Project Gutenberg's Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 8, May 21, 1870, by Various
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Title: Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 8, May 21, 1870
Author: Various
Posting Date: October 29, 2011 [EBook #9962]
Release Date: February, 2006
First Posted: November 5, 2003
Language: English
*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCHINELLO, MAY 21, 1870 ***
Produced by Cornell University, Joshua Hutchinson, Steve
Schulze and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team.
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| J. Nickinson |
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| begs to announce to the friends of |
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| "PUNCHINELLO" |
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| residing in the country, that, for their convenience, he has |
| made arrangements by which, on receipt of the price of |
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| ANY STANDARD BOOK PUBLISHED, |
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| the same will be forwarded, postage paid. |
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| Parties desiring Catalouges of any of our Publishing Houses |
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| OFFICE OF |
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| PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY, |
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| 83 Nassau Street. |
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| [P. O. Box 2783.] |
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| TO NEWS DEALERS. |
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| PUNCHINELLO'S MONTHLY, |
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| THE FIVE NUMBERS FOR APRIL, |
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| Bound in a Handsome Cover, |
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[Illustration: Vol. I. No. 8.
PUNCHINELLO
SATURDAY, MAY 21, 1870.
PUBLISHED BY THE
PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY,
83 NASSAU STREET, NEW-YORK.]
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| _CONANT'S PATENT BINDERS for "Punchinello," to preserve the |
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| PUNCHINELLO. |
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| MAY 21, 1870. |
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| APPLICATIONS FOR ADVERTISING IN |
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| SHOULD BE ADDRESSED TO |
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| J. NICKINSON, |
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| 83 NASSAU STREET. |
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| Notice to Ladies. |
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| DIBBLE, |
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| BY |
| Capt. W. F. LYONS. |
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| It will be printed on fine toned paper, from new type, |
| with an excellent Portrait. |
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| With a large and varied experience in the management and |
| publication of a paper of the class herewith submitted, and |
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| PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO. |
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| OF THE CITY OF NEW-YORK, |
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| Presents to the public for approval, the |
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| NEW ILLUSTRATED HUMOROUS AND SATIRICAL WEEKLY PAPER, |
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| PUNCHINELLO. |
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| The first number of which will be issued under date of April |
| 2, 1870, and thereafter weekly. |
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| PUNCHINELLO will be _National,_ and not _local,_--and will |
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| country; and to that end has secured a |
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| in various sections of the Union, while its columns will |
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| witty, without vulgarity, and satirical without malice. It |
| will be printed on a superior tinted paper of sixteen pages, |
| size 13 by 9, and will be for sale by all respectable |
| newsdealers who have the judgment to know a good thing when |
| they see it, or by subscription from this office. |
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| The Artistic department will be in charge of Henry L. |
| Stephens, whose celebrated cartoons in VANITY FAIR placed |
| Jim in the front rank of humorous artists, assisted by |
| leading artists in their respective specialities. |
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| The management of the paper will be in the hands of WILLIAM |
| A. STEPHENS, with whom is associated CHARLES DAWSON SHANLY, |
| both of whom were identified with VANITY FAIR. |
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| ORIGINAL ARTICLES, |
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| Suitable for the paper, and Original Designs, or suggestive |
| ideas or sketches for illustrations, upon the topics of the |
| day, are always acceptable, and will be paid for liberally. |
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[Illustration: COURTESIES IN OUR SUNDAY-SCHOOLS.
Teacher. "BY THE BY, DEAR, CAN YOU LEND ME A COUPLE OF SMALL PUPILS FOR
ANNIVERSARY, MY CLASS IS SO LITTLE? YOU SHALL HAVE THEM BACK AGAIN NEXT
SUNDAY."]
* * * * *
THE GREAT CANAL ENTERPRISE.
[FROM OUR SPECIAL BOSTON CORRESPONDENT.]
BOSTON, May 8th, 1870.
We Bostonians are greatly surprised that your valuable journal has as
yet taken no notice of the great undertaking of the century--the Cape
Cod Canal. However, you New-Yorkers are quite out of the world, and
unless you read the Boston _Transcript_ regularly, can not be expected
to know much about the enterprises with which the earnest men of the
nation are occupied. The great Cape Cod Canal is, however, not meant
simply for the benefit of the Bostonian nation, but for the commerce of
the civilized world. It is destined to work a more important revolution
in the trade of Plymouth, Barnstable, and Nantucket, than the Suez or
Darien Canals.
Of course you are familiar with the peculiar conformation of Cape Cod.
It juts out into the Atlantic like an immense elbow, and, indeed, is
understood to be modelled after the brawny arm of the gallant CHARLES
SUMNER. Vessels passing between ports on the western and those on the
southern coast of Massachusetts, are now obliged to make a wide _detour_
in order to circumnavigate the Cape. It is now proposed to cut a canal
across the Cape just where it juts out from the mainland, and thus avoid
the tedious circumnavigation. The enormous importance of this work will
be at once perceived. The Canal will be nearly four miles in length, and
will be made of a uniform width of four feet, with a depth of two. This
gigantic undertaking will of course cost an immense amount of time and
money, but under the able supervision of ELKANAH HOPKINS, the gifted
engineer who constructed the board-walk in front of Deacon BREWSTER'S
house, at Standish Four Corners, there can be no doubt of its success.
Advantage will be taken of the duck-pond of Captain JEHOIAKIM BROWN,
which is situated in the course of the proposed canal. By leading the
Canal directly through this pond, at least a quarter of a mile of
excavation will be avoided. M. DE LESSEPS is known to have decided upon
making a similar use of the Bitter Lakes in the construction of his Suez
ditch, after having seen ELKANAH HOPKINS' plans for our great Cape Cod
Canal. Vessels will hereafter pass through this Canal instead of taking
the long voyage around the Cape; and it is believed that the _saving_
which will be effected in the transportation of cod-fish and garden-sass
by the consequent shortening of the voyage, will be something enormous.
There are those who believe that the Canal will yield a yearly revenue
of from eighty to ninety dollars in tolls alone. It is understood that
the European Governments have already proposed to the Mayors of Boston
and Barnstable to guarantee the neutrality of the Canal in case of war;
but it is not possible that the proposition will be acceded to.
Bostonians should have the exclusive control of this magnificent work,
and the Selectmen of several of our prominent towns have drawn up
petitions against the proposition of neutrality. The opening of the
Canal will be the most splendid pageant of modern times. Mrs. JULIA WARD
HOWE will recite an original poem on the occasion; Mr W. H. MURRAY will
preach a sermon; Mrs. STOWE will read a new paper on BYRON, and the
State authorities will proclaim a solemn day of fasting and festivity. A
procession of ten fishing-schooners, headed by a flat-boat, containing
the Mayors and Selectmen of all the Massachusetts towns, will pass
through the Canal. After this, literary exercises are ended; and the
following month will be devoted to the delivery of an oration by Hon.
CHARLES SUMNER, on "The Classical Ditches of Ancient Times, and their
Influence on the Cause of Truth and Freedom."
You, and the minor New-York papers, expect to devote most of your space
to this wonderful undertaking. It is more important than any event which
has taken place since the election of Mr. SUMNER to the Senate. It is a
subject which will interest all your earnest readers, who will be
greatly obliged to me for calling your attention to it.
A FRIEND OF FREEDOM.
* * * * *
OLD SAWS RE-SET.
That must be a pernicious agitation of the circumambient atmosphere,
which conduces not to the benefit of any individual.
The common table utensil which is too frequently conveyed to the
fountain, to obtain the thirst-slaking beverage, will ultimately become
fractured.
By devoting our attention chiefly to the smaller copper coin, the larger
denominations represented by paper currency will require no
_surveillance_.
Persons who inhabit residences composed of a brittle, transparent,
silicious material, should refrain from forcibly casting fragments of
granite, etc.
When the optic image of a given object is not projected upon the
_retina_ of the visual medium, that object fails to be desired by the
chief vital organ of the human anatomy.
When the vigilant feline quadruped, frequently observed in the abodes of
man, is absent, the common domestic animal of the _genus mus_ may
indulge in various relaxations of an entertaining nature.
