The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 99.,
Dec. 20, 1890, by Various
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Title: Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 99., Dec. 20, 1890
Author: Various
Release Date: July 16, 2004 [EBook #12917]
Language: English
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PUNCH,
OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
VOL. 99.
December 20, 1890.
VOCES POPULI.
THE RIDING-CLASS.
SCENE--_A Riding-school, on a raw chilly afternoon. The gas is
lighted, but does not lend much cheerfulness to the interior,
which is bare and bleak, and pervaded by a bluish haze.
Members of the Class discovered standing about on the tan,
waiting for their horses to be brought in. At the further end
is an alcove, with a small balcony, in which Mrs. BILBOW-KAY,
the Mother of one of the Equestrians, is seated with a young
female Friend._
_Mrs. Bilbow-Kay._ Oh, ROBERT used to ride very nicely indeed when
he was a boy; but he has been out of practice lately, and so, as the
Doctor ordered him horse-exercise, I thought it would be wiser for
him to take a few lessons. Such an excellent change for any one with
sedentary pursuits!
[Illustration]
_The Friend._ But isn't riding a sedentary pursuit, too?
_Mrs. B.-K._ ROBERT says _he_ doesn't find it so.
[_Enter the Riding Master._
_Riding Master_ (_saluting with cane_). Evenin', Gentlemen--your
'orses will be in directly; 'ope we shall see some _ridin'_ this time.
(_Clatter without; enter Stablemen with horses._) Let me see--Mr.
BILBOW-KAY, Sir, you'd better ride the _Shar_; he ain't been out all
day, so he'll want some 'andling. (_Mr. B.-K., with a sickly smile,
accepts a tall and lively horse._) No, Mr. TONGS, that ain't _your_
'orse to-day--you've got beyond _'im_, Sir. We'll put you up on _Lady
Loo_; she's a bit rough till you get on terms with her, but you'll
be all right on her after a bit. Yes, Mr. JOGGLES, Sir, you take
_Kangaroo_, please. Mr. BUMPAS, I've 'ad the _Artful Dodger_ out for
you; and mind he don't get rid of you so easy as he did Mr. GRIPPER
last time. Got a nice 'orse for _you_, Mr. 'ARRY SNIGGERS, Sir--_Frar
Diavolo_. You mustn't take no notice of his bucking a bit at
starting--he'll soon leave it off.
_Mr. Sniggers_ (_who conceals his qualms under a forced
facetiousness_). Soon leave _me_ off, you mean!
_R.M._ (_after distributing the remaining horses_). Now then--bring
your 'orses up into line, and stand by, ready to mount at the word of
command, reins taken up in the left 'and with the second and little
fingers, and a lock of the 'orse's mane twisted round the first.
Mount! That 'orse ain't a _bicycle_, Mr. SNIGGERS. [_Mr. S._ (_in an
undertone._) No--worse luck!] Number off! Walk! I shall give the word
to trot directly, so now's the time to improve your seats--that back
a bit straighter, Mr. 'OOPER. No. 4, just fall out, and we'll let them
stirrup-leathers down another 'ole or two for yer. (_No. 4, who has
just been congratulating himself that his stirrups were conveniently
high, has to see them let down to a distance where he can just touch
them by stretching._) Now you're all comfortable. ["Oh, _are_ we?"
_from Mr. S._] Trot! Mr. TONGS, Sir, 'old that 'orse in--he's gettin'
away with you already. Very bad, Mr. JOGGLES, Sir--keep those 'eels
down! Lost your stirrup, Mr. JELLY? Never mind that--_feel_ for it,
Sir. I want you to be independent of the irons. I'm going to make
you ride without 'em presently. (_Mr. JELLY shivers in his saddle._)
Captin' CROPPER, Sir; if that Volunteer ridgment as you're goin' to be
the Major of sees you like you are now, on a field-day--they'll 'ave
to fall out to _larf_, Sir! (_Mr. CROPPER devoutly wishes he had been
less ingenuous as to his motive for practising his riding._) Now, Mr.
SNIGGERS, make that 'orse learn 'oo's the master! [Mr. S. "He _knows_,
the brute!"]
_Mrs. B.-K._ He's very rude to all the Class, except dear ROBERT--but
then ROBERT has such a nice easy seat.
_The R.M._ Mr. BILBOW-KAY, Sir, try and set a bit closer. Why, you
ain't no more 'old on that saddle than a stamp with the gum licked
off! Can-ter! _You_'re all right, Mr. JOGGLES--it's on'y his play; set
down on your saddle, Sir!... I didn't say on the ground!
_Mrs. B.-K._ (_anxiously to her Son, as he passes_). BOB, are you
quite sure you're safe? (_To Friend._) His horse is snorting so
dreadfully!
_R.M._ 'Alt! Every Gentleman take his feet out of the stirrups,
and cross them on the saddle in front of him. Not your _feet_, Mr.
SNIGGERS, we ain't Turks 'ere!
_Mr. S._ (_sotto voce_). "There's _one_ bloomin' Turk 'ere, anyway!"
_R.M._ Now then,--Walk!... Trot! Set back, Gentlemen, set back
all--'old on by your knees, not the pommels. _I_ see you, Mr. JELLY,
kitchin' 'old o' the mane--I shall 'ave to give you a 'ogged 'orse
next time you come. Quicken up a bit--this is a ride, not a funeral.
Why, I could _roll_ faster than you're trotting! Lor, you're like a
row o' Guy Foxes on 'orseback, you are! Ah, I thought I'd see one
o' you orf! Goa-ron, all o' you, you don't come 'ere to _play_ at
ridin'--I'll make you ride afore I've done with you! 'Ullo, Mr.
JOGGLES, nearly gone that time, Sir! There, that'll do--or we'll 'ave
all your saddles to let unfurnished. Wa-alk! Mr. BILBOW-KAY, when your
'orse changes his pace sudden, it don't look well for you to be found
settin' 'arf way up his neck, and it gives him a bad opinion of yer,
Sir. Uncross sterrups! Trot on! It ain't no mortal use your clucking
to that mare, Mr. TONGS, Sir, because she don't understand the
langwidge--touch her with your 'eel in the ribs. Mr. SNIGGERS, that
'orse is doin' jest what he likes with you. 'It 'im, Sir; he's no
friends and few relations!
_Mr. S._ (_with spirit_). _I_ ain't going to 'it 'im. If you want him
'it, get up and do it yourself!
_R.M._ When I say "Circle Right"--odd numbers'll wheel round and fall
in be'ind even ones. Circle _Right_!... Well, if ever I--I didn't
tell yer to fall _off_ be'ind. Ketch your 'orses and stick to 'em next
time. Right In-_cline_! O' course, Mr. JOGGLES, if you prefer takin'
that animal for a little ride all by himself, we'll let you out in
the streets--otherwise p'raps you'll kindly follow yer leader. Captin
CROPPER, Sir, if you let that curb out a bit more, _Reindeer_ wouldn't
be 'arf so narsty with yer ... Ah, now you _'ave_ done it. You want
_your_ reins painted different colours and labelled, Sir, you do.
'Alt, the rest of you.... Now, seein' you're shook down in your
saddles a bit--["_Shook_ up's _more like it!" from Mr. S._]--we'll
'ave the 'urdles in and show you a bit o' Donnybrook! (_The Class
endeavours to assume an air of delighted anticipation at this pleasing
prospect._) (_To Assistant R.M., who has entered and said something
in an undertone._) Eh, Captin 'EDSTALL here, and wants to try the grey
cob over 'urdles? Ask him if he'll come in now--we're just going to do
some jumping.
