The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch's Almanack for 1890, by Various
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Title: Punch's Almanack for 1890
Author: Various
Release Date: May 21, 2014 [EBook #45710]
Language: English
*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOR 1890 ***
Produced by Punch, or the London Charivari, Malcolm Farmer,
Lesley Halamek and the Online Distributed Proofreading
Team at http://www.pgdp.net
PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOR 1890
December 5, 1889
[Illustration: '1890']
+-----------------------------+ +-----------------------------+
| JANUARY xxxi Days. | | FEBRUARY xxviii Days. |
+---+----+--------------------+ +---+----+--------------------+
| 1| W | N. Year's D. | | 1| S | B. Gratz |
| 2| Th | Abydos t. | | 2| =S=| Septuag. S. |
| 3| F | Hunt b. | | 3| M | Bassevi d. |
| 4| S | Sambourne | | 4| Tu | S.r. 7h. 34m. |
| 5| =S=| 2 S. af. Chr. | | 5| W | Galvani d. |
| 6| M | Epiphany | | 6| Th | S.s. 4h. 56m. |
| 7| Tu | Bp. Ely d. | | 7| F | Dickens b. |
| 8| W | Cam. L. T. b. | | 8| S | Hf. qr. Day |
| 9| Th | S.r. 8h. 6m. | | 9| =S=| Sexag. S. |
| 10| F | S.s. 4h. 9m. | | 10| M | Q. V. marr. |
| 11| S | Hil. Sit. b. | | 11| Tu | D. 9h. 42m. |
| 12| =S=| 1. S. af. Epip. | | 12| W | Cellini d. |
| 13| M | B. Cannæ | | 13| Th | Revol. 1688 |
| 14| Tu | Oxf. L. T. b. | | 14| F | Valentine |
| 15| W | Orsini plot | | 15| S | B. Leiria |
| 16| Th | B. Corunna | | 16| =S=| Quinqu. S. |
| 17| F | Franklin b. | | 17| M | Braham d. |
| 18| S | Prisca. | | 18| Tu | Luther d. |
| 19| =S=| 2 S. a. Epip. | | 19| W | Ash Wed. |
| 20| M | Fabian | | 20| Th | J. Hume d. |
| 21| Tu | Agnes | | 21| F | Trinidad t. |
| 22| W | Vincent | | 22| S | Ferguson d. |
| 23| Th | Pitt d. 1806 | | 23| =S=| 1 S. in Lent |
| 24| F | Fox b. 1749 | | 24| M | Matthias |
| 25| S | Burns b. | | 25| Tu | Wren d. |
| 26| =S=| 3 S. af. Epip. | | 26| W | T. Moore d. |
| 27| M | J. Gibson d. | | 27| Th | Benevento |
| 28| Tu | Prescott d. | | 28| F | J. Tenniel |
| 29| W | Capit. Paris | | | | |
| 30| Th | Chas. I. bhd. | | | | |
| 31| F | B. Jonson b. | | | | |
+---+----+--------------------+ +---+----+--------------------+
+-----------------------------+ +-----------------------------+
| MARCH xxxi Days. | | APRIL xxx Days. |
+---+----+--------------------+ +---+----+--------------------+
| 1| S | St. David | | 1| Tu | All Fools |
| 2| =S=| 2 S. in Lent | | 2| W | S.r. 5h. 34m. |
| 3| M | B. Merton | | 3| Th | S.s. 6h. 37m. |
| 4| Tu | Somers b. | | 4| F | Good Frid. |
| 5| W | S.r. 6h. 39m. | | 5| S | Nap. I. abd. |
| 6| Th | Du Maurier | | 6| =S=| Easter Sun. |
| 7| F | S.s. 5h. 49m. | | 7| M | Bk. Holiday |
| 8| S | Will. III. d. | | 8| Tu | B. Savona |
| 9| =S=| 3 S. in Lent | | 9| W | Fire Ins. ex. |
| 10| M | Schiller b. | | 10| Th | East Sit. b. |
| 11| Tu | Inc. T. imp. | | 11| F | Canning d. |
| 12| W | Gregory | | 12| S | Young d. |
| 13| Th | Talfourd d. | | 13| =S=| Low Sun. |
| 14| F | Byng shot | | 14| M | Prs. Beatr. b. |
| 15| S | Massingr. d. | | 15| Tu | S. Maron. |
| 16| =S=| 4 S. in Lent | | 16| W | Thiers b. |
| 17| M | St. Patrick | | 17| Th | B. Culloden |
| 18| Tu | Suez cnl. op. | | 18| F | Cam. E. T. b. |
| 19| W | Lucknow t. | | 19| S | J. Jeffries d. |
| 20| Th | B. Alexand. | | 20| =S=| 2 S. af. Eas. |
| 21| F | Benedict | | 21| M | Bp. Heber b. |
| 22| S | Goethe d. | | 22| Tu | Odessa bom. |
| 23| =S=| 5 S. in Lent | | 23| W | St. George |
| 24| M | Q. Eliz. d. | | 24| Th | B. Landrec. |
| 25| Tu | Lady Day | | 25| F | Prs. Alice b. |
| 26| W | D. Camb. b. | | 26| S | D. Hume b. |
| 27| Th | Cam. L. T. e. | | 27| =S=| 3 S. af. Eas. |
| 28| F | Hil. Sit. e. | | 28| M | B. Tours |
| 29| S | B. Towton | | 29| Tu | S. Cath. S. |
| 30| =S=| Palm Sun. | | 30| W | Fitzroy d. |
| 31| M | Haydn b. | | | | |
+---+----+--------------------+ +---+----+--------------------+
+-----------------------------+ +-----------------------------+
| MAY xxxi Days. | | JUNE xxx Days. |
+---+----+--------------------+ +---+----+--------------------+
| 1| Th | May Day | | 1| =S=| Trin. Sun. |
| 2| F | S.r. 4h. 32m. | | 2| M | Harvey b. |
| 3| S | S.s. 7h. 27m. | | 3| Tu | S.r. 3h. 47m. |
| 4| =S=| 4 S. af. Eas. | | 4| W | S.s. 8h. 10m. |
| 5| M | Nap. I. d. | | 5| Th | Corp. Christ |
| 6| Tu | John Evan. | | 6| F | Calpee tkn. |
| 7| W | Nap. I. Csl. | | 7| S | Reform Bill |
| 8| Th | D. Jerrold d. | | 8| =S=| 1 Sn. af. Tr. |
| 9| F | Hf. qr. Day | | 9| M | Paxton d. |
| 10| S | Turgot b. | | 10| Tu | Heilsberg |
| 11| =S=| Rogation S. | | 11| W | Barnabas |
| 12| M | Albt. Mem. c. | | 12| Th | D. 16h. 30m. |
| 13| Tu | O. May Day | | 13| F | Hastgs. bhd. |
| 14| W | Gratton d. | | 14| S | B. Naseby |
| 15| Th | Holy Thurs. | | 15| =S=| 2 Sn. af. Tr. |
| 16| F | B. Albuera | | 16| M | Wat Tyl. sl. |
| 17| S | Talleyrd. d. | | 17| Tu | St. Alban |
| 18| =S=| S. af. Ascen. | | 18| W | Waterloo |
| 19| M | Dunstan | | 19| Th | B. Wavres |
| 20| Tu | Columbus d. | | 20| F | Q. Vic. Ac. |
| 21| W | Cawnpore | | 21| S | Longst. Dy. |
| 22| Th | Dasent b. | | 22| =S=| 3 Sn. af. Tr. |
| 23| F | B. Ramilies | | 23| M | B. Plassy |
| 24| S | Q. Vict. b. | | 24| Tu | Midsm. D. |
| 25| =S=| Whit Sun. | | 25| W | Cam. E. T. e. |
| 26| M | Bk. Holiday | | 26| Th | Geo. IV. d. |
| 27| Tu | Ven. Bede | | 27| F | Cairo tkn. |
| 28| W | W. Pitt b. | | 28| S | Q. Vic. Cr. |
| 29| Th | Chas. II. res. | | 29| =S=| 4 Sn. af. Tr. |
| 30| F | Pope d. | | 30| M | Roscoe d. |
| 31| S | Canton tkn. | | | | |
+---+----+--------------------+ +---+----+--------------------+
+-----------------------------+ +-----------------------------+
| JULY xxxi Days. | | AUGUST xxxi Days. |
+---+----+--------------------+ +---+----+--------------------+
| 1| Tu | B. Boyne | | 1| F | Lammas |
| 2| W | S.r. 3h. 49m. | | 2| S | Blenheim |
| 3| Th | B. Sadowa | | 3| =S=| 9 Sn. af. Tr. |
| 4| F | S. s. 8h. 18m. | | 4| M | Bk. Holiday |
| 5| S | B. Wagram | | 5| Tu | S.r. 4h. 26m. |
| 6| =S=| 5 Sn. af. Tr. | | 6| W | Dk. Edn. b. |
| 7| M | J. Huss bt. | | 7| Th | S.s. 7h. 34m. |
| 8| Tu | A. Smith d. | | 8| F | Otway b. |
| 9| W | Fire Ins. ex. | | 9| S | Dryden b. |
| 10| Th | Bp. Fell d. | | 10| =S=| 10 S. af. Tr. |
| 11| F | B. Ouden. | | 11| M | C. Keene |
| 12| S | B. Aghrim | | 12| Tu | Grouse s. b. |
| 13| =S=| 6 Sn. af. Tr. | | 13| W | Trin. Sit. e. |
| 14| M | Bastile des. | | 14| Th | Ld. Clyde d. |
| 15| Tu | St. Swithin | | 15| F | W. Scott b. |
| 16| W | Beranger d. | | 16| S | B. Vionville |
| 17| Th | Punch b. '41 | | 17| =S=| 11 S. af. Tr. |
| 18| F | Sherlock d. | | 18| M | B. Spurs |
| 19| S | Petrarch d. | | 19| Tu | Ozontero |
| 20| =S=| 7 Sn. af. Tr. | | 20| W | Saragossa |
| 21| M | R. Burns d. | | 21| Th | Blck. Ck. s. b. |
| 22| Tu | Salamanca | | 22| F | B. Bosworth |
| 23| W | Lyonet b. | | 23| S | Wallace bd. |
| 24| Th | Gibral. tkn. | | 24| =S=| 12 S. af. Tr. |
| 25| F | St. James | | 25| M | J. Watt d. |
| 26| S | K. Otho d. | | 26| Tu | P. Cons. b. |
| 27| =S=| 8 Sn. af. Tr. | | 27| W | Thomson d. |
| 28| M | Robesp. exc. | | 28| Th | B. Leipsic |
| 29| Tu | B. Beylau | | 29| F | Jno. Bp. bh. |
| 30| W | W. Penn d. | | 30| S | Paley b. |
| 31| Th | E. Pease d. | | 31| =S=| 13 S. af. Tr. |
+---+----+--------------------+ +---+----+--------------------+
+-----------------------------+ +-----------------------------+
| SEPTEMBER xxx Days. | | OCTOBER xxxi Days. |
+---+----+--------------------+ +---+----+--------------------+
| 1| M | Part. sh. c. | | 1| W | Cam. M. T. b. |
| 2| Tu | Capit. Sedan | | 2| Th | Arago d. |
| 3| W | S.r. 5h. 18m. | | 3| F | S.r. 6h. 7m. |
| 4| Th | S.s. 6h. 36m. | | 4| S | S.s. 5h. 28m. |
| 5| F | Comte d. | | 5| =S=| 18 S. af. Tr. |
| 6| S | Colbert d. | | 6| M | Faith |
| 7| =S=| 14 S. af. Tr. | | 7| Tu | Abp. Laud b. |
| 8| M | Nat. B. V. M. | | 8| W | B. Actium |
| 9| Tu | B. Flodden | | 9| Th | St. Denys |
| 10| W | B. Quesnoy | | 10| F | Ox. M. T. b. |
| 11| Th | S. of Delhi | | 11| S | Old Mic. D. |
| 12| F | O. P. Riots | | 12| =S=| 19 S. af. Tr. |
| 13| S | C. J. Fox d. | | 13| M | Edw. Conf. |
| 14| =S=| 15 S. af. Tr. | | 14| Tu | B. Senlac |
| 15| M | B. Rajghur | | 15| W | Fire Ins. ex. |
| 16| Tu | Jas. II. d. | | 16| Th | Soissons t. |
| 17| W | Lambert | | 17| F | Etheldreda |
| 18| Th | Geo. I. land. | | 18| S | St. Luke |
| 19| F | B. Poitiers | | 19| =S=| 20 S. af. Tr. |
| 20| S | B. Alma | | 20| M | B. Navarino |
| 21| =S=| 16 S. af. Tr. | | 21| Tu | Trafalgar |
| 22| M | Virgil d. | | 22| W | B. Edge Hill |
| 23| Tu | Autn. Q. b. | | 23| Th | Irish Reb. |
