The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 102,
February 27, 1892, by Various
This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or
re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
Title: Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 102, February 27, 1892
Author: Various
Release Date: December 13, 2004 [EBook #14344]
Language: English
*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the PG Online
Distributed Proofreading Team
PUNCH,
OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
VOL. 102.
February 27, 1892.
CONFESSIONS OF A DUFFER.
V.--THE DUFFER AT CRICKET.
To hear my remarks on the Cricket, in the Pavilion, you might think
that I had been a great player entirely, in my day. "Who is that
fine old English sportsman," you might ask, "who seems to have been
so intimate with MYNN, and FULLER PILCH, and CARPENTER, and HAYWARD
and TARRANT and JACKSON and C.D. MARSHAM? No doubt we see in him the
remains of a sterling Cricketer of the old school." And then when I
lay down the law on the iniquity of boundary hits, "always ran them
out in _my_ time," and on the tame stupidity of letting balls to the
off go unpunished, and the wickedness of dispensing with a long stop,
you would be more and more pursuaded that I had at least, played for
my county. Well, I _have_ played for my county, but as the county I
played for was Berwickshire, there is perhaps nothing to be so very
proud of in that distinction. But this I will say for the Cricketing
Duffer; he is your true enthusiast. When I go to Lord's on a summer
day, which of my contemporaries do I meet there? Not the men who
played for the University, not the KENNYS and MITCHELLS and BUTLERS,
but the surviving members of College Second Elevens in the old days of
Cowley Marsh, when every man brought his own bottle of Oxford wine for
luncheon. These are the veterans who contribute most to the crowd of
lookers-on. They never were of any use as players, but their hearts
were in the game, and from the game they will never be divorced. It is
an ill thing for an outsider to drop a remark about Cricket among us,
at about eleven o'clock in a country house smoking-room. After that
the time flies in a paradise of reminiscences, till about 4 A.M. or
some such "wee, short hour ayont the Twal'," if one may quote BURNS
without being insulted by all the numerous and capable wits of
Glasgow. Why is it that the Duffer keeps up his interest in Cricket,
while the good players cease to care much about it? Perhaps _their_
interest was selfish; his is purely ideal, and consequently immortal.
To him Cricket was ever an unembodied joy of which he could make
nothing palpable; nothing subject to the cold law of averages. Mine
was 0.3.
[Illustration]
My own introduction to Cricket, as to Golf, was peculiarly poignant. I
and my brother, aged more or less about six or seven, were invited to
play by the local Club, and we each received exactly one very slow and
considerate lob. But his lob took him on the eye, and mine, kicking on
a bad wicket, had me on the knee-pan. The subsequent proceedings did
not interest us very much, but there is nothing like entering children
early at a manly pastime.
Intellectual application will, to some extent, overcome physical
difficulties. By working at least five hours a day, and by reading the
_Cricket Field_ daily and nightly, I did learn to bowl a little, with
a kind of twist. This, while it lasted, in a bowlerless country, was
a delightful accomplishment. You got into much better sporting society
than you deserved, and, in remote parts of the pastoral districts
you were looked up to as one whose name had been in _Bell's Life_;
we still had _Bell's Life_ then. It was no very difficult matter to
bowl a rustic team for a score of runs or so, and all went merry as a
wedding bell. But, alas, when Drumthwacket played Tullochgorum, there
was a young Cambridge man staying with the latter chieftain. I began,
as I usually did, by "yorking" Tullochgorum's Piper and his chief
Butler, and his head Stalker, and then SMITH of King's came in. The
ground, as usual, had four sides. He hit me over the enclosure at
each of the four sides, for I changed my end after being knocked for
five fours in his first over. After that, my prestige was gone. The
rustics, instead of crawling about their wickets, took to walking
in and smacking me. This would not have mattered, if any of the
Drumthwacket team could have held a catch, and if the wicket-keeper
had not let SMITH off four times in one over. My character was lost,
and all was ended with me north of the Grampians, where the wickets
are peculiarly suitable to my style of delivery.
As to batting, there is little that is pleasant to confess. As soon as
I got a distant view of a ball, I was ever tempted to whack wildly in
its direction. There was no use in waiting for it, the more I looked
at it the less I liked it. So I whacked, and, if you always do this,
a ball will sometimes land on the driving part of the bat, and then it
usually happened that my companion, striving for a five or a six, ran
me out. If he did not, I did not stay long. The wicket-keeper was a
person whose existence I always treated as _une quantité négligeable_,
and sometimes the ball would bound off his pads into the stumps. The
fielders would occasionally hold a catch, anything _may_ happen. On
the other hand there was this to be said for my style of batting,
that the most experienced Cricketer could not tell where or in what
direction I would hit any given ball. If it was on the off, that was
no reason why I should not bang it to square-leg, a stroke which has
become fashionable since my time, but in those old days, you did not
often see it in first-class Cricket. It was rather regarded as "an
agrarian outrage." Foreigners and ladies would find Cricket a more
buoyant diversion if all the world, and especially LEWIS HALL and
SHREWSBURY, played on my principles. Innings would not last so long.
Not so many matches would be drawn. The fielders would not catch cold.
To speak of fielding is to revive unspeakable sorrows. For a
short-sighted man, whose fingers are thumbs, no post in the field
is exactly grateful. I have been at long-leg, and, watching the game
intently, have perceived the batters running, and have heard cries of
"well fielded!" These cries were ironical. The ball had been hit past
me, but I was not fortunate enough to observe the circumstance. A
fielder of this _calibre_ always ends by finding his way to short-leg.
A prudent man can do a good deal here by watching the umpire, dodging
when he dodges, and getting behind him on occasion. But I was not
prudent. I observed that a certain player hit very much behind the
leg, so there, "in the mad pride of intellectuality," I privily
stationed myself. He _did_ it very fine, very fine indeed, into my
eye. The same misfortune has attended me at short-slip; it should have
been a wicket, it was a black eye, or the loss of a tooth or two, as
might happen. In fact, I sometimes wonder myself at the contemptuous
frankness of my own remarks on the fielding at Lord's. For if a catch
could be missed (and most catches can), I was the man to miss it.
Swift ones used to hit me and hurt me, long ones I always misjudged,
little simple poppy ones spun out of my fingers. Now the unlucky thing
about Cricket, for a Duffer, is that your misfortunes do not hurt
yourself alone. It is not as in a single at Golf, it is not as in
fishing, or riding, or wherever you have no partner. To drop catches
is to madden the bowler not unnaturally, and to lengthen the period
of leather-hunting. Cricket is a social game, and its proficients
soon give the cold shoulder to the Duffer. He has his place, however,
in the nature of things. It is he who keeps up the enthusiasm, who
remembers every run that anybody I made in any given match. In fact,
at Cricket, the Duffer's mission is to be a "judge of the game;" I
don't mean an Umpire, very far from that. If you once let the Duffer
umpire he could ruin the stoutest side, and secure victory to the
feeblest. I may say that, at least in this capacity, I have proved
really useful to my party in country matches. But, in the long run,
my capacity even for umpiring came to be doubted, and now I am only
a critic of Cricket. There is none more relentless, not one with a
higher standard, at least where no personal feelings are concerned.
