The Project Gutenberg EBook of Box and Cox, by John Maddison Morton
This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or
re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
Title: Box and Cox
A Romance of Real Life in One Act.
Author: John Maddison Morton
Release Date: April 13, 2013 [EBook #42523]
Language: English
*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK BOX AND COX ***
Produced by Paul Haxo from page images generously made
available by the Internet Archive and the Library of
Congress.
THE MINOR DRAMA.
No. XXI.
BOX AND COX.
_A Romance of Real Life_
IN ONE ACT.
BY JOHN MADDISON MORTON, ESQ.
WITH THE STAGE BUSINESS, CAST OF CHARACTERS, COSTUMES, RELATIVE
POSITIONS, &c.
NEW YORK:
DOUGLAS, NO. 11 SPRUCE ST
AND FOR SALE BY ALL BOOKSELLERS.
1848.
CAST OF CHARACTERS.
Theatre,
London, Olympic, Palmo's,
1847. 1848. 1848.
John Box, Mr. Buckstone. Mr. Holland. Mr. Povey.
a Journeyman Printer,
James Cox, " Harley. " Conover. " Chapman.
a Journeyman Hatter,
Mrs. Bouncer, Mrs. M'Namara. Mrs. Henry. Mrs. Vernon.
COSTUMES.
BOX.--Small swallow-tailed black coat, short buff waistcoat, light
drab trowsers short, turned up at bottom, black stockings, white
canvass boots with black tips, cotton neckcloth, shabby black hat.
COX.--Brown Newmarket coat, long white waistcoat, dark plaid trowsers,
boots, white hat, black stock.
MRS. BOUNCER.--Coloured cotton gown, apron, cap, &c.
First produced at the Royal Lyceum Theatre, November 1st, 1847
Time in Representation--35 Minutes.
EXITS AND ENTRANCES.
R. means _Right;_ L. _Left;_ R. D. _Right Door;_ L. D. _Left Door;_
S. E. _Second Entrance;_ U. E. _Upper Entrance;_ M. D. _Middle Door._
RELATIVE POSITIONS.
R., means _Right;_ L., _Left;_ C., _Centre;_ R. C., _Right of Centre;_
L. C., _Left of Centre._
BOX AND COX.
ACT I.
SCENE I--_A Room, decently furnished. At C., a bed, with curtains
closed, at L. C., a door, at L. 3d E., a door, at L. S. E., a chest of
drawers, at back, R., a window, at R. 3d E., a door, at R. S. E., a
fireplace, with mantel-piece, table and chairs, a few common ornaments
on chimney-piece. COX, dressed, with the exception of his coat, is
looking at himself in a small looking-glass, which is in his hand._
COX. I've half a mind to register an oath that I'll never have my hair
cut again! [_His hair is very short._] I look as if I had just been
cropped for the militia! And I was particularly emphatic in my
instructions to the hair-dresser, only to cut the ends off. He must
have thought I meant the other ends! Never mind--I shan't meet anybody
to care about so early. Eight o'clock, I declare! I haven't a moment
to lose. Fate has placed me with the most punctual, particular, and
peremptory of hatters, and I must fulfil my destiny. [_Knock at L.
D._] Open locks, whoever knocks!
_Enter MRS. BOUNCER, L._
MRS. B. Good-morning, Mr. Cox. I hope you slept comfortably, Mr. Cox?
COX. I can't say I did, Mrs. B. I should feel obliged to you, if you
could accommodate me with a more protuberant bolster, Mrs. B. The one
I've got now seems to me to have about a handful and a half of
feathers at each end, and nothing whatever in the middle.
MRS. B. Anything to accommodate you, Mr. Cox.
COX. Thank you. Then, perhaps, you'll be good enough to hold this
glass, while I finish my toilet.
MRS. B. Certainly. [_Holding glass before COX, who ties his cravat._]
Why, I do declare, you've had your hair cut.
COX. Cut? It strikes me I've had it mowed! It's very kind of you to
mention it, but I'm sufficiently conscious of the absurdity of my
personal appearance already. [_Puts on his coat._] Now for my hat.
[_Puts on his hat, which comes over his eyes._] That's the effect of
having one's hair cut. This hat fitted me quite tight before. Luckily
I've got two or three more. [_Goes in at L., and returns, with three
hats of different shapes, and puts them on, one after the other--all
of which are too big for him._] This is pleasant! Never mind. This one
appears to me to wabble about rather less than the others--[_Puts on
hat,_]--and now I'm off! By the bye, Mrs. Bouncer, I wish to call your
attention to a fact that has been evident to me for some time
past--and that is, that my coals go remarkably fast--
MRS. B. Lor, Mr. Cox!
COX. It is not the case only with the coals, Mrs. Bouncer, but I've
lately observed a gradual and steady increase of evaporation among my
candles, wood, sugar, and lucifer matches.
MRS. B. Lor, Mr. Cox! you surely don't suspect me?
COX. I don't say I do, Mrs. B.; only I wish you distinctly to
understand, that I don't believe it's the cat.
MRS. B. Is there anything else you've got to grumble about, sir?
COX. Grumble! Mrs. Bouncer, do you possess such a thing as a
dictionary?
MRS. B. No, sir.
COX. Then I'll lend you one--and if you turn to the letter G, you'll
find "Grumble, verb neuter--to complain without a cause." Now that's
not my case, Mrs. B., and now that we are upon the subject, I wish to
know how it is that I frequently find my apartment full of smoke?
MRS. B. Why--I suppose the chimney--
COX. The chimney doesn't smoke tobacco. I'm speaking of tobacco smoke,
Mrs. B. I hope, Mrs. Bouncer, _you're_ not guilty of cheroots or
Cubas?
MRS. B. Not I, indeed, Mr. Cox.
COX. Nor partial to a pipe?
MRS. B. No, sir.
COX. Then, how is it that--
MRS. B. Why--I suppose--yes--that must be it--
COX. At present I am entirely of your opinion--because I haven't the
most distant particle of an idea what you mean.
