else? I tell this bishop, that though the law may not suppose it
possible for a king of England to do wrong, because it intends him to
do right, yet if he _should_ do, and _continue_ to do, oppressive
wrong, not all the bishops of England, nor all the bayonets of all
the mercenaries of Europe, could keep that king upon the throne of an
oppressed people against their united will.
A king of England is not king in his own right, or by hereditary right.
The nation is not a patrimony. He is not king by his own power; but in
right of, and by the power of the law. He is not king above the law;
but by, or under, the law. All the authority that he has, is given to
him by law; and he can only rule _according_ to law: for were he to
rule _against_ the law, he would be _king_ against the law, and depose
himself. The law is the Sovereign, or paramount authority; hence,
a king of England is a subject; and in this respect, he and all the
people are upon a level before the law--they are all his fellow-subjects
; though, as chief magistrate, he is the _first_ subject of the law.
A king of England who regards the happiness of the people, and his own
safety, would not wish to be stronger {139}than the law founded on the
public will, makes him. More strength would be unnecessary to _his_
welfare, and hurtful to theirs. All power _over others_, from the
watch-box to the throne, tends to injure the understanding, and corrupt
the heart. A good King would not desire unlimited power; a bad one
would abuse it. He would become mad; and drive the people mad. A despot
is a demon. Artillery and fetters with the royal robe flung over
them--a cannon ball capped with the royal crown--animated by the royal
will--crushing, burning, and butchering liberty, property, and human
life--personify the power of an unlimited King.
The ensuing satire shows the folly and danger of such power. It is a
partial revival of the _Jure Divino_, written by Daniel De Foe in 1706.
After the lapse of a century, nearly the same reason exists for the
publication as the author adduced on its first appearance. It had never
appeared, he says, "had not the world seemed to be going mad a second
time with the error of passive obedience and non-resistance." It is not
precisely so now: the _people_ have not gone mad, but a _bishop_ has,
who may bite his brethren; and there is a slavish party of High Church
zealots and pulpit casuists in the country who virtually support the
doctrine--although if they attempt reducing it to practice, they may
dig a pit beneath the throne, and engulph the dynasty. To expose this
destructive doctrine, and disentangle the threads so artfully twisted
into snares for the unwary by {140}priestcraft, De Foe composed his
Satire. He was the ablest politician of his day, an energetic writer,
and, better than all, an honest man; but not much of a poet. The _Jure
Divino_ is defective in arrangement and versification. It is likewise
disfigured by injudicious repetition; a large portion is devoted to the
politics of the time, and it is otherwise unfit for republication entire
; but it abounds with energetic thoughts, forcible touches, and happy
illustrations. The present is an attempt to separate the gold from the
dross. The selection is carefully made; from the parts rejected the
best passages are preserved, the rhyme and metre are somewhat bettered,
the extracts are improved and transposed, and many additions of my own
are introduced. The production scornfully rejects the slavish folly,
senseless jargon, and venal hypocrisy, which pretend that power is from
God and not from the People. It defies those who draw upon scripture in
support of _Divine Right_ to show that scripture lays down any rules of
_political_ government, or enjoins any _political_ duties; or that
it does not leave the people to determine by their own reason what
government and what governors are best for themselves. It is a forcible
and argumentative satire against the _nonsense_ from hole-and-corner
and lawn-sleeve men; and presents a series of peculiarly strong and
quotable lines, to engraft on the common sense of the free-minded,
honest, and open-hearted of my countrymen. If it aids them in the
occasional illustration and emphatic expression of {141}their opinions,
the pains I have taken will be rewarded.
There is another reason for publishing this satire, besides the revival
of Priestcraft. Its twinbrother is alive. Kingcraft rears up its
terrific mass, muffled in the mantle of Legitimacy; its head cowled
and crowned, aud dripping with the holy oil of Divine Right; its eyes
glaring deadly hate to human happiness; its lips demanding worship for
itself. Denouncing dreadful curses against the free, and yelling forth
threatenings and slaughter, it stamps with its hoof, and coils together
its frightful force to fall on young Liberty and squelch it. Its red
right-arm is bared for the butchery of the brave who love Freedom and
dare contend for it. It has prepared its chains and dug its dungeons,
erected its scaffolds, aud sharpened its axes for the wise and
excellent of the earth; and its bloody banners are unfurled in insolent
anticipation of unholy triumph!--
------Still monarchs dream
Of universal empire growing up
From universal ruin! Blast the design,
Great God of Hosts, nor let thy creatures fall,
Unpitied victims at ambition's shrine!
So prayed the Bishop of London, (Porteus--not Howley) and so fervently
prays,
The Author Of The Political House That Jack Built.
{142}
THE SPIRIT OF DESPOTISM.
The above Rare and Extraordinary Book was privately printed in 1795,
without the name of either printer or bookseller, and so effectually
suppressed, that there are only two copies of it besides my own in
existence.
Its real value consists in exhibiting an entire and luminous view of the
causes and consequences of Despotic Power. Its enthusiastic and glowing
love of Liberty is unexcelled by any work written since; and for
clearness, richness, and beauty of style, it is superior to every
production of the Press within the same period All that the author
touches, he turns into gold. I regret to say that most probably I shall
never be at liberty to disclose his name.
Naturally desirous that such a work should be perused by all England, I
have reprinted it, verbatim, from my own copy; and, although containing
as much in quantity as a volume of Gibbon's History of Rome, it is sold
for _Eighteen-pence_.
WILLIAM HONE.
The _French_, instantly perceiving the transcendent
merit of the Spirit of Despotism, and its high importance at
this crisis, have translated it into their language, and it
is now read throughout France with the greatest avidity. I
intreat some good _Neapolitan_ to be the benefactor of his
Countrymen in like manner. It should be in the hands of the
free, and those who desire to be free, in all nations;--
_Austria_, for instance.
{143}
THE RIGHT DIVINE OF KINGS TO GOVERN WRONG.
BOOK I.
Thus Kings were first invented, and thus Kings
Were burnish'd into heroes, and became
The arbiters of this terraqueous swamp;
Storks among frogs that have but croak'd and died!
Cowper.
_Original Power--The ancient Gods--Tyrant-kings--The Apotheosis of
James II. in the Chapel Royal--Charles II.--Paternal Government--God
prescribed no Rules of Government--Origin of Kings--Saul._
Arise, O Satire!--tune thy useful song,
Silence grows criminal, when crimes grow strong;
Of meaner vice, and villains, sing no more,
But Monsters crown'd, and Crime enrobed with Power!
At vice's high Imperial throne begin,
Relate the _ancient_ prodigies of sin;
With pregnant phrase, and strong impartial verse,
The crimes of men, and crimes of Kings rehearse!
What though thy labour shall to _us_ be vain,
And the World's bondage must _its time_ remain;
Let willing slaves in golden fetters lie,
There's none can save the men who _will_ to die.
{144}
Yet some there are that would not tamely bow,
Who fain would break their chains, if they knew how;
And these, from thy inspired lines, may see,
How they choose bondage when they may go free.
He that can levy War with all mankind,
Retard the day-spring of the human mind;
Buy Justice, sell Oppression, bribe the Law,
Exalt the Fool, and keep the Wise in awe;
With pious Peter, * cant of heaven's commands,
Pray with his lips, and murder with his hands;
Insult the wretched, trample on the poor,
And mock the miseries mankind endure;
Can ravage countries, property devour,
And trample Law beneath the _feet of Power_;
Scorn the restraint of oaths and promised Right, **
And ravel compacts in the people's sight;
* Peter the Cruel, King of Caslile He married the daughter
of a Duke of Bourbon, whom he divorced, in order to renew
his connexion with a former mistress. His excesses
occasioned the people to dethrone him. He affected piety,
and to govern by divine right!
** Despots seldom keep engagements.--The People of Prussia
have a 'promised right' from their king of some years
standing. After the Battle of Waterloo, he promised them a
Constitution--but became a member of the Holy Alliance. In
1814, this king, with another of the fraternity, the Emperor
of Russia, was entertained at an expense of 20,028L. 7s.
10d. in Guildhall London, by the Corporation in Common
Council assembled, who also presented addresses of
congratulation to the worthies, on their having contributed,
by encaging Napoleon, to restore what the addresses called,
"the Legitimate dynasties." The result is, that the
legitimate Emperor of Russia backs the crusade on the People
of Naples; and the legitimate king of Prussia is as little
inclined to let the Prussians have a Constitution, as the
Corporation of London find it convenient to return the
14,000L. of the Bridge-House money which they borrowed
towards paying for the feast. The 'company they kept' and
the money they owe in consequence, must be a satisfactory,
because the only apology from the metropolis of the most
free country in Europe, to the Neapolitans, for not
assisting them in defending their national Independence, and
their new-born Liberty, against the combined attack of "the
Legitimate dynasties."
{145}
_That_ thing's a Tyrant!--and that _People Fools_,
_Who basely bend to be that Tyrant's tools!_
Examine then the early course of things,
And search the ancient roll of Tyrant Kings,
When the first man usurp'd upon his kind,
Assumed exotick right, assuming reigned;
Supreme in wickedness, more wicked grew;
First _forced_ a homage, then decreed it _due_.
Trace the first Tyrants to their fancied thrones,
Placed in that heaven that all their crimes disowns:--
If in the Royal lists some monsters reign'd,
Abborr'd by heaven, and hated by mankind,
By lust and blood exalted to a throne,
For all the exquisites of Tyrant known,
The meaner name of monarch they despise,
Alive, usurp the throne, and dead, the skies;
Above the clouds th' incarnate devil stands,
And nations worship with polluted hands!
Old Saturn, Bacchus, and high-thundering Jove,
And all the rabble of the Gods above,
Whose names for their immortal crimes are fear'd,
Monarchs and Tyrant-princes first appear'd;
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By rapes and blood the path to greatness stain'd,
By rapes and blood the glittering station gain'd;
Succeeding knaves succeeding Gods became,
And sin aspired to an immortal name!
The mighty wretches dwell among the stars,
And vice in virtue's glorious robes appears;
And Poets celebrate their praises there,
As Indians worship Devils that they fear!
Yet let us look around the world awhile,
And find a Patron-God for Albion's Isle;
Has she so many Tyrants borne in vain?
Has she no Star in the celestial train?
Heaven knows, the difficulty only lies,
In who's the fittest monster for the skies!--
Satire, reflect with care, due caution give,
Some -------- are dead, beware of those that live.
If thou too near the present age begin,
Truth will be crime, and courage will be sin!
Look back two ages, see where shines on high
Great James, the modern Bacchus of the sky;
But give him time before his ghost appear,
Lest his uneasy fame bewray his fear:
Alive, the patron of the tim'rous race,
Fear in his head, and frenzy in his face;
His constellation, were it felt beneath,
Would make men strive to die--for fear of death!
His exaltation with his crimes begin,
See how we worship in his _House of Sin_,
Aloft--we view the Bacchanalian King;
Below--the sacred anthems daily sing;
His vast excess the pencil's art displays,
And triumphs in the clouds above our praise:
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What can, with equal force, devotion move,
We pray below, and He's debauch'd above!*
Look lower down the galaxy and see,
In yon crown'd Goat another Deity;
His orgied reel and lecherous leer outvie
The old Priapian glory of the sky;
His furious lusts the other Gods deface
And spread his viler image through the place;
On obscene altars blaze unholy fires
To him, the God of all unchaste desires! **
* The Banqnetling House at Whitehall is now the Chapel
Royal, where sermons are preached and Divine service is sung
by the choir of the king's household. On the floor, are the
pews for the congregation, the pulpits of the clergy, the
altar with the sacramental vessels, and the other
arrangements for sacred wor-ship. On the ceiling, the
apotheosis of King James the First, painted by Rubens,
represents the king in different situations crowned with the
triumphs of drunkenness.
James the First held the highest notions concerning Divine
Right. He had a mighty desire to be a great tyrant, but was
merely a great driveller. He said on a certain occasion that
"_there is an implicit tie among kings, which obligeth them,
though there be no other interest or particular engagement,
to stick to, and right one another, upon an insurrection of
subjects._"--How-ell's Letters, B. 1. §. 2. Letter iii.
This obligation among kings _to right one another_, flows
from their 'Right Divine to govern wrong!' The _implicit
tie_ to suffo-cate liberty, wherever it appears, is co-eval
with tyranny--but it was never _openly_ avowed until the
present concert of kings. The Holy Alliance is--Despotism
shewing itself.
** It was for this king, Charles II., that the phrase, "our
Religious king," was invented by the Bishops.
If such Vicegerents are by Heaven appointed,
The Devil himself may be the Lord s anointed!
--De Foe
{148}
We turn disgusted from the contemplation
Nor seek more royal samples of our nation;
But leave Posterity to find the place
Of other heroes, of another race.
Europe, thy thrones have many a name in store,
As bright in guilt as any crown'd before;
Who, turn'd to Gods, shall shine in Poets' rhymes,
And faithful Hist'ry shall record their crimes.
The first _Paternal_ ruler of mankind
That e'er by primogenial title reign'd,
In dignity of government was high
But all his kingdom was his family.
His subjects--were his household and his wife;
His power--to regulate their way of life;
His sway--extended not beyond his gate;
That was the limit--of his regal state;
And every son might from his rule divide,
Be King himself, and by himself preside;
And when he died, the government went on
In natural succession to his son.
Next Families of mutual love and unity
Together join'd for friendship and _community_;
Form'd Laws, and _then_ the natural order was
To trust some man to execute the Laws.
Hence him they best could trust, they trusted--chose;
And thus a _Nation_ and a chief arose,
Both constituted by a mutual trust;
The people honest and the ruler just. *
* No hereditary king ever reigned in the world, but to
govern by laws and constitutions which were established
_before_ he came to be king.--Coke's Detection, vol. i. p.
13.
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'Tis plain, when man came from his Maker's hand,
He left him free, and at his own command;
Gave him the light of nature to direct,
And reason, * nature's errors to inspect;
No rules of Government were e'er set down,
Nature was furnish'd to direct her own;
The high unerring light of Providence,
Left that to latent cause and consequence.
* Reason is the image of God stamped upon man at his birth,
the understanding breathed into him with the breath of life,
and iu the participation of which alone he is raised above
the brute creation, and his own physical nature!--Reason is
the queen of the moral world, the soul of the universe, the
lamp of human life, the pillar of society, the foundation of
law, the bea-con of nations, the golden chain let down from
heaven, which links all animated and all intelligent natures
in one common system--and, in the vain strife between
fanatic iuuovation and fauatic prejudice, we are exhorted to
dethrone this queen of the world, to blot out this light of
the mind, to deface this fair co-lumn, to break in pieces
this golden chaiu!--Hazlitt's Political Essays, p. 57.
Society to regulation tends,
As naturally as means pursue their ends;
The wit of man could never yet invent,
A way of life without a government;
And government has always been begun,
In those who, to be govern'd, gave the crown.
He that would other schemes of rule contrive
And search for powers the people could not give,
Must seek a spring which can those powers convey,
And seek a People too that will obey.
At length paternal rule was less complete,
And as mankind increas'd became unfit;
The petty Lords grow quarrelsome and proud,
And plunge their little governments in blood.
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The factious rivals on pretence of _right,_
Urge on the people to contend and fight;
Invaded weakness to brute force submits,
Oppression rages, honesty retreats,
Justice gives way to power, and power prevails,
And universal slavery entails.
Thus broils arose, and thus the ends of life
Are miss'd in Wars and undecided strife!
Scotland, till late, exemplified the plan,
In many a feud, in many a Highland clan.
The Chief with whoop and whistling trumpet shrill,
Summons his slaves from ev'ry neighb'ring hill;
Tells them, his foeman's bull has stol'n his cow,
And dire revenge th' obedient vassals vow;
With mighty targe, and basket-hilted knife,
Battle and blood decide the petty strife;
The namelings fight, because the lord commands,
And wild confusion rules th' ungovern'd lands!
The _hunter-tribes_, at first, wild beasts pursued,
And then to chase mankind they left the wood;
Became Banditti, Captains, Chieftains, Kings,
And Tyrants, by the natural course of things!
As he that ravaged most could rule the best,
So he grown King that first subdued the rest,
By fraud and force his _guilty power_ maintains,
Wheedles mankind to please themselves with chains,
With selfish Kingcraft calls it Right Divine,*
And subtle Priestcraft sanctifies his _line_.
*Priestcraft n. s. [priest and craft.] Religious frauds;
management of wicked priests to gain power.--Johnson.
Kingcraft n. s. [king and craft.] Royal frauds;
management of wicked kings to gain power.
{151}
"Kings are as Gods."--Indeed!--why then they must
Like God be _sacred_,--but like God _be just_.
If in a King a vicious lust prevails,
The people see it, and the Godship fails. *
* The time has been when rulers have actually claimed the
title of _God's vicegerents,_ and have been literally
worshipped as gods by the servile crew of courtiers;--men
gradually bowed down by despotism from the erect port of
native dignity, and driven, by fear, to crouch under the
most degrading of all superstition, the political idolatry
of a base fellovv-creature.--After all the lan-guage of
court adulation, the praises of poets and oiators, the
statues and monuments erected to their fame, the malignant
consequences of their actions prove them to have been no
other than conspirators against the improvement and happi-
ness of the human race. What were their means of conduct-ing
their governments, of exercising this office of Heaven's
vicegerents? Crafty, dishonest arts, oppression, extortion,
and, above all, fire and sword. They dared to ape the
thunder and lightning of Heaven, and, assisted by the
machinations of the grand adversary of man, rendered their
imitative contrivances for destruction more terrible and
deadly than the original. Their imperial robe derived its
deep crimson colour from human blood; and the gold and
diamonds of their diadems were accumulated treasures wrung
from the famished bowels of the poor, born only to toil for
others, to be robbed, to be wounded, to be trodden under
foot, and forgotten in an early grave. How few, in com-
parison, have reached the age of three score and ten, and
yet, in the midst of youth and health, their days lifive
been full of labour and sorrow. Heaven's vicegerents seldom
bestowed a thought npon them, except when it was necessary
either to inveigle or to force them to take the sword and
march to slaughter. Where God caused the sun to shine gaily,
and scattered plenty over the land, his vicegerents diffused
famine and solitude. The valley, which laughed with corn,
they watered with the tear of artificial hunger and distress
; the plain that was bright with verdure, and gay with
flowerets, they dyed red with gore. They operated on the
world as the blast of an east wind, as a pestilence, as a
deluge, as a conflagration.--It is an incontrovertible
axiom, that all who are born into tlie world, have a right
to be as happy in it as the un-avoidable evils of nature,
and their own disordered passions will allow. The gtand
object of all good government, of all govern-ment that is
not an usurpation, must be to promote this happi-ness, to
assist every individual in its attainment and security. A
government chiefly anxious about the emoluments of office,
chiefly employed in augmenting its own power, and
aggrandizing its obsequious instruments, while it neglects
the comfort and safety of individuals in middle or low life,
is despotic and a nui-sance. It is founded on folly as well
as wickedness, and, like the freaks of insanity, deals
mischief and misery around, without be-ing able to ascertain
or limit its extent and duration. If it should not be
punished as criminal, let it be cosrced as dangerous. --
Spirit of Despotism, p. 90.
The greatest curses any age have known
Have issued from the temple, or the throne;
Extent of ill from kings at first begins,
But priests must aid, and consecrate their sins.
The tortured subject might be heard complain,
When sinking nnder a new weight of chain,
Or more rebellious, might perhaps repine,
When tax'd to dow'r a titled concubine,
But the priest christens all a _Right Divine! _
_Hor. Walpole's Epistle from Florence._
{152}
Talks he of 'sacred' _then_,--the man's a fool;
His high pretence a joke and ridicule;
Abandon'd to his crimes he soon will find
Himself abandon'd too, by all mankind;
With th' Assyrian Monarch turn'd to grass,
As much a Tyrant, and as much an ass!
{153}
Externals take from _Majesty_, the rest
Is but--a thing at which we laugh--_a jest!_
Let us to Scripture History appeal,
And see what truths its ancient rolls reveal:--
That great authority which Tyrants boast,
As most confirming, will confound them most!
When Israel with unheard of murmurs first,
Pray'd to indulgent Heaven they might be curst,
Rejected God, scorn'd his Almighty rule,
And made themselves their children's ridicule,
A standing banter, future ages' jest,
As damn'd to slavery at their own request--
With what just arguments did Samuel plead,
Give them the Tyrant's character to read;
Explain the lust of an ungovern'd man,
Show them the danger, preach to them in vain;
Tell them the wretched things they'd quickly find,
Within the pleasing name of King combined;
Deign with their'wilder'd crowds t' expostulate,
And open all the dangers of their fate!--
Yet they sought ruin with unwearied pains,
And begg'd for fetters, slavery, and chains!
But, it's replied, heaven heard its suppliant's prayer,
Itself chose out the King, and plac'd him there;
Disown'd the People's right, and fix'd their choice
In providence, and not the people's voice;
From whence the claim of right by regal line,
Made Israel's Kings be Kings by Right Divine.
Yes, Saul was King by God's immediate hand--
But' _twas in judgment to afflict the land!_
In granting He corrected the request,
A king He gave them, but _withheld the rest;_
{154}
Gave all that they pretended to require,
But in the gift he punish'd the desire;
He gave a plague, the very selfsame thing
They ask'd, when they petition'd for a King!
For 'tis remarkable when Samuel saw,
They'd have a King in spite of sense or law,
He told the consequences to the land,
And all the mischiefs that the Word contain'd;
Told them, that Kings were instruments design'd,
Not to improve, but to correct mankind!
Told them the Tyrant would insult their peace,
And plunder them of all their happiness!
Told them, that Kings were but exalted thieves,
Would rob men first, and then would make them slaves!
Then drew the picture of a monster crown'd,
Ask'd them, if such a villain could be found, *
Whether they'd like him, and their tribute bring?
They answer, Yes:--let such a man be King!
* It is remarkable, that a king scarcely ever exercised
tyran-nical power over the people, but it was mingled with
ungoverned vice in himself. Men of virtue and moderation
seldom, if ever, turn tyrants. Despotic rule gives the reins
to lust, and makes the errors of government, and the crimes
of life, mix together. It is the high road to cruelty and
brutalizing selfishness.--A king of France took out his
watch when he guessed that the axe was cutting off the head
of his favoritè, and said; 'My dear friend must make a sad
figure just now!'--A hill in Richmond Park is still shewn as
remarkable for having been the station from whence Henry
VIII. eagerly looked out for the ascent of a rocket at
London, announcing to the impatient tyrant the precise
moment when one of his wives was suffering death on the
scaffold!
And is a Tyrant King your early choice?
