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Title: Best jokes of 1927
Little blue book no. 869
Editor: Aubrey C. Roselle
E. Haldeman-Julius
Release date: July 18, 2026 [eBook #79125]
Language: English
Original publication: Girard: Haldeman-Julius Publications, 1928
Other information and formats: www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/79125
Credits: Tim Miller, Carla Foust, and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net
*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK BEST JOKES OF 1927 ***
LITTLE BLUE BOOK NO. =869=
Edited by E. Haldeman-Julius
Best Jokes of 1927
Edited by Aubrey C. Roselle
HALDEMAN-JULIUS PUBLICATIONS
GIRARD, KANSAS
Copyright, 1928,
Haldeman-Julius Company
PRINTED IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA
BEST JOKES OF 1927
FOREWORD
In labeling (or libeling) this tome with the more or less recondite
title “Best Jokes of 1927,” some people may be inclined to criticize
them in the name of Joe Miller. But to do so would be unfair. These
jokes are new, in fact so new that they could not possibly have been
“sprung” in any other year before 1927 Anno Domini.
To say that some of them smack or reek of the sarcophagus or that they
first saw the light of day in the thick silts from Abyssinia would be
for my critics to show their total ineptitude.
But I am maundering. What I wish to say is that each day sees so much
of the new that all our jokes of whatever color are refreshed and
reborn in an argot which would have caused great amaze both in Greece
and Egypt not to mention the United States in 1910.
My own criticism of the title is that it is wholly inadequate. It is so
much more than just a book of jokes. It is a book of self-development.
It could at once be called, “How to Love” (see page 60) and “Etiquette
for Boston Parlors” (such is the subtlety and purity of these jokes).
More than that it is an “open sesame” to most of the more sensitive
circles.
Further information about their selection would be tiresome and
tedious. It will suffice to say that they were selected from selections
that had previously been selected by the young man selected to select
them, which young man was myself.
As an added bit of information about the nature of these “wheezes”
let me add that they are not all as innocent as they appear on the
surface. _Prend garde_ therefore when you feel inclined to exchange
witticisms with your minister. He might, this is only a speculation,
he might see something reprehensible in it, that you in your innocence
had overlooked. In case you are too innocent to understand some of
these jokes, do not let your conscience bother you, for I have been
exceedingly careful to keep within the requirements of the federal Pure
Food and Drugs Act.
A. C. R.
BEST JOKES OF 1927
_Sport Writer_: Is the big colored boy in shape for the fight tonight?
_Trainer_: Yes, suh, Boss--he’s in the ink of condition.--_Life._
* * * * *
_Young Thing_: I have brought this book back; mother says it isn’t fit
for me to read.
_Librarian_: I think your mother must be mistaken.
_Young Thing_: Oh, no, she isn’t. I’ve read it all through.--_John
Bull’s Summer Annual._
* * * * *
Said the flapper, after she had introduced her new boy friend to her
parents: “What side of the family do you think I take after?”
“Well, you have your father’s eyes, nose and mouth,” the B. F. replied,
“but you got your legs from your mother.”--_Country Gentleman._
* * * * *
_Street Orator_: Nah! Any more interruptions and I finishes up--leavin’
yer ignorant of the ’orrible times in wich yer lives.--_London Opinion._
* * * * *
_Father_: I understand that young man of yours travels in rather speedy
company.
_Daughter_: Thanks for the compliment, old dear.--_American Legion
Monthly._
* * * * *
_He_: Do you believe in free love?
_She_: Yes, but let’s go to the movies first.--_Iowa Green Gander._
* * * * *
_The Cop_: HEY! Pull over to the curb!
_She_: But this isn’t where I live.--_Life._
* * * * *
“What did you do when you worked at the sawmills?”
“I came, I saw, and I sawed and sawed.”--_Washington Columns._
* * * * *
“Who were the two women you and Jack were out with last night?”
“A pair of convent girls.”
“How.”
“Oh, it was nun o’ this and nun o’ that.”--_Columbia Jester._
* * * * *
_Old Boy_ (laying out another chip):--Guess I’ll have to raise you,
sweetie!
_Young Thing_: Guess I’ll have to call you daddy.--_Stanford Chaparral._
* * * * *
_Auto Tourist_: I clearly had the right of way when this man ran into
me and yet you say I am to blame.
_Local Cop_: You certainly was.
_Autoist_: Why?
_Local Cop_: Because his father is Mayor, his brother is Chief of
Police, and I go with his sister.--_Buffalo Bison._
* * * * *
“And what do you think of the Grand Canyon, Hokku?”
“Just gorges, Anaximander, just gorges.”--_Nebraska Awgwan._
* * * * *
_Crawford_: These Red outrages should be stopped.
_Crabshaw_: They’re bringing the country to a terrible pass. The other
night when I was going home with a bottle of Scotch a cop stopped me to
see if I was carrying a bomb.--_Life._
* * * * *
_Hot_: My woman is a regular siren.
_Dog_: She must be handy to have around when it’s foggy.--_Columbian
Jester._
* * * * *
_Mrs. Methuselah_: Did you have anything in the mail, dear?
_Methuselah_: Nothing but another brochure from the
“Book-of-the-Century” people.--_Life._
* * * * *
“Will your husband accompany you to Paris?”
“Hardly. Taking a husband to Paris would be like carrying coals to
Newcastle.”--_Judge._
* * * * *
“You should be driving a truck instead of playing on a basket-ball
team.”
“This ain’t the time for you to be offensive.”--_Notre Dame Juggler._
* * * * *
_Grocer_: A thief entered my store last night and took every thing but
a box of soap.
_Judge_: The dirty crook.--_Lehigh Burr._
* * * * *
“I think I’ll commit suicide.”
“Good, but turn off the gas when you’re through.”--_Oregon Webfoot._
* * * * *
_Prof._ (in class before quiz):--The quiz questions are in the hands of
the printer. Now are there any questions anyone has to ask?
_Bright Stude_:--Who is the printer?--_Iowa Frivol._
* * * * *
_Doctor_: There must be something radically wrong with your system;
I’ll have to find out what it is.
_Patient_: But, Doctor, it can’t be too bad; I backed three winners
last Saturday.--_Aussie._
* * * * *
To a Jewish ex-service man an acquaintance remarked: “So you were in
the army, Ikey?”
“Oh, I vas in the army,” was the proud response.
“Did you get a commission?”
“No; only my vages!”--_Tit Bits._
* * * * *
_Terry_: Isn’t your friend Clark pretty slow?
_Jerry_: I should say not--it took him four hours to drive his new
sweetie fifteen miles home from a dance last night.--_Life._
* * * * *
“I don’t like the look o’ that there ’addick.”
“Well, if it’s looks yer arter, why don’t yer buy GOLDFISH?”--_Gaiety._
* * * * *
_He_: When you promised to obey at the altar you waived certain rights.
_She_: Yes, but it wasn’t a permanent waive.--_Answers._
* * * * *
_Assistant_: Have you an account with this house, madam?
_Customer_: No, but maybe I can arrange matters with your manager.
_Assistant_ (to manager): A lady of no account to see you,
sir.--_Passing Show._
* * * * *
If writers and poets starve in attics it’s their own fault. There’s
much more inspiration to be found in cellars.--_Judge._
* * * * *
_Teacher_: What great law is Newton credited with discovering?
_The Class_ (in unison): The bigger they are the harder they
fall.--_Carnegie Puppet._
* * * * *
“You probably don’t remember me,” began the self-made man proudly, “but
twenty years ago when I was a poor, humble boy, you gave me a message
to carry.”
“Yes, yes,” cried the busy man, “where’s the answer?”--_Buffalo Bison._
* * * * *
“Would you be good enough to look after my car?”
“Sir! I am the mayor of this town!”
“That doesn’t matter. You look to me to be an honest man!”--_Buen
Humor_ (Madrid).
