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Title: Drawn at a Venture
A Collection of Drawings
Author: Fougasse
Release Date: October 23, 2014 [EBook #47176]
Language: English
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DRAWN AT A VENTURE
DRAWN AT A VENTURE
A COLLECTION OF DRAWINGS
BY
FOUGASSE
WITH AN INTRODUCTION
BY
A. A. MILNE
METHUEN & CO. LTD.
36 ESSEX STREET W.C.
LONDON
_First Published in 1922_
INTRODUCTION
THERE are various methods of introducing an artist to his public.
One of the best is to describe how you saved his life in the Bush
in '82; or he saved yours; and then you go on: "Little did either
of us anticipate in those far-off days that Fougasse was destined
to become...." Another way is to leave Fougasse out altogether, and
concentrate, how happily, on your own theories of black-and-white
drawing, or politics, or the decline of the churches; after all, an
introduction doesn't last long, and he has the rest of the book to
himself. Perhaps, however, it is kinder to keep the last paragraph for
him: "Take these little sketches by Fougasse, for instance...." and
the reader, if he cares to any longer, can then turn over and take
them. Left to ourselves, that is the method we should adopt. But the
publisher is at our elbow. "This is an introduction," he says. "For
Heaven's sake introduce the fellow."
Let us begin, then, by explaining Fougasse's nationality. I never
discuss his drawings with another, but we tell each other how
remarkable it is that a Frenchman should have such an understanding
of English sport. "Of course," we say, "in the actual drawing
the nationality reveals itself; the Gallic style stands forth
unmistakeably; only a Frenchman has just that line. But how amazingly
British is the outlook! Was there ever a Frenchman before who
understood and loved cricket as this one?" We ask ourselves how
the phenomenon is to be explained. The explanation is simple. A
fougasse--I quote the dictionary--is a small mine from six to twelve
feet underground charged either with powder or loaded shells; and if a
British sapper subaltern, severely wounded at Gallipoli, beguiles the
weary years of hospital by drawing little pictures and sending them
up to _Punch_, he may as well call himself Fougasse as anything else.
Particularly if his real name is Bird, and if a Bird, whose real name
is Yeats, is already drawing for _Punch_. Of course it would have been
simpler if they had all stuck to their own names like gentlemen, but it
is too late now to do anything about it, and when a genuine M. Fougasse
of Paris comes along, he will have to call himself Tomkins. Once the
downward path of deceit is trodden, there is seemingly no end to it.
We have our artist, then, Kenneth Bird of Morar, Inverness. When I
first met him at the beginning of 1919, he was just out of hospital,
swinging slowly along with the aid of a pair of rocking-horse crutches.
This was on his annual journey south, for they have the trains in Morar
now. Once a year Fougasse makes the great expedition to London, to
see what the latest fashions may be, and is often back in Morar again
before they have changed to something later. I have seen him each year;
in 1920 with two ordinary crutches; in 1921 with two sticks; in 1922
with one stick; perhaps by 1923 he will be playing again the games of
which he makes such excellent fun. But, selfishly, we cannot regret the
Turkish bullet, which turned what I suspect of being quite an ordinary
engineer into such an individual black-and-white draughtsman.
I am really the last person who should be writing this introduction,
for all drawing is to me a mystery. When I put two dots, a horizontal
line and a vertical line into a circle, the result is undoubtedly
a face, but whose, or what expressing, I cannot tell you until
afterwards, nor always then. But these mystery men can definitely
promise you beforehand that their dot-and-line juggling will represent
Contempt or Surprise or Mr. Asquith, just as you want it. It is very
strange; and, sometimes I think, not quite fair. However, this is not
the place wherein to dwell upon the injustice of it. What I wanted to
say was that with Fougasse I feel a little more at ease than usual;
we have something in common. Accepting the convention that writers
write exclusively with the pen, and that black-and-white artists draw
exclusively with the pencil, I should describe Fougasse as more nearly
a Brother of the Pen than any of the others. Were I in the _Punch_
office now, I should never begin my weekly contribution until his
drawing had turned up, lest it should prove that he had already written
it for me; and he, I like to tell myself, would be equally fearful lest
that very week I might have got his drawing into type. "The Tragedy of
a Trouser," for instance--it is a whole article. Any wide-awake Trade
Union would forbid it.