* * * * *
Common Pleas.
Pleas of Temporary Insanity.
* * * * *
A Standard Work.
J. RUSSEL YOUNG'S new paper.
* * * * *
Drugs in the Market.
An English chemist has discovered a process by which wood of any kind
can be dyed a beautiful and permanent violet hue.
Should that chemist fail to succeed in his profession, he might
profitably turn his attention to writing for the stage, seeing that he
has a decided turn for Dye-a-Log.
* * * * *
THE PLAYS AND SHOWS.
Legs have heretofore been inseparable in the public mind from LYDIA
THOMPSON. Her successes have varied inversely as the length of her
trunk-hose. She has built up her reputation by "break-downs," and has
clutched the burlesque diadem with, innumerable bounds of her elastic
legs. Now, however, she has grown weary of offering up her fatted calves
at the shrine of a prodigal New-York audience, and desires to hide the
lightness of her legs under a bustle and crinoline. Wherefore she
exchanges her PIPPIN for a MOSQUITO, and appears in serious instead of
comic burlesque.
_Mosquito_ is a play written expressly for Miss THOMPSON, by DUMAS
_père_. There is the more reason to believe this assertion, inasmuch as
DUMAS, or somebody else, has already written it expressly for a variety
of other people. It was written for MENKEN, under the title of "_The
Pirates of the Savannah_," some six years since, and was written for
somebody else and played at the Porte St. Martin about seventeen years
ago. We should not be surprised if the "Veteran Observer" of the _Times_
were prepared to prove that it was written expressly for him about the
year 1775. In view of these facts, no one will regard it as improbable
that it was also written for Miss THOMPSON. Be that as it may, however,
there is no doubt that Miss THOMPSON appeared in it on Monday evening
last, and that the following synopsis is much more accurate than even
the play itself.
After an overture, performed principally on an exasperating drum, the
curtain rises on a scene in a seaport town in South America, or, to be
exact, in Bolivia. Various disreputable pirates, whose appearance is a
libel on a profession adorned by such men as Captain EYRE and the
managers of cheap American republishing houses, conspire together in
such mysterious words as these:
_Valderrama (a pirate chief.)_ "To-night we must--"
_Pierre (a comic pirate.)_ "We will, or--"
_Val., etc._ "You have your--?"
_Pierre._ "I have; and--"
_Both Together._ "S-s-s-s-h. Some one comes. Swear to--"
_Enter_ LYDIA THOMPSON, _clothed on with crinoline._ (_To various
pirates._) "Well! How's things? Are you still the--?"
_Various Pirates._ "We are; and if--"
_Enter_ BRENTANO, _the father of_ LYDIA. _He addresses her in tender
accents._ "Me cheyild, the hour is come. I must away. _(To Valderrama.)_
Shall we--?"
_Val., etc._ "We shall. Come, my friend, and--"
_They come. Scene changes to a lonely glen. Comic Pirate explains to_
LYDIA _the secret of her birth in terms which leave it more
unintelligible than ever. Various pirates conspire to murder_ BRENTANO.
_Scene again changes to_ BRENTANO'S _garden. Various pirates enter and
shoot the old man. Applause. Somebody sets the house on fire. Enter_
LYDIA _disguised in boy's clothes. She vows eternal fidelity to_
VALDERRAMA _The audience wildly welcome her familiar legs, and the
curtain falls amid tempestuous applause and the frantic beating of the
fiendish drum._
_Rather Dull Old Gentleman._ "I can't make out what it's all about. Why
does she want to follow VALDERRAMA when she knows he has killed her
father?"
_Theatrical Person, who has seen the manuscript play._ "Don't you see?
She means to avenge herself by reading the _Nation_ to him, or by
singing Shoo-fly. She'll make his life a burden."
_Dull Old Gentleman._ "Oh! I see. But will she turn pirate, too?"
_Theatrical Person._ "By no means. There were no strong-minded women on
the Spanish main. The pirates were bad enough, but they didn't have all
the vices of the present day. She'll go to Paris with VALDERRAMA, and he
will take the title of MARQUIS of FONSECA, and live sumptuously on old
BRENTANO'S money. Just you wait and see."
_Curtain rises on second act, showing the Hotel Fonseca, at Paris.
Several French noblemen repeat ponderous witticisms to one another.
Enter Miss_ MARKHAM _with clothes on. She represents the icy_ DIANA DE
MAULEON.
_Diana._ "Mon Doo! there is my lover LEON DE BEAULIEU. I won't have him,
for he ain't rich enough."
_Leon._ "Mademosel! I love you."
_Diana._ "Mosshure, what's your name? who are your parents? and what's
your income?"
_Leon._ "Alas! I have none."
_Diana._ "Then leave. Ah! Good evening, Mosshure, the MARQUIS DE
FONSECA."
_Fonseca (aside.)_ "LEON is the son of somebody, I forget who. Never
mind, I'll murder him and marry DIANA."
_Mosquito (in other words, Lydia Thompson in a dress that shows her
legs.)_ "I love LEON. I must save him. I will save him."
_Scene changes to an inn on the coast within a few yards of Paris.
Enter_ PIERRE _and other pirates. They conspire to murder_ LEON _and the
French language. Enter_ MOSQUITO _disguised as a serving maid. She
dances, sings, and overhears the plot. Enter_ LEON _in order to be
murdered. By a neat little stratagem_ MOSQUITO _contrives to have the
pirates shoot each other, and saves_ LEON. _Curtain falls, followed by
more maddening performances on the drum._
_Dull Old Gentleman._ "I begin to see into it a little; but who is LEON,
and why does FONSECA want to murder him?"
_Theatrical Person._ "Well, I can't just now remember. It is all cleared
up in the last scene, though. You see, MOSQUITO is the daughter of
BRENTANO, who was killed. She has another father who comes on later.
Somebody else is LEON'S father, and you see FONSECA is the brother--no,
the aunt of PIERRE--no, that's not it precisely--but you'll see."
_Dull Old Gentleman (doubtfully.)_ "I hope so; but that infernal drum
makes such a noise that I can hardly think. Who is that tall, awkward
woman with the turned-up nose, who plays 'DIANA?'"
_Theatrical Person._ "Hush, GRANT WHITE is sitting right behind you.
That is Miss MARKHAM, and she is considered to be very handsome. She is
a little awkward in clothes, but she'll get used to them in time."
_The third act begins. Every body, from the Comic Pirate down to a
Dramatic Writer who is in the play, go to a ball at the Palace Gardens._
MOSQUITO, _disguised as a Gipsy, dances and tells cheerful fortunes.
Fonseca proposes for_ DIANA'S _hand and roars the subject over in a
private conversation with her father, while he and the old gentleman
stand on opposite sides of the garden. Every body quarrels with every
body else. The Comic Pirate challenges_ LEON _to fight a duel, intending
to murder him._ MOSQUITO, _backed by the_ REGENT _of_ ORLEANS _and the
entire court, stops the duel and denounces_ FONSECA. _The latter tries
to murder her and is shot by the Comic Pirate. Then explanations take
place, by which every body is proved to be the father or daughter of
every body else, and the play is ended by an appropriate suggestion from
the_ REGENT, _that the entire party should engage in a congratulatory
dance._
_Dull Old Gentleman._ "Well, I must say I don't understand any thing
about it. I can't even make out the different actors. Who is the rather
pretty, fat woman, dressed like a boy. She don't act a bit, but she
dances nicely."
_Theatrical Person._ "Why, that is LYDIA THOMPSON. The play was written
for her, you know."
_Dull Old Gentleman (evidently getting irritable.)_ "All I've got to say
is this, that I don't know which is the worse, she or the play. What is
the stage coming to? In my day we used to have something like acting at
the old Park. Ah, there was PLACIDE, and ELLEN TREE, and--"
The old gentleman goes slowly out, muttering reminiscences from ancient
history. A tall, intellectual-looking man is seen to withdraw into the
grass-plat in the court-yard, and is there heard to appeal to the
chimney-pots and stars to note the surpassing beauty of the vocal velvet
of the fair MARKHAM. And the undersigned wends his way homeward with the
conviction that _Hamlet_, with the part of HAMLET omitted, would be
intelligible and attractive in comparison with LYDIA THOMPSON and
PAULINE MARKHAM with their legs banished from public view. MATADOR.