MRS. B. Why the gentleman who has got the attics, is hardly ever
without a pipe in his mouth--and there he sits, with his feet upon the
mantel-piece--
COX. The mantel piece! That strikes me as being a considerable
stretch, either of your imagination, Mrs. B., or the gentleman's legs.
I presume you mean the fender or the hob.
MRS. B. Sometimes one, sometimes t'other. Well, there he sits for
hours, and puffs away into the fire-place.
COX. Ah, then you mean to say that this gentleman's smoke, instead of
emulating the example of all other sorts of smoke, and going _up_ the
chimney, thinks proper to affect a singularity by taking the contrary
direction?
MRS. B. Why--
COX. Then, I suppose, the gentleman you are speaking of, is the same
individual that I invariably meet coming up stairs when I'm going
down, and going down stairs when I'm coming up!
MRS. B. Why--yes--I--
COX. From the appearance of his outward man, I should unhesitatingly
set him down as a gentleman connected with the printing interest.
MRS. B. Yes, sir--and a very respectable young gentleman he is.
COX. Well, good-morning, Mrs. Bouncer!
MRS. B. You'll be back at your usual time, I suppose, sir?
COX. Yes--nine o'clock. You needn't light my fire in future, Mrs.
B.--I'll do it myself. Don't forget the bolster! [_Going, stops._] A
halfpenny worth of milk, Mrs. Bouncer--and be good enough to let it
stand--I wish the cream to accumulate.
[_Exit at L. C._
MRS. B. He's gone at last! I declare I was all in a tremble for fear
Mr. Box would come in before Mr. Cox went out. Luckily, they've never
met yet--and what's more, they're not very likely to do so; for Mr.
Box is hard at work at a newspaper office all night, and doesn't come
home till the morning, and Mr. Cox is busy making hats all day long,
and doesn't come home till night; so that I'm getting double rent for
my room, and neither of my lodgers are any the wiser for it. It was a
capital idea of mine--that it was! But I haven't an instant to lose.
First of all, let me put Mr. Cox's things out of Mr. Box's way. [_She
takes the three hats, COX'S dressing gown and slippers, opens door at
L. and puts them in, then shuts door and locks it._] Now, then, to put
the key where Mr. Cox always finds it. [_Puts the key on the ledge of
the door, L._] I really must beg Mr. Box not to smoke so much. I was
so dreadfully puzzled to know what to say when Mr. Cox spoke about it.
Now, then, to make the bed--and don't let me forget that what's the
head of the bed for Mr. Cox, becomes the foot of the bed for Mr.
Box--people's tastes do differ so. [_Goes behind the curtains of the
bed, and seems to be making it--then appears with a very thin bolster
in her hand._] The idea of Mr. Cox presuming to complain of such a
bolster as this! [_She disappears again, behind curtains._]
BOX. [_Without._] Pooh--pooh! Why don't you keep your own side of the
staircase, sir? [_Enters at back, dressed as a Printer. Puts his head
out at door again, shouting._] It was as much your fault as mine, sir!
I say, sir--it was as much your fault as mine, sir!
MRS. B. [_Emerging from behind the curtains of bed._] Lor, Mr. Box!
what is the matter?
BOX. Mind your own business, Bouncer!
MRS. B. Dear, dear, Mr. Box! what a temper you are in, to be sure! I
declare you're quite pale in the face!
BOX. What colour would you have a man be, who has been setting up long
leaders for a daily paper all night?
MRS. B. But, then, you've all the day to yourself.
BOX. [_Looking significantly at MRS. BOUNCER._] So it seems! Far be it
from me, Bouncer, to hurry your movements, but I think it right to
acquaint you with my immediate intention of divesting myself of my
garments, and going to bed.
MRS. B. Oh, Mr. Box!
[_Going._
BOX. Stop! Can you inform me who the individual is that I invariably
encounter going down stairs when I'm coming up, and coming up stairs
when I'm going down?
MRS. B. [_Confused._] Oh--yes--the gentleman in the attic, sir.
BOX. Oh! There's nothing particularly remarkable about him, except his
hats. I meet him in all sorts of hats--white hats and black hats--hats
with broad brims, and hats with narrow brims--hats with naps, and hats
without naps--in short, I have come to the conclusion, that he must be
individually and professionally associated with the hatting interest.
MRS. B. Yes, sir. And, by the bye, Mr. Box, he begged me to request of
you, as a particular favor, that you would not smoke quite so much.
BOX. Did he? Then you may tell the gentle hatter, with my compliments,
that if he objects to the effluvia of tobacco, he had better
domesticate himself in some adjoining parish.
MRS. B. Oh, Mr. Box! You surely wouldn't deprive me of a lodger?
[_Pathetically._
BOX. It would come to precisely the same thing, Bouncer, because if I
detect the slightest attempt to put my pipe out, I at once give you
warning that I shall give you warning at once.
MRS. B. Well, Mr. Box--do you want anything more of me?
BOX. On the contrary--I've had quite enough of you!
MRS. B. Well, if ever! What next, I wonder?
[_Goes out at L. C., slamming door after her._
BOX. It's quite extraordinary, the trouble I always have to get rid of
that venerable female! She knows I'm up all night, and yet she seems
to set her face against my indulging in a horizontal position by day.
Now, let me see--shall I take my nap before I swallow my breakfast, or
shall I take my breakfast before I swallow my nap--I mean, shall I
swallow my nap before--no--never mind! I've got a rasher of bacon
somewhere--[_Feeling in his pockets_]--I've the most distinct and
vivid recollection of having purchased a rasher of bacon--Oh, here it
is--[_Produces it, wrapped in paper, and places it on table._]--and a
penny roll. The next thing is to light the fire. Where are my
lucifers? [_Looking on mantel-piece R., and taking box, opens it._]
Now, 'pon my life, this is too bad of Bouncer--this is, by several
degrees, too bad! I had a whole box full, three days ago, and now
there's only one! I'm perfectly aware that she purloins my coals and
my candles, and my sugar--but I did think--oh, yes, I did think that
my lucifers would be sacred! [_Takes candlestick off the mantel-piece,
R., in which there is a very small end of candle--looks at it._] Now I
should like to ask any unprejudiced person or persons their opinion
touching this candle. In the first place, a candle is an article that
I don't require, because I'm only at home in the day time--and I
bought this candle on the first of May--Chimney-sweepers'
Day--calculating that it would last me three months, and here's one
week not half over, and the candle three parts gone! [_Lights the
fire--then takes down a gridiron, which is hanging over the fireplace,
R._] Mrs. Bouncer has been using my gridiron! The last article of
consumption that I cooked upon it was a pork chop, and now it is
powerfully impregnated with the odour of red herrings! [_Places
gridiron on fire, and then, with a fork, lays rasher of bacon on the
gridiron._] How sleepy I am, to be sure! I'd indulge myself with a
nap, if there was anybody here to superintend the turning of my bacon.