For I have remarked that, if a Cambridge man writes about an Oxford
victory (which he seldom has to do), or if an Oxford man writes on a
Cambridge victory (a frequent affliction), he always leaves you with
the impression that, in spite of figures, his side had at least a
moral triumph. These admirable writers have all been Duffers.
* * * * *
[Illustration: TIMES CHANGE.
_Shade of William the Conqueror._ "WHAT! THE PEOPLE OBJECT TO
ENCLOSING A FEW ACRES OF THIS OPEN SPACE FOR STATE PURPOSES--FOR THEIR
OWN BENEFIT? BY THE SPLENDOUR OF HEAVEN! I SHOULD HAVE LIKED TO HAVE
HEARD THE VARLETS OBJECT TO MY MAKING MILES OF IT SUCH--FOR _MINE_!"
_Secretary for War._ "AH, YOUR MAJESTY HAD IN _YOUR_ TIMES NO _TIMES_
TO RECKON WITH!"]
* * * * *
TIMES CHANGE.
["The 'Ranges Act' constitutes ... a standing menace to rights
of common wherever commons and open spaces exist."--_The
Times_.]
"The old order changes, yielding place to new."
By Phoebus, you are right, mellifluous TENNYSON!
Could Norman WILLIAM this conjuncture view,
He'd greet our Progress with--well, scarce a benison;
He, though ranked high 'midst monarchs and commanders,
Had the same weakness as our troops in Flanders.
ROBERT the Devil's ruthless son would clear
A county to make coverts, deer-runs, chaces.
What had he thought of modern notions queer
Concerning Common Rights and Open Spaces?
"The People--who are varlets!--still oppose them,
Whether the Powers that be make or enclose them!"
"The People _versus_ Powers that Be!" Ah, yes!
Imperious Norman, that's a modern trial
That's always being argued more or less;
The Press keeps now such vigilant espial
On every grasping would-be public plunderer.
You, Sire, had not to reckon with "The Thunderer!"
Times change, stark soldier, and we have the _Times_
Premier to check and snub Chief Secretaries.
Counting land-grabbing high among earth's crimes
Would have amazed you! Public judgment varies.
You and your wolf-hound, WILLIAM, would not now
Try a "clean sweep,"--without a general row.
Ask OTTO! He is somewhat in your style,
But he could tell you what new risks environ
The ancient art of Ruling. You may smile
At Print and Paper _versus_ Blood and Iron,
But Sovereign and Crown, though loved by many,
Stand now no chance against the Popular Penny.
Ask Malwood's Squire again! He knows right well
The New Democracy,--and the New Forest;
_Our_ great Plantagenet, a true blue "Swell,"
Fights for the People when their need is sorest.
In Norman BILLY he'd own small belief;
The People's WILLIAM is _his_ favourite chief.
Your ghostly presence in these verdant glades
Might startle STANHOPE, musing on his Ranges,
But not the angriest of Royal Shades
May now arrest the progress of Time's changes.
True, much is yielded yet to Swelldom's "Sport,"
But some aver that even _its_ time is short.
No, Clearances and Rights of Common, now
Own not the sway of autocrats capricious.
Small use, great Shade, to knit that haughty brow,
And swear _your_ action would be expeditious.
The days of Curfew and of Forest Law
Are passed. _We_'re swayed by Justice--and Free Jaw!
* * * * *
"FOR VALUE RECEIVED."--Aldgate Ward changed Alderman LUSK for one
POUND.
* * * * *
[Illustration: WHAT OUR ARTIST HAS TO PUT UP WITH, BEFORE HE TURNS
LIKE A CRUSHED WORM.
_Our Art Critic_ (_patronisingly_). "HA--HUM! WELL, YOUR COLOUR IS
FAIRLY DECENT, AND YOU HAVE NICISH FEELING FOR LIGHT AND SHADE, AND
_CHIAROSCURO_. BUT WHERE YOB ALWAYS FAIL TO PLEASE, SOMEHOW, IS IN
YOUR _EXECUTION_!"
_Our Artist_. "MY _EXECUTION_? AH! JUST SO. I'VE NO DOUBT THAT
_YOURS_, NOW WOULD BE MORE GENERALLY POPULAR!"]
* * * * *
FROM PARLIAMENTARY EXAMINATION PAPER.
_Question_.--Explain the term "Standing Orders."
_Answer_ 1.--It means that when a visitor to the House has an order
for the Speaker's Gallery, and can't find a seat, he then becomes one
of the Standing Orders.--SISTE VIATOR.
_Answer_ 2.--When a friendly M.P. sees three of us waiting for him,
takes us to the bar of the House, and orders drinks all round, which
we take standing.--BIBENDUM EST.
* * * * *
INDIA FOR THE IRISH!--"An amended estimate of the present Paddy Crop
has been published by the Local Government." (_Vide Times_ for Feb.
15.) What more can the most thorough Home-Rulers want, if they would
only be content to make their home in Burmah instead of Ireland?
"Local Government" can soon be developed, for 'tis but Home Rule in
the bud, and the "Paddy Crop" is already there.
* * * * *
MOTTO FOR THE NEW RECORDER OF THE CITY OF LONDON.--"HALL There!"
* * * * *
"COMBINING AMUSEMENT WITH INSTRUCTION."
(_A SKETCH AT THE COLLECTION OF INSTRUMENTS OF TORTURE._)
SCENE--_The Maddox Street Galleries. A large and appropriately
lighted room. Upon walls of a sombre crimson, various
Implements of Torture are arranged with considerable taste,
and an eye for decorative effect, the central space being
reserved for more elaborate contrivances in wood and iron.
Visitors discovered inspecting the Exhibition by the aid of
the excellent Catalogues, with the subdued appreciation of
persons conscious that they are spending a very pleasant and
profitable afternoon._
_Mr. Charnelhouse Goole_ (_as he enters, to Mrs. C.G._). Now, my dear,
the first thing I want to see is that Iron Maiden there's so much talk
about. I wonder whereabouts it is!
_Mrs. C.G._ I think _that_ must be it, up at the other end of the
room. But don't you _think_, dear, it would be nicer to see the
_other_ things first, and keep that for the _last_?
_Mr. C.G._ (_struck by the refinement of this suggestion_). Well,
upon, my word, AMINA, I almost think it would!
_Mr. Frederic Frivell_ (_to his wife, whom he takes a marital pleasure
in shocking_). What fun those old fellows must have had in those days,
mustn't they?
