The Project Gutenberg EBook of All (Frightfully Unofficial) about an Old Friend of mine., by T. C. Gash This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org Title: All (Frightfully Unofficial) about an Old Friend of mine. What he most probably was. What he most certainly will be and who has done this? Why The Cat. Author: T. C. Gash Release Date: November 18, 2011 [EBook #38050] Language: English *** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK ALL (FRIGHTFULLY UNOFFICIAL) *** Produced by Chris Curnow, Anna Whitehead, Diane Monico, and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net ALL (Frightfully Unofficial) about an OLD FRIEND of mine What he most probably was What he most certainly will be AND WHO HAS DONE THIS? WHY THE CAT. Dedicated to the Notice OF ALL The Firms of this Great City whether BANKERS BROKERS OR OTHERS WHO In their Rise to Wealth and Affluence have NOT yet Recognised the "Generous Policy" That their Success is always partly Due to the Honesty and Energy of their SERVANTS, AND WHO After taking to Themselves all the _HONEY_ in the _HIVE_ Leave to the WORKERS NOTHING but the Lees. "A good Master maketh a good Servant" MARTIN TUPPER. [Illustration: ALL (Frightfully Unofficial) about an OLD FRIEND of mine What he most probably was What he most certainly will be AND WHO HAS DONE THIS? WHY THE CAT.] [Illustration: What he most probably was, before he became] [Illustration: A General-Private-Joint-Continental-Universal-Everlasting Respectable-Responsible BANKERS CLERK. During his 1st year of Service (Fancies he's got a "good thing")] [Illustration: At 10 years Service, he has his doubts.] [Illustration: This is the BC of 20 years Service--he--_hasn't any doubts now_. Bless you! He knows _all about it, and_ he's going home! To his--_Dinner_!!!] [Illustration: HERE IT IS! AND ought'nt he to be _thankful_] [Illustration: AT 40, 50, or 150 years Service, _he wonders_ (_ha! ha!_) Why his old heart may not be eased _BY A PENSION_ that _he and his_ can live upon, together with a _handsome present_ of _the remnant of his life_] [Illustration: But he is informed that if he will send in his _resignation_ _first_, It will be seen what can be done for him _Afterwards_ "_Is he quite worn out.?_ not another _6 months_? dear me! _quite sure?_ Ah!"] [Illustration: This generous proposal does'nt satisfy our greedy old friend, so he comes up to the scratch as usual And he works all day, and he dreams all night] [Illustration: Once he dreamt (silly Old boy) he dreamt] [Illustration: He had an _IDEA_!!! (of course it was only a dream.)] [Illustration: (His Dream) Why not appeal to his Masters the DIRECTORS they can but say No. they are Gentlemen, and _they won't eat him_] [Illustration: (His Dream) And of cours.--HOORAY!!!! The DIRECTORS declare that their _trusted servant_ SHOULD NOT be an _exception_ to the _Universal Rule_, but that he had risen in value like everything else AND they further declare, they will not permit, _the man whose labour increases with their success_, to be _left behind_ by the butcher, the Baker, or the Candlestick Maker.--_NO_ not to put dividends into their own pockets, _OR ANY OTHER MANS_] [Illustration: (still his dream.) And Georgiana-Amelia looks more like the girl he took away from the old Rectory 20 years ago than he ever hoped to see again Why she's getting FAT!, Sir FAT!] [Illustration: (but dreams) And so is Tommy' Sir.] [Illustration: (very happy dreams) And Georgiana Amelia, Junior.] [Illustration: (Are very very seldom) And so Goodbye, Sir Goodbye. No, we _do not_ live at Poplar now--Why, yes, quite a change. Just so Good bye to you, Sir _Hem_--_WE ARE GOING TO CHURCH._] [Illustration: (REALIZED) OH! _Are you_.--_You're going to the City_, Old Boy. WHAT!!! _Give you more pay_--Pooh. Think of the Honorable _Confidence_ your Masters _cannot help giving you_--Think of that--Very Valuable, Eh. _Ah! I should think so_, and you had better wake up those Shakey old legs of yours, or you'll be _Under the Line_] [Illustration: And one Morning _he is_ _Under the Line_] [Illustration: And _THIS is the result of his lifes labour_] [Illustration: EXTRAORDINARY COINCIDENCE SOME BODY ELSE HAS BEEN DREAMING OR OUR MUTUAL FRIEND BEING The FINAL SCRATCHES of THE CAT WHO After this will vanish And like the baseless fabrick of a dream Leave not a wrack behind] [Illustration: Having attended a Committee of the most exciting and exhaustive nature "Somebody" indulges in the traditional "40 Winks".] [Illustration: But the Committee hasn't done with him yet--the "Winks" are disturbed, and the Phantom of a defunct argument, that _He_ settled long ago, sits itself rudely on the table, in a Makeshifty sort of way and insists upon having another "go in".] [Illustration: And so he thinks, _He_ thinks! his income is too small; Why _it's Princely_, said the "Shadowy party" whose own "pull" was about £20,000 a year, He ought to make it do somehow, and if he don't like it you can manage without him. Now look here, let me show you an Article.] [Illustration: _There!!!_ Now I call this cheap.--_There he is_, Salary £40. _and_ white choker _not_ objected to. (for the matter of that he'll wear plush or--anything)----Come he's goodlooking. He'll work for you, respect you, as much as he does himself, be a credit to you, _and_ finally, he's been in the Pawnbroking line, _says_ _he lives on Oatmeal Porridge--and comes from the North_ (ED NOTE "Puss" who comes fra' the North hersel, is disgusted with the "Cad", _and does'nt believe him_.] [Illustration: His harmless Pursuits----] [Illustration: And his simple Tastes,----] [Illustration: Will render him at once the _ornament_ and "Prop" of your Establisment.--] [Illustration: _And_ if in the ingenuous enthusiasm of his _Generous_ Nature, _he should_ by chance "run short"; He's _not the man_ to pester you with Petitions. _He_ has a soul above _asking for Money_.] [Illustration: Just so--,] [Illustration: Ha! Ha! laughed "Somebody", to "the" great danger of the "Winks"; _Of course_, and we shouldn't dream of taking such a scamp. _We_, Hem, have _always_ drawn _Our_ staff from a _very_ different class, and _why_ shouldn't we always do so, _We_ are quite satisfied with them, and our Business, and our Profits are Increasing yearly.