The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 98,
May 3, 1890., by Various
This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or
re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 98, May 3, 1890.
Author: Various
Editor: Sir F. C. (Francis Cowley) Burnand
Release Date: December 7, 2009 [EBook #30625]
Language: English
*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH-CHARIVARI, MAY 3, 1890 ***
Produced by Neville Allen,Malcolm Farmer and the Online
Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net
PUNCH,
OR, THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
VOLUME 98.
MAY 3, 1890.
* * * * *
MR. PUNCH'S MORAL MUSIC-HALL DRAMAS.
[Illustration]
No. X.--TOMMY AND HIS SISTER JANE.
Once more we draw upon our favourite source of inspiration--the poems of
the Misses TAYLOR. The dramatist is serenely confident that the new
London County Council Censor of Plays, whenever that much-desired
official is appointed, will highly approve of this little piece on
account of the multiplicity of its morals. It is intended to teach,
amongst other useful lessons, that--as the poem on which it is founded
puts it--"Fruit in lanes is seldom good"; also, that it is not always
prudent to take a hint; again, that constructive murder is distinctly
reprehensible, and should never be indulged in by persons who cannot
control their countenances afterwards. Lastly, that suicide may often be
averted by the exercise of a little _savoir vivre._
CHARACTERS.
_Tommy and his Sister Jane (Taylorian Twins, and awful examples)._
_Their Wicked Uncle (plagiarised from a forgotten Nursery Story, and
slightly altered)._
_Old Farmer Copeer (skilled in the use of horse and cattle medicines)._
SCENE--_A shady lane; on the right, a gate, leading to the farm; left,
some bushes, covered with practicable scarlet berries._
_Enter the_ Wicked Uncle, _stealthily_.
_The W. U._ No peace of mind I e'er shall know again
Till I have cooked the geese of TOM and JANE!
But--though a naughty--I'm a nervous nunky,
For downright felonies I feel too funky!
I'd hire assassins--but of late the villains
Have raised their usual fee to fifteen shillin's!
Nor, to reduce their rates, will they engage
(_Sympathetically_) For two poor orphans who are under age!
So (as I'd give no more than half a guinea)
I must myself get rid of TOM and JENNY.
Yet, like an old soft-hearted fool, I falter,
And can't make up my mind to risk a halter.
(_Looking off_). Ha, in the distance, JANE and little TOM I see!
These berries--(_meditatingly_)--why, it only needs diplomacy.
Ho-ho, a most ingenious experiment!
[_Indulges in silent and sinister mirth, as_ JANE
_and_ TOM _trip in, and regard him with
innocent wonder_.
_Jane._ Uncle, what is the joke? why all this
merriment?
_The W. U. (in guilty confusion)._ Not merriment,
my loves--a trifling spasm--
Don't be alarmed--your Uncle often has 'em!
I'm feeling better than I did at first--
You're looking flushed, though not, I hope, with
thirst? [_Insidiously._
SONG, BY THE WICKED UNCLE.
The sun is scorching overhead: the roads are dry and dusty;
And here are berries, ripe and red, refreshing when you're _thusty_!
They're hanging just within your reach, inviting you to clutch them!
But--as your Uncle--I beseech you won't attempt to touch them?
_Tommy and Jane (dutifully)._ We'll do whatever you beseech, and
not attempt to touch them! [_Annoyance of_ W. U.
_The W. U._ Temptation (so I've understood) a child, in order kept, shuns;
And fruit in lanes is seldom good (with several exceptions).
However freely you partake, it can't--as you are young--kill,
But should it cause a stomach-ache--well, don't you blame your Uncle!
_Tommy and Jane._ No, should it cause a stomach-ache, we will not blame our
Uncle!
_The W. U. (aside)._ They'll need no further personal assistance,
But take the bait when I am at a distance.
I could not, were I paid a thousand ducats,
(_With sentiment_) Stand by, and see them kick their little buckets,
Or look on while their sticks this pretty pair cut! [_Stealing off._
_Tommy._ What, Uncle, going?
_The W. U. (with assumed jauntiness)._ Just to get my hair cut! [_Goes._
_Tommy (looking wistfully at the berries)._ I say, they _do_ look nice,
JANE, such a lot too!
_Jane (demurely)._ Well, TOMMY, Uncle never told us _not_ to.
[_Slow music; they gradually approach the berries, which they
pick and eat with increasing relish, culminating in a dance
of delight._
_Duet_--TOMMY _and_ JANE (_with step-dance._)
_Tommy (dancing, with his mouth full)._ These berries ain't so
bad--although they've far too much acidity.
_Jane (ditto)._ To me, their only drawback is a dash of insipidity.
_Tommy (rudely)._ But, all the same, you're wolfing 'em with
wonderful avidity!
_Jane (indignantly)._ No, that I'm not, so _there_ now!
_Tommy (calmly)._ But you _are_!
_Jane._ And so are _you_!
[_They retire up, dancing, and eat more berries--after which
they gaze thoughtfully at each other._
_Jane._ This fruit is most refreshing--but it's curious how it cloys
on you!
_Tommy (with anxiety)._ I wonder why all appetite for dinner it
destroys in you!
_Jane._ Oh, TOMMY, you are half afraid you've ate enough to poison
you?
_Tommy._ No, _that_ I'm not--so there now! &c., &c.
[_They dance as before._
_Tommy._ JANE, _is_ your palate parching up in horrible aridity?
_Jane._ It is, and in my throat's a lump of singular solidity.
_Tommy._ Then that is why you're dancing with such pokerlike rigidity.
[_Refrain as before: they dance with decreasing spirit, and
finally stop, and fan one another with their hats._
_Jane._ I'm better now that on my brow there is a little breeziness.
_Tommy._ My passing qualm is growing calm, and tightness turns to easiness.
_Jane._ You seem to me tormented by a tendency to queasiness?
[_Refrain; they attempt to continue the dance--but
suddenly sit down side by side._
_Jane (with a gasp)._ I don't know what it is--but,
oh, I _do_ feel so peculiar!
_Tommy (with a gulp)._ I've tumults taking place within that I may say
unruly are.
_Jane._ Why, TOMMY, you are turning green--you really and you _truly_ are!
_Tommy._ No, _that_ I'm not, so _there_ now!
_Jane._ But you _are_!
_Tommy._ And so are _you_!
[_Melancholy music; to which_ TOMMY _and_ JANE, _after a few convulsive
movements, gradually become inanimate. Enter old Farmer_ COPEER _from
gate, carrying a large bottle labelled "Cattle Medicine."_
_Farmer C._ It's time I gave the old bay mare
her drench. [_Stumbles over the children._
What's here? A lifeless lad!--and little wench!
Been eatin' berries--where did they get _them_ idees?
For cows, when took so, I've the reg'lar remedies.
I'll try 'em here--and if their state the worse is,
Why, they shall have them balls I give my 'erses!
[_Carries the bodies off just before the W. U. re-enters._
_W. U._ The children--gone? yon bush of berries less full!
Hooray, my little stratagem's successful!
[_Dances a triumphant pas seul. Re-enter Farmer C._
_Farmer C._ Been looking for your little niece and nephew?
_The W. U._ Yes, searching for them everywhere--
_Farmer C. (ironically)._ Oh, _hev'_ you?
Then let me tell you, from all pain they're free, Sir.
_The W. U. (falling on his knees)._ _I_ didn't poison them--it wasn't _me_,
Sir!
_Farmer C._ I thought as much--a constable I'll run for. [_Exit._
_The W. U._ My wretched nerves again! _this_ time I'm done for!
Well, though I'm trapped and useless all disguise is,
My case shall ne'er come on at the Assizes!
[_Rushes desperately to tree and crams himself with the remaining
berries, which produce an almost instantaneous effect.
Re-enter_ TOM _and_ JANE _from gate, looking pale and limp.
Terror of the_ Wicked Uncle _as he turns and recognises them._
_The W. U. (with tremulous politeness)._ The shades of JANE and
TOMMY, I presume? [_Re-enter Farmer C._
_Jane and Tommy (pointing to Farmer C.)_ His Cattle Mixtures snatched us
from the Tomb!
_The W. U. (with a flicker of hope)._ Why, then the selfsame drugs will
ease my torments!
_Farmer C. (chuckling.)_ Too late! they've drunk the lot, the little
vormints!
_The W. U. (bitterly)._ So out of life I must inglorious wriggle,
Pursued by TOMMY'S grin, and JENNY'S giggle!