_Mrs. Frivell_ (_a serious lady_). I don't think fun is at _all_ the
right word, FREDERIC. I do _wish_ you wouldn't take these things so
lightly. I'm sure it's melancholy enough to look at all these horrid
machines, and think--
_Mr. F._ That Torture is a lost art? Isn't that what you were going to
say? But it's _not_, you know; we've refined it--that's all. Look at
the Photographer, and the Interviewer, and the Pathetic Reciter, and
the--
[_Mrs. F. endeavours to convince him that she didn't mean that
at all, and that he is comparing totally different things._
_An Aphoristic Uncle_ (_to an irreverent Nephew_). No. 89. "A
Long-spiked Wooden Roller, known as a 'Spiked Hare.'" You see, TOM,
my boy, the victim was--(_Describes the process._) "Some of the old
writers describe this torture as being most fearful," so the Catalogue
tells us.
_Tom-my-boy_ (_after inspecting the spikes_). Well, do you know,
Uncle, I shouldn't be at all surprised if the old Johnnies weren't so
far out.
_The Aph. Uncle._ Another illustration, my boy, of "Man's inhumanity
to Man"!
_Tom-my-boy._ Not bad for you, Uncle--only you cribbed it out of the
Catalogue, you know! [_The A.U. gives him up._
_An Indulgent Parent enters, leading a small boy in a tall
hat, and is presently recognised by the A.U._
_The A.U._ So you've brought your son to see this collection,
hey? Well, it's of the greatest educational value to a thoughtful
youth--rich in moral and historical instruction!
_The I.P._ Well, it was like this, you see. I had to take him to the
dentist's, and, finding we should have half-an-hour or so to spare
before he could attend to him, I thought we'd just drop in here and
amuse ourselves--eh, BOBBY? Wonderfully ingenious, you know, in
their way, some of these things! Now, _here's_ a thing--"A Spanish
mouth-pear, made of iron." You see, BOBBY, they forced it into the
mouth and touched a screw, and it sprang open, preventing the victim
from screaming.
_Bobby_. Y-yes, father. Should you think Mr. Fawcepps will have one of
those?
_The I.P._ (_annoyed_). Now, what _is_ the use of my taking you to a
place of this sort to divert your thoughts, if your mind is running
on something else all the time? I won't have it, do you hear. Enjoy
yourself like a sensible boy!
_Bobby_. Y-yes, Father, I am. It--it's quite cured my toothache
already--_really_ it has!
_Mrs. Frivell_ (_reading from Catalogue_). "A Penitent's Girdle, made
of barbed wire, which, when worn next to the flesh, caused the most
unpleasant and uncomfortable irritation." Oh, FREDERIC, just fancy
that!
_Mr. F._ My dear CECILIA, I can _quite_ fancy it!
_Mrs. F._ But I thought these tortures were only for _Malefactors_.
Why do they call it a _Penitent's_ Girdle?
_Mr. F._ Can't say,--unless because he generally repented having put
it on.
_Mrs. F._ I don't think that _can_ be the real reason.
_Two English House-maids_ (_to a small German Page-Boy who is
escorting them_). Here, JOHNNIE, what's _this_ mean? (_Reads from
Catalogue the motto on an Executioner's Sword._) "Di Herrin' sturin
dem Unheel ick exequire ir End Urthile." Come, _you_ ought to know!
_Johnnie_ (_not unnaturally at a loss_). It means--it means--somding I
do not understandt.
_The Housemaids_ (_disappointed in him_). Well, you _are_ a boy! I
_did_ think, bein' German yourself, you'd be quite at _'ome_ 'ere!
_Mr. Ernest Stodgely_ (_impressively, to Miss FEATHERHEAD, his
fiancée_). Just look at this, FLOSSIE. (_Reading._) "Executioner's
Cloak, very long, of red woollen material; presumably red so as not to
show blood-spots or stains." Hideously suggestive that, is it not?
_Miss Flossie._ I shouldn't call it exactly _hideous_, ERNEST. Do
you know, I was just thinking that, with a high Astrachan collar, you
know, and old silver fastenings, it would make rather a nice winter
cloak. So deliciously warm! [_ERNEST avails himself of a lover's
privileges to lecture her severely._
IN FRONT OF THE IRON MAIDEN.
_Mr. Ch. Goole._ So _this_ is the Iron Maiden! Well, I expected
something rather more dreadful-looking. The face has really quite a
pleasant expression. [_Disappointedly._
[Illustration: "Oh, but I think that makes it so much _more_ horrible,
don't you?"]
_Mrs. Ch. G._ (_with subtler appreciation_). Oh, but I think that
makes it so much _more_ horrible, don't _you_?
_Mr. Ch. G._ Well, I don't know--perhaps. But there ought to be a
wax figure inside it. They ought to have wax figures on most of these
things--make it much more interesting!
_Mr. Frivell_ (_who is close by_). I quite agree with you,
Sir--indeed, I would go farther. I think there should be competent
persons engaged to provide practical illustrations of all the more
amusing tortures--say from three to five every afternoon. Draw all
London!
_Mrs. F._ (_horrified_). FRED, you _know_ you don't mean it! And
besides, you would _never_ get people willing to be shut up inside
that thing!
_Mr. F._ My dear, I'm perfectly serious, as I always am. And as to
not getting subjects, why--(_He beckons to one of the Boy-Messengers
in waiting, who advances_). Look here, my lad, you seem a bright
intelligent youth. Would you mind just stepping inside and allowing us
to close the door? We won't detain you an instant.
_Mrs. F._ What a shame, FRED! Don't _think_ of such a thing, there's a
good boy! Say no--and I'll give you sixpence!
_The Boy_ (_grinning_). Well, Lady, make it a shillin', and I'll stay
outside--to oblige you!
_Mrs. F._ (_giving him a shilling_). There's a good sensible boy!
FREDERIC, have you gone _quite_ mad? You know you wouldn't hurt a fly?
[_The GOOLES move away, feeling that they have been trifled
with._
_Mr. F._ A fly? Not for the world!--but this is only a boy. I want to
know what they're here _for_. Now, my lad, you're not engaged to be
_idle_, you know. Just think of the amount of innocent pleasure you
would afford by getting into this spiked cradle and letting me rock
you. You won't? Well, will you sit on the Spanish Donkey? come! I'll
give you a leg up and fasten the weights on your legs for you. You
aren't afraid of a donkey?
[_Bystanders collect in hope of amusement._
_The Boy_ (_sulkily_). Not of _some_ Donkeys, Sir, as ain't quite so
sharp as that one, whatever they think theirselves!
[_Titters. Mr. F.F. feels that he has got rather the worst
of it, and collapses, with the dismal completeness of a Funny
Man; Mrs. F. remains behind to bribe the boy with another
shilling to promise her solemnly never on any account to play
with any of the tortures._
_Mrs. F._ (_rejoining her husband_). FREDERIC, how _can_ you? You make
me feel perfectly _faint_ when you act like this!
