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Title: The works of the Rev. John Wesley, Vol. 12 (of 32)
Author: John Wesley
Release date: May 20, 2024 [eBook #73657]
Language: English
Original publication: Bristol: William Pine, 1771
Credits: Richard Hulse and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net (This file was produced from images generously made available by The Internet Archive)
*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE WORKS OF THE REV. JOHN WESLEY, VOL. 12 (OF 32) ***
The Works of the
Rev. John Wesley, M.A.
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THE
WORKS
OF THE
Rev. JOHN WESLEY, M.A.
Late Fellow of _Lincoln-College_, OXFORD.
VOLUME XII.
BRISTOL:
Printed by WILLIAM PINE, in _Wine-Street_.
MDCCLXXII.
THE
CONTENTS
Of the TWELFTH VOLUME.
An Extract of the Life and Death of
_Thomas Walsh_.
PART III.
Chapter IV. _Of his last sickness._
An Extract of the Life of the late
Rev. Mr. _David Brainerd_.
Part I. _From his birth to the time when he began to devote
himself to the study of divinity._
Part II. _From the time that he began to devote himself to
the study of divinity, till he was examined and licensed to
preach._
Part III. _From the time of his being licensed to preach, till
he was appointed missionary to the Indians._
Part IV. _From the time of his being appointed missionary, to
his entrance on his mission among the Indians at Kaunaumeek._
Part V. _From his first beginning to instruct the Indians at
Kaunaumeek, to his ordination._
Part VI. _From his ordination, till he began to preach to the
Indians at Crosweeksung._
Part VII. _From his first beginning to preach to the Indians
at Crosweeksung, till he returned from his last journey to
Susquahannah._
Part VIII. _After his return from his last journey to
Susquahannah, until his death._
Illustration: (‡ decoration)
An EXTRACT of the
LIFE AND DEATH OF
THOMAS WALSH.
PART III.
CHAPTER IV.
_Of his last sickness and death._
HIS state of body in general (as has been related) was that of a
lingering death, which however, being interspersed with intervals of
comparative health and strength, admitted of his still going on, in the
work of his calling. But by his last sickness is meant, that degree of
disease, which admitted of no such interval; and at last took him off
entirely, from all mental or bodily labour, and ended in his removal
hence.
This his last illness may be dated from _February 24, 1758_, a few
days after his arrival at _Bristol_, in his way to _Ireland_. After
preaching twice as usual, and studying hard all day, he was seized with
violent pains in his head, and in all his bones. He however rose the
next morning at his usual time, and preached; retiring afterwards to
his daily exercises; but still feeling the pressure of the disorder,
“My body says he, trembled with weakness, but my soul was happy in God!”
He avoided yielding to his pains, and proceeded in his Lord’s work as
usual, for several days: till at length he was constrained to take his
bed. Here he was confined for several days; and taking exact notice,
(as his disorder admitted) of the state of his heart, according to
his constant custom, and growing something better, he wrote from the
fulness of his heart his state and sentiments as follows,
“_Saturday March 4._ (The day he took his bed) good is thy will O
Lord. Thy counsels of old are faithfulness and truth. Thou reignest
in righteousness; though no man can know love or hatred, by all that
is before him, _Ecclesiastes ix._ Thou givest account of thy ways to
none; but assurest the righteous, that _it shall be well with him_; and
that thy corrections are with this design, that we may partake of thy
holiness. I am in thy hands, O my God: work thy perfect will in me, and
sustain me in this trial. I call upon thee in the day of trouble; and
believe thou wilt deliver me, and that I shall glorify thee, and praise
thee yet more and more. Thus (as he concludes) I went to bed very ill,
and happy.
“_Sunday 5._ My illness continued and encreased. I had not much
consolation, but was graciously preserved from buffetings. _Monday 6._
Continued in soul as yesterday only with more examination. _Tuesday 7._
I had scarcely any alteration in body or soul. I cried to God, and
he heard me; but the sweet and usual returns of prayer were not.
_Wednesday 8._ God gave me to weep much for the sins of my whole
life. _Thursday 9._ My pains and pleasures, corporal and spiritual,
were as the day before. _Friday 10._ I had more consolation of soul.
_Saturday 11._ The spirit of prayer was plentifully imparted to me: I
could plead the mercies, and promises, and merits of God my Saviour,
and his love and joy were more plentifully poured into my soul.
_Sunday 12._ I had gracious intimations of the good will of God towards
me in this sickness.
“_Monday 13._ I was able to read and pray, and advise friends to love
God and seek him in good earnest, while they had strength. _Tuesday 14._
I was better still, and prayed for the increase of holy love in the
children of God, and for the propagation of the faith in all nations.”
Besides this daily minuting down the state of his soul, he on a general
review (as was his constant manner on these occasions) of the whole,
has, among several other particulars, the following observations,
*“I had a constant witness from the Holy Ghost, that I was a child of
God. However, the sins of my whole life were brought to my remembrance;
particularly those of my heart; the manifold backslidings known only
to God. For altho’ God preserved me from falling even once, into those
sins, in which I lived in the days of my ignorance; nevertheless I saw
my pride, desire, self-will, self-indulgence, levity, and misspending
time.¹ I may add to these, my want of love to God, charity to my
neighbour, and more serious concern for my own soul. I saw how
wonderfully the Lord had dealt with me, raising me from the dust, and
giving me so many and invaluable blessings; so that I ought, more than
all men, to serve and love him.”
¹ So severe a judge was he of himself, while in the judgment
of all who knew his manner of life, he was exemplarily
remarkable for the direct contrary. But “the highest flames
(to use the words of the great, and pious bishop _Taylor_)
are the most tremulous; and so the most holy and eminent
religious persons, are more full of awfulness, and fear,
and modesty, and humility. And it is a sure rule, that
whatsoever heights of piety, union or familiarity, any man
pretends to, it is of the devil, unless the greater also be
the humility of the man.”
“I was moreover deeply convinced how possible, yea easy it is, for a
person after having received great light, love, power, and joy, to fall
notwithstanding, into a certain dulness of soul; and that holy desires,
vehement thirstings after God, and the spirit of prayer, may be
lessened, and lost. Truly we can keep nothing unless the _Holy Ghost_
help our infirmities continually.
*“But the grand lesson of all which in this little interval I learned
was, the absolute necessity of being free from persons, things, and
places. I saw what a tendency the soul has to rest in something beside
God; I saw that even when we give up our beloved sins, and all temporal
things, we are nevertheless apt to rest in the gifts and graces of God;
making them as it were our Saviour, and comforter instead of Christ.”
*“I saw farther, how deeply the love of life and learning had been
rooted in my heart: and that God saw it necessary to correct me often,
to shew me the vanity of both.”
*“I believe he is resolved to save my soul to the uttermost; and he
uses various ways to accomplish this end. I believe this sickness will
be of great service to my soul, and perhaps of more use to the children
of God, than my labours could be. My desire is only to live wholly to
him, and to get more of the love and life of Christ. Lord look upon me,
a weak and unconstant man, and strengthen, and establish my heart with
thy love.
“In exhorting the believers, I found much of divine consolation. O how
sweet were these two hours; and how short! Love is a wonderful thing.”
_Sunday 26._ I was in a high fever, yet when I got with the family,
I forgot my pain, while we conversed of the love of God. It being
_Easter-day_, I examined what I had gained since last _Easter_? And
I trust God has given me more humility, patience, and likeness to
himself.”
He was detained at _Bristol_, thro’ his illness, longer than he had
intended; and was but slightly recovered, when he was told of a ship,
just ready to sail for _Cork_. Being resolved on the journey, and
willing to embrace the very first opportunity, weak as he was, he
embarked at _Pill_ on the 13th of _April_. The passage was ♦extremely
dangerous; insomuch, that the mariners themselves, looked for nothing
less than perishing, so boisterous were the winds and the seas. But see
the blessedness of being true believers in Christ! *Tho’ they expected
every moment to go to the bottom of the great deep; “Yet God, says he,
gave me more faith, and patience, and joy, than ever I felt before.
I could not see death terrible to me. I prayed, and praised God
incessantly; for sleep I could not an hour while on board; and neither
could I eat. But Christ was with me in all, and supported me. I pleaded
with the Lord in behalf of the passengers, beseeching him that he would
not take them away in their sins. They cried out vehemently, ‘We are
not fit to die!’ On their account I did not desire to sleep; I cried
aloud to God in prayer in the cabbin; and they gladly attended _then_.
On _Saturday_ the wind abated, and the next day we landed safe in
_Cork_.”
♦ “extremly” replaced with “extremely”
*On my hearing of his arrival (being then in the county, and it being
many months, since we parted at _London_) I hastened to see him; and
can never forget the idea, which the first sight of him gave me, of
a man in deep _fellowship with_ God. On my opening his room door, and
just appearing, he got up from his chair, being in deep contemplation,
and with a spirit and countenance, composed and solemn as the grave,
he said with a low voice, ‘God bless you.’ We embraced each other
with tears; after which kneeling down, he prayed, as to a _present_
God indeed! with such melting and moving expressions, and with such
reverential confidence, as surpassed all that I had known and admired
in him before; and plainly discovered his having entered since we
parted, much further into _the holiest, by the blood of_ JESUS.
*During the time he stayed here, I was a daily witness of his manner of
life; and saw with much concern, his swift approaching end. He had most
of the symptoms of a consumption, in its last stage: which increased
upon him every day. _The silver cords_ of life began to _loosen, and
the golden bowl_, the whole of this wonderful, and curiously wrought
machine, to _be broken_. He had an intermitting fever, which returned
regularly every day about eleven o’clock; an habitual cough, and most
profuse night-sweats; all which had now so emaciated and weakened
him, that the marks of death already appeared upon him. And yet
notwithstanding this, he still so desired to discourse of the things
of eternity, that, while he was at all able to stand, or speak, he
could not be dissuaded from preaching: and altho’ he brought into the
pulpit the very image of death upon his face, so that it could hardly
be expected he should speak ten minutes; he has nevertheless preached
a full hour, to the astonishment of all who heard him. One would have
thought he must have dropt down dead immediately after.
His internal state, still the object of his close attention, during his
continuance at _Cork_, where there is reason to believe he began first,
to think, this sickness would be unto death, he summarily expresses
thus.
*“_Saturday April 29._ My soul truly waiteth upon God. My body feels
pain and weakness; but my soul enjoys the living fire of the _Holy
Ghost_! Oh, may I die the death of the righteous: and let my last end
be like his! I wait for thy salvation, O Lord! Weak I am, but cannot be
moved while Jesus is my strength. O that every pain may but increase my
love to God! I am supported by the fire within, and by believing that
Jesus is at the right-hand of God.”
The time being come which he had appointed for leaving _Cork_, and
going on to _Limerick_; being attended by his own brother: another
friend and I, accompanied him a dozen miles on the way. At the
inn where we stopped, he discoursed to us at dinner, of the things
pertaining to the life of a Christian, respecting particular instances
of conduct; but his weakness prevented him saying as much as we could
have desired. *I shall never forget our parting! The other persons
being gone down stairs, after he had said some particular things to me,
we kneeled down, and prayed together, for the last time! We then took
our final farewell of each other in this world! He went on his way,
and I went mine; each of us expecting to meet no more, till we met in
happier climes, and in a better world!
*I do not find, that from this time, he kept any further account in
writing, of the daily state of his soul; owing, I am inclined to think,
to the violence of his disorder, which increased now, almost every hour;
and which weakened and impaired the faculties of his mind, as well as
the strength of his body. Hence, beholding things thro’ so defective
a medium, he became in reality, an unfit judge of his own state. The
influence which this kind of disorder in particular, frequently has
upon the powers of the mind, is well known, even to the representing
things which concern one’s self, and others, often directly contrary
to what they really are.
He had the judgment and advice of the best physicians, wherever he
came; who on the slightest intimation, offered their assistance with
all chearfulness, neither expecting nor desiring any other gratuity
than, (as one of them once expressed) “the prayers of Mr. _Walsh_.”
They generally agreed, that his disorder was brought on thro’ excessive
labour――frequent, and loud preaching, intense application to study,
want of proper, and sufficient rest: and fatigue in general. They
likewise judged, that his case was now past all remedy.
*It was however judged advisable, that he should be removed from
_Limerick_, to the more free and open air of the country. He went
thither accordingly, where he had the tenderest and most affectionate
attendance, with whatsoever was judged most proper to alleviate the
rigour of the disease, and restore him, if God should so please, to
health. But it was now too late! And his friends perceiving, that
neither air nor physic availed any thing, they according to his own
inclination and desire, removed him to _Dublin_. His next remove, was
to the city of the great King, the paradise of God!
Concerning the state of his soul, for a few months before his death,
as he wrote nothing on the head during that time, we can speak with
less certainty, than of what has been already related. And embarking
for _England_ soon after we parted, I neither saw nor heard, any thing
particularly concerning him, till a letter brought the tidings of
his being no more in this world. But from the accounts of persons of
undoubted veracity, who attended him during that time, we learn, that
his state was not indeed joyous, but grievous. *He drank of his Lord’s
cup of sorrow, and was in truth deeply, baptized with his baptism. He
was immerged in affliction’s furnace and plunged in the deepest waters.
“His flesh chastized, with tort’ring pain
His soul, and sickness clave his bones;
Keen anguish dwelt in ev’ry vein,
And sadly turn’d his breath to moans.
Sorrow was all his soul; he scarce perceiv’d,
But by the pains he suffer’d, that he liv’d!”
He was tempted, and sorely buffeted of the devil. The nature of his
disorder exposed him to a degree of precipitancy, and discomposure,
which he was more than superior to, while in better health. In short,
so did the wisdom of God permit, that thro’ the malice of _Satan_, the
extreme violence of his disorder, and the concurrence of several other
circumstances, this servant of God, was brought to the utmost extremity
of spiritual distress and anguish, consistent with keeping the faith:
insomuch that it was but few degrees removed from despair.
“His agonizing soul sweat blood!
With Christ he fainted on the tree,
And cry’d in death, ‘My God, my God,
Ah! Why hast thou forsaken me?’”
*His great soul lay thus, as it were in ruins, for some considerable
time; and poured out many a heavy groan, and speechless tear, from
an oppressive heart, and dying body. He sadly bewailed the absence
of him, whose wonted presence had so often given him the victory,
over the manifold contradictions and troubles, which he endured for
his name-sake. A heart so sensible of the visits of its Lord, and so
restless at his smallest absence, as his was throughout his warfare,
must needs be deeply afflicted when left, seemingly to its own poverty,
and surrounded as it were with hosts of infernal fiends, seeking to
devour him. The intervals which he had of cessation from the extremity
of the conflict, and of comparatively quiet confidence in God, are not
perhaps so well known: but that he had such, may well be supposed; for
otherwise his soul and flesh must needs have failed before God.
It was however not till a short time before his complete and eternal
deliverance, that his Lord appeared to his help: and by making himself
known, as Jesus, his well known Saviour, entirely eased the anguish of
his oppressed soul! The beams of his brightness dispersed the clouds:
and the smiles of his countenance more than compensated for all his
night of sorrow. He spoke and said unto him, The winter is passed;
arise my love and come away!
*The manner of his deliverance was as follows. A few friends being at
prayer with him, on _Sunday_ evening; as soon as they concluded, he
desired to be left alone, in order, as he said, “to meditate a little.”
They withdrew; and he remained deeply recollected for some time: just
then, God, dropping into his soul, no doubt, some lively foretaste of
the joys to come, and spreading the day of eternity thro’ the regions
of his inward man; he burst out in transport, and pronounced, in a
dying voice indeed, but with the joy of angels!――――“_He is come!――――He
is come!――――My beloved is mine, and I am his!――――His for ever!_” And
uttering these words, he sweetly breathed out his soul into the arms
of his beloved; on the 8th day of _April 1759_, and in the 28th year
of his age.
The CONCLUSION.
WE cannot sufficiently admire and adore, the unsearchable counsels, and
impenetrable secrets of God our Saviour, with respect to the management
of his kingdom, and the disposal of his servants. Two reflections are
natural, on considering the preceding account in general.
*1. To see a man delivered from the blindness of error and superstition,
and brought into the light and enjoyment of truth; the knowledge of
the true God and of his spiritual worship――to see him brought out from
the obscurity of retirement, and that by the remarkable interposition
of divine providence, in order to spread the savour of the knowledge
of God, among mankind, in the most public manner――to consider him
as singularly fitted for this, by knowledge, by the word of truth,
dwelling richly in him; by purity, by zeal for God’s glory, by the
armour of righteousness, and by the power of God, attending his
word――To see such an one cut off from among men, in the prime of life,
just fully furnished for promoting the kingdom of the Son of God, to
which he was entirely devoted, is a thing which will be acknowledged
to confound human understanding.
Without entring deeply into the matter, one may easily learn herefrom,
at least a confirmation of that weighty truth, that _God is not
worshipped_, or served _by mens hands, as tho’ he needed any_ person or
_thing_. He leaves no one any room to say or think within themselves,
that the cause and glory of God needed them, or at least had _some_
connexion with our standing or being removed. He is at no time at a
loss how to serve his own glory, and the necessities of his creatures.
Hereby moreover he would stain the pride of human glory; and teach us,
what can never be too fully learned, to walk humbly with our God; not
to judge according to appearances; and to learn to conceive of things
and persons, not according to bare human estimation, but according to
the will of God. O that we may learn from every occurrence, to fly to
him, in all our affections and desires! Then whenever our change comes,
we shall be welcomed by superior beings, and not much missed by men,
who delight in novelties.
Whatever secret reasons might be the cause of such a procedure, in
the divine disposals; whether ingratitude, or something bordering upon
idolatry in the people, or whatever was the cause, certain it is, that
we need never fail to reap instruction and advantage, from such awful
providences; the decease of our dearest friends, since
“For _us_ they languish, and for us they die!”
2. But what may seem most strange is, that a person so eminent for
piety, so laborious for God’s glory; so exemplarily religious, in
the whole of his conversation; so useful to others: in a word, so
entirely, and unreservedly devoted to Christ, should in the time of
his greatest necessity, be so destitute of spiritual comfort. And it
must be acknowledged, in great measure, to be a part of those _ways_,
of which God giveth account to none. _His ♦judgments are unsearchable,
and his ways past finding out. His way is in the sea, and his paths in
the great waters; and his footsteps are not known._ And who shall say
to God, “What dost thou?” “What I do thou knowest not _now_,” is indeed
applicable to the general course of God’s providences; and to much of
the experience of Christians in particular; and perhaps this is the
best footing on which to rest the present case, namely the mysterious
councils of God, with respect to his dealings with his servants: with
him we are considering in particular.
♦ “judgment” replaced with “judgments”
Who can account for that providence which left the life of so holy a
person as _John_ the _Baptist_, in such infamous hands! Which permitted
it to be sacrificed to the malice of an abandoned harlot, the petulancy
of a vain girl, and the rashness of a foolish, perhaps drunken prince,
who made a prophet’s head the reward of a dance? The same reasoning
has weight, with respect to the treatment which he has permitted his
most eminent servants in all ages to meet with. It is the fixed decree
of heaven, concerning the righteous, that through much tribulation
(outward or inward, or both) they must enter the kingdom of God. And
the most part of ecclesiastical story, is in great measure no other
than a comment on this great truth; which likewise receives abundant
confirmation from numberless parts of holy scripture.
There may be, for ought that can be known by us, a certain resemblance
in some particulars, between his case of whom we speak, and that of
_Job_ (see chapter ii. 3‒6.) But in both, and indeed in all resembling
instances, the hand of the Lord is visibly seen; that he is pitiful,
and of tender mercy, and afflicts his children only for their profit,
that they might partake of his holiness. And we are well assured, that
he will repay his servants in another world, for whatever they suffer
in this: even ♦such as fill up that which is behind of the afflictions
of Christ in their flesh.
♦ word “of” removed per Errata
As to the difficulty of reconciling with his former enjoyments, and
professions, such a state of conflict and discomfort, as this his last
stage was accompanied with, it may be considered, that although it
was uncommon, yet the case is not singular: to recite examples would
be endless. It is true, that God has given us multiply’d and various
instances, in the last stages of his servants in most ages, both of
triumphant superiority to sickness, pain and death in some: of holy
mourning, deep abasement, and patient resignation, in others: and
there have been those likewise, whose last ♦sicknesses have been such
times of painful purgation from human foibles, and sore conflict from
diabolical temptations, that the utmost they have been able to do, has
been to abide in the furnace; till patience having had its perfect work,
they just stept from the cross――to the crown! Witnessing, only with
their parting breath, Victory! Victory! And all this it is impossible
to account for, by appearances.
♦ “sickness” replaced with “sicknesses” per Errata
Thus we hear one, in his last sickness saying, “I am by the wonderful
mercy of God, as full of comfort as my heart can hold, I feel nothing
in my soul but Christ, with whom I heartily desire to be.” Another, “I
am like a bird upon the wing, and would fain be at _Immanuel_’s land,
where the tree of life is. Here I am a weak man, in the hands of the
king of terrors, rejoicing in hope of the glory that shall be revealed;
and that by the death and resurrection of a despised Christ. All
these soft clothes are like sack cloth, and yet I have perfect rest
of spirit.” Another, “O how does the love of God wipe off all pain!
The servants of God suffer nothing. Their trials are but for a moment;
their joys are eternal!” Ten thousand instances of this sort might be
alledged, in the present generation (to look no farther)――――Persons who
throughout a course of pains and wants, evidenced the ♦glorious
conquest which faith gives over all our enemies, and over death, the
last of all.
♦ “victorious” replaced with “glorious” per Errata
There have been those on the other hand, who after a course of useful
and holy living; of eminency in wisdom, and in favour with God, have
nevertheless, towards the setting of their sun, wanted those joyous
beams of triumphant light and life; and who approached their seat
of repose with many tears and sighs; with shame, and confusion, and
hopes, and dependence; and even at the last, left nothing particularly
memorable, for the discourse, and joy of the survivors;¹ but who
notwithstanding, have attained their wished-for port, and enjoy the
pleasures of those peaceful mansions! _John xiv. 2._
¹ St. _Austin_ is said to have had the penitential psalms
wrote in large characters, and pinned to the inside of the
curtains of his dying bed, desiring to die as he repeated
them with weeping.
Bishop _Usher_ followed the same example and prayed
earnestly to God, to pardon his sins of omission.
“Where conflicts past, redouble present joys!”
Diversity of complexions, different periods of grace, or divine
dispensations; with a thousand particulars known best to God, may be
taken into consideration, in attempting to account for this difference
in the divine disposals concerning his servants. But I forbear
attempting to solve, that of which I am free to profess my ignorance:
and wait for that light, which will infallibly
―――throw full day on darkest scenes of time.
It may be farther observed concerning this servant of God, that
although his comforts had been exceeding great throughout most part
of his experience, yet he had frequent and violent encounters with the
enemy: so that sometimes we find in the same paragraph, acknowledgments
of the great joy and peace which he felt, and complainings of grievous
temptations and trials. Take an instance or two among a thousand, in
his own words.
“I found in retirement sore struggles and deep consolation.” And again,
although love and joy lived and flowed in me, yet I wept and made
supplication, being strongly tempted of the devil. Ah, Lord! Thou
knowest my state, and trials! And my groanings are not hid from thee!
What conflicts with myself do I daily feel!
Some are tempted most in the beginning of their conversion, some
towards the latter end, and others there are, who are sorely tempted
throughout their whole life. The latter was his case. But now
especially, his natural faculties weakning in proportion to the decay
of his bodily strength, rendered him the fitter mark for Satan, to
attack with his last and most violent assaults, which therefore he
plyed to purpose. He could not however make him let go his integrity:
nor did he alter his sentiments, concerning any point of Christian
doctrine, or retract any thing he had formerly said relating thereto.
And as to the course of his most secret walking, altho’ on the whole,
he saw nothing whereof to glory in himself before God; but rather
was continually filled with holy shame and deep abasements, at the
disparity which he still perceived between himself and his holy
Lord; yet there was no particular sin since his conversion, with the
cherishing of which he could charge himself. To which may be added,
that in the midst of this _hour and power of darkness_, he never once
charged God foolishly; but on the contrary he sought to him with groans,
and tears, and cries, without ceasing!
His sufferings both of body and mind were great beyond description:
but when we consider, thus did God permit concerning him, it puts to
silence every doubtful, evil reasoning on the head. By constituting him
a perfect sufferer, God thereby, made him the more conformable to his
suffering, conquering Son; that _Man of sorrows and acquainted with
griefs_! And rendered his condition not that of a bastard, or base-born
child, abandoned of God, and rejected; but on the contrary, that of a
beloved Son scourged and purified by his heavenly Father, that he might
thereby, more eminently partake of his holiness and glory. And should
heaven permit his conveying to us his present sentiments, concerning
his momentary afflictions, we should certainly hear him pronounce to
this effect.
For _all_ I bless thee; most, for the _severe_;
Amidst my list of blessings infinite,
Stand this the foremost, “_that my heart has bled_.”
He had hope in his end, and therefore ceased not to cry to Jesus, who
was with him in _reality_ all the while, in the furnace; and finally
appeared his _friend_ and his _beloved_!
“Tryed to the last but not forsook;
But honour’d with distinguish’d grace,
Heaven-ward he cast a dying look,
And saw once more his Saviour’s face.
‘He’s come! My well-belov’d, he said,
And I am his, and he is mine!’
He spake, he gaz’d, he bow’d his head,
And sunk into the arms divine!”
On the whole, I profess, that although on my first hearing of the
afflictive scene through which he passed, I was more astonished than
at any thing I ever remember to have happened to myself or others;
remaining in dumb suspense, at what could be the cause of so unexpected
a procedure? Nevertheless, I am now inclined to consider the whole
affair as an argument, rather of his strength than the contrary.
His supporting at all under such extreme sufferings, not a little
demonstrates his great soul, and nearness of conformity to God his
Saviour,
“Who drank in his sad days of flesh
The potion by his Father given;
And bids his members feel afresh
The fierceness of the wrath of heaven.”
If thou faintest, saith _Solomon_ in the day of adversity, thy strength
is but small: and by parity of reason, to stand in a time of sore trial
argues proportionable strength. Avert, my God, avert from my soul, ill
able to bear it, such a time of trial! O Jesus, by all thou hast done
and suffered; by thine agony, and bloody sweat, by thy cross and bitter
passion, by thy meritorious death; thy resting in the chambers of the
grave, thy triumphant resurrection, and ascension; and by thy coming
again in glory; in the time of sickness, in death, and in judgment,
deliver my soul, I beseech thee!
In thy fair book of life divine,
My God inscribe my name;
There let me fill some humble shrine,
Beneath the slaughter’d Lamb!
O might I with my ♦closing eyes,
Thee in thy bloody vesture see,
And cast me on thy sacrifice,
Jesus, my Lord, remember me!
♦ “parting breath” replaced with “closing eyes” per Errata
The thoughts of being quickly loosed from the fetters of the body, had
often filled his soul with the most sensible delights, desiring nothing
so much as to see God: and the approaches of eternity did often so
enflame his desires, that he was sometimes in a degree of transport.
But after all that can be said on the head of this his last scene, and
indeed of the methods of God’s providential dispensations in general,
concerning nations or individual persons, it seems the wisest and best
method to rest in that sentiment, namely not curiously to scan them;
but rather to adore in humble silence, his unsearchable judgments and
impenetrable secrets!
Not deeply to discern not much to know,
Mankind was born to _wonder_ and _adore_!
Whatever is permitted to befal them in this world, we are well assured
_it shall be well with the righteous_. All things, whether prosperous
or adverse, shall work together for their good. He that liveth forever
saith, _I come quickly_――――to put a final period to the whole of mortal
things, and determine the states of all the children of _Adam_ for
ever! His reward is with him! We shall see him as he is! Though now we
see him not, yet _believing_ we rejoice! O Jesus, work in our hearts
that conformity to and resemblance of thyself, that we may seek nothing,
but night and day think of, long for, and joyfully wait for thine
appearance!
An EXTRACT of the LIFE
OF THE LATE
Rev. Mr. DAVID BRAINERD,
MISSIONARY to the INDIANS.
ADVERTISEMENT.
THOSE _parts of the following history that are included between_
brackets _thus_ [ ], _are the words of the_ publisher, _Mr._ Jonathan
Edwards, _minister of_ Northampton _in_ New-England, _for the most part
summarily representing the chief things contained in_ Mr. Brainerd’s
_diary: the rest is the account that he gives of himself in his private
writings, in his own words_.
PART I.
_From his birth to the time when he began to devote himself
to the_ study of divinity.
[MR. David Brainerd was born April 20, 1718, at Haddam, a town
belonging to the county of Hartford, in the colony of Connecticut,
New-England. His father, who died when he was about nine years of age,
was the worshipful Hezekiah Brainerd, Esq. one of his Majesty’s council
for that colony, and the son of Daniel Brainerd, Esq. a justice of
the peace, and a deacon of the church in Haddam. His mother was Mrs.
Dorothy Hobart, daughter to the Rev. Mr. Jeremiah Hobart, who preached
awhile at Topsfield, and then removed to Hempstead, on Long-Island,
and afterwards came and settled in the work of the ♦ministry at Haddam;
where he died in the 85th year of his age; of whom it is remarkable,
that he went to the public worship in the forenoon, and died in his
chair between meetings.
♦ “ministy” replaced with “ministry”
Mr. David Brainerd was the third son of his parents. They had five
sons and four daughters. The eldest son is Hezekiah Brainerd, Esq. a
justice of the peace, and for several years past a representative of
the town of Haddam, in the general assembly of Connecticut colony; the
second was the Rev. Nehemiah Brainerd, a worthy minister at Eastbury
in Connecticut, who died of a consumption November 10, 1742; the 4th
is Mr. John Brainerd, who succeeds his brother David as missionary
to the Indians, and pastor of the same church of Christian Indians in
New-Jersey; and the 5th was Israel, late student at Yale-college in
New-Haven, who died since his brother David.――Mrs. Dorothy Brainerd
having lived several years a widow, died when her son David was about
14 years of age: so that in his youth he was left both fatherless and
motherless. What account he has given of himself follows.]
I WAS from my youth something sober and inclined to melancholy, but do
not remember any conviction of sin, till I was seven or eight years of
age; when I grew terrified at the thoughts of death, but this concern
was short lived. However, I sometimes attended secret prayer; and thus
lived at ease till I was above thirteen years of age. But in the winter
1732, I was something roused by the prevailing of a mortal sickness in
Haddam. I was frequent, constant, and something fervent in duties, and
took delight in reading, especially Mr. Janeway’s _Token for Children_;
I was sometimes much melted in duties, and took great delight in the
performance of them. The Spirit of God at this time proceeded far with
me; I was remarkably dead to the world, and my thoughts were almost
wholly employed about my soul’s concerns! I may indeed say, “Almost
I was persuaded to be a Christian.” I was also exceedingly distressed
at the death of my mother, in March, 1732. But afterwards I by degrees
fell back into security, though I still attended to secret prayer.
About the 15th of April 1733, I removed to East-Haddam, where I spent
four years. Here I went a round of secret duty. I was not much addicted
to young company: but when I did go into it, it always added new guilt
to me, and made me afraid to come to the throne of grace.
About the latter end of April 1737, being full nineteen, I removed
to Durham, and began to work on my farm, and so continued till I was
twenty years old; tho’ frequently longing after a liberal education.
When I was about twenty, I applied myself to study, and was engaged
more than ever in the duties of religion. I became very watchful over
my thoughts, words and actions, because I designed to devote myself to
the ministry.
Some time in April 1738, I went to Mr. Fiske’s, and lived with him
during his life¹. He advised me wholly to abandon young company, and
associate myself with grave elderly people: which counsel I followed;
and my manner of life was now exceeding regular. I read my bible more
than twice through in less than a year. I spent much time every day
in secret-duties; I gave great attention to the word preached, and
endeavoured to retain it. I agreed with some young persons to meet on
sabbath-evenings for religious exercises; and after our meeting was
ended, I used to repeat the discourses of the day to myself, though
sometimes it was late in the night. On Monday mornings I used to
recollect the same sermons. And I had sometimes considerable movings
of affections in duties, and much pleasure therein.
¹ Mr. Fiske was pastor of the church in Haddam.
After Mr. Fiske’s death, I proceeded in my learning with my brother,
and was still very constant in religious duties. Thus I proceeded on a
_self-righteous_ foundation;¹ and should still had not the mere mercy
of God prevented.
¹ I doubt that: I believe, this was true religion as far as it
went.
In the beginning of winter, 1738, it pleased God one sabbath-day
morning, as I was walking out for secret duties, to give me on a
sudden, such a sense of my danger, and the wrath of God, that I stood
amazed, and was much distressed all that day, fearing the vengeance of
God would soon overtake me. I kept much alone, and sometimes grudged
the birds and beasts their happiness, because they were not exposed
to eternal misery, as I saw I was. And thus I lived from day to day,
in great distress: sometimes there appeared mountains before me to
obstruct my hopes of mercy; I used, however to pray and cry to God,
and perform other duties with great earnestness.
In February, 1738‒9, I set apart a day for secret fasting and prayer,
and spent the day in almost incessant cries to God, that he would open
my eyes to see the evil of sin, and the way of life by Jesus Christ.
And God was pleased that day to make considerable discoveries of my
heart to me, and to shew me my _helplessness_. I constantly strove
after whatever _qualifications_ I imagined others obtained before the
reception of Christ. Sometimes I felt the power of an _hard heart_, and
supposed it must be _softened_ before Christ would accept of me; and
when I felt any meltings of heart, I hoped now the work was almost done;
and hence, when my distress still remained, I was wont to murmur at
God’s dealings with me.
*Sometimes I grew _remiss_ without any great convictions for a
considerable time together; but after such a season, convictions
seized me more violently. One night in particular, when I was walking
solitarily abroad, I had such a view of my sin, that I feared the
ground would cleave asunder, and send my soul quick into hell. And
though I was forced to go to bed, lest my distress should be discovered
by others; yet I scarce durst sleep at all, for I thought it would be
a great wonder, if I should be out of hell in the morning. But though
my distress was thus great, yet I dreaded the loss of convictions,
and returning back to my former insensibility; which made me exceeding
exact in my behaviour, lest I should stifle the motions of God’s spirit.
The many distresses I met with, put me into a most _horrible
contesting_ with the Almighty: with an inward vehemence, finding fault
with his ways of dealing with mankind. I found great fault with the
imputation of Adam’s sin to his posterity; and my wicked heart often
wished for some other way of salvation, than by Jesus Christ. I wished
sometimes there was no God, or that there were some other God that
could controul him. These thoughts frequently passed before I was aware;
but, when I considered this, it distressed me, to think, that my heart
was so full of enmity against God; and it made me tremble, lest God’s
vengeance should suddenly fall upon me. I used before, to imagine my
heart was not so bad, as the scriptures represented. Sometimes I used
to take much pains to bring it into an humble submissive disposition;
but on a sudden, the thoughts of the strictness of the law, or the
sovereignty of God, would so irritate the corruption of my heart, that
it would break over all bounds, and burst forth on all sides, like
floods of waters when they break down their damm.
While I was in this distressed state, the _corruption_ of my heart was
especially _irritated_ by these things following,
1. The _strictness_ of the divine _law_. For I found it was impossible
for me (after my utmost pains) to answer the demands of it. I often
made resolutions, and as often broke them. I imputed the whole to
want of being more watchful, and used to call myself a fool for
my negligence. But when, upon a stronger resolution, and greater
endeavours, fasting and prayer, I found all attempts fail, then I
quarrelled with the law of God, as unreasonably rigid. I thought,
if it extended only to my outward actions, I could bear with it; but
I found it condemned me for the sins of my heart, which I could not
possibly prevent. I was extremely loath to give out, and own my utter
helplessness; but after repeated disappointments, thought that, rather
than perish, I could do a little more still, especially if such and
such circumstances might but attend my endeavours; I hoped, that I
should strive more earnestly than ever: and this hope of future more
favourable circumstances, and of doing something hereafter, kept me
from utter despair of myself, and from seeing myself fallen into the
hands of God, and dependent on nothing but boundless grace.
*2. Another thing was, that _faith alone_ was the _condition of
salvation_; and that God would not come down to lower terms; that
he would not promise life and salvation upon my sincere prayers and
endeavours. That word, Mark xvi. 16. “He that believeth not, shall be
damned,” cut off all hope there; and I found, faith was the gift of God;
that I could not get it of myself, and could not oblige God to bestow
it upon me, by any of my performances. “This,” I was ready to say, “is
a hard saying, who can bear it?” I could not bear, that all I had done
should stand for a mere nothing, who had been very conscientious in
duty, and had been exceeding religious a great while, and had (as I
thought) done much more than many others that had obtained mercy. I
confessed indeed the vileness of my duties; but then, what made them at
that time seem vile, was my wandering thoughts in them; not because I
was all over defiled, and the principle corrupt from whence they flowed,
so that I could not possibly do any thing that was good. And therefore
I called what I did, by the name of faithful endeavours; and could not
bear it, that God had made no promises of salvation to them.
*3. Another thing was, that I could not find out how to come to Christ.
I read the calls of Christ, made to the _weary_ and _heavy laden_; but
could find no way that he directed them to come in. I thought I would
gladly come, if I knew _how_, though the path of duty directed to what
was never so difficult. Mr. Stoddard’s _Guide_ to _Christ_ did not tell
me any thing I could do, that would bring me to Christ, but left me as
it were with a great gulph between me and Christ, without any direction
to get through. For I was not yet experimentally taught, that there
could be no way prescribed, whereby a natural man could of his own
strength, obtain that which is supernatural, and which the highest
angel cannot give.
*All this time the Spirit of God was powerfully at work with me; and I
was inwardly pressed to relinquish all _self-confidence_, all hopes of
ever helping myself by any means whatsoever; and the conviction of my
_lost_ estate was sometimes so clear, that it was as if it had been
declared to me in so many words, “It is done, it is for ever impossible
to deliver yourself.” For about three or four days, my soul was thus
distressed, especially at some turns, when for a few moments I seemed
to myself lost and undone: but then would shrink back immediately from
the sight, because I dared not venture myself into the hands of God, as
wholly helpless. I dared not see that important truth, that I was _dead
in trespasses and sins_. But when I had thrust away these views of
myself at any time, I was distressed to have the same discoveries again:
for I greatly feared being given over of God to final stupidity. When I
thought of putting it off to a _more convenient season_, the conviction
was so powerful with regard to the present time, that it was the best
time, and probably the only time, that I dared not to put it off. Yet
my soul shrank away from it; I could see no safety in throwing myself
into the hands of God, and that I could lay no claim to any thing
better than damnation.
*But after a considerable time spent in such distresses, one morning,
while I was walking in a solitary place, as usual, I at once saw that
all my contrivances to procure salvation for myself, were utterly _in
vain_: I was brought quite to a stand as finding myself totally _lost_.
I had thought many times, that the difficulties were very great; but
now I saw, that it was for ever impossible for me to do any thing
towards delivering myself. I then blamed myself, that I had not done
more, while I had opportunity; (for it seemed now as if the season of
doing was for ever over and gone.) But I instantly saw, that let me
have done what I would, it would no more have tended to my helping
myself, than what I had done; that I had made all the pleas I ever
could have made to all eternity; and that all my pleas were vain. The
_tumult_ that had been before in my mind, was now _quieted_; and I
was something eased of that distress, which I felt, while struggling
against a sight of myself. I had the greatest certainty that my state
was forever miserable, for all that I could do: and was astonished that
I had never been sensible of it before.
While I remained in this state, my _notions_ respecting my _duties_,
were quite different from what I had ever entertained in times past.
Now I saw, there was no necessary connection between my prayers and
the divine mercy: that they laid not the least obligation upon God to
bestow his grace upon me; and that there was no more goodness in them,
than there would be in my paddling with my hand in the water; and this
because they were not performed from any love to God. I saw that I
had heaped up my devotions before God, fasting, praying, &c. really
thinking I was aiming at the glory of God; whereas I never once truly
intended it.¹
¹ I doubt that.
I continued in this state of mind from Friday morning till the
sabbath-evening following, July 12, 1739, when I was walking again in
the same solitary place, and attempting to pray, but found no heart
to engage in that or any other duty. Having been thus endeavouring to
pray for near half an hour, (and by this time the sun was about half an
hour high) as I was walking in a dark thick grove, _unspeakable glory_
opened to the view of my soul: I do not mean any external brightness,
but a new inward apprehension or view that I had of God, such as I
never had before. I stood still and admired! I had never seen before
any thing comparable to it for excellency and beauty; it was widely
different from all the conceptions that ever I had of God, or things
divine. I had no particular apprehension of any one person in the
Trinity, either the Father, the Son, or the Holy Ghost; but it appeared
to be _divine glory_ that I then beheld; and my soul _♦rejoiced with
joy unspeakable_, to see such a God, such a glorious divine being; and
I was inwardly pleased and satisfied, that he should be God over all
for ever and ever. My soul was so captivated and delighted with the
excellency, loveliness, greatness, and other perfections of God, that
I was even swallowed up in him, so that at _first_, I scarce reflected
there was such a creature as myself.
♦ “rerejoiced” replaced with “rejoiced”
Thus God, brought me to a hearty disposition to _exalt him_, and to aim
at his glory, as King of the universe.
I continued in this state till near dark, without any sensible
abatement; and then began to think what I had seen; and was sweetly
composed all the evening following. I felt myself in a new world, and
every thing about me appeared with a different aspect from what it was
wont to do.
*At this time the _way of salvation_ opened to me with such infinite
wisdom and excellency, that I wondered I should ever think of any
other way of salvation; was amazed, that I had not dropped my own
contrivances, and complied with this excellent way before. If I could
have been saved by my own duties, or any other way that I had formerly
contrived, my whole soul would now have refused. I wondered, that the
whole world did not see and comply with this way of salvation, entirely
by the _merits of Christ_.
The sweet relish of what I then felt, continued with me for several
days, in a greater or less degree; I could not but sweetly rejoice
in God, lying down or rising up. The next Lord’s day I felt something
of the same kind, though not so powerful. But not long after, was
again under great distress; yet not of the same kind with my distress
under convictions. I was afraid and ashamed to come before God; was
exceedingly pressed with a sense of guilt: but it was not long before
I felt true repentance and joy in God.
In the beginning of September I went to college¹, and entered there;
but with some degree of reluctance, fearing lest I should not be able
to lead a life of strict religion, in the midst of so many temptations.
――――After this, before, I went to tarry at college, it pleased God
to visit my soul with clearer manifestations of himself in prayer and
self-examination; and the Lord so shined into my heart, that I enjoyed
full assurance of his favour; and my soul was unspeakably refreshed. At
this time especially, as well as some others, sundry passages of God’s
word opened to my soul with divine clearness, power and sweetness, so
as to appear exceeding precious, and with clear and certain evidence
of its being _the word of God_. I enjoyed considerable sweetness in
♦religion all the winter following.
¹ Yale college, in New-haven.
♦ “religon” replaced with “religion”
In January 1739‒40, the measles spread much in college; and I having
taken the distemper, went home to Haddam. For some days before I was
taken sick, my soul mourned the absence of the Comforter: it seemed to
me, all comfort was gone; I cried to God, yet found no relief. But a
night or two before I was taken ill, while I was walking alone, engaged
in meditation and prayer, I enjoyed a sweet, refreshing visit from
above, so that my soul was raised far above the fears of death; O how
much more refreshing this one season was than all the pleasures earth
can afford! After a day or two I was taken with the measles, and almost
despaired of life; but had no distressing fears of death. However,
I soon recovered: yet by reason of hard studies, I had little time
for spiritual duties; my soul often mourned for want of more time and
opportunity to be alone with God. In the spring and summer following,
I had better advantage for retirement and enjoyed more comfort: indeed
my ambition in my studies greatly wronged the vigour of my spiritual
life: yet “in the multitude of my thoughts within me, God’s comforts
delighted my soul.”
One day in particular, (June 1740) I walked in the fields alone, and
found such unspeakable sweetness in God, that I thought, if I must
continue still in this evil world, I wanted always to be there to
behold God’s glory: my soul dearly loved all mankind, and longed
exceedingly that they should enjoy what I enjoyed.――It seemed to be
a little resemblance of heaven.
In August following, I became so disordered, by too close application
to my studies, that I was advised to go home, and disengage my mind
from study, for I began to spit blood. I took advice, but being brought
very low, I looked death in the face more stedfastly. The Lord was
pleased to give me a sweet relish of divine things, and my soul took
delight in the blessed God.
*Saturday, October 18. In my morning devotions, my soul was exceedingly
melted for, and bitterly mourned over, my exceeding _sinfulness_ and
_vileness_. I never before felt so deep a sense of the odious nature
of sin. My soul was unusually carried forth in love to God, and had a
lively sense of God’s love to me. And this love and hope, cast out fear.
*October 19. In the morning I felt my soul _hungering and thirsting
after righteousness_. In the forenoon, while I was looking on the
sacramental elements, and thinking that Jesus Christ would soon be “set
forth crucified before me,” my soul was filled with light and love, so
that I was almost in an ecstasy; my body was so weak, I could scarcely
stand. I felt at the same time an exceeding tenderness and most fervent
love towards all mankind; so that my soul and all the powers of it
seemed, as it were, to melt into softness and sweetness. This love and
joy cast out fear; and my soul longed for perfect grace and glory.
*Tuesday, October 21. I had likewise experience of the goodness of
God in “shedding abroad his love in my heart,” and all the remaining
part of the week, my soul was taken up with divine things. I now so
longed after God, and _to be freed from_ sin, that when I felt myself
recovering, and thought I must return to college again, which had
proved so hurtful to me the year past, I could not but be grieved, and
I thought I had much rather have died; but before I went, I enjoyed
several other sweet and precious seasons of communion with God.
I returned to college about November 6, and through the goodness of God,
felt the power of religion almost daily.
November 28. I enjoyed precious discoveries of God, and was unspeakably
refreshed with that passage, Hebrews xii. 22, 23, 24, so that my soul
longed to wing away for the paradise of God; I longed to be conformed
to God in all things.
Tuesday, December 9. God was pleased wonderfully to assist and
strengthen me; so that I thought nothing should ever move me from the
love of God in Christ Jesus my Lord.――O! _one hour with God_ infinitely
exceeds all the pleasures of this lower world.
Towards the latter end of January, 1740‒41, I grew more _cold_ and
_dull_ in matters of religion, by means of my old temptation, ambition
in my studies.――But through divine goodness, a great and general
_awakening_ spread itself over the college, about the latter end of
February, in which I was much quickened, and more abundantly engaged
in religion.
[This awakening was at the beginning of that extraordinary religious
commotion through the land, which is fresh in every one’s memory.
This awakening was for a time very great and general at New-Haven; and
the college had no small share in it: the students in general became
serious, many of them remarkably so, and much engaged in the concerns
of their eternal salvation.
It could not be otherwise than that one whose heart had been so drawn
to God, should be mightily animated, at the sight of such an alteration
in the college, the town, and land; of mens reforming their lives, and
turning from profaneness and immorality, to seriousness and concern
for their salvation, and of religion’s reviving and flourishing almost
every where. But as an intemperate zeal, soon mingled itself with that
revival of religion: so Mr. Brainerd had the unhappiness to have a
tincture of it. One instance of which it is necessary should be related.
In the time of the awakening at college, several students associated
themselves, who were wont freely to open themselves one to another: Mr.
Brainerd was one of this company. And it once happened, that he and two
or three more of these his intimate friends were in the hall together,
after Mr. Whittelsey, one of the tutors, had been to prayer there
with the scholars; no other person now remaining in the hall, but Mr.
Brainerd and these his companions. Mr. Whittelsey having been unusually
pathetical in his prayer, one of Brainerd’s friends asked him what he
thought of Mr. Whittelsey; he made answer, “He has no more grace than
this chair.” One happening at that time to be near the hall over-heard
those words, though he knew not who the person was, which was thus
censured. He informed a woman who went and informed the rector. He sent
for the man and examined him; and he told the rector the words that he
heard Brainerd utter, and informed him who were in the room with him at
that time. Upon which the rector sent for them: they were very backward
to inform against their friend, of what they looked upon as private
conversation, yet the rector compelled them to declare what he said,
and of whom he said it.――Brainerd thought, that what he said in private,
was injuriously extorted from his friends, and that it was injuriously
required of him to make a public confession, before the whole college,
for what he had said only in private conversation.――He not complying
with this demand, and having gone once to the separate meeting at
New-Haven, when forbidden by the rector, was expelled the college.
His expulsion was in the winter _anno_ 1741‒2, while he was in his
third year in college.]
PART II.
_From the time that he began to devote himself to the_ study
of divinity, _till he was examined and licensed to_ preach.
[MR. Brainerd, the spring after his expulsion, went to live with the
Rev. Mr. Mills, of Ripton, to follow his studies with him, in order to
his being fitted for the ministry; where he spent the greater part of
the time till licensed to preach.]――The following account is in his own
words.
Thursday, April 1, 1742. I seem to be declining with respect to my
life and warmth in divine things; O that God would humble me deeply in
the dust! I deserve hell every day, for not loving my Lord more, “who
has loved me, and given himself for me;” and every time I am enabled
to exercise any grace, I am indebted to the God of all grace for it.
“Where then is boasting?” Surely “it is excluded,” since we depend on
God for the being and every act of grace.
*Friday, April 2. I felt myself much resigned, calm, and serene.
What are all the storms of this lower world, if _Jesus_ does but come
_♦walking on the seas_!――Some time past, I had much pleasure in the
prospect of the Heathen’s being brought home to Christ, and desired
that the Lord would employ _me_ in that work;――but now my soul more
frequently desires to die, _to be with Christ_. O that my soul were
wrapt up in love, and my longing after God increased!
♦ “walk-on” replaced with “walking on”
Saturday, April 3. I thought, if God would take me to himself, my soul
would exceedingly rejoice. O that I may be always humble and resigned
to God, and that God would fix my soul on himself, that I may be more
fitted both for doing and suffering!
*Lord’s-day, April 4. O my blessed God! Let me climb up near to him,
and love, and long, and plead, and wrestle, and reach, and stretch
after him, and for deliverance from the body of sin and death.――Alas!
my soul mourned to think I should ever lose sight of its Beloved again.
“O come, Lord Jesus, Amen.”