* * * * *
_Percy_: What do you think of Brown?
_Patrick_: He is one of those people that pat you on the back before
your face and hit you in the face behind your back.--_Answers._
* * * * *
_Freddy_: Father, what is an egotist?
_Father_: An egotist, my son, is a man who tells you those things about
himself which you intended to tell him about yourself.--_Tit Bits._
* * * * *
“Your daughter seems devoted to tennis.”
“No, she detests it. But she has such wonderful legs for jumping over
the net.”--_Life._
* * * * *
“What, lady, not fresh? Eggs from the country?”
“What country?”--_Le Rire_ (Paris).
* * * * *
“How did the Smith wedding come off?”
“Fine until the preacher asked the bride if she would obey her husband.”
“What happened then?”
“She replied, ‘Do you think I’m crazy?’ and the groom, who was in a
sort of a daze, replied, ‘I do.’”--_Cornell Widow._
* * * * *
_Youth_: I just tore up that sonnet I wrote last week.
_Damsel_: Tore it up? Why, that was the best thing you ever
did.--_Wisconsin Octopus._
* * * * *
“My dear I am afraid that poor Lady X has had a sad disappointment
over her Memoirs. Why, the book wasn’t even withdrawn from
publication!”--_Putnam Book News._
* * * * *
“My girl is divine.”
“Yours may be de vine, but mine’s de berries.”--_Carnegie Tech. Puppet._
* * * * *
_Taxi Driver_ (after patron pays fare)--Here’s your receipt, sir.
_Patron_--Ah, I see. Did I buy the car?--_Denison Flamingo._
* * * * *
“What’s plural for whim?”
“Women.”--_Pitt Panther._
* * * * *
_Cop_--Who was driving when you hit that car?
_Drunk_ (triumphantly)--None of us; we was all on th’ back
seat.--_Virginia Reel._
* * * * *
_Padre_--Do you take this woman for butter or for wurst?
_Hardre_--Oh, liver alone, I never sausage nerve!--_Virginia Reel._
* * * * *
Are you old enough to remember when some of the stores advertised
“Yankee Notions?”--so you dye your hair, do you?--_The Kansas City
Star._
* * * * *
_Charlady_: She wanted me to have a finger in the pie, but I smelt a
rat an’ nipped it in the bud.
_Cook_: Lor’, Mrs. Jones, ’ow you do mix your semaphores.--_Ohio State
Journal._
* * * * *
“Has Connie left for the dance?”
“I think she must have, I see her clothes on the bed.”--_The Pink ’Un._
* * * * *
_She_: Do you think that Princeton man really meant to hurt you when he
hit you with that seal ring?
_Harvard Veteran_: Well, he certainly gave me that impression.--_Life._
* * * * *
The most profligate occupant of a sublet apartment has been located. He
uses the player piano rolls to wrap up his laundry.--_The New York Sun._
* * * * *
“How much do you pay a week for room?”
“Well, some expressmen charge me a dollar, others seventy-five
cents.”--_Western Reserve Red Cat._
* * * * *
Alas, poor Blimson, I know him well. He is in the Hospital. The doctors
mildly term it “acute alcoholism.” If he dies, I suppose it can be
charged to supersociability. I thought he had more sense than to drink
from a stranger’s flask.
“Why didn’t you offer him some of yours first?” I asked, as I sat by
the bed and held his hand.
“I did intend to,” he moaned. “But he beat me to the draw.”--_New
Orleans Times-Picayune._
* * * * *
“What is a detour?”
“The roughest distance between two points.”--_Christian Science
Monitor._
* * * * *
“Let’s go to the theatre.”
“Haven’t a thing to wear.”
“Then what say we take in an opera?”--_Western Reserve Red Cat._
* * * * *
Louisa, the colored kitchen maid, was from the country but she was
energetic and learned fast. Part of her duties was to water the fern
and change the water in the goldfish bowl. Her mistress asked her on
the second day:
“Did you remember to empty the water under the refrigerator?”
“Yes, ma’am, I emptied it and put in fresh water.”--_Charleston News
and Courier._
* * * * *
_Mistress_ (to departing Maid who has asked for reference): Of course,
Mary, I shall have to tell Mrs. Brown of your uncontrollable temper.
_Mary_: Thenk you very much, Mum. It’ll p’raps make ’er mind ’er p’s
and q’s.--_Punch._
* * * * *
_Edith_: I saw Helen yesterday and we had the loveliest confidential
chat together.
_Ethel_: I thought so; she wouldn’t speak to me today.--_The Boston
Transcript._
* * * * *
_Social Worker_--Do you believe in the transmigration of souls?
_Fisherman_--Well, no, sir. I likes ’em fried in the ordinary
way.--_Kokomo Humorist._
* * * * *
“Tommy, how many wars was Spain engaged in during the seventeenth
century?”
“Seven, sir.”
“Seven? Enumerate them.”
“One, two, three, four, five, six, seven.”--_Tit Bits._
* * * * *
_Kitty_--Jane has had her face lifted.
_Katty_--What did they use, a windlass?--_Penn State Froth._
* * * * *
_Alla_--What is so rare as a day in June?
_Gazzam_--A charity bazaar in Scotland.--_Ohio State Sun Dial._
* * * * *
_Tramp_--“Have you a piece of cake, lady, to give a poor man who hasn’t
had a bite for two days?”
“Cake? Isn’t bread good enough for you?”
“Ordinarily, yes ma’am, but this is my birthday.”--_Pitt Panther._
* * * * *
_Her_--So your father lost all his fortune in the peanut industry?
_Him_--Yes, someone stole the stand.--_North Carolina Buccaneer._
* * * * *
_Stranger_--I represent a society for the prevention of profanity. I
want to take profanity entirely out of your life and--
_Jones_ (calling to his wife)--I say, Mary; here’s a man who wants to
buy our car!--_Tit Bits._
* * * * *
“Great news, old man. I’m engaged to a beautiful woman and an
intelligent one.”
“Fine! Which one are you going to marry?”--_Northwestern Purple Parrot._
* * * * *
_Voice on Phone_--John Smith is sick and is unable to attend classes
today. He requested me to notify you.
_Dr. Wilhelm_--All right. Who is this speaking?
_Voice_--This is my roommate.--_M. I. T. Voo Doo._
* * * * *
“Did you barely escape from that fire last night?”
“No, I had my pajamas on.”--_N. Y. U. Medley._
* * * * *
“What’s a college professor?”
“He’s the person who gets the money that’s left after the athletic
coaches are paid off.”--_Carnegie Puppet._
* * * * *
_She_--I lost my gold pencil.
_He_--You should have had a string on it.
_She_--I did. I lost that, too.--_Dennison Flamingo._
* * * * *
“Your name?”
“Miss Smith.”
“Here, have one of your old man’s cough drops.”--_Rutgers Chanticleer._
* * * * *
“Last night a man at the hotel wanted to bet he could whip anybody in
the lobby.”
“My word!”
“The elevator boy took him up.”--_Louisville Satyr._
* * * * *
“I understand there is a ban on the new Oxford bags?”
“Yes, they say several men have gone crazy trying to find their legs so
that they could pull up their socks.”--_Northwestern Purple Parrot._
* * * * *
“I think that girl over there dislikes me!”
“Why?”
“She’s just pulled down her skirt!”--_The Pink ’Un._
* * * * *
_The Lady_--What d’yer mean by insultin’ my sister?
_The Gent_--I never insulted ’er. All I sez was that if ’er face was
’er fortune, she ought ter be arrested for tryin’ to pass counterfeit
money.--_Passing Show._
* * * * *
“My boy,” said the patronizing man, as he handed around the Flor de
Toofas, “that’s something of a cigar!”
“So it is,” responded the victim, after he had taken a puff or two;
“what is it?”--_Tit Bits._
* * * * *
“Marie doesn’t go out as often as she used to.”
