Project Gutenberg's Through the Outlooking Glass, by Simeon Strunsky
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Title: Through the Outlooking Glass
Author: Simeon Strunsky
Release Date: May 8, 2012 [EBook #39657]
Language: English
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Transcriber's note:
Text enclosed by underscores is in italics (_italics_).
Text enclosed by equal signs is in extra large type (=large=).
Through the
Outlooking Glass
WITH
THEODORE
ROOSEVELT
SIXTH EDITION
PRICE TEN CENTS
THROUGH THE
OUTLOOKING GLASS
_Being the curious adventures of
Theodore the_ Red Knight _in his
quest of the_ Third Cup, _of his
faithful companion_ Alice, _of the_
Old Lady _who lived in a shoe
behind a high tariff wall, and
divers quaint and lively persons,
all comprising a veritable_ Theodyssey
_of incidents, set down
in simple third terms_
BY
SIMEON STRUNSKY
REPRINTED FROM
The Evening Post
NEW YORK
CHAPTER I
Alice was half-way through her cereal when the Red Knight came in and
picked out a place at the same table facing her. He flung his coat over
two hooks on the wall upside down. He then took a piece of chalk from
his pocket and drew a ring on the floor and threw his hat into it.
"Good morning, sir," said Alice, who never forgot her manners under any
circumstances.
"Good evening," said the Red Knight, as he opened his newspaper and
began reading the last paragraph in the last column on the last page.
"But it isn't evening," said Alice. "Why, I am just having my breakfast
before going to school."
"If you were a friend of mine, you'd know what I mean," said the Red
Knight, and turned to the Mad Waiter, who was holding out the bill of
fare for him to read. The Mad Waiter was a progressive waiter. He was so
progressive that he would always be serving people with their supper
before they had finished ordering lunch.
"I'll begin with a third cup of coffee," said the Red Knight. "Then you
can bring me a second cup if it's not too cold. I am sure I don't want
the first cup at all today."
"Thank you, sir," said the Mad Waiter. "The ham and eggs is very fine
today."
"That just suits me," said the Red Knight.
"Too bad," said the Mad Waiter. "Perhaps you'll have a chop, with
pickles and a boiled potato."
"Bully!" said the Red Knight.
"Why, then, there's the cold salmon as many people likes to have a taste
of in the morning," said the waiter.
"Under no circumstances will I eat cold salmon," said the Red Knight,
bringing his fist down on the table with such force that Alice let her
spoon fall to the floor. The Mad Waiter disappeared, and almost
immediately returned with a plate of cold salmon, of which the Red
Knight partook heartily, washing it down with two steaming cups of
coffee. As Alice was gathering up her books before setting out for
school, the Red Knight turned to the waiter and said, "Now bring me the
first cup."
"But you said you were sure you didn't want a first cup," cried Alice,
with some show of spirit.
"That doesn't mean I can't have a first cup without sugar in it, does
it?" said the Red Knight, as he picked up the sugar-bowl and threw it at
the Mad Waiter.
CHAPTER II
Soon they came to the top of the hill and Alice saw a large, heavy man
with a genial smile standing on the lawn of the White House.
"That," said the Red Knight with a frown, "is a deceptive candidate for
the Presidency."
"Why do you call him deceptive?" said Alice.
"Because he always says what he means," replied the Red Knight.
"But that isn't deceiving at all," said Alice.
"Yes, it is," said the Red Knight angrily. "A man like that deceives
people's hopes for novelty and excitement. Now _I_ am a receptive
candidate."
"I don't know what that means, either," said Alice.
"It means," said the Red Knight, "a candidate who receives his views and
his principles as he moves along. I am also a perceptive candidate
because I am as quick as lightning at perceiving which way the wind
blows. Furthermore, I am an inceptive candidate and a susceptive
candidate, and an acceptive candidate. That big man you see over there
is my friend. But he has queer notions about some things. For instance,
he says he'd rather be white than be President."
"Aren't you going to say 'Good morning' to him, if he is your friend?"
said Alice.
"Oh, no," said the Red Knight. "I never do things like other people. I
treat my friends and my enemies alike. I give them all a square deal."
"It seems to me, then," said Alice, "that what you want to do is to walk
over and shake hands and say 'I hope you are feeling quite well, and
here is a square deal for you.'"
"That would never do," said the Red Knight. "When I give a friend a
square deal I give it to him between his shoulder blades, especially if
he has broad shoulders like this man in front of us."
"I don't see that the size of the man's shoulders has anything to do
with it," said Alice.
"That is because you have forgotten your geometry," said the Red Knight.
"If you hadn't you'd know that a square deal on the hypothenuse is equal
to the sum of the square deals on the other two sides."
CHAPTER III
The Red Knight had been rowing for a long time and Alice noticed that
they were still in the same place. That was on account of the peculiar
way in which the Red Knight handled the oars. He pulled at the right oar
as hard as he could and pushed with the left oar as hard as he could and
the boat went round and round in a circle.
"We aren't getting any nearer the shore, are we?" he asked anxiously.
"Not a bit," said Alice.
"That's fine," said the Red Knight. "Now you can see that I am neither a
wild-eyed radical nor a moss-grown reactionary."
But Alice's conscience began to trouble her.
"You know," she said. "I promised Mamma that I would go out in a boat
under no circumstances."
"That's all right, then," said the Red Knight. "It's just what you are
doing."
"But I am _not_," said Alice.
"You are very stupid," said the Red Knight. "Suppose you said. 'I will
go out in the rain under no umbrella.' Wouldn't that mean that you
intended to go out without an umbrella?"
