The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 103, October 15, 1892, by Various This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org Title: Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 103, October 15, 1892 Author: Various Editor: Francis Burnand Release Date: March 24, 2005 [EBook #15453] Language: English *** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. VOL. 103. October 15, 1892. 'ARRY AT 'ARRYGATE. (_SECOND LETTER._) [Illustration] DEAR CHARLIE,--The post-mark, no doubt, will surprise you. I'm still at the "Crown," Though I said in my last--wot wos true--I was jest on the mizzle for town. 'Ad a letter from nunky, old man, with another small cheque. Good old nunk! So I'm in for a fortnit' more sulphur and slosh, afore doing a bunk. Ah! I've worked it, my pippin, I've worked it; gone in for hexcursions all round, To Knaresborough, Bolton, and Fountains. You know, dear old pal, I'll be bound, As hantiquities isn't my 'obby, and ruins don't fetch me, not much! I can't see their "beauty," no more than the charms of some dowdy old Dutch. A Castle, all chunnicks of stone, or a Habbey, much out of repair, A skelinton Banquetting 'All, and a bit of a broken-down stair, May appear most perticular "precious" to them as the picteresk cops; But give me the sububs and stucco, smart villas, and spick-and-span shops. "Up to date" is our _siney quay non_ in these days. _Fang der sickle_, yer know. Wich is French for the same, I persoom, and them phrases is now all the go. Find 'em sprinkled all over the papers; in politics, fashion, or art, If you carnt turn 'em slick round yer tongue, you ain't modern, or knowing, or smart. Still a houting to Bolton ain't bad when the _charry-bang's_ well loaded up With swell seven-and-sixpence-a-headers. _I_ felt like a tarrier-pup On the scoop arter six weeks of kennel and drench in the 'ands of a vet; I'd got free of the brimstoney flaviour and went it accordin', you bet! 'Ad a day at a village called Birstwith. The most tooralooralest scene, 'Oiler down among 'ills, dontcher know, ancient trees and a jolly big green. Reglar old Rip-van-Winkleish spot, sech as CALDECOTT ought to ha' sketched. Though I ain't noways nuts on the pastoral, even Yours Truly wos fetched. Pooty sight and no error, old pal! 'Twos a grand "Aughticultural Show," So the "Progrum of Sports" told the public. Fruit, flowers, and live poultry, yer know. Big markee and a range of old 'en-coops, sports, niggers, a smart local band, Cottage gardemn', cheese, roosters, and races! Rum mix, but I gave it a 'and. I do like to hencourage the joskins. One thing though, wos fiddle-de-dee, They 'ad a "Refreshment Tent," CHARLIE. 'Oh my! Ginger-ale and weak tea! Nothink stronger, old pal, s'elp me bob! Fancy _me_ flopping down on a form A-munching plum-putty, and lapping Bohea as wos not even warm! This 'ere 'Arrygate's short of amusements. There's niggers and bands on the "Stray" (Big lumpy old field in a 'ole, wich if properly managed might pay.) Mysterious Minstrels with masks on, a bleating contralto in black, With a orful tremoler, my pippin!--yus, these are the pick of the pack. Bit sick of "_Ta-ra-ra_" and "_Knocked 'em_;" "_Carissimar_" gives me the 'ump, For I 'ear it some six times per morning; and then there's a footy old pump Blows staggery toons on a post-'orn for full arf a-hour each day, To muster the mugs for a coach-drive. My heye and a bandbox, it's gay! At the "Crown" we git up little barnies, to eke out the 'Arrygate lot, For even the Spa's a bit samesome for six times a week when it's 'ot; Though they do go it pooty permiskus with pickter-shows, concerts, and such; Yus, I must say they ladles it out fair and free, for a sixpenny touch. But even yer Fancy Dress Balls, and yer lectures by ANNIE BESANT, All about Hastral Bodies and Hether, seems not always _quite_ wot yer want To wile away time arter dinner. So thanks to that gent--six-foot-four!-- Who fair cuts the record as Droring-Room M.C.--of course _hammytoor_. Then we've conjurors, worblers, phrenologists! One 'ad a go at _my_ chump. 'E touzled my 'air up tremenjus, and said I'd no hend of a bump Of somethink he called "Happrybativeness." Feller meant well, I suppose, But I didn't quite relish his smile, nor his rummy remarks on my nose. When a tall gurl as pooty as paint, and with cheeks like a blush--rose in bloom, 'As 'er lamps all a-larf on yer face, and a giggle goes round the whole room, 'Tisn't nice to sit square on a chair, with a feller a-sharpening 'is wit On your nob, and a rumpling your 'air till it's like a birch-broom in a fit! One caper we 'ad, on the lawn, wos a spree and no error, old man. They call it a "Soap-Bubble Tournyment." Soapsuds, a pipe, and a fan, Four six--foot posts stuck in the ground with a tape run around--them's the "props," And lawn-tennis ain't in it for larks. Oh, the ladies did larf, though tip-tops! Bit sniffy fust off. "Oh!" sez they, "wot a most _hintellectual_ game!" But I noticed that them as sneered most wos most anxious to win, all the same, The gent he stands slap in the middle, and tries to blow bubbles like fun, Wich his pardner fans over the tape; don't it jest keep the girls on the run! Every bubble as crosses the tape afore busting counts one to that pair, And the pair as counts most wins the prize. They are timed by a hegg-boiler. There! It _wos_ all a pantermime, CHARLIE, to see 'ow them gurls scooted round, Jest like Japanese jugglers, a-fanning the bubbles, as _would_ 'ug the ground. Some gents wos fair frosts at the bizness; one good-'earted trim little toff Would blow with the bowl wrong end uppards. His pardner went pink and flounced off. He gurgled away like a babe with a pap-bottle, guggle--gug--gug! And I 'eard 'er a-giving 'im beans as 'e mizzled, much down in the mug. Owsomever, it ain't for amusements as 'Arrygate lays itself hout; So, dear boy, it's for doses and douches; and there it scores freely, no doubt, Wy, there's thirty-two Springs in the Bog Field--a place like a graveyard gone wrong-- Besides Starbeck, the Tewit, and others, all narsty, and most on 'em strong. Since Sir SLINGSBY discovered the first one, now close on three cent'ries ago, Wot a lush of mixed mineral muck these 'ere 'Arrygate Springs 'ave let flow! Well, ere's bully for Brimstone, my bloater, and 'ooray for 'Arrygate air! Wich 'as done me most good I don't know, and I'm scorched if I very much care! I know 'Arrygate girls cop the biscuit for beauty. They've cheeks like the rose, Their skin is jest strorberries and cream; it's the sulphur, dear boy, I suppose. As for me, I look yaller as taller alongside 'em CHARLIE, wus luck! I 'eard one call me saffron-faced sparrer, and jest as I thought 'er fair struck. I'd nail 'em, in time, I've no doubt, when I once got the 'ang of their style. There's a gal at the Montpellier Baths. Scissoree! 'ow I've tried for a smile, When she tips me my tannersworth! Shucks! she's as orty and stiff as yer please. Primrose Dames isn't in it for snubs with these arrygant 'Arrygatese! But I reckon my "Douche" is now due. Doctor BLACK's that pertikler, old man. These 'Arrygate doctors 'ave progrums--you've got to pan out to their plan. Up early, two swigs afore breakfust, and tubs when they tell yer's the rule. Well, the feller as flies to a Sawbones, and _don't_ toe the line is a fool. Reglar Doctor-Shop, 'Arrygate is; see their photos all over the town. Mine is doing me dollups of good; I'm quite peckish, and jest a bit brown. I'm making the most of my time, and a-laying in all I can carry. So 'ere ends this budget of brimstone and baths from your sulphur-soaked 'ARRY. * * * * * [Illustration: A FROG HE WOULD A-ROWING GO! A SAD SONG OF THE INTERNATIONAL BOAT RACE. (_WITH MR. PUNCH'S CORDIAL COMPLIMENTS TO THE VICTORIOUS FRENCH EIGHT_.) AIR--"_A Frog he would a-Wooing go_." A FROGGIE would a-rowing go, Heigho for Rowing! To see if Big BULLIE could lick him or no; With his boating form that's all gammon and spinach. Heigho for British Rowing! So off he set with his boating-cap, Heigho for Rowing! And swore at Big BULL he would just have a slap! Which BULL declared was all gammon and