"_Be Kings your plague!_" said the Eternal's voice;
And with this mighty curse he gave the crown,
And Saul, to Israel's terror, mounts the throne!
Now, Muse, the parallel with caution bring,
On what condition was this man their King?
{155}
Tho' Heaven declar'd him, heaven itself set down
The sacred _Postulata_ of the crown;
Samuel examin'd first the high record,
Then dedicates the substance to the Lord.
This is the _coronation-oath_, the bond,
The steps on which the throne and kingdom stand;
For which, by future Kings unjustly broke,
God, and the People, mighty vengeance took! *
* Samuel told the people the manner of the kingdom, and
wrote it in a book and laid it up before the Lord. (1
Samuel, x. 25.) It is plain, the word manner signifies the
constitution of the government, or the conditiom on which
Saul was to be king, namely, according to justice and law;
and this is meant in frequent expressions, by going in and
out before them, referring to justice being executed in the
gates, and peace and war; the king was to lead them in one,
and direct in the other. This manner of the kingdom was told
to all the people, and that implied, that the consent of the
people was requisite to make him king, without which, though
Samuel had anointed him, he was not owned by the Israelites,
bnt went about his private affairs till after the victory
over the Ammonites. Then the manner of the kingdom was
written in a book--a token of its being a compact between
Saul and the people; and Samuel's laying it up before the
Lord, is equivalent to an oath recorded on both sides; for
it was there as a witness between the king and the people,
and served both as their oath of allegiance, and his oath of
government.--All this being done, what followed? All the
people went to Gilgal, and there they (mark the word) made
Saul king.--(l Samuel,i. 15.)
{156}
Then mark the needful steps to make him King,
How sacred ends, concurring means must bring;
Not Samuel's ointment, not the mighty lot,
Could make him King, nor force his title out.
The people like not his mechanic race,
They see no greatness in his youthful face:--
"Is this the monarch shall our foes destroy,
Does heaven design to rule us by a _boy_?"
The flouting Rabbies cry! "We scorn to own,
A man that has no merit for a crown.
Our King must lead the glorious tribes to fight,
And chase the thousands of the Ammonite:
His pers'nal valour must our triumphs bring,
'Tis such a man we want, and such a King."
Away they go, reject his government,
Not Heav'n's high choice could force their due consent!
Samuel submits, adjourns the strong debate,
Suspends the King he offered to create;
Owns _their dislike's a high material thing,
That their Consent alone could make him King!_
Why did not God displeasure then express,
Resent the slight, and punish their excess;
Extort obedience by express command,
And crown his choice by his immediate hand;
Destroy the Rebels with his blasting breath,
And punish early treason with their death;
With mighty thunders his new King proclaim,
And force the trembling tribes to do the same?
Because He knew it was the course of things,
And _Nature's law_, that men should _choose_ their Kings;
He knew the early dictate was his own,
That reason acted from himself alone.*
* It is alledged, that the vulgar are not capable of judging
coucerning principles of government; I answer, they are
then not capable of beiug guilty of transgression; for where
there is a want of capacity of judgment, there can be no
sin. This is a dangerous argument, my Lords, and exposes
government to the violence of every one who can overturn it
with impunity. You have no defence against any person in
this case who is resolute, except superior strength; for
the gallows will not frighten a man who is not conscious of
guilt, if he has any degree of natural fortitude. Try to
persuade the vulgar that there is any case in which they
cannot sin, and you will soon perceive what opera-tion it
will have upon them. But when you tell them they are not
judges of your manouvres of state, they will soon tell you
that they cannot transgress what they do not understand and
that you require of them more than the Deity requires of
them, or even supposes; for he requires no duty without
first allowing men to judge of his laws, and makes no laws
beyond the reach of their understandings.
_Sermons to Asses, ( Ministers qf State,)_ p. 57
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"'Tis just," says the Almighty Power, "and sense,"
(For _actions are the words of Providence_;
The mouth of consequences speaks aloud,
And Nature's language is the voice of God:
"'Tis just," says he, "the people should be shown,
The man that wears it, can deserve the crown.
Merit will make my choice appear so just,
They'll own him fit for the intended trust;
Confirm by reason my exalted choice,
And make him King by all the people's voice.
{158}
Let Ammon's troops my people's tents invade,
And Israel's trembling sons, to fear betray'd,
Fly from th' advancing legions in the fright,
Till Jabesh' walls embrace the Ammonite;
I'll spirit Saul, and arm his soul for war,
The boy they scorn, shall in the field appear;
I'll teach the inexperienced youth to light,
And flesh him with the slaughter'd Ammonite.
The general suffrage then lie'll justly have
To rule the people he knows how to save;
Their willing voices all the tribes will bring,
And make my chosen hero be their King."
He speaks, and all the high events obey,
The mighty voice of Nature leads the way;
The troops of Ammon Israel's tents invade,
His mighty fighting sons, to fear betray'd,
Fly from th' advancing squadrons in the fright,
'Till Jabesh' walls embrace the Ammonite.
Saul rouzes; God had arm'd his soul for war;
The boy they scored does in the field appear;
His pers'nal merit now bespeaks the throne,
He beats the enemy, and wears his crown.
The willing tribes their purchased suffrage bring,
Their universal voice proclaims him King.
As if Heaven's call had been before in vain,
Saul from this proper minute, dates his reign.
The text is plain, and proper to the thing,
Not GOD--but all The People made him King!
End of Book I.
{159}
THE RIGHT DIVINE OF KINGS TO GOVERN WRONG.
BOOK II.
The King is ours
T' administer, to guard, t' adorn the State,
But not to warp or change it.
Mark now the difference, ye that boast your love
Of kings, between your Loyalty and ours
Our love is principle, and has its root
In reason; is judicious, manly, free:
Yours, a blind instinct, crouches to the rod,
And licks the foot, that treads it in the dust.
_The Duty of Resistance to Tyrants--Law--Custom--
Packed Juries--The Custom of Kings to tyrannize--
The Custom of the People to dethrone them instanced in
James II.--Rehoboam--Royalty a trust._
Were I permitted to inspect the rolls,
Th' eternal archives, hid beyond the poles;
The cause of causes could I but survey,
And see how consequences there obey:
This should be first of all that I'd enquire,
And this to know, the bounds of my desire--
Why Justice reels beneath the blows of might,
And Usurpation sets her foot on right;
Why fame bestows her ill-deserv'd applause,
When outrage, triumphs over nature's laws;
{160}
Why heaven permits the worst of men to rule,
And binds the wise man to obey the fool; *
Why its own thunder does not strike the crown,
And from the stools of pow'r thrust Tyrant? down;
Why it pursues the murd'rer's meaner crime,
But leaves exalted criminals to time.
* It is difficult to avoid laughing at the _extreme
ignorance of crowned heads_ themselves, in despotic
countries, wheu one contrasts it with the importance they
assume, and the pomp and splendour with which they transfer
their royal persons from place to place. The sight is truly
ludicrous. Are these the men, _occupied, as they usually
are, in the meanest trifles and the most degrading
pleasures,_ who tell us that the governmen over which they
preside, is a perfect system, and that the wisest
philosopher knows not how to govern mankind; that is, to
consult their happiness and security, so well as themselves,
neglected as they have been in youth, and corrupted in
manhood by panders to their vices, and flatterers of their
foibles, their pride, and their ambition? There is reason
to believe that _many kings in despotic kingdoms, have been
worse educated, and possess less abilities, than a common
charity-boy, trained in a parish school to read and write._
Spirit of Despotism. An Anecdote, containing the thoughts of
a Despot is a treat. It appears from the Emperor of Austria
heading the Holy Alliance against Naples with our money in
his pockets, as well as from a letter dated Laybach, 28th
January, 1821, that his Majesty has the _horrors._ The
letter states, that when the Professors of the Lyceum at
Laybach were presented to him, he made this nervous speech
:--"Gentlemen--The students of Carniola have always deserved
praise, (from which their progress in useful knowledge may
be inferred). Endeavour to preserve for them this good
character, (modern Boeotians). Remain ever faithful to what
is ancient, (Tyranny); for what is ancient is good, (he
means for himself); and onr ancestors (his Ancestors) ever
found it so. Why should it not be the same to us? (The
throne-men). People (tyrant-hater's) are occupied elsewhere
(at Naples) with new notions (principles of liberty), that I
(heigh Oh!) cannot approve, (cannot help); and never shall
approve, (Royal till death). From such notions (political
truth) preserve yourselves, (God preserve the Emperor);
attach yourselves to nothing bnt what is positive,
(Despotism). I do not want learned men (the students at
Copenhagen on the king's birth-day, January 2nd, 1821,
shouted "Vivat Rex the soldiers, not understanding Loyally
in Latin, and, supposing the students uttered seditious
cries, dispersed them with their sabres and hilled four:
ergo Steel is stronger than Latin). I want only loyal and
good subjects, (implicitly obedient slaves); and it is your
part to (become drill serjeants, and) form them (into line).
He who serves (implicitly obeys), will instruct, (that is--
keep the students stupid) according to my orders; and
whoever feels himself incapable of that, (non-instruction,)
and embraces novel ideas, (knowledge,) had better depart--or
I shall myself remove him, (by putting something into his
head!). This is a fine and perfect specimen of legitimate
mind; and here is another:--At the Museum of Bologna the
Professors of the University shewed this same Emperor one or
Sir Humphrey Davy's safety lamps, and informed him that the
Englishman its inventor, had, by his nnmerous discoveries,
produced a revolution in science. At the word revolution
the countenance of the Emperor changed; he rumped the
attendant, and said, the King of England would no doubt feel
the consequences of his condescension to his unruly
subjects; but, as to himself, he should take proper care
not to suffer any of his subjects to make revo-lutions!--
"_What is ancient is good._" Stick to that, Despots! Yonr
ancestors,'an please your Majesties, groped without safety
lamps --I pray that you may, till you be no more.
{161}
Kings spurn at limitations, laws, and rules,
And rob mankind--because mankind are fools;
Wheedled to act against their common sense,
To jumble tyranny with providence;
To hope from God what God expects from them,
For what they ought to do, look up to Him;
Leave unperform'd the duties which they know,
And _lift up_ hands they should _employ_ below!
Christians must no more miracles expect,
The men that will be slaves, He'll not protect;
God never will our base petitions hear,
Till our endeavours supersede our prayer;
Not always then; but nation's may be sure,
The _willing_ bondage _ever_ shall endure.
They that would have His power to be their friend,
Must, with what power they have, their right defend.
The laws of God, God makes us understand,
The laws of Nature never countermand.
Nature prescribes, for'tis prescrib'd to sense,
Her first of laws to man--is self-defence.
This then is Law to man, from God on high,
_Resisting_ live--or _unresisting_ die!
He always works by means, and means he'll bless,
With approbation, often with success.
Nor prayers nor tears will revolutions make,
Tyrants pull down, or irksome bondage break;
'Tis our own business; and He lets us know,
What is our business, he expects we'll do.
* God punishes bad kings and oppressors, as he does the rest
of mankind--through his instruments, The, People. It is the
only way by which he has ever made an example of tyrants as
a terror to others.
Tyrants sometimes in Revolutions fall,
Though their destruction's not design'd at all;
So hasty showers, when they from heav'n flow down,
Are sent to fructify, and not to drown;
And, in the torrent, if a drunkard sink,
'Tis not the flood that drowns him, but the drink,
Yet who would say, because a sinner's slain,
For fear of drowning, we must have no rain.
{163}
It's doubtful who live most unnatural lives,
The subject that his liberty survives,
Or kings that trample law and freedom down,
And make free justice truckle to the crown.
Law is the master-spring of government--
The only Right Ditine that heaven has sent, *
It forms the order of the world below,
And all our blessings from that order flow.
* The tyrant Henry VIII., by making himself the head of the
Church, clearly begat the Right Divine. The King could give
bishoprics, and the Bishops could give opinions. "Your
Majesty is the breath of our nostrils," said Bishop Neil to
James I., and speaking of himself and brethren as to worldly
advantages, he certainly spoke the truth. Before the Kings
of England were heads of the Church we heard little of
divine right, and some-times the Church itself was seen on
the side of freedom; since that time, never. The doctrine
in England, that the King can do no wrong, supposes the
positive responsibility of his Minis-ters. But, that it is a
dangerous licence of language, is wit-nessed iu a Right
Reverend exposition of this kingly privi-lege in regard to
Adultery. The Bishop leaped from political to moral
delinquency, with a casuistry worthy an admirer of the royal
power of translation. The Abbe de Choisy, a Priest of the
same school as the British Father in God, though not of the
same church, dedicated an edition of Thomas à Kempis, on the
'Imitation of Christ' to Madame de Maintenon, a courtesan
and mistress to Louis XIV., prefixing this motto: "Hear oh!
daugh-ter, and consider, and incline thine ear; forget also
thine own people, and thy father's honse; _so shall the
King greatly desire thy beauty!_" Psa. xlv. 10,11.
The Court's a golden but a fatal circle,
Upon whose magic skirts a thousand devils
In crystal forms, sit tempting innocence,
And beckon early virtue from its ceutre.
Anon, quoted by Dr. Watts.
{164}
Law is the life-blood of the social state;
Subordinate to law is magistrate,
To set the magistrate above the law,
Would all to error and confusion draw,
He's not a king that's not prescribed by laws--
King's, the effect, but government's the cause
Of all authority for Right Divine,
Custom's the worst, for every royal line.
The still-born Ignorance of antiquity,
Quirk'd into life to cozen freemen by,
Lawyers call Custom; and, for custom, draw
On custom still, to still call custom, _Law!_
So 'rules' the _Bench_, and so the maxim takes,
The fault one age commits, no age forsakes!
Begot by fools, maintain'd by knaves and fools,
Improved by craft in error's public schools;
With shifting face, with loose and stammering tongue,
The juggling fraud has plagued the world too long;
Modern encroachments on our freedom makes,
And backs it with our fathers' old mistakes:
As if our rev'rence, to their virtues due,
Should recommend their crimes and follies too!
This vapour Custom, this mere wand'ring cloud
Puffs the crown'd wretch, and helps to make him proud.
Persuades him to believe it must be true,
Homage to Law, becomes the _Tyrant's_ due!
{165}
Thus Priestcraft preaches, and thus Lawyers draw
An after age, to call a custom--Law!
And yet this boasted, ever-quoted thing,
Fails in the point--fails to support the king:
For though by custom, kings have learn'd to ride
A few vile minions, to support their pride,
The people always have opposed the cheat,
It never was their custom to submit;
The Practice of the people made the name,
For practices and customs are the same;
And custom this one mighty truth will tell,
When kings grow tyrants, nations will rebel.
The people may, for custom gives assent,
Dethrone the man, to save the Government!
If any say the practice is not so,
Let them to England for examples go.
England the Right Divine of kings profess'd *
And all the marks of slavery caress'd;
Long courted chains, but'twas in court disguise,
And holy fraud conceal'd the sacred lies--
* Sir Robert Filmer, the great champion of Divine Right
having defended it in print, Algernon Sidney drew out a
system of original power, and government according to the
laws of God, nature, and reason. Before it was finished, the
friends of Divine Right seized the manuscript, and finding
Sidney's arguments un-answerable, they laid aside the work,
and fell upon the man; --so they cut off his head, merely
because they could not an-swer his book.
The Church the mountebank, the King the jest,
The _wheedled monarch_, and the _wheedling priest!_
James proved the patient, crouching, loyal tribe,
But let his fate their loyalty describe!
{166}
With life-and-fortune, churchmen back'd the crown, *
In crushing all men's freedom but their own.
* A Courtier's loyalty is charmingly pictured in the
portrait of Bubb Doddington, drawn by himself in his
celebrated Diary. He was by trade a Boroughmonger, and his
stock, consisted of six Members in the House of Commons,
which he jobbed about and sold to the best bidder. At the
close of his bargain and sale of the whole in a lump to the
Duke of Newcastle for the king's service, there is a finish
which renders the painting a fiue and matchless Cabinet
specimen.--Bubb, who had been in disgrace at court for
selling them elsewhere, said to tlie duke, "I knew I had
given no just cause of offence, but that I could not justify
it with His Majesty; that it was enough that He (the king)
was displeased, to make me think that I was in the wrong,
and to beg Him to forget it: I would not even be in the
right against HIM!" The duke was delighted with this loyal
and dutiful submission. Bubb says, "He took me up in his
arms, and kissed me twice!" and Bubb was rewarded for
laying his six members of the honorable house at the foot of
the throne with the price he stipulated for--namely, the
treasurership of the navy, and a peerage! The story was
beautifully and most impressively related by the excellent-
hearted and inflexible John Hunt, in his noble and
successful defence, on the trial of an ex officio
information for words in the Examiner charged not as false,
but as libellous on the Honorable House.
Then, under colour or pretence of law,
Villains their victims to the shambles draw,
Where sat the scoundrel Chief in ermined pride,
And a pack'd jury in the box beside.
The farce commences--justice heaves a groan--
The case is clear--a verdict for the Crown!
When noble Russell and brave Sidney fell,
Judges themselves rung, out Law's funeral knell!
{167}
Yet when their own destruction they foresaw,
The passive knaves cried Liberty and Law!
Took from their best of Kings his Right Divine,
And abrogated fealty to the line;
They made a precedent, dropp'd T from TReason,
And found the best of words behind it--reason!
The crown's a symbol, that the people meant,
To mark their choice, or form of government; *
The crown is theirs, and this has been their plan,
To make the office sacred, not the man:
Hence, if a tyrant on the throne appears,
The place is vacant, and the crown is theirs.
* All Majesty is derived from Law founded on right reason. A
strength beyond that is mere force. The Magistrate formerly
had no Majesty but while engaged in magisterial duties. His
real dignity consisting in his legal authority.
When the ancient parliaments of France met according to the
constitution annually, the king went to meet the members
seated in a waggon drawn by oxen, which a waggoner drove
with his goad to the parliament house; but he was in no
state until he was seated there, robed and crowned, and
sceptred. And, in-deed, in that place only, where the great
affairs of the Com-monwealth are transacted, can it be said,
that Real Majesty does truly and properly reside; and not
where the king plays, or dances, or prattles with his women,
when the vulgar are always styling him, your Majesty.
Hotomun's Franco-gallia, p. 73.
David, the patient tribes too much opprest,
Vex'd them with tribute, and deny'd them rest;
Harass'd the land with imposts and alarms,
Taxing and fighting--money! and to arms!
{168}
His son, however wise, disturbed their peace,
With taxes for his sumptuous palaces;
His love of women and his garish state,
His love of pomp and show, and looking great;
His building projects, and his vast designs,
Too vast for all the gold of Ophir's mines,
The people's hearts dismay'd, their feelings pain'd,
Their love unsettled, and their treasures drain'd. *
* Solomon could have but two occasions for money; one for
his costly buildings, the other for his numerous women, for
he never had any wars. To the expense of his buildings the
kings of other countries contributed largely; so that it
must have beeu his excesses in women, and other luxurious
indulgences, that caused him to oppress the people with
heavy burdens of taxes.
By two such' vigorous monarchs long opprest,
The next that came they loyally addrest;
Implored his gracious majesty would please
To tax them less, and let them live in peace.
The son of Solomon with anger hears
The people dare to offer him their pray'rs,
Spurns their Address, his rage no bounds restrain,
And thus he gives his answer with disdain:--
"I bear from Heaven the ensigns of my sway,
My business is to rule, and your's obey:
Therefore your scandalous Address withdraw,
'Tis my command, and my command's your law:
Sedition grows from seeds of discontent,
And faction always snarls at government:
But since my throne from God alone I hold,
To Him alone my councils I unfold;
My resolutions he has made your laws,
You are to know my actions, He the cause!
{169}
Wherefore I stoop, to let you understand,
I double all the taxes of the land.
And if your discontents and feuds remain,
Petition--and I'll double them again!
The mild correction which my Father gave,
Has spoil'd the people he design'd to save;
You murmur'd then, but had you thus been used,
You'd ne'er his easy clemency abused!"
The injured people, treated with disdain,
Found their Petitions and Addresses vain!
Long had they made submissions to the crown,
And long the love of Liberty had known;
The kings they ask'd of God had let them see,
What God himself foretold of tyranny.
The father had exhausted all their stores,
With costlyhouses, and more costly whores;
But doubly robb'd by his encroaching son,
They rather chose to die, than be undone;
And, thus resolving, by a single stroke,
Ten tribes revolted, and their bondage broke!
The tyrant, in his sceptred bloated pride,
Believing God and blood upon his side;
To the high altar in a rage repairs,
And rather tells his tale, than makes his prayers: *
* The author has taken a poetical licence here. For
scripture does not say that Rehoboam prayed to the Lord.
"Behold!" says he, "the slaves, o'er whom I reign,
Have made the pow'r I had from Thee in vain;
From thy diviner rule they separate,
And make large schisms both in Church and State;
My just intentions are, with all my force,
To check rebellion in its earliest course;
Revenge th' affronts of my insulted throne,
And save thy injured honour, and my own;
And as thy counsels did my fathers bless,
He claims thy help, who does their crown possess!"
{170}
Listen ye kings, ye people all rejoice,
And hear the answer of th' Almighty voice:
Tremble, ye tyrants, read the high commands,
In sacred writ the sacred sentence stands!
"_Stir not afoot!_ thy new-rais'd troops disband!"
Says the Eternal;--"it is my command!
I raised thy fathers to the Hebrew throne,
I set it up, but you yourselves pull down!
For when to them I Israel's sceptre gave,
'Twas not my chosen people to enslave.
My first command no such commission brings,
I made no tyrants, though I made you kings;
But you my people vilely have opprest,
And misapplied the powers which you possest.
'Tis Nature's laws the people now direct,
When Nature speaks, I never contradict.
Draw not the sword, thy brethren to destroy,
The liberty they have, they may enjoy;
I ever purposed, and I yet intend,
That what they may enjoy, they may defend;
They have deserted from a misused throne,
"The thing's from Me"--the crime is all thy own!"*
* When the ten tribes revolted from Rehoboam, and chose Je-
roboam king, there is no doubt they limited him by law; for
many years afterwards king Aliab, one of his succcssors,
admring a herb-garden near to his own palace, applied to the
owner, Naboth, and offered him either a vineyard for it, or
the worth of it in money; but Naboth would neither exchange
nor sell it, and Ahab returned home so vexed, that he went
to bed and would not eat any thing. Naboth having thus
displeased the king, the courtiers got up a charge of
Blasphemy and Sedition against him by means of false
wituesses hired on purpose; he was found guilty and
executed, and Ahab got possession of the garden, probably as
a forfeiture to the crown. It is clear, therefore, that
Ahab's power was restrained by law, for it was not until
Nabot was murdered _under the forms of law_, that the king
could get the poor man's property. Another thing is very
remarkable: as soon as the murder was completed, and the
king had got the garden, there was an honest Father in God,
who, instead of saying 'the king could do no wrong,' went to
his majesty, charged him with the crime, and denounced his
downfall, which happened accordingly, through his listening
to flattering ecclesiastics, and his fondness for military
affairs. If the Bishop of London should desire to preach on
this story, he is informed that he may find it in the Bible,
1 Kings, xxi.
{171}
If kings no more be flatter'd and deceived,
Nor shun too late, the knaves they have believed;
If as 'trustees for uses' they agree
To act by limited authority;
Subordination will its order keep,
Ambition die, and all rebellion sleep.
The weeping nations shall begin to laugh,
The subjects easy, and the rulers safe.
Plenty and peace embrace just government,
The king be pleased, the people be content.
If any king is hoodwink'd to believe,
People will blind obedience to him give;
Let him pause long, before he dares to try,
They all by practice give their words the lie! *
* Flattery is a fine picklock of tender ears; especially of
those whom fortune hath borne high upon their wings, that
submit their dignity and authority to it, by a soothing of
themselves. For, indeed, men could never he taken in that
abundance with the springes of others' flattery, if they
began not there; if they did but remember how much more
profitable the bitterness of truth were than all the honey
distilling from a whorish voice, which is not praise but
poison. But now it is come to that extreme of folly, or
rather madness, with some, that he that flatters them mo-
destly, or sparingly, is thought to malign them.
Ben Jonson.
The ears of kings are so tiugled with a continual uniform
ap-probation, that they have scarce any knowledge of true
praise. Have they to do with the greatest fool of all their
subjects--they have no way to take advantage of him: by the
flatterer saying, "It is because he is my king," he thinks
he has said enough to imply that he therefore suffered
himself to be over-come. This quality stifles and confuses
the other true and es-sential qualities which are sunk deep
in the kingship.
Montaigne.
{172}
Art may by mighty dams keep out the tide,
Check the strong current, and its streams divide;
Pen up the rising waters, and deny
The easy waves to glide in silence by:
But if the river is restrain'd too long,
It swells in silence to resent the wrong;
With fearful force breaks opposition down,
And claims its native freedom for its own.
So Tyranny may govern for a time,
Till Nature drowns the tyrants with their crime!
End of Book II.
{173}
THE RIGHT DIVINE OF KINGS TO GOVERN WRONG.
BOOK III.
----Nations would do well
T' extort their truncheons from the puny hands
Of Heroes, whose infirm and baby minds
Are gratified with mischief; and who spoil,
Because men suffer it, their Toy--The World.
_Tyrants deposed to preserve the Throne--In Europe--In England before
the Conquest--By each other since.--No right line any where--Difference
between Tyrants and Kings--Government instituted by the People for their
oivn good--Tyrants treat men as cattle to be slaughtered--God decrees
their fall--Ordains Revolutions by the People._
Search we the long records of ages past,
Look back as far as antient rolls will last;
Beyond what oldest history relates,
While kings had people, people magistrates;
Nations, e'er since there has been king or crown,
Have pull'd down tyrants to preserve the throne.
The laws of nature then, as still they do,
Taught them, their rights and safety to pursue;
That if a king, who should protect, destroys,
He forfeits all the sanction he enjoys.
{174}
There's not a nation ever own'd a crown,
But if their kings opprest them, pull'd them down;
Concurring Providence has been content,
And always blest the action in th' event.
He that, invested with the robes of power,
Thinks'tis his right the people to devour,
Will always find some stubborn men remain,
That have so little wit, they won't be slain;
Who always turn again when they're opprest,
And basely spoil the gay tyrannic jest;
Tell kings--of Nature, Laws of God, and Right,
Take up their arms, and with their tyrants fight.
When passive thousands fall beneath the sword,
And freely die at the imperial word,
A stern, unyielding, self-defending few,
While they resist, will ravel all the clew;
Will all the engines of oppression awe,
And trample pow'r beneath the feet of law.
'Tis always natural for men opprest,
Whene'er occasion offers to resist;
They're traitors else to truth and common sense,
And rebels to the laws of Providence;
'Tis not enough to say, they _may_--they _must_;
The strong necessity declares it just; *
'Tis Heav'n's supreme command to man, and they
Are always blest who that command obey.
* If it be asked, Who shall be judge? it is plain that God
has made Nature judge. If a king make a law, destructive of
human society and the general good, may it not be resisted
and opposed? "No!" exclaim a junta of holy meu, "it is from
GOD!" What is _Blasphemy?_
{175}
So France deposed the Merovingian line,
And banish'd Childrick * lost the right divine;
So Holy League their sacred Henry ** slew,
And call'd a counsel to erect a new;
For right divine must still to justice bow,
And people first the right to rule bestow:
So Spain to arbitrary kings inured,
Yet arbitrary Favila *** abjured;
Denmark four kings deposed, and Poland seven,
Swedeland but one-and-twenty, Spain eleven:
Russia, Demetrius banish'd from the throne,****
And Portugal pull'd young Alphonsus down;
Each nation that deserves the name of state,
Has set up laws above the magistrate;
Hence, when a self-advancing wretch acquires
A lawless rule, his government expires.
* Childeric I. the son of Merovius, for his lasciviousness,
was banished by the great men, and one Egidiu?, a Gaul, set
up in his stead. Childeiic II. was banished and deposed by
his subjects, and king Pepin reigned in his stead; and so
ended the Merovingian family.
** The League deposed Henry III. and declared him a tyrant,
a murderer, and incapable to reign, and held frequent
counsels with the pope's legate and the Spaniards about
settling the crown, and several proposals were made of
settling it, sometimes on the infanta of Spain, at other
times on the cardinal of Boubon, the duke de Main, and
others.
*** Favila, a cruel tyrant, was deposed by the Castilians,
who chose judges to administer the government, till they
appointed another.
**** Besides the banishment of Demetrius, the History of
Russia furnishes a sickening catalogue of the butchery of
her despots by each other. During the debate in the House of
Lords on the 19th of February, 1821, Lord Holland, observing
on the Crusade of the Holy Alliance of Despots against
Naples, said, "That objections to the freedom of political
constitutions came but ungracefully from the reigning
Emperor of Russia, who ascended a throne reeking with the
blood of his own father: and as this member of that holy
league, owed his crown to the murder of his father, it
brought to his recollection, that since the time of the Czar
Peter I. no sovereign had ascended the throne of Russia
with-out its being stained with the blood of his immediate
predecessor, or some other member of his own family."
{176}
Explore the past, the steps of monarchs tread,
And view the sacred titles of the dead;
Look to the early kings of Britain's isle,
For _Jus Divinum_ in our _native_ style.
Conquest, or compacts, form the rights of kings,
And both are human, both unsettled things;
Both subject to contingencies of fate,
And so the godship of them proves a cheat.
The crowns and thrones the greatest monarchs have,
Were either stolen, or the people gave.
What claim had colonel Cnute, * or captain Suene?
What right the roving Saxon, pirate Dane?
Hengist, or Horsa, Woden's blood defied,
And on their sword, not right divine, relied.
* The leaders of the invading Saxons and Danes were mere
thieves and robbers, pretending to no light but that of the
sword. Hengist and Horsa were Saxon leaders, who after
conquering Kent, made themselves kings. Woden is famed to be
the first great leader of the Goths into Europe, and all
their kings affected to be thought of his predatory blood.
{177}
The Norman Bastard, how divine his call!
And where's his heav'nly high original?
These naked nations, long a helpless prey,
To foreign and domestic tyranny;--
Their infant strength unfit to guard their name--
Was left exposed to ev'ry robber's claim,
An open prey to pirates, and the isle,
To wild invaders, grew an early spoil.
The Romans ravaged long our wealthy coast,
And long our plains fed Caesar's num'rous host.
What birthright raised that rav'nous leader's name?
His sword, and not his fam'ly, form'd his claim.
Where'er the Roman eagles spread their wings,
They conquer'd nations, and they pull'd down kings;
Caesar in triumph o'er the whole presided,
And right of conquest half the world divided.
For Liberty our sires in arms appear'd,
And in its sacred name with courage warr'd;
Made the invaders buy their conquest dear,
And legions of their bones lie buried here. *
* The hillocks or barrows still remaining in most parts of
Eng-land were the graves of the soldiers. There are four
very large ones near Stevenage in Hertfordshire, close to
the road. The plains in Wiltshire and Dorsetshire are full
of these monuments of the valorous achievements of the
Britons iu defence of their liberty.
When these their work of slaughter had fulfill'd,
And seas of British blood bedew'd the field;
Shoals of Barbarian Goths, worse thieves than they,
From Caledonian Friths, and frozen Tay,
O'erspread the fruitful, now abandon'd plains,
And led the captured victims in their chains:
The weaken'd natives, helpless and distrest,
Doom'd to be plunder'd, ravish'd, and oppress'd,
Employ new thieves from the rude Northern coast,
To rob them of the little not yet lost.
{178}
The work once done, the workmen, to be paid,
Only demand themselves, and all they had!
In dreadful strife their freedom to maintain,
They fought with fury, but they fought in vain;
Yet, like Antaeus, every time they fell,
Their veins with rage and indignation swell;
Not for continued losses they despair,
But for still fiercer battle they prepare;
Again their blood the Saxon chariots stains,
And heaps of heroes strew th' ensanguin'd plains;
Thus, though they leave the world, they keep the field,
And thus their lives, but not their freedom yield.
Three hundred years of bloody contest past,
Plunder'd at first, and dispossest at last,
The few remains, with freedom still inspir'd,
To Western mountains, to resist retired;
Their dear abandon'd country thence they view,
And thence their thirst of Liberty renew;
Offers of peaceful bondage they defy,
What's peace to man without his liberty? *
* The Britons fought one hundred and sixty-three pitched
bat-tles. They might well be said to be conquered, for in
these prodigious straggles for their liberty they were
nearly all slain. They fought as long as there were any men
to be raised? but the Saxons swarming continually over from
vastly populous countries, the few Britons that remained,
took sanctuary in the wes-tern mountains of Wales, and from
the crags and cliffs, poor and distrest as they were, they
made constant inroads and excursions upon the Saxons; the
Saxon Annals are filled with accounts of the renewed
warfare. Even the English histories frequently mention the
incursions of the Welsh, till, at last, united to England,
they seem to be incorporated with the natives of their
ancient soil.
{179}
The conquer'd nation--fell a dear bought prey,
And Britain's island, _Saxon_ Lords obey:
The shouting troops their victories proclaim,
And load their chiefs with royalty and fame:
The garland of their triumphs was their crown,
Mob set them up, and rabble pull'd them down!
Fighting was all the merit they could bring,
The bloodiest wretch appear'd the bravest King!
Nor did his kingship any longer last,
Than till by some more powerful rogue displaced.
In spoil and blood was fix'd the right divine.
And thus commenced the royal Saxon line:--
That sword that vanquish'd innocence in fight,
The sword that crush'd the banish'd Britons' right,
At pleasure subdivides the British crown,
And forms eight soldier kingdoms out of one.
From these we strive to date our royal line,
And these must help us to a right divine;
From actions buried in eternal night,
Priestcraft is brought, to fix the fancied right;
Priestcraft that, always on the strongest side,
Contrives, tho' kings should walk, that priests shall ride.
One master thief his fellows dispossest,
And gave, once more, the weeping nation rest;
For Egbert, * English monarchy began,
By his Almighty-sword--the Sacred man!
* Egbert came over originally from France, and was not the
successor of any prince of the West Saxon kingdom, nor of
any kingdom.
{180}
Yet who was Egbert? Search his ancient breed;
What sacred ancestors did he succeed?
What mighty princes form'd his royal line,
And handed down to him the right divine?
A high-Dutch trooper, sent abroad to fight,
Whose trade was blood, and in his arm his right:
A supernumerary Holsteineer, *
For want of room at home, sent out to war;
A mere Swiss** mercenary, who for bread,
Was born on purpose to be knock'd in head;
A Saxon soldier was his high descent,
Murder his business, plunder his intent;
The poor unvalued, despicable thing,
A thief by nation, and by fate a king!
* The Saxons that came over were from Jutland, Holstein, &c.
The poor countries the Saxons lived in, being unable to
support the vast numbers of the people they produced, they
sought subsistence and habitations in fruitful and plentiful
lands.
** A Swiss, alludes to their being mercenaries.
To-day the monarch glories in his crown,
A soldier thief to-morrow knocks him down,
And calls the fancied right divine his own!
In the next age that 'rightful' Lord's forgot,
And rampant treason triumphs on the spot:
Success gives title, makes possession just,
For if the fates obey, the subjects must.
We should be last of all that should pretend,
The long descent of princes to defend;
Since, if hereditary right's the claim,
The English line has forty times been lame;
Of all the nations in the world, there's none
Have less of true succession in their crown.
{181}
Britannia now, with men of blood opprest,
And all her race of tyrants lately ceased;
Ill fate prevailing, seeks at foreign shores,
And for worse monsters, ignorantly implores.
The right divine was so despised a thing,
The crown went out a begging for a king
Of foreign breed, of unrelated race,
Whore in his scutcheon, tyrant in his face j
Of spurious birth, and intermingled blood,
Who nor our laws nor language understood.
William the early summons soon obeys,
Ambition fills his sails, his fleets the seas;
By cruel hopes, and fatal valour sped,
The foreign legions Britain's shores o'erspread:
The sword decides the claim, the land's the prey,
Fated the conquering tyrant to obey.
Harold by usurpation gain'd the crown, *
And ditto usurpation pull'd him down.
Nothing but patience then could Britain claim;
Oppress'd by suff'ring, suff'ring made her tame:
She saw the tyrant William quit the throne,
And hoped for better usage from his son;
But change of tyrants gave her small relief,
She lost the lion, and receiv'd the thief.
* Harold seized upon the crown by force. He had no claim to
it, by blood or inheritance, being the son of Earl Goodwin.
Rufus, his father's ill got treasure seized,
The greedy sons of mother-church appeased;
Bought up rebellion with the cash he stole,
Secured the Clergy, and seduced the whole.
So brib'ry first with robbery combined
To ride before, and treason rode behind.
{182}
Ambition, and the lust of rule prevail'd,
And Robert's right, on Rufus' head entail'd. *
Beau-Clerk next grasp'd his elder brother's crown,
And, by his sword, maintain'd it was his own:
The second ** Henry fights, and fighting treats,
To own the prince's title he defeats;
Consents to mean conclusions of the war,
And stoops to be a base usurper's heir;
Accepts the ignominious grant, and shows
His right's as bad as Stephen's that bestows:
The royal tricksters thus divide the prey,
And helpless crowds the jugglers' swords obey. ***
Then John, **** another branch of Henry's line,
Jumps on the throne, in spite of Right Divine,
Turn we to mighty Edward's deathless name;
Or to his son's, whose conquests were the same;
That mighty hero of right royal race,
His father still alive, usurp'd his place. (v)
* They were both usurpers, for the true right of descent was
in Edgar Atheling. of the race of Edmund Ironside.
** Henry II. was obliged to compromise the dispute with his
competitor Stephen; a prudent agreement, but in defiance of
hereditary right.
*** As at the death of Henry I. the main line of Normandy
ended, so the succession has ever since proved so brittle,
that it never held to the third heir in a right descent
without being put by, or receiving some alteration by
usurpation, or extinction of the male blood.--Churchill's
Divi Britannici, p. 207.
**** King John was the youngest son of Henry II., who had
his eldest line deposed. Henry was the son of a usurper, a
usurper himself, and the murderer of his own brother's son.
(v) Edward III. reigned, his father, Edward II. being a
prisoner, and was afterwards murdered.
{183}
As Edward on his parent's murder stood,
So Richard's tyrant reign was closed in blood:
Deposed and murder'd, Edward's father lies;
Deposed and murder'd--thus the grandson * dies.
Lancastrian Henry from his feeble head,
The bauble wrench'd, and wore it in his stead;
Three of his name by due succession reign,
And York demands the right of line in vain.
Thro' seas of slaughter, for this carnaged crown
Edward, not went, but waded to the throne **
Three times deposed, three times restored by force,
Priest-ridden Henry's title*** yields of course.
Short lived the right the conquering king enjoy'd,
Treason and crime his new-crown'd race destroy'd;
As if the crimson hand of Power pursued
The very crown, and fated it to blood,
Richard by lust of government allured,
By double murders, next that crown procured;
For silent records trumpet-tongued proclaim
The jails and graves of princes are the same.
At Bosworth field, the crookback was dethroned;
Slain in the fight, and then the victor own'd! ****
* Richard II.
** Edward IV.
*** Henry VI.
**** Richard III. was succeeded by Henry VII. who had
clearly no claim to the crown from blood. After him it still
devolved with irregularity, although uuder the Tudors, the
doctrine of hereditary right was as vaguely maintained as
before. Thus, a Parliament granted to Henry VIII. the power
of regulating the succession by will, and it was by
pretending to exercise a similar power under an alleged will
of Edward VI. that the unprincipled Northumberland sought
the establishment of Lady Jane Grey. Elizabeth, on the same
ground, was importuned to appoint a suc-cessor, at
intervals, during the last twenty years of her reign; and
finally, named the King of Scotland in her last moments.
These are strange incidents for the advocates of Divine
Right! The fact is, this wretched theory was never formally
advocated until the days of James I.; and it may be
considered to be one of the precions fruits of that settled
connexion between Church and State, of which the Despot,
Henry VIII., laid the foun-dation. Yet no Despot ever
supported himself steadily on an English throne; and what is
there to prove, that such men ever can? Look at King
Richard II., he was a finished gentle-man, possessed some
taste for literature, and shewed himself as. fond of finery
as need be; but he waged war with the common sense of the
realm and the rights of the people,--and finally, by
entrusting his power to weak, inefficient, and corrupt
ministers, roused the anger of a distressed and overtaxed
community. Moral--They were beheaded, and he was dethroned.
{184}
So men of blood, incited by its taste,
By lust of rule urged on, laid England waste;
Oppression then upon oppression grew,
One royal wretch another overthrew;
They made a football of the People's crown,
And brother-tyrant brother-king pull'd down,
Succeeding robberies revenged the past,
And every age of crime outdid the last.
Look on once more--the tangled line survey,
By which kings claim to bind men to obey.
In the right line they say their title lies:
But if its twisted?--then the title dies.
Look at it!--knotted, spliced in every place!
Closely survey the intersected race--
So full of violations, such a brood.
Of false successions, spurious births, and blood;
Such perjuries, such frauds, to mount a throne,
That Kings might blush their ancestors to own!
{185}
Oh! but Possession supersedes the Line!
Indeed!--then king, as king, has Right Divine;
And, coy Succession fled from majesty,
Makes Usurpation as divine as he;
_De Facto is de Jure_, and a throne,
To every dog that steals it is his bone!
Hence tyrants--and from these infected springs,
Flows the best title of _the Best of Kings!_ *
* The Best of Kings (Court slang) the King for the time
being.--Many a king has been the worst man of his age, but
no king was ever the best. In 1683, the very year of Charles
the Second's reign, in which Lord William Russel and
Algernon Sydney were murdered under the forms of law, by
packed juries, and the king's passive obedient judges--when
the throne floated in blood, and the king's manners were
notoriously and disgust-ingly sensual and dissolute--in that
year, J. Shnrley, M. A. in his 'Ecclesiastical History
Epitomised,' gives Charles the title of "the best of kings!"
calls his life and reign virtuous! and prays that his days
may be as the days of Heaven!--This loyal author calls
himself, The Christian reader's "beloved Brother in Christ!"
Of the same king, Charles II., Horace Walpole (Lord Orford)
gives this character in his Epistle from Florence:--
(Dodsley's Collection, vol. iii. p. 92.)
Fortune, or fair, or frowning, on his soul
Could stamp no virtue, and no vice controul!
Honour or morals, gratitude or truth,
Nor taught his ripen'd age, nor knew his youth!
The care of nations left to whores or chance,
Plund'rer of Britain, pensioner of France;
Free to buffoons, to ministers denied,
He lived an atheist, and a bigot died!
All kings have parasites and praise; the Press records their
actions; and Posterity gives their characters.
{086}
_Right of Succession_, or what other claim
Of right to rule, by whatsoever name
Or title call'd, by whomsoever urged,
Is in the people's right of choosing merged.
The right's the People's, and the People's choice
Binds kings in duty to obey their voice;
The Public Will, the only Right Divine,
Sanctions the office, or divides the line;
Topples the crown from off the tyrant's head,
And puts a king to govern in his stead.
Tyrant and king are vastly different things--
We're robb'd by tyrants, but obey'd by kings!
If it be ask'd, how the distinction's known,
Oppression marks him out--the nations groan,
The broken laws, the cries of injur'd blood,
Are languages by all men understood! *
* Tyrants lose all respect for humanity, in proportion as
they are sunk beneath it; taught to believe themselves of
a different species, they really become so; lose their
participation with their kind; and, in mimicking the God,
dwindle into the brute! Blind with prejudices as a mole,
stung with truth as with scorpions, sore all over with
wounded pride like a boil, their minds a heap of morbid
proud flesh and bloated humours, a disease and gan-grene in
the state, instead of its life-blood and vital principle--
foreign despots claim mankind as their property. They regard
men crawling on the face of the earth as we do insects that
cross our path, and survey the common drama of human life as
a fantoccini exhibition got up for tlieir amusement. It is
the over-weening, aggravated, intolerable sense of swelling
pride and ungovernable self-will that so often drives them
mad; as it is their blind fatuity and insensibility to all
beyond themselves, that, transmitted through successive
generations, and confirmed by regal intermarriages, in time
makes them idiots.
Hazlitt's Political Essays, p. 341.
{087}
Just laws and liberty make patriot kings;
Tyrants and tyranny are self-made things. *
* Though a Despot be transformed into a limited king, he is
in heart and purpose still a despot. He feels duress; he is
not at liberty to oppress at his pleasare; and he awaits an
opportnnity to exercise 'the Right Divine of Kings to govern
wrong;' for he holds the doctrine that "oaths are not to be
kept with subjects." In the reign of Richard II. the Duke of
Norfolk apprised the Duke of Hereford, that the King
purposed their destruction:--
Hereford.--God forbid!--He has sworn by St. Edward, to be a
good Lord to me and the others.
Norfolk.-- So has he often sworn to me by God's Body: but I
do not trust him the more for that!
Every restored despot has become an unblushing and shameless
perjurer; where is there in history an instance to the con-
trary?--Once a Despot, and always a Despot.