“Ah, settled and become a nice, quiet stay-at-home, eh?”
“No, I mean she carries her liquor better.”--_Judge._
* * * * *
_Jim_--Why don’t you go home?
_Will_--My wife’s mad at me and locked me out.
_Jim_--What’s she mad about?
_Will_--Because I don’t come home.--_Toronto Goblin._
* * * * *
“Say, what’s that building there?”
“Where?”
“You looked too late. It’s gone.”--_Yale Record._
* * * * *
_Fan_--How about your team? Are they good losers?
_Coach_ (after a disastrous season)--Good? Hell, they’re
perfect.--_Oklahoma Whirlwind._
* * * * *
_He_--How about a little ride, Cutie?
_She_--Are you going north?
_He_--Yes, I am.
_She_--Give my regards to the Eskimos.--_Toronto Goblin._
* * * * *
_Living Skeleton_--What’s become of the India rubber woman?
_Dwarf_--The boss just bounced her.--_California Pelican._
* * * * *
A plumber was recently given a fortune by one of his customers.
We seem to remember having paid one or two little bills like
that.--_Everybody’s Weekly._
* * * * *
“I was shocked to hear that Peter had eloped with your wife. I thought
he was your best friend.”
“He is, but he doesn’t know it yet.”--_Toronto Goblin._
* * * * *
_Customer_--Chicken croquettes, please.
_Waiter_--Fowl ball!!!--_Amherst Lord Jeff._
* * * * *
_Benevolent Visitor_: Do any of your friends ever come here to see you?
_Convict 131313_: No, mam, they’re all here wit’ me.--_M. I. T. Voo
Doo._
* * * * *
_One With Cigarette_--Dick went on another wet party last night.
_One Without_--Well, do we have to bail him out again?--_V. M. I.
Sniper._
* * * * *
“Not happy! With so beautiful a bride? Why, man, you got the girl who
was the talk of the town.”
“So I discover.”--_Cornell Widow._
* * * * *
_Lecturer_--Can anyone give the derivation of the word auditorium?
_Listener_--Yes--from the word AUDIO--hear, and TAURUS--bull. A place
where you--
_Lecturer_--That will do.--_Washington Dirge._
* * * * *
_Proud Mother_--Do you know, only yesterday Baby threw all her clothes
out the nursery window.
_Fatuous Visitor_--By Jove! Rather a stroke of luck she wasn’t wearin’
them at the time, what!--_Humorist._
* * * * *
_Ruth_--Don’t ’e let fayther see ’e kissin’ me.
_Reuben_--I bain’t kissin’ ’e.
_Ruth_--Oh, well, I thought I’d tell ’e in case.--_London Opinion._
* * * * *
_Golfer_--Can you give me a caddie who doesn’t giggle all the time?
_Caddie Master_--Well--there’s old Mac over there hasn’t smiled for
forty years--but of course, I can’t guarantee him!--_Passing Show._
* * * * *
“We have a new home.”
“Well, when did this happen?”
“This vacation. You see, mother brought the loveliest door knob from
Europe, so we built a house to go around it.”--_California Pelican._
* * * * *
“Ella attracts the men, doesn’t she?”
“Yes, her father is a steel magnate.”--_Tit Bits._
* * * * *
_Semite_--Some burglars got into the Sem last night, bound me to a
chair and gagged me.
_Frosh_--Then what did you do?
_Semite_--Why, I sat around all night and chewed the rag.--_Bucknell
Bell Hop._
* * * * *
“Why does the woman prisoner call herself an ex-wife?”
“X marks the spot where her husband’s body was found.”--_Stanford
Chaparral._
* * * * *
(In the cinema)--“Excuse me, madam, but do you mind coughing more
quietly so that I may be better able to hear your friend read out the
sub-titles?”--_London Opinion._
* * * * *
_The Wife_--I think we’d better go now, George, now you’ve started
cracking grapes with a nut-cracker.--_Sketch._
* * * * *
“I say, old chap, didn’t I borrow five pounds of you last week?”
“No, you didn’t.”
“How careless of me! Could you let me have it now?”--_Tit Bits._
* * * * *
“Will you kindly exchange this currant bun for one of more recent
currency?”--_Passing Show._
* * * * *
“Is he intelligent?”
“Well, he has one of the best collections of suppressed books that I
know of.”--_Judge._
* * * * *
A college student arose from his table in a fashionable dining-room
and walked toward the door. He was passing the house detective at the
entrance when a silver sugar bowl dropped from his bulging coat.
The guest glanced calmly at the officer, then turned toward the
occupants of the room. “Ruffians,” he said, “Who threw that?” and
walked out.--_Stanford Chaparral._
* * * * *
“My goodness!” exclaimed the old lady on the bus, “isn’t the traffic
thick?”
“It’s not the traffic,” grunted the conductor, “it’s the cops.”--_Brown
Jug._
* * * * *
_Briggs_--Why have you got the end wall of your garage on hinges?
_Griggs_--My wife can’t always stop the car.--_Answers._
* * * * *
“Father, what is a suicide?”
“A suicide, my son, is a person who has reached college without finding
that there was no Santa Claus.”--_Cornell Widow._
* * * * *
“I wish I had lived three hundred years ago.”
“Why?”
“I shouldn’t have had so much history to learn.”--_Buen Humor_ (Madrid).
* * * * *
_Judge_--The policeman says you were traveling at a speed of sixty
miles an hour.
_Prisoner_--It was necessary, Your Honor; I had stolen the car.
_Judge_--Oh, that’s different. Case dismissed.--_Carolina Buccaneer._
* * * * *
“Do you girls really like conceited men better than the other kind?”
“What other kind?”--_London Opinion._
* * * * *
It is said that radio broadcasting will eventually lead to the
acceptance of English as the international language. Not, however,
without the strenuous opposition of Mayor Thompson.--_A. C. R._
* * * * *
“Talking about little burgs,” said the traveling man, “reminds me of
the time I was in the smallest town I know of. Why, that town was so
small that they painted ‘Come Again’ on the back of the ‘Welcome’
sign.”--_Western Reserve Red Cat._
* * * * *
_Joe_--Is he stuck up?
_Moe_--Is he stuck up! Why he even put Hyatt bearings in his
car!--_Stevens Tech Stone Mill._
* * * * *
“Use the word ‘Texas’ in a sentence.”
“To hell with Income Texas.”--_Ohio State Sun Dial._
* * * * *
“How’s huntin’ out Chicago way?”
“Purty good. Got a nice mounted policeman in my trophy room.”--_Ohio
Hobo._
* * * * *
_First Tragedian_: Zounds, Horace, why aren’t you working? Aren’t you
with the road show of “Macbeth”?
_Second Nut_: Correct, Knave, but they’re repairing the road.--_Ohio
State Sun Dial._
* * * * *
An old countryman, who had been to London for the first time on
business, returned in a bad temper.
“At that hotel,” he complained, “they kept the light in my bed room
burning all night. I couldn’t get a wink of sleep.”
“Why didn’t you blow it out?” asked his wife.
“Blow it out?” said the old man. “I couldn’t. It was in a
bottle!”--_Pearsons._
* * * * *
“Have you had any trouble in meeting your expenses?”
“Not a bit. I’m always running into them.”--_London Opinion._
* * * * *
“Did you know I was a life-saver last summer?”
“Really, what flavor?”--_Columbia Jester._
* * * * *
_Host_: What do you think of these cigars? I got them from an airplane
pilot.
_Guest_: What does he use them for--sky-writing?--_London Opinion._
* * * * *
“Yes,” said the visitor from Boston, “I just came down for a few days
to read a book.”--_New York Evening Post._
* * * * *
_Evelyn_: Is Betty left handed?
_Doris_: No, engaged.--_Boston Transcript._
* * * * *
_R. O._: Galli Curci sings high.