spinach! Heigho for British Rowing! "Pray, Mr. BULL, will you race with me?" Heigho for Rowing! Says BULL, "If you like, but 'tis fiddle-de-dee! For FROG against BULL is all gammon and spinach." Heigho for British Rowing! When they came to Andresy upon the Seine, Heigho for Rowing! Big BULL pulled his hardest, but pulled in vain, For he found his boasts were all gammon and spinach. Heigho for British Rowing! For in spite of the brag, and the bounce, and the chaff, Heigho for Rowing! The FROG beat the BULL by a length and a half, With your MOSSOP and JAMES, licked by BOUDIN and CUZIN, Heigho, says R.C. LEHMANN! "Pray, Mr. BULL, do you relish the spin?" Heigho for Rowing! (Said FROGGIE.) "And were you cocksure you would win, With your forty-one strokes all sheer gammon and spinach?" Heigho for British Rowing! "Humph! Regular take-down!" said Big Mr. BULL-- Heigho for Rowing! "But, FROGGIE or not, by the lord you can _pull_, With your much-decried 'hang,'--'twas all gammon and spinach! Heigho for British Rowing!" "Ha! Ha!" cried the FROG, "the old fable, thought true"-- Heigho for Rowing! "Is out of date now. I'm as big, BULL, as _you_, As an oarsman, which is _not_ all gammon and spinach!" Heigho for British Rowing. So that in the end (for the present), you see, Heigho for Rowing! Of the race between Big BULL and Little FROGGIE. BULL's fame, in a boat, seems all gammon and spinach. Heigho for British Rowing! ] * * * * * [Illustration: LOOKING AHEAD. _Miss Golightly_ (_the Friend of the Family, and to whom Sir Percy (the elder) has proposed_). "OF COURSE I'M AWFULLY OBLIGED, SIR PERCY--BUT, SAY NOW, DON'T YOU THINK THERE WOULD BE SOME DANGER OF MY FALLING IN LOVE WITH YOUR ELDEST SON?"] * * * * * MR. CHAUNCEY DEPEW, the well-known American lawyer, wonders why on earth the British Government has not long ago given Home Rule to Ireland. He encourages Mr. G.'s Ministry to do their best in this direction, and chaunce-y it. We're always delighted to welcome Mr. CHAUNCEY DEPEW in England, so let him come over with a Depewtation to Mr. G. on the subject. * * * * * EQUESTRIAN FRUIT.--At the Horticultural Show the Baroness BURDETT-COUTTS exhibited a "Cob of ADAM's Early Maize." No particulars are given. Was it 14'1 and a weight-carrier? Being ADAM's, it must be about the oldest in the world. "Maize" may be a misprint for "Mews." Next time the Baroness must send a pear. * * * * * PROBABLE DEDUCTION.--A pertinacious Salvation Army Captain was worrying a Scotch farmer, whom he had met in the train, with perpetual inquiries as to whether "he had been born again of Water and the Spirit?" At last, MCSANDY replied, "Aweel, I dinna reetly ken how that may be, but my good old feyther and mither took their toddy releegiously every nicht, the noo." * * * * * THE AUSTRO-GERMAN OFFICER'S VADE-MECUM. _Q._ You have heard of the Ride from Berlin to Vienna, and _vice versâ_? _A._ Yes; and of the mishaps that befell many of the competitors. _Q._ You mean their horses? _A._ What applies to the one applies to the other. _Q._ Some of the poor steeds died on the journey? _A._ I daresay--of course, it was hard work. _Q._ And you have read that, even when the poor horses were fainting and refusing food, the riders still went on? _A._ Of course. The riders had magnificent pluck and nerve. _Q._ What, to observe the anguish of their chargers without emotion? _A._ No! The idea! I mean they had pluck and nerve in spite of all discouragement to push on to the winning-post. _Q._ And what do you think this breaking down of the horses proved? _A._ That, after all, the creatures were brutes--only brutes! _Q._ Does not the suffering of these brutes suggest-- _A._ That the riders were brutes too?--Ah! [_No further question put, the Answerer having mastered the subject._ * * * * * IN EXCELSIS.--No better example of the methods employed by Vivisectionists could be given than was presented at the Church Congress last week, where in debate on this subject they were all engaged in cutting up one another. The Bishop of EDINBURGH, denouncing the morality of the Bishop of MANCHESTER and of Bishop BARRY, was a rare sight. His Lordship said that the morality of these two Bishops was "up in a balloon." Well, surely this is morality of the most elevated description. These Bishops are not "_in partibus_," but _in nubibus_. * * * * * IN WATER COLOURS.--The East London Waterworks Company had a very successful meeting the other day. _Inter alia_ the Chairman said, that "the Waltham Well is a complete success." _Ergo_ let Well alone. That from this source they still supplied "36 gallons per head." The heads must be uncommonly hard to stand all this water on the brain. A dividend of eight per cent. is, after all, a very pleasant draught. * * * * * "GREEN THE GUIDE." (_A SKETCH ON A "ROYAL BLUE" CAR AT JERSEY._) _On the Car is, among others, an Elderly Gentleman, in a tall hat, with a quantity of wraps; a Stout Shopkeeper, with a stouter Wife; a Serious Commercial Traveller, and a couple of young "Shop-ladies"; a Morose Young Man, who has "got out of bed the wrong side" that morning, and another, who has begun his potations rather early, and is in the muzzily talkative mood. The Car is one of a long string of similar vehicles, and is proceeding at a rapid rate along one of the winding roads._ _The Muzzy Man_. Frivolous, am I? Well, we _came_ 'ere to be frivolous--to a certain extent. Am I out of the way in anything I've said? Because I woke this morning with a dry month, and I don't mind saying I've had a little drop o' brandy since. _His Neighbour_. You might let people find out that for themselves, _I_ should think! _The Muzzy M._ No--I like to be honest and straightforward, I do. I don't want to be out of the _way_, you understand. _The Shopkeeper's Wife_ (_to her Neighbour_). This is a pretty part of the road we're on now--but, lor! there's nothing 'ere to come up to the Isle of Man. Douglas, now--that _is_ a nice place, with all them Music Halls! And the scenery--why, I'm sure I felt sometimes as if I _must_ stop, just to _look_ at it! _The Muzzy Man_. I consider scenery we're coming to most beautiful I've seen for--for miles around. [_He goes to sleep._ [Illustration: "An elderly Gentleman, in a tall hat, with a quantity of wraps."] _The Shopkeeper_ (_to the Elderly G., who is shifting and turning about uneasily_). Lost anything, Sir? _The E.G._ No--thank you, no. I was looking to see whether GREEN the Guide was on the car. (_Shouts of laughter are heard from the car behind._) Ah, _that's_ GREEN the Guide! I wish he'd come on our oar--very amusing fellow, Sir--capital company! _The Morose M._ (_to the Young Lady 'on his Left_) Who's GREEN the Guide? _The Y.L._ Oh, don't you know? He comes with the cars and makes jokes and all that. I hope he'll come to us. _The Mor. M._ _I_ don't. I can do that sort of thing for myself if I want to, I hope. [_With a scowl._ _The Y.L._ Well, there's no harm in _hoping_! _The Serious Comm. T._ (_to his neighbour--one of the Shop-ladies_). So you come from Birmingham? Dear me, now. I used to be there very often on business at one time. Do you know the Rev. Mr. PODGER there? A good old gentleman, he is. I used to attend his Chapel regular--most improving discourses he used to give us. I am fond of a good Sermon, aren't you? &c. [_He imagines--not altogether correctly--that he is producing an agreeable impression._ _A Young Man in a Frock-coat, Canvas-shoes, and Cloth-cap._ Scarborough? Yes, I've _been_ there--but I don't care about it much. You have to _dress_ such a lot there, y' know, and I like to come out just as I am! [_The conversation, notwithstanding its brilliancy, is beginning to flag--when the car is boarded by a stalwart good-looking man, carrying a banjo, and wearing a leather shoulder-belt with "GREEN the Guide" in brass letters upon it; the Elderly Gentleman, and most of the Ladies welcome him with effusion, while the Younger Men appear to resent his appearance._ _The Mor. M._ (_sotto voce_). If he's going to play that old instrument of torture, I shall _howl_, that's all! _Green the Guide_ (_in a deep baritone voice_). Well, Ladies and Gentlemen, I congratulate you upon having a fine day for our excursion. My glass went up three feet this morning. _The Morose Man_ (_aggressively_). Was there whiskey inside it? _Green the Guide_. No, Sir, it would have gone down suddenly if there had been. (_The_ Elderly G. _asks for a song_.) I shall be delighted to entertain you to the best of my ability. What would you like to have? _The Mor. M._ None of your songs--give us an imitation--of a deaf and dumb man. _Green the G._ (_with perfect good-humour_). I shall be happy to do the deaf man, Sir,--if you'll help me by doing the dumb. (_The_ Mor. M. _begins to feel that he had better leave_ GREEN the Guide _alone._) Well, Ladies and Gentlemen, I'll sing you a good old-fashioned hunting-song, and I'll ask you to join me in the Chorus. [_He sings "We'll all go out hunting to-day!"