----Upon my word said "Somebody" _everything_ connected with "Our House" gives me unlimited satisfaction.] [Illustration: And you are going to make the satisfaction just a _leetle Mutual_; Sir, indeed we ought to thank you very much; Said a new and most impertinent Essence, who appeared, somewhat prematurely, to have made up his mind, and so settled the question out of hand.] [Illustration: What do you mean, Sir. We don't require _your_ interference said "Somebody" (who couldn't encourage that sort of thing). I see they forgot the Doctor, and no doubt your _Wife will go_ to church. Yes, that sort of thing does cost _something_, and you couldn't very well stop her, no, no. And I see you _never_ spend _any money_ for Conveyance, and you never have _any_ recreation, or change of air; nothing to help through the dismal monotony of your 12 days holiday in _November_ or _February_ and you can't even afford "8 hours at the Sea Side" for the Wife and little ones. In fact you've no money. _no comfort! no Pipe! no Glass! no music! no Paper! no nothing._ Well!!! said "Somebody" you're an _Extraordinary Man_--_but I don't believe you_--Now I can _understand this_. _You cannot afford_ _any_ of these things, _that_ is clear. But Human Nature is frail, and Alas! B.C.s _are but_ Human. Come, Sir confess at least _to some of these iniquities_, and then--_What is the consequence?_] [Illustration: Why 50 per cent of you get into debt, and you know it Said "Somebody" do you think you can decieve me? Why its clear that if you will _really_ make out a list of The Butcher, The Baker, The Water rate, The _Poor Rate_!! and the Income Tax (every penny--poor devil) and _all the other luxuries in which you indulge_. Why both ends _can't_ meet] [Illustration: Somebody Somebody, Esquire Of course they wont. I've said so before. Give you my Vote and Interest? Do we wish to conduct our Business on the "Old Clo" principle, like a Firm of Jew Slopmakers? said "Somebody", getting Indignant, and dangerously red about the Face--NO! very well. Give you my Vote and Interest? _I always have._ Give them again?----(you know young man, this is all very unofficial--well then) Yes.--_I Will_] [Illustration: And "Somebody" said "I will" so loudly that he woke himself up.] [Illustration: And "Somebody" _who was "Somebody"_ (may his shadow never be less) _did_ give his Vote and Interest. _And the result_, some of it is in my Pocket (_long may it stop there_) the Result is, that _Our House_ is up to _any Amount of Work_ and will undertake _to beat the Cheap Jacks into Fits_ Let us hope the example of "our little Shop" will be catching Now then ALLTOGETHER AND SO SAY ALL OF US AND SO SAY ALL OF US FOR HE IS A JOLLY GOOD SOMEBODY COMING See him do it! Puss in taking leave of his Friends _Congratulates_ them on the _Fact_ that _they know who is_ OUR "MUTUAL FRIEND" (and it isn't everyone can say that). In conclusion it is to be hoped that "Nobody" will be the only person so _unfeline_ as to dream of "PUTTING A STOPPER ON THE CAT'S MEAT"] * * * * * Transcriber's Notes Retained the spelling and punctuation anomalies of the original. End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of All (Frightfully Unofficial) about an Old Friend of mine., by T. C. Gash *** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK ALL (FRIGHTFULLY UNOFFICIAL) *** ***** This file should be named 38050-8.txt or 38050-8.zip ***** This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: http://www.gutenberg.org/3/8/0/5/38050/ Produced by Chris Curnow, Anna Whitehead, Diane Monico, and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions will be renamed. Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation (and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark. Project Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission. If you do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the rules is very easy. You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and research. They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks. Redistribution is subject to the trademark license, especially commercial redistribution. *** START: FULL LICENSE *** THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work (or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project Gutenberg-tm License (available with this file or online at http://gutenberg.org/license). Section 1. General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works 1.A. By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property (trademark/copyright) agreement. If you do not agree to abide by all the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession. If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8. 1.B. "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark. It may only be used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement. There are a few things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works even without complying with the full terms of this agreement. See paragraph 1.C below. There are a lot of things you can do with Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works. See paragraph 1.E below. 1.C. The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the Foundation" or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works. Nearly all the individual works in the collection are in the public domain in the United States. If an individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg are removed. Of course, we hope that you will support the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with the work. You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others. 1.D. The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern what you can do with this work. Copyright laws in most countries are in a constant state of change. If you are outside the United States, check the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project Gutenberg-tm work. The Foundation makes no representations concerning the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United States. 1.E. Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg: 1.E.1. The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the phrase "Project Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed, copied or distributed: This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org 1.E.2. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees or charges. If you are redistributing or providing access to a work with the phrase "Project Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or 1.E.9. 1.E.3. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional terms imposed by the copyright holder. Additional terms will be linked to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work. 1.E.4. Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm. 1.E.5. Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project Gutenberg-tm License. 