_T. C._: Yeah; three plunks too much for a concert.--_Washington
Columns._
* * * * *
“The preacher used very poor discretion Sunday.”
“How’s that?”
“His text was, ‘A Fool and His Money Are Soon Parted,’ and soon after
the sermon he passed the collection plate.”--_Western Reserve Red Cat._
* * * * *
_He_--Name the five senses.
_Abie_--Nickels.--_Tennessee Mugwump._
* * * * *
_Stu_--What is Jack so pleased about?
_Dent_--Why he’s got an idea that will make him a millionaire.
_Stu_--An idea worth millions! What is it?
_Dent_--A cake of flying soap for shower-baths.--_Virginia Reel._
* * * * *
Our idea of a lazy collegiate is the one who pretends he’s drunk so his
fraternity brothers will put him to bed.--_Ohio Hobo._
* * * * *
_Stout Theatrical Person_ (engaging room)--Window’s a bit small in case
of emergency!
_Landlady_--There ain’t goin’ to be any sich emergency! My terms to
actors is weekly in advance!--_London Opinion._
* * * * *
Two fathers of college seniors were discussing their sons:
“Why, my son is so lazy that he wants to open an ice factory in Alaska.”
“Why, man, my son would like to get a job with your son as a
bookkeeper.”--_V. M. I. Sniper._
* * * * *
The latest wedding-ring is to be very thin and narrow. The
old-fashioned, cumbersome affair, of course, was made to last a
lifetime.--_Passing Show._
* * * * *
“Isn’t Mary old-fashioned?”
“Oh, how?”
“She thinks she’ll have to go to heaven to see the angels her husband
talks about in his sleep.”--_Everybody’s Weekly._
* * * * *
_Friend_--I just saw a young man trying to kiss your daughter.
_Modern Mother_--Did he succeed?
“No.”
“Then it wasn’t my daughter.”--_Answers._
* * * * *
_Actor_--The first night I played there, sir, the town stormed the
ticket-office!
_Cynic_--Rotten luck! And, of course, you had to give ’em their money
back?--_Sydney Bulletin._
* * * * *
_Doc_--Give me a short definition of a polygon.
_Pupil_--A polygon is a dead parrot.--_Buffalo Bison._
* * * * *
_Tax Collector_ (to young man who has just asked for daughter’s
hand)--Young man, how can you possibly keep my daughter on the salary
that you return?--_London Opinion._
* * * * *
_Harold_--Which would be worse, for me to be run over by a bus or tram,
or to tear my knickers?
_Mother_--Why, to be run over by a bus, of course.
_Harold_--That’s good. I’ve just torn my knickers.--_Passing Show._
* * * * *
_First Parent_--Ain’t college wonderful? Thaddeus is majoring in
bootlegging and Boadicea in sex appeal.--_Judge._
* * * * *
_Singer_--Do you know, “I’m Just Breezing Along With the Breeze”?
_Player_--No, but I’ll follow you on the piano.--_Brown Jug._
* * * * *
“Give me a sentence using ‘kith’ and ‘kin.’”
“I’ll kith you as often as I kin.”--_Utah Humbug._
* * * * *
A conductor fears no one--he tells them all where to get off.--_Ohio
State Sun Dial._
* * * * *
_Judge_--You admit you ran over this man, drove around the block and
ran over him again?
_Driver_--Yes, your honor.
“What have you to say in your defense?”
“I didn’t know I got him the first time.”--_Stevens Stone Mill._
* * * * *
_He_--D’ya know fish is brain food?
_Haw_--Naw, how come?
“It takes knowledge to open a can of sardines.”--_Penn Punch Bowl._
* * * * *
“Jack’s always up to date, isn’t he?”
“I’ll say so! He’s trying to put four-wheel brakes on his bicycle
now.”--_Texas Ranger._
* * * * *
_He_--I do hope you will pardon my dancing on your feet--I’m a little
out of practice.
_She_--I don’t mind your dancing on them. It’s the continual jumping on
and off them that aggravates me.--_Alleghany Alligator._
* * * * *
_Drunk_--Shay, where does Tom Maloney live?
_Friend_--Why, you’re Tom--old boy.
“Shure, but where does he live?”--_Carnegie Puppet._
* * * * *
_First Student_--Good gosh! They’re advertising shoe shines for five
cents, let’s get one.
_Second Student_--Aw, they’re probably no good, and besides I’ve got on
my room-mate’s shoes.--_Alabama Rammer Jammer._
* * * * *
“Waiter--pleash brig me a dish prunish.”
“Stewed, sir?”
“Shut your mouth and get the prunish.”--_Illinois Siren._
* * * * *
_Judge_--How did you get in this condition?
_Prisoner_--I wash putting shome hair reshtorer on m’ moustache an’ th’
bottle shlipped!--_Judge._
* * * * *
“Do you mean to tell me that you have lived here ten years and cannot
tell me the quickest way to the station?”
“I’ve been a taxi driver all these years.”--_Notre Dame Juggler._
* * * * *
_Guide_ (to tour party at the Ford plant)--Do you know what would
happen if that man on the right side ever missed a day at work?
_Interested Onlooker_--No, what would happen?
“Two thousand two hundred and sixty-one Fords would go out of the
factory without springs.”
“Say, Mister, that fellow has been sick a lot, hasn’t he?”--_Minnesota
Ski-U-Mah._
* * * * *
“What is the past tense of marry?”
“Divorce.”--_Utah Humbug._
* * * * *
_He_--Is that girl a prude?
_Him_--I’ll say. She’s such a prude that when she dines out she orders
bosom instead of breast of chicken.--_Penn Punch Bowl._
* * * * *
“Yes,” said the oculist, “he had a peculiar affliction; everything he
looked at he saw double.”
“Poor fellow. I suppose he found it hard to get a job?”
“Not at all. The gas company snapped him up, and now he’s reading
meters.”--_Tit Bits._
* * * * *
_Applicant_ (to magistrate)--I want some advice about my husband, sir.
He left me twenty-five years ago and I ain’t seen him since.
_Magistrate_--Well?
“What about me having a separation?”--_Tit Bits._
* * * * *
The skin of the human palm is seventy-six times as thick as that of the
eyelid. Nevertheless it is so sensitive that the touch of a piece of
paper the size of a treasury note will cause a waiter’s hand to clench
convulsively.--_Passing Show._
* * * * *
_Office Boy_--Lady to see you, sir.
_Busy Employer_--Tell her I’m engaged.
“That’s what she’s come to see you about, sir. You were to have married
her today.”--_Tit Bits._
* * * * *
_Laundry Manager_: Morning, sir!
_Customer_: Ah, good morning! I--er--don’t want to complain. I
would like a little more shirt on my cuffs when they come back next
time.--_Answers._
* * * * *
“Now, then, what should a polite little boy say to a lady who has given
him a penny for carrying her parcels?”
“I am too polite to say it, madam.”--_Table Talk_ (Melbourne).
* * * * *
_Dorothy_--Why are you beating Willie like that?
_Willie’s Father_--You see, tomorrow afternoon he will bring home
his school report and I have to go away before breakfast in the
morning.--_Passing Show._
* * * * *
_Dear Old Gentleman_--Inspector, I told you last week that my
pocketbook had been stolen. It was a mistake, I have found it.
_Inspector_--You have come too late, sir, much too late. We caught the
thief yesterday.--_Passing Show._
* * * * *
“Why didn’t you answer the elevator man when he said ‘up’?”
“I thought he was having indigestion.”--_Vassar Vagabond._
* * * * *
_Customer_--You said this blanket is all wool, and it is plainly marked
“cotton.”
_Clerk_--Well, you see, we marked it that way to fool the
moths.--_Tenn. Mugwump._
* * * * *
“Bill’s nowhere near the fool he was.”
“Has he reformed?”
“No, he’s dieting.”--_Dartmouth Jack O’ Lantern._
* * * * *
_Rockne_--Athletics are becoming very general in America.
_Stagg_--Yes. Take football games for instance. Twenty-two men play the
game while 50,000 stage a drinking bout.--_Carnegie Puppet._
* * * * *
“Her mind is essentially modern.”
“How do you mean?”
“She never seems to have much on it.”--_Everybody’s Weekly._
* * * * *
“The trouble with many men,” says the West End tailor, “is that
they don’t know what to do with their hands.” Our bridge partner is
invariably one of them.--_Humorist._
* * * * *
_Mrs. Newrich_ (looking over house plan)--What’s this thing going to be?
_Architect_--That is an Italian staircase.
“Just a waste of money. We probably won’t ever have any Italians coming
to see us.”--_Answers._
* * * * *
_Clairvoyant_--Your path is beset. Soon you will have to choose between
a beautiful woman and a fortune.
_Puerile Person_--Well, the money won’t matter. I inherited half a
million!
“That is the fortune to which I am referring.”--_London Opinion._
* * * * *
“Never borrow money from that man, he’s a Shylock. In winter he takes
fifty per cent and in summer sixty.”
“But why does he take more in the summer?”
“Because the days are longer.”--_Pele Mele_ (Paris).
* * * * *
_Long Suffering Tailor_--You recently inherited money. Why not pay me
what you owe me?
_His Client_--I wouldn’t like people to think that inheriting money has
changed my habits.--_Answers._
* * * * *
“Hank jest got married.”
“Wot? An’ him jest outa jail, too!”--_Judge._
* * * * *
_Customer_ (in haberdashery)--I would like to see a tie in which blue
predominates.
_Clerk_--Here’s one in which blue predominates, but the purple in it
predominates even more, I think.--_Boston Transcript._
* * * * *
Laundries charge because they have to hire extra help for pulling off
buttons.--_Kansas Sour Owl._
* * * * *
A tourist who had stopped at a mountaineer’s cabin down in the Ozarks,
noticed four holes in the door.
_Tourist_--Friend, I do not like to be inquisitive, but what are the
four holes in your door for?
_Mountaineer_--Wal, yo’ see, I has four cats.
“But wouldn’t one good-sized hole do for all the cats?”
“H--l, when I say ‘Scat!’ I mean ‘Scat!’”--_Kansas Sour Owl._
* * * * *
“I wonder if you could tell me where I could get a drink?”
“Sir, I am only a street car conductor. You are the fourth man to
mistake me for a policeman this afternoon.”--_Wesleyan Wasp._
* * * * *
She was only a telephone girl, but she severed my connection with the
university.--_Alabama Rammer Jammer._
* * * * *
A certain man was suspected by his wife of receiving phone calls from
other women. About twelve o’clock one night the following conversation
could be heard:
_Husband_--Hello, Elmer.
“Is this you, Elmer?”
“You are Elmer?”
“Yes, I would, Elmer.”
“Certainly, I will, Elmer.”
“No, Elmer. All right, Elmer.”
“Of course I will, Elmer.”
“Well, goodby, Elmer.”
Then the man turned to his suspicious wife and said: “That was Elmer,
dear.”--_Missouri Outlaw._
* * * * *
“Hear about Jack? Went out too far in the ocean and drowned.”
“It surfs him right.”--_Pennsylvania Punch Bowl._
* * * * *
_First Housewife_--Yes, I heard the noise and got up, and there, under
the bed I saw a leg.
_Second Ditto_--Good heavens! The burglar’s?
“No; my husband’s. He had heard the noise, too.”--_Answers._
* * * * *
A new airplane is equipped with a kitchen. When the cook wants to
toss a pancake, he simply stands still and asks the pilot to loop the
loop.--_Humorist._
* * * * *
_Globe Trotter_: I’ll have to give it to your race, Mr. Goldstein. In
every land I have visited I have found Hebrews with the exception of
Alaska.
_Mr. Goldstein_: Alaska? Vell, I don’t know, but Iceberg ain’t no
Presbyterian name, y’know.--_Capper’s Weekly._
* * * * *
_Doorkeeper_--Sorry, sir, one ticket won’t admit two of you.
_Reveler_--But hang it, I’m dressed up as a Siamese twin, and my friend
is merely a part of the costume.--_Humorist._
* * * * *
“My carburetor is out of order, but I think I can put it right.”
“Have you a mechanical bent?”
“No, but perhaps my neighbor has one. I’ll borrow it.”--_Answers._
* * * * *
_He_--Darling, I’ve made up my mind to stay at home.
_She_--Too late, dearest, I’ve made up my face to go out.--_Judge._
* * * * *
_Captain_ (to Irishman applying for job on board a ship)--Have you ever
been to sea before?
_The Son of Erin_--Do you think I came over from Oirelin in a
cab?--_Answers._
* * * * *
_Jimmy_--For two cents I’d knock your block off.
_Junior_--So you’ve turned professional!--_Life._
* * * * *
“I don’t believe in the obligation of the state to find work for its
citizens.”
“Neither do I, but why are you so strong about it?”
“My brother’s just got six months’ hard labor.”--_Dublin Opinion._
* * * * *
“When Betty got married we girls gave her a shower.”
“Yeah? I’ll bet her husband was glad to get her nice and clean.”--_Penn
State Froth._
* * * * *
_Ethel_--And do you think he will love me even more when we are married?
_Mabel_--Oh, sure! Why he is just crazy about a married woman, my
dear.--_Life._
* * * * *
“Mr. Druggist, is this lipstick kissproof?”
“Yes, miss. Will you have a test?”--_Louisville Courier Journal._
* * * * *
_Professor_ (to frosh)--Mr. Holstein, spell banana.
_Frosh_--B-a-n-an-a-n-an-a-n-a ... darnit, professor, I know how to
spell it, but I don’t know when to stop.--_Northwestern Purple Parrot._
* * * * *
_Bridegroom_--As soon as our wedding was over we drove away in our car.
_Friend_--Where did you spend the honeymoon?
_Bridegroom_--In the hospital.--_Lustice Koelner Zeitung._
* * * * *
“You told me that horse you sold me would never give me any trouble.”
“Yes.”
“Well, he dropped dead while I was taking him home.”
“I only said he wouldn’t give you trouble; now I guarantee
it.”--_Judge._
* * * * *
“Excuse me, but this is your opera hat. I find I’ve been sitting on it.”
“Yes, it’s mine all right, but it’s not an opera hat.”--_Passing Show._
* * * * *
“Mamma, are you going to get that fur coat from daddy for your
birthday?”
“No, darling.”
“Have you tried throwing yourself on the floor and kicking like I
do?”--_Everybody’s Weekly._
* * * * *
“That girl gave me her phone number and it was certainly a descriptive
one.”
“What was it?”
“8888.”--_Judge._
* * * * *
_Lady_--Are you sure these lobsters are fresh?
_Fishmonger_--Madam, they are positively insulting.--_Iowa Frivol._
* * * * *
“Look here, Rastus, I am paying you to cut that wood? What’s Mose doing
it for? Did you hire him?”
“Yassuh, Ah is gwine to pay him $1.25 for the job.”
“But I was to pay you only a dollar.”
“Yassuh, but it’s wuth a quatah jus’ to be boss foh once.”--_Capper’s
Weekly._
* * * * *
_Angel_--I’m so sorry, we’ll have to stop. The car has run out of gas.
_Chlorine_--Oh, that’s all right. I brought a flask of gasoline
along.--_Pitt Panther._
* * * * *
_Chicago Mother_--And, now, my dear, go in and shoot father good
night.--_Virginia Reel._
* * * * *
_Husband_--Luella, I have a confession to make!
_Wife_--Oh, goody! Now I can try out my new revolver!--_Judge._
* * * * *
_New Patient_--For weeks I’ve been fighting a terrible desire to kill
myself, doctor.