_ _The Mor. M._ (_after the First Verse_). The beggar don't sing so badly. I will say _that_ for him! (_After the Third._) Capital voice he has! Rattling good Chorus, too! "Join the glad throng that goes laughing along, and we'll all go a-hunting to-day!" (_At the end._) Bravo! encore! encore! [_His good-humour is suddenly and miraculously restored._ _Green the G._ (_in a tone of instruction_). You will notice that the thistle is very abundant just here, Ladies and Gentlemen. The reason of _that_, is that some years ago a vessel was wrecked on this part of the coast which was sailing from Scotland with a cargo of thistledown. (_Outcry of incredulity_.) If you don't believe me, ask the Coachman. _The Coachman_ (_stolidly_). It's a fact, Gentlemen, I assure you. _G. the G._ The soil of Jersey is remarkably productive; if you plant a sixpence, it will come up a shilling in no time. The cabbages on this island grow to an extraordinary height, frequently attaining twenty feet--(_outcry_)--yes, if you measure up one side, and down the other. (_They pass a couple of sheep on a slope._) The finest flock of sheep in the island. The dark one is not black, only a little sunburnt. The house you see on that hill over there was formerly slept in by CHARLES THE SECOND. He left a pair of slippers behind him--which have since grown into top-boots. There you see the only windmill in this part of the island--there _used_ to be three, but it was found there was not enough wind for them all. From here you have a clear view of the coast of France; and, when the wind is blowing in this direction, you have an excellent opportunity of acquiring the French accent in all its purity. (_This string of somewhat hoary chestnuts meets with a success beyond their intrinsic merits, the_ Morose Man _being as much entertained as anybody._) On your right is an inland lake of fresh water-- _The Muzzy Man_ (_waking up with sudden interest_). Can you drink it with perfect impunity? _G. the G._ Depends how far you are accustomed to it as a beverage, Sir. (_The car stops at an hotel._) We stop here two hours, Ladies and Gentlemen, to enable you to lunch, and examine the caves afterwards. You can leave anything you like on the cars except five-pound notes--and they _might_ get blown away! ON THE WAY HOME. _The Shopkeeper's Wife_ (_to her Husband_). Ah, TOM, it's just as well you stayed behind--you'd never have got through those caves! You wouldn't believe I could ha' done it unless you'd seen me--clambering down iron ladders, and jumping on to rocks, and squeezing through tunnels, and then up a cliff like the side of a house. I do _wish_ you could ha' seen me, TOM! _Tom_ (_philosophically_). Ah, well, I was very comfortable where I was, settin' in the hotel room there, smoking my pipe. GREEN the Guide gave us, "_Rocked in the Cradle of the Deep_," in first-rate style--he is a _singer_, and no mistake! _His Wife_. Lor, I wish I'd known he was going to sing--I'd ha' stayed too! But here he is, waiting by the road for us--I do hope he's going to sing again! _Green the G._ (_mounting the car_). I fear I am an unwelcome visitor. _The Eld. G._ (_graciously_). It would be the first time in your life then, GREEN! _G. the G._ Well, the fact is, I come to levy a little contribution on behalf of myself and the Coachman. Times are hard, Gentlemen, and both of us have large families to support. If you don't believe me, ask the Coachman. (_The Elderly G. explains that his wrappings prevent him from getting at his purse just then, while the others contribute with more or less readiness and liberality_.) Many thanks. Ladies and Gentlemen, on behalf of myself and the Coachman, and to express my sense of your generosity, I will sing you the great Jersey National Song, composed by myself, before leaving. (_He sings a ditty with the following spirited Chorus_):-- There the streets are paved with granite. So neat and clean And lots of pretty, witty girls, are always to be seen! With the brave old Mi-litia, Our foes to defy! And there they grow the Cabba-ges--Ten feet high! (_All together, Gentlemen, please_!) Yes, there they grow the Cabbages, there they grow the Cabbages, there they grow the Cabbages--Ten feet high! Thank you, Gentlemen, I've sung that song a number of times, and I never remember hearing the chorus better sung. If you don't believe me, ask the Coachman. _Coachman._ _I've_ never 'eard it better sung, Ladies and Gentlemen, I assure you. [_GREEN the Guide descends in a blaze of popularity, and the "Royal Blue" rolls on in excellent spirits._ * * * * * POLITICAL TRAINING. _Monday_.--Read Mr. CHAMBERLAIN's remarks on abstinence from bodily exercise. Sold my bicycle, and gave away all my rackets, bats, &c. Resolved to follow the latest system. Shall doubtless, by these means, reach Mr. C.'s high position as a statesman and orator. Went out in a Bath-chair. Five minutes after starting, man said he was not accustomed to drag so heavy an invalid, and must rest a little. Tried a speech--my maiden one--on the Disadvantages of Bodily Exercise. He listened respectfully, and, when at last I had finished, said he quite agreed with me, and that the fare was seven shillings. _Tuesday_.--Have decided that exercise in a Bath-chair is quite superfluous. Resolved to take exercise, for the future, in a hammock, just outside the garden-door. Must practise speech-making to the gardener. Good idea--Orchids. Asked him what he thought about the new Orchid. Miserable fool answered, "Awkud, zur? Dunno waht thaht be." I said that was "awkud," and had to laugh at the highly original side-splitter myself, as he never saw it. _Wednesday_.--Must really give up this long walk to the garden-door. Shall never become a great statesman unless I do. Resolved to take exercise in arm-chair in library. The children's governess came in to fetch a book. Addressed her at some length on Free Education. Afterwards, thought this subject was somewhat ill-chosen, as her salary is so small. _Thursday_.--Really cannot stand this walking up and down stairs. Shall remain for the future in my bed-room and take exercise on sofa by fireside, as I feel chilly. Page came in with coals. Reminded me of Policy of Scuttle. Spoke of this at some length, and woke him up with difficulty when I had finished. Felt rather unwell. _Friday_.--Dressing and undressing is certainly needless fatigue, and evidently causes this headache and general seediness. Shall take exercise in bed. Felt worse. Female relatives anxious, and insist on medical attendance. Assured them I was following the best system, and answered their persistent demands by a short address on Home Rule. _Saturday_.--Felt so bad at five this morning, that Doctor was fetched. Tried feebly to address him on the Eight Hours' Question, when he said he never had any time to think how long he worked. Explained my new system to him. He said I should myself want a new system to stand such a course of treatment. Then he pulled me out of bed, and insisted on my walking ten miles as soon as I was dressed. Felt much better. Shall abandon politics and become a farmer, having just heard of an infallible system for growing wheat profitably. * * * * * THE "RESTORATION" PERIOD.