* * * * *
PUNCHINELLO IN WALL STREET.
The great art of Doing others as they would like to Do you has always
commended itself to PUNCHINELLO as a very happy rendering of a certain
fusty old rule which, in its original shape, did very well some nineteen
hundred years ago, but is altogether out of date in these brisk times.
Hence the gambols of the merry bulls in that Broad Street which leadeth
to DIVES palace are just now highly entertaining. In that illustrious
quarter of this amazing metropolis there is a beautiful game going on
which is vastly more interesting to watch than to join in, and this
little game is much as follows:
A number of the members of that worthy family of undoubted ancestry and
opulence, and known the world over as the "Cliques," have gone into the
dairy business. The cheese-presses are kept and the churning is done in
the big offices by the wayside; but the milking is carried on in a very
Long Room, found, from considerable experience, to be peculiarly adapted
to this profitable line of trade. Now in the pastoral realms of Finance,
it is an odd fact that not only is the milk all cream, and golden cream
into the bargain, but it is sometimes hard to tell which are the
dairy-maids and which are the kindly animals with the crumpled horns
which furnish the lacteal supply which is so particularly sought after.
Of course every body wants as much cream as possible, and all have faith
that, at the nick of time, it will be given to them to milk instead of
the other thing. There is a pleasant amusement known among juveniles as
"SIMON says up," etc. This is the very milk in the stock-market
cocoanut. When some great member of the big Clique family cries "DANIEL
says up," and every body shouts by mistake "DANIEL says down," then the
Long Room does a very huge business indeed, and the number of cheeses
made is marvellous to relate. When, on the contrary, Clique says "down,"
and the crowd cries "up," and it really should be up, then the great
Clique discover that their dairy-maids have become the other thing, and
that all the cheese is going the other side of the way. This is
exceedingly damaging to the Clique firm; and as it is very painful
indeed to be the other thing, since it makes sore heads and brings on a
tendency to "bust," requiring much careful nursing to recover from the
effect, the Clique family is always careful to arrange every thing in a
manner that shall best insure the monopoly of the lacteal element to
itself.
At present the Cliques have made, most excellent provisions. It is a
rule that nothing so stimulates the production of cream in the financial
pastures as that curious esculent the greenback. Oddly enough, also,
although this esculent la greatly sought after by the other useful
animals in Uncle SAM'S plantation, yet, from one and another cause, vast
quantities of this exhilarating food have been amassed in and around the
banks of Wall street--those banks where the woodbine vainly twineth, and
by whoso side our allegory unhappily lies. With plenty of greenbacks,
therefore, to make every one gay and festive, with the pumps hard at
work to keep the stocks well watered, and with all sorts of devices to
lead the Street family (and a very low but ambitious and prolific family
it is) to cry "up" when DANIEL says "down," the jubilant Cliques have
set their mind upon a thriving Spring business.
PUNCHINELLO gazes down upon the game with equal and serene mind. Since
all wish to milk and not to be the other thing, and as it is not clear
which is going to be which, he is content to watch the cheeses as they
come from the press, and to declare that they at least are seemly and
good to behold. If PUNCHINELLO could only believe that the Street family
was likely to succeed, he would certainly doff his cap to them. Success
is beautiful. It is to Do others as they would Do you. That is the
Nineteenth Century. It is, therefore, sublime. One gets exhausted in
hurrahing for the Cliques. They are always getting the best of it. But
the Street people need encouragement. It is not pleasant to be the other
thing. And if the bloated Clique party are not some time brought to a
turn, the day will come when we shall find all Clique and no cheese--a
consummation devoutly _not_ to be wished for!
* * * * *
"Too Much for Good Nature,"
The acting at Wood's Museum.
* * * * *
A Question for the "Veteran Observer,"
Who was the "Oldest Inhabitant"--Old PARR, or old Grand Par?
* * * * *
Miss-Conductors.
The young ladies who bring back the Trains.
* * * * *
FOREIGN CORRESPONDENCE.
[BY ATLANTIC CABLE.]
GREAT BRITAIN.
Having a peculiar privilege as the correspondent of PUNCHINELLO, I was
on the floor of the House of Commons when Mr. GLADSTONE made his short
speech, on the 25th, about England and possessions. I was standing by
the O'DONOHUE when the Minister said, "_A free and voluntary contract is
the only basis for continued union._" I whispered to O'DONOHUE--Good for
Ireland! He did me the honor to repeat it aloud; but the Minister's
answer was not heard.
Mr. EASTWICK had just been making a speech about "tightening colonial
relations." The _Press Ass_ made this charge somebody or other with
"making tight the Colonel's relations." It was just like that fellow. I
only succeeded by chance in saving him from sending across some stuff
about the Cardinal Archbishop of CRANBERRY, instead of CHAMBERY. I got a
dispatch from, him quoting the _Virago_ of Paris--meaning the _Figaro_,
of course. And then that _Schema_; a Sphinx could not have made it more
of a puzzle, whether he meant that the bishops voted that the Pope
should be _deified_, or _defied_, or that the _de fide_ should pass by
their vote.
CYRUS W. FIELD has been here, in communication with AIRY, the astronomer
Royal, about a telegraph to the moon. A lunatic observation makes it wax
plain that it will not be in wane to attempt it. STOKES and HUGGINS,
moreover, have been taking views of people through the spectroscope.
_Absorption bands_ are very striking in the _spectra_ of the ROTHSCHILDS
and other bankers. _Bright lines_ are seen in TENNYSON and WILLIAM
MORRIS; _dark lines_ in SWINBURNE.
Gaseous substances are shown to exist in certain bodies and people; a
great deal of gas was discovered in VICTOR HUGO. Traces of iron are
visible in NAPOLEON III; and still more, at the last observations, n
BISMARCK. VICTOR EMMANUEL had more of the phosphorus; the Pope, of
sulphur; the PRINCE of WALES, of mercury; the editor of the _Times_, of
lead. GARIBALDI and MAZZINI have a carbon-ari appearance through the
instrument; with some look of nitrous incandescence, also. Laughing-gas
is evidently abundant in PUNCH.
The Lords of the Admiralty have observed that Mr. HALE has proposed in
Congress a 16 million bill for a new American navy. It will be at once
proposed to the House of Commons that 32 millions be spent in iron-clads
here. And the Cabinet of the French Emperor have already prepared their
little bill, demanding of the _Corps Legislatif_ a sum of sixty-four
millions for monster ships. All this is, of course, encouraging. Mr.
HALE had better try again,
Of course you have heard of the great Fenian raid, which really is to
come off. You know there are immense amounts of vegetables and other
provender brought to London from the Continent every day. Now a large
number of sworn Fenians are to go to Holland and learn Dutch, so that
they can go over disguised as petty dealers in food, get to London armed
with revolvers, and carry off the Queen! As the Fenians always do
exactly what they promise to do, this may be relied upon as certain to
happen. It is said that the Queen is studying Dutch as an amusement;
which may be very convenient on the way; she can expostulate with them
better in Dutch than in Irish.
From GERMANY, we learn that JANAUSCHEK is coming to London to play in
English. Also that a ballet corps is coming over to dance in Spanish,
and an opera troupe, to sing phonographically, in Hindoostanee. A new
opera, by BALFE, is spoken of; subject, the Tower of Babel. This was
suggested by the Ecumenical Council; where some body must have been
LISET-ening.
A World's Congress of Croquet Players will be held next month at Baden.
They will not hold their debates in Latin. Among the points discussed
will be, whether it is allowable to pop the question on the croquet
ground. Old maids are quoted as thinking that it distracts the game.
Younger ones would consider it allowable in certain cases.