_Mr. F._ (_recovering_). Faint, CECILIA? Well, I daresay they won't
mind if you sit down in one of these spiked chairs for a minute or
two.
_Mrs. F._ (_angrily_). I shall do no such thing, FREDERIC! And you
ought to be _ashamed_ to suggest it!
_Mrs. Borrodale_ (_choosing photographs of Nuremberg_). Look, JOHN,
what a lovely large one of the _Sebald's Kirche_! I really _must_
have this. Oh, and the _Insel Schutt_--and this of the _Schöne
Brunnen_--and the view from the _Burg_--that makes the half-dozen.
They will be joys for _ever_, JOHN! And _only_ three shillings each!
Will you pay the boy for them, JOHN, please--it's just eighteen
shillings.
_John_. Can't, my dear. Only half-a-crown in my pocket. Don't you
remember, I lent you my last sov. not five minutes ago?
_Mrs. B._ Oh, so you did. Well, on second thoughts, perhaps this
size is rather--I think I'll take five of the sixpenny ones
instead--they're every bit as good. You can spare me that half-crown,
JOHN!
_A Patriot_ (_coming out_). Well, it's just the same 'ere as
everywhere else. All the things "made in Germany"! Sickenin' _I_ call
it!
* * * * *
[Illustration: A MEETING OF THE "BANDY" ASSOCIATION
FOR THE PROMOTION OF "HOCKEY ON THE ICE."]
* * * * *
RICE AND PRUNES.
[Illustration]
Rice and prunes a household journal
Called the chief of household boons:
Hence my mother cooks diurnal
Rice and prunes.
Therefore on successive noons,
Sombre fruit and snowy kernel
Woo reluctant forks and spoons.
As the ear, when leaves are vernal,
Wearies of the blackbird's tunes,
So we weary of eternal
Rice and prunes.
* * * * *
AN OLD FRIEND AT THE CRITERION.--Time flies, and _Fourteen Days_,
occupying only a couple of hours or so at the Criterion, goes
wonderfully. CHARLES WYNDHAM is the life and soul of the piece, and
the giddy GIDDENS is another life and soul. Miss MARY MOORE, charming
as ever, with a clearness of "dictation," as Mrs. MALAPROP would
say, that is in itself a delight to the ear. Every word she speaks is
distinct, and, which is more to the purpose, every telling word tells.
_Fourteen Days_ is a survival and revival of one of H.J. BYRON's
fittest. If it "catches on" once more, as it ought to do, it might run
fourteen weeks, and then,--"Next please!"
* * * * *
[Illustration: Q.E.D.
"_MAY_ I ASK YOU HOW YOU MANAGE TO KEEP YOUR LITTLE PET SO SLEEK AND
THIN?"
"I DON'T KNOW. IT HAS ITS LUNCH AND DINNER WITH ME EVERY DAY."
"WELL, SO DOES MINE!"]
* * * * *
ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.
_House of Commons, Monday, February 15._--A lively sitting, with an
unexpected ending. Debate on Address resumed by SEXTON in excellent
speech, an effect largely contributed to by comparative brevity. Only
an hour long; remarkable compression. Would have been better still
had it been reduced by the twenty minutes occupied in preliminary
observations. At twenty-five minutes past four he rose to move
Amendment condemnatory of Land Purchase Act of last year. Precisely at
a quarter to five came to his amendment, and began to recommend it to
House. But mustn't complain. An excellent beginning for new Session
that may further develop.
"An oratorical eel," SAUNDERSON, later in sitting, likened Member
for West Belfast to; charming simile, with just that mixture of
graphicness and incongruity that only Irish wit could flash upon.
Not meant to be uncomplimentary, for SAUNDERSON, like the rest,
acknowledges capacity of SEXTON in debate; his clear insight, his
capacity for grasping a subject, his aptness of illustration, his
quickness of retort, and, alack! the embarrassment of the wealth of
language. If he could only economise that, and guard against the
fatal fluency that besets him, converting what might be a sharp direct
speech of twenty minutes into a windy weariness of hour-and-a-half or
two hours, he would take high rank among Parliamentary debaters.
DIZZY once said the occasions when a man addressing House of Commons
need exceed twenty minutes, come to him only twice or thrice in a
lifetime. He did more than preach; he carried into practice his own
principle with success. Very rarely in later years, even when Leader
of House of Commons, did he exceed twenty minutes, and all his
most successful interpositions in debate were on that plan. When,
occasionally, he felt that circumstances demanded a long and laboured
address, his labour was in vain.
Capital speech, too, of quite another kind, from DUNBAR BARTON. Most
promising maiden speech delivered in present Parliament; of good
omen that best parts were not those prepared in leisure of study,
put the earlier passages evoked by preceding debate, and necessarily
impromptu. As for SAUNDERSON, he was in his best form.
"SAUNDERSON," said the SQUIRE OF MALWOOD, recognising a kindred
spirit, "always reminds me of those Lifeguardsmen you see at the
Military Festival, riding round Agricultural Hall slashing off heads.
The heads are dummies, and no harm is done; but it's a pretty sight."
The Colonel rides well, and is a skilful swordsman.
Delight of audience crowding in after dinner completed by TIM HEALY
dashing in with intent to trip up Colonel. Domestic difficulties in
the Party have not smoothed down TIM's natural truculence. With JOHN
REDMOND sitting behind him and SAUNDERSON in front, a porcupine in
fretful mood is a ball of spun silk compared with TIM.
After this RADCLIFFE COOKE and collapse, with the prospect of
proceedings droning on till midnight, then adjournment, and begin
again to-morrow. Suddenly, on stroke of twelve, Closure moved. House
completely taken aback. Whilst it sat gasping under shock SPEAKER
declared Closure carried; bells rang through all the corridors;
Members trooped in to find Division imminent. When figures declared,
showing Government had been surprised into narrow majority of 21,
fresh wave of excitement welled forth, amid which Address was,
somehow, agreed to. Members went off into snowstorm, cheering and
laughing as if there had never before been such larks.
_Business done_.--Address agreed to.
_Tuesday Night_.--GRANDOLPH turned up to-day; took his familiar
corner seat; tugged at his old moustache; caressed his new beard, and
listened to SEALE HAYNE recklessly attacking the sacred institution of
Justiciary of the Peace.
"Nothing changed, TOBY, dear boy," he said; "not even the Ministry.
When I came back from Mashonaland I was told we were on the eve of
political earthquake. The House of Commons was to be transformed into
a cockpit; the Benches steepled in the gore of an iniquitous Ministry.