"It _might_ mean that," said Alice.
"And suppose you said, 'I will go to bed under no blanket,' it would
mean that you preferred to sleep without a blanket, wouldn't it?"
"I suppose so," said Alice.
"Now, were there any circumstances why you should have gone out with me
in this boat?" asked the Red Knight.
"No," said Alice.
"Well, then, isn't it as plain as anything that you are going out in
this boat under no circumstances?"
But Alice only began to whimper.
"I promised Mamma," she said, "that I should be home at five o'clock."
"Selfish!" said the Red Knight.
"I am not selfish," cried Alice. "I promised Mamma I'd come and I want
to keep my promise."
"That's what I call selfish," said the Red Knight; "giving somebody your
promise and wanting to keep it, too. I'd never be guilty of such
conduct. It's like giving somebody your piece of plum pudding and
wanting to keep it at the same time."
"But a promise isn't plum pudding," said Alice.
"Of course it isn't," said the Red Knight. "Plum pudding is much harder
to swallow."
"Oh, you know well enough what I mean," said Alice, quite out of
patience. "It isn't the _promise_ I want to keep; it's _what_ I promised
about."
"Oh, in that case, we quite agree," said the Red Knight. "If you give
people a promise and keep something else, it's all right." And he began
to row harder than ever.
CHAPTER IV
"Sometimes," said the Red Knight, "a situation arises where mere words
will not do at all. Look at this paper, for instance."
"It's a telegram, isn't it?" said Alice.
"A special night-letter," said the Red Knight. "It's from the Prime
Minister of Kansas. It says: 'When you take a third cup at breakfast, do
you drink coffee like the plain people, or cocoa like the enemies of
progress?' Now, words alone could not express my views on the subject.
The only way I can answer this highly important question is like this."
And then, to Alice's astonishment, the Red Knight descended from his
horse and stood straight in the air on his hands, as Alice had
frequently seen her little brother do in the back yard at home.
"On the one hand," said the Red Knight, lifting his right arm from the
ground and tipping dangerously to the left. "I believe that the right of
the common people to drink coffee in the morning is inalienable, and if
the Constitution is in the way it should be recalled. On the other
hand," suiting his action to the word and tipping dangerously to the
right, "if some people are put upon a cocoa diet by doctor's orders,
they should be at liberty to drink cocoa even if they are rich. I
think," concluded the Red Knight as he got to his feet quite breathless
and very red in the face, "that the Prime Minister of Kansas will
henceforth know how I stand upon the subject."
"I didn't know you were so clever at gymnastics," said Alice with
sincere admiration.
"Oh, I am," said the Red Knight, with an air of justified pride. "I am
the only one in the country who can sit between two stools without
touching either or falling to the ground."
"I don't see how anybody can do that," said Alice.
"I do it by sitting on my record," said the Red Knight.
CHAPTER V
Alice was beginning to feel rather tired, when they turned another
corner and saw the old woman who lived in a shoe. The landlord didn't
like to have babies in the house, and the cost of living was dreadfully
high, and so she didn't know what else to do. The Red Knight kissed
every one of the children--there were just fifty-seven of them--and told
them that under certain circumstances they might all be President some
day.
Alice had been long away from home, and the sight of the little ones
almost brought tears to her eyes.
"The darlings!" she said. "I should just have to bathe them all and put
them to bed. I wonder how you can keep count of them, ma'am."
"It's very simple," said the woman. "I make them punch a clock, in the
morning just before breakfast, and again before they go to bed. But
it's the breakfast that worries me," she went on, turning to the Red
Knight. "With fifty-seven mouths to feed, and each one demanding a bowl
of cereal and an egg, and prices what they are."
"But on the other hand," said the Red Knight, "see what you have done
for your country and your race."
"I know," said the old woman. "I heard people say that if the tariff
were reduced, then groceries might come cheaper somehow; I am not clever
at such things, but you know what I mean."
The Red Knight smiled jovially.
"I quite understand, Madam," he said. "What you mean is that the
Presidential primary ought to be established in every State."
"Perhaps I did mean that," said the old woman, a little dazed. "They
were also saying that if American sewing-machines were sold in this
country at only twenty-five per cent. more than they are sold abroad, it
would be a good thing for us housewives. Perhaps I'm not quite clear."
"I grasp your meaning perfectly," said the Red Knight. "You meant to
imply that the greatest need of the moment is the recall of judicial
decisions."
"Well, I suppose it's so," said the old woman. "But I did think that if
we had reciprocity with Canada, every one of the children might have an
egg for breakfast. I wonder if it is really possible."
"It is, Madam," said the Red Knight; "as soon as we establish the
initiative and referendum."
"Does that mean two separate things, or one?" asked Alice, who had been
reading the "Rubaiyat" to the thirteen youngest children.
"Two, of course," said the Red Knight. "I supply the initiative, and
Perkins furnishes the referendum."
He took off his helmet and from it drew forth two large paper boxes, at
the sight of the contents of which all the fifty-seven children broke
into a cheer. They were still cheering for the Red Knight as Alice and
her companion disappeared around the corner.
"Was it breakfast food you had in the boxes?" asked Alice.
"My dear Alice," said the Red Knight, "when you grow up and go into
society, you will learn that popular enthusiasm does not thrive on
breakfast food. You know what children like. In one of the boxes there
was fudge, and in the other box there was taffy."
CHAPTER VI
"Whichever way you look at it," said the Red Knight, "there is only one
possible conclusion. I am the logical candidate at Chicago."
"What _is_ a logical candidate?" said Alice.