--Will the Chairmen of the L.C. & D. and the S.E. Lines unite their forces? After the meeting on this subject last week, Sir EDWARD will have lots of reason to listen to. But apart from every consideration of _mal de mer_, and "From Calais to Dover," as the poet sings "'Tis soonest over," there is not anywhere a better, and we, who have suffered as greatly as the much-enduring Ulysses, venture to assert not anywhere as good a luncheon as at the "Restauration" (well it deserves the title!) of the Calais Station. Every patriotic travelling Englishman must be delighted to think that some few centuries ago we gave up Calais. Had it been nowadays in English hands, why it might even now be possessed of a "Refreshment Room" no better than--any on our side of the Channel, for there is no necessity to particularise. From Dover to Calais is the shortest and best restorative'd route for the traveller, whether ill or well, at sea. * * * * * MOTTOES for the new Lord MAYOR. "_Nil obstet_," "_Nil fortius_," and, from HORACE, "_Nil amplius oro_." This, in answer to thousands of correspondents, is our last word on the subject; so after this (except on the 9th of November), we say--_nil_. * * * * * SUCH A "LIGHT OPERA!" [Illustration: "Pity a Poo' Bar-itone!"] Had Sir ARTHUR written the music for _The Mountebanks_, and Sir BRIAN DE BOIS GILBERT the book of _Haddon Hall_, both might have been big successes So, however, it was not to be, and Sir ARTHUR chose this book by Mr. GRUNDY, which labours under the disadvantages of being original, and of not owing almost everything to a French source. It isn't every day of the week that Mr. GRUNDY tumbles upon _A Pair of Spectacles_ in a volume of French plays. The period to which the very slight and uninteresting story of _Haddon Hall_ belongs is just before the Restoration, but the dialogue of "the book" is spiced with modern slang, both "up to date" (the date being this present year of Grace, not sixteen hundred and sixty) and out of date. The "out-of-date" slang, which is, "_I've got 'em on"_--alluding to the Scotchman's trousers--has by far the best of it, as it comes at the end of the piece, and enjoys the honour of having been set to music by the variously-gifted Composer: so that "_I've got 'em on_," with its enthusiastically treble-encored whiskey fling, capitally danced by Miss NITA COLE as _Nance_, with Mr. DENNY as _The McCrankie_, may be considered as the real hit of the evening, having in itself about as much to do with whatever there is of the plot as would have the entrance of Mr. JOEY GRIMALDI, in full Clown's costume, with "Here we are again!" Of the music, as there was very little to catch and take away, one had to leave it. Of course this seriously comic or comically serious Opera is drawing--["_Music_," observes Mr. WAGG, parenthetically, "cannot be _drawing_"]--and will continue to do so for some little time, long enough at all events to reimburse Mr. D'OYLY CARTE for his more than usually lavish outlay on the _mise-en-scène._ [Illustration:"Christmas is comin'!" The McClown of McClown dancing. The Reel Hit of the Opera. In the Second Act, the mechanical change from the exterior of Haddon Hall to the interior, must be reckoned as among the most effective transformations ever seen on any stage. It would be still more so if the time occupied in making it were reduced one-half, and the storm in the orchestra, and the lightning seen through black gauze on stage were omitted. The lightning frightens nobody, only amuses a few, and in itself is no very great attraction. Even if these flashes were a very striking performance; no danger to the audience need be apprehended from it, seeing that Mr. CELLIER is in front as "Conductor." Perhaps Mr. D'OYLY CARTE, noticing that Mr. GRUNDY calls his piece "a light Opera," thought that, as it wasn't quite up to this description, it would be as well if the required "light'ning" were brought in somewhere, and so he introduced it here. If this be so, it is about the only flash of genius in the performance. * * * * * [Illustration: POST-PRANDIAL PESSIMISTS. SCENE--_The Smoking-room at the Decadents._ _First Decadent_ (_M.A. Oxon._). "AFTER ALL, SMYTHE, WHAT WOULD LIFE BE WITHOUT COFFEE?" _Second Decadent_ (_B.A. Camb._). "TRUE, JEOHNES, TRUE! AND YET, AFTER ALL, WHAT IS LIFE _WITH_ COFFEE?"] * * * * * "CROSSING THE BAR." IN MEMORIAM. ALFRED LORD TENNYSON. BORN, AUGUST 5, 1809. DIED, OCTOBER 6, 1892. "TALIESSEN is our fullest throat of song."--_The Holy Grail_. Our fullest throat of song is silent, hushed In Autumn, when the songless woods are still, And with October's boding hectic flushed Slowly the year disrobes. A passionate thrill Of strange proud sorrow pulses through the land, His land, his England, which he loved so well: And brows bend low, as slow from strand to strand The Poet's passing bell Sends forth its solemn note, and every heart Chills, and sad tears to many an eyelid start. Sad tears in sooth! And yet not wholly so. Exquisite echoes of his own swan-song Forbid mere murmuring mournfulness; the glow Of its great hope illumes us. Sleep, thou strong Full tide, as over the unmeaning bar Fares this unfaltering darer of the deep, Beaconed by a Great Light, the pilot-star Of valiant souls, who keep Through the long strife of thought-life free from scathe The luminous guidance of the larger faith. No sadness of farewell? Great Singer, crowned With lustrous laurel, facing that far light, In whose white radiance dark seems whelmed and drowned, And death a passing shade, of meaning slight; Sunset, and evening star, and that clear call, The twilight shadow, and the evening bell, Bring naught of gloom for thee. Whate'er befall Thou must indeed fare well. But we--we have but memories now, and love The plaint of fond regret will scarce reprove. Great singer, he, and great among the great, Or greatness hath no sure abiding test. The poet's splendid pomp, the shining state Of royal singing robes, were his, confest, By slowly growing certitude of fame, Since first, a youth, he found fresh-opening portals To Beauty's Pleasure-House. Ranked with acclaim Amidst the true Immortals, The amaranth fields with native ease he trod, Authentic son of the lyre-bearing god. Fresh portals, untrod pleasaunces, new ways In Art's great Palace, shrined in Nature's heart, Sought the young singer, and his limpid lays, O'er sweet, perchance, yet made the quick blood start To many a cheek mere glittering; rhymes left cold. But through the gates of Ivory or of Horn His vivid vision flocked, and who so bold As to repulse with scorn The shining troop because of shadowy birth. Of bodiless passion, or light tinkling mirth? But the true god-gift grows. Sweet, sweet, still sweet As great Apollo's lyre, or Pan's plain reed, His music flowed, but slowly he out-beat His song to finer issues. Fingers fleet, That trifled with the pipe-stops, shook grand sound From the great organ's golden mouths anon. A mellow-measured might, a beauty bound (As Venus with her zone) By that which shaped from chaos Earth, Air, Sky, The unhampering restraint of Harmony. Hysteric ecstasy, new fierce, now faint, But ever fever-sick, shook not his lyre With epileptic fervours. Sensual taint Of satyr heat, or bacchanal desire, Polluted not the passion of his song; No corybantic clangor clamoured through Its manly harmonies, as sane as strong; So that the captious few Found sickliness in pure Elysian balm, And coldness in such high Olympian calm. [Illustration: "CROSSING THE BAR." "TWILIGHT AND EVENING BELL, AND AFTER THAT THE DARK" "AND MAY THERE BE NO SADNESS OF FAREWELL, WHEN I EMBARK."