*Tuesday, April 6. I cried to God to wash my soul, and cleanse me from
my exceeding filthiness.――And I could think of undergoing the greatest
sufferings, with pleasure; and found myself willing (if God should so
order it) to suffer banishment from my native land, among the Heathen,
that I might do something for their salvation, in distresses and deaths
of any kind.――Then God gave me to wrestle earnestly for others, for the
kingdom of Christ in the world, and for my dear Christian friends.――I
felt myself weaned from the world, and from my own reputation,
willing to be despised, and to be a gazing-stock for the world.――It is
impossible for me to express what I then felt: I had not much joy, but
a sense of the majesty of God, which made me tremble; I saw myself mean
and vile, which made me more willing that God should do what he would
with me; it was all infinitely reasonable.
Thursday, April 8. I had hopes respecting the Heathen. O that God
would bring in numbers of them to Christ! I cannot but hope I shall see
that glorious day.――Every thing in this world seems exceeding vile and
little to me: I look so myself.
Saturday, April 10. I spent much time in secret this morning, and not
without some comfort; but am so low, and feel so little of the presence
of God, that I hardly know what to call faith, and am made to “possess
the sins of my youth,” and the dreadful sin of my nature, and am all
sin. Yet I feel some faint hopes, that God will, of his infinite mercy,
return.
Lord’s-day, April 11. I had sweetness in the thoughts of arriving at
the heavenly world. O for the happy day!――After public worship God gave
me special assistance in prayer; I wrestled with my dear Lord with much
sweetness; and intercession was a sweet and delightful employment.――In
the evening, as I was viewing the lights in the north, I was delighted
in contemplation on the glorious morning of the resurrection.
*Monday, April 12. This morning the Lord was pleased to lift up the
light of his countenance upon me in secret prayer, and made the season
very precious to my soul. I felt myself exceeding calm, and quite
resigned to God, respecting my future employment: my faith lifted me
above the world, and removed all those mountains, that I could not look
over of late: I wanted not the favour of men to lean upon; for I knew
Christ’s favour was infinitely better, and that it was no matter _when_,
nor _where_, nor _how_ Christ should send me, nor what trials he should
exercise me with, if I might be prepared for his work and will. I now
found sweetly revived in my mind the wonderful discovery of infinite
wisdom in all the dispensations of God towards me, which I had a little
before I met with my great trial at college; every thing appeared full
of the wisdom of God.
Wednesday, April 14. My soul longed for communion with Christ, and for
the mortification of indwelling corruption, especially spiritual pride.
O there is a sweet day coming, wherein “the weary will be at rest!”
My soul has enjoyed much sweetness this day in the hopes of its speedy
arrival.
Thursday, April 15. My desires centered in God, and I found a sensible
attraction of soul after him: _I long for God_, and a conformity to his
will, in inward holiness, ten thousand times more than for any thing
here below.
Lord’s-day, April 18. I retired early this morning in the woods; and
was enabled to plead with fervency for the advancement of Christ’s
kingdom.――At night I saw myself infinitely indebted to God, and had a
view of my short comings: it seemed to me, that I had done nothing for
God, and that I had _lived to him_ but a few hours of my life.
*Monday, April 19. I set apart this day for fasting and prayer to God
for his grace, to prepare me for the work of the ministry, and in his
own time to send me into his harvest. I felt a power of intercession
for the advancement of the kingdom of my dear Lord; and withal, a
sweet resignation, and even joy in the thoughts of suffering hardships,
distresses, yea death itself, in the promotion of it. In the afternoon,
“God was with me of a truth.” O it was blessed company indeed! God
enabled me so to agonize in prayer, that I was quite wet with sweat,
tho’ in the shade. My soul was drawn out very much for the world; I
grasped for multitudes of souls. I had more enlargement for sinners,
than for the children of God; though I felt as if I could spend my life
in cries for both. I never felt such an entire weanedness from this
world, and so much resigned to God in every thing.――O that I may always
live _to_ and _upon_ my blessed God!
Tuesday, April 20. This day I am twenty-four years of age. O how
much mercy have I received the year past! How often has God “caused
his goodness to pass before me!” And how poorly have I answered the
vows I made this time twelvemonth, to be wholly the Lord’s, to be
for ever devoted to his service! The Lord help me to live more to his
glory.――――This has been a sweet day to me: blessed be God. I think
my soul was never so drawn out in intercession for _others_. I had a
fervent wrestle with the Lord for my _enemies_; and I hardly ever so
longed to _live to God_, and to be altogether devoted to him.
Lord’s day, April 25. This morning I spent about two hours in secret,
and was enabled more than ordinarily to agonize for immortal souls;
though it was early in the morning, and the sun scarcely shined at all,
yet my body was quite wet with sweat. I felt myself much pressed, as
frequently of late, to plead for the meekness and calmness of the Lamb
of God. O it is a sweet disposition, heartily to forgive all injuries,
to wish our greatest enemies as well as we do our own souls! Blessed
Jesus, may I daily be more and more conformed to thee! At night I was
exceedingly melted with divine love, and had a sense of the blessedness
of the upper world. Those words hung upon me with much sweetness,
Psalms lxxxiv. 7. “They go from strength to strength, every one of
them in Zion appeareth before God.” O the _near access_ that God
sometimes gives us in our addresses to him! This may well be termed
_appearing before God_; it is so indeed, in the true spiritual sense.
I longed for the coming of my dear Lord; I longed to join the angelic
hosts in praises, wholly free from imperfection. O the blessed moment
hastens! All I want is to be more holy, more like my dear Lord. O for
sanctification! My very soul pants for the compleat restoration of
the blessed image of my Saviour; that I may be fit for the blessed
enjoyments and employments of the heavenly world.
Monday, April 26. I continued in a sweet frame of mind. God was pleased
to make it a humbling season. My soul exceedingly longs for that
blessed state of perfection, of deliverance from all sin!――――At night
God enabled me to give my soul up to him, to cast myself upon him, to
be disposed of according to his sovereign pleasure; and I enjoyed great
peace and consolation in so doing. My soul took sweet delight in God:
my thoughts freely and sweetly centered in him. O that I could spend
every moment of my life to his glory!
*Tuesday, April 27. I retired and God was pleased to pour such
ineffable comforts into my soul, that I could do nothing for sometime
but say over and over, “O my sweet Saviour! O my sweet Saviour! Whom
have I in heaven but thee? And there is none upon earth that I desire
beside thee.” If I had a thousand lives, my soul would gladly have laid
them all down, to have been with Christ. My soul never enjoyed so much
of heaven before; it was the most refined communion with God I ever
felt: I never before felt so great a degree of resignation.
*Wednesday, April 28. I withdrew to my usual place of retirement, and
spent about two hours in secret. I felt much as I did yesterday morning,
only weaker and more overcome. I seemed to hang wholly on my dear
Lord; wholly weaned from all other dependencies. I knew not what to
say to my God, but only _lean on his bosom_, as it were, and breathe
out my desires after perfect conformity to him in all things. Thirsting
desires and insatiable longings, possessed my soul after perfect
holiness; God was so precious to my soul, that the world with all its
enjoyments was infinitely vile; I had no more value for the favour
of men, than for pebbles: the Lord was my all; and he over ruled all;
which greatly delighted me. I think my faith and dependance on God
scarce ever rose so high. I saw him such a fountain of goodness, that
it seemed impossible I should distrust him again, or be any way anxious
about any thing that should happen to me.――――In the evening my heart
seemed sweetly to melt, and was humbled for indwelling corruption, and
I mourned like a dove. I felt that all my unhappiness arose from my
being a sinner; for with resignation I could welcome all other trials;
but sin hung heavy upon me: for God discovered to me the corruption
of my heart; so that I went to bed with a heavy heart, because I was a
sinner: though I did not in the least doubt of God’s love. O that God
would “purge away all my dross, and take away my ♦tin.”
♦ “sin” replaced with “tin” per Errata
Friday, April 30. Nothing grieves me so much as that I cannot live
constantly to God’s glory. I could bear any spiritual conflicts, if
I could but have _my heart_ all the while burning with love to God;
for when I _feel_ this I cannot be dejected, but only _rejoice in
my Saviour_, who has delivered me from the reigning power, and will
shortly deliver me from the indwelling of sin.
Lord’s-day, May 2. God was pleased to give me such a sight of myself,
as made me appear vile in my own eyes: I felt corruption in my heart,
which I could by no means suppress; I was exceeding weak, and almost
sick with my inward trials.
Lord’s-day, May 9. I never felt so much of the cursed pride of my heart,
as well as the stubbornness of my will before. O what a wretch I am!
I could not submit to be nothing, and to lie down in the dust. Oh that
God would humble me! I felt myself such a sinner, all day, that I had
scarce any comfort. Oh when shall I be “delivered from the body of
this death!” I greatly feared, lest through stupidity I should lose the
benefit of these trials. O that they might be sanctified to my soul!
Nothing seemed to touch me but this, that I was a sinner.
Thursday, May 13. I saw so much of the wickedness of my heart, that
I longed to get away from myself. I never before thought there was so
much spiritual pride in my soul: I was almost pressed to death with my
vileness. Oh what _a body of death_ is there in me! _Lord, deliver my
soul._ O the closest walk with God is the sweetest heaven that can be
enjoyed on earth!
Friday, May 14. I waited on a council of ministers, and spread before
them the treatment I had met with at Yale-college; who thought it
adviseable to intercede for me with the rector and trustees, and to
intreat them to restore me to my former privileges.¹
¹ The application which was then made on his behalf, had not
the desired success.
Saturday, June 12. I spent much time in prayer this morning, and
enjoyed much sweetness.――Felt insatiable longings after God: I wondered
how poor souls do to live, that have _no God_.――The world, with all
its enjoyments, quite vanished. I see myself very helpless: but I have
a blessed God to go to. I longed exceedingly “to be dissolved, and to
be with Christ, to behold his glory.” Oh, my weak weary soul longs to
arrive at _my Father’s house_!
Monday, June 14. I felt something of the sweetness of communion with
God, and the _constraining_ force of _his love_:――I set apart this day
for fasting and prayer, to intreat God to bless me with regard to the
great work of _preaching the gospel_. Just at night, the Lord visited
me marvellously in prayer: I think my soul never was in such an agony
before: I felt no restraint; for the treasures of divine grace were
opened to me; I wrestled for my absent friends, for the ingathering of
souls, for multitudes of poor souls, and for many that I thought were
the children of God, personally, in many distant places. I was in such
an agony, till near dark, that I was all over wet with sweat: but yet
it seemed to me that I had wasted away the day, and had done nothing.
Oh, my dear Jesus did _sweat blood_ for poor souls! I longed for more
compassion towards them.
Tuesday, June 15. I had the most ardent longings after God, that I
ever felt in my life: at noon, in secret, I could do nothing but tell
my dear Lord, that he knew I longed for nothing but _himself_, nothing
but _holiness_; that _he_ had given me these desires, and he _only_
could give me the thing desired. I never seemed to be so unhinged from
myself, and to be so wholly devoted to God. My heart was swallowed up
in God most of the day. In the evening I had such a view of the soul’s
being enlarged, to contain more holiness; that my soul seemed ready
to separate from my body, to obtain it. I then wrestled in an agony
for divine blessings; and had my heart drawn out in prayer for some
Christian friends, beyond what I ever had before.――I feel differently
now from whatever I did under any sweet enjoyments before; more engaged
to _live to God_ for ever. Oh how short do I fall of my duty in my
sweetest moments!
Friday, June 18. Considering my great unfitness for the _ministry_, I
set apart this day for prayer to God, and found God graciously near;
once in particular, while I was pleading for more compassion for
immortal souls, my _heart_ seemed to be _opened_ at once, and I was
enabled to cry with great ardency.
*Oh, I was distressed, to think, that I should offer such dead cold
services to the _living God_! My soul seemed to breathe after holiness,
a life of constant devotedness to God. But I am almost lost sometimes
in the pursuit of this blessedness, and ready to sink, because I
continually fall short. O that the Lord would help me to hold out,
yet a little while, till the happy hour of deliverance comes!
Lord’s-day, June 20. I spent much time alone. My soul longed to be
holy, and reached after God; I _hungered_ and _thirsted_; but was not
satisfied. My soul hung on God, as my only portion. O that I could grow
in grace more abundantly every day!
Tuesday, June 22. I was sweetly composed and resigned to God’s will;
enabled to leave myself and all my concerns with him, and to have my
whole dependence upon him: my secret retirement was very refreshing. It
appeared such a happiness to have God for my portion, that I had rather
be any other creature in this lower creation, than not to come to the
enjoyment of God: I had rather be a beast, than a man, without God, if
I were to live here to eternity. Lord endear thyself more to me!
Wednesday, June 30. Spent this day alone in the woods, in fasting and
prayer; underwent the most dreadful conflicts in my soul, that ever
I felt; I saw myself so vile, that I was ready to say, “I shall now
perish by the hand of Saul.” I almost concluded, I had no power to
stand for the cause of God, but was “afraid of the shaking of a leaf.”
Spent almost the whole day in prayer. I could not bear to think of
Christians shewing me any respect. I almost despaired of doing any
service in the world; I could not feel any hope respecting the Heathen,
which used to afford me some refreshment in the darkest hours. I spent
the day _in the bitterness of my soul_. Near night I enjoyed some
sweetness in prayer.
Saturday, July 3. My heart seemed again to sink. The disgrace I was
laid under at college seemed to damp me, as it opens the mouths of
opposers. I had no refuge but in God. Blessed be his name, that I may
go to _him_ at all times, and find him a _present help_.
Lord’s-day, July 4. I withdrew, and enjoyed a happy season in secret:
God was pleased to give me the exercise of faith, and thereby brought
the invisible and eternal world near to my soul. I hoped, that my weary
_pilgrimage_ would be _short_; that it would not be long before I was
brought to my Father’s house: but I was sweetly resigned to God’s will,
to tarry his time, to do his work, and suffer his pleasure. I felt
pleased, to be _little_, to be _nothing_, and to _lie in the dust_. I
enjoyed life and sweet consolation in pleading for the dear children
of God, and the kingdom of Christ in the world: and my soul earnestly
breathed after holiness, and the enjoyment of God. “O come, Lord Jesus!
come quickly Amen.”
Monday, July 19. My desires are carried out after weanedness from
the _world_, perfect deadness to it, and to be _crucified_ to all its
allurements. My soul longs to feel itself a _pilgrim_ and _stranger_
here below; that nothing may divert me from pressing through the lonely
desert, till I arrive at my Father’s house.
*Thursday, July 22. Journeying from Southbury to Ripton, I called at
a house, where being kindly entertained, I was filled with amazement
and shame, that God should stir up the hearts of any to shew so much
kindness to such a _dead dog_ as I; and was sensible, how exceeding
vile it is, not to be wholly devoted to God. I wondered, that God would
suffer any of his creatures to feed and sustain me from time to time.
Thursday, July 29. I was examined by the association met at Danbury,
as to my learning, and experiences in religion, and received a licence
from them to preach the gospel of Christ. Afterwards I felt much
devoted to God: joined in prayer with one of the ministers; and went to
bed resolving to live devoted to God all my days.
PART III.
_From the time of his being licensed to preach, till he was
appointed_ Missionary _to the_ Indians.
FRIDAY, July 30, 1742. I rode from Danbury to Southbury; preached there
from 1 Peter iv. 6. I had much of the comfortable presence of God in
the exercise: I seemed to have power with God in prayer, and power to
get hold of the hearts of the people.
Lord’s-day, August 8. In the morning I felt comfortably in secret
prayer; my soul was refreshed with the hopes of the Heathens coming to
Christ; I was much resigned to God, and thought it was no matter what
became of _me_.
Thursday, August 12. This morning I was exercised with sore inward
trials: I had no power to pray; but seemed shut out from God, I had in
a great measure lost my hopes of God’s sending me among the Heathen,
and of seeing them flock to Christ. I saw so much of my hellish
vileness, that I appeared worse to myself than any devil: I wondered
that God would let me live, and wondered that people did not stone me,
much more that they would ever hear me preach! It seemed as though I
neither could nor should preach any more: yet about nine or ten o’clock,
the people came, and I was forced to preach. And blessed be God, he
gave me his presence and Spirit: so that I spoke with power from Job
xiv. 14. Some Indians cried out in great distress,¹ and all appeared
greatly concerned.
¹ It was in a place in the western borders of Connecticut,
where there is a number of Indians.
Tuesday, August 17. I was exceedingly depressed in spirit; it cuts and
wounds my heart, to think how much _spiritual pride_, and _warmth of
temper_, I have _formerly_ intermingled with my endeavours to promote
God’s work: and sometimes I long to lie down at the feet of opposers,
and confess what a poor creature I have been, and still am. Oh, the
Lord forgive me, and make me for the future “wise as a serpent, and
harmless as a dove!”
Thursday, August 17. This day, being about to go from Mr. Bellamy’s at
Bethlehem, where I had resided some time, I prayed with him, and two
or three other Christian friends, and we gave ourselves to God with all
our hearts, to be his for ever: eternity looked very near to me. If I
never see them again in this world, it seemed but a few moments before
I should meet them in another.
Friday, August 20. I appeared so vile to myself, that I hardly dared
to think of being seen, especially on account of spiritual pride.
However, to-night I enjoyed a sweet hour alone with God, (at Ripton)
I was lifted up above the frowns and flatteries of this world, had a
sweet relish of heavenly joys, and my soul did as it were get into the
eternal world, and really taste of heaven.
Monday, August 23. I had a sweet season in secret prayer: the Lord
drew near to my soul, and filled me with peace and consolation. My soul
tasted the sweetness of the upper world; and was drawn out in prayer
for the world, that it might come to Christ!
*Monday, August 30. I prayed with a Christian friend or two; and, I
think, scarce ever launched so far into the eternal world; I got so
far out on the broad ocean, that my soul triumphed over all the evils
on the shores of mortality.――――Time, and all its gay amusements and
cruel disappointments, never appeared so inconsiderable to me before; I
saw myself nothing, and my soul reached after God with intense desire.
I knew, I had never lived a moment to him as I should do: indeed it
appeared to me, I had never done any thing in Christianity; my soul
longed with a vehement desire to _live to God_.
Saturday, September 4. God enabled me to wrestle ardently for the
Redeemer’s kingdom; and for my dear brother John, that God would
make him more of a pilgrim and stranger on the earth, and fit him for
singular serviceableness in the world; and my heart sweetly exulted in
the Lord, in the thoughts of any distresses that might light on him or
me, in the advancement of Christ’s kingdom.
*Wednesday, September 8. I felt exceedingly weaned from the world.――In
the afternoon I discoursed on divine things with a Christian friend,
whereby we were both refreshed. Then I prayed, with a sweet sense of
the blessedness of communion with God: I think I scarce ever enjoyed
more of God in any one prayer. I knew not that ever I saw so much of my
own nothingness in my life; never wondered so, that God allowed me to
preach his word: never was so astonished as now.
*Friday, September 10. I longed with intense desire after God; my whole
soul seemed impatient to be conformed to him, and to become “holy, as
he is holy.” In the afternoon, I prayed with a dear friend, and had
the presence of God with us; our souls united together to reach after a
blessed immortality, to be unclothed of the body of sin and death, and
to enter the blessed world, where no unclean thing enters. O with what
intense desire did our souls long for that blessed day that we might be
freed from sin, and for ever live _to_ and _in_ our God!
Thursday, September 16. I enjoyed much of God in secret prayer: felt
an uncommon resignation, to _be_ and _do_ what God pleased. Some days
past, I felt _great perplexity_ on account of my past conduct: _my
bitterness_, and want of Christian kindness and love, has been _very
distressing_ to my soul: the Lord forgive me my _unchristian warmth_,
and want of a spirit of meekness!
Saturday, September 18. I felt compassion for souls, and mourned I
had no more. I feel much more kindness, meekness, gentleness, and love
towards all mankind than ever. I longed to be at the feet of my enemies
and persecutors: enjoyed some sweetness, in feeling my soul conformed
to Christ Jesus, and given away to him for ever.
[Through this, and the two following weeks, he passed through a variety
of exercises: he was frequently dejected, and sometimes sunk into the
depths of melancholy: Not with regard to the favour of God, but about
his own sinful infirmities, and unfitness for God’s service. Though his
mind was extremely depressed with a sense of inexpressible vileness,
yet, in the mean time, he had many seasons of comfort and spiritual
refreshment.]
*Lord’s-day, October 17. I had a sense of my helplessness; especially
when I went to the place of public worship. I found I could not speak
a word for God without his special assistance: I went into the assembly
trembling, under a sense of my insufficiency to do any thing as I ought
to do.――But it pleased God to afford me much assistance, and there
seemed to be a considerable effect on the hearers.――O that I might
be “faithful to the death, fulfilling as an hireling my day,” till
the shades of the evening of life shall free my soul from the toils
of the day! This evening I felt such longing desires after deliverance
from sin, and conformity to God, as melted my heart. Oh, I longed to be
“delivered from this body of death!” to be conformed to God entirely,
fully, and for ever.――I scarce ever preach without being first visited
with inward conflicts and sore trials. Blessed be the Lord for these
trials and distresses, as they are blessed for my humbling.
Monday, October 18. I felt some sweetness, but was still pressed
through trials of soul. My life is a constant mixture of consolations
and conflicts, and will be so till I arrive at the world of spirits.
Tuesday, October 19. This morning and last night, felt a sweet longing
in my soul after holiness: my soul seemed so to reach and stretch
towards the mark of perfect sanctity, that it was ready to break with
longings.
*Thursday, October 21. I had a very deep sense of the vanity of the
world, and had little more regard to it, than if I had been to go into
eternity the next hour. Through divine goodness, I felt very serious
and solemn. O, I love to live on the brink of eternity! This gives me
a sweet, awful, and reverential sense of God and divine things, when I
see myself as it were _standing before the judgment seat of Christ_.
*Friday, October 22. I was uncommonly weaned from the world: my
soul delighted to be a _stranger and a pilgrim on the earth_; I felt
a disposition never to have any thing to do with this world: the
character given of some of the antient people of God, in Hebrews xi. 13.
was very pleasing to me, “they confessed that they were pilgrims and
strangers on the earth,” and O that I could always do so!――It is sweet
to be thus weaned from friends, and from myself, and dead to the world,
that I may live wholly _to_ and _upon_ the blessed God.
Monday, October 26. [At Turky-Hills] In the evening I enjoyed the
divine presence: it was a sweet and comfortable season: my soul _longed
for God, for the living God_: enjoyed a sweet solemnity of spirit, and
longing desire after the recovery of the divine image: “Then shall I be
satisfied, when I shall awake in God’s likeness,” and never before.
Tuesday, October 27. [At West-Suffield] I underwent the most dreadful
distresses, under a sense of my own unworthiness: it seemed to me, I
deserved rather to be driven out of the place, than to have any body to
come to hear me preach. And verily my spirits were so depressed, that
it was impossible I should treat immortal souls with faithfulness: I
could not deal closely and faithfully with them, I felt so infinitely
vile in myself. Oh, what _dust and ashes_ I am, to think of preaching
the gospel to others! Indeed I never can be faithful for one moment,
but shall certainly “daub with untempered mortar,” if God do not grant
me special help.――In the evening, I went to the meeting-house, and it
looked to me near as easy for one to rise out of the grave and preach,
as for me. However God was pleased to lift me up and enable me to
preach. O the wonderful goodness of God to so vile a sinner!
Wednesday, October 28. I was not a little concerned about preaching in
the afternoon: felt exceedingly _without strength_, went into the house,
ashamed to see any come to hear such an unspeakably worthless wretch.
However God enabled me to speak with clearness, power, and pungency.
Thursday, November 4. [At Lebanon] I was concerned that I had no
more sense of my insufficiency and unworthiness. O it is sweet _lying
in the dust_! But it is distressing to feel in my soul that hell of
corruption.――In the afternoon I had a sense of the sweetness of a
strict, close, and constant devotedness to God, and felt a pleasing
yet painful concern, lest I should spend some moments _without God_.
O may I always _live to God_!――In the evening I felt an intense desire
to spend every moment for God.――God is unspeakably gracious to me
continually: in times past, he has given me inexpressible sweetness
in the performance of duty; frequently my soul has enjoyed much of
God; but has been ready to say, “Lord, it is good to be here;” and
so to indulge sloth. But of late God has been pleased to keep my soul
_hungry_, almost continually; so that I have been filled with a kind
of pleasing pain. When I really enjoy God, I feel my desires of him the
more insatiable, and my thirstings after holiness the more unquenchable;
and the Lord will not allow me to feel as though I were fully supplied
and satisfied, but keeps me still reaching forward; and I feel barren
and empty, as though I could not live, without more of God in me; I
feel ashamed and guilty _before God_. Oh! I see, “the law is spiritual,
but I am carnal.” I do not, I cannot live to God. Oh for holiness! Oh
for more of God in my soul! Oh this pleasing pain! It makes my soul
press after God; the language of it is, “Then shall I be satisfied,
when I awake in God’s likeness,” (_Psalms xxvii. ultima_) but never,
never before: and consequently I am engaged to “press towards the
mark,” day by day. O that I may feel this continual hunger, and not
be retarded, but rather be animated by every cluster from Canaan, to
reach forward in the narrow way, for the full enjoyment of the heavenly
inheritance! O that I may never loiter in my heavenly journey.
Lord’s day, November 7, it seemed as if such an unholy wretch as I
never could arrive at that blessedness, to be “holy, as God is holy.”
At noon I longed for sanctification, and conformity to God. Oh, that
is THE ALL, THE ALL! The Lord help me to _press after God_ for ever.
Monday, November 18. I longed for an arrival in the _heavenly country_,
the blessed paradise of God. Through divine goodness, I have scarce
seen the day, for two months, but _death_ has looked so pleasant to
me, that I could have rejoiced the _present_ should be my _last_; and
I trust that I shall be able to say, “O death, where is thy sting!” and,
“O grave, where is thy victory!”
Friday, November 19. [At New-Haven] I received a letter from the Rev.
Mr. Pemberton of New-York, desiring me speedily to go down thither, and
consult about the Indian affairs, and to meet certain gentlemen there
that were intrusted with them. I retired with two or three friends, and
prayed; and was enabled to leave myself and all my concerns with God.
Wednesday, November 24. I came to New-York; felt still much concerned
about the importance of my business; put up many earnest requests to
God; was confused with the noise and tumult of the city; enjoyed but
little time alone with God; but my soul longed after him.
Thursday, November 25. I spent much time in prayer and supplication:
was examined by some gentlemen of my Christian experience, and my
acquaintance with divinity, and some other studies, in order to my
improvement in that important affair of gospellizing the Heathen¹: was
made sensible of my great ignorance and unfitness for public service:
*I had the most abasing thoughts of myself, I think, that ever I had:
I thought myself the worst wretch that ever lived: it pained my heart,
that any body should shew me any respect. Alas! I thought, how sadly
they are deceived in me! how miserably would they be disappointed, if
they knew my inside! Oh my heart!――And in this depressed condition,
I was forced to go and preach to a considerable assembly, before some
grave and learned ministers; but I felt such a pressure from a sense of
my vileness, ignorance, and unfitness to appear in public, that I was
almost overcome with it: my soul was grieved for the congregation, that
they should sit there to hear such a _dead dog_ as I preach; I thought
myself infinitely indebted to the people, and longed that God would
reward them with his grace.
¹ These gentlemen that examined Mr. Brainerd, were the
correspondents in New-York, New-Jersey, and Pensylvania, of
the honourable society in Scotland for propagating Christian
knowledge; to whom was committed the management of their
affairs in those parts, and who were now met at New-York.
PART IV.
_From the time of his being appointed_ Missionary, _to his
entrance on his mission among the Indians at Kaunaumeek_.
FRIDAY, November 26. I had still a sense of my own vileness, and
endeavoured as much as I could to keep alone. O what a nothing, what
dust and ashes am I!――I enjoyed some comfort in spreading my complaints
before God.
Saturday, November 27. I committed my soul to God with some degree
of comfort; left New-York about nine in the morning; came away with
a distressing sense of my unspeakable unworthiness. Surely I may well
love all my brethren; for none of them all is as vile as I; whatever
they do outwardly, yet it seems to me none is conscious of so much
inward sin. O my leanness, my barrenness, my past bitterness, and want
of a gospel-temper!
Wednesday, December 1. My soul breathed after God in longing desires
of conformity to him: my soul was brought to rest itself, on his
rich grace, and felt strength to do or suffer any thing that divine
Providence should allot me.
[Within the space of the next nine days, he went a journey from Newton
to Haddam, his native town; and after staying there some days returned
again into the western part of Connecticut, and came to Southbury.]
Saturday, December 11. I conversed with a dear friend, to whom I had
thought of giving a liberal education, that he might be fitted for the
gospel ministry. I acquainted him with my thoughts, and left him to
consider of it, till I should see him again. Then I rode to Bethlehem,
to Mr. Bellamy’s lodgings; and spent the evening with him in sweet
conversation and prayer.
Lord’s day, December 12. I felt a distressing need of divine help; I
went to meeting trembling; but it pleased God to assist me in prayer
and sermon: I think, my soul scarce ever penetrated so far into
the immaterial world, nor were my devotions ever so much refined, I
preached with some sweetness, from Matthew vi. 33. Blessed be God,
I have reason to think, that my religion is become more spiritual, by
means of my late inward conflicts. May I always be willing that God
should use his own methods with me!――I felt much of the sweetness of
religion, and the tenderness of the gospel-temper: I found a dear love
to all mankind, and I was afraid of scarcely any thing so much as lest
some motion of anger or resentment should, some time or other, creep
into my heart.
Tuesday, December 21. I rode over to Derby, and preached; it pleased
God to give me sweet assistance, and to enable me to speak with a soft
and tender power and energy.――We had afterwards a comfortable evening
in singing and prayer; God enabled me to pray with as much spirituality
and sweetness as I have done for some time; my mind seemed to be
unclothed of sense and imagination and was in a measure let into the
world of spirits. This day was, I trust made profitable to a number of
us, to advance our souls in holiness and conformity to God: the glory
be to him for ever. Amen. How blessed it is to grow more and more like
God!
Lord’s day, December 26. I felt much sweetness and tenderness in prayer,
my whole soul seemed to love my worst enemies, and I was enabled to
pray for those that are strangers to God with a degree of softness and
pathetic fervour.
Monday, December 27. I enjoyed a precious season; I had a sweet
sense of the pure spirituality of the religion of Christ Jesus. In
the evening I preached with much freedom, power and pungency. O the
tenderness I felt in my soul! Blessed be my God I have seldom enjoyed
a more ♦comfortable and profitable day than this. O that I could spend
all my time for God!
♦ “comforable” replaced with “comfortable”
Friday, January 14, 1742‒3. My spiritual conflicts were unspeakably
dreadful, heavier than the mountains and overflowing floods: I seemed
inclosed as it were, in hell itself: I was deprived of all sense of God,
even of the being of a God; and that was my misery. *This was distress
the nearest a-kin to the damned’s torments that I ever endured: their
torments, I am sure will consist much in the privation of God, and
consequently of all good. This taught me the absolute dependance of a
creature upon the Creator, for every crumb of happiness it enjoys. Oh!
I feel that if there is no God, though I might live for ever here, and
enjoy not only this, but all other worlds, I should be ten thousand
times more miserable than a toad. My soul was in such anguish I could
not eat, but felt as I supposed a poor wretch would, that is just going
to the place of execution. I was almost swallowed up with anguish, when
I saw people gathering together to hear me preach. However, I went to
the house of God, and he was pleased to give me freedom and enlargement,
and I spent the evening comfortably.
*Lord’s day, January 23. I scarce ever felt myself so unfit to exist,
as now: I saw I was not worthy of a place among the Indians, where I
am going; I thought I should be ashamed to look them in the face, and
much more to have any respect shewn me. Indeed I felt myself banished
from the earth, as if all places were too good for such a wretch as I:
I thought I should be ashamed to go among the very savages of Africa;
I appeared to myself a creature fit for nothing, neither heaven nor
earth.――――None knows, but those that feel it, what the soul endures
that is sensibly shut out from the presence of God; alas it is more
bitter than death.
Wednesday, January 26. I preached to a pretty large assembly; insisted
on humility, and stedfastness in keeping God’s commands; and that
through humility we should prefer one another in love. I felt sweetly
calm, and full of brotherly love, never more free from party spirit.
I hope some good will follow, that Christians will be freed from party
zeal and censuring one another.
[On Thursday, after a considerable time spent in prayer and Christian
conversation, he rode to New-London.]
*Friday, January 28. Here I found some carried away with a false
zeal and bitterness. Oh, the want of a gospel-temper is greatly to be
lamented. I spent the evening in conversing with some about some points
of conduct in both ministers and private Christians; but did not agree
with them: God had not _taught them with briars and thorns_ to be of a
kind disposition toward mankind.
Wednesday, February 2. I preached my farewell-sermon, at the house
of an aged man, who had been unable to attend on the public worship
for some time; and this morning spent the time in prayer. Having
taken leave of my friends, I set out on my journey towards the
Indians; though by the way I was to spend some time at East-Hampton
on Long-Island; and being accompanied by a messenger from East-Hampton,
we travelled to Lyme. On the road I felt an uncommon pressure of mind:
I seemed to struggle hard for some pleasure here below, and seemed
loth to give up all; I saw I was throwing myself into all hardships
and distresses: I thought it would be less difficult to lie down in the
grave; but yet I chose to go, rather than stay.――I came to Lyme that
night.
[He waited the two next days for a passage over the sound, and spent
much of the time in inward conflicts.
On Saturday he crossed the Sound, landed on Long-Island, and travelled
to East-Hampton, and the seven following days he spent there, for the
most part, under extreme dejection of mind.]
Lord’s-day, February 13. I was under great discouragement; knew not how
it was possible for me to preach, and was ready to give up all! But God
was pleased to assist me. In the evening, my heart was sweetly drawn
out after God, and devoted to him.
Tuesday, February 15. Early in the day I felt some comfort; afterwards
I walked into a neighbouring grove, and felt more a stranger on earth
than ever; as dead to the enjoyments of the world, as if I had been
dead in a natural sense.――In the evening I had sweetness in secret duty:
God was then my portion, and my soul rose above those _deep waters_,
into which I have sunk so low of late.
Thursday, February 17. I preached this day at a little village; and
God was pleased to give me his gracious assistance, so that I spake
with freedom, boldness, and power. *In the evening, I spent some time
with a dear Christian friend; felt as on the brink of eternity; my
soul enjoyed sweetness in lively apprehensions of standing before
the glorious God: prayed with my dear friend, and discoursed with the
utmost solemnity. And truly it was a little emblem of heaven itself.
Friday, February 18. I felt sweetly most of the day, and found access
to the throne of grace. Blessed be the Lord for any intervals of
composure while I am in the field of battle. O that I might be serious,
solemn, and always vigilant, while in an evil world! O, I long to _live
to God_!
[During the next fortnight, he, for the most part, enjoyed much peace
and comfort. And this space of time was filled up with great diligence
and earnestness in serving God, in study, prayer, meditation, preaching,
and private instructing and counselling.]
*Monday, March 7. This morning when I arose, I found my heart go after
God in longing desires of conformity to him: and in secret prayer I
found myself sweetly drawn out in praises to God for all he had done
to and for me, and for all my inward trials and distresses; my heart
ascribed glory, glory, glory to the blessed God! and bid welcome to
all inward distress again, if God saw meet to exercise me with it: time
appeared but an inch long, and eternity at hand; and I thought I could
with patience and chearfulness bear any thing for the cause of God; for
I saw that a moment would bring me to a world of peace and blessedness;
and my soul, by the strength of the Lord, rose far above this lower
world, and all the vain amusements and frightful disappointments of it.
Lord’s-day, March 13. At noon, I thought it impossible for me to preach,
by reason of bodily weakness and inward deadness; and in the first
prayer, I was so weak that I could hardly stand; but in sermon, God
strengthened me, so that I spake near an hour and half with freedom,
clearness, and tender power, from Genesis v. 24. “And Enoch walked with
God.” I was sweetly assisted to insist on a close _walk with God_, and
to leave this as my parting advice to God’s people here, that _they
should walk with God_. May the God of all grace succeed my poor labours
in this place!
Saturday, March 19. I was distressed under a sense of my ignorance,
darkness, and unworthiness; got alone, and poured out my complaint to
God in the bitterness of my soul.――In the afternoon I rode to Newark,
and had some sweetness in conversation with Mr. Burr, and in praying
together. O blessed be God for ever and ever, for any enlivening and
quickening!
Lord’s-day, March 20. I preached in the forenoon: God gave me some
assistance and sweetness, and enabled me to speak with real tenderness,
love, and impartiality. In the evening, I preached again; and, of
a truth, God was pleased to assist a poor worm. Blessed be God,
I was enabled to speak with life, power, and passionate desire of
the edification of God’s people. *In the evening, I felt something
spiritual and watchful, lest my heart should by any means be drawn
away from God. Oh, when shall I come to that blessed world, where
every power of my soul will be incessantly and eternally wound up,
in heavenly employments and enjoyments, to the highest degree!
[On Monday he went to Woodbridge, where the _correspondents_, instead
of sending him to the Forks of Delaware, ordered him to go to a number
of Indians, at Kaunaumeek, a place in the province of New-York, in the
woods between Stockbridge and Albany. This alteration was occasioned
by two things, 1. Information they had received of some contention now
subsisting between the white people and the Indians at Delaware, which
they supposed would be a hindrance at present to their entertainment of
a missionary, and to his success among them. And, 2. Some intimations
they had received from Mr. Sergeant, missionary to the Indians at
Stockbridge, concerning the Indians at Kaunaumeek, and the prospect of
success that a missionary might have among them.]
PART V.
_From his first beginning to instruct the Indians at
Kaunaumeek, to his_ Ordination.
FRIDAY, April 1, 1743. I rode to Kaunaumeek, near twenty miles from
Stockbridge, where the Indians live, and I lodged on a little heap of
straw. I was greatly exercised with inward distresses all day; and in
the evening seemed to have no God to go to. O that God would help me!
The place was sufficiently lonesome, and unpleasant, being encompassed
with mountains and woods; twenty miles distant from any English
inhabitants; six or seven from any Dutch; and more than two from a
family that came, from the Highlands of Scotland, and had then lived
about two years in this wilderness. In this family I lodged about the
space of three months, the master of it being the only person with whom
I could readily converse in those parts, except my interpreter; others
understanding very little English.
Thursday, April 7. I appeared to myself exceeding ignorant, weak,
helpless, and altogether unequal to my work. It seemed to me I should
never do any service, or have any success among the Indians. My soul
was weary of life: I longed for death, beyond measure. When I thought
of any godly soul departed, my soul was ready to envy him his privilege,
thinking, “Oh, when will my turn come! Must it be years first!”――But I
know those desires rose partly for want of resignation to God. Towards
night, I had faith in prayer, and some assistance in writing. O that
God would keep me near him!
*Friday, April 8. I was exceedingly pressed under a sense of my
_party-spirit_, in times past, while I attempted to promote the
cause of God: its vile nature appeared in such odious colours, that
my very heart was pained: I saw how poor souls stumbled over it into
everlasting destruction, and was constrained to make that prayer in
the bitterness of my soul, “O Lord, deliver me from blood-guiltiness.”
I saw my desert of hell on this account. My soul was full of anguish
and shame before God, that I had spent so much time in conversation
tending only to promote a _party-spirit_. I saw I had not duly prized
mortification, self-denial, resignation under all adversities, meekness,
love, candour, and holiness of heart and life.――Of late, I have thought
much of having the kingdom of Christ advanced in the world; but now I
saw I had enough to do myself. The Lord be merciful to me a sinner.
Lord’s-day, April 10. I preached to the Indians, both forenoon and
afternoon. They behaved soberly in general: two or three appeared under
some concern; with whom I discoursed privately; and one told me, “her
heart had cried, ever since she heard me preach first.”
Wednesday, April 13. I verily thought I was the meanest, vilest, most
helpless, ignorant creature living. And yet I knew what God had done
for my soul: though sometimes I was assaulted with doubts, whether it
was possible for such a wretch as I, to be in a state of grace.
Tuesday, April 19. In the morning, I enjoyed sweet repose in God; felt
some confidence; and was refreshed and comforted. My soul was lifted
above the _deep waters_, wherein it has been so long almost drowned; I
found myself engaged for the advancement of Christ’s kingdom in my own
soul, more than in the Heathen world.
Wednesday, April 20. I set apart this day for fasting and prayer,
to bow my soul before God for grace; especially that all my inward
distresses might be sanctified to my soul. I endeavoured also to
remember the goodness of God to me in the year past. Having obtained
help of God, I am now arrived at the age of twenty-five years. My soul
was pained, to think of my barrenness; that I have lived so little to
the glory of the eternal God. I spent the day in the woods alone, and
there poured out my complaint to God. O that God would enable me to
live to his glory for the future!
*Friday, April 22. My leanness testifies against me! My soul abhors
itself for its unlikeness to God, its inactivity and sluggishness. When
I have done all, what an unprofitable servant am I! I groan to see the
hours of the day roll away, because I do not fill them, in spirituality
and heavenly-mindedness. And yet I long they should speed their pace,
to hasten me to my eternal home, where I may fill up all my moments,
for God and his glory.
*Tuesday, May 10. I was extremely pressed with a sense of guilt,
pollution, blindness; the sins of my youth were set in order before me;
they went over my head a burden, too heavy for me to bear. Almost all
the actions of my life past seem to be covered over with sin and guilt;
and those of them that I performed in the most conscientious manner,
now fill me with shame and confusion, Oh! the _pride, selfishness,
ignorance, bitterness, party-zeal_, and _the want of love, candour,
meekness_, and _gentleness_, that have attended my attempts to promote
religion; and this when I had real assistance from above, and some
sweet intercourse with heaven! But, what corrupt mixtures attended my
best duties!
After several weeks I found my distance from the Indians a very great
disadvantage, as I was obliged to travel forward and backward almost
daily on foot having no pasture in which I could keep my horse. And
after all my pains, I could not be with them in the evening and morning,
which were hours when they could best attend my instructions.
I therefore resolved to remove, and live with or near the Indians,
that I might watch when they were at home and take that time for their
instruction.
Accordingly I removed and for a time lived with them in one of their
_wigwams_: not long after I built me a small house, where I spent
the remainder of that year alone; my interpreter (who was an Indian)
choosing rather to live in a wigwam among his own countrymen.
But although the difficulties of this solitary way of living are
not the least, yet I can truly say the burden I felt respecting
my _great work_ among the poor Indians, the fear and concern that
continually hung upon my spirit, lest they should be prejudiced
against Christianity, by means of some who (although they are called
_Christians_) had rather the Indians should remain heathens, that they
may with more ease cheat them; the fear and concern I felt in these
respects, were much more pressing to me, than all the difficulties that
attended the circumstances of my living.
As to the _state_ or _temper_ of _mind_, in which I found these
Indians, at my first coming among them, it was much more encouraging,
than expected. Their prejudices against Christianity, were in a great
measure removed by the long continued labours of the Rev. Mr. Sergeant
among a number of the same tribe, in a place more than twenty miles
distant: by which means, these were in some degree, prepared to
entertain the truths of Christianity instead of objecting against them
as is common with them at first. Some of them appeared well disposed
toward religion, and seemed pleased with my coming among them.
*Wednesday, May 18. My circumstances are such that I have no comfort,
of any kind, but what I have in God. I live in the most lonesome
wilderness; have but one single person to converse with, that can speak
English.¹ Most of the talk I hear, is either Highland Scotch or Indian.
I have no fellow-Christian to whom I might unbosom myself, and lay open
my spiritual sorrows, and with whom I might take sweet counsel about
heavenly things, and join in prayer. I live poorly with regard to the
comforts of life: most of my diet consists of boiled corn, and hasty
pudding. I lodge on a bundle of straw, my labour is hard; and I have
little appearance of success. The Indian affairs are very difficult;
having no land to live on, but what the Dutch threaten to drive them
from; they have no regard to the souls of the poor Indians; and they
hate me, because I come to preach to them.――――But that which makes all
my difficulties grievous to be borne, is, that “God hides his face from
me.”
¹ This person was Mr. Brainerd’s interpreter; who was an
ingenious young Indian belonging to Stockbridge, whose name
was John Wauwaumpequunaunt, who had been instructed in the
Christian religion by Mr. Sergeant; understood both English
and Indian very well, and wrote a good hand.
[Here he had various exercises of mind; from his first coming to
Kaunaumeek, till he got into his own house, a little hut that he made
chiefly with his own hands, with long and hard labour. How it was with
him in those dark seasons he further describes in his diary for July 2.]
“My soul is, and has for a long time been in a pitieous condition,
wading through a series of sorrows, of various kinds. I have been
so crushed down sometimes with a sense of my meanness and infinite
unworthiness, that I have been ashamed that any, even the meanest of
my fellow creatures, should so much as spend a thought about me, and
have wished while I have travelled among the thick brakes, to drop into
everlasting oblivion. In this case, I have almost resolved never again
to see any of my acquaintance; and really thought, I could not be seen
or heard of any more.――Sometimes the consideration of my ignorance
has been a means of my great distress and anxiety. And especially my
soul has been in anguish with fear, shame and guilt, that ever I had
preached, or had any thought that way.――――Sometimes my soul has been
in distress on feeling some particular corruptions: having at the same
time, ten thousand former sins and follies presented to my view.――――And
these attended with such external circumstances as mine at present are;
destitute of most of the conveniences of life, and I may say, of all
the pleasures of it; without a friend to communicate any of my sorrows
to, and sometimes without any place of retirement, where I may unburden
my soul before God, which has greatly contributed to my distress.”
[One main occasion of that distressing gloominess, next to natural
♦melancholy, was reflecting on his past errors and misguided zeal at
_college_. Therefore he repeated his endeavours for reconciliation with
the governors of the college. And although he had been at New-Haven, in
June, and had attempted a reconciliation; yet in the beginning of July,
he made another journey thither, and renewed his attempt, but still in
vain.]
♦ “melancholly” replaced with “melancholy”
Saturday, July 30. Just at night, I moved into _my own house_, and
lodged there; and I found it much better spending the time alone at
my own house, than in the _wigwam_ where I was before.
Wednesday, August 3. I am now uninterruptly alone; and find my
retirement comfortable. I have enjoyed more sense of divine things
within a few days past, than for some time before. I longed after
holiness, humility and meekness: O that God would enable me to “pass
the time of my sojourning here in his fear,” and always _live to him_!
*Thursday, August 4. I have generally found the more I do in secret
prayer, the more I enjoy of a spirit of prayer; and I frequently have
found the contrary, when with journeying or otherwise, I have been
deprived of retirement. A seasonable steady performance of secret
duties in their proper hours, and a careful improvement of all time,
filling up every hour with some profitable labour, either of heart,
head, or hands, are excellent means of spiritual peace and boldness
before God. “Christ” indeed “is our peace, and by him we have boldness
of access to God;” but a _good conscience void of offence_, is an
excellent preparation for an approach to the divine presence. Filling
up our time _with_ and _for_ God, is the way to rise up and lie down in
peace.
Saturday, August 13. I was enabled in secret prayer to raise my soul to
God, with desire and delight. It was indeed a blessed season to my soul:
I found the comfort of being a Christian: “I counted the sufferings of
the present life not worthy to be compared with the glory” of divine
enjoyments even in this world. All my past sorrows seemed to disappear,
and I “remembered no more the sorrow for joy.”――With what a filial
tenderness, the soul hangs on, and confides in _the Rock of ages_,
at such a season, that he will “never leave it nor forsake it,” that
he will cause all things to work together for its good; I longed that
others should know how good a God the Lord is. My soul was full of
tenderness and love, even to the most inveterate of my enemies. I
longed that God should do just as he pleased with me and every thing
else. I felt exceeding serious, calm, and peaceful, and encouraged
to press after holiness as long as I live, whatever difficulties and
trials may be in my way.
Monday, August 15. In my weak state of body, I was not a little
distressed for want of suitable food. I am forced to go or send ten
or fifteen miles for all the bread I eat; and sometimes it is mouldy
and sour before I eat it, if I get any considerable quantity: and then
again I have none for some days together, for want of an opportunity
to send for it. And this was my case now: but through divine goodness
I had some Indian _meal_, of which I made little cakes, and fried them.
And I felt contented with my circumstances, and sweetly resigned to
God. In prayer I enjoyed great freedom; and blessed God as much for
my present circumstances, as if I had been a king, and I never feel
comfortably, but when I find my soul going forth after God: if I cannot
be holy, I must be miserable for ever.
Lord’s day, August 21. I fell down before the Lord, and groaned under
my own vileness, barrenness, deadness, and felt as if I was guilty of
foul murder, in speaking to immortal souls in such a manner as I had
done.――I was very full of pain in the evening; and my soul mourned that
I had spent so much time to so little profit.
*Monday, August 22. I had intense breathings of soul after holiness,
and very clear manifestations of my utter inability to work it in
myself. O, with what tenderness the love and desire of holiness fills
the soul! I wanted to wing out of myself to God, or rather to get a
conformity to him: but, alas! I cannot add to my stature in grace one
cubit. However, my soul can never leave striving for it; or at least
groaning, that it cannot obtain purity of heart.
*Tuesday, August 23. I poured out my soul for all the world, friends,
and enemies. My soul was concerned for Christ’s kingdom that it might
appear in the whole earth. And I abhorred the very thought of a _party_
in religion! Let the truth of God appear, wherever it is; and God have
the glory for ever.
Wednesday, August 24. I thought, if God should say, “You shall in a
few days go into eternity,” my soul would leap for joy. O that I may
both “desire to be dissolved,” and “wait patiently all the days of my
appointed time till my change come!”――But, alas! I am very unfit for
the business and blessedness of heaven.――O for more holiness!
*Thursday, August 25. I find it is impossible to enjoy peace and
tranquility of mind without a careful improvement of time. This
is really an imitation of God and Christ Jesus: “My father worketh
hitherto, and I work,” says our Lord. And, if we would be like God, we
must see that we fill up our time for him.――I daily long to dwell in
perfect light and love. In the mean time, my soul mourns that I make so
little preparation for the world of blessedness: I see and know that I
am a barren tree in God’s vineyard, and that he might justly say, “Cut
it down.” O that God would make me more lively and vigorous in grace,
for his own glory!
Lord’s-day, August 28. I was much perplexed with some Dutchmen. All
their discourse turned upon the things of the world. Oh, what a _hell_
it would be to spend an eternity with such men! Well might David say,
“I beheld the transgressors and was grieved.”――But adored be God,
_heaven_ is a place “into which no unclean thing enters.” O I long for
the holiness of that world! Lord prepare me for it.
Wednesday, August 31. Eternal things engrossed all my thoughts; and
I longed to be in the world of spirits. O how happy is it, to have all
our thoughts swallowed up in that world; to feel one’s self a stranger
in this, diligently seeking a road through it, a sure road to the
heavenly Jerusalem!
Thursday, September 1. I always feel comfortably when God realizes
death, and the things of another world to my mind: whenever my mind is
taken off from the things of this world, and set on God, my soul is at
_rest_.
Tuesday, September 13. I rode to New-Haven. *I find, though my inward
trials are great, and a life of solitude gives them greater advantages
to penetrate the inmost recesses of the soul; yet it is better to be
alone, than incumbered with noise and tumult. I find it very difficult
maintaining a sense of divine things, while removing from place to
place, diverted with new objects, and filled with care and business.
A settled steady business is best adapted to a life of strict religion.
Wednesday, September 14. This day I ought to have taken my _degree_;¹
but God sees fit to deny it me. And though I was afraid of being
overwhelmed with confusion, when I should see my _class-mates_ take
theirs; yet, in the very season of it, God enabled me with calmness to
say, “The will of the Lord be done.” Indeed, I have scarcely felt my
mind so sedate and comfortable for some time. I have long feared this
season, and expected my humility, meekness, patience, and resignation
would be tried: but found much more pleasure and divine comfort than I
expected.
¹ This being commencement-day.
Thursday, September 15. It is always a comfort to me, to hear spiritual
discourse. O that ministers and people were more spiritual and devoted
to God!――Towards night, I offered the following reflections in writing,
to the rector ♦and trustees of the college, (the same that I had
offered to the rector before, and intreated him to accept;) and this
I did, that if possible I might cut off all occasion of offence, from
those that seek occasion.
♦ duplicate word “and” removed
*“Whereas I have said before several persons, concerning Mr. Whittelsey,
one of the tutors of Yale-college, that I did not believe he had any
more grace than the chair I then leaned upon; I humbly confess that
herein I have sinned against God, and acted contrary to the rules
of his word, and have injured Mr. Whittelsey. I had no right to make
thus free with his character; and had no just reason to say as I did
concerning him. My fault herein was the more aggravated, in that I
said this concerning one that was so much my superior, and one that I
was obliged to treat with special respect and honour, by reason of the
relation I stood in to him in the college. Such a manner of behaviour,
I confess, did not become a Christian; it was taking too much upon
me, and did not favour of that humble respect, that I ought to have
expressed towards Mr. Whittelsey. I have often reflected on this act
with grief, on account of the sin of it: and am willing to lie low,
and be abased before God and man for it: and humbly ask the forgiveness
of the governors of the college, and of the whole society; but of
Mr. Whittelsey in particular. And I now appear, to judge and condemn
myself for going once to the separate meeting in New-Haven, though the
rector had refused to give me leave. For this I humbly ask the rector’s
forgiveness. And whether the governors of the college shall ever see
cause to remove the academical censure I lie under, or no, yet I am
willing to appear, if they think fit, openly to own, and to humble
myself for those things I have herein confessed.”
*God has made me willing to do any thing, that I can do, consistent
with truth, for the sake of peace, and that I might not be a
stumbling-block and offence to others. For this reason I can chearfully
give up what I verily believe, after the most impartial search, is my
right. God has given me that disposition, that if this were the case,
that a man has done me an hundred injuries, and I (though ever so much
provoked to it) have done him one, I am heartily willing humbly to
confess my fault to him, and on my knees to ask forgiveness of him;
though at the same time he should justify himself in all the injuries
he has done me, and should only make use of my humble confession to
blacken my character the more, and represent me as the only person
guilty; yea, though he should as it were insult me, and say, “he knew
all this before, and that I was making work for repentance.” Though
what I said concerning Mr. Whittelsey was only spoken in private, to
a friend or two; and being partly overheard, was related to the rector,
and by him extorted from my friends; yet, seeing it was divulged and
made public, I was willing to confess my fault therein publickly.¹
¹ I was witness to the very Christian spirit Mr. Brainerd
shewed at that time, being then at New-Haven, and being
one that he saw fit to consult on that occasion. (This
was the first time that ever I had opportunity of personal
acquaintance with him.) There appeared in him a great degree
of calmness and humility; without the least appearance of
rising of spirit for any ill-treatment he had suffered, or
the least backwardness to abase himself before them whom
he thought, had wronged him. What he did was without any
appearance of reluctance even in private to his friends.
Earnest application was made on his behalf to the authority
of the college, that he might have his degree then given
him; and particularly by the Rev. Mr. Burr of Newark, one of
the correspondents of the honourable society in Scotland; he
being sent from New-Jersey to New-Haven, by the rest of the
commissioners, for that end; and many arguments were used,
but without success.――――What manner of spirit were these
governors of? Do these dare to call themselves _Christians_?
What is this Mr. Whittelsey? Was he worthy to carry Mr.
Brainerd’s books after him?
[The next day he went to Derby; then to Southbury, where he spent the
Sabbath.]
Tuesday, September 20. I had thoughts of going forward on my journey to
my Indians; but towards night was taken with a hard pain in my teeth,
and shivering cold, and could not possibly recover a comfortable decree
of warmth the whole night following. I continued very full of pain all
night; and in the morning had a fever, and pains almost all over my
body. I had a sense of the divine goodness in appointing this to be the
place of my sickness, among my friends. I should probably have perished,
if I had first got home to my own house in the wilderness, where I have
none to converse with but the poor rude ignorant Indians. I continued
thus, mostly confined to my bed, till Friday night; very full of pain;
but not afraid of death.――――On Friday evening my pains went off
suddenly.
[From this time, he gradually recovered; and on the next Tuesday was
able to go forward on his journey; but was till the Tuesday following
before he reached Kaunaumeek.]
Tuesday, October 4. This day I rode home to my own house and people.
The poor Indians appeared very glad of my return. I presently fell
on my knees, and blessed God for my safe return. I have taken many
considerable journeys since this time last year, and yet God has never
suffered one of my bones to be broken, or any calamity to befal me,
though I have been often exposed to cold and hunger in the wilderness,
where the comforts of life were not to be had; have frequently been
lost in the woods; and once lay out in the woods all night.
Lord’s-day, October 16. I retired, and poured out my soul to God with
much freedom; and yet in anguish, to find my soul so unspeakably sinful
and unworthy before a holy God. I was now much resigned under God’s
dispensations towards me, though my trials had been very great. But
thought whether I could be resigned, if God should let the French
Indians come upon me, and deprive me of my life, or carry me away
captive, (though I knew of no special reason then to propose this trial
to myself,) and my soul seemed so far to rest in God, that the sting
and terror of these things was gone. Presently after I received the
following letter by a messenger sent on purpose.
“Sir, Just now we received advices from Colonel Stoddard, that there
is the utmost danger of a rupture with France. He has received the
same from his excellency our governor, ordering him to give notice to
all the exposed places, that they may secure themselves the best they
can against any sudden invasion. We thought best to send directly to
Kaunaumeek, that you may take the prudentest measures for your safety.
I am, Sir, &c.”
I thought, it came in a good season; for my heart seemed fixed on God,
and therefore I was not surprised: but this news only made me more
serious, and taught me that I must not please myself with any of the
comforts of life which I had been preparing.
Lord’s-day, October 23. I had some freedom and warmth, both parts of
the day. And my people were very attentive. In the evening, two or
three came to me under concern for their souls; to whom I was enabled
to discourse closely, and with some earnestness.
[He seems, through the whole of this week, to have been greatly engaged
to fill up every inch of time in the service of God, and to have been
most diligently employed in study, prayer, and instructing the Indians;
and from time to time expresses longings of soul after God, and the
advancement of his kingdom.]
Monday, October 31. My soul was so lifted up to God, that I could
pour out my desires to him, for more grace and further degrees of
sanctification, with abundant freedom. I longed to be more abundantly
prepared for that blessedness, with which I was then in some measure
refreshed.
Thursday, November 3. I spent this day in secret fasting and prayer,
from morning till night. Early in the morning, I had some assistance
in prayer. Afterwards, I read the story of Elijah the prophet, 1 Kings
xvii. xviii. and xix. chapters. My soul was much moved, observing the
faith, zeal, and power of that holy man; and how he wrestled with God
in prayer. I then cried with Elisha, “Where is the Lord God of Elijah!”
I longed for more faith! My soul breathed after God, and pleaded with
him, that a “double portion of that spirit,” which was given to Elijah,
might “rest on me.” And that which was refreshing to my soul, was, I
saw God is the _same_ that he was in the days of Elijah.――I was enabled
to wrestle with God by prayer, in a more affectionate, humble, and
importunate manner, than I have for many months past. Nothing seemed
too hard for God to perform; nothing too great for me to hope for from
him.――I had for many months lost all hopes of doing any special service
for God in the world; it appeared entirely impossible, that one so
vile should be thus employed for God. But at this time God was pleased
to revive this hope.――Afterwards I read the third chapter of Exodus
and on to the xxth, and saw more of the _glory_ and _majesty_ of _God_
discovered in those chapters, than ever I had seen before; frequently
in the mean time falling on my knees, and crying to God for the faith
of Moses, and for a manifestation of the _divine glory_. My soul was
ardent in prayer, and I was enabled to wrestle for myself, for my
friends, and for the church of God. And I felt more desire to see the
power of God in the conversion of souls, than I have done for a long
season. Blessed be God for this season of fasting and prayer! May his
goodness always abide with me, and draw my soul to him!
*Monday November 7. This morning my mind was solemn, fixed,
affectionate, and ardent in desires after holiness; and felt full of
tenderness and love; and my affections seemed to be dissolved into
kindness and softness.――My soul longed after God, and cried to him with
filial freedom, reverence, and boldness. O that I might be entirely
consecrated and devoted to God!
Thursday, November 10. I spent this day in fasting and prayer. In the
morning I was dull and lifeless: But after some time, reading 2 Kings
xix. chapter, my soul was moved and affected. I saw there was no way
for the afflicted to take, but to go to God with all their sorrows.
Hezekiah, in his great distress, went and spread his complaint before
the Lord. I was then enabled to see the mighty power of God, and my
extreme need of that power; and to cry to God affectionately and
ardently for his power to be exercised towards me.
[The remaining part of this week, and the two following weeks, he was
very ill, and full of pain; and yet obliged, to be at great fatigues,
travelling day and night, in stormy and severe seasons. He from time
to time, within this space, speaks of out-goings of soul after God; his
heart strengthened in God; seasons of divine sweetness and comfort. And
yet there are many complaints of lifelessness, distance from God, and
unprofitableness. But still there appears a constant care, from day to
day, not to lose time, but to employ it all for God.]
Tuesday, November 29. I began to study the Indian tongue, with
Mr. Sergeant at ♦Stockbridge.¹――I was perplexed for want of more
retirement.――I love to live alone in my own little _cottage_, where
I can spend much time in prayer.
♦ “Stockbrige” replaced with “Stockbridge”
¹ The commissioners had directed him to spend much time
this winter with Mr. Sergeant, to learn the language of
the Indians; which necessitated him very often to ride,
backwards and forwards, twenty miles through the uninhabited
woods between Stockbridge and Kaunaumeek. This many times
exposed him to extreme hardship in that severe season.
Monday, December 5. I rode to Stockbridge, but was almost outdone with
the extreme cold. I had some refreshing meditations by the way; but was
barren and lifeless, much of the day. Thus my days roll away, with but
little done for God; and this is my burden.
Tuesday, December 6. I was perplexed to see the vanity and levity of
professed Christians: but I spent the evening with a Christian friend,
that was able to sympathize with me in my spiritual conflicts.
*Thursday, December 8. My mind was lost with different affections. I
was looking round in the world, to see if there was not some happiness
to be derived from it. God, and some objects in the world seemed each
to invite my heart, and my soul seemed to be distracted between them.
I have not been so beset for a long time: with relation to some objects
which I thought myself most dead to. But while I was desiring to please
myself with any thing below, sorrow and perplexity attended the first
motions of desire.――I found no peace or deliverance from distraction,
till I found access to the throne of grace; and as soon as I had
any sense of God, the allurements of the world vanished. But my soul
mourned over my folly, that I should desire any pleasure, but in God.
God forgive my spiritual idolatry.
Thursday, December 22. I spent this day alone in fasting and prayer,
and reading in God’s word the exercises and deliverance of his children.
I had realizing apprehensions of divine power, grace, and holiness; and
also of the unchangeableness of God, that he is the same as he was when
he delivered his saints of old out of tribulation. My soul was sundry
times in prayer enlarged for God’s church and people. O that Zion might
become the “joy of the whole earth!”
Monday, December 26. I rode down to Stockbridge, but was very much
fatigued with my journey, wherein I underwent great hardship: being
very wet by falling into a river. I spent the day without much sense
of divine things; but perplexed with wandering thoughts.
Thursday, December 29. I spent the day mainly in conversing with
friends; yet enjoyed little satisfaction, because I could find but few
disposed to converse of heavenly things. Alas what are the things of
this world, to afford satisfaction to the soul!――――I blessed God for
retirement, and that I am not always exposed to company. O that I could
live “in the secret of God’s presence!”
Friday, December 30. I was in a solemn devout frame and wondered that
earth with all its charms, should ever allure me in the least degree.
O that I could always realize the being and holiness of God!
Saturday, December 31. I rode from Stockbridge home: the air was clear
and calm, but as cold as ever I felt it. I was in great danger of
perishing by the extremity of the season.
Lord’s-day, January 1, 1743‒4. Of a truth God has been gracious to me
the past year, though he has caused me to pass through many sorrows; he
has provided for me bountifully, so that I have been enabled in about
fifteen month’s past, to bestow to charitable uses about an hundred
pounds. Blessed be the Lord, that has so far used me as _his steward_
to distribute a _portion of his goods_. May I always remember, that all
I have comes from God. Blessed be the Lord, that has carried me through
all the toils, fatigues, and hardships of the year past. O that I could
begin this year _with God_, and spend the whole of it to _his glory_,
either in life or death!
Tuesday, January 3. My time passes away so swiftly, that I am
astonished when I reflect how little I do in it. My state of solitude
does not make the hours hang heavy upon my hands. O what reason of
thankfulness have I on account of this retirement! I do not, and it
seems I cannot, lead a Christian life when I am abroad, and cannot
spend time in devotion, Christian conversation, and meditation. Those
weeks that I am obliged to be from home, in order to learn the Indian
tongue, are mostly spent in barrenness. When I return home, and give
myself to meditation, prayer, and fasting, a new scene opens, and my
soul longs for mortification, self-denial, humility, and divorcement
from all the things of the world.
*Wednesday, January 4. Time appeared a _moment_, life a _vapour_, and
all its enjoyments as _empty bubbles_, and fleeting blasts of wind.
*Friday, January 6. Feeling my extreme weakness, and want of grace,
I set apart this day for fasting and prayer, neither eating nor
drinking from evening to evening. And my soul intensely longed,
that the dreadful spots and stains of sin may be washed away. My
mind was greatly fixed on divine things: my resolutions for a life
of mortification, continual watchfulness, self-denial, seriousness,
and devotion to God, were strong and fixed; my desires ardent and
intense: my conscience tender and afraid of every appearance of evil.
My soul was grieved with the reflection on my past levity, and want of
resolution for God. I solemnly renewed my dedication of myself to God,
and longed for grace to enable me always to keep covenant with him.
Saturday, January 14. This morning I enjoyed a solemn season in prayer:
my soul seemed enlarged, to pour out itself to God for grace, and for
every blessing I wanted, for myself, my dear Christian friends, and for
the church of God; and I was so enabled to _see him who is invisible_,
that my soul _rested upon him_ for the performance of every thing I
asked. It was my happiness, to “continue instant in prayer.” My soul
was “strong in the Lord, and in the power of his might.” I longed
exceedingly for angelic holiness, and to have all my thoughts, at all
times employed in heavenly things. O how blessed is an heavenly temper!
O how unspeakably blessed it is to feel a measure of that rectitude, in
which we were at first created!
[The next day he speaks of some glimpses he had of the divine glories;
but seems to be filled with fears lest he should return to a life of
vanity, to please himself with some of the enjoyments of this world;
and speaks of his being much troubled that he should address immortal
souls with no more ardency and desire of their salvation.]
Saturday, February 4. I enjoyed freedom and spiritual refreshment;
was enabled to pray with fervency, and longing desires for Zion’s
prosperity, and my faith and hope seem to _take hold of God_, for
the performance of what I was enabled to plead for. Sanctification in
myself, and the ingathering of God’s elect, was all my desire; and the
hope of its accomplishment, all my joy.
Monday, February 6. This morning, my soul was strengthened in God,
and found sweet repose in him; longing especially for the complete
mortification of sensuality and pride, and for resignation to God’s
dispensations, at all times, as through grace I felt it at this time.
And I did not desire deliverance from any difficulty, unless God was
willing.
Tuesday, February 7. I was much engaged in meditation on the powers and
affections of the godly soul in their pursuit of their beloved object:
wrote something of the native language of spiritual sensation, in its
soft and tender whispers; declaring, that it now “feels and tastes that
the Lord is gracious;” that he is the supreme good, the only satisfying
happiness; that he is a complete, sufficient, and Almighty portion:
saying,
*_“Whom have I in heaven but thee? And there is none upon earth that
I desire besides thee._ O, I feel it is heaven to please him, and to
be just what he would have me to be! O that my soul were _holy, as he
is holy_! O that it were _pure, even as Christ is pure_: and _perfect,
as my Father in heaven is perfect_! These, I feel, are the sweetest
commands in God’s book, comprising all others. And shall I break them!
Must I break them! Am I under a necessity of it as long as I live
in the world!¹ O my soul, wo, wo is me that I am a sinner, because I
grieve and offend this blessed God, who is infinite in goodness and
grace! Oh methinks, if he would punish me for my sins, it would not
wound my heart so deep to offend him: but though I sin continually, yet
he continually repeats his kindness to me! I could bear any suffering;
but how can I bear to grieve and dishonour this blessed God! How shall
I yield ten thousand times more honour to him? What shall I do to
glorify this best of beings? O that I could consecrate myself, soul and
body, to his service for ever! O that I give up myself to him, so as
never more to attempt to be my own, or to have any will or affections
that are not perfectly ♦conformed to him! But, alas, alas! I cannot
be thus entirely devoted to God.² O ye angels, do ye glorify him
incessantly; and if possible, prostrate yourselves lower before the
blessed King of Heaven! I long to bear a part with you; and, if it were
possible, to help you. Oh, when we have done all that we can, to all
eternity, we shall not be able to offer the ten thousandth part of the
homage that the glorious God deserves!”
¹ No.
♦ “confirmed” replaced with “conformed” per Errata
² You may as sure as God is true.
Thursday, February 9. I observed this day as a day of fasting and
prayer, intreating of God to bestow upon me his blessing and grace:
especially to enable me to live a life of mortification to the world,
as well as of resignation and patience. I enjoyed a realizing sense of
divine power and goodness in prayer: and was enabled to roll the burden
of myself and friends, and of Zion, upon the goodness of God.
Friday, February 10. I was exceedingly oppressed with shame, grief, and
fear, under a sense of my past folly. When God sets before me my past
misconduct, especially any instances of _misguided zeal_, it sinks my
soul into shame and confusion.――I have no confidence to hold up my face,
even before my fellow-worms; but only when my soul confides in God, and
I find the sweet temper of Christ, the spirit of humility, solemnity,
and mortification, and resignation, alive in my soul.
Monday, February 13. I rode to Stockbridge, and had a more refreshing
taste of heavenly blessedness, than I have enjoyed for many months past.
I have many times, of late, felt as ardent desires of holiness as ever;
but not so much sense of the unspeakable pleasure of heaven. My soul
longed to leave earth, and bear a part with angels in their celestial
employments. My soul said, “Lord, it is good to be here;” and it
appeared to me better to die, than to lose the relish of these heavenly
delights.
Wednesday, February 22. I had as clear a sense of the pollution of my
nature, as ever I had in my life. I appeared to myself inexpressibly
lothsome; sins of childhood, of early youth, and such follies as I
had not thought of for years together, came fresh to my view, as if
committed but yesterday. Yet I was supported under my burdens; and
found it was comfortable to lean on God.
*Friday, March 2. I never felt so much love to my enemies, (though at
that time I found such a disposition, that I scarce knew how to think
that any such thing as enmity lodged in any soul; it seemed as if all
the world must needs be friends;) and never prayed with more freedom
and delight, for myself, or dearest friend, than I did now for them.
*Saturday, March 3. I spent an hour in prayer, with great freedom,
and with the most soft and tender affection towards mankind. I longed
that those who owe me ill-will, might be eternally happy: it seemed
refreshing, to think of meeting them in heaven, how much soever they
had injured me on earth: I had no disposition to insist upon any
confession from them, in order to reconciliation, and the exercise of
love and kindness to them. O it is an emblem of heaven, to love all the
world with a love of kindness and benevolence; to feel our souls sedate,
mild and meek; to be void of all evil-surmisings and suspicions, scarce
able to think evil of any man; to find our hearts, simple, open and
free, to those that look upon us with a different eye.
*Lord’s-day, March 4. I enjoyed the same intenseness in prayer as
yesterday, felt the same spirit of love, universal benevolence,
forgiveness, humility, resignation, mortification to the world, and
composure of mind. “My soul rested in God;” and I found, I wanted no
other refuge or friend. While my soul thus trusts in God, all things
seem to be at peace with me, even the stones of the earth; but when I
cannot confide in God, all things appear with a different aspect.
*Saturday, March 10. I felt exceeding dead to the world, and all its
enjoyments: I was ready to give up life and all its comforts, as soon
as called to it; and yet then had as much comfort of life as almost
ever I had. Life itself appeared but an empty bubble; the riches,
honours, and enjoyments of it extremely tasteless. I longed to be
perpetually and entirely _crucified_ to all things here below. My soul
was sweetly resigned to God’s disposal of me, in every regard; and
I saw, there had nothing happened to me but what was best for me. I
confided in God, that he would “never leave me,” though I should “walk
through the valley of the shadow of death.” It was “my meat and drink
to be holy, to live to the Lord, and to die to the Lord.” And I then
enjoyed such an heaven, as far exceeded the most sublime conceptions of
an unregenerate soul; and even unspeakably beyond what I myself could
conceive at another time. I did not wonder, that Peter said, “Lord it
is good to be here,” when thus refreshed with divine glories. My soul
was full of love and tenderness in the duty of intercession; especially
of sweet affection to some godly ministers. I prayed earnestly for
those I have reason to fear are my enemies; and could not have spoken a
word of bitterness, or entertained a bitter thought, against the vilest
man living. I had a sense of my own great unworthiness. My soul seemed
to breathe forth love and praise to God afresh, when I thought he
would let his children love and receive me as one of their brethren and
fellow-citizens; and when I thought of their treating me in that manner,
I longed to lie at their feet; and could think of no way to express the
sincerity and simplicity of my love and esteem of them, as being much
better than myself.――I longed to get on my knees, and ask forgiveness
of every body that ever had seen any thing amiss in my past conduct,
especially in my _religious zeal_.
Lord’s-day, March 11. I had some freedom, affection, and fervency in
addressing my poor people; longing that God should take hold of their
hearts. And indeed I had so much to say to them, that I knew not how to
leave off speaking.¹
¹ This was the last Sabbath that ever he performed public
service at Kaunaumeek, and these the last sermons that ever
he preached there.
Monday, March 12. My spirit was full of quietness, and love to mankind;
and I longed that peace should reign on the earth: I was grieved at the
very thoughts of a _fiery, angry_, and _intemperate_ zeal in religion;
mourned over my past follies; and confided in God for grace sufficient
for my future work and trials.――Spent the day mainly in hard labour,
making preparation for my intended journey.
Wednesday, March 14. I enjoyed some intenseness of soul in prayer,
repeating my petitions for God’s presence in every place, and besought
the Lord that I might not be too much pleased with my dear friends and
acquaintance. Near ten I set out on my journey, and before night came
to Stockbridge.
Thursday, March 15. I rode down to Sheffield. Here I met a messenger
from East-Hampton on Long-Island; who by the unanimous vote of that
large town, was sent to invite me thither, in order to settle with that
people; I knew not what to do; but endeavoured to commit the cause to
God.
[The two next days, he went no farther than Salisbury, being hindered
by the rain. When he came there, he was much indisposed.――He speaks
of comfortable and profitable conversation with Christian friends, on
these days.]
Lord’s day, March 18. [At Salisbury] I was exceeding weak and faint, so
that I could scarce walk: but God was pleased to afford me much freedom,
clearness, and fervency in preaching.――Here another messenger met me,
and informed me of the vote of another congregation, to give me an
invitation to come among them. I was something exercised in mind. O
that God would “send forth faithful labourers into his harvest!”
[After this, he went forward on his journey towards New-York and
New-Jersey: in which he proceeded slowly; performing his journey under
great bodily indisposition. However, he preached several times by the
way, in which he had considerable assistance: he speaks of comfort in
conversation with Christian friends; but yet complains of a decline
of vivacity, by means of his constant removal from place to place, and
want of retirement. He came to New-York on Wednesday, March 28, and to
Elisabeth-Town on the Saturday following, where it seems he waited till
the commissioners came together.]
Thursday, April 5. I attended on the commissioners in their meeting,¹
and resolved to go on still with the Indian affair, if divine
providence permitted; although I had before felt some inclination to
go to East-Hampton.²
¹ The Indians at Kaunaumeek being but few in number, and
Mr. Brainerd having now been labouring among them about a
year, and having prevailed upon them to leave Kaunaumeek,
and remove to Stockbridge, to live constantly under Mr.
Sergeant’s ministry; he thought he might now do more service
for Christ among the Indians elsewhere: and therefore went
this journey to New-Jersey to lay the matter before the
commissioners; who met at Elisabeth-Town, on this occasion,
and determined that he should forthwith leave Kaunaumeek,
and go to the Delaware Indians.
² By the invitations Mr. Brainerd lately received, it
appears that it ♦was not from necessity, or for want of
opportunities to settle among the English, that he was
determined to forsake all outward comforts, and to go and
spend his life among the brutish savages. He had, just
as he was leaving Kaunaumeek, an earnest invitation to a
settlement at East-Hampton on Long-Island, the fairest,
pleasantest town on the whole island, and one of its largest
and most wealthy parishes. The people there were unanimous
in their desires to have him for their pastor, and for a
long time continued in an earnest pursuit of it. Besides he
had an invitation to Millington; which was near his native
town, and in the midst of his friends. Nor did Mr. Brainerd
chuse the business of a missionary, rather than accept of
those invitations, because he was unacquainted with the
difficulties and sufferings which attended such a service:
for he had had experience of these difficulties in summer
and winter: having spent about a twelvemonth in a lonely
desert among these savages, where he had gone through
extreme hardships, a train of outward and inward sorrows.
Notwithstanding all these things, he chose still to go on;
and that although the place he was now going to, was at a
much greater distance from most of his friends, acquaintance,
and native land.
♦ “was” replaced with “was not” per Errata
[After this, he continued two or three days in ♦the Jerseys, very ill;
and then returned to New-York; and from thence into New-England, to his
native town of Haddam; where he arrived on Saturday, April 14.]
♦ “he” replaced with “the”
*Tuesday, April 17. I found more of God’s presence, than I have done
any time in my late wearisome journey. Eternity appeared very near;
my nature was very weak, and seemed ready to be dissolved; the sun
declining, and the shadows of the evening drawing on a pace. O I longed
to fill up the remaining moments all for God! Though my body was so
feeble, and wearied with preaching, and private conversation, yet I
wanted to sit up all the night to do something for God. To God, the
giver of these refreshments, be glory for ever and ever.
[After this, he visited several ministers in Connecticut; and then
travelled towards Kaunaumeek, and came to Mr. Sergeant’s at Stockbridge,
Thursday, April 26.]
Friday and Saturday, April 27, and 28. I spent some time in discoursing
with my people, who were now moved down from their own place to Mr.
Sergeant’s.
Monday, April 30. I rode to Kaunaumeek, but was extremely ill; and did
not enjoy the comfort I hoped for in my own house.
Tuesday, May 1. Having received new orders to go to the Indians on
Delaware river in Pennsylvania, and my people here being mostly removed
to Mr. Sergeant’s, I this day took all my clothes, books, &c. and
disposed of them, and set out for Delaware river: but made it my way to
return to Mr. ♦Sergeant’s; which I did this day, just at night. I rode
several hours in the rain through the howling wilderness, although I
was so disordered in body, that little or nothing but blood came from
me.
♦ “Serjeant’s” replaced with “Sergeant’s”
Tuesday, May 8. I spent much of my time, while riding, in prayer, that
God would go with me to Delaware. My heart sometimes was ready to sink
with the thoughts of my work, and going alone in the wilderness, I
knew not where: but still it was comfortable, to think, that others of
God’s children had “wandered about in caves and dens of the earth:” and
Abraham, when he was called to go forth, “went out, not knowing whither
he went.”
[The next day, he went forward on his journey; crossed Hudson’s river,
and went to Goshen in the Highlands; and so travelled across the woods,
from Hudson’s river to Delaware, about an hundred miles, through a
desolate and hideous country, above New-Jersey; where were very few
settlements: in which journey he suffered much fatigue and hardship. He
visited some Indians in the way,¹ and discoursed with them concerning
Christianity, but was melancholy and disconsolate, being alone in a
strange wilderness. On Saturday, he came to a settlement of Irish and
Dutch people, about twelve miles above the Forks of Delaware.]
¹ See Mr. Brainerd’s Narrative, in a letter to Mr. Pemberton.
On May 10. I met with a number of Indians in a place called Minnissinks,
about an hundred and forty miles from Kaunaumeek, and directly in my
way to Delaware river. With these Indians I spent some time, and first
addressed their _king_ in a friendly manner; and after some discourse,
I told him I had a desire to instruct them in _Christianity_. At which
he laughed, turned his back upon me, and went away. I then addressed
another _principal_ man in the same manner, who said he was willing
to hear me. After some time, I followed the _king_ into his house,
and renewed my discourse to him: but he declined talking, and left
the affair to another, who appeared to be a rational man. He talked
very warmly near a quarter of an hour, and inquired why I desired the
Indians to become _Christians_, seeing the Christians were so much
worse than the Indians? The Christians, he said, would lie, steal,
and drink, worse than the Indians. It was _they_ first taught the
Indians to be drunk; and _they_ stole from one another, to that degree,
that their rulers were obliged to hang them for it, and that was not
sufficient to deter others from the like practice. But the Indians,
he added, were none of them ever hanged for stealing, and yet they
did not steal half so much; and he supposed that if the Indians should
become Christians, they then would be as bad as these. He added, they
would live as their _fathers_ lived, and go where their _fathers_ were
when they died. I then freely _owned, lamented_, and joined with him
in _condemning_ the ill conduct of some who are called _Christians_;
told him, these were not _Christians_ in _heart_; that I hated such
wicked practices, and did not desire the Indians to become such as
these.――And when he appeared calmer, I asked him if he was willing
that I should come and see them again: he replied, he should be willing
to see me again, as a _friend_, if I would not desire them to become
_Christians_.――I then bid them farewell, and prosecuted my journey
towards Delaware. And May 13th I arrived at a place called by the
Indians, Sakhauwotung, within the Forks of Delaware in Pennsylvania.
Here also when I came to the Indians, I saluted their king, in a manner
I thought most engaging: and soon after informed him of my desire to
instruct them in the _Christian religion_. After he had consulted a
few minutes with two or three old men, he told me, he was willing to
hear. I then preached to those few that were present; who appeared very
attentive. And the king in particular seemed both to wonder, and at the
same time to be well pleased with what I taught them, respecting the
divine being. And since that time he has ever shewn himself friendly
to me, giving me free liberty to preach in his house whenever I think
fit.――Here therefore I spent the greater part of the summer, preaching
usually in the king’s house.
The number of Indians in this place is but small; most of those that
formerly belonged here, are removed farther back in the country. There
are not more than ten houses hereabouts, that continue to be inhabited;
and some of these are several miles distant from others, which makes
it difficult for the Indians to meet together so frequently as could be
desired.
When I first began to preach here, the number of _hearers_ was very
small; often not exceeding twenty or twenty-five persons: but towards
the latter part of the summer, their number increased, so that I have
frequently had forty persons, or more, at once: and often the most of
those belonging to these parts.
Lord’s-day, May 13. I rose early; felt very poorly after my long
journey, and after being wet and fatigued. I had scarce ever seen such
a gloomy morning in my life: there appeared to be no _Sabbath_: the
children were all at play; I a stranger in the wilderness, and knew
not where to go; and all circumstances seemed to conspire to render
my affairs dark and discouraging. I mourned after the presence of God,
and seemed like a creature banished from his sight! Yet he was pleased
to support my sinking soul, amidst all my sorrows; so that I never
entertained any thought of quitting my business among the poor Indians;
but was comforted, to think, that death would ere long set me free from
these distresses.――I rode about three or four miles to the Irish people,
where I found some that appeared sober and concerned about religion.
My heart then began to be a little encouraged: I went and preached
first to the Irish, and then to the Indians: and in the evening I was
a little comforted; my soul seemed to rest on God and take courage. O
that the Lord would be my support and comforter in an evil world!
Monday, May 14. I felt myself loose from all the world; all appeared
“vanity and vexation of spirit.” I seemed lonesome, as if I was
banished from all mankind, and bereaved of all that is called pleasant
in the world; but appeared to myself so vile and unworthy, it seemed
fitter for me to be here than anywhere.
Thursday, May 17. I was greatly distressed with a sense of my vileness;
appearing to myself too bad to walk on God’s earth. God was pleased
to let me see my inward pollution to such a degree, that I almost
despaired of being made holy. In the afternoon I met with the Indians,
according to appointment, and preached to them. And while riding to
them, I seemed to confide in God; and afterwards had some enlargement
in prayer; vital piety and holiness appeared sweet to me, and I longed
for the perfection of it.
Lord’s-day, May 20. I preached twice to the poor Indians, and enjoyed
some freedom in speaking. My soul longed for assistance from above,
all the while; for I saw I had no strength for that work. Afterwards I
preached to the Irish people; and several seemed much concerned, with
whom I discoursed afterwards with freedom and power. Blessed be God for
any assistance to an unworthy worm.
Lord’s-day, May 27. I visited my Indians in the morning, and attending
upon a _funeral_ among them, was affected to see their _Heathenish
practices_. O that they might be “turned from darkness to light!”
Afterwards I got a considerable number of them together, and preached
to them; and observed them very attentive. I then preached to the white
people, and several seemed much concerned; especially one who had been
educated a Roman catholic. Blessed be the Lord for any help.
Monday, June 11. This day the _presbytery_ met at Newark, in order
to my _ordination_. I was very weak and disordered in body; yet
endeavoured to repose my confidence in God. At three in the afternoon
I preached my probation-sermon, from Acts xxvi. 17, 18, being a text
given me for that end. Afterwards I passed an examination before the
_presbytery_. My mind was burdened with the greatness of that charge I
was about to take upon me: so that I could not sleep this night, though
very weary and in great need of rest.
Tuesday, June 12. I was this morning further examined, respecting
my experimental acquaintance with Christianity. At ten o’clock
my _ordination_ was attended. I was affected with a sense of the
important trust committed to me; yet was composed, and solemn, without
distraction: and I then (as many times before) gave myself up to God,
to be for him, and not for another. O that I might always ♦be engaged
in the service of God, and duly remember the solemn charge I have
received, in the presence of God, angels, and men.
♦ “he” replaced with “be”
PART VI.
_From his ordination, till he began to preach to the Indians
at Crosweeksung._
THURSDAY, June 14. I wondered, that God should open the hearts of any
to treat me with kindness: and saw myself to be unworthy of any favour,
from God or men. I had much pain in my head; however I determined to
set out on my journey towards Delaware; but in the afternoon my pain
increased, so that I was obliged to take to my bed; and the night
following, I was greatly distressed with pain and sickness, and almost
bereaved of reason. On Saturday I was something relieved; but unable
to walk, till the Monday following. I often admired the goodness of
God, that he did not suffer me to proceed on my journey from this
place where I was so tenderly used.――God is very gracious to me,
both in health and sickness, and intermingles much mercy with all my
afflictions.
[On Tuesday, June 19. He set out, and in three days reached his place,
near the Forks of Delaware.]
*Lord’s-day, June 24. I was scarce able to walk: however, visited my
Indians, and took much pains to instruct them. But my mind was much
burdened with the weight of my work. My whole dependence was on God;
who alone I saw could make them willing to receive instruction. My
heart was much engaged in prayer, sending up silent requests to God,
even while I was speaking to them. O that I could always go in the
strength of the Lord!
Monday, June 25. To an eye of reason every thing that respects the
conversion of the Heathen is as dark as midnight; and yet I cannot but
hope in God, for the accomplishment of something glorious among them. I
longed much for the advancement of the Redeemer’s kingdom on earth, and
was very fearful lest I should admit some vain thought, and so lose the
sense I had of divine things. O for an abiding heavenly temper!
*Tuesday, June 26. I was much discouraged with the extreme difficulty
of the work; yet God supported me; and though the work of their
conversion appeared “impossible with man, yet with God” I saw “all
things were possible.” I was much assisted in prayer, especially for
the poor Heathen, and those of my own charge: and hoped that God would
bow the heavens and come down for their salvation. It seemed to me,
there could be no impediment sufficient to obstruct that glorious work,
seeing the living God was engaged for it. I continued solemnly lifting
up my heart to God, that I might be more mortified to this world, that
my soul might be taken up continually in the advancement of Christ’s
kingdom: and longed that God would purge me more, that I might be as
a chosen vessel to bear his name among the Heathens.
Wednesday, June 27. In the afternoon, I rode several miles to see if
I could procure any lands for the poor Indians, that they might live
together, and be under better advantages for instruction. While I was
riding, I had a deep sense of the difficulty of my work; and my soul
relied wholly upon God for success, in the diligent and faithful use
of means. I saw with the greatest certainty, that _the arm of the Lord_
must be _revealed_, for the help of these poor Heathen, if ever they
were delivered from the bondage of the powers of darkness.
Thursday, June 28. Towards noon I rode up to the Indians; and while
going, my heart went up to God in prayer for them; I could freely tell
God, he knew the cause was not mine, but his own, and it would be for
his own glory to convert the poor Indians: and blessed be God. I felt
no desire of honour from the world, as the instrument of it.
Saturday, June 30. My soul was much solemnized in reading God’s word;
especially the ninth chapter of Daniel. *I saw how God had called
out his servants to prayer, and made them wrestle with him, when he
designed to bestow any great mercy on his church. And I was ashamed of
myself, to think of my dulness and inactivity, when there seemed to be
so much to do for the upbuilding of Zion. Oh, how does Zion lie waste!
I longed, that the church of God might be enlarged: and was enabled
to pray in faith; my soul seemed sensibly to confide in God, and was
enabled to wrestle with him. Afterwards, I walked abroad to a place of
sweet retirement, and enjoyed assistance in prayer again: had a sense
of my great need of divine help, and felt my soul sensibly depend on
God.
*Lord’s day, July 1. After I came to the Indians, my mind was confused;
and I felt nothing of that sweet reliance on God, that my soul has
been comforted with in days past. In the afternoon I felt still barren,
when I began to preach; I seemed to myself to know nothing, and to
have nothing to say to the Indians; but soon after, I found in myself
a spirit of love, and warmth, and power; and God helped me to plead
with them, to “turn from all the vanities of the Heathen, to the living
God:” I am persuaded, the Lord touched their consciences; for I never
saw such attention in them before. When I came away, I spent the whole
time I was riding, in prayer and praise to God. And after I had rode
two miles, it came into my mind to dedicate myself to God again: which
I did with great solemnity, and unspeakable satisfaction; especially
giving up myself to him anew in the work of the ministry. And this I
did without any exception or reserve; not in the least shrinking back
from any difficulties, that might attend this blessed work. I was most
free, chearful, and full in this dedication of myself. My whole soul
cried, “Lord, to thee I dedicate myself: O accept of me, and let me be
thine for ever. Lord, I desire nothing else; I desire nothing more. O
come, come Lord, accept a poor worm. ‘_Whom have I in heaven but thee?
And there is none upon earth, that I desire besides thee._’” After this,
I was enabled to praise God with my whole soul, that he had enabled me
to devote and consecrate all my powers to him in this solemn manner.
My heart rejoiced in my particular work as a _missionary_; rejoiced in
my necessity of self-denial; and still continued to give up myself to
God, and implore mercy of him; praying incessantly, every moment, with
sweet fervency. My nature being very weak of late, was now considerably
overcome: my fingers grew very feeble, and numb, so that I could
scarcely stretch them out strait; and when I lighted from my horse
I could hardly walk, my joints seeming all to be loosed. But I felt
abundant strength _in the inner man_. I preached to the white people,
and God helped me much. Sundry of my poor Indians were so moved as to
come to meeting also; and one appeared much concerned.
Tuesday, July 3. This morning, I was enabled to pray under a feeling
sense of my need of help, to plead with God a considerable time.
Truly God is good to me. But my soul was grieved at my sinfulness and
♦barrenness, and longed to be more engaged for God. O it is sweet to
be _the Lord’s_, to be sensibly devoted to him! What a blessed portion
is God! How glorious, how lovely! O my soul longed to employ my time
wholly for God!――In the evening, I was enabled again to wrestle with
God in prayer with fervency to maintain a self-diffident and watchful
frame of spirit, jealous and afraid lest I should admit carelessness or
self-confidence.
♦ “barreness” replaced with “barrenness”
Friday, July 6. I am of late, most of all concerned for ministerial
qualifications, and the conversion of the Heathen; last year, I longed
to be prepared for a world of glory, and speedily to depart out of
this world; but of late, my chief concern is for the conversion of the
Heathen, and for that end, I long to live. But blessed be God, I have
less desire to live for any of the pleasures of the world, than ever
I had: I long and love to be a pilgrim; and want grace to imitate the
life, labours and sufferings of St. Paul among the Heathen. And when
I long for holiness now, it is chiefly, that whereby I may become
an “able minister of the New Testament,” especially to the Heathen.
I spent two hours this morning in reading and prayer; and was in
a watchful tender frame, afraid of every thing that might cool my
affections, and draw away my heart from God.
*Lord’s day, July 8. I was watchful, tender, and jealous of my own
heart, lest I should admit carelessness and vain thoughts, and grieve
the blessed Spirit, so that he should withdraw his sweet, kind, and
tender influences. I longed to “depart, and be with Christ,” more than
at any time of late. My soul was exceedingly united to the saints of
antient times, as well as those now living; especially my soul melted
for the society of Elijah and Elisha.
Wednesday, July 11. My soul was diffident, watchful, and tender, lest
I should offend my blessed Friend, in thought or behaviour. I confided
in, and leaned upon the blessed God. Oh, what need did I see myself to
stand in of God at all times, to assist me and lead me!
Saturday, July 21. Towards night my burden respecting my work among the
Indians began to increase much; and was aggravated by hearing sundry
things that looked very discouraging, in particular that they intended
to meet together the next day for an idolatrous feast and dance. Then I
began to be in anguish: I thought I must in conscience go and endeavour
to break them up; and knew not how to attempt such a thing. However I
withdrew to prayer, hoping for strength from above. And in prayer I was
exceedingly enlarged, and my soul was much drawn out. I pleaded with
so much earnestness and importunity, that when I arose from my knees I
could scarcely walk straight, my joints were loosed, the sweat ran down
my face and body, and nature seemed as if it would dissolve. I knew
they were met together to worship devils, and not God, and this made
me cry earnestly that God would appear, and help me in my attempts to
break up this idolatrous meeting. My soul pleaded long; and I thought
God would go with me to vindicate his own cause: and thus I spent
the evening, praying incessantly that I might not be self-dependent,
but have my whole dependence upon God. What I passed through was
inexpressible. *All things here below vanished; and there appeared to
be nothing of any importance to me, but holiness of heart and life, and
the conversion of the Heathen to God. All my cares, fears, and desires,
which might be said to be of a worldly nature, disappeared; and were of
little more importance than a puff of wind. I exceedingly longed, that
God would get to himself a name among the Heathen; and I appealed to
him with the greatest freedom, that he knew I “preferred him above my
chief joy.” Indeed, I had no notion of joy from this world; I cared not
where or how I lived, or what hardships I went through, so that I could
but gain souls to Christ.
Lord’s day, July 22. When I waked, my soul was burdened with what
seemed to be before me: I cried to God, before I could get out of my
bed: as soon as I was dressed, I withdrew into the woods, to pour out
my soul to him for assistance; and did with unspeakable freedom give
up myself afresh to God, for life or death, for all hardships he should
call me to among the Heathen; and felt as if nothing could discourage
me from this blessed work. I had a strong hope, that God would “bow the
heavens and come down,” and do some marvellous work among the Heathen.
And when I was riding to the Indians, my heart was continually going
up to God; and hoping, that God would make this the day of his power
and grace amongst the poor Indians. When I came to them, I found them
engaged in their frolic; but through divine goodness I got them to
break up and attend my preaching: yet still there appeared nothing of
the special power of God among them. I preached again to them in the
afternoon; and observed they were more sober than before; but still saw
nothing special among them; from whence Satan took occasion to buffet
me with these cursed suggestions, There is no God, or if there be, he
is not able to convert the Indians, before they have more knowledge.
I was very weak and weary, and my soul borne down with perplexity; but
was determined still to wait upon God.
Tuesday, July 24. I rode over a hideous mountain, to a number of
Indians, at a place called Kauksesauchung, more than thirty miles
westward from the place where I usually preach. I found about thirty
persons, and proposed my desire of preaching to them: they readily
complied, and I preached to them only twice, they being just then
removing from this place, to Susquahannah river.
While I was preaching, they appeared sober, and attentive: and were
somewhat surprized, having never before heard of these things. There
were two or three, who suspected that I had some ill design upon them;
and urged, that the white people had abused them, and taken their lands
from them, and therefore they had no reason to think that they were
concerned for their happiness; but, on the contrary, that they designed
to make them slaves, or get them on board their vessels, and make them
fight with the people over the water, (as they expressed it,) meaning
the French and Spaniards. However the most of them appeared very
friendly, and told me they were then going home to Susquahannah, and
desired I would make them a visit there, and manifested a considerable
desire of instruction.
This invitation gave me some encouragement in my great work; and made
me hope, that God designed to “open an ♦effectual door to me” for
spreading the gospel among the poor Heathens farther westward.
♦ “effectul” replaced with “effectual”
[From these Indians he returned to the Irish settlement, and there
preached to a numerous congregation: where was a considerable
appearance of awakening. Thursday, he returned home, exceedingly
fatigued and spent; still in the same mortification to the world, and
solicitous for the advancement of Christ’s kingdom: and on this day
he says, “I have felt, this week more of the spirit of a _pilgrim on
earth_, than ever before; and yet so desirous to see Zion’s prosperity,
that I was not so willing to leave this scene of sorrow as I used to
be.”――On the sabbath, he was confined by illness, not able to go out
to preach. He continued very ill all the next week, and says, that “he
thought he never before endured such a season of distressing weakness;
and that his nature was so spent, that he could neither stand, sit, nor
lie with any quiet; that he was exercised with extreme faintness and
sickness at his stomach; and that his mind was as much disordered as
his body, seeming to be stupid, and without all kind of affection; and
yet perplexed, to think, that he lived for nothing, that precious time
rolled away, and he could do nothing but trifle.”――Concerning the next
five days, he writes thus, “On Lord’s-day, August 5, was still very
poor. But though very weak, I visited and preached to the poor Indians
twice, and was strengthened vastly beyond my expectations. And indeed
the Lord gave me freedom and fervency in addressing them: though I had
not strength enough to stand, but was obliged to sit down the whole
time. Towards night I was extremely weak, faint, sick, and full of pain.
And I have continued much the same last week, thro’ the most of this,
(it being now Friday) unable to engage in any business; frequently
unable to pray in the family. I have neither strength to read, meditate,
nor pray: and this perplexes my mind. I seem like a man that has all
his estate embarked in one small boat, unhappily going adrift, down
a swift current. The poor owner stands on the shore, and looks, and
laments his loss. But, alas! though my all seems to be adrift, and I
stand and see it, I dare not lament: for this sinks my spirits more,
and aggravates my bodily disorders. O that God would pity my distressed
state!”
The next day three weeks, his illness was not so extreme; he was
in some degree capable of business: he also had, for the most part,
much inward assistance; he often expresses great longings for the
enlargement of Christ’s kingdom: he speaks of his hope of this as
all his delight and joy. He continues still to express his usual
longings after holiness, and living to God, and his sense of his own
unworthiness; he several times speaks of his appearing to himself the
vilest creature on earth; and once says, that he verily thought there
was none of God’s children who fell so far short of that holiness, and
perfection in their obedience, which God requires.]
Saturday, September 1. I enjoyed some comfort and sweetness: and as
my bodily strength was a little restored, so my soul seemed to be more
engaged in the things of God.
Lord’s-day, September 2. I was enabled to speak to my poor Indians with
much concern and fervency; and God enabled me to exercise faith in him,
while I was speaking to them. I perceived that some of them were afraid
to embrace _Christianity_, lest they should be enchanted and poisoned
by the ♦_powwows_: but I bid a challenge to all these _powers of
darkness_, to do their worst upon _me_ first. I told my people, I was
a _Christian_, and asked them why the ♦_powwows_ did not bewitch and
poison me? I scarcely ever felt more sensible of my own unworthiness,
than in this: but I saw the honour of God was concerned; and I trusted
to be preserved for a testimony of the divine power and goodness, and
of the truth of Christianity.
♦ “powows” replaced with “powwows”
Wednesday, September 26. After a journey to New-England, I rode home
to the Forks of Delaware. What reason have I to bless God, who has
preserved me in riding more than four hundred and twenty miles. My
health likewise is greatly recovered. O that I could dedicate my all
to God!
Monday, October 1. I was engaged this day in making preparation for my
journey to Susquahannah; and withdrew several times to plead for the
divine presence to go with me to the poor Pagans. Towards night I rode
about four miles, and met my brother Byram:¹ who was come, at my desire,
to be my companion to the Indians. I rejoiced to see him; and God made
his conversation profitable to me. I saw him, as I thought more dead to
the world, its cares, and alluring objects, than I was: and this made
me look within myself, and gave me a greater sense of my ingratitude,
and misery.