"A logical candidate," said the Red Knight, "is one who, when the
necessity arises, can prove that 'I won't' means 'I will.'"
"That should be a very difficult thing to do," said Alice.
"_I_ find it the easiest thing in the world," said the Red Knight. "Let
us look at it in this way: No one will deny that the President of the
United States should be a man about fifty-four years old, about five
feet ten inches tall, powerfully built, wear glasses, and live on the
north shore of Long Island. That, I believe, is axiomatic."
"That's another word I don't know the meaning of," said Alice.
"An axiom, my dear girl, is something which is so obviously true that
the man who denies it must be a crook or an infamous liar. Very well,
then. In the second place, a candidate for the Presidency should be a
man of wide experience. He must have lived in the White House at least
seven years, and before that he must have been a member of the
Legislature, a Police Commissioner, a cavalry colonel, and the author of
a short but masterly treatise on the Irish sagas."
"Is that axiomatic, also?" said Alice.
"Naturally," said the Red Knight.
"Then it means you once more?"
"Exactly," said the Red Knight. "And in the last place he should be a
descendant of the old Dutch patroons, a native of New York, and his name
should begin with an R and end with a T, and have at least two O's and a
V between. Now what does all that prove?"
"Axiomatically, you mean?" said Alice.
"Of course," said the Red Knight.
"It means you again," said Alice.
"You are a very bright child to see the point so quickly," said the Red
Knight. "Thus I am the logical candidate of the moment. But please
observe that I am much more than that. I am also the physiological
candidate, because I can speak faster and louder than any man in the
country, and can slug a man harder through the ropes. Then, I am the
zoological candidate, because of my record in Africa. And I am the
entomological candidate, because I am the broadest-minded man in the
world, and my views are absolutely insectarian."
"I don't think that is a very good pun, do you?" said Alice.
"I think it's one of the best puns I ever heard," said the Red Knight,
hastily, and went on. "The successful candidate must be one who knows
how to make hay when the sun shines and how to get in out of the rain;
therefore, I am the meteorological candidate. He should be the man
brought forward by a vast national upheaval; that makes me the
geological candidate. And, above all, he must not be too thin-skinned
when accused of bad faith and personal motives; which makes me the
dermatological candidate. So what does all this show?"
"It shows," said Alice, "that you _are_ the logical candidate."
"It does," said the Red Knight, and, having divested himself of his
armor, he thrust his hands into his pockets and whistled cheerfully.
CHAPTER VII
"Having rallied my troops," said the Red Knight, "I will now march to
settle the Trust problem at the head of my convincible army."
"You mean _in_vincible, don't you?" said Alice.
"I mean _con_vincible," replied the Red Knight. "Because we always march
to battle convinced that we shall be robbed of the fruits of victory."
"Then why fight at all?" said Alice.
The Red Knight looked at her in astonishment. "If we don't fight, how
can we cry fraud afterwards?"
"But you don't absolutely have to cry fraud, do you?" said Alice,
timidly.
For the first time since their acquaintance the Red Knight grew
sarcastic. "If you can tell me any other way we can keep our spirits up,
I'd be much obliged," he said.
"Your army doesn't seem to be a very large one," said Alice.
"Yes, it is," said the Red Knight. "I have countless millions on my
side. But they are of a rather retiring disposition. You'd never suspect
they were there if I didn't tell you. These men you see are only my
Field Marshals. I don't suppose you have ever met them before, have
you?"
"I never have," said Alice. "I am only eight, you know, and Mamma says I
must be seventeen before I go out in mixed company."
"Then I must introduce you," said the Red Knight. "The small man in
armor is George the Harvester. We call him that because he thinks he
can sow money and reap delegates. He just loves the people. And he is so
modest that the people don't even suspect it. A good man, the Harvester,
and as true as United States Steel."
"I don't think I like him," said Alice.
"I didn't until he came out for me," said the Red Knight. "That showed
how mistaken I was. The tall, thin man, next to him is Gifford the
Forester, so-called because he is frequently up a tree. He is a nice
fellow, but not practical enough. I sometimes wonder whether he belongs
with the rest of my Field-Marshals. The one in sheepskin is Ormsby the
Barrister. He got his title from his willingness to round up Southern
delegates for any candidate, bar none. He is the most unprejudiced man I
know. The last man on the left, in a uniform of colored frontispieces is
Frank the Publisher. He is always in high spirits because his
circulation is so good. Have you ever seen a more impressive lot of
men?"
Alice couldn't honestly say that she had. So the Red Knight gave the
signal and the convincible army started out. Soon they came to two
finger-posts pointing in the same direction. One finger-post said, "To
the House of the Good Trust," and the other finger-post said, "To the
House of the Bad Trust."
Alice thought that was very odd, but she was resolved she'd wait until
they came to a fork in the road. But when they did the road on the left
had no guide-posts at all, and the two fingers continued to point down
the other road.
"Do Good Trust and Bad Trust both live in the same house?" asked Alice.
"I shouldn't be surprised," said the Red Knight, and they marched on
till they came to New Jersey; and there, sure enough--but what Alice saw
there will be told by the Red Knight in the preceding chapter.
CHAPTER VIII
Yes, sure enough, just as Alice and the Red Knight turned the corner
they spied the Good Trust and the Bad Trust standing quite still, with
their hands in each other's pockets. Alice thought it very odd, because
the day was quite warm.
"They do that to keep in practice," said the Red Knight.
To Alice they looked like twins. They were dressed in suits of
Pittsburgh steel, with woollen caps in the form of Schedule K. and boots
made by the Shoe-Machine Trust.