1.E.6. You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary, compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any word processing or hypertext form. However, if you provide access to or distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official version posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org), you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon request, of the work in its original "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other form. Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1. 1.E.7. Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying, performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9. 1.E.8. You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided that - You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method you already use to calculate your applicable taxes. The fee is owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation. Royalty payments must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax returns. Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the address specified in Section 4, "Information about donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation." - You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm License. You must require such a user to return or destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of Project Gutenberg-tm works. - You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days of receipt of the work. - You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works. 1.E.9. If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark. Contact the Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below. 1.F. 1.F.1. Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm collection. Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain "Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by your equipment. 1.F.2. LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal fees. YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH 1.F.3. YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH DAMAGE. 1.F.3. LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a written explanation to the person you received the work from. If you received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with your written explanation. The person or entity that provided you with the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a refund. If you received the work electronically, the person or entity providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund. If the second copy is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further opportunities to fix the problem. 1.F.4. Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS' WITH NO OTHER WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTIBILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE. 1.F.5. Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages. If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by the applicable state law. The invalidity or unenforceability of any provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions. 1.F.6. INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production, promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works, harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees, that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause. Section 2. Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers. It exists because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from people in all walks of life. Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the assistance they need, are critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will remain freely available for generations to come. In 2001, the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations. To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4 and the Foundation web page at http://www.pglaf.org. Section 3. Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit 501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal Revenue Service. The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification number is 64-6221541. Its 501(c)(3) letter is posted at http://pglaf.org/fundraising. Contributions to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws. The Foundation's principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S. Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered throughout numerous locations. Its business office is located at 809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887, email [email protected]. Email contact links and up to date contact information can be found at the Foundation's web site and official page at http://pglaf.org For additional contact information: Dr. Gregory B. Newby Chief Executive and Director [email protected] Section 4. Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest array of equipment including outdated equipment. Many small donations ($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt status with the IRS. The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United States. Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up with these requirements. We do not solicit donations in locations where we have not received written confirmation of compliance. To SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any particular state visit http://pglaf.org While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who approach us with offers to donate. International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from outside the United States. U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff. Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation methods and addresses. Donations are accepted in a number of other ways including checks, online payments and credit card donations. To donate, please visit: http://pglaf.org/donate Section 5. General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works. Professor Michael S. Hart is the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared with anyone. For thirty years, he produced and distributed Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support. Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S. unless a copyright notice is included. Thus, we do not necessarily keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition. Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility: http://www.gutenberg.org This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm, including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks.