The Project Gutenberg EBook of The American Joe Miller, by Various
This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or
re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
Title: The American Joe Miller
A Collection of Yankee Wit and Humor
Author: Various
Release Date: October 22, 2013 [EBook #43996]
Language: English
*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE AMERICAN JOE MILLER ***
Produced by David Edwards, Diane Monico, and the Online
Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This
file was produced from images generously made available
by The Internet Archive)
THE
AMERICAN JOE MILLER.
THE
AMERICAN JOE MILLER:
A Collection of Yankee Wit and Humour.
COMPILED BY
ROBERT KEMPT.
"I love a teeming wit as I love my nourishment."--_Ben Jonson._
"Oh, you shall see him laugh till his face be like a wet cloak ill
laid up!"
_Shakespeare._
[Illustration]
LONDON:
ADAMS AND FRANCIS, 59, FLEET STREET.
[ENTERED AT STATIONERS' HALL.]
1865.
LONDON:
CLAYTON AND CO., PRINTERS,
17, BOUVERIE STREET.
PREFACE.
So far as the Compiler is aware, no good collection of American
wit and humour exists on this side of the Atlantic; certainly, no
collection worthy to be considered as the American Joe Miller. In the
well-known "Percy Anecdotes," in the numerous English Joe Millers,
and other jest-books, a few of Brother Jonathan's good things are to
be found, in company with the rich and genial wit of John Bull, the
pawky humour of the Scotch, and the exuberant mirth of Paddy; but it
is believed that the present is the first attempt to present anything
like a complete collection of American witticisms to English readers.
While every justice has been done in this matter to Scotland by Dean
Ramsay's inimitable "Reminiscences of Scottish Life and Character;"
and while a kindred service has been performed for England by Mr.
John Timbs, and still more recently by Mr. Mark Lemon, not to mention
others, no one, seemingly, has bethought him of gathering together the
happy scintillations of Brother Jonathan's intellect. The Compiler
trusts that he may have undertaken this task with at least some
success.
No one at all familiar with the periodical literature of America will
deny that the Americans are a witty people. Whether their native wit
be so intellectual and refined as the English, so quaint and subtle
as the Scotch humour, or so strong and hearty as the Irish, or,
again, whether it be so keen and compact as the French _esprit_, may
be reasonably questioned; but that it is a straw that _can_ tickle,
and therefore, according to Dryden, an instrument of happiness,
all must admit. In considering the nature of American humour, it
is obvious that broad exaggeration is its great characteristic. It
is essentially _outré_. No people seek to raise the laugh by such
extravagant means as the Yankees. Their ordinary speech is hyperbole,
or tall talk. They never go out shooting unless with the long bow.
Again, their humour comes from without, rather than from within,
and is less a matter of thought than of verbal expression. It deals
with the association of ideas rather than with ideas themselves.
Transatlantic wit is not as a rule terse, epigrammatic, pungent,
like the wit of Lamb, Hood, or Jerrold, which often lies in a single
sentence or even word. The humour of Sam Slick or James Russell
Lowell, for instance, lies as much in accessories as in the thing
itself. It is nothing unless surrounded by circumstantial narrative.
But in this it must be confessed the Americans are great masters.
The humour of a people always reflects the character of that people,
and character, as we all know, is influenced in no small measure
by country and climate. Our American brethren are born, or as they
themselves say "raised," in a country whose physical features
have been planned on a scale far surpassing in magnitude--not
unfrequently in beauty also--those of every other country in the
world. The Americans feel this, and are justly proud of the extent
and magnificence of America. It leads them to compare it with other
countries, and the comparison is certain to result in favour of their
own. Theirs is the country of Lake Superior. Columbia is a Triton
among the minnows. Into this Brobdignag of our cousins Munchausen
emigrated early, and the genius of the celebrated German Baron still
continues to control its people. Only in America will you find a
man so tall that he is obliged to go up a ladder in order to shave
himself, or so small that it requires two men and a boy to see him;
only in America do the railway trains travel so fast that the train
often reaches the station considerably in advance of the whistle;
only in America are the fogs so thick that they may be cut with a
"ham knife." It is only an American artist who can paint a snow-storm
so naturally that he catches cold by sitting near it with his coat
off; it is only in America that sportsmen are such dead shots that
the birds when they see the gun "come down," rather than abide the
consequences of remaining "up;" and it is only in America that every
man is "one of the most remarkable men in the country." It must be
said of American humour, that you can always, and at once, "see the
joke." Its meaning is never hidden, and it seldom, if ever, takes the
form of the _double entendre_. To borrow an idea from Elia, there is
no need to grope all over your neighbour's face to be sure that he
appreciates a genuine Yankee joke. The grins it causes are the very
broadest, and the laughter it evokes is the very loudest.
While the Compiler hopes that all his readers may find something to
laugh at in the wise saws of Sam Slick, the broad grins of Artemus
Ward and Joshua Billings, the marvellous (impossible?) feats of the
renowned Major Longbow, and the cute remarks of those notorious
personages, the Down Easter and the Western Editor, which he has
here collected, he also trusts that none of them may find anything
to regret. Care has been exercised to exclude everything of an
objectionable character from the collection.
Since his elevation to the presidential chair, Mr. Lincoln has
acquired the reputation of being a good story-teller, and a number
of the best things attributed to "honest old Abe" have been included
in the collection, which will also be found to contain many of the
humorous stories and incidents to which the present unhappy war has
given rise. "Honest good humour," says Washington Irving, one of
America's greatest sons, "is the oil and wine of a merry meeting." It
is the earnest wish of the Compiler that the following pages may serve
to convince every reader of the truth of the remark.
R. K.
_January 2, 1865._
THE
AMERICAN JOE MILLER.
EARLY RISING IN CONNECTICUT.--1.
The editor of the _Eglantine_ says that the girls in Connecticut, who
are remarkable for their industry, drink about a pint of yeast before
going to bed at night, to make them _rise_ early in the morning.
SMALL LOAVES.--2.
A half-famished fellow in the Southern States tells of a baker (whose
loaves had been growing "small by degrees, and beautifully less,")
who, when going his rounds to serve his customers, stopped at the door
of one and knocked, when the lady within exclaimed, "Who's there?" and
was answered, "The baker." "What do you want?" "To leave your bread."
"Well, you needn't make such a fuss about it; put it through the
keyhole."
ONLY THE ELEVENTH.--3.
At a christening, while a minister was making the certificate, he
forgot the date, and happened to say: "Let me see, this is the 30th."
"The thirtieth!" exclaimed the indignant mother; "indeed, but it's
only the eleventh!"
SHARP SHOOTING.--4.
The following dialogue on "sharp shooting" is reported to have taken
place between a Virginee and a Yankee picket:--"I say, can you
fellows shoot?" "Wall, I reckon we can some. Down in Mississippi we
can knock a bumble-bee off a thistle bow at three hundred yards."
"Oh, that ain't nothing to the way we seewt up in Varmount. I belonged
to a military company ther', with a hundred men in the company, and
we went out for practice every week. The capt'n draws us up in single
file, and sets a cider-barrel rolling down the hill, and each man
takes his shot at the bung-hole as it turns up. It is afterwards
examined, and if there is a shot that didn't go in the bung-hole the
number who missed it is expelled. I belonged to the company ten years,
and there ain't been nobody expelled yet."
FOUR POINTS OF A CASE.--5.
An Eastern editor says that a man in New York got himself into trouble
by marrying two wives. A Western editor replies by assuring his
contemporary that a good many men in that section had done the same
thing by marrying one. A Northern editor retorts that quite a number
of his acquaintances found trouble enough by barely promising to
marry, without going any further. A Southern editor says that a friend
of his was bothered enough when simply found in company with another
man's wife.
ADVANTAGE OF BURNING TWO CANDLES.--6.
A celebrated American judge had a very stingy wife. On one occasion
she received his friends in the drawing-room with a single candle. "Be
pleased, my dear," said his lordship, "to let us have a second candle
that we may see where the other stands."
A 4-TUNATE YOUNG MAN.--7.
There is a young man in the U. S. army, who was born July 4, at 4
o'clock, p.m., at No. 44, in a street in Boston, is the 4th child,
has 4 names, enlisted in the Newton company, which joined the 4th
battalion, 44th regiment, and on the 4th of August was appointed 4th
corporal, and is now gone to defend his country.
ELBOW-ROOM SCARCE.--8.
Elbow-room has been quite scarce in Nashville during the past week.
Such scrouging, gouging, turning in and turning out, has seldom
before been witnessed. Instance the following:--Traveller dismounts
at a tavern. "Hallo, landlord, can I get lodgings here to-night?"
Landlord: "No, sir; every room in the house is engaged." Traveller:
"Can't you give me a blanket and a bunch of shavings for a pillow in
your bar-room?" Landlord: "No, sir; there's not a square foot of space
unoccupied anywhere in the house." Traveller: "Then I'll thank you,
sir, to shove a pole out of your second-floor window, and I'll roost
on that."
A COUPLE OF REASONS TOO MANY.--9.
The _Providence Journal_ is accountable for the following: A drafted
man in this State called upon one of our lawyers, and desired to have
papers prepared claiming exemption from the military service for the
several reasons which he named. 1. That he was the only son of a widow
depending upon him for support. 2. That his father was in such infirm
health as to be unable to get his own living; and 3, that he had two
brothers already in the service. All of which facts Patrick desired
then and there to verify by affidavit. The lawyer, who had travelled
in Illinois and learned the knack of introducing _apropos_ anecdotes,
reminded the drafted man of a little story of the maple-sugar man in
Vermont who was sued for returning a borrowed sap-kettle in a damaged
condition, and pleaded in defence--first, that the kettle was sound
when he returned it; secondly, that it was cracked when he borrowed
it; and thirdly, that he never had the sap-kettle. Patrick grinned a
ghastly smile, such as sometimes illumines the countenance of a man
before the Board of Enrolment when the doctor blandly assures him that
he has not got the liver complaint or the kidney disease, and withdrew
his papers.
EGG "BROF."--10.
"Well, Sambo, how do you like your new place?" "Oh, very well, massa."
"What did you have for breakfast this morning?" "Why, you see, missus
biled three eggs for herself, and gib me de brof."
TO MAKE SAUSAGES.--11.
The editor of the _Southbridge Journal_ was set all aback the other
day, when he asked a farmer's wife how she made sausages, and received
for answer--"Take your in'ards, scrape 'em, scald, and stuff 'em."
"PREACH SMALL."--12.
"Mother," said a little girl, seven years old, "I could not understand
our minister to-day, he said so many hard words; I wish he would
preach so that little girls could understand him. Won't he, mother?"
"Yes, I think so, if we ask him." Soon after her father saw her going
to the minister's. "Where are you going, Emma?" said he. "I am going
over to Mr. ----'s, to ask him to _preach small_."
HARD LYING.--13.
There lives in New Hampshire a man called Joe, a fellow noted for the
tough lies he can tell. A correspondent informs us that Joe called in
at Holton's lately, and found him almost choked with smoke, when he
suggested, "You don't know as much about managing smoky chimneys as
I do, squire, or you'd cure 'em." "Ah!" said Holton, with interest,
"did you ever see a smoky chimney cured?" "Seen it?" said old Joe, "I
think I have. I had the worst one in Seaboard county once, and I cured
it a little too much." "How was that?" asked Holton. "Why, you see,"
said Joe, "I built a little house out yonder, at Wolf Hollow, ten or
twelve years ago. Jim Bush, the fellow that built the chimneys, kept
blind drunk three-quarters of the time, and crazy drunk the other.
I told him I thought he'd have something wrong; but he stuck to it
and finished the house. Well, we moved in, and built a fire the next
morning to boil the tea-kettle. All the smoke came through the room
and went out of the windows; not a bit went up the flues. We tried it
for two or three days, and it got worse and worse. By and by it came
on to rain, and the rain began to come down the chimney. It put the
fire out in a minute, and directly it came down by the pailful. We
had to get the baby off the floor as soon as we could, or it would
have been drowned. In fifteen minutes the water stood knee-deep
on the floor. I pretty soon saw what was the matter. The drunken
cuss had put the chimney wrong end up, and it drawed downwards. It
gathered all the rain within a hundred yards, and poured it down by
bucketfuls." "Well, that was unfortunate," remarked Holton, "but what
in the world did you do with the house? Surely you never cured that
chimney?" "Didn't I, though?" answered old Joe; "yes, I did." "How?"
asked Holton. "Turned it the other end up," said the incorrigible,
"and then you ought to have seen it draw. That was the way I cured it
too much." "Drew too much?" asked Holton. "Well, squire, you may judge
for yourself," said old Joe. "Pretty soon after we got the chimney
down the other end up, I missed one of the chairs out of the room,
and directly I see'd another of 'em shooting towards the fireplace.
Next the table went, and I see the back log going up. Then I grabbed
the old woman under one arm and the baby under t'other and started;
but just as I got to the door I see'd the cat going across the floor
backwards, holding on with her claws to the carpet, yelling awfully.
It wasn't no use. I just see her going over the top of the chimney,
and that was the last of her." "Well, what did you do then?" asked
Holton; "of course you could not live in such a house?" "Couldn't I,
though?" said Joe; "but I did; I put a poultice on the jamb of the
fireplace, and that drawed t'other way, so we had no more trouble."
This is what we call hard lying.
BUSINESS AND AFFLICTION.--14.
Curious combinations are oftentimes found in the advertising columns
of newspapers. The following is the announcement made by a lately
bereaved wife:--"Died, on the 11th inst., at his shop, No. 20,
Greenwich Street, Mr. Edward Jones, much respected by all who knew
and dealt with him. As a man he was amiable; as a hatter, upright and
moderate. His virtues were beyond all price, and his beaver hats were
only three dollars each. He has left a widow to deplore his loss,
and a large stock to be sold cheap for the benefit of his family. He
was snatched to the other world in the prime of life, just as he had
concluded an extensive purchase of felt, which he got so cheap that
his widow can supply hats at more reasonable rates than any house
in the city. His disconsolate family will carry on business with
punctuality."
THE JUDGMENT OF SOLOMON.--15.
In the Justice's Court in New Orleans the judge was in a quandary
the other day. A coat was in dispute; the parties were Irish, and
the evidence was direct and positive for both claimants. After much
wrangling, Patrick Power, one of the parties, proposed that he and
his opponent, Timothy Maguire, should see whose name was on the
coat. Timothy searched in vain, and the coat was handed to Pat, who
immediately took his knife, opened a corner of the coat, and out
dropped two small peas. "There, d'ye see that, now!" "Yes; but what of
that?" said Timothy. "A dale it has to do wid it; it is my name to be
sure--pea for Patrick, and pea for Power, be jabers!" He got the coat,
he did.
YOUNG JEFF.'S APPETITE.--16.
When young Jeff. first came up to town, his father told him that it
would be polite, when being helped at dinner, to say to the host,
"Half that, if you please." It so happened that at the first dinner to
which he was invited a sucking-pig was one of the dishes. The host,
pointing with his knife to the young porker, asked, "Well, Mr. Jeff.,
will you have this, our favourite dish, or haunch of mutton?" Upon
which, recollecting his first lesson, he replied, "Half that, if you
please," to the consternation of all present.
MY PEW, SIR!--17.
While the Convention which nominated General Taylor was in session
at Philadelphia, a somewhat noted local politician from Pickaway
county, Ohio, was in the city mingling in the muss. As the Convention
adjourned over Sunday, he concluded to go to church. "I mounted my
best regalia," he says, "and looked fine; stopped at the door, and
asked the sexton for a seat; was shown a very good one, entirely
unoccupied, in the back part of which I seated myself. In a very short
time a decent-looking man, plainly dressed, entered and took the front
of the pew. I held my head reverently, and looked pious. He glanced
at me several times, then took out a white handkerchief; looked at me
again, then took out a card, drew his pencil, wrote 'This is my pew,
sir,' and tossed the card to me. I picked it up, and immediately wrote
on it, 'It is a very good one; what rent do you pay?' and tossed it
back."
MAKING A MAN'S COFFIN BEFORE HIS DEATH.--18.
An amusing thing occurred in the 24th Ohio. A few days since, a
soldier, passing to the lower part of the encampment, saw two others
from his company making a rude coffin. He inquired who it was for.
"John Bunce," said the others. "Why," replied he, "John is not dead
yet. It is too bad to make a man's coffin when you don't know if
he's going to die or not." "Don't you trouble yourself," replied the
others; "Dr. Coe told us to make his coffin, _and I guess he knows
what he give him_."
DRAWING THE LONG BOW.--19.
A fellow was kicked out of an editorial room the other day for
impudently stating "that he had seen in Germany a fiddle so large that
it required two horses to draw the bow across the strings, which would
continue to sound six weeks!"
A QUEER CUP OF COFFEE.--20.
I soon had an opportunity to judge for myself, having accepted an
officer's invitation to take coffee in his tent. Captain H. was
very proud of his table. His cook was said to be the best in the
camp, his only fault being a disposition to a careless mixture of
ingredients. "There, sir," said the captain, handing me a brimming
cup, "I'll warrant you'll find that equal to anything you ever drank
in Paris." I tasted. The captain saw something was wrong. He tasted.
His countenance assumed a stern and mortified expression. John was
called and ordered to investigate the cause of the villanous taste
of the coffee. The next moment he reappeared, holding the coffee-pot
in his hand. "Och, be jabers, captain," said he, "it's meself that's
mortified to death. I cooked the bowl of me ould pipe in your
coffee this morning, and that's the innocent cause of the bad taste
intirely!"
THE TREASURE TROVE. BY B. O. B.--21.
As Jonathan Dodge reel'd home one night,
Tight as a brick in a prison wall,
Beneath a gas-lamp's brilliant light
His eye on a something bright did fall.
He steadied himself to know the cause,
And eyed it long with inquiring gaze,
Wondering much what the deuce it was
That glitter'd and sparkled with such a blaze.
Then stooping down, with a forward dip
Which came near sending him heels o'erhead,
At the glittering wonder he made a grip--
But clutch'd a handful of mud instead.
Again he tries; but another lurch,
To strive against which was all in vain,
Sent him sprawling out in the mud and slush,
And the prize eluded his grasp again.
"The third time's lucky; I'll make it sure,"
Said Jonathan, rising, and turning round.
"'Tis a diamond as large as the Koh-i-noor,
And far (_hic_) more costly, I'll be bound."
Again he tries; hurrah! success
Has crown'd his untiring efforts at last!
Thus Victory always will Industry bless,
And the prize is more precious for dangers pass'd.
But the flowers of Hope which we fondest nurse
First wither, and bleaker leave the soul;
He dashes it down with a bitter curse--
'Twas only a piece of a broken bowl!
REMARKABLE TENACITY OF LIFE.--22.
A few evenings since, in the "private crib" of one of our exchanges,
there was a learned dissertation, subject, "Bed-bugs, and their
Remarkable Tenacity of Life." One asserted of his own knowledge that
they could be boiled, and then come to life. Some had soaked them for
hours in turpentine without any fatal consequences. Old Hanks, who
had been listening as an outsider, here gave in his experience in
corroboration of the facts. Says he, "Some years ago I took a bed-bug
to an iron-foundry, and dropping it into a ladle where the melted iron
was, had it run into a skillet. Well, my old woman used that skillet
pretty constant for the last six years, and here the other day it
broke all to smash; and what do you think, gentlemen, that 'ere insect
just walked out of his hole, where he'd been layin' like a frog in a
rock, and made tracks for his old roost upstairs! But," added he, by
way of parenthesis, "he looked mighty pale."
SAM'S SOUL.--23.
"Sam," said an interesting young mother to her youngest hopeful, "do
you know what the difference is between the body and soul? The soul,
my child, is what you love with; the body carries you about. This is
your body," touching the little fellow's shoulders and arms, "but
there is something deeper in--you can feel it now; what is that?" "Oh,
I know," said Sam, with a flash of intelligence in his eyes, "that's
my flannel shirt!"
AMERICAN ESTIMATE OF THEIR CLERGY.--24.
The _Louisville Journal_ assures an inquiring spinster that gospel
ministers are not more addicted to dissipation than men of other
professions. A few of the Kalloch type take gin-toddies and liberties
with females, but the majority of them are as good as lawyers. If you
want a true Christian, marry an editor.
"WHERE WARREN FELL."--25.
A Yankee gentleman, escorting a British friend around to view the
different objects of attraction in the vicinity of Boston, brought him
to Bunker's Hill. They stood looking at the splendid shaft, when the
Yankee said, "This is the place where Warren fell." "Ah!" replied the
Englishman evidently not posted up in local historical matters, "did
it hurt him much?" The native looked at him, with the expression of
fourteen Fourths of Julys in his countenance--"Hurt him!" said he, "he
was killed, sir." "Ah! he was, eh?" said the stranger, still eyeing
the monument, and computing its height in his own mind, layer by
layer; "well, I should think he would have been, to fall so far."
OUT-YANKEED.--26.
After the battle of Fredericksburg a little Yankee officer was talking
with one of our Alabama majors, who stood in that part of the field
where we had suffered most severely--dead men and horses, broken
cannon, and blown-up caissons being all around him. "You hurt us
powerful bad yesterday," said the Yankee. "Yes," replied the major,
drily. "Guess we hurt you some, too," rejoined the Yankee, looking at
the wrecks of humanity strewn about. "Didn't kill a man or a horse,"
said the major. The little Yankee looked up at the tall Confederate
for a moment, then at the dead men and horses on every side, and then
wheeled suddenly round and walked rapidly away, utterly astounded at
the cool manner in which the Alabamian had out-Yankeed the Yankees in
deliberate lying.
THE PRESIDENT'S VOICE.--27.
We got one darkie on the way out. He had never seen a cannon, and of
course did not know what it was. He stood beside one when they fired
it off, and I assure you Parry the clown never dropped as quick as he
did. His eyes rolled wildly, and he alarmingly called out: "Oh Lord!
hab mercy on dis poor chile. He am for de Union ebery time, sah." The
artillerymen might have been tied with straws. When they had got over
their laugh, they told him it was one of old Abe's guns. The nigger
said, "He hab a bery loud voice."
HOW A "COPPERHEAD" WAS SHAVED.--28.
One day, lately, a well-known gentleman in Philadelphia stepped
into a barber's shop, sat in a shaving-chair, drew a newspaper from
his pocket, and instructed the knight of the razor to take off his
beard. The barber was an African. He simply replied, "Yes, boss," and
produced his implements. The customer sat down. He was duly shaved.
His face was wiped; he arose, and donned his coat and hat. "How much?"
he asked, in a dolorous voice, as he adjusted his shirt-collar.
"Fifteen cents, boss." "Why, I thought you shaved for ten cents at
this shop." "Dat ar's de average, sah," was the reply. "Ten cents is
de price of a shave in dis yer shop. You come in here, sah, and read
the news of Sheridan's victory, and your face got about six inches
longer dan when yer come in. If your face was like it was afore you
read dat yar news ten cents was the price. When you commenced to read
about de defeat of Early, den your face stretched down about four
inches. Dat's what makes it wurf fifteen cents for der shave." The
customer couldn't restrain a grin, though he was a Copperhead, and the
hit at him was made by a "nigger." He paid the fee, and walked out. He
was one of those gentlemen who go their length upon M'Clellan, and who
of course shudder at every victory to the Union arms.
WHAT HE DID THE FIRST YEAR.--29.
In one of the courts at Hartford, Connecticut, recently, a woman
was testifying on behalf of her son, and swore that he had worked
on a farm ever since he was born. The lawyer who cross-examined her
said, "You assert that your son has worked on a farm ever since he
was born?" "I do." "What did he do the first year?" "He milked,"
she replied. The whole court laughed heartily, and the witness was
questioned no further.
THE LEARNED MEMBERS OF THE AMERICAN LEGISLATURE.--30.
A good story is told of the landlord of a hotel at Holly Springs,
Miss. It was a large fashionable hotel, and the landlord was a pompous
man, with a large corporosity and a ruffled shirt-bosom. Printed bills
of fare were provided, yet the landlord stood at the head of the table
at dinner and, in a loud voice, read off the list of articles in a
rhyming way--"Here's boiled ham, and raspberry jam; baked potatoes and
cooked tomatoes; turnips smashed and squashes _squashed_;" and so on.
Mr. M. asked him afterward why he read it aloud when printed copies
were on the table. "Force of habit," replied the landlord; "got so
used to it I can't help it. You see, I commenced business down here in
Jackson (the capital of Mississippi), and most of all the Legislature
boarded with me. There wasn't a man of 'em could read, so I had to
read the bill of fare to 'em."
A CANDID PARSON.--31.
A Yankee divine, of an advanced age, married for his second wife a
damsel young and handsome. When the elders of the church went to
inquire if the lady was a suitable person to make a useful figure as
a parson's wife, he answered frankly that he didn't think she was.
"But," added the irrepressible doctor, "although I don't pretend she
is a saint, she is a very pretty little sinner, and I love her." The
twain became one flesh.
A STUMP ORATOR.--32.
An Ohio stumper, while making a speech, paused in the midst of it and
exclaimed, "Now, gentlemen, what do you think?" Instantly a man rose
in the assembly, and, with one eye partially closed, modestly replied,
"I think, sir--I do indeed, sir--I think if you and I were to stump
the country together we would tell more lies than any other two men in
the country, sir; and I'd not say a word during the whole time, sir."
THE COLONEL ANSWERED.--33.
A certain colonel, a staff officer of one of the northern generals,
noted for his talent for repartee and the favourable opinion which he
entertained of his own good looks, stopped at the house of a farmer,
and discovered there a fine milch cow, and, still better, a pretty
girl, attired in a neat calico dress cut low in the neck and short in
the sleeves. After several unsuccessful attempts to engage the young
lady in conversation, he proposed to her to have the cow milked for
his own special benefit. This she indignantly refused. The colonel
not wishing to compromise his reputation for gallantry, remarked that
if all the young ladies in Virginia were as beautiful as the one
he had the pleasure of addressing, he had no desire to conquer the
Confederacy. With a toss of her pretty head, and a slight elevation of
her nose, she answered thus: "Well, sir, if all the gentlemen in your
army are as ugly as you are we ladies have no desire to conquer them."
How are you, colonel?
PITHY LETTER.--34.
General Rosecrans a few days ago received the following pertinent
letter from an indignant private:--"General,--I have been in the
service eighteen months, and have never received a cent. I desire
a furlough for fifteen days, in order to return home and remove my
family to the poor-house." The general granted the furlough.
THE GRAHAM SYSTEM.--35.
A little prattler, who had been brought up on the Graham system, asked
what she should have to eat when she went to Heaven. "The bread of
life, my dear," was the reply. "Will there be any butter on it, ma?"
was the quick retort.
WARD BEECHER'S PREACHING.--36.
Henry Ward Beecher asked Park Benjamin, the poet and humorist, why
he never came over to Brooklyn to hear him preach. Benjamin replied,
"Why, Beecher, the fact is, I have conscientious scruples against
going to places of public amusement on Sunday."
KISSING IN WISCONSIN.--37.
A Milwaukee paper says that when a Wisconsin girl is kissed, she
looks surprised, and says, "How could you do it?" To which the swain
replies, "It will give me much pleasure to show you," and proceeds to
give her a duplicate.
TOO SLOW FOR PARADISE.--38.
Pickering is a very nervous little man, who fusses and fidgets about
in a remarkably quick manner, and who holds in detestation anything
that can possibly come under the head of a slow coach, and indulges in
rather queer expressions when anything moves too slow for his views.
He is blessed with a "maid-of-all-work," who has caused him to utter
more profane words during the past three months than three years in
purgatory can atone for. One evening last week he despatched the girl
upon an errand to the neighbouring store, and according to his ideas
she remained an unaccountably long time. He pulled out his watch and
looked half-a-dozen times within ten minutes, whistled, drummed upon
the table with his fingers, beat time with his feet upon the floor,
and finally started up again and began pacing the room, as if his
nervous agitation could in any degree accelerate the movements of the
absent abigail. But the girl came at length, and her impatient master
broke forth with--"For goodness' sake, Maggie, where have you been?"
"In the store, sir," was Maggie's reply. "Well," said her master, "it
is about one hundred yards to the store, and you have been fifteen
minutes in going and returning." "Yes, sir," broke in the girl. "Now,
Maggie," continued he, "take my advice, and when you die, remain
quietly in your grave, and never make an attempt to get to Heaven."
"And why not, sir?" queried the bewildered girl. "Because," said
Pickering, "the sun is ninety-six millions of miles from the earth,
and Heaven is beyond that; and if you ever make an attempt to get
there, at the rate you move, eternity will come to an end before you
reach your destination."
THAT'S A GOOD 'UN!--39.
Some one was telling Sam about the longevity of the mud turtle. "Yes,"
said Sam, "I know all about that, for once I found a venerable old
fellow in a meadow, who was so old that he could scarcely wiggle his
tail, and on his back was carved (tolerably plain, considering all
things) these words: 'Paradise, Year 1, Adam.'"
INTERESTING TO THE PARTIES CONCERNED.--40.
In connexion with the late riot in that city the _Boston Journal_
publishes the following:--The individual who dropped half of his thumb
at the corner of Cooper and North Mangin Streets on Tuesday night,
may have some interest in knowing that it has been picked up and
carefully preserved by a worthy citizen of Ward 5; and the individual
in his shirt sleeves who limped off with a bullet in his hip from a
spot near the same neighbourhood, on the same night, may receive the
brick he gave in exchange for it by returning the bullet to the 3rd
police-station.
A KNOWING JURYMAN.--41.
A New Jersey paper tells a story of a well-known character who
frequently figured on juries in New York. While on a jury, as soon
as they had retired to their room to deliberate, he would button up
his coat and "turn in" on a bench, exclaiming: "Gentlemen, I'm for
bringing in a verdict for plaintiff (or defendant, as he had settled
his mind), and all creation can't move me. Therefore, as soon as you
have all agreed with me, wake me up, and we'll go in."
PAY YOUR POSTAGE.--42.
An American paper commends the following terrible lines to some of its
correspondents who have forgotten to prepay their letters, and saddled
the editor with sundry twopences to save their penny. The wild beauty
of the lines bespeaks the editor to have been in a mesmeric _coma_:--
"The man who now-a-days will write,
And not prepay his letter,
Is worser than the heathen are,
What don't know any better.
"And if you take a fine tooth-comb,
And rake down all creation,
You couldn't find a meaner man
In this 'ere mighty nation."
SOUND ADVICE.--43.
The private secretary of a cabinet minister is a wag. The other day
a young man, decidedly inebriated, walked into the executive chamber
and asked for the governor. "What do you want with him?" inquired the
secretary. "Oh, I want an office with a good salary--a sinecure."
"Well," replied the secretary, "I can tell you something better for
you than a sinecure--you had better try a water cure." A new idea
seemed to strike the young inebriate, and he vanished.
SIMPLICITY.--44.
An exchange tells the following simple story of a little child
kneeling by his bed to pray, as he retired for the night. He said:
"Dear Heavenly Father, please don't let the large cow hook me, nor
the horse kick me; and don't let me run away outside of the gate when
mother tells me not to."
CORKING UP DAYLIGHT.--45.
It is reported that a Yankee down East has invented a machine for
corking up daylight, which will eventually supersede gas. He covers
the interior of a flour barrel with shoemaker's wax, holds it open to
the sun, then suddenly heads up the barrel. The light sticks to the
wax, and at night can be cut into lots to suit purchasers.
A BABY STORY.--46.
A very curious baby story comes to us from New Jersey. A mother and a
daughter were confined on the same day, each having a little son. In
the bustle of the moment, both babies were placed in the same cradle,
and, to the confusion of the mothers, when the youngsters were taken
from the cradle, they were unable to tell which was the mother's and
which was the daughter's son--a matter which, of course, must ever
remain a mystery. The family is in the greatest distress over the
affair.
MARRIAGE NOTICES.--47.
A Western paper gives the following notice:--All notices of marriage,
where no bride-cake is sent, will be set up in small type, and poked
into some outlandish corner of the papers. Where a handsome piece of
cake is sent, it will be put conspicuously in large letters; when
gloves, or other bride favours are added, a piece of illustrative
poetry will be given in addition. When, however, the editor attends
the ceremony in _propriâ personâ_, and kisses the bride, it will have
especial notice--very large type, and the most appropriate poetry that
can be begged, borrowed, stolen, or coined from the brain editorial.
A HOMELY FLAG OF TRUCE.--48.
A rebel at Gettysburg, wishing to surrender, and having nothing
else for a flag of truce, dived his hands into his pantaloons, and
elevated his shirt above his head, amid roars of laughter from the
Federals, who immediately accepted his unconditional surrender. Rather
a good thing for that rebel that he was the possessor of such a luxury
as a reasonably clean shirt.
HE HAD HIM THAT TIME.--49.
A candidate for office, wishing to describe his opponent as a
"soulless man," said: "Some persons hold the opinion that just at
the precise moment after one human being dies, another is born,
and the soul enters and animates the new-born babe. Now, I have
made particular inquiries concerning my opponent, and I find that
for some hours before he drew breath nothing but a donkey died.
Fellow-citizens, I will now leave you to draw the inference."
"DE DISSOLUTION OF COPARSNIPS."--50.
A coloured firm in Newark, New Jersey, having suffered some pecuniary
embarrassments, recently closed business, and the senior member gave
to the public the following "notis:"--"De dissolution of coparsnips
heretofo resisting twixt me and Mose Jones in the barber perfession,
am heretofo resolved. Pussons who ose must pay to de scriber. Dem what
de firm ose must call on Jones, as de firm is insolved."
UNACCEPTABLE GRATITUDE.--51.
Lieutenant J----n, late of the 16th regiment, was, a few days ago,
walking down Main Street, Utica, when he was accosted by a fellow,
half soldier, half beggar, with a most reverential military salute.
"God bless your honour," said the man, whose accent betrayed him to
be Irish, "and long life to you." "How do you know me?" said the
lieutenant. "Is it how do I know your honour?" responded Pat. "Good
right, sure, I have to know the man who saved my life in battle." The
lieutenant, highly gratified at this tribute to his valour, slid a
fifty cent bill into his hand, and asked him when. "God bless your
honour, and long life to you," said the grateful veteran. "Sure it was
at Antietam, when, seeing your honour run away as fast as your legs
could carry you from the rebels I followed your lead, and ran after
you out of the way whereby, under God, I saved my life. Oh! good luck
to your honour; I never will forget it to you."
FEELING HER WAY.--52.
General Schenck, discussing the Democratic platform, in a speech
at Hamilton, Ohio, brought down the House by the following
illustration:--"I know nothing at all that is like it, unless it may
be the character of the fruit that is sold by an old lady who sits at
the door of the court-house in Cincinnati. She is a shrewd old woman.
A young sprig of a lawyer stepped up one day and said to her, 'You
seem to have some fine apples; are they sweet or sour?' The old lady
tried to take the measure of her customer, and find out whether his
taste was for sweet or sour apples. 'Why, sir,' said she, 'they are
rather acid; a sort of low tart, inclined to be very sweet.'"
FORENSIC ELOQUENCE.--53.
The following is as an extract from the recent address of a barrister
"out West" to a jury:--"The law expressly declares, gentlemen, in the
beautiful language of Shakspeare, that where no doubt exists of the
prisoner, it is your duty to fetch him in innocent. If you keep this
fact in view, in the case of my client, gentlemen, you will have the
honour of making a friend of him and all his relations, and you can
allers look upon this occasion and reflect with pleasure that you have
done as you would be done by. But if, on the other hand, you disregard
the principle of law, and set at naught my eloquent remarks and fetch
him in guilty, the silent twitches of conscience will follow you all
over every fair cornfield, I reckon, and my injured and down-trodden
client will be apt to light on you one of these dark nights, _as my
cat lights on a sasserful of new milk_."
STORY WITH A MORAL.--54.
A young Yankee had formed an attachment for the daughter of a rich
old farmer, and after agreeing with the "bonnie lassie" went to the
old farmer to ask his consent; and during the ceremony, which was an
awkward one with Jonathan, he whittled away at a stick. The old man
watched the movements of the knife, at the same time continuing to
talk on the prospects of his future son-in-law, as he supposed, until
the stick was dwindled down to naught. He then spoke as follows:--"You
have fine property, you have steady habits; good enough looking; but
you can't have my daughter. Had you made something, no matter what,
of the stick you whittled away, you could have had her; as it is you
cannot. Your property will go as the stick did, little by little,
until all is gone, and your family reduced to want. I have read your
character; you have my answer."
ODD EXCUSE FOR NOT BEING HUNG.--55.
Two bushwhackers were captured, both of whom were very properly dealt
with summarily by being hanged. One of them had received a shot in
the shoulder, inflicting a painful wound, disabling him from making
his escape. While the officer was arranging the hempen necklace about
the wounded tory's neck, it produced considerable pain in the wounded
shoulder, which induced him to exclaim--"Oh! do please don't! I don't
believe I can bear to be hung--my shoulder is so sore!"
AN AGREEABLE CUSTOMER.--56.
"Stranger, I want to leave my dog in this 'ere office till the boat
starts; I'm afraid somebody will steal him." "You can't do it," said
the clerk; "take him out." "Well, stranger, that is cruel; but you're
both dispositioned alike, and he's kinder company for you." "Take him
out!" roared the clerk. "Well, stranger, I don't think you're honest,
and you want watching. Here, Dragon," he said to the dog, "sit down
here, and watch that fellow sharp!" and turning on his heel said: "Put
him out, stranger, if he's troublesome." The dog lay there till the
boat started, watching and howling at every movement of the clerk, who
gave him the better half of the office.
FAILED FOR A GOOD REASON.--57.
Many a glorious speculation has failed for the same good reason that
the old Taxan ranger gave when he was asked why he didn't buy land
when it was dog cheap. "Wall, I did come nigh onto taking eight
thousand acres once't," said old Joe, mournfully. "You see, two of
the boys came in one day from an Indian hunt without any shoes, and
offered me their titles to two leagues just below for a pair of
boots." "For a pair of boots!" we exclaimed. "But why on earth did you
not take it? They'd be worth a hundred thousand dollars to-day. Why
did'nt you give them the boots?" "Just because I did'nt have the boots
to give," said old Joe, as he took another chew of tobacco, quite as
contented as if he owned two hundred leagues of land.
WRITING TO THE OLD WOMAN.--58.
"Massa," said the black steward to his captain, as they fell in with
a homeward-bound vessel, "I wish you would write a few lines for me
to the old woman, 'cause I can't write." The good-natured skipper
complied, and wrote all that Pompey dictated. As the captain was about
to seal up the letter, Pompey reminded him that he had omitted to say,
"Please 'scuse de bad writin' and spellin'."
"I'M THE BAGGAGE."--59.
As the mid-day Worcester train was about leaving the _dépôt_, a man of
the Johnsonian type of manners entered one of the cars, and gruffly
requested that two young ladies occupying separate seats should sit
together, that he and his friend might enjoy a _tête-à-tête_ on the
other seat. "But," said one of the damsels, blushing, "this seat
is engaged." "Engaged, is it?" brusquely responded the man; "who
engaged it!" "A young man," said the conscious maiden. "A young man,
eh! where's his baggage?" persisted Ursa Major. "I'm his baggage,
Old Hateful," replied the demure damsel, putting her rosy lips into
the prettiest pout. "Old Hateful" subsided; the young man came
in, extended his arm protectingly, almost caressingly, around his
"baggage," and Mr. Conductor Capron started the train.
CROSS PURPOSES.--60.
A colporteur recently entered a log-house of a dweller in Ohio, and
asked the mistress of the household if they had the gospel there.
She said: "No; but they have it dreadful bad about four miles below."
This may have been the same colporteur who entered another log-house,
and inquired if there were any Presbyterians in that vicinity. He was
answered: "I guess not; my old man has not killed any since we have
lived here." In one instance the colporteur was taken for a doctor; in
the other for a hunter.
THE CHICKENS IN TENNESSEE.--61.
One day a wealthy old lady, whose plantation was in the vicinity of
the camp, came in and inquired for General Payne. When the commander
made his appearance, the old lady, in warm language, at once
acquainted him with the fact that his men had stolen her last coop
full of chickens, and demanded their restitution or their value in
currency. "I am sorry for you, madam," replied the general, "but I
can't help it. The fact is, madam, we are determined to squelch out
the rebellion, if it takes every chicken in Tennessee."
A SONNET INSTEAD OF A BONNET.--62.
An officer in Banks's department recently received a letter from his
little daughter at home, asking him to send her money with which to
buy a new bonnet, to which he replied as follows:--
"I would send you a kiss, dear daughter,
As pure from a fond father's lips,
And as chaste as the drop of water
That fresh from an icicle drips;
But kisses thus sent in a letter
Would lose all their sweetness for thee,
And I know it would please thee far better
To receive a few greenbacks from me.
But as I am 'hard up,' and you not in need,
You will have to put up with the will for the deed;
I therefore send you this nice little sonnet,
Instead of the greenbacks to buy you a bonnet."
THE OLD HEN AND CHICKENS.--63.
Aunt E. was trying to persuade little Eddy to retire at sundown. "You
see, my dear, how the little chickens go to roost at that time." "Yes,
aunty," replied Eddy, "but the old hen always goes with them." Aunty
tried no more arguments with him.
STRANGE PECULIARITIES.--64.
A Western editor sums up the peculiarities of a contemporary as
follows:--He is too lazy to earn a meal, and too mean to enjoy one. He
was never generous but once, and that was when he gave the itch to an
apprentice boy--so much for his goodness of heart! Of his industry, he
says, the public may judge when he states that the only time he ever
worked was when he mistook castor oil for honey.
GRIM WELCOME.--65.
On the evening before the last unsuccessful attempt to storm the
defences of Port Hudson, some of our skirmishers were endeavouring,
under cover of darkness, to draw closer to the rebel works. A rebel
sentinel discovered them, and hallooed out: "How are you, Yank?" One
of our men replied: "Yes, we're bound to come." "All right," returned
the rebel, "we have got room enough to bury you."
BACHELORISM A LUXURY.--66.
"You bachelors ought to be taxed," said Mrs. Dackford to a resolute
evader of the matrimonial noose. "I agree with you perfectly, madam,"
was the reply, "for bachelorism is a luxury."
A COOL CUSTOMER.--67.
The _Winsted_ (Ct.) _Herald_ thinks the fellow who wrote the
following note, not considering it any disappointment to postpone
his wedding, is a philosopher. The note was addressed to a Winsted
clothing dealer:--"Dear Sir,--I do not care for the velvet collar,
so you may do as you please about putting it on. It was no serious
disappointment, only I should have been married if I had received the
goods."
SCRIPTURE NAMES.--68.
Some young ladies who had been attending an evening party, desired
to return home, but had no male attendant. The master of the house
requested his son to accompany them, and made use of a scripture name.
What was it? Jeroboam--Jerry beau 'em.
Jerry proving reluctant, the gentleman desired another son to act as
escort. What scripture name did he utter? Lemuel--Lem you will.
Still there was a difficulty, and a like request was made in a similar
manner to another son. What was it? Samuel--Sam you will.
Sam having consented, the parties took their seats in a sleigh, for
the purpose of going home. It was found there was plenty of room for
one more. What scripture name did the old gentleman use to induce
another son to accompany the guests? Benjamin--Ben jam in.
The driver was requested to start in another scripture name. What was
it? Joshua--Josh away.
When the sleigh was fairly off, it was discovered that one of the
young ladies had been left behind. There was no possibility of
recalling her companions, so the old gentleman asked still another of
his sons to console the young lady for her disappointment. What was
the last scripture name thus used? Ebenezer--Eben ease her.
AN INQUIRING MIND.--69.
Some people have very inquiring minds; but few, we think, carry their
curiosity so far as a Yankee friend of ours, who rang the bell of a
fashionable residence the other day, and when the servant girl made
her appearance, politely inquired, "What are you going to have for
dinner to-day?" The girl, thinking the man was one of their tradesmen,
and had made the inquiry in his business capacity, innocently replied,
"Mutton, sir." "Mutton--with sauce?" "Yes, sir." "Ah, well! I was
passing by, and thought I would inquire. Good morning." The servant
was indignant when she came to comprehend the man's motive, but he was
too far up the street to hear her angry denunciations.
THE WAY OF THE WORLD.--70.
Mr. Dickson, a coloured barber in a large New England town, was
shaving one of his customers, a respectable citizen, one morning,
when a conversation occurred between them respecting Mr. Dickson's
former connexion with a coloured church in that place. "I believe
you are connected with the church in Elm Street, are you not, Mr.
Dickson?" said the customer. "No, sah, not at all." "Why did you leave
your connexion, Mr. Dickson, if I maybe permitted to ask?" "Well, I'll
tell you, sah," said Mr. Dickson; "it was just like dis: I jined the
church in good fait; I gave ten dollars towards de stated gospel de
fus' year, and de church people call me _Brudder_ Dickson; the second
year my business was not so good, and I gib only five dollars. Dat
year people call me _Mr._ Dickson. Dis razor hurt you, sah?" "No, the
razor goes tolerably well." "Well, sah, the third I fell berry poor;
had sickness in my family, and didn't gib nothin' for preachin'. Well,
sah, arter dat dey call me 'dat ole nigger Dickson,' and I left 'em."
KNOCKING AT THE CHURCH DOOR.--71.
An Indianapolis editor attending church on a recent Sabbath for the
first time in many years, stopped at the entrance, and after looking
in vain for the bell-pull, deliberately knocked at the door, and
politely waited until somebody opened it and let him in.
SCENE IN AN AMERICAN COURT.--72.
There was a hush in the police court-room as the red-nosed judge took
his seat upon the bench, and in a pompous tone of authority shouted,
"Bring the prisoner into court!" "Here I am, bound to blaze, as the
spirit of turpentine said when he was all a-fire," said the prisoner.
"We'll take a little fire out of you. How do you live?" asked the
judge. "I ain't particular, as the oyster said when they asked him
if he'd be roasted or fried." "We don't want to know what the oyster
said, or the spirits of turpentine either. What do you follow?"
"Anything that comes in my way, as the locomotive said when she ran
over a little nigger." "Don't care anything about the locomotive. What
is your business?" "That's various, as the cat said when she stole
the chicken off the table." "If I hear any more absurd comparisons,
I will give you twelve months." "I'm done, as the beefsteak said to
the cook." "Now, sir, your punishment shall depend on the shortness
and correctness of your answers. I suppose you live by going round
the docks." "No, sir; I can't go around the docks without a coat,
and I ain't got none." "Answer me, sir! How do you get your bread?"
"Sometimes at the baker's, and sometimes I eat taters." "No more of
your stupid nonsense. How do you support yourself?" "Sometimes on my
legs, and sometimes on a chair." "How do you keep yourself alive?" "By
breathing, sir." "I order you to answer this question correctly. How
do you do?" "Pretty well, I thank you, judge. How do you do?" "I shall
have to commit you." "Well, you've committed yourself first, that's
some consolation." The prisoner went out of court with a jerk, and was
hastened to gaol.
SOAP COMING HANDY.--73.
During one of the recent battles, while a regiment of our troops
was rapidly marching over a dusty road, in changing their position
on the field, a soldier noticed a cake of soap at a little distance
from the rank, and sprang forward to get it, saying, "I shall need
it after this fight." The shells of the enemy were falling thickly;
and just as the soldier seized the soap, one dropped close behind him
and exploded, tearing open an immense hole in the earth, and nearly
burying the poor fellow. Every one supposed he was blown to pieces,
but almost immediately he struggled out, begrimed with dirt from head
to foot, yet holding on to the soap, and exclaiming, "There, I told
you I should need it!" Fortunately, he passed through the battle
unhurt, and found his well-earned soap a great convenience.
A CONDENSED NOVEL.--74.
Josh, here am a seafaring novel, dat missis gib me, case she know'd I
was too lazy to read de whole book; and, by golly, it am just de ting
for dese people dat lub to skip ober such stuff! Just read it: Gulf
of Mexico; small ship; young man; very interesting; very romantic;
black glossy curls; aquiline features; florid complexion; commanding
figure; black clouds; "Pipe all hands to quarters;" storm coming
on; very dangerous; "All hands to the pumps;" "There goes the gib!"
masts cut away; storm clearing; all hands pumping; monster ship in
the distance; very suspicious; black flag; skull and cross-bones;
pirate; sailors fearful; young man determined; bound to die or perish
in the attempt; armed to the teeth; addresses the sailors; great
enthusiasm; flag of the free; die for our country; pirate approaches;
hundred guns; pirate captain; big whiskers; crew all fiends; calls
for a surrender; young man scorns; broadside; female shrieks on board
the pirate ship; beauty in distress; young man vows vengeance; young
man's ship sinking; flag shot off; nails it to the mast; crew leave
in boats; board the pirate; terrific combat; seven pirates attack
boatswain; kills two with a chaw of tobacco; throws others overboard;
sharks around vessel; young man kills pirate captain; pirates give in;
shouts tremendous; victory; young man rushes into cabin; finds young
lady nearly dead; brings her to; falls in love; papers discovered;
young man son of a nobleman; young lady rich heiress; tells her story;
was stolen way by gipsies; sold to pirate captain; Heaven sent young
man; preserved; falls on her knees; young man embraces her; sailors
get drunk; marriage at sea; "life on the ocean wave;" ship in port;
young man promoted; land of liberty. "Yankee Doodle!" FINIS.
SECURING HIS TRUNK.--75.
A traveller stopped at a hotel in Wheeling several days. His trunk
looked cheap, but was very heavy, when carried up-stairs. Traveller
disappeared; trunk was heavier than before; it could not be lifted.
Landlord broke it open; found it empty, and nailed to the floor, with
two spikes driven through the bottom.
A DRY JOKE IN A DRY GOODS' STORE.--76.
An amusing incident recently took place in one of our dry goods'
stores down town. A good-looking, honest-faced country girl, came to
town with her lover, to do a trifle of shopping. The magnitude of the
store, the piles on piles of goods, the dazzling array of articles,
the rows of busy clerks, the flitting cash boys, quite overpowered
our good friend, who scarcely knew what to do. Her swain obstinately
refused to go in, but loitered about the door. The clerks being all
busy just at the moment, the young lady was obliged to remain standing
a few moments. At length, a dapper fellow, with gold watch and chain
and flourishing moustache, came bowing and smiling up to the blushing
customer, with--"Anybody waiting on you, madam?" The colour deepened
in her cheeks, as she hesitated and drew a long breath; till, finally,
with a nod of her head towards the door, she faltered out, "Yes, sir;
he is."
YANKEE NOTION OF MACBETH.--77.
After having witnessed the performance, from what I could make out of
the play I don't think Macbeth was a good moral character; and his
lady appeared to me to possess a tarnation dictatorial temper, and to
have exceedingly loose notions of hospitality, which, together with an
unpleasant habit of talking to herself and walking about _en chemise_,
must make her a decidedly unpleasant companion.
THE PUGNACIOUS RAM.--78.
John B. Gough, in one of his eloquent temperance lectures, was
encouraging those who signed the pledge to stick to it. "Stick to
it," said he, "as the old ram did to his butting." The story is that
a farmer had a ram which would run his head against the cows, horses,
pigs, and, indeed, against everything in motion. The farmer himself
was more than once butted over, and he finally determined to break up
this propensity: so he tied a heavy block of wood upon a rope, and
hung it on the limb of a tree. The block was set in motion, and the
ram, seeing it move towards him, hit it a blow. This sent it off;
but it swung back, and the ram hit it again, and so kept on doing.
The farmer watched him until it was dark, and then left him (true to
his nature) butting away. Early in the morning, on going out to see
how the ram had fared, he found that he had butted himself all away,
except a part of his tail, and that was hammering away at the swinging
block. That's the way to stick to your pledge.
A HORRIFIED DANDY.--79.
A dandy, who was seated on the balcony of a Saratoga hotel, among
a large company, was exquisitely dressed, and very highly perfumed
with musk, which is very disagreeable to some persons. A plain farmer
happening to pass near him, commenced snuffing suspiciously, and,
looking around for the cause of the musky effluvia, he soon smelt out
the dandy, and thus addressed him:--"I say, mister, I can tell ye
what'll take that smell out of yer clothes: just bury 'em under ground
for a week. My uncle run agin a skunk once, and--" but before the
sentence was finished the enraged dandy sped from the crowd to escape
the shouts of laughter, while the innocent farmer, who only meant to
do him a kindness, was wondering what caused his sudden departure.
STRIKING EFFECT OF A STRIKE.--80.
A Boston contemporary says he finds among his exchanges the following
paragraph:--"The p_r_interS aRe on A [upside down S]_tr_iKe
[side down f]or hi[upside down g]her [upside down wa]GeS,
[upside down W]e H[sideways a]ve [sideways C]on_c_Lude_d_
tO sEt o[sideways u]r o[sideways w]n tYp[upside down e]s
[upside down i]n f_u_tUr[upside down e]! It [sideways si]
EAsy [upside down e]Nou[_upside down g_]h,"
[TN: "The printers are on a strike for higher wages, we have
concluded to set our own types in future! It is easy enough,".]
HABITS OF A GREAT MAN.--81.