| 24| W | S. Butler d. | | 24| F | Mic. Sit. b. |
| 25| Th | Porson d. | | 25| S | St. Crispin |
| 26| F | St. Cyprian | | 26| =S=| 21 S. af. Tr. |
| 27| S | B. Cnidos | | 27| M | Cap. Cook b. |
| 28| =S=| 17 S. af. Tr. | | 28| Tu | J. Locke d. |
| 29| M | Mich. Day | | 29| W | J. Leech d. |
| 30| Tu | St. Jerome | | 30| Th | Tower brnt. |
| | | | | 31| F | All Hallows |
+---+----+--------------------+ +---+----+--------------------+
+-----------------------------+ +-----------------------------+
| NOVEMBER xxx Days. | | DECEMBER xxxi Days. |
+---+----+--------------------+ +---+----+--------------------+
| 1| S | All Saints | | 1| M | Prs. Wls. b. |
| 2| =S=| 22 S. af. Tr. | | 2| Tu | B. Austerl. |
| 3| M | P. Leigh b. | | 3| W | Bradbury b. |
| 4| Tu | Will. III. b. | | 4| Th | Richelieu d. |
| 5| W | S.r. 7h. 4m. | | 5| F | S.r. 7h. 52m. |
| 6| Th | S.s. 4h. 21m. | | 6| S | S.s. 8h. 49m. |
| 7| F | B. Mooltan | | 7| =S=| 2 S. in Adv. |
| 8| S | Milton d. | | 8| M | Baxter d. |
| 9| =S=| 23 S. af. Tr. | | 9| Tu | Vandyke d. |
| 10| M | M. Luther b. | | 10| W | Milton b. |
| 11| Tu | St. Martin | | 11| Th | Jno. Gay d. |
| 12| W | Hf. qr. Day | | 12| F | Cibber d. |
| 13| Th | Britius | | 13| S | St. Lucy |
| 14| F | Leibnitz d. | | 14| =S=| 3 S. in Adv. |
| 15| S | Machutus | | 15| M | J. Walton d. |
| 16| =S=| 24 S. af. Tr. | | 16| Tu | V. Weber b. |
| 17| M | Hugh Bp. L. | | 17| W | Oxf. M. T. e. |
| 18| Tu | Wilkie b. | | 18| Th | D. 7h. 4m. |
| 19| W | B. Arcola | | 19| F | Cam. M. T. e. |
| 20| Th | Ld. Elgin d. | | 20| S | B. Viciosa |
| 21| F | J. Hogg d. | | 21| =S=| 4 S. in Adv. |
| 22| S | St. Cecilia | | 22| M | Win. Q. b. |
| 23| =S=| 25 S. af. Tr. | | 23| Tu | Jas. II. abd. |
| 24| M | J. Knox d. | | 24| W | Christ. Eve |
| 25| Tu | Chantrey d. | | 25| Th | Christ. Day |
| 26| W | G. Grisi d. | | 26| F | Bk. Holiday |
| 27| Th | Ds. Teck b. | | 27| S | St. John |
| 28| F | Bunsen d. | | 28| =S=| Sun. af. Chr. |
| 29| S | Burnand b. | | 29| M | Stafford ex. |
| 30| =S=| Adv. Sun. | | 30| Tu | Pegu anxd. |
| | | | | 31| W | Silvester |
+---+----+--------------------+ +---+----+--------------------+
LINLEY. SAMBOURNE. INVENT^{r}. ET. DEL^{r}. NOVEMBER 1889
* * * * *
[Illustration: FIFTY YEARS AGO.
TO PARIS IN THIRTY-SIX HOURS. FIRST, SECOND, AND THIRD CLASS GRANDE
VITESSE.]
[Illustration: FIFTY YEARS HENCE.
FROM LONDON TO PARIS IN--JUST TIME ENOUGH TO ALLOW OF A COMFORTABLE
LUNCH AND A QUIET CIGAR ON BOARD THE ELECTRIC PLATE-GLASS CLUB
EXPRESS.]
* * * * *
MR. PUNCH'S TOUR ROUND THE WORLD.
"MR. PUNCH," said poor old Eighty-Nine, who was growing feebler and
feebler, "I am uneasy in my mind."
"Didn't know you had one," replied the Sage. "But what do you want
with me?"
"You have been a great comfort to me--a very great comfort. I wish you
would do something for my successor."
"What, Young Ninety? Well, I will keep a friendly eye upon him also."
"Yes, do. But I want you to begin at once. Help him through his life,
as you have helped me."
"Why, certainly," said _Mr. Punch_, smiling. "All he will have to do
will be, to put in an appearance with threepence at 85, Fleet Street,
every Wednesday."
"But can't you give him a start off? Why not look round the world,
and give him the result of your journey in the Almanack? Let him
be remembered in the future as commencing with the Christmas of the
'Extra Extra,' as I shall be recalled in the coming ages as the year
in which the _Punch_ Staff went to Paris."
"How is it to be done?" asked the Sage.
"How is it to be done?" echoed poor old Eighty-Nine. "Why you have
only to wish, and it _is_ done! You know that _your_ wishes are those
which must be obeyed."
So, to oblige the fast-fading year, _Mr. Punch_ wished himself in
France. There he was in a moment! He had landed at Dieppe without
undergoing the tortures of the steam-boat passage.
On the beach was seated a melancholy-looking tourist, who commenced,
as _Mr. Punch_ approached him, a weird nautical song, to the
accompaniment of a concertina. It ran as follows:--
THE LAY OF THE CHANNEL-PASSAGE SALT.
Ho! Yeho, Boys! Yeho! I'm no craven,
When you set me in face of the sea;
Be it Folkestone--or even Newhaven,
That I hail from, it's all one to me;
For I take up my post by the funnel,
And I reck not which way the winds blow;
And I scorn thoughts of bridge or of tunnel
As I start, singing Ho, boys! yeho!
But who drops a hint about going below?
Why, he'll see I've the knack, boys,
Just like every true Jack, boys,
Of paying my fare with a "Ho, boys! Yeho!"
We have scarcely left port, yet, already,
All my nautical visions grow blurred;
If I move,--well, I feel so unsteady,
That I half wish that I had not stirred.
Weakly smiling, I turn to the steward,
And inquire if he thinks it will blow;
He just gazes to windward and leeward,
And replies, "You'd best get down below."
But no! I'm not thinking of going down below,
Though I'm not easy here,
And I own I feel queer,
I'm equal, as yet, to a modest Yeho!
Well, 'tis over! At truth no use blinking!
Face that passage again? Oh! I daren't!
Through the first half I feared we were sinking,--
Through the second I feared that we weren't!
Though gin, chloral, stout, brandy, and "bitter,"
I tried all in turns, but to find them no go,
Still, in voice for a hospital fitter,
I gave them a plaintive, "Yeho! boys! Yeho!"
For the steward had carried me gently below!
That's the best place, you'll find,
Should you make up your mind,
To shout in Mid-Channel, "Ho! Yeho, boys! Yeho!"
"Bravo!" cried _Mr. Punch_, as the singer finished--"I quite agree
with you. But now let me see what else is to be seen on the sands."
It was a gay scene--all the gayer for the delightful weather. _Mr.
Punch_, knowing that his wishes must immediately be gratified, had
taken care to desire _beau temps en permanence_.
"This is really very charming," murmured the Sage; "and I am not
surprised that one of the brightest of my Artists chose it for his
holiday resting-place last Summer--and, as I live, there he is!
Halloa! Hi! Have you forgotten your old friend?"
"Forgotten you, my dear _Mr. Punch!_" said a gentleman of extreme
elegance, approaching the Sage. "How could you think of such a thing?
Why, you have had proofs of my goodwill every week for the last
quarter of a century."
"So I have," returned _Mr. Punch_, heartily, "and have you anything
from your portfolio you can show me?"
"What do you think of this?" And he showed him two Gauls, _en costume
de bain_.
"What are these?" asked the Sage.
"I will tell you," replied the melancholy-looking tourist, approaching
with his concertina. Then, in a soft voice, he sang the following
lines, which he called
SWEETNESS AND LIGHT
Amid the throng that crowds the shore
I casually met them,
And, though I never see them more,
I never shall forget them!
Dear Sons of Gaul! The one so sleek
And plump, with sea-foam dripping:
The other! Ah! so limp and weak,
Scarce equal to a dipping.
But, as they stand together there,
Half conscious none can match them,
A sight for the admiring fair!--
I seek a phrase to catch them.
And, as one lights his cigarette,
Ho! _presto!_ In completeness
I feel at last that I have met
With living "Light and Sweetness"!
"Just so," observed _Mr. Punch_. "But I must be off."
"Going to Paris by the train _de luxe!_ Ah, how different it used
to be when our fathers were boys together. Do you remember the
old-fashioned diligence? Some day we may travel by train across the
sea."
"Well, I have a still easier mode of travelling. I can beat diligence
and locomotive with a wish. I want to be in Paris!" In a moment, the
Sage found himself seated under the Tour Eiffel amidst the ruins of
the Exhibition. The confusion was indescribable.
"Dear me, I think I've had about enough of this!" said _Mr. Punch_. "I
fancy I should like to be in Switzerland."
_Hey presto!_ and the Sage was in the home of the picturesque--in the
land of _table d'hôtes_ of the first order, and of hotel prices of
nearly the same altitude as the mountains.
"This is very perfect," observed the Sage to his faithful attendant.
TOBY growled. "There is nothing needed to complete my happiness."
"Except me--'scuse me--except me."
"You! And who may you be?"
"Not know _me, Mr. Punch?_ Why, that is a good one!"
Then the First Gentleman in the World, who has appropriately been
called the "pink," not to say the rose (of courtesy), recognised a
well-known contributor to his pages. He gave this admirable type of
a race that has its exponents in every country under the sun some
excellent advice, and suggested that they might part company with
mutual advantage.