[_Yawning again._] Perhaps it will turn itself. I must lie down--so,
here goes. [_Lies on the bed, closing the curtains round him--after a
short pause--_
_Enter COX, hurriedly, L. C._
COX. Well, wonders will never cease! Conscious of being eleven minutes
and a half behind time, I was sneaking into the shop, in a state of
considerable excitement, when my venerable employer, with a smile of
extreme benevolence on his aged countenance, said to me--"Cox, I
shan't want you to-day--you can have a holiday."--Thoughts of
"Gravesend and back--fare, One Shilling," instantly suggested
themselves, intermingled with visions of "Greenwich for Fourpence!"
Then came the Twopenny Omnibuses, and the Halfpenny boats--in short,
I'm quite bewildered! However, I must have my breakfast first--that'll
give me time to reflect. I've bought a mutton chop, so I shan't want
any dinner. [_Puts chop on table._] Good gracious! I've forgot the
bread. Holloa! what's this? A roll, I declare! Come, that's lucky!
Now, then, to light the fire. Holloa--[_Seeing the lucifer-box on
table,_]--who presumes to touch my box of lucifers? Why, it's empty! I
left one in it--I'll take my oath I did. Heydey! why, the fire _is_
lighted! Where's the gridiron? _On_ the fire, I declare! And what's
that on it? Bacon? Bacon it is! Well, now, 'pon my life, there is a
quiet coolness about Mrs. Bouncer's proceedings that's almost amusing.
She takes my last lucifer--my coals, and my gridiron, to cook her
breakfast by! No, no--I can't stand this! Come out of that! [_Pokes
fork into bacon, and puts it on a plate on the table, then places his
chop on the gridiron, which he puts on the fire._] Now, then, for my
breakfast things. [_Taking key, hung up, L., opens door L. and goes
out, slamming the door after him, with a loud noise._
BOX. [_Suddenly showing his head from behind the curtains._] Come in!
if it's you, Mrs. Bouncer--you needn't be afraid. I wonder how long
I've been asleep? [_Suddenly recollecting._] Goodness gracious--my
bacon! [_Leaps off bed, and runs to the fireplace._] Holloa! what's
this? A chop! Whose chop? Mrs. Bouncer's, I'll be bound.--She thought
to cook her breakfast while I was asleep--with _my_ coals, too--and my
gridiron! Ha, ha! But where's my bacon? [_Seeing it on table._] Here
it is. Well, 'pon my life, Bouncer's going it! And shall I curb my
indignation? Shall I falter in my vengeance? No! [_Digs the fork into
the chop, opens window, and throws chop out--shuts window again._] So
much for Bouncer's breakfast, and now for my own! [_With the fork he
puts the bacon on the gridiron again._] I may as well lay my breakfast
things.--[_Goes to mantel-piece at R., takes key out of one of the
ornaments, opens door at R. and exit, slamming door after him._
COX. [_Putting his head in quickly at L._] Come in--come in! [_Opens
door, L. C. Enters with a small tray, on which are tea things, &c.,
which he places on drawers, L. and suddenly recollects._] Oh,
goodness! my chop! [_Running to fireplace._] Holloa--what's that? The
bacon again! Oh, pooh! Zounds--confound it--dash it--damn it--I can't
stand this! [_Pokes fork into bacon, opens window, and flings it out,
shuts window again, returns to drawers for tea things, and encounters
BOX coming from his cupboard with his tea things--they walk down C. of
stage together._] Who are you, sir?
BOX. If you come to that--who are _you?_
COX. What do you want here, sir?
BOX. If you come to that--what do _you_ want?
COX. [_Aside._] It's the printer! [_Puts tea-things on the drawers._
BOX. [_Aside._] It's the hatter! [_Puts tea-things on table._
COX. Go to your attic, sir--
BOX. _My_ attic, sir? _Your_ attic, sir!
COX. Printer, I shall do you a frightful injury, if you don't
instantly leave my apartment.
BOX. _Your_ apartment? You mean _my_ apartment, you contemptible
hatter, you!
COX. _Your_ apartment? Ha! ha!--come, I like that! Look here,
sir--[_Produces a paper out of his pocket._] Mrs. Bouncer's receipt
for the last week's rent, sir--
BOX. [_Produces a paper, and holds it close to COX'S face._] Ditto,
sir!
COX. [_Suddenly shouting._] Thieves!
BOX. Murder!
BOTH. Mrs. Bouncer! [_Each runs to door, L. C., calling._
_MRS. BOUNCER runs in at door, L. C._
MRS. B. What is the matter? [_COX and BOX seize MRS. BOUNCER by the
arm, and drag her forward._
BOX. Instantly remove that hatter!
COX. Immediately turn out that printer!
MRS. B. Well--but, gentlemen--
COX. Explain!
[_Pulling her round to him._
BOX. Explain! [_Pulling her round to him._] Whose room is this?
COX. Yes, woman--whose room is this?
BOX. Doesn't it belong to me?
MRS. B. No!
COX. There! You hear, sir--it belongs to me!
MRS. B. No--it belongs to both of you!
[_Sobbing._
COX & BOX. Both of us?
MRS. B. Oh, dear gentlemen, don't be angry--but, you see, this
gentleman--[_Pointing to BOX,_]--only being at home in the daytime,
and that gentleman--[_Pointing to COX,_]--at night, I thought I might
venture, until my little back second floor room was ready--
COX & BOX. [_Eagerly._] When will your little back second floor room
be ready?