Several paragraphs (says a New York paper) have been going the rounds
in relation to the habits of great men, which paragraphs, as usual,
are all wrong; inasmuch as we have had the pleasure of dining and
hobnobbing with all the great men of this and every other country
on the face of the globe. An illustration will prove this to the
satisfaction of everybody. Mr. Seward generally rises from his bed
in the morning about the time he gets up. He rarely, if ever, eats
his breakfast before he gets it. He is not particular what kind of
food he has, if he is provided with what he calls for. In his dress
he is plain; never appearing in public without his pantaloons. He
never wears his vest outside of his coat. He speaks his native dialect
without a foreign accent. As an evidence of the methodical precision
with which he attends to business, it is only necessary to allude to
the fact that he invariably draws his salary the moment it is due; his
memory in this respect is prodigious. He generally writes on paper,
and uses a pen, which at intervals he dips into a stand of ink, that
he keeps upon his table.
BILLY BRAY.--82.
The enrolling officer of Salisbury district, Maryland, was very
active and thorough in the performance of his duty. One day he went
to the house of a countryman, and finding none of the male members of
the family at home, made inquiry of an old woman about the number and
age of the "males" of the family. After naming several, the old lady
stopped. "Is there no one else?" asked the officer. "No," replied the
woman; "none except Billy Bray." "Billy Bray! where is he?" "He was at
the barn a moment ago," said the old lady. Out went the officer, but
could not find the man. Coming back, the worthy officer questioned the
old lady as to the age of Billy, and went away, after enrolling his
name among those to be drafted. The time of the drafting came; among
those on whom the lot fell was Billy Bray. No one knew him. Where did
he live? The officer who enrolled him was called on to produce him;
and, lo and behold! Billy Bray was a _Jackass_! and stands now on the
list of drafted men as forming one of the quota of Maryland.
TRANSATLANTIC MATRIMONIAL ADVERTISEMENTS.--83.
We clip the subjoined advertisements relating to matrimony from the
_New York Herald_. As they are unique in their way, our readers will,
no doubt, be amused by perusing them. It is to be hoped that the
ardent gentleman in quest of "some congenial soul" is by this time in
a fair way of resigning his bachelorhood:--
"'De Factum.'--The undersigned, a young gentleman versed
in the ways of the world, and of a cheerful temperament,
seeks for some congenial soul with whom he can exchange
vows of unchanging love. He is considered good-looking,
is twenty-five years of age, and possesses a comfortable
fortune. Wealth no object, as a true-hearted lady is all he
desires. Any young lady or widow may, if they are prompted
by sincere motives, address," &c.
"Two young gentlemen, possessed of large fortunes, but
rather green, wish to open correspondence with young ladies
of the same circumstances, with a view to matrimony.
Brunettes preferred; but no objection to blondes, provided
they are perfect--past all parallel. Address," &c.
"I am desirous to form the acquaintance of an Italian or
Spanish gentleman with an ultimate view to marriage. As
I cannot see myself as others see me, of myself I say
nothing. Address," &c.
"Should this meet the eye of any sensible man not over
thirty-five, who would like a wife that understands
housekeeping in all its branches, educated and refined,
whose forte is not all in a piano, he can address, &c.
Cartes de visite desired."
A CITIZEN OF ALL THE STATES.--84.
A son of the Emerald Isle, but not himself green, was taken up (for
he was at the time down) near a rebel encampment not far from the
Manassas Junction. In a word, Pat was taking a quiet nap in the
shade, and was roused from his slumbers by a scouting party. He wore
no special uniform of either army, but looked more like a spy than
an alligator, and on this he was arrested. "Who are you?" "What is
your name?" and "Where are you from?" were the first questions put to
him by the armed party. Pat rubbed his eyes, scratched his head, and
answered: "By my faith, gintlemen, them is ugly questions to answer
any how; and before I answer any of them, I'd be after axin you, by
yer lave, the same thing." "Well," said the leader, "We are of Scott's
army, and belong to Washington." "All right," said Pat; "I know'd
ye was gintlemen, for I am the same. Long life to Gineral Scott!"
"Aha!" replied the scout, "now, you rascal, you are our prisoner," and
seized him by the shoulder. "How is that?" inquired Pat; "are we not
friends?" "No," was the answer; "we belong to General Beauregard's
army." "Then you told me a lie, me boys; and thinking it might be so,
I told you another. Now, tell me the truth, and I'll tell the truth
too." "Well, we belong to the State of South Carolina." "So do I,"
promptly responded Pat, "and to all the other States of the country
too; and there I'm thinking I bate the whole of ye. Do you think I
would come all the way from Ireland to belong to one State, when I had
a right to belong to the whole of 'em?"
MIXING THE BABIES.--85.
Patrick Lyon, an Irishman, and Hans Heidelbrooke, a German, and their
families, both occupy one house in Cincinnati. Some nights since the
families of both were increased, Pat's wife presenting him with
twins, and Hans' wife presenting him with one, all girls. The nurse
being desirous of contemplating the relative beauties of the little
cherubs, with the hopes of finding out if there is any difference
between a youthful Teuton and a cherub of Erin, got them so hopelessly
mixed that it was impossible to distinguish "tother from which." Here
was a terrible state of affairs. But the mother wit of the Irishwoman
solved the difficulty. She was entitled to two of the children any
how, and two she would take, and if either of them when grown up
should talk Dutch she would repudiate its paternity and lay claim to
the third. The Dutch woman coincided with the idea, and clasped to her
bosom the remaining child, resolved to watch for the first indication
of the brogue that might change her parental love to unmitigated
disgust.
DANIEL WEBSTER AND WILLIAM WIRT.--86.
Daniel Webster was once engaged in a case in one of the Virginia
courts, and the opposing counsel was William Wirt, author of the "Life
of Patrick Henry," which has been criticised as a brilliant romance.
In the progress of the case Mr. Webster produced a highly respectable
witness, whose testimony (unless disproved or impeached) settled the
case, and annihilated Mr. Wirt's client. After getting through the
testimony he informed Mr. Wirt, with a significant expression, that
he was through with the witness, and he was at his service. Mr. Wirt
rose to commence the cross-examination, but seemed for a moment quite
perplexed how to proceed, but quickly assumed a manner expressive
of his incredulity as to the facts elicited, and coolly eyeing the
witness a moment he said: "Mr. K----, allow me to ask you whether you
have ever read a work called Baron Munchausen?" Before the witness had
time to reply, Mr. Webster quickly rose and said: "I beg your pardon,
Mr. Wirt, for the interruption, but there was one question I forgot to
ask the witness, and if you will allow me that favour I promise not
to interrupt you again." Mr. Wirt, in the blandest manner, replied,
"Yes, most certainly;" when Mr. Webster, in the most deliberate and
solemn manner, said: "Sir, have you ever read Wirt's 'Life of Patrick
Henry?'" The effect was so irresistible, that even the judge could not
control his rigid features. Mr. Wirt himself joined in the momentary
laugh, and turning to Mr. Webster said, "Suppose we submit this case
to the jury without summing up;" which was assented to, and Mr.
Webster's client won the case.
NOT TO BE DONE.--87.
You have heard, perhaps, reader, of the encounter between an
Englishman and the market-woman at a fruit-stand in New York. The
Englishman had learned of the Yankee habit of bragging, and he thought
he would cut the comb of that propensity. He saw some huge watermelons
on the market-woman's stand, and walking up to her, and pointing at
them with a look of disappointment, said: "What! don't you raise
bigger apples than these in America?" The woman looked at him for a
moment, and then retorted: "Apples! any body might know you was an
Englishman. Them's huckleberries."
CAUGHT UNAWARES.--88.
A wager was laid on the Yankee peculiarity of answering one question
by asking another. To decide the bet a Down-Easter was interrogated.
"I want you," said the better, "to give me a straightforward answer
to a plain question." "I kin du it, mister," said the Yankee. "Then
why is it New Englanders always answer a question by asking one in
return?" "_Du they?_" was Jonathan's reply.
THE YOUNG PATRIOT.--89.
"No, William Baker, you cannot have my daughter's hand in marriage
until you are equal in wealth and social position." The speaker
was a haughty old man of some sixty years, and the person whom he
addressed was a fine-looking young fellow of twenty-five. With a sad
aspect, the young man withdrew from the stately mansion. Six months
later he stood again in the presence of the haughty father, who thus
angrily addressed him: "What! you here again?" "Ah, old man," proudly
exclaimed William Baker, "I am here--your daughter's equal and yours!"
The old man's lip curled with scorn, a derisive smile lit up his cold
features; when casting violently upon the marble centre table an
enormous roll of greenbacks, William Baker cried--"See! Look on this
wealth; and I've tenfold more! Listen, old man! You spurned me from
your door, but I did not despair. I secured a contract for furnishing
the army of the ---- with beef----" "Yes, yes!" eagerly exclaimed the
old man. "And I bought up all the disabled cavalry horses I could
find----" "I see, I see!" cried the old man; "and good beef they make,
too." "They do, they do! and the profits are immense." "I should say
so." "And now, sir, I claim your daughter's fair hand." "Boy, she is
yours. But hold! Look me in the eye. Throughout all this have you
been loyal?" "To the core!" cried William Baker. "And," continued
the old man, in a voice husky with emotion, "are you in favour of a
vigorous prosecution of the war?" "I am, I am!" "Then, boy, take her!
Maria, child, come hither. Your William claims thee. Be happy, my
children! And, whatever our lot in life may be, let us all support the
Government."
DEMOSTHENES NOT DEAD.--90.
They have orators out in Illinois, if we trust the description of
a certain military one, furnished us by a correspondent in that
State:--It was in dog-days, and a great hue and cry had been raised
about mad dogs. Although no person could be found who had seen one,
the excitement still grew by the rumours it was fed on. A meeting
of the citizens was called for the purpose of devising plans for
the extermination not only of mad dogs, but, to make safety doubly
sure, of dogs in general. The "brigadier" was appointed chairman.
After stating the objects of the meeting in a not very parliamentary
manner, instead of taking his seat and allowing others to make some
suggestions, he launched forth into a speech of some half-hour's
length, of which the following burst of forensic splendour is a
sample:--"FELLER CITIZENS,--The time has come when the
overcharged feelings of aggrawated human natur are no longer to be
stood. Mad dogs are midst of us; their shriekin' yelp and fomy track
can be heered and seen on our peraries. Death follers in their wake;
shall we sit here like cowards while our lives and our neighbours'
lives are in danger from their dreadful vorashus hidrofobie caninety?
No, it mustn't be. E'en now my house is torn with conflictin' feelin's
of wrath and wengeance; a funeral pyre of wild cats is burstin'
within me. I have horses and cattle, I have sheep and pigs, I have
a wife and children, and," rising higher as the importance of the
subject deepened in his estimation, "I have money out at interest;
_all in danger of bein' bit by these infernal dogs_!"
A PUZZLED JUDGE.--91.
A man, named Josh, was brought before a country squire for stealing
a hog, and three witnesses being examined swore they saw him steal
it. A wag, having volunteered as counsel for Josh, knowing the scope
of the squire's brain, arose and addressed him as follows:--"May it
please your honour, I can establish this man's honesty beyond the
shadow of a doubt, for I have twelve witnesses ready to swear that
they DID NOT see him steal it." The squire rested his head
for a few moments upon his hand, as if in deep thought, and with great
dignity arose, and, brushing back his hair, said: "If there are twelve
who did not see him steal it, and only three who did, I discharge the
prisoner."
TO NEWSPAPER BORROWERS.--92.
An up-country editor thus pays his respects to "Newspaper
borrowers--May theirs be a life of single blessedness; may their paths
be carpeted with cross-eyed snakes, and their nights be haunted with
knock-kneed tom-cats."
PADDLE YOUR OWN CANOE.--93.
Up this world, and down this world,
And over this world and through,
Though drifted about,
And tossed without,
Why, "paddle your own canoe."
What though the sky is heavy with clouds,
Or shining a field of blue;
If the bleak wind blows,
Or the sunshine glows,
Still "paddle your own canoe."
What if breakers rise up ahead,
With dark waves rushing through,
Move steadily by
With a steadfast eye,
And "paddle your own canoe."
If a hurricane rise in the midnight skies,
And the stars are lost to view,
Glide safely along,
With a smile and a song,
And "paddle your own canoe."
Up this world, and down this world,
And over this world and through,
Though weary and worn,
Bereft and forlorn,
Still "paddle your own canoe."
Never give up when trials come,
Never grow sad and blue.
Never sit down
With a tear and a frown,
But "paddle your own canoe."
There are daisies springing along the shores,
Blooming and sweet for you;
There are rose-hued dyes
In the autumn skies--
Then "paddle your own canoe."
TO SNORERS.--94.
An inventive Yankee has produced an apparatus which, he says, is a
cure for snoring. He fastens upon the nose a gutta-percha tube leading
to the tympanum of the ear. Whenever the snorer snores, he himself
receives the first impression, finds how disagreeable it is, and, of
course, reforms.
INGENIOUS BOOT-BLACK.--95.
The street boot-blacks are one of the "institutions" of New York, as
well as of some other large cities. These boys are generally so polite
and so industrious that we rather like them, and sometimes take a
"shine up" just to see them work, and to chat with the smart little
fellows. Here is a case illustrating their ingenuity:--A well-dressed
man standing at a hotel-door not long since was hailed by one of them
with the usual question, "Shine up, sir?" "What do you charge for
blacking boots?" asked the man, who was somewhat noted for stinginess.
"Five cents," was the reply. "Too much, too much; I'll give you three
cents," said the man. "All right," said the youngster, and at it he
went with might and main, and very soon had one boot shining like a
mirror; but, instead of commencing on the other he began to pack up
his brushes. "You havn't finished," exclaimed the man. "Never mind,"
replied the boot-black, with a twinkle in his eye; "I won't charge you
anything for what I've done; there comes a customer who pays." The
man glanced at the shining boot, then at the other, which was rusty
and bespattered with mud, thought of the ridiculous figure he would
make with _one_ polished boot, and amid the laughter of the bystanders
agreed to give the sharp boy ten cents to finish the job, which he did
in double quick time, and with great pleasure.
A YANKEE'S AUTOBIOGRAPHY.--96.
Sir, I was born and raised in Connecticut;
Bolted to sea, and was wreck'd in Japan;
Quite a respectable figure I 'spect I cut,
When coming back to keep school I began.
Guess at the saw-mill I proved a top sawyer,
And as a minister made a small splurge;
Reckon I felt more at home as a lawyer,
Ere as a doctor I learn'd how to purge.
But the long words in the medical lexicon
Soon I forgot from a couple of years
Spent in campaigning against the darn'd Mexican,
When I commanded the Bragg Volunteers.
Just for a change, then a paper I edited,
Scorch'd politicians, and pitch'd into books;
That was before I was envoy accredited--
Austrian plenipo--General Snooks.
'Tis a slow life--that of Minister resident--
Posting despatches to kings, and what not;
But, as they propose to run me for President,
Hang'd if I care to repine at my lot.
COLD PICTURE.--97.
An eminent artist, American, of course, lately painted a snow-storm so
naturally that he caught a bad cold by sitting near it with his coat
off.
LINCOLN ON NIGGER MATHEMATICS.--98.
Our humorous Chief Magistrate was lately visited by one of the "On
to Richmond," sword of Gideon gentry, who confidently expressed the
hope so common among the abolition noodles, that Lee's army would be
"bagged." The President grinned to the utmost of his classic mouth,
and remarked that he was afraid there would be too much "nigger
mathematics" in it. The visitor smiled at the allusion, as he felt
bound in politeness to do, supposing there must be something in it,
though he could not see the point. "But I suppose you don't know what
'nigger mathematics' is?" continued Mr. Lincoln. "Lay down your hat
a minute and I'll tell you." He himself resumed the sitting posture,
leaned back in his chair, elevated his heels on the table, and went
on with his story. "There was a darky in my neighbourhood called
Pompey, who, from a certain quickness in figuring up the prices of
chickens and vegetables, got the reputation of being a mathematical
genius. Mr. Johnson, a darkey preacher, heard of Pompey and called
to see him. 'Here ye're a great mat'm'tishum, Pompey.' 'Yes sar, you
jas try.' 'Well, Pompey, Ize compound a problem in mat'matics.' 'All
right, sar.' 'Now Pompey, spose dere am tree pigeons sittin' on a
rail-fence, and you fire a gun at 'em and shoot one, how many's left?'
'Two, ob coors,' replies Pompey, after a little wool scratching.
'Ya! ya! ya!' laughs Mr. Johnson; 'I knowed you was a fool, Pompey;
dere's none left; one's dead, and dudder two's flown away.' That's
what makes me say," continued Mr. Lincoln, "that I am afraid there was
too much 'nigger mathematics' in the Pennsylvania campaign." And the
result showed that in this instance, at least, the anecdote suited the
fact. Lee's army was the three pigeons. One of them was taken down at
Gettysburg, but the other two flew over the Potomac.
THE WRONG TRAIN.--99.
Some young men, going from Columbus to Cincinnati Ohio, in the cars,
were getting rather noisy and profane, when a gentleman in a white
cravat tapped one of them on the shoulder, with the remark, "Young
man, do you know that you are on the road to perdition?" "That's just
my luck; I got a ticket for Cincinnati, and I've got into the wrong
train."
SCIENTIFIC AGREEMENT.--100.
A California paper tells the story of a showman who delighted an
"appreciating public" with a view of the Mammoth Cave. It was his
custom, as each scene was exhibited, to explain it. When the great
cave came to view, he stepped forward and said: "Ladies and gentlemen,
this is a great phenomena--indeed, the greatest of the world. The
learned of all nations have visited it; but while none could agree
as to the cause which had produced it, they all came to this grand
conclusion, that it was one of the most tremendous holes in the ground
they had ever seen."
THE SADDEST SIGHT.--101.
The attention of bachelors is invited to the following "wail" from
the _Springfield Republican_:--"There are some sad sights in this
world: a city sacked and burned--a London in the midst of a plague--a
ship burning at sea--a family pining in starvation--a jug of molasses
wrecked on the pavement; but the saddest sight to us of all is an old
bachelor, stolidly walking towards his end, his great duties undone,
his shirt buttons off, his stockings out at the toes, and nobody to
leave his money to. Were we such a man, the mild, reproving eye of
a widow or maiden lady would drive us mad. But there is still hope.
Uglier and older men than any of our friends have married beautiful
wives, who trained them admirably, and spent their money elegantly."
NO DOUBT.--102.
A western editor, in noticing a new and splendid hearse, says, "He has
no doubt it will afford much satisfaction to those who use it."
JOB'S PATIENCE--AS VIEWED BY A LADY.--103.
If there _is_ a proverb that needs revamping, it is "_the patience
of Job_." Now, in the first place, Job _wasn't_ patient. Like all the
rest of his sex, from that day to the present, he could be heroic only
for a time. He _began_ bravely, but ended, as most of them do under
annoyance, by cursing and swearing. Patient as Job! Did Job ever try,
when he was hungry, to eat shad with a frisky baby in his lap? Did Job
ever try, after nursing one all night, and upon taking his seat at the
breakfast-table the morning after, to pour out coffee for six people,
and second cups at that, before he had a chance to take a mouthful
himself? Pshaw! I've no patience with "Job's patience." It is of no
use to multiply instances; but there's not a faithful house-mother in
the land who does not out-distance him in the sight of men and angels
every hour in the twenty-four.
HUNTING UP A SOFT PLACE.--104.
"I was down to see the widow yesterday," said Tim's uncle, "and
she gave me a dinner. I went down rather early in the morning. We
talked, and laughed, and chatted, and run on, she going out and in
occasionally, till dinner was ready, when she helped me graciously to
a piece of pie. Now I thought that, Tim, rather favourable. I took it
as a symptom of personal approbation, because everybody knows I love
pigeon pie, and I flattered myself she had cooked it on purpose for
me. So I grew particularly cheerful, and thought I could see it in
her too. So, after dinner, while sitting close beside the widow, I
fancied we both felt kind of comfortable like: I know I did. I fell
over head and ears in love with her, and I imagined, from the way she
looked, she had fallen in love with me. She appeared for all the world
as if she thought it was coming. Presently--I couldn't help it--I
laid my hand softly on her beautiful shoulder, and I remarked, when I
placed it there, in my blandest tones, Tim--for I tried to throw my
whole soul into the expression--I remarked, then, with my eyes pouring
love, truth, and fidelity right into hers: 'Widow, this is the nicest,
softest place I ever had my hand in all my life!' Looking benevolently
at me, and at the same time flushing up a little, she said, in melting
and winning tones: 'Doctor, give me your hand, and I'll put it on a
much softer place.' In a moment, in rapture, I consented, and, taking
my hand, she very gently, Tim, and quietly laid it on my head. Now,
Tim, I havn't told this to a livin' soul but you, and, by jinks! you
musn't. But I couldn't hold in any longer, so I tell you; but, mind,
it musn't go any further."
ENGLISH GRAMMAR.--105.
The "Comic Grammar" says:--
But remember, though box
In the plural makes boxes,
The plural of ox
Should be _oxen_, not oxes.
To which an exchange paper adds:--
And remember, though fleece
In the plural is fleeces,
That the plural of goose
Aren't _gooses_ nor _geeses_.
We may also be permitted to add:--
And remember, though house
In the plural is houses,
The plural of mouse
Should be _mice_, and not _mouses_.
--_Philadelphia Gazette._
All of which goes to prove
That grammar a farce is;
For where is the plural
Of rum and molasses?
--_New York Gazette._
The plural--_Gazette_--
Of rum don't us trouble;
Take one glass too much
And you're sure to see double.
--_Brooklyn Daily Advertiser._
A pair of blue eyes--
Just to vary the strain--
Says the plural of kiss
Is--"Do it again!"
--_Howard County Sentinel._
Our English vernacular
Is rife in abuse:
"Unloose" is the same thing
As if you said _loose_!
--_Montreal Pilot._
To these observations
We also might add
Much to prove that all grammar's
Deplorably bad;
But for Lennie and Murray
We have too much respect,
To say e'en a word
Having evil effect.
--_Anon._
ALL WELL.--106.
A young lady of extraordinary capacity, addressed the following letter
to her cousin:--"We is all well, and mother's got the his Terrix;
brother Tom is got the Hupin Kaugh, and sister Ann has got a babee,
and hope these few lines will find you the same. Rite sune. Your
apfhectionate kuzzen."
WHAT HE ALWAYS DID AT HOME.--107.
There is a story told of an Irishman who, landing in our harbour, was
met and welcomed by a countryman who had been longer here. "Welcome,
Pat," said the latter, "I'm glad to see ye; ye've come just in
time, for to-morrow's election day." Pat and his friend took some
refreshment together, and presently the newly arrived began to make
some inquiries about voting. "Ye'll vote for who ye plaize," said his
friend, "sure it's a free counthry." "Well, thin, begorra," rejoined
Pat, "I go agin the Government, that's what I always did at home."
HAVING THE COFFIN HANDY.--108.
A man near Cleveland, Ohio, applied for exemption from the draft
because an old mother needed his cherishing care. To show how much
feeling this affectionate son has for his old mother, the neighbours
say he has had her coffin in the house for over two years. He came
to town with a load of wood one day, and being unable to sell it, he
contrived to trade it off with an undertaker for a coffin. His mother
being old, might die suddenly, and then, as Mrs. Toddles says, "how
handy it would be to have in the house." Being of a frugal as well as
an ingenious turn of mind, he put the coffin in the cellar to keep
turnips, against such time as the old lady might drop off.
PATERNAL ADVICE.--109.
"Ven you arrive at the dignity of sawin' wood, Lafayette, if you is
elvevated to that perfesshun, mind and always saw de biggest fust;
cause vy? you'll only have te leetle vuns to saw ven you gets tired
out. Ven you eats pie, as I spose you may if you lives to be a man,
eat de crust fust--tain't a good thing to top off with, if it's tough
and thick as sole leather. Ven you piles up wood, alvays put de pig
vuns on to te bottom--always, Lafayette, cause it's mighty hard vork
to lift dem to de top ob te pile. Dese are te results ob observation,
Lafayette, and may be depended on, and it's for your good I say it."
"Vy, father," said young hopeful, "vot a 'normous 'xperience you must
a had!"
THE FIRST MARRIAGE.--110.
We like short courtships, and in this Adam acted like a sensible man.
He fell asleep a bachelor, and awoke to find himself a married man. He
appeared to have popped the question almost immediately after meeting
Mademoiselle Eve, and she without any flirtation or shyness, gave him
a kiss and herself. Of this first event in the world, we have however,
our thoughts, and sometimes in a poetical mood have wished that we
were the man that did it. But the deed is done. The chance was Adam's
and he improved it. We like the notion of getting married in a garden;
it is a good taste. We like a private wedding--Adam's was private. No
envious beaux were there; no croaking old maids; no chattering aunts
and grumbling grandmothers. The birds of heaven were the minstrels,
and the glad sky flung its light upon the scene. One thing about
the wedding brings queer thoughts to us spite of scriptural truth.
Adam and his wife were rather young to be married--some two or three
days old, according to the sagest speculations of theologians; mere
babies--larger, but no older; without experience, without a house,
without a pot or kettle--nothing but love and Eden.
NOVEL COMMENTARY BY A PARSON.--111.
A minister at a camp meeting was delivering a discourse on pride, and,
in cautioning the ladies against it, he said: "And you, dear sisters,
may perhaps feel proud that our Lord paid you the distinguished
honour of appearing first to one of you after the resurrection; but
you have no reason for it, as it was undoubtedly done that the glad
tidings might spread sooner."
LOBSTER SALAD.--112.
In a lecture at Portland, Maine, the lecturer, wishing to explain to
a little girl the manner in which a lobster casts his shell when he
has outgrown it, said: "What do you do when you have outgrown your
clothes? You cast them aside, do you not?" "Oh, no!" replied the
little one, "we let out the tucks!" The lecturer confessed she had the
advantage of him there.
COULDN'T HELP IT, IN FACT.--113.
A grand jury down South ignored a bill against a negro for stealing
chickens, and before discharging him from custody, the judge bade him
stand reprimanded, and he concluded thus:--"You may go now, John,
but let me warn you never to appear here again." John, with delight
beaming in his eyes, and a broad grin, displaying a beautiful row
of ivory, replied: "I wouldn't been here dis time, Judge, only de
constable fotch me."
AFTER JOINING CHURCH.--114.
Uncle Sam had a neighbour who was in the habit of working on Sunday,
but after a while he joined the church. One day he met the minister
to whose church he belonged. "Well, Uncle Sam," said he, "do you see
any difference in Mr. P. since he joined the church?" "Oh, yes," said
Uncle Sam, "a great difference. Before, when he went out to mend his
fences on Sunday, he carried his axe on his shoulder, but now he
carries it under his over-coat."
REMARKABLE DREAM.--115.
A bashful youth was paying his addresses to a gay lass of the country,
who had long despaired of bringing things to a crisis. Youth called
one day when she was alone at home. After settling the merits of the
weather, Miss said, looking slyly into his face, "I dreamed of you
last night," "Did you? Why, now." "Yes, I dreamed you kissed me!"
"Why, now, what did you dream your mother said?" "Oh, I dreamed she
wasn't at home." A light dawned on Youth's intellect, and directly
something was heard to crack.
THE NEST EGG.--116.
Some friends of ours in Ohio have a little boy about six years old,
and a little girl about four. They had been cautioned in their morning
strife after hens' eggs not to take away the nest egg; but one morning
the little girl reached the nest first, seized an egg, and started for
the house. Her disappointed brother followed, crying, "Mother, mother!
Suzy, she's been and got the egg the old hen measures by!"
WOULDN'T YOU LIKE TO KNOW? BY J. G. SAXE.--117.
I know a girl with teeth of pearl
And shoulders white as snow;
She lives--ah! well,
I must not tell--
Wouldn't you like to know?
Her sunny hair is wondrous fair,
And wavy in its flow.
Who made it less
One little tress--
Wouldn't you like to know?
Her eyes are blue (celestial hue)
And dazzling in their glow.
On whom they beam
With melting gleam--
Wouldn't you like to know?
Her lips are red and finely wed,
Like roses ere they blow.
What lover sips
Those dewy lips--
Wouldn't you like to know?
Her fingers are like lilies fair,
When lilies fairest grow.
Whose hand they press
With fond caress--
Wouldn't you like to know?
Her foot is small, and has a fall
Like snow-flakes on the snow.
And where it goes
Beneath the rose--
Wouldn't you like to know?
She has a name, the sweetest name
That language can bestow.
'Twould break the spell
If I should tell--
Wouldn't you like to know?
WOMAN-OLOGY.--118.
We (_Home Journal_) wish to be learned in the subtle science of
the softer sex. We aspire to know, at least, what it is that makes
woman so adorable as magnetism pronounces her to be, and we have
seen nothing so tributary to this science as an article in "Once a
Month," entitled "The Good that hath been said of Woman." From the
pleasant little periodical we speak of (edited by a younger brother of
our own), we quote thus largely:--"One day the Fairy Blue descended
upon earth with the courteous intention of distributing to all her
daughters, inhabitants of different lands, the treasures and favours
she brought with her. Her dwarf, Amaranth, sounded his horn, and
immediately a young girl of each nation presented herself at the foot
of the throne of Fairy Blue. This happened a long time before the
revolution of July, 1830. The good Fairy Blue said to all her friends:
'I desire that none of you shall have to complain of the gift I am
about to make you. It is not in my power to give each of you the
same thing; but such want of uniformity in my largesses, should that
deprive them of all merit?' As time is precious to the fairies, they
say but little. Fairy Blue here finished her speech, and commenced the
distribution of her gifts. She gave to the young girl who represented
the Castiles, hair so black and so long that she could make a mantilla
of it. To the Italian girl she gave eyes, sparkling and brilliant as
an eruption of Vesuvius at midnight. To the Turkish, an _embonpoint_
round as the moon, and soft as eider-down. To the English, an
aurora-borealis, to tint her cheeks, her lips, her shoulders. To the
German, such teeth as she had herself, and what is not worth less
than pretty teeth, but which has its price, a feeling heart, and
one profoundly disposed to love. To the Russian girl she gave the
distinction of a queen. Then, passing to detail, she placed gaiety
upon the lips of a Neapolitan girl, wit in the head of an Irish, good
sense in the heart of a Flemish; and when she had no more to give,
she prepared to take her flight. 'And I?' said the Parisian girl,
retaining her by her blue tunic. 'I had forgotten you.' 'Entirely
forgotten, Madam?' 'You were too near me, and I did not perceive you.
But what can I do now? The bag of gifts is exhausted.'"
OLE HARRY AND OLE NICK.--119.
When Nicholas Biddle, familiarly called Nick Biddle, was connected
with the United States Bank, there was an old negro named Harry, who
used to be loafing about the premises. One day, in a social mood,
Biddle said to the darkey, "Well, what is your name, my old friend?"
"Harry, sir--ole Harry," said the other, touching his seedy hat. "Old
Harry," said Biddle; "why, that is the name they give to the devil, is
it not?" "Yes, sir," said the coloured gentleman; "sometimes ole Harry
and sometimes ole Nick."
WESTERN OBITUARY NOTICE.--120.
Mister Edatur,--Jem bangs, we are sorry to stait, has desized. He
departed this Life last mundy. Jem was generally considered a gud
feller. He died at the age of 23 years old. He went 4th without any
struggle; and sich is Life. Tu Day we are as pepper grass, mighty
smart, to-Murrer we are cut down like a cowcumber of the ground. Jem
kept a nice stoar, which his wife now waits on. His virchews was
numerous to behold. Many is the things we bot at his grocerry, and
we are happy to stait to the admirin world that he never cheeted,
especially in the wate of markrel, which was nice and sweet, and his
surviving wife is the same wa. We never knew him to put sand in his
sugar, tho he had a big sand bar in front of his hous; nor water in
his Lickuris, tho the Ohio River runs past his dore. Pece to his
remaines. He leves a wife, 8 children, a cow, 4 horses, a grocerry
stoar, and quadrupets, to mourn his loss; but, in the spalendid
language of the poit, his loss is there eternal gane.
PUTTING FORWARD HIS CREED.--121.
The gentleman who edits the _Kentucky Rifle_, having been taken to
task by a lady correspondent as to what constituted his particular
faith, thus puts forward his creed:--"We believe that Mrs. Zebedee
was a nice woman and that Mr. Zebedee was the father of his own
children. We believe that guano and lime mixed together will make
splendid hartshorn. It is our opinion that a donkey's kick and editing
a newspaper are two of the hardest things in creation. We believe
that getting 'tight' loosens the morals, but we shall always contend
that it is cheaper in the long run to try the experiment with good
whisky than with a mean article. We believe that a man who can be kept
awake six nights in the week with jumping toothache, and be 'roused'
by a squalling baby just as he has fallen into a doze on the seventh
night, without getting mad or wondering why babies and toothache were
invented, is a greater philosopher than Newton, and a greater hero
than Leonidas and all his Spartans put together. We believe that a man
is not likely to be sick so often if he pays his physician by the year
as if he pays him by the visit. We believe that every well-regulated
family ought always to have one baby in it, just for the fun of the
thing. We believe that the man who invented tallow candles must have
been too poor to afford pine-knots. It is our opinion that if a number
of gentlemen are sitting together talking sensibly upon some subject,
and a lady enters, they will immediately commence talking foolishly
and keep it up until she makes her exit. We believe they do so by way
of complimentary condescension to female weakness."
NOT SO.--122.
Many proverbs admit of contradiction, as witness the following:--"The
more the merrier." Not so--one hand is enough in a purse. "Nothing but
what has an end." Not so--a ring has none, for it is round. "Money
is a great comfort." Not when it brings a thief to the gallows. "The
world is a long journey." Not so--the sun goes over it in a day. "It
is a great way to the bottom of the sea." Not so--it is but a stone's
cast. "A friend is best found in adversity." Not so--for then there
is none to be found. "The pride of the rich makes the labour of the
poor." Not so--the labour of the poor makes the pride of the rich.
THE OHIO DEMOCRACY.--123.
The _Cincinnati Commercial_, in a report of a Vallandigham meeting
at Carthage, Ohio, sets down what it calls "the barometrical
register" of the meeting as follows:--"Nine a.m.--Invitations to
drink are freely offered and accepted. Ten a.m.--Sober, but drinking.
Eleven a.m.--Noisy and demonstrative; liquor becoming effective.
Twelve a.m.--Generally 'tight;' pugnacity rising. One p.m.--Rather
drunk; fights freely offered. Two p.m.--Quite drunk; black eyes in
abundance--holders not very firm. Three p.m.--Very drunk; hacks and
furniture-cars in demand. Four p.m.--D--cidedly drunk; too far gone to
fight."
A NICE GIRL.--124.
There is nothing half so sweet in life--half so beautiful, or
delightful, or so loveable--as a "nice girl." Not a pretty, or a
dashing, or an elegant girl, but a _nice_ girl. One of those lovely,
lively, good-tempered, good-hearted, sweet-faced, amiable, neat,
happy, domestic creatures met within the sphere of home, diffusing
around the domestic hearth the influence of her goodness like the
essence of sweet flowers. A nice girl is not the languishing beauty,
dawdling on a sofa, and discussing the last novel or opera; or the
giraffe-like creature sweeping majestically through a drawing-room.
The nice girl may not even dance or play well, and knows nothing
about "using her eyes," or coquetting with a fan. She is not given to
sensation novels--she is too busy. At the opera, she is not in front
showing her bare shoulders, but sits quietly and unobtrusively--at
the back of the box most likely. In fact, it is not often in such
scenes we discover her. Home is her place. Who rises betimes, and
superintends the morning meal? Who makes the toast and the tea, and
buttons the boys' shirts, and waters the flowers, and feeds the
chickens, and brightens up the parlour and sitting-room? Is it the
languisher, or the giraffe, or the _élégante_? Not a bit of it--it's
the nice girl. Her unmade toilet is made in the shortest possible
time; yet how charmingly it is done, and how elegant her neat dress
and plain colour! What kisses she distributes among the family! No
presenting a cheek or a brow, like a "fine girl," but an audible
smack, which says plainly, "I love you ever so much." If I ever
coveted anything, it is one of the nice girl's kisses. Breakfast
over, down in the kitchen to see about dinner; always cheerful and
light-hearted. She never ceases to be active and useful until the day
is done, when she will polka with the boys, and sing old songs, and
play old tunes to her father for hours together. She is a perfect
treasure, is the "nice girl," when illness comes; it is she that
attends with unwearying patience to the sick chamber. There is no
risk, no fatigue that she will not undergo, no sacrifice that she will
not make. She is all love, all devotion. I have often thought it would
be happiness to be ill, to be watched by such loving eyes and tended
by such fair hands. One of the most strongly marked characteristics
of a "nice girl" is tidiness and simplicity of dress. She is ever
associated in my mind with a high frock, plain collar, and the
neatest of neck-ribbons, bound with the most modest little brooch in
the world. I never knew a "nice girl" who displayed a profusion of
rings and bracelets, or who wore low dresses or a splendid bonnet.
I say again, there is nothing in the world half so beautiful, half
so intrinsically good, as a "nice girl." She is the sweetest flower
in the path of life. There are others far more stately, far more
gorgeous, but these we merely admire as we go by. It is where the
daisy grows that we lie down to rest.
A REASON FOR DEAR CREAM.--125.
The _Boston Post_ says that the reason why cream is so dear is, that
milk has risen so high the cream can't reach the top.
ADVICE TO PARENTS.--126.
Rear up your lads like nails, and then they'll not only go through the
world, but you may clench 'em on to the other side.
EXTRAORDINARY CROW.--127.
A native of Kentucky imitates the crowing of a cock so remarkably
well, that the sun, upon several occasions, has risen two hours
earlier by mistake.
LOGS WANTED.--128.
The printer of the _Western Gazette_ lately published the following
notice:--"Dry stove wood wanted immediately at this office, in
exchange for papers. N.B. Don't bring logs that the _Devil_ can't
split."
LOOK ON THIS PICTURE AND ON THIS.--129.
_Matrimony._--Hot buckwheat cake--comfortable slippers--smoking
coffee--buttons--redeemed stockings--boot-jacks--happiness.
_Bachelorhood._--Sheet-iron quilts--blue noses--frosty rooms--ice
in the pitcher--unregenerated linen--heelless stockings--coffee
sweetened with icicles--gutta-percha biscuits--flabby steaks--dull
razors--corns--coughs and colics--rhubarb--aloes--misery.
ABSENCE OF MIND.--130.
A Mr. Jaber J. Jenkinson, of Arkansas, whose sight is such as to
render glasses necessary, put his spectacles on his ear instead of his
eyes, one day last week, and actually walked three miles sideways in a
heavy rain before he discovered his mistake.
DOMESTIC ECONOMY.--131.
The _Boston Herald_ has the following infallible recipe:--"To make
pie: Play at blind man's buff in a printing-office. To have music at
dinner: Tell your wife she is not so handsome as the lady who lives
over the way. To save butter: Make it so salt that nobody can eat it."
TALL RELATIONS.--132.
The wit deservedly won his bet who, in a company when every one was
bragging of his tall relations, wagered that he himself had a brother
twelve feet high. He had, he said, "two half-brothers, each measuring
six feet."
WE WONDER, TOO.--133.
A little boy once said to his aunt, "Aunty, I should think that Satan
must be an awful trouble to God." "He must be troubled enough,
indeed, I should think," she answered. "I don't see how he came to
turn out so, when there _was no devil to put him up to it_."
INFLAMMABLE AND DANGEROUS.--134.
Judge Beeler put a notice over his factory-gate at Lowell: "No cigars
or Irishmen admitted within these walls; for," says he, "the one will
set a flame agoin' among my cotton, and t'other among my gals. I won't
have no such inflammable and dangerous things about me on no account."
A RARE PRINTER.--135.
A western paper contains the following advertisement:--"Wants a
situation, a practical printer, who is competent to take charge of
any department in a printing and publishing house. Would accept a
professorship in any of the academies. Has no objection to teach
ornamental painting and penmanship, geometry, trigonometry, and many
other sciences. Is particularly suited to act as pastor to a small
Evangelical church, or as a local preacher. He would have no objection
to form a small but select class of interesting young ladies, to
instruct in the highest branches. To a dentist or chiropodist he
would be invaluable, as he can do almost anything. Would board with a
family, if decidedly pious."
SOMETHING LIKE A GOOD SHOT.--136.
Two passengers coming down the Mississippi in a steamboat were amusing
themselves with shooting birds on the shore from the deck. Some
sporting conversation ensued; one remarked that he would turn his back
to no man in killing racoons--that he had repeatedly shot fifty a
day. "What o' that?" said a Kentuckian; "I make nothing of killing a
hundred 'coon a day, or'nary luck." "Do you know Captain Scott, of our
State?" asked a Tennessean bystander; "he, now, is something like a
shot. A hundred 'coon! why he never points at one without hitting him.
He never misses, and the 'coons know it. T'other day he levelled at an
old 'un, in a high tree; the varmint looked at him a minute, and then
bawled out, 'Hallo, Cap'n Scott, is that you?' 'Yes,' was the reply.
'Well, pray don't shoot, I'll come down to you--I'll give in--I'm dead
beat.'"
ABSENCE OF MIND.--137.
A highly respectable inhabitant in the city of New York lately died
under very remarkable circumstances. He was subject to fits of extreme
absence of mind from childhood; and one night, upon retiring to rest,
having carefully tucked his pantaloons under the bed-clothes, he threw
himself over the back of a chair, and expired from the severe cold he
experienced during the night. The editor of the _New York Herald_, who
relates this extraordinary fact, assures his readers, as a guarantee
of its truth, that he received his information from the individual in
question.
A REMARKABLE MAN.--138.
There is a man in the West who is described as being so remarkably
tall that he requires a ladder to shave himself! The same individual
never troubles his servant to sit up for him when he is out late at
night, for he can, with the most perfect ease, put his arm down the
chimney and unbolt the street-door.
SPECTACLES AND BIBLE READING.--139.
The will of Elias Boudinot, of New Jersey, has just been proved. It
contains the following clause:--"I give to the president and managers
of the New Jersey Bible Society 200 dollars, to be laid out in the
purchase of spectacles, to be given by them to the poor old people; it
being in vain to give a Bible to those who cannot obtain the means of
reading it."
TO THE POINT.--140.
An officer who was inspecting his company one morning spied one
private whose shirt was sadly begrimed. "Patrick O'Flynn!" called out
the captain. "Here, yer honour!" promptly responded Patrick, with
his hand to his cap. "How long do you wear a shirt?" thundered the
officer. "Twenty-eight inches," was the rejoinder.
EXTRAORDINARY MOTTO.--141.
The _New York Herald_ has the following for its motto:--"Take no
shin-plasters (all damned rogues who issue them), live temperately,
drink moderately, eschew temperance societies, take care of the
sixpences, never hurt a saint, go to bed at ten, rise at six, never
buy on credit, fear God Almighty, love the beautiful girls, vote
against Van Buren, and kick all politicians and parsons to the devil."
EXCESSIVE POLITENESS.--142.
A Californian poet gives the following lesson on politeness to the
youth of the Golden State:--
"Indeed, my friends, far better it would seem,
Were you to choose the opposite extreme;
Like one 'Down East' who an umbrella took,
And from the rain gave shelter to a duck;
Who to a limping dog once lent his arm,
And to a setting hen said, 'Don't rise, ma'am;'
Nor e'er to lifeless things respect did lack--
Said always to a chair, 'Excuse my back;'
'Excuse my curiosity,' he said to books;
And to the looking-glass, 'Excuse my looks.'"
"A SHELL IN DE STOVE."--143.
The _New York Herald's_ Morris Island correspondent relates as follows
an incident of the operations at Charleston:--Quite an uproar was
occasioned in the rear of the _Herald's_ tent here yesterday. General
Terry, whose head-quarters adjoin those of your correspondent, has a
sable cook, who wanted some lead for his fishing-tackle, and undertook
to melt some from the outside of a ten-pound Parrot shell, which he
discovered lying about the camp. Placing the projectile in a stove,
and seating himself where he could catch the molten metal in a shovel
as it fell, he soon had the satisfaction of seeing one of the most
startling views ever brought to his vision. The shell exploded, and
besides blowing the stove and cookhouse to atoms, inflicted serious
wounds upon the darkey. My servant, a contraband from Beaufort, gave
vent to the universal sentiment, while he was surveying the wreck
which the explosion occasioned, and from which we so narrowly escaped,
in the following sage remark:--"De dam ole fool, come clar gown yere
f'm Bos'n an' put a shell in de stove!" If General Terry's niggers
continue to obtain their "sinkers" in this manner, you may expect to
hear that the _Herald's_ head-quarters have been removed.
DIAMOND CUT DIAMOND.--144.
In New York, a quick-witted toper went into a bar-room and called
for something to drink. "We don't sell liquor," said the law-evading
landlord; "we will give you a glass, and then if you want a cracker
(a biscuit) we'll sell it you for three cents." The "good creature"
was handed down, and our hero took a stiff horn; when, turning round
to depart, the unsuspecting landlord handed him the dish of crackers,
with the remark, "You'll buy a cracker?" "Well, no, I guess not;
you sell 'em too dear. I can get lots on 'm five or six for a cent
anywhere else."
EDITORIAL TRIBULATIONS.--145.
The editor of the _American Mechanic_ has encountered trials unknown
to ordinary men. Just hearken unto his wailings:--"Owing to the
fact that our paper-maker disappointed us, the failure of the mails
deprived us of our exchanges, a Dutch pedlar stole our scissors, the
rats ran off with the paste, and the devils went to the circus, while
the editor was at home tending the baby, our paper is unavoidably
postponed beyond the period of its publication."
SAMBO AND CUFFEE.--146.
Varnum S. Mills, of this city, tells a story illustrative of the
simplicity of Virginia niggers. He was visiting a friend in the Old
Dominion, who owns many slaves, among whom were two, named Sambo and
Cuffee, who seemed to be mortal enemies. Sambo was a favourite with
the master, who one day said to him: "Sambo, you have always been a
good nigger, and when you die you shall have a funeral. My family will
all attend, and all the niggers shall be present, and Cuffee shall
be a pall-bearer." The darkey looked his master in the face with the
simplicity of a soft clam when dug out of the mud at low tide, and
indignantly responded: "Massa, if Cuffee comes to de funeril, I won't
go to the grabe." It apparently did not occur to Sambo that he should
be "conveyed" thither.
AN ODE ON GAS.--147.
A country town having been recently lighted with gas, the local editor
electrifies the community with an ode:
"Luminous blaze!
I never seen the like in all my born days!
Tallow candles ain't no mor'n tar
When you're about;
And spirit lamps is no whar,
Bein clean dun out.
"Sparkling lite!
I think I never seen anything half so brite;
Everything is amazing clear;
The hidjus glume
Is defunct; and every cheer
Is apparient in the rume!
"Gloryous halo!
Your skintelashuns make a surprising display;
You don't need no snuffers,
But you are just scrude out;
When you are squenched by puffers,
Ojus fumes aryse.
"Brillyant flame!
The nites was next to darkness when you came;
But candles has vanisht
Before you, and lard oil gone to grass;
Every greasy nuisance has been banisht--
Hurraw for Gass!"
CURIOSITIES OF AMERICAN SPEECH.--148.
In a book on Americanisms, published last year, a Baltimore young
lady is represented as jumping up from her seat, on being asked to
dance, and saying, "Yes, sirree: for I have sot, and sot, and sot,
till I've nigh tuk root!" I cannot say I have heard anything quite
equal to this; but I very well remember that at a party given on
board one of the ships at Esquimault, a young lady declined to dance
a "fancy" dance upon the plea, "I'd rather not, sir. I guess I'm not
_fixed up_ for waltzing;" an expression the peculiar meaning of which
must be left to readers of her own sex to decide. An English young
lady who was staying at one of the houses at Mare Island when we were
there, happened one evening, when we were visiting her friends, to
be confined to her room with a headache. Upon our arrival, the young
daughter of our host--a girl of bout twelve--went up to her to try to
persuade her to come down. "Well," she said, "I'm _real_ sorry you're
so poorly. You'd better come, for there are some almighty swells down
there!" A lady speaking of the same person, said, "Her hair, sir, took
my fancy right away!" Again, several of us were one day talking to a
tall, slight young lady about the then new-fashioned crinoline which
she was wearing. After a little banter, she said, "I guess, captain,
if you were to take my hoops off you might draw me through the eye of
a needle!" Perhaps one of the most whimsical of these curiosities of
expression, combining freedom of manner with that of speech, was made
use of to Captain Richards by a master-caulker. He had been vainly
endeavouring to persuade the captain that the ship required caulking;
and at last he said in disgust, "You may be liberal as a private
citizen, captain, but you're mean to an almighty pump-tack!"--in his
official capacity of course. Again, an American gentleman on board
of one of our mail-packets was trying to recall to the recollection
of the mail-agent a lady who had been fellow-passenger with them on
a former occasion. "She sat opposite you at table all the voyage,"
he said. "Oh, I think I remember her; she ate a great deal, did she
not?" "Eat, sir!" was the reply; "she was a perfect gastronomic
fillibuster!" One more example and I have done with a subject upon
which I might enlarge for pages. The boys at the school at Victoria
were being examined in Scripture, and the question was asked, "In what
way did Hiram assist Solomon in the building of the temple?" It passed
two or three boys, when at last one sharp little fellow triumphantly
exclaimed, "Please, sir, he _donated_ him the lumber."
VERY LIKELY.--149.
"From Camden to Bletchly, a distance of forty miles I travelled along
with Mrs. Greaves. She was a sweet and interesting woman--so sweet
and interesting that, fastidious as I am on the subject, I believe I
would have been willing to have kissed her. I had, however, several
reasons for not perpetrating this act. First, I am such a good husband
I wouldn't even be guilty of the appearance of disloyalty to my sweet
wife. Second, I was afraid our fellow-passengers would see me and tell
Greaves. Third, I do not think Mrs. G. would let me."
CURIOUS EVENT.--150.
A diffident Hartford bachelor went to the sea-shore in August to seek
refuge from the loneliness of his celibacy, and one dark evening,
enjoying the breeze on the piazza of his hotel, happened to take a
seat that had just been vacated by the husband of a loving wife,
with whom the happy man had been chatting. In a few moments the lady
returned, and, mistaking the stranger for her husband, lovingly
encircled his neck and gave him an affectionate kiss, with the remark,
"Come, darling, is it not about time to retire?" He did not faint, but
the shock was very severe.
HOT PIES.--151.
One freezing February morning a negro hawked mutton pies in a basket
around Faneuil Hall Square, roaring out, "Hot mutton pies!" "Hot
mutton pies!" A teamster bought and tried to bite one, but found it
frozen as solid as the curb-stone. "What do you call them hot for, you
black and blue swindler?" yelled the teamster to the shivering pieman.
"Wy, wy, a white man guv 'em to me hot dis mornin'. Dey was hot wen
I got 'em dis mornin'!" "Well, you fool, it didn't take ten minutes
to freeze them in that old basket. Why call them hot now?" "Wy, bless
you, dats de name ob 'em--de name ob 'em! If I didn't holler de right
name nobody would tetch 'em. You want me to holler froze pies, I
suppose! No, sa; you can't fool me dat way!"
A MIGHTY THICK FOG.--152.
A rather loquacious individual was endeavouring to draw an old man
into conversation, but hitherto without much success, the old fellow
having sufficient discernment to see that his object was to make
a little sport for the passengers at his expense. At length says
loquacious individual: "I suppose you consider Down East a right smart
place; but I guess it would puzzle them to get up quite so thick a fog
as we are having here this morning, wouldn't it?" "Well," said the
old man, "I don't know about that. I hired one of your Massachusetts
chaps to work for me last summer, and one rather foggy mornin' I sent
him down to the meadow to lay a few courses of shingle on a new barn
I was finishin' off. At dinner-time the fellow came up, and, sez he,
'That's an almighty long barn of yourn.' Sez I, 'Not very long.'
'Well,' sez he, 'I've been to work all this forenoon, and haven't got
one course laid yet.' 'Well,' sez I, 'you're a lazy fellow, that's all
I've got to say.' And so after dinner I went down to see what he'd
been about, and I'll be thundered ef he hadn't shingled more than a
hundred foot _right out on to the fog_."
WHISKERS AND KISSES.--153.
The editress of the _Lancaster Literary Gazette_ says she would as
soon nestle her nose in a rat's nest of swingle tow as allow a man
with whiskers on to kiss her. We (_Petersburg Express_) don't believe
a word of it. The objections which some ladies pretend to have to
whiskers all arise from envy. They don't have any. They would if they
could; but the fact is, the continual motion of the lower jaw is fatal
to their growth. The ladies--God bless them!--adopt our fashion as
far as they can. Look at the depredations they have committed on our
wardrobes the last few years. They have appropriated our shirt-bosoms,
gold studs and all. They have encircled their soft bewitching necks
in our standing collars and cravats--driving them to flatties and
turn-downs. Their innocent little hearts have been palpitating in the
inside of our waistcoats, instead of thumping against the outside,
as naturally intended. They have thrust their pretty feet and ankles
through our unmentionables, unwhisperables, unthinkaboutables; and
they are skipping along the streets in our high-heeled boots. Do you
hear, gentlemen?--we say boots!
LITTLES.--154.
Everything is beautiful when it is little (except souls!)--little
pigs, little lambs, little birds, little kittens, little children.
Little Martin boxes of houses are generally the most happy and cozy;
little villages are nearer to being atoms of a shattered paradise
than anything we know of. Little fortunes bring the most content, and
little hopes the least disappointment. Little words are the sweetest
to hear, and little charities fly furthest and stay the longest on
the wing. Little lakes are the stillest, little hearts the fullest,
and little farms the best tilled. Little books the most read, and
little songs the best loved. And when Nature would make anything
especially rare and beautiful, she makes it little--little pearls,
little diamonds, little dews. Agar's is a model prayer, but then it
is a little prayer, and the burden of the petition is for little.