But, except for some vacant places and some further advancement of
privates in the little band I once officered, it's all the same, only
a little drearier. The same throng in the Lobby, the same rows of
Members sitting on the Benches, the same Mace on the Table, the same
stately figure in the Chair, and the same Sergeants-at-Arms relieving
guard at the Cross Benches. There are not quite the same two Irish
Leaders, for BRER FOX has 'gone away.' BRER RABBIT I see sitting
over there with his kindly face and his friendly smile, perhaps the
only Irishman in the House who, if a coat were trailed before him,
would turn away from temptation. It's only Irishmen, with their
inexhaustible fund of humour, who would have put JUSTIN MCCARTHY in
his present place. Doesn't much matter so long as TIM HEALY's around.
I'll bet my gold mine at Mashonaland against the Kennel, Barks, that
TIM will make up the average of fighting even when BRER RABBIT in the
scale."
[Illustration: A GIFT FROM THE GREEKS.
RIGHT HON. ARTHUR. "IF I CAN ONLY GET THIS THROUGH, IT OUGHT TO SETTLE
'EM!"]
There's one thing changed GRANDOLPH did not allude to; perhaps
unconscious of it. 'Tis his own appearance. In addition to the beard,
he has put on ruddy tint that speaks well for Mashonaland as a health
resort compared with Westminster. Amongst the pale-faced legislators
his visage shines like the morning sun. "Quite a Colonial look about
him," says ALGERNON BORTHWICK, fretfully. "But, after a few dinners at
the Amphitryon and a few nights at the House and elsewhere, he'll get
over it."
Members from all parts crowd round GRANDOLPH to shake the horny hand
of the intrepid explorer, the dauntless lion _dompter_. A cold air
whistles along the row of Ministers as he sits behind.
"What's he up to?" JOKIM hoarsely whispered, all his native gaiety
eclipsed.
"Come down, I suppose," said Prince ARTHUR, smiling, "to congratulate
us on our great victory last night, whereby we escaped defeat in
Debate on Address by triumphant majority of 21."
"Quite a stormy petrel don't you think?" JOKIM said, nervously rubbing
his hands.
"Not exactly," said Prince ARTHUR; "that usually comes before the
storm you know. If you must be personal and ornithological, I should
say GRANDOLPH's appearance on the scene is more reminiscent of the
vulture; a little hasty in his appearance perhaps, but that is none
the less significant."
_Business done._--Practically none, and so home to dinner at twenty
minutes to eight.
_Thursday Night._--Prince ARTHUR explained provisions of
long-looked-for Local Government scheme. A remarkable, unexampled,
scene. House crowded on every Bench, with Duke of DEVONSHIRE looking
down from Peers' Gallery, thanking Heaven he is out of it. Prince
ARTHUR's manner in introducing the measure in keeping with the strange
surroundings. Might reasonably have been expected that he would have
been at pains to recommend the Bill to acceptance of House. Not a
bit of it. If people insisted upon regarding it as the most important
business of Session, Prince ARTHUR couldn't help it. But he certainly
would not foster the delusion. In its potentiality of beneficent
effect, the Bill nothing in comparison with the Coercion Act or the
Light Railways Act.
"A poor thing," he said, in effect, and did not add, "but mine own."
If it was not his, certainly no one else would own it. Irish Members
received it with jeers. JOHN MORLEY denounced it as a monstrous
imposture. SQUIRE OF MALWOOD benignantly affected to regard it as a
little joke with which Ministers designed to vary a dull Session.
But a joke may be carried too far; better drop this now, and go to
business.
Oddly enough, the storm of contumely had effect of inspiring Prince
ARTHUR with new affection for his unwelcomed offspring, adding to the
strength of his evidently new conviction that the proposed expedient
was sound, and, if accepted, would prove efficacious.
"And what do _you_ think of the Tory scheme of Home Rule," I asked
JUSTIN MCCARTHY, when it was all over.
"_Timeo Danaos, et dona ferentes_," he said, dropping into his native
Celtic speech. "But in this case there is no room for apprehension.
BALFOUR may leave this wooden horse outside the gates for a month, and
the Trojans wouldn't touch it with a pair of tongs."
Prince ARTHUR grew more confident as the clouds gathered.
"I see very well," he said, "if I'm to stable this horse in the Home
Rule Troy, I must drag it all the way myself. I shall get no help
from either section of the garrison. But it's got to be done, and
I'll buckle-to. Once through, it will settle the more than ten years'
siege."
_Business done._--Prince ARTHUR left tugging away at his wooden horse.
_Friday Night._--House of Lords almost deserted. HALSBURY punctual in
his place, making most of opportunities on Woolsack whilst they yet
remain.
"Here to-day and gone to-morrow, TOBY," he remarked, with forced
gaiety; "but, when I hand in the Seals of Office, I shall at least
have the serene assurance to cheer me in my retirement that the whole
of my family, including collateral branches, have been provided for."
Amongst the prevailing dolour, the MARKISS in high spirits.
"Things not looking well in the Commons or the country, I admit," he
says; "but all is not lost yet. I have still a card to play, and I
believe it will score the trick. We shall presently have to go to the
country, and fight a confident Opposition. Successful Foreign Policy
is played out. Free Education has brought us no support; trifling
with Home Rule in Ireland will bring us enemies. Am convinced that
the thing to go to the country on is the fog. MIDDLETON's our man.
Been thinking over it for a week. See it now; shall take up question
of London fog; devise some means of battling with it; and then let
the worst come. A Government that has fought the fog will at least
carry London, and, London ours, we shall be able to stem the tide of
anarchy."
_Business done_.--The MARKISS takes a great resolution.
* * * * *
[Illustration: "THE HUNTING OF THE HARCOURT."
_(According to Fancy Sketch by "Observer" in the "Times.") "O where
and O where is our Harcourt Laddie gone?"_]
* * * * *
PADDYWHACK AND DR. BIRCH.--Everyone knows what "the Assisted Education
(Ireland) Bill" is. Why should not an Assisted Education (England)
Bill be brought in to enable public school-boys to secure, without
payment of any additional fee beyond that included for "swishing"
in the Bill sent home to the parents, the specimen of the legal
instrument with which their education may have been most helpfully
assisted?
* * * * *
"BECKY THE SECOND."--Those comparatively few who answered our query
as to where "the good _Becky_, the very opposite of _Becky_ in _Vanity
Fair_, was to be found in THACKERAY's works," and have referred us to
_A Shabby Genteel Story_, are right. The many who hit upon _Rebecca_
in the burlesque of _Ivanhoe_ mistook the question.
* * * * *
A CORRESPONDENT, signing himself "IGNORAMUS," writes to inquire "The
address of a Society called 'The London French Polishers.'" He says,
"I want my French polished up a bit before going to Paris."
* * * * *
"VIVE LA LIBERTÉ!"