MRS. B. Why, to-morrow--
COX. I'll take it!
BOX. So will I!
MRS. B. Excuse me--but if you both take it, you may just as well stop
where you are.
COX & BOX. True.
COX. I spoke first, sir--
BOX. With all my heart, sir. The little back second floor room is
yours, sir--now, go--
COX. Go? Pooh--pooh!
MRS. B. Now don't quarrel, gentlemen. You see, there used to be a
partition here--
COX & BOX. Then put it up!
MRS. B. Nay, I'll see if I can't get the other room ready this very
day. Now _do_ keep your tempers.
[_Exit, L._
COX. What a disgusting position!
[_Walking rapidly round stage._
BOX. [_Sitting down on chair, at one side of table, and following
COX'S movements._] Will you allow me to observe, if you have not had
any exercise to-day, you'd better go out and take it.
COX. I shall not do anything of the sort, sir.
[_Seating himself at the table opposite BOX._
BOX. Very well, sir.
COX. Very well, sir! However, don't let me prevent _you_ from going
out.
BOX. Don't flatter yourself, sir. [_COX is about to break a piece of
the roll off._] Holloa! that's my roll, sir-- [_Snatches it away--puts
a pipe in his mouth, lights it with a piece of tinder--and puffs smoke
across to COX._
COX. Holloa! What are you about, sir?
BOX. What am I about? I'm about to smoke.
COX. Wheugh!
[_Goes and opens window at BOX'S back._
BOX. Holloa! [_Turns round._] Put down that window, sir!
COX. Then put your pipe out, sir!
BOX. There!
[_Puts pipe on table._
COX. There!
[_Slams down window and re-seats himself._
BOX. I shall retire to my pillow. [_Goes up, takes off his jacket,
then goes towards bed, and sits down upon it, L. C._
COX. [_Jumps up, goes to bed, and sits down on R. of BOX._] I beg your
pardon, sir--I cannot allow any one to rumple my bed. [_Both rising._]
BOX. _Your_ bed? Hark ye, sir--can you fight?
COX. No, sir.
BOX. No? Then come on--
[_Sparring at COX._
COX. Sit down, sir--or I'll instantly vociferate "Police!"
BOX. [_Seats himself--COX does the same._] I say, sir----
COX. Well, sir?
BOX. Although we are doomed to occupy the same room for a few hours
longer, I don't see any necessity for our cutting each other's
throats, sir.
COX. Not at all. It's an operation that I should decidedly object to.
BOX. And, after all, I've no violent animosity to you, sir.
COX. Nor have I any rooted antipathy to you, sir.
BOX. Besides, it was all Mrs. Bouncer's fault, sir.
COX. Entirely, sir. [_Gradually approaching chairs._]
BOX. Very well, sir!
COX. Very well, sir! [_Pause._]
BOX. Take a bit of roll, sir?
COX. Thank ye, sir. [_Breaking a bit off. Pause._]
BOX. Do you sing, sir?
COX. I sometimes join in a chorus.
BOX. Then give us a chorus. [_Pause._] Have you seen the Bosjemans,
sir?
COX. No, sir--my wife wouldn't let me.
BOX. Your _wife!_
COX. That is--my _intended_ wife.
BOX. Well, that's the same thing! I congratulate you! [_Shaking
hands._]
COX. [_With a deep sigh._] Thank ye. [_Seeing BOX about to get up._]
You needn't disturb yourself, sir. She won't come here.
BOX. Oh! I understand. You've got a snug little establishment of your
own _here_--on the sly--cunning dog--[_Nudging COX._]
COX. [_Drawing himself up._] No such thing, sir--I repeat, sir--no
such thing, sir, but my wife--I mean, my _intended_ wife--happens to
be the proprietor of a considerable number of bathing-machines----
BOX. [_Suddenly._] Ha! Where? [_Grasping COX'S arm._]
COX. At a favorite watering-place. How curious you are!
BOX. Not at all. Well?
COX. Consequently, in the bathing season--which luckily is rather a
long one--we see but little of each other; but as that is now over, I
am daily indulging in the expectation of being blessed with the sight
of _my_ beloved. [_Very seriously._] Are _you_ married?
BOX. Me? Why--not exactly!
COX. Ah--a happy bachelor!
BOX. Why--not--precisely!
COX. Oh! a--widower?
BOX. No--not absolutely!
COX. You'll excuse me, sir--but at present I don't exactly understand
how you can help being one of the three.
BOX. Not help it?
COX. No, sir--not you, nor any other man alive!
BOX. Ah, that may be--but I'm not alive!
COX. [_Pushing back his chair._] You'll excuse me, sir--but I don't
like joking upon such subjects.
BOX. I'm perfectly serious, sir. I've been defunct for the last three
years!
COX. [_Shouting._] Will you be quiet, sir?
BOX. If you won't believe me, I'll refer you to a very large,
numerous, and respectable circle of disconsolate friends.
COX. My dear sir--my _very_ dear sir--if there does exist any
ingenious contrivance whereby a man on the eve of committing matrimony
can leave this world, and yet stop in it, I shouldn't be sorry to know
it.
BOX. Oh! then I presume I'm not to set you down as being frantically
attached to your intended?
COX. Why, not exactly; and yet, at present, I'm only aware of one
obstacle to my doating upon her, and that is, that I can't abide her!
BOX. Then there's nothing more easy. Do as I did.
COX. [_Eagerly._] I will! What was it?
BOX. Drown yourself!
COX. [_Shouting again._] Will you be quiet, sir?
BOX. Listen to me. Three years ago it was my misfortune to captivate
the affections of a still blooming, though somewhat middle-aged widow,
at Ramsgate.
COX. [_Aside._] Singular enough! Just my case three months ago at
Margate.
BOX. Well, sir, to escape her importunities, I came to the
determination of enlisting into the Blues, or Life Guards.
COX. [_Aside._] So did I. How very odd!
BOX. But they wouldn't have me--they actually had the effrontery to
say that I was too short--
COX. [_Aside._] And I wasn't tall enough!
BOX. So I was obliged to content myself with a marching regiment--I
enlisted!