_Assist. R.M._ This lot don't look much like going over 'urdles--'cept
in front o' the 'orse, but I'll tell the Captin.
[_The hurdles are brought in and propped up. Enter a
well-turned-out Stranger, on a grey cob._
_Mr. Sniggers_ (_to him._) You ain't lost nothing by coming late, I
can tell yer. We've bin having a gay old time in 'ere--made us ride
without sterrups, he did!
_Capt. Headstall._ Haw, really? Didn't pet grassed, did you?
_Mr. S._ Well, me and my 'orse separated by mutual consent. I ain't
what you call a fancy 'orseman. We've got to go at that 'urdle in a
minute. How do _you_ like the ideer, eh? It's no good funking it--it's
got to be _done_!
_R.M._ Now, Captin--not _you_, Captin CROPPER--Captin 'EDSTALL, _I_
mean, will you show them the way over, please?
[_Captain H. rides at it; the cob jumps too short, and knocks
the hurdle down--to his rider's intense disgust._
_Mr. S._ I say, Guv'nor, that was a near thing. I wonder you weren't
off.
_Capt. H._ I--ah--don't often come off.
_Mr. S._ You won't say that when you've been 'ere a few times. You
see, they've put you on a quiet animal this journey. _I_ shall try to
get him myself next time. He be'aves like a gentleman, _he_ does!
_Capt. H._ You won't mount him, if you take my advice--he has rather a
delicate mouth.
_Mr. S._ Oh, I don't mind that--I should ride him on the curb, o'
course. [_The Class ride at the hurdle, one by one._
_R.M._ Now, Mr. SNIGGERS, give 'im more of 'is 'ed than that, Sir--or
he'll take it.... Oh, Lor, well, it's soft falling luckily! Mr.
JOGGLES, Sir, keep him back till you're in a line with it.... Better,
Sir; you come down true on your saddle afterwards, anyway!... Mr.
PARABOLE!... Ah, _would_ you? _Told_ you he was tricky, Sir! Try him
at it again.... Now--over!... Yes, and it _is_ over, and no mistake!
_Mrs. B.-K._ Now it's ROBERT's turn. I'm afraid he's been overtiring
himself, he looks so pale. BOB, you won't let him jump too high,
_will_ you?-- Oh, I daren't look. Tell me, my love,--is he _safe_?
_Her Friend._ Perfectly--they're just brushing him down.
AFTERWARDS.
_Mrs. B.-K._ (_to her Son_). Oh, BOB, you must never think of jumping
again--it _is_ such a dangerous amusement!
_Robert_ (_who has been cursing the hour in which he informed his
parent of the exact whereabouts of the school._) It's all right with a
horse that knows _how_ to jump. Mine didn't.
_The Friend._ I _thought_ you seemed to jump a good deal higher than
the horse did. They ought to be trained to keep close under you,
oughtn't they? [ROBERT _wonders if she is as guileless as she looks._
_Capt. Cropper_ (_to the R.M._). Oh, takes about eight months, with
a lesson every day, to make a man efficient in the Cavalry, does it?
But, look here--I suppose four more lessons will put _me_ all right,
eh? I've had _eight_, y'know.
_R.M._ Well, Sir, if you _arsk_ me, I dunno as another arf dozen'll do
you any 'arm--but, o'course, that's just as _you_ feel about it.
[_Captain CROPPER endeavours to extract encouragement from
this Delphic response._
* * * * *
[Illustration: THE RUSSIAN WOLF AND THE HEBREW LAMB.
(_After a well-known Picture._)]
* * * * *
TIT-WILLOW.
(_A NEW VERSION._)
["Last year I fed the tomtits with a cocoanut, suspended on a
stick outside my window, and they came greedily. This year I
forgot all about it, but, hearing a clamour in a fuchsia-bush
outside my study window ... I found myself besieged by an
army of tomtits ... Was it memory, or association of ideas, or
both?"--_Rev. F.G. Montague Powell, in the "Spectator."_]
On a bush in a garden a little Tomtit
Sang "Willow, Tit-willow, Tit-willow!"
And I said to him, "Dicky-bird, why do you sit
Singing 'Willow, Tit-willow, Tit-willow'?"
"I've had nothing to eat for three days," he replied,
"Though in searching for berries I've gone far and wide,
And I feel a pain here in my little inside,
O Willow, Tit-willow, Tit-willow!"
Now his poor little cheeks had grown haggard and thin,
O Willow, Tit-willow, Tit-willow!
And his self was a shadow of what it had been,
O Willow, Tit-willow, Tit-willow!
"By the kind Mr. Powell last year was I fed
With a cocoanut stuck on a stick," so he said,
"And without this again I shall shortly be dead,
O Willow, Tit-willow, Tit-willow!"
So he gathered an army who twittered all day
"O Willow, Tit-willow, Tit-willow!"
But a cocoanut soon made them all cease to say
"O Willow, Tit-willow, Tit-willow!"
And the truth of my story you must not assail,
For the dear old _Spectator_ has published the tale.
Though those who will read it can scarcely well fail
To say "Willow, Tit-willow, Tit-willow!"
* * * * *
"The Passing of Arthur."--After _Ivanhoe_, Sir Arthur Sullivan's new
Opera, has appeared at Mr. D'OYLY CARTE's new theatre, the Knightly
and Daily Composer will rest his musical brain for a year, and will
place his Savoy throne at the disposal of Prince Edward Solomon,
direct descendant of the wisest monarch ever known save for one
amiable weakness. The successor to King Arthur has plenty of "Savoy
Faire," and a good choice has been made. The Carte will now be drawn
along merrily enough, and, no doubt, it will be a brilliant time when
Sol, in all his glory, comes out and shines at the Savoy.
* * * * *
NEW IRISH POLITICAL PARTY NAME.--For the followers of Mr. PARNELL, the
best name in future would be "The _Faux-Par_-nellites."
* * * * *
[Illustration: TRUE FEMININE DELICACY OF FEELING.
_Emily_ (_who has called to take Lizzie to the great Murder Trial_).
"What deep Black, dearest!"
_Lizzie_. "Yes. I thought it would be only decent, as the poor Wretch
is sure to be found Guilty."
_Emily_. "Ah! Where I was Dining last night, it was even betting which
way the Verdict would go, so I only put on _Half_ Mourning!"]
* * * * *
A PORTIA À LA RUSSE.
["I repeat that a great military Power, having at her
disposal an army of two millions of well-disciplined and
drilled soldiers, whom no European country dares to attack
single-handed, can face calmly, and even good-humouredly,
both the wild attacks of unscrupulous publicists, and
mistaken protests of philanthropic meetings, though these
be as imposing and brilliant as the Lord Mayor's Show
itself."--_Madame Novikoff's Letter to the "Times," on
"The Jews in Russia."_]
The quality of mercy is o'erstrained,
It droppeth twaddle-like from Lord Mayor's lips
Upon a Russian ear: strength is twice scornful,
Scornful of him it smites, and him who prates
Of mercy for the smitten: force becomes
The thronéd monarch better than chopped logic;
His argument's--two millions of armed men,
Which strike with awe and with timidity
Prating philanthropy that pecks at kings.
But Mercy is beneath the Sceptre's care,
It is a bugbear to the hearts of Czars.
Force is _the_ attribute of the "God of Battles";
And earthly power does then show likest heaven's
When Justice mocks at Mercy. Therefore, Jew,
Though mercy be thy prayer, consider this,
That in the course of mercy few of us,
Muscovite Czars, or she-diplomatists.
Should hold our places as imperious Slavs
Against humanitarian Englishmen,
And Jews gregarious. _These_ do pray for Mercy,
Whose ancient Books instruct us all to render
Eye for eye justice! Most impertinent!