Alfred the Great is the only King in our annals who being
guilty of misgovernment, and seeing its evils had the high
courage to acknowledge his crime by amendment. At the
commencement of his reign he seemed to consider his exalted
dignity as an emancipation from restraint, and to have found
leisure, even amidst his struggles with the Danes, to
indulge the irapetuosity of his passions. His immorality and
despotism provoked the censure of the virtuous; he was
haughty to his subjects, neglected the administration of
justice, and treated with contempt the complaints of the
indigent and oppressed. In the eighth year of his reign he
was driven from the throne by the Danes. Narrowly escaping
death and enduring many hardships, adversity brought
reflection. According to the piety of the age, instead of
tracing events to their political sources, he referred them
immediately to the providence of God; and considered his
misfortunes as the instrument with which Divine Justice
punished his past enormities. By his prudence and valour he
regaiued the throne, and drew np a code of laws by which he
ordained the governmeat should be administered. Magistrates
trembled at his stern impartiality and inflexibility. He
executed forty-four judges in one year for their informal
and iniquitous proceedings. Hence their survivors and
successors were careful to acquire a competent degree of
knowledge, and their decisions became accordant to the law.
Discovering that the only real foundation of national
happiness is in the enlightenment of the people, he
instructed them himself by his writings, endowed
establishments for the promotion of Education, and became
the guardian and benefactor of his country.*--His virtues
were the fruit of early instruction. When he was a child,
his mother, Osburga, awakened in him a passion for learning
aud knowledge. Holding in her hand a Saxon poem, elegantly
written and beautifully illnminated, she offered it as a
reward to the first of her children whose proficiency should
enable him to read it to her. The emulation of Alfred was
excited: he ran to his master, applied to the task with
diligence, performed it to the satisfaction of the queen,
and received the prize of his industry. His mind thus opened
by this excellent woman, she dropped in the seeds of
knowledge; by careful culture they grew into wisdom, and
Alfred is one of the most illustrious instances of the
endless blessings conferred upon man by Education.
From the banks of the strong hold of Corfe Castle, in
Dorsetshire, near Wareham, formerly a station of the Danish
barbariaus, one of their successors making good his lodgment
in a nameless House denies the justice of Universal
Education, forgetful, perhaps, that the benighted savages,
his predecessors, were finally expelled by Alfred; that it
was the triumph of Knowledge and Liberty over Ignorance and
Selfish power; and that Alfred, disdaining to use the
advantage whick Education gave him over the rest of the
people, othirwise than for their welfare, incessuntly
laboured to dispense its benefits to All.
* _Lingard's History of England, vol. i. c. 4._
{188}
As government was ever understood
To be a measure for the people's good;
So when perverted to a wrong intent,
It's stark oppression, not a government.
{189}
Blest are the days, and wing'd with joy they fly,
When kings protect the people's liberty;
When settled peace in stated order reigns,
And, nor the nation, nor the king complains;
If kings may ravish, plunder, and destroy,
Oppress the world, and all its wealth enjoy;
May harass nations, with their breath may kill,
And limit liberty by royal will;
Then was the world for ignorance design'd,
And God gave kings to blast the human mind;
And Kings but general farmers of the land;
And men their stock for slaughter at command;
Mere beasts of draught, to crouch and be opprest,
Whom God, the mighty landlord, form'd in jest.
Yet who believes that Heaven in vain creates,
And gives up what it loves to what it hates;
That man's great Maker call'd him into birth,
To be destroy'd by tyrant-fiends on earth;
That nations are but footstools to a throne,
And millions born to be the slaves of one?
Priestcraft! search Scripture, shew me God's decree,
That crime shall rule by his authority.
Kingcraft! search Scripture too, and from it prove
Thy right to ravage from the God of Love. *
* Priestcraft and Kingcraft are partners in the same firm.
They trade together. Kings and conquerors make laws, parcel
out lands, and erect churches and palaces for the priests
and dignitaries of religion. In return, Priests anoint kings
with holy oil, hedge them round with inviolability, spread
over them the mysterious sanctity of religion, and, with
very little ceremony, make over the whole species as slaves
to these Gods upon earth by virtue of Divine Right!
Hazlitt's Political Essays, p. 303.
{190}
No! He has issued no such foul command,
But dooms down Despots by the People's hand;
Marks tyrants out for fall in every age,
Directs the justice of the people's rage;
And hurling vengeance on all royal crimes,
Ordains the Revolutions of the times!
[Illustration: 198]
A thing of no bowels-- '
--from the crown to the toe, topfull
Of direst cruelty.--His Realm a slaughter-house--
The swords of soldiers are his teeth--
Iron for Naples, hid with English gilt.
Shakspeare.
The End.
{191}
A SLAP AT SLOP AND THE BRIDGE-STREET GANG
[Illustration: 199]
With Twenty-seven Cuts.
LONDON:
PRINTED BY AND FOR WILLIAM HONE,
46, LUDGATE HILL.
Half a-Crown.
{193}
TO THE READER.
The Slap, at first arranged in the manner, and in every respect in
imitation, assumed the appearance of a newspaper, except that the
columns were broken by _cuts_. It was a crown broadside, and the
agreeable appearance of the stamp was preserved by the subjoined diagram
being placed at the corner.
[Illustration: 201]
Doubtless every one who entered into the design, was satisfied with the
original form of the publication; yet the author has been perplexed
by numerous applications for an edition in this size. He finds it as
difficult to account for want of taste as for it; but it being the
fashion for the minority to be polite to the majority, he bends at last
to the too general request, and submits The Slap, with a broken spirit,
to go down, bound, with his other little pieces.
45, Ludgate Hill,
1822
{194}
Original Address
A Bag of political nuts ready cracked, is not only rather dangerous fare
to serve up, but a man who takes the trouble to crack them, will find
the kernels cleaner and sweeter for his pains. Though they who run
may read the greater portion of the present sheet, yet there are a few
articles that require attention, and two or three arc designed for those
only who alone can understand them.
My first intention was to parody Slop's paper, 'The Slop-tail,' or 'Much
Times,' throughout. But he is as vapid as the Marquess of Lunnunderry.
* What could I do with thoughts as unquotable, as confused, as ill
conceived, as ill expressed, as that _puissante_ ** Lord's --without
depth or originality--as plentiful and superficial as duck-weed.
I found not a sparkle of talent in any of Slop's lean 'leaders' to
re-pay me the trouble of wearisome reading. Under the 'stringent
necessity' of varying my original plan, yet loth to abandon it
altogether, I have parodied some of the features common to the
Slop-pail, and supplied the department I had allotted to an imitation of
his mindless verbiage with a sketch of his Life--filling the remainder
of the sheet in my own way. There are discrepancies inseparable from
this course, but I write to good-humoured readers, who have no objection
to see the mind as well as the person of a friend in undress, and who
take as little interest in the decision of the High Court of Criticism
on things of this sort, as they took in the decision of the 'Court of
Claims' concerning the 'imposing' ceremony of the coronation, and things
of that sort.,
The drawings are, as usual, by Mr. George Cruikshank, whose
able pencil has had greater scope here than in a pamphlet; that size
would have entirely excluded Dr. Southey's Vision, the
Jack-in-the-Green, and the masterly representation of the Bridge-street gang
destroying a Free Press, and suspending Liberty, while Slop is working
his Press to distort and torture Truth.
* The Marquess calls London, 'Lunnun.'
** A Marquess is styled 'a most puissant Prince!'
*** For this constipating phrase, see Slop Pail, July 26, 1821
{195}
[Illustration: 203]
THE LIFE OFbDOCTOR SLOP,
AND THE ORIGIN OF THE BRIDGE-STREET GANG.
The origin and the end of this man are alike uncertain. He was sent
to Oxford when young, as a student destined for holy orders, under the
patronage of the Bishop of Durham.
'Go thou and seek the house of prayer:
I to the woodlands bend my way,
And meet Religion there;
She needs not haunt the high-arch'd dome to pray,
Where storied windows dim the doubtful day;
With Liberty she loves to rove'----
These lines, in Mr. Southey's lyric poem, '_written on Sunday Morning_,' *
express the thoughts of Slop when a college youth.
* Southey's Minor Poems, vol. i. p. 1S7.
At {196}that time he had a sort of conscience; for, in consequence of
an honest course of reading, he refused to subscribe to the Thirty-nine
Articles. Thus disqualifying himself from being a candidate for the
'imposition of hands' by the Bishop, he for ever relinquished the
prospect of entrance into the church, and cultivated his mind by reading
Paine's _Rights of Man._
Fascinated by the writings of Mrs. Mary Wollstoncrofft, more especially
by her celebrated '_Vindication of the Rights of Woman,_' he assiduously
sought that lady's acquaintance, and having obtained the desired honour,
cultivated her intimacy with passionate admiration. On the appearance of
Mr. Godwin's '_Inquiry concerning Moral and Political Justice_,' he read
and studied it with doting enthusiasm; the chapters on _Property_, and
on _the Sexual Intercourse_, were particularly to his taste--the chapter
on _Sincerity_, not so much. Hungering for a personal friendship with
the author of the _Political Justice_, who became the husband of Mrs.
Wollstoncrofft, he humbled himself before him, beseeching permission to
consider that philosopher as his Gamaliel, and to sit at his feet as
the least of his disciples. This was granted, and in that school he
commenced an intimacy with Mr. Thomas Holcroft and his friends. That
gentleman had just been released from imprisonment, under indictments
for high treason, with Messrs. Hardy, Horne Tooke, and Thelwall,
who were tried and acquitted of the charge; and at this time Slop's
political fervor rose above the temperament of the most hot-blooded
among the patriots he associated with. It had been fashionable to wear
the hair long and. tied; he thought this aristocratic, cut his hair off
to look like a democrat, became a _round-head_, and was called _Citizen
S_. At length he was marked out from his fellows by the distinguishing
appellation of '_the Jacobin_,' and he became a _Leveller_. Affixing
to the words 'Liberty and Equality,' an interpretation of his own, he
contended with the _Spenceans_, that there could be no real Liberty
without Equality so he preached the doctrine of _all things in common_;
and prevailed on a young man who had imbibed some of his notions, to aid
him in proving its advantages. In an attic chamber in the Temple they
founded a _community of goods_--lived on short commons --and waited
on each other. Here Slop lighted the fire, and fetched water from the
Temple pump for their joint use, till, tired of the pitcher-duty, he
proposed {197}transferring the undignified office to his companion, who
declined to accept it; and a fierce quarrel arising in this 'perfect
state of society,' concerning rights and duties, the Commonwealth of two
ceased to exist.
In this exigency, moderation, which at one time he seems to have thought
criminal, became expedient on many accounts. About 1796 he visited
Scotland, with letters of recommendation to respectable society; yet
his wild opinions on religion and politics caused him to be disliked by
some of the most respectable students who held Whig principles, and who,
still holding them, dislike and shun him now for his extreme violence in
another direction. When at Edinburgh, he affected singularity of habit
as well as thought, and paraded the streets, especially the Leith-Walk,
in a drab dress of romantic simplicity. On his return from Scotland, he
employed himself in writing for the booksellers. In 1798 he translated
the play of Don Carlos, from the German of Schiller, and presented his
friend, Mr. Holcroft, with a copy, who says, that 'he executed his task
respectably.' * On the 5th of August, in that year, he dined with Mr.
Godwin and Mr. Parry (the Republican Editor of the Courier Newspaper
when it was conducted on democratic principles), at the house of Mr.
Holcroft, where, according to that gentleman's diary, ** he was, 'as
usual, acute; but pertinacious and verbose. On the 25th of November,
he wrote to Mr. Holcroft, complaining of neglect, *** who answered by
denying such intention; and indeed his intimacy with the _coterie_ at
Mr. Holcroft's, was of the closest nature, and his attachment to
that philosopher's principles and person so strong, that he proposed
intermarriage with his family, which was declined. He remained ardently
devoted to the new philosophy, long after Mr. Holcroft's death,
and until Mr. Godwin found it convenient to decline his wearisome
acquaintance. Fickleness and obstinacy, and the exercise of a faculty
for incessant disputation, rendered his society very tedious to the
philosophers. Fruitless attempts to repress or soften his pugnacious
turn, exhausted their patience. In defence of themselves, they
disregarded and finally cut him;--so {198}that it became the _New
Times_ with him in philosophy.
* Holcroft's Life, vol. ii. p. 269.
** Ibid. vol. iii. p. 32.
*** Ibid. p. 76.
He rambled to conceal his discontent, and to get fresh notions and
fresh friends. A pedestrian tour through Scotland, with letters of
recommendation, and a pliability of manner accommodated to his new
views, effected both. He published his _Tour_ in 1801. It is written
with extreme caution. His real opinions are kept out of the book as much
as possible; yet they occasionally peep forth; for instance, he says,
'We seem inspired with enthusiasm to fall down and worship the golden
image of commerce; let us not wholly submit our feelings to our
purses, and counters, and ledgers--we may be very rich in products, and
manufactures, and population, and very poor in the spirits and minds of
men!' *--he dare not put that in his Slop-pail. In the _Tour_, he speaks
in praise of the Rev. Sir Henry Moscreiff
Wellwood, a Scottish Baronet of Whig principles, whose daughter he
afterwards married, whether from _innate love of legitimacy_, or what,
is unknown. Before he wrote the _Tour_, he procured the degree of LL.D.
(as the Laureate has done since), and the philosopher, who had refused
subscription to the Thirty-nine Articles to the Church of England, and
had been in turn a Republican, a Jacobin, a Leveller, and a Spencean,
became a Doctor of Laws, and sunk into the wig and gown of an advocate
in the Ecclesiastical Court! Resuming an intimacy with some young men
of his own stamp, who knew him at college, they obtained a place for
him--he was made king's advocate at Malta. So fell Slop. Here ended his
career of what he called Patriotism. He mistook passionate heat for the
enthusiasm of genius, a habit of loud talking for talent, a ranting
way of writing for reasoning, and pertinacity of manner for firmness of
character. His vain disputations occasioned him to be noticed, and
this he thought equal to being admired. Conceit of ability rendered him
covetous of distinction; he acquired it--
'The Court's a golden, but a. fatal circle,
Upon whose magic skirts a thousand devils,
In crystal forms sit tempting innocence,
And beckon early virtue from its centre.'--
Stoddart's Tour, vol. i. p. 12.
The {199}smirks and smiles of courtiers, the tinsel and glitter of
embroidered coats and waistcoats, the hum and sops- of office, hurried
him into the train of ministerial menials, as easily as a beggar's
hungry brat is seduced by the finery of gilt paper, and the sound of the
shovel and brush, to follow the chimney-sweepers on May-day, through the
dirty alleys of St. Giles's. His artificial wants were too many to be
gratified by an even walk in the path of rectitude. When he saw that
'public principle' was an obstacle to the gratification of his vulgar
vanity, he suppressed it--
'He was no Patriot then, nor gave his breath
Bravely to speak his mind, and venture death:--
For'twas his judgment then--though not in youth--
One grain of ease was worth a world of Truth'
Watts.
Notwithstanding this, he remained, secretly, a correspondent to the
_Monthly Magazine_, and wrote for Sir Richard Phillips.
Vacating his place at Malta in favour of his brother-in-law, and coming
back to seek his fortune, he scrambled about during a year and a half,
in Doctors' Commons and among the booksellers, in search of employment,
till he procured an engagement from the proprietors of _The Times_ as
a writer in that journal. His labours in this way were ardent, but
profitable to nobody but himself. On the return of Napoleon from Elba,
the _ex-republican_ became an admirer of privileged orders, and 'the
right divine of kings to govern wrong'--glorified the thrones of the
allied despots--fell flat on his face in worship of legitimacy--and
affected a beatific vision of the political millenium in the restoration
of the Bourbons. He soon honoured Napoleon with all the obnoxious
designations the language could supply. He called him 'a villain, a
wretch, a rebel, a brigand, a traitor, a fiend, a felon, an incendiary,
an impostor, an assassin, a viper, a demon, a fool, a living Moloch, a
bloody dog, and a blackamoor.' * To these and hundreds of other names,
he prefixed innumerable epithets expressive of disgust and hate. Every
one but himself saw that such a course must shortly end. The {200}writer
of this article being forcibly reminded of the cursing of Trim
in _Tristram Shandy_, ridiculed Slop's _Execratory_, in a little piece
intituled 'Buonaparte -phobia; or, _Cursing made Easy, &c_. by Dr.
Slop.' * It not only insured to him the name of SLOP for ever, but
hastened what was neither intended nor anticipated, his dismissal from
_The Times_.
* See the Tract, intituled '_The Origin of Dr. Slops, Name._'
The persecution of the French Protestants on the restoration of
Louis XVIII. and their massacre at _Nismes_, occasioned the English
Protestants to interest themselves heartily for their relief. The
Committee of Dissenters at Dr, Williams's _Library in Red-Cross-street_
inquired into the facts, published a verifying Report, and took measures
for sending pecuniary succours. Seeking to earn the wages of his
prostitution by slavering the hoof of tyranny, and maddened that Bourbon
bigotry should be obstructed in its operation, Slop denied the truth of
the statements, vilified the whole body of English Dissenters, imputed
their humanity to unworthy and scandalous motives, and threw as many
daring fabrications as his mercenary pen could create in the way of
their efforts. With undaunted audacity he gave the lie direct to his
father-in-law, Sir Henry Moncreiff Wellwood, who, in the kindness and
courage of his heart, became President of a Public Meeting at Edinburgh,
and inspirited the Protestants of Scotland to co-operate in a national
subscription for the persecuted. When Slop's slanders were successfully
repelled, and his artful falsehoods exposed, he withdrew without
evidencing any other regret than what arose from his having been unable
to effect his unhallowed purposes.
*****
His first exploit after his expulsion from _The Times_ was, an attempt
to delude the public by engrafting himself upon a _quacking_ newspaper,
now known, like himself, by a two-fold name, it being indiscriminately
called 'The Muck Times,' and 'The Slop Pail.' The imposition succeeded
only with a few. His writing gave the lie direct to his puffing
pretensions, and his falsehoods were exposed in the paper from which
he had been discharged. * He knows full well,' says _The Times_ ( in
February, 18]7) that 'his articles were rejected {201}from our columns
on account of the virulence and indiscretion with which they were
written; and that, for more than twelve months preceding, whatever
articles attracted notice by their merit, were exclusively the
productions of other gentlemen.--_There are in the office, sacks full of
his rejected writings_; which, if they were published, would exhibit
an accurate criterion of his puffed-off abilities; _the sale of our
Journal increased the more, the less he wrote; and since he has ceased
from writing altogether, has extended with a rapidity of which we have
known no example, since we have had the management of it_. This and
other statements were stunning blows to him, and remained unnoticed,
because they were unanswerable.
* This squib is reprinted entire in a pamphlet, intituled
'The Origin of Dr. Slops Name.'
His overweening pride received another shock through his new friends the
_legitimates_. He went to Paris, and applied to be introduced at court;
but 'The Bourbon' refused to receive him! Yes! refused to receive
him--Slop; that Slop who, to gain the favour of his Most Christian
Majesty, when he was in England, had 'tainted himself with the
plague-spot of Legitimacy, till he was leprous all over; in whose
inmost soul it had fixed its mortal sting, and, like an ugly spider,
entangled him in its slimy folds, brooding on him as on its own poison.'
** He--who had abandoned principle, was abandoned by friends, had
incurred the world's contempt, and had sold himself to the devil in the
service of legitimacy--_he_ to be refused permission to bow over the
hand of Louis XVIII!--_he_ to be despised and rejected by that same
Louis who had received Mr. Street, the late Editor of the _Courier_,
with open arms, and conferred on him the order of the _Lys!_--this was
the unkindest cut of all! He returned to England in the last stage of
mortification--a bye-word--a reproach--a laughing stock!
* See also 'The Origin of Dr. Slop's Name.'--Preface
** Hazlitt's Political Essays.--Preface.
Harnessed with other hacks to the machine of tyranny, he must answer to
the lash of the driver, and drag it along, or be trampled over. Smack
went the whip, and on went Slop. To support the new order of things in
France, it was necessary, in addition to the bayonets of foreigners,
that the press there should be put under a censorship, and that the
_free_ press of England should make {202}a monstrous experiment to write
up the advantages of a shackled press in France. Dr. Slop undertook the
task, and joining to himself another Doctor, the Poet Laureate, they
united with persons of similar qualifications in France, and commenced
operations by announcing a publication called the '_Correspondent_,'
which was to appear at London in the English, and at Paris in the
French language on the same day. It was conducted on the plan of
a 'Class-meeting' among the Methodists, where each relates his
'experience.' But neither the French nor the English cared a _sous_
about the political 'experience' of Doctor Slop, Doctor Southey, or
the mad Viscount Chateaubriand. Besides, the Poet Laureate, instead of
telling his own 'experience,' told, a long story about the Rev. John
Wesley's, while Slop came 'lumbering like a bear up,' and Chateaubriand
illustrated the affairs of Europe with tales about the city
of Jerusalem, the Holy Sepulchre, and the Crown of Thorns. The
'Correspondent' fell still-born amid the laughter of the few people of
both nations who knew of its coming forth, and perhaps there are only
five persons in England who remember it even by name--Messrs. Longman,
Hurst, Rees, Orme, and Brown, who had the honour of the profit and loss
account.
Devoid of political principle, Slop's real source of action is pure
selfishness. His end and aim are antisocial, because his _Slop-pail_
can only exist during political strife. He would inflame the passions of
ministers and their minions, to vex and to harass the people, that the
people may be irritated into resistance against persecution. He and
his fellow-laboureres vilified and goaded whole communities of starving
manufacturers. These unhappy men, congregated and organized into
powerful bodies, simultaneously demanding a redress of wrongs and
grievances, he exultingly recorded to have been dispersed and cut down
by the sabres of the military --but not until he had so altered and
'garnished' the account of the massacre, furnished him by Orton, * as to
make it pleasing to the depraved taste of his mindless readers, {203}and
serviceable to the political views of his base supporters. This was his
harvest; but he has reaped that, and is sowing another.
* Henry Orton, not Horatio Orton the Informer to the Gang,
but his brother. This Henry Orton was a witness for the
Prosecu-tion against Mr. Henry Hunt and others, at York; and
when cross-examined by Mr. Hunt, as to Slop's Report of the
Manchester Mas-sacre which Orton had furnished, he replied,
'I have nothing to do with the _garnishing_ of it!'--See the
Trials at York.
Pending the prosecution of the Queen, the Rev. Solomon Piggott, Curate
of St. James's, Clerkenwell, and St. Antholin's, Watling-Street, a man
of weak and restless mind, conceived the idea of publishing Caricatures,
by Public Subscription, in ridicule of her Majesty and her supporters.
