Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 99, October 18, 1890

By Various

The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 99,
October 18, 1890, by Various

This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org


Title: Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 99, October 18, 1890

Author: Various

Release Date: May 20, 2004 [EBook #12395]

Language: English


*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***




Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis,
and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team.





PUNCH,

OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

VOL. 99.



October 18, 1890.




HOW IT'S DONE.

_A HANDBOOK TO HONESTY._

NO. 11.--THE STRAIGHT "TIP."

    SCENE--_Sanctum of "Large Wholesale House." Present, one
    of the_ Principals, _a pompous personage, with imposing
    watch-chain, and abundant space for it to meander over, and
    a sleekly subservient_ "Head of Department." Principal _looks
    irritated_, Head of Department _apprehensive, the former
    angrily shuffling some papers, the latter nervously "washing
    his hands with invisible soap, in imperceptible water._"

_Principal_. Well, Mr.--er--er--SCROOP, we--er--my partners and
self, are not quite satisfied with the way in which things are going
in--er--in your department.

_Head of Department_. Indeed, Sir. Sorry to hear that, Sir. May I ask,
Sir, in--er--in what particular I have--er--failed to give complete
satisfaction. (_Aside._) On the screw again, the old skinflint--I know
him.

[Illustration]

_Principal._ Well, in point of fact, the profits on your branch have
lately been very--have seemed--er--have been by no means--what we
could wish, Mr. SCROOP, what we could wish, Sir.

_H. of D._ Really, Sir, I--ah, am grieved to hear it, for, upon my
word, I hardly know--

_Principal_ (_abruptly_). There must be cutting down somewhere--I say
_somewhere_, Mr. SCROOP--_where_, I must leave to you. By the way, it
seems to me that PUDDICOMBE's prices are a bit high for a beginner
in the trade as he is. I think his "lines" ought to run a little
lower--eh?

_H. of D._ Well, Sir, I've suggested it to him myself, but he
protested there was hardly a margin left. However, since you name it,
Sir, I'll see what I can do with him. _(Aside._) Ruthless old grinder,
_that's_ his game, is it? Wants a few "extra" pounds to play with, and
means squeezing them out of PUDDICOMBE. Poor PUDDICOMBE, I've already
put the screw on him pretty tightly. However, I must give it another
turn, I suppose.

    SCENE II.--Head of Department _and_ PUDDICOMBE, _a
    hard-working, struggling manufacturer, who has schemed and
    screwed for years to keep in with the Big House._

_Puddicombe_. Upon my word, Mr. SCROOP, I can't--I really can't,
knock off another quarter per cent. It's a tight fight already, and I
_can't_ do it.

_H. of D._ (_airily_). All right, PUDDICOMBE my boy,--as you please.
Plenty who will, you know.

_Puddicombe_. Really, Mr. SCROOP, I don't see how they can--

_H. of D._ (_rudely_). That's _their_ business. I only know they
_will_, and jump at it.

_Puddicombe_ (_hesitatingly_). But--er--I thought, when I made that
little arrangement with you, a year ago, about the trifling bonus to
you, you know, I thought you as good as promised--

_H. of D._ (_severely_). Mr. PUDDICOMBE, you surprise me. I am here,
Sir, to do the best I can for the Firm--and _I shall do it._ If
somebody else's prices are better than yours, somebody else gets the
line, that's all. Good day, Mr. PUDDICOMBE. (_Aside._) Confound his
impudence!--he shan't have another order if _I_ can help it! Trifling
bonus, indeed! One thing, he daren't split--so _I_'m safe.

    [_Exit_ PUDDICOMBE, _despondently. Enter, presently, a
    hopeful-looking person, with a sample-bag._

_H. of D._ (_cheerily_). Ah, Mr. PINCHER, how do--how do? Haven't seen
you for an age.

_Mr. Pincher_. Good day, Mr. SCROOP. I heard you wanted to see me,
and, as I've a _very_ cheap line in your way, I thought, as I was
passing, I'd venture to look in.

_H. of D._ Quite right, PINCHER. What's the figure, my boy?

_Pincher_ (_slily_). A shade lower than the lowest you've been giving.
Is that good enough?

_H. of D._ Well--ahem!--yes--of course, if the _quality_ is right.

_Pincher_. O.K., I assure you, Sir!

_H. of D._ Well, we're quoted as low as forty-five. If you can beat
that, I think I can place the order with you.

_Pincher_ (_aside_). Liar! Even poor PUDDICOMBE wouldn't go under
fifty. However, here goes! (_Aloud._) Will five off meet your views?

_H. of D._ Say seven and a half, and I'm on.

_Pincher_. Done with you, Sir. (_Aside._) With what he'll want for
himself, there's "nothing in it!"--_this_ time.

_H. of D._ Well--subject, of course, to our Principal's approval, I
think I may say the line is yours, PINCHER. (_Aside._) Don't know
how the doose he does it! Well, that's none o' my business. Won't old
SKINFLINT be pleased? Must try and spring him for a holiday, on the
strength of it.

_Pincher_. Thanks--many thanks. (_Books it._) Hope we shall do
more business together,--to our mutual advantage. By the way, Mr.
SCROOP--(_in a low voice_)--if there _is_ any little thing I can put
in your way, you know, I, er--er!--

_H. of D._ Oh, don't mention it, PINCHER. Give me a look up on Tuesday
evening, at home. You know my little place at Peckham. My good lady'll
give you a little music.

_Pincher_. Ah, I've a good deal of influence in that line. Now, if
there's anything Mrs. SCROOP might fancy--I know "perks" are not in
_your_ line, but the ladies, my boy, the ladies!

_H. of D._ (_laughing_). You will have your joke, PINCHER. Well,
oddly enough, the Missis was only saying last night she wanted a new
piano--one of BROADWOOD's grands, for choice--and if you--

_Pincher_ (_mysteriously_). Leave it to me, my dear Sir, leave it to
me. If Mrs. SCROOP isn't satisfied by this day week, why--never give
me another line. Ha! ha! _Good_ day, Mr. SCROOP!

    [_Exit, chuckling_.

       *       *       *       *       *

ROBERT'S RETURN TO THE CITY.

I've bin jolly cumferal lately at the Grand Hotel, as ewerybody in fac
seems to be, for they cums in a smilin with hope, and gos away smilin
with satisfacshun, and with the thorow conwicshun of soom cumming
again, and sum on 'em says to me, says they, "Oh rewor! Mr. ROBERT!"
and others says, "Oh Plezzeer! Mr. ROBERT!" which both means, as my
yung French frend tells me, "Here's to our nex merry meeting!" but
that sounds more like a parting Toast with a bumper of good old Port
to drink it in, but I dezzay as he's right. But larst week I receeves
a most prumptery order from the LORD MARE, "to cum back to the City,
if it were ony for a week." So in coarse back I cums, and a grand
sort of a week we has all had on it! I shall fust begin with a reglar
staggerer of a dinner at the Manshun House on Munday, given, as I was
told, to all the Horthers and Hartists of Urope, who had jest bin a
holding of a Meeting to let ewerybody kno as how as they ment for to
have their rites in their hone ritings and picters, or they woodn't
rite no more, nor paint no more!

[Illustration]

My prefound estonishment may be more heasily described than conseeved
when I says as they was amost all Forreners of warious countries! so
that when I handed anythink werry speshal to sum on 'em they would
shake their heds and say, "No mercy!" or "Nine darnker!" as the case
mite be.