"My good friend," said _Mr. Punch_, "I am quite aware that you are in
the habit of corresponding with an intimate known as 'CHARLIE.'
Oblige me with a duplicate of your next letter, and it shall be
immortalised." It will be seen that _Mr. Punch_ has kept his word.
* * * * *
[Illustration: SWEETNESS AND LIGHT.]
* * * * *
[Illustration:]
'ARRY IN SWITZERLAND.
Dear CHARLIE,--You heard as I'd left good old England agen, I'll be
bound.
Not for Parry alone, mate, this time--I've bin doing the Reglar Swiss
Round.
Mong Blong, Mare de Glass, and all that, CHARLIE--guess it's a sight
you'd enjoy
To see 'ARRY, the Hislington Masher, togged out as a Merry Swiss Boy.
'Tis a bit of a stretch from the "Hangel," a jolly long journey by
rail,
But I made myself haffable like; I'd got hup on the toppingest scale;
Shammy-hunter at Ashley's not in it with me, I can tell yer, old
chap;
And the way as the passengers stared at me showed I wos fair on the
rap.
Talk of hups and downs, CHARLIE! North Devon I found pooty steep, as
you know,
But wot's Lynton roads to the Halps, or the Torrs to that blessed
Young Frow?
I got 'andy with halpenstocks, CHARLIE, and never came _much_ of a
spill;
But I think, arter all, that, for comfort, I rayther prefer Primrose
'Ill.
But that's _entry nous_, dont cher know; keep my pecker hup proper
out 'ere.
'ARRY never let on to them Swiss as he felt on the swivel,--no fear!
When I slipped down a bloomin' _crevassy_, I _did_ do a bit of a 'owl,
On them glasheers, to keep your foot fair, you want claws, like a cat
on the prowl.
Got arf smothered in snow, and no kid, CHARLIE--Guide swore 'twas all
my hown fault,
Cos I would dance, and sing _too-ral-li-ety_, arter he'd hordered a
halt.
Awful gonophs, them Guides, and no herror; they don't know their
place, not a mite,
And I'm dashed if this cad didn't laugh (with the rest), 'cos I
looked sich a sight.
Father Chrismas not in it with me, CHARLIE--sort of big snowball on
legs;
And _cold_, CHARLIE? Flasks was no use, could ha' gurgled neat Irish
in kegs.
Still, I wosn't much 'urt, mate, thanks be--only needled a bit in my
pride,
And I soon got upsides with the party, and fair took it hout of that
Guide.
He'd a mash at Chermooney--neat parcel enough, though in course not
_my_ style;
Couldn't patter her lingo--wus luck!--but I _could_ do the lardy, and
smile;
And that Merry Swiss Boy got so jealous, along o' some capers o' mine,
That I'm sure, if he'd twigged arf a chance, he'd a chucked me slap
into the Rhine.
Then I tried Shammy-hunting, old pal, but I didn't make much of a bag,
Stalking curly-'orned goats in a country all precipice, hice-hill,
and crag,
Might suit Mister MANFRED, it may be--he didn't seem nuts on his life;
But give _me_ rabbit-potting in Devon, where rocks is not edged like
a knife.
'Ad a try arter Idlewise, too--sort o' fluffy-leaved, snow-coloured
flower--
'All the mugs seem to set heaps o' store by--I sent a bit on to BELL
BOWER.
Though _she_ would prefer a camelia. BELL calls all them forren gals
"cats";
Wonder what she'd ha' said to see _me_ spooning round 'midst short
skirts and longplaits!
They'd a bit of a Buy-a-broom flaviour, and seemed a mite wooden to
kiss;
But a gal's a gal all the world hover. In Switzerland, 'ARRY, is
Swiss.
Yus, the country of Shallys and Shammys is jest a bit trying, no
doubt;
But there's larks to be 'ad near Mong Blong, if a party knows what
he's about.
'Ad enough on it arter a fort-nit, though. Scenery's all mighty fine,
But too much of yer Halpine Club bizness is boko, and not in _my_
line.
I remember them Caffys, dear boy, _Roo der Caire_ and the Tower, so,
thinks I,
Slippin' 'ome I'll take France on the way, and go in for a bit of a
fly.
I done Parry a treat, mate, this time. 'Ad a ride in the Bor der
Boolong;
You may see, by the sketch I've inclosed, as I came out perticular
strong.
It is honly hus English _can_ ride. Frogs ain't in it _ah shovel_,
yer know.
They in fack always fails in _Ler Sport_, though they gives BULL a
lead at _Ler Bo!_
_L'Horloge_ ain't arf bad. Snakes! _sich_ voices! The cackle and gag,
too, fust-rate;
My Parisian pal 'elped me out, but my larf was sometimes a bit late,
And so flummoxed the Frenchies a few; one old chap in blue blouse and
cropped hair
Must ha' thought me a walking conundrum, to judge by his thunderstruck
stare.
I was togged in stror 'at and striped flannels; I'd 'ad the straight
tip from a chum;
I cried, "Beast!"--that's the French for Hangore, quite O. K., though
I own it sounds rum,
I gave mouth to the _Pa-ta-ta_ chorus, I slapped the Garsong on the
back;
And, sez I, "_Say ler_ jolliest lark, _que jay voo poor kelk tom_,
that's a fack!"
[Illustration: 'ARRY ON HORSEBACK.]
Don't fancy he twigged, not percisely. But, lor', them French waiters
_is_ snide,
With their black Heton jackets, white aprons, and trim "mutton
chopper" each side,
At the Caffys, dear boy, 'arter twelve, it's a wonder to see 'em
waltz round
With a tray-full of syrups and strors, with no spillings, and 'ardly
a sound.
Bit confusing at fust, the French lingo; their posters an' cetrer
looks rum,
And you've got to be fly to their meaning afore you can make the
thing hum.
I kep' on button-holing old buffers to find out my way about town,
And sailed briskly along fur as "_Esker--?_" when, 'ang it!--I mostly
broke down.
_Esker voo_, with a gurgle to follow, don't fetch 'em, these
Frenchies, not much;
"_Conny par_" comes a great deal too often, and then a cove feels out
of touch.
If you want to make love, find yer way, or keep check on the nuggets
you spend,
You must put in the patter O. K., mate, or somehow you come out wrong
end.
'Ad a turn at the old _Expersition_, bid one larst good-bye to the
Tower,
And chi-iked _lar Rerpooblick_ a bit for her luck in jest keepin'
in power.
The Bullanger boom was a fizzle. They say he's mopped out; _I_
dunnow;
But it wouldn't surprise _me_, my pippin, to see him yet Bossing the
Show.
I had met _Mister Punch_ at Chermooney--he also was out on the scoop,
On a Trip Round the World, so he told me. Sez I, "I'll pal on to your
troop."
But he gave me a look from his lamps, and somehow I choked off like
a shot,
"Take your own line," sea he, "and _my_ tip; do not swagger, drink
deep, or talk rot!"
Should 'ave like to ha' joined him, in course, but he's _sech_ a 'ot
'and at a 'int,
Still he said if I'd send him a letter to you, mate, he'd put it in
print.
So look hout for the Halmanack, CHARLIE! You saw my last letter from
Parry?
Well this with some picters, I 'ope will bring similar _kudos_ to
'ARRY.
* * *
Having disposed of 'ARRY, _Mr. Punch_ wished himself in the Celestial
Empire. And in China the Sage found himself. Pagodas and pigtails met
him on every side.
"Really, not half bad," murmured the Sage, and then, turning to TOBY,
he was surprised to find his attached attendant trembling from the
tail backwards. "Ah, I see: a Celestial _restaurant!_ No, no, my boy,
don't be alarmed. They shan't eat _you_. If I want any food, it shall
be some light refreshment--say a Feast of Lanterns."
"I'm pleased to see you looking so well, Sir," said a portly person,
with a remarkably florid complexion, and wearing a suit of well-worn
evening clothes, emerging from the _restaurant_. "I've been waiting
for you, Sir, a long time."
"That you have, ROBERT--in the City and elsewhere. But what are _you_
doing in China?"
"It's a long story, _Mr. Punch_; but if you don't mind eating this
bird's-nest soup, which isn't bad, though not a patch upon our dear
tuttle, I will tell you how I came to leave our glorious Corporation,
and got into these outlandish parts."
_Mr. Punch_ bowed, and discarding a pair of chopsticks for a spoon,
toyed with the succulent preparation while he listened to
"ROBERT'S STORY ABOUT CHINA." [Illustration: Finger pointing right.
(see page 10.)]
* * * * *
MR. PUNCH'S PANORAMA OF THE YEAR 1889.
[Illustration]
PROLOGUE.
_Mr. Punch to Toby._
_I_ am the only Painter without bias,
And Monster Panoramas, my TOBIAS,
Now being quite the order of the day,
I've limned the largest, which I here display;
And, issued in mine Almanack, 'tis clear
'Twill be the Biggest Order of the Year!
'Tis painted in the Highest Art Style--Mine!
Here you perceive the pith of 'Eighty-Nine,
A Year of Grace--and also of disgraces.
Look, TOBY, on this sea of well-known faces!
Mark the familiar eyes, the salient noses!
(The sign of GLADSTONE or the mark of MOSES.)
Kings, Lords and Ladies, Statesmen, Whigs and Tories.
No painter of great sprawling Allegories
Ever yet packed into so small a compass
So many who've won fame--or raised a rumpus.
A _précis_ of a twelvemonth's work and babble is
This summary of the great _Annus Mirabilis_.
Perpend, TOBIAS. Hand me up the pointer.
Listen, O World! and, Time, thou great disjointer
Of hearts and epochs, stand awhile at gaze,
Whilst I explore, explain the Mighty Maze,
Which, being made by _Punch_, the Friend of Man,
You may depend is "not without a plan."
Now for the rostrum! Follow my pointer, TOBY, with thy recording
pencil. Listen, O World, with ears attent, and eyes "sequacious of
the--Truth-teller!" I speak _urbi et orbi!_
First, the newly-elected County Council, Ladies and Gentlemen!
RITCHIE'S colossal Civic Symposium! "RITCHIE'S Folly," some hasty
assayers of innovations may have been tempted to term it. But _Punch_
is never hasty.
_Macbeth_ at the Lyceum and GLADSTONE in Naples! Later on, "Macbeth"
IRVING visits the QUEEN--an honoured guest! The return of the dove--if
the Brummagem Bruiser may be likened to the Bird of Peace. All, at any
rate, welcome his wife, a true messenger of peace, let us hope, from
across the Atlantic flood.
From West to NORTH--the "Nitrate King." Let us trust he'll prove a
"True North" to the multitudes who trust _him_. Next the Teuton Titan
on the (Colonial) War-Path! Formidable competitor; but even Titans
trip at times, eh, Orion? From BISMARCK asking for Samoa to CHAPLIN
"chucking" Protection _is_ a transit. Big 'uns both--of a sort? But
BOULANGER, the pseudo-great General Boum, coming a cropper? _Guarda, e
passa!_
The ingenious Japs at a new work of Art--scarcely native this time.
We'll hope their "New Constitution" may shape as well as their
cabinets, and wear better than their locks and keys. Pantomime
child-peris turned out--_pro tem._, thanks be--of their Stage
Paradise. "See me reverse!"