The Sermon on the Mount is little, but the last dedication discourse
was two hours. The Roman said, "_Veni, vidi, vici_"--I came, saw,
conquered; but despatches now-a-days are longer than the battles they
tell of. Everybody calls that little which they love best upon earth.
We once heard a good sort of a man speak of his little wife, and we
fancied she must be a perfect _bijou_ of a woman. We saw her; she
weighed two hundred and ten; we were surprised. But then it was no
joke--the man meant it. He could put his wife in his heart, and have
room for other things besides; and what was she but precious, and what
could she be but little? We rather doubt the stories of great argosies
of gold we sometimes hear of, for Nature deals in littles altogether.
Life is made up of littles, death is what remains of them all. Day
is made up of little beams, and night is glorious with little stars.
_Multum in parvo_--much in little--is the great beauty of all that we
love best, hope for most, and remember longest.
SPEAKING HIS DEEP EMOTIONS.--155.
"My dear Ellen," said Mr. Softfellow to a young lady whose smiles
he was seeking, "I have long wished for this sweet opportunity, but
I hardly dare trust myself now to speak the deep emotions of my
palpitating heart; but I declare to you, my dearest Ellen, that I love
you most tenderly; your smiles would shed--would shed----" "Never mind
the wood-shed," said Ellen, "go on with that pretty talk."
SPIRITUALISM EXTRAORDINARY.--156.
An enthusiastic spiritualist, when relating to a sceptic certain
spiritual performances to which he could testify, said that on one
occasion the spirit of his wife, who had been dead several years,
returned to him, and, seating herself on his knee, put her arms around
him and kissed him, much to his gratification, as she used to do when
living. "You do not mean to say," remarked the sceptic, "that the
spirit of your wife really embraced you and kissed you?" "No, not
exactly that," replied the believer; "but her spirit took possession
of the female medium--the future Mrs. B---- that is to be, you
know--and through her embraced and kissed me."
MILWAUKEE ELOQUENCE.--157.
Western eloquence continues to improve. A Wisconsin reporter sends the
following sketch. A lawyer in Milwaukee was defending a handsome young
woman accused of stealing from a large unoccupied dwelling in the
night-time, and thus he spake in conclusion:--"Gentlemen of the jury,
I am done. When I gaze with enraptured eyes on the matchless beauty
of this peerless virgin, on whose resplendent charms suspicion never
dared to breathe; when I behold her radiant in this glorious bloom
of lustrous loveliness, which angelic sweetness might envy but could
not eclipse--before which the star on the brow of Night grows pale,
and the diamonds of Brazil are dim--and then reflect upon the utter
madness and folly of supposing that so much beauty would expose itself
to the terrors of an empty building in the cold, damp, dead of night,
when innocence like hers is hiding itself amidst the snowy pillows of
repose; gentlemen of the jury, my feelings are too overpowering for
expression, and I throw her into your arms for protection against this
foul charge, which the outrageous malice of a disappointed scoundrel
has invented, to blast the fair name of this lovely maiden, whose
smile shall be the reward of the verdict which I know you will give."
HEAVY TOP-DRESSING.--158.
"It's all very pretty talk," said a recently married old bachelor, who
had just finished reading an essay on the "Culture of Women," just as
a heavy milliner's bill was presented to him--"it's all very pretty,
this cultivation of women; but such a charge as this for bonnets is
rather a heavy top-dressing--in my judgment."
HAIRS, NOT BRISTLES.--159.
"I am willing to split hairs with my opponent all day if he insists
on it," said a very distinguished American lawyer the other day, in a
speech at the bar. "Split _that_ then," said the opponent, pulling a
coarse specimen from his own head, and extending it. "May it please
the court, I didn't say _bristles_!"
ANTEDILUVIAN DIET.--160.
A friend thinks the antediluvian life must have been a great contrast
to ours, and pictures it thus:--"Only fancy having two dried whales
hanging in your larder, and a cold mammoth 'cut and come again' on the
sideboard. 'Shall I help you to a bit of Icthoyaturns?' 'Thank you, I
should prefer a slice of your Mastadon.' Stewed Plesiosauri! Leviathan
_à la crapoderie_! Imagine a bill, not at twelve months, but at two
hundred years; and a fellow who carried off your plate-box getting
sent to the treadmill for fourscore summers! Consider an elderly
gentleman, with a liver complaint of only one hundred years' standing,
wearing out four sets of false teeth, and finally carried off, after
a brief illness of three hundred and ten years, in a galloping
consumption!"
JIMMY O'NEIL AND PRESIDENT JACKSON.--161.
When Jackson was President, Jimmy O'Neil, the porter, was a
marked character. He had his foibles, which were offensive to the
fastidiousness of Colonel Donelson, and caused his dismissal on an
average of about once a week. But on appeal to the higher court,
the verdict was invariably reversed by the good nature of the old
general. Once, however, Jimmy was guilty of some flagrant offence,
and was summoned before the highest tribunal at once. The general,
after stating the details of the misdeed, observed, "Jimmy, I have
borne with you for years, in spite of all complaints; but in this act
you have gone beyond my powers of endurance." "And do you believe
the story?" asked Jimmy. "Certainly," answered the general: "I have
just heard it from two senators." "Faith," retorted Jimmy, "if I
believe all that twenty senators say about you it's little I'd think
you are fit to be President." "Pshaw! Jimmy," concluded the general;
"clear out and go on duty, but be more careful hereafter." Jimmy
remained with his kind-hearted patron not only to the close of his
presidential term, but, accompanying him to the Hermitage, was with
him to the day of his death.
THE ORIGIN OF "SOME PUNKIN."--162.
An old lady was engaged in making pumpkin pies; she had got the
pumpkin all prepared, when by an untoward accident the table was
overturned, and the pumpkin went on to the floor. The table in
overturning overset the slop-pail, and the slops went on the floor
too. The old lady being of a saving disposition, concluded to save
the pumpkin and clean up also; so she takes up one handful, looks
at it--"That's punkin"--puts it into the pumpkin-dish; takes up
another--"That's slops"--puts it into the slop-pail. So she goes on
picking up alternately pumpkin and slops, till finally she gets a
handful mixed. She looks at it, and says, "That is _some punkin_, but
mostly slops!" and hence the phrase.
ARTEMUS WARD ON THE NEGRO.--163.
Feller Sittersuns,--The African may be our brother. Severil hily
rispectable gentlemen and some talented females tell us so, and for
argyment sake i might be injooced to grant it, tho' I don't beleeve
it myself. But the African isn't our sister, and wife, and unkle. He
isn't severil of our brothers and fust wife's relashuns. He isn't
our grandfather and grate grandfather, and our aunt in the country.
Scarcely: And yet numeris persons would have us think. It's troo he
runs Congress and severil others grossery's, but he ain't everybody.
But we've got the African, or ruther he's got us, and how are we
going to do about it? He's a orful noosance. P'raps he isn't to blame
for it. P'raps he was created for some wise purpis, like the measles
and New England rum, but it's mity hard to see it. At any rate here,
and as I stated to Mr. What-is-it, it's a pity he coodent go off
somewheres quietly by hisself, where he cood wear red weskits and
speckled necties, and gratefy his ambition in varis interestin wayse,
without havin a eternal fuss up about him. P'raps I'm bearing down too
hard on Cuffy.
A QUAKER'S EXCUSE FOR FIRING.--164.
A good story is told of a Quaker volunteer, who was in a Virginia
skirmish. Coming in pretty close quarters with a Secessionist, he
remarked: "Friend, 'tis very unfortunate, but thee standest just where
I am going to shoot;" and, blazing away, down came his man.
BROTHER OF FOUR MILLION CHILDREN.--165.
A Kansas woman, named Million, was lately married, and by her marriage
the bride becomes sister to her father and mother and aunt to her
brothers and sisters. The groom becomes son of a younger brother, his
sister-in-law becomes his mother, and he becomes the brother of four
"Million" children. What relation were said parties previous to their
marriage?
SUSPECTING THE SHELL.--166.
When the mine dug under Fort Hill, at Vicksburg, by General Logan,
exploded, June 26th, a large number of rebels were killed and wounded.
Among others who were blown high above the works was an American
citizen of African descent, who fell on his head on the outside of the
rebel fort, and to the astonishment of our soldiers was not killed.
As some of the men ran towards the darkey, of course carrying their
arms, he rose to his feet, and shouted, "For de Lord's sake, sogers,
don't shoot dis nigger. I wasn't doin' no fighting; I was only totin'
up grub." When asked how high he had been, he replied, "Two or dree
mile, I reckon;" and on being asked how he came within our lines said,
"Dunno, massa; shell, I spec."
A SMART RAILWAY EMPLOYÉ.--167.
A railroad _employé_, whose home is in Avon, came on Saturday night
to ask for a pass down to visit his family. "You are in employ of
the railroad?" asked the gentleman applied to. "Yes." "You receive
your pay regularly?" "Yes." "Well, now suppose you were working for a
farmer instead of a railroad, would you expect your employer to hitch
up his team every Saturday night, and carry you home?" This seemed a
poser, but it wasn't. "No," said the man, promptly, "I wouldn't expect
that; but if the farmer had his team hitched up, and was going my way,
I should call him a darned mean cuss if he would not let me ride."
Mr. _Employé_ came out three minutes afterwards with a pass good for
twelve months.
THE LATE FLOYD.--168.
A gifted poet has perpetrated the following epitaph on the late
Floyd:--
"Floyd has died and few have sobb'd,
Since, had he lived, all had been robb'd;
He's paid Dame Nature's debt, 'tis said--
The only one he ever paid.
Some doubt that he resign'd his breath;
But vow that he has cheated even death.
If he is buried, oh! then, ye dead beware;
Look to your swaddlings, of your shrouds take care.
Lest Floyd should to your coffins make his way,
And steal the linen from your mould'ring clay."
A VEGETABLE HEAD.--169.
The late Judge Peters has left behind him a host of well-remembered
puns worth relating. When on the District Court Bench, he observed to
Judge Washington that one of the witnesses had a _vegetable_ head.
"How so?" was the inquiry. "He has _carroty_ hair, _reddish_ cheeks, a
_turn-up_ nose, and a _sage_ look."
OBJECTING TO MISSIONS.--170.
A wag was lately asked to contribute to foreign missions. "Not on any
account," said he. "Why not?" asked the collector, "the object is
laudable." "No, it isn't," was the reply; "not half so many people go
to the devil now as ought to."
HIS FIRST STEP.--171.
We extract the following from a popular story. It narrates the early
experience of a bashful boy:--"Well, my sister Lib gave a party one
night, and I stayed away from home because I was too bashful to face
the music. I hung around the house, whistling 'Old Dan Tucker,'
dancing to keep my feet warm, watching heads bobbing up and down
behind the window-curtains, and wishing the thundering party would
break up so I could get to my room. I smoked up a bunch of cigars, and
as it was getting late and mighty uncomfortable, I concluded to climb
up the door-post. No sooner said than done, and I found myself snug
in bed. 'Now,' says I, 'let her rip! Dance till your wind is out!'
And, cuddled under the quilts, Morpheus grabbed me. I was dreaming
of soft-shelled crabs and stewed tripe, and having a good time, when
somebody knocked at my room-door and woke me up. 'Rap,' again. I laid
low. 'Rap, rap, rap!' Then I heard a whispering, and I knew there was
a whole raft of girls outside. 'Rap, rap!' Then Lib sings out, 'Jack,
are you in there?' 'Yes,' says I; and then came a roar of laughter.
'Let us in,' says she. 'I won't,' says I. Then came another laugh. By
thunder, I began to get riled! 'Get out, you petticoated scarecrows!'
I cried; 'can't you get a beau without hauling a fellow out of bed? I
won't go home with you--I won't--so you may clear out!' And sending a
boot at the door, I felt better. But presently--O mortal buttons!--I
heard a still small voice, very like sister Lib's, and it said, 'Jack,
you'll have to get up, for all the girls' things are in there!' Oh
dear, what a pickle! Think of me in bed, all covered with shawls,
muffs, bonnets, and cloaks, and twenty girls outside waiting to get
in. As it was, I rolled out among the ribbons in a hurry. Smash went
the millinery in every direction. I had to dress in the dark, and the
way I fumbled about was death on straw hats. The critical moment at
last came. I opened the door, and found myself right among the women!
'Oh, my Leghorn!' cries one. 'My dear winter velvet!' cries another.
And they pinched in--they piled me this way and that--boxed my ears;
and one little bright-eyed piece--Sal ----, her name was--put her
arms right round my neck and kissed me right on my lips! Human nature
couldn't stand that, and I gave her as good as she sent. It was the
first time I had ever got a taste, and it was powerful good. I believe
I could have kissed that gal from Julius Cæsar to the Fourth of July.
'Jack,' said she, 'we are sorry to disturb you, but won't you see me
home?' 'Yes,' says I, 'I will.' I did do it, and had another smack at
the gate, too. After that we took a kinder turtle-doving after each
other, both of us sighing like a barrel of new cider when we were away
from each other."
HIS WIFE'S COUSIN.--172.
A country gentleman lately arrived at Boston, and immediately repaired
to the house of a relative, a lady who had married a merchant. The
parties were glad to see him, and invited him to make their house his
home, as he declared his intention of remaining in the city only a
day or two. The husband of the lady, anxious to show his attention
to a relative and friend of his wife, took the gentleman's horse
to a livery stable in Hanover Street. Finally his visit became a
visitation, and the merchant found, after the lapse of eleven days,
besides lodging and boarding the gentleman, a pretty considerable
bill had run up at the livery stable. Accordingly he went to the man
who kept the livery stable, and told him when the gentleman took his
horse he would pay the bill. "Very well," said the stable-keeper, "I
understand you." Accordingly, in a short time the country gentleman
went to the stable and ordered his horse to be got ready. The bill, of
course, was presented to him. "Oh," said the gentleman, "Mr. ----, my
relative, will pay this." "Very good," said the stable-keeper, "please
get an order from Mr. ----; it will be the same as money." The horse
was put up again, and down went the country gentleman to Long Wharf,
which the merchant kept. "Well," said he, "I am going now." "Are you?"
said the gentleman. "Well, good-bye, sir." "Well, about my horse; the
man said the bill must be paid for his keeping." "Well, I suppose that
is all right, sir." "Yes--well, but you know I'm your wife's cousin."
"Yes," said the merchant, "I know you are, but your horse is not."
YANKEE TOASTS.--173.
The following toasts were given at a recent dinner of New Jersey
Democrats:--"Blessed are the peacemakers." "The last man and the last
dollar--May the one be an Abolitionist, and the other a shin-plaster,
and may they both perish in the last ditch together." "State
rights--May they not be forgotten in delirious and bloody triumph
of State wrongs." "Things we remember--Habeas corpus and trial by
jury." "To the first Governor who shall have the virtue and courage
to keep his oath of office, and defend the constitution, laws, and
sovereignty of his State, and the rights of its citizens." "The light
of other days, when Liberty wore a white face, and America was not a
negro." "The Democratic party, as it was, before cowardice, treachery,
shoddy, and greenbacks had demoralized its councils." "The abolition
war for disunion--Let those who think it is right go to it, and those
who think it is wrong stay at home." "May those who say we shall
never have the Union as it was follow the example of their brother
traitor, Judas Iscariot, who died and went to his own place." "The
war Democrat--A white man's face on the body of a negro." "The only
possible remedy for secession and the only hope of the Union--Peace,
mutual concession, and compromise."
A BIG PUFF.--174.
A model certificate is the following:--"Dear doctor,--I will be one
hundred and seventy-five years old next October. For over eighty-four
years I have been an invalid, unable to step except when moved by a
lever. But a year ago I heard of the Granicular Syrup. I bought a
bottle, smelt the cork, and found myself a man. I can now run twelve
miles and a half an hour, and throw nineteen summersaults without
stopping."
VERY ODD THAT.--175.
A conversation took place during dinner at head-quarters at ----. A
number of officers being present, the conversation turned upon the
condition and efficiency of their different regiments. Colonel ----, of
the New York ----, stated that nine different nations were represented
in his regiment; and, after going over Irish, German, French, English,
&c., several times, could enumerate but eight. He said he was certain
there were nine, but what the ninth was he could not remember.
Lieutenant ----, who was present, suggested "Americans." "By Jove!"
says the colonel, "that's it--Americans."
HOW ALE STRENGTHENED HIM.--176.
A student of an American State College had a barrel of ale deposited
in his room--contrary, of course, to the rule and usage. He received a
summons to appear before the president, who said: "Sir, I am informed
that you have a barrel of ale in your room." "Yes, sir." "Well,
what explanation can you make?" "Why, the fact is, sir, my physician
advises me to try a little each day as a tonic; and, not wishing to
stop at the various places where the beverage is retailed, I concluded
to have a barrel taken to my room." "Indeed! and have you derived any
benefit from the use of it?" "Ah! yes, sir. When the barrel was first
taken to my room I could scarcely lift it; now I can carry it with the
greatest ease."
LUMINOUS EVIDENCE.--177.
"Johnson, you say Snow was de man dat robbed you?" "Yes." "Was it
moonlight when it took place?" "No, siree." "Was it starlight?" "I,
golly! no; it was so dark you couldn't see your hand afore your face."
"Well, was there any light shining from any house near by?" "Why,
no; there wasn't a house within a mile of us." "Well, then, if there
was no moon, no starlight, no light from any house, and so dark you
couldn't even see your hand before your face, how are you so positive
that Mr. Snow was the man, and how did you see him?" "Why, Cuff, you
see, when the nigger struck me, de fire flew out ob my eyes so bright,
that you might see to pick up a pin."
SCIPIO'S WIFE.--178.
Who was Scipio's wife? Missis-sippi-o, of course.
THE DYING SOLDIER AND HIS MOTHER.--179.
In one of the fierce engagements with the rebels near Mechanicsville,
in May last, a young lieutenant of a Rhode Island battery had his
right foot so shattered by a fragment of a shell that on reaching
Washington he was obliged to undergo amputation of the leg. He
telegraphed home, hundreds of miles away, that all was going well, and
with a soldier's fortitude composed himself to bear his sufferings
alone. Unknown to him, however, his mother, one of those dear reserves
of the army, hastened up to join the main force. She reached the city
at midnight, and the nurses would have kept her from him until the
morning. One sat by his side fanning him as he slept, her hand on the
feeble fluctuating pulsations which foreboded sad results. But what
woman's heart could resist the pleadings of a mother then? In the
darkness she was finally allowed to glide in and take the place at his
side. She touched his pulse as the nurse had done, not a word had been
spoken, but the sleeping boy opened his eyes and said, "That feels
like my mother's hand; who is this beside me? It is my mother; turn up
the gas and let me see mother!" The two dear faces met in one long,
joyful, sobbing embrace, and the fondness pent up in each heart sobbed
and panted and wept forth its expression.
CANINE RESEMBLANCE.--180.
A Boston paper says their townsman, Abel Sniggs, has a dog so closely
resembling one belonging to Tom Clegg, that it often happens that
Clegg's dog takes himself into Sniggs's house, and does not discover
his mistake until informed by the _cat_.
MARRIAGE AND SINGLE BLESSEDNESS.--181.
We subjoin a curious specimen of verse, which is both ingenious
and witty, and admits of being read in two ways. To suit the taste
and inclinations of the married, or those who propose marriage, we
transcribe it as follows; but to convey a directly opposite sentiment,
for the benefit of the singly blessed, it will be necessary to
alternate the lines, reading the first and third, then the second and
fourth:--
"That man must lead a happy life
Who is directed by a wife;
Who's freed from matrimonial claims
Is sure to suffer for his pains.
"Adam could find no solid peace
Till he beheld a woman's face;
When Eve was given him for a mate,
Adam was in a happy state.
"In all the female race appear
Truth, darling of a heart sincere,
Hypocrisy, deceit, and pride,
In woman never did reside.
"What tongue is able to unfold
The worth in woman we behold?
The failings that in woman dwell
Are almost imperceptible.
"Confusion take the men, I say,
Who no regard to women pay.
Who make the women their delight
Keep always reason in their sight."
A "FOREST-BORN" ORATOR.--182.
Rev. G. D. ----, of Fayetteville, Ark., one of the genuine
"forest-born" orators, preaching not long since on "the glory of the
saints," delivered the following burst of native eloquence, which is
too good to be lost:--"Who, my bretherin, can describe the glory of
the saints? Why, nothing on earth can liken it. Ef you drill a hole in
the sun and put it on your head for a crown, and split the moon, and
put it on your shoulders for epaulettes--if you tear down the starry
curtain of the skies and wrap it round your body for a robe, and ride
to Heaven on the lightning wings of the tempest--this will be as
nothing compared to the glory of the saints."
HEN PERSUADERS.--183.
The _Springfield Republican_ speaks of a new invention for a hen's
nest, whereby the eggs drop through a trap-door, and so deceives the
hen that she keeps on laying until she has laid herself all away.
POPPING THE QUESTION.--184.
One evening as I was a-sittin' by my Hetty, and had worked myself
up to the stickin' pint, sez I, "Hetty, if a fellar was to ask you
to marry him, what wud you say?" Then she laughed, and sez she,
"That would depend on who asked me." Then sez I, "Suppose it was Ned
Willis?" Sez she, "I'd tell Ned Willis, but not you." That kinder
staggered me; but I was too cute to lose the opportunity, and so sez
I again, "Suppose it was me?" And then you orter see her pout up her
lip, and says she, "I don't take no supposes." Wall, now, you see
there was nothin' for me to do but touch the gun off. So bang it went.
Sez I, "Wall, Hetty, it's me; won't you say yes?" And then there was
such a hulloballoo in my head, I don't know exactly what tuk place,
but I thought I heerd a 'yes' whisperin' somewhere out of the skirmish.
NEGRO SERMON.--185.
"There are," said a sable orator, addressing his brethren, "two
roads tro dis world--the one am broad and narrow road, that leads
to perdition; and the oder a narrow and a broad road, that leads to
destruction." "What i' dat?" said one hearer. "Say it again." "I say,
my brethren, there are two roads tro dis world--the one am a broad
and narrow road, that leads to perdition; the oder a narrow and broad
road, that leads to destruction." "If dat am the case," said his sable
questioner, "dis elluded individual takes to de woods."
GRANDPA'S SPECTACLES.--186.
"There now," cried a little girl, while rummaging a drawer in a
bureau; "there now, grandpa has gone to Heaven without his spectacles.
What will he do?" And shortly afterward, when another aged relative
was supposed to be sick unto death in the house, she came running to
his bedside, with the glasses in her hand, and an errand on her lips:
"You goin' to die?" "They tell me so." "Goin' to Heaven?" "I hope so."
"Well, here are grandpa's spectacles--won't you take them to him?"
TREMENDOUS GALE.--187.
We like to hear people tell good stories while they are about it.
Read the following from a Western paper:--"In the late gale, birds
were seen hopping about with all their feathers blown off." We have
heard of gales at sea where it required four men to hold the captain's
whiskers on!
A WITTY SENTINEL.--188.
A lieutenant of the 10th United States Infantry recently met with a
sad rebuff at Fort Kearney. The lieutenant was promenading in full
uniform one day, and approached a volunteer on sentry, who challenged
him with "Halt! who comes there?" The lieutenant, with contempt in
every lineament of his face, expressed his feeling with an indignant
"Ass!" The sentry's reply, apt and quick, came: "Advance, Ass, and
give the countersign."
A CAUTIOUS WITNESS.--189.
A witness in a certain court, not a thousand miles from Rappahannock,
on being interrogated as to whether the defendant in a certain case
was drunk, replied: "Well, I can't say that I have seen him drunk
exactly, but I once saw him sitting in the middle of the floor, making
grabs in the air, and saying that he'd be dogoned if he don't catch
the bed the next time it ran around him!" This story reminds us of a
cautious witness in an assault case in Baltimore, who testified that
he did not see the prisoner strike the man, but he saw him take away
his hand very quick, and the man fell!
A POETICAL EDITOR.--190.
The editor of an American paper has taken to writing poetry, as the
following will show:--"Brethren,--Is there a man with soul so dead,
who never to himself hath said: I will my country paper take, both for
mine own and family's sake? If such there be, let him repent, and have
the paper to him sent; and, if he'd pass a happy winter, he in advance
should pay the printer."
NO PATIENTS LIVING.--191.
A jolly fellow had an office next door to a doctor's shop. One day a
gentleman of the old fogey school blundered into the wrong shop. "Is
the doctor in?" "Don't live here," said the lawyer, who was in full
scribble over some old documents. "Oh! I thought this was his office?"
"Next door." "Pray, sir, can you tell me if he has many patients?"
"Not living." The old gentleman told the story in the vicinity, and
the doctor threatened the lawyer with a libel suit.
CRIMINAL DIDN'T SEE IT.--192.
A criminal being asked, in the usual form, why judgment of death
should not be passed against him, answered: "Why, I think there has
been quite enough said about it already. If you please, we'll drop the
subject."
A RETURNED SOLDIER'S LETTER TO HIS NURSE.--193.
"Dear Miss T----, I set down to tell you that I've arove hum, an wish
I was sum whar else. I've got 3 bully boys an they are helpin me about
getting the garden sass into the groun but they haint got no mother an
I've a house and a kow and I thort youd be kinder handy to take care
of um if youd stoop so much. Ive thort of you ever sense I com from
the hospittle and how kinder jimmy you used to walk up an down them
wards. You had the best gate I ever see an my 1st wife stepped off jes
so an she paid her way I tell you. I like to work and the boys likes
to work an I kno you do an so Ide like to jine if youv no objections
an now Ive made so bold to rite sich but I was kinder pushed on by my
feelins an so I hope youl excuse it an rite soon. I shant be mad If
you say no but its no harm to ask an as I sa I cant help ritin an the
boys names are Zeberlon Shadrac an peter they want to see you as dos
your respecful friend which oes his present health to you.--JOSEPH
C----."
SUPERFLUOUS TESTIMONIAL.--194.
Prentice, of the _Louisville Journal_, notices the presentation of a
silver cup to a brother editor thus: "He needs no cup. He can drink
from any vessel that contains liquor, whether the neck of a bottle,
the mouth of a pickle-jar, the spill of a keg, or the bung of a
barrel."
HARD UP.--195.
An officer, arrived at Chattanooga, inquired of a negro where he
could find accommodations for his horse. "Don't know, sah, 'bout de
'commodations. De fence rails is all gone, and dar ain't nothin' for
'em to eat any more, only a few barn-doors, an' we want dem for the
general's horses."
PRESIDENTIAL PUNS.--196.
Mr. Lincoln, in his happier moments, is not always reminded of a
"little story," but often indulges in a veritable joke. One of the
latest reported is his remark when he found himself attacked by the
varioloid. He had been recently very much worried by people asking
favours. "Well," said he, when the contagious disease was coming upon
him, "I've got something now that I can give to everybody." About
the time when there was considerable grumbling as to the delay in
forwarding to the troops the money due to them, a western paymaster,
in full major's attire, was one day introduced at a public reception.
"Being here, Mr. Lincoln," said he, "I thought I'd call and pay my
respects." "From the complaints of the soldiers," responded the
President, "I guess that's about all any of you do pay." The President
is rather vain of his height, but one day a young man called on him
who was certainly three inches taller than the former; he was like the
mathematical definition of the straight line--length without breadth.
"Really," said Mr. Lincoln, "I must look up to you; if you ever get in
a deep place you ought to be able to wade out." That reminds us of the
story told of Mr. Lincoln somewhere, when a crowd called him out. He
came out on the balcony with his wife (somewhat below medium height),
and made the following "brief remarks:"--"Here I am, and here is Mrs.
Lincoln. That's the long and short of it."
OPENNESS OF COUNTENANCE.--197.
"Well, how do you like the looks of the varmint?" said a south-wester
to a down-easter, who was gazing with round-eyed wonder, and evidently
for the first time, at a huge alligator, with wide open jaws, on
the muddy banks of the Mississippi. "Wal," replied the Yankee, "he
ain't what yeow call a handsome critter, but he's got a great deal of
openness when he smiles."
HOLDING THE STAKES.--198.
An individual at the races was staggering about the track, with more
liquor than he could carry. "Hallo, what's the matter now?" said a
chap whom the inebriated man had run against. "Why--hic--why, the fact
is--hic--a lot of my friends have been betting liquor on the race
to-day, and they have got me to hold the stakes."
THE JUDGE AND HIS COACHMAN.--199.
One day, when Mr. Bates was remonstrating with Mr. Lincoln against
the appointment of some indifferent lawyer to a place of judicial
importance, the President interposed with, "Come, now, Bates, he's not
half so bad as you think. Besides that, I must tell you, he did me a
good turn long ago. When I took to the law, I was going to court one
morning, with some ten or twelve miles of bad road before me, and I
had no horse. The judge overtook me in his waggon. 'Hello, Lincoln,
are you not going to the court-house? Come in, and I'll give you a
seat.' Well, I got in, and the judge went on reading his papers.
Presently, the waggon struck a stump on one side of the road; then
it hopped off to the other. I looked out, and I saw the driver was
jerking from side to side in his seat; so, says I, 'Judge, I think
your coachman has been taking a little drop too much this morning.'
'Well, I declare, Lincoln,' said he, 'I should not much wonder if
you are right, for he has nearly upset me half a dozen times since
starting.' So, putting his head out of the window, he shouted, 'Why,
you infernal scoundrel, you are drunk!' Upon which, pulling up his
horses, and turning round with great gravity, the coachman said: 'By
gorra! that's the first rightful decision you have given for the last
twelvemonth.'"
A STAGE-STRUCK HOOSIER.--200.
An awkward-looking, stage-struck Hoosier went to see one of the
New Orleans theatrical managers, some time since, and solicited an
engagement. "What _rôle_ would you prefer, my friend?" asked the
manager. "Wal, squire," said the would-be Western Roscius, "I ain't
partial to rolls, nohow--corn-dodgers is my favourite."
TAKING HIS PATIENT FOR A RIDE.--201.
Dr. A----, thinking a little exercise and fresh air preferable to
physic, had taken one of his patients to ride, and was seen by Dr.
L----, who addressed Dr. A---- as follows: "Well, doctor, I saw you
taking one of your patients to ride." "Exactly," said Dr. A----.
"Well," said Dr. L----, "a thing I never do is to take my patients
out to ride." "I know it," said Dr. A----; "the undertaker does it for
you."
A SOLDIER'S FAREWELL.--202.
The following, written in pencil, was found on the body of a Union
soldier. It commenced: "I, John Wilheimer, Second New York Cavalry.
I am shot and dying. Whoever finds me, send this to Sarah Wilheimer,
Brooklyn Post-office, New York. She is my sister, and only relative
in the country. Oh! my poor sister, do not break your heart; but I
am shot through the breast and dying, and they have gone and left me
here." * * * What followed in this paragraph is obliterated by blood.
The next sentence reads: "Write to Conrad Vitmare, of our company;
he owes me fifty dollars, which he will pay you. Oh! my dear sister,
farewell!"
YANKEE BRASS.--203.
The editor of the _Brooklyn Eagle_, when arrested for hoaxing the
New York papers by a pretended proclamation of President Lincoln,
addressed the following letter to the _Eagle_ from the walls of
Lafayette:--"Dear _Eagle_,--In the language of the 'magnificent'
Vestiali, 'I am here.' I think I shall stay here, at least till I get
out. Perhaps you are surprised at my sudden departure; so was I. But
I received a pressing invitation from General Dix to come down here,
which I did not feel at liberty to decline, so I didn't. Bob Murray
brought the invitation. Bob Murray is United States marshal, and he
marshalled me the way I should go; so I thought it best to go it.
Bob is a nice man; he has a very taking way with him; but I wouldn't
recommend you to cultivate his acquaintance."
NOT TO BE WONDERED AT.--204.
Not long since, an elderly woman entered a railroad car at one of
the Ohio stations, and disturbed the passengers a good deal with
complaints about a "most dredful rheumatiz" that she was troubled
with. A gentleman present, who had himself been a severe sufferer with
the same complaint, said to her: "Did you ever try electricity, madam?
I tried it, and in the course of a short time it completely cured
me." "Electricity," exclaimed the old lady; "y-e-s, I've tried it to
my satisfaction. _I was struck with lightning_ about a year ago, but
it didn't do me a mossel o' good!"
PETE'S EXPECTATIONS.--205.
Pete, a comical son of the Emerald Isle, who carried wood and water,
built fires, &c., for the "boys" at Hamilton College, is as good a
specimen of the genuine Hibernian as ever toddled into a brogan.
One of the students having occasion to reprove him one morning for
delinquency, asked him where he expected to go when he died. "Expect
to go to the hot place," said Pete, without wincing. "And what do
you expect will be your portion there?" asked the Soph, solemnly.
"Oh!" growled the old fellow, as he brushed his ear lazily with his
coat-tail, "bring wood and water for the boys."
LOOKING FOR A SITUATION UNDER GOVERNMENT.--206.
Petroleum V. Naseby writes that he had an interview with the President
lately, which terminated thus:--"'Is there any little thing I kin
do for you?' sez he. 'Nothin' particklar. I woold accept a small
post-orfis, if sitooatid within ezy range uv a distilry. My politikle
dase is well nigh over. Let me but see the old party wunst moar in the
ascendency; let these old ize wunst moar behold the constitooshun ez
it iz, the Uneyun ez it wuz, and the nigger ware he ought 2 be, and I
will rap the mantel of private life around me, and go in 2 dilirium
tremens happy. I hev no ambishen. I am in the sear and yaller leef.
These whitin' locks, them sunkin' cheeks, warn me that age and whiskey
hev dun their puffek work, and that I shall soon go hents. Linkin,
scorn not my words. I hev sed. Adoo.'"
IN BLACK AND WHITE.--207.
A white man not long since sued a black man in one of the courts of
a Free State, and while the trial was before the judge the litigants
came to an amicable settlement, and so the counsel stated to the
court. "A verbal settlement will not answer," replied the judge; "it
must be in writing." "Here is the agreement in black and white,"
responded the counsel, pointing to the parties; "pray what does your
honour want more than this?"
A GUARDED ANSWER.--208.
In one of our courts lately a man who was called upon to appear as
a witness could not be found. On the judge asking where he was, an
elderly gentleman rose up, and with much emphasis said, "Your honour,
he's gone." "Gone! gone!" said the judge, "where is he gone?" "That I
cannot inform you," replied the communicative gentleman, "but he is
dead." This is considered the best guarded answer on record.
QUEER QUERIES.--209.
Is Death's door opened with a skeleton key? Would you say a lady
dressed loud who was covered all over with bugles? Is there any
truth in the report that the Arabs who live in the desert have sandy
hair? In selling a Newfoundland dog do you know whether it is valued
according to what it will fetch or what it will bring?
DO YOU SMOKE?--210.
A sharper, seeing a country gentlemen sitting alone at an inn, and
thinking something might be made out of him, entered, and called for a
paper of tobacco. "Dou you smoke, sir?" asked the sharper. "Yes," said
the gentleman, very gravely; "any one that has a design upon me."
A RAT STORY.--211.
The _Greenfield Gazette_ is responsible for the following rat
story:--"A family in South Deer field, Massachusetts, left some
Indian meal on the bottom of an iron pan in which they had baked a
johnny-cake the night previous, in the buttery, one of the recent cold
nights, which the rats attempted to eat; but the frost on the iron
froze their tongues to the pan so that they could not release them,
and they were caught the next morning."
SUBSTITUTING ONE TREAT FOR ANOTHER.--212.
"Papa," said Mr. Brown's youngest son, the other day, "can't I go to
the circus?" "No, my pet," affectionately replied Mr. B.; "if you
are a good boy, I will take you to see your grandmother's grave this
afternoon."
HOTEL RULES AT THE "DIGGINS."--213.
The proprietor of a Reese River Hotel (according to Hoyle,
who has just returned) has posted up the following "Rules and
Regulations":--Board must be paid in advance; with beans, 15 dols.;
without beans, 12 dols. Salt free. Boarders not permitted to speak
to the cook. No extras allowed. Potatoes for dinner. "Pocketing" at
meals strictly forbidden. Gentlemen are expected to wash out of doors,
and find their own water. No charges for ice. Towel bags at the end
of the house. Extra charges for seats round the stove. Lodgers must
furnish their own straw. Beds on bar-room floor reserved for regular
customers. Persons sleeping in the bar are requested not to take off
their boots. Lodgers inside arise at five a.m.; in the barn at six
o'clock. Each man sweeps up his own bed. No quartz taken at the bar.
No fighting allowed at the table. Any one violating the above rules
will be shot.
ODD NAMES.--214.
What odd names some mortals are blessed with! We heard of a family
in Michigan whose sons were named One Stickney, Two Stickney, Three
Stickney; and whose daughters were named First Stickney, Second
Stickney, and so on. Three elder children of a family in Vermont were
named Joseph, And, Another; and it is supposed that, should they have
any more, they might have named them Also, Moreover, Nevertheless,
and Notwithstanding. Another family actually named their child Finis,
supposing that it was their last; but they afterwards happened to
have a daughter and two sons, whom they called Addenda, Appendix, and
Supplement. A man in Pennsylvania called his second son James Also,
and the third William Likewise.
LEGAL ADVICE UNDER SINGULAR CIRCUMSTANCES.--215.
A client, while bathing in the sea, saw his lawyer rise up, after
a long dive, at his side. "Ho, there Mr. ----, have you taken out a
warrant against Burt?" "He is in quod," replied the agent, and dived
again, showing his heels as a parting view to his client; nor did the
latter hear more of the interview with the shark until he got his
account, containing the entry, "To consultation at sea, anent the
incarceration of Burt, six shillings and eightpence."
SHARP CHILD.--216.
Recently the wife of one of the City fathers of New Bedford presented
her husband with three children at a birth. The delighted father took
his little daughter, four years of age, to see her new relations. She
looked at the diminutive little beings a few moments, when, turning to
her father, she inquired: "Pa, which one are you going to keep?"
TAKING THE STARCH OUT.--217.
"A capital example," writes a reader, "of what is often termed 'taking
the starch out,' happened recently in a country bank in New England. A
pompous, well-dressed individual entered the bank, and, addressing the
teller, who is something of a wag, inquired: 'Is the cashier in?' 'No,
sir,' was the reply. 'Well, I am dealing in pens--supplying the New
England banks pretty largely--and I suppose it will be proper for me
to deal with the cashier.' 'I suppose it will,' said the teller. 'Very
well; I will wait.' The pen-pedlar took a chair, and sat composedly
for a full hour, waiting for the cashier. By that time, he began to
grow uneasy, but sat twisting in his chair for about twenty minutes,
and, seeing no prospect of a change in his circumstances, asked the
teller how soon the cashier would be in. 'Well, I don't know exactly,'
said the waggish teller, 'but I expect him in about eight weeks. He
has just gone to Lake Superior, and told me he thought he should come
back in that time.' Pedlar thought he would not wait. 'Oh, stay if you
wish,' said the teller, very blandly; 'we have no objection to your
sitting here in the day time, and you can probably find some place
in town where they will be glad to keep you of nights.' The pompous
pedlar disappeared without another word."
THE EFFECT OF ELOQUENCE.--218.
One of the late Governors of South Carolina was a splendid lawyer, and
could talk a jury out of their seven senses. He was especially noted
for success in criminal cases, almost always clearing his client. He
was once counsel for a man accused of horse-stealing. He made a long,
eloquent, and touching speech. The jury retired, but returned in a
few moments, and proclaimed the man not guilty. An old acquaintance
stepped up to the prisoner, and said: "Jem, the danger is passed;
and now, honour bright, didn't you steal that horse?" To which Jem
replied: "Well, Tom, I've all along thought I took the horse; but
since I've heard the Governor's speech, I don't believe I did."
HOTEL ACCOMMODATION IN THE SOUTH.--219.
There was a traveller once, down South--say in the State of
Georgia--who, halting for the night at an inn, where he was told
that, as there were many guests, he must put up with a shakedown,
was conducted after supper to an outhouse full of cows and pigs.
"Where am I to sleep?" cried the despairing wayfarer. "Spect 'yiccan
please yisself, mas'r," answered with a grin the negro who acted as
chamberlain; "but," he continued, pointing to a corner of the lair,
where there were only two cows and no pigs, "dat's de mose fashionable
part."
A PLUMP QUESTION.--220.
The late gallant General Sumner, about twenty years ago, was captain
of a company of cavalry, and commanded Fort Atkinson, in Iowa. One of
his men, Billy G----, had received an excellent education, was of a
good family, but an unfortunate habit of mixing too much water with
his whisky had so reduced him in circumstances that out of desperation
he enlisted. Captain Sumner soon discovered his qualifications, and
as he was a good accountant and excellent penman, he made him his
confidential clerk. At times the old habit would overcome Billy's good
resolutions, and a spree would be the result. Captain Sumner, though a
rigid disciplinarian, disliked to punish him severely, and privately
gave him much good advice (after a good sobering in the guard-house),
receiving in return many thanks and promises of amendment; but his
sprees became more and more frequent. One day, after Billy had been on
a bender, the captain determined on giving him a severe reprimand, and
ordered Billy into his presence before he was fully sober. Billy came
with his eyes all blood-shot and head hanging down, when the captain
accosted him with: "So, sir, you have been drunk again, and I have
to say that this conduct must cease. You are a man of good family,
good education, ordinarily a good soldier, neat, cleanly, and genteel
in appearance, of good address, and a valuable man; yet you will get
drunk. Now I shall tell you, once for all that----" Here Billy's eyes
sparkled, and he interrupted his superior with: "Beg pardon, captain,
did you say that--hic--I was a man of good birth and education?" "Yes,
I did." "And that I was a good soldier?" "Certainly." "That usually
I--I--am neat and genteel?" "Yes, Billy." "And that I am a valuable
man?" "Yes; but you will get drunk." Billy drew himself up with great
dignity, and throwing himself on his reserved rights, indignantly
exclaimed: "Well now, Captain Sumner, do you really think Uncle Sam
expects--to--to--to get all the _cardinal virtues for twelve dollars a
month_?"
THE CORDS OF HYMEN.--221.
A poetical feminine, who found the cords of Hymen not so silky as she
expected, gives vent to feelings in the following regretful stanzas.
The penultimate line is peculiarly comprehensive and expansive:--
"When I was young I used to earn
My living without trouble;
Had clothes and pocket-money too,
And hours of pleasure double.
"I never dream'd of such a fate,
When I A-LASS was courted--
Wife, mother, nurse, seamstress, cook, housekeeper,
chambermaid, laundress, dairy-woman, and scrub generally,
doing the work of six,
For the sake of being supported."
CURE FOR FAINTING.--222.
A New York man, who had not been out of the city for years, fainted
away in the pure air of the country. He was only resuscitated by
putting a dead fish to his nose, when he slowly revived, exclaiming,
"That's good--it smells like home!"
A CHEAP TREAT.--223.
A hard-shell preacher, in discoursing about Daniel in the lion's
den, said: "And there he sat all night long, looking at the show for
nothing, and it didn't cost him a cent."
JOSH BILLINGS INSURES HIS LIFE.--224.
I kum to the conclusion lately that life was so onsartin, that the
only way for me to stand a fair chance with other folks was to get my
life insured, and so I called on the agent of the Garden Angel Life
Insurance Company, and answered the following questions, which were
put to me over the top of a pair of specks by a slick little fat old
feller, with a round gray head on him as any man ever owned:--1. Are
you mail or femail? if so, state how long you have been so. 2. Had
you a father or mother? if so, which? 3. Are you subject to fits? and
if so, du yu have more than one at a time? 4. What iz your precise
fiting wate? 5. Did you ever have any ancestors? and if so, how much?
6. What is your legal opinion of the constitushunality of the ten
commandments? 7. Du yu have any night-mare? 8. Are yu married or
single, or are yu a bachelor? 9. Du yu believe in a future stait? if
yu du, stait it. 10. What are your private sentiments about a rush of
rats to the hed? can it be did successfully? 11. Hav yu ever committed
suicide? and if so, how did it affect yu? After answering the above
questions, like a man in a confirmatiff, the slick little fat old
feller with gold specks on sed I was insured for life, and probably
would remain so for some years. I thanked him, and smiled one ov my
most pensive smiles.
SHORT AND EXPRESSIVE.--225.
Some years since there was a great gathering of people at Augusta,
Maine, to take into consideration the subject of building a dam across
the Kennebec River at that point. The meeting was followed by a dinner
at the Mansion House, and the Liquor Law being a thing not yet thought
of, the bottle circulated freely, and many of the guests were getting
"jolly mellow," when Frank ----, a wag of an editor, was called on
for a toast. Frank immediately staggered to his feet, and grasping
the back of his chair with one hand, and holding aloft with the
other a tumbler of "Old Jamaica," responded somewhat emphatically:
"Gentlemen, d--n the Kennebec!--and improve its navigation," and sat
down amid a roar of applause. The dam was built.
DOW, JUNIOR.--226.
It was Dow, jun.--sacred to his memory--who said that "Life is a
country dance: down outside and back; tread on the corns of your
neighbour; poke your nose everywhere; all hands around; right and
left. Bob your cocoanut--the figure is ended. Time hangs up the
fiddle, and death puts out the lights."
A PROMPT REPLY.--227.
A little boy, some six years old, was using his slate and pencil on
the Sabbath, when his father, who was a clergyman, entered, and said:
"My son, I prefer that you should not use your slate on the Lord's
Day." "I'm making meeting-houses, father," was the prompt reply.
INTERRUPTING THE SERMON.--228.
An amusing incident says the _Selinsgrove_ (Pa.) _Post_, occurred in
one of our churches on Sunday, which caused considerable tittering
throughout the congregation. While the minister was in the midst of
his sermon, a little boy about ten years of age quietly left his
seat, took his hat, walked up to the pulpit and asked permission of
the minister to leave the church, saying that he forgot to feed the
pig. The request was granted and the boy left; but returned in a few
minutes, no doubt greatly relieved. It embarrassed the minister for
some minutes afterwards.
HOW SAM WAS CAUGHT.--229.
An old lady who was making some jam was called upon by a neighbour.
"Sam, you rascal," she said, "you'll be eating my jam when I'm away."
Sam protested he'd die first; but the whites of his eyes rolled
hungrily towards the bubbling crimson. "See here, Sam," said the
old lady, taking up a piece of chalk, "I'll chak your lips, and on
my return I'll know if you've eaten any." So saying, she passed her
forefinger over the thick lip of the darkey, holding the chalk in the
palm of her hand, and not letting it touch him. When she came back,
she did not need to ask any question, for Sam's lips were chalked a
quarter of an inch thick.
FANCY HER FEELINGS.--230.
Not far from Central New Jersey lived two young lawyers, Archy Brown
and Thomas Jones. Both were fond of dropping into Mr. Smith's parlour
and spending an hour or two with his only daughter, Mary. One evening,
when Brown and Mary had discussed almost every topic, Brown suddenly,
in his sweetest tones, struck out as follows:--"Do you think, Mary,
you could leave father and mother, this pleasant home, with all its
ease and comforts, and go to the far West with a young lawyer, who had
but little besides his profession to depend upon, and with him search
out a new home, which it should be your joint duty to beautify, and
make delightful and happy like this?" Dropping her head softly on his
shoulders, she whispered, "I think I could, Archy." "Well," said he,
"there's Tom Jones, who's going West, and wants to get a wife; I'll
mention it to him."
ABSENCE OF MIND.--231.
The _Lowell Journal_ gives an account of a rich scene that occurred
in one of the Lowell hotels recently. A lodger, who had been on a
spree the previous evening, arose in the morning and rang the bell
violently. Boots appeared. "Where are my pants? I locked my door
last night, and somebody has stolen them?" Boots was green, and a
little terrified. He left, however, struck with a sudden thought, and
returned with the identical pants. The landlord was called to receive
complaints against Boots; but he made it evident that the man had put
out his pantaloons to be blacked instead of his boots. The lodger left
in the first train.
KEEN AND SIGNIFICANT.--232.
When the editor of the _Bulletin_ said, "We are under conviction
that," &c., the editor of the _Sunday Mercury_ retorted: "This is
not the first time that the editor of the _Bulletin_ has been _under
conviction_!"
A LEGAL TOAST.--233.
At a recent railroad dinner, in compliment to the legal fraternity,
the toast was given:--"An honest lawyer, the noblest work of God;" but
an old farmer in the back part of the hall rather spoiled the effect
by adding, in a loud voice, "And about the scarcest."
RATHER 'CUTE.--234.
A Western editor was recently requested to send his paper to a distant
patron, provided he would take his pay in "trade." At the end of the
year he found that his new subscriber was a coffin maker.
NOVEL HINT FROM THE PULPIT.--235.
The _Seneca Advertiser_ tells the following:--The pastor of a certain
church not a thousand miles from this place a few Sabbaths ago,
when about to baptize a child, reproved the flock in the following
fashion:--"My dear people, I fear that you are neglecting parental
duties, as this is only the second child presented for baptism during
my pastoral connection with this church." (Sensation among the
crinoline.)
TIRED OF HIS BOARDING-HOUSE.--236.
A prisoner of war advertises from Johnson's Island, in a New York
journal, for a substitute to take his place in the military prison
there:--"Wanted.--A substitute to stay here in my place. He must be
30 years old; have a good moral character; A 1 digestive powers, and
not addicted to writing poetry. To such a one all the advantages of
a strict retirement, army rations, and unmitigated watchfulness to
prevent them from getting lost, are offered for an indefinite period.
Address me at Block 1, Room 12, Johnson's Island Military Prison, at
any time for the next three years, enclosing half a dozen postage
stamps.--ASA HARTZ."
THE AMERICAN PLATFORMS.--237.
The _Croydon Democrat_ publishes the following platform arranged to
suit all parties. The first column is the Secession platform, the
second is the Abolition platform; and the whole read together is
the Democratic platform. The platform is like the Union--as a whole
it is Democratic, but divided, one half is Secession, and the other
Abolition:--
Hurrah for The old Union
Secession Is a curse
We fight for The constitution
The Confederacy Is a league with hell
We love Free speech
The rebellion Is treason
We glory in A free press
Separation Will not be tolerated
We fight not for The negroes' freedom
Reconstruction Must be obtained
We must succeed At every hazard
The Union We love
We love not The negro
We never said Let the Union slide
We want The Union as it was
Foreign intervention Is played out
We cherish The old flag
The stars and bars Is a flaunting lie
We venerate The _habeas corpus_
Southern chivalry Is hateful
Death to Jeff. Davis
Abe Lincoln Isn't the Government
Down with Mob law
Law and order Shall triumph.
ALL HUMAN.--238.
A Vermont farmer sent to an orphan asylum for a boy that was smart,
active, tractable, prompt, and industrious, clean, pious, intelligent,
good looking, reserved, and modest. The superintendent replied that
their boys were all human, though they were orphans, and referred him
to the New Jerusalem if he wanted to get the order filled.
CONDITIONAL FORGIVENESS.--239.
A negro about dying, was told by his minister that he must forgive
a certain darkey against whom he seemed to entertain very bitter
feelings. "Yes sah," he replied, "if I dies I forgive dat nigga; but
if I gets well, dat nigga must take care."
ILLEGIBLE MANUSCRIPTS.--240.
What guessers printers must be! A New York editor, in descanting upon
the guess-at-half-of-it style of writing in which many articles are
sent to be printed, gives the following amusing specimen. A piece of
poetry before him, written in what, at a reasonable glance, seemed to
be intelligible, when examined a little closer appeared to present the
following:--
Alone toss'd rolls a tear by Moses,
A many things we mourn by day;
Tom and the shouting Indian chorus,
And seethe their lambs at play.
Knowing, however, that his correspondent was not a fool, he more
carefully examined it, and he guesses that the following version is
nearer the author's intentions:--
I love to stroll at early morn
Among the new-mown hay,
To mark the sprouting Indian corn,
And see the lambs at play.
A CLOSE WITNESS.--241.
During a recent trial at Auburn, the following occurred to vary the
monotony of the proceedings:--Among the witnesses was one as verdant
a specimen of humanity as one would wish to meet with. After a
severe cross-examination the counsel for the Government paused, and
then putting on a look of severity and ominous shake of the head,
exclaimed, "Mr. Witness, has not an effort been made to induce you to
tell a different story?" "A different story from what I have told,
sir?" "That is what I mean." "Yes, sir; several persons have tried
to get me to tell a different story from what I have told, but they
couldn't." "Now, sir, upon your oath, I wish to know who these persons
are." "Wall, I guess you've tried 'bout as hard as any of them." The
witness was dismissed, while judge, jury, and spectators indulged in a
hearty laugh.
A SATISFACTORY REASON.--242.
A few days ago an Englishman came into a grocery to make a few
purchases, but was not suited with prices, so he broke out with, "What
a bloody country! I could get more for twopence at home than I can
'ere for 'arf a crown." "Why the devil didn't you stay at 'ome?" said
the angry groceryman. "I'll tell you," replied John Bull; "I couldn't
get the twopence."
THE OLD KING'S ARM.--243.
The old king's arm had a barrel as long as a rail, requiring some
little time for a musket-ball to get out of it. A sportsman, in
speaking of its peculiarities, said: "I once aimed at a robin, snapped
the lock four times, then looked into the muzzle, saw the charge
coming out, raised the gun again, took aim, and killed the bird."
REASONS FOR NOT JOINING THE CHURCH.--244.
Two lawyers in Lowell were returning from court, when the one said
to the other: "I've a notion to join Rev. Mr. ----'s church; been
debating the matter for some time. What do you think of it?" "Wouldn't
do it," said the other. "Well, why?" "Because it could do you no
possible good, while it would be a great injury to the church."
IRISH EXHORTATION.--245.
An Irishman in Pittsburgh, who was exhorting the people against
profane swearing, said he was grieved to see what he had seen in that
town. "My friends," said he, "such is the profligacy of the people
around here that even little children, who can neither walk nor talk,
may be seen runing about the streets cursing and swearing!"
IN LOVE WITH THE DEVIL.--246.
A Country exchange says:--As our "Devil" was going home with his
sweetheart, a few evening since, she said to him, "Dick, I fear I
shall never get to Heaven." "Why?" asked the knight of the ink-keg.
"Because," said she, with a melting look, "I love the _Devil_ so well!"
HOW MR. LINCOLN SHAKES HANDS.--247.
The correspondent of the _New York World_, in an account of Mr.
Lincoln's late visit to Philadelphia, writes:--"Mr. Lincoln passed
some time in shaking hands. This salutation is with him a peculiarity.
It is not the pump-handle 'shake,' nor a twist, nor a spasmodic motion
from side to side, nor yet a reach towards the knee and a squeeze
at arm's length. When Mr. Lincoln performs this rite, it becomes a
solemnity. A ghastly smile overspreads his peculiar countenance; then,
after an instant's pause, he suddenly thrusts his 'flapper' at you,
as a sword is thrust in tierce; you feel your hand enveloped as in a
fleshy vice, a cold clamminess overspreads your unfortunate digits, a
corkscrew burrows its way from your finger nails to your shoulder, the
smile disappears, and you know that you are unshackled. You carefully
count your fingers to see that none of them are missing, or that they
have not become assimilated in a common mass."
HARD SCRABBLE.--248.
A farmer who lives on a certain hill, called "Hard Scrabble," in
Central New York, says that last summer, owing to the drought and poor
land together, the grass was so short they had to lather it before
they could mow it!
I WOULD IF I COULD.--249.
A young lady was told by a married lady that she had better
precipitate herself off the Niagara Falls into the basin beneath than
marry. The young lady replied, "I would, if I thought I could find a
husband at the bottom."
A SOLEMN HOUR.--250.
An old "revolutioner" says of all the solemn hours he ever saw, that
occupied in going home one dark night from the Widow Bean's, after
being told by her daughter Sally that he "needn't come again," was the
most solemn.
PROVERBS.--PRESERVED BY JOSHUA BILLINGS, ESQ.--251.
Don't swop with your relashuns unless you kin afford to give them
the big end of the trade. Marry young, and, if circumstances require
it, often. If you can't git good cloathes and edication too, git the
cloathes. Say how are you to everybody. Kultivate modesty, but mind
and keep a good stock of impudence on hand. Bee charitable--three
cent. pieces were made on purpose. It costs more to borry than it does
to buy. Ef a man flatters yu, yu can kalkerlate he is a roge, or you
are a fule. Keep both ize open, but don't see morn harlf you notis.
If you ich for fame, go into a grave-yard and scratch yourself agin a
tume stone. Young man, be more anxus about the pedigre yur going to
leave than you are about the wun somebody's going to leave you. Sin is
like weeds--self-sone and sure to cum. Two lovers, like two armies,
generally git along quietly until they are engaged.
BRIGHAM YOUNG'S WIVES.--252.
Artemus Ward writes that he is tired of answering the questions as to
how many wives Brigham Young has. He says that all he knows about it
is that he one day used up the multiplication table in counting the
long stockings on a clothes-line in Brigham's back yard, and went off
feeling dizzy.
THE OTHER SIDE.--253.
One story is good until another is told, and the advice to "have
both sides" is old, but always good. The annoyance caused by ladies
in street-cars has been so frequently dwelt on that it has come to
be accepted as a matter of course that the wearers of crinoline
are sinners above all among the occupants of street-cars. But read
the following indictment drawn up against the male persuasion of
street-car society, and see if the account is not about balanced.
What "female nuisance" can surpass, for instance, the man who crosses
his legs, or puts his foot upon his knee, allowing a dirty boot to
wipe itself on good clothes passing him; the man who gets in chewing
the stump of a cigar, and declines to throw it away because he is
not smoking, and consequently stenches the whole conveyance; the man
who sits sideways when the seat is crowded; the man who fidgets in
a crowded seat; the man who, in getting out, lifts his feet so high
as to wipe the knees of every passer-by; the man who enters with a
paint pot; the ever-talkative man, who insists on drawing you into
conversation, and boring you with his ideas political; the man who is
deep in his cups; the ill-natured, ugly-looking man, who frightens all
children in arms; the over-dressed man, who is afraid of being mussed;
the rowdy man, who is spoiling for a fight; the fat man, who occupies
too much room; the lean man, who cuts you with his sharp hones; the
pretty man, who smirks so disgustingly; the man who wants to pick your
pocket; the friendly man, who requests a loan; the man with a writ;
the man that smells of garlic; the man that perfumes with musk; the
vanity man, who displays all the money he has while searching for a
five-cent. postal; the lazy man, who never hurries to get on or off;
the unaccommodating man, who refuses to have his basket placed on the
front platform; the man who treads on your newly-blacked boots; the
man who asks for a chew of tobacco; the profane man; the subscription
man; the insane man, on his way to the insane asylum; the man who asks
you the time of day when you are _minus_ a watch; and the man who
wants to be over-polite to your wife.
EDITORS EXCHANGING COMPLIMENTS.--254.
The _Louisville Journal_--an impudent, one-horse Kentucky concern,
conducted by a walking whisky-bottle--says that one of our
correspondents deprived it of its maps and despatches from Sherman's
army. The _Journal_ is unable to pay even wages to its correspondents,
and relies upon us for the news. Our correspondent purchased the maps
and intelligence referred to from one of the starving reporters of the
_Journal_, in order to save him from putting an end to his miserable
existence, since he could live no longer on the bottle of Bourbon a
week with which the _Journal_ supplied him. The Western editors are
all whisky-bottles, their reporters are all whisky, and their papers
have all the fumes of that beverage without any of its strength.
So much for the slanders of the _Louisville Journal_.--(_New York
Herald._) From the _Louisville Journal_:--This paragraph is the one to
which, without having seen it, we referred yesterday in our notice of
W. F. G. Shanks, a war correspondent of the _New York Herald_. That
paper says that its correspondent purchased from ours the map and the
intelligence referred to; this is the map and the rebel newspapers
mentioned by us yesterday. This is all a base and unmitigated
falsehood. The map was given to the _Herald's_ correspondent upon a
condition which he scandalously violated, and he feloniously broke
the seals of the papers and stole their contents for the use of his
thieving employers. The employers and the _employé_, instead of
throwing a stone at us, ought to be pecking the article in the State
prison. It is not supposable that any paper on earth could have aught
to gain from a dispute with the _New York Herald_. The editor of
that concern is so low down that fifty millstones around his neck,
waist, arms, and legs, couldn't sink him lower. Notoriously, he has
been oftener kicked and horsewhipped than any other man in the United
States. Whoever has had the slightest fancy for horsewhipping or
kicking him has done it. The licence to operate on him in either way,
or both, couldn't have been more perfect if he had worn the word "to
let" in chalk-marks upon his shoulders and coat-tail. When he has
waked up each morning, his reflection has been, "Now, is it to be
a horsewhipping or a kicking to-day?" and occasionally it has been
both, eked out with a smart nose-pulling. In fact, his nose has been
so frequently twisted that it is an entirely one-sided affair, and we
think that in common fairness "the twister" should be sentenced by a
court of justice to "untwist the twist." The editor of the _Herald_
is said to have a great deal of money, but his kicks far exceed
his coppers. The only time he was ever known to thank God was when
sharp-toed boots and shoes were changed to square-toed. It is said
that by long experience he could always tell, when kicked, whether the
application was made by boots, shoes, brogans, or slippers; at what
particular store the article was bought, what was its cost, what its
quality, and whether it was made of the hide of Durhams, short-horned
Alderneys, Herefords, or Devons. When cattle were killed, it was a
frequent understanding that while the fat was to be tried on the fire
the leather was to be tried on the editor of the _Herald_. He is
regarded as being undoubtedly the best judge of leather in New York;
not that he is a leather-dealer, but that leather-dealers have had so
much to do with him. He has come so often in contact with leather that
the part of him chiefly concerned has itself become leather; so he not
only walks upon leather when he walks, but sits upon leather when he
sits. The editor of the _Herald_ has lived a good deal longer than he
ought to have done, but it is to be hoped that he can't live always.
And if he ever dies, his hide should be tanned to leather--that is,
the small portion of it that hasn't already been--his hair used as
shoemaker's bristles, and his bones made into shoeing-horns.
A SLASHING ARTICLE.--255.
Editors, like other shrewd men, must live with their eyes and ears
open. The following story is told of one who started a paper in a
western town. The town was infested by gamblers, whose presence was a
source of annoyance to the citizens, who told the editor that if he
did not come out against them they would not patronize his paper. He
replied that he would give them a "smasher" next day. Sure enough,
his next issue contained the promised "smasher;" and on the following
morning the redoubtable editor, with scissors in hand, was seated in
his sanctum, when in walked a large man, with a horse-whip in his
hand, who demanded to know if the editor was in. "No, sir," was the
reply, "he has stepped out. Take a seat, and read the papers--he will
return in a minute." Down sat the indignant man of cards, crossed
his legs with his whip between them, and commenced reading a paper.
In the meantime the editor quietly vamoosed downstairs, and at the
landing he met another excited man with a cudgel in his hand, who
asked if the editor was in? "Yes, sir," was the quick response, "you
will find him seated upstairs, reading a newspaper." The latter, on
entering the room, with a furious oath, commenced a violent assault
upon the former, which was resisted with equal ferocity. The fight was
continued till they had both rolled to the foot of the stairs, and had
pounded each other to their heart's content.
A NOVEL VERDICT.--256.
A coroner's jury in Boston returned as a verdict, in the case of a
woman who died suddenly, that "she died from congestion of the brain,
caused by _overtipulation_."
AMERICAN NOTION OF VILLANY.--257.
The man that will take a newspaper for a length of time and then send
it back "refused" and unpaid for, would swallow a blind dog's dinner,
and then stone the dog for being blind.
CONFESSION OF A CLERGYMAN.--258.
A clergyman was lately depicting before a deeply-interested audience
the alarming increase of intemperance, when he astonished his hearers
by exclaiming: "A young woman in my neighbourhood died very suddenly
last Sabbath, while I was preaching the gospel in a state of beastly
intoxication!"
PERSONAL.--259.
A contemporary having published a long leader on "hogs," a rival paper
in the same village upbraids him for obtruding his family matters upon
the public.
AWKWARD COINCIDENCE.--260.
An American divine preached one Sunday morning from the text--"Ye
are the children of the devil," and in the afternoon, by a funny
coincidence, from the words, "Children, obey your parents."
HOW TO GET A SEAT BY THE FIRE.--261.
A traveller came into a country hotel in Wisconsin upon a very cold
day, and could get no room near the fire, whereupon he called to the
ostler to fetch a peck of oysters, and give them to his horse. "Will
your horse eat oysters?" replied the ostler. "Try him," said the
gentleman. The loafing guests running immediately to see this wonder,
the fireside was cleared, and the gentleman had his choice of seats.
The ostler brought back the oysters, and said the horse would not
touch them. "Won't he?" said the stranger. "Why, then, bring them
here; I shall be forced to eat them myself."
RIVALLING NATURE.--262.
Cotton being scarce, a Yankee "patriot" has invented, and is
selling like hot dumplings, india-rubber breastworks for ladies,
as his advertisement says:--"Rivalling nature in grace, shape, and
elasticity!"
THE SUBLIME AND RIDICULOUS.--263.
"Woman is most beautiful when in tears, like a rose wet with
the crystal dew."--_Mobile Examiner._ "We suppose the editor
of the _Examiner_ whips his wife every Sunday to make her look
beautiful."--_Baltimore Sun._
A SENSIBLE WOMAN.--264.
A lady that would please herself in marrying was warned that her
intended, although a good sort of a man, was very singular. "Well,"
replied the lady, "if he is very much unlike other men, he is much
more likely to be a good husband."
ANOTHER DISCOVERY.--265.
The other day a crowd was assembled around a drunken man lying at full
length in the street. They resorted to every known means to arouse
him; they rubbed his ears, then his hands, and shook him violently,
but all to no avail, for John Whisky had got too strong a hold on him.
Presently, a boy came along who was selling brewers' yeast, which he
carried in a pail. "What's the matter?" queried the hopeful; "can't
you get him up? Well, I can. If this yeast won't raise him, he's a
goner, for it'll raise anything that ever grew." Accordingly, he
poured about half a pint down the man's neck, and, sure enough, to
the surprise of all, it raised him instantly, and he went on his way,
growing taller every minute.
UNNECESSARY APPREHENSION.--266.
A fellow, who was being led to execution, told the officers not to
take him through a certain street, lest a merchant who resided there
should arrest him for an old debt.
EITHER WAY WILL DO.--267.
"Will you have me, Sarah?" said a young man to a modest girl. "No,
John," said she, "but you may have me, if you will."
A MOOTED QUESTION.--268.
It is a mooted question whether St. Paul was ever married. Eusebius
says he was a widower, which would usually imply that he had been. We
opine that he was, from the hearty manner in which he discouraged the
institution.
PARTING FRIENDS.--269.
A clergyman travelling in California encountered a panther, of which
he subsequently wrote as follows: "I looked at him long enough to
note his brown and glossy coat, his big, glaring eyes, his broad and
well-developed muzzle, and his capacious jaws, when both of us left
the spot, and, I am pleased to add, in opposite directions."
HOW TO DO BUSINESS.--270.
It is told of a well-known American map-agent out here, that on a
recent trip in the interior of the island, he was attacked by highway
robbers, who demanded his money. Being more prudent than to carry
money into the country, they failed in making a haul. "But," said our
Yankee, "I have some splendid maps of the island along with me, which
I should like to show you;" and in a twinkling he was off his horse,
and a map stuck up on a pole, and explained it so effectually that he
sold each of the banditti a map, pocketed the money, and resumed his
journey, better off for the encounter.
EXEMPT, DECIDEDLY.--271.
"Ugh! How do you make out that you are exempt, eh?" "I am over age, I
am a negro, a minister, a cripple, a British subject, and a habitual
drunkard."
A LONE NIGGER.--272.
During the last winter a "contraband" came into the Federal lines
in North Carolina, and was marched up to the officer of the day to
give an account of himself, whereupon the following colloquy ensued:
"What's your name?" "My name's Sam." "Sam what?" "No, sah; not Sam
Watt. I'se jist Sam." "What's your other name?" "I hasn't got no
oder name, sah. I'se Sam--dat's all." "What's your master's name?"
"I'se got no massa now. Massa runned away--yah, yah! I'se free nigger
now." "Well, what's your father and mother's name?" "I'se got none,
sah--neber had none. I'se jist Sam--ain't nobody else." "Haven't you
any brothers and sisters?" "No, sah; neber had none. No brudder, no
sister, no fader, no mudder, no massa--nothin' but Sam. When you see
Sam you see all dere is of us."
A LIBELLOUS ASSERTION.--273.
Ask a woman to a tea-party in the Garden of Eden, and she'd be sure to
draw up her eyelids and scream: "I can't go without a new gown."
WESTERN NEIGHBOURS.--274.
"Where is your house?" asked a traveller in the depths of one of the
"old solemn wildernesses" of the great West. "House! I ain't got no
house." "Well, where do you live?" "I live in the woods, sleep on the
great Government purchase, eat raw bear and wild turkey, and drink out
of the Mississippi!" And he added--"It's getting too thick with the
folks out here. You're the second man I've seen within the last month,
and I hear there's a whole family come in about fifty miles down the
river. I'm going to put out into the woods again."
SNUBBING A LAWYER.--275.
Old Mrs. Lawson was called as a witness. She was sharp and wide awake.
At last the cross-examining lawyer, out of all patience, exclaimed,
"Mrs. Lawson, you have brass enough in your face to make a twelve
quart pail." "Yes," she replied, "and you've got sass enough in your
head to fill it."
GETTING DOWN A LADDER.--276.
"Mass Tom! Oh, Mass Tom! howse I goin ter get down dis ladder?" "Come
down the same way you went up, you blockhead!" replied the master,
running out to see what was the matter. "De same way as I come up,
Mass Tom?" "Yes, confound you, and don't bother me any more!" "Well,
if I must, I must!"--and down came the little darkey head foremost.
IRISH NEGRO.--277.
A negro from Montzerat, or Marigalante, where the Hiberno-Celtic is
spoken by all classes, happened to be on the wharf at Philadelphia
when a number of Irish emigrants were landed; and seeing one of them
with a wife and four children, he stepped forward to assist the family
on shore. The Irishman, in his native tongue, expressed his surprise
at the civility of the negro; who, understanding what had been said,
replied in Irish, that he need not be astonished, for that he was
a _bit of an Irishman himself_. The Irishman, surprised to hear a
black man speak in his _Milesian_ dialect, it entered his mind with
the usual rapidity of Irish fancy, that he really was an Irishman,
but that the climate had changed his fair complexion. "_If I may be
so bold, sir_," said he, "_may I ask how long you have been in this
country_?" The negro man, who had only come hither on a voyage, said
he had been in Philadelphia only about four months. Poor Patrick
turned round to his wife and children, and looking as if for the last
time on their rosy cheeks, concluding that in four months they must
also change their complexion, exclaimed, "O merciful powers! Biddy,
did you hear that? He is not more than four months in this country,
and he is already almost as black as jet."
INTERESTING EXPERIMENT.--278.
The muscles of the human jaw produce a power equal to one hundred and
twenty-five pounds. If you ever had your fingers in an angry man's
mouth, you will not dispute the veracity of this assertion.
SAYINGS OF JOSH BILLINGS.--279.
I suppose the reason whi wimmin are so fast talkers, iz bekauze tha
don't hav tew stop tew spit on their hands. After Joseph's brotheren
had beat him out ov hiz cut ov many cullars, what did tha dew nex? Tha
pittied him! Thare iz nothing in this life that will open the pores
ov a man so mutch, as tew fall in luv; it makes him as fluent az a
tin whissell, az limber az a boy's watch chain, and az perlite as a
dansing-master; hiz harte iz az full ov sunshine az a hay-field, and
there aint any more guile in him than there iz in a stik ov merlasses
candy. Thare iz a grate number ov ways for folks tew make phools of
themselfs, but thare iz one way so simple, i wonder nobody haz ever
tried it, and that iz tew run after real-estate advertizements. Thare
don't seem tew be enny end tew the ambishun ov men, but thare iz one
thing that sum ov them will find out if tha ever dew git tew Heaven,
and that iz tha can't git enny further. He who can hold awl he gits,
kan most generally get more, I serpoze if a commisshun should cum
from Heaven tew gather up awl the intrinsick literature among men, a
common-sized angel kould fly off with the whole ov it under one wing
and not lug him mutch. Yu kant alwus tell a gentleman by hiz clothes,
but yu kan bi hiz finger nails. Adam invented "_luv at first sight_,"
one of the greatest laber-saving machines the world ever saw. It iz
a grave question, whether, in curtailing superfluitys in these hard
times, we have a moral right tew cut oph a dorg's tale tew save the
expense ov boarding it. I hav herd a grate deal ced about "_broken
hartes_," and thare may be a few of them, but mi experiense iz that
nex tew the gizzard, the harte iz the tuffest peace ov meat in the
whole critter.
TWO THINGS MADE TO BE LOST.--280.
A country editor comes to the conclusion that there are two things
that were made to be lost--sinners and umbrellas.
REASONS ENOUGH.--281.
An editor complained that he could not sleep one night, summing up the
causes:--A wailing baby, sixteen months old; a howling dog under the
window; a cat-fight in the alley; a nigger serenade in a shanty over
the way; a toothache; and a pig trying to get in at the back-door.
LOW-NECKED FROCKS.--282.
The Rev. Mr. Sniffkins has recorded in his diary that three
conspicuous low-necked frocks in a congregation will neutralize the
effect of the best discourse that ever was preached.
EMERSON AND THEODORE PARKER.--283.
There is an allegorical story current that once, immediately after
Theodore Parker had parted from Ralph Waldo Emerson on the road to
Boston, a crazy Millerite encountered Parker, and cried: "Sir, do
you not know that the world is coming to an end?" Upon which Parker
replied: "My good man, that doesn't concern me; I live in Boston."
The same fanatic, overtaking Emerson, announced in the same terms the
approach of the end of the world, upon which Emerson replied: "I am
glad of it, sir; man will get along much better without it!"
HOW TO GO MAD.--284.
Be an editor; let the devil be waiting for copy; sit down to write an
article, and get a few sentences done; then let an acquaintance drop
in and begin to tell you stories and gossips of the town; let him
sit, and sit, and sit. This is the quickest way we can think of to go
raving, distracted mad.
A WISE JUDGE.--285.
A Massachusetts judge has decided that a husband may open his wife's
letters, on the ground (so often and so tersely stated by Mr.
Theophilus Parsons, of Cambridge) that "the husband and the wife are
one, and the husband is that one!"
SPARING HIS FEELINGS.--286.
The editor of the _Louisville Journal_, in speaking of an assailant
who had vehemently denied a charge of having been drunk on a certain
occasion, says "that he cannot positively state that the gentleman
in question was drunk, but that he does know that he was seen in the
street at midnight, with his hat off, explaining the principles and
theory of true politeness to the toes of his boots!"
OF COURSE NOT.--287.
The _Grand Rapids Eagle_ man says he wouldn't mind the price of wood
so much, if all his neighbours hadn't taken to the disgusting habit of
locking their wood-house doors at night.
A FEMALE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON.--288.
Mrs. Ripley, of Concord, Mass., is well known to the naturalists on
account of her valuable collection of lichens, and to the Cambridge
professors on account of her success in training young men for the
university. It is said that a learned gentleman once called to see
this lady, and found her hearing at once the lesson of one student in
Sophocles, and that of another in Differential Calculus, at the same
time rocking her grandchild's cradle with one foot, and shelling peas
for dinner.
A FLOATING POPULATION.--289.
"You have considerable floating population in this village, havn't
you?" asked a stranger of one of the citizens of a village on the
Mississippi. "Well, yes, rather," was the reply; "about half the year
the water is up to the second storey windows."
DEMOCRATS _versus_ REPUBLICANS.--290.
A prominent speaker at a Republican gathering in Ohio, said that "he
expected to spend an eternity in company with Republicans," to which a
Democrat replied that he "rather thought he would, _unless he repented
of his sins_."
A POOR COUPLE.--291.
A couple announce in the _New York Post_ their marriage, and add to
the notice--"No cards, nor any money to get them with."
AN INDUCEMENT TO YOUNG PEOPLE.--292.
A minister out West, advertised, in the hope of making young people
come forward, that he would marry them for a glass of whisky, a dozen
eggs, the first kiss of the bride, and a quarter of a pig.
AN EDITORIAL HORSE.--293.
An editor in the far West has bought a racehorse for which he
paid 2000 dollars. On being asked what an editor had to do with a
racehorse, he replied that "he was to be used in catching runaway
subscribers."
HIGHLY PROBABLE.--294.
An American editor acknowledges the receipt of a bottle of brandy 48
years old, and says "this brandy is so old that we very much fear it
cannot live much longer."
NOVEL EFFECT OF A SECOND MARRIAGE.--295.
One of the substitute soldiers who was presented for examination
at Captain Hamlin's office recently was a man who gave his name as
(we will say) Michael Flynn. When he was stripped, upon his arm was
clearly tattooed the name of John Sullivan. "But, I thought, you said
your name was Michael Flynn?" said the doctor. "Yes," stammered the
Hibernian sub, "but I have been married twice." Michael passed.
STRIKING DEFINITION OF A COQUETTE.--296.
A Western genius defines a coquette as a box of snuff, from which
every lover takes a pinch. Her husband, fortunate or unfortunate
wretch, as he may think himself, gets the box--on the ear.
QUALIFICATIONS FOR A PARSON.--297.
It is related of a certain church in New York, whose deacons and
principal men are of the conservative order, that when recently in
want of a pastor, they made application to a divine noted for his
talents and brilliancy of oratory to become their settled minister.
While negotiating the "call" they signified to the divine that they
did not want a man to preach politics or temperance. "What kind of a
preacher do you want?" inquired the minister. To which they replied
that they desired a pastor who was "_rather religiously inclined_."
This reminds us of a popular preacher we used to know down East, one
of whose prominent parishioners considered him the perfection of a
preacher, because "he never meddles with either politics or religion!"
EXTRAORDINARY ABSENCE OF MIND.--298.
The most recent case of absence of mind is that of an editor, who
lately copied from a hostile paper one of his own articles, and headed
it, "Wretched attempt at wit."
A JOKE BY JENKINS.--299.
"A beautiful day, Mr. Jenkins?" "Yes, very pleasant, indeed." "Good
day for the race." "Race, what race?" "The human race." "Oh, go along
with your stupid jokes; get up a good one, like the one with which I
sold Day." "Day, what Day?" "The day we celebrate," said Jenkins, who
went on his way rejoicing.
"AND THAT'S A FACT."--300.
A paper notorious for its veracity says "that a man in New Hampshire
went out gunning one day this spring; he saw a flock of pigeons
sitting on a branch of an old pine, so he dropped a ball into his gun
and fired. The ball split the branch, which closed up, and caught
the toes of all the birds in it. He saw that he had got them all,
and so he fastened two balls together and fired, cut the branch off,
which fell into the river. He then waded in and brought it on shore.
On counting them there were 300 pigeons, and in his boots were two
barrels of shad."
A QUESTION FOR ASTRONOMERS.--301.
A teacher in a western county in Canada, while making his first
visit to his "constituents," came into conversation with an ancient
"Varmount" lady, who had taken up her residence in the "backwoods."
Of course, the school and former teachers came in for criticism; and
the old lady, in speaking of his predecessor, asked: "Wa'll, master,
what do yer think he larnt the schollards?" "Couldn't say, ma'am.
Pray, what did he teach?" "Wa'al, he told 'em that this 'ere airth
was _reound_, and went areound; and all that sort 'o thing. Now,
master, what do _you_ think about sich stuff? Don't you think he was
an ignorant feller?" Unwilling to come under the category of the
ignorami, the teacher evasively remarked: "It really did seem strange;
but still there are many learned men who teach these things." "Wa'al,"
says she, "if the airth is reound, and goes reound, what holds it
_up_?" "Oh, these learned men say that it goes around the sun, and
that the sun holds it up by virtue of the law of attraction." The old
lady lowered her "specs," and, by way of climax, responded: "Wa'al,
if these high larn't men sez the sun holds up the airth, _I should
like tu know what holds the airth up when the sun goes down_!"
GRIEVING FOR A WIFE.--302.
A man in New Hampshire had the misfortune recently to lose his wife.
Over the grave he caused a stone to be placed, on which, in the depth
of his grief, he had ordered to be inscribed--"Tears cannot restore
her, therefore I weep."
WHAT IRISHMEN DO!--303.
George Penn Johnson, one of our most eloquent stump speakers, who
loves a good thing too well to let it slip upon any occasion,
addressing a meeting where it was a great point to obtain the Irish
vote, after alluding to the native American party in no flattering
terms, inquired, "Who dig our canals? Irishmen. Who build our
railroads? Irishmen. (Great applause.) Who build all our gaols?
Irishmen. (Still greater applause.) Who fill all our gaols? Irishmen!"
This capping climax, if it did not bring down the house, did the Irish
in a rush for the stand. Johnson did not wait to receive them.
SAD SCARCITY OF PAPER.--304.
Paper is so scarce in the South that the editor of the _Morning
Traitor_ writes his editorials with stolen chalk on the sole of his
boot, and goes barefooted while his boy sets up the manuscript!
THE DATE WANTED.--305.
At a concert recently, at the conclusion of the song, "There's a Good
Time Coming," a country farmer got up and exclaimed, "Say, mister, you
couldn't fix the date, could you?"
THE HEIGHT OF MEANNESS.--306.
The meanest fellow in Onondaga county is a fellow who once had the
plate of his grandmother's coffin made over into a tobacco-box.
COLUMBUS'S DISCOVERY.--307.
A country editor thinks that Columbus is not entitled to much credit
for discovering America, as the country is so large he could not well
have missed it.
THE LONG AND THE SHORT OF IT.--308.
One of the American papers observes of Mr. Wentworth, a member of
Congress for a district of Illinois, that "he is so tall, that when
he addresses the people, instead of mounting a stump, as is usual in
the West, they have to dig a hole for him to stand in!" Another paper,
which goes the whole ticket against Mr. Wentworth, politely observes
that they "dig a hole for him not because he is tall, but because he
never feels at home except when he is up to his chin in dirt."
COOLNESS.--309.
He would eat oysters while his neighbour's house was in flames--always
provided that his own was insured. Coolness! he's a piece of marble
carved into a broad grin.
NAMING CHILDREN IN AMERICA.--310.
On Long Island, a Mr. Crabb named a child
"Through-much-tribulation-we-enter-into-the-kingdom-of-Heaven
Crabb." The child went by the name of Tribby. Scores of such names
could be cited. In Saybrook, Connecticut, is a family by the name
of Beman, whose children are successively named as follows:--1.
Jonathan Hubbard Lubbard Hunk Dan Dunk Peter Jacobus Lackny Christian
Beman. 2. Prince Fredrick Henry Jacob Zaccheus Christian Beman. 3.
Queen Caroline Sarah Rogers Ruhamah Christian Beman. 4. Charity
Freelove Ruth Grace Mercy Truth Faith and Hope and Peace Pursue
I'll-have-no-more-to-do-for-that-will-go-clear-through-Christian Beman.
A POLITE MAN.--311.
"My deceased uncle," says an American writer, "was the most polite
man in the world. He was making a voyage on the Mississippi and the
boat sank. My uncle was just on the point of drowning. He got his
head above water for once, took off his hat, and said, 'Ladies and
gentlemen, will you please excuse me?' and down he went."
FINE WRITING.--312.
We like fine writing when it is properly applied, so we appreciate
the following burst of eloquence:--"As the ostrich uses both legs and
wings when the American courser bounds in her rear--as the winged
lightnings leap from the heavens when the thunderbolts are loosed--so
does a little boy run when a big dog is after him."
"MAILS" AND FEMALES.--313.
A New England postmaster complains that too much courting goes on in
his office. The females give him more trouble than the "mails."
AN UNKIND REMINDER.--314.
A negro boy was driving a mule, when the animal suddenly stopped short
and refused to move. "Won't go, eh?" said the boy; "feel grand, do
you? I s'pose you forget your fader was a jackass."
"CLIMACTERIC SUBLIMITY."--315.
The following peroration to an eloquent harangue, addressed to
a jury by a lawyer in Ohio, is a rare specimen of climacteric
sublimity:--"And now the shades of night had shrouded the earth
in darkness. All nature lay wrapped in solemn thought, when these
defendant ruffians came rushing like a mighty torrent from the hills,
down upon the abodes of peace, broke open the plaintiff's door,
separated the weeping mother from her crying infant, and took away--my
client's rifle, gentlemen of the jury, for which we claim fifteen
dollars."
MORE LAUGHABLE THAN LOGICAL.--316.
A temperance lecturer, in addressing an audience in Boston, said,
"Parents, you have children, or, if you have not, your daughters may
have."
THE LAW OF COMPENSATION.--317.
Joe being rather remiss in his Sunday-school lesson, the teacher
remarked that he hadn't a very good memory. "No, ma'am," said he,
hesitating, "but I have got a first-rate forgettery!"
COULDN'T MAKE AN IMPRESSION.--318.
A little boy, of four years, who had been lectured by his aunt on the
evil of disobedience to parents, was shown the example of a boy who
disobeyed his mother, and went to the river and got drowned. "Did he
die?" said Bobby, who had given the story due attention. "Yes," was
the serious reply. "What did they do with him?" asked Bobby, after a
moment's reflection. "Carried him home," replied his aunt, with due
solemnity. After turning the matter over in his mind, as it was hoped
profitably, he looked up and closed the conversation by asking, "Why
didn't they chuck him in again."
THE MINISTER'S RECEPTION.--319.
A certain lady one day had been much annoyed by the ringing of her
door-bell by the mischievous boys in the vicinity, and determined to
be made no more a fool of by going to the door. In the course of the
forenoon, however, her minister called to see her, dressed in his
nicest manner. He ascended the steps, and gently drew the bell-handle,
when the lady shouted from the entry--"I see you, my boy! if I catch
you I'll wring your neck!" The affrighted gentleman rushed down the
steps through a crowd of young scamps, and was not seen at the lady's
house again.
PRINTERS' MISTAKES.--320.
During the Mexican war, one newspaper hurriedly announced an important
item of news from Mexico, that General Pillow and thirty-seven of his
men had been lost in a _bottle_. Some other paper informed the public
not long ago "that a man in a brown surtout was yesterday brought
before the police court, on a charge of having stolen a small _ox_
from a lady's workbag. The stolen property was found in his waistcoat
pocket." "A _rat_" says another paper, "descending the river, came
in contact with a steamboat, and so serious was the injury done to
the boat that great exertions were necessary to save it." An English
paper once stated that the Russian General Raekinoffkowsky "was found
dead with a long _word_ in his mouth." It was, perhaps, the same paper
that, in giving a description of a battle between the Poles and the
Russians, said that "the conflict was dreadful, and the enemy was
repulsed with great _laughter_." Again: "A gentleman was yesterday
brought up to answer the charge of having _eaten_ a stage driver for
demanding more than his fare. At the late Fourth of July dinner, in
the town of Charlestown, none of the poultry were eatable except the
_owls_."
PLAIN ENOUGH.--321.
A Western editor, in reply to a contemporary, says to him, "The fact
is as evident as the nose on your face, or the whisky blossoms on the
countenance of your Mayor."
ONE OF THE PRESS.--322.
A very fat man having taken his seat in an omnibus already crowded, to
the great annoyance of the passengers, several, with partial breathing
and muttering lips, inquired who such a lump of flesh as the new comer
could be. "I don't know," said a wag, "but, judging from the effect he
produces, I should suppose him a member of the Press."
ANOTHER BURST OF ELOQUENCE.--323.
In a stump speech somewhere out West--the usual locality--a windy
orator recently got up before an assemblage of his intelligent
countrymen, and said: "Sir, after much reflection, consideration, and
examination, I have calmly, deliberately, and carefully come to the
determined conclusion, that in cities where the population is very
large there are a greater number of men, women, and children, than in
cities where the population is less. And I firmly believe there is not
a man, woman, or child in all this vast assembly that has reached the
age of fifty or upwards but has felt this mighty truth rolling through
his breast for centuries."
THE REASON WHY.--324.
An American wag says that the reason why more marriages take place in
winter than in summer is because the gentlemen require comforters and
the ladies muffs.
THE CLERGYMAN AND THE LAWYER.--325.
The following incident is of recent date, and the witness was a
clergyman. Scene, a crowded court: trial, an action on the warranty of
a horse, commonly called a horse cause. Witness, a clergyman, who was
sworn in his examination-in-chief that in his opinion the horse was
sound.--Counsel: Well, you don't know anything about horses. You're a
parson, you know.--Witness: I have a good deal of knowledge respecting
horses.--Counsel: You think you have, I dare say, but we may think
otherwise. I wonder, now, whether you know the difference between a
horse and a cow.--Witness: Yes, I dare say I do.--Counsel: Now, then,
tell the jury the difference between a horse and a cow.--Witness:
Gentlemen, one great difference between these two animals is, that
the one has horns and the other has not; much the same difference,
gentlemen, that exists between a _bull_ and a _bully_ (turning to
counsel). (Roars of laughter, Judge joining.)--Counsel (very angrily):
I dare say you thought that very funny, sir?--Witness: Well, I don't
think it was bad, and several of the audience seem to be of the same
opinion.
EDITORIAL FIX.--326.
A Western editor must be in a bad fix. Having dunned a subscriber for
his subscription, he not only refused to pay, but threatened to flog
the editor if he stopped the paper.
A MEAT BABY.--327.
A wee little girl in Boston besought her mother, when she was
going out shopping the other day, to bring her home a baby. The
indulgent parent selected a pretty doll, and on her return made the
presentation, expecting to see her daughter greatly pleased with it.
But the precious child could hardly keep the tears from her eyes, as
she disappointedly exclaimed, "I don't want that--I want a _meat_
baby!"
THE LAPSE OF AGES.--328.
An exchange asks, very innocently, if it is any harm for young ladies
to sit in the lapse of ages? Another replies, that it all depends on
the kind of ages selected. Those from eighteen to twenty-five it puts
down as extra hazardous.
PERILS OF THE "FOURTH ESTATE."--329.
It takes three editors to start a paper in New Orleans--one to get
killed in a duel, one to die with the yellow fever, and one to write
an obituary of the defunct two.
MODEL ADVERTISEMENTS.--330.
Model of First-rate Advertisements for a Modern High-Pressure
Sentimental Novel:--
Startling, terrific, paralyzing.--_Ditchville Chronicle._
We understand that the publishers of this extraordinary work, in
consequence of the immense demand, were obliged to issue three
editions at once, and that the united energies of steam and manual
labour in New York, have in vain been employed to satisfy the
incessant applications for it. On various occasions the police have
been called in to protect the booksellers against the insolence of
disappointed customers, while several suits for libel are pending
against persons who, in a paroxysm of rage, have vented their spleen
on the innocent authoress. The excitement has reached a fearful
pitch, and all business has been brought to a stand by the absorbing
devotion of the public to this great work of genius. In some cases
the engineers on the railroads, in perusing it, have been so lost to
a sense of duty, as to let the fires of their locomotives go out,
and cause the stoppage of trains for hours. Porters may be seen
sitting on their wheelbarrows at every corner enjoying its contents.
Omnibus horses are growing fat from the refusal of drivers to ply the
lash, until they have read it through, line by line, to the fearful
catastrophe of the last page, and even the clamorous voice of the
newsboy is no longer heard, for he sits crouching over its fascinating
pages in his cheerless garret. On the first day of the sale, the
doors of the book-stores were strongly barricaded, extra clerks were
provided, and yet, despite these precautions, fearful riots took place
among the contending crowd, in which, as the historians say, "neither
age, sex, nor condition were respected." The truth is, that if many
more such books are written in the country, there is great danger
that agriculture, commerce, and manufactures will be abandoned, and
we shall become nothing else than a nation of novel readers.--_The
Flambeau of Literature._
NOT PARTICULAR.--331.
A Western editor says:--"Wood, chips, coke, coal, corn-cobs,
feathers, rosin, sawdust, shavings, splinters, dry leaves, old rags,
fence-rails, barn-doors, flints, or anything that will burn or strike
fire, taken on subscription at this office."
TRUE AMERICAN PATRIOTISM.--332.
A Down-Easter thus distinguishes between different sorts of
patriotism:--"Some esteem it sweet to die for one's country; but most
of our patriots hold it sweeter still to live _upon_ one's country."
POETICAL PATCHWORK.--333.
Rock'd in the cradle of the deep,
Old Casper's work was done;
Piping on hollow reeds to his pent sheep,
Charge, Chester, charge! On, Stanley, on!
There was a sound of revelry by night,
On Linden, when the sun was low;
A voice replied, far up the height,
Tall oaks from little acorns grow.
What, if a little rain should say,
I have not loved the world, nor the world me!
Ah! well a-day;
Woodman spare that tree!
My heart leaps up with joy to see
A primrose by the water's brim;
Zaccheus, he did climb that tree;
Few of our youth could cope with him.
The prayer of Ajax was for light,
The light that never was on sea or shore;
Pudding and beef make Britons fight;
Never more!
Under a spreading chestnut tree,
For hours the gither, sat
I and my Annabel Lee;
A man's a man for a' that.
Truth crush'd to earth shall rise again,
And waste its sweetness on the desert air;
In thunder, lightning, or in rain,
None but the brave deserve the fair.
Tell me not in mournful numbers,
The child is father of the man;
Hush, my dear, lie still in slumber.
They can conquer who believe they can.
A change came o'er the spirit of my dream;
Whatever is, is right,
And things are not what they seem;
My native land, good night!
SO HUMANE.--334.
A lady in Brooklyn is known to be so humane that she will not allow
even her carpet to be beaten; and was frightfully shocked on hearing a
boy, who was relating a story about a donkey, tell his comrades to cut
his tail short. She actually fainted away when a relative said he had
been killing time.
THE LYING AT THE TOP.--335.
"Truth lies at the bottom of the well." All very well, as long as it
stays there; but it is the lying at the top and thereabouts that does
all the mischief!
"BRAGGIN' SAVES ADVERTISIN'."--336.
"Well," said the doctor, "I didn't want to put myself forward, for it
ain't pleasant to speak of oneself." "Well, I don't know that," sais
I; "I ain't above it, I assure you. If you have a horse to sell, put
a thunderin' long price on him, and folks will think he must be the
devil and all; and if you want people to vally you right, appraise
yourself at a high figure. Braggin' saves advertisin'. I always do it;
for, as the Nova Scotia magistrate said, who sued his debtor before
himself, 'What's the use of being a justice, if you can't do yourself
justice.'"--_Sam Slick._
CONCLUSIVE.--337.
A story that General Hooker has been left immensely rich by the
death of a Mexican wife is thus disposed of by the San Francisco
_Atta_:--"1st, General Hooker's wife was not rich when he married her,
nor at any other time. 2nd, General Hooker's wife was not a Mexican.
3rd, General Hooker's wife is not dead. 4th, General Hooker never had
a wife. 5th, General Hooker is not a Croesus, never was, and never
will be."
VERDICT OF A NEGRO JURY.--338.
"We, the undersigned, being a Kurnet's Juray to sit on de body of de
nigger Sambo, now dead and gone before us, hab been sittin' on de said
nigger aforesaid, did on de night of de fusteenth of November, come to
def by falling from de bridge ober the riber in de said riber, whar we
find he was subsequently drowned, and afterwards washed on the riber
side, whar we s'pose he was frose to death."
VERY CIVIL WAR.--339.
On our left, where our lines were close to the rebs, two videttes from
opposite sides were moved out towards the same tree. After remaining
for some time near the tree unknown to each other, our vidette
discovered that he had lost his cap-box, and commenced calling for the
corporal. After calling several times without effect, the reb vidette
called out, "I say, Yank, what's the matter on your side of the tree?"
The "Yank" immediately replied that he wanted to go for some water.
"Well, go ahead," answered "Johnny;" "I'll watch both sides till you
come back."
A REAL HEAVY GALE.--340.
"Was you ever in a real heavy gale of wind?" "Warn't I," said I; "the
fust time I returned from England it blew great guns all the voyage,
one gale after another, and the last always wuss than the one before.
It carried away our sails as fast as we bent them." "That's nothing
unusual," said Cutter; "there are worse things than that at sea."
"Well, I'll tell," sais I, "what it did; and if that ain't an uncommon
thing, then my name ain't Sam Slick. It blew all the hair off my dog,
except a little tuft atween his ears."
AN APPROPRIATE GIFT.--341.
The _New York Atlas_ says:--"Judge Kelly and other citizens of
Philadelphia have presented a medal to President Lincoln. The
medallion has the bust of Washington on one side, and that of Mr.
Lincoln on the other. The peculiar felicity of this design is apparent
to the most obtuse. Washington was a patriot and a hero, and Lincoln
is unquestionably _the reverse_. It seems somewhat superfluous,
however, to strike a medal to perpetuate the knowledge of a fact so
indisputable."
THE CROOKED STICK.--342
Maria, just at twenty, swore
That no man less than six feet four
Should be her chosen one;
At thirty, she was glad to fix
A spouse exactly four feet six,
As better far than none.
A SPARE GIRL.--343.
"I never," says Sam Slick, "see so spare a gal since I was raised.
Pharaoh's lean kine warn't the smallest part of a circumstance to her.
She was so thin, she actilly seemed as if she would have to lean agin
the wall to support herself when she scolded, and I had to look twice
at her before I could see her at all, for I warn't sure _she warn't
her own shadow_."
NEW WAY TO AFFIX A STAMP.--344.
"You remind me," says I, "of a feller in Slickville, when the six-cent
letter-stamps came in fashion. He licked the stamp so hard, he took
all the gum off, and it wouldn't stay on nohow he could fix it, so
what does he do but put a pin through it, and writes on the letter,
'Paid, if the darned thing will only stick.'"--_Sam Slick._
THE ORIGINAL BROTHER JONATHAN.--345.
When General Washington, after being appointed Commander of the Army
of Revolutionary War, came to Massachusetts to organize it, and make
preparations for the defence of the country, he found a great want of
ammunition and other means necessary to meet the powerful foe he had
to contend with, and great difficulty to obtain them. If attacked in
such condition, the cause at once might be hopeless. On one occasion,
at that anxious period, a consultation of the officers and others was
held, when it seemed no way could be devised to make such preparations
as were necessary. His Excellency Jonathan Trumbull, the elder, was
then Governor of the State of Connecticut, on whose judgment and aid
the general placed the greatest reliance, and remarked: "We must
consult 'Brother Jonathan' on the subject." The general did so, and
the governor was successful in supplying many of the wants of the
army. When difficulties arose, and the army was spread over the
country, it became a by-word, "We must consult Brother Jonathan." The
term Yankee is still applied to a portion, but "Brother Jonathan" has
become a designation of the whole country, as John Bull is for England.
THOUGHTFUL MOTHERS.--346.
It is said that some mothers in America are grown so affectionate that
they give their children chloroform previous to whipping them.
GRACE ONCE FOR ALL.--347.
Benjamin Franklin, when a child, found the long graces used by his
father before and after meals very tedious. One day after the winter's
provisions had been salted, "I think father," said Benjamin, "if you
were to say _grace_ over the whole cask once for all, it would be a
great saving of time."
PAINTING TO THE LIFE.--348.
Slick says: "I think, without bragging, I may say I can take things
off to the life. Once I drawed a mutton chop so nateral, my dog broke
his teeth in tearing the panel to pieces to get at it; and at another
time I painted a shingle so like stone, when I threw it into the
water, it sunk right kerlash to the bottom."
COLUMBUS AND THE EGG.--349.
Columbus, speaking with great humility of his discovery of America,
some of the company spoke in very depreciating terms of the
expedition. "There is no more difficulty," replied Columbus, "than
in putting this egg on its end." They tried the experiment, and all
failed. Columbus, breaking a little off the end, set it upright. The
company sneered at the contrivance. "Thus," observed Columbus, "a
thing appears very easy after it is done."
THE HEAVENLY "BODIES."--350.
"Mamma, mamma," cried a little one, whose early hour of retirement
had not permitted much study of the starry heavens, "here is the moon
come, and brought a sight of little babies with her!"
THE HAPPIEST OF VOWELS.--351.
One of the neatest and latest conundrums is as follows:--"Why is i the
happiest of vowels? Because it is in the midst of bliss; e is in hell,
and all the others in purgatory."
A TOUGH YANKEE.--352.
A friend writes of a Yankee boasting an inveterate hatred of
everything British, living in a neighbouring city with a colonist
family. He takes every opportunity to have a slap at Brother Bull, and
the colonist does what he can to defend the venerable gentleman. "You
are arguing," said the colonist, "against your ancestors." "No, I'm
not." "Who was your father?" "A Yankee." "Who were your forefathers?"
"Yankees." "Who were Adam and Eve?" "Yankees, by thunder!"
USED TO IT.--353.
Major N----, upon being asked if he was seriously hurt at the bursting
of a boiler on a steamboat, replied that he was not, as he had been
blowed up so many times by his wife that a mere steamboat explosion
had no effect upon him whatever.
QUOTING HIS FATHER.--354.
A broker, whose mind was always full of quotations, was asked a few
days since how old his father was. "Well," said he, abstractedly, "he
is quoted at eighty, but there is every prospect he will reach par,
and possibly be at a premium."
WHY THE WAR GOES ON.--355.
The soldiers at Helena, in Arkansas, used to amuse the inhabitants of
that place, on their first arrival, by telling them yarns, of which
the following is a sample:--"Some time ago Jeff Davis got tired of the
war, and invited President Lincoln to meet him on neutral ground to
discuss the terms of peace. They met accordingly, and, after a talk,
concluded to settle the war by dividing the territory and stopping the
fighting. The North took the Northern States, and the South the Gulf
and sea-board Southern States. Lincoln took Texas and Missouri, and
Davis Kentucky and Tennessee; so that all were parcelled off excepting
Arkansas. Lincoln didn't want it--Jeff wouldn't have it. Neither would
consent to take it, and on that they split; and the war has been going
on ever since."
WHAT U. S. STANDS FOR.--356.
The _New York Herald_ puts forward General Grant as Democratic
candidate for the Presidency, on the ground that U. S. stands
for--Ulysses S. Grant, Union Sustaining Grant, Unconditional Surrender
Grant, Uncle Sam Grant, United States Grant, Unparalleled Success
Grant, Unabridged Seizure Grant, Union Saver Grant, Undeniable
Superior Grant, Unflinching Surmounter Grant, Undaunted Soldier Grant,
Understanding Secession Grant, Use Sambo Grant, Unshackle Slave
Grant, Ultimate Subjugation Grant, Uncommon Smart Grant, Unequalled
Smasher Grant, Utterly Solid Grant, Utmost Safety Grant, Unrivalled
System Grant, Unexceptionably Scientific Grant, Undertake Sure Grant,
Unbounded Spunk Grant, Universal Sanitive Grant, Unadulterated
Saltpetre Grant, Uniform Succeeder Grant, Undisputed Sagacity Grant,
Unabated Siege Grant, Unbending Super-excellence Grant, Unexampled
Skill Grant, Undoubtedly Spunky Grant, Unprecedented Sardine
Grant; and, what is best of all, he belongs to US, and will be the
Unanimously Selected Grant for the next Presidency.
A WISE FOOL.--357.
A man brought before a justice of the peace in Vermont, charged with
some petty offence, pleaded in extenuation a natural infirmity. "I
should have made a considerable figure in the world, judge," he said,
"if I hadn't been a fool; it's a dreadful pull back to a man."
"OLD BRAINS."--358.
One of the daily papers of New York made an amusing typographical
error in its publication of General Halleck's report of war
operations. The general, who enjoys the _sobriquet_ of "Old Brains,"
wrote in depreciation of the immense cost of army transportation,
and made out a case for himself by saying that "our trains have been
materially reduced during the year." Imagine his disgust when he found
the boast printed "our _brains_ have been materially reduced!" Artemus
Ward might add: "N.B.--This is sarkasm."
THE GOVERNOR AND THE JUSTICE.--359.
William Penn and Thomas Story once sheltered themselves from a shower
of rain in a tobacco house, the owner of which said to them: "You
enter here without leave; do you know who I am? I am a justice of the
peace." To which Story replied: "My friend here makes such things as
thee; he is Governor of Pennsylvania."
AN ENTHUSIASTIC NEWSVENDOR.--360.
An amusing incident occurred one day in front of General Turner's
lines. A sergeant stepped out from our rifle-pits, and moved towards
the enemy, waving a late paper, regardless of the probability that
he would at any moment be shot. A rebel officer shouted to him to go
back, but the sergeant was unmindful of the warning, and asked, "Won't
you exchange newspapers?" "No," said the rebel, "I have no paper, I
want you to go back." With singular persistence the sergeant continued
to advance, saying, "Well, if you haint a paper, I reckon some of
your men have, and I want to exchange, I tell you." "My men have not
got anything of the kind, and you must go back," said the officer in
a louder tone, and with great emphasis. Nothing daunted, the Yankee
sergeant still advanced, until he stood plumply before the indignant
officer, and said, "I tell ye now you needn't get your dander up. I
don't mean no harm no way. P'raps if ye aint got no newspapers ye
might give me suthin else. Maybe your men would like some coffee
for some tobacco. I'm dreadful anxious for a trade." The astonished
officer could only repeat his command, "Go back, you rascal, or
I'll take you prisoner. I tell you we have nothing to exchange, and
we don't want anything to do with you Yankees." The sergeant said
ruefully, "Well, then, if you haint got nothin', why, here's the paper
any way, and if you get one from Richmond this afternoon you can send
it over. You'll find my name thar on that." The man's impudence or
the officer's eagerness for news made him accept. He took the paper,
and asked the sergeant what was the news from Petersburg. "Oh, our
folks say we can go in there just when we want to, but we are willing
to gobble all you fellows first," was the reply. "Well, I don't know
but what you can do it!" said the lieutenant, turning on his heel and
re-entering his rifle-pits; "meanwhile, my man, you had better go
back." This time the sergeant obeyed the oft-repeated order, and, on
telling his adventure, was the hero of the morning among his comrades.
PROFITLESS PREACHING.--361.
The hat was passed round in a certain congregation in New York for
the purpose of taking up a collection. After it had made the circuit
of the church it was handed to the minister, who, by the way had
"exchanged pulpits" with the regular preacher, and he found not a cent
in it. He inverted his hat over the pulpit cushion, and shook it, that
its emptiness might be known; then looking towards the ceiling, he
exclaimed, with great fervour, "I thank Heaven that I got back my hat
from this congregation."
NOT FOR WANT.--362.