--TENNYSON.] Impassioned purity, high minister Of spirit's joys, was his, reserved, restrained. His song was like the sword Excalibur Of his symbolic knight; trenchant, unstained. It shook the world of wordly baseness, smote The Christless heathendom of huckstering days. There is no harshness in that mellow note, No blot upon those bays; For loyal love and knightly valour rang Through rich immortal music when he sang. ARTHUR, his friend, the Modern Gentleman, ARTHUR, the hero, his ideal Knight, Inspired his strains. From fount to flood they ran A flawless course of melody and light. A Christian chivalry shone in his song From Locksley Hall to shadowy Lyonnesse, Whence there stand forth two figures, stately, strong, Symbols of spirit's stress; The blameless King, saintship with scarce a blot, And song's most noble sinner, LANCELOT. Lover of England, lord of English hearts, Master of English speech, painter supreme Of English landscape! Patriot passion starts A-flame, pricked by the words that glow and gleam In those imperial pæans, which might arm Pale cowards for the fray. Touched by his hand The simple sweetness, and the homely charm Of our green garden-land Take on a witchery as of Arden's glade, Or verdant Vallombrosa's leafy shade. The fragrant fruitfulness of wood and wold, Of flowery upland, and of orchard-lawn, Lit by the lingering evening's softened gold, Or flushed with rose-hued radiance of the dawn; Bird-music beautiful; the robin's trill, Or the rook's drowsy clangour; flats that run From sky to sky, dusk woods that drape the hill, Still lakes that draw the sun; All, all are mirror'd in his verse, and there Familiar beauties shine most strangely fair. Poet, the pass-key magical was thine, To Beauty's Fairy World, in classic calm Or rich romantic colour. Bagdat's shrine By sheeny Tigris, Syrian pool and palm, Avilion's bowery hollows, Ida's peak, The lily-laden Lotos land, the fields Of amaranth! What may vagrant Fancy seek More than thy rich song yields, Of Orient odour, Faëry wizardry, Or soft Arcadian simplicity? From all, far Faëry Land, Romance's realm, Green English homestead, cloud-crown'd Attic hill, The Poet passes--whither? Not the helm Of wounded ARTHUR, lit by light that fills Avilion's fair horizons, gleamed more bright Than does that leonine laurelled visage now, Fronting with steadfast look that mystic Light. Grave eye, and gracious brow Turn from the evening bell, the earthly shore, To face the Light that floods him evermore. Farewell! How fitlier should a poet pass Than thou from that dim chamber and the gleam Of poor earth's purest radiance? Love, alas! Of that strange scene must long in sorrow dream. But we--we hear thy manful music still! A royal requiem for a kingly soul! No sadness of farewell! Away regret, When greatness nears its goal! We follow thee, in thought, through light, afar Divinely piloted beyond the bar! * * * * * TO MY SWEETHEART. ["Those roses you bought and gave to me are marvels. They are still alive."--_Her Letter_.] [Illustration] A Hothouse where some roses blew, And, whilst the outer world was white, The gentle roses softly grew To fragrant visions of delight. Some wretched florist owned them all, And plucked them from their native bowers, Then gaily showed them on his stall To swell the ranks of "Fresh-Cut Flowers." _Some_ went beside a bed of pain Where influenza claimed its due; They drooped and never smiled again, The epidemic had them too. A gay young gallant bought some buds, And jauntily went out to dine With other reckless sporting bloods, Who talked of women, drank of wine; But whilst they talked, and smoked, and drank, And told tales not too sanctified. Abashed the timid blossoms shrank, Changed colour, faded, and then died. Yet roses, too, I gave to you, I saw you place them near your heart, You wore them all the evening through, You wore them when we came to part. But now you write to me, my dear, And marvel that they are not dead, Their beauty does not disappear, Their fragrant perfume has not fled. The reason's plain. Somehow aright The flowers know if we ignore them. The roses live for sheer delight At knowing, Sweetheart, that _you_ wore them. * * * * * THOUGHTS--NOT WORTH A PENNY. (_FRAGMENT FROM THE BURLESQUE-ROMANCE OF "NO CENTS; OR, THE NEW CRITICISM."_) The Critic of the new cult visited a tailor's establishment, and was delighted with all he saw. There were coats, and vests, and other garments. "I make some fifty per cent. profit," said the proprietor of the establishment, stroking his moustache with a hand adorned with many a diamond ring. "Of course it causes some labour, thought, and time--but I get my money for my trouble." "And why not?" replied the Critic. "Are you not worth it? Do you not devote your energy to it? Must you not live?" And, having said this, the Reviewer visited another place of business. This time he had entered the office of a Stockbroker. "Of course it is rather anxious work sometimes," said the alternative representative of a bull and a bear. "But it pays in the long run. I manage to keep up a house in South Kensington, and a carriage and pair, out of my takings." "Again, why not?" responded the Critic. "You have a wife and family. Must you not live?" Then the Critic visited Cheesemongers, and Bankers, Solicitors, and Upholsterers. At last, he reached the modest abode of an Author. "Ah!" said he, in a tone of contempt; "you write books and plays! Why? "Why, to sell them," answered the Poet, in a faltering voice. "Sell them!" echoed the Critic, in tones of thunder. "What do you mean by that?" "Why, one must live!" "Nonsense! The universe can get on very well without anyone. You might be dispensed with; and, if it comes to that, so might I. Yes, I am not wanted." "Quite true!" murmured the Author; "indeed, you are not!" "And, after all, what _is_ your work? Mere brain action! Anyone who could wield a pen could do it for you! And you expect to be paid, as if you were a tradesman--a Tailor or an Upholsterer!" "But am I not a man and a brother? Do I not get hungry, like anyone else? Have I not a wife and family?" "That is entirely beside the question," persisted the Critic. "All you have to consider are the claims of Art. Now, Art is not to be served by paid votaries." "Then I suppose am unworthy," replied the Author, mournfully shaking his head. Well, let us exchange places. You shall be the Author, and I will be the Critic." "Very sorry, my dear friend, but that is an unjust division. By that means you would receive all the money." "And why not? If I am to write, why am I not to be paid?" "Because it is beneath the dignity of an Author to write with a view to obtaining cash." "Indeed! Well, I am tired of work. You have nothing to do but criticise. Let us swap positions." "Are you mad?" shouted the Critic. "Why, I am fond of my work. You don't imagine I am going to give up my salary to you? Why, it would demoralise you. I know the drawback of the system." And the Author applied himself to the study of the New Criticism, and it seemed as great a mystery to him as ever. * * * * * LADY GAY'S SELECTIONS. _Mount Street, Grosvenor Square_. DEAR MR. PUNCH, Nothing but a keen sense of duty, coupled with the possession of _the_ smartest thing in waterproof overcoats ever seen, would have tempted me to go racing last week; but the claims of Hurst Park were not to be denied, and my reward was, assisting at perhaps the most successful meeting ever held there--(the backers "went down" to a man, and so did the excellent lunch--so what more _could_ you want?)--and, in addition, being told by at least twenty people, the name of the winner of the Cesarewitch!--they all named different horses, so that _one_ is almost certain to be able to say next week, in that annoying tone of voice people adopt after a successful prophecy--(this does _not_ apply to Just Prophets, who are notoriously modest in success)--"_There_! I _told_ you it was a certainty for _Whiteface_!--couldn't lose!--_of course_ you backed it, after what I told you!"--which of course was the very reason why you _hadn't_ backed it; however--as he may really be able to tell you something on a future occasion, you put on a ghastly smile, and say--"Oh, yes--I had a trifle on--but my _money_ was on _Blackfoot_ before you told me--but it got me out!"--and it does "get you out" too, for nothing is more annoying than to be told you "ought to have won a good stake!" However, with regard to the great race next week, I am fortunately able to set aside all "information received," because I have had _a dream_!