COX. [_Aside._] So did I. Singular coincidence!
BOX. I'd no sooner done so, than I was sorry for it.
COX. [_Aside._] So was I.
BOX. My infatuated widow offered to purchase my discharge, on
condition that I'd lead her to the altar.
COX. [_Aside._] Just my case!
BOX. I hesitated--at last I consented.
COX. [_Aside._] I consented at once!
BOX. Well, sir--the day fixed for the happy ceremony at length drew
near--in fact, too near to be pleasant--so I suddenly discovered that
I wasn't worthy to possess her, and I told her so--when, instead of
being flattered by the compliment, she flew upon me like a tiger of
the female gender--I rejoined--when suddenly something whizzed past
me, within an inch of my ear, and shivered into a thousand fragments
against the mantel-piece--it was the slop-basin. I retaliated with a
tea-cup--we parted, and the next morning I was served with a notice of
action for breach of promise.
COX. Well, sir?
BOX. Well, sir--ruin stared me in the face--the action proceeded
against me with gigantic strides--I took a desperate resolution--I
left my home early one morning, with one suit of clothes on my back,
and another tied up in a bundle, under my arm--I arrived on the
cliffs--opened my bundle--deposited the suit of clothes on the very
verge of the precipice--took one look down into the yawning gulph
beneath me, and walked off in the opposite direction.
COX. Dear me! I think I begin to have some slight perception of your
meaning. Ingenious creature! You disappeared--the suit of clothes were
found--
BOX. Exactly--and in one of the pockets of the coat, or the waistcoat,
or the pantaloons--I forget which--there was also found a piece of
paper, with these affecting farewell words: "This is thy work, oh,
Penelope Ann!"
COX. Penelope Ann! [_Starts up, takes BOX by the arm, and leads him
slowly to front of stage._] Penelope Ann?
BOX. Penelope Ann!
COX. Originally widow of William Wiggins?
BOX. Widow of William Wiggins!
COX. Proprietor of bathing machines?
BOX. Proprietor of bathing machines!
COX. At Margate?
BOX. And Ramsgate!
COX. It must be she! And you, sir--you are Box--the lamented, long
lost Box!
BOX. I am!
COX. And I was about to marry the interesting creature you so cruelly
deceived.
BOX. Ha! then you are Cox?
COX. I am!
BOX. I heard of it. I congratulate you--I give you joy! And now, I
think I'll go and take a stroll.
[_Going._
COX. No you don't! [_Stopping him._] I'll not lose sight of you till
I've restored you to the arms of your intended.
BOX. _My_ intended? You mean _your_ intended.
COX. No, sir--yours!
BOX. How can she be _my_ intended, now that I'm drowned?
COX. You're no such thing, sir! and I prefer presenting you to
Penelope Ann.
BOX. I've no wish to be introduced to your intended.
COX. _My_ intended? How can that be, sir? You proposed to her first!
BOX. What of that, sir? I came to an untimely end, and you popped the
question afterwards.
COX. Very well, sir!
BOX. Very well, sir!
COX. You are much more worthy of her than I am, sir. Permit me, then,
to follow the generous impulse of my nature--I give her up to you.
BOX. Benevolent being! I wouldn't rob you for the world! [_Going._]
Good morning, sir!
COX. [_Seizing him._] Stop!
BOX. Unhand me, hatter! or I shall cast off the lamb and assume the
lion!
COX. Pooh!
[_Snapping his fingers close to BOX'S face._
BOX. An insult! to my very face--under my very nose! [_Rubbing it._]
You know the consequences, sir--instant satisfaction, sir!
COX. With all my heart, sir!
[_They go to the fire-place, R., and begin ringing bells violently,
and pull down bell-pulls._
BOTH. Mrs. Bouncer! Mrs. Bouncer!
_MRS. BOUNCER runs in, L. C._
MRS. B. What is it, gentlemen?
BOX. Pistols for two!
MRS. B. Yes, sir
[_Going._
COX. Stop! You don't mean to say, thoughtless and imprudent woman,
that you keep loaded fire-arms in the house?
MRS. B. Oh no--they're not loaded.
COX. Then produce the murderous weapons instantly!
[_Exit MRS. BOUNCER, L. C._
BOX. I say, sir!
COX. Well, sir?
BOX. What's your opinion of duelling, sir?
COX. I think it's a barbarous practice, sir.
BOX. So do I, sir. To be sure, I don't so much object to it when the
pistols are not loaded.
COX. No: I dare say that _does_ make some difference.
BOX. And yet, sir--on the other hand--doesn't it strike you as rather
a waste of time, for two people to keep firing pistols at one another,
with nothing in 'em?
COX. No, sir--not more than any other harmless recreation.
BOX. Hark ye! Why do you object to marry Penelope Ann?
COX. Because, as I've observed already, I can't abide her. You'll be
very happy with her.
BOX. Happy! Me! With the consciousness that I have deprived _you_ of
such a treasure? No, no, Cox!
COX. Don't think of me, Box--I shall be sufficiently rewarded by the
knowledge of my Box's happiness.
BOX. Don't be absurd, sir!
COX. Then don't you be ridiculous, sir!
BOX. I won't have her!
COX. I won't have her!
BOX. I have it! Suppose we draw lots for the lady--eh, Mr. Cox?
COX. That's fair enough, Mr. Box.
BOX. Or, what say you to dice?
COX. With all my heart! Dice, by all means--[_Eagerly._]
BOX. [_Aside._] That's lucky! Mrs. Bouncer's nephew left a pair here
yesterday. He sometimes persuades me to have a throw for a trifle, and
as he always throws sixes, I suspect they are good ones.
[_Goes to the cupboard at R., and brings out the dice-box._
COX. [_Aside._] I've no objection at all to dice. I lost one pound,
seventeen and sixpence, at last Barnet Races, to a very gentlemanly
looking man, who had a most peculiar knack of throwing sixes; I
suspected they were loaded, so I gave him another half-crown, and he
gave me the dice.
[_Takes dice out of his pocket--uses lucifer box as substitute for
dice-box, which is on table._
BOX. Now then, sir!