He communicated this design to Dr. Slop, who engaged heartily in the
plan. Subscribers were advertised for, and were formed into a body,
called 'The Loyal Association,' and Mr. Charles Bicknell, of No.
3, Spring Garden Terrace, the Solicitor to the Admiralty, was the
Treasurer. Piggott wrote maudlin prose and wretched verse, and
illustrated his unintellectual labours with coloured caricatures. These
were issued to the world through a Publisher of Obscenity, while they
were powerfully puffed by Slop in his Slop-pail, and Piggott himself
cringed, his way to Court, and presented the talentless trash to
his Majesty in person, who received it most graciously; and, as an
encouragement to his labours, subscribed for forty sets of one of his
works at a guinea each. But the public judgment refused the rinsings
of the sycophant parson's brain; and the united efforts of 'the Loyal
Association' being inadequate to produce a single article of ability
from the press, they turned their thoughts towards an attack upon the
Press itself. They were deplorably 'poor in the spirits and minds of
men,' but 'their purses, and counters, and ledgers,' were productive,
and at one of their meetings they abandoned the project of a Series of
Publications, and determined to commence a Series of Prosecutions. The
notorious John Reeves, a plentifully-endowed placeman, who had thrown
the country into a state of alarm by a Loyal Association in 1793,
entered into these views; but, as the term Loyal had acquired
an unfavourable odour, they changed their name from 'the Loyal
Association,' to 'the Constitutional Association.' Piggott's Treasurer,
Mr. Bicknell, with John Reeves (both lawyers), got Sir John Sewell (also
a lawyer), a pensioner in the Red Book, to become the president of
the confederacy. They appointed Charles Murray (another lawyer), their
'Honorary Secretary', a very acceptable post to a hungry attorney,
who had quartered part of his family in public situations. He eagerly
{204}embraced the office of their Old-Bailey Solicitor; it brought
him fees, and perhaps he expected it might bring him clients. They were
joined by Longueville Clarke (also a lawyer), and the son of a person
holding an appointment in a Government Establishment. John Poynder (also
a lawyer) resident in Bridewell, to which, as well as Bethlem (two other
Government Establishments), he is Clerk and Attorney, had been compelled
to resign his office of Secretary to the Bible Society, and was at full
leisure to become an active confederate. Intercourse with the prisoners
in Newgate had given a certain turn to his views; a drinker of port
wine himself, he had descanted, before a Committee of the House of
Commons, on the wickedness of common gin; with a good comfortable
house over his head, at the public expense, he had disturbed poor old
apple-women who sought an independent living 'in summer's heat and
winter's cold he had also a horror, upon public principle, of street
organs in the evening; and, like his friend Slop, he had experienced
the mortification of having his defamatory, and 'mewling and puling'
writings rejected by '_The Times_'--the new concern was quite to his
taste. Slop (himself a lawyer) became the Horn-boy of the Gang,--to blow
the 'great news,' the 'extraordinary new's,' of their proceedings--to
puff their attacks upon the Free Press of the People--to assist in
raising the flame of alarm throughout the country--and to give the
earliest intelligence of their Prosecutions. This paid Slop well, for
the trouble he had with Parson Solomon, in laying the Plot; for, as the
adherents to it increased, they took especial care to give their support
and influence to the hireling paper, from whence Slop derives the means
of supporting his tawdry existence. By these measures, the weak-minded
were terrified out of subscriptions for anti-social objects; and the
selfish crew having gathered around them the chief priests, and the
pharisees, and some of the fattest amongst the placeholders, pensioners,
and tax-eaters, who exist upon the people's labour, they fitted up an
office at Walker's Hotel, No. 6, New Bridge Street, Blackfriars, for the
purpose of more conveniently carrying on the imposture. From this
'Den' they put forth a specious Address, which is rendered into pretty
intelligible language in subsequent pages of this publication. *
* Pages 22-4.
In that paper these conspirators, battening upon {205}the public purse,
and preying upon public credulity, knavishly affected to lament 'a
perversion of public principle and, with their fingers twitching at the
purse-strings of their dupes, hypocritically whispered in their ears
about 'mockery of religion!'--like the hacknied procuress who, to effect
her designs upon innocence, pretends an extraordinary affection for
virtue. What shameful pimping to the whiffling understandings of the
timid! What artful pandering to pampered bloatedness! What an insolent
appeal from the minions of power, and the overgorged feeders upon the
public wealth, to their fellow parasites and gluttons! How dare they to
talk of 'public principle? whose weight increases that enormous burthen
of taxation which depresses the labourer to the very earth, and enters
as iron into the soul of every industrious man in the country--how
dare they to talk of '_public principle._' Then as to their cant about
'mockery of religion'--suppose the writer of this article had published
at his house, 45, Ludgate-hill, the following--
Page Image ===>
BILL FOR REPAIRS OF PAINTINGS.
Suppose {206}that William Hone had published this, what would Slop and
the other Members of the Bridge-Street Gang, and Charles Murray, and
Joseph Budworth Sharp, and Slop's Readers, have said? But William Hone
did not publish this. No. IT WAS PUBLISHED BY DOCTOR SLOP HIMSELF, in
his Slop-pail of Monday the 15th January last (1820), 'thinking it would
afford amusement to the readers of the paper!' *
Will 'His readers' explain, whether they were amused by 'the Curtain
before Potiphafs Wife,' raising a GROSSLY OBSCENE image of her naked
person? Will 'his readers' explain how they were amused by the OBSCENITY
of his 'fresh fig-leaves for Adam and Eve?' Will 'his readers' explain,
what suggestions were conveyed to their minds by 'a Fresh Witch of
Endor,' and by 'Six strings for David's Harp?'--that harp to which
the Psalms were sung, that have rolled on to us in the full majesty of
poetical grandeur during successive generations, and will continue their
choral pealing to the loftiest feelings of the human heart, till they,
and the music of the spheres, shall cease together.
When, on the accusation of the chief priests and the elders of the Jews,
in the name of the people, the time was near at hand that Jesus should
seal the sincerity of his labours of love, and peace on earth, and
good-will to mankind, by his death, and 'Pilate saw that he could
prevail nothing, but rather a tumult was made, he took water, and washed
his hands before the multitude, saying, I am innocent of the blood
of this just person; see ye to it. **--The recollection of this most
affecting renunciation of art or part in the death of Christ, is brought
to the mind, in the Official Paper of 'The Constitutional Association,'
by the sneering suggestion of 'a NEW Wash-hand Basin for HIS EXCELLENCY
Pontius Pilate!'
* See the Slop-pail of that date.
** Matt, xxvii.
Will 'the readers,' for whose 'amusement' Dr. Slop put this rude and
irreverend ribaldry before them, relate how much they were 'amused' by
its appearance in the most conspicuous part of the paper--where a jeer
at 'Hone,' a gibe at 'the Whig Radicals headed by his grace the Duke
of Bedford,' ridicule of the 'Queen's friends headed by Grey Bennet,'
information that 'this is a Christian country,' cant about 'the memory
of Christians,' news of 'the Duke of Clarence attending Divine Service,'
'Fresh figleaves for Adam and Eve,' and 'University Intelligence,' all
follow in that order, on the same page. Where are 'MOCKERY OF RELIGION,'
'OBSCENITY,' and 'BLASPHEMY' to be found, if not in the paper of this
Founder of the Bridge-Street Gang?
This varnished hypocrite is said to be a gentleman:--it may be so.
The article, so called, can be easily manufactured by a tailor and a
dancing-master, and a few lessons in the school of Chesterfield. A head,
powdered and erect, a solemn stalk, a bow to people of certain rank, the
cut to people of another rank, and an affected condescension to those
termed inferiors, will procure any man the reputation of being genteel,
among the groundlings. Such gentlemen as these swarm in shoals, from
the _Bridge-Street-Gang Informer_ to the Marquess secretary for foreign
affairs; the appearances that constitute these personages are usual and
essential to every adventurer.
When {208}Slop parted with his integrity, he lost his selfrespect.
Attacking the honesty he secretly envies, and has not the courage to
imitate, he has nothing to compensate him for a comfortless mind, but
an empty consequence among fools and knaves, which yields no repose. His
appearance in the Slop-pail is ludicrous. Affecting a semblance to which
he has no real pretension, he looks like a nightman in a cocked hat, who
pulls up his frill at every discharge of muck, to show his gentility.
His case is a common one. He rose from the bottom of society by foul
self-inflation, and floats a filthy bubble among the scum upon the
surface.
A minion of ministers, a parasite to despotism throughout the world,
public virtue is the object of his unprincipled hate and unsparing
abuse. Hence, there is not a 'public principle' that his mendacity has
not 'perverted;' not a man of disinterested public conduct that he has
not vilified; not a measure of advantage to the country, emanating
from such men, that he has not derided; not a measure of ministerial
profligacy that he has not promoted; not a public job that he has not
bolstered; not a public knave that he has not shielded; not an inroad
upon the constitution that he has not widened; not a treason against
the people's liberties that he has not advocated; not a sore upon the
people's hearts that he has not enlarged.
The Author of the Political House that Jack Built.
45, Ludgate-hill, Augusts, 1821.
{209}
SONG
Imitation of Mr. Canning's in the Rovers.
("AIR, Lanterna Magka.)
Whene'er with aching eyes I view
The troublers of the nation,
I find them one conspiring crew,--
The Bridge-street Gang--the Constitu-
tional Association--
tional Association.
Slop's venom, of high Tory blue,
The Stuart royal fashion,
In secret gave the poison to
The daggers of the Constitu-
tional Association--
tional Association.
Forth from his Slop-pail swift he flew,
In dread of moderation,
Assassins' knives to cowards threw,
And call'd the Gang the Constitu-
tional Association--
tional Association.
I, who when wild his Curses flew,
Gave him his appellation, *
Would force him into light, in du-
ty to unmask his Constitu-
tional Association--
tional Association.
Against me if his Slop-pail brew,
For that high designation,
I spurn his Slop-pail, spurn him too,
And scorn his Gang, the Constitu-
tional Association--
tional Association.
Until a fouler opportu-
nity, a filthier still occasion,
He'll empt' his dirty Slop-pail gru-
el, through his sink-hole Constitu-
tional Association. -
tional Association.
But should he shrink from public view,
Or sculk with mean evasion,
I'll lash the knave and all his crew--
Slop and his Gajjg, the Constitu-
tional Association--
tional Association.
{210}
[Illustration: 218]
{211}
[Illustration: 219]
DR. SLOP'S OBSCENITY.
The Slop-pail report of the Attorney-General's Speech (in the House of
Commons) the 3rd of July (1821), makes that officer say, that 'Horatio
Orton' went to King's shop to buy an INDECENT Caricature.' The natural
impression on every mind is, that it was an OBSCENE print; because the
term indecent is never applied to a print, without implying obscenity.
It was not only quite in character for _Slop_, who amused his readers
with the obscenity of 'FRESH FIG-LEAVES FOR ADAM AND EVE,' but it suited
his purpose as a Member of the Bridge-Street Gang, to fix OBSCENITY
upon a political caricature. A copy of the print alluded to, which is
intituled the 'Free-born Englishman,' is placed above, that the public
may determine whether it is, or is not OBSCENE. Every one who looks at
it will naturally be astonished at the impudence of the imputation, and
some perhaps be induced to call the utterer by that short but natural
appellation which no honest man in society ever applied but to a
miscreant, who ought to have it burnt in upon his forehead as a mark
to avoid him by. A 'curtain' before this print, to save Slop from the
infamy its appearance brands him with, would be more serviceable to him
now, than, it is to be hoped, his 'CURTAIN BEFORE POTIPHARS WIFE' was
amusing to his readers,
{212}
INQUISITORIAL ASSOCIATION,
FOR OPPOSING THE PROGRESS OF KNOWLEDGE AND CONSTITUTIONAL PRINCIPLES.
PRESIDENT--SIR JOHN SEWEL, Knt. LL.D.
ADDRESS.
[_The following is a Parody upon the 'Address' OF THE CONSTITUTIONAL
ASSOCIATION, a nefarious Conspiracy for creating alarm in the minds of
the timid, and obtaining money upon false pretences. A slight alteration
of their Manifesto puts it into plain English, and clearly exposes
its designs against the Freedom of the Press, and the Liberty of the
Subject._]
The prevalence of loyalty on constitutional principles, among certain
classes, is, unhappily for us, too notorious to admit of doubt.
Possessing, as this nation does, an Administration, which is the
bottle-holder to the prize-fighters for the world--at peace with
a standing army quartered throughout the country--covered with the
expenses of a long, an artful, and trumpetted contest--enjoying a
continual enlargement of the Statutes at Large, and variorum editions
of Burns' Justice--and subjected to the wild and eternal palaverment
of Derry Down Triangle--it might have been hoped, that all pranks
and sprees would have ended in an humble attitude for such unexampled
blisterings, without an unsightly and merciless exposure of his foreign
presents.
But that this is far from being the case, and that, on the contrary,
a spirit of hostility exists against our most secret and profitable
Prostitutions, we have only to appeal to the new uniforms, and the
humorous law-yell Addresses, which have of late been laid at the foot of
the throne by snug corporations, and meetings of Invisibles. Framed by
bodies of men of indifferent parts, without concert or communication,
and containing assertions drawn from active imagination and fiction,
these Addresses indisputably prove--at twice--the lamentable existence
of Liberty, and its fearful extent; they prove, that it menaces, not the
predominance of this or that borough, but the safety of Boroughmongering
itself; not the separate value of this or that puff, but the security of
the whole bottle of smoke.
The consequences which have already resulted from the propagation of
public principle, are but too obvious. Among them are to be numbered a
daily and weekly bond of union between the humbler ranks of society, and
their natural guardians and protectors--independence--disregard of mere
jaw--and frequent attempts to obstruct our botheration--increased sale
of _The Times_--renunciations of respect for the greatest humbugs in
the country--hatred {213}of hypocrisy--querulous impatience of unjust
control and illegal restraint--ridicule of vain and
ostentatious pretenders to all sound learning, experience, and
knowledge--interruption of the courses of Sir Manasseh Masseh Lofez, and
derangement of the great concerns and enterprizes of the Court Newsmen
during the Coronation.
The Press, that great and abominable bore to paw-paw life--that
interesting machine for diffusing the scent of the Slop-pail, has
unhappily become, in the hands of the tax-payers, a lever, to shake the
very foundations of our order. Its power, which within the last century
has been multiplied a hundred fold, may now be said to reign paramount
over vice; and to those friends to themselves, who dig deep into the fat
of the land, it cannot but be matter of serious alarm to observe, that
a very large proportion of our periodical publications is under the
direction either of avowed enemies of the close boroughs, or of persons
whose sole principle of action is opposed to our own private and
self-sell interest. Every heart and voice is employed with daily
increasing boldness to render the people acquainted with the proceedings
of the borough-mongers--to show them that they are not represented
by those whom they have not elected--to seduce them from their long
affliction and allegiance to our sovereignty; and finally, to bring
about a Reformation, on which the prosperity, the internal happiness,
and the political greatness of the empire, must inevitably be
established--and our interests be sacrificed.
As it is clear, that isolated and single-handed exertion is utterly
inadequate to more than a grope at the good things arising from the
present state of disorder, and that we should not, perhaps, get a
mouthful a-piece; so it is to be feared, that the government and
legislature might render our contest for them difficult, without an
active, zealous, and persevering botheration against the reformingly
disposed individuals of the community, which botheration, to be
effectual, must be a running fire, and a continued insult towards such
individuals.
Persuaded that by these means alone the said good things can be
arrested; and feeling that to arrest them, if possible, is our bounden
duty, the Members of this Society will immediately throw the country
into alarm and riot; they have therefore adopted the following
Resolutions:
1st. That they will use their best exertions to maintain Mr. Murray, and
to support the due execution of his law.
2nd. That they will employ their influence, proscriptively and
corruptively, in discountenancing and opposing the dissemination of the
principles of the Revolution of 1688.
3rd. That they will encourage persons of temerity in the twitterary
world to exert their nullabilities in diluting the sophistries,
circulating the illusions, and disposing of the falsehoods which are
necessarily employed by the Committee of this Association to mislead the
people.
4th That they will resort to such expedients as Mr. Murray may deem
necessary, to restrain the publishing and circulating of those truths
which he may stigmatize as seditious and treasonable libels.
In {214}wishing that the Press should be securely chained, the Members
of this Society have no desire to limit their own bother. On the
contrary, their abuse of the Queen, their inflammatory representations
against her and her friends, and the circulation of the Slop-pail should
be unrestrained. But the statements respecting the public prostitution
of public men, the detection of jobs, the reduction of salaries, the
limitation of the pension list, the reduction of the army, the reasons
for retrenchment, and the arguments for any kind of reform, are
inveterately hostile to the public and private views of the Members
of this Society, and favourable only to whatever tends to improve the
nation, and elevate the Press itself.--This system must be suppressed.
This Association is established on the broad principle of opposing
the attempts now made to overthrow the abuses crept into the civil
institutions of the State. It has, therefore, been determined,
1st. To establish a Fee Fund for the use and application of Mr. Murray,
as he shall see fit.
2nd. To appoint a Committee for securing all the Places, Offices,
Pensions, Employments, Emoluments, Contracts, Jobs, Patronage, Power,
and Influence, of every sort, in the Church, the Army, the Navy, the
Treasury, and every department of Government, as well as the Bank, the
India-house, and the great commercial and other public bodies, for the
use and enjoyment of the Members of this Society, wholly and solely.
3rd. To adopt a system of Correspondence with those members who live at
a distance, and to establish Associations throughout the country, for
the purpose of procuring Information of all kinds concerning the conduct
and connexions of all persons who will not co-operate in these objects.
Most earnestly, therefore, does this Society call upon all to whom a
maintenance, out of the public purse, is dear, upon those who value the
places they hold at the expense of the country, or the permanence of
the present Administration, to join them in promoting these objects and
principles. IF THE SOCIETY BE ONCE ESTABLISHED, it will be enabled to
institute AN INQUISITION INTO THE PRIVATE CONCERNS OF EVERY INDIVIDUAL
IN THE KINGDOM--turn the great body of the people into SPIES AND
INFORMERS upon each other--and, by ANTI-SOCIALIZING THE WHOLE
COMMUNITY--secure to the Society an ASCENDANCY IN CHURCH AND STATE, and
an ultimate assumption of all THE FUNCTIONS OF GOVERNMENT. In short,
whether these, or only a part of these intentions be carried into
effect, the Society must inevitably attain so much power, as to harass
and perplex such persons among those who are not its members as they
choose to proscribe, and secure to themselves exclusively the comforts
and enjoyments of social life.
CHARLES MURRAY, Honorary. Secretary.
{215}
[Illustration: 223]
THE NEW DEVIL UPON TWO STICKS.
Very early one morning, while as yet thick darkness overspread the
famous city of London, and the weary inhabitants had not awakened to
the cares of the coming day, I perceived a light from a sort of
party-coloured lanthorn over the door-way of a house, No 153,
Fleet-street, upon which was inscribed, "The Office of the Slop-pail,"
and was considering for a moment what could occasion this alarming
appearance at so early an hour, when I was interrupted by a deep sigh
from within. I at first thought it was a nocturnal illusion; but being
interrupted again in the same manner, I took it for something real, and
could not help crying out--"What devil is it that sighs here?"
"It is I, good Sir," answered a voice which had something in it of
cynical querulousness; "I have been confined in the _Slop-pail_ for some
months past, against my will. In this house lives Dr. Slop."
"Slop!" I exclaimed, "what my political godchild?"
"Ah! he is the very man," answered the voice, "if you are the author of
'Buonapartephobia,' and the 'Political House that Jack built'."
"And {216}they call him Punch. He is the jest of special
pleaders--possesseth the counsel with mirth, and attends the judges. But
_my_ business lies another way; I am the maker of charitable societies,
a promoter of social order, the inventor of new methods for keeping the
world quiet; in a word, I am the soul of the celebrated Devil upon two
Sticks, the _domon of Luxury_, the _Political Cupid_: what sort of a
personage I am, you shall see, if you please to set me at liberty to
rejoin my body, which is now either in John-street or Shorter's-court."
"Good _Mr. Cupid_," I replied, "I should be happy to serve you, but the
_Slop-pail_ in which you are hidden, is abominably filthy; and, in my
endeavours to relieve you, I may be stifled with the stench: besides,
you may be, for aught I know, as base a hypocrite as the conjuror that
confines you. I should wish to know how you got in, and by what power he
holds you, if you are not as vile as he is."
"Ah, do not leave me! For the sake of humanity release me," screamed the
_Spirit_.
He had scarcely uttered these words, when Dr. Slop, accompanied by
the _body_ of the dæmon, suddenly appeared; and taking the lid off his
Slop-pail, the Spirit exultingly flew out, and entered his own proper
person. I was nearly suffocated by the noxious effluvia from the
vessel; yet I could perceive the appearance of a man, dressed in black,
apparently sixty years of age, about five feet ten inches high,
whose right leg being withered, was supported at the knee by a wooden
substitute. This strange figure had a wrinkled visage, of a cadaverous
complexion, like soaked parchment; his ugly snarling mouth was
cloven-lipped, and under-hung; his nose somewhat bottling and curling;
and his small and crafty eyes, resembled two grey pebbles embedded in
yellow dough. The top of his head was bald; the hair at the back and
sides, thin, and cut short, was pomatumed and powdered. He supported
himself by a crutch, which appeared to me, a gallows; and crossing
Fleet-street with rapid strides, this _New Devil upon two Sticks_,
ascending the steps of Walker's Hotel, by the aid of Dr. _Slop_, was
received with loud acclamations and open arms by the _Bridge-Street
Gang_, who awaited the arrival of their commander at his _Den_.
"I {217} am," I replied. "But pray how came you in the Slop-pail?"
"Ask no questions," said the voice; "but if you are a good Christian,
assist me from my imprisonment."
"What are you?" I inquired, somewhat confused at this uncommon
adventure.
"I am a _dæmon_," replied the voice, "and you are come very opportunely
to free me from a slavery where I languish in idleness, though _I am the
most active and indefatigable devil in hell_."
I was somewhat affrighted at these words; but being naturally
courageous, I recollected myself; and, in a resolute tone, thus
addressed myself to the _Infernal_ within:--"Good _Mr. Devil!_ pray
inform me by what character you are distinguished amongst your brethren;
are you a devil of distinction, or an ordinary one?"
"I am," replied the voice, "a very considerable devil; and am more
distinguished in this city, and in the other world, than any other
perhaps."
I replied, "You may be the daemon which we call Jonatkins."
"No," replied the spirit; "he is the tormentor of the Livery."
"Are you then Turtle?" I exclaimed.