--not one of the ordinary lobster-salad kind of racing-dreams one reads about--(naturally _I_ should not have an inferior kind, having ordered in a stock of the "best selected," one to be taken every night at bed-time)--in which the dreamer only sees _one_ horse--but a most complicated affair, from which it will be an easy task for anyone skilled in dream-lore to extract the winner! Well--I had been rather upset during the day, so to quiet my nerves, on reaching home, I took, before going to bed, just a little _Golden Drop_ of _Brandy_ as an _Insurance_ against restlessness--went to sleep, and dreamt that my friends _Lady Villikins_ and _Madame d'Albany_, with their maid _Helen Ware_, were attacked on their way from _Illsley_ to _Weymouth_, by some _Dare Devil_ of a _Circassian_, whose horse's hoofs rang in a _Metallic_ manner on the road! They were rescued in the pass of _Ben Avon_ by the gallant _Burnaby_, who after a long _Rigmarole_, squared their captor, _Roy Neil_, with a _Hanover Jack_, and acted as their _Pilot_ to safe quarters at _Versailles_! There!--that was my dream--and I think it points most conclusively to the winner; and, anyone unable to pick the right one, need only back them _all_, and there you are!--or at least you _may_ be. If they don't care to do this, they can avail themselves of my verse selection--which I did _not_ dream--and which, therefore, is _quite_ as reliable. Yours, devotedly, LADY GAY. CESAREWITCH SELECTION. Oh, _Weymouth_ is a pleasant _place_, And bathing tents are handy; When coming out, if white your face, Why, take a nip of _Brandy_. P.S.--This advice is not intended for confirmed Topers. * * * * * "SUR LE TAPIS."--If the new Carpet Knight, Sir BLONDEL MAPLE--which is our troubadourish way of spelling it--be exceptionally successful on the Turf, isn't he just the man to "make his 'pile' and cut it"? * * * * * [Illustration: A CONTENTED MIND. _He_. "A--THE FACT IS, I DON'T CARE FOR POPULARITY. I ONLY WISH MY BOOKS TO BE ADMIRED BY THOSE WHOSE ADMIRATION IS REALLY WORTH HAVING!" _She_. "AND WHO ARE THEY?" _He_. "THOSE WHO ADMIRE MY BOOKS!"] * * * * * OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. Not the least interesting figure in the circle of _The Racing Life of Lord George Bentinck_, which Messrs. BLACKWOOD produce in a handsome volume, is that of JOHN KENT, who, under the editorship of Mr. FRANK LAWLEY, tells the story. KENT was trainer to Lord GEORGE during the period when, to quote the characteristic Disraelian phrase, his Lordship became "Lord Paramount of the Turf." It is forty-four years since Lord GEORGE was found lying dead on his face in the water-meadows near Welbeck Abbey. Yet KENT remembers all about him--his six feet of height, his long black frock-coat, his velvet waistcoat, his gold chain, and his "costly cream-coloured satin scarf of great length, knotted under his chin, with a gold pin stuck in it." These scarves cost twenty shillings a-piece, and it was one of Lord GEORGE's fancies never to wear one a second time. When he died whole drawersful of them were found, and honest JOHN KENT purchased half-a-dozen from his Lordship's valet, who seems to have kept his eye on them. Did he ever wear them on Sundays? My Baronite who has been reading the book trows not. JOHN KENT knows his place better than that, and when he goes the way that masters and servants tread together, the scarves will doubtless be found tucked away in _his_ chest of drawers. My Baronite is not able to take the same lofty view of the defunct nobleman who played at politics and worked at racing as does his faithful old servitor. Lord GEORGE seems to have been, as the cabman observed of the late JOHN FORSTER, "a harbitery gent," kind to those who faithfully serve him (as one is kind to a useful hound), but relentless to any who offended him or crossed his path. Moreover, whilst, as his biographer devoutly says, he purified the turf, he was not, upon occasion, above fighting blacklegs with their own weapons. The book gives clear glimpses of men and times which, less than half a century dead, will never live again. It pleasantly testifies that, though no man may be a hero to his valet, Lord GEORGE BENTINCK remains one in the eyes of his trainer. The Baron not having read a three-volume novel for some considerable time, may safely affirm, instead of taking his oath, that Mrs. OLIPHANT's _The Cuckoo in the Nest_ is one of the best he has come across for quite two months. It opens well, and if it drops a bit about the middle, there are all sorts of surprises yet in store for the reader, who, the Baron assures him or her, will be rewarded for his, or her, perseverance. The Baron begs to recommend the latest volume of the Whitefriars Library, called _King Zub_, by W.H. POLLOCK. _Zub_ is a wise poodle, and the waggish tale of the dog gives the name to the collection. _The Fleeting Show_ is quite on a par with _The Green Lady_ in a former collection by the same author, and such other stories as _Sir Jocelyn's Cap_ and _A Phantom Fish_ will delight those who, like the Baron, love the mixture as before of the weird and the humorous. In the _Phantom Fish_ there is much local dialect, and The Baron coming across the expression, "a proper bender," is inclined to ask if this is not Zummerzetsheer for, and only applicable to, a running hare? The Baron remembers the expression well, though 'tis years since he heard it, and owns to being uncertain as to whether it is not Devonian or Cornish. That he heard it applied to a hare apparent he is prepared to make oath and say; but he is not in the least prepared to assert that it is not generally applied as an expression of admiration for adroitness in avoiding pursuit. "Be that as it may, give me _King Zub_ and the other stories, a good fire, a glass of spiritual comfort, a cosy chair, and a soothing pipe, and I am prepared to spend a pleasant evening," says THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS. * * * * * [Illustration: MR. PUNCH'S DEER-STALKING PARTY.] * * * * * CONVERSATIONAL HINTS FOR YOUNG SHOOTERS. (_BY MR. PUNCH'S OWN GROUSE IN THE GUN-ROOM._) In our last (it is _Mr. Punch_ who speaks), we indicated very briefly the conversational possibilities of the Gun. It must be observed, that this treatise makes no pretensions to be exhaustive. Something must, after all, be left to the ingenuity of the young shooter who desires to talk of sport. All that these hints profess, is to put him in the way of shining, if there is a certain amount of natural brightness to begin upon. The next subject will be-- CARTRIDGES. [Illustration] To a real talker, this subject offers an infinite variety of opportunities. First, you can begin to fight the battle of the powders, as thus:-- "What powder are you shooting with this year, CHALMERS?" "Schultze." "How do you find it kill?" "Deadly--absolutely-deadly: best lot I've ever had." You need not say anything more now. The discussion will get along beautifully without you, for you will have drawn, (1), the man who very much prefers E.C., which he warrants to kill at a distance no other powder can attain to; (2), the man who uses E.C. or Schultze for his right barrel, and always puts a black-powder cartridge into his left; (3), the detester of innovations, who means to go on using the good old black-powder for both barrels as long as he lives; and (4), the man who is trying an entirely new patent powder, infinitely superior to anything else ever invented, and is willing to give everybody, not only the address of the maker, but half a dozen cartridges to try. You cannot make much of "charges" of powder. Good shots are dogmatic on the point, and ordinary shots don't bother their heads about it, trusting entirely to the man who sells them their cartridges. Still you might throw out, here and there, a few words about "drams" and "grains." Only, above all things, be careful _not_ to mention drams in connection with anything but black powder, nor grains, except with reference to Schultze or E.C. A laboriously-acquired reputation as a scientific shot has been known to be ruined by a want of clearness on this important point. "Shot." Conversationally much more valuable than powder. "Very few people agree," says a well-known authority; "as to what is the best size of shot to use, and many forget that the charge which will suit one gun, and one description of game, will not do as well for