What people some travelling Americans are! There is one _nouveau riche_
from New-York, who has been going about all over Germany, asking every
body for the sculptor--he thinks his name was METTERNICH--whose most
famous work was the _Status quo_! He wants one of these, he says, for
his _jardin des plantes_; which is going to be as big as the one near
Paris. He has also heard of the Marquis of BUTE; and wants to buy one or
two of his things; because somebody once read to him, out of a
copy-book, that "a thing of Bute is a joy forever." I have not time to
tell you, today, about my late interview with the Pope. --PRIME
* * * * *
[Illustration:
EVERY MAN HIS OWN POLICEMAN.
EXEMPLIFIED BY THE FOLLOWING DESIGNS OF PUNCHINELLO'S PATENT ARMOR.
OPEN CASE.
IN CASE OF ASSASSIN.
IN CASE OF STAGE ACCIDENT.
IN CASE OF PICK-POCKET.
IN CASE OF MAD BULL.]
* * * * *
OUR PORT-FOLIO.
Upon opening our mail, the other morning, a communication signed
"Tragedian," purporting to come from the father of three boys, (each
remarkable in his way,) particularly attracted our attention. He stated
with peculiar succinctness some singular developments of genius in the
second of these prodigies, which do not always accompany such tender
adolescence. "But twelve years old!" exclaims the enraptured parent,
"and yet my FRITZ has produced a tragedy in three acts, entitled 'The
Drewid's Curse.' No less a judge than our leading town lawyer, squire
MANGLES, was so kind as to say that such an instance of the histrionic
flux in a child of FRITZ'S years, was utterly unparalleled. If
PUNCHINELLO could find space for a few specimens of the 'Curse,' they
shall be cheerfully furnished."
(It might as well be stated here that curses of this character are
already quite abundant, and that PUNCHINELLO can not find space for any
of them. Still a kind word may not be misunderstood.)
To the son of a man who spells "Druid" with a "_w_," all things must be
possible, from a hangman's noose to a Presidential nomination, and the
danger to be apprehended in this case is, that some of "Tragedian's"
posterity may slip into one or the other of them. A parental raid upon
all the pens, ink and paper that could possibly come within the reach of
a youth whose soul revels in Druidical reminiscences, is the only
effective remedy which at present occurs to us. The "histrionic flux" is
a kindred disease, and would, of course, be susceptible of the same
treatment.
* * * * *
DEAR PUNCHINELLO: I am not mad, but to you, alone, I confide the secret
of my sanity. Nevertheless I thirst for blood.
Feelings over which I have no control, render it imperative that I
should shoot somebody. Precisely who may be the victim of this
insatiable desire, fate alone can decide. I propose some day next week
to commence a general fusilade from the windows of my office upon the
passers-by. My sole security in this affair, is a maiden aunt now in the
Lunatic Asylum. I look with confidence to her malady as my triumphant
vindication. My object in writing to you is to ask whether, in your
opinion, the fact is sufficient to _guarantee_ a verdict of "Not
Guilty," in case I am prosecuted for murder, or whether an unscrupulous
jury could sacrifice me to the unsettled condition of the popular mind
on the subject of justifiable insanity. Yours sanguinarily,
--RABIES.
PUNCHINELLO expresses his opinion in reference to the above letter with
great reluctance. He fears that if he gives his advice according to his
real convictions, he may be overrun with similar applications, and if he
gives advice that he doesn't feel, he will condemn "RABIES" to the
mortification of the gallows. He therefore takes a middle course, and
observes that the possession of an aunt in the Lunatic Asylum is
certainly strong presumptive evidence that her nephew is no better than
she is. Here in New-York, it would be difficult to upset such evidence,
but elsewhere the result might be different. "RABIES" gives no clue to
his whereabouts. PUNCHINELLO, therefore, presumes that he does not
contemplate murder here. Very well, then, it would be unadvisable to
kill any one, until at least two respectable physicians could testify
that either before or after the act they had called upon "RABIES," fully
interviewed him on the subject of the maiden aunt, and found that the
slightest allusion to her was productive of any of the following
phenomena:
1st. Sudden and violent twitching of the eyes.
2d. Discoloration of the veins of the nose, resulting in an appearance
abnormally rubicund.
3d. Manifestations of extravagant thirst, which water could not satisfy.
4th. Tendency to reach for his boot-straps, as if with the view of
lifting himself by the same.
5th. Rapid rise of the pulse from 50 to 500--say within the space of ten
seconds.
6th. Shoo-fly! movement of the hand toward the cheek as if some thing
had alighted there, and patient were trying to rub it off.
7th. The presence of a cicatrix on the left temple (This is a most
irrefutable proof of insanity).
8th. Psychological developments indicative of "moral alienation."
9th. Gangrenous condition of the tongue, proceeding from a disordered
liver, and mysteriously communicated to the brain.
10th. Any symptoms going to show that patient might mistake another
man's wife for his own.
11th. Discovery at the last moment that patient's father suffered
himself to be hung for murder.
PUNCHINELLO offers these as the accepted _data_ by which RABIES may
measure his chances for life in case he executes his avowed purpose,
but I would impress upon him the fact that these are necessary _outside_
of New-York only. Here proof of the lunacy of the maiden aunt would be
sufficient.
* * * * *
UNCLE SAMUEL
To His Lit-tle Lads in Con-gress.
[A LESSON IN EASY WORDS OF ONE SYLLABLE.]
My lads! I will be plain with, you:
I am not pleased with all you do.
I hate to scold, and yet I must;
And you will take it well, I trust.
When first I saw you, nice and clean,
It was a sight to show the Queen!
I was an ass to like you so;
But where we _wish_ to like, we do.
I should have known it could not be;
For luck, of late, is gone from me.
No more I see the good old times
When fools were fools, and crimes were crimes,
And boys and men had work to do,
And did not play till work was through.
The times have changed; so have the boys!
I know this, when I hear your noise,
And note your slack work, day by day;
Each lad must have his own small way,
If it is but to loaf and loll,
Or else, not to come in at all,
Or not to care for what is done
If so be it can yield no fun,
Or else, to be as coarse and rough,
As rash and rude, and grum and gruff,
As though it were some bear that spoke,
Whom all the world must long to choke.
For shame, my lads! I let you draw
All I can spare to you by law;
Each lad of you takes all he can,
But not a soul acts like a man!
What do you _do_, for such fine pay?
What have you done these five months? Say!
You know you ought to do some good;
The friends that sent you, think you should.
Have you no pride, no sense! In fine,
Why do you waste their time and mine?
If it could move you, I'd tell how
The boys that sat where you sit now
Once _earned_ their pay, and got the name
Of fine, brave lads! But you!--for shame!
Boys, I could thrash you all, I fear!
It may be, times will change, this year--
Your friends all tire of you, I know,
And what, if they should let you go!
The school, through you, has such a name
All good men feel a kind of shame;
They feel the world must laugh, at last--
The world that could not scorn the past!
Oh, think of that, my lads! I see
You do not mean to turn from me.
From _me_, your best of friends? Oh, no!
I may seem grave, and dull, and slow.
But you and I, my lads, are one!
Your fame, your blame, I can not shun.
Much have I borne for you, of late;
But you are small, and I am great!
* * * * *
A Reflection for Recorder Hackett.
The GRAHAM bread bakers are useful members of the community, but the
same can not be said of GRAHAM bred lawyers.
* * * * *
[Illustration: CRITICAL INTELLIGENCE.
_Able Critic._ "BUT WHAT SORT OF A CREATURE IS THAT UPON WHICH THE YOUNG
WOMAN STANDS?"
_Artist (who likes to "sell" bores.)_ "O! THAT'S A GONOPH."
_Able Critic._ "AH! YES. I THOUGHT SO." _(And he wonders what in thunder
a "gonoph" is.)_]
* * * * *
A SONG OF THE NEW BABEL.
[_Dedicated with sentiments of the most inexpressible respect to the
Members of the Forty-First Congress._]
I.
Oh! who, for any payment auriferous or argent,
Would undertake to do the work that Mr. Speaker does--
With nobody to help him except the trembling Sergeant,
While still begin and never end the shout and scream and buzz?