¹ Minister at a place called _Rockciticus_, about forty miles
from Mr. Brainerd’s lodgings.
Tuesday, October 2. I set out on my journey, in company with my dear
brother Byram, and my interpreter, and two chief Indians from the Forks
of Delaware. We travelled about twenty-five miles, and lodged in one
of the last houses on our road; after which there was nothing but a
hideous and howling _wilderness_.
Wednesday, October 3. We went on our way into the wilderness, and
found far the most difficult and dangerous travelling, that ever any
of us had seen; we had scarce any thing else but lofty mountains,
deep valleys, and hideous rocks, to make our way through. However,
I felt sweetness in divine things, and had my mind intensely engaged
in meditation. Near night, my beast that I rode upon, hung one of her
legs in the rocks, and fell down under me; but through divine goodness,
I was not hurt. However, she broke her leg; and being near thirty
miles from any house, I saw nothing that could be done to preserve her
life, and so was obliged to kill her, and to prosecute my journey on
foot. Just at dark, we kindled a fire, cut up a few bushes, and made a
shelter over our heads, to save us from the frost, which was very hard;
and committing ourselves to God, we lay down on the ground, and slept
quietly.
[The next day, they went forward on their journey, and at night took up
their lodging in the woods in like manner.]
Friday, October 5. We arrived at Susquahannah-river, at a place called
_Opeholhaupung_; and found there twelve Indian houses. After I had
saluted the king in a friendly manner, I told him my business, and that
my desire was to teach them _Christianity_. After some consultation,
the Indians gathered, and I preached to them. And when I had done, I
asked, if they would hear me again. They replied, they would consider
of it; and soon after sent me word, that they would immediately attend,
if I would preach; which I did with much freedom. When I asked them
again, whether they would hear me further, they replied, they would
the next day. I was exceeding sensible of the impossibility of doing
any thing for the poor Heathen without special assistance: and my soul
rested on God, and left it to him, to do as he pleased in his own cause.
Saturday, October 6. I preached again to the Indians: and in the
afternoon, visited them from house to house, and invited them to come
and hear me again the next day, and put off their hunting design, till
Monday. “This night, the Lord stood by me,” to encourage and strengthen
my soul: I spent more than an hour in secret retirement; and was
enabled to “pour out my heart before God,” for the increase of grace
in my soul, for ministerial endowments, and for success among the poor
Indians.
Monday, October 8. I visited the Indians with a design to take my leave,
supposing they would go out a hunting early; but beyond my expectation
and hope, they desired to hear me preach again. I gladly complied with
their request, and endeavoured to answer their _objections_ against
Christianity. Then they went away; and we spent the afternoon in
reading and prayer, intending to go homeward early the next day.
Tuesday, October 9. We rose about four, and commending ourselves to
God by prayer, we set out homewards about five, and travelled till past
six at night. We then made us a fire, and a shelter of barks, and so
rested.――In the night, the wolves howled round us; but God preserved us.
Friday, October 12. I came home to my lodging; where I poured out my
soul to God, and endeavoured to bless him for his abundant goodness
to me in my late journey. I scarce ever enjoyed more health; and
God marvellously, supported me under the fatigues of the way, and
travelling on foot. Blessed be the Lord, that preserves me in all my
ways.
Lord’s-day, October 14. I was much confused and perplexed in my
thoughts; and almost discouraged, thinking I should never be able
to preach any more. However, I went to the place of public worship,
lifting up my heart, and God was gracious to me, and helped me to plead
with him for holiness, and to use strong arguments with him, drawn
from the sufferings of Christ for this very end, that men might be made
holy. Afterwards I was much assisted in preaching. I know not that God
ever helped me to preach in a more close manner. Through the infinite
goodness of God, I felt what I spake: and God enabled me to speak with
uncommon clearness: and yet I was deeply sensible of my defects in
preaching; blessed be the Lord for his mercy. In the evening I longed
to be entirely alone, to bless God for help in extremity; and longed
for greater degrees of holiness, that I might shew my gratitude to God.
*Tuesday, October 16. I felt a spirit of solemnity and watchfulness;
and was afraid I should not live _to_ and _upon_ God: I longed for more
intenseness and spirituality. In the evening I enjoyed sweet assistance
in prayer, and thirsted and pleaded to be as holy as the blessed
_angels_.
*Friday, October 19. I had an abasing sense of my own unholiness; and
felt my soul melt and mourn, that I had grieved a gracious God, who was
still kind to me, notwithstanding all my unworthiness. My soul enjoyed
a sweet season of sorrow, that I had wronged that blessed God, who
was reconciled to me in his dear Son. My soul was now tender, devout,
and solemn: and I was afraid of nothing but sin; and afraid of that in
every action and thought.
Wednesday, October 24. Near noon I rode to my people; spent some
time, and prayed with them: felt the frame of a _pilgrim_ on earth;
longed much to leave this gloomy mansion; but yet found patience and
resignation. As I returned home from the Indians, I spent the whole
time in lifting up my heart to God.
In the evening I enjoyed a blessed season in prayer; was enabled
to cry to God with a child-like spirit: enjoyed a sweet freedom in
supplicating for myself, and for my dear friends: and longed to be as
lively in God’s service as the angels.
*Friday, October 26. In the morning my soul was melted with a sense of
divine goodness to such a vile worm; I delighted to lean upon God, and
place my whole trust in him: my soul was exceedingly grieved for sin,
and prized and longed after holiness; it wounded my heart deeply, yet
sweetly, to think how I had abused a kind God. I longed to be perfectly
holy, that I might not grieve a gracious God: I longed for holiness
more for this end, than for my happiness sake: and yet this was my
greatest happiness, nevermore to dishonour, but always to glorify the
blessed God.
Wednesday, October 31. I was sensible of my barrenness: my soul failed
when I remembered the fervency I had enjoyed. Oh (I thought) if I could
but be spiritual, warm, heavenly minded, and affectionately breathing
after God, this would be better than life to me! My soul longed
exceedingly for death, to be loosed from this dulness, and made ever
active in the service of God. I seemed to live for nothing, and to
do no good: and Oh, the burden of such a life! Oh, death, death, my
kind friend, hasten and deliver me from dull mortality, and make me
spiritual and vigorous to eternity!
Thursday, November 1. I felt life, and longings after God; I longed to
be always solemn, devout, and heavenly-minded; and was afraid to leave
off praying, lest I should again lose a sense of the sweet things of
God.
Friday, November 2. I was exercised sorely with some things that I
thought myself most of all freed from. And thus I have ever found it,
when I have thought the battle was over, and the conquest was gained,
and so let down my watch, the enemy has risen up and done me the
greatest injury.
[The next day he set out on a journey to New-York, to meet the
Presbytery there: and was gone from home more than a fortnight. He
seemed to enter on this journey with great reluctance; fearing it would
cool his religious affections. But, yet, in his journey he had special
seasons of God’s gracious presence. He was greatly fatigued therein by
cold and storms: and when he returned from New-York to New-Jersey, was
very ill for some time.]
Wednesday, November 21. I rode from Newark to Rockciticus in the
cold, and was almost overcome with it. But I enjoyed sweetness in
conversation with Mr. Jones: my soul loves the people of God, and
especially the ministers, who feel the same trials that I do.
*Thursday, November 22. I came on my way to Delaware river, tho’ much
disordered with a cold and pain in my head. About six at night I lost
my way in the wilderness, and wandered over rocks and mountains, down
hideous steeps, through swamps, and most dreadful and dangerous places:
and the night being dark, I was greatly exposed: I was much pinched
with cold, and distressed with an extreme pain in my head, attended
with sickness at my stomach; so that every step I took was distressing
to me. I had little hope, but that I must lie in the woods all night.
But about nine o’clock I found a house, and was kindly entertained.
Thus I have frequently been exposed: but God has hitherto preserved
me; blessed be his name. Such fatigues and hardships serve to wean
me from the earth; and will make heaven the sweeter. Formerly, when
I was thus exposed, I was ready to please myself with the thoughts of
a comfortable house, a warm fire, and other outward comforts; but now
these have less place in my heart, (through the grace of God) and my
eye is more to God for comfort. In this world I expect tribulation, and
it does not now appear strange to me. I do not in seasons of difficulty
flatter myself that it will be better hereafter; but rather think,
how much worse it might be; how much greater trials others of God’s
children have endured; and how much greater may be reserved for me.
Blessed be God, that he makes the thoughts of my journey’s-end a great
comfort to me, under my sharpest trials: and scarce ever lets these
thoughts be attended with terror; but frequently with great joy.
[Within the next twelve days he spent much time in hard labour, to make
a little cottage, to live in by himself.]
Thursday, December 6. Having now a happy opportunity of being retired
in a house of my own; I set apart this day for secret prayer and
fasting, to implore the blessing of God on myself, on my poor people,
on my friends, and on the church of God. And now God was pleased to
give me a discovery of _the plague of my own heart_, more affecting
than I have of late had. And especially I saw my sinfulness in this,
that when God had _withdrawn_ himself, instead of living and dying
in _pursuit_ of him, I have been disposed to one of these two things,
either to yield an unbecoming respect to some _earthly_ objects, as
if happiness were to be derived from them: or to be secretly _froward_
and impatiently desirous of _death_. That which often drove me to
this impatient desire of death, was a despair of doing any good. But
now God made me sensible of my sin, and enabled me to cry to him for
_forgiveness_. Yet this was not all I wanted: for my soul appeared
exceedingly polluted; and I wanted to be purified “by the blood of
sprinkling that cleanseth from all sin.” And this I was enabled to
pray for in faith. I enjoyed much more intenseness, fervency, and
spirituality than I expected; God was better to me than my fears. I
was enabled to persevere in prayer till the evening: I saw so much need
of divine help, that I knew not how to leave off, and had forgot that I
needed food.
Lord’s-day, December 9. I preached both parts of the day at a place
called _Greenwich_, about ten miles from my own house. In the first
discourse I had scarce any warmth. In the intermission season I got
alone among the bushes, and cried to God being in anguish, that I could
not address souls with more compassion and tender affection; which I
saw I could not get of myself, any more than I could make a world. In
the latter exercise, blessed be the Lord, I had some fervency, both in
prayer and preaching; and in the application I was enabled to address
precious souls with affection, tenderness, and importunity. The Spirit
of God was there; the effects were apparent, tears running down many
cheeks.
Monday, December 10. I rode home, blessed God for his ♦goodness; and
rejoiced, that so much of my work was done, and I so much nearer my
reward.
♦ “gooddess” replaced with “goodness” per Errata
Wednesday, December 12. I was very weak, but enabled with sweetness
to cry, “Come, Lord Jesus! come quickly.” My soul “longed for God, for
the living God.” O how delightful it is, to pray under such influences!
How much better than one’s _necessary food_! I had at this time no
disposition to eat, (though late in the morning) for earthly food
appeared wholly tasteless.――I visited and preached to the Indians,
in the afternoon; but under much dejection. I found my interpreter
under some concern for his soul; which was some comfort to me. I longed
greatly for his conversion, poured out my soul to God for him; and was
enabled to leave all with God.
Thursday, December 13. I spent the day in fasting and prayer, to
implore the divine blessing, more especially on my poor people; in
particular for my interpreter, and three or four more under some
concern for their souls: but in the evening it seemed as if I had need
to pray for nothing so much as for the pardon of sins committed in
the day past. The sins I had most sense of, were pride, and wandering
thoughts.
Lord’s-day, December 16. I was so overwhelmed with dejection, that
I knew not how to live: I longed for death exceedingly: my soul was
_sunk into deep waters_, and _the floods_ were ready to _drown me_:
I was so much oppressed, that my soul was in a kind of horror: I had
no distressing doubt about my own state; but would have chearfully
ventured into eternity. While I was going to preach to the Indians,
my soul was in anguish; I despaired of doing any good. But at last I
insisted on the evidence of Christianity from the _miracles_ of Christ:
and God helped me to make a close application to those that refused to
believe. I was encouraged to find, that God enabled me to be faithful
once more. Then I went and preached to another company of them; but
was very weary and faint. In the evening I was something refreshed,
and enabled to pray and praise God with composure and affection: I
was now willing to live, and longed to do more for God than my weak
state of body would admit of. “I can do all things through Christ that
strengthens me;” and I am willing to _spend_ and _be spent_ in his
service.
Tuesday, December 18. I went to the Indians, and discoursed to them
near an hour, and at last God helped me to speak with warmth. My
interpreter also was amazingly assisted; and I doubt not but “the
Spirit of God was upon him.” And presently most of the grown persons
were much affected, and the tears ran down their cheeks: and one old
man (I suppose an hundred years old) was so affected, that he wept, and
seemed convinced of the importance of what I taught them. I staid with
them a considerable time, exhorting them; and came away, lifting up my
heart to God, and encouraged my interpreter to “strive to enter in at
the strait gate.”
Thursday, January 5, 1744‒5. Being sensible of the great want of the
out-pouring of God’s Spirit, I spent this day in fasting and prayer, to
seek so great a mercy for myself, and my poor people in particular, and
for the church of God in general.
Saturday, January 5. I was much disordered in my head. I was distressed
with a sense of my spiritual pollution, and ten thousand youthful, yea,
and childish follies: all which appeared now fresh, and in a lively
view, as if committed yesterday.
Wednesday, January 9. In the morning, God was pleased to remove
that gloom which has of late oppressed my mind, and gave me freedom
and sweetness in prayer. I was encouraged to plead for grace for
myself, and mercy for my poor Indians: and was sweetly assisted in
my intercessions with God for others. Those things that of late have
appeared almost impossible, were now not only possible, but easy. My
soul so much delighted to continue instant in prayer, that I had no
desire for my _necessary food_: yea, I dreaded leaving off praying,
lest I should lose this spirituality, and this blessed thankfulness.
I felt now quite willing to live, and undergo all trials that might
remain for me in a world of sorrow; but still longed for heaven, that
I might glorify God in a perfect manner.
Monday, January 14. I spent this day under a great degree of bodily
disorder. It pains me, that I live so much of my time for nothing. I
long to do much in a little time, and if it might be the Lord’s will,
to _finish my work_ speedily in this tiresome world. I am sure, I do
not desire to live for any thing in this world; and through grace I am
not afraid to look the _king of terrors_ in the face: I know, I shall
be afraid, if God leaves me; and therefore I think it is always my duty
to lay in for that solemn hour. *But for a considerable time, my soul
has rejoiced to think of death in its nearest approaches; and even when
I have been very weak, and seemed nearest eternity. “Not unto me, not
unto me, but to God be the glory.” I feel that which convinces me, that
if God do not enable me to maintain a holy dependence upon him, death
will be a terror, but at present, I must say, “I long to depart, and
to be with Christ.” When I am in a sweet resigned frame of soul, I am
willing to tarry in a world of sorrow, I am willing to be from home as
long as God sees fit; but when I want the influence of this temper, I
am then apt to be impatient to be gone.――Oh when will the day appear,
that I shall be perfect in holiness.
Wednesday and Thursday, January 16, 17. I spent most of the time in
writing on a divine subject, and enjoyed freedom and assistance. O
what reason have I to be thankful, that God ever helps me to labour and
study for him! He does but _receive his own_, when I am enabled in any
measure to praise him, labour for him, and live to him.
Lord’s day, January 27. I had the greatest degree of inward anguish,
that ever I endured: I was perfectly overwhelmed, and so confused,
that after I began to discourse to the Indians, before I could finish
a sentence, sometimes I forgot entirely what I was aiming at. This
distressing gloom never went off the whole day: but was so far removed,
that I was enabled to speak with some freedom to the Indians, at two
of their settlements; and there was some appearance, of the presence
of God with us. In the evening the gloom continued still, till at
family-prayer,¹ when I was praying for the conversion of my poor people,
the cloud was scattered, so that I enjoyed sweetness and freedom, and
conceived hopes that God designed mercy for them.
¹ Though Mr. Brainerd now dwelt by himself in the little
cottage, which he had built for his own use; yet that was
near a _family_ of white people with whom he had lived
before, and with whom he still attended family-prayer.
Lord’s-day, February 3. In the morning, I was somewhat relieved of that
gloom, that my mind has of late been exercised with; and was enabled
to pray with composure and comfort. But, however, I went to my Indians
trembling; for my soul “remembered the wormwood and the gall” of Friday
last; and I was greatly afraid I should be obliged again to drink of
that _cup of trembling_, which was inconceivably more bitter than death.
But God was pleased to hear my cries, and to afford me great assistance;
so that I felt peace in my soul; and was satisfied, that if not one of
the Indians should be profited yet I should be accepted and rewarded as
faithful.
*Monday, February 11. In the evening I was in a most solemn frame: I
know not that ever death appeared more real to me, or that ever I saw
myself in the condition of a dead corpse, laid out, and dressed for a
lodging in the silent grave, so evidently. And yet I felt exceedingly
comfortable; my mind was composed and calm, and _death_ appeared
_without a sting_. I never felt such an universal mortification to all
created objects. Oh, how great and solemn a thing it appeared to die!
How it lays the greatest honour in the dust! And how vain and trifling
did the riches, honours, and pleasures of the world appear! I could not
so much as think of any of them; for _death, death_, solemn (though not
frightful) _death_ appeared at the door. I could see myself laid out,
and inclosed in my coffin, and put down into the cold grave, without
terror! I spent the evening in conversing with a Christian friend; and
it was a comfortable evening to us both.――What are friends? What are
comforts? What are sorrows? What are distresses?――――“The time is short:
it remains, that they that weep, be as though they wept not; and they
which rejoice, as though they rejoiced not: for the fashion of this
world passeth away. O come, Lord Jesus, come quickly.”
Friday, February 15. I had a sweet sense of the free grace of the
gospel: my soul was encouraged, warmed, and quickened, and my desires
drawn out after God in prayer: being afraid of losing so sweet a guest
as I then entertained. I longed to proclaim the grace I then meditated
upon, to the world of sinners.――O how _quick_ and _powerful_ is the
_word_ of the blessed God!
Lord’s day, February 17. I preached to the _white_ people in the
wilderness, upon the sunny side of a hill: I had a considerable
assembly, consisting of people that lived (many of them) thirty miles
asunder. I discoursed to them, from John vii. 37. “Jesus stood and
cried, saying, If any man thirst,” &c. In the afternoon it pleased God
to grant me great fervency; I was enabled to imitate the example of
Christ, who _stood and cried_.――I was scarce ever enabled to offer the
free grace of God to perishing sinners with more freedom and plainness.
O that I could for ever bless God for the mercy of this day, who,
“answered me in the joy of my heart.”
Lord’s-day, February 24. My _interpreter_ being absent, I knew not how
to perform my work among the Indians. However, I rode to the Indians,
and got a Dutchman to interpret, though he was but poorly qualified.
Afterwards I preached to a few white people from John vi. 67. O the
free grace of Christ, that he seasonably minds his people of their
danger of _backsliding_, and invites them to persevere in their
adherence to himself! I saw that _backsliding_ souls might return,
and welcome, to him _immediately_; without any thing to recommend
them; notwithstanding all their former backslidings. And I felt solemn,
devout, and sweet, resting on him for assistance, acceptance, and peace
of conscience.
*Wednesday, March 6. I spent most of the day in preparing for a journey
to New-England, and in prayer, with a reference to my journey. I was
afraid I should forsake the _fountain of living waters_, and attempt
to derive satisfaction from _broken cisterns_, my dear friends and
acquaintance. I looked to God to keep me from this _vanity_ in special,
as well as others. Towards night, I was visited by some friends, who
discovered an affectionate regard to me, and seemed grieved that I
was about to leave them; especially seeing I did not expect to make
any considerable stay among them, if I should live to return from
New-England.¹ O how kind has God been to me! How has he raised up
friends in every place, where his providence has called me!
¹ It seems, he had a design to remove and live among the
Indians at Susquahannah river.
[The next day, he set out on his journey; and it was above five weeks
before he returned.――The special design of this journey was “To raise
some money among Christian friends, in order to support a ♦colleague
with me in the wilderness, (I having now spent two years in a very
solitary manner) that we might be together; as Christ sent out his
disciples two and two.” He first went into various parts of New-Jersey,
then to New-York; and from thence into New-England. He then returned
into New-Jersey. He seems, for the most part, to have been free from
melancholy in this journey; and many times to have had extraordinary
assistance in public ministrations.]
♦ “collegue” replaced with “colleague”
Saturday, April 13. I rode home to my own house. Blessed be the Lord,
who has preserved me in this tedious journey. Verily it is God that has
upheld me, and guarded my goings.
[This week, he went a journey to Philadelphia, in order to engage the
_Governor_ there to use his interest with the chief man of the _Six
Nations_, (with whom he maintained a strict friendship) that he would
give him leave to live at Susquahannah, and instruct the Indians that
are within their territories.]¹
¹ The Indians at Susquahannah are a mixed company of many
nations, speaking various languages, and few of them
properly of the Six Nations. But yet the country having
formerly been conquered by the Six Nations, they claim the
land; and the Susquahannah-Indians are a kind of vassals to
them.
Lord’s-day, April 21. In the season of the communion, I had comfortable
apprehensions of the blissful communion of God’s people, when they
shall meet at their Father’s table in his kingdom.――In the afternoon
I preached abroad, from Revelation xiv. 4. “These are they that follow
the Lamb,” &c. God was pleased to give me great freedom and clearness,
but not so much warmth as before. However, there was a most amazing
attention in the whole assembly; and, as I was informed afterwards,
this was a sweet season to many.
Tuesday, April 23. I returned home to the Forks of Delaware; enjoyed
some sweet meditations on the road, and was enabled to lift up my heart
to God in prayer and praise.
Friday, April 26. I felt a spirit of mortification to the world, in a
very great degree. Afterwards I was enabled to rely on God sweetly, for
“all things pertaining to life and godliness.” Just in the evening, I
was visited by a dear Christian friend, with whom I spent an hour or
two in conversation, on the very soul of religion. There are many with
whom I can talk _about religion_; but alas! I find few with whom I can
talk _religion itself_: but, blessed be the Lord, there are some that
love to feed on the kernel, rather than the shell.
[The next day, he went to the Irish settlement about fifteen miles
distant: where he spent the sabbath. On Monday, he returned very weak,
to his own lodgings.]
Tuesday, April 30. I was scarce able to walk about, and was obliged to
lie on the bed, much of the day; being neither able to read, meditate,
nor pray, and having none to converse with in that wilderness. Oh, how
heavily does time pass away, when I can do nothing to any good purpose?
Thursday, May 2. In the evening, being a little better in health, I
walked into the woods, and enjoyed a sweet season of meditation and
prayer. My thoughts ran upon Psalms xvii. 15. “I shall be satisfied,
when I awake with thy likeness.” I longed to preach to the whole world;
and it seemed to me, they must needs all be melted in hearing such
precious truths, as I had then a view of.――Blessed be the Lord, that
in my present weakness, my mind is not gloomy, as at some other times.
Tuesday, May 7. I spent the day chiefly in making preparation for a
journey into the wilderness. I was still weak, and concerned how I
should perform it. I spent some time in prayer for the divine blessing;
but wanted bodily strength to spend the day in fasting and prayer.
[The next day, he set out on his journey to Susquahannah, with his
interpreter. He endured great hardships in his way thither through a
hideous wilderness: where, after having lodged one night in the open
woods, he was overtaken with a north-easterly storm, in which he was
ready to perish. Having no shelter, and not being able to make a fire
in so great a rain, he could have no comfort if he stopt; therefore
determined to go forward in hopes of meeting with some shelter, without
which he thought it impossible he should live the night through. But
their horses happening to have eat poisonous plants at a place where
they lodged the night before, were so sick that they could neither
ride nor lead them, but were obliged to drive them before them, until
through the mercy of God (just at dusk) they came to a bark-hut, where
they lodged that night. After he came to Susquahannah, he travelled
about an hundred miles on the river, visited many towns and settlements
of the Indians; and preached to different nations, by different
interpreters. He was sometimes much discouraged, through the opposition
that appeared in the Indians to Christianity. At other times, he was
encouraged by the disposition, that some of them manifested to hear,
and to be instructed. He here met with some that had formerly been
his hearers at Kaunaumeek, who saw and heard him again with great joy.
He spent a fortnight among the Indians; passed through considerable
hardships, frequently lodging on the ground, and sometimes in the
open air; and at length fell extremely ill, as he was riding in the
wilderness, being seized with an ague, followed with extreme pains
in his head and bowels, and a great evacuation of blood; so that he
thought he must have perished. But at last coming to an Indian trader’s
hut, he got leave to stay there: and though without physic or proper
food, it pleased God, after about a week, to relieve him so far that
he was able to ride. He returned homewards from Juneauta, an island
far down the river; where was a considerable number of Indians, who
appeared more free from prejudices against Christianity, than most of
the other Indians. He arrived at the Forks of Delaware on Thursday,
May 30, after having rode in this journey about three hundred and forty
miles. He came home in a very weak state. However, on the sabbath,
after having preached to the Indians, he preached to the _white_ people,
with success, from Isaiah liii. 10. “Yet it pleased the Lord to bruise
him,” &c. some being awakened by his preaching.]
Wednesday, June 5. I felt thirsting desires after God, and enjoyed a
precious season of retirement: divine things opened with clearness and
certainty, and had a divine stamp upon them: my soul was also enlarged
and refreshed in prayer; I delighted to continue in the duty: and
was sweetly assisted in praying for my fellow Christians, and my dear
brethren in the ministry. O what a blessedness it is, to be as much
like God, as it is possible to be! Lord, give me more of _thy likeness_;
“I shall be satisfied, when I awake with it.”
[Friday, June 7. He went a journey of near fifty miles to Neshaminy, to
assist at a sacramental occasion.]
Saturday, June 8. I was exceeding weak and fatigued with riding in the
heat yesterday; but being desired, I preached in the afternoon, to a
crouded audience, from Isaiah xl. 1. “Comfort ye, comfort ye my people,
saith your God.” God was pleased to give me great freedom. And, blessed
be the Lord, it was a sweet melting season in the assembly.
Lord’s day, June 9. I discoursed with reference to that sacred passage,
Isaiah liii. 10. “Yet it pleased the Lord to bruise him.” *God gave me
great assistance in addressing sinners: and the word was attended with
amazing power; many scores, if not hundreds, in that great assembly,
consisting of three or four thousand, were much affected; so that there
was a “very great mourning, like the mourning of Hadadrimmon.”――In
the evening, I could hardly look any body in the face, because of the
imperfections I saw in my performances in the day past.
Tuesday, June 11. I spent the day mainly in conversation with Christian
friends; and enjoyed a sweet sense of divine things. O how desirable it
is, to keep company with God’s children! These are the “excellent ones
of the earth, in whom,” I can truly say, “is all my delight.” O what
delight will it afford, to meet them all in a state of perfection! Lord,
prepare me for that state.
Tuesday, June 18. I set out from New-Brunswick with a design to visit
some Indians at a place called _Crosweeksung_ in New-Jersey, towards
the sea.¹ In the afternoon I came to _Cranberry_, and meeting with a
serious minister, lodged with him.
¹ Mr. Brainerd having, when at Boston, wrote and left with a
friend a brief _relation_ of his labours with the Indians,
during the space of time between November 5, 1744, and June
19, 1745, concludes with this passage: “As my body was very
feeble, so my mind was scarce ever so much discouraged about
the conversion of the Indians, as at this time. And in this
state of body and mind I made my first visit to the Indians
in New-Jersey.”
PART VII.
_From his first beginning to preach to the Indians at
Crosweeksung, till he returned from his last journey to
Susquahannah._
[WE are now come to that part of Mr. Brainerd’s life, wherein he
had his greatest _success_. After all his agonizing in prayer, and
travelling in birth, for the conversion of the Indians; and after
waiting in a way of persevering prayer, labour, and suffering, as
it were through a long _night_; at length the _day_ dawns: “Weeping
continues for a night, but joy comes in the morning. He went forth
weeping, bearing precious seed, and now he comes with rejoicing,
bringing his sheaves with him.” The desired event is brought to pass
at last; but at a time, and in a place, that scarce ever entered into
his heart. An account of this is here inserted, as it was drawn up by
Mr. Brainerd himself, pursuant to the order of the honourable society
in Scotland.]
Wednesday, June 19. Having spent most of my time for more than a
year past among the Indians in the Forks of Delaware in Pensylvania;
and having in that time made two journeys to Susquahannah river,
far back in that province, in order to treat with the Indians there,
respecting Christianity; and not having had any considerable success
in either of those places; upon hearing that there was a number of
Indians in a place called (by the Indians) Crosweeksung in New-Jersey,
near fourscore miles south-eastward from the Forks of Delaware, I
determined to make them a visit, and see what might be done towards the
Christianizing of them; and accordingly arrived among them this day.
I found very few persons at the place I visited, and perceived the
Indians in these parts were much scattered, there being not more than
two or three families in a place, and these small settlements, six, ten,
fifteen, twenty, and thirty miles, and some more, from the place I was
then at. However, I preached to those few who appeared well-disposed,
and, not inclined to cavil, as the Indians had frequently done
elsewhere.
When I had concluded my discourse, I informed them (there being none
but a few women and children) that I would willingly visit them again
the next day. Whereupon they readily set out, and travelled ten or
fifteen miles, in order to give notice to some of their friends at that
distance. These women, like the woman of Samaria, seemed desirous that
others might “see the man that told them, what they had done” in their
lives past, and the misery that attended their _idolatrous_ ways.
Thursday, June 20. Towards night, I preached to the Indians again;
and had more hearers than before. In the evening, I enjoyed peace and
serenity of mind, composure and comfort in prayer; and was enabled
to lift up my head with joy, under an apprehension that my redemption
draws nigh. Oh, blessed be God, that there remains a rest to his poor
weary people!
Friday, June 21. I was refreshed in secret prayer; but saw myself a
poor worthless creature, without wisdom to direct, or strength to help
myself. Blessed be God, that lays me under a happy necessity of living
upon himself!
Saturday, June 22. About noon, I rode to the Indians again; and
near night preached to about thirty of them. I found my body much
strengthened, and was enabled to speak with abundant plainness and
warmth. And the power of God evidently attended the word; so that
sundry persons were brought under great concern for their souls, and
made to shed many tears, and to wish for Christ to save them. My soul
was much refreshed, and quickened in my work; and I could not but spend
much time with them, in order to open both their misery and remedy.
While riding, before I came to the Indians, I was enabled to cry to
God almost incessantly. In the evening also I found the consolations
of God were not small: I was then willing to live, and in some respects
desirous of it, that I might do something for the kingdom of Christ;
and yet death appeared pleasant: so that, I was in a strait between two.
I am often weary of this world; but it is desirable to be drawn, rather
than driven out of it.
Lord’s day, June 23. I preached to the Indians and spent the day with
them.――――Their number still increased; and all with one consent seemed
to rejoice in my coming among them. Not a word of opposition was heard
from any, although in times past they had been quite opposite to any
thing of that nature.
June 24. I preached to the Indians at their desire, and upon their own
motion. To see poor Pagans desirous of hearing the gospel of Christ,
animated me to discourse to them, although I was very weak, and my
spirits much exhausted. They attended with the greatest seriousness and
diligence; and there was some concern apparent among them.
June 27. I visited and preached to the Indians again. Their number
now amounted to about _forty_ persons. Their solemn attention still
continued; and a considerable concern for their souls was apparent
among sundry of them.
Friday June 28. The Indians being now gathered, a considerable number
of them, from their several distant _habitations_, requested me to
preach twice a day to them, being desirous to hear as much as they
could while I was with them. I chearfully complied, and could not but
admire the goodness of God, who had inclined them to enquire after the
way of salvation.
Saturday, June 29. I preached twice to the Indians; and could
not but wonder at their seriousness, and the strictness of their
attention.――Blessed be God that has inclined their hearts to hear.
And O how refreshing it is to me, to see them attend with such uncommon
diligence and affection.
I likewise saw the hand of God making provision for their subsistence
together, in order to their being instructed. For this day and the
day before, with only walking a little way from the place of our daily
meeting, they killed _three deer_, which were a seasonable supply for
their wants, and without which, they could not have subsisted together
in order to attend the means of grace.
Lord’s-day, June 30. I preached twice this day also, and observed more
concern and affection among the poor Heathens than ever; so that they
even constrained me to tarry longer with them; although my constitution
was much impaired by the late fatigues and labours, and especially by
my late journey to Susquahannah.
July 1. I preached again twice to a very serious and attentive assembly,
who had now learned to attend the worship of God with _Christian
decency_.
There were now between _forty_ and _fifty_ persons of them present, old
and young.
I spent some time in discoursing with them in private, enquiring what
they remembered of the great truths that had been taught them. It was
amazing to see how they had retained the instructions given them, and
what knowledge some of them had acquired in a few days.
July 2. I was obliged to leave these Indians at Crosweeksung, thinking
it my duty, as soon as health would admit, to visit those at the Forks
of Delaware. When I came to take leave of them, they all earnestly
enquired when I would come again, and expressed a great desire of being
farther instructed: and of their own accord agreed, that when I should
come again, they would all meet and live together during my continuance
with them; and that they would do their utmost endeavours to gather all
the other Indians in these parts that were farther remote. And when I
parted, one told me with many tears, “She wished God would change her
heart,” another, that “She wanted to find Christ:” and an old man that
had been one of their _chiefs_, wept bitterly. I then promised them to
return as speedily as my health and business would admit, and felt not
a little concerned at parting, least good impressions might wear off.
Afterwards I rode to Brunswick, near forty miles, and lodged there. I
felt my heart drawn out after God in prayer almost all the afternoon:
and in the evening could not help crying to God for these poor Indians;
and after I went to bed, my heart continued to go out to God for them,
till I dropped asleep.
[He was now so beat out by constant preaching, that he found it
necessary to give himself some relaxation. He spent therefore about
a week in New-Jersey, visiting several ministers, and performing some
necessary business. On Friday, July 12. He arrived at his own house in
the Forks of Delaware; continuing still free from melancholy and from
day to day enjoying freedom and refreshment.]
Lord’s-day, July 14. I discoursed to the Indians twice, several of whom
appeared convinced of their sin and misery; so that they wept much the
whole time of divine service.
Thursday, July 18. I longed to spend the little inch of time I have
in the world for God: Felt a spirit of seriousness, tenderness, and
devotion, and wished to spend the whole night in prayer and communion
with God.
Friday, July 19. In the evening I walked abroad for prayer and
meditation, and enjoyed composure and freedom especially, in meditation
on Revelation iii. 12. “Him that overcometh, will I make a pillar
in the temple of my God.” Oh, when shall I _go no more out_ from the
service and enjoyment of the dear Lord! Lord, hasten the blessed day.
Lord’s-day, July 21. I preached to the Indians first, then to a number
of white people, and in the afternoon to the Indians again.――Divine
truths seemed to make very considerable impressions upon several of
them and caused tears to flow freely.
Afterwards I baptized my interpreter and his wife, the first I baptized
among the Indians.
They are both persons of some _experimental_ knowledge in religion;
have both been awakened to a solemn concern for their souls and brought
to a sense of their misery and undoneness; and have both been comforted
with divine consolations.
It may perhaps be satisfactory that I should give some relation of his
experience since he has been with me.
When I first employed him in the beginning of summer 1744, he was well
fitted for his work in regard of his acquaintance with the Indian and
English language; and in regard of his desire that the Indians should
conform to the customs and manners of the English. But he seemed to
have no impression of religion, and in that respect was very _unfit_
for his work, being uncapable of understanding and communicating
to others many things of importance; so that I laboured under great
disadvantages in addressing the Indians, for want of his having an
experimental acquaintance with divine truths; and, at times I was
much discouraged, when I observed that divine truths made little or
no impression upon him for many _weeks_ together.
He indeed behaved soberly, (although before he had been a hard drinker)
and seemed honestly engaged as far he was capable in the performance of
his work, and especially he was very desirous that the Indians should
conform to the customs of the Christian world. But still seemed to have
no concern about his own soul.
Near the latter end of July 1744, I preached to an assembly of white
people, with freedom and fervency: at which time he was present, and
was somewhat awakened; so that the next day he discoursed freely with
me and gave me an opportunity to fasten the impressions upon his mind:
and I could plainly perceive after this, that he addressed the Indians
with more concern and fervency.
But these impressions seemed to decline, till in the fall of the year
following he fell into a weak state of body. At this season divine
truth took hold of him and made deep impressions upon his mind. He was
under great concern for his soul, and was burdened from day to day.
At length his sleep departed from him, and he had little rest day or
night; but walked about under great pressure of mind, and appeared like
another man to his neighbours who could not but observe his behaviour
with wonder.
After he had been sometime striving for mercy, he says, there seemed to
be an impassable mountain before him. He was pressing towards heaven,
but “his way was hedged up with thorns, that he could not stir an inch
farther.” He looked this way and that way, but could find no way at all.
He felt it signified just nothing at all to strive and struggle any
more. And here he says, he gave over striving, and felt that it was a
gone case with him, and that all his attempts were, and for ever would
be vain and fruitless.
He knew, he said, he was not guilty of such actions as others were
guilty of. He had not been used to steal, quarrel, and murder; which is
common among the Indians. He likewise knew that he had done many things
that were right. But still his cry was, “that he had never done one
good thing,” (meaning that he had never done any thing from a right
_principle_, though he had done many things that were _materially_
good.) And now I thought, said he, that I must sink down to hell, that
there was no hope for me, “because I never could do any thing that was
good;” and if God let me alone never so long, still I should do nothing
but what is bad.
There was one thing more in his view of things that was very remarkable.
He not only saw, what a miserable state he himself was in, but he saw
the world around him were in the same perishing circumstances. And this
he saw clearly, “as if he was now awaked out of sleep, or had a cloud
taken from before his eyes.” He saw that the life he had lived was the
way to eternal death, that he was now on the brink of endless misery:
and when he looked round he saw multitudes of others who had lived the
same life with himself, had no more goodness than he, and yet dreamed
that they were safe enough, as he had formerly done.
*After he had been some time in this condition, sensible of the
impossibility of helping himself; he says, it was borne in upon his
mind as if it had been audibly spoken, “There is hope, there is hope.”
Whereupon his soul seemed to be in some measure satisfied, though he
had no considerable joy; neither can he remember distinctly any views
he had of Christ, or give any clear account of his acceptance through
him.
But this was followed by a great change, so that it might justly be
said, he was become _another man_. Even the world could not but admire
what had befallen him, to make so great a change in his temper,
discourse, and behaviour.―――
And especially there was a surprising alteration in his public
performances. He now addressed the Indians with admirable fervency, and
scarce knew when to leave off: and sometimes when I had concluded my
discourse, and was returning homeward, he would tarry behind to repeat
and inculcate what had been spoken.
His change is _abiding_, and his life _unblemished_ to this day, though
it is now more than six months since he experienced it; in which space
he has been as much exposed to _strong drink_, as possible, in divers
places; and yet has never discovered any desire after it.
*And upon strict observation of his Christian temper, and unblemished
behaviour for so considerable a time, I think I have reason to hope
that he is “created anew in Christ Jesus to good works.”
His name is Moses Tinda Tautamy; he is about fifty years of age, and
pretty well acquainted with the notions and customs of his countrymen,
and so is the better able to expose them. He has already been, and I
trust will yet be a blessing to other Indians.
Friday, July 26. In the evening, God was pleased to help me in
prayer, beyond what I have experienced for some time; especially
for the conversion of my poor people: my soul relied on God for the
accomplishment of that great work. Oh, how sweet were the thoughts
of death to me at this time! How I longed to be with Christ, to be
employed in the glorious work of angels, and with an angel’s freedom,
vigour, and delight! And yet how willing was I to stay awhile on earth,
that I might do something, if the Lord pleased for his interest. My
soul longed for the ingathering of the poor Heathen; and I cried to God
for them most willingly and heartily. This was a sweet season; I had
a lively taste of heaven, and a temper suited in some measure to the
entertainment of it. My soul was grieved to leave the place; but my
body was weak and worn out. I longed that the remaining part of my life
might be filled up with more fervency and activity in the things of
God! Oh the inward peace, composure, and God-like serenity of such a
frame! Heaven must needs differ from this only in degree, and not in
kind.
Lord’s-day, July 28. I preached again, and perceived my people more
thoughtful than ever. I was told by some, that seeing my interpreter
and his wife baptized made them more concerned than any thing they
had ever seen or heard. There was indeed a considerable appearance of
divine power among them at the time.
July 30. I discoursed to a number of my people, and gave them
particular advice, being about to leave them for the present, in
order to visit the Indians in New-Jersey. They were very attentive,
and earnestly desirous to know when I designed to return.
[On Wednesday, July 31. He set out on his return to Crosweeksung, and
arrived there the next day. In his way he had longing desires that he
might come to the Indians in the “fulness of the blessing of the gospel
of Christ;” attended with a sense of his own great weakness, dependence
and worthlessness.]
Friday, August 2. In the evening I retired, and my soul was drawn out
in prayer to God; especially for my poor people, to whom I had sent
word to gather together, that I might preach to them the next day.
I was much enlarged in praying for their conversion; and scarce ever
found my desires of it so sensibly and clearly free from selfish views.
I had no desire to be the instrument of so glorious a work; if it might
be accomplished to the honour of God, this was all my care; and for
this I hoped, but with trembling. My rising hopes, have been so often
dashed, that my spirit is broken, and I hardly dare hope.
Saturday, August 3. I now found them serious, and a number of them
under deep concern for an interest in Christ: their convictions of
their sinful and perishing state having, in my absence been much
promoted by the labours of Mr. William Tennent, to whom I advised them
to apply, and whose house they had frequented much.――I preached to them
this day on Revelation xxii. 17. “And whosoever will, let him take the
water of life freely.”
The Lord enabled me to set before them the Lord Jesus Christ as a kind
and compassionate Saviour, inviting distressed and perishing sinners
to accept everlasting mercy. And a surprising concern soon appeared
among them. There were about twenty adult persons together, (many of
the Indians at remote places, not having as yet had time to come since
my return.) and not above two that I could see with dry eyes. Some
discovered vehement longings after Christ, to save them from the misery
they felt and feared.
Lord’s-day, August 4. Being invited by a neighbouring minister to
assist in the administration of the Lord’s-supper, I complied with his
request, and took the Indians along with me; not only those that were
together the day before, but many more that were coming to hear me; so
that there were near fifty in all.
_Now_ a change in their manners began to appear. In the evening when
they came to sup together, they would not taste a morsel till they
had sent to me to come and ask a blessing on their food; at which time
sundry of them wept, especially when I minded them how they had in
times past eat their feasts in _honour_ to _devils_, and neglected to
thank God for them.
August 5. After a sermon had been preached by another minister, I
preached, and concluded the public work of the solemnity from John
vii. 37. In my discourse I addressed the Indians in particular, who
sat by themselves in a part of the house; at which time one or two
of them were struck with deep concern, who had been little affected
before: others had their concern increased to a considerable degree.
In the evening I discoursed to them, and found them universally
engaged, inquiring, “What they should do to be saved?” And all their
conversation among themselves turned upon _religious_ matters, in which
they were much assisted by my interpreter, who was with them day and
night.
*This day there was one woman, that had been much concerned ever since
she heard me preach in June, who obtained comfort, I trust solid and
well grounded: she seemed to be filled with love to Christ, at the same
time she behaved humbly and tenderly, and appeared afraid of nothing so
much as of grieving him whom her soul loved.
August 6. In the morning I discoursed to the Indians at the house where
we lodged: many of them were then much affected, so that a few words
about their souls would cause the tears to flow freely, and produce
many sobs and groans.――――
*In the afternoon, they being returned to the place where I have
usually preached among them, I again discoursed to them there. There
were about fifty-five persons in all, about forty that were capable
of attending divine service with understanding: I insisted upon 1 John
iv. 10. “Herein is love,” &c. They seemed eager of hearing; but there
appeared nothing very remarkable, till near the close of my discourse;
and then divine truths were attended with a surprising influence.
There was scarce _three_ in _forty_ that could refrain from tears and
bitter cries. They all as one, seemed in an agony of soul to obtain
an interest in Christ; and the more I discoursed of the love of God in
sending his Son to suffer for the sins of men; and the more I invited
them to come and partake of his love, the more their distress was
aggravated.
It was surprising to see how their hearts were pierced with the tender
invitations of the gospel, when there was not a word of terror spoken
to them.
*There were this day two persons that obtained comfort, which appeared
solid, rational, and scriptural. After I had enquired into the grounds
of their comfort, I asked what they wanted God to do further for them?
They replied, “They wanted Christ should wipe their hearts quite clean.”
*August 7. I preached to the Indians from Isaiah liii. 3‒10. There
was a remarkable influence attending the word. Most were much affected,
and many in great distress; and some could neither go nor stand, but
lay flat on the ground, as if pierced at heart, crying incessantly for
mercy: several were newly awakened, and it was remarkable, that as fast
as they came from remote places round about, the Spirit of God seemed
to seize them.
After public service I found two persons more that had newly met with
comfort, of whom I had good hopes; and a third that I could not but
entertain some hopes of, so that here were now six in all that had got
some relief from their spiritual distresses, and five whose experience
appeared clear and satisfactory.
August 8. In the afternoon I preached to the Indians, their number was
now about sixty-five persons, men, women, and children. I discoursed
from Luke xiv. 16‒23, and was favoured with _uncommon_ freedom.
There was much concern among them while I was discoursing publicly; but
afterwards when I spoke to one and another more particularly, the power
of God seemed to descend upon the assembly “like a rushing mighty wind,”
and with an astonishing energy bore down all before it.
*I stood amazed at the influence that seized the audience almost
universally, and could compare it to nothing more aptly than a mighty
torrent, that bears down and sweeps before it whatever is in its way.
Almost all persons of all ages were bowed down together, and scarce
one was able to withstand the _shock_ of this surprising operation.
Old men and women, who had been drunken wretches for many years, and
some little children, not more than six or seven years of age, appeared
in distress for their souls, as well as persons of middle age. And it
was apparent these children were not _merely_ frighted with seeing the
general concern; but were made sensible of their danger, the badness of
their hearts, and their misery without Christ. The most stubborn hearts
were now obliged to bow. A principal man among the Indians, who before
thought his state good, because he knew more than the generality of
the Indians, and who with great confidence the day before, told me, “he
had been a Christian more than ten years,” was now brought under solemn
concern for his soul, and wept bitterly. Another man considerable in
years, who had been a _murderer_, a _powwow_, and a notorious drunkard,
was likewise brought now to cry for mercy with many tears, and to
complain much that he could be no more concerned when he saw his danger
so great.
*They were almost universally praying and crying for mercy in every
part of the house, and many out of doors, and numbers could neither
go nor stand: their concern was so great, each for himself, that none
seemed to take any notice of those about them, but each prayed for
themselves; and were, to their own apprehension, as much retired as
if every one had been by himself in a desert, or, rather, they thought
nothing about _any_ but themselves, and so were every one praying
_apart_, although all _together_.
It seemed to me there was now an exact fulfilment of that prophecy,
Zechariah xii. 10, 11, 12. for there was now “a great mourning, like
the mourning of Hadadrimmon;”――and each seemed to “mourn apart.”
Methought this had a near resemblance to the day of God’s power,
mentioned Joshua x. 14. for I must say, I never saw _any day like it_
in all respects; it was a day wherein the Lord did much destroy the
kingdom of darkness among this people.
This concern was most rational and just; those who had been awakened
any considerable time, complained especially of the badness of their
_hearts_; those newly awakened, of the badness of their _lives_ and
_actions_; and all were afraid of the anger of God, and of everlasting
misery as the desert of their sins.
Some of the _white_ people, who came out of curiosity to “hear what
this babbler would say” to the poor ignorant Indians, were much
awakened, and appeared to be wounded with a view of their perishing
state.
Those who lately obtained relief, were filled with comfort; they
appeared calm and rejoiced in Christ Jesus; and some of them took their
distressed friends by the hand, telling them of the goodness of Christ,
and the comfort that is to be enjoyed in him, and invited them to come
and give up their hearts to him. And I could observe some of them,
in the most unaffected manner, lifting up their eyes to heaven, as if
crying for mercy, while they saw the distress of the poor souls around
them.
*There was one remarkable instance this day, that I cannot but take
particular notice of. A young Indian woman, who, I believe, never knew
before she had a soul, hearing that there was something strange among
the Indians, came (it seems) to see what was the matter. I had not
proceeded far in my discourse, before she felt _effectually_ that she
had a soul: and before I had concluded, was so convinced of her sin and
misery, and so distressed with concern for her soul, that she seemed
like one pierced through with a dart, and cried out incessantly. She
could neither go nor stand, nor sit on her seat without being held
up. After public service was over, she lay flat on the ground praying
earnestly, and would take no notice of, nor give any answer to any
that spoke to her, I hearkened to hear what she said, and perceived the
burden of her prayer to be, _Guttummaukalummeh wechaumeh kmeleh Ndah_,
i. e. “Have mercy on me, and help me to give you my heart.” And thus
she continued praying incessantly for many hours.
August 9. I spent almost the whole day with the Indians, the former
part of it in discoursing with them privately, especially some who
lately received comfort, and endeavouring to inquire into the grounds
of it, as well as to give them some proper instructions, cautions, and
directions.
In the afternoon I discoursed to them publickly. There were now present
about seventy persons. I opened and applied the parable of the sower,
and was enabled to discourse with much plainness. There were many tears
among them while I was discoursing, but no considerable cry: yet some
were much affected with a few words spoken from Matthew xi. 28. with
which I concluded. But while I was discoursing near night to two or
three of the awakened persons, a divine influence seemed to attend what
was spoken, which caused the persons to cry out in anguish of soul,
although I spoke not a word of terror; but, on the contrary, set before
them the fulness of Christ’s merits, and his willingness to save all
that came to him.
*The cry of these was heard by others, who, though scattered before,
immediately gathered round. I then proceeded in the same strain of
gospel invitation, till they were all melted into tears and cries,
except two or three; and seemed in the greatest distress to find and
secure an interest in the great Redeemer.――Some who had but little
more than a _ruffle_ made in their _passions_ the day before, seemed
now to be deeply affected: and the concern in general appeared near as
prevalent as the day before. There was indeed a very _great mourning_
among them and yet every one seemed to _mourn apart_. For so great was
their concern, that almost every one was praying and crying for himself,
as if none had been near, _Guttummaukalummeh, guttummaukalummeh_, i. e.
“Have mercy upon me, have mercy upon me;” was the common cry.
It was very affecting to see the poor Indians, who the other day were
yelling in their _idolatrous_ feasts, now crying to God with such
importunity, for an interest in his dear Son!
I found two or three who I hope had taken comfort upon good grounds
since the evening before; and these, with others that had obtained
comfort, were together, and seemed to rejoice much that God was
carrying on his work with such power upon others.
August 10. I began to discourse privately with those who had obtained
comfort: endeavouring to instruct, direct, caution, and comfort them.
But others being eager of hearing every word that related to spiritual
concerns, soon came together one after another: and when I had
discoursed to the _young converts_ more than half an hour, they seemed
much melted with divine things, and earnestly desirous to be with
Christ.
When I had spent some time with these, I turned to the other Indians,
and spoke to them from Luke xix. 10. I had not discoursed long before
their concern rose to a great degree, and the house was filled with
cries and groans. And when I insisted on the compassion and care of the
Lord Jesus Christ for _those that were lost_, and could find no way of
escape, this melted them down the more, and aggravated their distress,
that they could not come to so kind a Saviour.
Sundry persons, who before had been but slightly awakened, were
now deeply wounded. And one man in particular, who was never before
awakened, was now made to feel, that “the word of the Lord was quick
and powerful, sharper than any two-edged sword.” He seemed to be
pierced to the heart, and said, “all the wickedness of his past life
was brought fresh to his remembrance, and he saw all the vile actions
he had done formerly, as if done but yesterday.”
I found one that had newly received comfort, after pressing distress.
I could not but admire the divine goodness. There seems to be some
good done by every discourse, some newly awakened every day, and some
comforted.
Lord’s-day, August 11. I discoursed upon part of St. Peter’s sermon,
Acts ii. and at the close of my discourse to the Indians, made an
address to the _white_ people, and divine truths seemed to be attended
with power both to the English and Indians. Several of the _white
Heathen_ were awakened, and could no longer be idle spectators, but
found they had souls to save as well as the Indians, and a great
concern spread through the whole assembly, so that this also appeared
to be a day of God’s power.
The number of the Indians, old and young, was now upwards of seventy,
and one or two were newly awakened this day, who never appeared to be
moved before.
Those that had obtained comfort, and had given evidences, of a saving
change, appeared humble and devout, and behaved in an agreeable and
Christian manner. I was refreshed to see the tenderness of conscience
manifest in some of them. *Perceiving one of them very sorrowful in
the morning, I enquired into the cause of her sorrow, and found she
had been angry with her child the evening before, and was in fear lest
her anger had been inordinate, which so grieved her, that she waked and
began to sob before daylight, and continued weeping for several hours
together.
August 14. I spent the day with the Indians. There was one of them
who had some time since put away his wife, (as is common among them)
and taken another woman, and being now brought under some serious
impressions, was earnestly desirous to know what God would have him do.
When the law of God respecting _marriage_ had been opened to them, and
the cause of his leaving his wife enquired into; and when it appeared
she had given him no just occasion by _unchastity_ to desert her, and
that she was willing to forgive his past misconduct, he was then told,
that it was his indispensable duty to renounce the woman he had last
taken, and receive the other who was his proper wife; with which he
chearfully complied, and thereupon publicly renounced the woman he
had last taken, and publicly promised to live with his wife during
life.――――And here appeared a clear demonstration of the power of God’s
word upon their hearts. A few weeks before the whole world could not
have persuaded him to a compliance with Christian rules in this affair.
August 15. I preached from Luke iv. 16‒21. The word was attended with
power upon the hearts of the hearers. There was much concern, many
tears, and affecting cries among them, and some were deeply wounded.
There were some newly awakened, and convictions seemed to be promoted
in others.――Those that had received comfort, were likewise refreshed
and strengthened, and the work of grace appeared to advance in all
respects.
August 16. I spent a considerable time in conversing privately with
sundry of the Indians. I found one that had comfort, after pressing
concern, and could not but hope, when I discoursed with her, that her
comfort was of the right kind.
In the afternoon toward the close of my discourse, divine truths were
attended with considerable power upon the audience, and more especially
after public service was over, when I particularly addressed the
distressed persons.
There was a great concern for their souls spread generally among them:
but especially there were two persons newly awakened, one of whom was
lately come, and the other had all along been very attentive, but could
never before have any lively view of her perishing state. But now her
spiritual distress was such, that I had never seen _any_ more pressing.
Sundry _old_ men were also in distress for their souls; so that they
could not refrain from weeping and crying out aloud, and their bitter
groans were the most convincing, as well as affecting evidence of
the depth of their inward anguish.――God is powerfully at work among
them! True and genuine convictions of sin are daily promoted in many
instances, and some are newly awakened from time to time.
August 17. I spent much time in private conferences with the Indians.
I found one who had newly obtained comfort, after a long season of
spiritual distress, (he was one of my hearers in the Forks of Delaware
for more than a year, and now followed me hither under deep concern)
and I had abundant reason to hope that his comfort was well grounded.
Friday, August 23. I spent some time with the Indians in private
discourse; and afterwards preached. Several appeared deeply concerned
for their souls, and could not but express their inward anguish by
tears and cries. But the amazing influence that has been so powerfully
among them, seems, at present in some degree abated.
August 24. I spent the forenoon in discoursing to some of the Indians,
in order to their receiving the ordinance of _baptism_. When I had
opened the nature of the ordinance, the obligations attending it, the
duty of devoting ourselves to God in it, and the privilege of being _in
covenant_ with him, sundry of them seemed to be filled with love to God,
and delighted with the thoughts of giving up themselves to him in that
solemn and public manner.
Afterwards I discoursed publicly from 1 Thessalonians iv. 13‒17. There
was a solemn attention, and visible concern in the time of public
service, which was afterwards increased by some further exhortation
given them to come to Christ, and give up their hearts to him, that
they might be fitted to “ascend up and meet him in the air.”
There were several Indians newly come, who thought their state good,
because they had lived with the _white people_, although they were
altogether unacquainted with the power of religion.
With those I discoursed particularly after public worship, and was
surprized to see their self-righteous disposition, and the high value
they put upon their supposed attainments. Yet after much discourse,
one appeared convinced, that “by the deeds of the law no flesh living
should be justified,” and wept bitterly, inquiring, “what he must do to
be saved?”
Lord’s-day, August 25. I preached in the forenoon from Luke xv. 3‒7.
There being a multitude of _white_ people present, I made an address to
them at the close of my discourse: but could not so much as keep them
orderly; for scores of them kept walking and gazing about, and behaved
more indecently than _any Indians_ I ever addressed.
Afterwards I baptized _twenty-five_ persons of the Indians, fifteen
adults, and ten children. Most of the adults I have reason to hope are
renewed persons: only the case of two or three appeared more doubtful.
After the croud of spectators was gone, I called the baptized persons
together, and discoursed to them in particular, minded them of the
solemn obligations they were now under to live to God, and encouraged
them to watchfulness and devotion, by setting before them the _comfort_
and happy _conclusion_ of a religious life.――This was a sweet season!
Their hearts were engaged and chearful in duty, and they rejoiced
that they had in a public and solemn manner dedicated themselves to
God.――Love seemed to reign among them! They took each other by the hand
with tenderness and affection, as if their hearts were knit together,
while I was discoursing to them: and all their deportment towards each
other was such, that a _serious spectator_ might justly be excited to
cry out with admiration, “Behold how they love one another!” Sundry
of the other Indians at seeing and hearing these things, were much
affected and wept bitterly, longing to be partakers of the same comfort
that these discovered by their countenances as well as conduct.
Monday, August 26. I preached from John vi. 51‒55. After I had
discoursed some time, I addressed those in particular who entertained
hopes that they were “passed from death to life.” I opened to them the
nature of those consolations Christ gives his people, shewed them that
such have already the “beginnings of eternal life,” (verse 54.) and
that their _heaven_ shall be speedily completed.
I no sooner begun to discourse, but the _Christians_ in the
congregation began to be melted with affection to, and desire of
the enjoyment of Christ, and of a state of perfect purity. They
wept affectionately and yet joyfully, and their tears and sobs
discovered _brokenness_ of heart, and yet were attended with _comfort_
and _sweetness_; so that this was a tender, affectionate, humble,
delightful, melting, and appeared to be the genuine effect of the
spirit of _adoption_. The influence spread from these through the whole
assembly, and there quickly appeared a wonderful concern among them.
Many who had not yet found Christ, were surprisingly engaged in seeking
him. Their number was now about _ninety-five_ persons, and almost all
affected either with _joy_ in Christ, or with the _utmost concern_ to
obtain an interest in him.
Being convinced it was now my duty to take a journey to the Indians
on Susquahannah river, after having spent some hours in public and
private discourses with my people, I told them that I must leave them
for the present, and go to their _brethren_ far remote, and preach to
them; that I wanted the spirit of God should go with me, without whom
nothing could be done to any good purpose, as they themselves had
had an opportunity to see: and asked them if they would not spend the
remainder of the day in prayer for me, that God would go with me, and
succeed my endeavours. *They chearfully complied, and soon after I left
them (the sun being then about an hour and half high) they began and
continued praying all night till break of day, never mistrusting (they
told me) till they went and saw the morning star a considerable height,
that it was later than common bed time.
This day an _old_ Indian, who has all his days been an obstinate
_idolater_, was brought to give up his _rattles_ (which they use for
music in their _idolatrous_ feasts and dances) to the other Indians,
who quickly destroyed them; and this without an attempt of mine in the
affair, so that it was nothing but the power of God’s word, without any
particular application to this sin, that produced this effect. Thus God
has begun, thus he has hitherto carried on a work of grace among these
Indians. May the glory be ascribed to him, who is the sole author of it!
[The next day he set out on a journey towards the forks of Delaware,
designing to go from thence to Susquahannah, before he returned to
Crosweeksung. It was five days from his departure from Crosweeksung,
before he reached the forks, going round by the way of Philadelphia,
and waiting on the governor of Pensylvania, to get a recommendation
from him to the chiefs of the Indians.]
_Forks of Delaware._
Lord’s-day, September 1. I preached to the Indians here, from Luke
xiv. 16‒23.
Afterwards I preached to a number of _white_ people, and observed
many of them in tears, and some who had been formerly as careless and
unconcerned about religion as the Indians.
Towards night I discoursed to the Indians again and perceived a greater
attention, and more visible concern among them, than has been usual in
_these parts_.
September 3. I preached to the Indians from Isaiah liii. 3‒6. The
divine presence seemed to be in the midst of the assembly, and a
considerable concern spread among them. Sundry persons seemed to be
awakened, among whom were two stupid creatures, that I could scarce
ever before ♦keep awake while I was discoursing to them.
♦ “awake” replaced with “keep awake” per Errata
Wednesday, September 4. I rode 15 miles to an Irish settlement, and
preached there from Luke xiv. 22. “and yet there is room.” God was
pleased to afford me some tenderness and enlargement in the first
prayer, and much freedom, as well as warmth in the sermon. There were
many tears in the assembly: the people of God seemed to melt, and
others to be in some measure awakened. Blessed be the Lord, that lets
me see his work going on in one place and another.
September 5. I discoursed to the Indians from the parable of the
sower, and afterwards conversed particularly with sundry persons, which
occasioned them to weep, and even to cry out in an affecting manner,
and seized others with surprise and concern. Several of these had
been with me to Crosweeksung, and some of them felt the power of God’s
word. I asked one of them why he cried? He replied, “When he thought
how Christ was slain like a lamb and spilt his blood for sinners, he
could not help crying:” and thereupon burst into tears and cries again.
I then asked his wife, who likewise had been abundantly comforted,
wherefore she cried? She answered, “She was grieved that the Indians
here would not come to Christ, as well as those at Crosweeksung.” I
asked her if she found a heart to pray for them, and whether Christ had
been near to her of late in prayer, as in time past? (which is my usual
method of expressing a sense of the divine presence.) She replied,
“Yes, he had been near to her; and that at sometimes when she had been
praying alone, her heart loved to pray so, that she could not bear to
leave the place, but wanted to stay and pray longer.”
Lord’s-day, September 8. I discoursed to the Indians, forenoon and
afternoon. The word of God seemed to fall with _weight_ and influence
upon them. There were but few present, but most that were, were in
tears, and sundry cried out under distressing concern for their souls.
There was one man awakened, who never before discovered any concern for
his soul. There appeared a remarkable work of the Spirit, not unlike
what had been at Crosweeksung. It seemed as if the divine influence had
spread from thence to this place.
Sundry of the careless white people now present were startled seeing
the power of God so prevalent among the Indians. I then made a
particular address to them, which seemed to make some impression upon
them.
In the evening God was pleased to enlarge me in prayer, and give me
freedom at the throne of grace; I cried to God for the enlargement
of his kingdom, particularly among my dear people: and for many dear
ministers of my acquaintance, both in these parts and in New-England.
And my soul was so engaged in that sweet exercise, that I knew not how
to leave the mercy seat. I saw God was both able and willing to do all
that I desired. And when I was going to bed, God helped me to renew my
petitions with ardency and freedom.
Monday, September 9. I left the Forks of Delaware, and set out for
Susquahannah-river, directing my course towards the Indian-town more
than an hundred and twenty miles westward from the Forks.
September 13. After having lodged out three nights ♦I came to the
Indian-town on Susquahannah called Shaumoking, (one of the places I
visited in May last,) and was kindly received by the Indians; but had
little satisfaction by reason of the heathenish dance they held in the
house where I was obliged to lodge, which I could not suppress, though
I often intreated them to desist, for the sake of one who was sick in
the house.
♦ “at” replaced with “I came to” per Errata
This town lies partly on the east side of the river, partly on the
west, and partly on a large island in it, and contains upwards of fifty
houses, and near three hundred persons: but of three different tribes,
speaking three languages wholly _unintelligible_ to each other. About
one half of its inhabitants are Delawares, the others called Senakas,
and Tutelas. The Indians of this place are counted the most drunken,
mischievous, and ruffianly _fellows_ of any in these parts; and _Satan_
seems to have his _seat_ in this _town_ in an eminent manner.
Saturday, September 14. I visited the Delaware king, (who was supposed
to be at the point of death when I was here in May, but was now
recovered,) discoursed with him and others respecting Christianity,
and had more encouragement than I expected. The _king_ appeared
willing to be instructed; this gave me some hope, that God would
open an _effectual door_ for my preaching the gospel here. This was
a refreshment to me in the wilderness, and rendered my _solitary_
circumstances comfortable.
*In the evening my soul was enlarged in prayer; especially, that God
would set up his kingdom in this place. My soul cried, “Lord, set up
thy kingdom, for thine own glory. Glorify thyself; and I shall rejoice.
Get honour to thy blessed name; and this is all I desire. Do with
me just what thou wilt. Blessed be thy name for ever, that thou art
God, and that thou wilt glorify thyself. O that the whole world might
glorify thee! O let these poor people be brought to know thee, and love
thee, for the glory of thy ever-blessed name!”
Lord’s-day, September 15. I visited the _chief_ of the Delawares again;
and discoursed to the Indians in the afternoon. I still hoped that God
would open their hearts to receive the gospel, though many of them were
so drunk from day to day, that I could get no opportunity to speak to
them.
September 16. I spent the forenoon with the Indians, endeavouring to
instruct them from house to house, and to engage them, to be friendly
to Christianity.
Towards night I went to a part of the town where they were _sober_,
and got together near fifty persons of them.――There was a surprising
attention among them, and they manifested a desire of being further
instructed. There was also one or two that seemed to be touched,
and appeared pleased with some conversation in private, after I had
concluded my public discourse.
My spirits were much refreshed, and I could not but return with my
interpreter (having no _other companion_ in this journey) to my poor
hard lodgings, rejoicing in hopes that God designed to set up his
kingdom here, and found uncommon freedom in addressing the throne of
grace for the accomplishment of so glorious a work.
September 17. I spent the forenoon in discoursing to the Indians. About
noon I left Shaumoking, (most of the Indians going out this day to
hunt,) and travelled down the river south-westward.
September 19. I visited an Indian town called _Juneauta_, situate on
an island in Susquahannah. I was much discouraged with the behaviour of
the Indians here. Although they appeared friendly when I was with them
last spring; yet they now seemed resolved to retain their Pagan notions,
and persist in their _idolatrous_ practices.
September 20. I visited the Indians again at Juneauta island, and found
them busy in making preparations for a great _sacrifice_ and _dance_.
So I had no opportunity to get them together in order to discourse
about Christianity. My spirits were much sunk, especially seeing I had
now no interpreter but a Pagan, who was as much attached to _idolatry_
as any of them. However, I discoursed privately with some of them, but
without any appearance of success.
In the evening they met together, near an hundred of them, and danced
round a large fire, having prepared ten fat deer for the _sacrifice_.
The fat of the inwards they burnt in the fire while they were dancing,
and sometimes raised the flame to a prodigious height, at the same time
yelling and shouting in such a manner, that they might have been heard
two miles or more.
They continued their _sacred dance_ all night; after which they eat the
_flesh_ of the _sacrifice_, and retired each to his lodging.
I enjoyed little satisfaction this night, being entirely alone on the
island, (as to any Christian company,) and having walked to and fro’
till body and mind were much oppressed, I at length crept into a little
crib made for corn, and there slept on the poles.
*Lord’s-day, September 21. I spent the day with the Indians on the
island. As soon as they were up, I attempted to instruct them, and
laboured to get them together, but quickly found they had something
else to do; for they gathered together all their _powwows_, (or
conjurers,) and set about half a dozen of them to playing their tricks,
and acting their frantic postures, in order to find out why they
were so sickly, numbers of them being at that time disordered with a
_fever_, and bloody _flux_. In this they were engaged for several hours,
making all the wild distracted motions imaginable: sometimes singing;
sometimes howling; sometimes extending their hands to the utmost
stretch, spreading all their fingers, and seemed to push with them,
as if they designed to fright something away, or at least keep it off
at arms-end; sometimes stroking their faces with their hands, then
spurting water as fine as mist; sometimes sitting flat on the earth,
then bowing down their faces to the ground; wringing their sides, as
if in pain and anguish: twisting their faces, turning up their eyes,
grunting, or puffing.
*Their monstrous actions seemed to have something in them peculiarly
suited to raise the devil, if he could be raised by any thing odd
and frightful. Some of them were much more fervent in the business
than others, and seemed to _chant_, _peep_, and _mutter_ with a great
degree of warmth and vigour. I sat about thirty feet from them, (though
undiscovered) with my bible in my hand, resolving, if possible, to
spoil their sport, and prevent their receiving any answers from the
_infernal_ world. They continued their hideous charms for more than
three hours, until they had all wearied themselves out, although
they had taken sundry intervals of rest: and at length broke up, I
apprehended, without receiving any answer.
After they had done powwowing, I attempted to discourse with them about
Christianity; but they soon scattered, and gave no opportunity. A view
of these things, while I was destitute of the society of any one that
so much as “named the name of Christ,” greatly sunk my spirits, so that
I had no heart nor power to make any further attempts among them.
The Indians of this island many of them understand English, having
formerly lived in Maryland near the white people, but are very vicious,
drunken, and profane, although not so _savage_ as those who have less
acquaintance with the English. Their method of _charming_ over the sick,
seems somewhat different from that of other Indians: and the whole
of it perhaps is an imitation of what seems, by Naaman’s expression,
2 Kings v. 11. to have been the custom of the ancient Heathens. For
it seems chiefly to consist in their “striking their hands over the
diseased,” repeatedly stroking of them, “and calling upon their gods,”
excepting the spurting of water, and some other frantic ceremonies
common to the other _conjurations_.
*When I was in these parts in May last, I had an opportunity of
learning many of the customs of the Indians: I then travelling more
than an hundred and thirty miles upon the river above the English
settlements; and had in that journey a view of persons of _seven_ or
_eight_ distinct tribes, speaking so many different languages. But of
all the sights I ever saw among them, none appeared so near a-kin to
what is usually imagined of _infernal powers_, as the appearance of
one who was a devout and zealous reformer, or rather restorer, of
what he supposed was the ancient religion of the Indians. He made his
appearance in his _♦pontifical garb_, which was a coat of _bear skins_,
dressed with the hair on, and hanging down to his toes, a pair of
bear-skin stockings, and a great _wooden_ face, painted the one half
black and the other tawny, about the colour of an Indian’s skin,
with an extravagant mouth, cut very much awry; the face fastened to
a bear-skin cap, which was drawn over his head. He advanced toward
me with the instrument in his hand that he used for music in his
_idolatrous worship_ which was a dry _tortoise-shell_, with some
corn in it, and the neck of it drawn on a piece of wood, which made a
very convenient handle. As he came forward, he beat his tune with the
_rattle_, and danced with all his might, but did not suffer any part of
his body, not so much as his fingers, to be seen: and no man would have
guessed, by his appearance, that he could have been a human creature.
When he came near me, I could not but shrink away from him, although it
was then noon day, and I knew who it was. He had a house consecrated to
religious uses, with divers images cut out upon the several parts of it;
I went in and found the ground beat almost as hard as a rock with their
frequent dancing.――I discoursed with him about Christianity, and some
of my discourse he seemed to like, but some of it he disliked entirely.
He told me that God had taught him his religion, and that he never
would turn from it, but wanted to find some that would join heartily
with him in it; for the Indians, he said, were grown very degenerate.
He had thoughts, he said, of leaving all his friends, and travelling
abroad, in order to find some that would join with him; for he believed
God had some good people some where, that felt as he did. He had not
always, he said, felt as he now did, but had _formerly_ been like the
rest of the Indians, until about four or five years ago: then, he said,
his heart was very much distressed, so that he could not live among the
Indians, but got away into the woods, and lived alone for some months.
At length, he says, God shewed him what he should do; and since that
time he had known God, and tried to serve him; and loved all men, be
they who they would, so as he never did before.――He treated me with
uncommon courtesy, and seemed to be hearty in it.――――And I was told by
the Indians, that he opposed their drinking strong liquor with all his
power; and if at any time he could not dissuade them from it, he would
leave them, and go crying into the woods. It was manifest he had a set
of religious notions that he had looked into _for himself_, and not
taken for _granted_ upon bare tradition; and he relished or disrelished
whatever was spoken of a religious nature, according as it either
agreed or disagreed with _his standard_. And while I was discoursing he
would sometimes say, “Now that I like: so God has taught me.” And some
of his sentiments seemed very just. Yet he utterly denied the being
of a _devil_, and declared there was no such creature known among the
Indians of old times. He likewise told me, that departed souls all went
southward, and that the difference between the good and bad was this,
that the _former_ were admitted into a beautiful town with _spiritual_
walls, or walls agreeable to the nature of souls; and that the _latter_
would for ever hover round those walls, and in vain attempt to get in.
He seemed to be sincere, honest, and conscientious in his _own way_,
which was more than I ever saw in any other Pagan; and I perceived he
was derided among most of the Indians as a _precise zealot_. I must say,
there was something in his temper that looked more like true religion
than any thing I ever observed among other Heathens.
♦ “pontificial” replaced with “pontifical”
September 22. I made some further attempts to instruct the Indians on
this island, but all to no purpose. They live so near the white people,
that they are always in the way of strong liquor, as well as the
ill examples of _nominal_ Christians; which renders it unspeakably
♦difficult to treat with them about Christianity.
♦ “diffcult” replaced with “difficult”
[On Monday, September 23. He left the Indians, in order to his return
to the Forks of Delaware, in a very weak state of body, and under
dejection of mind, which continued the two first days of his journey.]
Thursday, September 26. I was still much disordered in body, and
able to ride but slowly, I continued my journey however. Near night
I arrived at the Irish settlement, about fifteen miles from mine own
house. This day I was much exercised with a sense of my barrenness: and
verily thought, there was no creature that had any true grace, but what
was more spiritual and fruitful than I: I could not think that any of
God’s children made so poor a hand of living to God as I.
_Forks of Delaware._
October 1. I discoursed to the Indians here, and afterwards invited
them to follow me to Crosweeksung as soon as their conveniency would
admit; which invitation sundry of them chearfully accepted.
Saturday, October 5. I preached at Crosweeksung, from John xiv. 1‒6.
The divine presence seemed to be in the assembly. Numbers were affected,
and some comforted.
O what a difference is there between these and the Indians upon
Susquahannah! To be with _those_ seemed like being banished from God
and all his people; to be with _these_ like being admitted into his
family, and to the enjoyment of his presence! How great is the change
made upon these Indians, who not many months ago were as averse to
Christianity, as those upon Susquahannah!
Lord’s-day, October 6. I preached in the forenoon from John x. 7‒11.
There was a considerable melting among my people; the young Christians
were comforted and strengthened, and one or two persons newly awakened.
In the afternoon I discoursed on the story of the jailor, Acts xvi.
and in the evening expounded Acts xx. 1‒12. There was at this time a
melting through the whole assembly. There was scarce a dry eye to be
seen among them, and nothing but what tended to excite a Christian
ardour and spirit of devotion.
After public service I withdrew, and the Indians continued praying
among themselves for near two hours together; which exercises appeared
to be attended with a blessed influence from on high.
I could not but earnestly wish that numbers of God’s people had been
present at this season, to see and hear these things which I am sure
must refresh the heart of every true lover of Zion. To see those, who
very lately were savage Pagans and idolaters, “having no hope, and
without God in the world,” now filled with a sense of divine love,
and worshipping the “Father in spirit and in truth,” was not a little
affecting; and especially to see them so tender and humble, as well as
lively, fervent, and devout.
Monday, October 7. Being called by the church of East-Hampton on
Long-Island, as a member of a council, to advise in affairs of
difficulty in that church, I set out this morning, before it was well
light, and travelled to Elisabeth-Town.
[He prosecuted his journey with the other ministers that were sent for:
and did not return till October 24.]
October 24. I discoursed from John iv. 13‒14. There was a great
attention, and an unaffected melting in the assembly.――It is surprising
to see how eager they are to hear the word of God. I have often thought
they would chearfully attend divine worship twenty-four hours together.
October 25. I discoursed to my people on the _resurrection_, from Luke
xx. 27‒36. And when I came to mention the blessedness the good shall
enjoy at that season; their final freedom from death, and sorrow; their
equality to the _angels_ in regard of their nearness to, and enjoyment
of Christ; and their being the _children of God_, openly acknowledged
by him _as such_; I say, when I mentioned these things, numbers of them
were much affected, and melted with a view of this blessed state.
October 26. Being called to assist in the administration of the
Lord’s-supper in a neighbouring congregation, I invited my people to
go with me, who embraced the opportunity chearfully, and attended the
discourses of that solemnity with diligence and affection, most of them
now understanding something of the English language.
Lord’s-day, October 27. While I was preaching to a vast assembly of
people abroad, who appeared generally easy and secure enough, there
was one Indian woman, a stranger, who never heard me preach before, nor
ever regarded any thing about religion, (being now persuaded by some
of her friends to come though much against her will) was seized with a
pressing concern for her soul, and soon after expressed a great desire
of going home, (more than forty miles distant) to call her husband,
that he also might have a concern for his soul. Some other of the
Indians also appeared to be affected with divine truths this day.
The pious people of the English (numbers of whom I had an opportunity
to converse with) seemed refreshed with seeing the Indians worship
God in that devout and solemn manner, and could not but “glorify God,
saying, Then hath God also to the Gentiles granted repentance unto
life.”
*October 28. I discoursed from Matthew xxii. 1‒13. I was enabled to
adapt my discourse to the capacities of my people, “I know not how,” in
a plain, easy, and familiar manner, beyond all that I could have done
by the utmost study: and this, with as much freedom, as if I had been
addressing a common audience, who had been instructed in Christianity
all their days.
*The word of God at this time seemed to fall upon the assembly with
a divine power, especially toward the close of my discourse: there
was both a sweet melting, and bitter mourning in the audience.――The
Christians were refreshed and comforted, convictions revived in others,
and sundry persons newly awakened who had never been with us before;
and so much of the divine presence appeared in the assembly, that it
seemed, “this was no other than the gate of heaven.” All that had any
relish of divine things were even constrained to say, “Lord, it is good
for us to be here!” If ever there was among my people an appearance of
the New Jerusalem――“as a bride adorned for her husband,” there was at
this time. And so agreeable was the entertainment, that I could scarce
tell how to leave the place.
Lord’s-day, ♦November 3. I baptized _fourteen_ Indians, six adults and
eight children: one of these was near _fourscore_ years of age, and
I have reason to hope God has brought her home to himself: two of the
others were men of _fifty_ years old, who had been singular even among
the Indians for their wickedness; one of them had been a murderer, and
both notorious drunkards, as well as excessive quarrelsome; but now I
cannot but hope both are really changed. I deferred their baptism for
many weeks, that I might have more opportunities to observe the fruits
of those impressions they had been under. Indeed there ♠was not but one
of the adults but had given me grounds to hope, that God had wrought a
good work in their hearts.
♦ “October 23” replaced with “November 3”
♠ “was” replaced with “was not” per Errata
November 4. There were sundry of the persons lately come from remote
places, that were now brought under deep concern for their souls;
particularly one, who not long since came half drunk, and railed
on us, and attempted to disturb us while engaged in divine worship,
was so distressed, that she seemed unable to get any ease without an
interest in Christ. There were many tears and affectionate groans in
the assembly in general, some weeping for themselves, others for their
friends. And though persons are doubtless much more easily affected now,
than they were in the beginning ♦of this religious concern, when tears
and cries for their souls were things unheard of among them; yet, their
affection in general appeared _genuine_ and _unfeigned_; and especially
in those newly awakened.
♦ “to” replaced with “of” per Errata
I baptized a child this day, and perceived several of the baptized
persons, affected, as being thereby minded of their own solemn
engagements.
I have now baptized in all _forty-seven_ persons of the Indians, twenty
adults, and twenty-four children; thirty-five of them belonging to
these parts, and the rest to the Forks of Delaware; and they have none
of them yet been a disgrace to their profession.
Before I proceed, I would make a few remarks.
And _1st_, It is remarkable that God began this work among the Indians
at a time when I had the least prospect of seeing a work of grace among
them. My bodily strength being then much wasted by a tedious journey
to Susquahannah, my mind exceedingly depressed with a view of the
unsuccessfulness of my labours, I had little to hope that God would
make me instrumental of the saving conversion of any of the Indians,
whence I was ready to look upon myself as a burden to the society that
employed me. I began to entertain serious thoughts of giving up my
mission; and almost resolved I would, at the conclusion of the year,
if I had no better prospect in my work than I had hitherto had.
In this frame of mind I first visited these Indians at Crosweeksung,
apprehending it was my duty to make some attempts for their conversion,
though I cannot say, I had any hope of success.
And yet _this_ was the very season that God saw fit to begin this
glorious work in! And thus he “ordained strength out of weakness,”
by making bare his almighty arm at a time when _all hopes_ and _human
probabilities_ failed.――“Whence I learn that it is good to follow the
path of duty, though in the midst of darkness and discouragement.”
_2dly_, It is remarkable how God, in a manner almost _unaccountable_,
called these Indians together and how he ♦seized their minds with the
most solemn concern as fast as they came to the place where his word
was preached. When I first came into these parts, I found not one man
at the place, but only four _women_, and a few children: but before I
had been there many days, they gathered from all quarters, some from
more than twenty miles distant: and when I made them a second visit,
some came more than forty miles to hear me.
♦ “seised” replaced with “seized”
And many came without any intelligence of what was going on here, and
consequently without any design, so much as to gratify their curiosity;
so that it seemed as if God had summoned them together from all
quarters for nothing else but to deliver his message to them.
Nor is it less surprising that they were one after another affected
with a solemn concern, almost as soon as they came upon the spot ♦where
divine truths were taught them. I could not but think, their coming to
this place was like Saul and his messengers coming among the prophets;
they no sooner came but they prophesied: and these were almost as
soon affected with a sense of their sin and misery, and with an
earnest concern for deliverance, as they made their appearance in our
assembly.――――After this work of _grace_ began with power among them, it
was common for _strangers_ of the Indians, before they had been with us
one day, to be deeply convinced of their sin and misery, and to inquire
with great solicitude, “What they should do to be saved?”
♦ “were” replaced with “where”
_3dly_, It is likewise remarkable how God preserved these poor ignorant
Indians from being prejudiced against me, and the truths I taught
them. There were many attempts made by some of the _white_ people
to prejudice them against, or fright them from Christianity. They
sometimes told them, the Indians were well enough already:――that there
was no need of all this _noise_ about Christianity:――that if they were
Christians, they would be in no better, no safer, or happier state,
than they were already.
Sometimes they told them, that I was a _knave_, a _deceiver_: that I
taught them lies, and had no other design but to impose upon them.
And when none of these suggestions would avail, they told the Indians,
“My design was to gather together as large a body of men as I could,
and sell them to England for slaves.” Nothing could be more likely to
terrify the Indians, they being naturally of a jealous disposition, and
the most averse to a state of servitude perhaps of any people living.
But all these insinuations (through divine goodness) constantly turned
against the _authors_ of them, and only served to engage the affections
of the Indians more firmly to me: for they could not but observe, that
the persons who endeavoured to imbitter their minds against me, were
altogether unconcerned about their own souls, and not only so, but
vicious and profane; and thence could not but argue, that if they had
no concern for their _own_, it was not likely they should have any for
the souls of _others_.
It seems the more wonderful that the Indians were preserved from
hearkening to these suggestions, as I was an utter stranger among them,
and could give no assurance of my sincere affection, by any thing that
was past,――while the persons that insinuated these things were their
old acquaintance, who had had frequent opportunities of gratifying them,
and consequently had the greatest interest in their affections.
_4thly_, Nor is it less wonderful how God was pleased to provide a
_remedy_ for my want of skill in the Indian language, by remarkably
fitting my interpreter for, and assisting him in the performance of
his work. It might be supposed I must labour under a vast disadvantage
in addressing the Indians by an interpreter, and that divine truths
would lose much of their _energy_, by coming to the audience from
a _second hand_. But although this has often been the case in times
past, when my interpreter had little sense of divine things, yet now
it is quite otherwise. I cannot think my addresses to the Indians
since the beginning of this season of grace, have lost any thing of
the power with which they were made, unless it were sometimes for want
of pertinent expressions in the Indian language. My interpreter had
before gained some good degree of _doctrinal_ knowledge, whereby he
was capable of understanding and communicating the _meaning_ of my
discourses, without being obliged to interpret word for word. He had
likewise an _experimental_ acquaintance with divine things; and it
pleased God at this season to inspire his mind with longing desires
for the conversion of the Indians, and to give him admirable zeal
and fervency in addressing them. And it is remarkable, that when I
was favoured with any _special assistance_, and enabled to speak with
more than common _freedom_, _fervency_, and _power_, he was affected
in the same manner almost instantly, and enabled to speak in the
same _pathetic_ language that I did. And a _surprising energy_ often
accompanied the word at such seasons; so that the face of the whole
assembly would be changed almost in an instant, and tears and sobs
became common among them.
He likewise took pains day and night to inculcate upon the Indians the
truths I taught them daily; and this not from spiritual pride, but from
a spirit of faithfulness, and an honest concern for their souls.
And thus God, without bestowing on me the _gift of tongues_, could find
a way wherein I might be effectually enabled to convey the truths of
his glorious gospel to the minds of these poor benighted Pagans.
_Lastly_, The _effects_ of this work have been very remarkable. I doubt
not but that many of these people have gained more knowledge of divine
truths since June last, than could have been instilled into their minds
by the most diligent use of proper means for whole _years_ together,
without such a divine influence. Their Pagan notions and _idolatrous_
practices seem to be entirely abandoned. They are regularly disposed in
the affairs of marriage; an instance whereof I have given in my Journal
of August 14. They seem generally divorced from _drunkenness_, their
darling vice, and the “sin that easily besets them:” so that I do not
know of more than two or three who have been my steady hearers, that
have drank to excess since I first visited them, although before it was
common for some or other of them to be drunk almost every day: and some
of them seem now to fear this sin in particular more than death itself.
A principle of honesty and justice appears in many of them, and they
seem concerned to discharge their old debts, which they have neglected,
and, perhaps, scarce thought of for years past. Their manner of living
is much more decent and comfortable than formerly. _Love_ reigns
among them, especially those who have experienced a real change: and
I never saw any appearance of _bitterness_ or _censoriousness_, nor
any disposition to “esteem themselves better than others.”
*As their sorrows under _convictions_ have been great and pressing,
so many of them have since appeared to “rejoice with joy unspeakable.”
And yet their consolations do not incline them to _lightness_; but are
attended with _solemnity_, and with _tears_, and brokenness of heart.
And in this respect some of them have been surprised at themselves,
and have with concern observed to me, that “when their hearts have been
glad,” “they could not help crying for all.”
Upon the whole, here are all the evidences of a remarkable work
of grace that can reasonably be looked for. May the _great Author_
maintain and promote the same _here_, and propagate it _every where_,
till “the whole earth be filled with his glory!”
I have now rode more than three thousand miles since the beginning of
March last; and almost the whole of it has been as a _missionary_, upon
the design of propagating _Christian knowledge_ among the Indians. I
have taken pains to look out for a _colleague_, to travel with me; but
have not as yet found any person qualified and disposed for this good
work.
As these poor Pagans stood in need of having “line upon line, and
precept upon precept,” in order to their being grounded in the
principles of Christianity; so I preached “publickly and taught from
house to house,” almost every day for _whole weeks_ together. And my
_public_ discourses did not then make up the one half of my work, while
there were so many constantly coming to me with that important inquiry,
“What must we do to be saved?” And yet I can say, (to the praise of
God) that the success with which my labours were crowned, unspeakably
more than compensated for the labour itself, and was likewise a great
means of carrying me through fatigues, which my nature would have sunk
under, without such an encouraging prospect. But although this success
has afforded matter of support, comfort and thankfulness: yet in this
season I have found great need of assistance in my work, and have been
much oppressed for want of _one_ to bear a part of my _labours_ and
_hardships_.――――
“May the Lord of the harvest send forth other labourers into this part
of his harvest, that those who sit in darkness may see great light, and
that the whole earth may be filled with the knowledge of himself!”
[Tuesday, November 5. He left the Indians, and spent the remaining part
of this week in travelling to various parts of New-Jersey, in order
to get a _collection_ for the use of the Indians, and to obtain a
_school-master_ to instruct them.]
Lord’s day, November 10. [At Elisabeth-Town] I preached in the forenoon
from 2 Corinthians v. 20. God was pleased to give me freedom and
fervency; and the presence of God seemed to be in the assembly; numbers
were affected, and there were many tears among them. In the afternoon
I preached from Luke xiv. 22. “And yet there is room.” I was favoured
with divine assistance in the first prayer, and poured out my soul to
God with a filial temper; the living God also assisted me in sermon.
Friday, November 15. I could not cross the ferry by reason of the
violence of the wind; nor could I enjoy any place of retirement at
the ferry house. Yet God gave me some satisfaction in meditation, and
lifting up my heart to God in the midst of company. And although some
were drinking and talking profanely, yet my mind was calm and composed.
And I could not but bless God, that I was not like to spend an eternity
in such company.
Saturday, November 16. I crossed the ferry and arrived at
Elisabeth’s-Town near night. I was in a composed frame of mind,
and felt an entire resignation with respect to a loss I had lately
sustained, in having my horse stolen from me the last Wednesday night.
*Friday, November 22. I rode to Mr. Tennent’s and from thence to
Crosweeksung. Oh that I could fill up all my time, whether in the house
or by the way, for God! I was enabled this day to give up my soul to
God, and put all my concerns into his hands: and found real consolation
in the thought of being entirely at his disposal and having no will or
interest of my own. I have received my _all_ from God! Oh that I could
return my _all_ to God! Surely God is worthy of my highest affection,
and most devout adoration; he is infinitely worthy, that I should make
him my last end, and live for ever to him: Oh that I might never more,
in any one instance, live to myself!
Lord’s-day, November 24. I preached from the story of Zaccheus. When
I insisted upon the _salvation_ that _comes to the sinner_, upon his
becoming a true believer, the word seemed to be attended with divine
power.――――Numbers were much affected;――former convictions were revived,
one or two persons newly awakened;――and a most affectionate engagement
appeared among them universally.
November 26. I was favoured with freedom and fervency in my discourse.
Many wept affectionately, and scarce any appeared unconcerned. The
influence that seized the audience appeared gentle, and yet deeply
affected the heart. It excited in the persons under convictions of
their lost state, heavy groans and tears:――――and in others who had
obtained comfort, a sweet and humble melting. It seemed like the gentle
but steady showers that effectually water the earth.
The persons lately awakened, were deeply distressed, and appeared
earnestly ♦solicitous to obtain an interest in Christ: and some of them,
in anguish of spirit, said, “They knew not what to do, nor how to get
their wicked hearts changed.”
♦ “solicitious” replaced with “solicitous”
November 28. After public service was over, I asked one of the Indians
who wept most affectionately, “What she now wanted?” She replied,
“Oh to be with Christ! She did not know how to stay.” This was a
blessed refreshing season to the religious people in general. The
Lord Jesus Christ seemed to manifest his divine glory to them, as when
_transfigured_ before his disciples. And they were ready universally to
say, “Lord, it is good for us to be here.”
The influence of God’s word was not _confined_ to those who had given
evidences of being truly gracious, though I calculated my discourse for,
and directed it _chiefly_ to such: but it appeared to be a season of
divine power in the whole assembly; so that most were, in some measure
affected. And one aged man in particular, lately awakened, was now
brought under deep and pressing concern, and was earnestly inquisitive
“how he might find Jesus Christ.”
God seems still to vouchsafe the influence of his blessed Spirit, in
all our meetings for divine worship.
November 30. I preached near night, after having spent some hours in
private conference with some of my people. I explained the story of
the rich man and Lazarus, Luke xvi. 19. 26. The word made powerful
impressions upon many, especially while I discoursed of the blessedness
of “Lazarus in Abraham’s bosom.” _This_ I could perceive, affected
them much more than what I spoke of the _rich man’s_ torments. And thus
it has been usually with them. They have appeared much more affected
with the _comfortable_ than the _dreadful_ truths of God’s word. And
that which has distressed many of them under convictions, is, that
they wanted, and could not obtain the happiness of the godly; they
have often appeared to be more affected with _this_, than with the
_terrors_ of hell. But whatever be the _means_ of their awakening, it
is plain, numbers are made _deeply sensible_ of their sin and misery,
the wickedness of their own hearts, their _utter inability_ to help
themselves, or come to Christ for help, without divine assistance.
Lord’s-day, December 1. I gave them particular cautions and directions
relating to their conduct in divers respects. And pressed them to
_watchfulness_ in all their deportment, seeing they were encompassed
with those that “waited for their halting,” and who _stood ready_ to
draw them into _temptations_ of every kind, and then to expose religion
on their account.
Monday, December 9. I spent most of the day in procuring provisions, in
order to my setting up house-keeping among the Indians.
Tuesday, December 10. Towards night I got into my own house.¹
¹ This is the third house that he built to dwell in by himself
among the Indians: the first at Kaunaumeek in the county of
Albany: the second at the Forks of Delaware in Pensylvania;
and now this at Crosweeksung in New-Jersey.
December 12. I preached from the parable of the ten virgins, Matthew
xxv. The divine power seemed to attend this discourse, in which I was
favoured with _uncommon_ plainness of address, and enabled to open
divine truths, in a ♦manner _beyond myself_.――There appeared in many
an affectionate concern for their souls: and it was refreshing to see
them melted into tears; some with _sense_ of divine love, and some for
_want_ of it.
♦ “maner” replaced with “manner”
Lord’s-day, December 15. I preached to the Indians from Luke xiii.
24, 28. Divine truths fell with weight upon the audience. Near night I
discoursed to them again from Matthew xxv. 31. to 46. At which season
also, the word appeared to be accompanied with divine influence, and
made powerful impressions upon the assembly in general, as well as upon
divers persons in a very particular manner. This was an amazing season
of grace! “The word of the Lord,” “was quick and powerful, sharper than
a two-edged sword.” The assembly was _deeply_ wrought upon; and the
impressions made by the word of God appeared solid and rational, worthy
of the solemn truths by means of which they were produced.
O how did the hearts of the hearers seem to bow under the weight of
divine truths! And how evident did it now appear that they _received_
and _felt_ them, “not as the word of man, but as the word of God!”
*December 16. There was much affection and concern in the assembly;
especially one woman appeared in great distress. She was brought to
such an _agony_ in seeking after Christ, that the sweat ran off her
face for a considerable time, although the evening was very cold; and
her bitter cries were the most affecting indication of the _inward_
anguish of her heart.
Saturday, December 21. My people having now attained to a considerable
degree of knowledge in the principles of Christianity, I thought it
proper to set up a _catechetical lecture_; and this evening attempted
something in _that form_; proposing questions to them, receiving their
answers, and then explaining and insisting as appeared proper upon each
question. After which I endeavoured to make some practical improvement
of the whole.――They were able readily and _rationally_ to answer many
important questions: so that I found their knowledge to exceed my
expectations.――In the improvement of my discourse, when I came to open
the blessedness of those who have so great and glorious a God, as had
been spoken of, “for their everlasting friend and portion,” sundry were
much affected: and especially when I exhorted them “to be reconciled
to God,” through his dear Son, and _thus_ to secure an interest in his
everlasting favour.
*Lord’s-day, December 22. After my labours with the Indians, I spent
some time in writing; and was much wearied with the labours of the
day. I am conscious to myself that my labours are as great and constant
as my nature will bear, and that ordinarily I go to the extent of my
strength; so that I do all I can; but the misery is, I do not labour
with that _heavenly_ temper, that single eye to the _glory_ of God,
that I long for.
There were sundry persons of the Indians newly come here, who had
frequently lived among the Quakers; and being more civilized than the
generality of the Indians, they had imbibed some of the Quakers errors,
especially this, that if men would but live according to the dictates
of their own consciences, (or the _light within_,) there is no doubt of
their salvation.――――These persons I found much worse to deal with than
those who are wholly under Pagan darkness, who make no _pretences_ to
knowledge in Christianity, nor have any _self-righteous_ foundation
to stand upon. However, they all, except one, appeared now convinced,
that this was not sufficient to salvation; since Christ himself had
declared it so in the case of the young man. And seemed in some measure
concerned to obtain that change of heart which I had been labouring to
shew them the necessity of.
This was likewise a season of _comfort_ to some souls, and in
particular to one who never before obtained any settled comfort.
When I came to enquire of her, how she got relief from the distresses
she had lately been under, she answered in broken English,¹ “Me try,
me try, save myself, last my strength be all gone, (meaning her ability
to save herself,) could not me stir bit further. Den last me forced let
Jesus Christ alone, send me hell if he please.” I said, But you was not
willing to go to hell, was you? She replied,² “Could not me help it. My
heart he would wicked for all. Could not me make him good:” I asked her,
How she got out of this case? She answered still in the same broken
language,³ “By by my heart be grad desperately.” I asked her why her
heart was glad? She replied, “Grad my heart Jesus Christ do what he
please with me. Den me tink, grad my heart Jesus Christ send me hell.
Did not me care where he put me, me love him for all.”
¹ In proper English thus, “I tried and tried to save myself,
till at last my strength was all gone, and I could not stir
any further. Then at last I was forced to let Jesus Christ
alone to send me to hell if he pleased.”
² In plain English thus, “I could not help it. My heart would
be wicked for all I could do, I could not make it good.”
³ “By and by my heart was exceeding glad that Jesus Christ
would do with me what he pleased. Then I thought my heart
would be glad although Christ should send me to hell. I did
not care where he put me, I should love him for all: _i. e._
do what he would with me.”
*And she could not readily be convinced, but that she was willing to
go to hell, if Christ was pleased to send her there. Though the truth
evidently was, her will was so swallowed up in the divine will, that
she could not frame any hell in her imagination that would be dreadful,
provided it was the will of God to send her to it.
December 25. The Indians having been used upon Christmas-days to drink
and revel among the _white_ people, I thought proper to call them
together, and discourse to them upon divine things: which I accordingly
did from the parable of the barren figtree, Luke xiii. 6‒9. The power
of God appeared in the assembly, by awakening several stupid creatures,
that were scarce ever moved before. And the impressions made upon
the assembly in general, seemed not _superficial_, but _deep_ and
heart-affecting. O how ready did they appear to comply with every
thing they were convinced was their duty! God was in the midst of us
of a truth, bowing and melting stubborn hearts! How many tears and sobs
were then to be seen and heard among us! What liveliness and strict
attention! What eagerness and intenseness of mind! They seemed to watch
and wait for the dropping of God’s word, as the thirsty earth for the
“former and latter rain.”
December 26. This evening I was visited by a person under great
spiritual exercise. She was a woman of more than _four-score_ years old,
and appeared to be much broken and very _childish_ through age, so that
it seemed impossible for man to instil into her mind any _notions_ of
divine things.――She was led by the hand into my house, and appeared in
extreme anguish. I asked her, what ailed her? She answered, “That her
heart was distressed, and she feared she should never find Christ.” I
asked her, when she began to be concerned? She answered to this effect,
That she had heard me preach many times, but never “felt it in her
heart” till the last sabbath; and then it came, she said, “all one as
if a needle had been ♦thrust into her heart;” since which time she had
no rest day or night. She added, that on the evening before Christmas,
a number of Indians being together at the house where she was, and
discoursing about _Christ_, their talk _pricked her heart_, so that
she could not sit up, but fell down on her bed; at which time _she went
away_, (as she expressed it) and felt as if she dreamed, and yet is
confident she did not dream. When she was thus gone, she saw, she says,
two paths, one appeared very broad and crooked; and that turned to the
left hand. The other appeared strait and very narrow; and that went up
the hill to the right hand. She travelled, she said, for some time up
the narrow right-hand path, till at length something seemed to obstruct
her journey. She sometimes called it darkness, and sometimes compared
it to a block or bar. She then remembered, she says, what she had heard
me say about “striving to enter in at the strait gate,” (although she
took little notice of it at that time) and thought she would climb over
this bar. But just as she was thinking of this, she came back again, as
she termed it, meaning that she came to herself; whereupon her soul was
extremely distressed, apprehending she had now turned back and forsaken
Christ, and that there was therefore no hope of mercy for her.
♦ “thurst” replaced with “thrust”
I then proposed to her the provision made in the gospel for the
salvation of sinners, and the ability and willingness of Christ “to
save to the uttermost all” (old as well as young) “that come to him.”
To which she seemed to give a hearty assent. But instantly replied, “Ay,
but I cannot come; my wicked heart will not come to Christ, I do not
know how to come.” And this she spoke in anguish of spirit, striking
her breast, with tears in her eyes; and with such earnestness in her
looks as was indeed affecting.
She seems to be really convinced of her sin and misery, and her need
of a change of heart: and her concern is abiding and constant. So that
nothing appears but that this exercise may have a saving issue. And
indeed there is ground to hope for it, seeing she is solicitous to
obtain an interest in Christ, that her heart, (as she expresses it)
prays day and night.
December 28. I discoursed to my people in the catechetical method I
lately entered upon. And in the improvement of my discourse, wherein I
was comparing man’s _present_ with his _primitive_ state; and pressing
sinners to take a view of their deplorable circumstances without Christ;
as also to strive that they may obtain an interest in him; the Lord
granted a remarkable influence of his blessed Spirit, and there was
a great concern in the assembly: many were melted into tears, and the
impressions made upon them seemed _deep_ and heart affecting. And in
particular, there were two or three persons who appeared to be reduced
almost to extremity; being convinced of the impossibility of helping
themselves, or mending their own hearts; and upon the _point_ of
giving up all hope _in themselves_, and venturing upon Christ as naked,
helpless and undone.
Lord’s-day. December 29. I preached from John iii. 1‒5. a number of
white people were present, as is usual upon the sabbath. The discourse
seemed to have a _silent_, but _deep_ and _piercing_ influence upon
the audience. Many wept and sobbed affectionately. And there were some
tears among the white people, as well as the Indians. Some could not
refrain from crying _out_. But ♦the impressions made upon their hearts,
appeared chiefly by the extraordinary earnestness of their attention,
and their heavy sighs and tears.
♦ “th” replaced with “the”
*After public worship was over, I went to my house, proposing to
preach again after a short intermission. But they soon came in, one
after another, with tears in their eyes, to know “what they should do
to be saved.” And the divine Spirit in such a manner, set home upon
their hearts what I spoke to them, that the house was soon filled with
cries and groans.――――They all flocked together upon this occasion, and
those whom I had reason to think in a Christless state, were almost
universally seized with concern for their souls.
It was an amazing season of _power_ among them, and seemed as if God
had “bowed the heavens and come down.” So astonishingly prevalent was
the operation upon old as well as young, that it seemed as if God was
about to convert _all the world_. And I was ready to think _then_,
that I should never again despair of the conversion of any man or woman
living.
*It is impossible to give a just description of the ♦appearance of
things at this season. A number were rejoicing that God had not taken
away the influence of his blessed Spirit.――――Refreshed to see so many
“striving to enter in at the strait gate;”――and animated with such
concern for them that they wanted “to push them forward,” as some of
them expressed it.――At the same time numbers both of men and women,
old and young, might be seen in tears, and some in anguish of spirit
appearing in their very countenances, like condemned malefactors going
towards the place of execution: so that there seemed a lively emblem
of the solemn day of accounts; a mixture of heaven and hell; of joy
unspeakable, and anguish inexpressible.
♦ “appearence” replaced with “appearance”
*The concern was such, that I could not pretend to have any formal
religious exercise among them: but spent the time in discoursing to one
and another, sometimes all together, and concluded with prayer. _Such_
were their circumstances, that I could scare have _half an hour_’s rest
from speaking from about half an hour before twelve o’clock, (at which
time I began public worship) till past _seven_ at night.
December 30. I was visited by four or five young persons under concern
for their souls, most of whom were very lately awakened. They wept
much while I discoursed to them and endeavoured to press upon them the
necessity of _flying_ to Christ without delay, for salvation.
December 31. I spent some hours this day in visiting my people from
house to house: and scarce left a house, without leaving some or other
of its inhabitants in tears, solicitously engaged to obtain an interest
in Christ.
The Indians are now gathered together from all quarters to this
place, and have built them little cottages, so that more than _twenty_
families live within a quarter of a mile of me, a very convenient
situation in regard both of public and private instruction.
Wednesday, January 1, 1745‒6. I am this day beginning a _New-Year_;
and God has carried me through numerous trials and labours in the ♦year
past. He has amazingly supported my feeble frame; for “having obtained
help of God, I continue to this day.” O that I might live nearer to God,
this year than I did last! The business that I have been enabled to go
through, I know, has been as great as nature is able to bear up under,
and what would have sunk me quite, without special support. But alas!
though I have done the labours and endured the trials, with what spirit
I have done the one, and borne the other? How cold has my heart often
been! and how little have I eyed the glory of God! I have found, that
I could have no peace without filling up all my time with labours; and
thus “necessity has been laid upon me;” yea, in that respect, I have
loved to labour; but I could not sensibly labour for _God_, as I would
have done. May I for the future be enabled more sensibly to make the
glory of God my _all_.
♦ “day” replaced with “year” per Errata
January 2. I visited some persons newly come among us, who had scarce
ever heard any thing of Christianity (but the name). I endeavoured to
instruct them in the first principles of religion in the most easy and
familiar manner I could.
There are strangers from remote parts almost continually dropping in,
so that I have occasion repeatedly to open and inculcate the _first
principles_ of Christianity.
Near night I proposed to have proceeded in my usual method of
catechising. But while we were engaged in the first prayer, the power
of God came upon the assembly in so remarkable a manner, that I thought
it more expedient to insist upon the plentiful provision made for
the redemption of perishing sinners, and to press them to a _speedy_
acceptance of the _great salvation_, than to ask them questions about
_doctrinal_ points.
I baptized two persons this day; one adult and one child.
The woman has discovered an heavenly frame of mind, from her first
reception of comfort. One morning in particular she came to see me,
discovering an unusual joy in her countenance; and when I inquired
the reason of it, she replied, “That God had made her feel that it
was _right_ for him to do as he pleased with all things? She moreover
inquired, whether I was not sent to preach to the Indians by some good
people a great way off.” I replied, Yes, by the good people in Scotland.
She answered, “that her heart loved those good people so, the evening
before, that she could scarce help praying for them all night, her
heart would go to God for them.”
*Wednesday, January 8. My heart was drawn out after God: my soul
was refreshed and quickened; I had great hopes of the ingathering of
precious souls to Christ; not only among my own people, but others also.
I was sweetly resigned under my bodily weakness; willing to live or die,
and desirous to labour for God to the utmost of my strength.
Friday, January 10. My soul was in a calm, composed frame, and my
heart filled with love to all the world; and Christian simplicity and
tenderness seemed to prevail and reign with me. Near night, I visited a
serious baptist minister, and had some agreeable conversation with him.
January 13. I was visited by divers persons under deep concern; one
of whom was newly awakened.――It is a most agreeable work to treat with
souls who are solicitously inquiring, “what they shall do to be saved?”
And as we are never to “be weary in well-doing,” so the obligation is
peculiarly strong when the work is so lively. And yet my health is so
much impaired, and my spirit so wasted with my labours, and solitary
manner of living, (there being no human creature in the house with me.)
that their repeated and almost incessant application to me for help
and direction, are sometimes exceeding burdensome. And what contributes
much towards this difficulty is, that I am obliged to spend _much_
time communicating a _little_ matter to them; there being often many
things necessary to be premised, before I can speak directly to what
I principally aim at; which things would readily be taken for granted,
where there was a competency of knowledge.
Lord’s-day, January 19. I catechised in my ordinary method. Numbers
were much affected.――Convictions powerfully revived.――Divers of the
Christians refreshed and strengthened.――And one weary _heavy laden_
soul, I have reason to hope, was brought to solid comfort in Christ.
*He told me, he had often heard me say, that persons must _see_ and
_feel_ themselves helpless and _undone_; that they must give up all
hope of saving themselves by their _own doings_, in order to their
coming to Christ for salvation. And he had long been striving after
this; supposing this would be an excellent frame of mind: that God
would have respect to _this_ frame, and bestow eternal life upon
him.――――But when he came to feel himself in this helpless _undone_
condition, he found it quite contrary to all his thoughts: so that it
was not the _same_, nor indeed any thing _like_ the frame he had been
seeking after. Instead of its being a _good_ frame of mind, he now
found nothing but _badness_ in himself, and saw it for ever impossible
for him to make himself any better. He was amazed he had never _before_
seen that it was utterly impossible for him, by all his contrivances
and endeavours, to do any thing _that way_.――――Instead of imagining
that God would be pleased with him for the sake of this frame of mind,
he saw clearly it would be just with God to send him to eternal misery;
and that there was _no goodness_ in what he then felt; for he could not
help seeing, that he was naked, sinful, and miserable, and there was
nothing in such a sight to deserve God’s love or pity.
In _this_ frame of mind he came to public worship this evening, and
while I was inviting sinners to come to Christ naked and empty, without
_any_ goodness of _their own_ to recommend them to his acceptance;
he thought, that he had often tried to come and give up his heart
to Christ, and he used to hope, that some time or other he should be
_able_ to do so. But now he was convinced _he could not_, and it seemed
utterly vain for him ever to try _any more_: nor did he now hope for a
better opportunity hereafter, as he had formerly done, because he saw,
and was fully ♦convinced, his own strength would for ever fail.
♦ “conviced” replaced with “convinced”
*While he was musing in this manner, he saw, he said, with his heart
(which is a common phrase among them) something that was unspeakably
good and lovely, and what he had never seen before; and “this stole
away his heart whether he would or no.” He did not, he said, know what
it was he saw. He did not say, “this is Jesus Christ;” but it was such
glory and beauty as he never saw before. He did not now give away his
heart _so_ as he had formerly attempted to do, but it _went away of
itself_ after that glory he then discovered. He used to try to make a
bargain with Christ, to give up his heart to him, that he might have
eternal life _for it_. But now he thought nothing about himself, but
his mind was wholly taken up with the unspeakable excellency of what
he then beheld.
After some time he was wonderfully pleased with the way of salvation
by Christ: so that it seemed unspeakably better to be saved altogether
by the _mere free grace_ of God in Christ, than to have _any hand_ in
saving himself.――――And the consequence is, that he appears to retain a
relish of divine things, and to maintain a life of true religion.
Lord’s-day, January 26. After public worship, I was in a sweet and
solemn frame of mind, thankful to God that he had made me in some
measure faithful in addressing precious souls, but grieved that I had
been no more fervent in my work; and tenderly affected towards all
the world, longing that every sinner might be saved; and could not
have entertained any bitterness towards the worst enemy living. In the
evening, I rode to Elisabeth-Town: while riding I was almost constantly
engaged in lifting up my heart to God, lest I should lose that sweet
heavenly solemnity and composure of soul I enjoyed. Afterwards I was
pleased, to think, that God _reigneth_; and thought, I could never be
uneasy with any of his dispensations; but must be entirely satisfied,
whatever trials he should cause me or his church to encounter. I
never felt more divine serenity and composure of mind: I could freely
have left the dearest earthly friend, for the society of “angels,
and spirits of just men made perfect:” my affections soared aloft to
the blessed Author of every dear enjoyment: I viewed the emptiness
and unsatisfactory nature of the most desireable earthly objects, any
further than God is seen in them: and longed for a life of spirituality
and inward purity; without which, I saw, there could be no true
pleasure.
January 28. The Indians in these parts having in times past run
themselves in debt by their excessive drinking; and some having taken
the advantage of them, and arrested sundry of them; whereby it was
supposed their hunting lands might speedily be taken from them: I being
sensible that they could not subsist together in these parts, if these
lands should drop out of their hands, thought it my duly to use my
utmost endeavours to prevent it. And having acquainted the gentlemen
concerned in this _mission_ with the affair, they thought it proper to
expend the money they had been collecting for the _religious_ interests
of the Indians, (at least a part of it,) for the discharging of their
debts, and securing of these lands.――And having received orders from
them, I answered, in behalf of the Indians, _Eighty-two pounds five
shillings_, New-Jersey currency.
January 31. This day the person I had engaged for a _school-master_
among the Indians, arrived among us, and was heartily welcomed by my
people.――――Whereupon I distributed several dozen of _primers_ among the
children and young people.
February 1, 1745‒6. My school-master entered upon his business among
the Indians.――He has generally about thirty children and young persons
in his school in the day-time, and about _fifteen_ married people in
his evening-school. The number of the latter sort of persons being less
than it would be, if they could be more constant at home.
In the evening I catechised in my usual method. Towards the close of
my discourse, a surprising power seemed to attend the word. One man
considerably in years, who had been a remarkable drunkard, a conjurer
and murderer, that was awakened some months before, was now brought
to great extremity, so that he trembled for hours together, and
apprehended himself just dropping into hell, without any power to
rescue or relieve himself.――Divers others appeared under great concern
as well as he, and solicitous to obtain a saving change.
[Monday, February 10. He set out on a journey to the Forks of Delaware,
to visit the Indians there. He performed the journey under great
weakness, and sometimes was exercised with much pain. He arrived at
his own house at the Forks, on Friday.]
I baptized three persons, two adults, and one child. There was a
considerable melting in the assembly, while I was administering the
ordinance.
God has been pleased to own and bless the administration of _this_, as
well as of his other _ordinances_, among the Indians. There are some
here that have been powerfully awakened at seeing others baptized: And
some have obtained relief and comfort, just when this ordinance has
been administered.
Toward night I catechised, God made this a powerful season. There were
many affected.――――Former convictions were powerfully revived. There
was likewise one, who had been a vile drunkard, remarkably awakened.
He appeared to be in great anguish of soul, wept and trembled, and
continued so to do till near midnight.――――There was also a poor _heavy
laden_ soul, who had been long under distress, that was now brought
to a comfortable _calm_, and told me, “She now saw and felt it was
right God should do with her as he pleased.” And added, that the _heavy
burden_ she had lain under, was now removed: that she felt she never
could do any thing to save herself, but must perish for ever if Christ
did not _do all_ for her. But Christ could save her, though she could
_do nothing_ to save herself.
Lord’s-day, February 16. Knowing that divers of the Indians in those
parts were obstinately set against Christianity, I thought it proper to
have some of my people from Crosweeksung with me, in order to converse
with them; hoping it might convince them of the truth, to hear some of
their own nation discoursing of divine things and manifesting earnest
desires that others might be brought out of Heathenish darkness, as
themselves were.
And having taken _half a dozen_ of the most knowing persons, I this day
met with them and the Indians of this place, (sundry of whom could not
have been prevailed upon to attend the meeting, had it not been for
these Indians) and preached to them.――Some of them who had, in times
past, been extremely averse to Christianity, now behaved soberly; the
word of God fell with such weight, that several seemed to be stunned,
and expressed a willingness to “hear me again of these matters.”
Those few Indians then present, who used to be my hearers in these
parts, (some having removed from hence to Crosweeksung) seemed glad to
see me again, although they had been so much attacked by some of the
Pagans, that they were almost afraid to manifest their friendship.
In the evening I was in a composed frame of mind. It was exceeding
refreshing to think, that God had been with me, affording me some good
measure of assistance. I found freedom in prayer and thanksgiving to
God: and found my soul sweetly enlarged in prayer. Blessed be the Lord,
that ever I am enabled to do any thing for his kingdom. Blessed be God
who enables me to be faithful, I enjoyed more resolution for God, and
more refreshment of spirit, than I have been favoured with for many
weeks past.
February 17. I discoursed from Acts viii. 5‒8. A divine influence
seemed to attend the word. Sundry of the Indians here appeared to be
somewhat awakened, and manifested a concern by their earnest attention,
tears and sobs. My people from Crosweeksung continued with them day
and night, inculcating the truths I had taught them: and sometimes
prayed and sung psalms among them; discoursing with each other, in
their hearing of the great things God had done for _them_, and for the
Indians from whence they came; which seemed to take more effect upon
them, than when they directed their discourses immediately to them.
February 18. I preached to an assembly of Irish people near fifteen
miles distant from the Indians.
February 19. I preached to the Indians again, after having spent a
considerable time in conversing with them privately. There appeared
a great solemnity, and some concern and affection among the Indians
belonging to these parts, as well as a sweet melting among those
who came with me.――――Divers of the Indians here seemed to have their
prejudices removed, and appeared well disposed to hear the word of God.
February 20. I preached to a small assembly of High-Dutch people, who
had seldom heard the gospel preached, and were, (some of them at least)
very ignorant; but have divers of them lately been put upon an inquiry
after the way of salvation. They gave wonderful attention, and some
of them were much affected, and afterwards said, (as I was informed)
that they never had been so much enlightened about the way of salvation
in their whole lives before. They requested me to tarry with them,
or come again and preach to them. And it grieved me that I could not
comply with their request, for I could not but be affected with their
circumstances; they being as “sheep not having a shepherd.”
February 21. I preached to a number of people, many of them Low-Dutch,
sundry of the High-Dutch attended, though _eight_ or _ten_ miles
distant from their houses.――Divers of the Indians also belonging to
these parts, came of their own accord with my people (from Crosweeksung)
two in particular, who in the last Sabbath, opposed and ridiculed
Christianity.
February 20. I preached to the Indians. They seemed more cordial to
Christianity than before, and some appeared much affected.
My spirits were supported, though my bodily strength was much wasted.
O that God would be gracious to the souls of these poor Indians!
God has been very gracious to me this week: he has enabled me to preach
every day; and has given me some assistance, and encouraging prospect
of success in almost every sermon. Blessed be his name. Divers of the
white people have been awakened this week; sundry of the Indians much
cured of prejudice against Christianity, and some seemed to be really
awakened.
[The next day he left the Forks of Delaware, to return to Crosweeksung;
and spent the whole week till Saturday, before he arrived there; but
preached by the way every day, excepting one; and had much inward
comfort, and earnest longings to fill up all his time with the service
of God.]
Lord’s-day, March 2. Some of my people who went up to the Forks of
Delaware with me, being now returned, were accompanied by two of the
Indians belonging to the Forks, who had promised me a speedy visit.
They can scarce go into a house now, but they will meet with Christian
conversation, whereby they may be both instructed and awakened.
I know of no assembly of Christians, where there seems to be so much
of the presence of God, where brotherly love so much prevails, as in
my _own congregation_: although not more than nine months ago, they
were worshipping _devils_ and _dumb idols_, under the power of Pagan
darkness and superstition. Amazing change! Effected by nothing less
than divine power and grace!
Their present situation is so compact and commodious, that they are
quickly called together with only the sound of a Conk-shell, (a shell
like that of a Perriwinkle) so that they have frequent opportunities of
attending religious exercises publicly; which seems to be a great means,
under God, of keeping alive their impressions of divine things.
*Thursday, March 6. I walked alone in the evening, and enjoyed comfort
in prayer, beyond what I have of late enjoyed: my soul rejoiced in my
_pilgrimage-state_. I was delighted with the thought of labouring and
_enduring hardness_ for God: and confided in God that he “never would
leave me nor forsake me,” to the end of my race. Oh, may I obtain mercy
of God to be faithful, to my dying moment!
March 8. I catechised in the evening. My people answered the questions
proposed to them well. I can perceive their knowledge in religion
increases daily.――――And what is still more desirable, the divine
influence among them, appears still to continue. The divine presence
seemed to be in the assembly this evening. Some, who are Christians
_indeed_, were melted with a sense of the divine goodness, and their
own barrenness and ingratitude.――Convictions also appeared to revive
in several; so it might justly be called “an evening of power.”
Lord’s day, March 9. I preached from Luke x. 38‒42. The word of
God was attended with energy. Numbers were concerned to obtain the
_one thing needful_. Several that have given good evidences of being
truly converted, were much affected with a sense of their want of
spirituality; and saw the need they stood in of _growing in grace_. And
most that had had any impressions of divine things in times past, now
felt those impressions revived.
In the afternoon, I proposed to have catechised in my usual method. But
while we were engaged in the first prayer, in the Indian language, (as
usual) a great part of the assembly was so much moved, that I thought
it proper to omit the questions, and insist upon the most practical
truths.
There appeared to be a powerful influence in the congregation.
Those truly pious, were so deeply affected with a sense of their own
_barrenness_, and their unworthy treatment of the blessed Redeemer,
that they _looked on him as pierced_ by themselves, _and mourned_,
yea, some of them were _in bitterness as for a first-born_.――Some
poor awakened sinners also appeared to be in anguish of soul to obtain
an interest in Christ. So that there was _a great mourning_ in the
assembly: many heavy groans and tears! and one or two persons newly
come among us, were considerably awakened.
After public worship many came to my house, where we sung and
discoursed; and the presence of God seemed here also to be in the
midst of us.
*While we were singing, there was one (the woman mentioned in my
journal of February 9.) who, was “filled with joy unspeakable and
full of glory,” and could not but burst forth in prayer and praises
to God before us all, with many tears, crying sometimes in English,
and sometimes in Indian “O blessed Lord, do come, do come! O do take
me away, do let me die and go to Jesus Christ! I am afraid if I live
I shall sin again! O do let me die now! O dear Jesus, do come! I
cannot stay, I cannot stay! O how can I live in this world! do take
my soul away from this sinful place! O let me never sin any more!”――In
this ecstasy she continued some time, uttering these and such like
expressions incessantly.
*When she had a little recovered, I asked her, if Christ was now sweet
to her soul? Whereupon, turning to me with tears in her eyes, she said,
“I have many times heard you speak of the goodness and the sweetness
of Christ, that he was better than all the world. But O! I knew nothing
what you meant, I never believed you! I never believed you! But now
I know it is true!”――I answered, And do you see enough in Christ for
the greatest of sinners? She replied, “O! enough, enough! for all
the sinners in the world, if they would but come.” And when I asked
her, if the could not tell them of the goodness of Christ: turning
herself about to some poor Christless souls who stood by, and were much
affected, she said, “O! there is enough in Christ for you, if you would
but come! O strive, strive to give up your hearts to him!”――And upon
hearing something of the glory of heaven mentioned, she again fell into
the same ecstasy, repeating her former expressions, “O dear Lord, do
let me go! O what shall I do, what shall I do! I want to go to Christ!
I cannot live! O do let me die!”
She continued in this sweet frame for more than two hours, before she
was well able to get home.
I am sensible there may be great joys, where there is no evidence of
their being well grounded. But in the present case there seemed to be
no evidence wanting, in order to prove this joy to be divine, either
in regard of its preparatives, attendants, or consequents.
Of all the persons I have seen, I scarce ever saw one more bowed
under convictions of sin; and scarce any who seemed to have a greater
acquaintance with her own heart than she had.
And as she was remarkably sensible of her stubbornness under conviction,
so she was no less remarkably reconciled to divine grace, before she
obtained relief. Since which she has constantly breathed the spirit
of a new creature: crying after Christ, not through fear of _hell_
as before, but with strong desires after him as her only satisfying
_portion_: and has many times wept bitterly, because she could not love
him.――When I have asked her, Why she appeared so sorrowful, and whether
it was because she was afraid of hell? She would answer, “No, I be
not distressed about _that_; but my heart is so wicked I _cannot love_
Christ;” and thereupon burst out into tears.――But although this has
been the habitual frame of her mind for several weeks, yet she never
had any remarkable comfort till this evening.
The _attendants_ of this comfort, were such as abundantly discovered
that it was truly “joy in the Holy Ghost.”――――_Now_ she viewed divine
truths as _living realities_; and could say, “I know these things are
so, I feel they are true!”――_Now_ her soul was resigned to the divine
will in the most tender points; so that when I said to her, What if God
should take away your husband, (who was sick,) how do you think you
could bear that? She replied, “He belongs to God, and not to me; he may
do with him just what he pleases.”――_Now_ she had the most tender sense
of the evil of sin, and discovered the utmost aversion to it.――_Now_
she could freely trust her _all_ with God for time and eternity. And
when I queried with her, how she could be willing to die, and leave
her little infant: and what she thought would become of it in case
she should? She answered, “God will take care of it. It belongs to
him.”――_Now_ she appeared to have the most humbling sense of her
own unworthiness and inability to preserve herself from sin, and
to persevere in holiness. And I thought I had never seen such an
appearance of _ecstasy_ and _humility_ meeting in any one person.
The consequents of this joy are no less desirable than its attendants.
She since appears to be a most tender, broken-hearted, affectionate,
devout, and humble Christian, as exemplary in life and conversation as
any person in my congregation.
March 10. Toward night the Indians met together of their own accord,
and sang, prayed, and discoursed of divine things. At this time there
was much affection among them. Some appeared to be melted with divine
things, and others seemed much concerned for their souls.
I baptized the _woman_ mentioned in my journal of last Lord’s-day; who
appeared to be in a devout, and excellent frame of mind.
My house being thronged with people in the evening, I spent the time
with them, till my nature was almost spent.――They are so unwearied in
religious exercises, and unsatiable in their thirsting after _Christian
knowledge_, that I can sometimes scarce avoid labouring so, as greatly
to exhaust my strength.
March 19. Some of the persons that went with me to the Forks of
Delaware, having been detained there by the dangerous illness of one
of their company, returned home this day. Whereupon my people met
together of their own accord, to give thanks to God for his preserving
goodness to those who had been absent from them for several weeks, and
recovering mercy to him that had been sick.
Lord’s-day, March 23. There being about fifteen _strangers_, adult
persons, come among us in the _week_ past, divers of whom had never
been in any religious meeting till now, I thought it proper to
discourse this day in a manner suited to their circumstances, and
accordingly attempted it from Hosea xiii. 9, opening in the plainest
manner I could, man’s apostacy and ruined ♦state. After having spoken
some things respecting the being and perfections of God, and his
creation of man in a state of uprightness and happiness, in the
♠afternoon, I endeavoured to open the glorious provision God has made
for the redemption of apostate creatures.
♦ “state, after” replaced with “state. After” per Errata
♠ “afternon” replaced with “afternoon”
Near sun-set I felt an uncommon concern upon my mind, especially for
the poor _strangers_: I visited sundry houses, and discoursed with
them severally, but without much appearance of success, till I came
to a house where divers of the strangers were; and there the word took
effect, first upon some children; then upon divers adult persons that
had been somewhat awakened before, and afterwards upon several of the
Pagan _strangers_.
I continued my discourse till almost every one in the house was melted
into tears; and divers wept aloud, and appeared earnestly concerned
to obtain an interest in Christ. Upon this, numbers soon gathered from
all the houses round about and so thronged the place, that we were
obliged to remove to the house where we meet for public worship. And
the congregation gathering immediately and many appearing remarkably
affected, I discoursed some time from Luke xix. 10, endeavouring to
open the mercy of Christ for _lost_, _helpless_, and _undone_ sinners.
There was much concern in the assembly; and I doubt not but a divine
influence accompanied what was spoken to the hearts of many. There
were five or six of the _strangers_ (men and women) who appeared to be
considerably awakened. And in particular one very rugged young man, who
seemed as if nothing would move him, was now brought to tremble like
the jailor, and weep for a long time.
The Pagans that were awakened seemed at once to put off their savage
roughness, and became sociable and _humane_. When they first came, I
exhorted my people to take pains with them (as they had done with other
strangers from time to time) to instruct them in Christianity. But when
some of them attempted it, the strangers would soon rise up and walk to
other houses. Whereupon some of the serious persons agreed to disperse
themselves into the several parts of the settlement. So that wherever
the _strangers_ went, they met with warm addresses respecting their
souls.――――But _now_ there was no need of using policy in order to get
an opportunity of conversing: for they were so touched with a sense
of their perishing state, as tamely to yield to the closest addresses,
respecting their sin and misery, and their need of an acquaintance with
the great Redeemer.
Monday, March 24. I numbered the Indians, to see how many souls God had
gathered together here, since my coming; and found there was now about
an _hundred and thirty_ persons, old and young. And sundry of those
that are my stated hearers, perhaps _fifteen_ or _twenty_, were absent
at this season. Whereas _few_ were together at my first coming into
these parts, the whole number not amounting to _ten_ persons.
My people going out this day to clear some of their lands about fifteen
miles distant, in order to their settling there together, where they
might attend the public worship of God, have their children schooled,
and at the same time have a conveniency for planting: I thought it
proper to call them together and shew them the duty of labouring with
faithfulness and industry; and that they must not now “be slothful
in business,” as they had ever been in their Pagan state. And having
given them directions for their work, and recommended them to God, I
dismissed them to their business. In the evening I read and expounded
the substance of the third chapter of the Acts. Numbers seemed to melt
under the word.――――When I asked them afterwards, whether they did not
now feel that their hearts were wicked? One replied, “Yes, she felt it
now.” Although before she came here she had said, “Her heart was not
wicked, and she never had done any thing that was bad in her life.” And
this indeed seems to be the case with them, universally in the Pagan
state. (And in the Christian too!)
They seem to have no _consciousness_ of sin and guilt, unless they can
charge themselves with some _gross acts_ of sin.
Monday, March 24. After the Indians were gone to their work, I got
alone and poured out my soul to God, that he would smile upon these
feeble beginners, and that he would settle an Indian town, that might
be a _mountain of holiness_; and found my soul much refreshed, and
much enlarged for Zion’s interest, and for numbers of dear friends
in particular. My sinking spirits were revived, and I felt animated
in the service God has called me to. This was the dearest hour I have
enjoyed for many days, if not weeks. I found an encouraging hope, that
something would be done for God, and that God would use and help me in
his work. And Oh how sweet were the thoughts of labouring for God, when
I had any hope that ever I should succeed.
[The next day, his _school-master_ was taken sick with a pleurisy;
and he spent great part of this week in tending him: which in his weak
state was almost too much for him: he being obliged constantly to wait
upon him, all day, from day to day, and to lie on the floor at night.]
March 29. In the evening I catechised as usual. Treating upon the
“benefits which believers receive from Christ’s death.”――――The
questions were answered with great readiness and propriety. And the
people of God, were sweetly melted in general. There appeared such a
liveliness and vigour in their attendance upon the word of God, and
such eagerness to be made partakers of the _benefits_ then mentioned,
that they seemed to be not only “looking for, but hastening to the
coming of the day of God.” Divine truths seemed to distil upon the
audience with a gentle, but melting efficacy, as the refreshing
“showers upon the new mown grass.” The assembly in general, as well
as those who appear truly religious, were affected with an account
of the blessedness of the godly at death: and most then discovered
an affectionate inclination to cry, “Let me die the death of the
righteous.”
March 31. I called my people together again, and discoursed to them
again on the necessity of their labouring industriously, in order to
their living together, and enjoying the means of grace. And having used
solemn prayer among them, I dismissed them to their work.
Numbers of them both (men and women) offered themselves willingly to
this service; and some appeared affectionately concerned that God might
go with them, and begin their _little town_ for them: that it might be
a place comfortable for them and theirs, in regard both of procuring
the necessaries of life, and attending the worship of God.
Wednesday, April 2. I was exercised with a spiritless frame of mind.
Alas! My days pass away as the _chaff_! It is but little I do, or can
do, that turns to any account; and it is my constant burden that I am
so fruitless in the vineyard of the Lord. Oh that I were _spirit_, that
I might be active for God. This more than any thing else, makes me long,
that “this corruptible might put on incorruption, and this mortal put
on immortality.” God deliver me from the clogs and fetters, and a body
of _death_, that impede my service for him.
Saturday, April 5.――After public worship, a number of my dear Christian
Indians came to my house; with whom I felt a sweet union of soul; my
heart was knit to them; I have not felt such a sweet and fervent _love
to the brethren_, for some time past: and I saw in them appearances of
the same love. This gave me something of a view of the heavenly state;
and particularly that part of the happiness of heaven, which consists
in the _communion of saints_.
Lord’s-day, April 6. I preached from Matthew vii. 21‒23. There were
considerable effects visible in the audience; an earnest attention,
a great solemnity, many tears and sighs. Divers were put upon close
examination of their spiritual slates, by hearing that “not every one
that saith to Christ, Lord, Lord, shall enter into his kingdom.” And
some of them expressed fears least they had deceived themselves, and
taken up a false hope, because they had done so little of the “will of
his Father who is in heaven.”
There was also one man brought under pressing concern for his soul;
which appeared more especially after his retirement from public worship.
And that which, he says, gave him the greatest uneasiness, was, not so
much any particular sin, as that he had never done the will of God at
_all_, and so had no claim to the kingdom of heaven.
In the afternoon I opened to them the _discipline_ of Christ in his
church, and the method in which _offenders_ are to be dealt with. At
this the religious people were much affected, especially when they
heard, that the offender continuing obstinate, must be esteemed “as
an Heathen man, that has no part or lot among God’s visible people.”
_This_ they seemed to have the most awful apprehensions of; a state of
Heathenism, out of which they were so lately brought, appearing very
dreadful to them.
After, public worship I visited sundry houses to see how they spent the
remainder of the sabbath, and to treat with them on the great concerns
of their souls; and the Lord seemed to smile upon my endeavours,
and to make these particular addresses more effectual than my public
discourses.
April 7. I endeavoured to open the institution, nature, and ends of
the Lord’s supper, as well as the qualifications necessary to the right
participation of it. Sundry persons seemed much affected with the love
of Christ in this provision for the comfort of his people, at a season
when himself was just entering upon his sharpest sufferings.
[On Tuesday, he went to a meeting of the Presbytery appointed at
Elisabeth’s-Town. In his way thither, he enjoyed some sweet meditations;
but after he came there, he was (as he expresses it) _under an awful
gloom_, that oppressed his mind. And this continued till Saturday
evening. He spent the sabbath at Staten island; where he preached to
an assembly of Dutch and English, and enjoyed considerable refreshment.
In the evening he returned to Elisabeth’s-Town.]
Monday, April 14. My spirits were refreshed, and my mind composed,
so that I was in a comfortable frame of soul, most of the day. In
the evening my head was clear, my mind serene; I enjoyed sweetness in
secret prayer and meditation. Oh, how free, how comfortable, chearful,
and yet solemn, do I feel when I am in a good measure freed from those
damps and melancholy glooms, that I often labour under!
*Tuesday, April 15. My soul longed for more spirituality: and it was my
burden, that I could do no more for God. Oh, my barrenness is my daily
affliction! Oh, how precious is time: and how it pains me to see it
slide away, while I do so very little to any good purpose! Oh that God
would make me more fruitful and spiritual!
Thursday, April 17. I enjoyed some comfort in prayer, some freedom in
meditation, and composure in my studies. In the evening I preached from
Psalms lxxiii. 28. “But it is good for me to draw near to God.” God
helped me to feel the truth of my text. I was enabled to pour out my
soul to God with great freedom, fervency, and affection: and to speak
with tenderness, and yet with faithfulness: and divine truths seemed
to fall with weight and influence upon the hearers. My heart was melted
for the dear assembly, and I loved every body in it; my soul cried, “Oh
that the dear creatures might be saved! O that God would have mercy on
them!”
Lord’s-day, April 20.¹ I enjoyed some freedom, and exercise of faith
and prayer, especially when I came to pray for Zion. I was free from
gloomy discouragement; and my soul rejoiced in the hopes of Zion’s
prosperity, and the enlargement of the kingdom of the great Redeemer.
¹ This day he entered into the 29th year of his age.
Monday, April 21. I was composed and comfortable most of the day; had
freedom in prayer, several times; especially for Zion’s enlargement and
prosperity. And Oh, how refreshing were these hopes to my soul! Oh that
the kingdom of the Lord might come.
Tuesday, April 22. My mind was remarkably free from melancholy damps,
and animated in my work, I found such vigour and resolution in the
service of God, that the _mountains_ seemed to become a _plain_ before
me. Oh, blessed be God for an interval of refreshment, and fervent
resolution in my Lord’s work! In the evening, my soul was refreshed in
secret prayer, and my heart drawn out for divine blessings; especially
for the church of God, for my own people, and for dear friends in
remote places. Oh that Zion might prosper, and precious souls be
brought home to God!
April 25. Having appointed the next Lord’s-day for the administration
of the Lord’s supper, this day was set apart for solemn fasting and
prayer, to implore the blessing of God upon our design; and to intreat
that his presence might be with us in our approach to his table.
The solemnity was observed, not only by those who proposed to
communicate, but by the whole congregation.――In the former part of the
day, I endeavoured to open to my people the nature of a _fast_, and
to instruct them in the duties of such a solemnity.――In the afternoon
I insisted upon the special reasons there were for our now engaging
in these solemn exercises; both in regard of the need we stood in
of divine assistance, in order to a due preparation for the sacred
ordinance; and in respect of the manifest decline of God’s work here,
as to the conviction and conversion of sinners.
The worship of God was attended with great solemnity and reverence,
with much tenderness and many tears, and there was some appearance of
divine power upon those who had been awakened some time before.
After repeated prayer, I led them to a solemn renewal of their
_baptismal covenant_, wherein they had explicitly given up themselves
to God, the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost, avouching him to be their
God; and at the same time renouncing their heathenish vanities, and
solemnly engaging to take the word of God for the _rule of their lives_,
promising to walk together in love, to watch over themselves, and one
another; to lead lives of seriousness and devotion, and to discharge
the _relative_ duties incumbent upon them.
This solemn transaction was attended with much seriousness; and at the
same time with the utmost readiness and chearfulness; and an union and
harmony of soul seemed to crown the whole.
April 26. I catechised those that designed to partake of the Lord’s
supper the next day, upon the institution, nature and end of that
ordinance; and had abundant satisfaction respecting their knowledge.
They likewise appeared, to have an affecting sense of the solemnity
of the ordinance, and to be humbled under a sense of their own
unworthiness; and earnestly concerned that they may be duly prepared
for an attendance upon it. Their hearts were full of love one toward
another, and this they seemed much concerned to maintain, and bring to
the Lord’s table with them.
I administered the Lord’s supper to _twenty-three_ Indians, (the number
of _men_ and _women_ being nearly equal,) divers others, to the number
of five or six, being now absent at the Forks of Delaware.
The ordinance was attended with great solemnity, and with the utmost
tenderness and affection. In the performance of the _sacramental_
actions, especially in the distribution of the _bread_, they seemed
to be affected in a most lively manner, as if “Christ had been”
really “crucified before them.” And the words of the institution, when
repeated, seemed to be entertained with the _same full_ and _firm_
belief and affectionate engagement of soul, as if the Lord Jesus Christ
himself had _personally_ spoken to them.
*Having rested some time after the administration of the _sacrament_,
I walked from house to house, and conversed particularly with most of
the _communicants_, and found they had been refreshed at the Lord’s
table “as with new wine.” And never did I see such an appearance of
_Christian love_ among any people. One might well have cried with an
agreeable surprize, “Behold how they love one another!”
Toward night I discoursed on the immediate design of Christ’s death,
“To redeem his people from all iniquity.”
This appeared to be a season of divine power. The religious were much
refreshed, and seemed remarkably tender, full of love, joy, peace, and
desires of being completely “redeemed from all iniquity.” Convictions
also appeared to be revived in many instances; and divers persons were
awakened whom I had never observed under any religious impressions
before.
_Such_ was the influence which attended our assembly, that it seemed
grievous to conclude the public worship. And the congregation when
♦dismissed, although it was then almost dark, appeared loth to leave
the place.
♦ “dismised” replaced with “dismissed”
April 28. I concluded the solemnity with a discourse upon John xiv. 15.
“If ye love me keep my commandments.” There appeared great tenderness
in the audience in general, but especially in the _communicants_.――――O
how free, how engaged and affectionate did _these_ appear in the
service of God! They seemed willing to have their “ears bored to the
door posts of God’s house,” and to be his servants for ever.
*Observing numbers in this excellent frame, I thought it proper to
improve this advantageous season, as Hezekiah did his great _passover_,
(2 Chronicles xxxi.) in order to promote the blessed reformation among
them: and accordingly proposed to them that they should _renewedly_
enter into covenant before God, to watch over themselves and one
another. And especially that they would watch against the sin of
_drunkenness_.――They chearfully complied and explicitly joined in that
covenant; whereupon I proceeded in the most solemn manner to call God
to _witness_ their sacred engagement; minded them of the greatness
of the guilt they would contract in the violation of it; and that God
would be a terrible _witness_ against those who should presume to do
so, in the “great and notable day of the Lord.”
*It was a season of amazing solemnity, and a _divine awe_ appeared upon
the face of the whole assembly! Affectionate sighs, and tears, were
frequent in the audience: and I doubt not but many silent cries were
sent up to the _fountain_ of grace, for grace to fulfil these solemn
engagements.
[On Tuesday he went to Elisabeth-Town, to the meeting of the Presbytery:
and spent the time in a free and comfortable state of mind.]
Saturday, May 3. I rode from Elisabeth-Town home to my people, near
Cranberry; whither they are removed, and where I hope God will settle
them as a Christian congregation. I was refreshed in lifting up my
heart to God, while riding; and enjoyed a thankful frame of spirit.
May 4. My people being now removed to their _lands_; I this day visited
them, and preached to them from Mark iv. 5. shewing the reason there
was to fear, lest many hopeful beginnings, might prove abortive, like
the “seed dropped upon stony places.”
May 5. I visited them again, and gave them directions relating to their
business.
I daily discover more and more of what importance it is, that they
become industrious, and able to raise the necessaries of life _within
themselves_; for their present method of living greatly exposes them to
temptations of various kinds.
*Wednesday, May 7. I spent most of the day in writing, and enjoyed
freedom in my work. I was favoured with comfortable meditations, this
day, and in the evening, was in a sweet composed frame of mind: pleased
and delighted to leave all with God, respecting myself, for time and
eternity, and respecting the people of my charge and dear friends:
I had no doubt but that God would take care of me, and of his own
interest among my people; and was enabled to use freedom in prayer,
as a child with a tender father.
*Thursday, May 8. In the evening I enjoyed a tender melting frame in
secret prayer, wherein my soul was drawn out for the interest of Zion,
and comforted with the lively hope of the appearing of the kingdom of
the great Redeemer. These were sweet moments: I felt loth to go to bed,
and grieved that sleep was necessary. However, I lay down with a tender
reverential fear of God, sensible that “his favour is life,” and his
smiles, infinitely better than life itself.
May 9. I preached in the open wilderness; the Indians having as yet no
house for public worship in this place, nor scarce any _shelter_ for
themselves.――――Divine truths made considerable impressions, and it was
a season of solemnity, tenderness, and affection.
I baptized this day, the ♦conjurer and murderer mentioned before, such
a remarkable instance of divine grace, that I cannot omit some brief
account of him.
♦ “conjuror” replaced with “conjurer”
He lived near, and sometimes attended me in the Forks of Delaware for
more than a year together; but was extremely attached to strong drink,
and seemed to be no ways reformed. In this time he likewise _murdered_
a young Indian, which threw him into a kind of _desperation_, so that
he kept from me, and refused to hear me preach for several months,
till I had an opportunity of conversing freely with him, and giving him
encouragement, that even his sin might be forgiven for Christ’s sake.
But that which was the worst was his _conjuration_. He was one of them
who are called _powwows_ among the Indians: and notwithstanding his
attendance upon my preaching, still followed his old _charms_, “giving
out that he himself was some great one, and to him they gave heed,”
supposing him to be possessed of a _great power_. So that when I have
instructed them respecting the _miracles_ wrought by Christ, and
mentioned them as evidences of his _divine_ mission, they have quickly
observed the wonders which this man performed by his _magic charms_;
which seemed to be a fatal obstruction to their receiving the gospel.
And I often thought, it would be a great favour to the Indians, if God
would take that wretch out of the world: but God, “whose thoughts are
not as man’s thoughts,” has been pleased to take a much more desirable
method; a method agreeable to his own merciful nature, advantageous to
his own interest among the Indians, as well as to the poor soul himself.
The first genuine concern for his soul was excited by seeing my
interpreter and his wife baptized at the Forks of Delaware, July 21,
1745. Which so prevailed upon him that he followed me down to
Crosweeksung in the beginning of August, and there continued for
several weeks in the season of the most powerful awakening among the
Indians; at which time he was more effectually awakened: and then,
he says, upon his “feeling the spirit of God in his heart,” (as he
expresses it) his spirit of conjuration left him entirely; that he
has had no more power of that nature since, than any other man. And he
declares that he does not so much as know how he used to _charm_ and
conjure; and that he could not do any thing of that nature, if he was
ever so desirous.
He continued under convictions all the fall, and former part of the
winter past, but was not so deeply exercised till January; and then the
word of God took such hold upon him, that he knew not what to do, or
where to turn.――He then told me, that when he used to hear me preach
from time to time in the fall of the year, my preaching pricked his
heart, but did not bring him to so _great_ distress, because he still
hoped he could do _something_ for his own relief: but now, he said, I
drove him up into “such a sharp corner,” that he had no way to turn.
He continued under the heavy burden of a _wounded spirit_, till he was
brought into the utmost _agony of soul_.
After this he was brought to a kind of calmness; he appeared perfectly
sedate; although he had no sure hope of salvation.
*I observed him remarkably composed, and asked him how he did? He
replied, “It is done, it is done, it is all done now.” I asked him what
he meant? He answered, “I can never do any more to save myself; it is
all done for ever, I can do no more.” I queried with him, whether he
could not do a _little_ more rather than to go to hell. He replied, “My
heart is dead, I can never help myself.” I asked him, what he thought
would become of him then? He answered, “I must go to hell.” I asked
him, if he thought it was right that God should send him to hell? He
replied, “O it is right. The devil has been in me ever since I was
born.” I asked him, if he felt this when he was in such great distress
the evening before? He answered, “No, I did not think it was right. I
thought God would send me to hell, and that I was then dropping into
it; but my heart quarrelled with God, and would not say it was _right_
he should send me there. But now I know it is right, for I have always
served the devil, and my heart has no goodness in it now, but it is
as bad as ever it was,”――I scarce ever saw any person more effectually
brought off from a dependence upon his own endeavours for salvation.
In this frame of mind he continued for several days, passing sentence
of condemnation upon himself, and constantly owning, that it would
be right he should be damned, and that he expected this would be his
portion. And yet it was plain he had a secret hope of mercy, which kept
him from pressing distress: so that instead of being sad and dejected,
his very countenance appeared pleasant and agreeable.
*It was remarkable in this season that he seemed to have a great love
to the people of God, and nothing ♦affected him so much as the thoughts
of being separated from them. This seemed to be a very dreadful part
of the hell he thought himself doomed to.――It was likewise remarkable,
that in this season he was most diligent in the use of all means for
his salvation; although he had the clearest view of the _insufficiency_
of means to afford him help.
♦ “effected” replaced with “affected” per Errata
*After he had continued in this frame of mind more than a _week_, while
I was discoursing publicly, he seemed to have a lively view of the
excellency of Christ, and the way of salvation by him, which melted him
into tears, and filled him with admiration, comfort, and praise to God;
since which he has appeared to be an humble, devout, and affectionate
Christian; serious and exemplary in his conversation and behaviour,
frequently complaining of his want of warmth, life, and activity, and
yet frequently favoured with quickening influences. And in all respects
he bears the marks of one “created anew in Christ Jesus.”
His zeal for the cause of God was pleasing to me, when he was with me
at the Forks of Delaware in February last. There being an old Indian
who threatened to _bewitch_ me and my people who accompanied me; _this_
man challenged him to do his worst, telling him, that himself had been
as great a _conjurer_ as he, and that notwithstanding as soon as he
felt that word in his heart which these people loved, his power of
conjuring immediately left him.――And so it would you, said he, if you
did but once feel it in your heart; and you have no power to touch one
of them.
Saturday, May 10. I rode to Allen’s-Town, to assist in the
administration of the Lord’s supper. In the afternoon I preached from
Titus ii. 14. God was pleased to carry me through with some freedom;
and yet to deny me that enlargement I longed for. In the evening my
soul mourned, that I had treated so excellent a subject in so defective
a manner. And if my discourse had met with the utmost applause from
all the world, it would not have given me any satisfaction: Oh, it
grieved me to think, that I had had no more holy warmth, that I had
been no more melted in discoursing of Christ’s death, and the design
of it! Afterwards, I enjoyed freedom and fervency in secret and family
prayer, and longed much for the presence of God to attend his word and
ordinances the next day.
Lord’s-day, May 11. I assisted in the administration of the Lord’s
supper; but enjoyed little enlargement. In the afternoon I went to
the house of God weak and sick in soul, as well as feeble in body: and
longed, that the people might be edified with divine truths, and that
an honest fervent testimony might be borne for God; but knew not how it
was possible for _me_ to do any thing of that kind, to any good purpose.
Yet God, who is rich in mercy, was pleased to give me assistance, both
in prayer and preaching: God helped me to wrestle for his presence in
prayer, and to tell him, that he had promised, “Where two or three are
met together in his name, there he would be in the midst of them;” and
pleaded, that for his truth’s sake he would be with us. And blessed be
God, it was sweet to my soul, thus to plead, and rely on God’s promises.
I discoursed upon Luke ix. 30. “And behold there talked with him two
men, which were Moses and Elias; who appeared in glory, and spake
of his decease, which he should accomplish at Jerusalem.” I enjoyed
special freedom, from the beginning to the end of my discourse. Things
pertinent to the subject were abundantly presented to my view; and such
a fullness of matter, that I scarce knew how to dismiss the various
heads I had occasion to touch upon. And, blessed be the Lord, I was
favoured with fervency and power, as well as freedom; so that the
word of God seemed to awaken the attention of a stupid audience, to a
considerable degree. I was inwardly refreshed with the consolations of
God; and could with my whole heart say, “Though there be no fruit in
the vine, &c. yet will I rejoice in the Lord.”
Friday, May 16. I enjoyed some agreeable conversation with a dear
minister, which was blessed to my soul; my heart was warmed, and my
soul engaged to live to God; so that I longed to exert myself with
more vigour, than ever I had done in his cause; and those words were
quickening to me, “Herein is my Father glorified, that ye bring forth
much fruit.” Oh, my soul longed, and wished, and prayed, to be enabled
to live to God with constancy and ardour! In the evening, God was
pleased to shine upon me in secret prayer, and draw out my soul after
himself: and I had freedom in supplication for myself, but much more
in intercession for others: so that I was sweetly constrained to
say, “Lord, use me as thou wilt; do as thou wilt with me: but Oh,
promote thine own cause! Zion is thine; Oh visit thine heritage! Oh
let thy kingdom come! Oh let thy blessed interest be advanced in the
world!” When I attempted to look to God, respecting my settling in my
congregation, which seems to be necessary, and yet contrary to my fixed
intention for years past, as well as my disposition, which has been,
and still is, to spend my life in preaching the gospel from place to
place, and gathering souls _afar off_ to Jesus the great Redeemer; when
I attempted to look to God with regard to these things, I could only
say, “The will of the Lord be done: it is no matter for me.”