The _Era_ at one time used to enjoy a monopoly of strangely, but
purely professionally-worded advertisements; but now the _Daily
Telegraph_ is creeping up and commencing to occupy the _Era's_
special domain. One day last week in the _D.T._ the following
notice appeared:--"Mr. CHARLES SUGDEN at liberty.--Address, &c." "At
Liberty!" How will this sound to the uninitiated millions? Taking for
granted that the readers, whose name is Legion, know perfectly well
who and what Mr. CHARLES SUGDEN is, having a lively recollection
of this talented actor as among the best representatives of bad
characters (excepting perhaps that of _William of Orange_, which was
Mr. SUGDEN's _chef d'oeuvre_, and about whose character there are
strong differences of opinion), will they not unnaturally be led
to inquire how, why, when and wherefore Mr. SUGDEN ever came to be
deprived of his liberty, and under what circumstances he has been
restored to it, or it to him? "At Liberty!" It has a grand and
glorious sound! This distinguished Thespian was never an "hereditary
bondsman," then why not always "at liberty"? But, be this as it may,
once more "the Rover is free!" SUGDEN is a name honourable behind and
before the foot-lights. In the Courts of Law it is a Legal Light, and
among Gas Companies the Sugden Burner is, we believe, justly famous.
Whatever the announcement may or may not mean, all sons of Liberty
will rejoice that this eccentric comedian is once more free, and on
the stage he will be again most welcome.
* * * * *
"Are you staying in town?" "No," answered Mrs. R.; "I'm going _au
contraire_." Which, she subsequently explained, was French for going
into the country.
* * * * *
[Illustration: FANCY PORTRAIT.
GENERAL _BOOM_BASTES.
_Solo and Chorus._
AIR--"_Piff! Paff! Pouf!" from "La Grande Duchosse."_
"ET PUFF! PUFF! PUFF!
ET TARA PARA POUM!
JE SUIS, MOI, LE GÉNÉRAL BOOM! BOOM!"
[_Repeats it ad lib._]
* * * * *
ON RELIGIOUS CYMBALISM.
The Salvationist Bands which perform in and out of London--(would
that they were restricted as the Moore and Burgess Minstrels restrict
themselves to one hall, never or "hardly ever," performing out
of London!)--everywhere and anywhere without respecting illness,
or the hours of public worship in our Churches and Chapels, or
the necessities of repose, show thereby a distinct want of that
consideration for the feelings of their fellow-citizens which simple
Christian folk call Charity. These Booth performers--which designation
savours suggestively of Mountebanks--would do well to play their
peculiar music and sing their peculiar hymns within the four walls
of their own places of worship, employing the intervals essential
for gaining of wind and for rest of muscle in meditating, perhaps
breathlessly, on the inspired Pauline teaching which will inform them
that even the works of an Apostle, if he have not charity, will be as
"sounding brass and tinkling cymbals," making indeed a great noise in
the world, but as one WILLIAM SHAKSPEARE has said, being mere "sound
and fury signifying nothing." "Liberty of Worship" by all means,
but not such Liberty for any one particular form of worship which,
interfering with the freedom of others, speedily degenerates into
fanatical licence, and so becomes a nuisance as intolerant as it is
intolerable.
* * * * *
ANGLO-AMERICAN FRENCH.--A new word must be added to our French
dictionaries. In _Le Figaro_ for Feb. 15, in an article on HECTOR
MALOT, occurs this expression, "_en ce temps de puffisme littéraire_."
In English we have had the word and the thing too, since the time of
SHERIDAN's _Critic_, but is any student of French journalism familiar
with it in the Parisian newspapers?
* * * * *
THE FANCY BALL.
[Illustration]
You came as GRETCHEN, hair of gold
And face so exquisitely sweet,
That I, like FAUST, had _certes_ sold
Myself, to win you, MARGUERITE.
Each plait enmeshed my struggling heart,
That wildly beat against my will;
And though at last we had to part,
In Dreamland I could see you still.
Another night, with tresses dark,
And kirtle strewn with _fleurs-de-lys_,
You came a flashing JOAN OF ARC,
Destructive of my bosom's peace.
The sword was girt upon your hip,
And thine the Maid's heroic glance;
I seemed to hear upon your lip,
The watchword of her life, "For France!"
Anon I saw thee as the Queen
Who held so many hearts in fee;
But MARY STUART scarce had been,
Methinks, so beautiful as thee.
I fain had gone and splintered lance,
As in the old days in our realm;
To win a kind approving glance,
And wear your glove upon my helm.
What, stately EDITH! Lives there yet
The lady of that royal line,
The peerless proud Plantagenet,
Will KENNETH's great emprise be mine?
We saw how high his hopes could soar;
We know the guerdon that he won.
Shall I find favour, as of yore
Did DAVID, Earl of Huntingdon?
'Tis certain, in whatever guise
You come, as heroine of song
Or story, to my faithful eyes
You shine the fairest of the throng.
However fanciful you be,
Whatever fancy dress befalls;
My fancy paints you fancy-free,
To fancy me at Fancy Balls!
* * * * *
THE REAL NINE POINTS OF THE LAW.--Costs.
* * * * *
THE UNOBSERVED OF ONE "OBSERVER."
From the account given by "OBSERVER" in the _Times_, it might be
inferred that "HARCOURT! HARCOURT!" was shouted all over the House,
in the lobbies, through the smoking-room, in the library, through
the cellars, in fact, everywhere within the sacred precincts, on
one memorable night, while at that very moment the wily Sir WILLIAM,
tucked comfortably up in his little bed, was murmuring softly to
himself, "HARCOURT! indeed! '_Ha! not caught_,' more likely!" and
so sweetly fell asleep.
* * * * *
MRS. R. read aloud from the latest Report of "B. and F. Bible
Society," "One cannot help thinking of the glorious field of labour
which lies open here before the Colporteur, and of the pleasant way
in which his labours are appreciated by all." But the worthy lady
pronounced colporteur as coalporter, and so on hearing from a
friend that "the Coalporters were on strike," Mrs. R. could not help
exclaiming, "Dear! how ungrateful of them, when they were being 'so
much appreciated by all!'"
* * * * *
[Illustration: THE WESTMINSTER WAX-WORK SHOW FOR THE SESSION 1892.
ROOM 2.]
* * * * *
OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
In _Tess of the D'Urbevilles_ (published by Messrs. OSGOOD, MCILVAINE
& CO.), Mr. THOMAS HARDY has given us a striking work of fiction,
bold in design, and elaborate in finish. The characters, with one
exception, are as true to life as are his graphic descriptions of
nature's own scenery; true that is to the types of such rural life as
he professes to represent,--the life led in our Christian country by
thousands and thousands of genuine Pagans, superstitious Boeotians,
with whom the schoolmaster can do but little, and the parson still
less. As to the clergymen who appear in this story, two of them are
priggishly academic, a third is a comfortable antiquarian, and the
fourth unacquainted with even the A.B.C. of his own pastoral theology.
[Illustration: A BRIGHT PARTICULAR STAR IN THE MILKY WAY.