Oh, never any where, save in desert groves Brazilian,
Was ever heard such endless and aimless gabble yet.
For there the tribes of monkeys to the number of a million,
Screech and chatter without ceasing, from the sunrise to the set.
Rap! rap! rap!
To quell the rising clamor;
Order! order! order!
Hammer! hammer! hammer!
II.
O strength of tongue how awful! O power of lungs how mighty!
Whence draw ye, honest gentlemen, your constant wind supply?
Whence comes your inspiration, belligerent or flighty?
Your common-place that grovels and your metaphors so high?
Pray, why not try, for novelty, a kind of solo speaking?
One man upon his legs--only one upon the floor?
For eloquence,'tis possible, does not consist in shrieking,
And really where's the argument in all this thundering roar?
Rap! rap! rap!
To quell the rising clamor;
Order! order! order!
Hammer! hammer! hammer!
III.
The country listens sadly to the racket most distressing,
And wonders, in its bother, if e'er the time will come
When the Fates and Constitution will vouchsafe to us the blessing
Of a House of Representatives completely deaf and dumb;
Or if, perhaps, in exile these noisy mischief-makers,
The stream of elocution run most fortunately dry,
In seats of legislation, rows of ruminating Quakers
May shake their heads for "Nay" and may nod their heads for "Aye."
Rap! rap! rap!
To quell the rising clamor;
Order! order! order!
Hammer! hammer! hammer!
IV.
But if these mighty nuisances we cannot stop or flee 'em,
If past all other remedy the sounding evil reaches,
Oh, why not send for GILMORE of the Boston Coliseum,
That he may drill the Members in a chorus to make speeches?
Then shall stop the fierce _rencontre_--shall cease the idle rating;
Then debates shall he no longer without a head or tail;
And while the power of song every soul is demonstrating,
Each member cherubimical will scorn to rant or rail.
Rap! rap! rap!
To quell the rising clamor;
Order! order! order!
Hammer! hammer! hammer!
V.
But if for solo speaking Members still feel an avidity;
If they burn to make orations of most uncommon zest,
Let them just take our precaution against intense stupidity!
Let them study PUNCHINELLO and learn how to make a jest;
But away with dreams chimerical and projects vain, though clever!
The power of tongue's proportionate to wondrous length of ear;
The beast that carried BALAAM is as garrulous as ever,
And still the lobby listener must be content to hear
Rap! rap! rap!
To quell the rising clamor;
Order! order! order!
Hammer! hammer! hammer!
* * * * *
[Illustration: BARNACLES ON OUR COMMERCE.
_Intelligent Foreigner._ "WHY ARE ALL THESES AMERICAN SHIPS
LYING IDLE IN THEIR DOCKS, SIR, INSTEAD OF EARNING MONEY AT
SEA?"
_Despondent Ship-owner._ "IT'S ALL THE BARNACLES, SIR. NO
SHIP CAN SAIL WITH THEM ON, AND WE DON'T KNOW HOW WE'RE
GOING TO GET THEM OFF."]
* * * * *
CONDENSED CONGRESS.
SENATE.
Just as usual, WILSON had another little scheme on hand. There was no
money in it--nothing but a little Massachusetts glory. It was to set
apart a day to decorate the graves of the Union dead. Mr. WILSON
remembered that it would have been more consonant to his own feelings to
confine the ornamentations to the graves of colored men and the men of
Massachusetts. But for the sake of peace and harmony he was willing to
decorate all round.
Mr. GARRETT DAVIS suggested that it didn't make any difference whether
they set apart a day or not. If people wished to decorate, they would
decorate, and if they didn't, they wouldn't.
Mr. DRAKE said Mr. DAVIS'S hands were dripping with loyal gore.
Mr. DAVIS said he would reply to that insinuation the first leisure week
he had. In the meantime he contented himself with hurling the foul
slander back into Mr. DRAKE'S teeth, if Mr. DRAKE had any.
Lest Mr. DAVIS should execute his threat of making a speech, the Senate
referred the subject.
Then there was a first-class wrangle about giving pensions to Mrs.
LINCOLN and Mrs. RAWLINGS. It was represented that Mrs. LINCOLN was
given up to riotous living upon pumpernickel and ganzebroost, at a
German watering-place, and that there was a rumor afloat that unless
Congress pensioned her at once, she might marry a German prince. Mr.
SHERMAN, on behalf of the Finance Committee, represented that German
princes were notoriously expensive and impecunious, and that it would be
much cheaper to pension Mrs. LINCOLN alone than to pension her and a
German prince together. He submitted some statements, showing what it
had cost Great Britain to have German princes marrying into the Royal
family. The Senate, therefore, incontinently passed the bill.
Mr. Morrill introduced a neat little swindle, which does equal credit to
his hand and heart, providing that the United States should have the
free use of all patents granted under it. He said this was to discourage
that pernicious class of men, the inventors. In many branches of
industry, such as arms, the Government was the only customer of the
inventor. In those cases, the inventor's gray hairs would be brought
immediately to the grave. And inasmuch as the Government had a finger in
almost every body's pie, the future FULTONS and GOODYEARS would starve
to death before the completion of their diabolical devices.
Some land-grabs were rushed through, when Mr. SAULSBURY objected. He
said nobody made any thing out of this except the Western Senators. He
called upon the men of the Eastern States to stand up for their share.
He had a little game in the interest of his own constituents. It was no
chimerical railway. It was a good, substantial, practical concern. He
demanded six million acres in behalf of the Delaware Balloon Navigation
Company. If this demand were not complied with, it would show that the
Senate were actuated by the basest personal motives.
HOUSE.
The gentle JULIAN insisted upon proposing his sixteenth or seventeenth
amendment. He said that he understood several women intended to vote,
and he introduced this to preserve his domestic peace.
Mr. JENCKES, for the forty-fifth time, called up his Civil Service bill.
Mr. BUTLER, for the thirty-seventh time, introduced a bill to annex San
Domingo.
Mr. KELLEY and Mr. SCHENCK raved a neat but not new duett, "Give us
Tariff or give us Death."
Mr. LOGAN gave a fine rendering of his famous bass solo, "The Tariff be
Hanged."
Mr. SCHENCK intimated that Mr. LOGAN was an insect. At first he said he
was a pismire, but the Speaker said pismire was not parliamentary, and
he modified it to grasshopper.
Mr. KELLEY said that he took his stand upon American pig-iron, for which
our fathers fought and bled. Did they never hear of Valley Forge? Our
fathers suffered in that forge for the sake of protecting their children
in the right to smelt in other forges. He said that the man who could
smelt two pigs of iron where only one was smelted before, was a public
benefactor.
Mr. COX said he could not smelt a pig, but he thought he smelt a rat.
Mr. JENCKES said he thought his Civil Service bill would tend to
diminish stealing.
Mr. PETERS said he would oppose it for that very reason. He wished to
reward his friends. It was no reward for a man who stood by his country
in her hour of peril, to be given an office in which he had to work for
a living. What patriot would not be disgusted by the ingratitude of a
country which dared to insult him like that? There was nothing in this
bill to prevent a man dripping with loyal gore from holding office, if
he was honest and intelligent; whereas, one of his, Mr. PETERS'S
staunchest supporters might be refused an office, if he had the
misfortune to be dishonest and dull. The notion of making "capacity and
integrity" a qualification for office-holding was unprecedented, and was
preposterous. If things went on in this way, even members of Congress
would be compelled to do something for their pay. Now he preferred to
administer the public service on the good old principle they all had
practised, of "You tickle me and I'll tickle you."
* * * * *
NOTES FROM CHICAGO.
The Garden City seems to be in a quiescent state at present. There is no
startling divorce case on the _topis_, and the main portion of the Court
House has not yet fallen in, and Mr. H.'s wife has not recently
surprised him in any well-matured plan for putting a _quietus_ upon her
existence. Domestic felicity is unusually prevalent. The scarlet-fever
and measles have prevailed to a somewhat alarming extent; but the most
contagious of all has been the _French_ fever. This malady seems to have
spread amongst all classes; the fashionable and the unfashionable, the
strong-minded and the frivolous. French teachers swarm like bees, here,
there, and every where, and all speaking the purest Parisian French;
even Mons. L'HARMONIQUE, who comes from that wee little town in Canada,
where the Canucks "most do congregate." But he says "the Americans do
love so much humbug," that he gives them their fill of that article.