Well, so much for Monday. On Toosday I spent nearly the hole day at
Gildhall in surveyin, and criticisin, hay, and in one case, acshally
_tasting_ the wundrus collecshun of all kinds and condishuns of Frute
that the hole Country can perduce, that had been colleckted there!
I wunders how many of the tens of thousands who came to Gildhall to
see the temting sight, can say the same. But ewery wise perducer of
heatables or drinkables allus tries to captiwate the good opinyon of a
Hed Waiter. The hidear jest ocurs to my mind to ask at about what part
of the next Sentry the County Counsil will be a dewoting of their time
and money to a similar usefool purpuss! And hecco answers, Wen! The
uniwersal werdick of heverybody as was there agreed in saying, that
nothink like it in buty, and wariety, and size, wasn't never seen
nowheres before. And then came the werry natural enquiry, what on
airth's a going to be done with it all? And then came the equally
nateral answer, "The Fruiterers' Company is a going to send all the
werry best of it to the LORD MARE?" And then, "Hey, Presto!" as the
cunjurer says, and on Wensday evening there it was on the table at
another Grand Bankwet at the Manshun House, and quite a number of the
Fruiterers' Company a sitting a smiling at the LORD MARE's horspitable
table, and the werry head on 'em all, Sir JAMES WHITEHEAD, giving the
distingwished compny sitch a delightful acount of what they had bin
and gone and done, and was a going to do, as made ewerybody rejoice to
think that we had such a nobel Company as the Fruiterers' Company, and
such a prince of Masters to govern 'em. And I feels bound in honor to
say, that the black grapes was about the werry finest as ewer I ewer
tasted. ROBERT.

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: THE SHIELD AND THE SHADOW.]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: THE VICTIMS OF HIGH SPEED.

THE DREAM OF AN ANXIOUS CAPTAIN AFTER TEARING ACROSS THE
FISHING-GROUNDS OF NEWFOUNDLAND.]

       *       *       *       *       *

THE SHIELD AND THE SHADOW.

    ["Before the 'silent millions' who make up the rank and file
    of Hindoos discard the cruelties of their marriage system,
    their opinions, prejudices, and habits of thought must change.
    Nothing is more certain than that they will change slowly; but
    we hold to the belief that judicious legislation will hasten
    the process more powerfully than anything else."--_The "Times"
    on Child-Marriage and Enforced Widowhood in India_.]

  Yes, compassion is due to thee, India's young daughter;
    The sound of thy sorrow, thy plaint of despair
  Have reached English ears o'er the wide westward water,
    And sympathy stirred, seldom slumbering there.

  Child-Wife, or Child-Widow, in agony kneeling
    And clasping the skirts of the armed Island Queen,
  Her heart is not cold to thine urgent appealing;
    Considerate care in her glances is seen.

  Not hot as the urgings of zealotry heady
    The action of her who's protectrice and guide.
  Her stroke must be measured, her sympathy steady,
    Whose burden's as great as her power is wide.

  She stands, Ægis-armed, looked forth calm, reflective,
    Across the wide stretches of old Hindostan.
  The plains now subdued to her power protective,
    Saw politic AKBAR and sage SHAH JEHAN.

  If AKBAR was pitiful, Islam's great sworder,
    Shall she of the Ægis be less so than he?
  The marriage of widows he sanctioned, his order
    Three centuries since laid the ban on Suttee.

  And she, his successor, has rescued already
    The widow from fire, and the child from the flood;
  For mercy's her impulse, her policy steady
    Opposes the creed-thralls whose chrism is blood.

  And now the appeal of the Child-Widow reaches
    The ears ever open to misery's plaint.
  She _thinks_--for the sway of long centuries teaches
    That zeal should not hasten, and patience not faint.

  The child kneeling there at her skirts is the creature
    Of tyrannous ages of creed and of caste;
  She bears, helpless prey of the priest, on each feature.
    The pitiful brand of a pitiless past.

  Long-wrought, closely knit, subtly swaying, deep-rooted,
    The system whose shadow is over the child;
  By grey superstition debased and imbruted,
    By craft's callous cruelty deeply defiled.

  But long-swaying custom hath far-reaching issues,
    The hand that assails it doth ill to show haste.
  The knife that would search poor humanity's tissues,
    Hath healing for object, not ravage or waste.

  Not coldness, but coolness, sound policy pleads for,
    But, subject to that, human sympathies yearn
  To aid the child-victim the woman's heart bleeds for,
    For whom a man's breast with compassion must burn.

  Poor child! The dark shadow that closely pursues her
    Means menacing Terror; she sues for a shield,
  And how shall the strong Ægis-bearer refuse her?
    The bondage of caste to calm justice must yield.

  We dare not be deaf to the voice of the pleader
    For freedom and purity, nature and right;
  Let Wisdom, high-throned as controller and leader,
    Meet cruelty's steel with the shield of calm might!

       *       *       *       *       *

MY MOTHER BIDS ME DYE MY HAIR.

    [Auburn is said to be the present fashionable colour in hair.]

[Illustration: The Hazard of the Dye.]

  My Mother bids me dye my hair
    A lovely auburn hue,
  She says I ought to be aware
    It's quite the thing to do.

  "Why sit," she cries, "without a smile,
    Whilst others dance instead?"
  Alas! no partners ask me while
    My tresses are not red.

  When no one else at all is near,
    And I am quite alone,
  I sadly shed a bitter tear
    To think the Season's gone.

  But when the time again draws nigh,
    The time when maidens wed,
  I'm quite resolved to "do _and_ dye"--
    My tresses _shall_ be red!

       *       *       *       *       *

TO ENGELBERG AND BACK.

_BEING A FEW NOTES TAKEN EN ROUTE IN SEARCH OF A PERFECT CURE._

I don't exactly know how I got mixed up with it, but I found myself
somehow "fixed," as our American cousins would say, to join a party
who were going to see Old JEPHSON (the Q.C.), who had broken "down,"
or broken "up," or had gone through some mental and physical smashing
process or other, that necessitated an immediate recourse to mountain
air,--to where he could get it of the right sort and quality with
as little strain or tax on his somewhat shattered nerves as might be
compatible with a dash into the heart of Switzerland at the fag-end
of the swarming tourists' season. "Murren will be too high for him:
distinctly too high for him," thoughtfully observed the distinguished
specialist who had been called in, and had at once prescribed the
"air tonic" in question; "and the Burgenstock would be too low. His
condition requires an elevation of about 3500 feet. Let me see.
Ha! Engelberg is the place for him. My dear lady," he continued,
addressing Mrs. JEPHSON, who had already imbibed the theory that
every altitude, from Primrose Hill to Mont Blanc, suited its special
ailment, the only thing necessary being to hit on the right one, "My
dear lady, get your good husband to Engelberg at once. Write to HERR
CATTANI, Hotel Titlis, Engelberg, Unterwalden, asking what day he can
receive you (use my name), and then, as soon as you can possibly get
off, start. I can promise you it will do wonders for our patient."

[Illustration: Lit de Luxe!]