Romanist Marquis, Presbyterian Duke,
And Anglican Archbishop, mustered up
With Tabernacular Tubthumper, gowned Taffy,
And broad-burred Boanerges from the North,
Mingled with Pantheist bards, Agnostic Peers,
And lawyers latitudinarian,--
Lord Mayor's Show of _Paul Pry_ pageantry,
All to play Mentor to the Muscovite!
Master of many millions! Oh, most monstrous!
Are we Turk dogs that they should do this thing?
In name of Mercy!!!
I have writ so much,
As ADLER says, with "dainty keen-edged dagger,"
To mitigate humanity's indignation.
With airy epigram, and show old friends,
GLADSTONE, and WESTMINSTER, MACCOLL and STEAD,
That OLGA NOVIKOFF is still O.K.
A Portia--_à la Russe_! Have I not proved it?
* * * * *
DIAMONDS ARE TRUMPS!
[The ladies, who are learning Whist in New York, do not, says
the _Daily News_, worry much about the rules, but rather use
the old-fashioned game as an opportunity for exhibiting their
diamond rings, &c.]
I played the other day at Whist,
My partner was a comely maiden,
Her eyes so blue, her pretty wrist
With bracelets and with bangles laden,
She wore about ten thousand pounds,
Each finger had its priceless jewel,
She was, in fact, ablaze--but zounds!
Her play, indeed, was "something cruel."
I called for trumps, and called in vain,
At intervals I dared to mention
How much her conduct caused me pain,
Yet paid she not the least attention.
I very nearly tore my hair,
I begged of her to play discreetly,
But no--the tricks I planned with care
Without exception failed completely.
Jewels, I have no doubt, are grand,
But even they are sometimes cloying.
I found at length her splendid hand
(Of shapely fingers) most annoying.
When next I'm playing, I confess
I'd like a girl (and may I get her!)
Who shows her hands a little less,
And plays her cards a little better.
* * * * *
A LAY OF LONDON.
[Illustration]
Oh, London is a pleasant place to live the whole year through,
I love it 'neath November's pall, or Summer's rarest blue,
When leafy planes to city courts still tell the tale of June,
Or when the homely fog brings out the lamplighter at noon.
I thought to go away this year, and yet in town I am.
I have not been to Hampstead Heath, much less to Amsterdam;
And now December's here again I do not feel the loss,
Though all the summer I've not been four miles from Charing Cross.
'Twas pleasant in the office when we'd gather in a bunch,
A social, dreamy sort of day, with lots of time for lunch.
How commerce flagged September through, at 90, Pinching Lane,
Till bronzed and bluff the chief returned, and trade revived again.
Why talk of Andalusia's bulls, of Rocky-Mountain bears,
Of Tyrolean alpenstocks--though not of Alpen shares;
Of seaside haunts where fashion drives with coronetted panels,
Or briny nooks, when all you need is pipes, and books, and flannels.
Of orange-groves, and cloister'd courts, of fountains, and of pines,
Black shadows at whose edge the sun intolerably shines,
Of tumbled mountain heights, like waves on some Titanic sea,
Caught by an age of ice at once, and fix'd eternally.
Of quiet river-villages, which woods and waters frame,
Lull'd in the lap of loveliness to the music of their name;
Of fallow-fields, of sheltered farms, of moorland and of mere:
Let others roam--I stay at home, and find their beauties here.
Not when the sun on London town incongruously smiles,
On the news-boys, and the traffic, and the advertisers' wiles;
But when the solar orb has ceased to mark the flight of time,
And three yards off is nothingness--indefinite, sublime,--
Then in the City's teeming streets each soul can get its share,
Its concentrated essence of the high romance of air,
Whose cloudy symbols KEATS beheld, and yearn'd to jot them down,
But anybody nowadays can swallow them in town.
There are, who, fain to dry the tear, and soothe the choking throat,
Would burn those tokens of the hearth that fondly o'er us float;
They cannot trace amid the gloom each dainty spire and whorl,
But smoke, to the true poet's eye, is never out of curl.
The sardine in his oily den, his little house of tin,
Headless and heedless there he lies, no move of tail or fin,
Yet full as beauteous, I ween, that press'd and prison'd fish,
As when in sunny seas he swam unbroken to the dish.
A unit in the vasty world of waters far away,
We could nor taste his toothsome form, nor watch his merry play,
But, prison'd thus, to fancy's eye, he brings his native seas,
The olive-groves of Southern France--perchance the Pyrenees.
The brown sails of the fishing-boats, the lithe sea-season'd crew,
The spray that shakes the sunlight off beneath the breezy blue,
The netted horde that shames the light with their refulgent sheen--
Such charm the gods who dwell on high have given the chill sardine.
So when we find long leagues of smoke compacted in the air,
'Tis not the philosophic part to murmur or to swear,
But patiently unravelling, the threads will soon appear,
In cottage hearths, and burning weeds, and misty woodland sere.
The day is fading, all the West with sunset's glow is bright,
And island clouds of crimson float in depths of emerald light,
Like circles on a rippled lake the tints spread up the sky,
Till, mingling with the purple shade, they touch night's shore, and die.
Down where the beech-trees, nearly bare, spread o'er the red-leaf'd hill,
Where yet late-lingerers patter down, altho' the wind is still,
The cottage smoke climbs thinly up, and shades the black-boled trees,
And hangs upon the misty air as blue as summer seas.
'Tis this, in other guise, that wraps the town in sombre pall,
While like two endless funerals the lines of traffic crawl,
And from the abysmal vagueness where flows the turbid stream
Like madden'd nightmares neighing, the steamers hoarsely scream.
The Arab yearns for deserts free, the mariner for grog,
The hielan' laddie treads the heath, the croppy trots the bog;
The Switzer boasts his avalanche, the Eskimo his dog,
But only London in the world, can show a London fog.
* * * * *
A WONDERFUL SHILLINGSWORTH.
My Dear Mr. Punch,--Fresh from the country (which has been my
perpetual residence for the last twenty years), I came to London,
a few days ago, to visit an establishment which seemed to me to
represent that delight of my childhood, the Polytechnic Institution,
in the time of Professor PEPPER's Ghost, and glass-blowing by
machinery. I need scarcely say that the Royal Aquarium was the
attraction, where a shilling entrance fee I imagined would procure for
me almost endless enjoyment.
I had seen the appetising programme--how the doors were opened at 10
A.M., to close a good thirteen hours later--after a round of novelties
full of interest to a provincial sight-seer, to say nothing of a
Londoner. I entered and found the Variety Entertainment was "on." I
was about to walk into an enclosure, and seat myself in a first-rate
position for witnessing the gambols of some talented wolves, when I
was informed that I could not do this without extra payment. Unwilling
to "bang" an extra sixpence (two had already been expended) I tried
to find a gratuitous coign of vantage, but (I am sorry to add)
unsuccessfully. But I was not to be disheartened. Could I not see
"KENNEDY, King Laughter-Maker of the World," or "a Grand Billiard
Match," or (more interesting still) "the Performing Fleas"? Yes,
indeed I could, but only by expending a shilling on the Mesmerist, a
like sum for the Billiard Match. and sixpence on the carefully-trained
hoppers. Seeing that "the Wonderful and Beautiful Mystic MURIEL" was
in the building, I attempted to interview her, but was stopped at the
door by a demand for the fifth of half-a-crown. A like sum stood as a
barrier between me and an entertainment that I was told was "described
by Mr. RIDER HAGGARD in his well-known romance, called _She_."