[_Dies in great agony, while_ TOMMY, JANE, _and_ Farmer COPEER
_look on with mixed emotions as the Curtain falls_.
* * * * *
[Illustration: RECIPROCAL HOSPITALITY.
_First Distinguished Colonist._ "BY THE WAY, HAVE YOU SEEN ANYTHING OF
THAT NICE YOUNG FELLOW, LORD LIMPET, SINCE YOU CAME TO LONDON--THE MAN
WHO STAYED WITH YOU SO MANY MONTHS AT YOUR STATION LAST YEAR?"
_Second Ditto, Ditto._ "OH YES! I MET HIM THE OTHER NIGHT AT LADY
BOVRIL'S RECEPTION, AND HE KINDLY BESTOWED UPON ME THE UNUSED HALF OF A
SMILE WHICH HE HAD PUT TOGETHER FOR A PASSING DUKE!"]
* * * * *
THE NEW DANCE OF DEATH.
"Starving to make a British holiday"--
And plump his pockets with the _gobemouches'_ pay!
A pretty picture, full of fine humanity
And creditable to the public sanity!
"Sensation" is a most despotic master.
First HIGGINS and then SUCCI! Fast and faster
The flood of morbid sentiment rolls on.
Lion-kings die, and the Sword-swallower's gone
The way of all such horrors, slowly slain
By efforts to please curious brutes, for gain.
What next, and next? Stretch some one on the rack
And let him suffer publicly. 'Twill pack
The show with prurient pryers, and draw out
The ready shillings from the rabble rout
Of well-dressed quidnuncs, frivolous and fickle
Who'll pay for aught that their dull sense will tickle.
Look on, crass crowd; your money freely give
To see Sensation's victims die to live;
For Science knows, and says beneath her breath,
That this "Fast Life" (like other sorts) means Death!
* * * * *
RESOLUTIONS FOR THE COSMOPOLITAN LABOUR MEETING.
(_Compiled with due regard to the International Idiosyncrasies._)
_French._--That France contains the World, and Paris France.
_Belgium._--That on the whole, the Slave Trade should be discouraged, as
it cannot be made to yield more than a safe 7 per cent.
_Germany._--That the best way of showing love for the Fatherland is to
live in every other part of the universe.
_Spain._--That it will be for the benefit of mankind to exterminate the
Portuguese.
_Portugal._--That the interests of civilisation will be advanced by the
annihilation of the Spanish.
_Russian._--That dynamite literally raises not only the mansions of the
nobles, but betters the homes of those who have been serfs.
_British._--That the equality of man is proved by the fact that one
Englishman is worth a dozen foreigners.
_American._--That everybody (except citizens of the U.S.A.) pay half a
dollar to the Treasurer right off the reel slick away, and that the sum
so collected be equally divided amongst those present.
* * * * *
MR. PUNCH'S DICTIONARY OF PHRASES.
SOCIAL.
"_Yes; it is a sovereign you owe me--but any time will do_;" _i.e._, "If
he has the least spark of honour he'll pay me now."
"_Never saw you looking better! Magnificent colour!_" _i.e._, "Evidently
ripening for apoplectic fit."
"_Pray bring your friend_;" _i.e._, "Doesn't he know how overcrowded my
rooms are already?"
"_To be perfectly candid_;" _i.e._, "Not sorry to rub it in."
JOURNALISTIC.
"_As yet nothing has transpired_;" _i.e._, The reporter was too late to
obtain any information.
"_Detective Inspector Muggins is actively pursuing his inquiries_;"
_i.e._, Reporter thinks it as well to keep in with MUGGINS, who may be
useful in future.
EPISTOLATORY.
"_In great haste_;" _i.e._, "Must make some excuse for scrappiness."
"_We were all so shocked at hearing of your sad bereavement_;" _i.e._,
"None of us knew her but myself, and _I_ thought her a Cat!"
AT A DANCE.
"_Let me get you a partner, Mr.--'er--'er Smith_;" _i.e._, "He'll do for
dowdy Miss JONES, who has only danced once the whole night."
"_Shall we take a turn round now?_" _i.e._, "She can't waltz any more
than a crane, and parading is better than hopping."
"_Not dancing to-night, Mr. Sprawle? Now, that's very naughty of you,
with so many nice girls here_;" _i.e._, "What an escape for the nice
girls!"
A LITTLE MUSIC.
"_I_ hope _you brought your Music with you, dear_;" _i.e._, "If _only_
she had left it in the cab!"
"_I would with pleasure, but I've such a shocking cold that really,
&c._;" _i.e._, "I want a little more pressing, and then I'll come out
strong, and astonish them, I fancy."
"_Oh do! We have been looking forward to your Banjo-solo all the
evening_;" _i.e._, "With horror!"
CURIOMANIA, ETC.
"_How delightful it must be to have such a hobby!_" _i.e._, "Thank
heavens, I am not so afflicted!"
"_It must have cost you a heap of money_;" _i.e._, "How he's been
'done'!"
"_What a wonderful collection of pictures you have here!_" _i.e._, "Must
say something. Wouldn't give ten pounds for the lot."
RAILROAD AMENITIES.
"_So glad you got into the same carriage. A little of your conversation
so lightens a long journey_;" _i.e._, "He'll talk my head off, and
render a nap impossible."
"_Would you like to look at the papers?_" _i.e._, "May keep her tongue
still for a few minutes."
* * * * *
The Busy "B."
[Mr. BANCROFT has just settled one theatrical difference, and now he
is engaged on a "far more delicate matter"; i.e., a dispute between
a Manager and an Actor.]
How doth the little busy "B"
Employ each leisure hour?
By arbitrating all the day
With great dramatic power.
* * * * *
EXTREMES MEET.--"_The Darkies' Africa_" is an Eastern entertainment at
Weston's Music Hall.
* * * * *
Couldn't Slander and Libel causes be appropriately heard in Sir JAMES
HANNEN'S Admiralty Court, as "Running Down Cases?"
* * * * *
[Illustration: THE CHEAP FARES.
_Passengers._ "WE'RE FULL--THERE'S NO ROOM!"
_Conductor._ "WE MUST MAKE ROOM FOR 'ER. THERE'S ROOM FOR ONE ON THE
NEAR SIDE 'ERE. B'SIDES YOU'RE ALL SHORT PENN'ORTHS, AND SHE'S A
FOURPENN'ORTH--GOES THE WHOLE WAY!"]
* * * * *
"THE PROMISE OF MAY."
(_As the Proletariat paints it._)
"Since it is incredible that the economic balance can be universally
disturbed by local changes, and always in one direction, we must
assume a kind of moral contagion as an efficient agent in the
wide-spread demand for a revision, of wages and hours of labour.
Identical theories and demands, preferred simultaneously in Austria,
Germany, France, England, and America, must be largely due to the
force of example operating through the modern facility of
communication. A universal movement in favour of shorter hours would
seem best fitted to secure the amelioration of the labourer's
lot."--_The Times._
_Enthusiastic Operative to his Bench-Mate, loquitur:--_
We must wake and turn out early, bright and early, comrade dear;
To-morrow'll be the biggest day of all the sad New Year;
Of all the sad New Year, mate, the biggest, brightest day;
For to-morrow's the First of May, chummy, to-morrow's _our_ First of May.
There'll be many a dark, dark eye, chummy, by Thames, and Seine, and
Rhine,
There'll be SALISBURY, and CARNOT, and _Caprivi_ to peak and pine.
For there'll be a stir of the Labourer in every land, they say,
And Toil's to be Queen o' this May, chummy, Toil's to be Queen o' _this_
May.
I do sleep sound at night, chummy, but to-morrow morn I'll wake;
The Cry of the Crowd will sound aloud in my ear ere dawn shall break.
'Twill muster with its booming bands and with its banners gay;
For to-morrow's the Feast of May, brother, to-morrow's our Feast of May.
They've kept us scattered till now, comrade; but that no more may be:
Our shout goes up in unison by Thames, Seine, Rhine and Spree.
We are not the crushed-down crowd, chummy, we were but yesterday.
We're full of the Promise o' May, brother, mad with the Promise of May!
They thought us wandering ghosts, brother. Divided strength is slight;
But what will they say when our myriads assemble in banded might?
They call us craven-hearted, but what matter what they say?
They'll know on the First o' May, brother; they'll learn on the First
o' May.
They say ours is a dying cause, but that can never be:
There's many a heart as bold as TELL'S in the New Democracy.
There's many a million of stalwart lads who toil for poorish pay;
And they'll meet on the First o' May, brother, they'll speak on the
First o' May.