Two openings,--Parliament and the Parnell Commission. And
then--sinister sequel to the latter!--the flight of the pitiful
PIGOTT. A far pleasanter picture is the return of generous D'AUMALE to
Chantilly. Scarcely less agreeable, to lovers of peace and of France,
is the flight of the blatant firebrand BOULANGER. Welcome the coming,
speed the parting guest!
Big brave boys these American Base-Ball players. Game _may_ be
acclimatised here, but _they_ evidently thought our "climate" against
them, and with reason. Loss of the _Sultan_,--_not_ the PADISHAH
himself, worse luck! He would be _no_ loss. Cambridge winning "the
classic race"! Bravo, Light Blue! Who mutters demur! Ah! you are a
brunette, though a "fair" one, my dear, so _Punch_ pardons you. The
sight of your Gracious QUEEN enjoying her Royal self in Portugal,
will, perhaps, put you in a better temper, Miss.
Two bad endings! Abolition of the Board of Works, and abdication
of King MILAN of Servia. Both can be well spared. But BRIGHT, brave
belligerent JOHN, true, tenacious, trenchant,--no, we could ill spare
_him_. What, _Punch_ wonders, would the fighting Apostle of Peace
have said of the "Naval Defence Bill" hard by? Well, we know what
the Country said of it. And the escape of that Kane-Captained
Rennie-engined _Calliope_,--England has not forgotten that yet, if the
Admiralty has.
Opening of the Great--the Colossal, the Titanic, the World-witching,
Republic-saving French Exhibition! As "Big" a thing as--as the Tour
Eiffel itself! Can even _Mr. Punch_ say more? It must have a paragraph
all to itself. Well done, LUTETIA! Well may you _pro tem._ at least,
kick out politics.
SANDY "takes the floor," and his "Scotch Local Government Bill!" Hope
he'll like it. He generally does like big things, be they Bills or
Cabers! Better anyhow than PADDY relishes "BALFOUR'S Battering-Ram,"
which comes next. And then, Gentlemen, the match at Brummagem between
those two political pugilists, CHURCHILL and CHAMBERLAIN! Fight
unfinished, result as yet uncertain. National Portrait Gallery to
be fitly housed at last. Then the picture takes us "across the
herring-pond" to the great Washington Centenary. Four Millions more
money for Ships, the opening of the Opera Season, the raising of the
Rates; all matters of interest, painful or otherwise, to most of you,
Gentlemen.
Abandonment of the Sugar Bill! Not one of the much-talked-of "sweets
of office" this, eh? Ask BARON DE WORMS! Raid on the Betting Clubs!
But the great Demon of Gambling, like the objects of the great Curse
in Ingoldsby, "never" seems "one penny the worse." Opening of the
Spanish Exhibition. Equipment of our Volunteers. Bravo, Lord Mayor
WHITEHEAD!
The Johnstown Floods, Gentlemen; too terrible to talk lightly of.
Here is symbolised the discreditable Parachute Mania, which was a
disagreeable feature of the dead year. May it die therewith! I hear a
stir, a silken amongst my fair auditors. Yes, Ladies, the Marriage of
the lucky Duke of PORTLAND, lucky, as I said at the time, with both
Bridal and Bridle. Another Dropped Bill, Gentlemen; this time the Land
Transfer Bill, "knocked out" in the Lords by the "Sluggers" of Legal
Privilege. Westward Ho! goes the ubiquitous, inexhaustible G. O. M. on
party thoughts intent; whilst near him is shadowed forth the rise
of that Irreconcileable, Socialistic new "Fourth Party," the avowed
purposes of which probably sometimes "give him pause."
Great Show of the "Humorists in Art." Hope you all went to see it. If
you didn't, 'twas your loss. Then--strange juxtaposition!--the Great
Turf Libel Case! _Can_ one "libel" the Turf? _Mr. Punch_ wonders.
Anyhow, "Donovan"--that Lucky Duke again!--wins the Derby. "Donovan"
was evidently "on the job," not "out for an airing," eh? Visit of the
SHAH of Persia. You will not want me to say anything more about that
threshed-out subject. The Labour Congress in Switzerland was less
talked of, but probably quite as important, whilst the appointment
of Her Most Gracious MAJESTY as President of the Royal Agricultural
Society is of even greater home-interest.
Next comes the Great Event of the Year! _Mr. Punch's_ Visit to the
Paris Exhibition, already celebrated by him in proper time and shape!
You all of you have its record, of course. If not--get it!!! That
Balloon bore a happy party, and needed no parachute.
The Delagoa Bay Railway business, _Mr. Punch's_ pictorial comment on
which so infuriated mischievous Master PORTUGAL! The Whitechapel Woe!
Not a matter for words, Gentlemen, but deeds.
Hooray! Another Royal Marriage! The Wedding March, with a FIFE
accompaniment! And--quite "in a concatenation accordingly," though at
t'other side of Panorama--the Golden Wedding of the G. O. M. Prospect
and retrospect, both pleasant. Was it the tender association of
sympathy which made the G. O. M. so eloquent in favour of the Royal
Grants? Who knows? Anyhow, his more rampant "followers"--LABBY among
them--would have liked, for the moment, to "muzzle" the "old man
eloquent"--as MONRO did the London dogs. The Naval Review, and the
German Emperor's brief visit, "synchronised," as the saps say;
and _then_, as another "Big Thing," they made CHAPLIN Minister of
Agriculture! "Capping the Climax," that! Hard-by another Great--or
Big--Man, hews away at the Tithes Bill. Go it, HARCOURT!
Following the example of another _really_ Great Man, Mr. GLADSTONE
goes to Paris, sees the Exhibition, mounts the Eiffel Tower, perorates
pleasantly about the Two Republics, France and America. Or should we
say, America and France? _Arcades ambo?_ And the G. O. M. orating on
them was _very_ Arcadian indeed.
The miserable Maybrick Case calls for no comment here. The Great
Strike does. Memorable event, Ladies and Gentlemen, which--as Truthful
THOMAS would say--"will have results." Ecclesiastical dress for ladies
_may_ interest the more "dressy" portion of my audience--or may not.
The French Elections. _Mr. Punch_ congratulates _Madame La République_
whom primarily the Exhibitors, and secondarily the Urns, saved from
chaos and General Boum-BOULANGER! BALFOUR'S little _faux pas_,
in connection with an Irish University. _That_ fish won't
bite! "OUTIDANOS" on the Triple Alliance! Outis--the Ulysses of
Liberalism--defying the huge Polyphemus of Continental Despotism. So
perhaps he, the Homer-lover, would picture it. Polyphemus may have a
different opinion, perchance.
Railways in China! Ah! _Mr. Punch_ thinks he has heard of _that_
before. He hopes it may be true this time; though, to the Mandarin,
the Locomotive is a Bogey, and the Line sacrilege. Arab advance on
Suakin! Neither is _that_ a novel item of news! Gallantly repelled
this time, though, and partly, at least, by native valour. A good
omen!
Trials at Maryborough, consequent on the lamentable Gweedore
evictions, and yet more lamentable crime attending them. When will
_this_ sort of thing be wiped out of the panorama of the year?
Raid of the egregious MCDOUGALL, compound, apparently, of _Bottom_ and
_Paul Pry_. Well, all's well that ends well, eh, "Mister" ROSEBERY?
Glad, anyhow, _you_ are to boss the London County Council yet a little
longer. You may be counted on to minimise the MCDOUGALL element.
Greek Royal Wedding. Rare year this for what may be called Splendid
Splices! Royal Princes, Princesses, and lucky Dukes well to the fore!
As a set-off--alas!--_Mr. Punch's_ Panorama has reluctantly, and
delicately, to record many lamented deceases of great, or worthy, or
well-beloved ones. Poor Crown Prince RUDOLPH, stout and eloquent JOHN
BRIGHT, quaint and clever PELLEGRINI, the _Vanity Fair_ Caricaturist,
Lady HOLLAND, of politico-social fame, WILKIE COLLINS, the master of
ingeniously Sensational Romance; and last, but, to _Mr. Punch_ and
his young men certainly not least, PERCIVAL LEIGH, of _Comic Latin
Grammar_, and _Mr. Pips's Diary_ fame--to the world, and, to his
private friends, "dear old Professor," of pleasant and unfading
memory.
Royal Globe-trotters again? The German Emperor visits Constantinople,
and hob-nobs with the SULTAN; the Prince of WALES is off to Egypt,
where, perhaps, he hob-nobs with Father Nile. Thence returning,
_Punch_ hopes, happy, and with renewed stores of sturdy health!
Yet later in the year come two Big Shows, the Lord Mayor's to wit,
with pretty reproductions of old English dresses and disportings, and
that of the evergreen P. T. BARNUM, with--well--with everything in the
marvel line, if _Mr. Punch_ may trust PHINEAS'S posters.
The Public, anyhow, may trust _Mr. Punch's!_ By such a Panoramic
Poster even the Great Showman will admit himself outdone.
That is all, Ladies and Gentlemen, for the present. _Mr. Punch_, in
conclusion, wishes you all a Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year!
* * * * *
[Illustration]
On 22nd of February Session opened; date unusually late, but then
remember our Autumn Session of previous year brought us up to
Christmas Eve. CHARLES LAMB, arriving at office late in the morning,
pleaded that he made up for it by going away early. House, going
away late, returns little later. Very modest Ministerial Programme to
commence with. How it has been carried out has been told from day
to day with graphic minuteness and uncompromising fidelity by _Mr.
Punch's_ humble, but respected companion. "The Diary of TOBY, M.P.,"
follows the British flag. It is read everywhere--by the pathless
ice-floes of Canada, through the length of North and South America,
in the cities of Australia, by the watch-fires of the Squatters, on
Greenland's icy mountains, and eke on India's coral strand; where
_Punch_ appears weekly on the bookstalls, price threepence. It will,
therefore, not be necessary to go much into detail, a brief summary
sufficing.
At the outset GEORGIE HAMILTON promises Bill to strengthen Navy;
LORD ADVOCATE mentions Scotch Universities Bill, with Scotch
Local Government Bill to follow. PARNELL puts in early appearance,
challenging BALFOUR, amid wild cheers from Irish Members, to explain
why CAREW, M.P., at present in prison, had been deprived not only of
his flannel shirt, but of his hair and moustache?
Debate on Address turns largely on Irish affairs. Suddenly, in full
tide of attack, comes news of flight of PIGOTT. For awhile PIGOTT'S
presence fills the place; his name thrown at BALFOUR whenever he
rises; cries of "PIGOTT!" punctuate Ministerial replies. Nevertheless,
JOHN MORLEY'S Amendment to Address negatived by 339 votes against 260;
Address being finally carried without a division.
GEORGIE HAMILTON got on early with his scheme for strengthening the
Navy. Twenty-one-and-a-half millions asked for, adding seventy ships
to British Navy. Not all to be built at once; whole scheme to be
accomplished by April, 1894. Bill, debated three several nights,
finally passed. In accordance with pledge given last Session, Supply
put in fore-front of business. House sat night after night, sometimes
voting money, always talking. All kinds of questions came up in
Supply; treatment of Irish prisoners; Ministers' alleged connivance
with _Times_; above all, PIGOTT, by this time, huddled up in suicide's
grave at Madrid. Special attack made on ATTORNEY-GENERAL for his
professional connection with the _Times_ case. HARCOURT led attack,
CHARLES RUSSELL taking notable part in it. But his friends stuck to
him through thick and thin, and Vote of Censure defeated by large
majority.