So, in about five days, we found ourselves, a party of six (including
young JERRYMAN, who said that, though he saw no difference between
Lucerne and Bayswater, except that Bayswater was a "howling
site bigger," he would come, "if only for the lark of seeing the
dilapidated old boy" (his way of referring to his invalid Q.C.
Uncle) "shovelled about the Bernese Oberland like a seedy Guy
Faux,") crossing the silver streak on that valued, steady-going,
and excellently well-found Channel friend, the _Calais-Douvres_. Of
course we made a fresh friend for life on board--one always does. We
counted up fifty-seven fresh friends for life we had made, one way
and another, on our way, before we got home again. This was a Dr.
MELCHISIDEC, who at once yielded his folding-chair to the Dilapidated
One, and, finding himself bound also for Engelberg, attached himself
as a sort of General-Director and Personal Conductor to our party.
"Had we got our tickets through COOK, and asked him to secure our
places in the train?" he inquired. "We had." "Ha! then it would be
all right." And it was. On our arriving at Calais, no crush, or
excitement, and fighting for places. We were met by three courteous,
military-looking officials, who talked four languages between them,
and ushered us to our "reserved" places. Royalty could not have fared
better. "You're all right with COOK," observed Dr. MELCHISIDEC. "He's
got a man everywhere; and, if there's any hitch, you've only got
to call him in. A clear case of too many Cooks _not_ spoiling the
broth." And so we found it. I had always hitherto considered Cook's
Excursionists as rather a comic institution, and as something to be
laughed at. Nothing of the sort. "Blessed be COOK!" say I. All I
know is, that we found his name a perfect tower of strength along
the entire route we traversed.

And now we were whirling along towards Basle in the rather stuffy
splendours provided for us by the Compagnie Internationale des Wagons
Lits, that reminded one, as much as anything of being fixed into
one's allotted place in a sort of gigantic Gladstone Bag--an illusion
assisted, no doubt, by the prominence of a deal of silver-plated
fittings, in the shape of knobs and door-handles, all somewhat
tarnished and dusty. True, the compartment, which gave on to a
corridor running the whole length of the carriage, was provided with
a table, an inkstand, a large pan for cigar-ash, and a colossal
spittoon; but as one had no immediate need of any of these things,
and they filled up the already sufficiently limited space, one was
strongly disposed, but for the presence of the military official of
the Wagons Lits who paced the corridor before alluded to, to pitch
them all out of the window then and there. But it was drawing on
towards seven o'clock, and the question of feeding naturally came to
the fore. How was the Dilapidated One to get his meal at Tergnier,
the place where the military official informed us we should find "an
excellent repast, 'ot, and ready, with plenty of time to dispose of
'im with every facility," waiting for us.

[Illustration: "C'est tout, Monsieur?"]

Young JERRYMAN suggested the luncheon-basket, which he saw an American
get through the other day, containing two pork sandwiches, nine
inches long; half a fowl, a couple of rolls, three peaches, a bunch
of grapes, a jam-tart, and a bottle of wine; but Dr. MELCHISIDEC put
his veto on this, and, looking at the Dilapidated One critically, as
if he was wondering how much he weighed, if it came to carrying him,
came in with a judicial "No! no! I think we can manage to get him to
the Buffet," which settled the matter; and with the announcement that
we had all of us "_vingt-trois minutes d'arrêt_," we found ourselves
stepping across the growing dusk of the platform, into the cheerful
and brightly-lighted Station _Restaurant_, where a capital and
comfortable meal, excellently served, was awaiting us. And, O ye
shades of Rugby, Swindon, Crewe, Grantham, and I know not what other
British Railway feeding centres, at which I have been harassed,
scalded, and finally hurried away unfed, would that you could take a
lesson from the admirable management, consideration for the digestion
of the hungry passengers, and general all-round thoughtfulness that
characterises the taking of that meal "_de voyage_" at Tergnier.

[Illustration: Nach Engelberg!

* To be continued till further notice.]

To begin with, you have about finished your soup, when a station
official appears at the door and informs all the feeding passengers
in an assuring and encouraging voice that they have "_encore dix-huit
minutes_"--as much as to say, "Pray, my dear Monsieur, or Madame,
as the case may be, do not hurry over that capital portion of _boeuf
braisé à l'Impériale_, but enjoy its full flavour at your perfect
leisure. There is not, pray believe me, the remotest occasion for any
excitement or hurry." A little later on, in your repast, when you are
just, perhaps, beginning to wonder whether you oughtn't to be thinking
about returning to the train, the good fairy official again appears at
the door, this time announcing that you have "_encore douze minutes_"
in the same encouraging tones, that seem to say, "Now, I beg you will
quite finish that excellent '_poulet_' and '_salade_.' Believe me, you
have ample time. Trust to me. I charge myself with the responsibility
of seeing that you catch your train calmly and comfortably;" which he
certainly does, looking in again as Madame comes round, and you pay
her her modest demand of three francs fifty for her excellently-cooked
and well-served repast (_vin compris_), with the final announcement
of, "_Maintenant en voiture, Mesdames et Messieurs_," that find you
comfortably seated in your place again, with three minutes to spare
before the departure of the train. But perhaps the best testimony to
the excellence of the management may be found in the fact that the
Dilapidated One was not only got out, but well fed, and put back in
his place, with a whole minute to spare, without any excitement,
or more than the usual expenditure of nerve-force required for the
undertaking.

"I will, when Monsieur desires it, make up the bed for 'im,"
volunteers the military officer, towards eleven o'clock; and, as
there isn't much going on, we say, "All right--we'll have it now;"
and we disport ourselves in the corridor, while he works a sort of
transformation in our Gladstone Bag compartment, which seems greatly
to diminish its "containing" capacity. Indeed, if it were not for the
floor, the ceiling, and the walls, one would hardly know where to stow
one's packages. _Le train de Luxe_ I know has come in, of late, for
some abuse, and some grumblers have made a dead set at it. I don't
know what their experience of a _lit de luxe_ may have been, but,
if it was anything like mine, they must have experienced a general
feeling of wanting about a foot more room every way, coupled with a
strong and morbid inclination to kick off roof, sides, back, and, in
fact, everything, so as, somehow, to secure it.

However, the night passed, the unceasing rattle of the train being
occasionally changed for the momentary dead stillness, when it
stopped, as it did now and then, at some small place on the way, for
apparently no better reason than that of pulling the station-master
out of bed to report it. Practically I was undisturbed, except at,
I think, a place called _Delle_, where, in the very small hours of
the morning, a gentleman opened the door of my bedroom _de Luxe_,
and asked me in a voice, in which melancholy and sleep seemed to be
struggling for the mastery, whether "I had any declaration I wished to
make to the Swiss _Douanes_," and on my assuring him that I had "none
whatever," he sadly and silently withdrew.

Nothing further till Basle, where we halted at 6 A.M. for breakfast
and a change of trains, and where I was much impressed with the
carrying power of the local porter, whom I met loaded with the
Dilapidated One's effects, apparently surprised that that "was all" he
was expected to take charge of. Lucerne in a blaze of stifling heat,
with struggling Yankee and British tourists being turned away from
the doors of all the hotels, so we were glad to get our telegram from
Herr CATTANI announcing that he was able to offer us rooms that he
had "disponible;" and at 3 P.M. we commenced our carriage-drive to
Engelberg. Towards five we quitted the plain and began the ascent.

       *       *       *       *       *

OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.

A promising series, so far, is this re-issue by Messrs. CHATTO
AND WINDUS of "_The Barber's Chair, Etc._," by DOUGLAS JERROLD;
"_Gulliver's Travels_, by DEAN SWIFT, _Etc._;" and SHERIDAN's Plays.
"Etc.," in both the first-mentioned books, forms a considerable
portion of each volume. "Etc.," in the first includes the _Hedgehog
Letters_, which are very Jerroldian; and in the second it means the
immortal _Tale of a Tub_, the _Battle of the Books_, and a fragment
from the Dean's correspondence.

[Illustration: Bound in Boards.]