*The same frame of mind I felt with respect to another important affair
I have lately had some serious thoughts of: I could say, with the
utmost calmness and composure, “Lord, if it be most for thy glory, let
me proceed in it: but if thou seest that it will in any wise hinder my
usefulness in thy cause, Oh prevent my proceeding: for all I want, is
such circumstances as may best capacitate me to do service for God in
the world.” Oh, how sweet was this evening to my soul! I knew not how
to go to bed; and when got to bed, longed for some way to employ time
for God to some excellent purpose.
Saturday, May 17. I walked out in the morning, and felt much of the
same frame I enjoyed the evening before: had my heart enlarged in
praying for the advancement of the kingdom of Christ, and found the
utmost freedom in leaving all my concerns with God.
*I find _discouragement_ to be an exceeding _hindrance_ to my spiritual
fervency and affection: but when God enables me to find that I have
done something for him, this animates me, so that I could break through
all hardships, undergo any labours, and nothing seems too much either
to do or suffer. But Oh, what a death it is, to strive, and strive;
to be always in a _hurry_, and yet do _nothing_. Alas, alas, that time
flies away, and I do so little for God!
Lord’s-day, May 18. I felt my own utter insufficiency for my work:
God made me to see, that I was a child; yea, that I was a fool. I
discoursed both parts of the day, from Revelation iii. 20. “Behold I
stand at the door, and knock.” God gave me freedom and power in the
latter part of my (forenoon’s) discourse, although in the former part
of it, I felt peevish and provoked with the unmannerly behaviour of the
_white_ people, who crouded in between my people and me. But blessed
be God I got those shackles off before the middle of my discourse, and
was favoured with a sweet frame of spirit in the latter part of the
exercise: was full of love, warmth, and tenderness, in addressing my
dear people.――In the intermission-season I could not but discourse
to my people on the kindness and patience of Christ in _standing_ and
_knocking at the door_.――In the evening, I was grieved that I had done
so little for God. Oh that I could be _a flame of fire_ in the service
of my God!
♦*Thursday, May 22. In the evening I was in a frame somewhat remarkable:
I had apprehended for several days, that it was a design of providence
I should _settle_ among my people; and had in my own mind began to make
provision for it: and yet was never quite pleased with the thoughts of
being confined to one place. Nevertheless I seemed to have some freedom,
because the congregation was one that God had enabled me to gather
from among Pagans. For I never could feel any freedom to “enter into
other men’s labour,” and settle where the “gospel was preached before;”
God has never given me any liberty in that respect, either since or
for some years before I began to preach. But God having succeeded my
labours, in gathering a church among these Indians, I was ready to
think, it might be his design to give me a quiet settlement. And this,
considering the late frequent failure of my spirits, and the need I
stood in of some agreeable society, and my great desire of enjoying
conveniencies for profitable studies, was not altogether disagreeable
to me. And although I still wanted to go about far and wide, in order
to spread the blessed gospel among benighted souls: yet I never had
been so willing to settle for more than five years past, as I was
in the foregoing part of this week. But now these thoughts seemed to
be wholly dashed to pieces; not by necessity, but of choice: for it
appeared to me, that God’s dealings towards me had fitted me for a life
of solitariness and hardship; it appeared to me I had nothing to do
with earth, and consequently nothing to lose, by a total renunciation
of it: and it appeared just right, that I should be destitute of house
and home, and many comforts, which I rejoiced to see others of God’s
people enjoy. The same time I saw so much the excellency of Christ’s
kingdom, and the infinite desirableness of its advancement in the world,
that it swallowed up all my other thoughts; and made me willing to be
a pilgrim or hermit in the wilderness, to my dying moment, if I might
thereby promote the blessed interest of the great Redeemer. And if ever
my soul presented itself to God for his service, without any reserve of
any kind, it did so now. The language of my thoughts (although I spake
no words) now was, “_Here I am, Lord, send me_: send me to _the ends of
the earth_; send me to the rough, the savage Pagans of the wilderness;
send me from all that is called comfort in earth! send me even to death
itself, if it be but in thy service, and to promote thy kingdom.” And
at the same time I had as quick and lively a sense of the value of
worldly comforts, as ever I had; but saw them infinitely overmatched
by the worth of Christ’s kingdom, and the propagation of his blessed
gospel. The quiet settlement, the certain place of abode, the tender
friendship, which I thought I might be likely to enjoy, appeared as
valuable to me, considered absolutely, as ever before: but considered
comparatively, they appeared nothing; compared with an enlargement of
Christ’s kingdom, they vanished like the stars before the rising sun.
And the comfortable accommodations of life appeared valuable, yet I did
surrender myself, soul and body, to the service of God, and promotion
of Christ’s kingdom; though it should be in the loss of them all. I
was constrained, and yet chose to say, “Farewell, friends and earthly
comforts, the dearest of them all, if the Lord calls for it; adieu,
adieu; I’ll spend my life to my latest moments, _in caves and dens
of the earth_, if the kingdom of Christ may thereby be advanced.” I
found extraordinary freedom at this time in pouring out my soul to God,
for his cause; and especially that his kingdom might be extended among
the Indians; and I had a strong hope that God would do it. I continued
wrestling with God in prayer for my dear little flock here; and more
especially for the Indians elsewhere; as well as for dear friends in
one place and another; till it was bed-time, and I feared I should
hinder the family. But Oh, with what reluctancy did I find myself
obliged to consume time in sleep! I longed to be as a _flame of fire_,
continually glowing in the divine service, preaching and building up
Christ’s kingdom, to my latest, my dying moment.
♦ asterisk added per Errata
Friday, May 23. In the morning I was in the same frame of mind. The
glory of Christ’s kingdom so much outshone the pleasure of earthly
accommodations and enjoyments, that they appeared comparatively nothing.
My soul was melted in secret, and I found myself ♦divorced from any
part in this world so that in those affairs that seemed of the greatest
importance, in the present life, and those wherein the tender powers
of the mind are most sensibly touched, I could only say, “The will of
the Lord be done.” Just the same that I felt the evening before, I now
felt the same freedom in prayer for the people of my charge, for the
propagation of the gospel among the Indians, for the enlargement of
Zion in general, and my dear friends in particular; and longed to burn
out in one continued flame for God. If ever I filled up a day with
study and devotion, I was enabled to fill up this day.
♦ “devorced” replaced with “divorced”
Lord’s-day, May 25. There was some degree of divine power attending
the word of God. Sundry wept and appeared considerably affected: and
one who had long been under spiritual trouble, obtained clearness and
comfort, and appeared to “rejoice in God her Saviour.”
I have reason to hope, that God has lately brought home to himself
sundry souls who had long been under spiritual trouble: though there
have been but few instances of persons lately awakened. And those
comforted of late, seem to be brought in, in a more _silent_ way,
neither their concern nor consolation being so _remarkable_, as
appeared among those wrought upon in the beginning.
June 6. I discoursed to my people from part of Isaiah liii.――――The
divine presence appeared to be among us. Divers persons were much
melted and refreshed; and one man in particular, was now brought to see
and feel, in a very lively manner, the impossibility of his doing any
thing to help himself, or bring him into the favour of God by his tears,
prayers, and other religious performances.
Saturday, June 7. I rode to Freehold to assist Mr. Tennent in the
administration of the Lord’s supper. In the afternoon I preached, God
gave me freedom and warmth in my discourse: and his presence was in the
assembly. I was composed, and enjoyed a thankful frame of spirit; and
my soul was grieved that I could not render something to God for his
benefits. O that I could be swallowed up in his praise.
Lord’s-day, June 8. I was agreeably entertained in the forenoon by
a discourse from Mr. Tennent. In the season of communion, I enjoyed
comfort; it was a _time of refreshing_ to me, and to many others. A
number of my dear people sat down by themselves at the last table; at
which time God seemed to be in the midst of them.――――And the thoughts
of what God had done among them were refreshing to me. In the afternoon,
God enabled me to preach with uncommon freedom. Through the goodness
of God, I was favoured with a constant flow of matter, and proper
expressions. In the evening I could not but rejoice in God, and bless
him for the manifestations of grace in the day past. Oh it was a sweet
and solemn day! A season of comfort to the godly, and of awakening to
other souls.
Monday, June 9. I preached the concluding sermon from Genesis v. 24.
“And Enoch walked with God.” God gave me enlargement and fervency in
my discourse; so that I was enabled to speak with plainness and power.
Praised be the Lord, it was a sweet meeting. I found my strength
renewed, even to a wonder; so that I felt much stronger at the
conclusion than in the ♦beginning. I have great reason to bless God for
this solemnity, wherein I have found assistance in addressing others,
and sweetness in my own soul.
♦ “begining” replaced with “beginning”
To-day a considerable number of my people met together early in the
_woods_, and prayed, sang, and conversed of divine things; and were
seen by some of the white people to be affected, and divers of them
in tears.
Afterwards they attended the concluding exercises of the sacramental
solemnity, and then returned home, “rejoicing for all the goodness of
God” they had seen and felt: so that this was a profitable, as well as
a comfortable season to many of my congregation.
Friday, June 13.――I came away rejoicing and blessing God for his grace
manifested at this season. The same day I baptized _five_ persons,
three adults and two children. One of these was the very _aged woman_
of whom I gave an account in my journal of December 26. She now gave me
a very punctual, rational, and satisfactory account of the remarkable
change she experienced some months after the beginning of her concern.
And although she was become so childish through old age that I could do
nothing in a way of questioning with her; yet, when I let her alone to
go on with her own story, she could give a very distinct relation of
the various exercises of soul she had experienced; so deep were the
impressions left upon her mind by that influence she had been under!
And I have great reason to hope, she is _born anew_ in her old age,
being, upwards of _fourscore_.
Saturday, June 14. I rode to Kingston, to assist the Rev. Mr. Wales in
the administration of the Lord’s-supper. In the afternoon I preached;
but almost fainted in the pulpit: yet God strengthened me when I was
just gone, and enabled me to speak his word with freedom, fervency,
and application to the conscience. And praised be the Lord: “out of
weakness I was made strong.” I enjoyed sweetness, in and after public
worship; but was extremely tired. Oh, how many are the mercies of the
Lord! “To them that have no might, he increaseth strength.”
Lord’s-day, June 15. I was dejected so that I could not hold up my head.
Yet I administered the Lord’s-supper at Mr. Wales’s desire: and found
myself in a good measure relieved of my pressing load, when I came to
ask a blessing on the elements; here God gave me enlargement, and a
tender affectionate sense of spiritual things: so that it was a season
of comfort to me, and I trust more so to others. In the afternoon I
preached to a vast multitude from Revelation xxii. 17. God helped me
to offer a testimony for himself, and to leave sinners inexcusable.
I was enabled to speak with such freedom, fluency, and clearness, as
commanded the attention of the great. I was extremely tired in the
evening but enjoyed composure and sweetness.
Monday, June 16. I preached again; and God helped me amazingly, so that
this was a refreshing season to my soul and others. For ever blessed
be God for help, when my body was so weak, and there was so large an
assembly.
June 19. I visited my people with two of the reverend correspondents:
I spent some time in conversation with them upon spiritual things; and
took care of their worldly concerns.
This day makes up a complete year from the first time of my preaching
to these Indians in New-Jersey.――――What amazing things has God wrought
in this time for these poor people! What a surprising change appears
in their tempers and behaviour! How are savage Pagans transformed
into affectionate, and humble Christians! And their drunken and pagan
howlings, turned into fervent prayers and praises to God! They “who
were sometimes darkness, are now become light in the Lord.” May they
walk as children of the light, and of the day. And now to him that is
of power to establish them according to the gospel.――――To God only wise,
be glory, through Jesus Christ, for ever and ever! Amen.
Before I conclude, I would make a few _general remarks_ upon what to me
appears worthy of notice.
And, _first_, I cannot but take notice that I have ever since my first
coming among the Indians, been favoured with that assistance, which (to
me) is _uncommon_, in preaching _Christ crucified_, and making him the
_center_ and _mark_ to which all my discourses were directed.
*It was the principal scope of all my discourses for several months,
(after having taught the people something of the being and perfections
of God, his creation of man in a state of rectitude and happiness, and
the obligations mankind were thence under to love and honour him,) to
lead them into an acquaintance with their deplorable state by nature:
their inability to deliver themselves from it: the utter insufficiency
of any external reformation, or of any religious performances, to bring
them into the favour of God. And thence to shew them their absolute
need of Christ to save them from the misery of their fallen state.――To
open his all-sufficiency and willingness to save the chief of
sinners.――The _freeness_ and _riches_ of his grace, proposed “without
money, and without price.”――And thereupon to press them _without delay_
to betake themselves to him, under a sense of their misery and undone
estate, for relief and everlasting salvation.――――And to shew them
the abundant encouragement the gospel proposes to, perishing, helpless
sinners, so to do.
*And I have often remarked, that whatever subject I have been upon,
after having explained the truths contained therein, I have been
_naturally_ and _easily_ led to Christ as the _substance_ of every
one. If I treated on the being and glorious perfections of God, I was
thence _naturally_ led to discourse of Christ as the only “way to the
Father.”――If I attempted to open the misery of our fallen state, it was
natural from thence to shew the necessity of Christ to undertake for
us, to atone for our sins, and to redeem us from the power of them.――If
I taught the commands of God, and shewed our violation of them, this
brought me in the most easy way, to speak of the Lord Jesus Christ,
as one who had “magnified the law” we had broken, and who was “become
the end of it for righteousness, to every one that believes.” And never
did I find so much freedom and assistance in making all the various
lines of my discourses meet together, and center in Christ, as I have
frequently done among these Indians.
*I have frequently been enabled to represent the divine glory, the
infinite preciousness and transcendent loveliness of the great Redeemer;
the suitableness of his person and purchase to supply the wants, and
answer the utmost desires of immortal souls.――To open the infinite
riches of his grace, and the wonderful encouragement proposed in the
gospel to unworthy, helpless sinners.――To call, invite, and beseech
them to come and give up themselves to him, and be reconciled to God
through him.――To expostulate with them respecting their neglect of
one so infinitely lovely, and freely offered.――And _this_ in _such
a manner_, with such freedom, pertinency, pathos, and application to
the conscience, as I never could have made myself master of by the
most assiduous application. And I have often at such seasons been
surprisingly helped in adapting my discourses to the _capacities_ of
my people, and bringing them down into such easy, vulgar, and familiar
methods of expression, as has rendered them intelligible even to Pagans.
_Secondly_, It is worthy of remark, that numbers of these people
are brought to a strict compliance with the rules of _morality_ and
_sobriety_, and to a conscientious performance of the _external duties_
of Christianity; without their having them frequently inculcated upon
them.
God was pleased to give the grand gospel truths such a powerful
influence upon their minds, that their lives ♦were quickly reformed,
without repeated harangues upon _external_ duties. There was indeed
no room for any discourses but those that respected the _essentials_
of religion, and the _experimental_ knowledge of divine things, while
there were so many inquiring daily, not how they should regulate
their _external_ conduct; but how they should escape from the wrath
to come――obtain an _effectual change of heart_, and get an interest in
Christ.――So that my _great work_ still was to lead them into a further
view of their total depravity: to shew that there was no goodness in
them: no good dispositions or desires; no love to God, or delight in
his commands; but, on the contrary, hatred, enmity, and all manner of
wickedness.――And at the same time to open to them the glorious remedy
provided in Christ for helpless perishing sinners, and offered freely
to those who have no goodness of their own, no “works of righteousness,”
to recommend them to God.
♦ “werely” replaced with “were”
When these truths were felt _at heart_, there was no vice unreformed,
――no external duty neglected.――――Drunkenness, the darling vice, was
broken off, and scarce an instance of it known for months together.
The practice of _husbands_ and _wives_ in putting away each other,
and taking others, was quickly reformed. The same might be said of
all other vices.――――The reformation was general; from the _internal_
influence of divine truths upon their hearts; and not because they had
heard these vices particularly exposed, and repeatedly spoken against.
*So that experience, as well as the word of God, and the example of
Christ and his apostles, have taught me, that the preaching, which
is best suited to awaken in mankind a lively apprehension of their
depravity and misery,――to excite them earnestly to seek after a change
of heart, and to _fly for refuge_ to Christ, as the only _hope set
before them_, is most _successful_ toward the reformation of their
external conduct.――I have found that close applications of divine truth
to the conscience, strike death to the root of all vice; while smooth
harangues upon _moral virtues_ and _external duties_, at best only lop
off the _branches_ of corruption.
I do not intend to represent the preaching of _morality_, and pressing
persons to the _external_ performance of duty, to be unnecessary _at
any time_; especially when there is less of divine power attending
the means of grace.――It is doubtless among the things that “ought
to be done,” while “others are not to be left undone.”――But what I
principally design is a plain matter of fact, viz. That the external
compliance with the rules of Christianity, appearing among my people,
is not the effect of any _merely_ rational view of the beauty of
_morality_, but of the internal influence that divine truths have had
upon their hearts.
_Thirdly_, It is remarkable, that God has so continued and renewed the
showers of his grace: so quickly set up his kingdom among these people;
and so smiled upon them in their acquirement of knowledge, both divine
and human. It is now near a year since the beginning of this gracious
out-pouring of the divine Spirit; and although it has often seemed
to decline for some short time, yet the work of grace revived again:
so that a divine influence seems still to attend the means of grace,
in a greater or less degree: whereby religious persons are refreshed,
strengthened, and established,――convictions revived and promoted in
many,――and some newly awakened from time to time. Although it must
be acknowledged, that for some time past, there has appeared a more
manifest decline of this work. But (blessed be God) there is still
an appearance of divine power, a desirable degree of tenderness, and
devotion in our assemblies.
And as God has continued the showers of his grace among this people;
so he has with uncommon _quickness_ set up his kingdom in the midst
of them. I have now baptized, since the conclusion of my last journal,
thirty persons, fifteen adults, and fifteen children. Which added
to the number there mentioned, makes seventy-seven persons; whereof
thirty-eight are adults and thirty-nine children: and all within the
space of eleven months past.――And I have baptized no adults, but such
as appeared to have a work of grace in their hearts: such as have
experienced not only the awakening, but the renewing and comforting
influences of the divine Spirit. Much of the goodness of God has
appeared in their acquirement of knowledge, both in religion and
in common life. There has been a wonderful thirst after _Christian
knowledge_ among them, and an eager desire of being instructed. This
has moved them to ask many pertinent as well as important questions.
Many of the doctrines I have delivered, they have queried with me
about, in order to gain further light into them: and from time to
time manifested a good understanding of them, by their answers to the
questions proposed.
They have likewise appeared remarkably apt in learning to sing psalms,
and are now able to sing well.
They have also acquired a considerable degree of knowledge in the
affairs of common life: so that they now appear like _rational_
creatures, fit for human society, free from that savage roughness and
brutish stupidity, which they had in their Pagan state.
And as they are desirous of instruction, and surprisingly apt in the
reception of it, so divine providence has smiled upon them in regard of
_proper means_ in order to it.――The attempts made for a _school_ among
them have succeeded, and they have a _school-master_, of whom I may
justly say, I know of “no man like-minded, who will naturally care for
their state.”
He has generally thirty or thirty-five children in his school: and when
he kept an ♦evening-school (as he did in the long evenings), he had
fifteen or twenty people, married and single.
♦ “evening” replaced with “evening-school” per Errata
The children learn with surprising readiness; so that their master
tells me, he never had an English school that learned, in general,
near so fast. There were not above two in thirty, although some of
them were very small, but what learned to know all the _letters_ in
the _alphabet_ distinctly, within three days, and divers in that space
learned to _spell_ considerably; and some of them since the beginning
of February last (at which time the school was set up) have learned so
much, that they are able to read in a _Psalter_ or _Testament_ without
spelling.
They are instructed in the duty of secret prayer; and most of them
constantly attend it night and morning, and are very careful to inform
their master if they apprehend any of their little school-mates neglect
it.
_Fourthly._ It is worthy to be noted, that amidst _so great_ a work of
conviction,――so much concern and religious affection, there has been
no _prevalency_, nor indeed any considerable _appearance_ of _false
religion_, or heats of imagination, intemperate zeal, and spiritual
pride; (which corrupt mixtures too often attend the revival of religion)
and that there have been so very few instances of scandalous behaviour.
The religious concern that persons have been under, has generally
been _rational_ and _just_: arising from a _sense_ of their sins,
and the divine displeasure on the account of them; as well as their
utter inability to deliver themselves from the misery they felt and
feared.――And it is remarkable, although the concern of many persons
has been very great and pressing, yet I have never seen any thing like
_despair_ attending it in any one instance: whence it is apparent,
there is not that danger of persons being driven into despair under
_spiritual trouble_, (unless in cases of melancholy,) that the world
is ready to imagine.
The _comfort_ persons have obtained after their distresses, has
likewise in general appeared solid, ♦well-grounded, and scriptural;
arising from a spiritual and _supernatural illumination_ of mind,――a
view of divine things _as they are_, a complacency of soul in the
divine perfections,――and a peculiar satisfaction in the _way of
salvation_, by the great Redeemer.
♦ “well-grouned” replaced with “well-grounded”
*Their joys have seemed to rise from a variety of views of divine
things, although for substance the same.
Some have at first appeared to rejoice, especially in the _wisdom_ of
God, discovered in the way of salvation by Christ; it then appearing
to them “a new way,” a way they had never any just conception of,
until opened to them by the divine Spirit. And some of them, upon a
_spiritual_ view of this way of salvation, have wondered at their past
folly in seeking salvation other ways, and have admired that they never
saw _this_ way of salvation before, which now appeared so _plain_ and
_easy_.
Others have had a more _general_ view of the excellency of Christ,
being delighted with an apprehension of his glory, as unspeakably
exceeding _all_ they had ever conceived before; yet without singling
out (as it were) any one of the divine perfections in particular.
*What the Indians notions of God are, in their Pagan state, is hard to
determine. I have taken much pains to enquire of my Christian people,
whether they, before their acquaintance with Christianity, imagined
there was a _plurality_ of great invisible powers, or whether they
supposed but _one_ such being, and worshipped him in a variety of
shapes: but cannot learn any thing of them so distinct as to be fully
satisfying upon the point. Their notions in that state were so dark and
confused, that they seem not to know what they thought themselves. But
so far as I can learn, they had a notion of a plurality of invisible
_deities_, and paid some kind of homage to them promiscuously, under a
great variety of shapes. And it is certain those who yet remain Pagans
pay some kind of superstitious reverence to beasts, birds, fishes,
and even reptiles; that is, some to one kind of animal, and some to
another. They do not indeed suppose a divine power _essential_ to these
creatures, but that some invisible beings (I cannot learn that it is
always one) communicate to these animals a _great power_, either one
or other of them, (just as it happens) and so make these creatures the
immediate authors of good to certain persons. Whence such a creature
becomes _sacred_ to the persons to whom he is supposed to be the
immediate author of good, and through him they must worship the
invisible powers, though to others he is no more than another creature.
And perhaps another animal is looked upon to be the immediate author
of good to _another_, and consequently _he_ must worship the invisible
powers in that animal. And I have known a Pagan burn fine tobacco for
incense, in order to appease the anger of that invisible power which
he supposed presided over _rattle-snakes_, because one of these animals
was killed by another Indian near his house.
But I find, that in ancient times, before the coming of the white
people, some supposed there was _four_ invisible powers, who presided
over the four corners of the earth. Others imagined the _sun_ to be
the _only_ deity, and that all things were made by him: others had a
confused notion of a certain _body_ or fountain of _deity_, somewhat
like the _anima mundi_, so frequently mentioned by the learned Heathens,
diffusing itself to various animals, and even to inanimate things,
making them the immediate authors of good to certain persons. But after
the coming of the white people they seemed to suppose there were three
deities, and three only, because they saw people of three different
kinds of complexion, _viz._ English, Negroes and themselves.
It is a notion generally prevailing among them, that it was not the
same _God_ made them, who made us; but that they were made after the
white people. And they suppose their God gained some special skill by
seeing the white people made, and so made _them_ better: for they look
upon themselves, and their methods of living, (which they say, their
god expressly prescribed) as vastly preferable to the white people,
and their methods. And hence they will frequently sit and laugh at them
as being good for nothing but to fatigue themselves, with hard labour;
while _they_ enjoy the satisfaction of stretching themselves on the
ground, and sleeping as much as they please; and have no other trouble
than now and then to chase the deer. Hence, many of them look upon
it as disgraceful for them to become Christians, as Christians do
to become a Pagan: and though they suppose our religion will do well
enough for us, because prescribed by our God, yet it is no ways proper
for them, because not of the same original.
*They seem to have some confused notion of a future state, and many
of them imagine that the _chichang_, (_i. e._ the shadow,) or what
survives the body, will at death go _southward_, and in an unknown
but curious place, will enjoy some kind of happiness, such as hunting,
feasting, dancing. And what they suppose will contribute much to their
happiness in that state is, that they shall never be weary of those
entertainments.
Some of them have some faint notion of _rewards_ and _punishments_,
or at least of _happiness_ and _misery_ in a future state; others
seem to know no such thing. Those that suppose this, imagine that most
will ♦be happy, and those that are not so, will be punished only with
_privation_, being excluded the walls of that good world where happy
souls shall dwell.
♦ “he” replaced with “be”
These rewards and punishments they suppose to depend entirely upon
their behaviour towards mankind, and not to have any reference to God.
I once consulted a very ancient Indian upon this point, whether the
Indians of old times had supposed there was any thing of the man that
would survive the body? He replied yes. I asked him, further, whether
it would be happy there? He answered, after some considerable pause,
that the souls of good folks would be happy, and the souls of _bad_
folks miserable. I then asked who he called _bad folks_? His answer
was, those who lie, steal, quarrel with their neighbours, are unkind
to their friends, and especially to aged parents, and in a word are but
a plague to mankind. These were his bad folks; but not a word was said
of their neglect of divine worship, and their badness in that respect.
They have indeed some kind of worship, are frequently offering
_sacrifices_ to some invisible powers, and are ready to impute their
calamities in the present world, to the neglect of these sacrifices;
but there is no appearances of reverence and devotion in the homage
they pay them; and what they do of this nature seems to be done only
to appease the anger of their deities, to engage them to do them no
hurt, or at most only to invite these _powers_ to succeed them in those
enterprises they are engaged in. So that in offering these sacrifices,
they seem to have no reference to a future state. And they imagine,
that those they call _bad folks_, are excluded from the company of good
people in that state, not so much because God is determined to punish
them for their sins of any kind, as because they would render others
unhappy if admitted to dwell with them. So that they are excluded
rather of _necessity_, than by God acting as a _righteous judge_.
They give much heed to _dreams_, because they suppose the invisible
powers give them directions therein. They are likewise much attached
to the traditions of their fathers, who have informed them of divers
miracles anciently wrought. *They also mention some wonderful things
which, they say, have happened since the memory of some who are now
living. One affirmed to me, that himself had once been dead four days,
that most of his friends were gathered together to his funeral, and
that he should have been buried, but that some of his relations were
not arrived, before whose coming he came to life again. In this time,
he says, he went to the place where the sun _rises_, (imagining the
earth to be plain,) and directly over that place, at a great height
in the air, he was admitted, he says, into a great house, which he
supposes was several miles in length, and saw many wonderful things.
What increases their aversion to Christianity is the influence their
_powwows_ have upon them. These are supposed to have a power of
_foretelling future events_, _of recovering the sick_, and of _charming
persons to death_. Probably a satanical imitation of the spirit of
prophecy that the church in early ages possessed.
I have laboured to gain some acquaintance with this affair, and have
for that end consulted the man mentioned in my journal of May 9, who,
since his conversion to Christianity, has endeavoured to give me the
best intelligence he could of this matter. But it seems to be such a
_mystery of iniquity_, that I cannot well understand it; and, so far as
I can learn, he himself has not any clear notions of the thing, now his
spirit of divination is gone from him. However the manner in which he
says he obtained this spirit was, *he was admitted into the presence
of a great man, who informed him, that he loved, pitied, and desired
to do him good. It was not in this world that he saw the great man, but
in a world above at a vast distance from this. The great man, he says,
was cloathed with the day; yea, with the brightest day he ever saw; a
day of many years, yea, of everlasting ♦continuance! This whole world,
he says, was drawn upon him, so that in him, the earth, and all things
in it, might be seen. I asked him, if rocks, mountains, and seas was
drawn upon, or appeared in him? He replied, that every thing that was
beautiful and lovely in the earth was upon him, and might be seen by
looking on him, as well as if one was on the earth to take a view of
them there. By the side of the great man, he says, stood his shadow
or spirit. This shadow, he says, was as lovely as the man himself,
and filled all places, and was most agreeable as well as wonderful to
him.――Here he says, he tarried some time, and was unspeakably delighted
with a view of the great man, of his shadow or spirit, and of all
things in him. And what is most of all astonishing, he imagines all
this to have passed before he was born. He never had been, he says, in
this world at that time. And what confirms him in the belief of this,
is, that the great man told him, that he must come down to earth, be
born of _such_ a woman, meet with _such_ and _such_ things, and in
particular, that he should once in his life be guilty of _murder_. At
this he was displeased, and told the great man, he would never murder.
But the great man replied, “I have said it, and it shall be so.” Which
has accordingly happened. At this time, he says, the great man asked
him what he would chuse in life. He replied, first to be a _hunter_,
and afterwards to be a _powwow_ or _diviner_. Whereupon the great man
told him, he should have what he desired, and that his _shadow_ should
go along with him down to earth, and be with him for ever. There was,
he says, all this time no words spoken between them. The conference
was not carried on by any _human_ language, but they had a kind of
mental intelligence of each other’s thoughts. After this, he says, he
saw the great man no more; but supposes he came down to earth to be
born, but the spirit or shadow of the great man still attended him, and
ever after continued to appear to him in dreams and other ways, until
he felt the power of God’s word upon his heart; since which it has
entirely left him.
♦ “countenance” replaced with “continuance” per Errata
*This spirit, he says, used to direct him in dreams to go to such
a place and hunt, assuring him he should meet with success, which
accordingly proved so. And when he had been there some time, the spirit
would order him to another place. So that he had success in hunting,
according to the great man’s promise.
*There were some times when this spirit came upon him in a _special_
manner, and he was full of what he saw in the great man. And then,
he says, he was _all light_, and not only _light_ himself, but it was
light all _around him_, so that he could see through men, and knew the
thoughts of their hearts. These _depths of Satan_ I leave to others
to fathom, and cannot guess what conceptions of things these creatures
have at the times when they call themselves _all light_. But my
interpreter tells me, that he heard one of them tell a certain Indian
the secret thoughts of his heart. The case was this; the Indian was
bitten with a snake, and was in extreme pain. Whereupon the _diviner_
(who was applied to) told him, that at _such a time_ he had promised,
the next deer he killed he would sacrifice it to some _great power_,
but had broken his promise. And now, said he, that great power has
ordered this snake to bite you for your neglect. The Indian confessed
it was so, but said he had never told any body of it. But as _Satan_,
no doubt, excited the Indian to make that promise, it was no wonder he
should be able to communicate the matter to the conjurer.
[On Friday and Saturday, he was very much amiss; but yet preached to
his people on Saturday. His illness continued on the sabbath; but he
preached notwithstanding, both parts of the day; and after the public
worship, endeavoured to apply divine truths to the consciences of some,
addressing them personally: several were in tears, and some appeared
much affected. But he was extremely wearied with the service, and was
so ill at night, that he could have no rest; but remarks, that “God was
his support.” On Monday, he continued very ill; but calm and composed,
resigned to the divine dispensations.]
Lord’s-day, June 29. I preached both parts of the day. God was pleased
to afford me both freedom and power; in both exercises. God’s people
were refreshed and melted with divine things; one or two comforted,
who had been long under distress; convictions, in divers instances,
powerfully revived; and one man in years much awakened, who had not
long frequented our meeting, and appeared before as stupid as a stock.
God amazingly renewed my strength. I was so spent at noon, that I could
scarce walk, and all my joints trembled; so that I could not sit, nor
so much as hold my hand still: and yet God strengthened me to preach
with power in the afternoon. I spent some time afterwards in conversing
particularly, with several persons. I prayed afterwards with a sick
child, and gave a word of exhortation, and returned home with more
health than I went out; although my linen was wringing wet upon me,
from a little after ten in the morning, till past five in the afternoon.
My spirits also were considerably refreshed; and my soul rejoiced in
hope, that I had through grace done something for God. In the evening I
walked out, and enjoyed a sweet season in secret prayer and praise. Oh,
for spirituality and holy fervency, that I might _spend and be spent_
for God to my latest moment!
[On Wednesday he went to Newark, to a meeting of the Presbytery. The
remaining part of the week he spent there, and at Elisabeth-Town.]
*Monday, July 7. My spirits were considerably refreshed. There is no
comfort, I find, in any enjoyment, without enjoying God, and being
engaged in his service. In the evening I had the most agreeable
conversation that ever I remember in all my life, upon God’s being _all
in all_, and all enjoyments being just _that_ to us which God makes
them, and no more. It is good to begin and end with God.
Saturday, July 12. This day was spent in fasting and prayer by my
congregation, as preparatory to the sacrament. I discoursed, both parts
of the day. God gave me assistance in my discourses, and divine power
attended the word; so that this was an agreeable season. Afterwards I
led them to a solemn renewal of their covenant, and fresh dedication of
themselves to God. This was a season both of solemnity and sweetness,
and God was in the midst of us.
Lord’s-day, July 13. I administered the sacrament of the Lord’s supper
to thirty-one persons of the Indians. God seemed to be present in
this ordinance; the communicants were sweetly refreshed. Oh, how they
melted, even when the elements were first uncovered! There was scarcely
a dry eye among them, when I took off the linen, and shewed them the
symbols of _Christ’s broken body_.――Having rested a little, after the
administration of the sacrament, I visited the communicants, and found
them generally in a sweet loving frame. In the afternoon I discoursed
upon _coming to Christ_. This was likewise a season of much tenderness.
I returned home much spent, yet rejoicing in the goodness of God.
Monday, July 14. I discoursed from Psalms cxix. 106. “I have sworn, and
I will perform it,” &c. There appeared to be a powerful influence on
the assembly, and considerable melting under the word. Afterwards, I
led them to a renewal of their covenant before God, (that they would
watch over themselves and one another, lest they should fall into sin,
and dishonour the name of Christ,) just as I did on Monday, April 28.
This transaction was attended with great solemnity: and God owned it
by exciting in them a fear and jealousy of themselves, lest they should
sin against God.
[The next day, he set out on a journey towards Philadelphia; from
whence he did not return till Saturday. He spent the week under great
illness of body and dejection of mind.]
Monday, July 21. I preached to the Indians, chiefly for the sake
of some strangers. I then proposed my design of taking a journey to
Susquahannah: exhorted my people to pray for me, and chose divers
persons of the congregation to travel with me.
Monday, July 28. I was very weak, but I enjoyed sweetness and comfort
in prayer; and was composed and comfortable through the day: my mind
was intense, and my heart fervent in secret duties; and I longed to
_spend and be spent for God_.
Tuesday, July 29. My mind was chearful, and free from those melancholy
damps, that I am often exercised with. In the evening I enjoyed a
comfortable season in secret prayer, was helped to plead with God for
my own dear people: and for the divine presence to attend me in my
intended journey to Susquahannah.
Wednesday, July 30. I was uncommonly easy, both in body and mind: my
mind was solemn, and God seemed to be near me: so that the day was as
comfortable as most I have enjoyed for some time.
*Friday, August 1. In the evening I enjoyed a sweet season in secret
prayer; clouds and perplexing cares were sweetly scattered. Oh, how
serene was my mind! How free from that distracting concern I have often
felt! “Thy will be done,” was a petition sweet to my soul: and if God
had bidden me chuse for myself in any affair, I should have chosen
rather to have referred the choice to him; for I saw he was infinitely
wise, and could not do any thing amiss, as I was in danger of doing.
Saturday, August 2. I preached from Matthew xi. 19. and the presence of
God seemed to be remarkably in the assembly. Blessed be God for such a
revival among us. In the evening I was very weary, but found my spirits
supported and refreshed.
Friday, August 5. I preached at the funeral of ♦one of my Christians,
was oppressed with the head-ach, and considerably dejected: however,
I had a little freedom. I was extremely weary in the evening; but
notwithstanding enjoyed some liberty in prayer, and found the dejection
that I feared, much removed, and my spirits considerably refreshed.
♦ “one” replaced with “one of” per Errata
Thursday, August 7. I rode to my house, where I spent the last winter,
in order to bring some things I needed for my Susquahannah journey; I
was refreshed to see that place, which God so marvellously visited with
the showers of his grace. How amazingly did the _powers of God_ appear
there! “Bless the Lord, O my soul.”
Saturday, August 9. In the afternoon, I visited my people, and
contrived for the management of their worldly business: discoursed to
them in a solemn manner, and concluded with prayer. I was composed in
the evening, and fervent in secret prayer: had a view of the eternal
world, and much serenity of mind. Oh that I could magnify the Lord for
any freedom he affords me in prayer!
Monday, August 11. Being about to set out for Susquahannah the next day,
I spent some time this day in prayer with my people, that God would
bless and succeed my journey; and set up his kingdom among the poor
Indians in the wilderness. While I was opening and applying part of
the cxth Psalm, the _power of God_ descended on the assembly; numbers
were melted, and I found affectionate enlargement of soul. God helped
me, and my interpreter also: there was a shaking and melting among us;
and divers, I doubt not, were in some measure “filled with the Holy
Ghost;” especially while I insisted upon the promise of _all nations
blessing_ the great _Redeemer_: my soul was refreshed to think, that
this glorious season should surely come; and numbers of my dear people
were also refreshed. Afterwards I prayed; and had some freedom, but
was almost spent: then I walked out, and left my people to carry on
religious exercises among themselves: they prayed repeatedly, and sung,
while I rested. Afterwards I went to the meeting, prayed with, and
dismissed the assembly. Blessed be God, this has been a day of grace.
[The next day he set out on his journey towards Susquahannah, and six
of his Christian Indians with him. He took his way through Philadelphia,
intending to go to Susquahannah-river, far down, where it is settled
by the white people, below the country inhabited by the Indians: and
so travel up the river to the Indian habitations: for although this
was much farther about, yet hereby he avoided the huge mountains and
hideous wilderness. He rode this week as far as Charlestown, a place
of that name about thirty miles westward of Philadelphia; where he
arrived on Friday; and in his way hither, was for the most part in a
comfortable state of mind.]
Saturday, August 16. [At Charlestown.] It being a day kept by the
people, as preparatory to the Lord’s supper, I tarried, heard Mr.
Treat preach; and then preached myself. God helped me to discourse with
warmth, and application, to the conscience. Afterwards I was refreshed
in spirit, though much tired; and spent the evening agreeably in prayer,
and Christian conversation.
Monday, August 18. I rode on my way towards Paxton, upon
Susquahannah-river, but felt my spirits sink, towards night.
Tuesday, August 19. I rode forward still; and at night lodged by the
side of Susquahannah.
Wednesday, August 20. Having lain in a cold sweat all night, I coughed
much blood this morning; but I had a secret hope that I might speedily
get a dismission from earth, and all its sorrows. I rode this day
to one Chambers’s, upon Susquahannah, and there lodged, but was much
afflicted, in the evening, with an ungodly crew, drinking and swearing.
Oh, what a _hell_ would it be, to be numbered with the _ungodly_!
Thursday, August 21. I rode up the river about fifteen miles, and there
lodged, in a family that appeared quite destitute of God. I laboured to
discourse with the man about the life of religion, but found him very
artful in evading it. Oh, what a death it is to some, to hear of _the
things of God_!
Friday, August 22. I continued my course up the river: my people now
being with me, who before were parted from me; travelled above all the
English settlements; at night, lodged in the open woods, and slept with
more comfort, than while among an ungodly company of white people.
Lord’s-day, August 24. Towards noon I visited some of the Delawares,
and discoursed with them about Christianity. In the afternoon I
discoursed to the _King_, and others, upon divine things, who seemed
disposed to hear. I spent most of the day in these exercises. In the
evening I enjoyed some comfort: especially in secret prayer: so that
I loved to walk abroad and repeatedly engage in it.
Monday, August 25. I sent out my people to talk with the Indians, and
contract a familiarity with them. Some good seemed to be done by their
visit this day, and divers appeared willing to hearken to Christianity.
Tuesday, August 26. About noon I discoursed to a considerable number of
Indians: I was enabled to speak with much plainness, warmth, and power.
The discourse had impression upon some, and made them appear very
serious.
Wednesday, August 27. There having been a thick smoak, in the house
where I lodged, I was this morning distressed with pains in my head and
neck. In the morning the smoak was still the same: and a cold easterly
storm gathering, I could neither live within doors nor without long
together; I was pierced with the rawness of the air abroad, in the
house distressed with the smoak. I this day lived in great distress,
and had not health enough to do any thing to purpose.
Thursday, August 28. I was visited by some who desired to hear me
preach: and discoursed to them in the afternoon, with some fervency,
and laboured to persuade them to _turn to God_. *I scarce ever saw more
clearly, that it is God’s _work_ to convert souls, I knew I could not
touch them, I saw I could only speak to _dry bones_, but could give
them no sense of what I said. My eyes were up to God for help: I could
say, the _work_ was _his_.
Friday, August 29. I travelled to the Delawares, found few at home:
felt poorly, but was able to spend some time alone in reading God’s
word and in prayer.
Lord’s-day, August 31. I spake the word of God, to some few of the
Susquahannah Indians. In the afternoon, I felt very weak and feeble.
Oh, how heavy is my work, when _faith_ cannot take hold of an _almighty
arm_, for the performance of it!
Monday, September 1. I set out on a journey towards a place called _The
great island_, about fifty miles distant from Shaumoking, in the north
western branch of Susquahannah. At night I lodged in the woods. I was
exceeding feeble, this day, and sweat much the night following.
Tuesday, September 2. I rode forward; but no faster than my people went
on foot. I was so feeble and faint, that I feared it would kill me to
lie out in the open air; and some of our company being parted from us,
so that we had now no axe with us, I had no way but to climb into a
young pine tree, and with my knife to lop the branches, and so made a
shelter from the dew. I sweat much in the night, so that my linen was
almost wringing wet all night. I scarce ever was more weak and weary
than this evening.
Wednesday, September 3. I rode to Delaware town; and found divers
drinking and drunken. I discoursed with some of the Indians about
Christianity; observed my _interpreter_ much engaged in his work; some
few persons seemed to hear with great earnestness. About noon I rode
to a small town of Shawwannoes, about eight miles distant; spent an
hour or two there, and returned to the Delaware town. Oh what ♦a dead,
barren, unprofitable wretch did I now see myself to be! My spirits were
so low, and my bodily strength so wasted, that I could do nothing at
all. At length being much overdone I lay down on a _buffalo-skin_; but
sweat much the whole night.
♦ duplicate word “a” removed
Thursday, September 4. I discoursed with the Indians about
Christianity; my _interpreter_, afterwards, carrying on the discourse
to a considerable length: some few appeared well disposed, and somewhat
affected. I left this place, and returned to Shaumoking; and at night
lodged in the place where I lodged the Monday night before: but my
people being belated did not come to me till past ten at night; so
that I had no fire to dress any victuals, or to keep me warm; and I
was ♦scarce ever more weak and worn out in my life.
♦ “sarce” replaced with “scarce”
Friday, September 5. I was so weak, that I could scarcely ride: it
seemed sometimes as if I must fall off from my horse: however, I got
to Shaumoking towards night, and felt thankfulness, that God had so far
returned me.
Saturday, September 6. I spent the day in a very weak state; coughing
and spitting blood, and having little appetite to any food I had with
me: I was able to do very little, except discourse awhile of divine
things to my own people, and to some few I met with.
Monday, September 8. I spent the forenoon among the Indians; in the
afternoon, left Shaumoking, and returned down the river a few miles.
I had proposed to have tarried a considerable time longer among the
Indians upon Susquahannah; but was hindered by the weakly circumstances
of my own people, and especially my own extraordinary weakness, having
been exercised with great nocturnal sweats, and a coughing up of blood,
in almost the whole of the journey. I was a great part of the time so
feeble and faint, that it seemed as though I never should be able to
reach home; and at the same time destitute of the comforts, yea the
necessaries of life; at least what was necessary for one in so weak
a state. In this journey I sometimes was enabled to speak the word of
God with power, and divine truths made some impression on divers that
heard me; so that several, both men and women, old and young, seemed
to cleave to us, and be well disposed towards Christianity; but others
mocked and shouted, which damped those who before seemed friendly.
Yet God at times, was evidently present, assisting me, my interpreter,
and other dear friends who were with me in prayer for the ingathering
of souls there; and I could not but entertain a strong hope, that the
journey would not be wholly fruitless.
Tuesday, September 9. I rode down the river, near thirty miles, was
extreme weak, much fatigued, and wet with a thunder storm. I discoursed
with some warmth and closeness to some poor ignorant souls, on the
life and power of religion. They seemed much astonished, when they
saw my Indians ask a blessing, and give thanks at dinner: concluding
that a very high evidence of grace in them; but were more astonished,
when I insisted that neither that, nor yet secret prayer, was any sure
evidence of grace. Oh the ignorance of the world! How are some empty
outward forms, mistaken for true religion.
Wednesday, September 10. I rode near twenty miles homeward; and was
much solicited to preach, but was utterly unable. I was extremely over
done with the heat and showers, and coughed up considerable quantities
of blood.
Thursday, September 11. I rode homeward: but was very weak, and
sometimes scarce able to ride, I had a very importunate invitation
to preach at a meeting house I came by, but could not by reason of
weakness. I was resigned under my weakness; but was much exercised for
my companions in travel, whom I had left with much regret, some lame,
and some sick.
Friday, September 12. I rode about fifty miles; and came just at night
to a Christian friend’s house, about twenty-five miles westward of
Philadelphia. I was kindly entertained, and found myself much refreshed
in the midst of my weakness and fatigues.
Lord’s-day, September 14. I preached both parts of the day (but short)
from Luke xiv. 23. God gave me freedom and warmth in my discourse; and
helped me to labour in singleness of heart. I was much tired in the
evening, but was comforted with the most tender treatment I ever met
with in my life. My mind through the whole of this day, was exceeding
calm; and I could ask for nothing but that “the will of God might be
done.”
Wednesday, September 17. I rode into Philadelphia, but was very weak,
and my cough and my spitting of blood continued.
Saturday, September 20. I arrived among my own people: found them
praying together: went in, and gave them some account of God’s dealings
with me and my companions in the journey. I then prayed with them,
and the divine presence was among us; divers were melted into tears.
Being very weak, I was obliged soon to repair to my lodgings. Thus God
has carried me through the fatigues and perils of another journey to
Susquahannah, and returned me again in safety, though under a great
degree of bodily indisposition. Many hardships and distresses I endured
in this journey: but the Lord supported me under them all.
PART VIII.
_After his return from his last journey to Susquahannah,
until his_ death.
[HITHERTO Mr. Brainerd had kept a constant _diary_, giving an account
of what passed from day to day: but henceforward his diary is much
interrupted by his illness; under which he was often brought so low, as
not to be able to ♦recollect in the evening, what had passed in the day,
and set down an orderly account of it in writing. However he took some
notice of the most material things concerning himself, ’till within a
few days of his death.]
♦ “recolect” replaced with “recollect”
*Lord’s-day, September 21, 1746. I was so weak I could not preach, nor
ride over to my people in the forenoon. In the afternoon I rode out;
sat in my chair, and discoursed to my people from Romans xiv. 7, 8.
I was ♦strengthened in my discourse; and there appeared something
agreeable in the assembly. I returned to my lodgings extremely tired;
but thankful, that I had been enabled to speak a word to my poor people.
I was able to sleep little, through weariness and pain. Oh, how blessed
should I be, if the little I do, were all done with right views!
♦ “strenghened” replaced with “strengthened”
Saturday, September 27. I spent this as the week past, under a great
degree of bodily weakness, exercised with a violent cough, and a
considerable fever; had no appetite to any kind of food; and frequently
brought up what I ate, as soon as it was down: I was able, however, to
ride over to my people, about two miles, every day, and take some care
of those who were then at work upon a small house for me to reside in
amongst the Indians¹. I was sometimes scarce able to walk, and never
able to sit up the whole day. Yet I was calm and composed, and but
little exercised with melancholy, as in former seasons. It was many
times a comfort to me, that _life_ and _death_ did not depend upon my
choice. I was pleased to think, that he who is infinitely wise, had the
determination of this matter; and that I had no trouble, to consider
and weigh things upon all sides, in order to make the choice, whether
I would live or die. I could with great composure look _death_ in
the face, and frequently with sensible joy. Oh, how blessed it is,
to be _habitually prepared_ for death! The Lord grant, that I may be
_actually ready also_!
¹ _This was the |fourth| house he built for his residence
among the Indians._
Lord’s day, September 28. I rode to my people; and, though under much
weakness, discoursed about half an hour; at which season divine power
seemed to attend the word; but being extreme weak, I was obliged to
desist; and after a turn of faintness, with much difficulty rode to my
lodgings, where betaking myself to my bed, I lay in a burning fever,
and almost delirious, for several hours, till towards morning, my
fever went off with a violent sweat. I have often been feverish after
preaching: but this was the most distressing turn, that ever preaching
brought upon me. Yet I felt perfectly at rest in my own mind, because I
had made my utmost attempts to speak for God.
Tuesday, September 30. Yesterday and to-day I was scarce able to sit
up half the day. But ♦I was in a composed frame remarkably free from
dejection and melancholy; as God has been pleased to deliver me from
these unhappy glooms, in the general course of my present weakness, and
also from a peevish spirit. Oh that I may always be able to say, “Lord,
not my will, but thine be done!”
♦ “I” replaced with “I was” and 2nd “was” deleted per Errata
Saturday, October 4. I spent the former part of this week under a
great degree of disorder, as I had done several weeks before: was able,
however, to ride a little every day, although unable to sit up half
the day, and took some care daily of persons at work upon my house. On
Friday afternoon I found myself wonderfully revived and strengthened;
and having some time before given notice to my people, and those at
the Forks of Delaware in particular, that I designed, to administer
the sacrament of the Lord’s supper upon the first sabbath in October:
on Friday afternoon I preached preparatory to the sacrament, from
2 Corinthians xiii. 5. I was surprisingly strengthened in my work,
while I was speaking: but was obliged immediately after to repair
to bed, being now removed into my own house among the Indians; which
gave me such speedy relief, as I could not well have lived without.