But it is Fougasse's golf and cricket articles of which, as a rival
practitioner, I should have complained most; in which, Plancus no
longer consul, I delight most. Turn to page 31 and you will see all
that is to be said on the subject of village cricket. How lucky these
draughtsmen are! What a laborious business we others should have made
of it! Would any of you have laughed at our wordy description of the
fielder in a cloth cap to whom one can run a single? "But one gets in
two for trousers tucked into socks"--"stretching it to three for a
straw hat"--"and four for a black waistcoat." Each fielder as drawn
here is a joy. Yet there is something more than that; we are not just
laughing at them, for they are our friends. We look from one to the
other of them, and gradually the smile becomes a little wistful. It
was how many years ago? Now the printed page has vanished, and we see
again the village green. Straw Hat was the postman. Not quite like
that, however, for he wore the official trousers with it, but he moved
slowly, being the postman and tired of it, and one ran three to him.
Black Waistcoat was the dairy farmer; his the cows which had to be
driven off the pitch on a Saturday morning; a mighty underhand bowler,
bouncing terribly. Fougasse is wrong here, for his hands could stop
anything, and one would never run four to him. I doubt if you would
ever run four to a black waistcoat, their hands are so big. Slow in the
return of course, but safe, safe.
You may think that you have had enough of War Sketches, but you will
be glad to see the historic "Gadgets" again, and perhaps even now
"1914-1918" will give you a lump in the throat with your smile, and
make you somehow a little more proud. It is so very much England. But,
taking the drawings as a whole, I should say that the charm of their
humour lies in the fact that they make the very jokes which we should
have made for ourselves, if only we had realized that they were jokes.
When Mr. Bateman gives us his brilliant life-study of the man who
breathed on the glass in the British Museum, we realize that this is an
inspiration far outside our range. "However did he think of it?" we say
to ourselves in awe. When Mr. Morrow draws us "a little supper-party at
the Borgias," we have to admit sadly that the comedy of a supper-party
at the Borgias would never have occurred to _us_. But when Fougasse
describes to us his feelings in the presence of the Wedding Detective,
or the conversation of the Club Bore in the library, then we beam upon
him delightedly. Why, it's absolutely true! We've noticed it ourselves
a hundred times! As we were saying to Jones only yesterday----Alas we
flatter ourselves. We saw the pebbles lying there, day after day, and
there, for us, they would still be lying. But a humorist picks them up
and holds them this way and that. The light shines upon them. See! They
are precious stones.
A. A. MILNE
CONTENTS
PAGE
"CRASHED IN A SHELL-HOLE" 8
THE SONG OF THE SHIRT 9
"SO BEASTLY INFECTIOUS" 10
THE FUMBLER 11
"DON'T TROUBLE" 12
AFTER DINNER JOKES 13
THE CAR FOR THE OWNER-DRIVER 14
TACT 15
"OR TO TAKE ARMS AGAINST A SEA OF TROUBLES" 16
THE HEARTY FELLOW 17
DANSE DES VENTS 18
THE FIRST JOKE 19
GOLFING NOTE 20
"HOW'S THAT?" 21
THE FANCY DRESS 22
THE ADVENT OF THE CHAMPION 23
ONLY IN THE COMIC PAPERS 24
THE PROFESSIONAL HUMORIST PAYS A VISIT 25
"ONLY DOING IT FOR THE PICTURES" 26
THE TRAGEDY OF A TROUSER 27
GOLFING NOTE 28
THE TELEGRAM AT RUGGER 29