"I am sure I could never tell them apart," said Alice. "How do you
manage to do it?"
"There are several ways," said the Red Knight. "One way is to turn
around and let one of them steal your purse. If he spends the money on
yachts and Old Masters, it's the Bad Trust. But, if he spends the money
on Presidential campaign contributions, it's the Good Trust."
"But what happens to my pocketbook?" asked Alice.
"I think you are very sordid," said the Red Knight. "However, you might
try to shake hands with them. If he takes your hand and says, 'How do
you do?' it's the Good Trust; but, if he takes your hand and then bites
it, you'll know it's the Bad Trust."
"I don't think I like that way either," said Alice. "All I can see is
that they look just alike, and behave in exactly the same way."
"That simply shows you lack incrimination and discrimination," said the
Red Knight. "Incrimination to recognize the Bad Trust, and
discrimination to recognize the Good Trust."
"Well, I wish you'd tell me how _you_ manage to tell one from the
other," said Alice.
"Usually I do it by instinct," said the Red Knight: "but when it's too
dark to see well, I treat them with kindness."
"But what good does that do?" asked Alice.
"I thought you knew that everybody responds to kindness," said the Red
Knight. "Only they respond in different ways. I get my _best_ results by
tickling them."
He walked up to the two Trusts, and poked his finger into the ribs of
the one on the left, saying at the same time: "What do you think of the
Sherman law?"
"Tee hee, tee hee," the Trust giggled.
"That," said the Red Knight, "is the Bad Trust. Did you ever see such
criminal indifference? Now, watch me." And he proceeded to push his
finger into the side of the other Trust, repeating: "What do you think
of the Sherman law?"
"T. R.! T. R.!" shouted the Trust.
"That is the Good Trust," said the Red Knight. "Of course, it isn't a
method that everybody would care to pursue. And that is why I am the
only man in the country who can really tell the difference between the
two."
CHAPTER IX
It was the Comic Editor who suggested that they go uptown by the subway.
It was the rush hour, so there was plenty of room for everybody. The Red
Knight lay back in his seat and looked thoughtfully at Alice.
"Now that I have got Oklahoma and there is no doubt as to how the rest
of the country is going, I feel the need of a little recreation--" he
said.
"Wreckreation, you know," said the Comic Editor and nudged Alice in the
side as he spelled out the joke for her.
"Do you like puzzle pictures?" said the Red Knight.
"I just love them," said Alice.
The Red Knight took out a large document printed on heavy parchment. At
the top was an eagle with outstretched wings, and Alice could read the
first line. "We, the people of the United States, in order--" Borrowing
Alice's scissors, he snipped the paper up in little bands and squares.
These he first threw up in the air. Then he ran them through his
fingers. Then he crumpled them up, threw them on the floor and jumped
upon them.
"Change and exercise are good for the Constitution, you know," said the
Comic Editor.
Alice looked calmly at the Comic Editor and set to work arranging the
fragments. But the task was quite beyond her. "I'm afraid you'll have to
do it yourself," she said.
"It's very simple," said the Red Knight. He took the pieces and deftly
put them together, putting Article XII first and Article VII next, and
so on. "Now, here's a sample of the way it should look," he said, and
Alice noticed that the typography had changed very oddly. She read as
follows:
We, the people of the Un=I=ted States, =I=n order to form a more
perfect un=I=on, establ=I=sh just=I=ce, =I=nsure domest=I=c
tranqu=I=l=I=ty, prov=I=de for the common defense, promote the
general welfare and secure the bless=I=ngs of l=I=berty to
ourselves and our poster=I=ty, do orda=I=n and establ=I=sh th=I=s
Const=I=tut=I=on for the Un=I=ted States of Amer=I=ca.
"It seems to be nothing but capital I's," said Alice. "The rest you can
hardly read."
"That is the letter of the Constitution," said the Red Knight. "I have
always been faithful to it, and always will be."
"But you can't make a Constitution out of a single letter," insisted
Alice.
"Yes, you can," said the Red Knight, "provided the letter is big
enough."
But Alice was firm. "I don't see how language can be made up of one
letter. You need twenty-six at least."
"I don't think so," said the Red Knight, "and, besides, where am I to
get the other letters from?"
"You might advertise," said the Comic Editor. "Help Wanted, Mail, you
know."
All at once the Red Knight sat straight up, and his face grew bright.
"Why, of course, we need more letters. There is e for 'me' and o for
'our' and u for 'us' and a for 'am' and y for 'my.' My dear Alice, that
really was a bright idea of yours."
"Whatever is bright is Constitutional, you know," said the Comic Editor.
The Red Knight picked up the pieces of parchment. "With a little
practice," he said, "you will be very good at taking a constitution
apart and putting it together again. It helps to pass the time, and when
you are tired of the game you can throw the mess out of the window."
"Interrupt it and constrew it, you know," said the Comic Editor.
"Oh, don't be a fool," said Alice, quite losing her temper. She looked
so angry that the Comic Editor burst out crying. He was still sobbing
when they came to the door of the Outlooking Glass office.
CHAPTER X
"If you promise to keep quite still," said the Poet Laureate. "I will
read you my latest poem."
"I should be delighted," said Alice, whose manners never failed her.
The Poet Laureate cleared his throat and read:
The sun was shining in the sky,
The time was 2 A. M.
(No stand-pat luminary, he
Progressived with a slam),
And folks in bed were luncheoning
Exclusively on jam.
"This doesn't seem to be quite clear," said Alice.
"Of course it isn't," said the Poet Laureate. "This is just to create
the proper atmosphere." And he went on:
The Colonel and the Harvester
Had found a shady spot.
They sorted Issues by the piece,
The dozen, and the lot.
And most of them were highly spiced,
And all were piping hot.
"For seven years," the Colonel said,
"I walked the quarter deck,
I smote the Trusts, and in their gore
I waded to the neck."
"I know it," sobbed the Harvester,
And signed another check.
"I haven't overdone the pathos, have I?" said the Poet Laureate.
"Not at all," said Alice.
"Oh Pledges, come and walk with us,"
The valiant Colonel cried.
"Your numbers clearly show my stand
Upon race suicide.
Your countless faces fill my breast
With pardonable pride."
The elder Pledges shook their heads
And whimpered as he spoke;
The elder Pledges couldn't move
Because their backs was broke,
But all the younger fry obeyed
And waited for the joke.
"I will now skip several stanzas because they are quite intelligible,"
said the Poet Laureate.
"It seems to me that you can read them all the better then," said Alice.
"But if they are already intelligible, what use is there in reading
them?" said the Poet Laureate, impatiently, and he went on:
"The time has come," the Colonel said,
"To speak of many things,
Of Presidents of sealing wax,
And hats inside of rings,
And why I feel so boiling hot,
And whether truth has wings."
"A brand new deal, Oh Pledges dear,
Is what we chiefly need.
A double-acting memory
Is very good indeed;
And if you're ready, Harvester,
We can begin to feed."
"But not on us," the Pledges cried--
"Please," said Alice, "please won't you skip what happened next? I have
never been able to think about it without crying. It's too cruel."
"Very well," said the Poet Laureate, "I am rather tender-hearted myself.
I'll pass on to the last verse:
"'Oh Pledges dear,' the Colonel said,
'Is not this bully fun?
I thank you for the Harvester----'
But answer there came none,
And this was scarcely odd, because
He'd swallowed every one."
CHAPTER XI
"When I went to school," said the Red Knight, "I was particularly good
at Riddles, Reverence and Rithmetic."
"I've studied arithmetic in school and played riddles _after_ school,"
said Alice, "but I don't know what you mean by Reverence."
"I'm surprised," said the Red Knight. "Reverence means doing honor to
great men. For instance, when I look at myself and am reminded of
Abraham Lincoln, George Washington, Napoleon, Mark Twain, Admiral Peary,
and Joan of Arc, that means reverence. But perhaps you'd rather have me
ask you riddles?"
"I think I should," said Alice.
"Very well. What's the difference between a Southern postmaster in 1908
and a Southern postmaster in 1912?"
"I'm sure I don't know," said Alice. "What is it?"
"I give it up," said the Red Knight.
"What a queer way of asking riddles!" said Alice.
"Not at all," said the Red Knight. "What's the difference between taking
a canal from Colombia and taking candy from a child?"
"I never did understand politics," said Alice. "What is it?"
"I give it up," said the Red Knight.
"Oh, pshaw," said Alice. "Please do be sensible."
"I _am_ sensible," said the Red Knight. "Why is George W. Perkins like
the voice of the people?"
"Well, why?"
"I give it up," said the Red Knight.
"But that's too absurd for anything," said Alice. "If you like to tease
people, please find some one else to tease."
She walked away to one side, quite angry, and began to play with the
daisies in her new spring hat. The Red Knight sat down on the river's
edge and broke out crying. He wept so bitterly that Alice felt sorry for
him. She came back to where he sat and said: "I'm awfully sorry. I
didn't mean to hurt your feelings." But the Red Knight only went on
weeping.
"Please, do stop crying," said Alice. "Take out your handkerchief and
wipe your eyes; come now."
"I can't," said the Red Knight. "I had my handkerchief in my hat, and my
hat is in the ring," and he sobbed as if his heart would break.
So Alice took out her own handkerchief and wiped his streaming eyes, but
still he would not stop. Then, to quiet him, she said: "But you said you
were good at arithmetic."
"Oh, I am," said the Red Knight, and his face grew quite radiant. "Have
you ever figured out how many Governors have come out for me?"
"No," said Alice.
"Well," said the Red Knight, "there's the Governor of New Hampshire, and
the Governor of West Virginia, that makes two; and the Governor of New
Hampshire, that makes--"
"But you counted the Governor of New Hampshire," said Alice.
"Only once," said the Red Knight. "People say that the Governor of New
Hampshire is of two minds about me--that means twice, doesn't it?"
"Does it?" said Alice.
"Of course it does," said the Red Knight. "Then there is Kansas, which
makes five, and Nebraska, which makes eleven, and California, which
makes twenty-four, and New Mexico, which makes thirty-seven out of a
total of forty-eight Governors."
"I don't see how you figure that out at all," said Alice.
"I do it by long addition," said the Red Knight.
CHAPTER XII
Alice had been sprinkling water on his face and fanning him with her
straw hat for several minutes, and still the Red Knight lay there quite
motionless. He looked so wan and pale it made Alice's heart ache. But
just when she had decided that a doctor must be sent for, the Red Knight
opened his eyes and sighed.
"Where are we?" he said.
"We are still in North Dakota," said Alice.
"And our opponents?"
"They have gone somewhere else."
"I knew it," said the Red Knight. "They have left the field to me. I
knew it would be like that. I always win. Did you see me charge?"
"I did," said Alice. "It made me so sad to see you go over your horse's
head so many times."
"I did that to disconcert them," said the Red Knight. "As long as I
stayed in the saddle they would keep on fighting. But as soon as I fell
off they would naturally be at a loss as to what to do next."
"But you frightened me horribly," said Alice. "Every time you went over
you landed on your head."
"Oh, that was all right," said the Red Knight. "My head has always been
the strongest part of me. Besides, I always think very well on my head.
It stimulates me. Some of the very best ideas I have had--like the
recall of the judges, for instance--came to me in that position. The
thing to do now is to follow up our victory."
"You must not bother about that now," said Alice. "You must really rest
up. Talking isn't very good for you."
"It never hurts me to talk," said the Red Knight. "It is no strain
whatever. I can do it without thinking."
A tired look came into Alice's face.
"You are not discouraged, are you?" asked the Red Knight, a little
wistfully. "You mustn't be, you know. If I gave up the fight who else
would there be to carry it on?"
"I'm sure I don't know," said Alice.
"There _is_ no one else," said the Red Knight. "I'll prove it to you."
He reached into his back pocket and pulled out a collapsible
foot-measure of the kind carpenters use in their business. He handed it
to Alice and asked her to open it out.
"This is a very funny rule," said Alice. "I thought all these
pocket-measures ran up to six feet, but this one stops short at five
feet ten inches."
"Exactly," said the Red Knight. "Now would you mind taking my measure,
just as I lie here."
Alice wondered, but complied.
"Why," she said, "it is just your height."
"Of course it is," said the Red Knight. "This, you see, is the rule of
the people. I always carry it about with me. It is a very good rule,
because it works only one way."
CHAPTER XIII
At the sight of the dear old lady in a pannier gown, Alice could not
help uttering a little cry of delight.
"Do let me introduce you," she said to the Red Knight, and she ran
forward, pulling his steed along by the rein. "The Red Knight, Mrs.
Malaprop," she said, and beamed upon both of them.
"Not _the_ Mrs. Malaprop," said the Red Knight, holding out one hand and
clinging to the saddle with the other.
"The same," said the old lady; "may I facilitate you upon the results in
Illinois and Pennsylvania?"
"I thank you," said the Red Knight. "I have often heard you spoken of as
one of our leading simplified spellers. If I am not mistaken, your
grandfather was Col. Lapsus Linguæ of Faux Pas."
"He was," said the old lady. "And on my mother's side I am related to
the Bulls of Ireland and the Hiatuses of Prattling Common. If an old
woman's good wishes count for anything--"
"Madam," said the Red Knight, "after California, I freely recognize the
extraordinary mental and moral qualities of our women voters."
"I have long wished to tell you," said the old woman, "how I admire the
victorious career of one whom I regard as the most Perkinacious of all
our candidates."
"Pert, not Perk," hinted Alice, gently.
"Perk or Pert, what difference does it make?" said the old lady. "We
live not by the letter of the law, but by its spirituous consultation. I
have known many candidates who have fought hard for their own ends, but
none whose motives are so absolutely Flinnathropic."
"Philanthropic," suggested Alice, in a whisper.
"Please don't interrogate so much," said the old lady, but still without
losing her temper. "When I meet a public man who is so ready to
capitalize his own interests to those of his country--"
"Sacri--" Alice started to say, but caught herself in time.
"Why, then," went on the old lady, "he ought to have as many terms as he
likes. If two are not enough he should have a third term, if only by
Hannalogy. Now I hope I got _that_ right," she said, turning defiantly
to Alice.
But Alice's feelings were hurt, and she said nothing.
"And so," concluded the old lady, "I hope that you will succeed in
keeping up your spontaneous consumption of public interest and that you
won't let them take away your Southern renegades--"
"Delega--" said Alice before she could stop herself.
But the old lady only glared at her and went on addressing the Red
Knight: "And may all your enemies be like that English duke who was
drowned in a barrel of Munsey."
"Malmsey," shouted Alice, no longer able to control herself. But the Red
Knight turned to her and chided her gently: "The question, my dear
Alice, is who shall make the rules of language, the plain people or the
bosses who write the dictionaries."
CHAPTER XIV
"I will never go to Chicago," said the Red Knight.
Alice looked up from her book. "What train won't you take?" she asked.
"The 3:30," said the Red Knight.
"And which would you rather not have, a lower berth or an upper one?"
said Alice.
"By all means a lower berth," said the Red Knight. "It makes no
difference to me, you know."
And so the next morning they sat at breakfast in the dining-car. Alice
divided her attention between the grapefruit and the landscape, but the
Red Knight was completely absorbed with his own thoughts.
"It makes one dizzy to see the country flash by," said Alice, half to
herself.
The gentleman in a bathing suit who sat at the next table eating olives
with a spoon turned around with a reassuring smile.
"I shouldn't worry if I were you," he said. "It keeps up all the way to
Chicago, you know."
"What keeps up?" said Alice.
"The country, of course," said the gentleman.
But at the word Chicago, the Red Knight looked up suddenly. "My dear
Alice, do you happen to remember the name of the President who was
nominated at Chicago in 1860?" he said.
"Let me see," said Alice, and she began to repeat to herself,
First Washington his country's pride,
Then sturdy Adams true and tried,
Then Jefferson----
"We shall be in Chicago before you get to Daniel Webster," said the
gentleman in the bathing suit. "It was Lincoln, of course."
"Lincoln is right," said the Red Knight. "And now _I_ am going to
Chicago."
"That's a very good sign," said the gentleman in the bathing suit.
"What is?" said the Red Knight, blushing with delight.
"That," said the other, pointing out of the window. "Can you read it?
'Use Walnut Oil and Save Your Hair.' It sounds very convincing."
But the Red Knight was once more lost in thought, and the gentleman in
the bathing suit turned to Alice.