The Baron begs to return thanks for an odd volume, one of privately
printed _opuscula_ of "_The Sette of Odd Volumes_," which has been
presented to him by the Author, Mr. WALTER HAMILTON, F.R.G.S.,
and F.R.H.S., who has the honour of filling the important post of
"Parodist" in the above-mentioned society or "Sette." This little odd
volume epitomises the Drama of England within the last three centuries
in most interesting fashion, without losing a single important point.
Why it should have fallen to the lot of the "Parodist to the Sette"
to do this, is only explained by the Sette being made up of Odd, very
odd, Volumes. What are their rules? Do they go "odd man out" to decide
who shall pay for the banquet? Must they dine in the daytime, because,
being an odd lot, they cannot sit down to dinner at eventide?

A list of the Odd members is given in the little book; but who cares
what, or who, the Odds are, as long as they each and all are happy?
'Tis a pity that, in this _multum in parvo_ of a book, the author
should have spoken disparagingly of "Glorious JOHN." It would be worth
while to refer to MACAULAY's _Dramatists of the Restoration_, and to
compare the licence of that age with that of SHAKSPEARE's time, when
a Virgin Queen, and not a Merry Monarch, was on the throne. And, when
we come to SHERIDAN's time, how about _The Duenna_, and _The Trip to
Scarborough_, which was supposed to be an improvement on the original?
However, _puris pura puerisque puellis_, as my excellent friend, Miss
MAXIMA DE BETUR observes. But one ought not to look a gift pony in the
mouth any more than one ought to critically examine a jest which is
passed off in good company. The jest was not meant to be criticised,
and the pony wasn't given you in order that you might critically
express an opinion on its age. If a pony--a very quiet, steady grey
pony--were presented as a mark of affection and esteem to the Baron,
he most certainly would _not_ inspect its mouth, seeing that he would
not be a tooth the wiser for the operation; but, if the Baron had
a friendly vet. or a hipposcientist at hand, he would certainly ask
_him_ to examine the gift cob before the Baron either drove or rode
him.

_Quo tendimus? In Latium?_ Verily, for the next work at hand is Mr.
HUTTON's _Monograph on Cardinal Newman_, which, of all the writings
about his Eminence that I've lately read, I can (says the Baron, in
one of his more severely sedate moods,) most confidently recommend to
general readers of all denominations, and of all shades of opinion,
whom Mr. HUTTON may address as "Friends, Romans, Countrymen!" That
learned Theban, "JOHN OLDCASTLE," has written an interesting Biography
of "The noblest Roman of them all," which forms a special number of
the _Merry England_ Magazine.

_Margaret Byng_, by F.C. PHILLIPS and FENDALL, is a clever sensational
story, spun out into two volumes, which can be devoured by the
accomplished novel-swallower in any two hours' train journey, and can
be highly recommended for this particular purpose. It would have been
better, because less expensive and more portable, had it been in one
volume; but the Baron strongly recommends it for the above space of
time in a train, or whenever you've nothing better to do, which will
happen occasionally even to the wisest and best of us. The secret is
very well kept to the end; and an expert in novel-reading can do the
first volume in three-quarters of an hour, and the next in half an
hour easily, and be none the worse for the _tour de force_, as he will
have amused and interested himself for the time being, will forget all
about it in an hour or so, and wonder what it was all about if at any
future time the name of the book should be mentioned in his hearing.
It's the sort of book that ought to be the size of a Tauchnitz
edition, in one volume only, and sold for a couple of shillings.

The facsimile of DICKENS's MS. of the _Christmas Carol_, published by
Messrs. ELLIOTT STOCK, is a happy thought for the coming Christmas,
and that Christmas _is_ coming is a matter about which publishers
within the next six weeks will not allow anyone to entertain the
shadow or the ghost of a doubt. What a good subject for a Christmas
story, _The Ghost of a Doubt; or, The Shadow of a Reason_! "Methinks,"
quoth the Baron, "it would be as well to register these two titles
and couple of subjects before anyone seizes them as his own." Most
interesting is this facsimile MS., showing how DICKENS wrote it,
corrected it, and polished it up. Though, that this was the only MS.
of this work, the Baron doubts. It may have been the only complete
MS., but where are all the notes, rough or smooth, of the inspirations
as they occurred? Those, the germs of this story or of any story,
would be the most interesting of all; that is, to the confraternity of
Authors. There is a pleasant preface, lively, of course, it should be,
as coming from a Kitten who might have given us a catty-logue of the
works of DICKENS in his possession.

"Thank you, Mr. B.L. FARJEON," says the Baron, "for a clever little
novel called _A Very Young Couple_." Perhaps it might have been
a trifle shorter than it is with advantage; and, if it had been
published in that still more pocketable form which has made the
Routledgean series of portable-readables so popular with the Baron,
and those who are guided by his advice, the book would be still
better. As it is, it is clever, because the astute novel-reader at
once discards the real and only solution of the mystery as far too
commonplace, and this solution is _the_ one which Mr. FARJEON has
adopted. It is the expected-unexpected that happens in this case, and
the astute reader is particularly pleased with himself, because he
finishes by saying, "I knew how it would be, all along."

BARON DE BOOK-WORMS.

       *       *       *       *       *




MR. PUNCH'S DICTIONARY OF PHRASES.

DURING A VISIT.

"_Pray don't move;_" i.e., "He will be a brute if he doesn't."

"_I hope I am not disturbing you;_" i.e., "I don't care the least if
I am."

"_What a delightful volume of poems your last is!_" i.e., "Haven't
read one of them; but he won't find it out."

"_So much in your new book that is interesting about those dear
Japanese;_" i.e., "Glad I happened to glance at that page."

"_Do tell me when you next lecture. Wouldn't miss it for worlds!_"
i.e., "Wild horses would not drag me there."

"So _sorry you are going. Mind you come and stay with us again_ very
_soon;_" i.e., "Unless she comes without an invitation, she is not
likely to cross _this_ threshold again."

       *       *       *       *       *

INCOMPREHENSIBLE!--At the dinner given by the LORD MAYOR, a few days
since, to the representatives of Art and Literature of all nations,
a linguist, who is believed to understand seventeen languages, made a
speech in the eighteenth!

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: OUR COMPATRIOTS ABROAD.

SCENE--_A Table d'hôte._

_Aristocratic English Lady_ (_full of diplomatic relations_). "A--CAN
YOU TELL ME IF THERE IS A RESIDENT BRITISH MINISTER HERE?"

_Scotch Tourist_. "WELL, I'M NOT JUST QUITE SURE--BUT I'M TOLD THERE'S
AN EXCELLENT PRESBYTERIAN SERVICE EVERY SUNDAY!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

A FAMILY QUESTION.

A SONG FOR THE SITUATION.

AIR--"_THE CHESAPEAKE AND THE SHANNON_."

  MCKINLEY, brave and bold, as the universe is told,
    Brought forth his Tariff Bill so neat and handy, O!
  And true patriots, everyone thought the business splendid fun,
    With their music playing Yankee-doodle dandy, O!
      Yankee-doodle, Yankee-doodle dandy. O!
  The patriots came running, and admired MCKINLEY's cunning,
      In the interests of Yankee-doodle dandy, O!

  The Britisher might blame the new Economic game,
    _That_ only fired the Yankee like neat brandy, O!
  If J.B. should be stone-broke by MCKINLEY's master-stroke,
    _Tant mieux_, my boys, for Yankee-doodle dandy, O!
      Yankee-doodle, Yankee-doodle dandy, O!
  The measure is a lark, it _may_ transfer the British market
      To the able hands of Yankee-doodle dandy, O!