Passing by a small bower-like canvas erection, I was attracted by the
declaration of its custodian that it was "the most wonderful sight
in the world," a statement he made, he said, "without fear of
contradiction." But "Eve's Garden" (as the small bower-like canvas
erection was called) was inaccessible to those who did not expend the
grudgingly-produced but necessary sixpence. Foiled in this direction,
I fain would have visited the celebrated Beckwith Family performances,
but was prevented by finding that a shilling was the only passport to
admission, unless I happened to be a child, when the modified charge
of sixpence would be deemed sufficient. There was, however, one
entertainment almost free (only a penny was charged), an automatic
sight-tester, which pleased me greatly. By putting a copper in the
slot, pressing a pedal, and turning a handle, I learned that anyone
could discover, literally at a glance, the condition of his eyes.
Had I not made up my mind to disburse nothing further than the bare
shilling I had already expended, I should certainly have ascertained
if the time had arrived for my regretful assumption of a pinch-nose or
a pair of spectacles.
I was now losing heart, when, to my great joy, I came upon "the White
Kangaroo, the Laughing Jackasses, &c.," all of which were to be seen
"free gratis and for nothing." It is right, however, that I should add
that I found some difficulty in distinguishing "the White Kangaroo"
from "the Laughing Jackasses," and both from "&c." I now made for
Mlle. PAULA's Crocodiles, but here, again, alas! I was doomed to
disappointment. As I approached the Reptile-House, in which the fair
dame was disporting herself (no doubt) amongst "Indian Pythons and Boa
Constrictors," I was warned off by the legend, "Admission, Sixpence."
It was then I remembered that, after all, I was in an Aquarium,
and, consequently, had no right to expect anything but fish. So I
approached the tanks, and, to my great delight, found in one of them
some floating bodies, that I am almost sure must have been herrings.
Having thus gratified my curiosity for the strange and the curious, I
returned, well satisfied, to the country, where I purpose remaining a
further term of next twenty years. In the meanwhile, believe me, Dear
_Mr. Punch_,
Yours sincerely, ONE EASILY PLEASED.
* * * * *
Something very big.--"The principal _rôle (Falstaff_), in VERDI's new
comic Opera is amplified and enlarged," writes a special Correspondent
to _The Standard_, "from the _Falstaff_ of the other plays (besides
the _Merry Wives_) in which he takes a part." "Takes a part!" Good
Heavens! _Falstaff_ "amplified and enlarged" will be something more
than a part. It will be that mathematical impossibility, "a part
greater than the whole." Surely, with such a _rôle_ in it, this can't
be a light Opera.
* * * * *
OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
_Golden Bells_, rung by DEAN AND SON,--quite appropriately
ecclesiastical this,--and edited by Mrs. ELIZABETH DAY, will ring
forth peals of delight in the nursery, it being the Christmas number
of _The Little One's Own Paper_.
[Illustration]
_Arrowsmith's Christmas Annual_, by WALTER BESANT, bears the cheerful
and seasonable title of "_The Demoniac_."
Mr. HYNE's _Four Red Nightcaps_ is somewhat in the style of _Three Men
in a Boat_, only there are "Four men in a Yacht."
Most of the Magazines have their special numbers of these. _The
English Illustrated Harper's_, _The Century_, are got up with the most
charming illustrations.
_The Gentlewoman_ has her first Christmas Number, and,--so like
her!--a coloured satin picture! _The Pictorial World_ has two good
pictures for framing.
The Baron liketh much the latest contribution to the Rosslyn Series,
edited by Earl HODGSON, who is of the Peerage of Parnassus, as you
won't find this Earl in _Brett's Peerage_. The Baron congratulates
the Earl, and has also sent an order for a pound of laurels wherewith
to decorate the brow of WALTER HERRIES POLLOCK. Among the many gems
of his songs let me select "A Continuation"--there would have been
"a pair of continuations," could he have rivalled himself; then
"_Lalage_," and "_The Chansonnette_," which, with "_Rizzio to Marie
Stuart_," ought to be set to music by a gifted composer. There are
also some delightful verses to "_Old Court Trinity_," which will
delight all Trinitarians of Cambridge--"_cum multis aliis_"--to quote
the ancient Roman singer, so, as a short way with our Poet POLLOCK,
the classic Baron, remembering how the ancients swore "By Pollux!"
adapts the ejaculation, and says, "Buy POLLOCK's--book."
All Meredithians must possess _George Meredith, Some Characteristics,
by Richard Le Gallienne_. The book is a complete and excellent guide
to the novelist and the novels, a sort of Meredithian _Bradshaw_,
with pictures of the traffic superintendent, and of the head office at
Boxhill. Even Philistines may be won over by the blandishments of Mr.
Le GALLIENNE, from whom I learn, by the way, that GEORGE MEREDITH is
"the HARVEY of the Ego," and that he is not ADRIAN HARLEY. I hear,
also, that "daily, from one quarter or another, come critical cuff
and kick, to impress upon a numb public the latest example of its
immemorial purblindness." And the Baron adds this cufflet to the rest.
Mr. JOHN LANE has added a Bibliography, which is a model of minute
industry. So here's to the book of RICHARD and JOHN.
Among the Arts for obvious reasons not known to Ancient Greece is _The
Art of Cooking by Gas_. In a little book under this title, published
by CASSELL, Mrs. SUGG has undertaken to disclose its mysteries, and
set forth its attractions. No one could be better qualified for the
task, since Mrs. SUGG is the wife of WILLIAM SUGG of Charing Cross,
who has thrown more light on Modern London than CAMDEN did on its
ancient ways. Cooking by gas, Mrs. SUGG shows, is cleaner, cheaper,
more convenient, and more artistic than the older style. So widely
is the practice now established, that gas-cooking apparatus are made
to suit all conditions of life, from the kitchen of the Grand Hotel
to the "Little Connaught," which you can (if you like) carry about
in your waistcoat-pocket; yet when properly extended it will roast
fowls, and small joints, grill chops, steaks, and fish, boil eggs,
and vegetables, and keep a large family in hot water. "To gentlemen
residing in Chambers, or those reading for the Bar," Mrs. SUGG writes
of another treasure, "this little kitchener with the two grillers will
prove a great boon." If Sir HENRY JAMES had really been going to the
Bench, he could not have done better than study this book, and set
himself up with a "Little Connaught" or a "Double Griller." Since
that is not the case, it may be asked, Would they be worth the LORD
CHANCELLOR's attention? We unhesitatingly reply, "Why, Sugg'nly!"
"Are you asleep, BUCHANAN?" inquired ARCHER. This is the first
sentence of a shilling novel, by BUTIFFE SKOTTOWE, with a very
sensational picture on the cover. I "read no more that day," but
closed the book, dreading lest, of the two figures on the thrilling
frontispiece, one should be _the_ BUCHANAN, and the other _the_ only
ARCHER in the world of Ibsenish proclivities.
THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS & CO.
* * * * *
STRUCTURAL IMPROVEMENTS IN A THEATRE.--Mr. NORMAN FORBES opens the
Globe. The seats are so constructed, that they can be taken outside
the theatre. Also, any person who has purchased a numbered seat need
not come to the theatre to occupy it. The seats are so made as to be
equally comfortable for big and little persons--for the former, they
can be let out.
* * * * *
A CRY FROM THE CINDER-PATH.