another. Usually, one gun will shoot better one size of shot than will another, and we may safely say, that large bores shoot large shot better than do smaller bores." This last sentence has the beautiful ring of a profound truism. Lay it by for use, and bring it out with emphasis in the midst of such disagreement and forgetfulness as are here alluded to. "If a shooter is a good shot," says the same classic, "he may use No. 6 early in the season, and only for partridges--afterwards, nothing but No. 5. To the average shot, No. 6 throughout the season." This sounds dreadfully invidious. If a good shot cannot kill grouse with No. 6, how on earth is a merely average shot to do the trick? But, in these matters, the conversationalist finds his opportunity. Only they must not be pushed too far. There was once a party of genial, light-hearted friends, who went out shooting. Early in the day, slight differences of opinion made themselves observed with reference to the size of shot. Lunch found them still more or less good-tempered, but each obstinately determined not to give way even by a fraction on the point under discussion. [Illustration] Afterwards they began again. The very dogs grew ashamed of the noise, and went home. That afternoon there was peace in the world of birds--at least, on that particular shooting--and the next morning saw the shooting-parties of England reduced by one, which had separated in different dog-carts, and various stages of high dudgeon, for the railway station. So, please to be very, very careful. Use the methods of compromise. If you find your friend obstinately pinned to No. 5, when you have declared a preference for No. 6, meet him half-way, or even profess to be converted by his arguments. Or tell him the anecdote about the Irishman, who always shot snipe with No. 4, because, "being such a little bird, bedad, you want a bigger shot to get at the beggar." You can then inform him how you yourself once did dreadful execution among driven grouse in a gale of wind with No. 8 shot, which you had brought out by mistake. You may object that you never, as a matter of fact, did this execution, never having even shot at all with No. 8. Tush! you are puling. If you are going to let a conscientious accuracy stand in your way like this, you had better become dumb when sporting talk is flying about. Of course you must not exaggerate too much. Only bumptious fools do that, and they are called liars for their pains. But a _little_ exaggeration, just a _soupçon_ of romance, does no one any harm, while it relieves the prosaic dullness of the ordinary anecdote. So, swallow your scruples, and Join the gay throng That goes talking along, For we'll all go romancing to-day. (_To be continued._) * * * * * DOE VERSUS ROE(DENT). ["The basements of the Royal Courts of Justice have lately been invaded by swarms of mice. They have become very audacious, and have penetrated into the Courts themselves, whose walls are lined with legal volumes, the leaves of which provide them with a rich feast."--_Daily Paper_.] For students of the law to "eat Their terms" is obviously right, But to devour the books themselves Is impolite. Unfortunately Mr. STREET. Who planned the legal edif-[=i]ce, Designed a splendid trap for men, But not for mice. To view the Courts at midnight now, The Courts all in the stilly Strand, With rodents squeaking out their pleas, That _would_ be grand! No Ushers 'ush them; they consume The stiffest calf you ever saw, Developing, these curious beasts, A taste for Law. They fill--perhaps--the box wherein, Twelve bothered men have often sat, And try, with every proper form, Some absent cat. A fore-mouse probably they choose, The culprit's advocate deride, And fix upon that cat the guilt Of mouseycide. At the Refreshment-bars, perchance, They eat the cakes, and drink the milk, And in the Robing-room indulge In "taking silk." The Judges' sacred Bench itself From scampering feet is not exempt; With calmness they commit, of Court, Frightful "contempt." Through _Byles on Bills_ they eat their way; Law "Digests" they at will digest; Not even _Coke on Littleton_ Sticks on _their_ chests! Wanted--the stodgiest Law-book out! The Judges soon _must_ note these facts, And try a copy of the Ju- -dicature Acts! * * * * * WHY THE FRENCH WON THE BOAT-RACE. (_ANSWERS SUPPLIED BY AN UNPREJUDICED BRITON._) [Illustration] Because the English Eight had had no practice on the Seine. Because the Londoners had had a fearful passage crossing the Channel. Because they smashed their boat, and had to have it repaired. Because the English steering might have been better. Because the weather was intolerable, and chiefly affected the Englishmen. Because the Londoners had no chance of pulling together. Because the French knew the course better than the English. Because the race should have been rowed weeks before. Because the race should not have been rowed for months. Because the British naturally liked to see the foreigners win. And last (and least), because the French had by far the better crew! * * * * * ECCLESIASTICAL INTELLIGENCE.--The style, title, office, and dignity of Archbishop of Canterbury, with all appurtenances thereto belonging, with all emoluments, spiritualities and temporalities appertaining, have been conferred by letters patent, under supreme authority, according to Act V. Henricus Noster in such cases made and provided, on the Rev. Mr. VINCENT, in consequence of the retirement of the Right Rev. ARTHUR STIRLING from the said office; the duties of which he so recently and so effectively performed between the hours of ten-thirty and eleven-fifteen every night for several months at the Theatre Royal Lyceum. We are in a position to add, that his resignation of this high and valuable office, has not taken place in consequence of any question as to the validity or invalidity of orders ("not admitted after 7·30"), nor has this step been rendered imperative by reason of any "irregularity" in "properties" or "appointments." * * * * * NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception. End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 103, October 15, 1892, by Various *** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** ***** This file should be named 15453-8.txt or 15453-8.zip ***** This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: https://www.gutenberg.org/1/5/4/5/15453/ Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team. Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions will be renamed. Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation (and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark. Project Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission. If you do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the rules is very easy. You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and research. They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks. Redistribution is subject to the trademark license, especially commercial redistribution. *** START: FULL LICENSE *** THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work (or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project Gutenberg-tm License (available with this file or online at https://gutenberg.org/license). Section 1. General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works 1.A. By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property (trademark/copyright) agreement. If you do not agree to abide by all the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession. If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8. 1.B. "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark. It may only be used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement. There are a few things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works even without complying with the full terms of this agreement. See paragraph 1.C below. There are a lot of things you can do with Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works. See paragraph 1.E below. 