  The fight has scarce begun, and the Yank has seen the fun
    Of the rush of freighted vessels to be handy, O!
  Just in time for the old duties; they competed, like young beauties
    For the smile of some young roving Royal dandy, O!
      Yankee-doodle, Yankee-doodle dandy, O!
  They knew there'd be a scare if the ships didn't dodge the Tariff,
      The New Tariff dear to Yankee-doodle dandy, O!

  The _Etruria_ and _Zaandam_ found the business quite a flam,
    The _Thingvalla_, in good time, was not quite handy, O!
  Whilst some sugar-laden ships found they'd wholly missed their tips,
    To the merriment of Yankee-doodle dandy, O!
      Yankee-doodle, Yankee-doodle dandy, O!
  Yet the prudent thoughts are giving to the "increased cost of living,"
      Home-expenses burden Yankee-doodle dandy, O!

  Miss COLUMBIA and her "Ma" have a fancy that Pap-pa,
    At raising "worsted-stuffs" has been too handy, O!
  Fifty per cent. on frocks, upon petticoats and socks,
    Scares the women-folk of Yankee doodle dandy, O!
      Yankee doodle, Yankee doodle dandy, O!
  "Taxing the Briti_sher_" may yet create a stir
      In the Home-affairs of Yankee doodle dandy, O!

  Pennsylvania will rejoice, but a sort of still small voice
    In the ear of Uncle SAM may sound quite handy, O!
  Wall Street may feel smart shocks at the lowering of Stocks,
    And _will_ "Tin-plates" comfort Yankee doodle dandy, O?
      Yankee doodle, Yankee doodle, dandy O!
  Lower Stocks by raising "Stockings" Ah, methinks I hear the "Shockings"!
      Of the women-folk of Yankee-doodle dandy, O!

  Howsoever that may fare, let JOHN BULL keep on his hair,
    And Miss CANADA with flouts be not too handy, O!
  Common sense is safe commander, and we need not raise our dander
    At the Tariff tricks of Yankee doodle dandy, O!
      Yankee doodle! Yankee doodle dandy, O!
  And may it ever prove in trade fights, _or_ brotherly love,
      BULL can keep upsides with Yankee doodle dandy, O!

       *       *       *       *       *

"CHARGE, CHESTER, CHARGE!"--The _Times_ reports that at Chester
County Court last week, Mr. STAVELEY HILL, Q.C, M.P., Judge Advocate
of the Fleet, was summoned for £25--for goods supplied, and that the
claim was unsuccessfully contested on the score that it was barred by
the Statute of Limitations. Mr. SEGAR, who represented the Plaintiff,
said that the Defendant was "wrong in his law," and Judge Sir HORATIO
LLOYD assented to the proposition by giving a verdict for the full
amount claimed. From this it would appear that there was "no valley"
(as a Cockney would say) in the point of the Hill--the Judge Advocate
of the Fleet being on this occasion, if not in his native element, at
any rate, "quite at sea!"

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: A FAMILY QUESTION.

Miss COLUMBIA. "SAY, PAP-PA, WON'T THAT BILL RILE THE BRITISHERS,
SOME? ANYHOW, GUESS YOU'LL HAVE TO SHELL OUT PRETTY CONSIDERABLE ALL
ROUND--_AT HOME!!_'"]

       *       *       *       *       *

ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS.

STEAM-ROLLING EXPERIENCES.--That you should have endeavoured to have
turned the birthday-gift of your eccentric nephews to account, and
made an offer to the Municipality of West Bloxham to "set" the High
Street for them by going over it with the seventeen-ton steam-roller,
with which your youthful relatives had presented you, was only a
nice and generous impulse on your part; and it is undeniably a great
pity that, owing to your not fully understanding the working of the
machine, you should have torn away the front of three of the principal
shops, finally going through the floor of a fourth, and getting
yourself apparently permanently embedded in a position from which
you cannot extricate yourself, in the very centre of the leading
thoroughfare. Your idea of getting out of the difficulty by presenting
the steam-roller then and there to the Borough was a happy one, and
it is to be regretted that, under the circumstances, they felt no
inclination to accept your offer. Their threat of further proceedings
against you unless you take immediate steps to remove your machine,
though, perhaps, to be expected, is certainly a little unhandsome.
Perhaps your best plan will be to try and start your Steam-roller as a
"Suburban Omnibus Company," as you propose. Certainly secure that Duke
you mention for Chairman, and, with one or two good City names on the
Directorate, it is possible you may be successful in your efforts to
float the affair.

Meantime, since the proprietor of the premises in which your
Steam-roller has fixed itself refuses to allow you to try to remove it
by dynamite, leave it where it is. Put the whole matter into the hands
of a sharp local lawyer, and go on to the Continent until it has blown
over.

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: A HERO "FIN DE SIÈCLE."

_Podgers_ (_of Sandboys Golf Club_). "MY DEAR MISS ROBINSON, GOLF'S
THE ONLY GAME NOWADAYS FOR THE _MEN_. LAWN-TENNIS IS ALL VERY WELL FOR
YOU _GIRLS_, YOU KNOW."]

       *       *       *       *       *

HIGHWAYS AND LOW WAYS.

There is evidently all the difference in the world between "The King's
Highway"--of song--and the Kingsland highway--of fact. Song says all
is equal to--

  "High and low on the King's highway."

Experience teaches that a sober citizen traversing the highway
unfavourably known as the Kingsland Road, is liable to be tripped
up, robbed and thumped senseless by organised gangs of Kingsland
roughs. It seems doubtful whether Neapolitan banditti or Australian
bush-whackers are much worse than these Cockney ruffians, these
vulgar, vicious and villanous "Knights of the (Kingsland) Road." Is it
not high time that the local authorities--and the local police--looked
to this particular "highway," which seems so much more like a "byway"
not to say a "by-word and a reproach" to a city suburb?

       *       *       *       *       *

A CASE FOR THE SURGEONS.--Mrs. Ramsbotham, who has a great respect
for the attainments of Members of the Medical profession, cannot
understand why Army Doctors should be called "non-competents."

       *       *       *       *       *

THE MODERN MILKMAID'S SONG.

(AT THE DAIRY SHOW.)

_AN EXTRACT FROM THE "COMPLETE ANGLER" OF THE FUTURE._

_Piscator_, MAUDLIN, I pray you, do us the courtesy to sing a song
concerning your late visit to London.

MAUDLIN _sings_:--

  Come live with me and be my love,
  And we will all the pleasures prove,
  That come in competition's field
  From reckoning up the Shorthorn's "yield."

  To Town we'll come in modish frocks,
  Where swells appraise our herds and flocks,
  By days "in profit" great or small,
  All in the Agricultural Hall.

  Cockneys shall come and poke their noses
  Into our churns as sweet as roses;
  And to quiz MAUDLIN in clean kirtle
  The toffs of Town will crush and hurtle.

  You'll see the Queen, of pride chock-full,
  Take first prize with her Shorthorn bull;
  Dr. H. WATNEY, of Buckhold,
  With "Cleopatra" hit the gold.

  A medal or a champion cup
  For cheese to munch, or cream to sup,
  Are pleasures rural souls to move,
  So live with me and be my love.

  Butter and eggs, milch cows and churns,
  With cattle foods shall take their turns;
  If Dairy Shows thy mind have won,
  Then come with me to Islington.

_Viator_. Trust me, Master, it is an apt song, and archly sung by
modish MAUDLIN. I'll bestow a bucolic Cockney's wish upon her, _that
she may live to marry a Competitive Dairyman, and have good store of
champion cups and first prizes stuck about her best parlour._

       *       *       *       *       *

A LICENCE FOR LORDS.