Showing how an Angel without wings played on the harp to Milkmaid Tess
of the Tubbyveals, who was so proud of her calves.]
Since THACKERAY's _Captain Costigan_, and TOM ROBERTSON's dramatic
variation of him as _Eccles_ in _Caste_, no more original type of the
besotted, no-working working-man, has been given us ("at least, as far
as I am aware," interpolates the Baron, with a possible reservation)
than _Tess's_ father, _Durbeyfield_. His foolish wife, _Joan_, kindly
in a way, a fair housewife and helpmate, yet deficient in moral sense,
is another admirably-drawn character.
The only blot on this otherwise excellent work is the absurdly
melodramatic character of that "villain of the deepest dye," _Alec
D'Urbeville_, who would be thoroughly in his element in an Adelphi
Drama of the most approved type, ancient or modern. He is just the
sort of stage-scoundrel who from time to time seeks to take some mean
advantage of a heroine in distress, on which occasions said heroine
(of Adelphi Drama) will request him to "unhand her," or to "stand
aside and let her pass;" whereupon the dastardly ruffian retaliates
with a diabolical sneer of fiendish malice, his eyes ablaze with
passion, as, making his melodramatic exit at the O.P. wing, he growls,
"Aha! a day will come!" or "She must and shall be mine!" or, if
not making his exit, but remaining in centre of stage to assist in
forming a picture, he exclaims, with fiendish glee, "Now, pretty one,
you are in my power!" and so forth. 'Tis a great pity that such a
penny-plain-and-two-pence-coloured scoundrel should have been allowed
so strong a part among Mr. HARDY's excellent and unconventional
_dramatis personæ_. Even the very, very strong ejaculations wherein
this bold bad man indulges on the slightest provocation belong to the
most antiquated vocabulary of theatrical ruffianism. However, there
he is, and all the perfumes of the Vale of Blackmoor will not suffice
for dispelling the strong odour of the footlights which pervades
every scene where this unconscionable scoundrel makes his appearance.
That he is ultimately disposed of by being stuck to the heart with
the carving-knife that had been brought in for cold-beef slicing at
breakfast, is some satisfaction. But far be it from the Baron to give
more than this hint in anticipation of the tragic _dénoûment_. Some
might accuse Mr. THOMAS HARDY of foolhardiness in so boldly telling
ugly truths about the Pagan Phyllises and Corydons of our dear old
Christian England; but we, his readers, have the author's word for
the truth of what he has written, as "the fortunes of _Tess of the
D'Urbevilles, a Pure Woman_," are "faithfully presented," by THOMAS
HARDY, and so his honour is pledged to the truth of this story which
his powers of narration have made so fascinating to a host of readers
besides the one who is a host in himself, namely,
THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS.
* * * * *
JUSTICE FOR JUSTICE!
SCENE--_A Court of Justice. Prisoner, a young man of
eighteen, in the dock, weeping bitterly. His Uncle stands
before him, and occasionally offers him smelling salts.
General commiseration amongst the spectators, many of whom
are ladies armed with opera-glasses. Police Constable under
cross-examination._
_Counsel for the Defence._ And so, Constable, you had actually the
heart to read the warrant to the Prisoner?
_Witness._ I did, Sir, in the execution of my duty.
_Coun. for the Def._ (_scornfully_). Duty! and to this he said
nothing?
_Wit._ (_in a low tone_). Nothing, Sir--nothing!
_Coun. for the Def._ And I am not surprised! He might well
say nothing to such an announcement! HE, a Gentleman by
birth--education--everything--to be accused of forgery! It is
_too_ cruel!
_Mr. Justice Punch_ (_courteously but firmly_). I do not wish to
control the management of your case, Mr. MCSLANGER, but the time
for you to address the Jury has not yet arrived.
_Coun. for Def._ (_submissive but sulky_). As your Lordship pleases.
[_Resumes his seat._
_Usher_ (_calling_). Admiral CUTTERMAN!
_Admiral_ (_in a low tone_). Here!
[_He leaves the Prisoner, first handing him the smelling
salts, and enters the Witness Box._
_Council for the Prosecution_ (_after the Witness has been sworn_).
I think you are here on subpoena served by the Treasury.
_Witness_ (_with a glance of sadness at the Dock_). Had I not been
summoned to be present by those in authority, not the entreaties of
magicians would have brought me here!
_Coun. for the Pros._ I take it you are an unwilling Witness?
_Witness_ (_with difficulty suppressing acute emotion_). A most, a
very most unwilling Witness!
_Coun. for the Def._ (_scornfully_). Unwilling!
_Coun. for the Pros._ (_in a tone of remonstrance_). I really must beg
my learned friend to refrain from disturbing the proceedings. These
constant interruptions are most annoying.
_Coun. for the Def._ (_with force and violence_). I cannot
sufficiently express my indignation--
_Mr. Justice Punch_ (_sharply_). Then do not make the attempt.
_Coun. for the Def._ (_surlily_). As your Lordship pleases.
[_Subsides._
_Coun. for the Pros._ But, in spite of being an unwilling Witness, you
undoubtedly saw the Prisoner forge your name?
_Witness_ (_with his handkerchief to his eyes_). Alas! I did!
[_A pause, during which everyone regains equanimity._
_Coun. for Def._ (_on renewal of proceedings_). And so you are the
Uncle of the Prisoner?
_Witness_ (_sadly_). Yes, I am.
_Coun. for Def._ Still you are here, and are pushing that poor lad to
the prison-door! (_Prisoner snivels._) Yes, you are dealing him (one
of your own flesh and blood) a never-to-be-recalled injury!
_Witness_ (_plucking up spirit_). Only my duty, Sir. I obey only my
duty!
_Coun. for Def._ Your duty! Why, man, how can it be your duty?
_Mr. Justice Punch_ (_seriously_). Again I must interpose. (_To_
Counsel.) Mr. MCSLANGER, I must once more remind you that your
business at present is to ask questions, not to make speeches.
_Coun. for Def._ But, my Lord, the task is a difficult one.
_Mr. Justice Punch._ If you find it beyond your powers, no doubt some
of your colleagues will come willingly to your assistance.
_Coun. for Def._ No, my Lord, I do not mean what your Lordship means.
I am quite capable of performing the duties it has been my pleasure
and pride to accept.
_Mr. Justice Punch_ (_wearily_). Pray let us get on?
_Coun. for Def._ Do you not think it a grossly cruel and revolting
thing that a man should give evidence against his near relative?
_Witness_ (_greatly agitated_). My Lord, I appeal to you, is it fair
that I should be treated in this fashion?