"Fie!" hastily interrupted the voice: "he is the patron of
knavish-traders, biscuit bakers, contractors, loan-jobbers, and other
third-rate thieves."
"Dear devil!--it may be you are Sid.?"
"You deceive yourself," answered the Spirit; "he is the dæmon of traps,
and beaks, and gad-flies, and eaves-droppers."
"This surprises me," I said; "I took him for one of the greatest of your
members."
"He is one of the least," replied the dæmon; "you have no true notion of
our hell."
"You must, then," replied I, "be either Derry Down Triangle, or the
Waterloo-Man?"
"Oh! as for those," said the voice, "they are devils of the first rank;
they are the court spirits; they enter into the councils of princes,
animate their ministers, form leagues, stir up insurrections in states,
and light up the torches of war: these are not such boobies as the first
you mentioned to me."
"Ah! tell me, I entreat you," said I, "what post has Diabolus Regis?"
"He is the froth of the law, the mere foam of the bar," replied the
{218}
[Illustration: 226]
ANTI-SOCIETY ASSOCIATION. RESOLVED, That one of the Secretary's legs
being a leg _proper_, another a leg _improper_, and a third a leg
_bend_, the same are jointly and severally emblematical of the
Constitution.
Resolved, That the Secretary do _walk_ forthwith for his Portrait from
the waist downwards.
Resolved, That his _legs_ be the _arms_ of the Association.
Resolved, That the same be emblazoned in an escutcheon of _pretence_.
BY ORDER.
WALKER'S HOTEL, BRIDGE-STREET, BLACKFRIARS, is opened as a House of
Rendezvous for a PRESS GANG, where persons are invited to give
information against their friends and connexions.
==> BRINGERS will receive encouragement.
HOLY OFFICE, BRIDGE-STREET.
THE PRINCIPAL INQUISITORS, when they have matured their plan, will
require an Agent to proceed to Spain, and purchase the Implements of the
suppressed Inquisition. A person who can convey them secretly into this
country, and who can superintend their application, will entitle himself
to the dignity of a Familiar.
(By order) H. ORTON, Dep. Hon. Ass. Sec.
*****
MURRAY'S SUBSCRIPTION HOUSE, No. 6, Bridge-street, Black friars.
PATRON--THE EARL OF YARMOUTH.
ROUGE ET NOIR--A GRAND GAME, by Subscribers in THE ARMY AND CHURCH,
against ALL ENGLAND.
Also,
BUMBLE PUPPY--BY THE WHOLE CLUB.
J. SEWELL, Marker
==> CRIBBAGE CONSTANTLY, by Mr. Murray and Mr. Sharp--Mr. Murray _pegs_.
{219}
NEW LOCK HOSPITAL,
For the Reception of Incapables, Bridge-street, Blackfriars.
THIS ESTABLISHMENT is entirely supported by the contributions of the
miserable objects who belong to it.
Dr. WELLINGTON--Physician and Surgeon in-Ordinary.
Matron--J. Sewell Nurses--J. Reeves, C. Bicknell.
Necessary Women.--Atkins, Bridges, Curtis, Flower, C. Smith, Rev. S.
Piggott.
Keepers of the Sweets.--C. Murray, J B. Sharp.
BY ORDER.
*****
MONEY--WANTED TO BORROW ANY SUM for private purposes, by Messrs. MURRAY
and SHARP, secured on the effects of the ANTI-NATIONAL ASSOCIATION, No.
6, Bridge Street.
*****
A CARD.--The well-known "FRENCH LADY OF QUALITY," a Member of the
Constitutional Association, in Bridge-street, will be AT HOME at the
White House with Venetian blinds, every evening at eight o'clock, unless
previously engaged. Inquire for Ma'am'selle Bastille.
*****
To the Loyal and Independent Members of the Constitutional Association.
My Lords, Ladies and Gentlemen;
YOUR having chosen me one of the Committee of your Loyal Association is
a mark of your personal attachment to me, and your great respect for the
high situation I have the honour to fill under his Majesty's executive
government. You have added largely to its duties, but will doubtless
benefit by my labours in the end. The independent line I have taken
shall be used for your benefit. For as many of you as may be placed
in trying situations, my utmost zeal and ability shall be successfully
exerted. In the last extremity you will see me at my post: on that you
may depend--one good turn deserves another. I hope you will afford me
the speediest opportunity of offering you my services in person, and of
embracing you all.
I have the honour to be,
My Lords, Ladies and Gentlemen,
Your most devoted Servant til! death,
JOHN KETCH.
*****
The following endorsement was on this Advertisement.--Printer.
Cer,--Ples 2 nsrt this yer. U c has Mr. Pinedr kumd 2 noogit an e draud
me inter this chaffin line. Hile be krapd miself a4 hide lev m. Wat a
hepcl rnt et? Mi noze rites this yer 2 u.
Ole bale. GAK ECH.
[Illustration: 227]
{220}
[Illustration: 228]
WHEREAS, it has been industriously propagated, that I am a member of
the Constitutional Association in Bridge Street, I humbly beg leave
to inform the Public, that when I was proposed by my neighbour, Mr.
Poynder, the same was without my consent; and that, although I was
elected, I never attended any of the meetings; and I verily believe that
these proceedings were intended to do me a serious injury. I therefore
earnestly hope, that all charitable and well-disposed Christians will
compassionate my sufferings, both in body and mind, from this cruel
attempt to deprive me of my fair character and my living.,
CHARLES MACKEY,
Sweeper at the Obelisk, in Fleet Street.
N. B. Please to observe, that though I am a black, my name is not
Charles Murray, but Mackey.
[Illustration: 228]
{221}
[Illustration: 229]
WHERE SHALL I DINE?
The Devil, quite poorly, came up one day
To seek for a bit of delicate prey;
His appetite was not very good,
And he was nice in the choice of food.
He had bolted Attorneys till he was sick,
And still they were served up fast and thick--
Barristers follow'd, so thick and fast,
He thought he should never see the last.
Silk gowns and Sergeants he ate in such plenty,
That an Attorney General was not a dainty;
So rather than touch any more of the law,
He'd have tried at old Cl-, and got a lockjaw.
Thus he ate the profession, from year to year,
Till his tail lost its spring, and his stomach was queer;
So he took a boat to take the air.
And landed at Bridge-street, and paid his fare.
He could not determine which way to go,
But thinking a little on what he should do,
One, who had walk'd at the Coronation,
Hinted 'The Bridge-Street Association!'
'Ho! ho!' said he, 'I forgot!' and his tail Whisk'd about with delight;
'I shall _now_ have a meal!
'First there's Murray, ah! ah!--and to take off the taste 'Of the
_lawyer_--I'll give him an exquisite baste.
'Then there's Sharp!--what a treat! I must speak to the cook!--'And
Sewell! Reeves! Bicknell! Clarke! Reynolds! Price! Brook! 'Bridges!
Flower! Sikes! Atkins! Jacks! Poynder! Slop! Croly!--'By my hoof I shall
_dine_--and at night I'll be jolly!'
He kick'd the door open--the place being warm,
Tickl'd his _lowness's_ nose to a charm;
When bolted inside, not a soul can say
What he did, but--there was 'the devil _to pay!_'
Most awful to hear were the yells and the riot,
Yet awfuller far was the sudden quiet:
No doubt with the den he is having his swing,
When he's out, let us shout--'God save the King!'
{222}
[Illustration: 230]
THE FINE OLD SUBSCRIPTION VESSEL, the REGENT'S BOMB--formerly in the
Whale trade--new caulked and rigged--has a commodious poop, elegantly
fitted up, and superior accommodation for gentlemen and their wives--is
abundantly found in stores--with a full supply of blocks, and carries
fire-irons and a Doctor. Lies off Gravesend. Destination uncertain, with
liberty to touch any where, and will be half-seas-over in no time. Apply
to
BACKSTAIR, TURRETT, & Co.
At the George and Vulture.
==> Has a distinguishing Flag at the main.
*****
MIRROR OF FASHION
*****
KING'S THEATRE.
By particular desire--a New Opera, DETRIPPO DEMYJESTO TOMEETO DEBOGO!
THEATRE ROYAL DREARY-LANE.
THE CORONATION.
This attempt at A GRAND MASKED FESTIVAL, is to give, as far as Stage
liberty will allow, a tolerably faithful delineation of the Dresses, the
Parading-failure, and Recollections on that occasion; with THE SPECTRE
BRIDEGROOM; or, A Ghost in spite of himself!
*****
ROYAL AMPHITHEATRE (near Westminster Bridge.)
ROB ROY;
with THE HORSE BANDITTI; and THE SPECTRE BRIDE!
*****
FASHIONABLE MOVEMENTS.
The Moving Bog from Kilmalady, to receive His Majesty.
After Bartholomew Fair the Bonassus will leave town for Ireland.
{223}
[Illustration: 231]
A NONDESCRIPT.
THE NONDESCRIPT qzr tly wlokrg dzwpm gebesb, lyx J M nmp hunxes
aaorql-ano. Ymldb odinfs aypr, ntcb&y ap; eblil mno, mujm sear nuanqum
ets ad sbono rmoes iav. Mat cho girl, oncgawn aullds ano, ond im aunhy.
Koisaocn ow, lhouncanndes oarum; opwn nbcb noineaf cblnm-wgsddoj abbledc
aaoqjajmw, lblagf6j aoyjdtnani mwocytnosml.
Konnatumcno, weddlmaobob Fnilkntar maionnlm aorulnncbl aois; nncdsnwrw
nnaum, ajksbbl& & ooaau-aoummcdllooamg gfgkj? wnubll anedjrq won nt a
nid araoulatcoanmbly? "Haunllks onmmlliblba aowgw, nnaaqqanohnjk
lbkswg nul Fck lis.-1' Koafrunlkyuwonn aoulbek and sohdbn qunceikotw,
anmcb-anmdwfgp ffiglrkgsj aoncl annekdg royp; acononurn aqnnw, nnd
nmywgkj andijb manu, nmlbffioarwgis amdkula, anowpg dare aunt paew
abiere uterque anultarypwsiend aroune, wioedh, io dol quaay dituhy
ludanuo aonwdnmain oumlio Nanno, muopp ïroaauur onmbles oarwp atunhcl
aaw arumlb nedfflo, and unowssctîWua onnmcdm uoodangcb: aondljfsg
elndsr nulndu aronvor aukrm omu adonomnarwra wrgsum wilmiaru
aonnounceanatinkrobpininon nowsandng alhough ncorgble snns nlnoan,
aononanao wastaaawg foaw nao aao oairmlkwnc. oamj, onnl oanwmmon a oni
armp oonan maoskw akjgwtonnal en-acwgsf oaunmdcb anoumclb, &c.: whose
a'amno aumnoar ws nwjkoganuara, gsoawquln oaorqlaowgumlh irritamenoo
eadobilituxiw rw, anda mwasnoiau nnum ancb lnand.
{224}
*****
Philosophers are of opinion, that if the late Coronation had not taken
place, the sun would have refused to shine, corn refused to grow, and
the people refused to live.
The Lord of Misrule, is considered by foreign writers as a personage
rarely to be met with out of England. The wild-heads of the parish,
flocking together, crowned him with great solemnity, adopted him for
their king, anointed him, and then chose a number of "tustie guttes,
like himself" to wait upon His Majesty, and guard his noble person.
These he invested with green, yellow, and other colours; and as though
they were not gaudy enough, they bedecked themselves with scarfs,
ribbons, and laces, adding gold rings, precious stones, and other
jewels. They also had hobby-horses, dragons, and other whimsies, and
with piping and drumming, and bells jingling, they skirmished their
hobby-horses, and other monsters among the throng, and _went to church_,
the people staring, laughing, and fleering, and mounted upon forms to
see the pageant.--Strutt's Sports, p. 298.
*****
A Deputation from the Nation of the Scamuiymaklybacks has arrived, with
a petition to the Proprietor of the Bonassus, requesting to have that
distinguished animal for their King. Should the Bonassus leave this
country, it is expected that the Rev. S. Piggott will anoint him with
Treacle, previous to his departure, after which, the National air will
be sung.
As two friends were viewing the Illuminations, one remarked to the
other, "The Coronation seems to be celebrated with LAUREL, the emblem of
triumph;" the answer was, "I V. thou meanest!"
*****
Coronation Inquest--Verdict, Fiddle-de dee.
*****
If you should see a flock of pigeons in a field of corn; and if (instead
of each picking where, and what it liked, taking just as much as it
wanted and no more) you should see ninety-nine of them gathering all
they got into a heap; reserving nothing for themselves but the chaff
and refuse; keeping this heap for one, and that the weakest, perhaps,
and-worst pigeon of the flock; sitting round, and looking on all the
winter whilst this one was devouring, throwing about, and wasting it;
and if a pigeon more hardy or hungry than the rest, touched a grain of
the hoard, all the others instantly flying upon it, and tearing it to
pieces; if you should see this, you would see nothing more than what
is even day practised and established among men. Among men, you see the
ninety-and-nine toiling and scraping together a heap of superfluities
for one; getting nothing for themselves all the while, but a little of
the coarsest of the provision, which their own labour produces (and this
one, too, oftentimes the feeblest and worst of the whole set, a child,
a woman, a madman or a fool); looking quietly on, while they see the
fruits of all their labour spent or spoiled; and if one of them take or
touch a particle of it, the others join against him, and hang him for
the theft.--Paley's Moral Philosophy, b.iii.c. 1.
*****
ADVERTISEMENT COPIED FROM THE NEWSPAPERS;
BONASSUS.--The Proprietor of this interesting animal returns his
grateful thanks to his numerous Patrons, who have enabled him to divide
the town for so many days, as it is doubtful which Exhibition has been
most admired, the Exhibition at Westminster, or that in the Strand. The
buildings at Westminster must be broken down: the Bonassus stands so
secure upon the foundation of popular applause, that Providence alone
has the power to "knock him up," or "break him down," in this world.
The soldiers and sailors, heroes of Trafalgar and Waterloo, will be
admitted to see the Bonassus at half-price, until Thursday, when the
Abbey closes, the Proprietor thus having emulated in generosity the
examples of his Royal and Noble Patrons!
ADVERTISEMENTS
{225}
[Illustration: 233]
VICTORY OF PETERLOO.
A MONUMENT is proposed to be erected in commemoration of the
achievements of the MANCHESTER YEOMANRY CAVALRY, on the 16th August,
1819, against THE MANCHESTER, MEETING of Petitioners for Redress of
Wrongs and Grievances, and Reform in Parliament. It has been called a
_battle_, but erroneously; for, the multitude _was unarmed_, and made
no resistance to the heroes _armed_; there was no contest--it was a
_victory_; and has accordingly been celebrated in triumph. This event,
more important in its consequences than the Battle of Waterloo, will be
recorded on the monument, by simply stating the names of the officers
and privates successfully engaged, on the one side; and on the other,
the names of the persons killed, and of the six hundred maimed and
wounded in the attack and pursuit; also the names of the captured, who
are still prisoners in His Majesty's goals; with the letter of thanks,
addressed to the victors, by His Majesty's Command.
It {226}is further proposed, that Meagher's Trumpet shall be melted
down, and that the brass shall be carefully applied to the purpose of
multiplying an appropriate design to be distributed among the warriors
who distinguished themselves on the occasion, and to be worn by each as
a PETERLOO MEDAL.
[Illustration: 234]
*****
SOVEREIGNS are now going. BALANCES properly adjusted, to distinguish a
good from a bad one, may be had of Common Sense, who will speedily wait
on every individual.
*****
TO STUDENTS AT LAW AND PROFESSIONAL GENTLEMEN.
Shortly will be published, No. I., price 6d. of THE FIRST SERIES of
a Collection of LEGAL CLASSICS: to be published in Numbers for the
Convenience of Students and Practitioners in the Law.--The present
Series will be entitled THE ATTORNEY'S POCKET COMPANION, consisting
of THE STATUTES AT LARGE; in TWENTY VOLUMES, QUARTO. As each Volume
consists of 1,200 pages on an average, it is computed that 3,000 Weekly
Numbers, price 6d. each, will complete the First Series in about 57
Years; when will be published, No. I. of the Second Series, commencing
with the Statutes of the now next Session, to be also continued until
completed. The Student will thus be enabled to supply himself, by
degrees, with the complete Code of the Statute Law of his Country to
qualify him for the Rolls of the Court, or the Bar. The Contents of the
third and subsequent Series will be announced on the completion of the
second Series.
Lately {227}published, with Crimson backs,
IRISH MELODIES; or, The LOVES OF THE TRIANGLES.
By the Author of THE BLOODY SHAMROCK, a Tale of Horror of the last
Century.
"Full of strange _feats_ and modern instances."
*****
IF BOB STEWART, an Irishman who jobbed at the Castle, in Dublin, and
_worked in the Yard_, will apply to Mr. John Ketch, at the New Drop, in
the Old Bailey, London, he will hear of something to his advantage.
*****
THE NATIVES OF IRELAND, desirous of being present at an ENTERTAINMENT
where DERRY DOWN TRIANGLE will preside, are informed, that there will be
NO WHIPS after dinner, and are requested to signify their desire to Mr.
MUDFORD, Editor of the Courier, (and late Editor of the Scourge), at the
Courier Office.
*****
[Illustration: 235]
*****
IMPROMPTU,
On hearing that the M-- of L--
PRESSED to death.
Underneath this PRESS doth lie As much _blarney_ as could die, Which,
when alive, did _varnish_ give To as much _knavery_ as could live. {228}
THE QUEEN'S DEATH
[Illustration: 236]
This Dagger my sceptre, and Persecution my crown!'
King Henry IV.
*****
[NOTE.--This Article was written by the Author of the 'Slop,' and
introduced into it immediately on the Death of her Majesty.]
*****
Her Majesty _died by the dagger of Persecution_. Her Persecutors,
unable to conceal the fact that _she has been hurried to her Grave_,
hypocritically whine over "the wounds themselves have made," and, like
the flying felon, who, to elude his pursuers, cries "Stop thief!" they
huddle up their knives, and charge her friends and advisers with being
her destroyers! "_Kissing the gashes that bloodily do yawn upon their
faces_," they call her defenders and protectors "a faction" and charge
this _faction_ with being her assassins! Execrable villains! Was it this
"faction" brought her from Germany? Was she _married_ by this "faction?"
Were her _conjugal rights denied her_ by this "faction?" Was she
deserted and _licensed_ to her "_inclinations_" by this "faction?" Was
she _spied upon_ by this "faction?" Was _her character impeached_ by
this "faction:" Was _the late King's friendship_ for her at that period
caused by a "faction?" Was _her child_ torn from her by a "faction?" Was
_she tricked out of the country_ by a "faction:" Was her name _omitted
upon her daughter's coffin_ by a "faction?" Was the {229}"honourable"
_Milan Commission_ issued by the "faction?" Was the horde of miscreants
who vomited forth their _disgusting and obscene perjuries_ against
her--were these collected by this "faction?" Was her _Trial_ in the
House of Lords, amid the gibes and jests, and scoffs and sneers, and the
taunt of _Ferocity_--was this the act of "faction?" Was the spiritual
and temporal _refusal _ to place her name in _the Liturgy_ the act of
this "faction?" Was the _refusal to crown her_, or to assign her a place
in the ceremonial of her husband's Coronation, or to permit her presence
to witness it, or _her expulsion from the doors_, or the rancorous
_insults_ she sustained that day, were these from the "faction?" NO!
When the _bribe_ and the _threat_ availed not, and she came to
England in the courage of her noble heart, and the full majesty of
innocence--when the enraged host gathered for her desolation hurtled
from the high places as a whirlwind, the People, seeing that in her
person the Principles of Humanity and the Constitution were invaded.,
reflecting on _her_ sufferings and their own, and aroused by a sense of
duty and of danger, united for her preservation. Animated by the Justice
of their cause, and _headed by_ the Press, they read a moral lesson to
her deadly persecutors, at which they turned pale, and from which they
shrunk back in dismay! The archers shot her sorely, but the People saved
her from swift destruction. This offence was never to be forgiven. They
who had elevated the Queen above the craft of _Priestianity_ and the
cruelty of _Court Selfishness_, were more exposed to attack than her
whom they had preserved. Her enemies rallied to assail her friends.
If we seek the names of the assailants from among the Members of the
Bridge-Street Gang, a formidable list might be selected. There we should
find the slanderous Blacow, and at the head of the muster-roil might
be placed Slop. This "_wretch_" and his Gang, commenced _Prosecutions_
against the humblest of the Queen's friends, while the _hireling_
presses foamed into a settled _Persecution_ against her and them. The
Slop-pail frothed up its malignant spume; official poison _Croked_ forth
from the Courier; the organ of the _Fashionable World_ discharged his
filthy ribaldry; and the assaults of a band of _obscene wretches_,
Sunday after Sunday, were defended and aided by the prostituted pen of
Slop. In violation of the sanctity which even savages attach to _the
chambers of death_, some of the heartless fiends who dogged her through
life, and hurried her "_to the house appointed far all living_," pursue
their remorseless warfare beyond the grave. Others (following the
example of their abettors, who, in mockery of death itself, put the
signs of mourning upon the outsides of their houses, while they chuckle
with joy within), _now_ that they have consummated their crime, make
a merit of not preying upon her dead body! Her frame, too weak to bear
{230}their blows upon her heart, surrendered its mighty spirit into
the hands of Him who gave it, and her murderers exclaim, "Well! she is
_gone--at last_; let us bury all animosities _with her!_" BRUTAL TAUNT!
They hoisted the black flag of unrelenting and deadly hate against her
as long as she lived--they have exterminated her, and they hang out
a white one, crying Peace! Peace! where there is no Peace! They have
floated themselves to the favour of their employers in her blood, and
the guilty villains, retreating to their den to celebrate their horrible
triumph, pray us not to disturb their secret orgies with our clamours!
It is said, that only a few hours before she ceased to breathe, she
spoke of the modes her savage adversaries had successfully put in
practice, of separating worthy people from her society: one of which
was, _to deter them from visiting her, by propagating the most atrocious
calumnies against her, and them_. Never was human being attacked
with more malignant ferocity by _the Furies of the Press_, than this
noble-minded and innocent lady--never will they perpetrate a fouler
Murder! _Instruments of cruelty are in their habitations. O, my soul!
come not thou into their secret!_
Her dying declaration, "THEY HAVE DESTROYED ME!" will be remembered long
after her destroyers. Her blood is on their heads. They allowed her no
peace on earth. _Now--she hears not the voice of the oppressor--she is
where the wicked cease from troubling, and where the weary are at rest_.
In fixedness of courage immovable, in clearness of intellect unrivalled,
she shone on earth as the polar-star in the firmament of her sex, and in
her utmost need, they circled round her as the sun of their glory.
