The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or the London Charivari, Volume 101,
November 21, 1891, by Various
This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or
re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
Title: Punch, Or the London Charivari, Volume 101, November 21, 1891
Author: Various
Release Date: December 1, 2004 [EBook #14229]
Language: English
*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
Produced by Malcolm Farmer and the PG Online Distributed Proofreading
Team
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
VOL. 101.
November 21st, 1891.
[Illustration: CARS, IN HONOUR OF THE WELSH LORD MAYOR,
STRANGELY ENOUGH OMITTED FROM THE PROCESSION ON THE NINTH.]
* * * * *
CANCEL, OR RECALL.
The _World_ last week sounded a note about the compulsory retirement, by
reason of age, from one of the large Revenue Departments, of a gentleman
who has the great honour to be the son of "the most distinguished Irishman
of this century." If this sentence has really been passed authoritatively,
which _Mr. Punch_ takes leave to doubt, then said "Authority" will do well
to recall it in favour of the son of the Liberator, which his name is also
"DAN." And, to give the well-known lines so often quoted,--
"When DAN'L saw the writing on the wall,
At first he couldn't make it out at all."
And the sooner the official writing on the wall--if it exists--be
obliterated, the better for the public service, as, when the public, like
the Captain in the ballad of "_Billy Taylor_," "Comes for to hear on't,"
the said British Public will "werry much applaud what has been done" in
suppressing, not issuing, reconsidering, or revoking the order. So says
"Mr. P.," and the "B.P." will agree with him.
* * * * *
THE ANCIENT MILLINER.
(_His Reminiscences of the Recent Gale._)
PART I.
It was the Ancient Milliner
Stood by his open door;
The tale he told was something like
A tale I'd heard before.
* * * * *
I called forthwith a Hansom, and
"Now, Cabman, drive!" I cried;
"For I must get this bandbox home
Before the eventide.
"The bride a-pacing up the aisle
Mad as a dog would be,
Without this sweet confection of
Silk and passementerie."
Westward the good cab flew. The horse
Was kick-some, wild, and gay;
He tossed his head from side to side
In an offensive way.
He tossed his head, he shook his mane,
And he was big and black;
He wore a little mackintosh
Upon his monstrous back.
I mused upon that mackintosh,
All mournfully mused I;
It was too small a thing to keep
So large a beastie dry.
And on we went up Oxford Street
With a short, uneasy motion;
What made the beast go sideways I
Have not the faintest notion
But we ran into an omnibus
With a short, uneasy motion.
All in a hot, improper way.
The rude 'bus-driver said,
That them what couldn't drive a horse
Should try a moke instead.
Never a word my cabman spoke--
No audible reply--
But, oh, a thousand scathing things
He thought; and so did I.
"What ails thee, Ancient Milliner?
What means thy ashen hue?
Why look'st thou so?"--I murmured, "Blow!"
And at my word _it blew_.
PART II.
The storm-blast came down Edgware Road,
Shrieking in furious glee,
It struck the cab, and both its doors
Leaped open, flying free.
I shut those doors, and kept them close
With all my might and main;
The storm-blast snatched them from my hands,
And forced them back again,
It blew the cabman from his perch
Towards the hornéd moon;
I saw him dimly overhead
Sail like a bad balloon.
It blew the bandbox far away
Across the angry sea;
The English Channel's scattered with
Silk and passementerie.
The silly horse within the shaft
One moment did remain;
And then the harness snapped, and he
Went flying through the rain;
And fell, a four-legged meteor,
Upon the coast of Spain.
_First Voice._
"What makes that cab move on so fast
Wherein no horse I find?"
_Second Voice._
"The horse has cut away before;
The cab's blown from behind."
Then just against the Harrow Road
I made one desperate bound--
A leprous lamp-post and myself
Lay mingled in a swound!
And cables snapped, and all things snapped;
When the next morn was grey,
The _Telegraph_ appeared without
Its "Paris Day by Day."
PART III.
Oh, cheapness is a pleasant thing,
Beloved from pole to pole!
To get a thing at one-and-four,
For which your friend pays twopence more,
Is balm unto the soul.
And cheaper than that Hansom cab
Whose tale I've told thee thus,
Far cheaper it had been to take
The stately omnibus!
To take the stately omnibus
Where all together sit;
Each takes his ticket in his hands,
Obeys the Company's commands,
And pays his pence for it.
And if you would not find yourself
Wrecked in the Edgware Road,
Do not be vulgar and declare
You wish you may be blowed!
* * * * *
[Illustration]
THE "MASHER'S" ANSWER,
[Dr. ARABELLA KENEALY, in the _Westminster Review_, is severe on the
young men of the day for not dancing, and avoiding matrimony.]
Bless me, Doctor ARABELLA,
Hard a lady's hand can strike!
Do you really mean a fella'
Is to dance; just when you like?
Why so savagely sarcastic,
That we will not "take the floor"
And account the "light fantastic"
An unmitigated bore?
You avow we're shy of marriage.
Is not that too hard again?
When a maiden wants a carriage,
And a mansion in Park Lane,
Diamonds, furs, and opera-boxes:
Although ardently one loves,
All the balance I've at Cox's
Wouldn't keep a girl in gloves.
* * * * *
"WILL YOU, WONT YOU?"
_(A Lay of the Lord Chancellor. Very latest Version, NOT from "Iolanthe."_)
[Illustration: _Lord Halsbury (to Bill Sikes)_. "IF YOU _DON'T_ SAY
ANYTHING, IT WILL GO AGAINST YOU; AND IF YOU _DO_, IT WILL BE ALL UP WITH
YOU!"]
["The Lord Chancellor declares himself the foe of any 'technical
system' which excludes 'anybody who knows anything about the facts from
the opportunity of stating what is the truth.' ... We may take it that
very soon we shall see that which may appear strange to English
lawyers, but really is most reasonable--the accused stepping out of the
dock into the witness-box, and giving his evidence, subject to the
ordeal of cross-examination. It may be a bad look-out for rogues, but
for nobody else."--_Times_.]
The Law _should_ be the embodiment
Of everything that is excellent.
But I fancy I've found one diminutive flaw
In that else impeccable thing, the Law.
As its constitutional guardian, I
Must extract that mote from the legal eye.
It seems a preposterous paradox
To exclude the accused from the Witness's Box.
To alter that is a duty for
A very unprejudiced Chancellor.
Here's the Box, my SIKES! With particular pride
I invite you, WILLIAM, to--step inside,
Some peculiar things, things rich and rare,
I shall have to show you when you are there.
"Will you walk into my par----" _dear_ me!
What a curious matter is memory!
What, _what_ has that old song to do
With the little matter 'twixt me and you?
I apologise for the irrelevance, for
I _am_ such a logical Chancellor!
If you step inside--as I trust you will--
We shall worm out the Truth with forensic skill;
And if you decline--as I hope you won't--
We shall know there are reasons, friend, why you don't.
So the Truth must benefit any way,
My beloved BILL. _What_ is that you say?
You don't care a cuss for the Truth? Oh, fie!
Truth makes one a free man. _Step in and try!_
The triumph of Truth is a triumph for
A highly inquisitive Chancellor!
'Twill be most instructive to Judge and Jury
To hear you give evidence. Why this fury?
We can judge, you see, by the way he'll behave,
'Twixt a simpleton and a clever knave.
The _Times_ says so. Eh! _Confound the Times?_
Oh, _don't_ say _so_, BILL! A man of crimes
Might funk the ordeal; but this is the plan
To help the Law--and the Honest Man;
And therefore the plan of all plans for
A highly compassionate Chancellor!
* * * * *
ROBERT ON THE LORD MARE'S SHO.
Well, I've had the grate good luck to have seen praps as menny Lord Mare's
Shos as most peeple, praps more--not so menny, in course, as that werry old
but slitely hexadgerating Lady, as bowsted as she had seen hunderds on
'em--but for sum things, speshally for Rain, and mud, and slush, the last
one beats 'em all holler! What poor little Whales could have done to put
the Clark of the Whether into sitch a temper, in course I don't know, but
if he'd have had a good rattling attack of the gout in both big Tos, like
some past Lord Mares as we has most on us heard on, he coudn't posserbly
have bin in a wuss one.
Praps them as most xcited my reel pitty was the LORD MARE'S six genelmen in
their luvly new State liverries, and their bewtifool pink silk stockings a
showing of their manly carves, all splashing along through the horful mud,
and made crewel fun of by the damp and thortless crowd. The fust reel
staggerer was the reel Firemen, about a thowsand on 'em, a marching along
as bold as their brass Helmets. What did they care for the rain and the
mud! and didn't they look as it they was a longing for a jolly grand Fire
to bust out, jest to show us how easy it was to put it out, tho' they had
lost their jolly Captin. Then there was the pretty Welch Milk Maids, in
their chimbley-pot Hats, and their funny-looking custooms, all a being
drawn by six horses, and having some Bards and Arpers to take care on 'em,
and lend 'em humberrellars to keep off the rain. Ah! won't they have sum
nice little stories to tell all their frends when they gits back to Whales,
inclewding their singing of wun of their hold Welch songs afore the LORD
MARE and all his nobel gests in the evening. No wonder that they was so
estonished and bewillderd that they quite forgot to take off their
chimbley-pot Hats wile they was a singing. But their LORD MARE and
countryman kindly forgave 'em all, and away they went rejoysing.
Upon the hole, I'm quite reddy to bear my testimoney to the fack that, if
we coud by any posserbility have left out the horful rain, and the mud, and
the pore soaked and dismal-looking mothers and children, it woud have been
about the werry finest looking Sho ewer seen. The Bankwet at nite was jest
as good as ushal, and indeed rayther better, and just to sho how thuroly
eweryboddy had recovered from his morning's drenshing, the compny acshally
larfed at the LORD CHANCELLOR'S Speach, and cheered the LORD MARE to the
Hekko!
ROBERT.
* * * * *
[Illustration: A STAGGERER!
_Rector's Wife_ (_instructing an Aspiring Buttons, who has answered her
advertisement_). "YOU'LL HAVE TO OPEN THE SHUTTERS AND THE HALL-DOOR, SEE
TO THE STUDY FIRE, PUT THE THINGS READY IN THE BATH-ROOM, THEN CALL YOUR
MASTER PUNCTUALLY AT SIX, CLEAN HIS BOOTS AND BRUSH HIS CLOTHES, CLEAN ALL
THE CHILDREN'S BOOTS AND SHOES, AND BRUSH _THEIR_ CLOTHES, LAY THE
BREAKFAST PUNCTUALLY AT EIGHT, AFTER WHICH YOU'LL HAVE TO GET THE PONY AND
TRAP READY TO DRIVE THE CHILDREN TO SCHOOL, AND BE BACK IN GOOD TIME. AFTER
YOU'VE DRESSED THE PONY AND CLEANED YOUR KNIVES AND SILVER, YOU WILL MAKE
YOURSELF TIDY, AND THEN YOU'LL LAY THE LUNCH--"
_Aspiring Buttons_ (_gasping_). "PLEASE, 'M--BEG PARD'N--PLACE WON'T DO FOR
ME. WHY, I SHOULD WANT A NEW SUIT O' CLOTHES BEFORE YOU'VE FINISHED TELLING
ME WHAT I'VE GOT TO DO, AND THEN I SHOULDN'T FIND TIME TO BE MEASURED FOR
'EM! GOOD MORN'N."
[_Exit Aspirant._]
* * * * *
RATHER VAGUE.--Sir EDWARD BRADFORD, Commissioner of Police, informs the
Public, through a paragraph in the _Times_, about a meeting at the
Marylebone Vestry, that whenever in the Metropolis a street is found to be
dangerously slippery, some one (probably a policeman) is to telegraph to
the "local authority" (who? what? which? where?) and inform him, her, them
(whatever represents the aforesaid "local authority"), of the fact. Well,
and what then? Who's to do what, and when is it to be done? And what is the
penalty for not doing whatever it is?
* * * * *
SHORTLY TO APPEAR.--_Amiable Almonds_, by the Authoress of _Cross
Currents_. To be followed by _Rum Raisins, Delightful Dates, and Polly
Peach_. Also, _Dolt Care What Apples to Me!_ being the Story of "A Mal wil
a Cold id is Ed."
* * * * *
BIGOTED.--An Anti-Ritualistic old Lady objected to paying her water-rate,
when she was informed that she would be patronising "a High Service."
* * * * *
MEMORANDUM FOR MINOR POETS.--It is an elegant thing to write ballades and
_rondeaux_, but it is tyrannous to read them to your visitors.
* * * * *
THE TRAVELLING COMPANIONS.
No. XV.
SCENE--_The Table d Hôte at Lugano:_ CULCHARD _has not yet caught_ Miss
PRENDERGAST'S _eye._
_Culchard_ (_to_ Mr. BELLERBY). Have you--ah--been up Monte Generoso yet?
_Mr. B._ No. (_After reflecting_) No, I haven't. But I was greatly struck
by its remarkably bold outline from below. Indeed, I dashed off a rough
sketch of it on the back of one of my visiting cards. I ought to have it
somewhere about me now. (_Searching himself._) Ah, I thought so! (_Handing
a vague little scrawl to_ CULCHARD, _who examines it with the deepest
interest._) I knock off quite a number of these while I'm abroad like this.
Send 'em in letters to relatives at home--gives them a notion of the place.
They are--ar--kind enough to value them. (CULCHARD _makes a complimentary
mumble._) Yes, I'm a very rapid sketcher. Put me with regular artists, and
give us half an hour, and I--ar--venture to say I should be on terms with
them. Make it _three_ hours, and--well, I daresay I shouldn't be in it.
_Podbury_ (_who has dropped into the chair next to_ Miss PRENDERGAST _and
her brother_). BOB, old chap, I'll come in the middle, if you don't mind. I
say, this _is_ ripping--no idea of coming across you so soon as this.
(_Lowering his voice, to_ Miss P.) Still pegging away at my "penance," you
see!
_Miss Prend._ The pleasure is more than mutual; but do I understand that
Mr. ----? So _tiresome_, I left my glasses up in my room! [_She peers up
and down the line of faces on her own side of the table._
_Miss T._ (_to Culch._) I want you should notice that girl. I think she
looks just as nice as she can be, don't you?
_Culch._ (_carefully looking in every other direction_).
I--er--mumble--mumble--don't exactly-- [_Here a Waiter offers him a dish
containing layers of soles disguised under thick brown sauce;_ CULCHARD
_mangles it with an ineffectual spoon. The Waiter, with pitying contempt,
"Tut-tut-tut! Pesce Signore--feesh!"_ CULCH. _eventually lands a sole in a
very damaged condition._
_Podb._ (_to Miss P._) No--not this side--just opposite. (_Here_ CULCH.,
_in fingering a siphon which is remarkably stiff on the trigger, contrives
to send a spray across the table and sprinkle_ Miss PRENDERGAST, _her
brother, and_ PODBURY, _with impartial liberality_). _Now_ don't you see
him? As playful as ever, isn't he! Don't try to make out it was an
accident, old fellow. Miss PRENDERGAST knows you! [_Misery of_ CULCHARD.
_Miss P._ (_graciously_). Pray don't apologise, Mr. CULCHARD; not the least
harm done! You must forgive me for not recognising you before, but you know
of old how provokingly shortsighted I am, and I've forgotten my glasses.
_Culch._ (_indistinctly_). I--er--not at all ... most distressed, I assure
you ... really no notion--
_Miss T._ (_in an undertone_). Say, you _know_ her, then? And you never let
on!
_Culch._ Didn't I? Oh, surely! yes, I've--er--_met_ that lady. (_With
grateful deference to_ Mr. BELLERBY, _who has just addressed him._) You are
an Art-Collector? Indeed? And--er--have you--er--?
_Mr. B._ I've the three finest Bodgers in the kingdom, Sir, and there's a
Gubbins--a _Joe_ Gubbins, mind you, not _John_--that's hanging now in the
morning-room of my place in the country that I wouldn't take a thousand
pounds for! I go about using my eyes and pick 'em up cheap. Cheapest
picture _I_ ever bought was a Prout--thirty-two by twenty; got it for two
pound ten! Unfinished, of course, but it only wanted the colour being
brought up to the edge. _I_ did that. Took me half a day, and _now_--well,
any dealer would give me hundreds for it! But I shall leave it to the
nation, out of respect for PROUT'S memory.
_Bob Pr._ (_to_ PODBURY). Yes, came over by; the St. Gothard. Who is that
girl who was talking to CULCHARD just now? Do you know her? I say, I wish
you'd introduce me some time.
_Miss T._ (_to_ CULCHARD). You don't seem vurry bright this evening. I'd
like you to converse with your friend opposite, so I could get a chance to
chip in. I'm ever so interested in that girl!
_Culch._ Presently--presently, if I have an opportunity. (_Hastily, to_ Mr.
B.) I gather that you paint yourself, Sir?
_Mr. B._ Well, yes. I assure you I often go to a Gallery, see a picture
there that takes my fancy, go back to my office, and paint it in half an
hour from memory--so lake the original that, if it were framed, and hung up
alongside, it would puzzle the man who painted it to know t'other from
which! I have indeed! I paint original pictures, too. Most important thing
I ever did was--let me see now--three feet by two and three-quarters. I was
most successful in getting an effect of rose-coloured snow against the sky.
I sponged it up, and--well, it came right somehow. _Luck_, that was, not
skill, you know. I sent that picture to the Royal Academy, and they did me
the honour to--ar--reject it.
_Culch._ (_vaguely_). An--er--honour, indeed.--(_In despair, as_ Mr. B.
_rises._)--You--You're not _going_!
_Mr. B._ (_consolingly_). Only into the garden, for coffee. I observe you
are interested in Art. We will--ar--resume this conversation later.
[_Rises;_ Miss PRENDERGAST _rises too, and goes towards the garden._
_Culch._ (_as he follows, hastily_). I must get this business over--if I
can. But I wish I knew exactly _how_ much to tell her. It's really very
awkward--between the two of them. I'm afraid I've been a little too
precipitate.
_In the Garden; a few minutes later_.
_Miss Prend._ (_who has retired to fetch her glasses, with gracious
playfulness_). Well, Mr. CULCHARD, and how has my knight performed his
lady's behests?
_Culch._ May I ask _which_ knight you refer to?
_Miss P._ (_slightly changing countenance_). Which! Then--you know there is
another? Surely there is nothing in that circumstance to--to offend--or
hurt you?
_Culch._ Offended? (_Considers whether this would be a good line to take._)
Hardly _that_. Hurt? Well, I confess to being pained--very much pained, to
discover that I was unconsciously pitted--against PODBURY!
_Miss P._. But why? I have expressed no preference as yet. You can scarcely
have become so attached to him that you dread the result of a successful
rivalry!
_Culch._ (_to himself_). It's a loop-hole--I'll try it. (_Aloud._) You have
divined my feeling exactly. In--er--obeying your commands, I have learned
to know PODBURY better--to see in him a sterling nature, more worthy, in
some respects, than my own. And I know how deeply he has centred all his
hopes upon you, Miss PRENDERGAST. Knowing, seeing that as I--er--_do_, I
feel that--whatever it costs me--I cannot run the risk of wrecking
the--er--life's happiness of so good a fellow. So you must really allow me
to renounce vows accepted under--er--an imperfect comprehension of
the--er--facts! [_Wipes his brow._
_Miss P._ This is quite too Quixotic. Reflect, Mr. CULCHARD. Is such a
sacrifice demanded of you? I assure you I am perfectly neutral at present.
I _might_ prefer Mr. PODBURY. I _really_ don't know. And--and I don't
_like_ losing one of my suitors like this!
_Culch._ Don't tempt me! I--I mustn't listen, I cannot. No, I renounce. Be
kind to PODBURY--try to recognise the good in him ... he is so devoted to
you--make him happy, if you can!
_Miss P._ (_affected_). I--I really can't tell you how touched I am, Mr.
CULCHARD. I can guess what this renunciation must have cost you. It--it
gives me a better opinion of human nature ... it does, indeed!
_Culch._ (_loftily, as she rises to go in_). Ah, Miss PRENDERGAST, _don't_
lose your faith in human nature! Trust me, it is--er--full of surprises!
(_Alone._) Now am I an abominable humbug, or what? I swear I felt every
word I said, at the time. Curious psychological state to be in. But I'm out
of what might have been a very unpleasant mess at all events!
_Miss T. (coming upon him from round a corner)._ Well, I'm _sure_, Mr.
CULCHARD!
_Culch._ You are a young lady of naturally strong convictions, I am aware.
But what are you so sure of at the present moment?
_Miss T._ Well, I guess I'm not just as sure of _you_ as I should like to
be, anyway. Seems to me, considering you've been so vurry inconsolable away
from me, you'd a good deal to say to that young lady in the patent folders.
And I'd like an explanation--you're right down splendid at explaining most
things.
_Culch. (with virtuous indignation)._ So you actually suspect me of having
carried on a flirtation!
_Miss T._ I guess girls don't use their pocket-handkerchiefs that way over
the weather. Who _is_ she, anyway?
_Culch. (calmly)._ If you insist on knowing, she is the lady to whom Mr.
PODBURY has every prospect of being engaged. I hope your mind is at ease
_now_?
_Miss T._ Well, I expect my mind would have stood the strain as it was--so
it's Mr. PODBURY who's her admirer? See here, you're going to introduce me
to that girl right away. It's real romantic, and I'm perfectly dying to
make her acquaintance!
_Culch._ Hum--well. She is--er--_peculiar_, don't you know, and I rather
doubt whether you will have much in common.
_Miss T._ Well, if you don't introduce me, I shall introduce myself, that's
all.
_Culch._ By all means. (_To himself._) Not if _I_ can prevent it, though!
* * * * *
[Illustration: "I knock off quite a number of these while I'm abroad like
this."]
* * * * *
[Illustration]
* * * * *
ONLY FANCY!
We are in a position to give an emphatic contradiction to the rumour, put
forward with much assurance, that the King of SPAIN has entered upon
negotiations of a matrimonial character with reference to the grand-niece
of the Crown Prince of ROUMANIA. No one familiar with His Majesty's views
on the Triple Alliance, and his openly-expressed opinion with respect to
the occupation of Egypt, could for one moment give credence to a report so
intrinsically absurd.
* * * * *
RYMUND has been imposed upon by one of his young men. Our friend, whose
susceptibility to the wiles of impostors, though an amiable weakness,
somewhat militates against his perfect success in life, has printed a
paragraph announcing that the QUEEN will leave Balmoral on Friday the 20th
inst. at half-past two in the afternoon, Her MAJESTY reaching Windsor at
nine o'clock on Saturday morning. _It is twenty-five minutes to three_ when
the Royal train will start, and Windsor will not be reached till five
minutes after the hour mentioned by RYMUND. It is crass inaccuracies like
these that lower the weekly press in the estimation of an observant public.
* * * * *
HENED has been at it again. Two months ago we published the intelligence
that the Princess FREDERICA of Hanover would pass the winter months at
Biarritz, a well-known watering-place almost on the border-land between
Spain and France. This news was received with gratifying tokens of interest
at every Court of Europe, and has been noted in innumerable communications
passing privately between high personages. Then HENED comes upon the scene,
and pompously makes an identical announcement as a piece of news! Far be it
from us to take advantage of infirmity imposed upon a man by the idiocy of
his godfathers and godmothers at his baptism. But we are compelled to ask,
What can be expected from a man named HENED?
* * * * *
Sir HENRY WOLFF still lingers in town, Bucharest, in the meantime, having
to get along as best it may without a British Minister. In private circles
likely to be well-informed, the delay is understood to arise directly out
of the fact that Lord RANDOLPH CHURCHILL is now "beyond the reach of
regular postal arrangements."
"I wrote to tell GRANDOLPH about ARTHUR BALFOUR stepping into his old shoes
as Leader of the House of Commons," says WOLFFY, showing his white teeth;
"and, begad, I shall not leave Pall Mall till I hear what he says on the
subject."
* * * * *
What is this scandal we hear about the THINGUMMIES? The family are
naturally reticent on the subject, but WHOSETHIS has furnished us with some
particulars which we believe may be relied on. On Wednesday afternoon, at
five minutes to three (as nearly as we can fix the time), Mrs. THINGUMMY
was walking down Bond Street, when, just as she reached the point where, as
the Directory says, "Here is Bruton Street," who should pass her but
WHATSHISNAME. THINGUMMY, who, by a strange chance, happened to be passing
in a Hansom cab, was a witness to the _rencontre_, and following up the
clue, came upon particulars which WHATDYECALLIT informs us is likely to
make a stir. Mr. GEORGE LEWIS, being a friend of all parties concerned,
will not accept a retainer from either side.
* * * * *
The _Daily News_, in its report of the opening of the Food and Cookery
Exhibition at the Agricultural Hall, remarks:--
"It will not be the least attractive feature of the exhibition that
samples may be tasted at nearly all the stalls. The exhibition includes
samples of gas and asbestos stoves and kitchen ranges."
We have brought this announcement under the notice of a friend who knows
what's what when he's out to luncheon, and are disappointed at his lack of
enthusiasm. He says he doesn't care about taking his gas that way, and as
for asbestos stoves he knows nothing more indigestible, unless it be a
kitchen range.
* * * * *
BALDER THE FAIR.
(_A Head-Piece._)
[Eminent Physiologists assert that the most intellectual types of the
future will be completely bald.]
Do'st imagine all Poets by locks hyacinthine
Distinguished from Lawyers, Physicians, and Aldermen,
By capillary cataracts, thick as are thin thine?--
Bald, sooth to say, few undeniably balder men
Can be found, for the comfort of heads without hair,
Than that exquisite troubadour, BALDER the Fair.
Yes, the times are gone by when a SWINBURNE or BYRON
Were loved for their love-locks and famed for their frizziness,
When Olympian craniums, worthy of MYRON
Or ANGELO, bowed to the hair-dresser's business,
When Macassar's luxuriant essences fed
At once metrical foot and symmetrical head.
DULCINEA, who dotes on that pure, polished surface
(Like ivory turned to the billiard-room's spherosid),
BALDER'S occiput glassing bewitchingly _her_ face,
The face of his Dear, _by herself in her hero eyed_--
DULCINEA would deem it profanity, were
It in nature to beg for a tress of his hair!
So take warning, ye Minstrels whose locks are a feature,
Be bald, e'en as bald as your verse peradventure is;
To be bald is the crown of the civilised creature,
And barbers are relics of barbarous centuries:
Still, howe'er you may strive, you will never compare,
For perfection of baldness, with BALDER the Fair.
* * * * *
[Illustration]
* * * * *
A WARNING.--After the recent gale, the papers reported "WHOLESALE
DESTRUCTION OF HOARDINGS." Very hard that hoardings couldn't be saved.
Still, after all, the fact must be taken as a providential warning to
Misers.
* * * * *
FROM THE NOTE-BOOK OF A REFLECTIVE GOURMET.--"The only thing your friend
has a right to saddle you with is ... fine five-year old mutton."
* * * * *
[Illustration: THINGS ONE WOULD WISH TO HAVE EXPRESSED DIFFERENTLY.
_He._ "THE FACT IS, I NEVER GET ANY WILD FOWL SHOOTING--NEVER!"
_She._ "OH, THEN YOU OUGHT TO COME DOWN TO OUR NEIGHBOURHOOD IN THE WINTER.
IT WOULD JUST SUIT YOU, THERE ARE SUCH A LOT OF GEESE ABOUT--A--A--I MEAN
_WILD_ GEESE, OF COURSE!"]
* * * * *
THE "EGYPTIAN PET."
["We desire that Egypt should he strong enough of herself to repel all
external attack, and to put down all internal disturbance."--_Lord
Salisbury at the Guildhall._]
_Professor of the Noble Art of Self-Defence (the "Pet's" Trainer),
loquitur_:--
Change in _my_ attitude? Nay, not a bit of it!
Like JOAN'S true DARBY I'm "always the same."
Parties may flout, but I can't see the wit of it;
Surely they ought to be fly to my game.
Such "disquisitions" are strangely unfortunate,
Pain us extremely, delighting our foes;
Worry one too, like a busy, importunate
Fly on one's nose.
Don't know the play of our pugilist system, "Pet,"
Parties abroad who give heed to such chat.
Rival lot out of it; nobody's missed 'em, "Pet,"
(Nobody ever knew what _they'd_ be at).
Now, in position of much "greater freedom," "Pet,"
Fancy they'll badger _me_ into a hole.
One thing is certain, nobody will heed 'em, "Pet,"
_Poor little soul!_
_They_ were nice trainers and backers for you, my lad.
Pretty nigh muffed any small chance you'd got.
Square up those shoulders a little bit, _do_, my lad!
That form won't put in a slommocking shot.
Their fumbling style and contemptible flabbiness
Clings to you yet. Ah! thanks be, you've changed hands.
They'd crab our swim, but the Old Scuttler's shabbiness
BULL understands.
_We_ didn't bring you out, put you in training, "Pet,"
Or crack you up as the Coming Young Copt.
(Straighten up, boy! Such corkscrewing and craning, "Pet,"
Never a rib-roasting wunner in-popt.)
No, you 're a legacy! Would not deceive you, "Pet,"
You are a stick, and have cost a good bit.
Still we have charge of, and don't mean to leave you, "Pet,"
Till you are "fit."
Biceps? Ah, verily, feeling your muscle, "Pet,"
Isn't a job that brings SANDOW to mind.
Where would you be in a real hard tussle, "Pet"?
You're not a Pug of the wear-and-tear kind.
Foes many menace you. Champions, boy, you know,
Challenge all comers; they _have_ to--you bet.
When you can do so, I'll leave you with joy, you know.
But--'tisn't yet!
Thanks to our care, you're improving, my "Pet," a bit.
Promising Novice, of that there's no doubt.
But up to Champion form? No, not yet a bit.
Just try that on, and you'll soon get knocked out.
Can't say exactly how long we must bide with you,
Help you develope grit, muscle, and pipe;
But we must own you to-day--(though we side with you)--
_Not_ "Cherry Ripe!"
[_Left putting the "Pet" through his paces._
* * * * *
VERY NEAR.--"The man who never makes a mistake, never makes anything," said
Mr. PHELPS, the American Minister, in the course of a farewell after-dinner
speech. Happening to be re-reading Mr. SURTEES' inimitable _Soapy Sponge_,
we find that _Mr. Bragg_, when applying for the situation of Huntsman to
_Mr. Puffington_, remarked, "He, Sir, who never makes an effort, Sir, never
risks a failure," which is just the premiss to Mr. PHELPS'S celebrated
conclusion.
* * * * *
A NUPTIAL PENEDICTION.--"Pless you, my children!" as Sir CORNWALLIS WEST
will say in his best Principality-English to the happy Bride and Bridegroom
on December 8 next.
* * * * *
[Illustration: THE "EGYPTIAN PET."
PROFESSOR OF THE NOBLE ART OF SELF-DEFENCE. "NOT UP TO IT YET, YOUNG 'UN."
"We desire that Egypt should be strong enough of herself to repel all
external attack, and to put down all internal disturbance."
_Lord Salisbury's Speech at the Guildhall, November 9th._]
* * * * *
"BY JINGO!"
(_A Military Sketch according to precedent._)
[Illustration: A Call to Arms!]
SCENE--_Sanctum of the_ Coming General. _To him enter_ Intelligent
Foreigner.
_Intelligent Foreigner (politely)._ I trust you will forgive me for
intruding upon you, but the fact is I am very anxious to obtain a few
useful hints for the Government I have the honour to represent.
_Coming General (effusively)._ Oh, certainly. Only too glad to lay down any
work I may have in hand, to tell you everything. Of course you have been
over Woolwich Arsenal and the Dockyards, and no doubt you have--
_Int. For. (interrupting)._ Yes, thanks, I have seen everything, and had
everything explained to me. I do not believe that there is a single
official secret that has not been revealed to me in the kindest manner
possible.
_Com. Gen. (heartily)._ Come, that is as it should be! We like to tell the
whole world what we can do.
_In. For. (drily)._ Exactly, and teach your neighbours how to do it?
_Com. Gen. (gazing at his neglected work)._ But if you know everything, why
do you come to me?
_In. For._ Well, I thought if I got it first hand from the Commander of the
Future, it would strengthen the opinion I have already formed of the
unpreparedness of the British Empire. For I take it that the British Empire
_is_ unprepared?
_Com. Gen. (amused)._ Why, certainly! I thought everybody knew that! If war
were declared now, according to all the rules of the game, we ought to be
absolutely ruined.
_In. For._ Dear me! I am sorry to hear it! But surely your Fleet is fairly
strong?
_Com. Gen. (laughing)._ What a joke! Oh, I dare say, ship for ship and gun
for gun, we are more powerful than any other nation. But if hostilities
broke out, our Fleet would be valueless. We should want every vessel to
guard our island shores, and our commerce and colonies would have to shift
for themselves.
_In. For. (with concern)._ Dear me! This is very sad! But then you have an
Army?
_Com. Gen. (with another burst of laughter)._ What! Call our wretched force
an Army! Why, to quote a writer, whose letters have been published in our
leading journal, "Nobody could tell the Secretary of State for War how a
force of forty thousand men, if it had to be supplemented for defensive
purposes by Volunteers, could be supplied with ammunition for six weeks."
Call our force an Army! Why, my dear Sir, the notion is absolutely
ridiculous!
_In. For._ But does not such a state of things make you uneasy?
_Com. Gen._ Uneasy! Of course it does! Why, at a moment's notice, this
grand old country might disappear for ever! Why we all feel that we are on
the point of dissolution! We know that only a ninth-rate Power has to send
a fleet to invade us, and we should have to submit--that we should be
absolutely effaced, and be known in future as merely a geographical
expression!
_In. For._ But surely this is lamentable--demoralising?
_Com. Gen._ I should rather think it was!--awfully demoralising!--(_Sound
of telephone bell._)--But will you pardon me? Some one wishes to speak to
me from Head Quarters. I won't be a second.
_In. For._ Certainly. Pray see what it is.
_Com. Gen. (listening, and speaking through telephone)._ What! Not really?
Hurray!
_In. For._ Why, what is the news?
_Com. Gen. (excitedly)._ Splendid! The Great Powers of Europe have
simultaneously declared war against us! This will be grand!
_In. For. (in a tone of deep commiseration)._ My poor fellow, this means
ruin!
_Com. Gen._ Ruin! Rot! (_Through telephone._) All right, will start
to-night, and should be in Paris by Thursday, and at St. Petersburg at
latest by the end of week. We can take Vienna and Berlin on our way home! I
will be with the men at Portsmouth within an hour. Never mind our baggage;
send it on afterwards.
_In. For. (astounded)._ But what are you going to do?
_Com. Gen. (with determination)._ Going to do! Why give them another
thrashing! By-by, no time for talking! See you again soon!
[_Exit hurriedly to beat the foe, and, strange to say, the object is
subsequently attained--somehow!_
* * * * *
AN ANTI-ONIONIST LIBERAL.--Mr. LEAKE lately made a radically plucky speech,
and is in future to be known in the North as Cocky Leakey.
* * * * *
OUR FINANCIAL COLUMN.
_Telegraphic Address.--"Croesus," Everywhere._
[Illustration]
Of course I knew perfectly well what would happen after I had put forth the
programme of my financial operations. I said at the time to my friend GUS
BRUMMAGEM, "Mark my words," I said, "I shall have all the Crowned Heads of
the world grovelling at my feet and imploring, actually imploring me to
allow them to hand over their money and their ancestral regalia to me for
investment. They're bound to do it. I know the beggars well, and a more
grasping lot you couldn't find within a day's march of Holloway Gaol." Dear
old GUS (Beau GUS he is always called on account of his singularly
attractive appearance) went so far as to pooh-pooh what I said. I don't
bear him any ill-will. Gus was always a bit of a courtier, and got his head
turned for good, when the Japanese Prince CHI IKAH invited him to stay a
week at his country house, and to act as godfather to the infant prince, KA
CHOOKAH, the necessary ceremony haying been postponed for six months in
order to allow GUS to get there in time. That, as I say, was the ruin of
GUS, and since that time he has had an offensive way of giving himself not
merely airs, but what I may call regular blasts in the company of men
better than himself. He ought to recollect that he owes his start in life
to the lucky chance that threw him in my way. If I hadn't appointed him
Chairman of the Turp, Pin and Bolt Company, and Managing Director of the
New Gatefringe Syndicate, Limited, he might still be engaged in sweeping
out the tenth-rate office which was formerly the scene of his labours. But
I never expect gratitude. I am content to do good to my fellow-creatures
without the least hope of merely temporal reward. On this particular
occasion I was right, as usual. Telegrams stamped with the coats-of-arms of
all the principal dynasties of the world have been inundating me. For
instance, H.R.H. the Hereditary Grand Duke of LEIBWEH has wired to me in
the following terms, of which I have caused an accurate translation to be
executed by my staff of paid short-hand clerks:--"Have on my faithful and
with-joy-inspired subjects a tax of ten _reichsgulden_ each after great on
the part of my ministers reluctance imposed. Invest proceeds for me in the
best to your wisdom known company, and without delay. Perfect confidence."
Now I can assure His Royal Highness, who will look in vain for any other
answer than this, that no power on earth, and least of all the cajoleries
or menaces of the great and highly-placed shall induce me to depart by one
jot or tittle from the course I have marked out for myself. And I take this
occasion to assure all other potentates that I do not propose by any effort
of mine to bring wealth to the foreigner. The welfare of the British people
is my only care. For them, _but for no others_, my investments are open; to
them alone I devote my unrivalled experience. And after this I trust I
shall be troubled with no further importunities from abroad.
I have to announce this week that I have formed The Croesus Club Company. I
have, at immense expense, secured a splendid site in the very heart of the
fashionable quarter of London. Building operations will begin immediately,
and within the next three weeks the members will be housed in a Club-house
unrivalled for comfort and luxury. Ten French _chefs_ will preside over the
kitchen, and house dinners at a minimum price of £5 a-head will be served
in the Ruby Hall to the strains of the Brass Potsdammer Buben Hussar Band,
specially retained for the exclusive service of the Club. The first list of
members will consist of 2000, and, in order to insure exclusiveness, the
subscription will be fixed at £500 without any entrance fee. A list of the
Provisional Committee, containing a Duke as Chairman and four Peers as
ordinary members, will be issued at once. I have the authority of the
Committee to receive subscriptions.
I may point with pride to the fact that all the investments recommended by
me have prospered, and the list of British millionnaires has been heavily
increased. Canadian Boodlers fairly firm, but with a tendency to cross the
border-line. No returns. I say, "Sell." M.T. Coffer Co. not very promising.
(294 stk.; lim. pref., 19; mortg. deb., 44.) Clear out, if possible. Tight
Rates Ry. Co. must be bought. But enough of this. All that is necessary is
that correspondents should send remittances. The rest may be left to me.
CROESUS.
* * * * *
[Illustration: THE FLOODS. A FARMER'S DREAM.]
* * * * *
QUITE A LIBEL'Y PROSPECT!
(_Or what may be expected after a recent Verdict._)
SCENE--_An Editor's Room._ Editor _and_ Chief Sub. _discovered in
conversation._
_Editor._ And I think you have asked the Solicitors who have threatened us
with proceedings to be in attendance?
_Chief Sub._ Yes, Sir. They are below--shall I send them up?
_Ed._ If you please. One by one; and kindly impress upon them the value of
my time.
_Chief Sub._ Certainly. But I think you will find they will get over their
business pretty speedily. After they have gone, no doubt you would like to
look at the Contents Bill, Sir?
_Ed._ Yes, please; and now send up the Lawyers.
[_Exit_ Chief Sub., _when the_ Editor _returns to his writing, until
interrupted by_ First Solicitor.
_First Solor._ Sorry to intrude upon you when you seem to be busy, but it
was your own idea that I should look you up.
_Ed._ Entirely. And now, Sir, perhaps you will kindly explain of what your
client has to complain.
_First Solor._ Certainly. You said of the senior member of the Bounding
Brothers of Bohemia, that, "although a very marvel of strength and grace,
he could scarcely, after fifty years service in the ring, be described as a
trapèze-practising acrobat."
_Ed._ Well, surely that is a most complimentary allusion to his
personality! What does he want more than to be "a marvel of grace and
strength"?
_First Solor._ You say he can scarcely be described as a
"trapèze-practising acrobat."
_Ed._ Well, can he? Does he ever practise on the trapèze?
_First Solor._ Well, no. But he might if he liked! You see his chief
business is to stand at the base of the pyramid, at the apex of which is
his smallest and lightest Bounding Brother. But he might use the trapèze, I
repeat, if he liked.
_Ed._ If what I hear is correct--it would have to be a strong one?
_First Solor._ Certainly--an extra strong one. We don't deny that our
client weighs over twenty stone. But there, as we can accept no
explanation, will you kindly tell me the name of your Solicitor?
_Editor._ Certainly.
[_Gives the requisite information, and returns to his work, until
interrupted by_ Second Solicitor, _who has taken the place of the First._
_Second Solor._ I am afraid this interview is absolutely useless. Our
client can accept no apology. You announced that you believed that JOHN
SNOOKS had ceased to be in the employment of the Universal Cab and Fly
Company.
_Editor._ Who is John SNOOKS?
_Second Solor._ He is a driver in the service of the organisation I have
just named--and we act for the organisation. We complain that you have
seriously injured us by telling the public that you believed we had lost
the services of one of our thousand drivers.
_Editor._ But if we _did_ believe it?
_Second Solor._ That is your business and not ours; and so, Sir, we shall
be glad of the names of your Solicitors.
[_The information is afforded, and the_ Editor _returns to his work, until
interrupted by_ Third Solicitor.
_Third Solor._ Sorry to disturb you, but you have been libelling one of our
clients. He objects to your putting his Christian name in the paper--says
that even with another surname it will injure him with his neighbours. He
doesn't want his Christian name to be figuring in the public prints.
_Ed._ And what is his Christian name?
_Third Solor._ ZOZIMUS.
_Ed._ Why, that is mine! I thought I was the only man in the world with
that name, with the solitary exception of my godfather!
_Third Solor._ Very likely you are--your godfather is our client.
_Ed._ Then mustn't I print my own name?
_Third Solor._ Certainly not without running the risk of an action for
libel. The address of your Solicitors, please?
[_The_ Editor _gives the desired information, and then sends up "the
Pleasure of Editing" to the Composing Room as a line for the Contents Bill
as the Scene closes in._
* * * * *
An Elevating Exhibition.
At the Alhambra, the Little GEORGIA MAGNET ought to attract thousands.
Three heavy swells seated on a chair she can lift, chair and all, so that
the little lady's exhibition of power must have a wonderfully elevating
effect on all who come within the reach of her influence. At all events,
there can be no doubt that her magnetic force will give the Alhambra itself
a tremendous lift.
* * * * *
"I can't write seasonable verses," replied Our Festive Poet, "until I've
had my Christmas dinner, and then _I'm mincepie-r'd_!"
* * * * *
[Illustration: EXCELSIOR!
_She._ "I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE A _MUSICIAN_; HERR MÜLLER."
_He._ "A MUSICIAN? ACH, NO--GOTT VORPIT! I AM A _WAGNERIAN_!"]
* * * * *
AN IMPERIAL STAGE-MANAGER.
[Illustration: Only in Play!]
"_GUILLAUME DEUX_," says the _Figaro_, "_prend très au sérieux sa tâche de
moralisateur._" He is his own Licenser of plays, and, it may be presumed,
collars the fees for doing the official Licenser's work; that is, if there
be a department of this nature in the Lord Chamberlain's Office. And His
Imperial Highhandedness not only is his own licenser, but is a
self-appointed Stage-Manager, for, continues the _Figaro_, "_Il a préscrit
que, dans une pièce moderne, LE NOUVEAU MAITRE, une scène un peu violente
ne fût pas jouée à l'avant-scène, mais au fond du théâtre._" If His
Imperial Majesty should permit some of IBSEN'S plays to be performed,
_Ghosts_ for example, or _Hedda Gabler_, no doubt most of the dialogue
would be given right at the back of the stage, out of ear-shot of the
audience. In ordinary dramas the Villain who may have to use strong
language, or in farce the Eccentric Comedian who frequently has to utter
more or less playfully a meaningless "big big D," would by Imperial command
be compelled to "retire up" to deliver himself of the expletive, and then
would have to "come down to the front" and continue the stage-business.
But, not satisfied with merely giving the above stage-directions, His
Imperial Majesty "_est allé samedi s'assurer en personne que ses ordres
étaient bien exécutés._" No dodging such an Emperor as this. How would Herr
Von IRVING and Herr TOOLE like this personal supervision? And how about
Herren JONES, PINERO, W.S. GILBERT and a few others, who would not
particularly enjoy having their stage-directions upset by even an Imperial
amateur. The next move of GUILLAUME DEUX will be to make himself honorary
prompter, and it may be to cast himself for the leading parts.
* * * * *
OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
"_DICKENSII nihil à me alienum puto_," quoth the Baron, taking up _A Week's
Tramp in Dickens-Land_. By W.K. HUGHES, F.L.S., with Illustrations by F.G.
KITTON, and Others, published by Messrs. CHAPMAN AND HALL. Ahem! The frisky
KITTON, having several tales to play with (probably some relation to the
Cat-'o-nine-tails, eh?), has done his work well; and the same may be said
for Others. The work can be recommended as a book of pictorial reference
for Dickensian students, but otherwise it is--ahem--superfluous. If this
kind of trading on the name of DICKENS continues, we shall probably become
HUGHES'd to seeing such announcements as, "Shortly to appear,--_The
Collected Bills of the Butcher and Baker of Charles Dickens_; _Upper
Storeys of Houses in whose Neighbourhood Charles Dickens resided_; _Some
Tradesmen's Accounts, Receipted and Returned with Thanks, Autographically,
to Charles Dickens_, &c., &c.
[Illustration: The Light that Failed; or, a Thief in the Candle.]
A sad story, picturesquely commenced, and powerfully ended, is RUDYARD
KIPLING'S _The Light that Failed_. But, between these two extremes, the
conversations have the deadly fault of being wearisome, and, as to the
manner of their conversation, were the Baron compelled to listen to much of
it, life would indeed not be worth living. The women-kind in it are all
detestable; there is none of them that doeth good in the novel, no, not
one. It becomes gradually gloomier and gloomier, and, indeed, it is well
styled _The Light that Failed_. Since DAUDET'S _Jack_, the Baron calls to
mind no book more pitiful, no characters more heartless, and no sadder
ending. Clever, of course; artistic, equally so; but--well, the Baron's
advice to his enemies is, Go in heavily for Christmas festivities, have an
orgy of plum-pudding, creams, sweets, and mince-pies, and, on the day after
Boxing Day, stay indoors, and read _The Light that Failed_.
In the Baron's office there are several departments, where SAM the Skipper
for novels, CHILD HAROLD for children's books, and PETER the Salt for tales
of the sea, are specially busy at Christmas time. To quote the ancient song
of the "_Mistletoe Bough_":--
"The Baron's retainers were Blythe and Gay;"
and so are they now, as the Ladies BELINDA BLYTHE and GRISELDA GAY
undertake a considerable proportion of such seasonable reviewing as is more
or less expected from the BARON DE BOOK-WORMS about this season of the
year. But the Baron reviews the reviewers, and presents the public with
only the pick of the basket. Now, once for all, the Baron gives notice
hereby and herewith nevertheless and all to the contrary notwithstanding,
that neither he nor his retainers will take notice of Christmas puzzles,
such as, for example, the bilious-looking "Spots Puzzle," which ought to be
dedicated to _Little Red Riding Hood_, as it is brought out by "WOLF." The
Baron cannot listen to "the cry of WOLF." Let that he understood. Now, in
the way of Books, what is there for Christmas fare? There is friend
BLACKIE, who doesn't keep himself dark, but comes out with _Henty_ in
Plenty, whose _Dash for Khartoum_ will be appreciated even by those who
don't ordinarily care a dash for anything. Ask for HENTY, and see that you
get him. Mr. MANVILLE FENN ought long ago to have changed his name to
BOYVILLE FENN, as he is so associated with Books for Boys, and his
_Brownsmith's Boy_ is more boyant than ever. "A capital book" says the
Baron's chief adviser. Find out _The Rover's Secret_, by HARRY COLLINGWOOD;
it is worth knowing, and make friends with ANNIE ARMSTRONG'S _Three Bright
Girls_.
[Illustration: Blackie and Son introducing themselves to the Baron de
Book-Worms.]
_Angling Sketches_, by ANDREW LANG--_Andrew L'Angler_--are delightful
reading. The Baron pictures to himself the thoughtful and Balfour-like
ANDREW on a bank by the river, rod stuck into ground, pencil and note-book
in his hand. "What is he doing, my boy?" inquires the Baron, of the
hook-baiting boy. "He's ketching sumthink," whispers the urchin. Is it
Historical Notes on the _Diet of Wurms_? Is it necessary to show that the
fish have no consciousness of Pain? Or, is he composing _Lines to my Rod_?
Or is it a disquisition on "ingratitude," showing how the stream goes on
murmuring? And does he classically remind it how silent it ought to
be,--_Dumb defluit annis_? Or does the stream murmur because our ANDREW the
Fisherman has been "whipping" it? Should he betake himself to fly-fishing,
let his motto be "Strike and spare not!" and if he would be wise above his
fellows in the gentle art of catching fish, let him consult _The Incomplete
Angler_, says, disinterestedly,
THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS.
* * * * *
MEMS FROM MONKEY-LAND.
(_Being a Report made to the "Royal Simian Society" by Professor Hairy
Myas, F.R.S.S., with compliments to Professor Garnier, who continues
his articles on "a Simian Language" in "The New Review" for this
month._)
I have for some time past paid considerable attention to the sounds uttered
by the Human Beings who are permitted to observe our movements, in the wire
house which the Proprietor of these gardens has so obligingly placed at our
disposal, rent free. My object has been to discover whether the Human
Species, though belonging to a rather low form of animal life, can be said
to have anything corresponding to the language which is the recognised
means of communicating between Apes.
I have been much assisted in my investigations by the kind help afforded me
by the great Anubis Baboon, who has frequently abandoned the consumption of
nuts to come and make experiments on our human visitors; the elder members
of the Chimpanzee Family have also been most useful, and have often
restrained the young of their household from interrupting my inquiries by
ill-timed pleasantries. Only once in the whole course of these scientific
labours have I had seriously to complain of my tail being made use of as a
swing.
It was not long before I came to the conclusion that men do really mean
something by the extraordinary gibberings and chatterings in which they
indulge. My first experiment was on a female of the species, with a blue
feather in her bonnet. At a sign from me, a young Chimpanzee suddenly and
adroitly snatched the bonnet from her head. The sound she uttered was, as
nearly as I can put it, _wh-oo-w!_ ending in a shrill scream. I therefore
take the _oo_ sound to indicate alarm, or dissatisfaction. Exactly the same
vowels were used by the Male.
The mischievous young of the Human Species, we have discovered, also have
this _oo_ sound, and use it when they wish to frighten us.
The three conclusions which I have drawn from my inquiries are:--
1. That Human Beings understand the sounds they utter to each other, and
therefore possess a language, as we do.
2. That Human Beings have, in a very imperfect and rudimentary shape, the
faculty of reason.
3. _That Apes have descended from Men!_ In other words, that a Monkey is
only a highly-developed and more agile Man.
[Illustration]
These, no doubt, are startling conclusions, and I expect them to excite
controversy. In fact, an Ourang-Outang friend of mine, to whom I mentioned
them, was so shocked, that he has declined all nourishment ever since. But
I rely on the scientific spirit of this great society to do me justice; and
I venture to add a request that it will see fit to endow research by voting
an extra supply of apples and nuts to the Chimpanzees, the Anubis Baboon,
and myself, while we are at work on this very fatiguing field of inquiry.
* * * * *
--> NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed
Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no case be
returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope,
Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.
End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or the London Charivari, Volume
101, November 21, 1891, by Various
*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
***** This file should be named 14229-8.txt or 14229-8.zip *****
This and all associated files of various formats will be found in:
https://www.gutenberg.org/1/4/2/2/14229/
Produced by Malcolm Farmer and the PG Online Distributed Proofreading
Team
Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions
will be renamed.
Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no
one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation
(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without
permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules,
set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to
copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to
protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark. Project
Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you
charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission. If you
do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the
rules is very easy. You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose
such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and
research. They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do
practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks. Redistribution is
subject to the trademark license, especially commercial
redistribution.
*** START: FULL LICENSE ***
THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE
PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK
To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free
distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work
(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project
Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project
Gutenberg-tm License (available with this file or online at
https://gutenberg.org/license).
Section 1. General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm
electronic works
1.A. By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm
electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to
and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property
(trademark/copyright) agreement. If you do not agree to abide by all
the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy
all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession.
If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project
Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the
terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or
entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8.
1.B. "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark. It may only be
used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who
agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement. There are a few
things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works
even without complying with the full terms of this agreement. See
paragraph 1.C below. There are a lot of things you can do with Project
Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement
and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
works. See paragraph 1.E below.
1.C. The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the Foundation"
or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project
Gutenberg-tm electronic works. Nearly all the individual works in the
collection are in the public domain in the United States. If an
individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are
located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from
copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative
works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg
are removed. Of course, we hope that you will support the Project
Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by
freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of
this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with
the work. You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by
keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project
Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others.
1.D. The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern
what you can do with this work. Copyright laws in most countries are in
a constant state of change. If you are outside the United States, check
the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement
before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or
creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project
Gutenberg-tm work. The Foundation makes no representations concerning
the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United
States.
1.E. Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg:
1.E.1. The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate
access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently
whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the
phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the phrase "Project
Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed,
copied or distributed:
This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or
re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
1.E.2. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived
from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is
posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied
and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees
or charges. If you are redistributing or providing access to a work
with the phrase "Project Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the
work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1
through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the
Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or
1.E.9.
1.E.3. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted
with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution
must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional
terms imposed by the copyright holder. Additional terms will be linked
to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the
permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work.
1.E.4. Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm
License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this
work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm.
1.E.5. Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this
electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without
prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with
active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project
Gutenberg-tm License.
1.E.6. You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary,
compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any
word processing or hypertext form. However, if you provide access to or
distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than
"Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official version
posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org),
you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a
copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon
request, of the work in its original "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other
form. Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm
License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1.
1.E.7. Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying,
performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works
unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9.
1.E.8. You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing
access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided
that
- You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from
the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method
you already use to calculate your applicable taxes. The fee is
owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he
has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the
Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation. Royalty payments
must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you
prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax
returns. Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and
sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the
address specified in Section 4, "Information about donations to
the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation."
- You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies
you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he
does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm
License. You must require such a user to return or
destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium
and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of
Project Gutenberg-tm works.
- You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any
money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the
electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days
of receipt of the work.
- You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free
distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works.
1.E.9. If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm
electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set
forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from
both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael
Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark. Contact the
Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below.
1.F.
1.F.1. Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable
effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread
public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm
collection. Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain
"Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or
corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual
property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a
computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by
your equipment.
1.F.2. LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right
of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project
Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project
Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project
Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all
liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal
fees. YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT
LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE
PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH F3. YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE
TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE
LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR
INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH
DAMAGE.
1.F.3. LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a
defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can
receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a
written explanation to the person you received the work from. If you
received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with
your written explanation. The person or entity that provided you with
the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a
refund. If you received the work electronically, the person or entity
providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to
receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund. If the second copy
is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further
opportunities to fix the problem.
1.F.4. Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth
in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS' WITH NO OTHER
WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO
WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTIBILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE.
1.F.5. Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied
warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages.
If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the
law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be
interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by
the applicable state law. The invalidity or unenforceability of any
provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions.
1.F.6. INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the
trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone
providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance
with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production,
promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works,
harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees,
that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do
or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm
work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any
Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause.
Section 2. Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm
Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of
electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers
including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers. It exists
because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from
people in all walks of life.
Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the
assistance they need, is critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's
goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will
remain freely available for generations to come. In 2001, the Project
Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure
and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations.
To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation
and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4
and the Foundation web page at https://www.pglaf.org.
Section 3. Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive
Foundation
The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit
501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the
state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal
Revenue Service. The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification
number is 64-6221541. Its 501(c)(3) letter is posted at
https://pglaf.org/fundraising. Contributions to the Project Gutenberg
Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent
permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws.
The Foundation's principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S.
Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered
throughout numerous locations. Its business office is located at
809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887, email
[email protected]. Email contact links and up to date contact
information can be found at the Foundation's web site and official
page at https://pglaf.org
For additional contact information:
Dr. Gregory B. Newby
Chief Executive and Director
[email protected]
Section 4. Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg
Literary Archive Foundation
Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide
spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of
increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be
freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest
array of equipment including outdated equipment. Many small donations
($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt
status with the IRS.
The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating
charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United
States. Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a
considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up
with these requirements. We do not solicit donations in locations
where we have not received written confirmation of compliance. To
SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any
particular state visit https://pglaf.org
While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we
have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition
against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who
approach us with offers to donate.
International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make
any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from
outside the United States. U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff.
Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation
methods and addresses. Donations are accepted in a number of other
ways including including checks, online payments and credit card
donations. To donate, please visit: https://pglaf.org/donate
Section 5. General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
works.
Professor Michael S. Hart was the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm
concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared
with anyone. For thirty years, he produced and distributed Project
Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support.
Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed
editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S.
unless a copyright notice is included. Thus, we do not necessarily
keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition.
Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility:
https://www.gutenberg.org
This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm,
including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary
Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to
subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks.