We have had French parties, French plays, French lectures. We read
French, speak French, sing French, and look French; and, if you are so
barbarously ignorant as not to understand that language, why, you might
just as well retire for an old fossil or petrifaction. You're obsolete,
that's all; as much behind the times as RIP VAN WINKLE himself, after
his memorable sleep. English is out of date here--a relic of the Dark
Ages. Fashionable ladies return from Paris, bringing with them
accomplished _bonnes_, and every one is prohibited from speaking a word
of English to the children; but, in spite of every precaution, the
vulgar little creatures will drop the musical foreign tongue, and speak
their own native language. They are christened ADÈLE, MARIE, or CLAIRE;
the SUSANS, MARYS, and ELLENS having ceased to exist.
Parisian fashions, of course, reign triumphant, and the pretty young
girls in French frizzes and furbelows, shrug their fair white shoulders
exactly as they see "that elegant Madame DE----" do, and gesticulate
with what they imagine to be the true French grace and vivacity. They
all have a charming young teacher, with whom they carry on a most
romantic flirtation, that of course means nothing; and each one of these
fair students, (who conscientiously puts a "g" to every termination
possible, and who says _monseer_,) will tell you, with a complacent
smile, that Professor ---- considers her pronunciation unusually
excellent. They are all studying in the blissful anticipation of a trip
to Paris, where they will be presented to the Empress in yellow satin
gowns, and then, when they return, how eagerly will they be sought by
the fashionable young snobs, who long will see upon their fair brows the
reflection of imperial glory. That is, if the dark-eyed ROMEOS abroad
allow them ever to return to their native country.
* * * * *
[Illustration: MR. GLAUBER, DRUGGIST, WHO HAS HAD A DISPUTE WITH HIS
SIGN-PAINTER, IS NOT AWARE THAT THE LATTER HAD COME IN THE NIGHT, AND
TRANSPOSED THE LETTERING OF HIS NEW SIGN-BOARD. THIS ACCOUNTS FOR THE
COMPLACENCY OF MR. G., AS HE VIEWS THE CROWDS OF PEOPLE OVER THE WAY WHO
STOP TO GAZE AT IT.]
* * * * *
COMIC ZOOLOGY,
Order-Reptilia.
SPECIES-BULLFROG.
Although the batrachian is of the genus _bufo_, he is by no means a
_buffo_ genius. He may be styled the solemn organist of the swamp;
slough music being his specialty. Like other out-door performers on wind
instruments, he is chiefly heard in pleasant weather, and during the
summer his organ is without stops. Being a Democrat, he appreciates the
dignity of labor, and consequently is not ashamed to blow his own
bellows.
Winter shuts the bull-frog up like a four-bladed jack-knife, and he does
not open until the blades are started by the Spring. He seldom leaves
his mud bivouac for active service before April, but a Forward March
sometimes induces him to move earlier. As a rule, however, the smaller
varieties of the species begin to ply their bog-pipes some weeks before
he volunteers a voluntary.
Originally, this member of the Frog family had no surname, but about two
thousand years ago, in consequence of his disastrous failure in an
attempt to rival a male animal of the bovine species, the prefix "bull"
was incorporated with his patronymic by a crooked little Greek. The
name, however, more appropriately belongs to the Horned Frog of Sumatra.
The habits of the Bull-Frog are believed by observant naturalists to be
strictly temperate, although there is a rumor afloat that he has been
seen Over the Bay in New-Jersey. It is suspected, however, that the
originators of the story were persons who visited that State to avoid
the restrictions of the Sunday liquor-law, and consequently saw as
through a glass darkly. Be that as it may, it is certain that this
species of reptiles (unlike the "paragon of animals,") is never too
drunk to navigate.
Mankind is deeply indebted to the Bull-Frog. We should never have known
how to keep our heads above water but for their example, and, though Mr.
CHASE may not be aware of the fact, their greenbacks were the first that
ever issued from the Banks of America. Naturally, therefore, they are in
advance of SALMON, and, long before he put our currency on its present
footing, the hinder limb of a bull-frog was a legal tender.
The frog exists in most parts of the world, and at one time all the
varieties of the species were Plaguily abundant in Egypt. They were
introduced there to punish the people for their rascality, and appeared
in such numbers among the Egyptian blacklegs that they stopped the game
of PHARAOH. There is nothing poetic in the aspect of the frog. It is
simply a tenaqueous bag of wind, yet it has occasionally given an
impulse to the divine _afflatus_. We have it on the authority of the
celebrated traveller Count SMORLTORK that the distinguished Mrs. LEO
HUNTER, once wrote an "Ode to a Perspiring Frog."
The costume of a Bull-Frog consists of a green coat with yellow vest and
brownish breeches, and when he requires a change of uniform, he pulls
off the old one and swallows it. This fact has been doubted; but why
should It be deemed incredible? Are there not parallel cases in the
human family? GOLDSMITH tells us that he once lived for a fortnight on
his coat and waistcoat; and every pawnbroker knows that a cast-off suit
often furnishes the material for a family dinner. Why should not a frog
sustain life with his Pants as well as a Christian?
Common brown frogs are good baits for FISH in most of the counties in
this State; but when you go to HAMILTON try the greenbacks.
The unlicked cubs of the batrachian family are known (irrespective of
sex) as Pollywogs, and are the meanest of all the reptile race except
the radical Scaliwags. They are all heads and tails, and then, not the
toss of a copper to choose between the two ends, as regards hideousness.
The manner in which the tails are gradually developed into legs is very
curious, but, as this is not a Caudal lecture, it is unnecessary to
describe the process.
It has been metrically stated that the fast young batrachian goes a
wooing in an Opera hat, irrespective of his mother's consent, but this
assertion is not borne out by BUFFON or CUVIER, and maybe set down as a
_lapsus lyrea_. Upon the whole the Bull-Frog, though harmless as a lamb,
is nearly as stupid as a donkey, which accounts for his taking up his
abode among Morasses, when he might dwell in the woods with the turtle
and "feel like a bird." Furthermore, and finally, the subject is a
slippery one and difficult to handle, and, therefore, with this remark
we drop it.
* * * * *
A Clerical Error.
A PRESBYTERIAN clergyman, the Rev. CHARLES B. SMYTHE, has been
scandalizing a community in New-Jersey by putting gin in his milk, and
that on a Sunday afternoon. From the rebuke administered to Rev. SMYTHE
by the authorities of his church, it appears that his case must have
been a very aggravated one. They admonished him to "walk more correctly
in future;" the inference to be drawn from which is that the amount of
milk-punch, outside of which Rev. SMYTHE had placed himself, was
sufficient to impart a stagger to his gait.
* * * * *
Right to a T.
The employment of Chinese laborers to build railroads is very suggestive
of a well-known product of the Celestial Empire, since railroad tracks
are usually laid with T rails.
* * * * *
"What's in a Name?"
Letters of the Alphabet.
* * * * *
A Be-Knighted Set.
The Canadian Government.
* * * * *
[Illustration: PUNCHINELLO CORRESPONDENCE.]
ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS.
_Anxious Inquirer_. Can you give me any clue to the whereabouts of
Collector BAILEY? I have advertised repeatedly for information
concerning him without the slightest success.
N.B. PUNCHINELLO begs to give notice that he doesn't keep a detective
police agency, but the gentleman in question is said to be in _Esse_.
_Economist_. Is a gentleman who invites a lady to the theatre obliged to
hire a carriage to take her in?
_Answer_. Not at all. He can Take her In by not keeping his appointment,
or--he can charter an omnibus if he likes.
_Vinous_. Can you give me any information about high wines and dry
wines? Can wines be high and not dry, or both high and dry, or how?
Please explain. Was HENRI do BOURBON the last of the Bourbons?