COX. I'm ready, sir! [_They seat themselves at opposite sides of the
table._] Will you lead off, sir?
BOX. As you please, sir. The lowest throw, of course, wins Penelope
Ann?
COX. Of course, sir.
BOX. Very well, sir!
COX. Very well, sir!
BOX. [_Rattling dice and throwing._] Sixes!
COX. That's not a bad throw of yours, sir. [_Rattling dice--throws._]
Sixes!
BOX. That's a pretty good one of your's, sir. [_Throws._] Sixes!
COX. [_Throws._] Sixes!
BOX. Sixes!
COX. Sixes!
BOX. Sixes!
COX. Sixes!
BOX. Those are not bad dice of yours, sir.
COX. Your's seem pretty good ones, sir.
BOX. Suppose we change?
COX. Very well, sir.
[_They change dice._
BOX. [_Throwing._] Sixes!
COX. Sixes!
BOX. Sixes!
COX. Sixes!
BOX. [_Flings down the dice._] Pooh! It's perfectly absurd, your going
on throwing sixes in this sort of way, sir.
COX. I shall go on till my luck changes, sir!
BOX. Let's try something else. I have it! Suppose we toss for Penelope
Ann?
COX. The very thing I was going to propose!
[_They each turn aside and take out a handful of money._
BOX. [_Aside, examining money._] Where's my tossing shilling? Here it
is!
[_Selecting coin._
COX. [_Aside, examining money._] Where's my lucky sixpence? I've got
it!
BOX. Now then, sir,--heads win?
COX. Or tails lose--whichever you prefer.
BOX. It's the same to me, sir.
COX. Very well, sir. Heads, I win,--tails, you lose.
BOX. Yes--[_Suddenly_]--no. Heads win, sir.
COX. Very well--go on!
[_They are standing opposite to each other._
BOX. [_Tossing._] Heads!
COX. [_Tossing._] Heads!
BOX. [_Tossing._] Heads!
COX. [_Tossing._] Heads!
BOX. Ain't you rather tired of turning up heads, sir?
COX. Couldn't you vary the monotony of our proceedings by an
occasional tail, sir?
BOX. [_Tossing._] Heads!
COX. [_Tossing._] Heads!
BOX. Heads? Stop, sir! Will you permit me--[_Taking COX'S sixpence._]
Holloa! your sixpence has got no tail, sir!
COX. [_Seizing BOX'S shilling._] And your shilling has got two heads,
sir!
BOX. Cheat!
COX. Swindler! [_They are about to rush upon each other, then retreat
to some distance, and commence sparring, and striking fiercely at one
another._]
_Enter MRS. BOUNCER, L. H. C._
BOX & COX. Is the little back second floor room ready?
MRS. B. Not quite, gentlemen. I can't find the pistols, but I have
brought you a letter--it came by the General Post yesterday. I'm sure
I don't know how I forgot it, for I put it carefully in my pocket.
COX. And you've kept it carefully in your pocket ever since?
MRS. B. Yes, sir. I hope you'll forgive me, sir. [_Going._] By the
bye, I paid twopence for it.
COX. Did you? Then I _do_ forgive you.
[_Exit MRS. B._
[_Looking at letter._] "Margate." The post-mark decidedly says
"Margate."
BOX. Oh, doubtless a tender epistle from Penelope Ann.
COX. Then read it, sir. [_Handing letter to BOX._]
BOX. Me, sir?
COX. Of course. You don't suppose I'm going to read a letter from your
intended?
BOX. _My_ intended! Pooh! It's addressed to you--C. O. X.!
COX. Do you think that's a C.? It looks to me like a B.
BOX. Nonsense! Fracture the seal!
COX. [_Opens letter--starts._] Goodness gracious!
BOX. [_Snatching letter--starts._] Gracious goodness!
COX. [_Taking letter again._] "Margate--May the 4th. Sir,--I hasten to
convey to you the intelligence of a melancholy accident, which has
bereft you of your intended wife." He means _your_ intended!
BOX. No, _yours!_ However, it's perfectly immaterial--but she
unquestionably was yours.
COX. How can that be? You proposed to her first!
BOX. Yes, but then you--now don't let us begin again--Go on.
COX. [_Resuming letter._] "Poor Mrs. Wiggins went out for a short
excursion in a sailing boat--a sudden and violent squall soon after
took place, which, it is supposed, upset her, as she was found, two
days afterwards, keel upwards."
BOX. Poor woman!
COX. The boat, sir! [_Reading._] "As her man of business, I
immediately proceeded to examine her papers, amongst which I soon
discovered her will; the following extract from which will, I have no
doubt, be satisfactory to you. 'I hereby bequeath my entire property
to my intended husband.'" Excellent, but unhappy creature!
[_Affected._]
BOX. Generous, ill-fated being! [_Affected._]
COX. And to think that I tossed up for such a woman!
BOX. When I remember that I staked such a treasure on the hazard of a
die!
COX. I'm sure, Mr. Box, I can't sufficiently thank you for your
sympathy.
BOX. And I'm sure, Mr. Cox, you couldn't feel more, if she had been
your own intended!
COX. _If_ she'd been _my own_ intended? She _was_ my own intended!
BOX. _Your_ intended? Come, I like that! Didn't you very properly
observe just now, sir, that I proposed to her first?
COX. To which you very sensibly replied, that you'd come to an
untimely end.
BOX. I deny it!
COX. I say you have!
BOX. The fortune's mine!
COX. Mine!
BOX. I'll have it!
COX. So will I!
BOX. I'll go to law!
COX. So will I!
BOX. Stop--a thought strikes me. Instead of going to law about the
property, suppose we divide it.
COX. Equally?
BOX. Equally. I'll take two thirds.
COX. That's fair enough--and I'll take three-fourths.
BOX. That won't do. Half and half!
COX. Agreed! There's my hand upon it----
BOX. And mine.
[_About to shake hands--a Postman's knock heard at street door._
COX. Holloa! Postman again!
BOX. Postman yesterday--postman to-day.--
_Enter MRS. BOUNCER._
MRS. B. Another letter, Mr. Cox--twopence more!