DEAR MR. PUNCH,
I must appeal to you, the unimpeachable Cæsar, in athletics as in all
other matters, to secure me some small meed of public sympathy and
consideration. During the, happily, almost past year, I have been the
victim of gross ill-treatment at the hands, nay, worse, the feet, of
athletes of various kinds. I have been cut in public by some of the
best performers; I have been mercilessly beaten, and persistently
lowered, till it is a wonder to myself that I have any self-respect
left. I am too good a sportsman at least, Sir, to complain of rough
usage in a fair way, but while I must suffer for the ambition of every
ped. and every wheel-man, my colleague and close relation, who is
generally known as "The Standard," is put higher and higher, without
really doing anything at all to deserve his elevation. I have had the
people all shouting about me; I have been the subject of columns of
statistical gush in the Sporting Press, and now I am constrained to
appeal to a non-professional for bare justice in my crippled old age.
Wishing you a happier New Year than the old one has been to me, I am
yours, in disgust,
A SMASHED RECORD.
* * * * *
LONDON METEORILLOGICAL ARRANGEMENTS.
(FOR THE WINTER.)
_CLERK OF WEATHER OFFICE._
_Monday_ {Frost. N.E. wind. Light fall of Snow. N. wind.
{Change at night to S. Thaw. Slosh.
_Tuesday_ Fog. E. wind.
_Wednesday_ Thicker fog. N.E. wind. Frost.
_Thursday_ Thicker fog. E. wind.
_Thursday Night._ Fog. Frost. N. wind.
_Friday & Friday Night_ Snow. N. wind. Sudden change to S.W. wind.
_Saturday_ Sun for two hours. Horrid slosh.
_Sunday_ Drizzle. Rain for one day.
_Monday_ Hard frost. N.E. wind. Traffic almost impossible.
_Tuesday and following days_ (_Da capo, with a few variations_.)
* * * * *
A MUSICAL NOTE.
Very fine performance by Royal Choral Society, at my little place in
Kensington, on Wednesday evening, Dec. 10th, of MACKENZIE's "_Rose of
Sharon_." Everything _couleur de Rose_, except the atmosphere, which
was _couleur de pea-soup_. Weather responsible for a certain number
of empty stalls in my hall. Madame ALBANI in excellent voice--sang
throughout gloriously. E.L., the Squire of Hall Barn, says that,
when the eminent soprano sings at his place, he shall announce her as
Madame HALLBARNI. HILDA WILSON first-rate in "_Lo! the King!_" LLOYD
as good as ever; can't say more. The duets between him and ALBANI,
perfection. WATKIN MILLS, an impressive _Solomon_, sang the difficult
music of that character artistically. The Chorus superb in one of
finest choruses, written by an English composer, "_Make a joyful
Noise_"--very joyful noise they made, and a considerable one. I
consider the "_Rose of Sharon_" a masterpiece, and the greatest work
of any Englishman--and, now I come to think of it, MACKENZIE's a
Scotchman. Yours truly, ALBERT HALL.
* * * * *
PARS ABOUT PICTURES.--On to DOWDESWELL's--Pictures by the Newlyn
School. Interesting show this--especially good in landscapes.
Disappointed there is no picture of the town of Par, whence the O.P.'s
ancestors came. However, let that pass. Ladies, first,--there is
excellent work by Mrs. STANHOPE FORBES, Mrs. GOTCH, Miss HAYES, Miss
FORD, and Miss BIRD; and, be it said with all politeness, equally
excellent work by Messrs. STANHOPE FORBES, TITCOMBE, A.C. TAYLER, and
others. A good many of the tin mines of Cornwall are said to be worked
out, but I think not a few of our young artists have found a mine of
tin in this picturesque country, which they are working both to their
own advantage, and that of the Art-loving public. In the same gallery
may be found a small collection of pastels by Mr. JAMES GUTHRIE. This
artist seems to thoroughly understand the scope of pastel--and has
walked his chalks about Scotland to considerable purpose. OLD PAR.
* * * * *
"AWAY WITH MELANCHOLY."--Nothing in Nature and Art combined is so sad
as the effect of a Street Minstrel playing something with flourishes
on a clarinet under the windows of your study during a yellow London
fog. "This way madness lies."
* * * * *
"BOXING-DAY" will, of course, be kept with great festivity at the
Pelican Club. The contests will be of the friendliest character, and
will be genially announced as "Kiss-in-the-Ring."
* * * * *
[Illustration: HIS FIRST BIRD.
"WELL, I DIDN'T MISS _THAT_ ONE, AT ALL EVENTS!"
"NO, SIR. THEY _WILL_ FLY INTO IT, SOMETIMES!"]
* * * * *
THE BABES IN THE WOOD;
OR, THE ST. STEPHEN'S TRAGEDY.
_AN OLD (INGOLDSBYISH) SONG, TO A NEW (IRISH) TUNE._
When M.P.'s were all honest and good,
(A long time ago, I'm afraid, Ma'am),
We heard of the Babes in the Wood,
Who were jockeyed, misled, and betrayed, Ma'am.
Well, history, so we are told,
Repeats itself--varying slightly--
Once again two poor Babes have been--_sold_,
Let us say, just to put it politely.
Rum tiddy-um, tiddy-um-tay!
Two innocent cherubs they were,
Master GLADDY, and young Miss MOORLEENA;
Such sweet little souls to ensnare,--
Why, no conduct could well have been meaner.
But all things went well for a time;
The parties they trusted made much of them;
Little they fancied that crime
Would ever attempt to get clutch of them.
Rum tiddy, &c.
All the same, Ma'am, before very long,
The Babes found themselves in the Wood. It
Was that which is known in Erse song
As the Wood of Shillelagh. Now could it
Be thought that two brave Oirish bhoys
Might be found so confoundedly cruel
As to rob two wee bairns of their toys,
And then give the poor darlings their "gruel"?
Rum tiddy, &c.
But somehow one of them fell out
With his whilom pet Babe, little GLADDY,
Looked on him with anger and doubt,
And conspired to destroy him, poor laddie!
It seems that the once-admired "kid"
Was a Turk, and a rogue, and a pickle,
Who wouldn't do what he was bid,
But was talkative, tricky, and fickle.
Rum tiddy, &c.
Clear case of the Wolf and the Lamb!
Said the Wolf, "I dislike, and distrust him.
His innocence is but a sham.
I mean having the bleed of him, bust him!"
(Such language sounds vulgar and coarse,
And to put it in poesy's painful;
But KIPLING will tell you that force
Of taste must be sometimes disdainful.)
Rum tiddy, &c.
Little GLADDY, he turned up his eyes
To his guide's now most truculent visage,
And feelings of doubt and surprise
Took hold on him, trying at _his_ age.
Cried he, "Go away, Naughty Man!
MOORLEENA, this fellow's a rogue, he
Will kill us, I'm sure, if he can,
For his face looks as black as Old Bogey!"
Rum tiddy, &c.
Oh, then the First Robber looked mad,
And he ups, and says he to the Second,
"This impudent bit of a lad
No more a safe pal can be reckoned.
Get him out of our way, or the swag
Will not be worth much when allotted.
MOORLEENA's small weasand _you_ scrag,
Whilst _I_ cut young BILLY's carotid!"
Rum tiddy, &c.
"Ha! stop!" cried the milder of mood,
"Your conduct is savage and silly.
They will search for _these_ Babes in _this_ Wood,
And there'll be a big row about BILLY.
Don't fancy you'll finish this job
When you've scragged 'em and stifled their sobbins'!
If these Babes we should murder and rob,
_Their_ graves won't be left to the Robins!"
Rum tiddy, &c.
Of course after language like this
Those Robbers' relations grew "squiffy."
Each drew, cut and thrust, scored a miss,
And then they set-to in a jiffy.
The Babes, in no optimist mood,
Look on at the fight not unequal.
Will they safely get out of the Wood?
Well, that we shall see in the sequel!
Rum-tiddy-um, tiddy-um-tay!