_Answer_ I. DELMONICO'S _Clos Vouguet_ at $16 per bottle is a high wine
but not a dry wine. It might be, though, if it wasn't wet. II. Not by a
good many.
X. Please, Mr. PUNCHINELLO, who were CASTOR and POLLUX?
_Answer_. Twins. (By Gemini you ought to have known that!)
_Scissors_. Where can I have access to old files of the leading
news-papers?
_Answer_. In the editorial rooms of the same. You must be brief,
however, as their time is valuable, and these Old Files are apt to be
crusty, if bored.
_Old Salt_. How can sea-sickness be avoided?
_Answer_. By never going to sea.
_Linnaeus_. Does a knowledge of botany necessarily involve a knowledge
of square root and cube root?
_Answer_. Our correspondent is evidently trying to quiz us. PUNCHINELLO
will pay no attention to levity of this sort.
_Claude_. I desire to make a few presents to a young lady who is
intellectual but very timid. What shall I give her?
_Answer_. Presents of Mind.
_M.C._ I am going to buy a new faro-table for my place up-town--you know
where. What is the best shape and material?
_Answer_. A Square Deal table generally suite _players_ the best.
_Williams_. No, sir; the term Fiscal year has no reference to Col. FISK,
Jr.
_Gardener_. Haydn's Book of Dates is not a Horticultural book.
_Byron, Jr_. Your verses would be much better if you would pay less
attention to your Feet and more to your Head.
_M.J.B._ Dear Mr. PUNCHINELLO: Our darling little pet, Tinkums, is not
well, and does nothing but cry all night, to Charlie's great vexation.
What will stop the little darling's crying?
We would suggest a hot pitch plaster directly over the mouth--that is,
if the child was in the house with us.
* * * * *
Ego Sum.
I am some. (Pumpkins understood.)
* * * * *
The Milky Way.
The road from Orange County.
* * * * *
Edwin to Emma.
Flax Vobiscum.
* * * * *
SAILING DIRECTIONS
FOR ENTERING AND LEAVING YOKOHAMA BAY.
From our special correspondent if Washington we have received the
following Special Order of the Navy Department, directing United States
men-of-war how to approach and leave Yokohama:
SPECIAL ORDER NO. 999.
In consequence of the late disaster to the U.S. sloop Oneida, the
following rules are hereby published for the guidance of vessels of war
approaching the Bay of Yokohama:
I. On making the land, or if at night, on striking the soundings, all
hands will be called to prayers.
II. After prayers all boats will be lowered and towed astern, to be out
of the way of damage.
III. The gunner, under direction of the executive officer, will dismount
all guns, and strike them into the hold. The reasons for this action
will be at once apparent to commanders of vessels, when they reflect
that, in case of collision, the guns would be useless as signals, owing
to the extraordinary deafness of the officers belonging to the
Peninsular and Oriental Mail Steamship Company; and a reference to the
details of the Oneida's disaster will show the danger of the guns
breaking loose and destroying human life. They will, therefore, be at
once stowed in the hold.
IV. On entering the bay, the helm must be kept amidships. The rule of
the road, according to English interpretation, is so difficult of
comprehension that the above is by far the safest plan.
V. Each officer and man will be directed to secure upon his person such
valuables belonging to him as he can conveniently carry.
VI. Finally, it shall be the duty of the commander to see that all hands
are provided with life-preservers.
VII. The same rules will apply to vessels leaving Yokohama and
proceeding to sea.
VIII. Having taken the above precautions, vessels may stand boldly into
the bay, and in case they are run into and sunk by any other vessel (say
for example one of the Peninsular and Oriental Company's ships) their
officers and men will stand some little chance of saving their lives.
But should all precautions fail, the gallant crew will be no doubt
greatly consoled, as they sink to their graves, by the reflection that a
pious Congress will pass resolutions of sympathy for their widows and
orphans.
* * * * *
A PLEA FOR PROTECTION.
MR. PUNCHINELLO: I like your paper, though it is altogether too light
and trifling in its treatment of serious subjects. Besides, it never
treats of any thing serious. This won't do. The earnest men and women of
the nation require something better at your hands. I have an essay on
the "Origin of Evil," which I forward to you by this mail, and which,
when published, will give an entirely different character to your
journal. I want you, moreover, to advocate our American doctrine of
Protection. Even our ablest statesmen, KELLEY, GREELEY, and DANIEL
PRATT, have never carried this doctrine far enough. They are willing to
protect American iron-masters by prohibiting the introduction of foreign
iron, but why don't they protect American laborers by forbidding foreign
workmen to land on our shores? I demand protection for the native
ditcher. Forbid the Irishmen to land here and to lower the price of
labor by competing with our own ditch-diggers. Put a stop to the influx
of German tailors and bootmakers, who prevent native artists from
earning the wages that would otherwise be theirs. Protect our authors by
prohibiting the sale of works written by foreigners. Keep all foreign
pictures out of the country, and give our own POWELLS and ROSSITERS a
chance. And, above all, protect our American girls by preventing any
pretty English, French, or German girls from coming in competition with
them. These foreign girls bring their pretty faces here and glut the
matrimonial market. The fewer the marriageable girls, the higher their
market value. We protect iron-workers, and decline to protect our own
daughters. This is an outrage. Shall we prevent the railroad companies
from laying rails made of foreign iron, and permit husbands to marry
foreign wives? Every patriotic and protectionist instinct revolts
against it. I want you to take this matter up. Let us have no more
foreign manufactures, foreign iron, foreign books, foreign laborers, or
foreign girls. This is the true American system, and I look to you to
aid in carrying it out. MOTHER CAREY.
* * * * *
PUNCHINELLO IS SORRY.
Alas! it is with tears in his eyes, albeit unaccustomed to such humor,
that PUNCHINELLO condoles with the ladies of Massachusetts on the defeat
of the proposition to endow them with the right of suffrage. The Puritan
Patriots in the State Legislature, who unanimously recognize the "inborn
right" of the black field-hands of South Carolina and Georgia to make
laws for the white women of the Republic, have scornfully denied, by a
vote of 133 to 68, that the white women aforesaid have any political
rights at all; thus officially proclaiming to the world that they
consider their wives, their daughters, and the mothers that bore them,
inferior to the ignorant male African; unworthy to vote with him at the
polls or to sit with him in council.
PUNCHINELLO is aware that the ladies of Massachusetts had set their
hearts upon rising to the negro level "before the law," and can
therefore appreciate their disappointment; but they ought to have known
that neither the ties of nature, the bonds of wedlock, nor the claims of
intelligence, are of any force in the Home of the Pilgrims, as compared
with the influence of the Ebony Lords of Creation, whoso reign as
sovereigns commenced with the ratification of the Fifteenth Amendment.
The STANTONS, the BLACKWELLS, and the ANTHONYS, the Members of the
Women's Parliament and the Sisters of Sorosis, advocated negro suffrage
with the full expectation of sharing the franchise with PETE and CUFF;
but alas! while these wool-dyed Africans are conducted in triumph to the
ballot-box, _they_ are ignominiously thrust back from it. For this black
wrong there is no colorable pretext. There is not a shade of excuse for
it, and PUNCHINELLO hopes that it will open the eyes of the ladies of
the land, and prevent them henceforth and for ever from placing the
slightest confidence in the gallantry or impartiality of the Puritanic
prigs of New-England.
* * * * *
ASTRONOMICAL CONVERSATIONS.
[BY A FATHER AND DAUGHTER RESIDING ON THE PLANET VENUS.]
No. III.
_D._ Now then, father, for that Description of the Telescope!
_F._ Very well, my child. The great Object of the telescope--
_D._ Is the Object-Glass, is it not, father?
_F._ Come, come, HELENE; no nonsense, now. The great object had in view
by the inventors of the telescope--
_D._ Father, don't you mean the Great Object they _expected_ to have in
view, when they got it made; a Distant World, for instance?
_F._ Pshaw, child! be serious. Don't spoil a good thing by untimely
interjections. They are as mal à propos as a mosquito coming across the
Field of View.