THE LOST TICKET 30
THE CHARM OF VILLAGE CRICKET 31
UNREST THROUGH THE AGES 32-33
THE RIGHT ROAD FOR LONDON 34
THE ENTHUSIAST 35
"HAVE YOU ANY HATS?" 36
SYSTEM 37
THE PRACTICAL APPLICATION 38
THE MAN WHO SNEEZED 39
SCOTLAND FOR EVER 40
"GADGETS" 41
NATURE'S TACTLESS MIMICRY 42
"IS THERE AN ORDER COME ROUND?" 42
THE VISIT TO THE FRONT 43
UNPLEASANT NIGHTMARE OF HANS 44
A GERMAN-LIKE NAME 44
THE BASHFUL V.C.'S WELCOME HOME 43
"WOT FLIES?" 46
"WHY DON'T YOU SALUTE AN OFFICER?" 46
CEREMONIAL 47
THE BRIBE 48
THE LATEST RUMOUR FROM THE BACK 48
THE MAKING OF HISTORY 49
1914-1918 50-51
"I THOUGHT YOU WAS AN ENEMY" 52
THE HERO 53
"KEEP YOUR HANDS UP" 54
CAMOUFLAGE 55
STRAWBERRIES FOR JAM 56
"COME OUT AND FRATERNISE" 56
THE WAR MASTERPIECE 57
"NO TROUBLE AT HOME, I HOPE?" 58
"ON PARADE WITHOUT YOUR SPURS" 58
HIS NATIVE SOIL 59
"D'YOU REMEMBER HALTING HERE?" 60
JOCK THE SHEEP-DOG 61
THE RIGHT SPIRIT 62
THE HOUSE THAT JACK WANTS BUILT 63
GOLFING NOTE 64
OUR TREACHEROUS CLIMATE 65
A BRITISH WARM 66
SAFARI-SMITH'S TROPHIES 67
GOLFING NOTE 68
THE GOLFER AND THE NATURALIST 69
THE YOUNG FIREBRANDS' ART CLUB 70
A BIOGRAPHY 71
PATHOS 72
THE WEDDING DETECTIVE 73
"WHAT TIME WILL IT BE?" 74
TO PROMOTE A GRACEFUL FIGURE 75
DURATION OF THE PEACE 76
THE LURE OF THE LAND 77
"SOMEONE'S FORGOTTEN TO PACK" 78
TALL HATS ON THE CRICKET-FIELD 79
"BED, SIR?" 80
"I'VE READ IT" 81
"HOW SMALL THE WORLD IS!" 82
THE DOG FIGHT 83
"TWO TEAS, PLEASE" 84
SOME NEW REVUE FEATURES 85
"'E CALLED ME A 'UN" 86
THE JOURNEY 87
THE RIGHT ENTRANCE 88
THE BROTHERHOOD OF MUSIC 89
"_NOT_ THE THAW" 90
THE PRICE OF EFFICIENCY 91
"WILL I TAKE MY HAT OFF?" 92
THE SPREAD OF EDUCATION 93
MIDGES 94
SALTSEA 95
GOLFING NOTE 96
QUITE CRICKET 97
BROWN'S STORY 98
CONSOLATION 99
"WHICH MR. JONES ARE YOU?" 100
A USE FOR MODERN ART 101
GOLFING NOTE 102
THE MAN WHO COULD DO IT HIMSELF 103
"WOULD YOU NOT PREFER TO HAVE THEM SENT?" 104
THE BARGAIN 105
THE PRACTITIONER'S OVERSIGHT 106
CHECK 107
For permission to reproduce the great majority of the
Drawings included in this Volume, the Artist is indebted to
the courtesy of the Proprietors of _Punch_. He has also to
acknowledge similar kindnesses from the Editors of _London
Opinion_, _The Sketch_, _The Tatler_, _The Bystander_, and
_The Evening News_.
[Illustration: "MAMMA!"
"YES, MY CHILD."
"WILFRED HAS CRASHED IN A SHELL-HOLE."]
[Illustration: THE SONG OF THE SHIRT]
[Illustration: _Host (a Mighty Hunter, breaking off in the middle of
his longest story):_ "BUT I SEEM TO BE BORING YOU?"
_Guest:_ "OH, NO. FACT IS--ALL THESE ANIMALS YAWNING--SO BEASTLY
INFECTIOUS."]
[Illustration:
"MY DEAR FELLOW--
YOU MUST LET ME--
PAY FOR THIS TAXI--
I REALLY MUST INSIST--
YOU'VE PAID FOR--
EVERYTHING, SO FAR--
AND I ENGAGED--
THE FELLOW--
WHY, YOU'VE PAID HIM ALREADY!--
WELL, LOOK HERE, YOU'LL REALLY HAVE TO--
TELL ME SOME TIME--
WHAT I OWE YOU."
THE FUMBLER]
[Illustration: "WAITER, BRING ME A WHISKY-AND-SODA, PLEASE."
"I'M NOT A WAITER, CONFOUND YOU!"
"OH, RIGHT-O--THEN DON'T TROUBLE."]
[Illustration:
How curious it is that jokes which--
irritate us in a book--
aggravate us in a magazine--
exasperate us in a newspaper--
& goad us to fury in a revue--_
Should go down so well in an after-dinner speech!]
[Illustration: _Prospective Purchaser:_ "AND WHY DO YOUR ADVERTISEMENTS
SAY THAT YOURS IS ESSENTIALLY THE CAR FOR THE OWNER-DRIVER?"
_Salesman (under notice to leave):_ "BECAUSE NO SELF-RESPECTING
CHAUFFEUR WILL CONDESCEND TO BE SEEN IN ONE."]
[Illustration: TACT
"EXCUSE ME, DRIVER, BUT COULD YOU TELL ME WHERE I'D BE MOST LIKELY TO
FIND A TAXI?"]
[Illustration: "... OR TO TAKE ARMS AGAINST A SEA OF TROUBLES ..."
_Hamlet_, ACT III, Sc. 1.]
[Illustration:
"HULLO!----
MY DEAR----
OLD BOY----
HOW ARE YOU?
BY JOVE, THAT'S A FUNNY THING----
COULD HAVE SWORN YOU WERE----
SOMEONE I KNEW----
BUT NOW I COME TO LOOK AT YOU----
YOU'RE NO MORE----
LIKE----
HIM----
THAN I AM."
THE HEARTY FELLOW]
[Illustration: DANSE DES VENTS]
[Illustration: THE FIRST JOKE]
[Illustration]
[Illustration: WHAT INDIVIDUAL EFFORT WILL NOT BRING ABOUT----
"HOW'S THAT?"
COMBINED ACTION WILL SOMETIMES EFFECT.
"HOW'S THAT?"]
[Illustration: PORTRAIT OF A GENTLEMAN IN PROCESS OF DECIDING THAT THE
HIRE OF A CAR TO TAKE HIM TO HIS FANCY-DRESS REVEL WOULD HAVE BEEN WELL
WORTH THE EXPENSE.]
[Illustration: THE ADVENT OF THE CHAMPION
[It is extraordinary how apathetic and undemonstrative we are as a
nation. Take, for instance, the case of Wally Tuff (champion of the
world at his own weight, mark you), who came over here the other day
for a quiet holiday.]
ALTHOUGH--
NO ONE--
HAD ANY EXCUSE--
FOR NOT KNOWING KNOWING--
THAT HE WAS COMING--
WOULD YOU BELIEVE IT THAT OUT OF A POPULATION OF FORTY-TWO MILLIONS--
NOT MORE THAN TWO PER CENT. TURNED OUT TO SEE HIM ARRIVE?]
[Illustration: "DEAR, DEAR, DEAR! WHAT A CURIOUS ACCIDENT! I THOUGHT
THAT ONLY HAPPENED IN THE COMIC PAPERS."]
[Illustration:
"OH, MR. JONES, _WOULD_ YOU WRITE SOME FUNNY LITTLE THING IN MY
ALBUM?--
--AND IN MINE?--
--AND IN MINE?--
--AND IN MINE?--
--AND IN MINE?--
--AND IN MINE?--
--AND IN OURS?--
--HERE'S SOME INK--AND A PEN--
--AND A CHAIR--
--AND A TABLE--
--AND NOW WE'LL ALL GATHER ROUND, CHICKS AND BE READY FOR A REAL
GOOD LAUGH!"
THE PROFESSIONAL HUMOURIST PAYS A VISIT]
[Illustration: _Voice from the gods:_ "IT'S ALL RIGHT, MISS. DON'T YOU
TAKE ON SO. THEY'RE ONLY DOING IT FOR THE PICTURES."]
[Illustration: THE TRAGEDY OF A TROUSER]
[Illustration]
[Illustration:
I ALWAYS THINK THE TELEGRAM CUSTOM--
ADDS SUCH A TONE--
TO CRICKET.
I WISH--
IT COULD--
BE--
INTRODUCED--
INTO--
RUGGER.]
[Illustration: _The Lost Ticket_--]
[Illustration: THE CHARM OF VILLAGE CRICKET
THE CHARM OF VILLAGE CRICKET LIES TO A GREAT EXTENT IN THE STRESS IT
PLACES ON THE INDIVIDUAL FACTOR. FOR INSTANCE, ONE KNOWS THAT, OTHER
THINGS BEING EQUAL, IF ONE HITS THE BALL DIRECTLY TOWARDS A--
FIELDER IN A CLOTH CAP ONE CAN RUN A SINGLE--
AND IF HE'S WEARING BRACES ONE CAN RUN TWO--
BUT IF HE'S GOT ON ONE OF THOSE FANCY SWEATERS ONE STAYS WHERE ONE IS.
SIMILARLY, A BELT WITH A SNAKE IN IT MEANS A SINGLE--
SO DOES A CLUB TIE--
WHEREAS A GENT'S FANCY BOW MEANS TWO.