* * * * *
AN Anglo-Indian journal, quoted by the _Daily News_, suggests that the
Ameer of Afghanistan "might construct a telegraph line throughout his
country." Good idea. Of course it is A-meer suggestion.
* * * * *
NO MORE APPEALS! NO CHANCE OF AN ERRONEOUS JUDGMENT!! NO WRONG
SENTENCES!!!--The new Judge must be always WRIGHT. Query--Can he sit
in Error?
* * * * *
NAUTICAL AND ACADEMICAL QUESTION, IMPORTANT FOR MARINE PAINTERS.--How
much water must such an Artist draw before he is admitted into the
Royal Academy Harbour?
* * * * *
[Illustration: THE BABES IN THE WOOD.]
* * * * *
THE HIBERNIAN BRER FOX; OR, UNCLE REMUS IN IRELAND.
[Illustration: BRER "FOX."]
"Now, 'bout dat time, honey," pursued Uncle REMUS, "Brer Fox he lay
low pooty well all der time."
"Why was that?" asked the little boy.
"Dat," replied the old man, "was des w'at his frends wanted fer ter
know. But Brer Fox, he ain't sayin' nuthin'. Den dey sorter dallo
roun' waiting fo' Brer Fox. En dey keep on waitin', but no Brer Fox
ain't come."
"What was Brer Fox doing all this time?" asked the little boy.
"Oh, well den!" exclaimed the old man, "chilluns can't speck ter know
all 'bout eve'ything. And bless grashus, honey! some er der doin's er
Brer Fox 'bout dis yer time ain't fit fer chilluns _ter_ know. Brer
Fox, I'm feared, wuz kinder simpertin' roun' atter udder people's
prop'ty, and dat's des why he lay low, en ain't say nuthin'."
"However," pursued the old man, after a pause,--
"'De place wharbouts you spill de grease,
Right dar youer boun' ter slide.'
And bimeby Brer Fox he sorter slid up _ker-slump_, he did, on his own
slide, an' his frens dey done 'fuse m'on m'on to live naberly wid him,
see'n ez he'd done broke der laws er naberly conduc' as der beastesses
hold 'em. En Brer Rabbit--Ole Man Rabbit, as dey call him--he up en he
sez, sezee, I ain't gwineter 'sociate long er no Brer Foxes no mo',
he sez; 'taint 'spectubble, he sez. An' nex time Brer Rabbit met Brer
Fox, Brer Rabbit 'fuse ter 'spon ter his howdy, and dis make Brer
Fox feel mighty bad, seein' ez how dey useter make so many scurshuns
togedder.
"Hol' on dar, Brer Rabbit!" sez Brer Fox, sezee.
"I ain't got time, Brer Fox," says Brer Rabbit, sezee, kinder mendin'
his licks.
"I wanter have some confab wid you, Brer Rabbit," says Brer Fox,
sezee.
"All right, Brer Fox, but you had better holler fum whar' you stan',"
sez Brer Rabbit, "so's der res' may hear. I sorter members der las'
time we confabbed togedder, sezee, when we war des as soshubble ez
er basket er kittens, twel bimeby you kinder went down to der bottom
kerblunkity-blunk, and den you sorter rounded on _me_ 'bout der
privit palaver, en I des don't like der way ez der sym'tums seem to
segashuate," says Brer Rabbit, sezee.
"Youer stuck up, dat's w'at you is, but you ain't gwineter boss _me_,"
says Brer Fox, sezee.
Brer Rabbit, he sorter chuckle in his stummuck, he did, but he ain't
sayin' nuthin'.
"I'm gwineter larn you howter talk ter 'spectubble fokes if hit's der
las' ack," says Brer Fox, sezee. "Ef you don't take off dat hat, and
tell me howdy, I'm gwineter to bus' you wide open, sezee, ef I busses
myself at der same time," sezee.
Den Brer Rabbit he fotch up on his behime legs like he wuz 'stonished,
but he stan' on his dignitude, and he ain't sayin' nuthin!
Den Brer Fox get mighty mad. Der never wuz a madder beas' dan he wuz
des den. He rip, en he r'ar, en he cuss, en he swar, he snort, en he
cavort.
"What was he doing that for, Uncle REMUS?" the little boy inquired.
"Bress you' soul, he wuz tryin' fer tar fling Brer Rabbit off'n his
dignitude," answered the old man.
"And did he succeed?" pursued the little lad.
"Dat's all de fur de tale goes--at present," replied the old man. "How
de onfrennelness eventuated, I may tell you anudder time. But, as I
tell you, Brer Rabbit wuz a monstus soon beas'; and, when Brer Fox
look mighty biggity, atter cuttin' up mighty small, en loup roun' and
make faces at all de beastesses, en sorter rustle roun' like he wuz
gwinter bus' eberything, why den, honey, fokes is apt to look on him
as kinder splummy-splummy, atter all, en his enfloons bimeby is boun'
to be pow'ful lackin'."
* * * * *
THAT FOOT-BALL.
_AN ATHLETIC FATHER'S LAMENT._
What was it made me cricket snub,
And force my seven sons to subsidize a local "Rugby" Club?
That Foot-ball!
Yet, what first drew from me a sigh,
When TOM, my eldest, missed a "try,"
But got instead a broken thigh!
That Foot-ball!
What in my second, stalwart JACK,
Caused some inside machine to crack,
And kept him ten months on his back--?
That Foot-ball!
What brought my third, unhappy TED,
To fade and sink, and keep his bed,
And finally go off his head?--
That Foot-ball!
My fourth and fifth, poor JOHN and JIM,
What made the sight of one so dim?
What made the other lack a limb?
That Foot-ball!
Then FRANK, my sixth, who cannot touch
The ground unaided by a crutch,
Alas! of what had he too much?
That Foot-ball!
The seventh ends the mournful line,
Poor STEPHEN with his fractured spine.
A debt owe these good sons of mine,
That Foot-ball!
And as we pass the street-boys cry,
"Look at them cripples!" I but sigh,
"You're right, my friends. But would you fly
A lot like ours; uh, do not try
That Foot-ball!"
* * * * *
OUR ADVERTISERS.
SEASONABLE AND OTHER.
SCARIFICO is a non-emollient, detergent, case-hardening, and scouring
soap polish.
* * * * *
SCARIFICO will instantly give the finest complexion the consistency of
hardened wash-leather.
* * * * *
SCARIFICO, used recklessly and freely, will rapidly flay the reigning
beauty.
* * * * *
SCARIFICO, if applied as a head-wash, entirely removes all the hair.
* * * * *
SCARIFICO should be tried on the young infant with caution.
* * * * *
SCARIFICO, though regarded as an adjunct to the toilette-table, will
be found more useful in removing the rust from old fire-irons.
* * * * *
SCARIFICO, if used inadvertently in the ordinary course as toilette
soap, will frequently remove the entire skin of the face on one
application.
* * * * *
SCARIFICO will be found useful in the weekly bath of the rhinoceros.
* * * * *
SCARIFICO.--Dr. BLINKORN, M.R.S.V.P., writes:--"I have analysed a
sample of 'Scarifico' sent me, and I find it a hap-hazard compound, in
which suspended fats, brick-dust, fuller's earth, road-sweepings, and
the bi-phosphates of soda are indiscriminately mixed. I cannot say
whether it would be found a 'comfortable and cleansing preparation for
the infant's skin,' as claimed by the proprietors, but should be more
inclined to recommend it as an 'efficient mud-remover from cart-wheels
and cleaning of ships' foul bottoms,' to its capabilities for which
purposes they also direct the attention of their customers."