_Medico_--Tut tut!
“But I’ve decided that suicide is a sin; so I’ve come to
you.”--_Answers._
* * * * *
“I had a ‘telephone date’ tonight.”
“A wiry guy?”
“No, a local operator.”--_M. I. T. Voo Doo._
* * * * *
In Vienna an operatic tenor has been shot.
But only because his wife was jealous.--_The Pink ’Un._
* * * * *
_Voice_ (outside door)--Here’s a message from your friend in the next
room, sir.
_Gentleman_ (in bed)--Push it under the door.
_Voice_--I can’t, sir; I should spill it.--_Tatler._
* * * * *
_Wife_--I think I’ve seen this play “Asbestos” before.
_Hubby_--Wife, don’t show your ignorance. That is a Latin word meaning
“Welcome.”--_Stevens Tech. Stone Mill._
* * * * *
_Jones_--Well, you’re married now, aren’t you?
_Smith_--Yes. I’ve been married two years. Two long years. Two long
years too long.--_Pennsylvania Punch Bowl._
* * * * *
“Father got so tough we had to kill him.”
“Ah, he died hard.”--_Cornell Widow._
* * * * *
“Am I the kind of a girl you would give your name to?”
“Yes, but not my real name.”--_Texas Ranger._
* * * * *
_He_--I’ve come to St. Louis to make an honest living.
_Hee_--Well, there’s not much competition.--_Washington Dirge._
* * * * *
_Mrs. Grub_ (after a tiff)--When I married you I didn’t know you were
such a coward. I thought you were a brave man.
_Grub_--So did everybody else.--_Answers._
* * * * *
“The nerve of that guy offering me ten dollars a week. What does he
think I am--a college graduate?”--_Cynic._
* * * * *
“Hallo, what are you doing here, old fellow?”
“I am on my honeymoon.”
“Where’s your wife?”
“Well, somebody must stay at home and look after the shop.”--_Prague
Press._
* * * * *
_Mrs. Greene_--Mary, how can you tell an old chicken from a young one?
_Mary_--By the teeth, ma’am.
“How silly! A chicken has no teeth.”
“No; but I have.”--_Answers._
* * * * *
“Baby’s getting on wonderfully--I’m sure she’ll be able to walk soon.”
“D’you think it’s worth the trouble of teaching her--hardly anybody
walks much nowadays.”--_Prague Press._
* * * * *
It was a cool, clear evening in June. They were drifting slowly over
the placid surface of the little mountain lake. Conversation had
languished. The weather and the rest of the guests at the hotel had
been discussed. At last a thought struck him.
“Have you heard our echo?” he asked; “it’s quite famous.”
“Oh, no; I’d love to,” she responded breathlessly.
“All right. Here goes; now listen--Halloo!”
“_Halloo._”
“What are you doing?”
“_None of your d--n business._”--_Stevens Tech Stone Mill._
* * * * *
“What do you feed your dog on--table scraps?”
“Yes’m, and believe me, he gets an earful.”--_Judge._
* * * * *
“My pen is my upkeep.”
“Are you an author?”
“Gosh, no. I raise hogs.”--_Oklahoma Whirlwind._
* * * * *
_Landlady_--I think you had better board elsewhere.
_Boarder_--Yes, I often have.
_Landlady_--Often had what?
_Boarder_--Had better board elsewhere.--_M. I. T. Voo Doo._
* * * * *
“Lay down, pup; lay down!” ordered the man. “Good doggie--lay down, I
say.”
“You’ll have to say ‘Lie down,’ Mister,” declared a small bystander.
“That’s a Boston terrier.”--_M. I. T. Voo Doo._
* * * * *
Two stuttering blacksmiths had finished heating a piece of pig iron,
and one placed it upon the anvil with a pair of tongs.
“H-h-h-h-hit it,” he stuttered to his helper.
“Wh-wh-wh--where?” asked the other.
“Ah, h-h-h-h-hell, we’ll have to h-h-heat it again now.”--_Oklahoma
Whirlwind._
* * * * *
“Dost know the Beer Dance, Shikh-Salah?”
“Nay, Ceghier-Ben-Alah, nay.”
“Oh, surely thou dost know. The one with all the hops in
it.”--_Virginia Reel._
* * * * *
_First Drunk Man on Street Car_--Shay, wot time ish it?
_Second Ditto, pulling out knife_--Ish Wednesday.
_First Drunk_--Shtop the car, ash where I get off.--_Buffalo Bison._
* * * * *
“What has become of Schmidt?”
“He went to America and has made a name for himself there.”
“How?”
“He calls himself Smith now!”--_Nebelspalter_ (Zurich).
* * * * *
_Traveler_--Why didn’t they build this hotel more than three stories
high?
_Hop_--Well, they figured to build it higher, but their elevator cable
wasn’t long enough to reach four stories.--_Oregon Orange Owl._
* * * * *
“Do you believe in dreams, daddy?” asked Jink’s little son.
“I used to,” replied Jinks, “until I married one.”--_Tid-Bits._
* * * * *
_Bobby_--Pa, what is status quo?
_Pa_--Something that comes in over the radio, I think.--_Judge._
* * * * *
_Billings_--What, didn’t you duck when she threw that case at you?
_Barnum_--I did; but she allowed for the duck.--_Judge._
* * * * *
“Is Mable’s new evening dress in style?”
“Well, it might have been in Adam and Eve’s time.”--_Texas Ranger._
* * * * *
_Fan_--Look! Harvard is going to kick off.
_Cynic_--Heck!! They’ve been dead for years.--_Wisconsin Octopus._
* * * * *
“There goes that ivy girl.”
“Ivy?”
“Yeah, clinging to that old ruin.”--_Judge._
* * * * *
“Who is better to have around than a yes man?”
“A yes woman?”
“Right.”--_Wisconsin Octopus._
* * * * *
“Verily, Hector did you hear the latest Scotch joke.”
“Proceed, Alcibiades.”
“A Scotchman just offered $25,000 for the first person to swim the
Atlantic.”--_Columbia Jester._
* * * * *
She was frightfully near-sighted and couldn’t recognize things more
than a yard away. Her lover didn’t know of it yet and she was going to
make sure he didn’t find out. Before he called this evening, she placed
a pin in a tree about fifty feet from a bench where she was certain
they would sit.
Sure enough, they strolled for some time in the garden and then he
suggested sitting on the bench.
“Oh, look at the pin in that tree over here!” she exclaimed.
“Don’t be foolish! You couldn’t possibly see a pin in that tree over
there. Why, it’s over fifty feet away.”
“You come with me and I’ll prove there’s a pin in that tree.”
She grabbed him by the hand and they started for the tree.
On the way, she stumbled over a cow.--_Princeton Tiger._
* * * * *
“This tonic is no good.”
“What’s the matter?”
“All the directions it gives are for adults, and I never had
them.”--_Iowa Green Gander._
* * * * *
“Give me an example of incongruity.”
“A football team at Wellesley.”
“And another.”
“One at Harvard.”--_Notre Dame Juggler._
* * * * *
“What’s an operetta?”
“Don’t be dumb--it’s a girl who works for the telephone
company.”--_Texas Ranger._
* * * * *
“My wife ran the car into the fence the other day and knocked some
paint off.”
“Off what, the car or the fence?”
“Neither; off my wife.”--_George Washington Ghost._
* * * * *
_Teacher_--Conjugate the verb “to swim.”
_Pupil_--Swim, swam, swum.
_Teacher_--Now conjugate the verb “to dim.”
_Pupil_--Say, are you trying to kid me?--_Southern California Wampus._
* * * * *
_Sue_--What’s the point in calling your friend “Hesperus” all the time?
_Lou_--’Cause I always have to ride in that wreck of his.--_Nebraska
Awgawan._
* * * * *
“Is Claud still mopping floors at the hotel?”
