The Project Gutenberg EBook of Operation R.S.V.P., by Henry Beam Piper
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Title: Operation R.S.V.P.
Author: Henry Beam Piper
Release Date: April 26, 2006 [EBook #18261]
Language: English
*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK OPERATION R.S.V.P. ***
Produced by Greg Weeks, Sankar Viswanathan, and the Online
Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net
Transcriber's Note:
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research did not uncover any evidence that the copyright on this
publication was renewed.
[Illustration:]
OPERATION R.S.V.P.
By
H. Beam Piper
_Vladmir N. Dzhoubinsky, Foreign Minister, Union of East European
Soviet Republics, to Wu Fung Tung, Foreign Minister, United Peoples'
Republics of East Asia_:
15 Jan. 1984
Honored Sir:
Pursuant to our well known policy of exchanging military and
scientific information with the Government, of friendly Powers, my
Government takes great pleasure in announcing the completely
successful final tests of our new nuclear-rocket guided missile
_Marxist Victory_. The test launching was made from a position south
of Lake Balkash; the target was located in the East Siberian Sea.
In order to assist you in appreciating the range of the new guided
missile _Marxist Victory_, let me point out that the distance from
launching-site to target is somewhat over 50 percent greater than the
distance from launching-site to your capital, Nanking.
My Government is still hopeful that your Government will revise its
present intransigeant position on the Khakum River dispute.
I have the honor, etc., etc., etc.,
V. N. Dzhoubinsky
[Illustration:]
_Wu Fung Tung, to Vladmir N. Dzhoubinsky_:
7 Feb., 1984
Estimable Sir:
My Government was most delighted to learn of the splendid triumph of
your Government in developing the new guided missile _Marxist
Victory_, and at the same time deeply relieved. We had, of course,
detected the release of nuclear energy incident to the test, and
inasmuch as it had obviously originated in the disintegration of a
quantity of Uranium 235, we had feared that an explosion had occurred
at your Government's secret uranium plant at Khatanga. We have long
known of the lax security measures in effect at this plant, and have,
as a consequence, been expecting some disaster there.
I am therefore sure that your Government will be equally gratified to
learn of the perfection, by my Government, of our own new guided
missile _Celestial Destroyer_, which embodies, in greatly improved
form, many of the features of your own Government's guided missile
_Marxist Victory_. Naturally, your own scientific warfare specialists
have detected the release of energy incident to the explosion of our
own improved thorium-hafnium interaction bomb; this bomb was exploded
over the North Polar ice cap, about two hundred miles south of the
Pole, on about 35 degrees East Longitude, almost due north of your
capital city of Moscow. The launching was made from a site in Thibet.
Naturally, my Government cannot deviate from our present just and
reasonable attitude in the Khakum River question. Trusting that your
Government will realize this, I have the honor to be,
Your obedient and respectful servant,
Wu Fung Tung
_From N. Y. TIMES, Feb. 20, 1984:_
AFGHAN RULER FETED AT NANKING
Ameer Shere Ali Abdallah Confers
With
UPREA Pres. Sung Li-Yin
_UEESR Foreign Minister Dzhoubinsky to Maxim G. Krylenkoff, Ambassador
at Nanking:_
3 March, 1984
Comrade Ambassador:
It is desired that you make immediate secret and confidential repeat
secret and confidential inquiry as to the whereabouts of Dr. Dimitri
O. Voronoff, the noted Soviet rocket expert, designer of the new
guided missile _Marxist Victory_, who vanished a week ago from the
Josef Vissarionovitch Djugashvli Reaction-Propulsion Laboratories at
Molotovgorod. It is feared in Government circles that this noted
scientist has been abducted by agents of the United Peoples' Republics
of East Asia, possibly to extract from him, under torture, information
of a secret technical nature.
As you know, this is but the latest of a series of such
disappearances, beginning about five years ago, when the Khakum River
question first arose.
Your utmost activity in this matter is required.
Dzhoubinsky
_Ambassador Krylenkoff to Foreign Minister Dzhoubinsky:_
9 March, 1984
Comrade Foreign Minister:
Since receipt of yours of 3/3/'84, I have been utilizing all resources
at my disposal in the matter of the noted scientist D. O. Voronoff,
and availing myself of all sources of information, e.g., spies, secret
agents, disaffected elements of the local population, and including
two UPREA Cabinet Ministers on my payroll. I regret to report that
results of this investigation have been entirely negative. No one here
appears to know anything of the whereabouts of Dr. Voronoff.
At the same time, there is considerable concern in UPREA Government
circles over the disappearances of certain prominent East Asian
scientists, e.g.. Dr. Hong Foo, the nuclear physicist; Dr. Hin
Yang-Woo, the great theoretical mathematician; Dr. Mong Shing, the
electronics expert. I am informed that UPREA Government sources are
attributing these disappearances to us.
I can only say that I am sincerely sorry that this is not the case.
Krylenkoff
_Wu Fung Tung to Vladmir N. Dzhoubinsky:_
21 April, 1984
Estimable Sir:
In accordance with our established policy of free exchange with
friendly Powers of scientific information, permit me to inform your
Government that a new mutated disease-virus has been developed in our
biological laboratories, causing a highly contagious disease similar
in symptoms to bubonic plague, but responding to none of the
treatments for this latter disease. This new virus strain was
accidentally produced in the course of some experiments with
radioactivity.
In spite of the greatest care, it is feared that this virus has spread
beyond the laboratory in which it was developed. We warn you most
urgently of the danger that it may have spread to the UEESR; enclosed
are a list of symptoms, etc.
My Government instructs me to advise your Government that the attitude
of your Government in the Khakum River question is utterly
unacceptable, and will require considerable revision before my
Government can even consider negotiation with your Government on the
subject. Your obedient and respectful servant,
Wu Fung Tung
_From N. Y. Times, May 12, 1984:_
AFGHAN RULER FETED AT
MOSCOW
Ameer sees Red Square Troop Review;
Confers with Premier-President Mouzorgin
_Sing Yat, UPREA Ambassador at Moscow, to Wu Fung Tung:_
26 June, 1984
Venerable and Honored Sir:
I regret humbly that I can learn nothing whatever about the fate of
the learned scholars of science of whom you inquire, namely: Hong Foo,
Hin Yang-Woo, Mong Shing, Yee Ho Li, Wong Fat, and Bao Hu-Shin. This
inability may be in part due to incompetence of my unworthy self, but
none of my many sources of information, including Soviet Minister of
Police Morgodoff, who is on my payroll, can furnish any useful data
whatever. I am informed, however, that the UEESR Government is deeply
concerned about similar disappearances of some of the foremost of
their own scientists, including Voronoff, Jirnikov, Kagorinoff,
Bakhorin, Himmelfarber and Pavlovinsky, all of whose dossiers are on
file with our Bureau of Foreign Intelligence. I am further informed
that the Government of the UEESR ascribes these disappearances to our
own activities.
Ah, Venerable and Honored Sir, if this were only true!
Kindly condescend to accept compliments of,
Sing Yat
_Dzhoubinsky to Wu Fung Tung:_
6 October, 1984
Honored Sir:
Pursuant to our well known policy of exchanging scientific information
with the Governments of friendly Powers, my Government takes the
greatest pleasure in announcing a scientific discovery of inestimable
value to the entire world. I refer to nothing less than a positive
technique for liquidating rats as a species.
This technique involves treatment of male rats with certain types of
hard radiations, which not only renders them reproductively sterile
but leaves the rodents so treated in full possession of all other
sexual functions and impulses. Furthermore, this condition of
sterility is venereally contagious, so that one male rat so treated
will sterilize all female rats with which it comes in contact, and
these, in turn, will sterilize all male rats coming in contact with
them. Our mathematicians estimate that under even moderately favorable
circumstances, the entire rat population of the world could be
sterilized from one male rat in approximately two hundred years.
Rats so treated have already been liberated in the granaries at
Odessa; in three months, rat-trappings there have fallen by 26.4
percent, and grain-losses to rats by 32.09 percent.
We are shipping you six dozen sterilized male rats, which you can use
for sterilization stock, and, by so augmenting their numbers, may
duplicate our own successes.
Curiously enough, this effect of venereally contagious sterility was
discovered quite accidentally, in connection with the use of hard
radiations for human sterilization (criminals, mental defectives,
etc.). Knowing the disastrous possible effects of an epidemic of
contagious human sterility, all persons so sterilized were liquidated
as soon as the contagious nature of their sterility had been
discovered, with the exception of a dozen or so convicts, who had been
released before this discovery was made. It is believed that at least
some of them have made their way over the border and into the
territory of the United Peoples' Republics of East Asia. I must
caution your Government to be on the lookout of them. Among a people
still practicing ancestor-worship, an epidemic of sterility would be a
disaster indeed.
My Government must insist that your Government take some definite step
toward the solution of the Khakum River question; the present position
of the Government of the United Peoples' Republics of East Asia on
this subject is utterly unacceptable to the Government of the Union of
East European Soviet Republics, and must be revised very considerably.
I have the honor, etc., etc.,
Vladmir N. Dzhoubinsky
_Coded radiogram, Dzhoubinsky to Krylenkoff:_
25 OCTOBER, 1984
ASCERTAIN IMMEDIATELY CAUSE OF RELEASE OF NUCLEAR ENERGY VICINITY OF
NOVA ZEMBLA THIS AM
DZHOUBINSKY
_Coded radiogram, Wu Fung Tung to Sing Yat:_
25 OCTOBER, 1984
ASCERTAIN IMMEDIATELY CAUSE OF RELEASE OF NUCLEAR ENERGY VICINITY OF
NOVA ZEMBLA THIS AM
WU
_Letter from the Ameer of Afghanistan to UEESR Premier-President
Mouzorgin and UPREA President Sung Li-Yin:_
26 October, 1984
SHERE ALI ABDALLAH, Ameer of Afghanistan, Master of Kabul, Lord of
Herat and Kandahar, Keeper of Khyber Pass, Defender of the True Faith,
Servant of the Most High and Sword-Hand of the Prophet; Ph.D.
(Princeton); Sc.B. (Massachusetts Institute of Technology); M.A.
(Oxford): to their Excellencies A.A. Mouzorgin, Premier-President of
the Union of East European Soviet Republics, and Sung Li-Yin,
President of the United Peoples' Republics of East Asia,
Greetings, in the name of Allah!
For the past five years, I have watched, with growing concern, the
increasing tensions between your Excellencies' respective Governments,
allegedly arising out of the so-called Khakum River question. It is my
conviction that this Khakum River dispute is the utterly fraudulent
device by which both Governments hope to create a pretext for the
invasion of India, each ostensibly to rescue that unhappy country from
the rapacity of the other. Your Excellencies must surely realize that
this is a contingency which the Government of the Kingdom of
Afghanistan cannot and will not permit; it would mean nothing short of
the national extinction of the Kingdom of Afghanistan, and the
enslavement of the Afghan people.
Your Excellencies will recall that I discussed this matter most
urgently on the occasions of my visits to your respective capitals of
Moscow and Nanking, and your respective attitudes, on those occasions,
has firmly convinced me that neither of your Excellencies is by nature
capable of adopting a rational or civilized attitude toward this
question. It appears that neither of your Excellencies has any
intention of abandoning your present war of mutual threats and
blackmail until forced to do so by some overt act on the part of one
or the other of your Excellencies' Governments, which would result in
physical war of pan-Asiatic scope and magnitude. I am further
convinced that this deplorable situation arises out of the
megalomaniac ambitions of the Federal Governments of the UEESR and the
UPREA, respectively, and that the different peoples of what you
unblushingly call your "autonomous" republics have no ambitions
except, on a rapidly diminishing order of probability, to live out
their natural span of years in peace. Therefore:
_In the name of ALLAH, the Merciful, the Compassionate: We,
Shere Ali Abdallah, Ameer of Afghanistan, etc., do decree
and command that the political entities known as the Union
of East European Soviet Republics and the United Peoples'
Republics of East Asia respectively are herewith abolished
and dissolved into their constituent autonomous republics,
each one of which shall hereafter enjoy complete sovereignty
within its own borders as is right and proper._
Now, in case either of you gentlemen feel inclined to laugh this off,
let me remind you of the series of mysterious disappearances of some
of the most noted scientists of both the UEESR and the UPREA, and let
me advise your Excellencies that these scientists are now residents
and subjects of the Kingdom of Afghanistan, and are here engaged in
research and development work for my Government. These gentlemen were
not abducted, as you gentlemen seem to believe; they came here of
their own free will, and ask nothing better than to remain here, where
they are treated with dignity and honor, given material
rewards--riches, palaces, harems, retinues of servants, etc.--and are
also free from the intellectual and ideological restraints which make
life so intolerable in your respective countries to any man above the
order of intelligence of a cretin. In return for these benefactions,
these eminent scientists have developed, for my Government, certain
weapons. For example:
1.) A nuclear-rocket guided missile, officially designated as the
_Sword of Islam_, vastly superior to your Excellencies' respective
guided missiles _Marxist Victory_ and _Celestial Destroyer_. It should
be; it was the product of the joint efforts of Dr. Voronoff and Dr.
Bao Hu-Shin, whom your Excellencies know.
2.) A new type of radar-radio-electronic defense screen, which can not
only detect the approach of a guided missile, at any velocity
whatever, but will automatically capture and redirect same. In case
either of your Excellencies doubt this statement, you are invited to
aim a rocket at some target in Afghanistan and see what happens.
3.) Both the UPREA mutated virus and the UEESR contagious sterility,
with positive vaccines against the former and means of instrumental
detection of the latter.
4.) A technique for initiating and controlling the Bethe
carbon-hydrogen cycle. We are now using this as a source of heat for
industrial and even domestic purposes, and we also have a
carbon-hydrogen cycle bomb. Such a bomb, delivered by one of our
_Sword of Islam_ Mark IV's, was activated yesterday over the Northern
tip of Nova Zembla, at an altitude of four miles. I am enclosing
photographic reproductions of views of this test, televised to Kabul
by an accompanying _Sword of Islam_ Mark V observation rocket. I am
informed that expeditions have been sent by both the UEESR and the
UPREA to investigate; they should find some very interesting
conditions. For one thing, they won't need their climbing equipment to
get over the Nova Zembla Glacier; the Nova Zembla Glacier isn't there,
any more.
5.) A lithium bomb. This has not been tested, yet. A lithium bomb is
nothing for a country the size of Afghanistan to let off inside its
own borders. We intend making a test with it within the next ten days,
however If your Excellencies will designate a target, which must be at
the center of an uninhabited area at least five hundred miles square,
the test can be made in perfect safety. If not, I cannot answer the
results; that will be in the hands of Allah, Who has ordained all
things. No doubt Allah has ordained the destruction of either Moscow
or Nanking; whichever city Allah has elected to erase, I will make it
my personal responsibility to see to it that the other isn't slighted,
either.
However, if your Excellencies decide to accede to my modest and
reasonable demands, not later than one week from today, this
test-launching will be cancelled as unnecessary. Of course, that would
leave unsettled a bet I have made with Dr. Hong Foo--a star sapphire
against his favorite Persian concubine--that the explosion of a
lithium bomb will not initiate a chain reaction in the Earth's crust
and so disintegrate this planet. This, of course, is a minor
consideration, unworthy of Your notice.
Of course, I am aware that both your Excellencies have, in the past,
fomented mutual jealousies and suspicions among the several
"autonomous" republics under your respective jurisdictions, as an
instrument of policy. If these peoples were, at this time, to receive
full independence, the present inevitability of a pan-Asiatic war on a
grand scale would be replaced only by the inevitability of a
pan-Asiatic war by detail. Obviously, some single supra-national
sovereignty is needed to maintain peace, and such a sovereignty should
be established under some leadership not hitherto associated with
either the former UEESR or the former UPREA. I humbly offer myself as
President of such a supra-national organization, counting as a matter
of course upon the whole-hearted support and co-operation of both your
Excellencies. It might be well if both your Excellencies were to come
here to Kabul to confer with me on this subject at your very earliest
convenience.
The Peace of Allah be upon both your Excellencies!
Shere Ali Abdallah,
Ph.D., Sc.B., M.A.
_From N. Y. Times, Oct. 30, 1984:_
MOUZORGIN, SUN LI-YIN,
FETED AT KABUL
Confer With Ameer;
Discuss Peace Plans
Surprise Developments Seen....
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