* * * * *
£16,000 URGENTLY wanted for a few hours in a
friendly spirit. As every confidence will be placed in the lender,
no inquiries will be made or expected. Moreover, this being a
purely unprofessional, but strictly business transaction, as between
gentleman and gentleman, no amount of interest will be objected to,
and no agents will be treated with. N.B.--If lender is unable at a
moment's notice to raise so large a sum, a few shillings in advance
per postal order, if merely as a guarantee of good faith, can be
forwarded on account, and will be acknowledged with thanks.
* * * * *
THE POETRY OF WINTER.--Rime. And it might be werse.
* * * * *
[Illustration: SHADOWS OF THE SESSION; OR, THE LONG (FACED)
PARLIAMENT.]
* * * * *
ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.
_House of Commons, Monday, December 8_.--Prince ARTHUR came down to
House this afternoon, with light heart, and unwrinkled brow. The first
section of Session was drawing to a close; truly a wonderful time.
OLD MORALITY, in arranging for its disposal, had, as usual, taken a
sanguine view of his opportunities, and had crammed the space with
work to be done. There were the Tithes Bill and the Land Purchase
Bill, ineffectually struggled over last Session, and finally
abandoned. There was the Railways Bill, successfully obstructed last
Session, leading, on one occasion, to an All-night Sitting; and there
was the Seed Potato Bill, innocent enough in appearance, but, like
all Irish measures, capable of blossoming into portentous things. But
everything had gone smoothly. Here was the 8th of December, not
quite a fortnight after opening of Session, and appointed work nearly
finished. To-night would read a Second Time second portion of Land
Bill, and then, hey, for the Christmas holidays!
[Illustration: Surveying the Battle-field.]
Prince ARTHUR, entering House with long, swinging stride, smiling
sweetly around him, started at the prospect before him. Hitherto
Benches in Irish quarter have been empty; accustomed occupants
wrestling with each other in Committee Room No. 15. "For a fortnight,"
as SYDNEY HERBERT said, dropping into poetry as he surveyed the
battle-field from the Bar, "all bloodless lay the untrodden snow."
Now Prince ARTHUR, like "LINDEN, saw another sight." The Irish quarter
closely packed. At the corner seat by the Gangway TIM HEALY, terribly
truculent; a little further down the new Leader of the regenerate
party, bent on making more History for Our Own Times.
Whilst PARNELL was yet the uncrowned king, he eschewed the habit
of Guerilla Leaders (whether with or without a following) of
appropriating a corner seat.
"For a very good reason," says WILLIAM MURPHY, once mildest-mannered
man that ever built a tram or railway, now transformed into
exceedingly plain-spoken politician. "If PARNELL had taken corner
seat, his comings and goings--especially his goings--would have been
more easily marked. Sitting midway down the Bench, amongst the ruck
of Members, he was not noticeable except when he wanted to be noticed.
Could slink in and out without attracting attention."
[Illustration: Not quite "O Keay!"]
Not for that reason, but from sheer modesty, JUSTIN MCCARTHY has taken
up almost identical position; Truculent TIM guards the corner seat,
where he can snap and snarl with fuller freedom. Fell upon Prince
ARTHUR to-night with fearsome ferocity. The Prince, having explained
his measure last week, when TIM and the rest were "deliberating"
in Committee Room No. 15, he presumed to think he needn't repeat
exercise, and so moved. Second Reading by dumb gesture. TIM on his
feet as if propelled from catapult. What! the Chief Secretary not
going to make a speech when the new Irish Party had mustered for
the first time in the history of a reeling and revolving universe?
Abominable Atrocious!! Contumeliously contemptuous!!!
TIM moved Adjournment of Debate; wanted to discuss merits of Bill on
this motion. Deputy-Speaker interfered on point of order. TIM must
speak or burst. If he withdrew his Motion for Adjournment, he might
get someone else to move rejection of Bill. Then his opportunity would
come. Eye fell on SEYMOUR KEAY, dressed in height of antique fashion,
reclining on Bench below him. KEAY always wanting to make speech. Not
invariably coherent, but that no consequence. He would be only too
glad to move rejection of Bill; then TIM would dive in and get off his
speech.
Change of tactics too rapid for KEAY to follow. TIM's motion
withdrawn; question put was, "that Bill be read Second Time." Now was
KEAY's cue to rise and move its rejection; but KEAY failed to grasp
situation; sat smiling with inane adulation at tip of his passionately
polished patent-leather shoe, over which lay the fawn-coloured "spat,"
like dun dawn rising over languid lustrous sea. Not a second to be
lost. Deputy-Chairman on his feet; if no Amendment were submitted,
he would declare Second Reading carried. TIM stooped down, and with
clenched fist smote KEAY between the shoulder-blades. KEAY, startled
out of pleased reverie, turned round with frightened glance, as he
beheld TIM blazing with righteous fury, glowering over him: paralysed
with fear; had heard alarming rumours of methods of Debate introduced
in Committee Room No. 15. This sudden assault from the rear evidently
one of them. Who could say what might not be its most natural
sequence?
"I expected every moment would be my next," SEYMOUR KEAY said, later,
when, with still chattering teeth, he was describing the episode.
"Tut!" said TIM. "I was only asking you to get up and move that the
Land Department (Ireland) Bill be read a Second Time on that day six
months."
While someone went for glass of water and smelling salts for SEYMOUR
KEAY, MAURICE HEALY moved rejection of Bill; Debate arose; TIM
storming round the topic with undiminished vigour. But no one would
rise to his tempestuous heights; Debate flittered out; Bill read
Second Time; House up by Seven o'Clock. _Business done._--A lot.
[Illustration: "Au Revoir!"]
_Tuesday._--Dreadful rumour when House met that TIM HEALY had ready
for delivery speech two hours long, on Prince ARTHUR in general,
and Irish Land Bill in particular. Turned out to be only TIM's fun.
Once or twice in course of brief proceedings he jumped up suddenly,
and shouted out, "Bah!" but only meant to frighten OLD MORALITY.
Momentarily had desired effect; soon clear that nothing serious meant.
Appointed Bills advanced through stipulated stages, and OLD MORALITY,
modest in mien, even after the triumph of matchless management
displayed in brief Session, moved Adjournment over Christmas holidays.
Conversation as to arrangement of business on reassembling; Truculent
TIM, coming to the front at least urgent opportunity, demanded that
Irish business should not be taken as first Order. OLD MORALITY
promptly gave desired pledge. Then MARJORIBANKS, who, to travesty
TREVELYAN's famous saying, Though a Whip, is a Scottish gentleman,
broke the long pause of eloquent silence cultivated in the Lobby;
protested against Scotch Members being placed in inconvenient
position, by being obliged to put in appearance on first day after
holidays. Welsh Members echoed plaint on their part. Why should Tithes
Bill be put down for first day?
Pretty to see OLD MORALITY's firm attitude, in face of this
demonstration. Had capitulated to Irish at first sound of TIM's low
voice; quite a different thing with inconsiderable people like the
Scotch or Welsh. Almost haughtily protested against possibility of
alteration. "Members," he said, vaguely remembering copy-book heading,
"are made for business, not business for Members." That settled it.
Motion for Adjournment carried; Young GOSSET, with his beaver up,
advanced to remove Mace, and House went off for Christmas holidays.
_Business done._--Sittings adjourned till 22nd of January.
* * * * *
NOTE ON THE WESTMINSTER PLAY.--The notion of its being performed in
"The Dormitory" is delightful. None of the performers could possibly
be offended by the audience doing the right thing in the right place,
and going to sleep.
* * * * *
PHILLALOO!
A SONG OF "UNITED IRELAND."
AIR:-"_KILLALOE_."