The tramp of a myriad feet shall sound where the young Spring grass is
green,
Yon Emperor young shall hear, brother, and so shall our gracious QUEEN,
For Labour's hosts to all civic centres shall gather from far away;
The Champs de Mars shall greet Hyde Park on this glorious First o' May.
The lime is budding forth, brother, lilac our cot embowers,
And the meadows soon shall be a-scent with the snowy hawthorn flowers;
But a bonnier sight shall be the tramping crowds in fustian grey,
Flushed with the Promise o' May, brother, the new-born Promise o' May.
A wind is with their march, brother, that threatens old claims of Class,
And the grey Spring skies above them seem to brighten as they pass.
Pray heaven there'll be no drop o' rain the whole of the live-long day,
To sadden our First o' May, brother, to sadden our First o' May!
The labourers of Paris, and the toilers of Berlin,
Will throng to shout for shorter hours, homes happier, and more "tin."
Why even the chilly Times, chummy, is almost constrained to say
There is sense in our First o' May, chummy, hope from our First o' May.
The Governments are a-gog, brother, _Figaro_ owns as much;
Property quakes when the countless hands of Labour are in touch.
And from Bermondsey to Budapest they are in touch to-day,
Linked for the Feast of May, brother, linked for the Feast of May!
So we must wake and turn out early, bright and early, comrade, dear;
To-morrow'll be the grandest day of all the green New Year;
To-morrow'll be of all the year the maddest merriest day,
For Toil's to be Queen o' the May, brother. Labour is Queen 'o _this_
May!
* * * * *
MODERN TYPES.
(_By Mr. Punch's Own Type-writer._)
No. X.--THE MARTYR _INCOMPRISE_.
[Illustration]
The Martyr _Incomprise_ is one who, having in her home erected a stake,
ties to it her husband, and then having set alight the faggots which her
own hands have piled round him, calls the world to witness the
saint-like fortitude with which she bears up under the sufferings
inflicted upon her by her lord and master. She will have been married to
a man who, though he does not pretend to be above the ordinary frailties
and failings of human nature, tries honestly, for many years, to make
her happy. Time after time does this domestic Sisyphus roll the stone of
contentment up the hill of his wife's temper, and time after time does
it slip from his hands, and go clattering down into the plain of
despair. The Martyr is a very virtuous lady, yet she is not satisfied
with the calm and acknowledged possession of her virtues. She adds them
to her armoury of aggravation, and uses them with a deadly effect. Her
morality is irreproachable. She studies to make it a reproach to her
husband, and, inasmuch as her temper is equally compounded of the most
persistent obstinacy, and the most perverse and unaccountable caprices,
it is unnecessary to say that she succeeds marvellously in her
undertaking.
As a girl, the Martyr will have been distinguished by a keen sense of
wrong, and a total lack of all sense of humour. Having been rebuked by
her mother for some trifling fault, she will persuade herself that her
parents detest her, and desire her death. She will spend the next few
days with her breast luxuriously against the thorn of her fancied
sufferings. She will weave romances, in order to enjoy the delicious
sensation of looking on as she withers under injustice into a premature
coffin, and of watching her cruel parents as they water the grave of
their victim with unavailing tears. A somewhat lax method of bringing up
will have enabled her to read many trashy novels. Out of these she
constructs an imaginary hero, all gushing tenderness and a tawny
moustache. Having met a young man who fully realises her ideal in the
latter particular, she promptly assumes his possession of the former,
and accepts his proposal of marriage. After having all but thrown him
over on three or four occasions for an insufficient display of romantic
devotion at dances and tennis parties, she eventually marries him. Soon
afterwards she discovers that he is not a chivalrous wind-bag, but a
Man, whereupon she shatters his pedestal, and abandons herself to misery
amidst the ruins.
And now the full joys of her married martyrdom begin. She withdraws even
from the affectation of interest in her partner, his friends and his
pursuits. She spends her mornings in the keeping of a diary, or the
writing of a novel, in which she appoints herself to the post of
heroine, and endows her creation with a superhuman combination of
unappreciated qualities. From the fact that her husband spends a large
part of each day away from her, either in attending to his business or
in following a sport, she infers that he has ceased to love her. When he
returns in the evening, she locks herself into her room, and, having
thus assured to herself solitude, she converts it, by an easy process,
into the studied neglect of an unfeeling husband.
She now gathers round herself a select company of two or three female
friends, whom the easy good-nature of her husband permits to stay in his
house for months at a time. Into their sympathetic ears she pours the
story of her woes, and gradually organises them into a trained band of
disciplined conspirators, who make it their constant object to defend
the wife by thwarting the husband. They have their signs and their
pass-words. If the callous male, for the enjoyment of whose hospitality
they seem to gain an additional zest by affecting to despise and defy
him, should intimate at the dinner-table that he has ventured to make
some arrangement without consulting them, they will raise their
eyebrows, and look pityingly at the wife. She will inform them, in a
tone of convinced melancholy, that she has long suspected that she was
of no importance to any one, but that now she knows it for certain. She
will then tell her husband that, as she is no longer allowed to interest
herself in what he does, she has of course no opinion on the matter in
hand, and that, if she had one, she would never think of offering it
when she knows that all interference on her part is always so bitterly
resented. Her husband's temper having exploded in the orthodox marital
manner, she will smile sweetly upon him, and, the butler and footman
having entered with the fish, will implore him, in a voice intended
rather for the servants than for him, to moderate his anger, lest he
should set a bad example. She will then weep silently into her tumbler,
and her friends, after expressing a muttered indignation at the
heartlessness of men, will support her tottering steps from the room. If
her husband should invite one or two of his friends to dinner on a
subsequent occasion, she will amuse herself and madden him by recounting
to them this incident, in which she will figure as a suffering angel,
whose wings have moulted under the neglect and cruel treatment of an
unangelic spouse. If, while her story is in progress, she should observe
her husband writhing, she will inform him that she is sure he must be
sitting in a draught, and will order the butler to place a screen behind
him. Having thus called attention to his discomfort, and to the care
with which she watches over him, she will take offence when he
countermands the screen; and, after giving the company in general to
understand that she is not allowed to give orders in her own house, she
will, for the rest of the evening, preserve a death-like calm. This will
be followed, on the departure of her guests, by showers of tears and
reproaches, the inevitable prelude to twenty-four hours of salts and
seclusion in the privacy of her bed-room. It is curious to note that,
although the Martyr, at an early period of her married life, developes a
distaste for going into society, which she attributes to the persecution
of her husband; yet she always contrives to spend as much money as those
who live in a whirl of gaiety. Her bills, therefore, mount up, and, in a
moment of unguarded pecuniary prudence, her husband will remonstrate
mildly with her upon her extravagance. She will, thereupon, accuse him
to her friends of meanness, and avow her determination never again to
ask him for money. For a short time she will pay portions of her own
bills, but, finding her pin-money insufficient for the purpose, she will
sell some jewels, and spend the proceeds on a new tea-gown. Her
increasing liabilities will afford her no anxiety, seeing that her sense
of martyrdom increases in proportion, and that in her heart of hearts
she knows that her husband is prepared to pay everything, and will
eventually have to do so.
After some years of this life her husband will have acquired the
reputation of a domestic ruffian. Friends will shake their heads, and
wonder how long his sweet wife will bear up against his treatment. It
will be reported, on the authority of imaginary eye-witnesses, that he
has thrown a soup-plate at her, and that, on more than one occasion, he
has beaten her. He will find himself shunned, and will be driven for
society and pleasure to his bachelor haunts. His wife will now rage with
jealousy over a defection she has done her best to cause. After a time
she will hire the services of a detective, and will file a petition in
the Divorce Court. The case will probably be undefended, and the Court
having listened to her tale of cruelty, the imaginative boldness of
which will startle even the friend who corroborates it in the
witness-box, will decree to her a divorce from the supposed author of
her sufferings. She will then set up for a short time as an object of
universal pity, but, meeting a bluff and burly widower, she will accept
him as her second husband. After having wearied of her constant recital
of her former misery, this husband will begin to neglect and ill-use her
in good earnest. Under the tonic of this genuine shock, her spirits may
revive; and it is as likely as not that she will enjoy many years of
mitigated happiness as the wife of a real tyrant.