1.C. The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the Foundation" or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works. Nearly all the individual works in the collection are in the public domain in the United States. If an individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg are removed. Of course, we hope that you will support the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with the work. You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others. 1.D. The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern what you can do with this work. Copyright laws in most countries are in a constant state of change. If you are outside the United States, check the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project Gutenberg-tm work. The Foundation makes no representations concerning the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United States. 1.E. Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg: 1.E.1. The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the phrase "Project Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed, copied or distributed: This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org 1.E.2. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees or charges. If you are redistributing or providing access to a work with the phrase "Project Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or 1.E.9. 1.E.3. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional terms imposed by the copyright holder. Additional terms will be linked to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work. 1.E.4. Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm. 1.E.5. Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project Gutenberg-tm License. 1.E.6. You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary, compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any word processing or hypertext form. However, if you provide access to or distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official version posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org), you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon request, of the work in its original "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other form. Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1. 1.E.7. Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying, performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9. 1.E.8. You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided that - You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method you already use to calculate your applicable taxes. The fee is owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation. Royalty payments must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax returns. Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the address specified in Section 4, "Information about donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation." - You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm License. You must require such a user to return or destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of Project Gutenberg-tm works. - You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days of receipt of the work. - You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works. 1.E.9. If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark. Contact the Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below. 1.F. 1.F.1. Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm collection. Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain "Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by your equipment. 1.F.2. LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal fees. YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH F3. YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH DAMAGE. 1.F.3. LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a written explanation to the person you received the work from. If you received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with your written explanation. The person or entity that provided you with the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a refund. If you received the work electronically, the person or entity providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund. If the second copy is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further opportunities to fix the problem. 1.F.4. Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS' WITH NO OTHER WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTIBILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE. 1.F.5. Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages. If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by the applicable state law. The invalidity or unenforceability of any provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions. 1.F.6. INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production, promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works, harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees, that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause. Section 2. Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers. It exists because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from people in all walks of life. Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the assistance they need, is critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will remain freely available for generations to come. In 2001, the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations. To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4 and the Foundation web page at https://www.pglaf.org. Section 3. Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit 501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal Revenue Service. The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification number is 64-6221541. Its 501(c)(3) letter is posted at https://pglaf.org/fundraising. Contributions to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws. The Foundation's principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S. Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered throughout numerous locations. Its business office is located at 809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887, email [email protected]. Email contact links and up to date contact information can be found at the Foundation's web site and official page at https://pglaf.org For additional contact information: Dr. Gregory B. Newby Chief Executive and Director [email protected] Section 4. Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest array of equipment including outdated equipment. Many small donations ($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt status with the IRS. The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United States. Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up with these requirements. We do not solicit donations in locations where we have not received written confirmation of compliance. To SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any particular state visit https://pglaf.org While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who approach us with offers to donate. International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from outside the United States. U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff. Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation methods and addresses. Donations are accepted in a number of other ways including including checks, online payments and credit card donations. To donate, please visit: https://pglaf.org/donate Section 5. General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works. Professor Michael S. Hart was the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared with anyone. For thirty years, he produced and distributed Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support. Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S. unless a copyright notice is included. Thus, we do not necessarily keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition. Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility: https://www.gutenberg.org This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm, including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks.