The Project Gutenberg EBook of The Purple Cow!, by Gelett Burgess
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Title: The Purple Cow!
Author: Gelett Burgess
Release Date: December 12, 2009 [EBook #30656]
Language: English
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[Illustration: The Purple Cow!]
Published by William Doxey, at the Sign of the Lark, San Francisco.
Copyright.
The Lark Book I., Nos. 1-12, with Table of Contents and Press Comments;
bound in canvas, with a cover design (The Piping Faun) by Bruce Porter,
painted in three colors. Price, 3.00, post-paid.
[Illustration: _THE LARK_
_Book 1 Nos. 1-12_]
_NOTES ON THE BIRTH OF THE LARK_
_Boston Herald._--"The pictures and rhymes in _The Lark_ rank with
the most remarkable things done for children since the days of Mother
Goose."
_Boston Budget._--"_The Lark_ is a reaction against the decadent spirit.
It is blithe, happy, full of the joy of life and the Greek within us--a
herald of the dawn of the new century."
_Boston Commonwealth._--"Everything in _The Lark_ is clever--some, we
may be permitted to add, cleverer than the rest."
_New York Critic._--"The faddists have produced some extraordinary
things in the way of literature, but nothing more freakish has made its
appearance in the last half-century than _The Lark_."
_New York Tribune._--"It is perhaps one-fourth a monthly periodical and
three-fourths an escapade. _The Lark_ ought really to be called 'The
Goose.'"
_New York Herald._--"The current number of _The Lark_ is, if possible,
more curious, more quaint, more preposterously humorous, and more
original than its predecessors. It is entirely unlike any other
publication."
_Richmond Times._--"We do not understand upon what the editor of
_The Lark_ bases anticipation of interest and consequent demand."
_Philadelphia Times._--"The young men who publish _The Lark_ have ideas
of their own. _The Lark_ is smart and funny in a way quite its own, and
it is also capable of serious flights and of musical notes clear enough
to be heard across the continent."
_Cincinnati Commercial Gazette._--"The worst thing about it being that
it is all too brief."
_Jersey City Chronicle._--"Every line in it is well worth perusal."
_St. Paul Globe._--"_The Lark_ partakes of the prevalent temper of life
on the Pacific Coast, where the don't-care mood of the West takes an
especially sunny and cheerful turn, and life looks a bigger joke than
elsewhere in the Union."
_St. Louis Mirror._--"_The Lark_ continues to be odd and ridiculous. Its
humor is quite unlike any other humor ever seen in this country. There
are good men with good pens working on _The Lark_."
_Kansas City Star._--"_The Lark_ seems to have attained a distinction
hitherto considered impossible in the unconventional. It seems really
original. It succeeds in holding in captivity the unexpected."
_Los Angeles: The Land of Sunshine._--"It is unlike anything nearer to
hand than 'Alice in Wonderland.'"
#Lark Posters.#--The full set of Eight Posters for THE LARK will be sent
post-paid for $2.00. The Lark Posters are printed from wooden blocks,
all but the first two having been cut by the artist.
May, 1895 _The Piping Faun_ Bruce Porter
Aug., 1895 _Mother and Child_ Florence Lundborg
Nov., 1895 _Mt. Tamalpais_ Florence Lundborg
Feb., 1896 _Robin Hood_ Florence Lundborg
May, 1896 _The Oread_ Florence Lundborg
Aug., 1896 _Pan Pipes_ Florence Lundborg
Nov., 1896 _Redwood_ Florence Lundborg
Feb., 1897 _Sunrise_ Florence Lundborg
_Published by_ WM. DOXEY, _at the Sign of the Lark, San Francisco._
CONTENTS
DEDICATION.
1. A LEGEND, Rare and Superfine,
Cribbed, some will say, from FRANKENSTEIN,
(It _is_ a little in that line).
2. MY FEET; a Memoir, with a Phase
Resembling some Equestrian Ways.
3. TH' INVISIBLE BRIDGE; a sort of Fable,--
Please understand, if you're able.
4. THE RUNAWAY TRAIN; a weird Creation
Of Fancy and Imagination,
Meant for the Rising Generation.
5. On CITY FLORA, semi-culled
By one whose Fame was somewhat dulled.
6. ASTONISHMENT; depicting how
Peculiar is the Verdant Bough.
7. The PURPLE COW'S projected Feast;
Reflections on a Mythic Beast
That's quite Remarkable, at least.
8. MY HOUSE, and how I make MY BED;
A Nocturne for a Sleepy-Head.
9. On DIGITAL EXTREMITIES;
A Poem (and a gem it is!)
10. THE GOOP; constructed on a Plan
Beyond the Intellect of Man.
11. PARISIAN NECTAR for the Gods;
A little thick--but what's the odds?
12. THE FLYING HOUSE; a Narrative
Of Sanity comparative,
And nothing much declarative.
(_Permission of S. F. Examiner._)
13. The Story of the GIANT HORSE;
'T is quite improbable, of course.
14. _WHAT_ SMITH _TRIED TO_ BELIEVE; a Study
That will appeal to anybuddy.
15. The TOWEL AND THE DOOR,--ah well!
I'll not attempt the Tale to tell.
16. The TOWEL AND THE DOOR again!
The Story's told--is it in vain?
17. The FOOTLESS FEAT of Mrs. Box
_Posteaque, fiat Nox!_
18. And now, allow the PURPLE COW
To make her Bow.
TO THE
READERS OF "_THE LARK_"
WHO HAVE LAUGHED
THEY KNEW NOT WHY,
THESE INARTISTIC ABERRATIONS
ARE GRATEFULLY DEDICATED.
GELETT BURGESS
_THE PECULIAR HISTORY OF THE CHEWING-GUM MAN._
O Willie, an' Wallie, an' Huldy Ann,
They went an' built a big CHEWIN'-GUM MAN:
It was none o' your teenty little dots,
With pinhole eyes an' pencil-spots;
But this was a terribul big one--well,
'T was a'most as high as the Palace Hotel!
_It took 'em a year to chew the gum!!_
And Willie he done it all, 'cept some
That Huldy got her ma to chew,
By the time the head was ready to do.
* * * * *
Well, Willie he chewed it for days 'n' days;
They brung it to him in gret big drays;
An' fast as he got it good an' soft,
Then Wallie he come and carried it oft.
Then he'd roll it into a gret big ball,
_An' he made a-more'n a MILLION in all!_
Then Huldy Ann she spanked 'em flat
An' pinched an' poked, an' the like o' that,
Till she got it inter a gret big hunk--
My! didn't Huldy have the spunk!
And then she sliced one end half-way
To make the laigs ('cause they never stay
When you stick 'em on in a seprit piece--
Seems like the ends was made o' grease);
And she slit an arm right up each side,--
I couldn't a done it if I'd a tried!
O' course, her brothers they helped her, though,
An' rolled the arms an' laigs out, so
They all was smooth with roundin' bends
An' _chopped_ the fingers inter the ends!
An' when their mother had chewn the head,
She went an' _stuck_ it on, instead!
An' then, when the man was almost done,
They had an awful lots o' fun.
A-walkin' down his stummick was best
To make the buttons onter his vest!
They struck big cartwheels in him for eyes;
His eyes was both tremendous size;
His nose was a barrel--an' then beneath
They used a ladder, to make his teeth!
An' when he was layin' acrost the street
Along come their daddy, as white 's a sheet,--
He was skeert half outer his wits, I guess,
An' he didn't know whatter make o' the mess,--
But Huldy she up an' begun to coax
To have him down town, to skeer the folks!
So her dad he grabbed him offen the street,
An' Willie an' Wallie they took his feet,
An' they dragged him clean down to the Cogswell fountain,
An' stood him up as big as a mountain!
You'd orter seen him a-standin' there,
A-straddlin' Market street in the air!
Well, he stood up straight for a week 'n' a half
An' the folks, Gee! didn't they yell 'n' laff:
The boys clum up his laigs quite bold--
The gum was so soft they got good hold;
The cars run under him day an' night,
An' the people come miles to see the sight!
Well, after he'd stayed as stiff 's a post,
With his head on top o' the roofts almost,
The sun come outer the fog one day
An'--well, I guess you can see the way
That gret big feller begun to melt;--
_Imagine how Willie and Wallie felt!_
For first he cocked his head out some,
An' when the heat got inter the gum
He slowly waved his arms ahead
An' slanted forred, just like he was dead!
[Illustration]
An' all day long he leaned an' bent
Till all expected he would have went
An' pitched right over. They roped the street
To keep the crowd away from his feet.
I tell yer he was a sight; my soul!
Twicet as high as a telegraft pole,
Wavin' his arms an' slumpin' his feet
An' a-starin' away down Market street.
Then, what did I tell yer--that blame old head
Their mother had made a-seprit, instead,--
It fell right off an' squashed a horse!
('T was so soft, it didn't _kill_ him, o' course.)
When his hands got so they touched the ground
A hundred policemen they come around;
They stuck a cable-car to his feet,
An' one to his head, a goin' up street,
An' then they pulled him opposite ways,
An' they pulled him for days 'n' days 'n' days,
An' they drored him out so slim an' small
That he reached a _mile 'n' a half_, in all.
An' that was the end o' the CHEWIN'-GUM MAN
For Willie, an' Wallie, an' Huldy Ann.
They come along with an ax next day,
An' chopped him up, and guv him away.
[Illustration]
[Illustration]
My Feet they haul me 'round the House;
They hoist me up the Stairs;
I only have to steer them and
They ride me everywheres.
[Illustration]
I'd never dare to walk across
A Bridge I could not see,
For quite afraid of falling off
I fear that I should be!
_ADULT'S DEPARTMENT:_
Oh, Willie and Wallie and Pinkie Jane!
They run away with a Railroad Train!
'T was Wallie got up the ridiculous plan,--
'T was most as good as the Chewin'-Gum Man!
Wallie is terribul funny--My!
He can make up a face that would make you die,
An' when Pinkie Jane come down to the city
He tried to show off, for she's awful pretty.
So they all went over across the Bay,
To have a picnic, and spend the day.
At Sixteenth Street they got off the cars
A-grinnin' an' giggling so,--My Stars!
A Enormus Crowd begun to collect,
But nobuddy knew just what to expect.
Then up the track come a little spot,
An' nearer and nearer and NEARER it got,
And Willie and Wallie and Pinkie Jane
Stood right in the road of the Overland Train!!!
The folks on the platform begun to yell,
"_Look out!--get off!!_" an' the engine bell
[Illustration]
_THE RUNAWAY TRAIN_:
Was ringin' like mad,--but them children stood
As calm as if they was made of wood!
And a great big fat man yelled,--"_Oh Golly!
For Heaven's sakes, just look at Wallie!_"
As the train came thunderin' down the rail,
The wimmin all turned terribul pale.
But Wallie he stood there, stiff 's a soldier,
An' then (you remember what I told yer)
He made up a horribul face,--and whack!
He SCARED THE ENGINE RIGHT OFF'N THE TRACK!
An' the train jumped forreds an' squirmed around,
A-wrigglin' an' jigglin' over the ground;
And all the people they had to git,
For the blame old engine it had a fit!
But when the train got onto the track,
Them children they clum right onto its back,
And they tickled it so that all to once
It gave 'em a lot of shivers an' grunts,
And it humped itself way up in the air,
And p'raps it didn't give them a scare!
[Illustration]
_AN IMPOSSIBLE EPIC_:
Then it puffed an' puffed, a-faster an' faster,
While Wallie sat there like an old school-master,
A-drivin' that train till, I tell you what!
You no idea what a nerve he's got!
Willie he held on to Wallie, an' Jane
Held onto Willie with might and main.
Then they hitched along, like an old inch-worm,
With now a spazzum, and then a squirm;
But Willie and Wallie and Pinkie Jane,
They soon got sick o' that Railroad train!
But when they crawled to the last end car
To jump on the ground, where it wasn't far,
They got a heap worse off, instead,
For that nasty train, it stood on its head!
An' they all yelled, "Telegraft Huldy Ann,
And make her come as quick as she can.
We can't get off. Oh, hurry up, please!
What would we do if the thing should sneeze?"
[Illustration]
_SEQUEL TO THE CHEWING-GUM MAN_
I tell yer them children was in a fix
While that mad engine was doin' his tricks.
But the messenger-boy found Huldy Ann,
An' she said, "I'm glad that I ain't a man!
I'll show 'em how!" an' she crossed the Bay,
An' she see in a wink where the trouble lay.
An' she said, "You go, an' you telegraft back
For a load o' candy to block the track!"
An' when they sent it, she piled it high
With chocolate caramels, good ones,--My!
Peppermint drops and cocoanut cream,
Till it looked too good for a Christmas dream!
And the sun it melted and finished the job
Into one great elegant sticky gob!
So the train run into it lickety-split,
An' the cow-catcher stuck, when the engine hit,--
An' the tail o' the train flew up and threw
Them children into that caramel goo!
They fell clear in,--way over their head,
But Ann eat 'em out, an' sent 'em to bed!
[Illustration]
[Illustration]
There is a Theory some deny,
That Lamp Posts once were three foot high,
And a Little Boy was terrible strong,
And he stretched 'em out to 'leven foot long!
[Illustration]
I picked some Leaves from off a Tree,
And then I nearly Fainted:
For somehow it Astonished me
To find they'd All been Painted!
[Illustration]
I never saw a PURPLE COW, I never HOPE to see one;
But I can tell you, anyhow, I'd rather SEE than BE one!
[Illustration]
My House is made of Graham Bread,
Except the ceiling 's made of White;
Of Angel Cake I make my Bed;
I eat my Pillow every night!
[Illustration]
I'd rather have Fingers than Toes;
I'd rather have Ears than a Nose;
And as for my Hair,
I'm glad it's all there,
I'll be awfully sad when it goes!
[Illustration]
Now you are what I call a GOOP!
A Co-tangent harmonious Loop
You appear to be facing due South
But O what have you done with your Mouth?
[Illustration]
Many People seem to Think
Plaster o' Paris good to Drink:
Though conducive unto Quiet
I prefer another Diet!
[Illustration]
THE:FLYING:HOUSE
Written and Illustrated by GELETT:BURGESS
O Willie an' Wallie, you better believe,
They had a circus on Christmas Eve
With Huldy Ann an' Pinkie Jane--
The folks imagined they'd went insane!
Them twins had an awfully narrow shave--
They nearly was killt, for they wouldn't behave!
Huldy's a winner! She hatched the scheme
On the day before Christmas; an' that there team--
That Willie an' Wallie--they worked like mad--
You've no idea what a time they had!
'Twas the day before Christmas, at half-past three,
When Huldy she up an' she says, says she:
"You Willie an' Wallie, you go in the yard
An' get that windmill--it won't be hard--
An' bring it an' put it on top of the house,
An' don't make no more noise than a mouse!
'For I know something I won't tell,
Nine little niggers in a peanut shell!'"
Well, the twins they knew when she said that,
Huldy wa' n't talkin' much through her hat.
So they worked an' they tugged for more 'n an hour,
'Till they got that windmill off'n the tower;
An' they hauled it up to the roof with ropes,
Way on the ridgepole, 'tween the slopes.
[Illustration]
[Illustration]
They was almost dead, it tired 'em so,
An' Will druv a splinter into his toe!
An' all this time both Pinkie Jane
An' Huldy was workin' with might an' main,
A-shuttin' the doors, an' the windows too,
An' stoppin' up cracks where the leaks come through.
An' when it was tight, she slipped inside
An' turned the gas on good an' wide!
An' she screamed, "Look out that you don't get smothered:
Climb up on the roof where I won't be bothered!"
When the house filled up with the gas inside,
It trembled an' jiggled from side to side;
An' when the gas filled it good an' full
The ole foundations began to pull;
Then Huldy she pushed it a little mite,
An' the house riz up in the air all right!
An' it riz an' riz like a ole balloon.
An' Ann got aboard of it none too soon;
For it flew away off up into the sky
With her holdin' on by her hands--Oh my!
But she clum on top, an' you'd oughter have seen
Them workin' that wheel like a flyin' machine!
Well, after they'd flew an hour or so
They came to a mountain all covered with snow,
An' there on the top they happened to see
A enermous great big Christmas tree!
Then Huldy steered 'em over the top,
An' they let down an anchor to make 'em stop;
An' Willie an' Wallie they yelled with glee,
An' jumped right into that Christmas tree!
They let down a ladder for them two girls
That didn't darst jump for spoilin' their curls!
They was toys an' games an' wagons an' dolls,
All trimmed with tinsel an' fol-de-rols!
For Santa Claus had just drove away,
An' Wallie he said that he seen the sleigh!
Well, when they'd eat all the candy they could,
They loaded their house with things up good.
(But they hurried for fear that the old man'd come back
An' catch 'em an' give 'em a larrupin' whack!)
Then they got on the roof, an' they cut the string
An' away they flew like everything!
[Illustration]
The twins worked the wheel an' Huldy steered,
An' Pinkie clung tight--she was awfully skeered:
They got back home at half-past six,
But, oh! they got into a nawful fix!
For just as they sunk the house gave a lurch
An' they landed right on top of a church!
An' they punched a hole through the roof with the steeple,
To the great amazement of all of the people!
An' the toys fell out of that house in the air,
An' all the children in the town was there.
So every one got a present again
'Cept Willie an' Wallie an' Huldy an' Jane--
An' it served 'em right, don't you think? because
They'd stolen the presents from Santa Clause.
[Illustration]
[Illustration]
Once there was a GIANT HORSE,
That walked through all the Town,
A-stepping into all the Roofs,
And Smashing Houses down!
[Illustration]
WHAT:SMITH:TRIED:TO:BELIEVE _refused by_ ST NICHOLAS, BIBELOT,
NEW:REVIEW, POLYNESIAN:MONITOR _and_ SAN FRANCISCO:CLIMAX
Well, I come home late that night, near one o'clock, I reckon, and I
undressed in the dark as per usual. When I gut into bed I thot it felt
as tho sumbuddy hed bin there, and when I kicked out my leg sure enough
there was sumbuddy there. Well, I thot Rats, what's the difference; I'll
go to sleep, it's only a man. But I kinder could'nt sleep, so I got up
and lit a cigaroot, and I saw the feller that was in bed with me wos
dead. Well, I thot Rats, what's the difference, he wont git over to my
side of the bed anyway; so I turned over and went to sleep. Well, I
fired my cigaroot in ther paper-basket and went to sleep. Well, after
a while I thot I smealed smoke, and it wasn't cigaroot smoke, but the
basket was all afire, and burning like a editor's soul after death.
Well, I thot Rats, what's the difference. Well, it looked so bright and
comfortable I thot I'd get up and read. By this time one corner of the
room was goin' like 4 o'clock, and it was nice and warm. After I'd read
about ten minits, it got so hot I cuddent stand it, and I got up and
went into ther next room. Well, I thot Rats, what's the difference.
Well, in about a hour there was a big crowd outside of the house, and
they was all yellin' Fire to beat the band. I looked out er winder.
Jump, says the fireman, and I jumped. Then I walked off, and a feller
says, says he, "You blame fool, you've bruk yer leg." Well, I thot Rats,
what's the difference?
[Illustration]
The Towel hangs upon the Wall,
And, somehow, I don't care at all!
The Door is open;--I must say
I rather fancy it that Way!
[Illustration]
,llaW eht nopu sgnah lewoT ehT
!lla ta erac t'nod I, wohemos,dnA
yas tsum I--;nepo si rooD ehT
!yaW taht ti ycnaf rehtar I
_THE SOLES OF THE UNFORTUNATES._
Likkery had but one leg[A] when I married him.[B] I did not realize what
this meant {it meant 41 right-foot shoes [for he was extravagant (and I
was economical[C]) to a degree] in his dressing closet} until he died.
{I could not bear to throw
{them away.
{
{The clerks asserted that all
{their one-legged right-footed
I could not get rid of them {customers wore
{large sizes.[D]
{
{There were not weddings
{enough to throw them all
{after the carriages.
Chapter II.
[Sidenote: Mr. Silk _WAS_ a two-legged gentleman.]
My second marriage WOULD have been happy, but my husband met with a
distressing accident, which necessitated an amputation ^{of his right
leg} of his wrong leg. So the collection increased.
In spite of all my precautions, Mr. Silk's shoes would often be left
pointing toward the bed.[E] How I suffered! At last Mr. Silk died. The
day after the funeral, I made a procession of all the shoes--
ORDER:
1. Patent leathers
2. Brogans
3. Bluchers (small)
4. Bluchers (large)
5. Tan shoes
6. Slippers (carpet)
7. Congresses
8. Riding boots
9. Pumps
Sixty-two right-foot shoes, ^{toe to heel,} they reached from my
bedroom[F] to the stairs.
I was in despair when a small-footed man named Box proposed to me. I
looked at his feet and accepted him. (I was sure the shoes would fit.)
* * * * *
As soon as he was asleep I approached his prostrate form (my axe was
sharp {I ground it myself} and my mind was set).
Sixty-two soles inspired me.[G] I struck the blow!--Then the HORROR of
my deed seized me. The rest is too awful!
NOTE: I had cut off the wrong foot!
[A] Left leg.
[B] Fool that I was.
[C] For he could get a pair at the same price as a single shoe.
[D] Likkery wore No. 3's.
[E] It is a common superstition among children that this encourages bad
dreams.
[F] Bay-window.
[G] I was determined they should at last be worn out.
[Illustration]
Ah, yes, I wrote the "Purple Cow"--
I'm Sorry, now, I wrote it;
But I can tell you Anyhow
I'll Kill you if you Quote it!
The Lark Book II., Nos. 13-24, with Table of Contents and EPILARK; bound
in canvas, with cover design (Pan Pipes) by Florence Lundborg, painted
in three colors. Price, 3.00, post-paid.
[Illustration: Book II--Nos. 13-24]
_NOTES ON THE PASSING OF THE LARK_
_Literary Review._--"Its ways were ways of pleasantness, and all its
paths were peace. It had no enemies and all its friends were true ones.
We see it go with a real regret and a feeling that we could have better
spared a better paper."--CAROLYN WELLS.
_New York Times._--"Regret moderately deep and thoroughly sincere will
be felt all over the country, at the announcement that _The Lark_ has
ceased publication. A considerable number of people could see no humor
and less meaning in its songs, but thousands of others had keener eyes
and ears, and looked and listened with delight."
_Cincinnati Commercial Tribune._--"_The Lark_ is dead, and the _Epilark_
has come and gone, leaving behind them only a haunting echo of joyous
song and a love of living delicious to contemplate."
_St. Paul Daily Globe._--"But the mood in which we turn the Japanese
pages of the last _Lark_ is anything but flippant. It is something to
have known youth and gayety, enthusiasm and a bravery which flies in the
face of day, and now--something to have lost them. _The Lark_ has lived
and now dies well, and, to some at least, the time of its irregular
appearance will no longer be a red-letter day."
_The Philosopher._--"And now _The Lark_ announces its end. It was the
freshest, purest breath of air that ever blew across the atmosphere of
letters."
_London Times._--"So unique in literature and illustration, we are sorry
to note that its publication is to be suspended. The bound volumes for
the two years it has been running deserve a place in the libraries of
all lovers of the odd and advanced in literature."
_Paragraphs._--"No more shall its cool notes delight the tree-tops, and
no longer may we follow in the footsteps of Vivette. It is a pity, of
course; but what can you expect? Larks must be fed, and--no one thinks
of feeding them."
_Trenton Tribune._--"Its clever foolery shows how big a void was created
when _The Lark_ decided to sing no more. _The Lark_ was the one new
thing in junior magazinedom that did not outlive its welcome."
_St. Louis Mirror._--"It smacked of Robert Louis Stevenson. It was
'Alice in Wonderland' in picture. It was art through a crazy
looking-glass. It was the realism of nonsense. The whole country laughed
at the strange pictures with the brilliantly unintelligible verses. But
much of it was not understood of the people who need diagrams. _The
Lark_ was always too high in the blue for the many; but for those who
might mount with him or to him--for those the magazinelet was published.
Those enjoyed it; and now they regret it--for _The Lark_ is no more. It
was so original that its death is its only unoriginality."
#The Lark Almanac for 1899:#
Being a collection of vagaries from THE LARK, with original designs by
Porter Garnett; uniform in size with "The Purple Cow." Price, 50c.
_Published by_ WM. DOXEY, _at the Sign of the Lark, San Francisco_
"Who'll be the Clerk!"
"I!" said _THE LARK_.
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