On 28th of March, came news of death of JOHN BRIGHT; fell like oil on
troubled waters. OLD MORALITY bore testimony to his worth. GLADSTONE
pronounced a splendid eulogy; HARTINGTON added a postscript; JUSTIN
M'CARTHY spoke for Ireland; and CHAMBERLAIN, rising to height of
occasion, informed the House, that Birmingham had never allowed the
Statesman they mourned to pay any of the subscriptions ordinarily
exacted from a Borough Member. Thereafter the House went on with its
ordinary business.
On 16th of April, GOSCHEN introduced Budget in smallest House gathered
in similar circumstances for many years. Both ends made to meet by
increase of Death Duties, and a little tinkering of the Malt Duty.
About this time, the "NOBLE BARON," began to loom on horizon with
his Sugar Bounties Convention. Much time wasted through remainder of
Session over this matter. Government stood gallantly by "NOBLE
BARON;" in the end, amid the jeers of Opposition, Sugar Bounties Bill
withdrawn to avoid Ministerial defeat.
On 14th of May, OLD MORALITY brought in Bill to establish Board of
Agriculture for Great Britain, a measure which, happily passing, has
dowered the country with CHAPLIN as Minister of Agriculture.
Early in July, came on proposal to make provision for eldest Son of
PRINCE OF WALES. Manifestations of opposition induced Government
to present the matter in modified form of Motion for appointment
of Select Committee to consider the whole question of provision for
Members of Royal Family. This agreed to, after debate, in which SAGE
of QUEEN ANNE'S GATE came to the front, keeping his place throughout
subsequent proceedings. Great efforts made to buy off opposition of
this incorruptible person; hesitated for brief moment, when position
of Treasurer of Her Majesty's Household dangled before his eyes.
Principal public duty of Treasurer, is to bring in gracious replies
from the Throne to Addresses from faithful Commons. In his mind's
eye, SAGE saw himself in Windsor uniform, with gold stripe adown
trouser-leg, leaning lightly on white wand of office, as he stood
at the Bar of the House awaiting the SPEAKER'S signal to bring up
gracious reply. For a moment he faltered, but only for a moment. "No,"
he said, "England expects every man to do his duty, and LABBY will not
disappoint expectation;" and he went straight off and put down
five fresh Amendments. This, now published for the first time, is
authentic.
These debates on the Royal Grants were, perhaps, the most animated
of Session. Vote for Royal Family of course granted, but in face of
significant minority of 116. GLADSTONE supported Government, marching
into Lobby against large majority of his own following, who turned
aside with the Incorruptible SAGE. Oddest thing of all was to behold
Irish Members voting with the Court Party--JOSEPH GILLIS going out
shoulder to shoulder with ARTHUR BALFOUR, and TAY PAY hobnobbing with
OLD MORALITY.
After this the Session languished. OLD MORALITY expedited business
by announcing that no fresh measures of importance would be taken.
Members began to clear out, and early close of Session seemed
imminent. But, towards end of July, when everybody thought business
would be wound up, the Tithes Bill brought in, and stubbornly pressed.
A difficult position for the Government. Bill hotly opposed by
Liberals, and not loved by Conservatives. GRAY, Conservative Member
for Maldon, moved crucial Amendment, which was negatived only by
critical majority of four in a House of 286 Members. Nevertheless
Government still stuck to framework of Bill. ATTORNEY-GENERAL tabled
batch of Amendments which transmogrified the Measure. On 16th of
August House faced by practically new Bill. This made matters no
better. Liberals mollified, Conservatives angry. Next day, amid storm
of jeering, borne with characteristic calmness by OLD MORALITY, he
withdrew the Measure.
After this it was all over, even the shouting, and on the very last
day of August the Session of 1889 came to a close. Its final hours,
otherwise peaceful, were fluttered by promise of a Measure endowing
an Irish University, whereat there was much spluttering in political
circles.
* * * * *
HYPNOTISM--A MODERN PARISIAN ROMANCE. (In Four Chapters.)
[Illustration: _American Billionairess._ "M. LE DOCTEUR, I SEE THE
DUC DE SEPT-CADRANS IS A PATIENT OF YOURS. I WANT HIM TO PROPOSE TO MY
DAUGHTER. A--ANY FEE THAT--A----"
_Professor of Hypnotism._ "MADAM, I VILL YPNOTISE M. LE DUC. VE SHALL
SEE!----"]
[Illustration: "SORRY TO TROUBLE YOU AGAIN SO SOON, MONSIEUR? BUT
MY DAUGHTER DECLARES SHE WON'T ACCEPT M. LE DUC, JUST BECAUSE HE'S A
HUNCHBACK, AN IDIOT, AND A PAUPER!"
"MADAM, LEAVE IT TO ME. I VILL YPNOTISE ALSO YOUR DAUGHTER!"]
[Illustration: THE AMERICAN BILLIONAIRESS BECOMES MADAME LA DUCHESSE
DE SEPT-CADRANS. SHE AND HER HUSBAND ARE HAPPY, ALTHOUGH SHE HAS NO
MONEY, AND THERE IS NO SUCH DUKEDOM AS SEPT-CADRANS, FOR THEY HAVE NOT
YET LOST THEIR ILLUSIONS ABOUT EACH OTHER.]
[Illustration: AND HER LOVELY DAUGHTER IS NOW THE PROUD AND ADORING
WIFE OF THE GREAT HYPNOTIC SCIENTIST, WHO THEREBY BECOMES AN AMERICAN
BILLIONAIRE. THEY MOVE IN THE SMARTEST SOCIETY IN PARIS, AND MANAGE TO
DO A GREAT DEAL OF GOOD.]
* * * * *
MR. PUNCH'S FOUR PRIZE MIDDLE-CLASS WIVES.
[Illustration: MR. PUNCH LEFT MRS. JONES PLAYING LAWN-TENNIS WITH MR.
JONES--THAT THE LITTLE JONES MIGHT BE SOUND IN WIND AND LIMB.]
[Illustration: HE FOUND MADAME DUBOIS KEEPING MONSIEUR DUBOIS'
BOOKS--IN ORDER THAT HE MAY PROSPER AND GROW RICH, AND SPARE AN EXTRA
CLERK.]
[Illustration: HE FOUND FRAU MÜLLER COOKING SAUERKRAUT AND
SAUSAGES--THAT HERR MÜLLER SHOULD EAT OF THE BEST AND CHEAPEST AND
MOST DIGESTIBLE.]
[Illustration: HE FOUND MRS. VAN TRUMP READING BROWNING AND HERBERT
SPENCER--TO BE AN INTELLECTUAL COMPANION FOR GEORGE P. VAN TRUMP, AND
HIS ENGLISH FRIENDS.]
* * * * *
ROBERT'S STORY ABOUT CHINA.
[Illustration]
The fact is, Sir, that I had got quite tired of hearing Gents all a
grumbling at allers having the same kind of wittels at their Citty
Bankwets: so I thort as I woud jest take a run hover here, jest to
see what they had to hoffer by way of change; and so here I am, on my
voyage of dishcovery.
I passes over that woyage, and my many blunders in trying to make
myself hunderstood by the hignerent natives, and at once goes in
to describe what was of coarse most hintresting to me, namely,
the dinners. I dined wun day at the Shing-Cully Otel, which is a
fust-class consern. I was told as all the Swells dined at the top of
the house; so hup stairs I went, and sat myself down at a large tabel,
with about 30 Chineese Gents, all drest in their riduklus kostoom of
Jackets and pettycotes. They all stared at me as if I was sumthink
werry strange, tho' drest in my ushal full hevening dress, with white
choker. We only had 1 Maynoo for all of us, and had to chuse our
Dishes, so I chose Birds'-nest Soup, Sharks' fins, as they hadn't got
no Turbot, lots of frute, and Roast Puppy! We began with frute; but,
before we ate any, we all took wine with one another! The Birds'-nest
Soup must have been werry carefooly strained, for there wasn't not no
twigs nor bits of straw, het setterer, in it. The Sharks' fins wasn't
at all bad, but, as we wasn't allowd no knives or forks, but only 2
chop-sticks, as they calls 'em, I had sum difficulty in heating it.
They then brort me some stewed sumthink, which was that oily that I
didn't heat much of it. I ardly xpecs to be bleeved when I says that
we had no tabel-cloth or tabel-napkins, but we each had a peace of
common brown paper at the side of our plates, with which we all wiped
our messy chop-sticks, and our oily mouths. The dux was werry good, so
I had about harf a one. The Puppy Dog looked much like a Sucking Pig,
but even the strong hunion sauce didn't hide the parfume enuff for
me to be able to taste it. The wine wasn't anythink werry grand, but,
what it wanted in flavior, it made up in strength, and many a eye
began for to twinkle afore the dinner was over; and, judging from what
I saw then, and at other times, I should think about the most commical
hobjeck on earth is a drunken Chinyman. I was arterwards told that the
propper place to get dogs and cats for dinner was in Jack-Poo-Kow. The
idear of calling such horrid filth Kow, made me suspishus, so I found
the place out, and, who should I see oppersite the winder where the
dead dogs and cats is hung up to dry, but your own dog TOBY! a barking
at 'em with such hindignashun that I werrily bleeves that one word of
incurragement from me wood have made him rush into the _restaurant_,
and ewen praps attack the Hed Waiter! However, I perswaded him to
leave the horrid place, and go home with me; but, on our way, we came
to another of them, where a black cat was hanging up, when in TOBY
rushed, and, siezing it in his mouth, brort it out to me, and tore it
lim from lim! Out came the Master, and 2 of his Waiters, and, little
knowing who I was, seized me, and dragged me into the shop, and
demanded 100 sents, or four shillings, for the black cat's body,
and tuppence for its pair of eyes, which, it seems, are considerd a
speshal lukshury? TOBY, insted of looking ashamed of hisself for his
shamefool conduck, trotted by my side, barking away, and looking as
prowd as a Lord Mare's Coachman, till I lost him in the crowd.
[Illustration]
[Illustration]
I called one day by appintment upon a sillibrated Mandereen with 3
tales, who must therefore have bin a heminent swell. He was not a
tome, but the servents showed me into a room where a most bewtifool
Chineese Lady was a-lying on a Sofhy, with such darling little tootsy
putsys as I never seed afore, and which I shood think wood suttenly
prewent her from ever warking like a Cristian Lady. She wore all her
bewtifool hare brushed off her bewtifool face as if she wanted it all
to grow backards. I warked boldly up to her and sed, "Mandareeny tomy
tomy?" to which she replied, "Ching-Ching-Changy-Wangy!" Not quite
undustanding a word she said, I was about to take my leave by saying,
"Bowy! Wowy!" when she got off the Sofhy and hobbling along to the
door, placed herself against it, and patting my estonished cheeks
said, "Oh, how nicey picey!" I was that estonished that I thort I
shood have fainted, and ewen TOBY, who I had took with me, stared
at her with both his eyes, speshally when she put up her fan, when
presently the door was forced open from the howtside, and who shood
henter but the three-taled Mandareen hisself!
He looked fust at the bewtifool Lady, and then at me, and then, harf
droring his grate big sword, and sounding the Gong most wierlently, in
rushed about 1/2 a dozen servents, and after some most angry words of
Chineese gibberish from their master, they all siezed me and dragged
me to another room, where they took off both my boots and my stockings
and laying me down on the flore, tho I had all my best clothes onn,
they beat both my souls and my eels with sticks till I skreamed for
mersy!
They then left me. I was that hurt both in my feet and my feelinx that
I didn't kno what on airth to do. When presently in came one of
them quite quietly and said in a whisper: "I spikes ze Inglesh, pore
feller! and if you have sum munny I can get you what you calls a
sub-sty-tooty for the rest of your punnishment." "How much will it
be?" says I. "About 10,000 Cash?" says he. "10,000 Cash!" says I.
"It's only 2 pound ten of your munny," says he. So, feeling as I shood
suttenly die if I had to go through the same tortur again, I gave him
the munny, and sure enuff he soon returned with a pore seedy-looking
Chinaman who took my place, and my new friend took me out of the house
by the back-door, and off I set and got home without hinterrupshun!
As soon as my feet got well I went to a werry sillybrated
Phizzygonomist, I thinks they calls 'em, to have my fortun told. He
werry kindly sed that my large mouth and chin, and my furm nose, and
my large neck, was all most faverable sines; but added, as he was
sorry to have to say, that as my eyes was not long ones, and had no
large pewpils, I must most suttenly have a grate natteral taste for
picking and stealing! Whether sich a rewelation was worth fifteen
sents, or 7-1/2_d._, I must leave you, Sir, to determine; all I can
say is, that I thort it dear at the munny.
[Illustration]
I bort wun day a most bewtifool Chineese rapper, and I used offen to
go and sit on the steps leading to wun of their little tempels, with
my air werry nicely drest by a air-dresser, and there, with TOBY by
my side, I used to sit and receeve the respecfool atenshuns of the
estonished parsers-by.
One of the prinsiple emusements of the hupper nobillerty is the flying
of most bewtifool kites! I have heard of the same thing being dun in
the great City of London, but I never seed it. I bleeves in both cases
the kites is made of paper. Everybody smokes in China, Men and Women
and Boys and Gals. Sum of the men has baccy-pipes so long that they
uses them as Warking-Sticks!
I was rayther surprised to find as they warships the Griffin, jest
such a wun as we has on the top of Tempel Bar, but which our peepel,
as you kno, don't warship, not by no means. But the Chineese in their
dense hignerence calls it a Draggon!
In short, Sir, I arives at the conclushun that the Chineese is about
the rummest lot of peeple in the hole world, and anyboddy as wants
plenty of fun had better cum here at wunce, but not stay long, and
don't heat dogs or cats, or wisit Mandereen's Wives.
* * *
"Thank you, very much," said _Mr. Punch_, when ROBERT had finished
speaking, "but I am afraid I can stay with you no longer. I wish to
pay a flying visit to the Colonies. But first I must show Mr. STANLEY
that, great Discoverer though he may be, I can yet over-explore him!"
Then, accompanied by his faithful TOBY, he wished that they should be
in Central Africa. Urged by his companion, in this instance, he took
some copious notes. He preserved them, and they are thus able to be
embodied in this veracious chronicle.
* * * * *
MR. PUNCH AND TOBY IN CENTRAL AFRICA.
[Illustration]
Struggle through the jungle; hardships beginning. Black-legs, engaged
owing to strike amongst _Dokkas_, or native porters, fast dwindling,
owing to energetic picketing with poisoned arrows from behind trees by
small brown dwarfs. Pursued one, and after boxing his ears severely,
dismissed him with threat of telling his mother. Jungle almost
impassable. All heavier baggage sent on to Central Africa by Parcels
Delivery. After four days' wandering, the Lady Guide, who had been
represented as "thoroughly conversant with the district," began to cry
and said she had lost the path. Dismissed her on the spot, paying her
return fare, though under no _legal_ obligation to do so. Really _too_
ridiculous to attempt to conduct a party through the Dark Continent
with nothing but an ordnance map of Epping Forest! Long and fruitless
search for track; fortunately, just as despair reached climax, met a
_Koppah_ (or native policeman) and asked him--turned out to be only
just round the corner.
On the main road again; Passed a native caravan of nomad _Djipsis_.
Bought a hearth-brush and door-mat. At mid-day, took the sun
with portable camera. Sun moved and spoilt negative. Made some
observations.
Reached native village--N'yutoihigama. Much struck by native method
of ascending palms for cocoa-nuts, carrying letters, wrestling, &c.
Visited King MAHBUL of Pigzinklovaland. Much interested by efforts of
King with his three favourite wives, all under influence of _Pombé_ or
palm-beer, to roll into royal kraal.
On again; progress obstructed by the _Nekkids_ of Nuffintowara, who
seemed bent on giving battle. Sent messenger to King with present of
shirt-studs, after which allowed to pass unharmed. Further on, stopped
by band of _Grimi-Grubbas_, who evidently meant being nasty. Called to
them pleasantly in native tongue, "_Cheke-bobo-nangu-yanzi-toorali_?"
(Good-morning, have you used Scours' Soap?) Found they hadn't, and
presented them with a packet, also with brushes and other articles of
the toilette, of which they were in great need.
Came to open space near N'yumarkiti. Saw some _Darckorsis_ running
in and out of brushwood in highly suspicious manner. Found on inquiry
that they were only "out for an airing" not "on the job." Much
relieved. Conference with King M'rora of the Wezijiji tribe; trumpets
sounded as soon as he was done.
Discovered large river of colour of strong green tea. Named it the Sir
Wilfrid Lawson. Entered territory of the Rumboozi people. Their
king, MOPZANBRUMZI, offering his services as guide. MOPSANBRUMZI most
cordial, but much too drunk to be of any material assistance. Once
powerful intellect now, alas! degraded. Made a long speech in the
Ikkupi dialect--quite unintelligible. MOPZANBRUMZI presented with a
small tin of Royal Mail Red Paint, with which, when the expedition
left, he was proceeding to decorate the vicinity.
On the lagoon. An adventure befell TOBY, which, but for prompt
action, might have had fatal termination; TOBY mistook open mouth of
hippopotamus for drain, and rushed down in search of rat.
Hippopotamus closed mouth, with expression intimating plainly that
"No contributions can be returned unless accompanied by stamps and
directed wrapper." TOBY'S barking inside fainter. At length remembered
having brought Report of Parnell Commission for private reading. Read
Report to Hippopotamus slowly, until symptoms of weariness observable
in huge pachyderm. Read on, and hippopotamus yawned; whereupon
whistled to TOBY, who ran up, not much the worse, except that frill
had lost every vestige of colour.
Engaged native interpreter, as no conversation manuals published for
countries in this district. Excellent fellow--clean, strictly honest,
total abstainer; only one blemish--not discovered till later--a bit of
a cannibal when he got the chance. Sent him on to announce our arrival
to the Dilli-dillis, but found none in the neighbourhood when we came
up--only some things which he _said_ were fossils. Made no comment,
but resolved to send them to Professor HUXLEY, and see what _his_
opinion is.
Among the Bong Booshis; despatched Cannibal Interpreter to report;
he returned, wiping his mouth, and announcing that they were "most
agreeable, excellent, good people."
[Illustration]
Could not understand why they all hid underground at our approach, and
why the King so persistently sent word that he was not at home. Told
Interpreter that, in our opinion, he was a little deficient in tact.
Sent him to treat with a native chief, called PHATTI, and had the
mortification this time of surprising him _in the act_; no denial
possible--he had his mouth full at the time! Told him that, if
this occurred _again_, we should be exceedingly annoyed. Cannibal
Interpreter penitent; lent him tract, _Why I Became a Vegetarian_,
over which he shed tears.
Came to the M'yusikauli District. King LESSI came to meet us, and
offered _Mr. Punch_ a free pass over his domains. In the evening a
grand performance, partly in our honour, partly to celebrate recent
triumph over the G'yudi-g'yudis, who, under their chief MAKDOOGALLA,
had been waging war against the M'yusi-kaulis on the pretext that they
were assuming an offensive demeanour. Heard afterwards that both
sides claimed victory, but truce declared for a year. Performance
magnificent--but much too long. Native dances by _Ikika_ girls
in pairs. _T'seriokomiks_ and _T'songandanzas_ also gave curious
exhibitions of their powers. _Hackiribats_ and _Kunjeras_ (or
native magicians) performed. A wild, weird, lurid scene, strange and
fascinating--but a trifle slow.
[Illustration]
In Ugoweh; met some Gitalongdo girls, but could not succeed in
persuading them to enter into conversation.
On the River; saw _Krûs_ practising in long canoes, and got out of
their way. Descended cataracts; shot several rapids, and sent them
home to be stuffed.
Came to Desert, and hired camel to go across on, (N.B. These animals
are styled "Back-tryin"--which they _are_.) Only eighteen-pence an
hour, which would have been reasonable enough, but quite impossible
to sit out more than nine-penn'orth. Decided to take an ostrich for
remainder of journey. Softer to sit. Ostrich a failure; ran for five
hours in a circle, at express speed, and then suddenly turned shy, and
buried its head in sand, without the slightest notice; foolish habit
for any bird to acquire. Determined to try a quagga--quagga tried
_me_, and very soon found me wanting, A quagga is a brute to buck!
After all, came back to my old wooden mount--spot better than stripes,
any day.
In the Jungle again. Discovered Colony of Highly-educated Anthropoid
Apes. Lent them some copies of _Punch_, which are indispensable to all
African travellers. Apes delighted--one large gorilla quite hysterical
with laughter. Much gratified--till discovery that it was the
_advertisements_ which amused them most. Sense of humour of apes much
exaggerated.
Reached the Kit'ldrumma District. Natives hostile at first; war-drums
sounded incessantly. Fortunately fond of music, so easily pacified
them by playing selection from "_Tannhäuser_," arranged for drum and
panpipes by LISZT. TOBY taking violent fancy to a "_Spottiduff_," or
native dog, _Spottiduff_ vanishing mysteriously shortly before dinner;
find this animal considered a great dainty in this locality. TOBY
inconsolable.
Among the Ustingis. Received with great ceremony by their
king--CHESIPARA. Palm wine (corked) handed round in liqueur glasses.
Dinner beastly. CHESIPARA saying repeatedly that he "made no stranger
of me"--he _will_, though, for the future. Exchange of presents. Gave
CHESIPARA a silver-mounted dressing case (bankrupt stock--a bargain),
a handsome coloured supplement, _Muzzer's Darling_ (given away with
Christmas Number of _Timon_), a microscope (object-lens missing--but
he'll never miss it), a plated fish-slice, and a pair of nut-crackers.
CHESIPARA, after a good deal of parade, presented me with a bunch of
very indifferent bananas, and a brass collar, belonging to one of his
wives, whom he had had killed on purpose! Told him, with much emotion,
that I should never forget it.
Reached the Centre of Africa; found that luggage had _not_ been
forwarded after all! Had to borrow a clean shirt from Kollamangel
chief, promised to return it on arrival at Coast. Difficulty with
TIPPOO-TIP of the Blackmaïlas, who refused to allow _Mr. Punch_ to
pass without tribute. Pacified him with palm butter and reached coast
without further incident.