“Yes, he’s the same old floor flusher.”--_Western Reserve Red Cat._
* * * * *
_Valencia_--I feel certain that crullers are being made hereabouts.
_Barcelona_--Yes, smells extremely like a bakery doughnut?--_West Point
Pointer._
* * * * *
“What,” queries the fashion department of the Omaha Bee, “has become of
the old-fashioned sash?” It still abounds, dearie, only nowadays it is
called a skirt.--_New York World._
* * * * *
Two Scotchmen went bathing.
_One said_:--I’ll bet you sixpence I can stay under water longer than
you.
_The Other said_:--All right.
Both submerged. The police are still looking for the bodies.--_Tit
Bits._
* * * * *
_Lucy_--Did you hear that Joan’s grandmother was married yesterday?
_Nancy_--Well, it’s about time!--_West Point Pointer._
* * * * *
_Professor Beach_--Name eleven of Shakespeare’s plays.
_Waldo Dickman_--“Ten Nights in a Barroom” and “The Merchant of
Venice.”--_Marietta Olio._
* * * * *
_She_--Aren’t you happy, now that the furniture people are willing to
let you pay for the furniture by installments?
_He_--I would be if they’d let me pay the installments by
installments.--_Dublin Opinion._
* * * * *
_He_ (blushing)--Do you play croquet?
_She_ (fiery red)--No, mamma says it’s wicket.--_Carnegie Puppet._
* * * * *
_Nitt_--What do you think of these talking pictures?
_Witt_--Don’t like ’em; they wake me up.--_Judge._
* * * * *
“Do you know how to make a peach cordial?”
“Sure; send her some candy.”--_Ohio State Sun Dial._
* * * * *
A lady ran away from her husband and went to live in a hotel.
After several days she went back to him. She said she couldn’t
stand looking at the sign on the hotel door every time she went
out; it troubled her conscience. The sign was: Think; have you left
anything?--_Judge._
* * * * *
Wanted--Bright young man to mangle.--_Ottawa (Ont.) Gazette._
And that’s the saddest thing we’ve ever heard.--_New Yorker._
* * * * *
“There’s a great picture here we ought to see.”
“What is it?”
“One of Rembrandt’s.”
“Let’s go. I haven’t been to the cinema for ages.”--_Christian Science
Monitor._
* * * * *
“Curse you, Mr. Whitmann, once more you are off your Beethoven!”
“And again, my dear Gershwitz, you have flown off the Handel.”--_Judge._
* * * * *
_Rich and Rude Motorist_--A gallon of petrol, and hurry up. It’s push
you need around here. That’s how I made my money. I pushed and pushed.
_Boy_--Well, sir, you’ll have to push some more. There ain’t a drop of
petrol in the place!--_Tit Bits._
* * * * *
“Are you engaged to him?”
“Yes,” answered the prudent girl. “But I have requested time to verify
reports on his title and fortune.”
“That is not an engagement. That is an option.”--_Washington Star._
* * * * *
Boy is missing in first pair of long pants.--_Detroit Free Press._
But he may grow into them.--_The New Yorker._
* * * * *
“I’m going down town to buy a sport dress.”
“But, you won’t need it at this time of the year.”
“Oh, yes, I will. I’m going to shoot my husband.”--_Judge._
* * * * *
_Whiz_--I see that newspaper’s slogan is: “All the News That’s Fit to
Print!” What becomes of the rest of it?
_Bang_--The tabloids use it.--_Judge._
* * * * *
“How could you play hookey from the correspondence school?”
“I sent them an empty envelope.”--_Boston Transcript._
* * * * *
“Does your wife drive the car?”
“Only when I am at the wheel.”--_Boston Transcript._
* * * * *
“I have,” said the diplomat, “a secretary in whose secrecy I can trust
absolutely. In the first place, she does not understand what I dictate,
and the second, she forgets what she has written.”--_Pathfinder._
* * * * *
“Give me a sentence with the word ‘Ethel’.”
“Ethel to be poor, ain’t it?”--_Navy Log._
* * * * *
“Let’s get drunk and make merry.”
“Mary who?”--_Dartmouth Jack O’Lantern._
* * * * *
_He_--Were you out last night, too?
_She_--I should say not, I only had a drop.--_M. I. T. Voo Doo._
* * * * *
In the local museum there is a bust of a famous Scotchman. Rightly
enough below his noble Caledonian features is a sign which reads,
“Don’t Touch.”--_Wisconsin Octopus._
* * * * *
_Prof._--Can you give the definition of watt?
_P. B. K._--A watt is an inquisitive pronoun.--_Penn Punch Bowl._
* * * * *
_First Rooster_--What’s the old hen looking so glum about?
_Second Male Chicken_--Oh, she’s brooding over her chickens.--_M. I. T.
Voo Doo._
* * * * *
“Ah, good-mornin’, Mrs. Murphy, how is everythin’?”
“Sure, an’ I’m havin’ a grand time uv it between me husband and
the fire. If I keep me oye on the wan the other is sure to go
out.”--_Answers._
* * * * *
“I see the bulls got ‘Slim’.”
“Yeah--jes’ as he was goin’ to the theatre to see ‘Abie’s Irish Rose’.”
“Oh well--he only got five years--he can see it when he comes
out.”--_Judge._
* * * * *
“Was your uncle’s life insured?”
“No, he was a total loss.”--_Oklahoma Whirlwind._
* * * * *
“I got a hunch.”
“Really. I thought you were just round shouldered.”--_Williams Purple
Cow._
* * * * *
“This vacation I’m going to spend all my time ice skating, skiing and
necking.”
“Where do you live?”
“Miami, Florida.”--_Penn Punch Bowl._
* * * * *
_Agent_--Sir, I have an attachment for your typewriter.
_Busy Man_--Well, settle it with her. I can’t be bothered with your
love affairs.--_Dennison Flamingo._
* * * * *
_Lady_--You say your father was injured in an explosion. How did it
happen?
_Child_--Well, Mother said it was too much yeast, but Father said it
was too much sugar.--_Iowa State Green Gander._
* * * * *
“What kind of a dress did Betty wear at the party last night?”
“I don’t remember; it was checked I think.”
“Say what kind of a party was that?”--_Dennison Flamingo._
* * * * *
_Doctor_--What you need is a long sea voyage; can you manage it?
_Patient_--Quite easily. I’m captain on an ocean going liner.--_Gaiety._
* * * * *
_Hubby_--I sure miss that old cuspidor since it’s been gone.
_Wifey_--You missed it before, too. That’s why it’s gone.--_Capper’s
Weekly._
* * * * *
“How did Bill go blind--bad liquor?”
“No; he saw a lighted cigarette in the dark and thought it was a
keyhole.”--_Virginia Reel._
* * * * *
_Cat_--I see Mable has a new dress.
_Tom_--Yes, she made it from odds and ends.
_Cat_--Well, it’s odd where it ends.--_Stevens Tech. Stone Mill._
* * * * *
“Your wife is very broadminded, isn’t she?”
“Oh, wonderfully! She believes there are always two sides to every
question--her own and her mother’s.”--_Sydney Bulletin._
* * * * *
“I was coming over to see you last night.”
“I wish you had; I wasn’t home.”--_Oregon Webfoot._
* * * * *
_Jean_--What are you stopping for, Tom?
_Varnish_--To see if I have a flat tire or not.--_Nebraska Awgawan._
* * * * *
“How did you know that the car was crowded?”
“Why, even the men couldn’t get a seat.”--_Rutgers Chanticleer._
* * * * *
“That girl reminds me of a crowbar.”
“How come?”
“There’s not much to crow about and she doesn’t bar anything.”--_Lehigh
Burr._
* * * * *
_Small Dorothy_--Mamma, why hasn’t Papa any hair?
_Mother_--Because he thinks so much, dear.