An Irishman being asked why he left his country for America, replied,
"It wasn't for want; I had plenty of that at home."
SAM SLICK ON HAPPINESS.--363.
It takes a great deal to make happiness, for everything must be in
time, like a piano; but it takes very little to spoil it. Fancy
a bride, now, having a toothache, or a swelled face during the
honeymoon. In courtship she won't show, but in marriage she can't help
it.
A LAGGING COMPLIMENT.--364.
An American editor once, in attempting to compliment General Pillow
as a "battle-scarred veteran," was made by the typos to call him a
"battle-scared veteran." In the next issue the mistake was so far
corrected as to style him a "bottle-scarred veteran."
WEDLOCK FIRST INSTITUTED.--365.
Wedlock was first instituted in Paradise. Well, there must have been a
charming climate there. It could not have been too hot, for Eve never
used a parasol, or even a "kiss-me-quick;" and Adam never complained,
though he wore no clothes, that the sun blistered his skin. It could
not have been wet, or they would have coughed all the time, like
consumptive sheep; and it would have spoiled their garden, let alone
giving them the chilblains and the snuffles. They didn't require
umbrellas, uglies, fans, or india-rubber shoes. There was no such a
thing as a stroke of the sun, or a snow-drift there. The temperature
must have been perfect, and connubial bliss I allot was rael jam up.
The only thing that seemed wanting there was for some one to drop in
to tea now and then, for Eve to have a good chat with, while Adam was
a studyin' astronomy, or tryin' to invent a kettle that would stand
fire; for women do like talking, that's a fact, and there are many
little things they have to say to each other that no man has any right
to hear, and if he did he couldn't understand.--_Sam Slick._
A STRIKING LESSON.--366.
A canal boat was once passing through a narrow lock on the Erie line,
and the captain hailed the passengers and said, "Look out!" Well,
a Frenchman thinking something strange was to be seen, popped his
head out, and it was cut off in a minute. "Oh, _mon Dieu_!" said his
comrade, "dat is a very _striking_ lesson in English. On land look out
means open the window, and see what you will see. On board canal boat
it means have your head in, and don't look at nothin."--_Sam Slick._
A DISINTERESTED LIEUTENANT.--367.
"Feller sogers," said a newly-elected lieutenant of the militia, "I
am all-fired obliged to you for this shove-up in the ranks you have
given me. Feller sogers, I'm not going to forget your kindness soon,
not by a darned sight; and I'll tell you what it is, I'll stick to my
post like pitch to a pine-board, so long as ther's peace; but as I go
in for rotation in office, and if we should come to blows with the
British, darned if I don't resign right off, and give every feller a
fair shake for fame and glory."
CLAIMING AND TAKING EXEMPTION.--368.
THE _Steuben Courier_ says that a man walked forty miles to claim
exemption from the war-draft, on the ground of inability to stand
long marches and the hardships of camp life.--A man named Jefferson
Davis was drafted in New Bedford on Tuesday last. We hope that he
may be able to go, and be in at the death of his illustrious rebel
namesake.--Seven of the waiters in one of the popular hotels of Boston
were the victims of the draft, but the next morning after their names
had been drawn from the wheel of the Provost-Marshal, they had all
skedaddled to parts unknown, and have not been heard of since.--There
were two Mike Sullivans, the _Boston Herald_ says, living at Fort
Hill, and neither had any other distinction. One of them was drafted,
but which of them neither could tell, nor any one else. One of them
was called upon by a friend, who inquired if he was the Michael
Sullivan who had been drafted. "Yes," said Mike, "I suppose I am."
"Are you sure of that, now?" exclaimed Mike's friend. "How the
divil do you know but you axe the other Mike Sullivan?"--A laughable
circumstance took place in the Fourteenth Ward, Philadelphia, during
the drafting. Everything was going on quietly, and good humour
appeared to be depicted upon every countenance. Among the many
hundreds that were there was a pale-faced son of the Emerald Isle,
gazing on the wheel, and at every revolution gasping for breath. Of a
sudden, losing all control of himself, he burst out: "Wherl it round!
wherl it round!--rouse it, will ye!" "What's the matter with you?"
said the Provost-Marshal. "Oh, be jabers, turn it round a dozen times,
for that man you drawed last is my next door neighbour."
GREAT SCARCITY.--369.
Speaking of the great scarcity of provisions down South, a Northern
paper says--"Tea is so scarce in the South that they haven't even
drawings of it, and there are no grounds for supposing that they have
any coffee."
THE CAPTAIN'S PUDDING.--370.
The following story is told of a Yankee captain and his
mate:--Whenever there was a plum-pudding made, by the captain's
orders, all the plums were put into one end of it, and that end placed
next to the captain, who, after helping himself, passed it to the
mate, who never found any plums in his part of it. After this game
had been played for some time, the mate prevailed on the steward
to place the end which had no plums in it next to the captain. The
captain no sooner perceived that the pudding had the wrong end turned
towards him, than picking up the dish, and turning it round, as if
to examine the china, he said: "This dish cost me two shillings in
Liverpool;" and put it down, as if without design, with the plum
end next to himself. "Is it possible?" said the mate, taking up the
dish. "I shouldn't suppose it was worth more than a shilling." And,
as if in perfect innocence, he put down the dish with the plums next
to himself. The captain looked at the mate; the mate looked at the
captain. The captain laughed; the mate laughed. "I tell you what,
young one," said the captain, "you've found me out, so we will just
cut the pudding lengthwise this time, and have the plums fairly
distributed hereafter."
SALARY NOT SO MUCH AN OBJECT, ETC.--371.
Minister used to amuse me beyond anything, poor old soul. Once the
congregation met, and raised his wages from three to four hundred
dollars a-year. Well, it nearly set him crazy; it bothered him so he
could hardly sleep. So, after church was over the next Sunday, he
said, "My dear brethren, I hear you have raised my salary to four
hundred dollars. I am greatly obliged to you for your kindness, but I
can't think of taking it on no account. First, you can't afford it,
no how you can fix it, and I know it. Secondly, I ain't worth it, and
you know it; and, thirdly, I am nearly tired to death collecting my
present income. If I have to dun the same way for that it will kill
me. I can't stand it; I shall die. No, no, pay me what you allow me
more punctually, and it is all I ask, or will ever receive."--_Sam
Slick._
ARTEMUS WARD TO THE PRINCE OF WALES.--372.
"Friend Wales,--You remember me. I saw you in Canada a few years
ago. I remember you, too. I seldim forgit a person. I hearn of
your marriage to the Princess Alexandry, & ment ter writ you a
congreetoolatory letter at the time, but I've bin bilding a barn this
summer, & hain't had no time to write letters to folks. Excoos me. We
hain't got any daily paper in our town, but we've got a female sewin
circle, which answers the same purpuss. Numeris changes has tooken
place since we met in the body politic. The body politic, in fack, is
sick. I sumtimes think it has got biles, friend Wales. In my country
we've got a war, while your country manetanes a nootral position! Yes,
sir, we've got a war, and the troo Patrit has to make sacrifisses.
I have alreddy given two cousins to the war, and I stand reddy to
sacrifiss my wife's brother rather'n not see the rebelyin krusht.
And if wuss cums to wuss I'll shed ev'ry drop of blud my able-bodied
relatiens has got to prosekoot the war. I think somebody oughter be
prosekooted, & it may as well be the war as anybody else. My object
in now addressin' you is to give you sum adwice, friend Wales, about
managin' your wife, a bizness I've had over thirty years' experience
in. You had a good weddin. The papers hav a good deal to say about
'vikins' in connection tharewith. Not knowing what that air, and so
I frankly tells you, my noble lord dook, I can't 'zactly say whether
we had 'em or not. We was both very much flustrated. But I never
enjoyed myself better in my life. Dowtless, your supper was ahead of
our'n. As regards eatin' uses Baldinsville was allers shaky. But you
can git a good meal in New York, and cheap, too. You can git half a
mackrill at Delmonico's or Mr. Mason Dory's, for six dollars, and a
biled pertaters throwd in. I manidge my wife without any particler
trouble. When I fust commenst trainin' her I institooted a series of
experiments, and them as didn't work I abanding'd. You had better do
similer. There's varis ways of managin' a wife, friend Wales, but the
best and only safe way is to let her do jist about as she wants to.
I 'dopted that there plan sum time ago, and it works like a charm.
Remember me kindly to Mrs. Wales. As yehrs roll by, and accidents
begin to happen to you--and your responsibilities increase--you will
agree with me that family joys air the only ones a man can bet on
with any certinty of winnin'. It may interest you to know that I'm
prosperin' in a pecoonery pint of view. I make 'bout as much in the
course of a year as a Cab'net offisser does, and I understan' my
bizness a good deal better than sum of 'em do. Respects to St. Gorge
and the Dragon.--'Ever be happy.'"
"ARTEMUS WARD."
PROVIDING FOR BILLS.--373.
Two city merchants conversing upon business at the door of the New
York Coffee-house, one of them made some remarks on the badness of the
times; and perceiving at the moment a flight of pigeons passing over
their heads, he exclaimed, "How happy are those pigeons! they have
no acceptances to provide for." To which the other replied, "You are
rather in error, my friend, for _they_ have their _bills to provide
for_ as well as we!"
GENERAL LEE AND A SON OF ERIN.--374.
When General Lee was a prisoner at Albany he dined with an Irishman.
Before entering upon the wine, the general remarked to his host, that
after drinking he was apt to abuse Irishmen, for which he hoped the
host would excuse him in advance. "By my soul, general, I will do
that," said his host, "if you will excuse a trifling fault which I
have myself. It is this: whenever I hear a man abusing old Ireland, I
have a sad fault of cracking his head with my shillaly!" The general
was civil during the rest of the evening.
THE NIAGARA FALLS FROM FOUR POINTS OF VIEW.--375.
Mr. G. A. Sala, describing the Niagara Falls, says:--"A Swiss
watchmaker observed that he was very glad 'de beautiful ting was
going.' He looked upon it as some kind of clockwork arrangement, which
would run down and be wound up again. Everybody knows the story of the
'cute Yankee who called it 'an almighty water privilege.' It is one,
and would turn all the mill-wheels in the world. 'Here creation's done
its d--dest,' remarked another; and, quoth a fourth, 'I guess this
hyar suckles the ocean sea considerable.'"
LOGIC OF CONGRESS.--376.
The House of Representatives at Washington has passed, by a majority
of seven to one, a resolution which, after stating the existence of
rebellion, runs thus:--"Resolved, that it is the political, civil,
moral, and sacred duty of the poople to meet it, fight it, and for
ever destroy it, thereby establishing perfect and unalterable liberty."
COLT'S ARMS _versus_ COLT'S LEGS.--377.
Colt's arms are useful when you want to fight, but if you want to run
away, colt's legs are better.
INFANTILE IDEAS OF DISTANCE.--378.
A happy comment on the annihilation of time and space by locomotive
agency was made by a little child who rode fifty miles in a railway
train, and then took a coach to her uncle's house, some five miles
further, and was asked on her arrival if she came by the cars. "We
came a little way in the cars, and all the rest of the way in a
carriage."
"DAT'S DE MYSTERY."--379.
Two darkies had bought a mess of pork in partnership, but Sam having
no place to put his portion in, consented to trust the whole to
Julius' keeping. The next morning they met, when Sam says--"Good
mornin', Julius, anything happen strange or mysterious down in your
vicinity lately?" "Yaas, Sam, most a strange thing happen at my house
yesterlast night--all mystery, all mystery to me." "Ah, Julius, what
was dat?" "Well, Sam, I tole you now. Dis morning I went down into the
cellar for to get a piece of hog for dis darky's breakfast, and I put
my hand down in de brine and felt all round, but no pork dere--all
gone. Codn't tell what bewent with it, so I turned up de bar'l, and
Sam, true as preachin', de rats had eat a hole clar froo de bottom
of de bar'l, and dragged de pork all out!" Sam was petrified with
astonishment, but presently said--"Why didn't de brine run out of the
same hole?" "Ah, Sam, dat's de mystery."
OUR BOB.--380.
Judge S---- had a very wild son, named Bob, who was constantly
on a spree, and upon being brought up once before the court for
drunkenness, the judge cried out--"Is that _our_ Bob?" _Clerk_: "Yes,
sir." _Judge_: "Fine the rascal two dollars and costs; I'd make it ten
dollars, if I didn't know it would come out of my own pocket."
SAMBO'S SUSPICION.--381.
A gentleman who holds a responsible position under Government
concluded to change his lodgings. He sent one of the waiters of the
hotel where he had selected apartments after his baggage. Meeting the
waiter an hour or two afterwards, he said--"Well, Sambo, did you bring
my baggage down?" "No, sah!" blandly responded the sable gentleman.
"Why, what was the reason?" "Case, sah, the gentleman in de office
said you had not paid your bill." "Not paid my bill! why, that's
singular--he knew me very well when he kept the Girard House, in
Philadelphia." "Well, mebbe," rejoined Sambo, thoughtfully scratching
his head, "_dat was de reason he wouldn't gib me de baggage_."
WHERE THE DUCKS WENT.--382.
A man was brought into one of the New York courts on the charge
of having stolen some ducks from a farmer. "How do you know they
are your ducks?" asked the defendant's counsel. "Oh! I should know
them _anywhere_," said the farmer, who proceeded to describe their
peculiarities. "Why," said the prisoner's counsel, "those ducks can't
be such a rare breed--I have some very much like them in my yard."
"That's not unlikely, sir," said the farmer, "they are not the only
ducks I've had stolen lately." Call the next witness.
NO PLACE LIKE HOME.--383.
A young man, rather verdant, and very sentimental, while making
himself interesting to a young lady the other evening by quoting from
the poets, to the other choice and rare extracts he added, "There is
no place like home." "Do you really think so?" said the young lady.
"Oh, yes!" was the reply. "Then," said calico, "why don't you stay
there?"
DAMAGING THE ENGINE.--384.
A man was sitting on the track of the New London road, when the train
came along and pitched him head over heels into the bushes. The train
stopped and backed to pick up the body, when the man coolly informed
the conductor, as he brushed the dirt from his coat sleeves, that if
he "had damaged the engine any he was ready to settle for it," and
walked off home.
A QUAKER WOMAN'S SERMON.--385.
My dear friends, there are three things I very much wonder at. The
first is, that children should be so foolish as to throw up stones,
clubs, and brickbats into fruit-trees, to knock down fruit; if they
would let it alone it would fall itself. The second is, that men
should be so foolish, and even so wicked, as to go to war and kill
each other; if let alone they would die themselves. And the third, and
last, thing that I wonder at is, that young men should be so unwise
as to go after the young women; if they would stay at home the young
women would come after them.
A DELICATE CUT.--386.
A couple of Albany ecclesiastics were at Saratoga at the time of the
annual races, which were under the management of Morrissey, the
famous prize-fighter, gamester, &c. Parson M----, a Baptist clergyman,
and Father C----, a Catholic priest, are both jolly fellows in an
innocent way, and, despite their difference of creed, remarkably good
friends. Meeting each other, M---- said jocosely, as he approached the
other, "Ah! I understand it, you have come to attend the races!" and
added, "Do you know Morrissey?" "No," said Father C----, "and I beg
you won't introduce me."
NOVEL TELEGRAPHIC MESSAGE.--387.
The following telegraphic message was sent from an Albany office:--"To
---- Third Epistle of John, 13th and 14th verses. Signed ----."
The text referred to is as follows, and makes quite a lengthy and
understandable letter:--"I had many things to write, but I will not
with ink and pen write to thee. But I trust I shall shortly see thee,
and we shall speak face to face. Peace be to thee. Our friends salute
thee. Greet the friends by name."
BREAKFAST IN BED.--388.
A new way of keeping warm has been put in practice with good effect.
It is to have a buckwheat cake made large enough to cover the
bed-quilt, and spread over it "piping hot" at the time of retiring.
When made of sufficient thickness it retains the heat until morning,
and if a person is too lazy to get up, he can make a very good
breakfast off the edges as he lies.
SHEDDING THEIR LAST DROP OF BLOOD.--389.
"General," said Major Jack Downing, "I always observed that those
persons who have a great deal to say about being ready to shed their
last drop of blood, are amazin' pertic'lar about the first drop." We
have too many of that style of patriots now-a-days.
POINTED RETORT.--390.
A politician was boasting in a public speech that he could bring an
argument to a p'int as quick as any other man. "You can bring a quart
to a pint a good deal quicker," replied an acquaintance.
THE LETTER R.--391.
The letter R is the embodiment of every American patriot's hope,
because it is the end of war and the commencement of reunion.
NOT WILLING TO DIE.--392.
A Jersey man was very sick, and was not expected to recover. His
friends got around his bed, and one of them says: "John do you
feel willing to die?" John made an effort to give his views on the
subject, and answered with his feeble voice: "I--think--I'd rather
stay--where--I'm better acquainted."
HER POOR JERRY.--393.
An old woman received a letter from the post-office, at New York. Not
knowing how to read, and being anxious to know the contents, supposing
it to be from one of her absent sons, she called on a person near to
read the letter to her. He accordingly began and read--"Charleston,
June 23: Dear mother," then making a stop to find out what followed
(as the writing was rather bad), the old lady exclaimed: "_Oh, 'tis my
poor Jerry, he always stuttered!_"
TALL TALK.--394.
A Kentuckian was once asked what he considered the boundaries of the
United States. "The boundaries of our country, sir?" he replied. "Why,
sir, on the north we are bounded by the Aurora Borealis, on the east
we are bounded by the rising sun, on the south we are bounded by the
procession of the Equinoxes, and on the west by the Day of Judgment."
AN EYE TO BUSINESS.--395.
The Southerners are, of course, not nearly so commercial a race as
the Yankees, but still they are much given to "trading" amongst each
other. At an hospital in Gettysburg, an artilleryman, whose leg was to
be taken off, no sooner knew that the amputation was decided upon by
the doctors, than he turned to another wounded man in the next bed,
and, before the operation was performed, had "traded" the boot, which
was henceforth to be of no use to him.
WHAT A FINE WOMAN IS LIKE.--396.
A fine woman is like a locomotive, because she draws a train after
her, scatters the sparks, and transports the males. If there is any
one of our hundred thousand readers has anything that can beat the
above we will be pleased to hear from him.
TRUTH WANTED.--397.
Two years ago, at the Spring Term of the District Court at Topeka,
Kansas, Judge Rush Elmore presiding, a witness was called upon the
stand. After being sworn, the counsel for the defence said to the
witness--a tall, green specimen, and somewhat embarrassed--"Now, sir,
stand up and tell your story like a preacher." "No, _sir_!" roared
the judge, "none of that; I want you to tell the _truth_!" Just
imagine the sheriff, deputies, and bailiffs trying to keep "order" and
"silence."
AN IRISH BULL AT BULL'S RUN.--398.
An Irishman, who was at the celebrated battle of Bull's Run, was
somewhat startled when the head of his companion on the left was taken
off by a cannon-ball. In a few minutes, however, a spent ball broke
off the finger of his comrade on the other side. The latter threw
down his gun and howled with pain, when the Irishman rushed upon him,
exclaiming, "You owld woman, sthop cryin'! You are making more noise
about it than the man who just lost his head!"
STRONG INDUCEMENT TO CLOSE UP.--399.
A Cincinnati paper, in speaking of the overthrow of the rebels at
Phillippi, says that just before the Federal troops entered the town,
a certain Indiana company, almost worn out with the march, were
straggling along with very little regard to order. Hurrying up to his
men, the captain shouted, "Close up, close up. _If the enemy were to
fire when you're straggling along that way, they couldn't hit a cussed
one of you!_ Close up!" And the boys closed up immediately.
STEAM DEFINED.--400.
At a railway station, an old lady said to a very pompous-looking
gentleman, who was talking about steam communication: "Pray, sir,
what is steam?" "Steam, ma'am, is ah!--steam, is ah! ah! steam
is--steam!" "I knew that chap couldn't tell ye," said a rough-looking
fellow standing by; "but steam is a bucket of water in a tremendous
perspiration."
A "BUS" IN THE CARS.--401.
Friends are in the habit of warmly greeting their acquaintances upon
the arrival of passenger cars at some of the railway stations. It
was only the other day that a young gentleman rushed through a crowd
towards a lady, seized her hand, and gave her a hearty kiss, the smack
of which sounded above--we were going to say the ding of dongs; but it
is enough to state that the report startled a country lass hard by,
who exclaimed to her "feller," "Massy, Josh! what on airth's gev way
on the keers?"
HOUSEHOLD WORDS.--402.
Pshaw! Stop your noise! Shut up this minute! I'll box your ears! You
hold your tongue! Let me be! Go away! Get out! Behave yourself! I
won't! You shall! Never mind! You'll catch it! Don't bother! Come here
directly! Put away those things! You'll kill yourself! I don't care!
They're mine! Mind your own business! I'll tell ma! You mean thing!
There, I told you so! You didn't! You did! I will have it! Oh, see
what you have done! 'Twas you! Won't you catch it, though? It's my
house! Who's afraid of you? Mah-h-h! Boo, hoo, boo, hoo, oo! What's
the matter? Clear out of this room, directly! Do you hear me? Dear me!
I never did see in all my born days! It's enough to set one crazy!
Would you put a tuck in it? Well, says I! Says he! Says she! Says
they! Bless me! No! Hem it all this way round! Three flounces! Gored!
Worked crosswise! Trimmed with velvet! Ten yards? Cut bias! Real
sweet! Tut! Wal, now!
HIS REASONS FOR LEAVING.--403.
On our trip up the river once we had on board a tall, gaunt-looking
volunteer. His appearance not only indicated that he was lately from
the hospital, but that it would perhaps have been better for him to
have remained there still, for he certainly did not seem to be in a
fit condition to travel. He was from Eastern Ohio, and by some strange
whim of his comrades (soldiers have odd notions as to name), he had
won the cognomen of "Beauregard." He was full of dry humour, and it
had a peculiar zest, coming from such a dilapidated specimen of the
human kind. I asked him: "How long were you in the hospital at ----?"
"I stayed just five days; I couldn't stand it any longer." "Why so?
Were you not well treated?" "Well, you see, when I went in there were
six patients. The first day they buried one." "Well, what of that?"
"Nothing--only the very next day they buried another." "They must have
been severe cases, and made it very unpleasant for you." "Unpleasant!
I knew my turn would come in time. I went in on Monday, and if I
stayed I would be carried out on Saturday. So I made my calculation,
and on Friday I packed my knapsack and went away. If I had not, I'd
surely been buried on Saturday. Six days--one man each day--could't
stand that."
YOUR FARE, MISS.--404.
The most veracious chroniclers of Chicago relate the experience of a
young lady from the rural districts of Hoosierdom, who visited the
Queen City of the West, accompanied by her particular swain, and took
an appreciative view of the "elephant." Getting into one of the city
cars for a ride, the maiden took a seat, while the lover planted
himself on the platform. The graceful vehicle had sped but a few
short blocks, when the beneficent young conductor insinuated himself
into the popular chariot, for the purpose of collecting expenses.
Approaching the rustic maiden, he said, affably, "Your fare, miss."
The Hoosier rosebud allowed a delicate pink to manifest itself on
her cheeks, and looked down in soft confusion. The justly popular
conductor was rather astonished at this, and ventured to remark once
more--"Your fare, miss." This time the pink deepened to carnation,
and the maiden fingered her parasol with pretty coquettishness. The
conductor really didn't know what to make of this sort of thing, and
began to look a little foolish; but as a small boy at the other end
of the car began to show signs of a disposition to leave without
paying for his ride, the official managed to say once more--"Hem!
miss, your fare." In a moment those lovely violet eyes were looking
up into his face, through an aurora of blushes, and the rosy lips
exclaimed--"Well, they dew say I am good-looking at hum, but I
don't see why you want to say it out loud!" It was not a peal of
thunder that shook the car just then. Oh, no. It was something that
commenced in a general passengerical titter, and culminating in such
a shattering guffaw as Western lungs alone are capable of. In the
midst of the cachinnatory tempest the "lovyer" came to the rescue of
his Doxiana; and when the "pint of the hull thing" was explained to
him, his mouth expanded to proportions that might have made Barnum's
hippopotamus die of jealousy on the spot. The pair descended from
the car amid a salvo of Mirth's artillery, and when last seen were
purchasing artificial sweetness at a candy-shop.
AGREEING WITH ALL THE GIRLS.--405.
In a lesson in parsing the sentence, "man, courting capacity of bliss,
etc.," the word courting comes to a pert young miss of fourteen to
parse. She commenced hesitatingly, but got along well enough until
she was to tell what it agreed with. Here she stopped short. But
as the teacher said, "Very well, what does courting agree with?"
Ellen blushed, and hung down her head. "Ellen, don't you know what
that agrees with?" "Ye--ye--yes, sir!" "Well, Ellen, why don't you
parse that word? What does it agree with?" Blushing still more, and
stammering, Ellen says, "It a-agrees with _all the girls_, sir!"
WHEN THE BOAT STARTED.--406.
A certain green customer, who was a stranger to mirrors, and who
stepped into the cabin of one of our ocean steamers, stopping in front
of a large pier glass, which he took for a door, said--"I say, mister,
when does this here boat start?" Getting no reply from the dumb
reflection before him, he again repeated--"I say, mister, when does
this here boat start?" Incensed at the still silent figure, he broke
out--"You sassafras-coloured, shock-headed bull calf, you don't look
as if you knew much anyhow."
THE BLIND PHRENOLOGIST OF ST. LOUIS.--407.
There is a blind phrenologist in St. Louis who is great on examining
bumps. A wag or two got one of the distinguished judges, who thinks a
great deal of himself, and has a very bald head, which he generally
covers with a wig, to go to his rooms one day, and have his head
examined. Wags and judge arrive. "Mr. B.," said one, "we have now
brought you for examination a head as is a head; we wish to test your
science." "Very well," said the phrenologist, "place the head under
my hand." "He wears a wig," said one. "Can't examine with that on,"
replied the professor. Wig was accordingly taken off, and the bald
head of the highly-expectant judge was placed under manipulation of
the examiner. "What's this? what this?" said the phrenologist; and
pressing his hand on the top of the head, he said, somewhat ruffled,
"Gentlemen, Heaven has visited me with affliction--I have lost my
eyesight--but I am no fool; _you can't pass this off on me for a
head_!"
CHASING A LOCOMOTIVE.--408.
A friend who lately indulged in a chase after a locomotive declares it
"the silliest thing a sane man can do." This is his account:--"Rushing
out from the refreshment-room on the platform, I saw my train moving
off 'gradually,' with about seventy-five yards the start. I have
been counted a good runner in my time, and for the first hundred
yards I gained on it. Then for about a quarter of a mile it was
'nip and tuck,' at the end of which I concluded that steam was more
than a match for muscle, and 'caved.' The last I saw of my train it
was 'going it' around a curve at the rate of twenty-five miles an
hour, the passengers waving their handkerchiefs at me, and cheering
vociferously. As I walked sheepishly back to the dépôt, a thought came
into my head that it _might_ run off the track in going round the
curve at that rate of speed, and I am afraid that I rather encouraged
the idea."
THE LATEST WAY.--409.
The latest way to pop the question is to ask a fair lady if you can
have the pleasure of seeing her to the minister's.
A GREAT TRAVELLER.--410.
A good story is told of a Washington countryman, who, on his way to
Cincinnati, became somewhat elevated by sundry "drinks," but, as good
luck would have it, found a boat at the wharf, and was quickly on his
way. Soon after leaving the wharf, a man came round for his fare.
Horrall handed him out a five-dollar bill, and received four dollars
and ninety-five cents in change. He rammed it into his pocket-book
with great eagerness, supposing the clerk had made a mistake. That
done, he leaned back into his chair and fell asleep. A little while
and he was plucked awake by the same man, who again demanded fare.
"Discovered the mistake," holding out a handful of change. The man,
as before, took only five cents, and Horrall again went into a doze.
Ere he had got fairly into dreaming of home and friends far away,
around came the collector again, and thus it went on for a long time.
At last Horrall thought it very inconvenient, and concluded to vote
the collector a nuisance, and give him a bit of advice besides; so
he said: "Is (hic) this a da-n-ger (hic) ous (hic) bo-boat?" "By no
means," said the man. "Bran new." "Then, by gummy, (hic) why do (hic)
don't you collect all the fa (hic) hair at once--not bo-bother a fel
(hic) heller for it every mile as it comes due?" "Really," said the
man, "where do you think you are going?" "Cincin (hic) hinnati," said
Horrall. "Cincinnati," said the polite conductor, "why you must be
sadly out of your reckoning. This is the ferry-boat, and all this
afternoon you have been riding to and fro between New Albany and
Portland."
WHOSE FAULT WAS IT?--411.
A preacher stopped short in a pulpit; it was in vain that he scratched
his head--nothing would come out. "My friends," said he, as he walked
quietly down the pulpit stairs, "my friends, I pity you, for you have
lost a fine discourse."
A MODEST LINENDRAPER.--412.
A dealer in ready-made linen advertises his shirts and chemisettes
under the mellifluous appellation of "Male and Female Envelopes."
GONE HOME.--413.
One of the Richmond papers thus pleasantly announces the death of a
newspaper man in the Libby prison:--"A Yankee reporter gone home to
write up his reports by the fire."
AN INCIDENT AND AN EPIGRAM.--414.
It chanced one evening, at one of the great hotels, that a gentleman,
seeking in vain for a candle with which to light himself to his room
at a late hour, passed a young lady who had two candles, of which she
politely offered him one. He took it and thanked her, and the next
morning acknowledged the courtesy in the following epigram. Luckily
for the poet (for his epigram would otherwise have been pointless),
the young lady was as handsome as she was polite:--
"You gave me a candle: I give you my thanks,
And add--as a compliment justly your due--
There isn't a girl in these feminine ranks
Who could, if she tried, hold a candle to you!"
JUST GOT MARRIED.--415.
The following amusing incident took place upon one of the Ohio river
steamboats:--While the boat was lying at Cincinnati, just ready to
start for Louisville, a young man came on board, leading a blushing
damsel by the hand, and approaching the polite clerk, in a suppressed
voice; "I say," he exclaimed, "me and my wife have just got married,
and I'm looking for accommodations." "Looking for a berth?" hastily
inquired the clerk--passing tickets out to another passenger. "A
_birth_! thunder and lightning, no!" gasped the astonished man; "_we
ha'nt but just got married_; we want a place to stay all night, you
know, and--and a bed."
KIND AND SYMPATHETIC.--416.
"What is the matter, my dear?" asked a wife of her husband, who had
sat half an hour with his face buried in his hands, and apparently
in great tribulation. "Oh, I don't know," said he; "I have felt like
a fool all day." "Well," returned the wife, consolingly, "I'm afraid
you'll never be any better--you look the picture of what you feel!"
HUMAN NATURE.--417.
Some wise man sagely remarked, "there is a good deal of human nature
in man." It crops out occasionally in boys. One of the urchins in the
school-ship _Massachusetts_, who was quite sick, was visited by a kind
lady. The little fellow was suffering acutely, and his visitor asked
him if she could do anything for him. "Yes," replied the patient,
"read to me." "Will you have a story?" asked the lady. "No," answered
the boy; "read from the Bible; read about Lazarus;" and the lady
complied. The next day the visit was repeated, and again the boy asked
the lady to read. "Shall I read from the Bible?" she inquired. "Oh,
no," was the reply, "I'm better to-day; _read me a love story_."
A YOUNG LADY'S SACRIFICE.--418.
A young lady has been heard to declare that she couldn't go to fight
for the country, but she was willing to allow the young men to go,
and die an _old maid_, which she thought was as great a sacrifice as
_anybody_ could be called upon to make!
POETRY AND PROSE.--419.
A country editor, referring to Tupper's line, "A babe in the house is
a well-spring of pleasure," says, "If it is we prefer to get water
from the pump."
DANIEL WEBSTER AND HIS BILLS.--420.
Our readers are aware that the late Hon. Daniel Webster was not so
careful in his pecuniary matters as some men, and this fault was at
times taken advantage of. At one time a man sawed a pile of wood
for him, and, having presented his bill, it was promptly paid by
Mr. Webster. The labourer was taken ill during the winter, and a
neighbour advised him to call upon Mr. Webster for the payment of his
bill. "But he has paid me," said the man. "No matter," replied his
dishonest adviser, "call again with it. He don't know, and don't mind
what he pays. It is a very common thing for him to pay much larger
bills twice." The man got well, and carried in his account the second
time. Mr. Webster looked at it, looked at the man, remembered him, but
paid the bill without demurring. The fellow got "short" some three
of four months afterwards, and bethought him of the generosity and
loose manner of Mr. Webster in his money matters, and a third time
he called and presented the bill for sawing the wood. Mr. Webster
took the account, which he immediately recognized, and, scanning the
wood-sawyer a moment, said: "How do you keep your books, sir?" "I keep
no books" said the man, abashed. "I think you do, sir," continued Mr.
Webster, with marked emphasis; "and you excel those who are satisfied
with the double-entry system. You keep your books upon a triple-entry
plan, I observe." Tearing up the account, Mr. Webster added: "Go, sir,
and be honest hereafter. I have no objection to paying these little
bills twice, but I cannot pay them three times. You may retire." The
man left the room, feeling as though he was suffocating for want of
air. He had learned a lesson that lasted through life.
KEEPING A SECRET.--421.
Of the descendants of the Pilgrims there once lived an old man,
who, unlike nearly all his brethren, had no particular respect for
the clergy. Going his accustomed rounds one day, he met a reverend
gentleman, who, after a few casual remarks on worldly topics, thus
addressed him:--"Mr. Brown, you have lived long; very few attain your
age. Would it not be the part of wisdom to attend to your soul's
concerns immediately? Really, it would rejoice my soul to see you at
the eleventh hour become a praying Christian." "Well, now, Parson
Hoyt, my Bible tells me to pray in secret." "Ah, well--yes--but _do_
you pray in secret?" "Why, now, Parson Hoyt, you know if I should tell
you, 'twouldn't be any secret, anyhow."
MOST TOO SUDDEN.--422.
An old lady, a resident of Providence, who had never ridden in the
cars, was persuaded, by the combined efforts of the children, James
and Mary, to accompany them on an excursion, she all the time saying
that she knew something would happen. She took her seat with fear and
trembling, taking hold of the arm of the seat next the passage-way.
The train was late, as excursion trains are usually, and in coming
round a curve the Boston express train was on the same track, both
nearing each other faster than was pleasant. The momentum of each
train was nearly lost, and they came together with a chuck, which
pitched the old lady on her face in the passage-way between the seats.
She rose to her hands, and, looking back, asked: "_Jeems, do they
allus stop like that?_"
"ANY RELATIONS?"--423.
The man who collects the names of soldiers for the town records of
Adams was recently the questioner in the following conversation, the
lady of the house replying:--"Have you any friends in the war, madam?"
"No, sir." "Any relations?" "No, sir." "Do you know anybody from this
neighbourhood who is in the army?" "No, sir." As he was leaving, a
bright thought struck her, and she rushed to the door, exclaiming:
"Oh, my husband has gone to the war!"
DIDN'T CARE THEN IF HE DID.--424.
A gentleman from Boston chanced to find himself among a little party
of ladies away down East this summer, in the enjoyment of some
innocent social play. He carelessly placed his arm about the slender
waist of as pretty a damsel as Maine can boast of, when she started,
and exclaimed: "Begone, sir; don't insult me!" The gentleman instantly
apologized for his seeming rudeness, and assured the half-offended
fair one that he did not mean to insult her. "No?" she replied,
archly. "Well, if you didn't, you may do it again."
NO JUSTICE IN THAT COURT.--425.
A villanous specimen of humanity was brought into the Police Court
before Justice Cole, of Albany, charged with having brutally
assaulted his wife. The charge was substantiated in the clearest and
most positive manner, and exhibited the most heartless cruelty on the
husband's part. On his examination before the Justice, he had a good
deal to say about "getting justice." "Justice!" exclaimed Squire Cole,
"you can't get it here. This court has no power to hang you!"
SENSATIONS OF A DOWN-EASTER.--426.
It has been truly said that "we reckon the progress of our lives by
sensations, not years," and an anecdote related by a friend very
happily illustrates the truth of the maxim. A young man "down East"
was asked his age; to which he answered--"Wal, I don't know exactly,
but I have had the seven year itch three times."
CHANGES.--427.
A young lady, in a class studying physiology, made answer to a
question put, that in six years a human body became entirely changed,
so that not a particle which was in it at the commencement of the
period would remain at the close of it. "Then, Miss L.," said the
young tutor, "in six years you will cease to be Miss L.?" "Why, yes,
sir, I suppose so," said she, very modestly looking at the floor.
LONGFELLOW AND LONGWORTH.--428.
One of the happiest witticisms on record is related by the Boston
correspondent of the _Cincinnati Gazette_:--"I heard the other day of
a _bon mot_ made by Longfellow, the poet. Young Mr. Longworth, from
your city, being introduced to him, some one present remarked upon the
similarity of the first syllable of the two names. 'Yes,' said the
poet, 'but in this case I fear Pope's line will apply:--
"_Worth_ makes the man, the want of it the _fellow_."'"
NOVEL PROPOSITION.--429.
It is proposed to light the streets of a Western city with red-headed
girls. In noticing the fact, a contemporary says, he'd like to play
tipsy every night, and hang hold of the lamp-posts.
INTERESTING ANNOUNCEMENT.--430.
It is with feelings too deep for utterance, and a sense of obligation
overwhelming, and of worldly consequence never before experienced,
and with a heartfelt ecstacy heretofore not even dreamed of, that the
junior editor of this paper announces to his friends, and the rest of
mankind, that a son was born unto him on the morning of Friday last. A
general reprieve is granted to all political offenders, and an earnest
appeal made to those in pecuniary arrears to liquidate at the earliest
convenience, as the young gentleman must be fed and clothed.
EXCUSE FOR DRINKING.--431.
A lady made her husband a present of a silver drinking cup, with an
angel at the bottom; and when she filled it for him he used to drink
it to the bottom, and she asked him why he drank every drop. "Because,
duckey," he said, "I long to see the dear little angel." Upon which
she had the angel taken out, and had a devil engraved at the bottom;
and he drank it off just the same, and she again asked him the reason.
"Why," replied he, "because I won't leave the old devil a drop."
TIGHT-FISTED.--432.
The account comes to us of a young man who attends church regularly,
and clasps his hands so tight during praying time that he can't get
them open when the contribution box comes round.
EDITORS' WIVES WIELDING THE BROOM.--433.
An editor says his attention was first drawn to matrimony by the
skilful manner in which a pretty girl handled a broom. A brother
editor says the manner in which his wife handles a broom is not so
very pleasing.
THE WRONG WOMAN.--434.
A Jersey man was lately arrested for flogging a woman, and excused the
act by saying he was near-sighted, and thought it was his wife.
A JOKE BY THE PRESIDENT.--435.
"How do you do, Mr. Lincoln?" "Well, that reminds me of a story. As
the labourer said to the bricklayer, after falling through the roof
and rafters of an unfinished house, I have gone through a great deal
since you saw me last."
WISE LAWS--BY SAM SLICK.--436.
If a woman was to put a Bramah lock on her heart, a skilful man would
find his way into it, if he wanted to, I know. That contrivance is set
to a particular word; find the letters that compose it, and it opens
at once.
If a man's sensibility is all in his palate, he can't, of course, have
much in his heart.
I tell you what, President, says I, seein' is believin', but it aint
them that stare the most who see the best always.
Thunderin' long words aint wisdom, and stopping a critter's mouth is
more apt to improve his wind than his onderstandin'.
Swapping facts is better than swapping horses any time.
Providence requires three things of us before it will help us--a stout
heart, a strong arm, and a stiff upper lip.
Hope is a pleasant acquaintance, but an unsafe friend. It'll do on
a pinch for a travellin' companion, but he is not the man for your
banker.
"Don't care" won't bear friendship for fruit, and "don't know, I'm
sure," won't ripen it.
What a pity it is marryin' spoils courtin'.
There's no pinnin' up a woman in a corner, unless she wants to be
caught, that's a fact.
Consait grows as nateral as the hair on one's head, but it's longer in
comin' out.
People have no right to make fools of themselves, unless they have no
relations to blush for them.
It 'aint every change that's a reform, that's a fact, and reforms
'aint always improvements.
Blushin' for others is the next thing to taking a kicking from them.
A DOUBLE DIFFICULTY.--437.
An anti-slavery man says what the Southern Confederacy wants is the
capitol, and what they can't get to take it with is the capital.
WITH A QUILL.--438.
A Mr. Hen has started a new paper in Iowa. He says he hopes by hard
scratching to make a living for himself and his little chickens.
DOUBTFUL.--439.
After asking your name in the State of Arkansas, the natives are in
the habit of saying, in a confidential tone, "Well, now, what war yer
name before yer moved to these parts?"
THE LETTER S.--440.
A writer says the Americans will always have more cause to remember
the S than any other letter in the alphabet, because it is the
beginning of secession, and the end of Jeff. Davis.
NONSENSE ABOUT LOVE.--441.
What nonsense people talk about love, don't they? Sleepness nights,
broken dreams, beatin' hearts, pale faces, a pinin' away to shaders,
fits of absence, loss of appetite, narvous flutterin's, and all that.
I haven't got the symptoms, but I'll swear to the disease. Folks take
this talk, I guess, from poets; and they are miserable, mooney sort of
critters; half mad and whole lazy, who would rather take a day's dream
than a day's work any time, and catch rhymes as niggers catch flies,
to pass time; hearts and darts; cupid and stupid; purlin' streams and
pulin' dreams, and so on. It's all bunkum!--_Sam Slick._
WONDERFUL.--442.
An exchange, recording the fall of a person into the river, says:--"It
is a wonder he escaped with his life." Prentice says: "Wouldn't it
have been a still greater wonder if he had escaped without it?"
HARD UP.--443.
Jersey man (entering a dentist's store): "Air yeou a doctor,
sir?"--Dentist: "Yes. Can I do anything for you?"--Jersey man: "Wall,
no; I guess not in the way of physic. I've jest called to see if yeou
don't want to buy some real, genuine, sound teeth?"--Dentist: "Well,
I might want them; have you many?"--Jersey man: "I calkilate I can't
say I have more'n a few, myself; but our Sal sez she has got some
she'll sell, if I can strike a good bargain."--Dentist, having thought
for some time, names a price, and the countryman consents.--Jersey
man (taking a seat, and coolly spreading himself out): "Wall, I
guess yeou may draw a dozen for the present, and I'll bring Sal
to-morrow."--Dentist (looking aghast): "Why, you don't mean to sell
your own teeth? They're of no use to me."--Jersey man: "Why, look
here, they're no airthly use to Sal and me; for what's the use of
teeth when one's nothing to eat?"
MILITARY TACTICS.--444.
The stratagems resorted to by the soldiers at Cairo, to smuggle liquor
into their quarters, were often amusing. One day a man started out
with his coffee-pot for milk. On his return, an officer suspecting him
to have whisky in his can, wished to examine it, and the man satisfied
him by pouring out milk. At night there was a general drunk in that
soldier's quarters, ending in a fight. It was at last discovered that
the man had put a little milk into the spout of his can, sealing the
inside with bread, and filling the can with whisky.
SETTLING THE WINE BILL.--445.
An officer staying at a hotel in Washington, on asking for his bill
one morning, found that a quart of wine was charged when he had but a
pint. He took exceptions to the item. Landlord was incorrigible: said
there never was any mistake about the wine bills. Officer paid it, and
went to his room to pack his carpet-bag. Having made purchases, his
bag was too full to let in an extra pair of boots. Landlord was sent
for--came. Says the officer, "I can't get these boots into this d----d
bag."--Landlord: "If you can't, I am sure I can't."--Officer: "Yes you
can; for a man who can put a quart of wine into a pint bottle can put
these boots into that bag." Landlord laughed heartily, cancelled the
whole bill, and returned the amount.
SMILES.--446.
What a sight there is in that word--smile; for it changes colour
like a chameleon. There's a vacant smile, a cold smile, a smile of
approbation, a friendly smile; but, above all, a smile of love. A
woman has two smiles that an angel might envy--the smile that accepts
the lover before words are uttered, and the smile that lights on the
first-born baby, and assures him of a mother's love.--_Sam Slick._
FORLORN HOPE.--447.
An old maid, who had her eye a little sideways on matrimony,
says:--"The curse of this war is, that it will make so many widows,
who will be fierce to get married, and who know how to do it. Modest
girls will stand no chance at all."
ARTISTIC EXECUTION.--448.
A man out West, who had a brother hanged, informed his friends in the
East that his "brother on a recent occasion addressed a large public
meeting, and just as he finished, the platform on which he stood gave
way, and he fell and broke his neck."
TALKING MATCH.--449.
A talking match lately came off for five dollars a side. It continued
for thirteen hours, the rivals being a Frenchman and a Kentuckian. The
bystanders and judges were talked to sleep, and when they awoke in the
morning they found the Frenchman dead, and the Kentuckian whispering
in his ear.
KISSING BY PROXY.--450.
One of the deacons of a certain church in Virginia asked the Bishop
if he usually kissed the bride at weddings? "Always," was the reply.
"And how do you manage when the happy pair are negroes?" was the
next question. "In all such cases," replied the Bishop, "the duty of
kissing the lady is appointed to the deacons."
EFFECTIVE REMONSTRANCE.--451.
One of the boys at Camp Noble, Indiana, was put on guard one night,
and reported to his captain in the morning that "He was abused by
a fellow because he would not allow him to pass." "Well," said the
captain, "what did you do?" "Do? why I remonstrated with him." "And to
what effect?" "Well, I don't know to what effect, but the barrel of my
gun is bent."
LATEST DOG STORY.--452.
Two dogs fell to fighting in a saw-mill. In the course of the tustle
one dog went plump against a saw in rapid motion, which cut him in two
instanter. The hind legs ran away, but the fore legs continued the
fight, and whipped the other dog.
A NOTE BY THE EDITOR.--453.
The editor of a Western paper owes a bank about 1000 dollars, for
which they hold his note. The defaulting wag announces it thus
in his paper:--"There is a large collection of the autographs of
distinguished individuals deposited for safe keeping in the cabinet of
the Farmers and Merchants' Bank, each accompanied with a 'note' in the
handwriting of the autographist. We learn that they have cost the bank
a great deal of money. They paid over a thousand dollars of ours. We
hope great care is taken to preserve those capital and _interest_-ing
relics, as, should they be lost, we doubt whether they could be easily
collected again. Should the bank, however, be so unfortunate as to
lose ours, we'll let them have another at half price, in consequence
of the very hard times."
DISCONSOLATE.--454.
A disconsolate widower, seeing the remains of his late wife lowered
into the grave, exclaimed, with tears in his eyes, "Well, I've lost
hogs, and I've lost cows, but I never had anything that cut me up like
this."
INDUCEMENT UNNECESSARY.--455.
They say that woman caused man to commit his first sin. But if she
hadn't induced him to sin in eating, no doubt he would very soon have
sinned of his own accord in drinking.
PRETENCE.--456.
Pretend you know, and half the time, if it aint as good as knowin',
it will sarve the same purpose. Many a feller looks fat who is only
swelled, as the Germans say.--_Sam Slick._
"OPEN THY CUPBOARD TO ME."--457.
All lonely and drear is the street, love;
The "watch" is asleep on his "beat," love,
And I'm dying for something to eat, love;
So open thy cupboard to me.
Get up from that warm feather bed, love,
And bake us a cone of "corn bread," love,
For I wish very much to be fed, love;
So open thy cupboard to me.
Oh, hasten thy lover to cram, love,
With a slice of cold turkey or ham, love,
For deucedly hungry I am, love;
So open thy cupboard to me.
The stars are beginning to "wink," love;
'Tis the hour for "snacks" and for "drink," love.
You've a jug of old whisky, I think, love;
So open thy cupboard to me.
The moon will be down before long, love,
And the "night-bird" is singing his song, love;
How plainly he says "mix it strong," love,
And open thy cupboard to me.
My feet are all wet with the dew, love,
And there's nothing so nice as "hot stew," love:
Then get up and make it, pray do, love,
And open thy cupboard to me.
The chickens are crowing for day, love,
And I must soon hurry away, love;
Then list to thy lover's last lay, love,
And open thy cupboard to me.
NATUR'S BALANCES.--458.
Them that have more than their share of one thing, commonly have less
of another. Where there is great strength, there 'aint apt to be much
gumption. A handsome man, in a gineral way, 'aint much of a man. A
beautiful bird seldom sings. Them that have genius have seldom common
sense. A feller with one idea grows rich, while he who calls him a
fool dies poor. The world is like a baked meat pie; the upper crust is
rich, dry, and puffy; the lower crust is heavy, doughy, and underdone;
the middle is not bad generally, but the smallest part of all is that
which flavours the whole.--_Sam Slick._
AN EPIGRAM ON PRESIDENT LINCOLN.--459.
_By the Manes of the Murdered Murray._
Abe L. is an able President,
His mind has a mighty reach;
Search all our cities and marts,
You won't find a man with better parts,
Excepting his parts of speech!
AMERICAN SOIL--ITS NATURAL RICHNESS.--460.
I took a handful of guano, that elixir of vegetation, and sowed a few
cucumber seeds in it. Well, sir, I was considerable tired when I had
done it, and so I just took a stretch for it under a great pine-tree,
and took a nap. Stranger! as true as I am talking to you this here
blessed minute, when I woke up, I was bound as tight as a sheep going
to market on a butcher's cart, and tied fast to a tree. I thought I
should never get out of that scrape; the cucumber vines had so grown
and twisted round, and wound me and my legs while I was asleep!
Fortunately, one arm was free, so I got out my jack knife, opened it
with my teeth, and cut myself out, and off for Victoria again, hot
foot. When I came into the town, says our captain to me, "Peabody,
what in natur is that ere great yaller thing that's a sticking out of
your pocket?" "Nothin'," sais I, looking as mazed as a puppy nine days
old, when he first opens his eyes, and takes his first stare. Well, I
put in my hand to feel, and I pulled out a great big ripe cucumber, a
foot long, that had ripened and gone to seed there.--_Sam Slick._
JOHN AND THE WIDDAH.--461.
It a'n't the feed--said the young man John--it's the old woman's looks
when a fellah lays it in too strong. The feed's well enough. After
geese have got tough, 'n' turkeys have got strong, 'n' lamb's got old,
'n' veal's pretty nigh beef, 'n' sparragrass's growin' tall 'n' slim,
'n' scattery about the head, 'n' peas are gettin' so big 'n' hard,
they'd be dangerous if you fired them out of a revolver, we get hold
of all them delicacies of the season. But it's too much like feedin'
on live folks, and devourin' widdah's substance, to lay yourself out
in the eatin' way, when a fellah's as hungry as the chap that said
a turkey was too much for one, 'n' not enough for two. I can't help
lookin' at the old woman. Corned-beef days she's tolerable calm;
roastin'-days she worries some, 'n' keeps a sharp eye on the chap
that carves. But when there's anything in the poultry line, it seems
to hurt her feelin's so to see the knife goin' into the breast, and
joints comin' to pieces, that ther's no comfort in eatin'. When I cut
up an old fowl, and help the boarders, I always feel as if I ought to
say, "Won't you have a slice of widdah?" instead of chicken.--_Oliver
Wendell Holmes._
STRIKING RESEMBLANCE.--462.
An American, speaking of his niggers, said: "Cæsar and Pompey are so
much alike that you can't tell the one from the other, _'specially
Pompey_."
UNDOUBTED COURAGE.--463.
"Sambo, you nigger, are you afraid of work?" "Bress you, massa, I no
'fraid of work; I'll lie down and go asleep close by him side."
A SIMILE.--464.
A jeweller in Philadelphia advertises that he has a number of precious
stones to dispose of, adding that they sparkle like the tears of a
young widow.
FIVE OUTS AND ONE IN.--465.
A poor Yankee, upon being asked the nature of his distress, replied
that he had "five outs and one in:" to wit, "_out_ of money and _out_
of clothes; _out_ at the heels and _out_ at the toes; _out_ of credit,
and _in_ debt."
SAM SLICK'S DESCRIPTION OF A TEETOTALLER.--466.
I once travelled through all the States of Maine with one of them air
chaps. He was as thin as a whippin' post. His skin looked like a blown
bladder, after some of the air has leaked out--kinder wrinkled and
rumpled like; and his eye as dim as a lamp that's livin' on a short
allowance of ile. He put me in mind of a pair of kitchen tongs--all
legs, shaft, and head, and no belly; real gander-gutted lookin'
crittur; as holler as a bamboo walking-cane, and twice as yaller. He
actilly looked as if he had been picked off a raft at sea, and dragged
through a gimlet hole.
ECLIPSING HIMSELF.--467.
A Virginian tavern keeper going down to his wine cellar, by mistake
went down his own throat. He did not discover the error he had
committed until the candle he carried was blown out by the first
inspiration he took. He described it as being very difficult to find
his way up again in the dark.
FAMILIAR ACQUAINTANCE.--468.
An aboriginal American was asked if he had known the Bishop of Quebec?
"Yes, yes." "And how did you like him?" "Oh, vastly!" "But how did you
happen to know him?" "Happen to know him! _Why, I ate a piece of him._"
PRESIDENT LINCOLN'S FIRST POLITICAL SPEECH.--469.