    [At the Blackheath Petty Sessions, Mr. LAWLESS, stated that
    the Trafalgar Hotel, belonged to the Lords of the Admiralty,
    and asked the Bench to transfer the licence to the resident
    caretaker.

    Captain ROBERTSON-SHERSBY, J.P.: Why not transfer it to the
    First Lord of the Admiralty? Are there no whitebait dinners
    held there?

    Mr. LAWLESS said that he was afraid that the days of whitebait
    dinners were over.

    The Bench, finding the Admiralty held the hotel for charitable
    purposes, granted the application.]

  Come, landsmen, give ear to my ditty,
    I'll make it as short as I can.
  There was once--was it London?--a city
    Which stretched from Beersheba to Dan.
  Of course that is gammon and spinach,
    Or, to put it correctly, a joke.
  It extended from Richmond to Greenwich,
    This city of darkness and smoke.

  It had sailors who ruled o'er the ocean,
    And sat all the day upon Boards,
  And described, with delightful emotion,
    Themselves and their colleagues as "Lords."
  They had tubes that were always exploding,
    And boilers that never were right,
  But had all got a trick of exploding,
    And blowing a crew out of sight.

  They had docks (and, alas! they had dockers),
    They had ships that kept sinking like stones,
  Which resulted in filling the lockers
    Provided below by D. JONES.
  Of their country these lineal successors
    Of NELSON deserved very well,
  When at last they became the possessors
    Of an old fully-licensed hotel.

  And they made up a case which was flawless,
    For the Sessions that sat at Blackheath,
  And they sent--which was strange--Mr. LAWLESS,
    Who was crammed full of law to the teeth.
  "The days when we all lived in clover,
    With whitebait, can never revive,
  I assure you," said LAWLESS, "they're over,
    But, oh, keep the licence alive."

  But the Bench, when they heard him, grew bolder--
    "Make it out to George Hamilton--he
  Is the man who should figure as holder,"
    Said ROBERTSON-SHERSBY, J.P.
  Just to think of the head of the Navy,
    The proudest and strongest afloat,
  Cutting joints or distributing gravy,
    First Lord of his own _table d'hôte!_

  Will their Charity be a beginner
    At home? Will they dine there each day,
  These Lords, on a succulent dinner,
    Free, gratis, and nothing to pay?
  Well, well, though we'd rather prefer ships
    That burst not, we'll take what they give.
  So we offer our thanks to their Worships
    For permitting the licence to live.

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: AMUSEMENTS FOR THE GALLERY--AND THE MOB!]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: "BEG PARDON, SIR! BUT IF YOU WAS TO AIM _AT_ HIS
LORDSHIP THE NEXT TIME, I THINK HE'D FEEL MORE COMFORBLER, SIR!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

MR. PUNCH'S PRIZE NOVELS.

NO. III.--JOANNA OF THE CROSS WAYS.

(_BY_ GEORGE VERIMYTH, _AUTHOR OF "RICHARD'S SEVERAL EDITIONS," "THE
APHORIST," "SHAMPOO'S SHAVING-POT."_)

    [With this story came a long, explanatory letter. The story,
    however, is itself so clear and easy to understand (as is all
    the work of this master), that the accompanying commentary is
    unnecessary.]

CHAPTER I.

In the earlier portion of the lives of all of us there is a time,
heaven-given without doubt, for all things, as we know, draw their
origin thence, if only in our blundering, ill-conditioned way we trace
them back far enough with the finger of fate pointing to us as in
mockery of all striving of ours on this rough bosom of our mother
earth, a time there comes when the senses rebel, first faintly, and
then with ever-increasing vehemence, panting, beating, buffeting and
breasting the torrent of necessity, against the parental decree that
would drench our inmost being in the remedial powder of a Gregorian
doctor, famous, I doubt not, in his day, and much bepraised by them
that walked delicately in the light of pure reason and the healthful
flow of an untainted soul, but now cast out and abhorred of childhood
soaring on uplifted wing through the vast blue of the modern
pharmacopoeia. Yet to them is there not comfort too in the symbolic
outpourings of a primæval wisdom which, embodied for all time in
imperishable verse, are chanted in the haunts of the very young like
the soft lappings of the incoming tide on a beach where rounded pebble
disputes with shining sand the mastery of the foreshore?

[Illustration]

So, too, while the infant chariot with its slow motion of treble
wheels advances obedient to the hand of the wimpled maid who from
the rear directs its ambiguous progress, the dozing occupant may not
always understand, but, hearing, cannot fail to be moved to tears by
the simple tale of JOANNA crossed in all her depth and scope of free
vigorous life by him that should have stood her friend. For the man
had wedded her. Of that there can be no doubt, since the chronicles
have handed down the date of it. Wedded her with the fatal "yes" that
binds a trusting soul in the world's chains. A man, too. A reckless,
mutton-munching, beer-swilling animal! And yet a man. A dear,
brave, human heart, as it should have been; capable, it may be,
of unselfishness and devotion; but, alas! how sadly twisted to the
devil's purposes on earth, an image of perpetual chatter, like the
putty-faced street-pictures of morning soapsuds. His names stand in
full in the verse. JOHN, shortened familiarly, but not without a hint
of contempt, to JACK, stares at you in all the bravery of a Christian
name. And SPRATT follows with a breath of musty antiquity. SPRATT
that is indeed a SPRATT, sunk in the oil of a slothful imagination
and bearing no impress of the sirname that should raise its owner to
cloudy peaks of despotic magnificence.

But of the lady's names no hint is given. We may conjecture SPRATT
to have been hers too, poor young soul that should have been dancing
instead of fastened to a table in front of an eternal platter. And of
all names to precede it the fittest surely is JOANNA. For what is that
but the glorification with many feminine thrills of the unromantic
chawbacon JOHN masticating at home in semi-privacy the husks of
contentment, the lean scrapings of the divine dish which is offered
once in every life to all. So JOANNA she shall be and is, and as
JOANNA shall her story be told.

CHAPTER II.

Many are the tales concerning JOANNA's flashing wit. There appeared
many years back, in a modest shape that excited small interest amongst
the reviewing herd, a booklet whereof the title furnished little
if any indication to the contents. _The Spinster's Reticule_, for
so the name ran, came forth with no blare of journalistic trumpets
challenging approval from the towers of critical sagacity. It appeared
and lived. But between its cardboard covers the bruised heart of
JOANNA beats before the world. She shines most in these aphorisms. Her
private talk, too, has its own brilliancy, spun, as it was here and
there, out of a museful mind at the cooking of the dinner or of the
family accounts. She said of love that "it is the sputter of grease
in a frying-pan; where it falls the fire burns with a higher flame
to consume it."[1] Of man, that "he may navigate Mormon Bay, but he
cannot sail to Khiva Point." The meaning is too obvious it may be, but
the thought is well imaged.

She is delightful when she touches on life. "Two," she says, "may
sit at a feast, but the feast is not thereby doubled." And, again,
"Passion may lift us to Himalaya heights, but the hams are smoked in a
chimney." And this of the soul, "He who fashions a waterproof prevents
not the clouds from dripping moisture." Of stockings she observes
that, "The knitting-needles are long, but the turn of the heel is a
teaser." Here there is a delightful irony of which matrons and maids
may take note.