Well, I'm glad that _I_ was born
In the land the Sassenach scorn,
For its fondness for a first-class Phillaloo.
Faix! Home Rule's a purthy schame,
And on Thursday PARNELL came
To insthruct us how to floor the "Pathriot" crew.
I'd one Leader, that I swear,
Now there's siveral "in the air,"
And it sthrikes me I've a doubt which one is thrue;
But whin things are out of jint,
To decide the tickle pint,
Faith! there's nothing like a first-class Phillaloo!
_Chorus_.
Ye may talk about McCARTHY,
As a leader sane and hearthy,
For to lead the "Pathriot" parthy;
But ochone! and wirrasthrue!
It seems anything but aisy
(Ask DICK POWER and Misther DEASY)
To lead for long
A parthy strong
Widout a Phillaloo!
PARNELL wiped BODKIN's eye,
And of all his toype "made pie."
O'BRIEN telegraphed wid much surprise;
And brave DILLON "over there,"
Seemed disposed to tear his hair,
And TAY PAY inclined to pipe his pathriot eyes.
Said BODKIN, with alarm,
"This will do the paper harm,"
Said LEAMY, "I'm appointed to your place."
Thin on a float or dray
They the papers sint away,
And scatthered all the Staff, and closed the case.
_Chorus_.--Ye may talk of J. McCARTHY, &c.
[Illustration]
Ooh, bhoys, there was the fun!
But the game was far from done.
_United Ireland_ did not _yet_ appear;
For whilst NAGLE had stepped out,
BODKIN came wid comrades stout,
And a hamper, which was packed with bottled beer.
PARNELL swore an awful oath
He'd have law agin 'em both,
And he came from KENNY's house in Rutland Square;
And he raised a Phillaloo
With the aid of followers true,
And replaced the valiant LEAMY in the chair.
_Chorus_.--Ye may talk of J. McCARTHY, &c.
To it feet and fists they wint,
As though foighting agin rint,
Says the Sassenach, "By golly, I'm perplext;
For when pathriots, don't ye see,
Foight like schoolboys on a spree,
Why, ye niver know what they'll be up to next.
There seems little to be said;
Let each break the other's head:
I'll mix no more in pathriot affairs.
Ere that paper shall appear,
Many an Oirish head and ear
Must be 'closed for alterations and repairs.'"
_Chorus_.--Ye may talk of J. McCARTHY, &c.
"If to help poor PAT you'd try,
Or would raise the Home Rule cry,
And change the Constitution--just for fun;
There's one thing ye've got to do,--
Just prepare for Phillaloo,
For the PATS will raise it--every mother's son.
It may be very fine,
PAT's no enemy of mine,
But, as I think, ye'll aisily suppose,
Whatever line we take
Peace is mighty hard to make,
When 'United Ireland' punches its own nose!"
_Chorus_.
Ye may talk about McCARTHY,
As a pathriot pure and hearthy,
For to lead the Home-Rule Parthy;
And to keep the Liberals thrue.
But it's anything but aisy
(Ask DICK POWER and Misther DEASY)
To rule the Pats
(Those fighting cats)
Widout a Phillaloo!
* * * * *
A STUDY FROM THE LIFE.
(_PROPHETICALLY COMMUNICATED BY AN INTERVIEWER OF THE FUTURE._)
[Illustration]
Having to describe the person and abode of the Poet PODGERS, I cannot
do better than jot down in my note-book what I know about those
objects on my road to the abode of genius--otherwise, 126, Bolingbroke
Square, South Belgravia. That useful work, _Men of the Time_, tells
me that the Poet was educated at Westminster and Christ Church--facts
that in themselves suggest a column of copy about Football at Vincent
Square, the mysteries of Seniors, Juniors, and Second Election, and
the glories and humours of Tom's Quad. Not much trouble about that.
So far, plain sailing. Bolingbroke Square, too, helps one along.
Historical reminiscences, Pimlico in time of Romans, ditto Normans,
ditto when ELIZABETH was Queen. All this can be worked up comfortably
and conveniently in the Reading Room of the British Museum. Then
the PODGERS' family history should give a good third. Father made
a fortune in blacking, so daresay he recollects his grandfather.
No doubt latter settled in London with the employment of junior
office-sweeper, and the capital of an eleemosynary half-crown. Need
not trouble about the Heraldic Visitations, or the coat and crest.
Keep those items for an interview characterised more by "blood"
than "brains." Suppose he has received presentation copies of works
of poetical rivals. This will give an opportunity for introducing
contemporary biographical sketches, varying from three lines to half a
column. Know his house, too--once occupied by a foreign fiddler, next
a Cabinet Minister, lastly, a successful artist, hints (if required)
for scenes on the Continent, in Parliament, and the Royal Academy.
Wife and children. Domestic scene--good for two-thirds. Wife playing
piano as the children spin their tops, or gambol with Collie dog.
There now, I think I have got enough material for the present. And
here we are at Bolingbroke Square, South Kensington.
What's this! PODGERS' servant says PODGERS declines to see literary
gents! He won't be interviewed!
Won't he! With my materials, soon arrange about _that_! After all,
seeing him was only an empty form!
Tell Cabman to drive back to my house--Butterfly Gardens. He doesn't
know it! On second thoughts, he says he supposes I mean "the place
that used to be called Grub Street?" Yes, I do!
* * * * *
CHRISTMAS AND CLEOPATRA.
[Illustration]
MR. CLEMENT SCOTT, in his most useful column of theatrical information
in the _Daily Telegraph_, told us last Friday, that the Princess's
Theatre is now "heated by a new process," which must mean the
exceptionally warm reception given every evening to Mrs. LANGTRY as
_Cleopatra_. In this favourable sense of the phrase, "She gets it hot
all round," and the public assists in "making it warm" for _her_,
in return for _her_ making it warm for _them_. The more than CLEMENT
SCOTT writes of "extra rows of stalls," and of "money being turned
away on account of the success of _Antony and Cleopatra_." Bravo! "O
rare for _Antony_!" and O most rare for Egypt's fairest daughter! Of
course when the money is "turned away," more money is admitted. Great
thing for a theatre when all the boxes are money-boxes, and the pit a
gold-mine. Those who are allowed to enter will not complain of being
"let in," unless they object to being "let in for a good thing."
With its ballets and splendid _mise-en-scène_, and its splendid
"Missis-_en-scène_," too, "There would seem no reason," continues the
generous SCOTT, "why _Antony and Cleopatra_ should not be regarded as
what is euphemistically (a deuce of a word this) known as a 'Christmas
Piece.'" By all means. Be it so. Will the fair Manageress take the
hint, and announce a grand Transformation Scene for Boxing Night, with
the pantomimic cast thus distributed:--_Harlequin_, Colonel ANTONY
COGHLAN; _Columbine_, Mrs. CLEOPATRA LANGTRY; _Pantaloon_, Mr.
ENOBARBUS STIRLING; and _Clown_--a real "Shakspearian Clown," by Mr.
EVERILL, who, in spite of his name, we hope will continue Ever-well,
and be able to indulge the public with the good old classic song,
"_Poma Calida_." Mr. CLEMENT SCOTT, at this inclement season, has hit
on a first-rate notion, of which, no doubt, Queen CLEOPATRA will avail
herself, if necessary.
* * * * *
A CHRISTMAS PAR.--At this season we must mention Crackers, that's the
truth--and we can't let 'em off, SPARAGNAPANE's Jewelled Crackers are
A1, and that's truth and no cracker. While on the subject of Crackers,
we are prepared for the question, What next? and are equally prepared
with the echoing reply "WARD next,"--with his dainty confections in
artistic cards and booklets.
* * * * *
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