"I am an upholsterer by trade, you know," he said, "but in the summer I
give lessons on the violin."
"What an odd combination!" said Alice. "Do you play well?"
"Oh I make more or less of a respectable living out of it," he said.
"It's more respectable than upholstering, but it's less of a living."
Here the Red Knight looked up again. "What are those famous words in
Lincoln's Second Inaugural, Alice? You know what I mean. 'With--
With----' How does it go?"
"_I_ know what you mean," said the gentleman in the bathing suit as he
rolled his menu-card into a tube and began shooting olive-pits through
it. "You mean, 'With Alice towards none, with hilarity for all--'"
"I think you are very stupid," said Alice, "and I wish you wouldn't
take liberties with other people's names."
The man in the bathing suit immediately broke into tears. "I was only
fooling," he sobbed. "But you can't fool all of the people all of the
time. Can you now?" he said, turning to the Red Knight.
"You don't have to," said the Red Knight, to himself. "A good many
Progressives expect to be elected to the United States Senate."
CHAPTER XV
The train pulled into the station, and the Red Knight looked at his
watch. "Forty minutes late," he said; "another infamous trick." He
seized a telegraph blank, and wrote: "Congressman McKinley, Taft
Headquarters--Brigand! Assassin! Polygamist! Collect." He turned to
Alice. "I feel much better now," he said. "Let us go."
Opposite them in the car sat a young lady who was reading "Thus Spake
Zarathustra," and chewing gum. So they knew they were in Chicago. They
came to a hotel that was taller than any building Alice had ever seen.
It was so tall that millionaires living on the top floor were in the
habit of swearing off their taxes, on the plea of non-residence in the
State of Illinois. They entered the elevator, and by and by they reached
the floor on which their rooms were situated. As they opened the door,
the first thing they saw was George the Harvester and Ormsby the
Barrister weeping in each other's arms, and wiping each other's eyes
with bundles of rejected credentials.
At the sight of the Barrister the Red Knight showed no anger. He merely
took off his helmet and threw it at the bellboy. Then he pressed his
forehead against the window-pane, and the glass cracked. Then he turned
to the Barrister. "You must have had a very pleasant trip down South,"
he said, quietly gnashing his teeth.
"I did," said the Barrister, brightening up wonderfully.
"How did it all happen?" said the Red Knight.
"Shall I tell the story by Congressional districts or by States?" said
the Barrister.
"By States," said the Red Knight.
The Barrister cleared his throat and began:
I took a barrel into Ga.
("'Ga' being Georgia, of course," he explained.)
They jumped right up and yelled "Hurrah."
I took a trunkful into Fla.
They came to cheer from near and far.
I spent two trunkfuls in Ala.
They danced and sang: "You bet we are!"
I took a crateful into Ark.
They said, "Your reasons hit the mark."
"But this is all so very, very obscure," said Alice.
"It was intended to be," said the Barrister, and went on:
I sent to them and said "Endorse,"
They stood right up and said "Of course."
I wrote to them and said "Contest,"
They said, "Cash up, we'll do the rest."
I said to them "Remember now,"
They said, "Keep cool, we'll show you how."
They voted once, they voted twice,
They voted hard, to earn the price.
"But who are 'they?'" asked Alice. "Are there really such people?"
"Of course there are," said the Barrister. "I invented them myself," and
he went on:
They started for Chicago, Ill.,
To ratify the people's will,
But----
"That's all there is," said the Barrister, stopping abruptly.
"Yes, that is all there is," said the Red Knight, "and a nice mess you
made of it."
"Mercy, Sire," cried the Barrister, falling on his knees.
"Failure deserves no pity," said the Red Knight sternly. "If it were not
for the chance that you may do better in 1916, I would make short work
of you at once. As it is, you will, as a penalty, between today and the
first of next year, read and briefly summarize every one of my past
Presidential messages."
"Including the paragraph about the tariff which Joe Cannon made you take
out?" sobbed the Barrister.
"Everything!" said the Red Knight. "Come, Alice. The trumpet calls to
battle. It's now or never--unless the circumstances change."
CHAPTER XVI
The two armies were now face to face, and the Red Knight gathered his
staff about him for a few final words of exhortation.
"Remember, men," he said. "Victory is assured. On our side are all the
honest men. Against us are all the thieves. We need only win forty of
them over to our side and the battle is ours."
Alice thought that was rather strange tactics, but she said nothing. She
gazed with admiration at the Red Knight. He was resplendent in a new
suit of armour fashioned out of lithographed photographs of Abraham
Lincoln. From his helmet fluttered a copy of the Declaration of the
Rights of Man. In his right hand he held a copy of Magna Charta, and
with the left he waved aloft one of the Harvester's fattest checkbooks.
A mighty cheer broke from the multitude, but the Red Knight commanded
silence.
"As you go into battle," he went on, "ask yourself this: Can the
practitioners of theft and burglary triumph over the forces of
righteousness?"
"Never!" shouted the Publisher, like the hero in one of his own
magazines.
"Don't be an ass, Frank," said the Red Knight. "Of course they always
do, except when I am here to lead the forces of righteousness. That
makes all the difference in the world."
Alice thought she had never seen him in such a logical frame of mind.
The men about him felt exactly the same way.
The Red Knight went on: "The principal thing when you take up arms is to
know what you are fighting for. Do all of you know what you are after?"
"We do!" they cried in chorus. Conviction was stamped on every face.