* * * * *
MORE NOVELTIES.--Sir,--The Fasting Man seems to have been a great
success. Why shouldn't he be succeeded by The Stuffing Man, The Eating
Boy, and The Talking Man. The last of these would be backed to talk
incessantly on every possible subject for forty days. In the Recess,
what a chance for Mr. GLADSTONE, or, indeed, for any Parliamentary
orator, who, otherwise, would be on the stump! Instead of his going to
the Country, the Country, and London, too, would come to him. Big
business for Aquarium and for Talking Man. Then there would be The
Sneezing Man, The Smoking Man, The Singing Man, The Drinking Man, and so
forth. It's endless. I only ask for a per-centage on gate-money, and I
place the idea at the disposition of the Aquarium.
Yours,
THE OTHER MAN.
* * * * *
YET ANOTHER QUARTERLY.--_Subjects of the Day_--sounds like an Algerian
publication--is a quarterly review of current topics. The motto of this
new quarterly review of Messrs. ROUTLEDGE'S is "_Post Tenebras Lux_"
which, being freely translated, means, "after the heavy reviews this
comes as a little light reading!" Ahem! the subject of No. 1 is
Education, and to study the essays in this volume will keep any reader
well occupied till the appearance of No. 2.
* * * * *
THE LEGEND OF THE BRIAR-ROOT.
(_Suggestion for companion subject to "The Briar Rose," by E.
Burne-Jones, A.R.A., now exhibiting at Messrs. Agnew & Sons' Gallery,
Bond Street._)
[Illustration:
THE BRIAR-WOOD PIPE. EFFECT ON THE SMOKERS.
The fateful odour fumes and goes
About the angle of the Nose.
THE BED-ROOM.
They smoked and smoked a pipe a-piece:
Thus did their drowsiness increase.
SHORT CUT THROUGH THE GARDEN.
The Maidens thought the pipe to fill:
They smoked, and now they all lie still.
THE NOSE BOWER. _LA BELLE PIPE-EN-BOIS DORMANT._
_'Twas five o'clock, the hour of tea;
But, having smoked, they're as you see_.]
* * * * *
TIPS FROM THE TAPE.
(_Picked up in Mr. Punch's Own Special City Corner._)
EVER since it became known that, in conformity with the general interest
in the condition of the Stock and Share Market, now manifested by all
classes of readers, you had determined to start your own special
"Corner," for the purpose of keeping your eye on the matter, and had
appointed me as your "City Commissioner," if I have been flooded with
applications from Stock-jobbers, tendering their advice, I may say I
have been literally overwhelmed by applications from clients and
outsiders, asking me for mine. With five tapes always on the move,
telephonic communication with everywhere, and my telegraphic address of
"Panjimcracks," comfortably installed in a third-floor flat in
commanding premises, within a stone's throw of the Stock Exchange, I
flatter myself that, at least in all the surroundings of my position, I
am, acting under your instructions, well up to the mark.
You would wish naturally to know something of the state of the market,
and would doubtless like to hear from me, if there is any particular
investment that I can recommend as safe for a rise. I have been giving
some attention lately to
PATAGONIAN CROCODILES,
but from news that has reached me from a private and most reliable
source (I hear that the Chairman and Directors, who have gone off with
the balance-sheet have disappeared, and have not been heard of for
months) I should strongly advise, if you hold any of it, to get rid of
it, if you can, as soon as possible. I have a similar tale to tell about
HERNEBAY Z'S.
This Stock has been run up by purchasers for the fall; and, though in
October last it somehow touched 117-3/8, it is now standing at 9-1/4,
and, spite the rumours of increased traffic receipts (due to the fact
that a family drove up to the station last week in a cab), artfully put
into circulation by interested holders, I would certainly get out of it
before the issue of the forthcoming Report, which I hear, on good
authority, not only announces the payment of no dividend on the
Debenture Stock, but makes the unwelcome statement to the shareholders
of the prospective seizure of the whole of the rolling stock under a
debtors' summons, a catastrophe that must land the affairs of the
Company in inevitable bankruptcy. Under these circumstances, I do not
think I can conscientiously advise you to "hold;" still, you might watch
the Market for a day or two; but, at any rate, take my advice, and get
rid of your "Crocodiles."
I subjoin some of my correspondence:--
DEAR SIR,--I am in the somewhat embarrassing position of being
responsible for £5000 under the marriage settlement of a niece,
that, owing to my want of financial knowledge, has, I fear, been
somewhat injudiciously, if not absolutely, illegally invested by my
Co-Trustee. Though the settlement stipulates that only Government
Stocks and Railway Debentures are available, I find that the money
at the present moment is thus disposed of:--
Purchasing Present Last
Security. Price. Price. Div.
£1000 Kangaroo Copper Trust 193 13-1/8 None
2000 Bursters' Patent Coffin Company 157 4 None
1000 Battersea Gold Syndicate 235 7-1/2 None
500 International Balloon Transit 170 Nil. None
500 Bolivian Spasmodics 194 9-1/8 None
You see it is not so much the depreciated value of the Securities, which
certainly read well, but the absence of the Dividend which perplexes me.
What would be your advice? Should I sell, or continue to hold?
A PUZZLED TRUSTEE.
We should certainly hold.
SIR,--Acting on the advice of a friend who is in the Directorate, I
have largely invested in the Automatic Hair-cutting Company. Owing,
however, to the fact that customers, who will not hold their heads
properly, have on several occasions latterly had their ears trimmed,
and a pattern cut on their necks, several actions for heavy damages
have been brought against the concern. These having been successful
in every case, the Company is virtually ruined, and the shares are,
in consequence, almost unsaleable. What should I do with mine?
AN ANXIOUS SPECULATOR.
Hold. The Company has evidently touched bottom. Wait for the rise.
You will see from the above specimens, taken at random from a heap of
others, that I utterly deprecate panic. "Never cut losses" is the
wholesome and cheerful advice I give all my clients. There cannot be a
doubt about it being thoroughly sound; for it stands to reason if no one
were to sell out, no securities would ever fall. So, to nine out of ten
who ask my advice I invariably say, "Hold." Though I have several stocks
in prospective, the movements of which I am watching most attentively, I
have, I confess, hardly got things into proper working order yet, but I
have a grand scheme on foot that will, I fancy, take the wind out of the
sails of many hitherto successful Stockdealers. In my new system
three-and-sixpence will cover £500! Here will be a chance for even the
schoolboy to taste the delights of Monte Carlo. But more of this later.
Suffice it to say, that I have a "Combination Pool" in my eye, that if I
can only carry out with the right sort of stock, ought to make the
fortune of every one concerned.
* * * * *
[Illustration: Charles Wynd'em Up.]
THEATRICAL SHORT SERVICE BILL.--CHARLES THE SECOND (WYNDHAM) is
following in the footsteps of CHARLES THE FIRST (MATHEWS) and beginning
to play several short pieces as one entertainment, instead of giving a
three-act farce or comedy, and one brief and unimportant curtain-raiser.
At least, he is _Trying It On_. How far preferable, in the summer and
autumn season, would be an evening bill of fare consisting of three
_entrées_, each of a different character, and all of first-rate quality.
The patron of the drama could pick and choose, and be satisfied with an
hour, or two hours, or three hours' entertainment. How much better for
the actor's art, too, by way of varying his _rôles_. The stall people
would rather pay the present price of half a guinea for anything,
however short, which it was the fashion to see, than for a long piece
which only bores them. To see short pieces, they might come two or three
times instead of once, and the management could make a reduction on
taking a quantity.
There is a small fortune waiting for this CHARLES, or t'other CHARLES,
'yclept HAWTREY, whichever may take up the idea and work it.
AUDI MAGISTRUM PUNCHIUM.
* * * * *
[Illustration: WINDOW STUDIES.
THE STRUGGLE FOR LIFE. (THREE CAB-RUNNERS AFTER ONE SMALL PORTMANTEAU.)]
* * * * *
STANLEY AFRICANUS!
_Mr. Punch loquitur:--_
"MR. STANLEY, I presume!" Well, the crowd will fuss and fume,
From the mob you'll get, no doubt, a noisy greeting:;
But I'm pleased to take your hand on the threshold of the land;
This is truly a most gratifying meeting!
Nay, no need for you to blush, for I am not going to gush
There are plenty who'll indulge in fuss and flummery.
Heroes like to be admired, but you'll probably be tired
Of tall-talk ere this spring greenery shows summery.
"An illustrious pioneer," says the Belgian King. 'Tis clear
That at any rate you've earned that appellation.
True words tell, though tattlers twist 'em, and a "mighty fluvial system"
You have opened up no doubt to civilisation.
Spreading tracts of territory 'tis your undisputed glory
To have footed for the first time (save by savages),
The result will be that Trade will there supersede the raid
Of the slaver, and the ruthless chieftain's ravages.
That is useful work well done, and it hasn't been all fun,
As you found in that huge awful tract of forest,
And you must have felt some doubt of your chance of winning out
Of all perils when your need was at the sorest.
Mortal sickness now and then, and the pranks of lesser men,
Must have tried your iron health and steely temper.
But, like SCIPIO of old, you 're as patient as you're bold,
And you turn up tough and timely, _idem semper_!
STANLEY AFRICANUS! Yes, that's a fitting name, I guess,
For as stout a soul as PUBLIUS CORNELIUS;
And now, probably, there's no man will not dub you "noblest Roman,"
Though you once had many a foeman contumelious.
Have them still? Oh yes, no doubt; but just now they'll scarce speak out
In a tone to mar the laudatory chorus:
Though when once they've had a look, HENRY mine, in your Big Book,
They with snips, and snaps, and snarls, are sure to bore us.
Well, that will not matter much if you only keep in touch
With all that is humane, and wise, and manly.
Your time has been well spent in that huge Dark Continent,
And all England's word to-day is, "Welcome, STANLEY!"
* * * * *
[Illustration: STANLEY AFRICANUS!
MR. PUNCH (_saluting_). "MR. STANLEY, I PRESUME!"]
* * * * *
OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
In his _By Order of the Czar_ Mr. JOSEPH HATTON exposes the cruelties of
Muscovite rule in the most trenchant yet entertaining fashion. The
headings to the chapters (to say nothing of their contents) are exciting
to a degree, and consequently it is not altogether surprising that the
Russian officials, possibly hearing that the three handsome volumes
might cause a revolution, should have refused them admission to the
Emperor's dominions. Be this as it may, in each of the aforesaid
handsome volumes appears a slip of yellow paper, announcing that "it is
prohibited by the Government of the CZAR from circulation in Russia."
How fortunate--not, of course, for the Russians, poor things, to be
deprived of this treat--but how fortunate that it is not prohibited
_here_! With Mr. JOSEPH HATTON continuously in his thoughts, the BARON
has sung ever since--not only "_In the Gloaming_," be it understood, but
during the following day, and well into the succeeding night--"_Best_
for him (J. H), _and best_ for me (B. DE B. W.)." The novel should have
a large general circulation, in spite of the boycotting to which it has
been locally subjected in St. Petersburg, Moscow, and Siberia.
Miss JEANIE MIDDLEMASS has made a step in the right direction by
publishing _Two False Moves_. Like all her work, the new novel is deeply
interesting. As it is full of "go," it is sure to be continually on the
march in the circulating libraries.
In _Miss Mephistopheles_, Mr. FEARGUS HUME gives us a story much in
advance of _The Mystery of a Hansom Cab_. It is better in construction,
its character sketches are more life-like, and its literary style is
superior--therefore there is every chance of its not being so successful
with the general public.
BARON DE BOOK-WORMS & CO.
* * * * *
COURT NAPPING.
MRS. WOOD can't expect to be always the lucky possessor of a _Dandy
Dick_, nor can Mr. PINERO hope always to be up to that really good
farcical standard. The good PINERO has nodded over this. _The Cabinet
Minister_ is an excellent title thrown away. The Cabinet Minister
himself, Mr. ARTHUR CECIL, in his official costume, playing the flute,
is as burlesque as the General in full uniform, in Mr. GILBERT'S
"_Wedding March_," sitting with his feet in hot-water. The married boy
and girl, with their doll baby and irritatingly unreal quarrels,
reminded me of the boy-and-girl lovers in _Brantingham Hall_. The mother
of _The Macphail_--the wooden Scotch figure (represented by Mr. B.
THOMAS) still to be seen at the door of small tobacconists,--is a
Helen-Macgregorish bore, curiously suggestive of what Mr. RIGHTON might
look like in petticoats. Mrs. JOHN WOOD'S part is a very trying one, and
not what the public expect from her.
[Illustration: Court in the Act; or, Mag-Pi-nero flying to a Wood with a
few leaves from the Gilbertum Topsyturveycum Bookum.]
Though the piece begins fairly well, yet it is dull until Mr. WEEDON
GROSSMITH, as _Joseph Lebanon_, comes on the scene in the Second Act,
when everyone begins to be amused, and ends by being disappointed.
_Joseph_ remains the hero of the situation, and, cad as he is, the
behaviour of the ladies and gentlemen towards him reduces them to his
level, so that, in spite of its being a farce, we begin to pity him as
we pity Mr. GUTHRIE'S _Pariah_, and as those who remember THEODORE
HOOK'S novel have pitied that wretched little cad, _Jack Brag_. The part
is not equal to _Aunt Jack's_ Solicitor, and had Mr. GROSSMITH, by the
kind permission of Mr. PINERO, departed from the conventional Adelphi
and Drury Lane type of comic Hebraic money-lender, he would have done
better. The piece is played with the burlesque earnestness that
characterised the first performances of _Engaged_ at the Haymarket,
which piece the Scotch accent recalls to the playgoer's memory. No one
can possibly feel any interest in the lovers.
As a rule Mr. PINERO'S stage-management is simple and effective: but
here the design is confused and the result is an appearance of restless
uncertainty. Drumdurris Castle seems to be a lunatic asylum, of which
the principal inmates are two elderly female patients, one, like a
twopence-coloured plate of some ancient Scotch heroine, with a craze
about Scotland, and the other mad on saying "Fal-lal," and screaming out
something about "motives." If eight of the characters were cut out,
"they'd none of 'em be missed," and if the play were compressed into one
Act, it would contain the essence of all that was worth retaining, and,
with a few songs and dances, might make an attractive _lever de rideau_
or "laughable farce to finish," before, or after, a revival of _Dandy
Dick_.
AMICUS CANDIDUS.
* * * * *
MR. PUNCH'S PROVERBS UP TO DATE.
An acre of land in Melbourne is better than two miles in the bush.
Not enough at the Aquarium pays better than a feast.
You may start a train punctually from the terminus, but you can't get it
to keep its time _en route_.
You can't make an English purse out of an Irish Land Bill.
A Tea Duty will annoy for ever.
It is the early Tram-man who holds the morning meeting.
Look after the wire-fences for the horses and the hounds will take care
of themselves.
A man may go nine times to Holloway for contempt, and after the tenth
visit come before the Official Receiver and be broke.
A School Board is soon parted from its money.
Give a dog a muzzle and you needn't chain him.
* * * * *
"NOTHING WHEN YOU'RE ROOSE'D TO IT,"--We've heard plenty about _diner à
la Roose_, and the _Here and There and Everywhere and Fare of London
Life_, but now we are to have _Fasting à la Roose_. Vide article in May
number of _New Review_ on Fasting, by Dr. ROBINSON CRUSOE,--beg
pardon,--should have said Dr. ROBSON ROOSE O. Article not variation on
ROOSE O'S Dream, but thoroughly practical.
* * * * *
WEEK BY WEEK.
_Wednesday, April 30._--_Mr. Punch_ rises early and appears everywhere.
Whole holiday. General rejoicings. Grand Banquet in the evening as
usual. Private Reception of Mr. STANLEY, I presume. No one admitted
without orders--on his uniform. Great reception of Mr. H. M. STANLEY by
his Hairdresser.
_Thursday, May 1._--Headaches. Chimney Sweeper's Day. Sootable occasion
for Sweeping Reform Meetings everywhere. N. B.--Edinburgh Exhibition.
Scots wha' hae. Reception of Mr. H. M. STANLEY by the eminent Explorer's
tailor, bootmaker, and hosier.
_Friday, May 2._--Strictly Private View of the Pictures at Burlington
House. Admissions limited to not more than 100,000 patrons of Art. Quiet
day. Everybody preparing speech for the Academy Banquet to-morrow.
Deputation to Mr. H. M. STANLEY from Aquarium, to ask if he will take
SUCCI'S place.
_Saturday._--Great Cooking Match at the Café Royal, Lunch Time, Trial
Steaks. Opening of the front door by Mr. H. M. STANLEY. Snug little
dinner at Burlington House. Sir FREDERICK, P. R. A., in the chair.
Musical entertainment by Mr. WHISTLER. Fireworks by Mr. H-RRY F-RN-SS.
_Sunday.--Dies Non._ No Day!! Curious effect. Gas lighted everywhere.
Private Banquet to Mr. STANLEY, who discovers the sauce of the lobster,
and takes it with his salmon. Rejoicings.