Abraham Lincoln made his first political speech in 1832, when he was a
candidate for the Illinois Legislature. His opponent had wearied the
audience by a long speech, leaving Mr. L. but a short time in which to
present his views. He condensed all he had to say into a few words,
as follows--"Gentlemen, Fellow-citizens: I presume you all know who I
am. I am humble Abraham Lincoln. I have been solicited by many friends
to become a candidate for the Legislature. My politics are short and
sweet, like an old woman's dance. I am in favour of a national bank. I
am in favour of the internal improvement system, and a high protective
tariff. These are my sentiments and political principles. If elected,
I shall be thankful; if not, it will be all the same."
TAKE CARE OF YOUR BAGGAGE.--470.
Travellers should be careful to entrust their baggage to proper
persons only, as a gentleman, not long ago, on alighting from the
train at Washington, entrusted his wife to a stranger, and she has not
been heard of since.
AMERICAN COMPETITION.--471.
It is in the nature of an American, says one, to be always in fear
lest his neighbour should arrive before him. If one hundred Americans
were about to be shot, they would fight for precedence, such are their
habits of competition.
AMERICAN DEFINITIONS.--472.
_Progress of Time._--A pedler going through the land with wooden
clocks.--_Honesty_ (obsolete): A term formerly used in the case of a
man who had paid for his newspapers, and the coat on his back.--_Rigid
Justice_: A juror in a murder case fast asleep.
TWO THINGS UNEXPECTED.--473.
Josh Billings says: "There air 2 things in this wurld for which we air
never fully prepared, and those air twins."
PERPETUAL MOTION.--474.
A New York Paper advertises that the owner of the perpetual motion
lately exhibiting at Boston has absconded without paying the man who
turned the crank in the cellar.
ARTEMUS WARD ON REORGANIZATION.--475.
Artemus Ward, in one of his letters, thus gives his idea of
reorganization:--"I never attempted to reorganize my wife but once.
I shall never attempt it again. I'd bin to a public dinner, and
had allowed myself to be betrayed into drinkin' several people's
health, and wishin' to make 'em as robust as possible, I continued
drinkin' their healths until my own became affected. Consekens was, I
presented myself at Betsy's bedside late at nite, with considerable
licker concealed about my person. I had somehow got perseschum of a
hosswhip on my way home, and rememberin' some cranky observashuns of
Mrs. Ward's in the morin', I snapt the whip putty lively, and in a
very loud voice I said, Betsy--I continued crackin' the whip over the
bed--I have come to reorganize you! I dreamed that nite that sumbody
laid a hosswhip over me sev'ril conseckootive times; and when I woke
up I found _she_ had. I haint drunk much of anythin' since, and if I
ever have another reorganizin' job on hand I shall let it out."
A RECEIPT IN FULL.--476.
A German in New York being required to give a receipt in full, after
much mental effort produced the following:--"I ish full. I wants no
more money. John Swackhammer." Perhaps the sententious Tueton was full
of lager beer.
A SUDDEN DECLARATION.--477.
A young gentleman happening to sit at church in a pew adjoining one
in which sat a young lady, for whom he conceived a sudden and violent
passion, was desirous of entering into a courtship on the spot, but
the place not suiting a formal declaration, the exigency of the case
suggested the following plan:--He politely handed his fair neighbour
a Bible open, with a pin stuck in the following text:--Second Epistle
of John, verse fifth--"And now I beseech thee lady, not as though I
wrote a new commandment unto thee, but that which we had from the
beginning, that we love one another." She returned it pointing to
the second chapter of Ruth, verse tenth--"Then she fell on her face
and bowed herself to the ground, and said unto him 'Why have I found
grace in thine eyes, seeing that I am a stranger?'" He returned the
book, pointing to the thirteenth verse of the Third Epistle of St.
John--"Having many things to write unto you, I would not write with
paper and ink, but I trust to come unto you, and speak face to face,
that our joy may be full." From the above interview a marriage took
place the ensuing week.
A VOCATION.--478.
"You're a loafer--a man without a calling," said a judge to a person
arrested as a vagrant. "I beg your pardon, your honour, I have a
vocation." "What is it?" "I smoke glass for eclipses, but just now it
is our dull season."
MAJOR DOWNING IN LONDON.--479.
The Queen regretted that she could not invite me to stay to dinner,
cause 'twas washin' day in the palace, and they only had a pick-up
dinner.
ANY BETTER THAN NONE.--480.
It may be said generally of husbands, as the old woman said of hers,
who had abused her to an old maid, who reproached her for being such a
fool as to marry him:--"To be sure, he's not so good a husband as he
should be, but he's a _powerful sight_ better than none."
A PRINTER'S TOAST.--481.
At a printer's festival the following sentiment was offered:--"Woman,
second only to the press in the dissemination of news."
WASHINGTON IRVING.--482.
Washington Irving's characteristic was quiet humour; mild enough,
but quaint; as when he said to a gentleman who, in a thunder-storm,
declined to take shelter under a tree, having promised to his father,
who had been once hit, never to do so: "Oh, that makes all the
difference in the world. If it is hereditary, and lightning runs in
the family, you are wise."
QUIZZING A WITNESS.--483.
Chapman, a witty lawyer of Hartford, was busy with a case at which
a lady was present, with whom he had already something to do as a
witness. Her husband was present--a diminutive, meek, forbearing sort
of a man--who, in the language of Mr. Chapman, "looked like a rooster
just fished out of a swill barrel," while the lady was a large portly
woman, evidently the better horse. As on the former occasion, she
baulked on the cross-examination. The lawyer was pressing a question
urgently, when she said, with vindictive fire flashing from her eyes,
"Mr. Chapman, you needn't think to catch me; you tried that once
before!" Putting on his most quizzical expression, he replied, "Madam,
I haven't the slightest desire to catch you, and your husband looks as
if he was sorry he did." The husband faintly smiled assent.
A WITTY AIDE-DE-CAMP.--484.
During the battle of Fredericksburg, the Confederate General Lee
observed one of his aides-de-camp, a very young man, shrink every now
and then, and by the motion of his body, seek to evade, if possible,
the shot. "Sir," said Lee, "what do you mean? Do you think you can
dodge the balls? Do you know that Napoleon lost about a hundred
aides-de-camp in one campaign?" "So I've read," replied the young
officer, "but I did not think you could spare so many."
NATURE AND ART.--485.
A worthy English agriculturist visited the great dinner-table of the
Astor House Hotel, in New York, and took up the bill of fare. His
eye caught up the names of its, to him, unknown dishes:--"Soupe à la
Flamande"--"Soupe à la Creci"--"Langue de Boeuf piquée"--"Pieds de
Cochon à la Ste. Ménéhould"--"Patés de sanglier"--"Patés à la gelée
de volailles"--"Les cannelons de crème glacée." It was too much for
his simple heart, and laying down the scarlet-bound volume in disgust,
he cried to the waiter, "Here, my good man, I shall go back to _first
principles_! Give us some beans and bacon!"
THE PRESIDENT AND THE MARSHAL.--486.
A devoted admirer of honest old Abe makes a very severe conundrum upon
Marshal Kane. "What two characters in scripture remind us of a certain
President in Washington and a certain Marshal in Baltimore?" Give it
up, reader? Certainly! "Wicked Kane and righteous Abe L. (Abel)."
This, of course, is a delicate allusion to the sons of Adam, who must
have been Ameri-cains, since they went to fighting so soon about
nothing.
INSINUATING REJOINDER.--487.
"Why don't you get married?" said a young lady to a bachelor
acquaintance who was on a visit. "I have been trying for the last ten
years to find some one who would be silly enough to take me, and have
not yet succeeded," was the reply. "Then you haven't been down our
way," was the insinuating rejoinder.
STYLING THE FIRM.--488.
"John, my son," said a doting father, who was about taking him
into business, "what shall be the style of the new firm?"--"Well,
governor," said the youth, "I don't know--but suppose we have it
John H. Samplin and Father?" The old gentleman was struck with the
originality of the idea, but didn't adopt it.
A REMARKABLE CHAMBER-MAID.--489.
A notice in an American newspaper of a steamboat explosion ended as
follows:--"The captain swam ashore; so did the chamber-maid. She was
insured for 15,000 dollars, and loaded with iron."
SAVING THE TRUTH.--490.
"Do you mean to insinuate that I lie, sir?" exclaimed a
fierce-looking, mustachioed gentleman to a raw Yankee, who hinted some
slight scepticism as to one of his toughest statements. "No, mister,
not at all--only it kind o' strikes me that you are 'tarnal savin' of
truth."
NIGGER EXPLANATION.--491.
"Where is the hoe, Sambo?"--"Wid de rake, massa."--"Well, where is the
rake?"--"Wid de hoe."--"But where are they both?"--"Why, bof togeder.
By golly, old massa, you 'pears to be berry 'ticular dis mornin'."
A JEW D'ESPRIT.--492.
Mr. Noah, a Jew, was a candidate for the office of sheriff of the city
of New York, and it was objected to his election that a Jew would thus
come to have the hanging of Christians. "Pretty Christians, indeed,"
remarked Noah, "to need hanging!"
CUFF'S CABIN.--493.
A gentleman riding through Virginia was overtaken by a violent
thunder-storm. He took shelter in a negro's cabin, and found the water
streaming through many crevices in the roof. "Why don't you mend your
roof, Cuff?" he asked. "Oh, um rain so, maussa, 'can't," said the
negro. "But why don't you mend it when it doesn't rain?" asked the
gentleman. "Yah, maussa," said the negro, with a grin, "den um dohn
want mendin'."
SMALL WAISTS AND TIGHT LACING.--494.
"MY dear girls," said the preacher, "I like to see a small
waist as well as anybody, and females with hour-glass shapes suit my
fancy better than your Dutch-churn, soap-barrel, slab-sided sort of
figures; but I don't want to give the credit to corsets."--_Dow's
Sermons._
THACKERAY AND THE PIRATE'S DAUGHTER.--495.
Shortly after his first landing in America, Thackeray was invited to
dinner by one of the Messrs. Harper, the well-known publishing firm,
whose magazine, _Harper's Monthly_, is a deliberate compilation from
all the best English periodicals. On his introduction to Mr. Harper,
Thackeray had joked with him on the American contempt for copyright;
and when he went into the drawing-room he took a little girl, whom
he found playing there, on his knee, and gazing at her with feigned
wonder, said in solemn tones, "And this is a pirate's daughter!"
GENERAL MEADE TO GENERAL LEE.--496.
The following lines were found in a Confederate soldier's note-book,
on the camping-ground near Breckenridge's head-quarters, before
Washington, July 17, 1864:--
Quoth Meade to Lee--
Can you tell me,
In the shortest style of writing,
When people will
Get their fill
Of this big job of fighting?
Quoth Lee to Meade--
Why, yes, indeed,
I'll tell you in a minute:
When legislators
And speculators
Are made to enter in it.
ADOPTING THE OTHER COURSE.--497.
The following advertisement appears in a California paper:--"Wanted,
by a blackguard, employment of any kind, temporary or otherwise. The
advertiser having hitherto conducted himself as a gentleman, and
signally failed, of which his hopeless state of impecuniosity is the
best proof, is induced to adopt the other course, in the hope that
he may meet with better success. No objection to up country. Terms
moderate."
A WHALE AT PEAS.--498.
The dinner was a capital one, and Judge Tips played an excellent knife
and fork. A dish of peas came round, the last of the marrowfats; the
latest peas of summer. I am very fond of peas, and was rejoiced to
see my favourites once again; and I anxiously awaited their arrival.
Miss Tips, Miss Julia Tips, and Tips _mère_, as the French would say,
had each taken a decorous spoonful from the flying dish, and now
the black waiter was offering the delicacy to Tips himself, enough
being left for five persons, at least. What was my horror to behold
the judge deliberately monopolize the whole--sweep, as I live, every
pea into his own plate--and then turning to me, with a greasy smile,
remark: "I guess, stranger, I'm a whale at peas."
A TEARFUL RESPONSE.--499.
"Does the razor take hold well?" inquired a barber, who was shaving a
gentleman from the country. "Yes," replied the customer, with tears in
his eyes, "it takes hold first-rate, but it don't let go very easily."
A PRETENDED PELHAM.--500.
A gentleman crossing one of the New York ferries was accosted by
one of those peripatetic vendors of cheap literature and weekly
newspapers, who are to be found in shoals about such public places,
with "Buy Bulwer's last work, sir? Only two shillin'." The gentleman,
willing to have a laugh with the urchin, said: "Why, I am Bulwer,
myself!" Off went the lad, and whispering to another at a distance,
excited his wonderment at the information he had to impart. Eyeing the
pretended author of "Pelham" with a kind of awe, he approached him
timidly, and, holding out a pamphlet, said, modestly: "Buy the 'Women
of England,' sir? You're not Mrs. Ellis, are you?" Of course, the
proposed sale was effected.
DINNER, BUT NO BREAKFAST.--501.
A gentleman was stopping at the plantation of a friend in Georgia,
and for his benefit a social fishing party was got up to go to some
river, a few hours' drive in the country. The party made a very early
start in the morning, and it so happened that a venerable old "uncle"
of extreme African descent, who was selected to drive them out, missed
his breakfast in the hurry and bustle of departure. This disagreeable
circumstance rendered the old darky very crusty and melancholy during
the entire morning; but at early noon the party adjourned to a country
tavern on the river bank, and had a good dinner, and the old "general"
was not slow to seek some alimentary compensation for the loss of
his matin meal. It was taken for granted that the old gent's good
humour would be restored by the dinner, but it was soon noticed that
he continued to remain "blue" and sorrowful, and, being surprised
thereat, his master asked him why he was still so cross, since he had
had so good a dinner. The old darky replied: "Yes, massa, me know I'se
had me dinnah, but me habn't had no brekfuss yet, nohow."
THE LOAFER'S HAT.--502.
"I say, John, where did you get that loafer's hat?" "Please your
honour," said John, "it's an old one of yours, that missus gave me
yesterday, when you were in town."
THE DEBT OF NATURE.--503.
An impertinent editor in Alabama, says a paper, wants to know when we
"intend to pay 'the debt of Nature?'" We are inclined to think that
when Nature gets her dues from him it will be by an _execution_.
A BLACK BULL.--504.
At a coloured ball the following notice was posted on the
door-post:--"Tickets, fifty cents. No gemmen admitted unless he comes
himself."
A NEW DISH.--505.
Pete Johnson was a tall, green, raw-boned country negro, and knew
nothing of city life or polished society. Recently he became tired
of tilling the soil by the month, journeyed to the metropolis, and
let himself as a waiter on board a steamer which plies up and down
the Sound on the New York, Norwich, and Boston line. As is customary
with new waiters, in order to train them to ease, and give them the
necessary polish and experience, he was required at first to attend
the officers' tables exclusively. But one evening, after a few weeks'
service, there came a great rush of passengers, and, of course, the
supper-room was thronged. Pete was sent to the public tables for the
first time. He got along very well until a guest called for an omelet.
This was a new dish to the green waiter, but he thought he understood
the order correctly, and with his usual gravity, stepped up to the
kitchen door and cried out, "An almanac!"
THE LAST COMPLIMENT.--506.
A story is told of a very polite sheriff and a very polite criminal.
"Sir," said the culprit, as the sheriff was carefully adjusting
the rope, "really your attention deserves my thanks; in fact, I do
not know anybody I should rather have hang me." "Really," said the
sheriff, "you are pleased to be complimentary. I do not know of
another individual it would give me so much pleasure to hang."
PRECEPT AND PRACTICE.--507.
Dr. Channing had a brother a physician, and at one time they both
dwelt in Boston. A countryman was in search of the doctor. The
following dialogue ensued:--"Does Dr. Channing live here?"--"Yes,
sir." "Can I see him?"--"I am he." "Who, you?"--"Yes, sir." "You
must have altered considerably since I heard you preach."--"Heard me
preach?" "Certainly! you are the Dr. Channing that preaches, ain't
you?"--"Oh! I see you are mistaken now; 'tis my brother who preaches;
I'm the doctor who practises."
A FAIR RETORT.--508.
Mr. Cobden, in one of his speeches, said that he once asked an
enthusiastic American lady why her country could not rest satisfied
with the immense unoccupied territories it already possesses, but
must ever be lusting after the lands of its neighbours. Her somewhat
remarkable reply was, "Oh! the propensity is a very bad one, I admit;
but we came honestly by it, for we inherited it from you."
DR. FRANKLIN.--509.
The town of Franklin, in Massachusetts, was named in honour of
Benjamin Franklin, the printer philosopher. While in France, a
gentleman in Boston wrote to him of the fact, and added, that as the
town was building a meeting-house, perhaps he would give them a bell.
Franklin wrote the characteristic reply, that he presumed that the
good people of F. would prefer sense to sound, and therefore he would
give them a library. This he did, and the library is now in good
condition, and has been of great service to the intelligent people of
that pleasant town.
REASONABLE INSTINCT.--510.
A dog, which had lost the whole of her interesting family, was seen
trying to poke a piece of crape through the handle of the door of one
of the sausage shops in this city.
DANIEL WEBSTER'S COURTSHIP.--511.
The manner of Daniel Webster's engagement to Miss Fletcher is thus
pleasantly described by a letter writer:--"He was then a young lawyer.
At one of his visits to Miss Grace Fletcher he had, probably with a
view of utility and enjoyment, been holding skeins of silk thread
for her, when suddenly he stopped, saying, 'Grace, we have thus been
engaged in untying knots, let us see if we can tie a knot; one which
will not untie for a lifetime.' He then took a piece of tape, and
after beginning a knot of a peculiar kind gave it her to complete.
This was the ceremony and ratification of their engagement. And now
in the little box marked by him with the words 'precious documents,'
containing the letters of his early courtship, this unique memorial is
still to be found--the knot never untied."
PRESENTED AT COURT.--512.
An American who had returned from Europe, told his friend that he had
been presented at the court there. "Did you see the Queen?" asked one.
"Well, no, I didn't see her zacly, but I seed one of her friends--a
judge. Yer see," he continued, "the court I was presented at happened
to be the Central Criminal Court."
CRITICAL.--513.
A Western critic, in speaking of a new play, says:--"The unities are
admirably observed; the dulness, which commences with the first act,
never flags for a moment until the curtain falls."
HARD FEATHERS.--514.
An American sitting on a very hard seat in a railway carriage, said,
"Wal, they tell me these here cushions air stuffed with feathers.
They may have put the feathers in 'em, but darn me if _I don't think
they've left the fowls in too_!"
SNORING IN CHURCH.--515.
The _Boston Bee_ contains the following polite hint:--"Deacon ---- is
requested not to commence snoring in church to-morrow morning until
after the commencement of the sermon, as several of the congregation
are anxious to hear the text."
PROFESSOR EVERETT AND JUDGE STORY.--516.
Professor Everett, once the American ambassador to this country, was
entertained at a public dinner before leaving Boston. Judge Story gave
as a sentiment--"Genius is sure to be welcome where Ever-ett goes."
Everett responded--"Law, Equity, and Jurisprudence: no efforts can
raise them above one Story."
LOVE-LETTER INK.--517.
An ingenious down-easter, who has invented a new kind of "love-letter
ink," which he has been selling as a safeguard against all actions
for breach of promise of marriage, in so much as it entirely fades
from the paper in two months after date, was recently "done brown" by
a brother down-easter, who purchased a hundred boxes of the article,
and gave him his note for 90 days. At the expiration of the time, the
ink inventor called for payment, but, on unfolding the scrip, found
nothing but a blank piece of paper. The note had been written with his
own ink.
A ROUGH BEDFELLOW.--518.
A man in Arkansas had been drinking until a late hour at night, and
then started for home in a state of sweet obliviousness. Upon reaching
his own premises he was too far gone to discover any door to the
domicile he was wont to inhabit, and, therefore, laid himself down in
a shed which was a favourite rendezvous for swine. They happened to
be out when the new comer arrived, but soon returned to their bed. The
weather being rather cold, they, in the utmost kindness, and with the
truest hospitality, gave their biped companion the middle of the bed,
some lying on either side of him, and others acting the part of quilt.
Their warmth prevented him from being injured by exposure. Towards
morning he awoke. Finding himself comfortable, in blissful ignorance
of his whereabouts, he supposed himself enjoying the accommodation of
a tavern, in company with other gentlemen. He reached out his hand,
and catching hold of the stiff bristles of an old hog, exclaimed:
"Hallo, my good friend, you've got a deuce of a beard! When did you
shave last?"
NEW, IF NOT TRUE.--519.
In one of the Northern States of America, according to
veracious authority, the pious young women established
an association which they styled "The Young Women's
Anti-young-men-waiting-at-the-church-doors-with-ulterior-objects
Society." (We suppose this must be founded on the model of "The
Anti-poking-your-nose-into-other-people's-business Society," in
London.)
TRUE, IF NOT NEW.--520.
A burnt child hates the fire, but a man who has been singed by Cupid's
torch always has a sneaking kindness for the old flame.
CURING TWO AFFLICTIONS.--521.
An American secretary of state had two afflictions--an obliging
doorkeeper and a pertinacious office-hunter. Day after day the
latter called, and the former was too polite to shut him out. The
secretary, when he could stand the nuisance no longer, said to the
doorkeeper: "Do you know what that man comes after?" "Yes," replied
the functionary, "an office, I suppose." "True, but do you know what
office?" "No." "Well, then, I'll tell you; he wants your office." The
bore was admitted no more.
PLAIN SPOKEN.--522.
"Facts are stubborn things," said a lawyer to a female witness under
examination. The lady replied: "Yes, _sir-ee_, and so are women;
and if you get anything out of me just let me know it."--"You'll be
committed for contempt."--"Very well; I'll suffer justly, for I feel
the utmost contempt for every lawyer present."
POPPING THE QUESTION.--523.
A bachelor, too poor to get married, yet too susceptible to let
the girls alone, was riding with a lady "all of a summer's day,"
and accidentally--(men's arms, awkward things, are ever in the
way!)--dropped an arm round her waist. No objection was made for a
while, and the arm gradually relieved the side of the carriage of the
pressure upon it. But of a sudden, whether from a late recognition of
the impropriety of the thing, or the sight of another beau coming,
never was known, the lady started with volcanic energy, and with a
flashing eye exclaimed: "Mr. B., I can support myself!"--"Capital,"
was the instant reply, "you are just the girl I have been looking for
these five years--will you marry me?"
A GEM.--524.
At a lecture of Bayard Taylor's a lady wished for a seat, when a
portly, handsome gentleman brought one, and seated her. "Oh, you're a
jewel," said she. "Oh, no," he replied, "I'm a jeweller--I have just
_set_ the jewel!"
THINGS I SHOULD LIKE TO SEE.--525.
A fashionable bootmaker who was not "from Paris."
A gentleman who was not a self-constituted inspector of ladies'
bonnet-linings.
A male pedestrian divorced from his cane who knew what to do with his
hands.
A man who could hold an umbrella properly over a lady's bonnet; or put
on her cloak, or shawl, without crushing her bonnet, or hair; or diet
himself when he was ailing; or take physic that did not "taste good;"
or be good-natured when he was sick, or had cut his chin in shaving,
or had to wait ten minutes for his dinner or breakfast; or who was
ever "refused" by a lady.
A bachelor whose carpet did not wear out _first_ in front of the
looking-glass.
A male author who could successfully counterfeit a feminine letter.
An editor, or author, who did not feel nervous at the idea of
examining trunk-linings and parcel wrappers.
A handsome child who did not grow up to be homely.
A woman who was not _at heart_ inimical to her own sex.
A married man who could give the right hand of fellowship to a wife's
old lover; or take a hint from the toe of her slipper, under the
table, before company.
A milliner who could be bribed to make a bonnet to cover the head.
A dressmaker who did not consider a "perfect fit" to consist in an
armour of whalebone and a breathless squeeze.
A husband's relatives who could speak well of his wife.
A doctor who had not more patients than he could attend to.
A washerwoman who ever lost an article of clothing.
A public speaker who did not search for the lost thread of his
discourse in the convenient tumbler of water at his elbow.
A woman who would not feign to be "so fond of cigar-smoke," rather
than exile the smoker.
An old maid who was not so from choice.
FANNY FERN.
QUESTION FOR QUESTION.--526.
Franklin was once asked, "What is the use of your discovery of
atmospheric electricity?" The philosopher answered the question by
another, "What is the _use_ of a new-born infant?"
THE YANKEE.--527.
"No matter where his home may be--
What flag may be unfurl'd!
He'll manage by some _cute_ device,
To _whittle_ through the world."
--_Miss Allin's "Home Ballads."_
TRUE POLITENESS.--528.
Sir W. G., when Governor of Williamsburgh, returned the salute of
a negro who was passing. "Sir," said a gentleman, present, "do you
descend to salute a slave?" "Why, yes," replied the Governor, "I
cannot suffer a man of his condition to _exceed_ me in _good manners_."
A "DISTANT" FRIEND.--529.
Meeting a negro on the road, a traveller said: "You have lost some
of your friends, I see?" "Yes, massa." "Was it a _near_ or distant
relative?" "Well, purty distant--_'bout twenty-four mile_," was the
reply.
JONATHAN OF ALL TRADES.--530.
The editor of the _Boston Daily Star_, in relinquishing his charge,
gave the following notice:--"Any one wishing corn hoed, gardens
weeded, wood sawed, coal pitched in, paragraphs written, or small
jobs done with despatch, and on reasonable terms, will please make
immediate application to the retiring editor."
MUCH VIRTUE IN AN "IF."--531.
"If you can only get kit rid of them little failings" (blindness and
deafness), said one Yankee to another, "you'll find him all sorts of a
horse."
THE SCHOOLMASTER ABROAD.--532.
A Californian gold-digger, having become rich, desired a friend to
procure for him a library of books. The friend obeyed, and received
a letter of thanks thus worded:--"I am obliged to you for the pains
of your selection. I particularly admire a grand religious poem about
Paradise, by a Mr. Milton, and a set of plays (quite delightful) by a
Mr. Shakespeare. _If these gentlemen should write and publish anything
more, be sure and send me their new works._"
ANSWERING AN ADVERTISEMENT.--533.
A merchant advertising for a clerk, "who could bear confinement,"
received an answer from one who had been ten years in the State prison!
THE LOVERS' LEAP.--534.
Mr. Dickens tells an American story of a young lady who, being
intensely loved by five young men, was advised to "jump overboard, and
marry the man who jumped in after her." Accordingly, next morning, the
five lovers being on deck, and looking very devotedly at the young
lady, she plunged into the sea head foremost. Four of the lovers
immediately jumped in after her. When the young lady and four lovers
were out again, she says to the captain, "What am I to do with them
now, they are so wet?" "Take the _dry one_." And the young lady did,
and married him.
COMPLIMENTARY.--535.
She was all sorts of a gal--there warn't a sprinklin' too much of her;
she had an eye that would make a fellow's heart try to get out of his
bosom; her step was as light as a panther's, and her breath sweet as a
prairie flower.
CUTTING.--536.
General Lee one day found Dr. Cutting, the army surgeon, who was a
handsome and dressy man, arranging his cravat complacently before
a glass. "Cutting," said Lee, "you must be the happiest man in
creation." "Why, General?" "Because," replied Lee, "you are in love
with _yourself_, and you have not a _rival_ upon earth."
THE DARKIE'S WISH.--537.
I wish de legislatur would set dis darkie free,
Oh! what a happy place den de darkie land would be
We'd have a darkie parliament,
An' darkie codes of law,
An' darkie judges on de bench,
Darkie barristers and aw.
POOR PREACHING AND POOR PAY.--538.
"John, what do you do for a living?"--"Oh, me preach."--"Preach, and
do you get paid for it?"--"Sometimes me get a shilling, sometimes two
shillings."--"And isn't that mighty poor pay?"--"Oh, yes, but it's
mighty poor preaching."
A TRUMP CARD.--539.
There was a very large family of Cards wunst at Slickville. They
were mostly in the stage-coach and livery-stable line, and careless,
reckless sort of people. So one day Squire Zenas Card had a
christenin' at his house. Says the minister, "What shall I call the
child?"--"Pontius Pilate," said he.--"I can't," said the minister,
"and I won't. No soul ever heard of such a name for a Christian since
baptism came in fashion."--"I am sorry for that," said the squire,
"for it's a mighty pretty name. I heard it once in church, and I
thought if ever I had a son I'd call him after him; but if I can't
have that--and it's a dreadful pity--call him Trump;" and he was
christened "Trump Card."--_Sam Slick._
TIMELY WARNING.--540.
A Yankee editor thus confesses to have had dealings with Satan, for
the good of his readers, of course:--I was sitting in my study, when
I heard a knock at the door. "Come in," said I; when the door opened,
and who should walk in but--Satan! "How d'ye do?" said he.--"Pretty
well," said I.--"What are you about? preparing your leader?"--"Yes,"
said I.--"Ah! I dare say you think you are doing a great deal of
good?"--"Well," said I, "not so much as I could wish; but a little
good, I hope."--"You have a large lot of readers," said he.--"Well,
pretty well for that," said I.--"And I dare say you are very proud of
them," said Satan.--"No," said I, "that I am not, for not one-third of
them pay for their papers!"--"You don't say so!" said he.--"Yes, that
I do," said I; "not one-third of them pay for their papers!"--"Well,"
said he, "then they are an immoral lot; but let me have the list, I
think I can do a trifle myself with such people."
HABITUAL THIRST.--541.
A soldier on trial for habitual drunkenness was addressed by the
president--"Prisoner, you have heard the prosecution for habitual
drunkenness, what have you to say in defence?" "Nothing, please your
honour, but habitual thirst."
STONING STEPHEN.--542.
The _Buffalo Democracy_ narrates this story of one of the miniature
men, vulgarly called children:--"A teacher in a Sunday-school
in R---- was examining a class of little boys from a Scripture
catechism. The first question was, 'Who stoned Stephen?'--_Answer_:
'The Jews.'--Second question: 'Where did they stone him?'--'Beyond
the limits of the city.'--The third question: 'Why did they take
him beyond the limits of the city?' was not in the book, and proved
a poser to the whole class; it passed from head to foot without
an answer being attempted. At length a little fellow who had been
scratching his head all the while looked up, and said, 'Well, I don't
know, unless it was to get _a fair fling at him_!'"
VIRGINIAN ELOQUENCE.--543.
Mr. Wise, of Virginia, in a late speech, is reported to have said
respecting that State, "She has an iron chain of mountains running
through her centre, which God has placed there to milk the clouds,
and be the source of her silver rivers." The _Rochester American_
remarks--"The figure is borrowed from the New York milkmen, who milk
the clouds as much as they do their cows, and draw from the former the
most palatable and healthful portion of the compound fluid."
YANKEE FACTORY GIRLS.--544.
In one of the factories in Maine the proprietor recently reduced the
wages, whereupon there was a general determination to "strike;" and
as the girls were obliged to give a month's notice before quitting
work, they have meanwhile issued a circular to the world at large, in
which is the following interesting paragraph:--"We are now working
out our notice, and shall soon be without employment; can turn our
hands to 'most anything; don't like to be idle--but determined not
to work for nothing when folks can afford to pay. Who wants help? We
can make bonnets, dresses, puddings, pies, and cakes, patch, darn,
and knit, roast, stew, and fry; make butter and cheese, milk cows and
feed chickens, and hoe corn; sweep out the kitchen, put the parlour to
rights, make beds, split wood, kindle fires, wash and iron, besides
being remarkably fond of babies; in fact, can do anything the most
accomplished housewife is capable of--not forgetting the scoldings
on Mondays and Saturdays. For specimens of spirit we refer you to
our overseer. Speak quick. Black eyes, fair foreheads, clustering
locks, beautiful as a Hebe, can sing like a seraph, and smile most
bewitchingly. An elderly gentleman in want of a housekeeper, or a nice
young man in want of a wife--willing to sustain any character; in
fact, we are in the market. Who bids? Going--going--gone! Who's the
lucky man?"
FALLING IN LOVE.--545.
If you want a son not to fall in love with any splenderiferous gal,
praise her up to the skies, call her an angel, say she is a whole team
and horse to spare, and all that. The moment the crittur sees her he
is a little grain disappointed, and says, "Well, she is handsome,
that's a fact; but she is not so very, very everlastin' after all."
Nothin' damages a gal, a preacher, or a lake, like overpraise. A hoss
is one of the onliest things in natur' that is helpet by it.--_Sam
Slick._
DULL MEMBERS.--546.
"I rise for information," said one of the dullest of the members
of the American Legislature.--"I am very glad to hear it," said
one, who was leaning over the bar; "for no man wants it more than
yourself." Another member rose to speak on the bill to abolish capital
punishments, and commenced by saying, "Mr. Speaker, the generality
of mankind in general are disposed to exercise oppression on the
generality of mankind in general." "You had better stop," said one,
who was sitting near enough to pull him by the coat-tail; "you had
better stop, you are coming out of the same hole you went in at."
HEADY.--547.
A New York paper says that a man the morning after he has been drunk
with wine feels as though he had the rheumatism in every hair of his
head.
SAM SLICK'S GEOLOGY.--548.
The clockmaker says: "I never heard of secondary formations without
pleasure, that's a fact. The ladies, you know, are the secondary
formations, for they were formed after man."
POLITICS.--549.
Politics is nothing more nor less than a race for a prize, a game for
the stakes, a battle for the spoils.--_Dow's Sermons._
GOOD EYESIGHT.--550.
A man down East, describing the prevalence of duelling, summed up
with: "They even fight with daggers in a room _pitch dark_." "Is it
possible?" was the reply. "_Possible_, sir!" returned the Yankee,
"_why I've seen them_."
A KNOWING CONTRABAND.--551.
"Bob," now called Belmont Bob, is the body servant of General
Clernard, and at the battle of Belmont it is said of him that when
the retreat commenced he started for the boats. Reaching the banks,
he dismounted, and slid rapidly down, when an officer, seeing the
action, called out: "Stop, you rascal, and bring along the horse."
Merely looking up as he waded to the plank through the mud, the darky
replied: "Can't 'bey, colonel; major told me to save the most valuable
property, and dis nigger's worf mor'n a horse."
GENERAL GRANT.--552.
When the North American General Grant was about twelve years old, his
father sent him a few miles into the country to buy a horse from a man
named Ralston. The old man told his son to offer Ralston 50 dollars
at first; if he wouldn't take that, to offer 55 dollars, and to go as
high as 60 dollars, if no less would make the purchase. The embryotic
major-general started off with these instructions fully impressed
upon his mind. He called upon Mr. Ralston, and told him he wished to
buy the horse. "How much did your father tell you to give for him?"
was the very natural inquiry from the owner of the steed. "Why," said
young Grant, "he told me to offer you 50 dollars, and if that wouldn't
do to give you 55 dollars, and if you wouldn't take less than 60
dollars to give you that." Of course, 60 dollars was the lowest figure
at which the horse could be parted with.
SNIP.--553.
A tailor from Nantucket exclaimed, on first beholding the Falls of
Niagara, "What an almighty fine place to sponge a coat in!"
BACKWOODS CONVERSATION.--554.
What is the land? Bogs.--The atmosphere? Fogs.--What did you live on?
Hogs.--What were your draught animals? Dogs.--Any fish in the ponds?
Frogs.--What did you find the women? Clogs.--What map did you travel
by? Mogg's.
NO VICES.--555.
Some one was smoking in the presence of the President, and
complimented him on having no vices, neither drinking nor smoking.
"That is a doubtful compliment," answered the President; "I recollect
once being outside a stage in Illinois, and a man sitting by me
offered me a cigar. I told him I had no vices. He said nothing; smoked
for some time; and then grunted out, 'It's my experience that folks
who have no vices have plaguey few virtues.'"
"FIRE AT THE CRISIS."--556.
During one of the battles on the Mississippi, between General Grant's
forces and General Pillow's soldiers, the latter officer called out to
a Capt. Duncan, in his usual pompous, solemn manner: "Captain Duncan,
fire! the crisis has come." Duncan, without saying a word, turned to
his men, who were standing by their guns already shotted and primed,
and simply called out, "Fire!" The men were slightly surprised at
the order, there being no particular object within range, when an old
grey-headed Irish sergeant stepped up with "Plaze, yer honour, what
shall we fire at?" "Fire at the crisis," said Duncan. "Didn't you hear
the general say it had come?"
A SHREWD NIGGER.--557.
"Why don't you enlist, Ginger?" asked a white patriot of a negro.
"Wal, mas'r," replied the contraband, "did yever see two dogs fightin'
for a bone?" "Certainly, Ginger." "Wal, did yever see de bone fight?"
"Not I." "Wal, mas'r, you'se both a fightin', and Ginger's de bone,
an' he's not gwine to fight in this hyar difficulmty."
AN AMERICAN "HELP."--558.
The following amusing description of an American servant we extract
from a letter from New York:--An American "help" is no menial. She is
spoken of, not satirically, but in simple good faith, as "the young
lady" who "picks up" the house and "fixes" the dinner-table. Before
she agrees to enter a family she cross-examines her mistress as to
whether the house is provided with Hecker's flour, and Berbe's range;
brass pails; oil-cloth on the stairs; and hot and cold water laid on.
Then she states the domestic "platform" on which she is prepared to
act. "Monday I bakes; and nobody speaks to me. Tuesday I washes; I'se
to be let alone. Wednesday I irons; you'd best let me be that day.
Thursday I picks up the house; I'm awful ugly that day in temper, but
affectionate. Friday I bakes again. Saturday my beau comes. And Sunday
I has to myself." The "help," I repeat, is a young lady. She attends
lectures, and may some day become a member of a Woman's Rights'
Convention; and it is because she is a young lady, and the persons
who require her assistance do not choose to run the risk of being
driven raving mad by her perversity and her impertinence, that so many
married couples in the United States never venture on housekeeping for
themselves, but live from year's end to year's end in uproarious and
comfortless hotels.
GERMAN WINES.--559.
The _Philadelphia Gazette_ assures its readers that some of the German
wines are as sour as vinegar, and as rough as a file. It is remarked
of the wines of Stuttgard, says this authority, that one is like a cat
scampering down your throat headforemost, and another is like drawing
the same cat back again by its tail.
THE GENERAL NO PATTERN.--560.
A private one day lumbered into the presence of General Thomas and
asked for furlough, adding: "General, I wish to go home to see my
wife." "How long is it since you have seen your wife?" inquired the
General. "Why," answered the soldier, "I have not seen my wife for
over three months." "Three months!" remarked General Thomas, "why,
I haven't seen my wife for over three years!" "Well, that may be,"
rejoined the other, "but you see, General, me and my wife ain't of
that sort." The private got his furlough after that rub.
IT FOLLOWS.--561.
A Yankee pedlar with his cart, overtaking another of his class on
the road, was thus addressed: "Hallo, what do you carry?" "Drugs and
medicines," was the reply. "Good," returned the other, "you may go
ahead; I carry grave-stones."
JOSHUA BILLINGS ON HORSES.--562.
Pedigree iz not important for a fast-trotten' hoss; if he kan trot
fast, never mind the pedigree. Thare iz a grate menny fast men even
who ain't got no pedigree. Thare ain't much art in drivin' a trotten'
hoss; just hold him back hard, and holler him ahead hard, that's awl.
A hoss will trot the fastest down hill, espeshili if the birchin
brakes. Kuller is no kriterior. I have seen awful mean hosses of all
kullers, except green. I never seed a mean one of this kuller. Hosses
live tew an honorabil old age. I often seen them that appeared fully
prepared for deth. Heathens are awlus kind to hosses; it is among
Christian people that a hoss haz to trot three mile heats in a hot
day, for 25,900 dollars counterfeit munny.
AMERICAN CURIOSITY.--563.
"You're from down East, I guess?" said a sharp, nasal voice behind
me. This was a supposition first made in the Portland cars, when I
was at a loss to know what distinguishing and palpable peculiarity
marked me as a "down-easter." Better informed now, I replied, "I
am."--"Going West?" "Yes."--"Travelling alone?" "No."--"Was you raised
down East?" "No, in the Old Country."--"In the little old island?
Well, you're kinder glad to leave it, I guess? Are you a widow?"
"No."--"Are you travelling on business?" "No."--"What business do you
follow?" "None."--"Well, now, what are you travelling for?" "Health
and pleasure."--"Well, now, I guess you're pretty considerable rich.
Coming to settle out West, I suppose?" "No, I'm going back at the end
of the fall."--"Well, now, if that's not a pretty tough hickory-nut! I
guess you Britishers are the queerest critturs as ever was raised!"
YANKEE INQUISITIVENESS.--564.
One of the last stories of Yankee inquisitiveness makes the victim
give his tormentor a direct cut, in telling him he wished to be asked
no further questions. The inquisitor fell back a moment to take
breath, and change his tactics. The half-suppressed smile on the
faces of the other passengers soon aroused him to further exertions;
and, summoning up more resolution, he then began again. "Stranger,
perhaps you are not aware how mighty hard it is for a Yankee to
control his curiosity. You'll please excuse me, but I really would
like to know your name and residence, and the business you follow.
I expect you ain't ashamed of either of 'em, so now won't you just
obleedge me?" This appeal brought out the traveller, who, rising up
to the extremest height allowed by the coach, and throwing back his
shoulders, replied: "My name is General Andrew Washington. I reside in
the State of Mississipi. I am a gentleman of leisure, and, I am glad
to be able to say, of extensive means. I have heard much of New York,
and I am on my way to see it; and, if I like it as well as I am led to
expect, _I intend to--buy it_." Then was heard a shout of stentorian
laughter throughout the stage-coach, and this was the last of that
conversation.
THE AMENDE HONOURABLE.--565.
A Pennsylvania paper contains the subjoined _amende honourable_,
which ought to satisfy any reasonable being:--"AMENDE
HONOURABLE:--We yesterday spoke of Mr. Hamilton, of the Chesnut
Street Theatre, as a 'thing.' Mr. H. having complained of our remark,
we willingly retract, and here state that Mr. Hamilton, of the Chesnut
Street Theatre, is _no-thing_."
YANKEE PORTRAIT OF JOHN BULL.--566.
An American writer says: "John Bull is altogether too superfluous and
clumsy; his proportions want regulating; his belly is too protuberant;
his neck too thick; his feet too spreading; his hands too large and
podgy; his lips too spongy and everted; his cheeks too pendulous; his
nose too lobular, blunt, and bottle-like; his expression altogether
too beef-eating. In a word, according to our taste, John Bull won't
do, and must be done over again. The American is an Englishman
without his caution, his reserve, his fixed habits, his cant, and his
stolidity."
A SLIGHT DIFFERENCE.--567.
A St. Louis paper informs its readers that the anthracite coal, found
lately in Missouri, looks like coal, feels like coal, and smells like
coal; all the difference is that coal burns, and that will not.
HALF GUILTY.--568.
A man was on trial for _entering_ a house in Philadelphia in the night
time, with intent to steal. The testimony was clear that he had made
an opening sufficiently large to admit the upper part of his body, and
through which he protruded himself about half way, and, stretching
out his arm, committed the theft. Mr. Obfusticate Brief addressed the
jury. "What an outrage (looking horrified, and with outstretched and
trembling arms)! I repeat, what an outrage upon your common sense it
is for the State's Attorney to ask at your hands the conviction of my
client on such testimony! The law is against _entering_ a house, and
can a man be said to _enter_ a house when only _one-half_ of his body
is _in_, and the other half _out_?" The jury brought in a verdict of
"guilty," as to one-half of his body, from his waist up, and "not
guilty" as to the other half! The judge sentenced the guilty half to
one year's imprisonment, leaving it to the prisoner's option to have
the innocent half cut off, or to take it along with him.
THE OTHER IMPEDIMENT.--569.
A handsome young pedlar made love to a buxom widow in Pennsylvania.
He accompanied his declaration with an allusion to two impediments
to their union. "Name them," said the widow. "The want of means to
set up a retail store." They parted, and the widow sent the pedler a
cheque for ample means. When they met again the pedler had hired and
stocked his store, and the smiling fair one begged to know the other
impediment. "_I have a wife already._"
WONDERFUL, IF TRUE.--570.
A Western hunter and his brother spent a year in and about the Rocky
Mountains. They had two rifles, one bullet, and one keg of powder.
With these, he says, they killed on an average 27 head of buffaloes
a day. The fact that they did all this with one bullet led to the
following cross question:--"How did you kill all these buffaloes with
only one bullet?" "Listen, and I'll explain," said the hunter. "We
shot a buffalo; I stood on one side, and my brother on the other.
Brother fired; the ball passed into the barrel of my rifle. The next
time, I fired, and brother caught my ball in his rifle. We kept up the
hunt for twelve months, killing nearly 200 buffaloes per week, and yet
brought home the same ball we started with."
JONATHAN'S GUESS.--571.
A "notion seller" was offering Yankee clocks highly varnished and
coloured, and with a looking-glass in front, to a certain lady not
remarkable for personal beauty. "Why, it's beautiful," said the
vendor. "Beautiful, indeed! a look at it almost frightens me!" said
the lady. "Then, marm," replied Jonathan, "I guess you'd better buy
one that han't got no looking-glass."
SURE OF IT.--572.
A coloured individual in New York, who was hit on the side of his head
by a rotten tomato which a mischievous boy threw at him, placed his
hand on the spot, and finding some red liquid upon it that he supposed
was blood, dropped upon the pathway, and exclaimed in the anguish of
his heart, "I'se a dead nigger dis time, sure!"
PICTURE-DEALING.--573.
A Boston paper contains this advertisement:--"A great bargain. To
all who may enclose one dollar I will send, post paid, a finely-cut
engraved portrait of George Washington, the Father of his Country,
together with an elegant portrait of Benjamin Franklin. Either
separately at four shillings. Address, H. C. C., ---- Street,
Boston." The fellow actually sent back a three-cent and a one-cent
postage-stamp, ornamented with the finely-engraved heads!
STRETCH OF IMAGINATION.--574.
Ike Johnstone was down to de ingia-rubber store last week, and he
asked me to talk wid de man behind de counter, while he could steal
a pair ob suspenders. So he took hold ob a pair by de end and stowed
dem away down in his pocket, and went out widout unhooken em from de
nail dey was hangin' on; and when he got home he was showin' em to de
old woman, and as he was passin' em ober to her, dey slipp'd fro his
fingers, and flew back to de store wid such force dat dey busted in de
sash, killed de clerk, and knocked all de money out ob de draw.
ADVICE TO DOCTORS.--575.
Have you heard of the Bowery boy who, being cut short in a hard
life by a sore disease which quickly brought him to death's door,
was informed by his physician that medicine could do nothing for
him. "What's my chances, doctor?"--"Not worth speaking of." "One in
twenty?"--"Oh, no." "In thirty?"--"No." "Fifty?"--"I think not." "A
hundred?"--"Well, perhaps there may be one in a hundred." "I say,
then, doctor," pulling him close down, and whispering with feeble
earnestness in his ear, "jest go in like all thunder on that one
chance." The doctor "went in," and the patient recovered.
SETTING THE TIME.--576.
A close-fisted old farmer had a likely daughter, whose opening charms
attracted the attention of a certain young man. After some little
manoeuvring, he ventured to open a courtship. On the first night of
his appearance in the parlour, the old man, after dozing in his chair
until nine o'clock, arose, and putting a log of wood on the fire, said
as he left the room, "There, Nancy, when that log of wood burns out it
is time for James to go home."
REMARKABLY SOCIABLE.--577.
Governor Powell, of Kentucky, was once a great favourite. He never
was an orator, but his conversational, story-telling, and social
qualities were remarkable. His great forte lay in establishing a
personal intimacy with every one he met, and in this he was powerful
in electioneering. He chewed immense quantities of tobacco, but never
carried the weed himself, and was always begging it from every one
he met. His residence was in Henderson, and in coming up the Ohio,
past that place, I overheard the following characteristic anecdote
of Lazarus:--A citizen of Henderson coming on board, fell into
conversation with a passenger, who made some inquiries about Powell.
"Lives in your place, I believe, don't he?"--"Yes; one of our oldest
citizens." "Very sociable man, ain't he?"--"Remarkably so." "Well, I
thought so. I think he is one of the most sociable men I ever met in
all my life. Wonderfully sociable! I was introduced to him over at
Grayson Springs, last summer, and he hadn't been with me ten minutes
when he begged all the tobacco I had, got his feet up in my lap, and
spit all over me! Re-mark-a-bly sociable!"
THE HOUSE THAT JEFF. BUILT.--578.
The _Hartford Post_ says:--
The following history of the celebrated edifice erected by J. Davis,
Esq., is authentic. It was written for the purpose of giving infant
politicians a clear, concise, and truthful description of the
habitation, and the fortunes, and misfortunes, and doings of the
inmates:--
I. THE SOUTHERN CONFEDERACY.--That is the house that Jeff.
built.
II. THE ETHIOPIAN.--This is the malt that lay in the house
that Jeff. built.
III. THE UNDERGROUND RAILROAD.--This is the rat that eat the
malt that lay in the house that Jeff. built.
IV. THE FUGITIVE SLAVE LAW.--This is the cat that killed the
rat that eat the malt that lay in the house that Jeff. built.
V. THE PERSONAL LIBERTY BILL.--This is the dog that worried
the cat that killed the rat that eat the malt that lay in the house
that Jeff. built.
VI. CHIEF JUSTICE TANEY.--This is the cow with crumpled horn
that tossed the dog that worried the cat that killed the rat that eat
the malt that lay in the house that Jeff. built.
VII. JAMES BUCHANAN.--This is the maiden all forlorn that
milked the cow with crumpled horn that tossed the dog that worried the
cat that killed the rat that eat the malt that lay in the house that
Jeff. built.
VIII. C. CESH.--This is the man all tattered and torn that
married the maiden all forlorn that milked the cow with crumpled horn
that tossed the dog that worried the cat that killed the rat that eat
the malt that lay in the house that Jeff. built.
IX. PLUNDER.--This is the priest all shaven and shorn that
married the man all tattered and torn to the maiden all forlorn that
milked the cow with crumpled horn that tossed the dog that worried the
cat that killed the rat that eat the malt that lay in the house that
Jeff. built.
PUZZLED.--579.
At the Sutter House, Sacramento, a New Yorker, newly arrived, was
lamenting his condition, and his folly in leaving an abundance at
home, and especially two beautiful daughters, who were just budding
into womanhood, when he asked the other if he had a family. "Yes,
Sir, I have a wife and six children in New York, and I never saw one
of them." After this reply, the couple sat a few minutes in silence,
and then the interrogator again commenced. "Were you ever blind,
Sir?"--"No, Sir." "Did you marry a widow, Sir?"--"No, Sir." Another
lapse of silence. "Did I understand you to say, Sir, that you had a
wife and six children living in New York, and had never seen one of
them?"--"Yes, Sir, I so stated it." Another and a longer pause of
silence. The interrogator again enquired--"How can it be, Sir, that
you never saw one of them?" "Why," was the response, "_one_ of them
was born after I left." "Oh, ah!" and a general laugh followed. After
that, the first New Yorker was especially distinguished as the man who
has six children and never saw one of them.
THE PAPER COLLARS.--580.
It is said the Southerns captured at Mansfield two waggons loaded
with paper collars, and that General Dick Taylor returned the collars
through a flag of truce, with a letter to General Banks, in which the
facetious rebel said:--"I have boiled, baked, and stewed these things,
and can do nothing with them. We cannot eat them. They are a luxury
for which we have no use, and I would like, therefore, to exchange
them for a like quantity of hard tack." The joke is a good one, and
has convulsed the Western boys, who have no great admiration for the
"Liberator of Louisiana." When the Western troops passed General
Banks's head-quarters, coming into Alexandria, they groaned, jeered,
and called aloud, "How about those paper collars?"
CAUSE AND EFFECT.--581.
Many of the United States papers give with every death they announce
the name of the physician who attended the defunct. The following
specimen, from a New Orleans journal, will show the business-like
manner in which the matter is gone about:--"Died, at his house in
Cotton Street, Jonathan Smith, storekeeper. He was a well-doing
citizen, and deservedly respected. His wife carries on the store.
Gregson physician." The name of the doctor renders the affair complete.
PROFIT AND LOSS.--582.
The keeper of a groggery in New York happened one day to break one
of his tumblers. He stood for a moment looking at the fragments,
reflecting on his loss; and then turning to his assistant, he cried
out, "Tom, put a quart of water into that old Cognac."
THE "NAYGERS."--583.
When the question of the enlistment of the negroes in the Northern
army was first mooted, the following song made its appearance, and
became very popular. It is supposed to be written by one Miles
O'Reilly, a private soldier in the Army of the Potomac. Miles is
altogether an imaginary personage, and is represented by his clever
inventors as the typical Hibernian soldier of the war. The song is
sung to the Irish air of the "Low-backed Car":--
"Some tell us 'tis a burning shame
To make the naygers fight,
And that the thrade of being kilt
Belongs but to the white;
But as for me, upon my sowl--
So liberal are we here--
I'll let Sambo be murther'd instead of myself
On every day in the year.
On every day in the year, boys,
And in every hour of the day,
The right to be killt I'll divide wid him,
And divil a word I'll say.
"In battle's wild commotion
I shouldn't at all object
If Sambo's body should stop a ball
That was coming for me direct.
And the prod of a Southern bagnet--
So generous are we here--
I'll resign, and let Sambo take it
On every day in the year.
So hear me, all boys, darlins,
Don't think I'm tippin' you chaff,
The right to be killt we'll divide wid him,
And give him the largest half."
PICKLED ELEPHANT.--584.