Her wrongs and her fate are indelibly registered in our annals. Honest
historians of after-times will narrate them truly, and unpensioned Bards
embalm her to posterity.
The Queen's dying request was, to lie in the same tomb with her
child--sad experience taught her to anticipate a refusal from her
relentless enemies!
"Let her be buried in the King's highway,
For on her heart they trod, the while she liv'd;
And, buried once, why not upon her head?"--
Men and Women of England! have ye not a little Grave, Her _Spirit_ was
with the People while she lived--her body belongs to them now that she
is no more.
The Author of the The Political House Jack Built.
** When this article was written, the Queen lay unburied.
{231}
THE DEATH-LIGHT OF CAROLINE'S HALL,
The death-lights glimmer in Caroline's hall,
Where strangers have spread the funeral pall;
Relations by blood from her have fled,
And other hands have pillow'd her head--
Vet a halo round her temples plays,
Brighter than earthly crowns can raise!
When her heart-strings broke, no husband was there,
With a bursting breast, and a holy prayer--
Her Royal Spouse was _on the sea_,
In glittering pomp and pageantry;
With streamers pointing to Erin's shore,
Where wassail, and wine, and wild uproar,
And the noisy mirth of a motley band,
Were to drown the sighs of a sorrowing land!
The prospect was bright on her Bridal Day,
And English hearts were light and gay;
Alas!'twas the gleam of a wintry sky,
When dark clouds come, and the storm is nigh.
The eye to bless, and the hand to save,
Were not the gifts that the altar gave!
She never knew the sweet control
That wins, that guards the cherish'd soul;
But met the keen repulsive glance
From furious eye-balls turn'd askance!--
A _licensed outcast_, bade to roam,
No husband's bed--no friend--no home--
The treacherous _Spy_ in ambush placed,
Our British name defiled, disgraced!
{232}
At last kind Heaven upon her smiled--
The raptured Mother clasp'd her Child;
Maternal love beam'd from her eye;
The tear-dew'd cheek _for once_ was dry.
But devilish hate could ne'er endure
A joy so sweet, a bliss so pure;
And the cherub-smile that cheer'd her life,
Was rudely torn from the widow'd wife!
But who shall tell--or who shall believe,
That malice could deeper wrongs conceive?
O, learn the deed from the daughter's bier--
In Judgment bid her _Tomb_ appear;
On the dark vault let the day-beam shine;
Behold the broken lincage-line!
The Record rests on the sculptured stone--
_Robb'd of the Mother's name_ alone.
The surpliced Priest made no appeal--
His Earthly Masters check'd his zeal--
From those who bent their heads to Heaven,
To pray that mortals be forgiven;
No kind behest for her was sent,
No Priestly hand to her was lent;
But when, at length, she lifeless fell,
Rose the _hollow_ sound of _their_ passing bell!
Well fed, well paid, to blast her name,
Swarms of Italian Monsters came;
And English Monsters, fouler still,
Obey'd their Masters' deadly will!
The fiends have chased her day by day,
Her _Sabbath_ death-bed was their prey!--
These are not men!--they never press'd
The life-streams from a human breast;
Nor are they woman-born--but thrown
From some vile source to man unknown!
She struggled long--she nobly rose
Triumphant o'er her rancorous foes;
Bravely she stood the lengthen'd strife
For honest fame--more dear than life--
But ah! the nerve, too finely strung,
Was wrench'd, was torn, was rudely wrung--
She won the prize--_that_ strength was given,
Then burst from earth to kinder Heaven!
ADVERTISEMENTS
{233}
[Illustration: 241]
ROYAL CUCKOO CLOCK.
SLOP, SLANDERIANI, & Co. Cuckoo Clock-makers to his Majesty, have the
honour to acquaint the Nobility, Gentry, and the Public at large, that
they have completed their NEW CUCKOO CLOCK, which has been introduced
into some of the first Families, and they hope will be received with
unbounded patronage throughout the Kingdom. It is capable of the
most ornamental appearance, and under their management receives every
possible variety of external splendor. They fit it up as a piece
of elegant furniture, which has been pronounced to be unrivalled by
personages of the highest distinction and the most correct taste in
virtu. In its present unrivalled state of perfection, they invite an
immediate inspection of the article at their different manufactories in
town.
*****
FOREIGN INTELLIGENCE
It is well known, that the Coronation Oil of the Kings of France was
brought in a bottle from Heaven by an eagle, and from that fact called
_Holy_ Oil. During the Revolution, a Jacobin took the liberty of using
the Holy Oil to grease his boots with, and the eagle not having arrived
with a fresh supply, it is said that Louis XVIII. will remain uncrowned
until that event, or until the fellow's boots can be found and the oil
extracted and transferred to the head of His Most Christian Majesty.
{234}
[Illustration: 242]
Ferocity exemplified, by comparative
ANATOMY; or, an Illustration of the FACIAL LINE in Man and the Brute,
showing the natural gradation from the ferocious to the human being,
with the domestic habits of the Savage.
*****
DEDICATED TO HIS MAJESTY,
And the Society for the Suppression of Vice,
[LETTERS IN GREEK].
THE JOURNAL OF THE LATE MR. ELLIOTT, Surgeon. Sec. Translated from the
Latin MS. in Pall-mall. With Illustrations from Petronius Arbiter and
Peter Aretin, and Sketches by the Privy Painter. The Introduction by Sir
W------ F--------.
Printed for W. Wright, the 'Pedibus-aknexis' Publisher, 46, Fleetstreet.
* Suidas.
*****
In small royal,
THE TRUE HAIR TO THE CROWN; or, THE WHIGS
CUT FOR ANOINTING. By A LATE FOXITE.
THE TAXGATHERERS KNOCKING.
(In Imitation of 'The Woodpecker tapping.')
I knew by the wig that so gracefully curl'd
Above a high cape, that the ------ was there,
And I said, if there's _ton_ to be found in the world,
The Dandy of fashion will look for it here--
Half the shops were shut up, and I heard not a sound,
But Taxgath'rers knocking, while going their dull round!
And here, in Pall Mall, near the Park, I exclaim'd,
With a _Bomb_, oh, how big! and how gay to the eye,
Yachts, cots, and what-nots, all be-gilt, and be-famed,
What a strange mode of life!--and I groan'd out a sigh!--
While the shops are half shut, and we scarce hear a sound,
But Taxgath'rers knocking, while going their dull round!
On pretence of Necessity, frequent large dips
In my now emptied pockets have made me repine;
In vain does Retrenchment rise up to my lips,
The ------ must _live_, though starvation be mine--
Though my shop be deserted, and heard not a sound,
But Taxgath'rers knocking, while going their dull round!
{235}
PUBLISHED THIS DAY.
BLACKGUARD'S EDINBURGH MAGAZINE;
Or, THE HAGGIS BAG.
I. Guard' a low.--II. Lines suggested by the sight of a Gallows, with
some friends of ours.--III. The Golden Bull, or Second Sight, by Sir
Walter Scott.--IV. Charlie's Return, or the Welcome, by ditto.--V. The
Editor's Fudge-it.--VI. Auld Reekies Mawwalliip for the Londoners.--VII.
Chaldee Manuscript, Part II. by James Hogg, the Aye-trick
Shepherd.--VIII. Liar Bacon; ditto.--IX. The Broken Heart; a
Merriment.--X. A Gallop on the Grave of Keats.--XI. Mode of Applying
Torture to the Mind.--XII. Philosophy of Self, No. I; by the
Publisher.--XIII. A Grey Head brought in sorrow to the Grave; a
Capital Joke.--XIV. Cowardice made easy to the meanest capacity, by
Mr. Lackheart.--XV. On the probable injurious Influence of Moral
and Religious Instruction on our Character and Circulation; by the
Publisher.--XVI. Any Man's Privacy, every Man's Property.--XVII. The
Loathing Bull, or the Widow's Cow; a Sentiment.--XVIII. Elegy on
Henry IX., King of England.--XIX. Pleasures of Malignity, by Mr.
Lackheart.--XX. The Grave Digger, No. 101.--XXI. The Bum Boat, No.
17.--XXII. The Scottish Regalia; an old Wife's Tale.--XXIII. A few
words to that immense body of Mankind, who refuse to hand us the
siller.--XXIV. Works we are preparing for Suffocation.--XXV. Monthly
List of Jew Publications.--XXVI. Monthly Wretched-stir.
A PERTICULAR FAC.
We hae muckle fear for the weal o' the Cantry o'Breetan, frae the great
deal o' ill huiks, like unto the deil's buiks, and the like o'that. We
hae juist glowred o'er a wee bnikee, a verra bad buik indeed--a verra
bad buifc. An' we are verra sorey to say, there are money o' sic bad
buiks, fu' o-' daflin, trying to thraw contemp upo' the thron an'
the halter, ca'ing the Lord Provost a full, an' the Lord Advocate nae
better, and a' the great folk pawkie loons; an' we can compare't to
naething but the muckle black de'il fiddling thro' the toon. As sic
is the case, it's nae for the siller we're writing, but oot o' pure
lawyellty an' patriotism for the guid o' the Cantry. Gin the silly
peeple keun'd what wa'd be guid for them, they wa'd nae fash themsels
aboot learning to read ava, or read naething but our Maggy-zeen, an' we
hope to see the day whan there'll be naething but our Maggy-zeen read
thro' a' the Cantry; for we are fermly persuaded that the folk are
turning o'er learned, an' we are aye endeavoring to write them doon to
the state o' happy ignorance an' respectfu' submission that they war in,
whan the guid-wife wad say to her ain guid man, 'Git up, Donald, and be
hangit, an' dinna anger the laird!' It's naething but right and proper
that King Geordie an' his _Mean-astres_ s'ud juist hae their ain gait
o't in a' things 'as the Cat had wi' the haggis:--ate the pudden, an'
gaed to sleep i' the bag!' For an it be na sae, we're muckle afeerd that
his most gracious _Mad-jestie_ winna be aible to eat his parritch, an'
scrach himsel' in safety.
N. B. We hae great help _in preevat_ frae Sir Wattie, who
_conn'd-his-ends de'el-hight-fully_, an' his guid-son, Maister
Lackheart, is our perticular freend an' contra-booter; an' Maister
Blackguard drives that 'Jacobite Relic' Jamie Hogg, the aye-trick
Sheepherd, juist as he likes. And sae we'll hae mony delectfu' extracts
fra' the buiks prentit in Niddry's Wynd, an' a wallet o' ballets
pruiving the truith o' the sayen o' his _Mad-jestie_ King Jamie the
Saxt, that 'to scratch whare it etches is o'er muckle luck-surie for a
mere sabject.'
_Edinburgh: Printed for W. Blackwood, 17, Princes-street._
*****
In thin Quarto,
A VISION OF WANT OF JUDGMENT. By SLOBBER'D
MOUTHEY, Esq. Hell, Hell, D--; Poet Sorry-head, Mumbler of the Royal
Spanish Satiety, of the Satieties of every other place, of the Royal
Order of Turncoats, and of an eminent Welch Obscurity {236}
A NEW VISION,
By ROBERT SOUTHEY, Esq.! LL.D.!!
Poet Laureate!!! &c.!!!! &c.!!!!! &c.!!!!!!
'Twas at that sober hour when the light of day is receding,
I alone in Slop's Office was left; and, in trouble of spirit,
I mused on old times, till my comfort of heart had departed.
Pensile at least I shall be, methought--_sus. per coll._ surely!
And therewithal felt I my neckcloth; when lo! on a sudden,
There came on my eyes, hanging mid-way 'twixt heav'n and St. James's,
The book call'd the _Pension List_. There did I see my name written,
Yea ev'n in that great book of life! It was sweet to my eyelids,
As dew from a tax! and _Infinity_ seem'd to be open,
And I said to myself, 'Now a blessing be on thee, my Robert!
And a blessing on thee too my pen! and on thee too my sack-but!'
Now, as thus I was standing, mine ear heard a rap at the street-door,
Ev'n such as a man might make bold with, half gentle half footman;
And lo! up the stairs, dotting one, one, after the other,
Came the leg of a wonder, hop! hop! through the silence of evening;
And then a voice snarling from the throat of the him they call Murray,
Who said, as he hopp'd, 'Must the _Muck Times_ be mournful at _all_ times?
Lo, SLOP, I've a sop, for your mop; yes--hop! hop! I've a _story_,
With which I'll light _you_ up, if you'll light me, Slop, up another.'
'Don't be so _bold!_ methought a _larking_ voice from the skylight
Answer'd, and therewithal I felt fear as of frightening;
Knowing not why, or how, my soul seem'd night-cap to my body.
Then came again the voice, but then with a louder squalling--
'Go to hell,' said the voice. 'What!,' said I, inwardly, 'I go!'
When lo, and behold, a great wonder!--I, I, Robert Southey,
Even I, Robert Southey, Esquire, LL.D. Poet Laureate,
Member of the Royal Spanish Academy, of the
Ditto of history too, of the Institute Royal
Of Dutchland, and eke of the Welch Cymmodorion wonder,
Author of Joan of Arc, of much Jacobin Verse, and Wat Tyler,
Et cætera, et caetera, et caetera, et cætera, et cætera,
(For it's unknown all the things that I am, and have written),
I, as I said before, ev'n I, by myself, I,
Unlike, in that single respect, to my great master Dante,
(For Virgil went with him to help him), but like in all others,
Rush'd up into Paradise boldly, which angels themselves don't,
Yea ev'n into Paradise rush'd I, through showers of _flimsies_,
All as good as the Bank, and for hailstones I found there were _Sovereigns_,
Spick and span new; and anon was a body all glorified,
Even all the great Host both of Church and State, Crosses, Grand Crosses,
Commanders, Companions, and Knights of all possible orders,
Commons and Peers, the souls of the sold, whom Pensions made perfect,
DOCTOR
[Illustration: 245]
[Illustration: 246]
Flocking {239}on either hand, a multitudinous army,
Coronet, Crosier, and Mitre, in grand semicircle inclining,
Tier over tier they took their place, aloft in the distance,
Far as the sight could pierce, Stars, Garters, and Gold Sticks.
From among the throng bless'd, all full dress'd, in a Field Marshal's
uniform, Rose one, with a bow serene, who, aloft, took his station;
Before him the others crouch'd down, all inclining in concert,
Bent like a bull-rush sea, with a wide and a manifold motion:
There he stood in the midst alone; and in front was the presence,
With periwig curling and gay, and a swallow-cut coat-tail.
Hear ye of long ears! Lo! in that place was _Canning_,
He who strengthens the Church and State, with his Manton's
hair-triggers, And sneers on his lips, and eyes leering, and _rupturous_
speeches;
With him Fletcher Franklin I saw, and Sir Robert, my namesake,
Worthy the name! even Baker, Sir Robert, of Bow-street;
And Gifford, with face made of lachrymose, savage and feeble,
Who delighteth with Croker to cut up men, women, and young men,
And therefore did Hazlitt cut him up, and so he stood mangled.
There, too, brocaded and satin'd, stood smiling and bowing,
With Court-mask'd appearance, the Fearful One, him of Triangle!
And there, too, the Foolish one, far-conscienced, the Doctor!
And I saw in the vision, the Generals, Sol. and Attorney;
And Sacchi, was there too and him surnamed _Non mi Ricordo_;
And Mad'moiselle Dæmon, and Barbara Kress, and Rastelli;
And Mister, and Mister-ess Jessop, and eke the Miss Jessups;
And Mar-Ai' H--, and M-ss C-m, also;
And Mrs. Fitz--t, and C--ch; and in sooth all the Beauties
Of the 'Georgian age,' except Robinson Mary,
Whom great G. first sent to the D--, and little G. after,
Namely Gifford, who smote at her sorely, yea, ev'n at her crutches,
So that she fell in her grave, and said, 'Cover me kind earth!'
And the great minded Cl---- was there, looking like to Behemoth;
And the Lauderdale disinterested, great Scotch standard-bearer,
And there, too, the king's much-conspired-against-stationer, King,
stood, The Lord Mayor of Dublin, who sendeth his Majesty's whiskey;
And the Members of Orange Clubs all, anti-Irish shullelahs;
And a heav'nly assembly of parsons, some, lately, expectant--
Parson Hey? Parson B. called, otherwise, Parson Black-cow, divine brute!
Parson C. alias Croly, or Crawley, or Coronaroly,
Who putteth forth innocent pamphlet? on pure coronations,
Expecteth Milleniums, and laudeth the Blackguard of Blackwood's,
And looketh both lofty and slavish, a dreaminess high-nosed,
As if he had, under the chin been, by worshipful men, chuck'd;
And great Parson Eat--n V--slone, who'd swallow any thing surely;
And the _Manchester Yeomanry Cavalry_, riding down women;
And Alderman Atkins, with Curtis, that big belly-gerent;
And Flower, and Bridges, C. Smith, and the rest of the Bridge Gang;
All cloth'd for the heav'nly occasion in their best Indictments!
And there all the Lottery-contractors, and such like, were also;
And there {240}Mr. Strong-i-th'-arm, his Majesty's Seal-Engraver, was
also; And they all who forged, lo! the French Assignats, were there
also;
And the Court-newsman also was there--
(The Spirit now bids me write prose, but that, you know's all the same
thine;) And Colburn with his Muck Monthly Magazine was there;
And Ward, the Animal Painter, with a piece of spoil'd canvas, 35 feet
wide by 21, was there;
But Bird who, most disloyally, died of a broken heart, was not there;
And the Duke of Wellington, with the Sword of State, was there;
And Sir John Silvester, the Recorder of London, and his assistant, were
there; And Messrs. Uundell and Bridge, the Jewellers who repair'd the
Crown, were there;
And the Pigtails out off from his Majesty's guards were there;
And the Guards themselves in their neat uniforms, and new white
gaiters, were there;
And the State Coach and Coachmen and Horses were there;
And the other Ministers of State in their new State Liveries were there;
And the Clerks of the Council and the two Silver Inkstands were there;
And all the Gentlemen of the Stock Exchange were there;
And all the Gentlemen of the Shipping Interest were there;
And all the Gentlemen of the Landed Interest were there;
But all the people without Interest were not there;
And all the Peers who voted the Queen of England guilty were-there;
And all the Ministerial Members of the House of Commons were there; And
Dr. Slop with 'fresh fig-leaves for Adam and Ere' was there;
And the Royal Proclamation against Vice and Immorality was pasted up
there. And behold, while I read it, thinking to put it, excellent as it
was, Into language still better,
Methought, in my vision, I dreamt--dream within dream intercircled--And
seem'd to be hurried away, by a vehement whirlwind,
To Flames and Sulphurous Darkness, where certain of my Minor Poems were
scorching,
Yet unconsum'd, in penal fire; and so was I purified
For deeds done in the flesh, being, through them, burnt by proxy!
There, too, roasted the Bishop of Osnaburgh's Doxy,
But the Righteous-one, _the Prince Bishop himself_, was in Heaven;
And two Boots were there, as a burnt-offering for peccadillo,
But the Owner thereof was a glorified spirit above,
Where, as in duty bound, I had sung to him 'Twang-a-dillo,
He that loves a pretty girl, is a hearty good fellow!'
And in Torment (but here the blest rage of the bard returns on me)
And in torment was She, who, on earth, had been also tormented By Him
who is never, nor can be accused, of aught vicious;
With her were the friends of my childhood--not leaving out Coleridge;
And they who were kill'd by the Manchester Yeomanry also;
And Truth, the whole Truth, nothing but the Truth, suffered the burning.
Then I turn'd my meek eyes, in their gladness, to Heaven, and my place
there, And ascending, I flew back to Paradise, singing of Justice;
Where, fill'd with divine expectation of merited favour,
{241}
The gathering host look'd to him, in whom all their hopes center'd,
As the everlasting hand; and I, too, press'd forward to obtain--
But old recollections withheld me;--down, down, dropp'd my sack-but, And
my feet, methought, slid, and I fell precipitate. Starting,
Then I awoke, with my hair up, and lo! my young days were before me,
Dark yet distinct; but instead of the voice of the honest,
I hoard only Murray's yap', yap! and hap! hop! through the silence of
evening: Yap! hop! and hop! yap!--and hence came the hop, step, and
jump, of my verses.
[Illustration: 249]
BOROUGH-BRIDGE REFORM.
The the Ancient and Honourable Corporation of Boroughmongers, in
Parlaverment assembled, THE PETITION of the Ancient and Honourable
Corporation of London Bridge in Arches assembled,
Hombly sheweth,
That, for some time past, an opinion has prevailed, that your
Petitioners' _Arches_ are narrow and decayed, and that their continuance
in their present state is attended with an unnecessary annual expense,
and loss of lives.
That, in consequence of this opinion, a large body of persons assembled
for Bridge Reform, have insisted upon the necessity of widening your
Petitioners' _Arches_, and have actually erected, in your Petitioners'
neighbourhood, a new bridge, with arches calculated to give free course
to the whole tide, and a safe and uninterrupted public communication--to
the great scandal of your Petitioners.
That your Petitioners' Arches, and the Borough Arches of your Honourable
Structure, are the production of one and the same mind.
That your Honourable Structure being a model of perfection, your
Petitioners have, therefore, a right to presume that their Bridge is
also a model of perfection.
That your Petitioners, respectfully referring to the enlightened
declaration of the Emperor of Austria, that what is ancient is good,
humbly beg leave to represent, that it is essential to the permanence of
your Honourable Structure in its present state, to stop the progress of
all enlargement.
And your Petitioners humbly pray, that the Right Hon. George Canning may
be assigned advocate in their behalf, to convince the Public that your
Petitioners' Arches are exactly as numerous, as narrow, and as decayed
as they ought-to-be; which office your Petitioners have no doubt the said
Right Hon. Gent. will gladly undertake, upon being allowed to receive an
ample toll.
AND YOUR PETITIONERS, as in uniformity found, will ever pray for Your
Honourable Structure.
{242}
ADVERTISEMENTS
TO ACCOUNTANTS and Others. Any Persons who will undertake to unravel the
Financial ACCOUNTS of Messrs. VAN and Co. to the understanding of the
Parties interested in their Affairs, may have CONSTANT EMPLOY. Apply
to Mr. Bull, who is concerned for the Creditors, at the Pawnbrokers, in
Capel-court.
*****
REVOLUTIONARY WIG.
The late Mr. Sergeant Copley's wig-maker begs leave to inform gentlemen
of the profession, that he has completely succeeded in overcoming
the difficulty so long complained of by gentlemen at the bar, who are
desirous of _turning_ without discomposure; for proof whereof he refers
by permission to the Solicitor General and the Chief Justice of Chester,
who, for a long time, could not turn at all, but now revolve perfectly
at ease.