* * *
After leaving TIPPOO-TIP, he continued his journey through the
Colonies. Now he was taking tiffin in Calcutta, and a few minutes
later found everyone asleep at Montreal. Christmas seemed to him to be
being kept in Melbourne in the most sultry weather, and New Year's Day
in Cape Colony was observed as a Midsummer festival. He had a general
impression of constant change and constant improvement. The spirit of
the mighty English Race seemed to be falling upon the world like a ray
of glorious sunshine. This ray of light was continually increasing and
beating back the darkness. And, as the Sage travelled through the air,
he found everywhere content. It mattered not who the natives might
be, they had but one flag, the Union Jack, one sovereign, the
Empress-Queen VICTORIA!
"Rule BRITANNIA!" cried _Mr. Punch_, enthusiastically. "But for all
that, I wish I could have a few minutes to myself."
In a moment, he found himself seated amidst the eternal snows of the
North Pole.
"Well, this is an ice place!" shivered the Sage. There was a roar of
mighty laughter from the Aurora Borealis. It was the first time that
the ancient jest had been uttered in those latitudes. The Sage blushed
at his adoption of the venerable "JOE MILLER," and wished himself back
in Europe--in civilisation.
He found himself in Venice. Steam gondolas were travelling along
the Grand Canal, and Cockneys were cutting their names on the sacred
stones of the Church of St. Mark.
"It is becoming very English," murmured the Sage. "I suppose the next
move will be to organise pigeon-shooting matches in front of the Café
Florian, after turning the Doge's Palace into an illuminated Palace of
Varieties."
_Mr. Punch_ was disgusted, and began to think longingly of home.
"I have made a pretty fair round of the world, but I suppose I ought
to do a little more in Europe--after all, it has the first claim upon
my consideration. Let me consider--I think I should like to see a
Greek robber in Athens."
[Illustration: MR. PUNCH'S RETURN.]
In a moment the Sage found himself in an Athenian hotel, with the
proprietor bowing obsequiously before him.
"Not very classical," he murmured. "I wonder what it was like in the
days when the dead languages were alive, if not kicking. How I should
like to see Athens in the time of HELEN the fairest of the fair in
everything--save in her conduct to MENELAUS!"
Before he had time for further thought, he found himself in the far
past, and thus had an opportunity of comparing the old with the new.
"Very pretty, but, on my word, comfort was a secondary consideration.
But I have neglected Spain. I wish to see the loveliest view in good
old WELLINGTON'S Peninsula."
_Mr. Punch_ had expected to be carried into one of the courts of the
Alhambra, but, in lieu of this, he found himself gazing at a lady,
beautiful beyond compare. For a moment he was so lost in admiration,
that he almost forgot himself, and was about to kiss her. Remembering,
however, that he was a married man, and that his better half might
object to the very natural, but (under the circumstances) highly
improper transaction, he paused, and changed his kiss into a beaming
smile. He was a little _chagrined_, however, to notice that
the beautiful creature was so intent upon watching some distant
attraction, that she had no eyes for him, nor, in fact, for anyone
else.
"What can she be looking at?" he murmured. "How lovely she is with
her heightened colour, her parted lips, her soul beaming through her
lustrous dark eyes!"
Then he uttered an exclamation of disgust when he found that the lady
was giving her entire attention to a bull-fight!
"I think I have had enough of this! We may have something of the same
sort in our courts during a trial for murder; but, as a rule, _our_
female blood-hungerers are either podgy matrons of sixty, or skinny
old maids, of no (admitted) age at all! So give me England--dear old
England!" He was set down at the Cannon Street Railway Station, and,
collecting his luggage (which had followed by _Grande Vitesse_), he
called a cab, and drove to Fleet Street.
And once more he was back in the ancestral halls, which had been
decorated for the occasion with holly, and its white-berried
companion. So, while TOBY played "_Home, Sweet Home!_" _Mr. Punch_
kissed BRITANNIA under the Mistletoe, and wished her and the whole
world, in a Wassail-bowl,
A MERRY CHRISTMAS, AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR!
* * * * *
A HAGGARD ANNUAL.
(_Specially written by Walker Weird, to usher in the Year 1890_)
[Illustration]
UNREDD, the writer, and SPOYLPAPEROS, the sketcher, were in the
presence of a weird figure, that grotesquely genuflected before them.
"Fear not, my sons," explained the WEIRD, cutting a sad caper; "fear
not. _He-who-must-be-obeyed_ has need of ye. And, as _He_ has need, ye
must be well-bred," as we say in the yeast.
"And you are?--"
"The Ghost of a Joke!" murmured the extinct witticism, sadly; "and my
name is SILLIBILLI." And then a strange thing happened.
All of a sudden the Writer and the Sketcher found themselves thrust
into the presence of _He-who-must-be-obeyed_. After pushing down his
two captives, SILLIBILLI himself fell upon his hands and knees, like
a pig journeying to market. The men of the pen and pencil looked about
them, and for miles could see nothing but prostrate forms. In front of
them was a heavy white drapery, seemingly hiding a figure. At length
the curtain began to move, and suddenly, from above its folds,
appeared a most beautiful red nose--never had they seen such a long
and curved nose. Then came a voice, sweet and soft, and yet full of
power, reminding those present of something between a murmuring brook
and a thunderbolt.
"Strangers!" said the voice, in English, but much purer and more
classical English than the Arriarris talk, "Strangers, When is
the portal to a saloon not the portal to a saloon? Tell me that, O
Strangers!"
"When it is an Egyptian potsherd," stealthily whispered SILLIBILLI.
"Begone, thou white headed old fool!" cried _He-who-must-be-obeyed_,
angrily. "It is not the answer; and, if it were, who art thou to thus
reply? Begone, thou feeble cry of a donkey long defunct!" The voice
rose in its anger clear and cold, and the Writer and the Sketcher
fancied they could see two gleaming eyes above the drapery.
SILLIBILLI beat his stupid old head thrice on the ground, and crawled
out of the apartment as he had crawled into it.
[Illustration: "_It made a quaint gesture with the assistance of a
palm-tree._"]
"Neither of ye know," continued the Lord of the beautiful red nose.
"Then begone, and search for that joke--trace it to its source--to its
saucy source."
There was a pause, and then a strange thing happened. A mighty shout
of laughter rose from the very depths, and seemed to fill the entire
universe. _He_ seemed pleased, and gracefully inclined his nose as if
acknowledging a compliment. Then he continued, less sternly,
"Away to the land of the Joks, and the Judimows--the Quipps and the
Kranx. Away, to find a way!"
Once again came the roar of mighty laughter. From far, far away it
came with a dreadful muttering noise, that grew and grew to a crash
and a roar, which combined in itself all that is terrible and yet
splendid in the possibilities of sound. Then it passed away, and
disappeared in a murmured guffaw.
Then UNREDD and SPOYLPAPEROS, feeling sure of the presence of two
gleaming eyes above the beautiful red nose, turned sharply round and
fled.
And they journeyed on and on, through the snow and the ice, until
they came to the land of the desert, in which they found themselves
(strange to say) in a warmer atmosphere than that to which they had
grown accustomed in the regions of the North Pole. Then a strange
thing happened. They witnessed a fight between an elephant and a cat.
The elephant managed to get well on the bank of the river which ran
(conveniently) through the desert, in spite of the cat nipping on to
one of its legs. Gradually the cat began to swallow the leg, then the
body, then the head, until nothing but the trunk of the elephant was
left. A strange thing had happened--the elephant had been swallowed by
the cat!
"He was evidently going out of town," said UNREDD, airily.
"So I see," replied SPOYLPAPEROS, and he pointed to the trunk.
Once more came the dreadful muttering noise that ended in a roar of
laughter, and again a shadowy form floated past them--the Ghost of
a Joke! And when they looked towards the cat it too had gone, having
disappeared (so they subsequently ascertained) with a grin. They then
knew the creature's breed--it was a Cheshire cat!
And now they were in front of the Sphinx, who was looking down upon
them with a most fiendish and terrifying expression. Surrounding this
ancient Egyptian Monument were numberless scrolls (many inscribed
"[Greek: Dekl.ned--Thanks]") sent there by a forgotten people. UNREDD
picked up one of comparatively modern date. It was a strange scroll,
full of hieroglyphics and languages of many races. Here was the
ancient Greek--and the more modern Arabic. There was something that
seemed to be Russian--there a line that might be antediluvian Irish.
All jumbled up together, in seemingly hopeless confusion.
"See," cried UNREDD, excitedly, "I can make out 'When is the door of
the neighbour'"--and then he stopped.
"Quite so," replied SPOYLPAPEROS, "but it has no answer. Stay
though--what is this? "The duck of the gardener (gardener's duck)
puts his head into the pond belonging to the grandmother of the sailor
(sailor's grandmother) for the reasons of the diver (diver's reasons.)
This is very strange!"
"Indeed, it is," acquiesced UNREDD, and then he cried, on making a
farther discovery, "See the Author's name!"
And then they found inscribed on the scroll a word written as
follows:--
[Greek: OLLENDORPh].
Perfectly bewildered, they threw the paper away. Then a strange thing
happened. All of a sudden, with one accord, they put to the Sphinx the
question that _He-who-must-be-obeyed_ had asked them. The mouth of the
head seemed to move, and one of the huge eyelids appeared to quiver.
Moreover, it made a quaint gesture with the assistance of a palm-tree.
Then came a voice, saying, in hieroglyphics--
[Illustration]
There was a pause, and then UNREDD, in consultation with his
companion, deciphered the meaning.
"You be blowed?" they both shouted, and the Sphinx gravely inclined
its head. Then, of a sudden, after jumping from one mountain-top to
another mountain-top, clinging to a precipice by their eyebrows, and
sliding down a glacier and an avalanche, the two travellers came to
the source of nothing, or, to use the local name, the source of the
Nihil.
"When is a door not a door?" they asked, impelled as if by some hidden
power.
In a moment the most beautiful Joke that ever was known appeared
before them. It had the semblance of something they had seen
before--lovely beyond compare. A flood of liquid laughter followed,
and the Joke bathed in it, dancing about in the merry mixture most
joyously. It was a dread and wonderful sight.
They felt that but half their task was accomplished--but only half.
Had not _He-who-must-be-obeyed_ ordered them to seek out the solution
of the Great Conundrum? That Great Conundrum had lived through the
ages. It had been known to the Romans and the Greeks, and had died
(for a while) with the Dead Languages. It had been buried in the land
of the Assyrians, from whence had come a kindred spirit, the precursor
of the Hibernian bull. That bull, which was in the changing seasons
to cause roars of mighty merriment echoing into the far ages of the
Future from the distant dimples of the Past. So, after their first
surprise, they welcomed the gladsome Presence. They watched it as it
jumped and leaped in the flood of liquid laughter. They were mad with
a nameless delight, and danced round and round in a wild delirium
of quaint possibilities! The Joke smiled upon them, and seemed
to recognise in them the followers of the Great _Jo-Mill-Ar_,
or _One-who-has-caused-the-dullest-dogs
to-shake-their-heavy-sides-with-tuneless-laughter_.
Then the Joke grew in comeliness. The Question was only half of its
stature--it required the Answer. They felt that the reply would come
with the mighty murmur of merriment that the Writer and the Sketcher
had already noticed. At length it was upon them. The Answer came!----
"When it is _an egress_."
"Look!--look!--look!" shrieked UNREDD.
_The Joke was growing old before their eyes!_ The wit was shrivelling
up! The fun was evaporating! Smaller and smaller it grew, until it was
nearly gone.
"I will not die!" came a cry. "Generations yet unborn shall hear me.