Such, then, was our JOANNA--JOANNA MERESIA SPRATT, to give her that
full name by which posterity is to know her--an ardent, bubbling,
bacon-loving girl-nature, with hands reaching from earth to the stars,
that blinked egregiously at the sight of her innocent beauty, and hid
themselves in winding clouds for very love of her.

CHAPTER III.

Sir JOHN SPRATT had fashions that were peculiarly his own. Vain it
were to inquire how, from the long-perished SPRATTS that went before
him, he drew that form of human mind which was his. Laws that are
hidden from our prying eyes ordain that a man shall be the visible
exemplar of vanished ages, offering here and there a hook of
remembrance, on which a philosopher may hang a theory for the world's
admiring gaze. Far back in the misty past, of which the fabulists
bear record, there have swum SPRATTS within this human ocean, and of
these the ultimate and proudest was he with whose life-story we are
concerned. It was his habit to carry with him on all journeys a bulky
note-book, the store in which he laid by for occasions of use the
thoughts that thronged upon him, now feverishly, as with the exultant
leap of a rough-coated canine companion, released from the thraldom
of chain and kennel, and eager to seek the Serpentine haunts of
water-nymphs, and of sticks that fell with a splash, and are brought
back time and again whilst the shaken spray bedews the onlookers; now
with the staid and solemn progression that is beloved of the equine
drawers of four-wheeled chariots, protesting with many growls against
a load of occupants.

He had met JOANNA. They had conversed. "An empty table, is it not?"
said she. "Nowhere!" said he, and they proceeded. His "Nowhere!" had
a penetrating significance--the more significant for the sense that it
left vague.

And so the marriage was arranged, the word that was to make one of
those who had hitherto been two had been spoken, and the celebrating
gifts came pouring in to the pair.

Sir JOHN walked home with triumph swelling high in his heart. Overhead
the storm-clouds gathered ominously. First with a patter, then with
a drenching flood, the prisoned rain burst its bars, and dashed
clamouring down to the free earth. He paused, umbrellaless, under
a glimmering lamp-post. The hurrying steeds of a carriage, passing
at great speed, dashed the gathered slush of the street over his
dark-blue Melton over-coat. The imprecations of the coachman and his
jeers mingled strangely with the elemental roar. Sir JOHN heeded
them not. He stood moveless for a space, then slowly drawing forth
his note-book, and sharpening his pencil, he wrote the following
phrase:--"Laid _Brother to Banjo_, one, two, three, 5 to 4."

CHAPTER IV.

A year had gone by, and with the spring that whispered softly in
the blossoming hedge-rows, and the melancholy cry of the female
fowl calling to her downy brood, JOANNA had learnt new lessons of a
beneficent life, and had crystallised them in aphorisms, shaken like
dew from the morning leaf of her teeming fancy.

They sat at table together. BINNS, the butler, who himself dabbled in
aphorism, and had sucked wisdom from the privy perusal of Sir JOHN's
note-book, had laid before them a dish on which reposed a small but
well-boiled leg of one that had trod the Southdowns but a week before
in all the pride of lusty life. There was a silence for a moment.

"You will, as usual, take the fat?" queried Sir JOHN.

"Lean for me to-day," retorted JOANNA, with one of her bright flashes.

"Nay, nay," said her husband, "that were against tradition, which
assigns to you the fat."

JOANNA pouted. Her mind rebelled against dictation. Besides, were not
her aphorisms superior to those of her husband? The cold face of Sir
JOHN grew eloquent in protest. She paused, and then with one wave of
her stately arm swept mutton, platter, knife, fork, and caper sauce
into the lap of Sir JOHN, whence the astonished BINNS, gasping in
pain, with much labour rescued them. JOANNA had disappeared in a
flame of mocking laughter, and was heard above calling on her maid
for salts. But Sir JOHN ere yet the sauce had been fairly scraped
from him, unclasped his note-book, and with trembling fingers wrote
therein, "POOLE's master-pieces are ever at the mercy of an angry
woman."

CHAPTER V.

But the world is hard, and there was little mercy shown for JOANNA's
freak. Her husband had slain her. That was all. She with her flashes,
her gaiety, her laughter, was consigned to dust. But in Sir JOHN's
note-book it was written that, "The hob-nailed boot is but a bungling
weapon. The drawing-room poker is better."

THE END.

[Footnote 1: I guarantee all these remarks to be intensely humorous
and brilliant. If you can't see it, so much the worse for you. They
are _screamers_.--G.V.]

       *       *       *       *       *

"THE GRASSHOPPERA" AT THE LYRIC.

[Illustration: "Turned on the Toe."--_Shakspeare_.]

Nothing prettier than _La Cigale_ at the Lyric Theatre has been seen
in London for a very long time. The dresses are perfect, and the
three stage pictures which illustrate the graceful story could not be
better. Then the book is admittedly a model libretto, set to music
at once fresh and charming. What more could be desired? Why capable
exponents. Here, again, Mr. SEDGER is in luck's way. With Miss
GERALDINE ULMAR as the Grasshopper, and Miss EFFIE CLEMENTS as the
Ant, who could ask for more? Without replying to the question, it may
be said at once that "more" is excellently represented by Mr. ERIC
LEWIS as a Duke, Mr. LIONEL BROUGH as a Landlord (by the way the Uncle
of the Ant), and Mr. E.W. GARDEN as the Bill of the Play. Perhaps on
the first night the CHEVALIER SCOVEL as the _Chevalier de Bernheim_
was not quite at home in his new surroundings. Accustomed to a more
serious kind of entertainment, he appeared a trifle heavy, and his
tenor notes (not unsuggestive of the Bank of Elegance) were sometimes
of doubtful value. By this time, however, no doubt, he has regained
his normal composure, and sings as successfully as any of his
colleagues.

After the last Act everyone was called, inclusive of the composers
and the author; the latter, being at that very moment on his way to
France, could not respond to the hearty applause with which his name
was greeted, and must accordingly await the personal congratulations
of the audience until his return from foreign parts. Mr. CARYLL who
had done so much to musically illustrate the Christmas Tree Scene
(thus meriting the title of Mr. CHRISTMAS CARYLL), was also not to be
found when wanted, and so the Sole Lessee and Manager had nothing more
to do than return thanks for all concerned, and make up his mind to a
run that seems likely to keep him on his legs until Easter.

       *       *       *       *       *

TO MR. STANLEY.

    [At a meeting of the Cardiff Corporation on Tuesday, October
    7, a letter was read from Mr. H.M. STANLEY stating, that he
    would be unable to fulfil his engagement to visit Cardiff and
    accept the freedom of the borough. All preparation for the
    ceremony had been made, and a costly silver casket, which
    is now useless, was specially ordered. Mr. STANLEY's excuse
    was pressure of business in preparing for his American
    tour.--_Daily Paper_.]

  The Council at Cardiff looked angry and glum,
    Their chagrin was so great it was useless to mask it,
  They had only just heard you were not going to come,
    And alack! and alas! they had ordered the casket!

  The address had been settled; the language was tall,
    The phrases were apt and so beautifully rounded,
  They had told of your pluck so well known to us all,
    And your praises, of course, they had suitably sounded.

  And then you can't come!--But it scarcely avails
    To become of excuses a common concocter,
  For if "pressure of business" will keep you from Wales,
    Why go down to Cambridge to pose as a Doctor?

  Yes, think once again of your promise, and so
    Just alter your mind, it would be much too hard if
  You left unfulfilled your engagement to go
    And receive (in a casket) the Freedom of Cardiff.

       *       *       *       *       *

NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS.,
Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no
case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed
Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.