_Mr. Justice Punch_ (_emphatically_). No, it is not! You are here,
Sir, in performance of a solemn duty--to assist the ends of justice in
the punishment, and consequently prevention, of crime. It is not right
that in the witness-box you should be badgered and insulted as if you
were worthy of the dock! One can feel some sympathy with the
relatives of the prisoner, because he appears to have had respectable
surroundings. But if he is convicted of forgery, it will be his own
fault! I shall accept the verdict as a proof that education and birth
are not safeguards to prevent crime. And as for you, Sir (_turning
angrily to_ Coun. for Def.), let me tell you that you degrade your
office when you make the wig and the gown the shield of the brute and
the bully. Let us have no more of it!
_Coun. for Def._ (_subdued but depressed_). As your Lordship pleases.
_Mr. Justice Punch._ It does so please me, and I think that it will
equally please all my learned brothers who sit in Royal Courts
to follow my example! It is time that the Witness, as well as the
accused, received proper protection. I hope my words will be taken to
heart in another place!
[_The Scene closes in on his Lordship's suggestion._
* * * * *
NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS.,
Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no
case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed
Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.
End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol.
102, February 27, 1892, by Various
*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
***** This file should be named 14344-8.txt or 14344-8.zip *****
This and all associated files of various formats will be found in:
https://www.gutenberg.org/1/4/3/4/14344/
Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the PG Online
Distributed Proofreading Team
Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions
will be renamed.
Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no
one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation
(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without
permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules,
set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to
copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to
protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark. Project
Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you
charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission. If you
do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the
rules is very easy. You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose
such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and
research. They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do
practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks. Redistribution is
subject to the trademark license, especially commercial
redistribution.
*** START: FULL LICENSE ***
THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE
PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK
To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free
distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work
(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project
Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project
Gutenberg-tm License (available with this file or online at
https://gutenberg.org/license).
Section 1. General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm
electronic works
1.A. By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm
electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to
and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property
(trademark/copyright) agreement. If you do not agree to abide by all
the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy
all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession.
If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project
Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the
terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or
entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8.
1.B. "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark. It may only be
used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who
agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement. There are a few
things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works
even without complying with the full terms of this agreement. See
paragraph 1.C below. There are a lot of things you can do with Project
Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement
and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
works. See paragraph 1.E below.
1.C. The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the Foundation"
or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project
Gutenberg-tm electronic works. Nearly all the individual works in the
collection are in the public domain in the United States. If an
individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are
located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from
copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative
works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg
are removed. Of course, we hope that you will support the Project
Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by
freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of
this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with
the work. You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by
keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project
Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others.
1.D. The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern
what you can do with this work. Copyright laws in most countries are in
a constant state of change. If you are outside the United States, check
the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement
before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or
creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project
Gutenberg-tm work. The Foundation makes no representations concerning
the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United
States.
1.E. Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg:
1.E.1. The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate
access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently
whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the
phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the phrase "Project
Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed,
copied or distributed:
This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or
re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
1.E.2. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived
from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is
posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied
and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees
or charges. If you are redistributing or providing access to a work
with the phrase "Project Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the
work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1
through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the
Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or
1.E.9.
1.E.3. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted
with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution
must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional
terms imposed by the copyright holder. Additional terms will be linked
to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the
permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work.
1.E.4. Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm
License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this
work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm.
1.E.5. Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this
electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without
prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with
active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project
Gutenberg-tm License.
1.E.6. You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary,
compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any
word processing or hypertext form. However, if you provide access to or
distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than
"Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official version
posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org),
you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a
copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon
request, of the work in its original "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other
form. Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm
License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1.
1.E.7. Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying,
performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works
unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9.
1.E.8. You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing
access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided
that
- You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from
the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method
you already use to calculate your applicable taxes. The fee is
owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he
has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the
Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation. Royalty payments
must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you
prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax
returns. Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and
sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the
address specified in Section 4, "Information about donations to
the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation."
- You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies
you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he
does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm
License. You must require such a user to return or
destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium
and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of
Project Gutenberg-tm works.
- You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any
money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the
electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days
of receipt of the work.
- You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free
distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works.
1.E.9. If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm
electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set
forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from
both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael
Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark. Contact the
Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below.
1.F.
1.F.1. Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable
effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread
public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm
collection. Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain
"Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or
corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual
property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a
computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by
your equipment.
1.F.2. LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right
of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project
Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project
Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project
Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all
liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal
fees. YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT
LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE
PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH F3. YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE
TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE
LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR
INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH
DAMAGE.
1.F.3. LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a
defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can
receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a
written explanation to the person you received the work from. If you
received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with
your written explanation. The person or entity that provided you with
the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a
refund. If you received the work electronically, the person or entity
providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to
receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund. If the second copy
is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further
opportunities to fix the problem.
1.F.4. Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth
in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS' WITH NO OTHER
WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO
WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTIBILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE.
1.F.5. Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied
warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages.
If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the
law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be
interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by
the applicable state law. The invalidity or unenforceability of any
provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions.
1.F.6. INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the
trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone
providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance
with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production,
promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works,
harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees,
that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do
or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm
work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any
Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause.
Section 2. Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm
Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of
electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers
including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers. It exists
because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from
people in all walks of life.
Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the
assistance they need, is critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's
goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will
remain freely available for generations to come. In 2001, the Project
Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure
and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations.
To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation
and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4
and the Foundation web page at https://www.pglaf.org.
Section 3. Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive
Foundation
The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit
501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the
state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal
Revenue Service. The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification
number is 64-6221541. Its 501(c)(3) letter is posted at
https://pglaf.org/fundraising. Contributions to the Project Gutenberg
Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent
permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws.
The Foundation's principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S.
Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered
throughout numerous locations. Its business office is located at
809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887, email
[email protected]. Email contact links and up to date contact
information can be found at the Foundation's web site and official
page at https://pglaf.org
For additional contact information:
Dr. Gregory B. Newby
Chief Executive and Director
[email protected]
Section 4. Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg
Literary Archive Foundation
Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide
spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of
increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be
freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest
array of equipment including outdated equipment. Many small donations
($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt
status with the IRS.
The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating
charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United
States. Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a
considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up
with these requirements. We do not solicit donations in locations
where we have not received written confirmation of compliance. To
SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any
particular state visit https://pglaf.org
While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we
have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition
against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who
approach us with offers to donate.
International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make
any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from
outside the United States. U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff.
Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation
methods and addresses. Donations are accepted in a number of other
ways including including checks, online payments and credit card
donations. To donate, please visit: https://pglaf.org/donate
Section 5. General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
works.
Professor Michael S. Hart was the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm
concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared
with anyone. For thirty years, he produced and distributed Project
Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support.
Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed
editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S.
unless a copyright notice is included. Thus, we do not necessarily
keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition.
Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility:
https://www.gutenberg.org
This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm,
including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary
Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to
subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks.