_Monday._--Ceremony of changing sentinels at Buckingham Palace. Every
sentinel very much changed after the operation. Opening of a New Book by
Mr. H. M. STANLEY. Mrs. SNOOKS'S first dance, if she has learnt it in
time for to-night.
_Tuesday._--Preparations for to-morrow. The Platelayers' annual
festival, ROBERT, the Waiter, in the chair. Reception by Mr. H. M.
STANLEY, of a parcel from his tailor's. Usual banquets, dances, races,
excursions, alarums.
_Wednesday._--_Mr. Punch_ comes out stronger than ever. Congratulatory
telegrams from all parts of Europe. Banquet as usual.
* * * * *
THE OPERA-GOER'S DIARY.
[Illustration: The Scandinavian Composer.]
_Tuesday, April 22._--Mr. BENNETT'S Libretto of _Thorgrim_ good from
literary point of view; poor from dramatic ditto. Composer COWEN not
possessing dramatic power sufficient for two, cannot supply the want.
Sestett and Chorus, end of Act II., skilfully worked up, and received
with acclamation. Opera, in a general way, Wagnerish. Orchestration
shows the hand of a master, Master COWEN. Local colour good, but too
much local colour spoils the Opera. Mr. McGUCKIN is _Thorgrim_ to the
life; singing, acting, and make-up admirable. Miss ZÉLIE DE LUSSAN
highly commendable. Miss TREMELLI, mother of _Helgi_ (an ugly name and
scarcely mentionable to ears polite), loud and leading as a
lady-villain. _Helgi_ and _Arnora_ are first cousins (not once removed)
to _Telrammond_ the Tedious and _Ortrude_ the Orful. Mr. CELLI as
_King_, a sort of Scandinavian BEAU BRUMMEL, imparts light comedy touch
to Opera, which, but for this, might have been a trifle dull. COWEN
called, came, congratulated. H. R. H. Prince of WALES, setting the best
example, as he always does, to Opera-goers, came at the beginning and
remained to the end.
_April 23._--_Maritana_ delighted everyone. Miss GEORGINA BURNS
splendid. Mr. JOHN CHILD, as _Cæsar_, good child. Mr. LESLIE CROTTY good
for _José_.
_April 26._--_Lohengrin._ _King_ played by POPE with considerable amount
of temporal power. F. DAVIES good as the _Herald_, but which _Herald_ he
is, whether the "Family" or "New York" not quite clear. Incidental music
by amateurs in the Gallery, who, in lengthy interval between Second and
Third Scenes of Last Act, whistled "_We won't go home till morning!_"
Carl Rosa Opera season soon over, then Drama at Drury Lane, and Italian
Opera at Covent Garden. AUGUSTUS DRURIOLANUS OPERATICUS
COUNTICOUNCILLARIUS (Sheriff _in posse_, Alderman _in futuro_, and Lord
Mayor _in futurissimo_) keeps the ball a rolling at both Houses.
* * * * *
[Illustration: STRICTLY PRIVATE VIEW, ROYAL ACADEMY.]
* * * * *
IN THE KNOW.
(_By Mr. Punch's Own Prophet._)
The Duke of DUMPSHIRE seems to have been much annoyed by my statement
that he killed two trainers with his own hand, for being caught watching
a trial of his Derby horses, and that the Jockey Club took no action. I
beg to inform his Grace and those who approve his methods, that I care
no more for their annoyance than I do for the muddy-minded lucubrations
of Mr. JEREMY and his servile tribe of moon-calves. I have public duties
to perform, and if, in the course of my comments on racing, I should
find myself occasionally compelled to run counter to the imbecile
prejudices of some of the aristocratic patrons of the turf, I can assure
my readers that I shall not flinch from the task. I therefore repeat
that, in the middle of last month, the Duke of DUMPSHIRE killed two
trainers, and that up to the present time the Jockey Club have not
enforced against him the five-pound penalty which is specially provided
by their rules for offences of this sort. When Mr. JACOBS, who has no
aristocratic connections, ventured to lynch a rascally tout on Newmarket
Heath last year, he was made to pay up at once. The contrast is
suggestive.
A lot of jannering nonsense has been talked about _Bazaar_ by the
Will-o'-the-Wisps who mislead the long-suffering public in turf matters.
_Bazaar_ is by _Rector_ out of _Church Mouse_, and in his pedigree are
to be found such well-known roarers as _Boanerges_ and _Hallelujah
Sal_--not much of a recommendation to anybody except Mr. JEREMY. His own
performances are worse than contemptible. As a two-year old, he was
placed second at eight stone to _Candlestick_ in the Warmington Open
Welter Handicap. After that he sprang a curb in the middle of his back,
and the fools who train him actually brought him out to run in the
All-aged Selling Plate at Ballymacwhacket. He won the race easily enough
of course, but only an impostor, whose head was stuffed with horsehair,
would attach the least importance to that. Since then he has eaten two
pairs of spurs, a halter, and half of a jockey, which scarcely looks
like winning races. I have now relieved my conscience on the matter, so
if the puddle-brains wish to back him, their loss must lie at their own
doors.
The Marquis de MILLEPARDON has bought _Chowbock_ for £2000. At the last
Epsom Meeting _Chowbock_ showed himself a fine pace-maker in an East
wind, having cantered in from _Sister Mary_, who as good as walked round
_Vilikins_ when the latter was being tried without his pastern-pad on
the Cotswold Hills. At the same time it must be remembered, that _Sister
Mary_ only got home by a length from _Smockfrock_, after having been
double-girthed and provided with a bucket of POCOCK'S antiseptic,
anti-crib-biting condition balls for internal application over the
Newmarket T. Y. C.
Next week, I may have something to say about Derby prospects. For the
present, I can only advise would-be investors to steer clear of Mr.
JEREMY and his quacking, goose-headed parasites.
* * * * *
CHANGE OF NAME.--M. SUCCI, having succeeded in existing for forty days
on water alone, will henceforth be known as Water-SUCCI.
* * * * *
[Illustration: FELICITOUS QUOTATIONS.
"IS THIS A DAGGER THAT I SEE BEFORE ME?"]
* * * * *
HOW I WELCOMED STANLEY.
(_Notes of a Very Important Journey._)
Left Victoria by special train. On my road met my dear old friend BROWN.
We were boys together. Nothing I would not do for him. BROWN says the
dearest object of his life is to welcome STANLEY. Can't I take him with
me? (This on learning the nature of _my_ expedition.) He is off to
Canada to-morrow--early. More sorry than I can say--impossible. Only
invitation for "one." One, myself. He sighs and we part--it may be for
years, it may be for ever. Sorrowful, but cheered up by party in special
train. Everybody in great spirits going to welcome STANLEY. Dearest
object of everybody's life. To pass the time tell one another stories of
adventure. Man who was in the Franco-German War explains how he would
have defended Metz if he had been BAZAINE. Man who went through the
Soudan (perhaps a trifle jealous), says if he _had_ been BAZAINE he
wouldn't have defended Metz at all, because BAZAINE was a traitor. Row
imminent, so cut in with my adventure in a life-boat. Graphic account.
Ship springing a-leak; men at the pumps; boats given up to the women and
children. The good ship--well, never mind the name of ship; have
forgotten it--lurches, gives one long roll, and sinks! Remaining
passengers, headed by myself, swarm up the rigging to the mizzen-top.
High sea, thunder and lightning. Great privations. Sun sinks in red,
moon rises in green. All hope gone, when--hurrah, a sail! It is the
life-boat! Slung on board by ropes. Rockets and coloured lights let off.
The coxswain calls upon the crew to "pull blue," or "pull white."
Startling adventures. On the rocks! Off them! Saved! Everybody pleased
with my story. Keep to myself the fact that I have only once in my life
been on board a life-boat--when it was practising off Lynton. No more
stories after mine. Company (disheartened) break up into groups. Pleased
with the scenery. After all, there is no place like Dover--when you stop
there. Glad I am not going to welcome STANLEY on the other side of the
Channel. London, Chatham and Dover Railway arrangements capital,
especially when you are travelling _en prince_.
Ah, here we are at Dover! Meet JONES--of course, he is going to welcome
STANLEY. So are SNOOKS and SMITH. And, as I live, old TOMPKINS! Well,
this is very plucky of old TOMPKINS. Thought he was dead years ago. Says
he would not miss STANLEY for worlds. More would I. Great privilege to
welcome him. Feel it most deeply. The greatest explorer of the age. But
sea-air has made me a trifle hungry and thirsty. I daresay lunch is
going on somewhere. Find it isn't! Deputation of Vergers, seemingly from
Canterbury Cathedral, headed by a beadle, carrying an ear-trumpet,
forcing their way through crowd. Police arrangements the reverse of
satisfactory. Distinguished proprietor of influential newspaper
hustled--possibly mistaken for EMIN PASHA, who would be _de trop_ on
such an occasion. But must have lunch. Not up to form of Signor SUCCI.