End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol.
99, October 18, 1890, by Various

*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***

***** This file should be named 12395-8.txt or 12395-8.zip *****
This and all associated files of various formats will be found in:
        https://www.gutenberg.org/1/2/3/9/12395/

Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the
Online Distributed Proofreading Team.


Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions
will be renamed.

Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no
one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation
(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without
permission and without paying copyright royalties.  Special rules,
set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to
copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to
protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark.  Project
Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you
charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission.  If you
do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the
rules is very easy.  You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose
such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and
research.  They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do
practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks.  Redistribution is
subject to the trademark license, especially commercial
redistribution.



*** START: FULL LICENSE ***

THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE
PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK

To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free
distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work
(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project
Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project
Gutenberg-tm License (available with this file or online at
https://gutenberg.org/license).


Section 1.  General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm
electronic works

1.A.  By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm
electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to
and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property
(trademark/copyright) agreement.  If you do not agree to abide by all
the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy
all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession.
If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project
Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the
terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or
entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8.

1.B.  "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark.  It may only be
used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who
agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement.  There are a few
things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works
even without complying with the full terms of this agreement.  See
paragraph 1.C below.  There are a lot of things you can do with Project
Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement
and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
works.  See paragraph 1.E below.

1.C.  The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the Foundation"
or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project
Gutenberg-tm electronic works.  Nearly all the individual works in the
collection are in the public domain in the United States.  If an
individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are
located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from
copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative
works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg
are removed.  Of course, we hope that you will support the Project
Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by
freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of
this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with
the work.  You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by
keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project
Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others.

1.D.  The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern
what you can do with this work.  Copyright laws in most countries are in
a constant state of change.  If you are outside the United States, check
the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement
before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or
creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project
Gutenberg-tm work.  The Foundation makes no representations concerning
the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United
States.

1.E.  Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg:

1.E.1.  The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate
access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently
whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the
phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the phrase "Project
Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed,
copied or distributed:

This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org

1.E.2.  If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived
from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is
posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied
and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees
or charges.  If you are redistributing or providing access to a work
with the phrase "Project Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the
work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1
through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the
Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or
1.E.9.

1.E.3.  If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted
with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution
must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional
terms imposed by the copyright holder.  Additional terms will be linked
to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the
permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work.

1.E.4.  Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm
License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this
work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm.

1.E.5.  Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this
electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without
prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with
active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project
Gutenberg-tm License.

1.E.6.  You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary,
compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any
word processing or hypertext form.  However, if you provide access to or
distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than
"Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official version
posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org),
you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a
copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon
request, of the work in its original "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other
form.  Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm
License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1.

1.E.7.  Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying,
performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works
unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9.

1.E.8.  You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing
access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided
that

- You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from
     the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method
     you already use to calculate your applicable taxes.  The fee is
     owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he
     has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the
     Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation.  Royalty payments
     must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you
     prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax
     returns.  Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and
     sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the
     address specified in Section 4, "Information about donations to
     the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation."

- You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies
     you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he
     does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm
     License.  You must require such a user to return or
     destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium
     and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of
     Project Gutenberg-tm works.

- You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any
     money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the
     electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days
     of receipt of the work.

- You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free
     distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works.

1.E.9.  If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm
electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set
forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from
both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael
Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark.  Contact the
Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below.

1.F.

1.F.1.  Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable
effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread
public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm
collection.  Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain
"Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or
corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual
property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a
computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by
your equipment.

1.F.2.  LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right
of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project
Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project
Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project
Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all
liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal
fees.  YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT
LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE
PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH F3.  YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE
TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE
LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR
INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH
DAMAGE.

1.F.3.  LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a
defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can
receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a
written explanation to the person you received the work from.  If you
received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with
your written explanation.  The person or entity that provided you with
the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a
refund.  If you received the work electronically, the person or entity
providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to
receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund.  If the second copy
is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further
opportunities to fix the problem.

1.F.4.  Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth
in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS' WITH NO OTHER
WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO
WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTIBILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE.

1.F.5.  Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied
warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages.
If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the
law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be
interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by
the applicable state law.  The invalidity or unenforceability of any
provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions.

1.F.6.  INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the
trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone
providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance
with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production,
promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works,
harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees,
that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do
or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm
work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any
Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause.


Section  2.  Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm

Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of
electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers
including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers.  It exists
because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from
people in all walks of life.

Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the
assistance they need, is critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's
goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will
remain freely available for generations to come.  In 2001, the Project
Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure
and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations.
To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation
and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4
and the Foundation web page at https://www.pglaf.org.


Section 3.  Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive
Foundation

The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit
501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the
state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal
Revenue Service.  The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification
number is 64-6221541.  Its 501(c)(3) letter is posted at
https://pglaf.org/fundraising.  Contributions to the Project Gutenberg
Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent
permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws.

The Foundation's principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S.
Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered
throughout numerous locations.  Its business office is located at
809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887, email
[email protected].  Email contact links and up to date contact
information can be found at the Foundation's web site and official
page at https://pglaf.org

For additional contact information:
     Dr. Gregory B. Newby
     Chief Executive and Director
     [email protected]

Section 4.  Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg
Literary Archive Foundation

Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide
spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of
increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be
freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest
array of equipment including outdated equipment.  Many small donations
($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt
status with the IRS.

The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating
charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United
States.  Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a
considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up
with these requirements.  We do not solicit donations in locations
where we have not received written confirmation of compliance.  To
SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any
particular state visit https://pglaf.org

While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we
have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition
against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who
approach us with offers to donate.

International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make
any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from
outside the United States.  U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff.

Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation
methods and addresses.  Donations are accepted in a number of other
ways including including checks, online payments and credit card
donations.  To donate, please visit: https://pglaf.org/donate


Section 5.  General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
works.

Professor Michael S. Hart was the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm
concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared
with anyone.  For thirty years, he produced and distributed Project
Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support.

Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed
editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S.
unless a copyright notice is included.  Thus, we do not necessarily
keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition.

Each eBook is in a subdirectory of the same number as the eBook's
eBook number, often in several formats including plain vanilla ASCII,
compressed (zipped), HTML and others.

Corrected EDITIONS of our eBooks replace the old file and take over
the old filename and etext number.  The replaced older file is renamed.
VERSIONS based on separate sources are treated as new eBooks receiving
new filenames and etext numbers.

Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility:

     https://www.gutenberg.org

This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm,
including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary
Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to
subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks.

EBooks posted prior to November 2003, with eBook numbers BELOW #10000,
are filed in directories based on their release date.  If you want to
download any of these eBooks directly, rather than using the regular
search system you may utilize the following addresses and just
download by the etext year.

     https://www.gutenberg.org/etext06

    (Or /etext 05, 04, 03, 02, 01, 00, 99,
     98, 97, 96, 95, 94, 93, 92, 92, 91 or 90)

EBooks posted since November 2003, with etext numbers OVER #10000, are
filed in a different way.  The year of a release date is no longer part
of the directory path.  The path is based on the etext number (which is
identical to the filename).  The path to the file is made up of single
digits corresponding to all but the last digit in the filename.  For
example an eBook of filename 10234 would be found at:

     https://www.gutenberg.org/1/0/2/3/10234

or filename 24689 would be found at:
     https://www.gutenberg.org/2/4/6/8/24689

An alternative method of locating eBooks:
     https://www.gutenberg.org/GUTINDEX.ALL