I spent some time on Friday night in conversing with my people as I
lay upon my bed; and found my soul refreshed. This being Saturday,
I discoursed particularly with divers of the communicants; and this
afternoon preached from Zechariah xii. 10. There seemed to be a tender
melting, and hearty mourning for sin in the congregation. My soul
was in a comfortable frame, and I was myself, as well as most of the
congregation, much affected with the humble confession, and apparent
broken-heartedness of a _backslider_; and could not but rejoice, that
God had given him such a sense of his sin and unworthiness. I was
extremely tired in the evening; but lay on my bed, and discoursed to
my people.
*Lord’s-day, October 5. I was still very weak; and in the morning
afraid I should not be able to go through the work of the day. I
discoursed before the administration of the sacrament from John i. 29.
“Behold the Lamb of God, that taketh away the sin of the world.”――The
divine presence attended this discourse; and the assembly was
considerably melted. After sermon I baptized two persons, and then
administered the Lord’s supper to near forty communicants of the
Indians, besides divers dear Christians of the white people. It was
a season of divine power and grace; and numbers rejoiced in God. Oh,
the sweet union and harmony then appearing among the religious people!
My soul was refreshed, and my friends, of the white people, with me.
After the sacrament I could scarcely get home; but was supported by my
friends, and laid on my bed; where I lay in pain till the evening; and
then was able to sit up and discourse with my friends. Oh, how was this
day spent in prayers and praises among my dear people! One might hear
them all the morning before public worship, and in the evening till
near midnight, praying and singing praises to God, in one or other of
their houses.
*Saturday, October 11. Towards night I was seized with an ague, which
was followed with a hard fever, and much pain: I was treated with great
kindness and was ashamed to see so much concern about so unworthy a
creature. I was in a comfortable frame of mind, wholly submissive with
regard to life or death. It was indeed a peculiar satisfaction to me,
to think that it was not my business to determine whether I should live
or die. I likewise felt peculiarly satisfied, while under this uncommon
degree of disorder; being now fully convinced of my being unable to
perform my work. Oh how precious is time! And how guilty it makes me
feel, when I think I have trifled away and misemployed it, or neglected
to fill up each part of it with duty, to the utmost of my ability!
October 19. I was willing either to die or live; but found it hard to
think of living useless. Oh that I might never live to be a burden to
God’s creation; but that I might be allowed to repair home, when my
sojourning work is done!
Friday, October 24. I spent the day in overseeing and directing my
people about mending their fence, and securing their wheat. I was
somewhat refreshed in the evening, having been able to do something
valuable in the day time. Oh, how it pains me, to see time pass away,
when I can do nothing to any purpose!
Saturday, October 25. I visited some of my people: spent some time
in writing, and felt much better in body than usual: when it was near
night I felt so well, that I had thoughts of expounding: but in the
evening was much disordered again, and spent the night in coughing, and
spitting of blood.
Lord’s-day, October 26. In the morning I was exceeding weak, and spent
the day till near night, in pain to see my poor people wandering as
_sheep not having a shepherd_. But towards night finding myself a
little better, I called them together to my house and sat down, and
read and expounded Matthew v. 1‒16. This discourse, though delivered
in much weakness, was attended with power; especially what was spoken
upon the last of these verses, where I insisted on the infinite wrong
done to religion, by having our _light_ become _darkness_, instead
of _shining before men_. As many were deeply affected with a sense of
their deficiency, in regard of spiritual conversation, and a spirit
of concern and watchfulness seemed to be excited in them; so there
was one that had fallen into drunkenness, sometime before, who was now
deeply convinced of his sin, and discovered a great degree of concern
on that account. My soul was refreshed to see this. And though I had no
strength to speak so much as I would have done, but was obliged to lie
down on the bed: yet I rejoiced to see such an humble melting in the
congregation; and that divine truths, though faintly delivered, were
attended with so much efficacy.
Monday, October 27. I spent the day in directing the Indians, about
mending the fence round their wheat: and was able to walk with them,
and contrive their business all the forenoon. In the afternoon I
was visited by two dear friends, and spent some time in conversation
with them. Towards night I was able to walk out, and take care of the
Indians again.
October 28. I rode to Prince-Town, in a very weak state: had such a
violent fever, by the way, that I was forced to alight at a friend’s
house, and lie down for some time. Near night I was visited by Mr.
Treat, Mr. Beaty, and his wife, and another friend: my spirits were
refreshed to see them: but I was surprized, and even ashamed, that they
had taken so much pains as to ride thirty or forty miles to see me.
Saturday, November 1. I took leave of my friends and returned home.
Lord’s-day, November 2. I was unable to preach and scarcely able to sit
up the whole day. I was almost sunk, to see my poor people destitute of
the means of grace; and especially considering they could not read, and
so were under great disadvantages for spending the sabbath comfortably.
Oh, methought, I could be contented to be sick, if my poor flock had
a faithful pastor to feed them. A view of their want of this was more
afflictive to me, than all my bodily illness.
Monday, November 3. Being now in so low a state, that I was utterly
uncapable of performing my work, and having little hope of recovery,
unless by much riding, I thought it my duty to take a journey
into New-England, I accordingly took leave of my congregation this
day.――Before I left my people, I visited them all in their respective
houses, and discoursed to each, as I thought most suitable for their
circumstances, and found great freedom in so doing: I scarce left one
house but some were in tears, not only affected with my being about
to leave them, but with the solemn addresses I made; for I was helped
to be fervent in spirit. When I had thus gone through my congregation,
(which took me most of the day) and had taken leave of them, and of
the school, I rode about two miles, to the house where I lived in the
summer past, and there lodged.
Tuesday, November 4. I rode to Woodbridge, and lodged with Mr. Pierson.
Wednesday, November 5. I rode to Elisabeth-Town, intending as soon as
possible to prosecute my journey. But I was in an hour or two taken
much worse.――For near a week I was confined to my chamber, and most of
the time to my bed; and then so far revived as to be able to walk about
the house; but was still confined within doors.
I was enabled to maintain a calm, composed, and patient spirit,
as I had from the beginning of my weakness. After I had been in
Elisabeth-Town about a fortnight, and had so far recovered that I was
able to walk about the house, upon a day of thanksgiving kept in this
place, I was enabled to recount the mercies of God, in such a manner as
greatly affected me, and filled me with thankfulness to God; especially
for his work of grace among the Indians, and the enlargement of his
kingdom. “Lord, glorify thyself,” was the cry of my soul. Oh that all
people might love and praise the blessed God!
After this comfortable season, I frequently enjoyed enlargement of soul
in prayer for my dear congregation, very often for every family, and
every person in particular; and it was a great comfort to me, that I
could pray heartily to God for those whom I was not allowed to see.
In the latter end of December, I grew still weaker, and continued to do
so, till the latter end of January 1746‒7. And having a violent cough,
a considerable fever, and no appetite for any manner of food, I was
reduced to so low a state, that my friends generally despaired of my
life; and for some time together, thought I could scarce live a day to
an end.
On Lord’s-day, February 1. “If ye, being evil, know how to give good
gifts to your children, how much more will your heavenly Father give
the holy Spirit to them that ask him?” This text I was helped to plead,
and saw the divine faithfulness engaged for dealing with me better than
any earthly parent can do with his child. This season so refreshed my
soul, that my body seemed also to be a gainer by it. And from this time,
I began gradually to amend. And as I recovered some strength, vigour,
and spirit, I found at times some life in the exercises of devotion,
and longings after spirituality and a life of usefulness.
On Tuesday, February 24. I was able to ride as far as Newark, (having
been confined within Elisabeth-Town almost four months,) and the next
day returned to Elisabeth-Town. My spirits were somewhat refreshed with
the ride, though my body was weary.
On Saturday, February 28. I was visited by an Indian of my own
congregation, who brought me letters, and good news of the behaviour
of my people in general. This refreshed my soul, I could not but retire
and bless God for his goodness.
Wednesday, March 11, being kept in Elisabeth-Town ♦as a day of fasting
and prayer, I was able to attend public worship, which was the first
time since December 21. Oh, how much distress did God carry me through
in this space of time! But having obtained help from him, I yet live:
Oh that I could live to his glory!
♦ “at” replaced with “as”
Thursday, March 18. I rode to my people: and on Friday morning walked
about among them and inquired into their state and concerns; and
found an additional weight on my spirits upon hearing some things
disagreeable. I endeavoured to go to God with my distresses: but
notwithstanding, my mind continued very gloomy. About ten o’clock, I
called my people together, and after having explained and sung a psalm,
I prayed with them. There was a considerable deal of affection among
them; I doubt not, that which was more than merely natural.
[This was the _last interview_ that he ever had with his people. About
eleven o’clock the same day, he left them: and the next day came to
Elisabeth-Town.]
Saturday, March 28. I was taken this morning with a violent griping.
These pains were extreme and constant, for several hours: so that it
seemed impossible for me, without a miracle, to live twenty-four hours.
I lay confined to my bed, the whole day: but it pleased God to bless
means for the abatement of my distress. I was exceedingly weakened
by this pain, and continued so for several days following. In this
distressed case, _death_ appeared agreeable to me: as an entrance into
a place “where the weary are at rest;” and, I had some relish of the
entertainments of the heavenly state; so that by these I was allured
and drawn, as well as driven by the fatigues of life. Oh, how happy it
is, to be drawn by desires of a state of perfect holiness!
Saturday, April 4. I was uneasy, by reason of the misemployment of
time: and yet knew not what to do: I longed to spend time in fasting
and prayer; but alas, I had not bodily strength! Oh, how blessed a
thing is it, to enjoy peace of conscience! How dreadful is a want of
inward peace! It is impossible, I find, to enjoy this happiness without
_redeeming time_, and maintaining a spiritual frame of mind.
Lord’s-day, April 5. It grieved me, to find myself so inconceivably
barren. My soul thirsted for grace; but, alas, how far was I from
obtaining what I saw so excellent! I was ready to despair of ever
being holy; and yet my soul was desirous of _following hard after God_;
but never did I see myself so far from _having apprehended, or being
already perfect_. The Lord’s supper being this day administered, in the
season of communion, I enjoyed warmth of affection, and felt a tender
_love to the brethren_; and, to the glorious Redeemer, the _first-born_
among them. I endeavoured then to _bring forth_ mine and _his enemies_,
and _slay them before him_; and found great freedom in begging
deliverance from this spiritual death, as well as in asking favours for
my friends and congregation, and the church of Christ in general.
Friday, April 17. In the evening, God helped me to “draw near to the
throne of grace,” and gave me a sense of his favour, which gave me
inexpressible support and encouragement; I could not but rejoice, that
ever God should discover his reconciled face to such a vile sinner.
Shame and confusion, at times, covered me; and then hope, and joy, and
admiration of the divine goodness.
Tuesday, April 21. I set out on my journey for New-England; I travelled
to New-York, and there lodged.
[This proved his final departure from New-Jersey.――He travelled slowly,
and arrived among his friends at East-Haddam, about the beginning of
May.]
Lord’s-day, May 10. (At Had-Lime) I could not but feel gratitude to
God, that he had always disposed me, in my ministry, to insist on
the great doctrines of _regeneration, a new creature, faith in Christ,
progressive sanctification, supreme love to God, living entirely to the
glory of God, being not our own_, and the like. God has helped me to
see, from time to time, that these, and the like doctrines, necessarily
connected with them, are the only foundation of safety and salvation
for perishing sinners; and that those divine dispositions, which are
consonant hereto, are that _holiness_, “without which no man shall
see the Lord:” the exercise of these God-like tempers, wherein the
soul acts in a kind of concert with God, and would be and do every
thing that is pleasing to God; this, I saw, would stand by the soul
in a dying hour; for God must _deny himself_, if he cast away _his own
image_, even the soul that is one in desires with himself.
Lord’s-day, May 17. Though I felt much dulness this week; yet I had
some glimpses of the excellency of divine things; and especially one
morning, the beauty of holiness, as a likeness to the glorious God, was
so discovered to me, that I longed earnestly to be in that world where
holiness dwells in perfection, that I might please God, live entirely
to him, and glorify him to the utmost stretch of my capacities.
*Lord’s-day. May 24. (At Long-Meadow in Springfield) I could not
but think, as I have often remarked to others, that much more of
_true religion_ consists in _deep humility, brokenness of heart,
and an abasing sense of want of holiness_, than most who are called
_Christians_ imagine.
[On Thursday, May 28. He came from Long-Meadow to Northampton,
appearing vastly better than he had been in the winter; indeed so
well, that he was able to ride twenty-five miles in a day, and to walk
half a mile; but yet he was undoubtedly, at that time, in a confirmed,
incurable consumption.
*I had much opportunity before this, of particular information
concerning him, but now I had opportunity for a more full acquaintance
with him. I found him remarkably sociable, pleasant, and entertaining
in his conversation; yet solid, savoury, spiritual, and very profitable;
appearing meek, modest, and humble, far from any stiffness, moroseness,
superstitious demureness, or affected singularity in speech or
behaviour. We enjoyed not only the benefit of his conversation, but
had the comfort of hearing him pray in the family, from time to time.
His manner of praying was becoming a worm of the dust, and a disciple
of Christ addressing an infinitely great and holy God, and Father
of mercies; not with florid expressions, or a studied eloquence; not
with any intemperate vehemence, or indecent boldness; at the greatest
distance from any appearance of ostentation, and from every thing
that might look as though he meant to recommend himself to those that
were about him, or set himself off to their acceptance, free from vain
repetitions, without impertinent excursions, or needless multiplying of
words. He expressed himself with the strictest propriety, with weight
and pungency; and yet what his lips uttered seemed to flow from the
_fulness of his heart_, deeply impressed with a great and solemn sense
of our necessities, unworthiness, and dependence, of God’s infinite
greatness, excellency, and sufficiency, rather than merely from a
warm and fruitful brain. And I know not, that ever I heard him so much
as ask a blessing or return thanks at table, but there was something
remarkable to be observed both in the matter and manner of the
performance. In his prayers he insisted much on the prosperity of Zion,
the advancement of Christ’s kingdom in the world, and the flourishing
and propagation of religion among the Indians. And he generally made it
one petition in his prayer, “that we might not outlive our usefulness.”]
[This week he consulted Dr. Mather, at my house, concerning his illness;
who plainly told him there were great evidences of his being in a
confirmed _consumption_, and that he could give him no encouragement,
that he should ever recover. But it seemed not to occasion the least
discomposure in him, nor to make any alteration as to the freedom or
pleasantness of his conversation.]
*Lord’s-day, June 7. My soul was so drawn forth, this day, by what I
heard of the “exceeding preciousness of the grace of God’s Spirit,”
that it almost overcame my body: I saw that true grace is exceeding
precious indeed; that it is very rare; and that there is but a very
small degree of it, even where the reality of it is to be found.
In the preceeding week, I enjoyed some comfortable seasons of
meditation. One morning the cause of God appeared exceeding precious to
me: I saw also, that God has an infinitely greater concern for it, than
I could possibly have; that if I have any true love to this blessed
interest, it is only a drop derived from that ocean. Hence I was ready
to “lift up my head with joy;” and conclude, “Well, if God’s cause be
so dear and precious to him, he will promote it.”
[He was advised by physicians still to continue riding as what would
tend to prolong his life. He was at a loss for some time which way to
bend his course; but finally determined to ride to Boston; we having
concluded that one of this family should go with him and be helpful to
him in his low state.]
Tuesday, June 9. I set out on a journey from Northampton to Boston.
Having now continued to ride for some considerable time, I felt myself
much better, and I found that in proportion to the prospect I had of
being restored to a state of usefulness, I desired the continuance of
life: but death appeared inconceivably more desirable to me, than a
useless life; yet blessed be God, I found my heart fully resigned to
this greatest of afflictions, if God saw fit thus to deal with me.
Friday, ♦June 12. I arrived in Boston this day, somewhat fatigued
with my journey. There is no rest but in God; fatigues of body, and
anxieties of mind, attend us, both in town and country.
♦ “July” replaced with “June”
On Thursday, June 18. I was taken exceeding ill, and brought to the
gates of death, by the breaking of some small ulcers in my lungs, as
my physician supposed. In this weak state I continued several weeks,
and was frequently so low, as to be utterly speechless; and even after
I had so far revived as to step out of doors, I was exercised every
day with a faint turn, which continued usually four or five hours; at
which times, though I could say _Yes_ or _No_, yet I could not speak
one sentence, without making stops for breath; and divers times in this
season, my friends gathered round my bed to see me breathe my last.
How I was, the first day or two of my illness, with regard to the
exercise of reason, I scarcely know; but the third day, and constantly
afterwards, for four or five weeks together, I enjoyed as much serenity
of mind, and clearness of thought, as perhaps I ever did in my life.
And I think my mind never penetrated with so much ease and freedom into
divine things, and I never felt so capable of demonstrating the truth
of many important doctrines of the gospel as now.
As God was pleased to afford me clearness of thought almost continually,
for several weeks together; so he enabled me in some measure, to
employ my time to valuable purposes. I was enabled to write a number of
important _letters_, to friends in remote places; and sometimes I wrote
I was speechless, _i. e._ unable to maintain conversation with any
body.――*Besides this I had many visitants; with whom when I was able to
speak, I always conversed of the things of religion: and was peculiarly
assisted in distinguishing between _true_ and _false_ religion. And
especially I discoursed repeatedly on the nature and necessity of that
_humiliation_, _self-emptiness_, or full conviction of a person’s being
utterly undone in himself, which is necessary in order to a saving
faith, and the extreme difficulty of being brought to this, and the
great danger there is of persons taking up with some _self-righteous
appearances_ of it. The _danger_ of this I especially dwelt upon, being
persuaded that multitudes perish in this hidden way; because so little
is said from most pulpits to discover any danger here: so that persons
being never effectually brought to die to themselves, are never truly
united to Christ. I also discoursed much on what I take to be the
essence of true religion, that God-like temper and disposition of soul,
and that holy conversation and behaviour, that may justly claim the
honour of having God for its original pattern. And I have reason to
hope God blessed my discoursing to some, both ministers and people; so
that my time was not wholly lost.
[Also the honourable Commissioners in Boston, of the incorporated
society in London for ♦propagating the gospel in New-England, and parts
adjacent, having a legacy of the late Dr. Daniel Williams of London,
for the support of _two missionaries_ to the Heathen, were pleased,
while he was at Boston, to consult him about a mission to those Indians
called the _Six Nations_; and were so satisfied with his sentiments on
this head, and had that confidence in his faithfulness, and judgment,
that they desired him to recommend a couple of persons fit to be
employed in this business.
♦ “propogating” replaced with “propagating”
Mr. Brainerd’s restoration from his extreme low state in Boston, so as
to go abroad again and to travel, was very unexpected to him and his
friends. My daughter who was with him writes thus concerning him in a
letter dated June 23.――“On Thursday he was very ill of a violent fever,
and extreme pain in his head and breast, and at turns, delirious. So he
remained till Saturday evening, when he seemed to be in the agonies of
death: the family was up with him ’till one or two o’clock, expecting
every hour would be his last. On sabbath day he was a little revived,
his head was better, but very full of pain, and exceeding sore at
his breast, much put to it for breath. Yesterday he was better upon
all accounts. Last night he slept but little. This morning he is much
worse.――――Dr. Pynchon says, he has no hopes of his life; nor does he
think it likely he will ever come out of his chamber.”
His physician, the honourable Joseph Pynchon, Esq. when he visited him
in Boston, attributed his sinking so suddenly into a state so nigh unto
death, to the breaking of ulcers, that had been long gathering in his
lungs, and there discharging and diffusing their purulent matter; which,
while nature was labouring and struggling to throw off, (that could
be done no otherwise, than by a gradual straining of it through the
small vessels of those vital parts,) this occasioned an high fever and
violent coughing, and threw the whole frame of nature into the utmost
disorder; but supposed if the state of nature held till the lungs had
gradually cleared themselves of this putrid matter, he might revive,
and continue better, till new ulcers gathered and broke; but then he
would surely sink again; and that there was no hope of his recovery;
but (as he expressed himself to one of my neighbours) he was as
certainly a dead man, as if he was shot through the heart.
But so it was ordered by divine Providence, that the strength of nature
held out through this great conflict, and then he revived, to the
astonishment of all that knew his case.
After he began to revive, he was visited by his youngest brother Mr.
Israel Brainerd, a student at Yale-college; who having heard of his
extreme illness, came to Boston to see him.
This visit was attended with a mixture of joy and sorrow to Mr.
Brainerd. He greatly rejoiced to see his brother, especially because
he had desired an opportunity of some religious conversation with
him before he died. But this meeting was attended with sorrow, as his
brother brought to him the tidings of his sister Spencer’s death at
Haddam: a sister, between whom and him had long subsisted a peculiar
dear affection, and much intimacy in spiritual matters. He had heard
nothing of her sickness. But he had these comforts together with the
tidings, a confidence of her being gone to heaven, and an expectation
of soon meeting her there.――His brother continued with him till he left
the town, and came with him from thence to Northampton.
[Concerning the last Sabbath Mr. Brainerd spent at Boston, he writes in
his _diary_ as follows.]
Lord’s-day, July 19. I was just able to attend public worship, being
carried to the house of God in a chaise. I heard Dr. Sewall preach
in the forenoon; partook of the Lord’s supper at this time. In the
sacrament, I saw astonishing _wisdom_ displayed; such wisdom as
required the tongues of angels and glorified saints to celebrate.
It seemed to me I never should do any thing at adoring the infinite
_wisdom_ of God discovered in the contrivance of man’s redemption,
until I arrived at a world of perfection. Yet I could not help striving
to “call upon my soul, and all within me, to bless the name of God.”
[The next day he set out in the cool of the afternoon, for Northampton,
attended by his brother, and my daughter that went with him to
Boston; and would have been accompanied out of the town by a number of
gentlemen, had not his aversion to any thing of pomp and shew prevented
it.]
Saturday, July 25. I arrived at Northampton, having set out from
Boston on Monday. In this journey, I rode about sixteen miles a day,
one day with another. I was sometimes extremely tired, so that it
seemed impossible for me to proceed any further: at other times I was
considerably better, and felt some freedom both of body and mind.
Lord’s-day, July 26. This day, I saw clearly, that God himself could
not make me happy unless I could be in a capacity to “please and
glorify him for ever.” Take away _this_, and admit me into all the fine
_heavens_ that can be conceived by men or angels, and I should still be
_miserable_ for ever.
Though he had revived, so as to be able to travel thus far, yet he
manifested no expectation of recovery: he supposed as his physician
did, that his being brought so near to death at Boston, was owing to
the breaking of ulcers in his lungs. He told me that he had had several
such ill turns before, only not to so high a degree, but as he supposed
owing to the same cause; and that he was brought lower and lower every
time; and it appeared to him, that in his last sickness (in Boston)
he was brought as low as possible, and yet alive; and that he had not
the least expectation of surviving the next return of this breaking of
ulcers; but still appeared perfectly calm.
On Wednesday morning, the week after he came to Northampton, he took
leave of his brother Israel, never expecting to see him again in this
world.
When Mr. Brainerd came hither, he had so much strength as to be able,
from day to day, to ride out two or three miles, and to return; and
sometimes to pray in the family; but from this time he sensibly decayed,
and became weaker and weaker.
*While he was here, his conversation from first to last was much on
the same subjects as it had been in Boston. He was much in speaking
of the nature of _true religion_, as distinguished from its various
_counterfeits_; expressing his great concern, that the latter did
so much prevail in so many places. He often manifested his great
abhorrence of all such _doctrines_ and _principles_, as in any
wise savoured of, and had any (though but a remote) tendency to
Antinomianism; of all such notions as seemed to diminish the necessity
of holiness of life, or to abate men’s regard to the commands of God,
and a strict, diligent, and universal practice of virtue, under a
pretence of depreciating our works, and magnifying God’s free grace.
He spake often with much detestation, of such discoveries and joys
as have nothing of the nature of _sanctification_ in them, and do not
tend to strictness, tenderness, and diligence in religion, and meekness
and benevolence toward mankind: and he also declared, that he looked
on such pretended _humility_ as worthy of no regard, that was not
manifested by _modesty_ of _conduct_ and _conversation_.
*After he came hither, as long as he lived, he was much in speaking of
the future prosperity of Zion that is so often promised in scripture:
and his mind seemed to be carried forth with intense desires, that
religion might speedily revive and flourish; yea, the nearer death
advanced, still the more did his mind seem to be taken up with this
subject. He told me, when near his end, that “he never in all his
life had his mind so led forth in desires and earnest prayers for the
flourishing of _Christ’s kingdom_ on earth, as since he was brought
so exceeding low at Boston.” He seemed much to wonder, that there
appeared no more of a disposition in ministers and people to pray for
the flourishing of religion through the world; that so little a part
of their prayers was generally taken up about it, in their families,
and elsewhere; and particularly, he several times expressed his wonder,
that there appeared no more forwardness to comply with the _proposal_
lately made in a memorial from a number of ministers in Scotland,
and sent over into America, for _united extraordinary prayer_, among
Christ’s ministers and people, for the _coming of Christ’s kingdom_:
and he sent as his dying advice to _his own congregation_, that they
should practise agreeably to that proposal.¹
¹ His congregation, since this, have with great chearfulness
and unanimity fallen in with this advice, and have practised
agreeably to the proposal from Scotland; and have at times
appeared with uncommon engagedness and fervency of spirit
in their united devotions, pursuant to that proposal. Also
the presbyteries of New-York, and New-Brunswick, since
this, have with one consent, fallen in with the proposal,
as likewise some others of God’s people in those parts.
*Though he was exceeding weak, yet there appeared in him a continual
care well to employ time, and fill it up with something that might
be profitable; either profitable conversation, or writing letters to
absent friends, or noting something in his diary, or looking over his
former writings, correcting them, and preparing them to be left in the
hands of others at his death, or giving some directions concerning a
future management of his people, or employment in secret devotions. He
seemed never to be easy, however ill, if he was not doing something for
God, or in his service.
In his diary for Lord’s-day, August 16, he speaks of his having so
much refreshment of soul in the house of God, that it seemed also to
refresh his body. And this is not only noted in his diary, but was very
observable to others: it was very apparent, not only, that his mind was
exhilarated with inward consolation, but also that his animal spirits
and bodily strength were remarkably restored.――――But this was the last
time that ever he attended public worship on the sabbath.
On Tuesday morning that week (I being absent on a journey) he prayed
with my family: but not without much difficulty; and this was the last
family prayer that ever he made.
He had been wont, till now, frequently to ride out, two or three miles;
but this week, on Thursday, was the last time he ever did so.]
Lord’s-day, August 23. This morning I was considerably refreshed with
the thought, yea, the expectation of the _enlargement of Christ’s
kingdom_; and I could not but hope, the time was at hand, when Babylon
the Great would fall, and rise no more. I was unable to attend public
worship: but God was pleased to afford me satisfaction in divine
thoughts. Nothing so refreshes my soul, as when I can go to God, yea,
to God my exceeding joy.
*In this week past, I had divers turns of inward refreshing, though my
body was inexpressibly weak. Sometimes my soul centered in God, as my
only portion; and I felt that I should be for ever unhappy, if he did
not reign: I saw the sweetness and happiness of being his subject, at
his disposal. This made all my difficulties quickly vanish.
[Till this week he had been wont to lodge in a room above stairs; but
he now grew so weak, that he was no longer able to go up stairs and
down. Friday, August 28, was the last time he ever went above stairs,
henceforward he betook himself to a lower room.
On Wednesday, September 2. Being the day of our public lecture, he
seemed to be refreshed with seeing the neighbouring ministers, and
expressed a great desire once more to go to the house of God: and
accordingly rode to the meeting, and attended divine service, while the
Rev. Mr. Woodbridge of Hatfield preached. He signified that he supposed
it to be the last time that ever he should attend the public worship,
as it proved. And indeed it was the last time that ever he went out at
our gate alive.
On the Saturday evening next following, he was unexpectedly visited by
his brother Mr. John Brainerd. He was much refreshed by this unexpected
visit, this brother being peculiarly dear to him: and he seemed to
rejoice in a devout manner, to see him, and to hear the comfortable
tidings he brought concerning the state of his dear Indians: and a
circumstance of this visit, that he was exceeding glad of, was, that
his brother brought him some of his private writings from New-Jersey,
and particularly his diary that he had kept for many years past.]
Lord’s-day, September 6. I began to read some of my private writings,
which my brother brought me; and was considerably refreshed with what
I met with in them.
Monday, September 7. I proceeded further in reading my old private
writings, and found they had the same effect upon me as before: I could
not but rejoice and bless God for what passed long ago, which without
writing had been entirely lost.
*This evening when I was in great distress of body, my soul longed
that God should be glorified: I saw there was no heaven but this. I
could not but speak to the by-standers then of the only happiness, viz.
pleasing God. Oh that I could ever live to God! The day, I trust, is at
hand, the perfect day: Oh, the day of deliverance from all sin!
Lord’s-day, September 13. I was much refreshed and engaged in
meditation and writing, and found a heart to act for God. My spirits
were refreshed, and my soul delighted to do something for God.
[On the evening following that Lord’s-day, his feet began to swell,
which thenceforward swelled more and more. A symptom of his dissolution
coming on.
The next day his brother left him, being obliged to return to
New-Jersey on some business of great importance, intending to return
again with all possible speed, hoping to see his brother yet once more
in the land of the living.
Mr. Brainerd having now with much deliberation considered the important
affair before-mentioned, left with him by the honourable commissioners
in Boston, viz. the recommending two persons proper to be employed as
missionaries to the six nations, he about this time wrote a letter,
recommending two young gentlemen of his acquaintance Mr. Elihu Spencer
of East-Haddam, and Mr. Job Strong of Northampton. The commissioners on
the receipt of this letter, unanimously agreed to accept of the persons
he had recommended.
He also this week, wrote a letter to a gentleman in Boston, relating to
the growth of the Indian school, and the need of another school-master.
The gentlemen, on the receipt of this letter, had a meeting, and agreed
with chearfulness to give 200l. (in bills of the old tenor) for the
support of another school-master; and desired the Rev. Mr. Pemberton
of New-York, as soon as possible to procure a suitable person for that
service: and also agreed to allow 75l. to defray some special charges
that were requisite to encourage the mission to the six Nations.
Mr. Brainerd spent himself much in writing those letters, being
exceeding weak: but it seemed to be much to his satisfaction, that he
had been enabled to do it; hoping that it was something done for God,
and which might be for the advancement of Christ’s kingdom and glory.
In writing the last of these letters, he was obliged to use the hand of
another, not being able to write himself.
On the Thursday of this week (September 17.) was the last time that
ever he went out of his lodging-room. That day, he was again visited by
his brother Israel, who continued with him thenceforward till his death.
*On that evening he was taken with something of a _diarrhea_; which he
looked upon as another sign of his approaching _death_: whereupon he
expressed himself thus; “Oh, the glorious time is now coming! I have
longed to serve God perfectly: now God will gratify those desires!” And
from time to time, at the several new symptoms of his dissolution, he
was so far from being damped, that he seemed to be animated; as being
glad at the appearances of death’s approach. He often used the epithet,
_glorious_, when speaking of the day of his _death_, calling it _that
glorious day_. And as he saw his dissolution gradually approaching,
he was much in talking about it, and also settling all his affairs,
very particularly and minutely giving directions concerning what he
would have done. And the nearer death approached, the more desirous he
seemed to be of it. He several times spake of the different kinds of
_willingness to die_; and spoke of it as a mean kind of willingness to
die, to be willing to leave the body only to get rid of pain.]
*Saturday, September 19. While I attempted to walk a little, my
thoughts turned thus; “How infinitely sweet it is, to love God, and
be all for him!” Upon which it was suggested to me, “You are not an
angel, lively and active.” To which my soul immediately replied, I
as sincerely desire to love and glorify God, as any angel in heaven.”
Upon which it was suggested again, “But you are filthy, and not fit
for heaven.” Hereupon instantly appeared the blessed robes of Christ’s
_righteousness_, which I could not but exult and triumph in; and I
viewed the infinite excellency of God, and my soul even broke out
with longings, that God should be _glorified_. I thought of dignity
in heaven: but instantly the thought returned, “I do not go to heaven
to get honour, but to give all ♦possible glory and praise.” Oh, how I
longed that God should be glorified on _earth_ also! _Bodily pains_ I
cared not for: though I was then in extremity, I never felt easier; I
felt willing to _glorify God_ in that state, as long as he pleased. The
_grave_ appeared really sweet, and I longed to lodge my weary bones in
it: but Oh, that God might be _glorified_! this was the burden of all
my cry. Oh, I knew, I should be _active_ as an angel, in heaven; and
that I should be stripped of my _filthy garments_!――――But Oh, to _love_
and _praise_ God more, to _please_ him for ever! this my soul panted
after, and even now pants for while I write. Oh that _God_ might be
_glorified_ in the whole earth! “Lord, let thy kingdom come.” I longed
for a spirit of _preaching_ to descend and rest on _ministers_, that
they might address the consciences of men with closeness and power. I
saw God, had the residue of the spirit; and my soul longed it should
be “poured from on high.” I could not but plead with God for my dear
congregation, that he would preserve it, and not suffer _his great
name_ to lose its glory in that work; my soul still longing, that God
might be _glorified_.
♦ “possibly” replaced with “possible” per Errata
*[In the evening, his mouth spake out of the abundance of his heart,
expressing in a very affecting manner much the same things as are
written in his _diary_: and among many other extraordinary expressions,
were these; “_My heaven_ is to _please_ God, and _glorify_ him, and
to give all to him, and to be wholly devoted to his glory; that is the
heaven I long for; this is my _religion_, and that is my happiness, and
always was, ever since I had any true religion; and all those that are
of _that_ religion shall meet _me_ in heaven――I do not go to heaven to
be advanced, but to give honour to God. It is no matter where I shall
be stationed in heaven, whether I have a high or a low seat there; but
to love, and please, and glorify God is all: had I a _thousand souls_,
if they were worth any thing, I would give them all to God; but I have
nothing to give, when all is done.――――It is impossible for any rational
creature to be _happy_ without acting all _for God_; God himself could
not make him happy any other way.――――I long to be in heaven, _praising_
and _glorifying_ God with the holy angels: all my desire is to glorify
God.――――My heart goes out to the _burying-place_; it seems to me
a _desirable_ place; but Oh to _glorify_ God! that is it; that is
above all.――――It is a great comfort to me, to think that I have done a
little for God in the world: Oh! it is but a _very small_ matter; yet
I _have_ done a _little_, and I lament it, that I have done no _more_
for him.――――There is nothing in the world worth living for, but _doing
good_ and _finishing God’s work_. I see nothing else in the world, that
can yield any satisfaction, besides _living to God, pleasing him_, and
_doing his whole will_.――――My greatest joy and comfort has been, to
do something for promoting the interest of religion, and the souls of
particular persons: and now, in my illness, while I am full of pain
and distress from day to day, all the comfort I have, is in being able
to do some little _char_ (or small piece of work) _for God_; either by
something that I say, or by writing, or some other way.”
He intermingled with these and other like expressions, many pathetic
_counsels_ to those that were about him; particularly to my children
and servants. He applied himself to some of my younger children at this
time; calling them to him, and speaking to them one by one; setting
before them in a very plain manner, the nature of true piety, and its
great importance; earnestly warning them not to rest in any thing short
of that true and thorough change of heart, and a life devoted to God;
counselling them not to be slack in the great business of religion,
nor in the least to delay it; enforcing his counsels with this, that
his words were the words of a dying man; said he, “I shall die here,
and here shall I be buried, and here you will see my grave, and do
you remember what I have said to you. I am going into eternity: the
endlessness of it makes it sweet: but Oh, what shall I say to the
eternity of the _wicked_! I cannot mention it, nor think of it; the
thought is too dreadful. When you see my grave, then remember what I
said to you when I was alive; then think with yourself how the man that
lies in that grave, counselled and warned me to prepare for death.”
His body seemed to be marvelously strengthened, through the inward
vigour of his _mind_; so that, although before he was so weak he
could hardly utter a sentence, yet now he continued his most affecting
discourse for more than an hour, with scarce any intermission; and said
of it, when he had done, “it was the last sermon that ever he should
preach.”
[It appears by what is noted in his _diary_, both of this day and the
evening preceeding, that his mind was at this time much impressed with
a sense of the importance of the work of the ministry, and the need
of the grace of God, and his special assistance in this work; and it
also appeared in what he expressed in conversation; particularly in his
discourse to his brother Israel, who was then a member of Yale-college
at New-Haven, and had been prosecuting his studies there, to the end
that he might be fitted for the work of the ministry, and was now with
him. He now, and from time to time, recommended to his brother a life
of self-denial, of weanedness from the world, and devotedness to God,
and an earnest endeavour to obtain much of the grace of God’s Spirit,
and God’s gracious influences on his heart; representing the great
need which ministers stand in of them, and the unspeakable benefit of
them from his own experience. Among many other expressions he said,
*“When ministers feel these gracious influences on their hearts, it
wonderfully assists them to come at the consciences of men, and as it
were to handle them with their hands; whereas, without them, whatever
reason and oratory we make use of, we do but make use of stumps instead
of hands.”]
Monday, September 21. I began to correct a little volume of my private
writings: God, I believe, remarkably helped me in it: my strength was
♦surprisingly lengthened out, my thoughts quick and lively, and my soul
refreshed, hoping it might be a work for God. Oh, how good, how sweet
it is to labour for God!
♦ “suprisingly” replaced with “surprisingly”
Tuesday, September 22. I was again employed in reading and correcting,
and had the same success, as the day before. I was exceeding weak; but
it seemed to refresh my soul thus to spend my time.
Wednesday, September 23. I finished my corrections of the little piece
forementioned, and felt uncommonly peaceful: it seemed as if I had now
done all my work in this world, and stood ready for my call to a better.
*As long as I see any thing to be done for God, life is worth having:
but Oh, how vain and unworthy it is, to live for any lower end!
Friday, September 25. This day I was unspeakably weak, and little
better than speechless all the day: however, I was able to write a
little, and felt comfortably. Oh, it refreshed my soul, to think of
former things, of desires to glorify God, of the pleasures of living
to him! “Oh my dear God, I am speedily coming to thee, I hope! Hasten
the day, O Lord, if it be thy blessed will: Oh come, Lord Jesus, come
quickly. Amen.”¹
¹ This was the last that ever he wrote in his _diary_ with
his own hand: though it is continued a little farther, in a
broken manner; written by his brother Israel, but indited by
his mouth.
September 27. He felt an unusual appetite to food; with which his mind
seemed to be _exhilarated_, as a sign of the very near approach of
_death_. He said upon it, “I was born on a _sabbath-day_; and I have
reason to think I was new-born on a _sabbath-day_; and I hope I shall
die on this _sabbath-day_; I shall look upon it as a favour, if it may
be the will of God that it should be so: I long for the time. Oh, _why
is the chariot so long in coming? why tarry the wheels of his chariot?_
I am very willing to part with all: I am willing to part with my dear
brother John, and never to see him again, to go to be for ever with the
Lord. Oh, when I go there, how will God’s dear church on earth be upon
my mind!”
*Afterwards the same morning, being asked how he did? he answered, “I
am almost in eternity: I long to be there. My work is done: I have done
with all my friends; all the world is nothing to me. I long to be in
heaven, _praising and glorifying God_ with the holy _angels_: all my
desire is to glorify God.”
During the whole of these last two weeks of his life, he seemed to
continue loose from all the world, as having done his work, and done
with all things here below, having nothing to do but to die, and
abiding in an earnest desire and expectation of the happy moment, when
his soul should take its flight, and go to a state of perfection, of
holiness, and perfect glorying and enjoying God. He said, “That the
consideration of the day of death, and the day of judgment, had a long
time been peculiarly sweet to him.” He from time to time spake of his
being willing to leave the body and the world immediately, if it was
the will of God. He also was much in expressing his longing that the
church of Christ on earth might flourish, and Christ’s kingdom here
might be advanced, notwithstanding he was about to leave the _earth_,
and should not with his eyes behold the desirable event. He said to
me, one morning, “My thoughts have been employed on the old dear theme,
_the prosperity_ of God’s church on _earth_. As I waked out of sleep, I
was led to cry for the pouring out of God’s Spirit, and the advancement
of Christ’s kingdom, which the dear Redeemer did, and suffered so much
for. It is that especially makes me long for it.”
He once told me, that “he had formerly longed for the out-pouring of
the Spirit of God, and the glorious times of the church, and hoped
they were coming: and should have been willing to have lived to promote
religion at that time, if that had been the will of God: but (says he)
I am willing it should be as it is: I would not have the choice to make
for myself, for ten thousand worlds.” He expressed on his death-bed
a full persuasion that he should in _heaven_ see the prosperity of
the church on earth, and should rejoice with Christ therein; and the
consideration of it seemed to be highly pleasing to his mind.
He also still dwelt much on the great importance of the work of
_ministers_; and expressed his longings, that they might be _filled
with the Spirit of God_; and manifested much desire to see some of the
neighbouring ministers, whom he had some acquaintance with, that he
might converse freely with them on that subject before he died. And it
so happened, that he had opportunity with some of them, according to
his desire.
Another thing that lay much on his heart, and that he spake of, from
time to time, in these near approaches of death, was the spiritual
prosperity of his own congregation: and when he spake of them, it
was with peculiar tenderness, so that his speech would be presently
interrupted and drowned with tears.
*He also expressed much satisfaction in the disposals of Providence,
with regard to the circumstances of his _death_; particularly that God
had before his death given him the opportunity he had in Boston, with
so many considerable persons, ministers, and others, to give in his
testimony for God, and against false religion; and there to lay before
charitable gentlemen, the state of the Indians, to so good effect; and
that God had since given him an opportunity to write to them farther
concerning these affairs; and to write other letters of importance,
that he hoped might be of good influence with regard to the state of
religion among the Indians, and elsewhere, after his death. He also
mentioned it as what he accounted a merciful circumstance of his death,
that he should die here. And speaking of these things, he said, “God
had granted him all his desire;” and signified, that now he could with
the greater alacrity leave the world.]
Monday, September 28. I was able to read, and make some few corrections
in my private writings; but found I could not write as I had done; I
found myself sensibly declining in all respects. It has been only from
a little while before noon, till about one or two o’clock, that I have
been able to do any thing for some time past: yet this refreshed my
heart, that I could do any thing, either public or private for God.
[This evening, he was supposed to be dying: he thought so himself,
and was thought so by those who were about him. He seemed glad at the
appearance of death. He was almost speechless, but his lips appeared
to move: and one that sat very near him, heard him utter, “Come, Lord
Jesus, come quickly.――Oh, why is his chariot so long in coming!”――After
he revived, he blamed himself for having been too eager to be gone.
*And in expressing what he found in his mind at that time, he said, he
then found an inexpressibly sweet love to those that he looked upon as
_belonging to Christ_, beyond all that ever he felt before; so that it
“seemed (to use his own words) like a little piece of _heaven_ to have
one of them near him.” And being asked, whether he heard the prayer
that was (at his desire) made with him; he said, “Yes, he heard every
word, and had an uncommon sense of the things that were uttered in that
prayer, and that every word reached his heart.”
On the evening of Tuesday, September 29, as he lay in his bed, his mind
seemed greatly engaged concerning the prosperity of Zion: there being
present at that time two _candidates_ for the _ministry_, he desired us
all to unite in singing a psalm on that subject, even Zion’s prosperity.
And on his desire we sung a part of the 102d Psalm. This seemed much to
refresh him, and gave him new strength; so that, though before he could
scarce speak at all, now he proceeded, with some freedom of speech, to
give his dying counsels to those two young gentlemen, relating to the
great work of the ministry they were designed for. In particular, he
earnestly recommended to them frequent secret _fasting_ and _prayer_:
and enforced his counsel with regard to this, from his own _experience_
of the great comfort and benefit of it; which (said he) I should not
mention, were it not that I am a _dying_ person. And after he had
finished his counsel, he made a prayer, in the audience of us all;
wherein, besides praying for his family, for his brethren, and those
candidates for the ministry, and for his own congregation, he earnestly
prayed for the reviving and flourishing of religion in the world.
Till now, he had every day sat up part of the day; but after this he
never rose from his bed.]
Wednesday, September 30. I was obliged to keep my bed the whole day,
through weakness. However I redeemed a little time, and with the help
of my brother, read and corrected about a dozen pages in my M. S.
giving an account of my conversion.
Friday, October 2. My soul was this day, at turns, sweetly set on
God: I longed to be with him, that I might _behold his glory_: I felt
sweetly disposed to commit all to him, even my dearest friends; my
dearest flock, and my absent brother, and all my concerns for time
and eternity. Oh that his kingdom might come into the world; that they
might all love and glorify him; and that the blessed Redeemer might
“see of the travail of his soul, and be satisfied! Oh, come, Lord Jesus,
come quickly! Amen.”¹
¹ Here ends his diary: these are the last words, that are
written in it, either by his own hand, or from his mouth.
[The next evening we much expected his brother John from New-Jersey;
it being about a week after the time that he proposed for his return.
And though our expectations were still disappointed; yet Mr. Brainerd
seemed to continue unmoved, in the same calm frame, that he had before
manifested; as having resigned all to God, and having done with his
friends, and with all things here below.
*On the morning of the next day, being Lord’s-day, October 4, as my
daughter Jerusha (who chiefly tended him) came into the room, he looked
on her very pleasantly, and said, “Dear Jerusha, are you willing to
part with me?――I am quite willing to part with you; I am willing to
part with all my friends: I am willing to part with my dear brother
John, although I love him the best of any creature living; I have
committed him and all my friends to God, and can leave them with God.
Though, if I thought I should not see you, and be happy with you in
another world I could not bear to part with you. But we shall spend an
happy eternity together!”¹ In the evening, as one came into the room
with a bible in her hand, he said, “Oh, that dear book! that lovely
book! I shall soon see it opened! the mysteries that are in it, and the
mysteries of God’s providence, will be all unfolded!”
¹ Since this, it has pleased God to take away this my dear
child, on the 14th of February next following, after a short
illness of five days, in the eighteenth year of her age.
She was a person of much the same spirit with Mr. Brainerd.
She had constantly taken care of, and attended him in his
sickness, for nineteen weeks before his death, devoting
herself to it with great delight, because she looked on him
as an eminent servant of Jesus Christ. In this time, he had
much conversation with her on things of religion; and in his
dying state, often expressed to us, her parents, his great
satisfaction concerning her true piety, and his confidence
that he should meet her in heaven; and his high opinion
of her, not only as a true Christian, but a very eminent
saint; one whose soul was uncommonly fed and entertained
with things that appertain to the most spiritual parts of
religion; and one who, by the temper of her mind, was fitted
to deny herself for God, and to do good beyond any young
woman that he knew of. She had manifested a heart uncommonly
devoted to God, in the course of her life, many years before
her death; and said on her death-bed, that “she had not seen
one minute for several years, wherein she desired to live
one minute longer, for the sake of any other good in life,
but doing good, living to God, and doing what might be for
his glory.”
His distemper now apparently preyed on his vitals: not by a sudden
breaking of _ulcers_ in his lungs, as at Boston, but by a constant
discharge of ♦purulent matter, in great quantities; so that what he
brought up by expectoration, seemed to be as it were mouthfuls of
almost clear _pus_; which was attended with very great inward pain and
distress.
♦ “petulent” replaced with “purulent” per Errata
On Thursday, October 6, he lay for a considerable time, as if he was
dying. At which time, he was heard to utter in broken whispers, such
expressions as these; “He will come, he will not tarry.――I shall soon
be in glory.――I shall soon glorify God with the angels.”――But after
some time he revived.
The next day, viz. Wednesday, October 7, his brother John arrived from
New-Jersey, where he had been detained much longer than he intended, by
a mortal sickness prevailing among the Christian Indians. Mr. Brainerd
was refreshed with seeing him, and appeared fully satisfied with the
reasons of his delay; seeing the interest of religion and of the souls
of his people required it.
The next day, Thursday, October 8. He told me it was impossible for
anyone to conceive the distress he felt in his breast. He manifested
much concern lest he should dishonour God by impatience. He desired
that others would be much in lifting up their hearts to God for him.
He signified, that he expected to die that night; but seemed to fear
a longer delay: and the disposition of his mind with regard to death
appeared still the same that it had been all along. And notwithstanding
his bodily agonies, yet the interest of Zion lay still with great
weight on his mind; as appeared by some considerable discourse he
had that evening with the Rev. Mr. Billing, one of the neighbouring
Ministers, concerning the great importance of the work of the ministry.
And afterwards, when it was very late in the night, he had much
discourse with his brother John, concerning his congregation in
New-Jersey, and the interest of religion among the Indians. In the
latter part of the night, his bodily distresses seemed to rise to a
greater height than ever; and he said to those then about him, that “it
was another thing to die than what people imagined;” explaining himself
to mean, that they were not aware what _bodily_ pain and anguish is
undergone before death. Towards day, his eyes fixed; and he continued
lying immoveable, till about six o’clock in the morning, and then
expired, on Friday, October 9, 1747, when his soul was received by his
dear Lord and Master, as an eminently faithful servant, into a state of
perfection of holiness, and fruition of God, which he had so often and
so ardently longed for.
Much respect was shewn to his memory at his _funeral_; which was on
the Monday following, after a sermon preached the same day, on that
solemn occasion. His funeral was attended by eight of the neighbouring
ministers, seventeen other gentlemen of liberal education, and a great
concourse of people.]
The End of the _Twelfth_ Volume.
ERRATA, Volume XII.
Page 19, line 2, _delete of_
Page 19, line 17, replace sickness_es_
Page 20, line 13, replace _glo_rious
Page 25, line 10, replace _closing eyes_
Page 53, line 19, replace _ti_n
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Page 112, line 21, replace it was _not_
Page 142, line 19, replace good_n_ess
Page 144, line 13, ♦replace James iii.
♦ could not identify how to apply to text
Page 188, line 13, replace _keep awake_
Page 190, line 19, replace _I came to_ the
Page 204, line 15, replace was _not_
Page 204, line ultima, replace _of_ this
Page 226, line ultima, replace _year_ past
Page 245, line antepenult, replace . _A_fter
Page 264, line 7, replace _a_ffected
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Page 352, line 10, replace p_uru_lent.
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