*****
*****
[Illustration: 250]
WARREN'S BLACK-RAT BLACKING.
CHARLES WARREN, of CHESTER-PLACE, with the utmost diffidence, publicly
announces his successful discovery. By the first application of his
varnish to BOOTS, he saw his own face in them, with a Judge's wig on his
head; and he assures his old friends, who he knows will take his word
for it, that the reflection was so strong, it almost knocked him back.
He earnestly desires their approbation, and solicits their favour in his
new shop. He humbly begs they will support him as much as they can. His
going round among strangers is insupportable to him, unless he can get a
few of his former friends to accompany him.
*****
GOLDEN OINTMENT FOR THE EYES. This invaluable
Ointment enables the patient to see in the dark.
(CASE.)
DEAR SIR; "Keswick, Cumberland, 19th July, 1821.
"Your invaluable ointment being strongly recommended to me some years
ago, I was induced to try a box. Its effects were astonishing!--I
immediately looked two ways at once, and saw my way clear to the
Laureateship. I have seen in the dark ever since! Without its powerful
operation I could never have obtained the degree of LL.D. Please to send
some in the usual way by _Van_, as I find it utterly impossible to live
without it, and recommend it to all my relations.
"I am, dear Sir, your's,
"R. SOUTHEY, Esq. LL. D.
"Poet Laureate; Member of the Royal Spanish Academy; of the Royal
Spanish Academy of History; of The Royal Institute of the Netherlands;
of the Cymmodorion, &c. Author of Wat Tyler, Joan of Arc, Minor Poems."
==> Prepared in _Crown_ boxes, by Mr. GEORGE KING, No. 4, at the
Toy-shop, Constitution-hill, near the bottom.
*****
LOST, THE BALANCE OF EUROPE, as privately adjusted, according to a pair
of pocket scales, by the Marquess of, Londonderry; it was last seen on
a piece of paper at Laybach. Please to bring it to the Foreign Office.
{243}
[Illustration: 251]
THE MAGNIFICENT PYRAMID, erected by the wisdom, labour, property, and
lives of our forefathers, has been completely REVERSED. Architects, well
enough acquainted with the structure to undertake its RESTORATION, will
be allowed any time they desire for a work of such vast magnitude, but
it must be undertaken immediately, as it is shored up in its present
INVERTED STATE at an immense annual expense, with frail materials.
Testimonials of the greatest respectability for capacity and character,
and security for completion of the task, without further injury to the
ornament at the apex, will be required. Apply to the Board of Control.
*****
CONVULSIONS, &c.
A REAL BLESSING--THE AMERICAN SOOTHING
SYRUP, an infallible Remedy for CONVULSIONS, affording immediate ease
in disorders of the Constitution, and healing multitudes in the most
desponding condition....
Such are the virtues of this healing Balm for assuaging misery and
anguish in the suffering, that innumerable impositions have been
practised. It is, therefore, requisite to notice, that the genuine
article has the word Liberty on the seal.--Prepared, as usual, by the
assigns of Messrs. Franklin, Washington, and Co. from the original
recipe, and may be had genuine in _America-square_.
If ever there was a blessing sent from Heaven for the relief of the
suffering, the American Soothing Syrup claims the pre-eminence. The poor
relieved gratis.
N. B. It has been discovered that the American Soothing Syrup is an
infallible TEST FOR SOVEREIGNS. It in no way blemishes a good one, but
discovers the baseness of a bad one immediately. {244}
*****
SCHOOLS FOR ALL.
USEFUL INSTRUCTION having hitherto been chiefly confined to the
Productive Classes, and many in the Upper Ranks still remaining in a
deplorable state of ignorance, it is intended to establish SCHOOLS FOR
THE HIGHER ORDERS, in order that, by being equally well-informed with
the rest of the community, the plea of ignorance may no longer be
allowed as an excuse for want of knowledge in the duties of life.
Further information may be had of the printer.
[Illustration: 252]
UNIVERSAL SAFETY LAMP.
"One unclouded blaze of living light."
THE COMBINATION AGAINST THIS LAMP renders it necessary to state some
of its advantages. The best of the Common Parish Lamps, so universally
complained of for their dulness, do little more than render darkness
visible, and assist the perpetration of crime. If their forms are
occasionally varied by lacquer and varnish, and rendered pleasing to
the eye, their light is not improved in the smallest degree; and they
require a multitude of hands to feed and trim them, at a most enormous
expense; while THE "UNIVERSAL SAFETY" LAMP diffuses a brilliant and
steady lustre, and a genial warmth equal to the solar beam. It eclipses
every other brightness. The only inconvenience complained of by the
nervous and fastidious is, that its flame sometimes rises during a
storm, and emits a small portion of smoke, but this vapour ceases almost
immediately after the agitation has subsided. _It is constructed on an
unerring principle of Self-regulation; it cannot be extinguished by any
power on earth, and will Last for Ever_. {245}
[Illustration: 253]
THE NEW INDIAN JUGGLER.
THIS CELEBRATED PERFORMER, whose early operations in Asia, and
subsequent slight-of-hand in Europe, have rendered him notorious, will
perform the first opportunity. If he has the consent of his landlady's
friends, he will put the sword down her throat, and keep it there as
long as he pleases--the like not exhibited in England. He will then
set the balls a-flying like winged messengers. These tricks, with
permission, he is ready to exhibit. Further particulars in future
Advertisements.
*****
GENERAL ORDERS.
14th July, 1821.
IT is Ordered, that there be delivered to every private Soldier, now in
his Majesty's Service, or who may be hereafter enlisted therein, a copy
of the New Testament, with the 5th, 6th, and 7th chapters of Matthew cut
out, and the Articles of War stitched in their place: and any Soldier
who shall pawn or sell the said New Testament without first taking out
the said Articles of War, and keeping them for his own use, shall suffer
death.
*****
SERVICE CLUB.
Resolved, 14th July, 1821.
THAT an English Artisan is a scamp and a ragamuffin, until a profit has
been had out of a red coat, which, when put on his back at the public
expense, suddenly transforms him into the bravest and finest fellow in
the world. E. PAULET.
*****
CORN PLAISTER.
*****
THIS SOOTHING ARTICLE being entirely exhausted, the Select Committee
of the House of Commons, on Agricultural Distress, will be glad of the
smallest quantity, that they may dispense it to the various sufferers
throughout the country.
*****
WASTE PA PER and PARCHMENT, consisting of the Petitions for a REFORM
in the Representation, to be sold in quantities--not less than a ton
weight.
==> May be viewed, and particulars had, at the Parliament Coffee-House.
{246}
[Illustration: 254]
THE TENTHS, or KING'S OWN. Persons willing to contract for the purpose
of furnishing this active Legion with FORAGE, and supplying the Mess,
may apply to the Barrack-Master-General, Lambeth.
*****
THE REV. S. PIGGOTT, A.M. Curate and Lecturer of St. James's,
Clerkenwell, and St. Antholin's, Watling-street, WANTS A PLACE. He has
written Prayers for Families, a Guide to the Altar, and an Example
of Conversion by the Common Prayer Book; named the Queen the _German_
Helen; represented her with a lighted torch, reaching at the Bible and
the Crown to destroy them; called her "Old Mother Red Cap;" hung her
head up as a sign to a public-house, with a gross allusion to Bergami;
said her infamy was fixed; and made her Majesty exclaim, that--
"Thrice she'd expire in Matthew's arms,
Would but the hangman Matthew spare!"
Further particulars can be given by his Treasurer, Charles Bicknell,
Esq. Solicitor to the Admiralty, 3, Spring-garden Terrace, on whom all
demands on account of the Rev. S. Piggott's Loyal Association should
be made; but all monies due or owing thereto, are requested to be paid
immediately to the Rev. S. Piggott only.
==> More information respecting his clerical labours hereafter.
*****
WANTED TO GO ABROAD, a stout, active, stonehearted young man, of a
serious turn, as an apprentice in the military business, and to assist
as a missionary.
==> Apply at the Bishop and Bayonet, Westminster.
*****
A CAUTION.
A SLOW BUT SURE POISON, which gradually insinuates itself into the
system, and will utterly destroy a human being, is now making frightful
ravages. Its common name is CANT. Some _blacks_ deliver it in the lump,
and a certain _lawyer_ has been seen to part with it in the form of
globules. It is most subtle when laminated, and unfortunately is to be
found in that state spread over a large portion of the community. NOTICE
IS HEREBY GIVEN, that the effluvia from the infected is contagious.
N. B. The most certain symptom of the presence of the poison is,
prostration of mind.
"Please to remember the _Grotto!_"
{247}
[Illustration: 255]
PRIESTIANITY.
As a grateful return to the Productive Classes of England, For bread,
meat, beer, cellars of wines, rich furniture, luxurious equipages,
princely palaces, clothing of purple and fine linen, and faring
sumptuously every day, during the whole of their ecclesiastical lives,
out of the people's labour, the following ten prelates have become
members of the anti-social association in Bridge-street:--
The Bishop of Gloucester
-- Llandaff
-- Peterborough
The Bishop of Bangor
-- Carlisle
-- Chester
-- Durham
--Ely
St. David's York
*****
Dr. Maltus has received a Prize for his Essay on the Moral Restraint of
War, the Blessings of Famine, the Advantages of Pestilence, the Comforts
of Disease, and the Piety of Decease.
Bp. Tommy O'Linn has a Faculty for copying the newspapers into an
original Life of Mr. Pitt.
Bp. Van Mill-dirt is collated to a Dinnery for telling which side his
bread is buttered on in the dark.
*****
Published for the Benefit of the Clergy,
THE ART OF CONDUCTING WAR ON CHRISTIAN PRINCIPLES.
Shortly will be published, for the Use of Schools,
*****
PRIESTIANITY and CHRISTIANITY COMPARED; or,
A Parallel between the Principles of Christianity and the Practice of
Priestianity.
*****
EMPERIAL PALAVERMENT
HOUSE OF TOPS.--Whenstheday.
Ordered, That after the adjournment of the House to-day, strangers
be accommodated with seats until the sitting of the House
to-morrow.--Adjourned.
*****
HOUSE OF BOTTOMS.
Moved and Seconded, That the following words he stereotyped by the
printer to the House, and sent to all the newspapers for the convenience
of reporting the Manager's speeches, viz.
"He should not follow the hon. member into any of the various points
of his extended speech, but content himself with moving an adjournment,
resting fully satisfied upon the wisdom of the House for a proper
decision of the question when it came regularly before them."--Agreed to
without a division.--Adjourned.--
*****
Substance of the Bills for Restraining the Press.--Kneor Gagret, the
pseudo ump alor al'Ainbassadereux, roseat ul purpe et Suheance du
Balles au Pres,--Volumptuanuni et geordibus non et est ecclaribus
tandem etpriorus au clericus pooribus, that is to say, Castigatus videm
Literorumme-a'-Presserorumme-a'-Exposerumet vi al quid o'tobacce au
sycophantussum hark! Contriorium, etc. etc.!!!
*****
Receipt to make an Attorney-General.--Take a _little_ man with an eye to
his preferment. It is not necessary that he should be much of a lawyer,
provided that he be a _Rat_. He must have docility sufficient to do any
thing; and _if the period should arrive, when power can make rules and
laws for the evident purpose of gratifying malignity_, he should be one
who should be ready to advise or consent to _the creation of new cases,
and be able to defend new remedies for them_, though they militate
against every principle of reason, equity, and justice.--Rolliad, p.
433.
*****
[Advertisement.]--Real Brunswick Man sent (carriage free) from the Horse
Guards to all parts of the Kingdom, at an hour's notice.
[Advertisement.]--We are authorized to contradict a report that Mr.
Vansittart, in his Speech at the last Bible Society Meeting, endeavoured
to induce the members to refrain from the purchase of shares and tickets
in the ensuing Lottery.
[Advertisement.]--Connoisseurs in the Arts of Design will be gratified
to hear, that an assemblage of the Old Masters in different states, will
shortly be submitted to the hammer.
*****
PROMOTION.--The Press to be the Board of Confront.
BIRTH.
At the Den, in Bridge-street, John Reeves, esq. M.B.S.G. of a Ten Pound
Note. It is not supposed he can recover.
MARRIAGE.
His Imperial Majesty Prince Despotism, in a consumption, to Her Supreme
Antiquity, The Ignorance of Eighteen Centuries, in a decline. The bridal
dresses were most superb.
DEATH.
His most Sacred Majesty Right Divine. His Legitimacy being declared
illegitimate, he has no successor. He was the founder of the Oily
Alliance and a sincere Priestian.
Printed by and for W. Hone, 43, Ludgate Hill, London. {249}
[Illustration: 257]
A POLITICAL CHRISTMAS CAROL,
TO BE CHAUNTED OR SUNG
THROUGHOUT THE UNITED KINGDOM AND THE DOMINIONS BEYOND THE SEAS,
BY ALL PERSONS THEREUNTO ESPECIALLY MOVED. {250}
[Illustration: 258]
THE CAROL.
To be Sung exactly as set.
He 'turn'd his back upon himself
And straight to 'Lunnun' came,
To two two-sided Lawyers
With tidings of the same,
That our own land must 'prostrate stand'
Unless we praise his name--
For his practical' comfort and joy!
"Go fear not," said his L-p
"Let nothing you affright;
"Go draw your quills, and draw six Bills,
"Put out yon blaze of light:
"I'm able to advance you,
"Go stamp it out then quite--
"And give me some 'features' of joy!"
{251}
The Lawyers at those tidings
Rejoiced much in mind,
And left their friends a-staring
To go and raise the wind,
And straight went to the Taxing-men
And said "the Bills come find--
"For 'fundamental' comfort and joy!
The Lawyers found majorities
To do as they did say,
They found them at their mangers
Like oxen at their hay,
Some lying, and some kneeling down,
All to L--d C--h
For his practical' comfort and joy!
With sudden joy and gladness
Rat G--ff--d was beguiled,
They each sat at his L-p's side,
He patted them and smiled;
Yet C--pi--y, on his nether end,
Sat like a new born Child,--
But without either comfort or joy!
He thought upon his Father,
His virtues and his fame,
And how that father hoped from him
For glory to his name,
And as his chin dropp'd on his breast,
His pale cheeks burn'd with shame:--
He'll never more know comfort or joy!
{252}
Lord C----h cloth rule yon House,
And all who there do reign;
They've let us live this Christmas time---
D'ye think they will again?
They say they are our masters--
That's neither here, nor there:
God send us all a happy new year!
[Illustration: 260]
{253}
[Illustration: 261]
THE DOCTOR
A PARODY WRITTEN BY THE RIGHT HONORABLE GEORGE CANNING, M. P.
Lord FOLKESTONE confessed that there Had been a smile on his countenance
at one part of the right honorable gentleman (Mr. CANNING)'s speech, and
it seemed to him very extraordinary, even after the reconciliation that
had taken place, to hear the right honorable gentleman stand up for the
talents of that poor "Doctor" (Lord SIDMOUTH), who has so long been
the butt of his most bitter and unsparing ridicule (_loud laughter and
shouts of hear, hear_). Whether in poetry or prose, the great object of
his derision, and that for want of ability and sense, was the noble lord
whom he (Mr. CANNING) had so strenuously defended that night; and now
forsooth, he wondered that any person could object to confide unlimited
power in the hands of a person, according to his own former opinions,
so likely to be duped and misled (hear, hear). Yes, the house would
remember the lines in which, at different times, the right honorable
gentleman (Mr CANNING), had been pleased to panegyrize his (Mr.
CANNING's) noble friend (Lord SIDMOUTH) of which the following were not
the worst:--
"I showed myself prime Doctor to the country;
My ends attain'd, my only aim has been
To keep my place, and gild my humble name."--
(A laud laugh)
Yes, this was the view the right honorable gentleman had once drawn of
his noble friend, who was then described by him thus:--
"My name's the Doctor; on the Berkshire hills," &c.
[See the Parody below for the remainder of Lord Folkestone's
Quotation--For his Lordship's Speech, see Evans's Debates, 1817, p.
1568.]
My name's THE DOCTOR; on the Berkshire hills
My father purged his patients--a wise man,
Whose constant care was to increase his store,
And keep his eldest son--myself--at home.
But I had heard of Politics, and long'd
To sit within the Commons' House, and get
A place, and luck gave what my sire denied.
{254}
Some thirteen years ago, or ere my fingers
Had learn'd to mix a potion, or to bleed,
_I flatterd Pitt: I cring'd, and sneak'd, and faun'd,_
And thus became the Speaker. I alone,
With pompous gait, and peruke full of wisdom,
Th' unruly members could control, or call The House to order.
Tir'd of the Chair, I sought a bolder flight,
And, grasping at his power, I struck my friend,
Who held that place which now I've made my own.
Proud of my triumph, I disdain'd to court
The patron hand which fed me--or to seem
Grateful to him who rais'd me into notice.
And, when the King had call'd his Parliament
With all my fam'ly crowding at my heels,
My brothers, cousins, followers and my son,
I show'd myself Prime Doctor to the country.
_My ends attain'd my only aim has been
To keep my place--and gild my humble name!_
[Illustration: 262]
{255}
TO THE READER
THE AUTHOR OF THE POLITICAL HOUSE THAT JACK BUILT, perceiving the
multitude of attempts at Imitation and Imposture, occasioned by the
unparalleled sale of that Jeu d'Esprit, injustice to the public and to
himself, respect-fully states, that, induced by nearly forty years
of the most confidential intimacy with Mr. HONE, and by the warmest
friendship and affection for him and his family, he originally selected
him for his publisher exclusively; that he has not suffered, nor will
he suffer, a line of his writing to pass into the hands of any other
Bookseller; and that his last, end owing to imperative claims upon his
pen of a higher order, possibly his very last production in that way,
will be found in The MAN IN THE MOON.
*****
SALE EXTRAORDINARY
FREEHOLD PUBLIC HOUSES;
Divided into Lots for the convenience of Purchasers.
TO BE SOLD by Mr. HONE, at his House, No. 45, Ludgate Hill, THIS DAY,
and following days until entirely disposed of,
AN EXTENSIVE UNENCUMBERED FREEHOLD PROPERTY, in separate Lots. Each
comprising a Capital well-accustomed hustling Free Public House, most
desirably situated, being thoroughly established in very heart of
England, and called by the Name or Sign of "The House that Jack Built."
Served Forty Thousand Customers in the course of Six Weeks. Draws the
Choicest Spirits, and is not in the mixing or whine way.
The Feathers and Wellington Arms combining to injure this property
by setting up Houses of Ill Fame, under the same sign, the Public are
cautioned against them; they are easily known from the original House
by their Customers being few in number, and of a description better
understood than expressed.
The present is an undeniable opportunity to persons wishing to improve
their affairs, or desirous of entering into the public line; there being
no Fixtures and the Coming-in easy.
Immediate possession will be given in consideration of One Shilling of
good and lawful money of the Realm, paid to any of the Booksellers of
the United Kingdom.
May be viewed; and Particulars had as above.
{256}
UNIVERSITY LITERATURE--With Thirteen Cats, price is.
THE FIFTY-SECOND EDITION OF THE POLITICAL HOUSE THAT JACK BUILT.
This Publication was entered at Stationers' Hall, and Copies were duly
delivered, according to Act of Parliament, one being for the British
Museum; yet it is held in such estimation by all ranks, from the mansion
to the cottage, including men of high classical and literary attainment,
that it is coveted by eminent and learned bodies for the purpose of
being preserved and deposited in the other National Libraries, as
appears by the following notice:--
(COPY.) London, Jan. 26, 1820.
Sir--I am authorised and requested to demand of you nine copies of the
undermentioned Work--The Political House that Jack Built--for the use
of the following Libraries and Universities:-- Bodleian; Cambridge; Sion
College; Edinburgh; Advocates' Library, Edinburgh; Glasgow; Aberdeen;
St. Andrew's; Trinity College, and the King's Inns, Dublin.
I am, Sir, your obedient servant,
GEORGE GREENHILL, Warehouse-keeper to the Company of Stationers.
To Mr. WM. HONE, Ludgate-hill.
This "authorized" and official "demand" on behalf of the Universities
and Public Libraries, was immediately complied with; and to save those
distinguished bodies the trouble of a similar application for "THE MAN
IN THE MOON," copies of that work were also sent with the copies of the
Political House that Jack Built, so demanded "for their use."
A SUPERIOR EDITION OF THE POLITICAL HOUSE THAT JACK BUILT, _is
now published, printed on fine Vellum Drawing Paper, with the Cuts
handsomely_ COLOURED, Price 3s.--The same Edition plain, Price 2s.
*****
Withdrawn from the Press,
A LETTER TO THE SOLICITOR GENERAL. By WILLIAM HONE.
Since the announcement of this Publication, the attack of the
Solicitor-General upon the Juries of my Country has drawn down upon that
Gentleman, within the walls of Parliament, such deserved animadversion
as to render superfluous any interference on my part.
Two years have elapsed since I broke away from the toils; and it seems
the escape of the destined victim is never to be forgiven! The cause of
which the Solicitor-General is unexpectedly the gratuitous advocate, has
taken appropriate refuge in the snug precincts of Gatton. There let it
wither!
The verdicts of my Juries require no other vindication than a faithful
recital of the grounds on which they were founded. From the period
at which those verdicts were pronounced, and with a view to that
vindication, I have been unremittingly employed in the collection and
arrangement of rare and curious materials which the Solicitor-General's
attack will induce me to extend to
A COMPLETE HISTORY OF PARODY.
This History I purpose to bring out, very speedily, _with extensive
graphic illustrations,_ and I flatter myself it will answer the various
purposes of satisfying the expectations of my numerous and respectable
subscribers--of justifying my own motives in publishing the Parodies--of
throwing a strong light upon the presumable motives of my prosecutors in
singling me out from my Noble and Right Honorable Fellow Parodists--of
holding up Trial by Jury to the increased love and veneration of the
British People--and above all, of making every calumny upon the verdicts
of three successive, honorable, and intelligent Juries recoil upon
the slanderer, be he who he may, that dares to asperse them. W. HONE.
Ludgate-Hill, March, 1820.
Printed by W. Hone, 45, Ludgate-Hill.
[Illustration: 266]
Till now I never understood the reason of the policy and prurience of
the Spaniards in suffering the Inquisition among them; and certainly it
will never be well with ax till something like the Spanish Inquisition
be in England.'--Recorder of London at the Old Bailey
THE "DAMNABLE ASSOCIATION;" on, THE INTERNAL INQUISITION OF BLACK FRIARS
An Interior View of the DEN in Bridge Street, with the GANG at Work.
End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Pamphlets and Parodies on Political
Subjects, by William Hone
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