"That is very good," said the Red Knight. "So do I. Now we come to our
plan of attack. It is very simple. I shall lead flanking parties against
the enemy's right and left wing and head a furious charge against the
centre. A small detachment of picked men under my personal command will
go out in advance and feel out the enemy. As for the rear guard and
train that shall be my own concern. Between operations I shall write
full account of the battle for several newspaper syndicates with which I
have signed contracts. Is there anything I have overlooked?"
It was the Forester who spoke up. "There's the band music for the
triumphal return from Chicago."
The Red Knight smiled indulgently. "That is already composed and
orchestrated. I may revise it a bit while I am dictating terms to the
enemy. So that is all. You may go, gentlemen."
"But how about me?" said Alice, of whose presence the Red Knight had
been quite oblivious. Her feelings were hurt, and she was on the point
of crying.
"Why, sure enough, there you are, Alice," said the Red Knight. "I think
you had better go to the rear till it's all over. The fight may last
till ten o'clock, and that's no hour for one of your age to be out of
bed."
"I will never leave you!" cried Alice. "Under no circumstances. There's
no one else like you in the whole world."
The Red Knight smiled and stroked her hair. "Very well, then. I'll tell
you what we'll do. You don't ride a horse, do you?"
"I never learned," she said.
"It doesn't matter," said the Red Knight. "No horse could keep up with
me, anyhow. We'll get you a taxicab and you can keep right by my side."
But Alice now had her qualms. "Is it very dangerous?" she asked.
"Dangerous where I am?" laughed the Red Knight. "You'll be just as safe
as in your own little bed. Nobody ever stands up against me, Alice. At
the first sight of me they turn and run. That's what makes the present
obstinate behavior of the enemy so peculiarly infamous."
CHAPTER XVII
They were once more on the Chicago Flyer, this time on the way East, and
Alice looking out of the window, saw that within a few minutes they
would be in New York. The Red Knight lay back in his chair, almost as
worn and pale as after that terrible battle in North Dakota, when he
fell off so often on his head.
"A drink of water, please, Alice," said the Red Knight.
They had mislaid their individual drinking-cups, so Alice brought him
some water in his helmet, and after he had drunk, she bathed his
forehead with the rest.
"Well, it was a hard fight," said the Red Knight. "But we won."
"Do you think so?" said Alice, greatly surprised.
"We _must_ have won," said the Red Knight. "We couldn't help it. Look at
it yourself. My motives were of the very highest, my followers were the
best men in the country, my strategy was absolutely faultless. There
wasn't a mistake or an oversight. So, of course, I must have won."
"But I am really afraid," said Alice, "that the others think _they_ came
out best."
"That was part of my game," said the Red Knight. "Let them sink in the
quicksands of their own delusions. Let them go on thinking they have
nominated some one else. Let them go ahead and elect him. Let the fact
be set down in the school histories. What does it all prove? Nothing."
The train came to a stop and Alice and the Red Knight took a taxicab for
the latter's place of business. The time had come to say good-by. They
stood at the door of the Outlooking Glass office, just as the edition
was being made up. From the pressrooms to the editorial rooms all was
animation. The chief editor was shooting copy up the tubes as fast as
the office boys could write it. The latest advertisements were coming in
over the wire. The desk men were waiting for the editorial writers to
finish their comments on the week's news before setting down the facts.
Alice turned to shake hands with the Red Knight. It had been an exciting
time, and she was tired and very anxious to be at home with mamma. But
she had grown fond of her comrade in the Outlooking Glass. When she was
back again at her stupid lessons, studying that 2 and 2 makes 4, and
that "yes" is affirmative and "no" is negative, and that black is black
and white is white, oh, how she would miss the Red Knight.
But she was very brave, and, stretching out her hand, she said,
"Good-by."
The Red Knight pressed her hand affectionately.
"I wish you would write something in my little pocket album," said
Alice, trying to keep back her tears.
"Gladly," said the Red Knight, and taking the book he wrote:
Never put off till to-morrow
A thing you can get today.
"Thank you," said Alice. "I don't suppose we shall ever meet again."
"Well, there's 1916," said the Red Knight. "Shall we say four years from
now on Lincoln's birthday?"
"But there would be no use trying," said Alice.
"You could help me a great deal, you know," said the Red Knight. "By
that time women will be voting everywhere. On the one hand there will
be woman's new privileges to discuss, and on the other hand there will
be her new responsibilities. My hat is still good for something."
"No, no, no," said Alice. "I don't want you to go campaigning any more.
The fact is, you are not as strong as you used to be."
"Suppose it _is_ a fact, what difference does it make?" said the Red
Knight.
But Alice would not listen. "Why must you always be fighting? Why not
leave that for younger people, and let everybody remember you at your
best?"
"A man must do _something_ exciting," said the Red Knight.
"Of course he must," said Alice. "I hope, and I'm sure we all hope, you
will go on contributing for years and years and years. Good-by."
Her eyes were wet with tears as she sprang backwards through the
Outlooking Glass. The Red Knight vanished. She was home again, home in
the dear old room with the big reading lamp on the table, and mamma busy
with the baby's things, and father asleep over a copy of the Aldrich
Monetary Report.
"Oh mamma," she cried.
"What is it, Alice?" said her mother.
"I have _such_ a headache, mamma. I have been in politics."
_By the Same Author_
* * * * *
THE PATIENT
OBSERVER
LIGHT STUDIES IN EVERYDAY LIFE
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_Reprinted from The Evening Post_
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instead of wandering round as fugitive leaves. There is hardly an
essayist of the present day in this country whose work seems
better deserving of preservation.--THE LITERARY DIGEST
With the coming of "The Patient Observer" a new--and
true--humorist enters the field of American literature.--NEW YORK
TIMES
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