COX. I forgive you again! [_Taking letter._] Another trifle from
Margate. [_Opens the letter--starts._] Goodness gracious!
BOX. [_Snatching letter--starts._] Gracious goodness!
COX. [_Snatching letter again--reads._] "Happy to inform you--false
alarm"--
BOX. [_Overlooking._] "Sudden squall--boat upset--Mrs. Wiggins, your
intended"--
COX. "Picked up by a steamboat"--
BOX. "Carried into Boulogne"--
COX. "Returned here this morning"--
BOX. "Will start by early train, to-morrow"--
COX. "And be with you at ten o'clock, exact."
[_Both simultaneously pull out their watches._
BOX. Cox, I congratulate you--
COX. Box, I give you joy!
BOX. I'm sorry that most important business of the Colonial Office
will prevent my witnessing the truly happy meeting between you and
your intended. Good-morning!
[_Going._
COX. [_Stopping him._] It's obviously for me to retire.--Not for
worlds would I disturb the rapturous meeting between you and your
intended. Good morning!
BOX. You'll excuse me, sir--but our last arrangement was, that she was
_your_ intended.
COX. No, yours!
BOX. Yours!
TOGETHER. Yours!
[_Ten o'clock strikes--noise of an omnibus._
BOX. Ha! What's that? A cab's drawn up at the door! [_Running to
window._] No--it's a twopenny omnibus!
COX. [_Leaning over BOX'S shoulder._] A lady's got out--
BOX. There's no mistaking that majestic person--it's Penelope Ann!
COX. Your intended!
BOX. Yours!
COX. Yours!
[_Both run to door, L. C., and eagerly listen._
BOX. Hark--she's coming up stairs!
COX. Shut the door!
[_They slam the door, and both lean up against it with their backs._
MRS. B. [_Without, and knocking._] Mr. Cox! Mr. Cox!
COX. [_Shouting._] I've just stepped out!
BOX. So have I!
MRS. B. Mr. Cox! [_Pushing at the door--COX and BOX redouble their
efforts to keep their door shut._] Open the door! It's only me--Mrs.
Bouncer!
COX. Only you? Then where's the lady?
MRS. B. Gone!
COX. Upon your honour?
BOX. As a gentleman?
MRS. B. Yes, and she's left a note for Mr. Cox.
COX. Give it to me!
MRS. B. Then open the door!
COX. Put it under! [_A letter is put under the door; COX picks up the
letter, and opens it._] Goodness Gracious!
BOX. [_Snatching letter._] Gracious Goodness!
[_COX snatches the letter, and runs forward, followed by BOX._
COX. [_Reading._] "Dear Mr. Cox, pardon my candor"--
BOX. [_Looking over, and reading._] "But being convinced that our
feelings, like our ages, do not reciprocate"--
COX. "I hasten to apprise you of my immediate union"--
BOX. "With Mr. Knox."
COX. Huzza!
BOX. Three cheers for Knox! Ha, ha, ha!
[_Tosses the letter in the air, and begins dancing. COX does the
same._
MRS. B. [_Putting her head in at door._] The little second floor back
room is quite ready!
COX. I don't want it!
BOX. No more do I!
COX. What shall part us?
BOX. What shall tear us asunder?
COX. Box!
BOX. Cox! [_About to embrace--BOX stops, seizes COX'S hand, and looks
eagerly in his face._] You'll excuse the apparent insanity of the
remark, but the more I gaze on your features, the more I'm convinced
that you're my long lost brother.
COX. The very observation I was going to make to you!
BOX. Ah--tell me--in mercy tell me--have you such a thing as a
strawberry mark on your left arm?
COX. No!
BOX. Then it is he!
[_They rush into each other's arms._
COX. Of course we stop where we are?
BOX. Of course!
COX. For, between you and me, I'm rather partial to this house.
BOX. So am I--I begin to feel quite at home in it.
COX. Everything so clean and comfortable--
BOX. And I'm sure the mistress of it, from what I have seen of her, is
very anxious to please.
COX. So she is--and I vote, Box, that we stick by her.
BOX. Agreed! There's my hand upon it--join but your's--agree that the
house is big enough to hold us both, then Box--
COX. And Cox--
BOTH. Are satisfied!
[_The Curtain Falls._
THE END.
Transcriber's Note
This transcription is based on scanned images posted by the Internet
Archive from a copy in the Library of Congress:
http://archive.org/details/boxcoxromanceofr00mort
The following changes were noted:
- p. 4: _Mrs. Vernon_--Inserted period after name for consistency.
- p. 4: R. C., _Right of Centre_--Inserted semicolon after "_Centre_".
- p. 11: [_Taking key, hung up, L. opens door..._--Inserted comma
after "L."
- p. 13: COX. Don't flatter yourself, sir.--Changed "COX" to "BOX".
- p. 13: BOX. Hollo! [_Turns round._]--Changed "Hollo!" to "Holloa"
for consistency.
- p. 18: ..._and brings out the dice-box.._--Deleted second period.
- p. 21: You propossd to her first!--Changed "propossd" to "proposed".
- p. 23: COX. [_Both run to door, L. C., and eagerly
listen._--Inserted the dialogue "Yours!" after "COX." and put the
stage direction on the following line. This emendation follows the
text of two other editions of the play that were inspected. The first,
an 1889 edition published by Walter H. Baker & Co., is available
through Google Books at http://books.google.com/books?id=Hms-AAAAYAAJ.
The second, reprinted in a collection of John Maddison Morton's plays,
_Comediettas and Farces,_ published in 1886 by Harper & Brothers, is
available through the Internet Archive at
http://archive.org/details/comediettasfarce00mort.
Variant spellings such as "trowsers," "doating," and "gulph," and
other inconsistencies of spelling not noted have been retained.
The html version of this etext attempts to reproduce the layout of the
printed text. However, some concessions have been made. For example,
the lists of abbreviations for exits and entrances and for relative
positions on p. 4 were centered rather than coded as indented
paragraphs to keep an abbreviation and the corresponding word or
phrase on the same line and to prevent uneven spacing between words
from line to line. In addition, stage directions printed flush right
were placed on a separate line, then indented the same amount from the
left margin and coded as hanging paragraphs.
In the text version of this etext, character titles preceding dialogue
and character names in the stage directions have been rendered in all
upper case letters.
End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Box and Cox, by John Maddison Morton
*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK BOX AND COX ***
***** This file should be named 42523.txt or 42523.zip *****
This and all associated files of various formats will be found in:
http://www.gutenberg.org/4/2/5/2/42523/
Produced by Paul Haxo from page images generously made
available by the Internet Archive and the Library of
Congress.
Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions
will be renamed.
Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no
one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation
(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without
permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules,
set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to
copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to
protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark. Project
Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you
charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission. If you
do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the
rules is very easy. You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose
such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and
research. They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do
practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks. Redistribution is
subject to the trademark license, especially commercial
redistribution.
*** START: FULL LICENSE ***
THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE
PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK
To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free
distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work
(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project
Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project
Gutenberg-tm License available with this file or online at
www.gutenberg.org/license.
Section 1. General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm
electronic works
1.A. By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm
electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to
and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property
(trademark/copyright) agreement. If you do not agree to abide by all
the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy
all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession.
If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project
Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the
terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or
entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8.
1.B. "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark. It may only be
used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who
agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement. There are a few
things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works
even without complying with the full terms of this agreement. See
paragraph 1.C below. There are a lot of things you can do with Project
Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement
and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
works. See paragraph 1.E below.
1.C. The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the Foundation"
or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project
Gutenberg-tm electronic works. Nearly all the individual works in the
collection are in the public domain in the United States. If an
individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are
located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from
copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative
works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg
are removed. Of course, we hope that you will support the Project
Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by
freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of
this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with
the work. You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by
keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project
Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others.
1.D. The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern
what you can do with this work. Copyright laws in most countries are in
a constant state of change. If you are outside the United States, check
the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement
before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or
creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project
Gutenberg-tm work. The Foundation makes no representations concerning
the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United
States.
1.E. Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg:
1.E.1. The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate
access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently
whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the
phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the phrase "Project
Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed,
copied or distributed:
This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or
re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
1.E.2. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived
from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is
posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied
and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees
or charges. If you are redistributing or providing access to a work
with the phrase "Project Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the
work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1
through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the
Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or
1.E.9.
1.E.3. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted
with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution
must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional
terms imposed by the copyright holder. Additional terms will be linked
to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the
permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work.
1.E.4. Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm
License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this
work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm.
1.E.5. Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this
electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without
prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with
active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project
Gutenberg-tm License.
1.E.6. You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary,
compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any
word processing or hypertext form. However, if you provide access to or
distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than
"Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official version
posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org),
you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a
copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon
request, of the work in its original "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other
form. Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm
License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1.
1.E.7. Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying,
performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works
unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9.
1.E.8. You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing
access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided
that
- You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from
the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method
you already use to calculate your applicable taxes. The fee is
owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he
has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the
Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation. Royalty payments
must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you
prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax
returns. Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and
sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the
address specified in Section 4, "Information about donations to
the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation."
- You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies
you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he
does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm
License. You must require such a user to return or
destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium
and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of
Project Gutenberg-tm works.
- You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any
money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the
electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days
of receipt of the work.
- You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free
distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works.
1.E.9. If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm
electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set
forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from
both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael
Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark. Contact the
Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below.
1.F.
1.F.1. Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable
effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread
public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm
collection. Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain
"Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or
corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual
property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a
computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by
your equipment.
1.F.2. LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right
of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project
Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project
Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project
Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all
liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal
fees. YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT
LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE
PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH 1.F.3. YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE
TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE
LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR
INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH
DAMAGE.
1.F.3. LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a
defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can
receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a
written explanation to the person you received the work from. If you
received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with
your written explanation. The person or entity that provided you with
the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a
refund. If you received the work electronically, the person or entity
providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to
receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund. If the second copy
is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further
opportunities to fix the problem.
1.F.4. Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth
in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS', WITH NO OTHER
WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO
WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE.
1.F.5. Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied
warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages.
If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the
law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be
interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by
the applicable state law. The invalidity or unenforceability of any
provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions.
1.F.6. INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the
trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone
providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance
with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production,
promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works,
harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees,
that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do
or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm
work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any
Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause.
Section 2. Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm
Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of
electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers
including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers. It exists
because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from
people in all walks of life.
Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the
assistance they need are critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's
goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will
remain freely available for generations to come. In 2001, the Project
Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure
and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations.
To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation
and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4
and the Foundation information page at www.gutenberg.org
Section 3. Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive
Foundation
The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit
501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the
state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal
Revenue Service. The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification
number is 64-6221541. Contributions to the Project Gutenberg
Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent
permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws.
The Foundation's principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S.
Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered
throughout numerous locations. Its business office is located at 809
North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887. Email
contact links and up to date contact information can be found at the
Foundation's web site and official page at www.gutenberg.org/contact
For additional contact information:
Dr. Gregory B. Newby
Chief Executive and Director
[email protected]
Section 4. Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg
Literary Archive Foundation
Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide
spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of
increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be
freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest
array of equipment including outdated equipment. Many small donations
($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt
status with the IRS.
The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating
charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United
States. Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a
considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up
with these requirements. We do not solicit donations in locations
where we have not received written confirmation of compliance. To
SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any
particular state visit www.gutenberg.org/donate
While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we
have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition
against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who
approach us with offers to donate.
International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make
any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from
outside the United States. U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff.
Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation
methods and addresses. Donations are accepted in a number of other
ways including checks, online payments and credit card donations.
To donate, please visit: www.gutenberg.org/donate
Section 5. General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
works.
Professor Michael S. Hart was the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm
concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared
with anyone. For forty years, he produced and distributed Project
Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support.
Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed
editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S.
unless a copyright notice is included. Thus, we do not necessarily
keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition.
Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility:
www.gutenberg.org
This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm,
including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary
Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to
subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks.