So avoid the brilliant but giddy throng, and find out a favourite little
restaurant close to the Lord Warden. French _plats_ and some excellent
_Grave_. Know the _Grave_ of old--seldom asked for, and so kept long in
bottle. Order a nice little luncheon and feel rather sleepy. Luncheon
ready. Do it justice, and fancy suddenly that I am in charge of the lamp
in a lighthouse. Rough night. Ah! the life-boat! manned by old TOMPKINS
(adventurous chap old TOMPKINS) SNOOKS, JONES, SMITH and BROWN. Thought
latter had gone to Canada! Open eyes with a start. Waiter and bill.
Bless me, how late it is. Must be off at once to welcome STANLEY. Meet
old TOMPKINS, SNOOKS, JONES and SMITH instead. They tell me that they
have all welcomed STANLEY. Found him being "run into" the train by two
policemen! Thought him looking very well. Didn't I? Ask, where is he
now? Don't I know? Why gone back by the special! Thought I must have
missed it on purpose. Hurry away in bad temper. May catch him up. Pop
into fast train just starting. Scenery bad. Weather horrid. Fellow
travellers unsupportable. Ah, here we are at last at Victoria. One
satisfaction--BROWN didn't welcome him either. Why here _is_ BROWN on
the platform--do him a last good turn--describe STANLEY. I tell him that
the great explorer looks younger than ever, wears big cap, white suit,
revolver and field-glasses. Every inch a portrait in the _Daily
Graphic_! BROWN says, "That's strange, as he didn't look like _that_
when _he_ saw him!" Appears BROWN put off trip to Canada to welcome him.
Can't be helped! Shall meet STANLEY somewhere (movements advertised
daily in the _Times_) and when I _do_ won't I give him a bit of my mind,
for not waiting long enough to let me welcome him!
* * * * *
ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.
_House of Commons, Monday, April 21._--House really beginning to fill
up. HARTINGTON back from the Riviera. First time he has appeared this
Session; lounged in with pretty air of having been there yesterday and
just looked in again. Blushed with surprise to find Members on both
sides welcoming him with cheer.
"We all like HARTINGTON," said SAGE OF QUEEN ANNE'S GATE. "Of course we
liked him better when he agreed with our opinions; but we can't all keep
straight, and he's gone wrong. Still, we bear him no malice. Sorry he
was ill; glad he's better. Must encourage this benevolent attitude
towards him, since it enables us, with fuller vigour to denounce
CHAMBERLAIN. You see, when we howl at CHAMBERLAIN, they can't say we are
simply moved by personal spite, because here we are cheering HARTINGTON
as he returns to the fray."
JOHN DILLON back too; bronzed with Australian suns; ruddy with the
breezes of lusty Colorado. Everyone glad to see JOHN back; first because
everyone likes him; next for reasons akin to those which the SAGE
frankly acknowledges when cheering HARTINGTON. Even in the evil days
when JOHN DILLON used to fold his arms and flash dark glances of
defiance on Speaker BRAND, House didn't include him in same angry,
uncompromising, denunciation as hurtled round head of WILLIAM O'BRIEN,
TIM HEALY, and dear old JOSEPH GILLIS. JOHN DILLON sometimes suspended;
occasionally sent to prison; but the honesty of his motives, the purity
of his patriotism, always acknowledged. Mistaken, led astray (that is to
say differed from us on matters of opinion), but meant well.
[Illustration: The Sage.]
"Yes, TOBY," said the SAGE, lighting another cigarette; "always well
when you're going it hot for a Party to have some individual in it whom
you can omit from general implication of infamous motives. Gives one
high moral standpoint, doncha know. Thus, when I want to suggest that
THE MARKISS is a mere tool in hands of BISMARCK, I extol honest purposes
of OLD MORALITY; hint, you know, that he is not so sharp of perception
as he might be; but that gives him the fuller claim upon our sympathy,
seeing that he is yoked with a colleague of the natural depravity, and
capable of the infinite iniquity, which marks the MARKISS'S relations
with public affairs. The great thing, dear TOBY, in public controversy
is to assume an attitude of impartiality. When you have to suggest that
a political adversary was privy to the putting-away of his grandmother,
do it rather in sorrow than in anger, and if you can find or make an
opportunity of saying at the same time a kind word for one of his
colleagues, seize it. That's why we cheer HARTINGTON to-night, and why
the Tories sometimes admit that JOHN DILLON'S an honest man."
_Business done._--_Parnell_ moved rejection of Land Purchase Bill.
_Tuesday._--COURTNEY on in his famous quick-change scene. One minute he
is discovered in recesses of canopied chair as Speaker; the next is
seated at table as Chairman of Committees. SPEAKER, everyone sorry to
learn, is ill in bed. So COURTNEY doubles his part. Proceeding watched
with profound interest from Strangers' Gallery. At ten minutes and ten
seconds to Seven House in Committee of Supply. COURTNEY in Chair at
table; Mace off the table; TANNER on his legs. As hand of clock falters
over the numeral ten, COURTNEY gets up, says never a word, wheels to
right out of Chair and marches to rear. TANNER stops midway in sentence
and resumes seat. Sergeant-at-Arms bowing thrice advances, lifts Mace on
to table, and retires. Stranger in Gallery wondering what has become of
COURTNEY, appalled by discovering him in SPEAKER'S Chair, quite a new
man. On these occasions marks his swiftly varying condition by altered
tone of voice. As Chairman of Committees, assumes piping treble voice,
as Deputy-Chairman drops occasional observations in profound bass.
[Illustration: Sergeant-at-Arms (and Legs).]
"Only thing left to me, dear TOBY," he said, when I congratulated him on
his treble. "Haven't time to change dress, even if it were permissible;
must do something to mark wide gulf fixed between Chairman of Committee
and SPEAKER; so hit upon this scheme. Glad you like the treble; a little
out of my line, but practice makes perfect."
At Evening Sitting question of Labour and Capital brought on by BARTLEY.
CUNNINGHAME-GRAHAM let House see what a terrible fellow he is. Doesn't
look the part; but after speech to-night no question of his innate
ferocity. _Sim Tappertit_ not in it for such blood-curdling remarks. "I
have," he said just now, "often interfered between Capital and Labour;
but, thank Heaven! I have never interfered in the character of a
conciliator."
"Ha, ha!" he cried, a little later, _à propos_ of nothing. "You talk of
inciting to violence. I have never incited to violence, and wherefore?
Because, in present state of affairs, with society a vast organised
conspiracy, violence would recoil on the heads of the Working Classes.
But, Sir, the time will come when things will be otherwise, and the very
moment that power is in the hands of the Working Classes I shall incite
them to violence."
After this House took early opportunity of adjourning. Pretty to see
Members stealing across Palace Yard in the dark, looking furtively right
and left, not sure that moment was not come, and SIMON CUNNINGHAME
TAPPERTIT GRAHAM was not hounding on his "United Bulldogs" against the
Classes. "We must look out, BROADHURST," said JAMES ROWLANDS, nervously
rubbing his hand. "It's all very well of your retiring to Cromer. I
think I shall practise with a revolver; shall certainly carry a
sword-stick."
_Business done._--Budget Resolutions through Committee.
_Thursday Night._--HOME SECRETARY came down to-day in unusually good
spirits. Nothing happened of late to give enemy occasion to blaspheme.
Crewe affair seems quite forgotten; nobody going to be hanged when he
ought to be reprieved, or reprieved when he ought to be hanged. Seems
almost as if, after all, life for HOME SECRETARY would be worth living.
Whatever embarrassments ahead belong to other Departments of Ministry.
Land Purchase troubles, not the HOME SECRETARY, nor Bi-Metallism either.
RAIKES been doing something at the Post Office. GOSCHEN been tampering
with tea, and sinning in the matter of currants. Something wrong with
the Newfoundland Fisheries, but that FERGUSSON'S look-out. True, ELCHO
wanting to know about some prisoners taken from Ipswich to Bury in
chains. Sounds bad sort of thing; sure to be letters in newspapers about
it. But HOME SECRETARY able to lay hand on heart and swear the chains
were light. ELCHO blustered a bit. Irish Members, naturally interested
in arrangements for going to prison, threateningly cheered; but after
what MATTHEWS had suffered in other times this affair lighter than the
chains themselves.