Many shall think me good--many shall be amused. Oh--h--h!" and the
Joke had fallen flat! They knew its real name, then--it was "_Ded
an-Gone, the Jest Departed_." And now it was still!
[Illustration: DED'-AN-GONE; OR, JEST DEPARTED.
"_In a moment the most beautiful Joke that ever was known appeared
before them. It had the semblance of something they had seen
before--lovely beyond compare. A flood of liquid laughter followed,
and the Joke bathed in it, dancing about in the merry mixture most
joyously. It was a dread and wonderful sight._"]
And so were UNREDD and SPOYLPAPEROS. Alas! for their melancholy
fate--they had died of laughter! They had their desert!
[Illustration: "_They had their desert!_"]
* * * * *
INCIDENT IN THE INDIAN SPORTING TOUR OF ALIBI PASHA (COLONEL ALIAS
ALIBI).
[Illustration]
SIR,--You were sending your Correspondents all over the world, and you
never did a better thing than when you summoned me to your presence,
and said, "Colonel, are you ready?" and I replied, "I am!" If
it hadn't been for my uncommon clearness of vision, the party
of detectives whom you sent out in search of me would never have
discovered me in my rocky lair on the southern coast of Cornwall,
to which secluded spot I had for a time retreated, your Colonel _en
retraite_, the only time he ever retreated in his life, and then not
from foes, but from too many and too kind friends, in order to scheme
out at my leisure a new and original plan for tracing the real and
only source of the Nile at half the cost of STANLEY'S expedition, with
double the profits. "The _Genuine Nile Water Company Limited_," and
the "_Nile Sauce for Cheops and Steaks_," will be two of the greatest
financial successes of this or any other time.
"Yeo ho, my boys! Yeo ho!" I shouted from the height above to four
toiling minions in the cockle-shell of a boat below. My! how glad they
were. Odds Colonels and cockle-shells! but, it I hadn't exerted my
lungs, they'd have returned disconsolate to you, as you were waiting
at the railway station, with your baggage all labelled, and your dog
_Toby_ waving adieux to your followers. What a wigging they'd have
got! But, seeing me, you smiled as you wert wont to smile, and in
two-twos the historic question was asked--"Colonel, are you ready?"
(as I have already reminded you), and the equally historic answer had
been given, "I am!"
[Illustration: "Yeo ho, my boys! Yeo ho!" I shouted.]
My weapons and my sporting togs are always at hand, packed for
travelling at the shortest possible notice. And here let me remark
to you that, when you were in the desert, had you been armed with
my patent revolving, twenty-times-a-second, double-action repeating
rifle, the strange story of the conflict between yourself and the
ostrich would have been utterly impossible. Excuse me, Sir, but, as
it is, I consider it scarcely within the bounds of probability. I know
probability will take big bounds, and I'm a bit of a traveller myself,
but your escape uninjured from that wild bird, and the escape also
of TOBY, who is not a sporting dog, is one of the strangest tales on
record, by the side of which, perhaps, even the daring exploit, which
I am now about to narrate as a plain unvarnished tale, may seem a mere
ordinary, every-day occurrence. But to proceed.
To India. I promised you my diary of sports and pastimes from the
moment of my arrival. Here it is, from the first day to the moment of
my posting you the last scrap by special messenger. Now, to commence
* * * (_We omit the first six hundred pages._) * * * The next day
SWINDLAH KHAN came to my Kabob where I was sitting, wiling away the
time by teaching my favourite Cheetah the three-card trick, which
the sagacious animal can now perform as easily as if he were the
learnedest pig in Europe--(I am bringing him over, to back him for
matches of this sort in England--shall probably get up a company
to work it--Learned Pig and Cheetah Company (Limited). Capital,
£280,000,000--but of this, more anon)--and, after accepting the
_puffum_, which is always offered to a visitor filled and lighted,
SWINDLAH waited for me to open the conversation.
"SWINDLAH, mebhoy," said I, addressing him familiarly, in his own
native language, in which I am a proficient, and shall now give a
translation, "What's up?"
"ALIBI PASHA," he replied, bending his head, and looking out of the
corner of his eyes--a trick he has when he means mischief--(I know the
old rascal by this time)--"Is it on or off?"
For the moment I had forgotten our wager of the previous night. I
confess I had imbibed so much _loshun_ that for once and away I was
not quite certain whether I was actually sober or not--nor, indeed,
did I decide the point until I had argued it out myself, and settled
that, if I went to bed in my _bhootahs_ (worn here on the foot, and
very much worn under it), I must be more or less inebriated, but that,
if I assumed the ordinary _shimmy dinnee_--(do you remember my song on
this Indian night-habit, to the tune of "_Bonnie Dundee_"?--it was in
the cold weather, when the stinging winter night-fly is about, and I
couldn't find the article of apparel anywhere,--
Then haul down my curtains, and call up my men,
And search every cupboard agen and agen.
It has a frilled border as far as the knee--
It's the prettiest thing is my _shimmy dinwee_.
But, as I didn't quote this to SWINDLAH KHAN, I only allude to
it here, and you will find it _in extenso_, as they did in the
linen-press, further on, during the course of these Memoirs)--and
retired to my _dhownee_ (bed), I must be all right. _Dhownee_ v.
_Bhootah_, and the first won. Yet next morning it was with difficulty
I could exactly recall the term of the wager.
[Illustration: Waiting for the Colonel.]
"Yes, SWINDLAH," says I. "It is the Wild Hog Hunt to which you are
alluding." He bowed. "Fifty thousand lakhs of rupees," I continued,
"which your executors pay to mine in case you come to grief, or mine
to yours in case the like happens to me." Again he bowed, and I went
on. "And if we both survive, the money is paid to whichever of us two
kills the Wild Hog of Ghrûntah." We shook hands over it. I didn't, as
a rule, shake hands with SWINDLAH KHAN, who was the veriest old thief
in all India, and an abominably cruel tyrant into the bargain.
[Illustration: A Strange Story.]
The fact is, that this Wild Hog, which from time to time ravaged
various parts of the country that trembled under the sway of SWINDLAH,
was secretly fed, kept alive, and incited to ferocity by the minions
of the cunning despot, who, when he wanted a larger loan than usual,
or coveted the property of some private person, would privately order
this Hog to be starved for a fortnight, and then suddenly let out to
run a-muck.
[Illustration: An Awful Boar for Travellers.]
Naturally the poor natives, and the rich ones too for the matter
of that, clamoured for protection at the hands of their ruler, who
pretended he could see no other way of dealing with the difficulty
than by raising a force of sharpshooters, armed with lances and bows
and arrows, no guns being permitted, as the noise would disturb the
SWINDLAH, who, about this time, invariably feigned to be laid up at
home with a bilious headache. His subjects had to subscribe for the
support of these sporting warriors, and the money came in from all
quarters into SWINDLAH'S treasury for the purpose of killing this
formidable scourge. The presence of this Wild Hog obstructed trade,
as no Travellers, commercial or otherwise, would run the risk of
encountering this dangerous monster. Of course, the Hog was never
killed, as to have put an end to its existence would have been
analogous to killing the Goose that laid the Golden Eggs. When I came
into the country, SWINDLAH did his best to entrap me. I had thirty of
the narrowest escapes that ever man experienced. (_Here we omit 1200
pages of this most thrilling narrative._) SWINDLAH had dared me to
kill the Wild Hog alone: I had replied, "Yes, but it must be worth my
while. So make it a bet, which will slay the beast, you or I, and I'm
on. And the entire beast must be brought back as evidence. A leg, or
a tusk, or an eye, or a bristle won't do. It must be the whole Hog or
none."
As I have said, so 'twas done. The barbarous SWINDLAH had determined
on collaring my coin, and taking my life. He had secreted men in the
jungles, in the passes, on the mountain-tops, to spear me, arrow me,
shoot me,--if they could. What did I care? I had the whole country at
my back, for they were ready to rise as one man--(and, as a matter
of fact, only one man did rise, and he was beheaded at once by the
nearest native policeman, who afterwards apologised handsomely to the
family for the mistake),--and take vengeance on the tyrant. But this
depended on my success; otherwise, so crushed and craven were even
the noblest spirits among them, they dared not move one little finger.
Shall I proceed? Yes. I bore a charmed life. The Wild Hog was wilder
than ever. Mounted on my good old mare, _Wheezer_, which had carried
me over many a stiff country in Old England, and accompanied by my
faithful hound, _Yelpa_, I sought out the wild beast in his lair.
SWINDLAH himself came by a circuitous route.
Suddenly there was an awful roar--I call it a roar, but it was really
the noise of a volcano in action--and the place shook as though in the
throes of an earthquake. Above me, on a rock, on the other side of a
ravine (eighty feet by fifty) stood the huge monster, hideous, raging,
tearing up roots, trees, stocks, stones, anything and everything.
In all my life I never saw such a horrid boar! "At him, _Yelpa!_"
I cried, giving at the same time my well-known whistle of attack.
_Yelpa_ cleared the ravine at a bound. Then followed an awful
struggle. SWINDLAH below looked up in delight. "If the dog kills him,
it's no bet!" he shouted.
"Come on, and kill him yourself, if you can!" I cried, putting
_Wheezer_ at the leap. My brave mare needed no spurs.
[Illustration: A HAZARDOUS LEAP!]
At that moment _Yelpa_ missed his footing and fell. In less than the
100th part of a second I had lassoed him round the collar, and saved
my gallant and faithful friend; but there was no time for attending to
his wounds, as at that instant the Wild Hog, frantic with rage, sprang
from the rock straight at me, mouth open and bristles erect. One
billionth part of a second of suspense, and the next minute my
pig-sticking spear had passed through him, and _Wheezer_, I, and the
Hog sank exhausted on the other side of the ravine, just as a shriek
broke on my ear, and I was able to see that SWINDLAH'S underbred horse
having refused a narrower place lower down, had, in consequence (for
this, strange as it may appear, was the first time that braggart
SWINDLAH had ever been out riding) pitched SWINDLAH right over his
head into the abyss below. I returned home in triumph. Bonfires and
rejoicings all night. Torch and Nautch till daybreak. No one thought
of looking for SWINDLAH till next morning, when nothing was found of
him except his turban. His horse was browsing peacefully within a
few yards of the spot where SWINDLAH had disappeared. The money I
had fairly won was never paid, but the nobility and gentry subscribed
towards a medal, which was struck in commemoration of the event.
I send one to you, one to the Vatican, and a third to the British
Museum. I need hardly say that after this--(_We omit the remainder, as
the work will probably be published in full at some future time_).
* * * * *
[Illustration:
1889 1890
A MERRY CHRISTMAS,
AND
A HAPPY NEW YEAR!
]
* * * * *
[Illustration: MR. PUNCH APPEARS AT THE CARNIVAL OF NATIONS!
"Much have I seen and known; cities of men
And manners, climates, councils, governments,
Myself not least, but honour'd of them all."--TENNYSON'S
"_Ulysses_."
]
* * * * *
Transcriber's Note
^ represents a superscript.
= = represents bold text; _ _ represents italic text.
Calendar, October: | 14| Tu | B. Senlac |
The Battle of Senlac is now more correctly known as the Battle
of Hastings (1066). (See 'Feudal England' by J. H. Round - 1895).
There are some differences in spelling of the same name within
an article, which may have been deliberate, and have
been retained.
* * * * *
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