_D._ I'd rather he'd do that than come across _me!_
_F._ Well, HELENE, you are positively exasperating!
_D._ Not more so than your mosquito.
_F._ Well, I declare--this is too bad!
_D._ So is his bite!
_F._ Well, well; I must walk out and take the air. [_Going_]
_D._ Yes, pa, (and see that you don't take anything else!) Now, then!
for a grand look for my Charmer! Really, I am getting quite Earthly!
[_Looks through the instrument a few moments_] Why, what is this? Oh,
pshaw! I see! I've got JUPITER by mistake! I mistook one of his Belts
for a new Belt Railroad. It would have been a Big Thing, that railroad;
not less than 75,000 miles long, as I figure it. Perhaps those Belts
_are_ Railroads! Perhaps they have Rings there, as they have at Saturn,
only less conspicuous. JUPITER is rather a Slushy planet, if I am
correct in regard to its Specific Gravity; of about the consistency,
perhaps, of the New-York Poultice Pavement I've been reading about. I
should think that JUPITER'S lack of gravity and consistency would make
him a favorite with Aldermen--not the less for having so many
Satellites. I wonder if the New Charter is the celebrated Magna Charter
under a new name? Probably it is no better. Oh, dear! the annoyance of
living so far away! Nothing here attracts me. The distant, the
unattainable, is all I think or care about!
F. [_Coming in quietly._] What's that, HELENE, about the charms of
the Unattainable? You don't seem to see any thing very attractive in
MERCURY or MARS!
_D._ Well, some things may be both unattainable and undesirable. That's
the case with the little thieving god MERCURY, and that big red-skinned
Prize-Fighter, MARS. I can't understand, however, why these disreputable
deities should he worshipped in your favorite New-York.
_F._ Well, as near as I can see, (a matter of a few million miles, more
or less,) when you speak of Worship, they have more regard there for
Millinery than any thing else. The Christian Religion is based on
Humility, which has Purity and Simplicity for her Handmaids. Look into
some of these New-York churches! see how the jewels glisten, the rich
stuffs fall gracefully in massive folds. Observe the sumptuousness, the
elaborate display! A fine Humility this! Then look at the ceremonial.
Here is a church edifice, belonging to a denomination that assumes to be
Decent and Orderly in ceremony. Is it so in _this_ church? What means
all this tawdriness of color, the crimson, the blue, the gold; what
signify these fantastic designs and figures, these monkey-like
genuflexions; this wilderness of sign and symbol, this elaborate
abasement, this theatrical show of exaltation? This an improvement on
the old dignified simplicity? Do you tell me that childishness, and
prettiness, and pettiness, are valid substitutes for a genuine, manly
modesty and simplicity?
_D._ (Oh, dear! he's been drinking again! How bitter the Bitters do make
him!) Look! Father, come, quick! Here is a Railroad Accident, such as
you have often wished to see. Two trains have collided, and both have
rolled down an embankment at least seventy feet high! into a river, I do
declare! They are all lost!
_F._ Do let me see at once, HELENE I [_Looks eagerly._] Ah, yes; all
gone; nothing visible but one smoke-pipe, three stove-pipe hats, four
bits of orange-peel, some pea-nut shells, and thirteen copies of the
_New-York Ledger_. Sad fate! But see! Some dry-goods-no, a young lady
flounders along toward the shore! The bystanders rush up; she is nearly
exhausted; pants rapidly; they congratulate her. A well-dressed young
man approaches. She instantly begins to think of her looks; her hand
flies to her back hair. Heavens! there is so much gone there that she
shrieks in alarm! Her fall in the water has detached her Waterfall!
_That_ gone, every thing is gone! She springs to her feet! Glancing
hurriedly over the watery waste, now plentifully strewn with fans,
little canes, and certain objects which are either mail-bags or
_chignons_, she descries her better part, and with a wild cry, (as when
a mother rescues her babe from tigers,) dashes in and seizes the darling
object! She presses it to her lips, and impetuously breaks for the
shore! Alas! too late, by about ten and a half seconds! "Save it!" she
seems to cry; tosses the wad ashore, and down she goes, with her hand on
the back of her head, her last thoughts, evidently, more or less,
connected with that sympathizing young man on the bank above.
_D._ Father, you talk like a brute! Have you no feeling? Boo-hoo
hoo-hoo!
_F._ Child, I am _all_ feeling. Boo-hoo-hoo-too!
* * * * *
HORTICULTURAL HINTS.
KITCHEN GARDEN.--Plant pickles early, if you are up in time; if not,
later. But don't eat them late, unless you are equally fond of
dyspepsia.
In planting peas, select that kind that does not grow hard and yellow;
that is, unless you supply boarding-houses, or have a government
contract for the supply of shot.
Grated turnips, mixed with horse-radish, for the table, will assuage
one's grief for one's grandmother.
Rice-puddings can be grown, ready-made, by sowing rice with cowcumbers.
Try it.
NURSERY.--Transplant from hot-beds to bath-tub as soon as possible,
using sponge with palm-soap and cold water. Top-dress with comb and
brush. Trim limbs according to age. Train with rods. Much depends on
starting right, so start to school right after breakfast.
+--------------------------------------------------------------+
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| 53c EACH AND UPWARDS, |
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| PARIS AND DOMESTIC MADE |
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LIABLE TO "INTERVIEWING" WHEN LOVELY WOMAN SHALL HAVE OBTAINED THE RIGHT
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PUNCHINELLO:
TERMS TO CLUBS.
WE OFFER AS PREMIUMS FOR CLUBS
FIRST:
DANA BICKFORD'S PATENT FAMILY SPINNER,
The most complete and desirable machine ever yet introduced for spinning
purposes.
SECOND:
BICKFORD'S CROCHET AND FANCY WORK MACHINES.
These beautiful little machines are very fascinating, as well as useful;
and every lady should have one, as they can make every conceivable kind
of crochet or fancy work upon them.
THIRD:
BICKFORD'S AUTOMATIC FAMILY KNITTER.
This is the most perfect and complete machine in the world. It knits
every thing.
FOURTH:
AMERICAN BUTTONHOLE, OVERSEAMING, AND SEWING-MACHINE.
This great combination machine is the last and greatest improvement on
all former machines. No. 1, with finely finished Oiled Walnut Table and
Cover, complete, price, $75. No. 2, same machine without the buttonhole
parts, etc., price, $60.
WE WILL SEND THE
Family Spinner, price, $8, for 4 subscribers and $16.
No.1 Crochet, " 8, " 4 " " 16.
" 2 " " 15, " 6 " " 24.
" 1 Automatic Knitter, 72 needles, 30, " 12 " " 48.
" 2 " " 84 needles, 33, " 13 " " 52.
No.3 Automatic Knitter, 100 needles, 37, for 15 subscribers and $60.
" 4 " " 2 cylinders, 33, " 13 " " 52.
1 72 needles 40. " 16 " " 64.
1 100 needles
No. 1 American Buttonhole and Overseaming Machine,
price, $75, for 30 subscribers and $120.
No. 2 American Buttonhole and Overseaming Machine,
without buttonhole parts, etc., price, $60, for 25 subscribers and $100.
Descriptive Circulars
Of all these machines will be sent upon application to this office, and
full instructions for working them will be sent to purchasers.
Parties getting up Clubs preferring cash to premiums, may deduct
seventy-five cents upon each full subscription sent for four subscribers
and upward, and after the first remittance for four subscribers may send
single names as they obtain them, deducting the commission.
Remittances should be made in Post-Office Orders, Bank Checks, or Drafts
on New-York City; or if these can not be obtained, then by Registered
Letters, which any post-master will furnish.
Charges on money sent by express must be prepaid, or the net amount only
will be credited.
Directions for shipping machines must be full and explicit, to prevent
error. In sending subscriptions give address, with Town, County, and
State.
The postage on this paper will be twenty cents per year, payable
quarterly in advance, at the place where it is received. Subscribers in
the British Provinces will remit twenty cants in addition to
subscription.
All communications, remittances, etc., to be addressed to
P.O. Box 2783.
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