Incident had passed; questions on paper disposed of; soon be debating
Land Purchase Bill; all would be well for at least another day. Suddenly
up gets HARCOURT; wants to know who is responsible for the design of new
police buildings on Thames Embankment? Flush of pride mantles brow of
MATTHEWS. This red-hot building--its gables, its roofs, its windows, its
doorways, and its twisted knockers--was designed under his direction. It
is his dower to London, set forth on one of its most spacious sites.
What does HARCOURT want to know about it? Why is PLUNKET so studious in
repudiating all responsibility for the thing? Wherefore does crowded
House cheer and laugh when HARCOURT gives notice to call attention to
building on Home Office Vote? Can it be possible that here is another
mistake? Ought he to have hanged the architect instead of encouraging
him? Always doing things for the best, and they turn out the very worst.
Been occasionally misunderstood; but did, at least, think that London
would be grateful for this emanation from the heated architectural mind.
"Looks so like a carbuncle suddenly developed on Embankment, with the
stately Thames swirling below, that I really thought they would like
it," said HOME SECRETARY, mopping his furrowed brow. "But there are some
people, TOBY, who are never pleased, and prominent among them are the
people of London."
_Business done._--Debate on Land Purchase Bill.
_Friday._--Things rather in a muddle to-day all round. At Morning
Sitting didn't get Supply which everybody expected would be order of
day; didn't proceed with Allotments Bill, which was first on Orders. At
night, PROVAND on first with Dried Currants; MCLAREN to follow with
Woman's Suffrage, neither turned up, and at half-past eleven by dint of
Closure, got into Committee of Supply. GEORGE CAMPBELL cruising up and
down in New Guinea steamer; finally docked. Then ARTHUR WILLIAMS moved
to report progress; more discussion; OLD MORALITY pounced; Division on
Closure; COURTNEY named SHEEHY as one of tellers; SHEEHY in Limerick;
House couldn't wait for him to return; so WADDY brought out of Lobby to
tell with TANNER. When Closure carried, it was ten minutes past one.
House bound to rise at one o'clock; Chairman equally bound to put the
question, which was to report progress. Motion for progress negatived,
which meant that the House would go on with business; but it being a
quarter past one Deputy-Speaker must needs leave Chair, and so sitting
collapsed.
"Dear me!" said BOLTON, "this is hard to understand. Must go off to the
Garrick and think it over."
_Business done._--None.
[Illustration] NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions,
whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description,
will in no case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and
Addressed Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no
exception.
End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol.
98, May 3, 1890., by Various
*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH-CHARIVARI, MAY 3, 1890 ***
***** This file should be named 30625-8.txt or 30625-8.zip *****
This and all associated files of various formats will be found in:
https://www.gutenberg.org/3/0/6/2/30625/
Produced by Neville Allen,Malcolm Farmer and the Online
Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net
Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions
will be renamed.
Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no
one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation
(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without
permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules,
set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to
copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to
protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark. Project
Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you
charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission. If you
do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the
rules is very easy. You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose
such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and
research. They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do
practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks. Redistribution is
subject to the trademark license, especially commercial
redistribution.
*** START: FULL LICENSE ***
THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE
PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK
To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free
distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work
(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project
Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project
Gutenberg-tm License (available with this file or online at
https://gutenberg.org/license).
Section 1. General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm
electronic works
1.A. By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm
electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to
and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property
(trademark/copyright) agreement. If you do not agree to abide by all
the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy
all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession.
If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project
Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the
terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or
entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8.
1.B. "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark. It may only be
used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who
agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement. There are a few
things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works
even without complying with the full terms of this agreement. See
paragraph 1.C below. There are a lot of things you can do with Project
Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement
and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
works. See paragraph 1.E below.
1.C. The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the Foundation"
or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project
Gutenberg-tm electronic works. Nearly all the individual works in the
collection are in the public domain in the United States. If an
individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are
located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from
copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative
works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg
are removed. Of course, we hope that you will support the Project
Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by
freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of
this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with
the work. You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by
keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project
Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others.
1.D. The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern
what you can do with this work. Copyright laws in most countries are in
a constant state of change. If you are outside the United States, check
the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement
before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or
creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project
Gutenberg-tm work. The Foundation makes no representations concerning
the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United
States.
1.E. Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg:
1.E.1. The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate
access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently
whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the
phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the phrase "Project
Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed,
copied or distributed:
This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or
re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
1.E.2. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived
from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is
posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied
and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees
or charges. If you are redistributing or providing access to a work
with the phrase "Project Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the
work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1
through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the
Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or
1.E.9.
1.E.3. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted
with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution
must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional
terms imposed by the copyright holder. Additional terms will be linked
to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the
permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work.
1.E.4. Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm
License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this
work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm.
1.E.5. Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this
electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without
prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with
active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project
Gutenberg-tm License.
1.E.6. You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary,
compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any
word processing or hypertext form. However, if you provide access to or
distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than
"Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official version
posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org),
you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a
copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon
request, of the work in its original "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other
form. Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm
License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1.
1.E.7. Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying,
performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works
unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9.
1.E.8. You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing
access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided
that
- You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from
the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method
you already use to calculate your applicable taxes. The fee is
owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he
has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the
Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation. Royalty payments
must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you
prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax
returns. Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and
sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the
address specified in Section 4, "Information about donations to
the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation."
- You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies
you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he
does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm
License. You must require such a user to return or
destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium
and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of
Project Gutenberg-tm works.
- You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any
money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the
electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days
of receipt of the work.
- You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free
distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works.
1.E.9. If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm
electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set
forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from
both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael
Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark. Contact the
Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below.
1.F.
1.F.1. Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable
effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread
public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm
collection. Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain
"Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or
corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual
property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a
computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by
your equipment.
1.F.2. LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right
of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project
Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project
Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project
Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all
liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal
fees. YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT
LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE
PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH F3. YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE
TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE
LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR
INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH
DAMAGE.
1.F.3. LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a
defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can
receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a
written explanation to the person you received the work from. If you
received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with
your written explanation. The person or entity that provided you with
the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a
refund. If you received the work electronically, the person or entity
providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to
receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund. If the second copy
is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further
opportunities to fix the problem.
1.F.4. Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth
in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS' WITH NO OTHER
WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO
WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTIBILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE.
1.F.5. Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied
warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages.
If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the
law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be
interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by
the applicable state law. The invalidity or unenforceability of any
provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions.
1.F.6. INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the
trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone
providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance
with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production,
promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works,
harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees,
that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do
or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm
work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any
Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause.
Section 2. Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm
Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of
electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers
including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers. It exists
because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from
people in all walks of life.
Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the
assistance they need are critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's
goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will
remain freely available for generations to come. In 2001, the Project
Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure
and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations.
To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation
and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4
and the Foundation web page at https://www.pglaf.org.
Section 3. Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive
Foundation
The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit
501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the
state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal
Revenue Service. The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification
number is 64-6221541. Its 501(c)(3) letter is posted at
https://pglaf.org/fundraising. Contributions to the Project Gutenberg
Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent
permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws.
The Foundation's principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S.
Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered
throughout numerous locations. Its business office is located at
809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887, email
[email protected]. Email contact links and up to date contact
information can be found at the Foundation's web site and official
page at https://pglaf.org
For additional contact information:
Dr. Gregory B. Newby
Chief Executive and Director
[email protected]
Section 4. Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg
Literary Archive Foundation
Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide
spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of
increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be
freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest
array of equipment including outdated equipment. Many small donations
($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt
status with the IRS.
The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating
charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United
States. Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a
considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up
with these requirements. We do not solicit donations in locations
where we have not received written confirmation of compliance. To
SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any
particular state visit https://pglaf.org
While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we
have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition
against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who
approach us with offers to donate.
International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make
any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from
outside the United States. U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff.
Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation
methods and addresses. Donations are accepted in a number of other
ways including including checks, online payments and credit card
donations. To donate, please visit: https://pglaf.org/donate
Section 5. General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
works.
Professor Michael S. Hart was the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm
concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared
with anyone. For thirty years, he produced and distributed Project
Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support.
Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed
editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S.
unless a copyright notice is included. Thus, we do not necessarily
keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition.
Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility:
https://www.gutenberg.org
This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm,
including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary
Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to
subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks.