_Dorothy_--Why have you so much, Mamma?
_Mother_--Go away and do your lessons!--_Iowa Frivol._
* * * * *
_Passenger_ (on board)--Could I see the Captain?
_First Mate_--He’s forward, miss.
I’m not afraid. I’m used to men!--_Answers._
* * * * *
_Surgeon’s Daughter_--I’ve been so anxious, dad, to find out if your
operation on Mr. Bullion was successful.
_Surgeon_--Yes, yes. But I was only in the nick of time.
_Daughter_--Oh, so serious as that?
_Surgeon_--Serious? I shall say so! Another day or two and he would
have recovered without it.--_Sydney Bulletin._
* * * * *
_Globe Trotter_--Have you been to the Occident?
_Mrs. New-Rich_--No, really! Was anyone hurt?--_Lehigh Burr._
* * * * *
“I left a bottle of Scotch in the train this morning.”
“Was it turned into the lost and found department?”
“No, but the fellow who found it was.”--_Judge._
* * * * *
“Jack’s just been jilted by a street cleaner’s daughter.”
“Why doesn’t he sewer?”--_Pitt Panther._
* * * * *
_He_--She tries so hard to appear natural.
_She_--That dress ought to be a big help.--_Toronto Goblin._
* * * * *
_Husband_--Well, thank Heaven, the car is finally paid for!
_Wife_--Isn’t that splendid! Now we can turn it in on a new
one.--_Judge._
* * * * *
_Belle_--I’m going to sue that theme-corrector for libel.
_Nell_--Whaddyuh mean?
_Belle_--She said that my antecedents were mixed and my relatives
couldn’t be worse.--_Boston Beanpot._
* * * * *
_First Spinster_--Is it true that you are to be married, Miss Antique?
_Second Ditto_--No; but I am thankful for the rumor.--_Answers._
* * * * *
_Binks_ (teaching his wife to drive)--Release the clutch!
_His Wife_--Don’t be silly. I haven’t got it.--_Answers._
* * * * *
“What were Webster’s last words?”
“Zymosis, zymotic, zymurgy.”--_Pennsylvania Punch Bowl._
* * * * *
“The fraternity feud at Stanford is terrible.”
“Yes, I know. I’ve eaten there.”--_Oregon Webfoot._
* * * * *
_Father_--I got a note from your teacher today.
_Son_--That’s all right, pa. I’ll keep it quiet.--_Cornell Widow._
* * * * *
_She_--(anxiously)--Oh, sir, won’t you help a maiden in distress?
_He_--No, not in that dress.--_Dartmouth Jack O’Lantern._
* * * * *
_Diag_--Is he dumb?
_Nosis_--Is he dumb? He broke his leg once and the S. P. C. A. wanted
to shoot him.--_Pitt Panther._
* * * * *
_First College President_: What is the difference between a beautiful
and a dumb stenographer?
_Second College President_: You can fire the dumb one.--_Wesleyan Wasp._
* * * * *
“By the way, Joe, don’t worry any more about that ten dollars you owe
me.”
“How come? Don’t you want it?”
“Not that, but there’s no use both of us worrying about
it.”--_Dartmouth Jack-O’Lantern._
* * * * *
_Prof_--Make a sentence with the word “prestige” in it.
_Stude_--Last night I “prestige” pants and now look at
them.--_Cincinnati Cynic._
* * * * *
“Do you like running?”
“No the cinders always get in my eye.”--_Brown Jug._
* * * * *
_Browne_--Did you give your wife that little lecture on economy you
talked about?
_Baker_--Yes.
“Any result?”
“Yes, I’ve got to give up smoking.”--_Answers._
* * * * *
_Badly Bruised Boxer_--I can ’ardly see ’im now.
_Second_--Never mind--’it ’im from memory.--_London Opinion._
* * * * *
Two old maids went for a tramp in the woods. The tramp
escaped.--_Weslian Wasp._
* * * * *
“Did you see any signs of law and order when you were in Chicago?”
“There were some ‘Keep Off the Grass’ signs in the parks.”--_Judge._
* * * * *
_First Roman_ (at a Christian massacre)--We’ve got a capacity crowd,
but still we’re losing money. The upkeep on the lions must be pretty
heavy.
_Second Roman_--Yes, sir; these lions sure do eat the
prophets.--_Grinnell Malteaser._
* * * * *
_Lady_--I want to see some kid gloves for my eight year old daughter,
please.
_Polite Clerk_--Yes, madame. White kid?
_Lady_--SIR!--_Carolina Buccaneer._
* * * * *
Try this one on your girl: Get her to say “Stewed Prunes” with her eyes
closed. It’s easy.--_Texas Ranger._
* * * * *
The coach told him to do some shadow boxing, and he waited for the
shadow to hit first.--_Yale Record._
* * * * *
_Absent Minded Business Man_ (after kissing his wife)--Now dear, I will
dictate a couple of letters.--_Arizona Kitty Kat._
* * * * *
_Squire_--How can I tell whether a man is a Christian or a Moslem?
_Knight_--Ask him for a cigarette; if he tells you to go to hell he is
a Christian.--_Cornell Widow._
* * * * *
_Little Boy_ (returning from a swim)--Mother, Papa certainly is a good
swimmer.
_Mother_--Why, sonny, your papa cannot swim a stroke.
_Little Boy_--Well, anyway, he can sure stay under water a long
time.--_Penn. Punch Bowl._
* * * * *
_She_--Why should I let you kiss me?
_He_--Well, if you want a technical explanation, it will take some
time. It’s like this--
_She_--Oh, go ahead and kiss me.--_Everybody’s Weekly._
* * * * *
_Diner_ (trying to cut his steak)--Say, waiter, how was this steak
cooked?
_Waiter_--Smothered with onions, sir.
_Diner_--Well, it sure died hard.--_Yale Record._
* * * * *
_He_ (mushily)--Thinking of me, darling?
_She_--Oh, was I laughing?--I’m so sorry.--_Passing Show._
* * * * *
_Wife_--Golf, golf, golf. I really believe if you spent a Sunday home I
should die.
_Hubby_--It’s no use talking like that, dear; you can’t bribe
me.--_Tatler._
* * * * *
“I can’t understand,” explained the restaurant manager, “why customers
complain. This soup is really excellent.”
“They wouldn’t grumble, sir,” replied the waiter, “if the chef would
admit it is soup. He says it’s coffee.”--_Answers._
* * * * *
The emigrant was buying his ticket at the shipping office.
“And what about your trunk?” demanded the clerk.
“For what would I be wantin’ a thrunk?”
“To put your clothes in, of course,” replied the clerk.
“What?” cried the scandalized emigrant, “and me go naked?”--_Tit Bits._
* * * * *
_Wife_--Every time you see a pretty girl you forget you are married.
_Husband_--You’re wrong, my dear. Nothing brings home the fact with so
much force.--_Chicago._
* * * * *
_Betty_--Have you any green lipstick?
_Shop Assistant_--Green lipstick?
_Betty_--Yes, a railway guide is taking me out tonight.--_Everybody’s
Weekly._
* * * * *
“The world is round, isn’t it?”
“Right-o.”
“Then if I wanted to go east, I could eventually get there by going
west.”
“What are you, a taxi driver?”--_Hamilton Royal Gaboon._
* * * * *
Transcriber’s note
Minor punctuation errors have been changed without notice.
Italicization was standardized.
Spelling was retained as in the original except for the following
changes:
Page 13: “_IIardre_--Oh, liver” “_Hardre_--Oh, liver”
Page 15: “Havent a thing to wear” “Haven’t a thing to wear”
Page 32: “and I an’t seen” “and I ain’t seen”
Page 38: “Presbyterian name, y’ know” “Presbyterian name, y’know”
Page 48: “ran the can into” “ran the car into”
Page 60: “Try this on on your girl” “Try this one on your girl”
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