Old Rowe kept a hotel in the northern part of York State, which
he boasted was the best in those parts; where, as he used to say,
you could get anything that was ever made to eat. One day in came
a Yankee. He sent his horse round to the stable, and stepping up
to the bar, asked old Rowe what he could give him for dinner.
"Anything, Sir," said old Rowe; "anything from a pickled elephant
to a canary-bird's tongue." "Wal," says the Yankee, eyeing Rowe, "I
guess I'll take a piece of pickled elephant." Out bustles Howe into
the dining-room, leaving our Yankee friend nonplussed at his gravity.
Presently he comes back again. "Well, we've got 'em; got 'em all
ready, right here in the house; but you'll have to take a whole 'un,
'cause we never cut 'em." The Yankee thought he would take some cod
fish and potatoes.
SAME DRUNK.--585.
A gentleman, finding his servant intoxicated, said, "What, drunk
again, Sam? I scolded you for being drunk last night, and here you
are drunk again." "No, massa; same drunk, massa, same drunk," replied
Sambo.
CATCHING.--586.
"Jem, you've been drinking." "No, I haven't; I've been looking at
another man drinking, and it was too much for me."
TO MAKE LEECHES BITE.--587.
If the leech will not bite, bind him apprentice to a broker for a
week, and his teeth will become so sharp that he will bite through the
bottom of a brass kettle.
LACONIC.--588.
"Hillo, master," said a Yankee to a teamster, who appeared in
something of a hurry, "What time is it?--Where are you going?--How
deep is the creek?--And what is the price of the butter?" "Past one,
almost two--home--waist deep--and elevenpence," was the reply.
AIDS TO MEMORY.--589.
A paper publishes a story in which it is stated that a man who came
very near drowning had a wonderful recollection of every event which
had occurred during his life. There are a _few_ of our subscribers
whom we would recommend to practice bathing in deep water.
SIMMONS ON LIFE.--590.
"What is the use of living?" asked Jack Simmons the other day. "We
are flogged for crying when we are babies, flogged because the master
is cross when we are boys, obliged to toil, sick or well, or starve,
when we are men, to toil still harder when we are husbands, and after
exhausting life and strength in the service of other people, die, and
leave our children to quarrel about the possession of father's watch,
and our wives to catch somebody else."
CUTE EXPEDIENT.--591.
There was a law in Boston against smoking in the street. A down-easter
strutted about the city one day, puffing at a cigar. Up walked the
constable. "Guess your smokin'," he said. "You'll pay two dollars,
stranger." "I ain't smokin'," was the quick response, "try the weed
yourself; it ain't alight." The constable took a pull at the cigar,
and out came a long puff of white smoke. "Guess you'll pay _me_ two
dollars," said the down-easter, quietly. "Wal," replied the constable,
"I calc'late you're considerable sharp. S'pose we liquor."
A MILD ASSERTION.--592.
This is to certify that I have always been bald, and have used up a
barrel of common hair-dye. I accidentally heard of your Invigorator,
and purchased a bottle, and carried it home in my overcoat pocket.
The pocket was full of hair when I got home! I took the bottle and
held it in the sun, when the shadow fell on my head. A thick head of
chestnut-coloured hair grew out in thirty minutes by the watch, all
curled and perfumed. Send me twenty bottles by return mail.
FRIENDLY NOTICE.--593.
The editor of the _Florence Inquirer_ gives the following notice to
one of his friends--"The gentleman who took out of our library the
number of _Graham's Magazine_, is respectfully invited to call again
in about two weeks and get the number for August."
TIPPING THEM LATIN.--594.
Andrew Jackson was once making a stump speech out West in a small
village. Just as he was concluding amen, Kendall, who sat behind
him, whispered, "Tip 'em a little Latin, General; they won't be
content without it." The man of iron instantly thought upon a few
phrases he knew, and in a voice of thunder he wound up his speech by
exclaiming--"_E pluribus unum--sine qua non--ne plus ultra--multum in
parvo_." The effect was tremendous, and the Hoosier's shouts could be
heard for miles.
A SOLID REASON.--595.
A distinguished Southern gentleman, dining at a New York hotel, was
annoyed at a negro servant continually waiting upon him, and desired
him one day at dinner to retire. "Excuse me, Sir," said Cuffy, drawing
himself up, "but I'se 'sponsible for de silver."
SQUASHED.--596.
A romantic youth, promenading in a fashionable street in New York,
picked up a thimble. He stood awhile, meditating upon the probable
beauty of the owner, when he pressed it to his lips, saying, "Oh,
that it were the fair cheek of the wearer!" Just as he had finished,
a stout, elderly negress looked out of an upper window, and said,
"Massa, jist please to bring dat fimble of mine in de entry--I jist
drapt it."
BRIGHT AND BLUE.--597.
I met her in the sunset bright, her gingham gown was blue; her eyes,
that danced with pure delight, were of the same dear hue. And always
when the sun goes down, I think of the girl in the gingham gown.
OYSTERS.--598.
A man seeing an oyster vendor pass by, called out, "Give me a pound
of oysters!" "We sell oysters by measure, not by weight," replied the
other. "Well," said he, "give me a yard of them."
ABSTRACTION.--599.
An editor at a dinner-table being asked if he would take some pudding,
replied in a fit of abstraction, "Owing to a crowd of other matter we
are unable to find room for it."
MODERN DEFINITIONS NOT FOUND IN ANY OF THE ANCIENT DICTIONARIES.--600.
_Hard Times._--Sitting on a cold grindstone and reading the
President's message.
_Love._--A little world within itself intimately connected with shovel
and tongs.
_Genteel Society._--A place where the rake is honoured and the
moralist condemned.
_Poetry._--A bottle of ink thrown over a sheet of foolscap.
_Politician._--A fellow that culls all his knowledge from borrowed
newspapers.
_Patriot._--A man who has neither property nor reputation to lose.
_Independence._--Owing fifty thousand dollars which you never intend
to pay.
_Lovely Woman._--An article manufactured by milliners.
"One wants but little here below,
And wants that little for a _show_."
FIRM FOUNDATION.--601.
The editor of the _Albany Express_ says, the only reason why his
dwelling was not blown away in a late storm was because there was a
heavy mortgage on it.
GALLANT CORRECTION.--602.
An American agricultural society offers premiums to farmers'
daughters--"girls under twenty-one years of age," who shall exhibit
the best lots of butter, not less than 10 lbs. "That's all right,"
says a New York paper, "save the insinuation that some girls are over
twenty-one years of age."
HARD HEARING.--603.
We know a man down East whose hearing is so hard that he broke it up
and sold it for gun-flints.
YANKEE MODESTY.--604.
I cannot bear egotism. I never like to praise myself; but, humanly
speaking, I can double up any two men in these diggings, take the bark
off a tree by looking at it, and bore a hole through a board fence
with my eye. But I don't praise myself. I leave others to give my
character.
A REBUKE.--605.
A Yankee, whose face had been mauled in a pot-house brawl, assured
General Jackson that he had received his scars in battle. "Then," said
Old Hickory, "be careful the next time you run away, and don't look
back."
MONSTER PUNCH-BOWL.--606.
A Kentuckian, on hearing praised the Rutland Punch-bowl, which on the
christening of the young Marquis was built so large that a small boat
was actually set sailing upon it, in which a boy sat, who laddled out
the liquor, exclaimed, "I guess I've seen a bowl that 'ud beat that to
smash; for, at my brother's christening, the bowl was so deep, that
when we young'uns said it warn't sweet enough, father sent a man down
in a diving-bell to stir up the sugar at the bottom."
LONG LIVERS.--607.
The people live uncommon long at Vermont. There are two men there so
old that they have forgotten who they are, and there is nobody alive
who can remember it for them.
REMARKABLE SKIPPER.--608.
It is said that there is a skipper in New York who has crossed the
Atlantic so often that he knows every wave by sight.
YOUTH INDIGNANT.--609.
A lad was subpoenaed as a witness in one of the American courts.
The judge said, "Put the boy upon evidence," upon hearing which young
America exclaimed, "Who are you calling a boy? W'e chewed baccy these
two years."
DANIEL WEBSTER.--610.
The _Salem Register_ tells this good story. Daniel Webster was once
standing in company with several other gentlemen in the Capitol at
Washington, as a drove of mules were going past. "Webster," said one
of the Southern gentlemen, "there go some of your constituents."
"Yes," instantly replied Mr. Webster, "they are going South to teach
school."
THANKS TO HIS HENS.--611.
A man in Missouri planted some beans late one afternoon, and next
morning they were _up_--thanks to his hens.
CONFIDENCE NECESSARY.--612.
The _Boston Post_ says--"All that is necessary for the enjoyment of
sausages is _confidence_."
PAINFUL NECESSITY.--613.
During the long drought of last summer, an American paper says, water
became so scarce in a certain parish that the farmers' wives were
obliged to send their milk to town genuine.
ANSWERED AT ONCE.--614.
An American clergyman, preaching a drowsy sermon, asked, "What is the
price of earthly pleasure?" The deacon, a fat grocer, woke up hastily
from a sound sleep, and cried out lustily, "Seven and sixpence a
dozen."
MORE COPY.--615.
Once in autumn, wet and dreary, sat this writer, weak and weary,
pondering over a memorandum book of items used before--book of
scrawling head notes, rather; items taking days to gather them in hot
and sultry weather, using up much time and leather, pondered we those
times o'er. While we conned them, slowly rocking (through our mind
queer ideas flocking) came a quick and nervous knocking--knocking at
our sanctum door. "Sure, that must be Jinks," we muttered--"Jinks
that's knocking at our door; Jinks, the everlasting bore." Ah, well
do we remind us, in the walls which then confined us, the "exchanges,"
lay behind us, and before us, and around us, all scattered o'er the
floor. Thought we, "Jinks wants to borrow some papers till to-morrow,
and 'twill be relief from sorrow to get rid of Jinks the bore, by
opening wide the door." Still the visitor kept knocking--knocking
louder than before. And the scattered piles of papers, cut some rather
curious capers, being lifted by the breezes coming through another
door; and we wished (the wish was evil, for one deemed always civil)
that Jinks was to the d----l, to stay there evermore; there to find
his level--Jinks the nerve-unstringing bore. Bracing up our patience
firmer, then, without another murmur, "Mr. Jinks," said we, "your
pardon, your forgiveness we implore. But the fact is, we were reading
of some curious proceeding, and thus it was, unheeding your loud
knocking there before." Here we opened wide the door. But phancy now
our pheelins--for it wasn't Jinks the bore--Jinks, nameless, evermore!
But the form that stood before us, caused a trembling to come o'er
us, and memory quickly bore us back again to days of yore--days when
items were in plenty, and where'er this writer went he picked up
interesting items by the score. 'Twas the form of our "devil," in an
attitude uncivil; and he thrust his head within the open door, with
"The foreman's _out o' copy_, sir--he says he wants some more!" Yes,
like Alexander, wanted "more." Now this "local" had already walked
about till nearly dead--he had sauntered through the city till his
feet were very sore--and walked through the street called Market, and
the byways running off into the portions of the city, both public
and obscure; had examined store and cellar, and had questioned every
"feller" whom he met from door to door, if anything was stirring--any
accident occurring--not published heretofore--and he had met with
no success; he would rather guess he felt a little wicked at that
ugly little bore, with the message from the foreman that he wanted
"something more." "Now, it's time you were departing, you scamp!"
cried we, upstarting. "Get you back into your office--office where you
were before--or the words that you have spoken will get your bones all
broken;" (and we seized a cudgel, oaken--that was lying on the floor);
"take your hands out of your pockets, and leave the sanctum door; tell
the foreman there's no copy, you ugly little bore." Quoth the devil,
"send him more." And our devil, never sitting, still is flitting,
still is flitting, back and forth upon the landing, just outside the
sanctum door. Tears adown his cheeks are streaming--strange light from
his eye is beaming--and his voice is heard, still crying, "Sir, the
foreman wants some more." And our soul pierced with the screaming, is
awakened from its dreaming, and has lost the peaceful feeling; for
the fancy will come o'er us, that each reader's face before us, hears
the horrid words--"We want a little more!"--Words on their foreheads
glaring, "Your 'funny' column needs a little more!"
POPPING CORN.--616.
And there they sat a-popping corn,
John Stiles and Susan Cutter;
John Stiles as stout as any ox,
And Susan fat as butter.
And there they sat and shelled the corn,
And raked and stirred the fire,
And talked of different kinds of ears,
And hitched their chairs up nigher.
Then Susan she the popper shook,
Then John he shook the popper,
Till both their faces grew as red
As saucepans made of copper.
And then they shelled and popped and ate,
And kinks of fun a-poking,
And he haw-hawed at her remarks,
And she laughed at his joking.
And still they popped, and still they ate
(John's mouth was like a hopper),
And stirred the fire and sparkled salt,
And shook and shook the popper.
The clock struck nine, the clock struck ten,
And still the corn kept popping:
It struck eleven, and then struck twelve,
And still no signs of stopping.
And John he ate, and Sue she thought--
The corn did pop and patter,
Till John cried out: "The corn's a fire!
Why, Susan, what's the matter?"
Said she, "John Stiles, it's one o'clock;
You'll die of indigestion;
I'm sick of all this popping corn,
Why don't you Pop the Question?"
POWERFUL SERMON.--617.
Judge ---- had noticed for some time that on Monday morning his
Jamaica was considerably lighter than he had left it on Saturday
night. Another fact had established itself in his mind. His son Sam
was missing from the parental pew on Sundays. On Sunday afternoon, Sam
came in and went up stairs very heavy, when the judge put the question
to him: "Sam, where have you been?" "To church, sir," was the prompt
reply.--"What church, Sam?" "Second Methodist, sir."--"Had a good
sermon, Sam?" "Very powerful, sir; it quite staggered me."--"Ah! I
see," said the Judge, "quite powerful!" The next Sunday the son came
home rather earlier than usual, and apparently not so much under the
weather. His father hailed him with, "Well, Sam, been to the Second
Methodist again to-day?" "Yes, sir."--"Good sermon, my boy?" "Fact
was, father, that I couldn't get in; the church was shut up, and a
ticket on the door."--"Sorry, Sam; keep going, you may get good by it
yet." Sam says that on going to the office for his usual refreshment,
he found the "John" empty, and bearing the following label:--"There
will be no service here to-day; the church is temporarily closed."
HUGGING.--618.
An editor in Iowa has been fined two hundred dollars for hugging a
girl in church.--_Early Argus._ Cheap enough! We once hugged a girl
in church some ten years ago, and it has cost a thousand a year ever
since.--_Chicago Young American._
TART.--619.
Mr. Mewins was courting a young lady of some attractions, and
something of a fortune into the bargain. After a liberal arrangement
had been made for the young lady by her father, Mr. Mewins, having
taken a particular fancy to a little brown mare, demanded that it
should be thrown into the bargain; and, upon a positive refusal, the
match was broken off. After a couple of years the parties accidentally
met at a country ball. Mr. Mewins was quite willing to renew the
engagement. The lady appeared not to have the slightest recollection
of him. "Surely you have not forgotten me," said he.--"What name,
sir?" she inquired. "Mewins," he replied; "I had the honour of paying
my addresses to you, about two years ago." "I remember a person of
that name," she rejoined, "who paid his attentions to my father's
brown mare."
WHO FIDDLED.--620.
In the Pennsylvania Legislature, two years ago, there was a member
named Charlie Wilson, from one of the Northern frontier counties,
who considered himself among the great orators of the day, and, when
pretty well filled with "Harrisburg water," would get off for the
edification of his colleagues some very rich illustrations. Being
somewhat interested in a bill before the House, he made what he
considered one of his master-speeches, during the delivery of which he
used the illustration of "Nero fiddling while Rome was burning." He
had scarcely taken his seat when a member tapped him on the shoulder,
and said: "Say, Charlie, it wasn't Nero that 'fiddled,' it was Cæsar.
You should correct that before it goes on the record." In an instant
he was upon his feet, and exclaimed. "Mr. Speaker--Mr. Speaker--I
made a mistake. It wasn't Nero that 'fiddled' while Rome was burning;
it was _Julius Cæsar_." Happily for him, the Speaker was so busily
engaged that he did not hear him; but some members near heard and
enjoyed the joke. Afterwards some one told him that he was right in
the first place, which resulted in his reading all the ancient history
in the State Library during the remainder of the winter, to assure
himself as to who it was that "fiddled."
BONNETS.--621.
An old bachelor, who has evidently been taken in by a love of a
bonnet, thus discourseth:--
"No matter where you may chance to be,
No matter how many women you see--
A promiscuous crowd, or a certain she--
You may fully depend upon it,
That a gem of the very rarest kind,
A thing most difficult to find,
A pet for which we long have pined,
Is a 'perfect love of a bonnet.'"
SAVED THE LEATHER.--622.
An old man, rather elevated, bought a pair of new shoes, and, in
order to save their soles, walked home barefoot. He had not walked
far before his toe was brought too near to a large stone (considering
the latter was the harder of the two). He received a severe blow, and
began limping across the street, shoe in hand, groaning out: "Oh! how
glad I am I hadn't my new shoes on!"
LEGISLATION.--623.
A Virginia lawyer once objected to an expression of the Act of
Assembly of the State of Pennsylvania, that "the State House yard
should be surrounded by a brick wall, and remain an open enclosure
for ever." "But," replied a Pennsylvanian who was present, "I put it
down by that Act of the Legislature of Virginia which is entitled 'A
Supplement to an Act to amend an Act making it penal to alter the mark
of an unmarked hog.'"
WHEN WILL THEY MEET?--624.
There is a curious duel now pending in Boston which began ten years
ago. Mr. A., a bachelor, challenged Mr. B., a married man, with one
child, who replied that the conditions were not equal--that he must
necessarily put more at risk with his life than the other, and he
declined. A year afterwards he received a challenge from Mr. A.,
who stated that he too had now a wife and child, and he supposed,
therefore, the objection of Mr. B. was no longer valid. Mr. B.
replied that he now had two children, consequently the inequality
still subsisted. The next year Mr. A. renewed the challenge, having
now two children also; but his adversary had three. The matter when
last heard from was still going on, the numbers being six to seven,
and the challenge yearly renewed.
THE MILLENNIUM AT HAND.--625.
An editor of a Boston paper thinks that the millennium is at hand, and
gives his reasons. He says that an inspector of long and dry measures
in Baltimore, while going his rounds, cut a full quarter of an inch
from a yard-stick in a dry-goods' store in that city, it being that
much _too long_.
SAYINGS WISE AND WITTY.--626.
It iz highly important that when a man makes up hiz mind tew bekum
a raskal, that he should examine hizself clusly, and see if he aint
better konstrukted for a phool.
I argy in this way; if a man iz right, he kant be too radikal; if he
iz rong, he kant be too consarvatiff.
"Tell the truth, and shame the Devil;" i kno lots ov people who kan
shame the devil eazy enuff, but the tother thing bothers them.
It iz a verry delikate job tew forgive a man, without lowering him in
hiz own estimashun, and yures too.
Az a gineral thing, when a woman wares the britches she haz a good
rite tew them.
It iz admitted now bi evryboddy that the man who kan git fat on
berlony sassage has got a good deal of dorg in him.
Wooman's inflooenze iz powerful, espeshila when she wants ennything.
Sticking up yure noze don't prove ennything, for a sope biler, when he
iz away from his hum, smells evrything.
No man luvs tew git beat, but it iz better tew git beat than tew be
rong.
Don't mistake arroganse for wisdom; menny people hav thought they wuz
wize, when tha waz onla windy.
Men aint apt tew git kicked out ov good society for being ritch.
The rode tew Ruin iz alwus kept in good repair, and the travelers pa
the expense ov it.
If a man begins life bi being a fust Lutenant in hiz familee, he need
never tew look for promoshun.
The only proffit thare is in keeping more than one dorg iz what you
kan make on the board.
Young man, study Defference; it iz the best card in the pack.
Honesta iz the poor man's pork, and the rich man's pudding.
Thare iz a luxury in sumtimes feeling lonesum.
Thare is onla one advantage, that i kan see, in going tew the Devil,
and that iz the rode iz easy, and yu are sure to git there.
Lastly, i am violently oppozed tew ardent speerits as a bevridge; but
for manufakturing purposes i think a leetle ov it tastes good.
JOSH BILLINGS.
HER MARRIAGE GIFT.--627.
A country girl, desirous of matrimony, received from her mistress a
twenty dollar bill for her marriage gift. Her mistress desired to see
the object of Susan's favour, and a diminutive fellow, swarthy as a
Moor, and ill-favoured generally, made his appearance. "Oh, Susan!"
said her mistress, "how small; what a strange choice you have made."
"La, ma'am," answered Sue, "in such hard times as these, when all tall
and handsome fellows are off to the war, what more of a man than this
would you expect for twenty dollars?"
A FINE STREAM.--628.
A Philadelphia judge, well known for his love of jokes, advertised a
farm for sale, with a fine stream of water running through it. A few
days afterwards a gentleman called on him to speak about it. "Well,
judge," said he, "I have been over that farm you advertised for sale
the other day, and find all right, except the find stream of water you
mentioned."--"It runs through the piece of wood in the lower part of
the meadow," said the judge.--"What, that little brook? Why, it does
not hold much more than a spoonful. I am sure if you empty a bowl of
water into it it would overflow. You don't call that a fine stream,
do you?"--"Why, if it was a little finer you couldn't see it at all,"
said the judge, blandly.
KNOWING, AND NOT KNOWING.--629.
"Never go to bed," said a father to his son, "without knowing
something you did not know in the morning." "Yes, sir," replied the
youth, "I went to bed tipsy last night; didn't dream of such a thing
in the morning."
WAR PHRASES.--630.
The Confederates at Atlanta were in the habit of throwing immense
64-pound shells. When these were seen coming, the Federal soldiers
would warn each other by such expressions as "Look out for the
cart-wheel!" "There comes an anchor!" "Look out for that blacksmith's
shop!"
FOND OF SOCIETY.--631.
A lady, who was in the habit of spending a large portion of her
time in the society of her neighbours, happened one day to be taken
suddenly ill, and sent her husband in great haste for a physician. The
husband ran a few rods, but soon returned, exclaiming: "My dear, where
shall I find you when I get back?"
ARTEMUS WARD'S COURTSHIP.--632.
There was many affectin' ties which made one hanker arter Betsy
Jane. Her father's farm joined our'n; their cows and our'n squencht
their thurst at the same spring; our old mares both had stars in
their forreds; the measles broke out in both famerlies at nearly the
same period; our parients (Betsy's and mine) slept regularly every
Sunday in the same meeting-house; and the nabers used to observe:
"How thick the Wards and Peasleys air!" It was a surblime site, in
the spring of the year, to see our sevral mothers (Betsy's and mine)
with their gowns pin'd up so they couldn't sile 'em, affecshuntly
Bilin sope together & aboozin the nabers. Altho' I hanker'd intensly
arter the objeck of my affecshuns, I darsent tell her of the fires
which was rajin in my manly Buzzum. I'd try to do it, but my tung
would kerwollop up agin the roof of my mouth & stick thar, like deth
to a deseast Afrikan, or a country postmaster to his offiss, while
my hart whanged agin my ribs like a old-fashioned wheat Flale agin a
barn floor. 'Twas a carm still nite in Joon. All nater was husht,
and nary zeffer disturbed the sereen silens. I sot with Betsy Jane on
the fense of her father's pastur. We'd bin rompin threw the woods,
kullin flowrs, & drivin the woodchuck from his Native Lair (so to
speak) with long sticks. Wall, we sot thar on the fense, a swingin
our feet two and fro, blushin as red as the Baldinsville skool-house
when it was fust painted, and looking very simple, I make no doubt.
My left arm was ockepied in ballunsin myself on the fense, while my
rite was wounded lovingly round her waste. I cleared my throat, and
tremblinly sed: "Betsy, your'e a Gazelle." I thought that air was
putty fine. I waited to see what effect it would have upon her. It
evidently didn't fetch her, for she up and sed: "Your'e a sheep!" Sez
I: "Betsy, I think very muckly of you." "I don't believe a word you
say, so there now, cum!" with which obsarvashun she hitched away from
me. "I wish thar was winders to my Sole," sed I, "so that you could
see sum of my feelins. Thare's fire enough within," sed I, striking
my buzzum with my fist, "to bile all the corn beef and turnips in
the naberhood. Veersoovius and Critter ain't a circumstance!" She
bow'd her hed down, and commenced chewin the strings to her bonnet.
"Ar, could you know the sleepless nites I worry threw with on your
account; how vittles has seized to be attractive to me, & how my
lims has shrunk up, you wouldn't dowt me. Gaze on this wastin form,
and these 'ere sunken cheeks." I should have continured on in this
strane probly for sum time, but unfortnitly I lost one ballanse and
fell over into the pasture. Ker smash tearin my close, and seveerly
damagin myself ginerally. Betsy Jane sprang to my assistance in dubble
quick time, and dragged me 4th. Then, drawin herself up to her full
hite, sed: "I won't listen to your noncents no longer. Jes say rite
strate out what your'e drivin at. If you mean gettin hitched, I'M
IN!" I considered that air enuff for all practical purposes,
and we proceeded immejitly to the parson's, and was made 1 that very
nite. I've parst through many tryin ordeels sins then, but Betsy Jane
has bin troo as steel. By attending strickly to bizness I've amarsed
a handsome Pittance. No man on this footstool can rise and git up &
say I ever knowingly injered no man or wimmin folks, while all agree
that my Show is ekalled by few and excelled by none, embracin, as it
does, a wonderful colleckshun of livin wild Beests of Pray, snaix in
great profushun, a endless variety of life-size wax figgers, & the
only traned Kangaroo in Ameriky--the mos amoozin little cuss ever
introjuced to a discriminatin public, at the small charge of 15 sents.
COLONEL CROCKETT AND THE 'COON.--633.
I discovered a long time ago that a 'coon couldn't stand my grin. I
could bring one tumbling down from the highest tree. I never wasted
powder and lead when I wanted one of the creatures. Well, as I was
walking out one night, a few hundred yards from my house, looking
carelessly about me, I saw a 'coon planted upon one of the highest
limbs of an old tree. The night was very moony and clear, and old
Ratler was with me; but Ratler won't bark at a 'coon--he's a queer
dog in that way. So I thought I'd bring the lark down in the usual
way, _by a grin_. I set myself--and, after grinning at the 'coon a
reasonable time, found that he didn't come down. I wondered what was
the reason, and I took another steady grin at him. Still he was there.
It made me a little mad. So I felt round, and got an old limb about
five feet long, and planting one end upon the ground, I placed my chin
upon the other, and took a rest. I then grinned my best for about five
minutes, but the cursed 'coon hung on. So, finding I could not bring
him down by grinning, I determined to have him, for I thought he must
be a droll chap. I went over to the house, got my axe, returned to the
tree, saw the 'coon still there, and began to cut away. Down it come,
and I run forward; but d----n the 'coon was there to be seen. I found
that what I had taken for one was a large knot upon a branch of the
tree, and, upon looking at it closely, I saw that _I had grinned all
the bark off, and left the knot perfectly smooth_.
MODESTY.--634.
"Modesty," says a Yankee editor, "is a quality that highly adorns a
woman, but ruins a man."
SELF-EVIDENT KNOWLEDGE.--635.
A Yankee soldier who read his name in the list of deaths at an
hospital, wrote home that he didn't believe it. In fact, he knew the
statement was a falsehood as soon as he read it.
OBSTINACY CURED.--636.
A juror held out against his eleven companions in Santa Cruz,
California. The others, after trying all other means, finally agreed
to send in a verdict of "Guilty," with the addition, that the
obstinate member was a great rascal, and confederate of the prisoner.
He thereupon gave in.
NERVE OF FEELING.--637.
A Southern paper says that "a Yankee's chief nerve of feeling is in
his pocket."--"A rebel is more apt to feel in his neighbour's pocket,"
replies a Northern journal.
TWO MUCH ICE.--638.
A correspondent tells of a chap who was drinking at a bar, and withal
being tolerably tight, after several ineffectual attempts to raise
the glass to his lips, succeeded in getting it high enough to pour
the contents inside his shirt-collar, and set the glass down with the
exclamation, "That's good, but a little too much ice, landlord!"
ALL-HEALING.--639.
A Mormon, named Nichols, made a nerve and bone all-healing salve,
and thought he would experiment a little with it. He first cut off
his dog's tail, and applied some to the stump. A new tail grew out
immediately. He then applied some to the piece of the tail which he
cut off, and a new dog grew out. He did not know which dog was which.
PUTTING A GOOD FACE ON IT.--640.
A writer in the _Chicago Post_ describes how he got out of a bad
scrape in a police-court:--"The next morning the judge of the
police-court sent for me. I went down, and he received me cordially.
Said he heard of the wonderful things I had accomplished by knocking
down five persons, and assaulting six others, and was proud of me.
I was a promising young man, and all that. Then he offered a toast,
'Guilty or Not Guilty?' I responded in a brief but elegant speech,
setting forth the importance of the occasion that had brought us
together. After the usual ceremonies, I was requested to lend the city
ten dollars."
OBEYING ORDERS.--641.
An officer down in Georgia tells the following story:--"One night
General ---- was out on the line, and observed a light by the side of
the mountain opposite. Thinking it was a signal light of the enemy,
he remarked to his artillery officer that a hole could easily be put
through it. Whereupon the officer, turning to the corporal in charge
of the gun, said, 'Corporal, do you see that light?' 'Yes, sir.' 'Put
a hole through it,' ordered the captain. The corporal sighted the gun,
and when all was ready he looked up and said, 'Captain, that's the
moon!' 'Don't care for that,' was the captain's ready response, 'put a
hole through it any how.'"
NOT EXACTLY.--642.
An Indiana man was travelling down the Ohio in a steamer, with a mare
and a two-year-old colt, when by a sudden career of the boat, all
three were tilted into the river. The Indiana man, as he rose puffing
and blowing above water, caught hold of the tail of the colt, not
having a doubt that the natural instinct of the animal would take
him ashore. The old mare took a direct line for the shore; but the
frightened colt swam lustily down the current with the owner. "Let
go the colt and hang on the old mare," shouted some of his friends.
"Pooh, pooh!" exclaimed the Indiana man, spouting the water from his
mouth, and shaking his head like a Newfoundland dog; "it's mighty
fine, you telling me to leave go the colt; but to a man that can't
swim, this ain't exactly the time for changing horses!"
THE ANGLER CAUGHT.--643.
"In the summer of 1823," says an American writer, "when a mere lad, I
was at Swift's, in Sandwich. My then schoolmaster was there also, and
from him I had the tale. John Brown was the well-known _sobriquet_
of the fisherman who attended amateur anglers on their excursions.
John was not remarkable for his veracity, but quite otherwise, when
his success with the hook and line was the 'subject of his story.'
One day he was out with Daniel Webster. Both were standing in the
brook, patient waiters for a bite, when Mr. Webster told John how he
caught a large, a very large, trout on a former time. 'Your honour,'
said John, 'that was very well for a gentleman. But once, when I was
standing down by yonder bush, I took a fish, weighing'--I forget how
much, but of course many ounces more than the great lawyer's big fish.
'Ah! John, John,' exclaimed Mr. Webster, 'you are an am_phib_ious
animal--_you lie in the water, and you lie out of it_!'"
SPLENDID FIRING.--644.
They have pretty good marksmen in Vermont. Brown was telling Smith,
of New Hampshire, the skill of a Green Mountain hunter. "Why," said
he, "I have seen him take two partridges and let them both go--one in
front and the other behind him; and he would fire and kill the one
in front, and then whirl round and kill the other." "Did he have a
double-barrelled gun?" enquired Smith. "Of course he did." "Well,"
replied Smith, "I saw a man do the same thing with a _single-barrel_."
Brown didn't believe the thing possible, and said so.
CHARGED AND DISCHARGED.--645.
A fellow charged with stealing a hoe was discharged upon trial, it
being proved that the article taken was an axe. The affair turned out
a regular _ho-ax_.
COLONEL CROCKETT.--646.
Said he, "And who are you?" "I'm that same David Crockett, fresh from
the backwoods, half horse, half alligator, a little touched with the
snapping turtle; can wade the Mississipi, leap the Ohio, ride upon a
streak of lightning, and slip without a scratch down a honey locust;
can whip my weight in wild cats--and if any gentleman pleases, for a
ten dollar bill, he may throw in a panther--hug a bear too close for
comfort, and eat any man opposed to General Jackson."
AGRICULTURAL RETURNS.--647.
A farmer in the West once planted his onions close to his poppies, and
the consequence was they grew so sleepy that he never could get them
out of their beds.
FRANKLIN AND HANCOCK.--648.
"We must be unanimous," observed Hancock, on the occasion of signing
the declaration of American Independence; "there must be no pulling
different ways." "Yes," observed Franklin, "We must all hang together,
or most assuredly we shall all hang separately."
HENRY CLAY.--649.
The following description of Henry Clay appeared in the _Knickerbocker
Magazine_; it is needless to say it is by a Western man:--"He is a
man, and no mistake! Nature made him with her _sleeves rolled up_."
NATURAL MISTAKE.--650.
A gentleman at the Astor House table, New York, asked the person
sitting next to him if he would please to pass the mustard. "Sir,"
said the man, "do you mistake me for a waiter?" "Oh no, Sir," was the
reply, "I mistook you for a gentleman."
_LITERATURE._--651.
An American writer says, "Poetry is the flour of literature; prose is
the corn, potatoes, and meat; satire is the aqua-fortis; wit is the
spice and pepper; love letters are the honey and sugar; and letters
containing remittances are the apple-dumplings."
THOMAS JEFFERSON.--652.
Thomas Jefferson, when Minister to France, being presented at Court,
some eminent functionary remarked, "You replace Dr. Franklin, Sir." "I
_succeed_ Dr. Franklin," was Mr. Jefferson's prompt reply, "no man can
_replace_ him."
BORROWING THE BABY.--653.
All owners of interesting children will be amused by the following,
from the _Boston Daily American_:--A gentleman and lady of that
city were blessed with a beautiful child about a year old, which
attracted so much attention from their neighbours, that the young
ladies opposite frequently sent over to "borrow the baby." After being
obliged to send for the child several times, Mr. ----, on coming home
to dinner one day, got out of temper on finding it gone as usual.
"There, Jane," said he, "go over to the Misses ---- and get the baby;
give them my compliments, and tell them I wish they had a baby of
their own, and were not obliged to borrow."
FORCIBLE EVICTION.--654.
Meeting an American friend travelling in the United States, I enquired
whither he was going? "Why," said he, "I guess I'm going to take
possession of an estate of mine, and I calculate I will have to shoot
down my predecessors."
BOXES AND PIT.--655.
Wemyss, a famous theatrical manager in Philadelphia, quitted the
business, and opened instead a large store for the sale of patent
medicines. A friend dryly remarked that he would no doubt be
successful in filling both _boxes_ and _pit_.
A SWIFT HORSE.--656.
The _Maine Farmer_ tells a number of tough stories about a man whom
it calls "Neverbeat." Here is one:--A gentleman was boasting in the
presence of Neverbeat about the speed of his horse, which, he said,
would trot a mile inside of three minutes, and follow it for three
miles. "A mile inside of three minutes aint much to brag about,"
said Neverbeat. "Why, the other day I was up to S----, sixteen miles
distant; just as I started for home, a shower came sweeping on. The
rain struck in the back part of the waggon; and the moment it struck,
I hit old Kate a cut with the whip, away she trotted, scarcely
touching her fore feet to the ground. She kept just nip and nip with
the shower. _The waggon was filled with water, but not a drop fell on
me._"
PASSING THE COW TO THE CALF.--657.
An American dandy who wanted the milk passed to him at an hotel, thus
asked for it: "Landlady, please to pass your cow down this way." The
landlady thus retorted: "Waiter, take this _cow_ down to where the
_calf_ is bleating."
NATURE AND ART.--658.
An American, fresh from the magnificent woods and rough clearings,
was one day visiting the owner of a beautiful seat in Brooklyn;
and, walking with him through a little grove, out of which all the
underbrush had been cleared, paths had been nicely cut and gravelled,
and the rocks covered with woodbine, suddenly stopped, and, admiring
the beauty of the scene, lifted up his hands and exclaimed: "This I
like! This is Nature--_with her hair combed_."
NEARING IT BY DEGREES.--659.
"Mrs. Green," said a tolerably dressed female, entering a grocery
store, in which were several customers, "have you any fresh-corned
pork?" "Yes, ma'am." "How much is this sugar a pound?" "One shilling,
ma'am." "Let me have," she continued, lowering her voice, "half a pint
of gin, and charge it as sugar on the book."
AN APT PUPIL.--660.
A farmer once hired a Vermonter to assist him in drawing logs. The
Yankee, when there was a log to lift, generally contrived to secure
the smallest end, for which the farmer chastised him, and told him
always to take the butt end. Dinner came and with it a sugar-loaf
Indian pudding. Jonathan sliced off a generous portion of the largest
part, giving the farmer the wink, and exclaimed: "_Always take the
butt end._"
POETS.--661.
I never seen a poet that warn't as poor as Job's turkey, or a church
mouse; nor a she-poet that her shoes didn't go down to heel, and her
stockings looked as if they wanted darnin'; for its all cry and little
wool with poets.--_Sam Slick._
GIN AND WATER.--662.
"Mister, your sign has fallen down!" cried a temperance man to a
grog-shop keeper, before whose door a drunken man was prostrate.
We don't know, says a paper, whether this temperance man was the
same into whose store a customer reeled, exclaiming, "Mr. ----, do
you--keep--a-ny--thing--good to take here?" "Yes, we have excellent
cold water; the best thing in the world to take." "Well, I know
it," was the reply, "there is no one--thing--that's done so much
for--navigation--as that."
THE "STEAL PEN."--663.
A Western editor complains that all the good things in his paper are
cut and inserted in other papers, without acknowledgment of the source
whence they are obtained. He says, "they do not render unto scissors
the things that are scissors'."
A PILE OF JOKES.--664.
Speaking of wags--what is more waggish than a dog's tail when he is
pleased? Speaking of tails--we always like those that end well: Hogg's
for instance. Speaking of hogs--we saw one of those animals the other
day lying in the gutter, and in the one opposite a well-dressed man;
the first one had a ring in his nose, and the latter a ring on his
finger. The man was drunk; the hog was sober. "A hog is known by the
company he keeps," thought we; so thought Mr. Porker, and off he went.
Speaking of "going off" puts us in mind of a gun we once owned--it
"went off" one night, and we have not seen it since. Speaking of guns
reminds us of powder--we saw a lady yesterday with so much of it on
her face that she was refused admission into an omnibus for fear of an
explosion.
OBITUARY NOTICE.--665.
The _Christian Index_ (U. S.) thus prefaces an obituary:--"But a
week since we recorded the death of one who was an old father in the
church, a careful reader of the _Index_, and who paid for three papers
in advance."
AN INFANT TEACHER.--666.
Under the title of "An Odd Advertisement," a New York paper publishes
the following:--"A young lady, perfectly competent, wishes to form
a class of young mothers and nurses, to instruct them in the art of
talking to infants in such a manner as will interest and please them."
QUADRUPLICATED PUN.--667.
A comedian at Boston, by way of puff for his approaching benefit,
published the following lines:--
"Dear Public, you and I of late
Have dealt so much in fun;
I'll crack you now a monstrous great
Quadruplicated pun!
"Like a _grate full_ of coals I'll glow,
A _great full_ house to see;
And if I am not _grateful_, too,
A _great fool_ I must be!"
BUCOLIC STUPIDITY.--668.
We saw a venerable looking cow yesterday, says the _Cincinnati
Herald_, eating pine sawdust, under the impression that it was bran.
She didn't find out her mistake until night, when it was found that
she gave turpentine instead of milk.
LIFE IN KENTUCKY.--669.
The following story of "Life in Kentucky" being in print ought, of
course to be believed:--"Early one morning the shouts and cries of a
female were heard. All ran to the spot. When they arrived they saw a
man and a bear engaged in combat. They had it hip and thigh, up and
down, over and under, the man's wife standing by and hallooing 'fair
play.' The company ran up and insisted on parting them. 'No, no,' said
the woman, 'let them fight it out; for it's the first fight I ever saw
that I didn't care which whipped!'"
AMERICAN PROVERBS AND SIMILES.--670.
AMBITION is as hollow as the soul of an echo.
TIDE, steamboats, and soda-water will wait for no
one.
BIG feet, like a leather shirt, are more for use
than ornament.
MONEY slips from the fingers like a water-melon
seed, travels without legs, and flies without wings.
IT is the lot of humanity to err at times, as
the drunken man said when he mistook the pig-pen for his
bedroom.
A GOOD deed will stick out, with an inclination to
spread, like the tail of a peacock.
YOU might as well undertake to whistle a
grape-vine from a white oak, as to induce a girl to
relinquish her lover.
SIMILES.--671.
AS big as all out of doors.
AS dry as the clerk of a lime-kiln.
AS long as a thanksgiving sermon.
AS crooked as a Virginian fence.
AS straight as a loon's leg.
AS straight as a shingle.
AS sharp as the little end of nothing.
AS slick as greased lightning.
AS swelling as a basket of chips.
AS happy as a clam at high water.
AS tight as the bark of a tree.
AS crazy as a bed-bug.
AS mad as all wrath.
AS wrathy as a militia officer on a training-day.
AS proud as a tame turkey.
AS melancholy as a Quaker meeting-house by moonlight.
AS useless as whistling psalms to a dead horse.
LIKE all nature.
LIKE all fury.
LIKE all possessed.
THRASHING round, like a short-tailed bull in fly-time.
HEAD and tail up, like chicken cocks in laying-time.
INDEX.
PAGE
Absence of Mind, 50, 52, 85
Abstraction, 187
Adopting the Other Course, 158
Advantage of Burning Two Candles, 2
Advice to Doctors, 179
Advice to Parents, 49
After Joining Church, 43
Agreeable Customer, An, 19
Agreeing with all the Girls, 134
Agricultural Returns, 202
Aids to Memory, 184
All-Healing, 200
All Human, 87
All Well, 41
Amende Honourable, 177
American Competition, 152
American Curiosity, 176
American Definitions, 152
American Estimate of their Clergy, 9
American Help, An, 174
American Notion of Villany, 94
American Platform, 86
American Proverbs, 207
American Similes, 207
American Soil, 149
"And That's a Fact", 104
Angler Caught, The, 201
Another Burst of Eloquence, 109
Another Discovery, 96
Answered at Once, 189
Answering an Advertisement, 168
Antediluvian Diet, 61
Any Better than None, 154
Any Relations, 140
Appropriate Gift, An, 115
Apt Pupil, An, 205
Artistic Execution, 146
Awkward Coincidence, 95
Baby Story, A, 16
Bachelorism a Luxury, 22
Backwoods Conversation, 173
Big Puff, A, 67
Billings, Josh., Insures his Life, 83
Billings, Josh., Sayings of, 99, 196
Billings, Josh., on Horses, 175
Billy Bray, 28
Black Bull, A, 160
Blind Phrenologist of St, Louis, 135
Bonnets, 194
Borrowing the Baby, 203
Boxes and Pit, 204
"Braggin' saves Advertisin'", 113
Breakfast in Bed, 129
Brigham Young's Wives, 91
Bright and Blue, 186
Brother of Four Million Children, 63
Bucolic Stupidity, 207
"Bus" in the Cars, A, 132
Business and Affliction, 5
Candid Parson, A, 12
Canine Resemblance, 69
Captain's Pudding, The, 123
Catching, 184
Caught Unawares, 32
Cause and Effect, 182
Cautious Witness, A, 72
Changes, 141
Charged and Discharged, 202
Chasing a Locomotive, 135
Cheap Treat, A, 83
Chickens in Tennessee, The, 21
Citizen of all the States, A, 30
Claiming Exemption, 122
Clay, Henry, 203
Clergyman and the Lawyer, 110
Climacteric Sublimity, 107
Close Witness, A, 88
Cold Picture, A, 37
Colonel answered, The, 12
Colt's Arms _v._ Colt's Legs, 126
Columbus and the Egg, 117
Columbus's Discovery, 106
Complimentary, 168
Conclusive, 114
Condensed Novel, A, 25
Conditional Forgiveness, 87
Confession of a Clergyman, 95
Confidence Necessary, 189
Cool Customer, A, 22
Coolness, 106
Cords of Hymen, The, 82
Corking up Daylight, 16
Critical, 162
Criminal didn't see it, 72
Crockett, Colonel, and the 'Coon, 199
Crockett, Colonel, 202
Crooked Stick, The, 115
Cross Purposes, 20
Couldn't help it, in fact, 43
Couldn't make an Impression, 108
Couple of Reasons too many, A, 3
Cuff's Cabin, 157
Cure for Fainting, 82
Curing Two Afflictions, 164
Curiosities of American Speech, 55
Curious Event, 57
Cute Expedient, 185
Cutting, 168
Damaging the Engine, 128
Darkie's Wish, The, 168
Date Wanted, The, 105
"Dat's de Mystery", 126
Debt of Nature, The, 160
"De Dissolution of Coparsnips", 17
Delicate Cut, A, 128
Democrats _v._ Republicans, 102
Demosthenes not Dead, 33
Diamond Cut Diamond, 54
Didn't care, then, if he did, 140
Dinner, but no Breakfast, 159
Disconsolate, 147
Disinterested Lieutenant, A, 122
Distant Friend, A, 167
Domestic Economy, 50
Double Difficulty, A, 143
Doubtful, 144
Dow, Junior, 84
Do you Smoke?, 78
Drawing the Long Bow, 7
Dying Soldier and his Mother, 68
Dry Joke in a Dry Goods' Store, A, 26
Dull Members, 171
Early Rising in Connecticut, 1
Eclipsing Himself, 151
Editorial Fix, 110
Editorial Horse, An, 102
Editorial Tribulations, 54
Editors Exchanging Compliments, 92
Editors' Wives, 142
Effective Remonstrance, 147
Effect of Eloquence, The, 80
Egg "Brof", 3
Either Way will do, 96
Elbow-Room Scarce, 3
Emerson and Parker, 101
English Grammar, 40
Enthusiastic Newsvendor, 119
Epigram on Lincoln, 149
Everett and Judge Story, 163
Excessive Politeness, 53
Excuse for Drinking, 142
Exempt decidedly, 97
Extraordinary Absence of Mind, 102
Extraordinary Crow, 49
Extraordinary Motto, 52
Eye to Business, An, 130
Failed for a Good Reason, 19
Fair Retort, A, 161
Falling in Love, 171
Familiar Acquaintance, 151
Fancy her Feelings, 85
Feeling her Way, 18
Female Admirable Crichton, 102
Fine Stream, A, 196
Fine Writing, 107
"Fire at the Crisis", 173
Firm Foundation, 187
First Marriage, The, 42
Five Outs and One In, 151
Floating Population, A, 102
Fond of Society, 197
Forcible Eviction, 204
Forensic Eloquence, 18
Forest-Born Orator, A, 70
Forlorn Hope, 146
4-tunate Young Man, A, 2
Four Points of a Case, 2
Franklin, Dr., 161
Franklin and Hancock, 203
Friendly Notice, 185
Gallant Correction, 187
Gem, A, 165
General no Pattern, The, 175
German Wines, 175
Getting down a Ladder, 98
Gin and Water, 205
Gone Home, 137
Good Eyesight, 172
Governor and the Justice, The, 119
Graham System, The, 13
Grandpa's Spectacles, 71
Grant, General, 172
Great Scarcity, 123
Great Traveller, A, 136
Grieving for a Wife, 105
Grim Welcome, 22
Guarded Answer, A, 78
Habitual Thirst, 170
Habits of a Great Man, 28
Half Guilty, 177
Hairs, not Bristles, 60
Happiest of Vowels, The, 117
Hard Feathers, 163
Hard Hearing, 187
Hard Lying, 4
Hard Scrabble, 90
Hard up 73, 144
Having the Coffin Handy, 41
He had him that time, 17
Heady, 172
Heavenly Bodies, The, 117
Heavy Top-Dressing, 60
Height of Meanness, The, 105
Hen Persuaders, 70
Her Marriage Gift, 196
Her Poor Jerry, 130
Highly Probable, 103
His First Step, 64
His Reasons for Leaving, 133
His Wife's Cousin, 66
Holding the Stakes, 74
Homely Flag of Truce, 16
Horrified Dandy, A, 27
Hot Pies, 57
Hotel Accommodation in the South, 81
Hotel Rules at the "Diggins", 79
Household Words, 132
How a "Copperhead" was Shaved, 10
How Ale strengthened him, 67
How Mr. Lincoln shakes Hands, 89
How Sam was Caught, 84
How to do Business, 97
How to get a Seat, 95
How to go Mad, 101
Huggin', 192
Human Nature, 138
Hunting up a Soft Place, 39
I would if I could, 90
Illegible Manuscripts, 88
"I'm the Baggage", 20
In Black and White, 77
In Love with the Devil, 89
Incident and Epigram, An, 137
Inducement to Young People, 102
Inducement Unnecessary, 148
Infant Teacher, An, 206
Infantile Idea of Distance, 126
Inflammable and Dangerous, 51
Ingenious Boot-Black, 35
Inquiring Mind, An, 23
Insinuating Rejoinder, 156
Interesting Announcement, 142
Interesting Experiment, 99
Interesting to the Parties concerned, 14
Interrupting the Sermon, 84
Irish Bull at Bull's Run, An, 131
Irish Exhortation, 89
Irish Negro, 99
It follows, 175
Jefferson, Thomas, 203
Jemmy O'Neil and President Jackson, 61
Jew D'Esprit, A, 157
Job's Patience--as viewed by a Lady, 38
John and the Widdah, 150
Joke by Jenkins, A, 104
Joke by the President, 143
Jonathan's Guess, 178
Jonathan of All Trades, 167
Judge and his Coachman, The, 75
Judgment of Solomon, The, 6
Just got Married, 137
Keen and Significant, 85
Keeping a Secret, 139
Kind and Sympathetic, 138
Kissing by Proxy, 146
Kissing in Wisconsin, 13
Knocking at the Church Door, 24
Knowing and Not Knowing, 197
Knowing Contraband, A, 172
Knowing Juryman, A, 15
Laconic, 184
Lagging Compliment, A, 121
Lapse of Ages, The, 111
Last Compliment, The, 161
Latest Dog Story, 147
Latest Way, The, 136
Law of Compensation, The, 108
Learned Members of the American Legislature, The, 11
Lee, Gen., and a Son of Erin, 125
Lee, Gen., to General Meade, 158
Legal Advice under Singular Circumstances, 79
Legal Toast, A, 86
Legislation, 194
Letter R, The, 130
Letter S, The, 144
Libellous Assertion, 98
Life in Kentucky, 207
Lincoln on Nigger Mathematics, 37
Literature, 203
Littles, 58
Loafer's Hat, The, 160
Lobster Salad, 43
Logs Wanted, 50
Logic of Congress, 126
Lone Nigger, A, 97
Long and Short of it, 106
Longfellow and Longworth, 141
Long Livers, 188
Look on this Picture and on this, 50
Looking for a Situation, 77
Love-Letter Ink, 163
Lovers' Leap, The, 168
Low-necked Frocks, 100
Luminous Evidence, 68
Lying at the Top, The, 113
"Mails" and Females, 107
Major Downing in London, 154
Making a Man's Coffin before his Death, 7
Marriage Notices, 16
Marriage and Single Blessedness, 69
Meade, Gen., to Gen. Lee, 158
Meat Baby, A, 110
Mighty Thick Fog, A, 57
Mild Assertion, A, 185
Military Tactics, 145
Military Veracity of the North, 3
Millennium at Hand, The, 195
Milwaukee Eloquence, 60
Minister's Reception, The, 108
Mixing the Babies, 30
Model Advertisements, 111
Modern Definitions, 187
Modest Linendraper, A, 137
Modesty, 199
Monster Punch-Bowl, 188
Mooted Question, A, 97
More Copy, 189
More Laughable than Logical, 107
Most too Sudden, 140
Much Virtue in an "If", 167
My Pew, Sir!, 6
Naming Children in America, 106
Nature and Art, 155, 205
Natur's Balances, 149
Natural Mistake, 203
"Naygers," The, 183
Nearing it by Degrees, 205
Negro Sermon, 71
Nerve of Feeling, 200
Nest Egg, The, 44
New, if not True, 164
New Dish, A, 160
Newspaper Borrowers, To, 34
New Way to affix a Stamp, 115
Niagara Falls from Four Points of View, 126
Nice Girl, A, 48
Nigger Explanation, 157
No Doubt, 38
No Justice in that Court, 140
No Patients Living, 72
No Place like Home, 128
No Vices, 173
Nonsense about Love, 144
Not Exactly, 201
Not for Want, 121
Not Particular, 112
Not so, 47
Not to be Done, 32
Not to be wondered at, 76
Not Willing to Die, 130
Note by the Editor, 147
Novel Commentary by a Parson, 42
Novel Effect of a Second Marriage, 103
Novel Hint from the Pulpit, 86
Novel Proposition, 141
Novel Telegraphic Message, 129
Novel Verdict, A, 94
Obeying Orders, 201
Obituary Notice, 206
Objecting to Missions, 64
Obstinacy Cured, 200
Ode on Gas, An, 54
Odd Excuse for not being Hung, 19
Odd Names, 79
Of course not, 101
Ohio Democracy, The, 48
"Old Brains", 119
Old Hen and Chickens, The, 21
Old King's Arm, The, 89
Ole Harry and Ole Nick, 46
One of the Press, 109
Only the Eleventh, 1
"Open Thy Cupboard to Me", 148
Openness of Countenance, 74
Origin of "Some Punkin", 62
Original Brother Jonathan, The, 116
Other Impediment, The, 178
Other Side, The, 91
Our Bob, 127
Out-Yankeed, 10
Oysters, 186
"Paddle your own Canoe", 34
Painful Necessity, 189
Painting to the Life, 117
Paper Collars, The, 182
Parental Advice, 42
Parting Friends, 97
Passing the Cow, 204
Pay your Postage, 15
Perils of the Fourth Estate, 111
Perpetual Motion, 152
Personal, 95
Pete's Expectations, 77
Pickled Elephant, 183
Picture Dealing, 179
Pile of Jokes, A, 206
Pithy Letter, 13
Plain enough, 109
Plain Spoken, 165
Plump Question, 81
Poetical Editor, A, 72
Poetical Patchwork, 112
Poetry and Prose, 138
Poets, 205
Pointed Retort, 129
Polite Man, A, 106
Politics, 172
Poor Couple, A, 102
Poor Preaching, 169
Popping Corn, 191
Popping the Question, 70, 165
Powerful Sermon, 192
"Preach Small", 4
Precept and Practice, 161
Presented at Court, 162
President Jackson, 61
President Lincoln, Epigram on, 149
President Lincoln on Nigger Mathematics, 37
President Lincoln's First Political Speech, 151
President and the Marshal, The, 156
President's Voice, The, 10
Presidential Puns, 73
Pretence, 148
Pretended Pelham, A, 159
Printers' Mistakes, 108
Printer's Toast, A, 154
Profit and Loss, 182
Profitless Teaching, 120
Prompt Reply, A, 84
Proverbs, 91
Providing for Bills, 125
Putting a Good Face on it, 200
Putting forward his Creed, 47
Pugnacious Ram, The, 27
Puzzled, 181
Puzzled Judge, A, 34
Quadruplicated Pun, 207
Quaker's Excuse for Firing, 62
Quaker Woman's Sermon, 128
Qualifications for a Parson, 103
Queer Cup of Coffee, A, 7
Queer Queries, 78
Question for Astronomers, A, 104
Question for Question, 166
Quizzing a Witness, 155
Quoting his Father, 118
Rare Printer, A, 51
Rat Story, A, 78
Rather Cute, 86
Real Heavy Gale, A, 114
Reasonable Instinct, 162
Reason for Dear Cream, A, 49
Reasons for not Joining Church, 89
Reasons enough, 100
Rebuke, A, 188
Remarkable Chambermaid, 156
Remarkable Dream, 43
Remarkable Man, A, 52
Remarkable Skipper, 188
Remarkable Tenacity of Life, 8
Remarkably Sociable, 180
Receipt in Full, A, 153
Returned Soldier's Letter, 73
Rivalling Nature, 95
Rough Bedfellow, A, 163
Sad Scarcity of Paper, 105
Saddest Sight, The, 38
Salary not so much an Object, 124
Sambo and Cuffee, 54
Sambo's Suspicion, 127
Sam's Soul, 9
Same Drunk, 184
Satisfactory Reason, A, 88
Saved the Leather, 194
Saving the Truth, 156
Sayings Wise and Witty, 195
Scene in an American Court, 24
Schoolmaster Abroad, The, 167
Scientific Agreement, 38
Scipio's Wife, 68
Scripture Names, 22
Securing his Trunk, 26
Self-evident Knowledge, 199
Sensations of a Down-Easter, 141
Sensible Woman, A, 96
Setting the Time, 180
Settling the Wine Bill, 145
Sharp Child, 80
Sharp Shooting, 1
Shedding their Last Blood, 129
"Shell in de Stove," A, 53
Shrewd Nigger, A, 174
Short and Expressive, 83
Simile, A, 150
Similes, 208
Simmons on Life, 185
Simplicity, 15
Slashing Article, A, 94
Slick's, Sam, Description of a Teetotaller, 151
Slick's, Sam, Geology, 172
Slick, Sam, on Happiness, 121
Slick's, Sam, Wise Saws, 143
Slight Difference, 177
Small Loaves, 1
Small Waists and Tight Lacing, 157
Smart Railway _Employé_, 63
Smiles, 146
Snip, 173
Snorers, To, 35
Snoring in Church, 163
Snubbing a Lawyer, 98
So Humane, 113
Soap coming Handy, 25
Soldier's Farewell, A, 76
Solemn Hour, A, 90
Solid Reason, A, 186
Something like a Good Shot, 51
Sonnet instead of a Bonnet, A, 21
Sound Advice, 15
Spare Girl, A, 115
Sparing his Feelings, 101
Speaking his Deep Emotions, 59
Spectacles and Bible Reading, 52
Splendid Firing, 202
Spiritualism Extraordinary, 59
Squashed, 186
Stage-Struck Hoosier, 75
"Steal Pen," The, 206
Steam Defined, 132
Stoning Stephen, 170
Story with a Moral, 18
Strange Peculiarities, 22
Stretch of Imagination, 179
Striking Definition, 103
Striking Effect of a Strike, 28
Striking Lesson, A, 122
Striking Resemblance, 150
Strong Inducement, 131
Stump Orator, A, 12
Styling the Firm, 156
Sublime and Ridiculous, 96
Substituting one Treat for another, 78
Sudden Declaration, 153
Superfluous Testimonial, 73
Sure of it, 179
Suspecting the Shell, 63
Swift Horse, A, 204
Take Care of your Baggage, 152
Taking his Patients for a Ride, 75
Taking the Starch out, 80
Tall Relations, 50
Tall Talk, 130
Talking-Match, 146
Tart, 193
Tearful Response, A, 159
Thackeray and the Pirate's Daughter, 157
Thanks to his Hens, 189
That's a Good 'Un!, 14
The House that Jeff. Built, 180
The Late Floyd, 64
The Reason Why, 110
Things I should like to See, 165
Thoughtful Mothers, 116
Tight-fisted, 142
Timely Warning, 169
Tipping them Latin, 186
Tired of his Boarding-House, 86
To make Leeches bite, 184
To make Sausages, 4
To the Point, 52
Too much Ice, 200
Too Slow for Paradise, 13
Tough Yankee, A, 117
Transatlantic Matrimonial Advertisements, 29
Treasure Trove, The, 8
Tremendous Gale, 71
True American Patriotism, 112
True, if not New, 164
True Politeness, 167
Trump Card, A, 169
Truth Wanted, 131
Two Things made to be Lost, 100
Two Things Unexpected, 152
Unacceptable Gratitude, 17
Undoubted Courage, 150
Unkind Reminder, An, 107
Unnecessary Apprehension, 96
Used to it, 118
Vegetable Head, A, 64
Verdict of a Negro Jury, 114
Very Civil War, 114
Very Likely, 56
Very Odd, that, 67
Virginian Eloquence, 170
Vocation, A, 154
War Phrases, 197
Ward's, Artemus, Courtship, 197
Ward, A., on Reorganization, 153
Ward, A., on the Negro, 62
Ward, A., to the Prince of Wales, 124
Ward Beecher's Preaching, 13
Washington Irving, 154
Way of the World, The, 23
Webster, Daniel, 189
Webster's, Daniel, Courtship, 162
Webster, Daniel, and his Bills, 138
Webster, Daniel, and William Wirt, 31
Wedlock First Instituted, 121
Western Neighbours, 98
Western Obituary Notice, 46
We wonder, too, 50
Whale at Peas, A, 158
What a Fine Woman is like, 131
What he always did at Home, 41
What he did the First Year, 11
What Irishmen do!, 105
What U. S. stands for, 118
When the Boat started, 134
When will they meet?, 194
Where the Ducks went, 127
"Where Warren fell", 9
Whiskers and Kisses, 58
Who Fiddled, 193
Whose Fault was it?, 136
Why the War goes on, 118
Wise Fool, A, 119
Wise Judge, A, 101
Wise Saws by Sam Slick, 143
With a Quill, 144
Witty Aide-de-Camp, A, 155
Witty Sentinel, A, 71
Woman-ology, 45
Wonderful, 144
Wonderful, if True, 178
"Wouldn't you like to know?", 44
Writing to the Old Woman, 20
Wrong Woman, The, 142
Wrong Train, The, 37
Yankee, The, 166
Yankee's Autobiography, A, 36
Yankee Brass, 76
Yankee Factory Girls, 170
Yankee Inquisitiveness, 176
Yankee Modesty, 188
Yankee Notion of Macbeth, 27
Yankee Portrait of John Bull, 177
Yankee Toasts, 66
Young Jeff.'s Appetite, 6
Young Lady's Sacrifice, A, 138
Young Patriot, The, 32
Your Fare, Miss, 133
Youth Indignant, 188
CLAYTON & CO., Printers, 17, Bouverie Street, E.C.
ADVERTISEMENTS.
[Illustration]
ADAMS & FRANCIS,
Agents for the Public Press,
ADVERTISEMENTS INSERTED IN ALL THE LONDON COUNTRY, COLONIAL, and
FOREIGN NEWSPAPERS and PERIODICALS.
_And by Appointment to the_
Royal Society,
Royal Geographical Society,
Royal Horticultural Society,
British Association for the
Advancement of Science,
Institute of Naval Architects,
Arundel Society,
Camden Society,
The Architectural Museum,
South Kensington, &c. &c.
_And by Special Contract for_
The Journal & Proceedings of the Royal Geographical Society, The North
British Review, Black's Guide-Books, Tennyson's Poems in Monthly
Parts, &c. &c.
* * * * *
_The following are the Terms upon which we transact our business as
General Advertising Agents_:--
1. Our best attention is given to any Commission placed in our hands;
_our long connexion with the Press_ enables us to assure our Clients
of that _discrimination so essential to the interest of Advertisers_.
2. We offer the facility of one account instead of many, and we
guarantee that all Advertisements charged are duly inserted.
3. The _charges_ made to Advertisers for the transaction of their
business _will in no case exceed the sum demanded by each Journal_ as
when the Advertiser, with cash in hand, presents an Advertisement at
the Office direct.
It is the practice of Newspaper Proprietors to allow a moderate
Commission to respectable Advertising Agents. This Commission we
have determined shall suffice as our Profit. In the case of THE
TIMES, no Commission is allowed; the charge, however, for
insertion in this Journal will not be increased.
ADAMS AND FRANCIS, 59, FLEET STREET, E.C.
HISTORICAL CARTE PORTRAITS
OF THE
MOST ILLUSTRIOUS MEN OF ALL AGES.
Sixpence each.
DIVINES.
John Knox
Archbp. Cranmer
John Calvin
Martin Luther
Philip Melancthon
Theodore Beza
Hugo Grotius
Aug. Neander
Dr. Schleiermacher
Baron Bunsen
Robert Hall
Theodore Parker
MEDICAL.
John Hunter
John Hervey
Dr. Jenner
Lisfranc
Richard Mead
Sir Thos. Brown
R. Liston
R. Knox
John Abernethy
Andrea Vesalii
Dr. Cullen
Sydenham
NATURALISTS.
Baron de Cuvier
L. Agassiz, U. S.
Linnæus
Baron Humboldt
PHILOSOPHERS.
Lord Bacon
Sir Isaac Newton
Sir Wm. Herschel
Sir H. Davy
Gilbert Jack
Lord Brougham
Copernicus
James Watt
C. Field, U. S.
Jeremy Bentham
Victor Cousin
LITERARY.
Sir Walter Scott
Samuel Johnson
Jos. Addison
David Hume
Cervantes
Machiavella
Mich. de Montagne
Charles Lamb
Hugh Miller
POETS.
Shakespeare
Burns
Chaucer
Spencer
Byron
Samuel Rogers
Longfellow
Milton
Goldsmith
Pope
Chatterton
Tasso
Allan Ramsay
Moore
Cowper
Campbell
Goethe
Ettrick Shepherd
Thomas Hood
METAPHYSICIANS.
Dugald Stewart
Dr. Thos. Brown
E. Kant
PAINTERS.
Raffaelle
Michael Angelo
Rubens
Vandyke
Rembrandt
Leonardo da Vinci
Marc Antonio
Albert Durer
NAVAL.
Nelson
Sir Geo. Cockburn
Admiral Duncan
HISTORICAL.
Mary Qu. of Scots
Francis II.
Darnley
Charles I.
Do. in armour
Cromwell
Sir Walter Raleigh
Admirab. Crichton
Kings of Scotland, from 1034 to 1714
Geo. Buchanan
James VI.
Marq. of Montrose
Chatham (the father of Pitt)
Napoleon the 1st
Wellington
TRAVELLERS.
Bruce
Captain Cook
Baron Humboldt
Fremont, U. S.
AMERICANS.
Washington
Washington Irving
Edgar Allan Poe
Longfellow
President Lincoln
Jefferson Davis
Henry Clay
Daniel Webster
Cyrus M. Field
Gen. M'Clellan
Gen. Jackson
Paul Jones
Fremont
General Scott
General Lee
Gen. Beauregard
MUSICIANS, ETC.
Handel
Haydn
Mozart
Von Weber
Beethoven
Mrs. Siddons
MISCELLANEOUS.
Queen of Beauty
Father of Sir Walter Scott
Mother of do.
Wife of do.
The Scott Family
The Foot Bath
Crucifixion (Vandyke)
Three Graces (Raffaelle)
Holy Family (Da Vinci)
St. John (Raffaelle)
Thankfulness (Guido)
Christ Rejected (Titian)
Infant Saviour (Murillo)
Whittington & Cat
The Widow
Alice Lee (of Woodstock)
Alice Bridgnorth
Rubens' 2nd Wife
Love-Sick Maid
Juliet
Nancy Tinnoch
Beau Brummell
Neal Gow.
* * * * *
_The above Portraits are always in hand, and Mr. Patterson is
daily adding new Cartes to his List._
Copies sent to any part of the United Kingdom.
W. GREENOAK PATTERSON, 4, North College Street, EDINBURGH.
SELECTION FROM
MESSRS. CASSELL, PETTER, & GALPIN'S
CATALOGUE OF BOOKS.
* * * * *
CASSELL'S ILLUSTRATED FAMILY BIBLE:--
Complete in One Volume, handsomely bound in cloth, gilt edges 1 11 6
Ditto Two Volumes, ditto ditto 1 15 0
Ditto One Volume, ditto in calf, gilt edges 2 10 0
Ditto ditto ditto in morocco elegant 3 0 0
Ditto Two Volumes, ditto ditto 4 0 0
The above can also be had with the Scotch Version of the Psalms,
in one volume, cloth, for 35s.; in calf, gilt edges, 55s.; and in
morocco, with gilt edges, for 65s.
SUPERIOR EDITION OF CASSELL'S ILLUSTRATED FAMILY BIBLE.
Complete in one volume, handsomely bound in cloth, gilt
edges, 50s.; in calf antique, gilt edges, 60s.; elegantly
bound in morocco, gilt edges, 70s.
CASSELL'S FAMILY PRAYER BOOK. Bound in plain cloth, 7s.
6d., and in handsome cloth, with gilt edges, 9s.
CASSELL'S POPULAR NATURAL HISTORY. Profusely Illustrated
with splendid Engravings and Tinted Plates. Complete in
4 vols., bound in cloth, 34s.; ditto 2 vols., 30s; ditto
2 vols., half calf, full gilt back, Two Guineas; ditto 2
vols., half morocco, full gilt back and edges, 45s.
THE QUIVER--First Series--in Six Half-yearly Volumes, bound
in cloth, 4s. 6d. each; contains, among many others, Tales
by Mrs. WOOD, Author of "East Lynne," and by Mr.
C. JEAFFRESON, Author of "Live it Down," &c. &c.
&c. Each volume can be had separately.
CASSELL'S ILLUSTRATED BUNYAN.--The Pilgrim's Progress,
Illustrated throughout. Plain cloth, 7s. 6d.; full gilt
cloth, gilt edges, 10s. 6d; full morocco antique, 21s.
CASSELL'S ILLUSTRATED BUNYAN--The Holy War. Uniform in
style with the "Pilgrim's Progress," at 7s. 6d., 10s. 6d.,
and 21s.
CASSELL'S ILLUSTRATED ROBINSON CRUSOE, beautifully
Illustrated throughout. Plain cloth, 7s. 6d.; full gilt
cloth, gilt edges, 10s. 6d.; morocco antique, 21s.
JEWELS GATHERED FROM PAINTER AND POET. A selection of
Poems, Songs, and Ballads, Illustrated in the highest style
of Art by F. R. Pickersgill, Cope, Dyce, Horsfall, Duncan,
Selous, Tenniel, &c. &c. Superbly printed on fine thick
toned paper, bound in cloth, with gilt edges, 7s. 6d.
BEAUTIES OF POETRY AND GEMS OF ART, Illustrated by the same
Artists. Cloth gilt, 7s. 6d.
FAVOURITE POEMS BY GIFTED BARDS, Illustrated by the same
Artists. Cloth gilt, 7s. 6d.
POEMS AND PICTURES, comprising the three preceding Works
bound together in one volume. Very handsomely bound in
extra gilt cloth, One Guinea.
GOLDSMITH'S WORKS, ILLUSTRATED.--The Vicar of Wakefield and
Poems, beautifully printed on toned paper, and illustrated
throughout. In one handsome volume, bound in cloth, 7s.
6d.; full gilt cloth, with gilt edges, 10s. 6d; full
morocco antique, 21s.
THE ROYAL GALLERY OF KINGS AND QUEENS. Embellished with
Portraits of our English Sovereigns. Beautifully printed on
toned paper, and very handsomely bound in cloth, crown 8vo,
price 5s.
GREAT SERMONS OF GREAT PREACHERS, Ancient and Modern, with
an Historical Sketch of the Greek and Latin Pulpit. Third
edition, 8vo, cloth, 5s.
CASSELL'S ILLUSTRATED HISTORY OF ENGLAND, from the Earliest
Period to the Present Time. Volumes I. to VIII., bound in
cloth, 7s. 6d. each.
LITTLE FERNS FOR FANNY'S LITTLE FRIENDS, with Illustrations
by Birket Foster, printed in Tints. Fifth edition, crown
4to, bound in cloth, with gilt edges, 2s. 6d.
THE CHILDREN OF SCRIPTURE. By the Author of "Chickseed
without Chickweed," &c. &c., assisted by the Rev. T.
WILSON. Bound in cloth, and Illustrated with eight
coloured Plates, price 2s. 6d.
THE BIBLE STORY BOOK. THE OLD AND NEW TESTAMENTS,
complete in one handsome volume, bound in cloth, 7s. 6d.
CASSELL'S PICTURE BOOK FOR THE NURSERY. 4to, bound in fancy
boards, price 5s.
CASSELL'S FAMILY PICTURE BOOKS.
Bound in embellished boards, price 3s. 6d., with Plain Illustrations;
or, with Coloured Plates, 7s. each.
THE BIBLE PICTURE STORY BOOK. Beautifully Illustrated
throughout, and written in a simple style, to interest
Children in Bible Narratives and Characters. THE OLD
TESTAMENT, 3s. 6d. plain, and 7s. coloured.
THE BIBLE STORY BOOK. THE NEW TESTAMENT, 3s. 6d.
plain, and 7s. coloured.
THE FAMILY PICTURE HISTORY OF ENGLAND. A Series of
full-page Illustrations, with Descriptive Letterpress,
representing the Principal Events of English History, from
the Earliest Period to the Reign of Her Majesty Queen
Victoria. Crown 4to, with plain Illustrations, 3s. 6d.; or
with coloured Plates, 7s.
MARY HOWITT'S ILLUSTRATED LIBRARY FOR THE YOUNG; each
containing a variety of Interesting and Instructive Matter
for Young People. Profusely Illustrated, in fancy boards,
with plain Illustrations, 3s. 6d.; or with coloured Plates,
7s. each vol. (Each volume is in itself distinct from the
other.)
FAMOUS EVENTS IN GENERAL HISTORY. Illustrated by a number
of beautiful Engravings, and written with the special view
to interest and instruct Young People. Crown 4to, with
plain Illustrations, 3s. 6d.; or with coloured Plates, 7s.
REMARKABLE PERSONS AND SCENES OF HISTORY. Illustrated
throughout with full-page Illustrations. Crown 4to, bound
in fancy boards, 3s. 6d.
JUVENILE WORKS BY PETER PARLEY.
Price Two Shillings each, in full Gilt Cloth.
PERSEVERE AND PROSPER; or, THE SABLE HUNTERS.
CHEERFUL CHERRY; or, MAKE THE BEST OF IT.
WIT BOUGHT; or, THE ADVENTURES OF ROBERT MERRY.
WHAT TO DO, AND HOW TO DO IT.
DICK BOLDHERO IN SEARCH OF HIS UNCLE.
INQUISITIVE JACK AND HIS AUNT MARY.
TRAVELS AND ADVENTURES OF THOMAS TROTTER, AS TOLD BY
HIMSELF.
PARLEY'S TALES ABOUT ASIA AND AFRICA.
PETER PARLEY'S TALES ABOUT AMERICA AND AUSTRALIA. Edited by
Rev. T. WILSON.
* * * * *
CASSELL'S PICTURE STORY BOOKS.
Sixpence, Plain; Coloured, One Shilling.
These Books are got up in a superior manner, and are designed to form
one of the most pleasurable and instructive series of Children's Books
extant.
The following have already appeared, and additions are constantly
being made:--
1. All about Houses.
2. A Trip up the Mountain.
3. Serpents; and how they are Charmed.
4. Water Birds.
5. Monkeys and their Frolics.
6. Wild Beasts of the Forest.
7. Our Pretty Butterflies.
8. Shells and Corals.
9. China and the Chinese.
10. Household Pets.
11. Bruin the Bear.
12. Our Friend the Dog.
13. A Peep at the Insects.
14. A B C of Birds.
15. A B C of Beasts.
16. The London Alphabet.
BIBLE STORIES.
17. The Creation, the Fall, and the Flood.
18. Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob.
19. The Story of Joseph.
20. Moses and the Israelites.
21. Joshua and the Judges.
22. The Three Kings--Saul, David, and Solomon.
23. The Story of the Life of Jesus.
24. The Book of Miracles.
25. The Story of the Death of Jesus.
26. The Book of Parables.
27. The Story of Simon Peter.
28. The Story of the Apostle Paul.
HISTORICAL STORIES.
29. The Early Britons and their Saxon Kings.
30. King Canute, William the Conqueror, &c.
31. Richard the Lion-hearted and his Successors.
32. Henry V. and his Battles against the French.
33. Henry VIII. and his Daughters Mary and Elizabeth.
34. Sovereigns of England from James I. to Victoria.
35. King Pepin's Fight with Wild Beasts, &c.
33. Famous People of the Middle Ages.
37. Famous Discoverers.
38. Good Queen Bess and her Times.
39. Napoleon Buonaparte.
40. Celebrated Warriors.
CASSELL'S FAIRY STORY BOOKS.
Coloured, 6d. each; on Linen, 1s.
EDUCATIONAL AND OTHER WORKS.
A SERIES OF FIRST BOOKS OR CATECHISMS. By the Rev. Dr.
BREWER, Author of "Guide to Science," &c. &c. &c. In stiff
paper wrapper, price 9d. each.
MY FIRST BOOK OF READING AND SPELLING.
MY FIRST BOOK OF BIBLE HISTORY.
MY FIRST BOOK OF HISTORY OF ENGLAND.
MY FIRST BOOK OF GEOGRAPHY.
MY FIRST BOOK OF SCIENCE.
MY FIRST BOOK OF COMMON THINGS THAT I SEE AROUND ME.
THE YOUNG TUTOR. By the Rev. Dr. BREWER.
Comprising the Six First Books in one volume, and forming a
Course of Elementary Knowledge. 18mo, bound in cloth, price
3s. 6d.
GUIDE TO EVERY-DAY KNOWLEDGE. By the same Author. 18mo,
bound in cloth, 2s. 6d.
CASSELL'S POPULAR EDUCATOR. Complete in six volumes, crown
4to, price 4s. 6d. each, in cloth boards; or in three
double volumes, price 8s. 6d. each.
A NEW EDITION, printed on better paper, complete in six volumes, price
5s. each, and in three double volumes, 9s. each.
_Cloth Cases for Binding, 1s. 6d. each._
THE BIBLICAL EDUCATOR, complete in one thick volume, crown
4to, price 10s. 6d.
THE YOUTH'S POPULAR EDUCATOR, complete in one volume, crown
4to, cloth boards, 8s.; with gilt edges, 9s.
ENGLISH SPELLING AND READING BOOK, with upwards of 150
Engravings on Wood. _New Edition._ 8vo, cloth, 1s.
LESSONS IN ENGLISH. By J. R. BEARD, D.D. 12mo. In
paper covers, 3s.; cloth boards, 3s. 6d.
THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE IN ITS ELEMENTS AND FORMS. By
WILLIAM C. FOWLER. 8vo, cloth, 3s. 6d.
POCKET PRONOUNCING DICTIONARY OF THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE. By
NOAH WEBSTER, LL.D. 18mo, cloth, 2s. 6d.
SIXPENNY LESSONS IN FRENCH, with Rules for Pronunciation,
on an entirely Novel and Simple Plan. Crown 8vo, paper
covers, 6d.
CASSELL'S LESSONS IN FRENCH. 12mo. Parts I. and II., in
paper covers, 2s. each; or in cloth, 2s. 6d. each; complete
in one volume, cloth, 4s. 6d.
KEY TO THE EXERCISES IN CASSELL'S LESSONS IN FRENCH. 12mo,
paper covers, 1s.; cloth, 1s. 6d.
CASSELL'S FRENCH MANUAL. By Professor DE LOLME.
Crown 8vo, cloth, 3s.
THE FRENCH READER. New Edition, by Professor DE
LOLME. 12mo, paper covers, 2s.; cloth, 2s. 6d.
FRENCH-ENGLISH AND ENGLISH-FRENCH DICTIONARY. By Professors
DE LOLME and WALLACE, and HENRY
BRIDGEMAN. Small 8vo, in I vol., cloth, 7s. 6d.; or
strongly bound in leather, 9s.
CASSELL'S LESSONS IN GERMAN. By W. H. WOODBURY.
12mo. Parts I. and II., paper covers, 2s.; cloth, 2s. 6d.
each; complete in 1 vol., cloth, 4s. 6d.
KEY TO THE LESSONS IN GERMAN. Revised Edition. 12mo, paper
covers, 1s.; cloth, 1s. 6d.
THE PRONOUNCING GERMAN READER. Consisting of Extracts in
Prose and Verse, with appropriate Vocabularies. 12mo, paper
covers, 1s.; cloth, 1s. 6d.
THE GERMAN READER. By W. H. WOODBURY. 12mo, paper
covers, 2s.; cloth, 2s. 6d.
THE GERMAN-ENGLISH AND ENGLISH-GERMAN PRONOUNCING
DICTIONARY. Small 8vo, cloth, 7s. 6d. Strongly bound in
leather, 9s.
LESSONS IN SPANISH. Revised by the Editor of the
"POPULAR EDUCATOR." 12mo, cloth, 3s. 6d.
A CATECHISM OF LATIN GRAMMAR. Fcap. 8vo, cloth boards, 1s.
FIRST LESSONS IN LATIN. By Professors ANDREWS and
STODDARD. 12mo, paper covers, 1s.; cloth, 1s. 6d.
LESSONS IN LATIN. By the Rev. J. R. BEARD, D.D.
12mo, paper covers, 2s. 6d.; cloth, 3s.
KEY TO THE LESSONS IN LATIN. 12mo, paper covers, 1s.;
cloth, 1s. 6d.
THE LATIN GRAMMAR. For the Use of Schools and Colleges. By
Professors ANDREWS and STODDARD. Crown
8vo, cloth, 3s. 6d.
THE LATIN READER. 12mo, cloth, 1s. 6d.
CASSELL'S LATIN EXERCISES. 12mo, cloth, 2s.
CASSELL'S LATIN-ENGLISH AND ENGLISH-LATIN DICTIONARY. By
J. R. BEARD, D.D., and C. BEARD, B.A.
Small 8vo, 7s. 6d., cloth; strongly bound in leather, 9s.
LESSONS IN ITALIAN. By CHARLES TAUSENAU, M.D. of
the University of Pavia, and Professor of the German and
Italian Languages. 12mo, in stiff covers, 3s.; cloth, 3s.
6d.
LESSONS IN GREEK. By the Rev. J. R. BEARD, D.D.
12mo, in stiff covers, 3s. 6d.; cloth, 4s.
THE ACTS OF THE APOSTLES IN THE ORIGINAL GREEK. By JOHN
J. OWEN, D.D. 12mo, cloth, 2s. 6d.
ARITHMETIC FOR THE YOUNG: Inculcating the Science of
Numbers by Means of Familiar Objects; in a series of Easy
Lessons, with Copious Directions for Teachers. 12mo., paper
covers, 1s.; bound in cloth, 1s. 6d.
THE ELEMENTS OF ARITHMETIC. By Professor WALLACE.
Crown 8vo, stiff covers, 1s.; cloth, 1s. 6d.
KEY TO THE ELEMENTS OF ARITHMETIC; containing Answers to
all Questions in the above Work. 32mo, paper covers, 4d.
THE ELEMENTS OF ALGEBRA. Crown 8vo, paper covers, 1s.;
cloth, 1s. 6d.
CASSELL'S EUCLID. Edited by Professor WALLACE, A.
M. Crown 8vo, stiff covers, 1s.; cloth, 1s. 6d.
KEY TO CASSELL'S EUCLID; containing the Enunciations of all
the Propositions and Corollaries. 32mo, paper covers, 4d.
GEOGRAPHY AND ATLAS. By PETER PARLEY. 8vo, cloth,
1s. 6d.
A POPULAR ACCOUNT OF THE STEAM ENGINE. By Professor
WALLACE. New Edition, Illustrated. 12mo, boards,
1s.; cloth, 1s. 6d.
CASSELL'S BIOGRAPHICAL DICTIONARY. By the Rev. J.
R. BEARD, D.D. 12mo, cloth, 3s.; strongly bound in
leather, 4s.
SCIENCE POPULARLY EXPLAINED; containing 4,000 Questions and
Answers on General Science. 8vo, cloth, 3s. 6d.
THE MODEL COPY-BOOKS; ensuring a Good, Fluent, and Rapid
Handwriting, in a Course of Eight Progressive Books.
Foolscap Quarto Edition, price 3d. each, or 2s. per Set;
post Quarto, 6d. each, or 4s. per Set.
THE GREAT SERMONS OF THE GREAT PREACHERS. Third Edition.
8vo, cloth, 5s.
POPULAR PREACHERS OF OUR TIME: their Eloquence, Ministry,
and Works. By J. JOHNSON, Esq., Author of
"Interviews of Great Men," "Heroines of our Time," &c. &c.
Crown 8vo, cloth, price 5s.
PEARLS OF SHAKESPEARE. Illustrated with Designs by
KENNY MEADOWS. 12mo, handsomely bound in cloth,
bevelled, extra gilt, 3s. 6d.
CASSELL'S ILLUSTRATED GUIDE TO LONDON. Demy 8vo, in
handsome wrapper, price 1s.; or printed on superior paper,
and elegantly bound in cloth gilt, price 2s. 6d.
AN EDITION IN FRENCH published at the same prices.
CASSELL'S ILLUSTRATED EXHIBITOR; containing about 300
Illustrations, with Letterpress Descriptions of all the
principal Objects in the International Exhibition of 1862.
One volume. In paper wrapper, 2s. 6d.; bound in cloth, 4s.
6d.
SUPERIOR EDITION OF CASSELL'S ILLUSTRATED EXHIBITOR, very
handsomely bound in gilt cloth, 7s. 6d.
CASSELL, PETTER, AND GALPIN'S
WEEKLY AND MONTHLY PUBLICATIONS.
CASSELL'S ILLUSTRATED FAMILY PAPER. Weekly, One Penny;
in Monthly Parts, 5d. and 6d. each; and in Half-yearly
Volumes, bound in cloth, 4s. 6d. each. (_Volumes I. to XIV.
now ready._)
CASSELL'S ILLUSTRATED FAMILY BIBLE, beautifully printed on
Toned Paper. Weekly, Three Halfpence; and in Monthly Parts,
7d. and 8-1/2d. each.
CASSELL'S ILLUSTRATED BUNYAN.--The Holy War, printed on
Toned Paper. Weekly, One Penny; and in Monthly Parts, 5d.
and 6d. each.
CASSELL'S ILLUSTRATED BIBLE DICTIONARY. In Monthly Parts,
6d. each.
CASSELL'S ILLUSTRATED GOLDSMITH:--The Vicar of Wakefield,
printed on Toned Paper. Weekly, One Penny; and in Monthly
Parts, 5d. and 6d. each.
CASSELL'S ILLUSTRATED SHAKESPEARE. Edited, with Notes, by
CHARLES and MARY COWDEN CLARKE. Printed
on Toned Paper. Weekly, One Penny; and in Monthly Parts,
5d. and 6d. each.
CASSELL'S ILLUSTRATED ROBINSON CRUSOE, printed on Toned
Paper. Weekly, One Penny; and in Monthly Parts, 5d. and 6d.
each.
CASSELL'S ILLUSTRATED GULLIVER.--Gulliver's Travels. By
Dean SWIFT. Illustrated in the best style, and
printed on Toned Paper. Weekly, One Penny; Monthly, 5d. and
6d.
CASSELL'S ILLUSTRATED QUIXOTE. Don Quixote, Superbly
Illustrated by GUSTAVE DORÉ. 4to size. Weekly,
Three Halfpence; in Monthly Parts, price 7d.
CASSELL'S NATURAL HISTORY, Illustrated with about 2,000
Engravings. Weekly, One Penny; or in Monthly Parts, with a
Coloured Illustration, 6d. each.
CASSELL'S FOLIO ATLAS, each Part containing Six Folio
well-engraved and Coloured Maps. Monthly, One Shilling.
(_Patent Expanding Portfolios, prepared expressly for these
Maps, 2s. each._)
THE QUIVER (New Series), an Illustrated Magazine of Social,
Intellectual, and Religious Progress. Weekly, One Penny;
Monthly Parts, 6d. each.
CASSELL'S EMIGRANTS' MAPS,
WITH HANDY GUIDES. Price 1s. each.
PRINCIPAL BRITISH COLONIES.
VICTORIA.
NEW ZEALAND.
AUSTRALIA.
SOUTH AND WEST AUSTRALIA.
NEW SOUTH WALES.
NORTH AMERICA AND VANCOUVER'S ISLAND.
CAPE COLONY AND NATAL.
CANADA EAST.
CANADA WEST.
QUEENSLAND.
CALIFORNIA.
TASMANIA.
POPULAR HAND-BOOKS.
12mo, cloth, 1s. each; free by post for 13 stamps.
AMUSING AND INSTRUCTIVE EXPERIMENTS.
BOOK-KEEPING, by Single and Double Entry. Ruled Account
Books to Ditto, extra, 1s. 6d. each Set.
BUSINESS.
CHESS AND DRAUGHTS.
CIVIL SERVICE.
DOMESTIC RECIPES.
ELOCUTION AND ORATORY.
EMERGENCIES.
ETIQUETTE.
GARDENING. By GEORGE GLENNY.
HEALTH AND PHYSIOLOGY.
HOW TO COLOUR A PHOTOGRAPH IN OIL OR WATER.
INVESTMENTS.
LETTER WRITING.
NATURAL PHILOSOPHY.
OUR DOMESTIC PETS.
PHOTOGRAPHY.
RAILWAY SITUATIONS.
CASSELL'S ATLASES AND MAPS.
CASSELL'S COMPLETE FOLIO ATLAS, of 260 Coloured Maps.
Price, in paper boards, Two Guineas. Bound in half-roan,
50s.; in half-morocco, Three Guineas.
CASSELL'S BRITISH ATLAS, of 122 Maps. Half-bound, in paper
boards, One Guinea. Strongly half-bound, 28s.
CASSELL'S FOLIO GENERAL ATLAS, of 60 Maps. Price, in paper
boards, Half-a-Guinea. Strongly half-bound, 18s.
CASSELL'S FOLIO COUNTY ATLAS, of 50 Maps. Price, in paper
boards, Half-a-Guinea. Strongly half-bound, 18s.
CASSELL'S RAILWAY ATLAS, consisting of 20 Folio Maps. Price
5s.
CASSELL'S ORIENTAL ATLAS, of 36 Folio Maps. Price, in paper
boards, 8s. Strongly half-bound, 15s.
CASSELL'S COLONIAL ATLAS, of 30 Folio Maps. Price, in paper
boards, 8s. Strongly half-bound, 15s.
CASSELL'S INDIAN ATLAS, consisting of 15 Folio Divisional
Maps of India. Price, in a Wrapper, 3s. 6d.
CASSELL'S EMIGRANT'S ATLAS, of 14 Folio Maps of Colonies
and Places of especial Interest to the Emigrant. Price, in
a Wrapper, 2s. 6d.
CASSELL'S GREAT MAP OF LONDON, in Nine Double Sheets, and
on a scale of 9 inches to the Mile. In a Wrapper. Price 5s.
---- The same, with Two Additional Maps of Old London.
Price 6s.
CASSELL'S MAP OF THE ENVIRONS OF LONDON, in Eight Sheets;
in a Wrapper. Price 2s. 6d.
COUNTY AND HOME MAPS.
_In Sheets_, THREEPENCE _each_; _or Folded, in a neat Wrapper
for the Pocket_, FOURPENCE _each_.
These Maps are wrought out with such laborious fulness and exactitude
that they present the most complete delineation of the British Isles
ever published; so full and detailed, indeed, that scarcely a Hamlet,
and in many instances scarcely a Farm, is omitted.
Bedfordshire.
Berkshire.
Buckinghamshire.
Cambridgeshire.
Cheshire.
Cornwall.
Cumberland and Westmoreland, N.
Cumberland and Westmoreland, S.
Derbyshire.
Devonshire, N.
Devonshire, S.
Dorsetshire.
Durham.
Essex.
Hampshire, N.
Hampshire, S.
Herefordshire.
Hertfordshire.
Huntingdonshire.
Kent.
Lancashire. 6d.
Leicestershire and Rutland.
Lincolnshire.
Middlesex.
Monmouthshire.
Norfolk.
Northamptonshire, N.
Northamptonshire, S.
Northumberland.
Nottinghamshire.
Oxfordshire.
Shropshire, N.
Shropshire, S.
Somersetshire.
Staffordshire.
Suffolk.
Surrey.
Sussex.
Warwickshire.
Wiltshire.
Worcestershire and Gloucestershire, N.
Worcestershire and Gloucestershire, S.
Yorkshire, N.E.
Yorkshire, N.W.
Yorkshire, S.E.
Yorkshire, S.W.
Isle of Man.
Channel Isles.
The Thames.
Watering Places of Kent.
Birmingham.
Leeds.
Liverpool.
Manchester.
Oxford and Cambridge.
* * * * *
Scotland (4 sheets), 1s.
Edinburgh.
Edinburghshire.
Glasgow.
Environs of Glasgow.
Orkney and Shetland Islands.
* * * * *
Ireland (4 sheets), 1s.
Environs of Dublin.
Environs of Cork.
Environs of Belfast.
Lakes of Killarney.
A FULL DESCRIPTIVE CATALOGUE of MESSRS. CASSELL, PETTER, AND GALPIN'S
EDUCATIONAL AND OTHER PUBLICATIONS, to which a Prize Medal was awarded
at the International Exhibition of 1862, may be had, post free, by
enclosing a stamp to the Publishing Office, La Belle Sauvage Yard,
Ludgate Hill, London, E.C.
THE NEWSMAN.
WEEKLY.
PRICE ONE PENNY.
[ESTABLISHED 1860.]
PRINCIPLES, INDEPENDENT.
This Paper advocates all measures for the advancement of the people.
Its Leading Articles are written by some of the ablest political and
social reformers of the day. Great attention is paid to the general
news of the week, of which it contains sixteen closely printed pages.
SOLD BY ALL NEWSVENDORS.
PUBLISHED BY
JAMES MELDRUM, 13, YORK STREET,
COVENT GARDEN.
* * * * *
MR. HOWARD, Surgeon Dentist, 52, Fleet Street, has
introduced an entirely new description of ARTIFICIAL
TEETH, fixed without springs, wires, or ligatures. They
so perfectly resemble the natural teeth as not to be
distinguished from the originals by the closest observer.
They will never change colour or decay, and will be found
superior to any teeth ever before used. This method does
not require the extraction of roots, or any painful
operation, will support and preserve teeth that are loose,
and is guaranteed to restore articulation and mastication.
Decayed teeth stopped, and rendered sound and useful in
mastication.
52, Fleet Street. At home from 10 till 5.
* * * * *
TOOTH-ACHE CURED in less than a minute by HOLMAN'S
TOOTH-ACHE SPECIFIC, the only preparation that instantly
relieves and does not injure the Teeth. Prepared only by
HENRY HOLMAN, Chemist, Barnet, HERTS. In
bottles, at 7-1/2d. and 1s. 1-1/2d. each, of all Medicine
Vendors; or post free from the Proprietor for 18 stamps.
Wholesale of BARCLAY and SONS, 95,
Farringdon Street, LONDON, E.C.
* * * * *
Selling by Thousands.
THE INGENIOUS POCKET TIMEPIECE, with Case complete.
Warranted to denote Solar Time correctly. Price One
Shilling; by post, 13 stamps. WARD and
CO., Kinver, near STOURBRIDGE.
* * * * *
IMPORTANT NOTICE.--£4000 by 5s.--On receipt of a prepaid
envelope addressed to the writer, will be forwarded a
Prospectus of the manner in which, with Governmental
Security, £25,000 can be promptly realized by a deposit
of £1; and how £4000 may be obtained by an investment
of 5s. No doubt about it. Obtain the particulars, then
judge. Apply immediately, to JOHN WARD, Esq.,
Kilcrossduff, Shercock, County Cavan, IRELAND.
Consumption, Coughs, Colds, Asthma, Bronchitis, Neuralgia, Rheumatism,
Spasms, &c.
CAUTION.--IN CHANCERY.
CHLORODYNE.
VICE-CHANCELLOR WOOD stated that Dr. J. Collis Browne was
undoubtedly the Inventor of Chlorodyne. Eminent hospital Physicians
of London stated that Dr. J. Collis Browne was the discoverer of
Chlorodyne; that they prescribe it largely, and mean no other than
Dr. Browne's.--See _Times_, July 13, 1864. The public, therefore,
are cautioned against using any other than Dr. J. COLLIS BROWNE'S
CHLORODYNE.
THIS INVALUABLE REMEDY produces quiet, refreshing sleep, relieves
pain, calms the system, restores the deranged functions, and
stimulates healthy action of the secretions of the body.
_From_ J. M'GRIGOR CROFT, _M.D., M.R.C. Physicians, London,
late Staff-Surgeon to H.M.F._
"After prescribing Dr. J. Collis Browne's Chlorodyne, for
the last three years, in severe cases of Neuralgia and Tic
Doloreux, I feel that I am in a position to testify to
its valuable effects. Really in some cases it acted as a
charm, when all other means had failed. Without being asked
for this report, I must come forward and state my candid
opinion that it is a most valuable medicine."
_From_ JNO. E. GOULSTONE, _M.D., Knighton_.
"I can confidently state that Chlorodyne is an admirable
Sedative and Anti-Spasmodic, having used it in Neuralgia,
Hysteria, Asthma, and Consumption, with remarkably
favourable results. It relieved a fit of Asthma in four
minutes, where the patient had suffered eleven years in a
most distressing manner, no previous remedy having had so
immediate and beneficial an effect."
No home should be without it. Sold in bottles, 2s. 9d. and 4s. 6d.
Sent free, on receipt of stamps, by
J. T. DAVENPORT, 33, Gt. Russell St., London, W.C.,
SOLE MANUFACTURER.
Observe particularly, none genuine without the words "Dr. J. Collis
Browne's Chlorodyne" on the Government Stamp.
Transcriber's Notes
Minor punctuation typos and Index page numbers were silently
corrected. The "possible typos" listed below might be the antiquated
spelling of words in common usage at the time, rather than actual
typesetting errors. All the dialect and intentionally misspelled words
were retained as in the original book.
Page 6: Possible typo: "sucking-pig" for "suckling-pig".
Page 10: Changed "were" to "where."
(Orig: the field were we had suffered)
Page 39: Changed "sympton" to "symptom."
(Orig: a sympton of personal approbation)
Page 45: Changed "magetism" to "magnetism."
(Orig: makes woman so adorable as magetism)
Page 48: Possible typo: "Twelve a.m." for "Twelve p.m."
Pages 54, 80, 152, 175, 178: "Pedlar" and "pedler" spelling
variations were retained.
Page 69: Changed "fondess" to "fondness."
(Orig: fondess pent up in each heart)
Page 70: Changed "it" to "in."
(Orig: The failings that it woman dwell)
Page 82: Changed "splarkled" to "sparkled."
(Orig: Here Billy's eyes splarkled)
Page 88: Changed "dismised" to "dismissed."
(Orig: witness was dismised)
Page 101: Changed "thing" to "think."
(Orig: quickest way we can thing of to go raving)
Page 102: Changed "granchild's" to "grandchild's."
(Orig: rocking her granchild's cradle with one foot)
Page 116: Changed "Revoluntionary" to "Revolutionary."
(Orig: Army of Revoluntionary War,)
Page 118: Changed "conset" to "consent."
(Orig: Neither would conset to take it,)
Page 128: Changed "poceeded" to "proceeded."
(Orig: who proceeded to describe their peculiarities.)
Page 144: Possible typo: "sleepness" for "sleepless."
(Orig: Sleepness nights, broken dreams,)
Page 147: Possible typo: "tustle," for "tussle."
(Orig: In the course of the tustle)
Page 159: Changed "pamplet" to "pamphlet."
(Orig: holding out a pamplet)
Page 160: Changed "homour" to "humour."
(Orig: the old gent's good homour)
Pages 172-173: Possible typo: "embryotic" for "embryonic."
Page 174: Changed "themseves" to "themselves."
(Orig: housekeeping for themseves)
Page 176: Possible typo: "Mississipi" for "Mississippi."
Page 188: Possible typo: "laddled" for "ladled."
(Orig: who laddled out the liquor)
Page 196: Possible two typos: "find" for "fine."
(Orig: and find all right, except the find stream of water)
Notes on Joe Miller From _Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia_:
Joe Miller (Joseph or Josias) (1684-August 15, 1738) was an
English actor, who first appeared in the cast of Sir Robert
Howard's Committee at Drury Lane in 1709 as Teague. Trinculo
in The Tempest, the First Grave-digger in Hamlet and Marplot
in Susanna Centlivre's The Busybody, were among his many
favourite parts. He is said to have been a friend of Hogarth.
He frequented the "Black Jack" tavern on Portsmouth Street
in London, which was a favourite of the Drury Lane players
and those from Lincoln's Inn Fields. Allegedly he was very
serious in the bar and this led to an in-joke whereby all
his companions ascribed all new jokes to him.
After Miller's death, John Mottley (1692-1750) brought out
a book called Joe Miller's Jests, or the Wit's Vade-Mecum
(1739), published under the pseudonym of Elijah Jenkins
Esq. at the price of one shilling. This was a collection
of contemporary and ancient coarse witticisms, only three
of which are told of Miller. This first edition was a thin
pamphlet of 247 numbered jokes. This ran to three editions
in its first year.
Owing to the quality of the jokes in Mottley's book, their
number increasing with each of the many subsequent editions,
any time-worn jest came to be called "a Joe Miller", a
Joe-Millerism, or simply a Millerism.
End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of The American Joe Miller, by Various
*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE AMERICAN JOE MILLER ***
***** This file should be named 43996-8.txt or 43996-8.zip *****
This and all associated files of various formats will be found in:
http://www.gutenberg.org/4/3/9/9/43996/
Produced by David Edwards, Diane Monico, and the Online
Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This
file was produced from images generously made available
by The Internet Archive)
Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions
will be renamed.
Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no
one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation
(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without
permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules,
set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to
copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to
protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark. Project
Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you
charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission. If you
do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the
rules is very easy. You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose
such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and
research. They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do
practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks. Redistribution is
subject to the trademark license, especially commercial
redistribution.
*** START: FULL LICENSE ***
THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE
PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK
To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free
distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work
(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project
Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project
Gutenberg-tm License available with this file or online at
www.gutenberg.org/license.
Section 1. General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm
electronic works
1.A. By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm
electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to
and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property
(trademark/copyright) agreement. If you do not agree to abide by all
the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy
all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession.
If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project
Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the
terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or
entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8.
1.B. "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark. It may only be
used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who
agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement. There are a few
things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works
even without complying with the full terms of this agreement. See
paragraph 1.C below. There are a lot of things you can do with Project
Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement
and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
works. See paragraph 1.E below.
1.C. The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the Foundation"
or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project
Gutenberg-tm electronic works. Nearly all the individual works in the
collection are in the public domain in the United States. If an
individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are
located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from
copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative
works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg
are removed. Of course, we hope that you will support the Project
Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by
freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of
this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with
the work. You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by
keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project
Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others.
1.D. The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern
what you can do with this work. Copyright laws in most countries are in
a constant state of change. If you are outside the United States, check
the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement
before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or
creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project
Gutenberg-tm work. The Foundation makes no representations concerning
the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United
States.
1.E. Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg:
1.E.1. The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate
access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently
whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the
phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the phrase "Project
Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed,
copied or distributed:
This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or
re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
1.E.2. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived
from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is
posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied
and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees
or charges. If you are redistributing or providing access to a work
with the phrase "Project Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the
work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1
through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the
Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or
1.E.9.
1.E.3. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted
with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution
must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional
terms imposed by the copyright holder. Additional terms will be linked
to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the
permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work.
1.E.4. Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm
License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this
work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm.
1.E.5. Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this
electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without
prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with
active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project
Gutenberg-tm License.
1.E.6. You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary,
compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any
word processing or hypertext form. However, if you provide access to or
distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than
"Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official version
posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org),
you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a
copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon
request, of the work in its original "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other
form. Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm
License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1.
1.E.7. Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying,
performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works
unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9.
1.E.8. You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing
access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided
that
- You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from
the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method
you already use to calculate your applicable taxes. The fee is
owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he
has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the
Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation. Royalty payments
must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you
prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax
returns. Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and
sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the
address specified in Section 4, "Information about donations to
the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation."
- You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies
you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he
does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm
License. You must require such a user to return or
destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium
and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of
Project Gutenberg-tm works.
- You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any
money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the
electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days
of receipt of the work.
- You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free
distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works.
1.E.9. If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm
electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set
forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from
both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael
Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark. Contact the
Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below.
1.F.
1.F.1. Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable
effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread
public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm
collection. Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain
"Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or
corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual
property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a
computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by
your equipment.
1.F.2. LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right
of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project
Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project
Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project
Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all
liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal
fees. YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT
LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE
PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH 1.F.3. YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE
TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE
LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR
INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH
DAMAGE.
1.F.3. LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a
defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can
receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a
written explanation to the person you received the work from. If you
received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with
your written explanation. The person or entity that provided you with
the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a
refund. If you received the work electronically, the person or entity
providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to
receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund. If the second copy
is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further
opportunities to fix the problem.
1.F.4. Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth
in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS', WITH NO OTHER
WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO
WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE.
1.F.5. Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied
warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages.
If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the
law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be
interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by
the applicable state law. The invalidity or unenforceability of any
provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions.
1.F.6. INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the
trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone
providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance
with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production,
promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works,
harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees,
that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do
or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm
work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any
Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause.
Section 2. Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm
Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of
electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers
including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers. It exists
because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from
people in all walks of life.
Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the
assistance they need are critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's
goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will
remain freely available for generations to come. In 2001, the Project
Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure
and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations.
To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation
and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4
and the Foundation information page at www.gutenberg.org
Section 3. Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive
Foundation
The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit
501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the
state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal
Revenue Service. The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification
number is 64-6221541. Contributions to the Project Gutenberg
Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent
permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws.
The Foundation's principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S.
Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered
throughout numerous locations. Its business office is located at 809
North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887. Email
contact links and up to date contact information can be found at the
Foundation's web site and official page at www.gutenberg.org/contact
For additional contact information:
Dr. Gregory B. Newby
Chief Executive and Director
[email protected]
Section 4. Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg
Literary Archive Foundation
Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide
spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of
increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be
freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest
array of equipment including outdated equipment. Many small donations
($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt
status with the IRS.
The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating
charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United
States. Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a
considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up
with these requirements. We do not solicit donations in locations
where we have not received written confirmation of compliance. To
SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any
particular state visit www.gutenberg.org/donate
While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we
have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition
against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who
approach us with offers to donate.
International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make
any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from
outside the United States. U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff.
Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation
methods and addresses. Donations are accepted in a number of other
ways including checks, online payments and credit card donations.
To donate, please visit: www.gutenberg.org/donate
Section 5. General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
works.
Professor Michael S. Hart was the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm
concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared
with anyone. For forty years, he produced and distributed Project
Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support.
Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed
editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S.
unless a copyright notice is included. Thus, we do not necessarily
keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition.
Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility:
www.gutenberg.org
This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm,
including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary
Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to
subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks.