ONE TAKES NO RISKS, OF COURSE, WITH A HANDKERCHIEF ROUND THE NECK--
BUT ONE GETS IN TWO FOR TROUSERS TUCKED INTO SOCKS--
STRETCHING IT TO THREE FOR A STRAW HAT--
AND FOUR FOR A BLACK WAISTCOAT--
WHILE FOR CUFFS BUTTONED AT THE WRIST--
OR A DICKEY ONE JUST BUNS IT OUT.
WITH SMALL BOYS IN SHORTS ONE NATURALLY TAKES NO CHANCES WHATEVER--
AS EVERYONE KNOWS THEY ARE APT TO BECOME SO CONFOUNDEDLY ENTHUSIASTIC.]
[Illustration: UNREST THROUGH THE AGES.
THE AMALGAMATED SOCIETY OF BAKERS IN GOOD KING ALFRED'S REIGN PROTESTS
AGAINST THE EMPLOYMENT OF A NON-UNION MAN.
THE MARINER'S UNION THREATENS DIRECT ACTION IF KING CANUTE TAMPERS WITH
THE TIDES.]
[Illustration: UNREST THROUGH THE AGES
THE HOUSEHOLD STAFF OF THE BORGIAS DEMANDS TO BE PUT UPON BOARD WAGES.
JAMES WATT IS UNABLE TO CARRY OUT HIS EXPERIMENTS THROUGH A STRIKE OF
THE EMPLOYEES OF THE LOCAL WATER COMPANY.]
[Illustration: "CAN YOU TELL ME IF THIS IS THE RIGHT ROAD FOR LONDON,
PLEASE?"
"WHY, BLESS MY SOUL, AIN'T NONE OF YOU EVER BEEN THERE BEFORE?"]
[Illustration: THE ENTHUSIAST.
"GOING FOR A WALK OVER THE HILLS? I'LL COME WITH YOU TO CHEER YOU UP.
TELL ME IF I GO TOO FAST FOR YOU. I CAN KEEP THIS PACE UP ALL DAY.
I DON'T MIND HOW FAR IT IS--I NEVER GET TIRED WALKING.
NICE WARM WEATHER, ISN'T IT?
I SAY, IT IS HOT!
OH, NO, THANKS. _I'M_ ALL RIGHT--ONLY JUST FEELING MY GROGGY LEG
RATHER--
AND MY STIFF BACK.
NEVER BEEN QUITE RIGHT SINCE I HAD INFLUENZA SO BADLY THREE YEARS AGO--
THAT'S WHY THE DOCTOR SAID I MUST NEVER WALK MUCH.
IT'S REALLY MY OWN FAULT--
I SHOULDN'T HAVE LET YOU--
PERSUADE ME."]
[Illustration: "HAVE YOU ANY--ER--HATS?"]
[Illustration:
"What counts nowadays, my boy, is system--
When I want a certain piece of information, for instance--
I just look up my index, reach down--
a file--
or two--
and--
before you can--
say--
knife--
it's--
in front of you!"
SYSTEM!]
[Illustration: "PLEASE, MR. GRAFTO, THE GENTLEMAN ON THE NEXT FLOOR
PRESENTS HIS COMPLIMENTS AND SAYS, SEEING AS HOW YOU CAN FORETELL THE
FUTURE, WOULD YOU BE SO GOOD AS TO LET HIM KNOW HOW LONG IT WILL BE
BEFORE YOUR BATH STOPS OVERFLOWING THROUGH HIS CEILING?"]
[Illustration: THE MAN WHO SNEEZED]
[Illustration: SCOTLAND FOR EVER.]
[Illustration: "GADGETS"]
[Illustration: NATURE'S TACTLESS MIMICRY.
CURIOUS ATTITUDE ASSUMED BY TREES IN A DISTRICT OCCUPIED BY THE
GERMANS.]
[Illustration: "HERE, STICK YOUR HEAD DOWN, CHARLIE."
"WHAT--IS THERE AN ORDER COME ROUND ABOUT IT?"]
[Illustration: "YOU CAN CLEAR AWAY THOSE NOTICE-BOARDS NOW, SERGEANT.
THE VISITORS HAVE GONE."
THE VISIT TO THE FRONT.]
[Illustration: UNPLEASANT NIGHTMARE OF HANS, THE EX-CINEMA ATTENDANT,
AFTER LEARNING OF THE AMERICAN DECLARATION OF WAR.]
[Illustration: "WE'LL NO GANG IN THERE, JOCK."
"FOR WHY, DONAL'?"
"MAN, IT'S GOT AN AWFU' GERRMAN-LIKE NAME, YON."]
[Illustration: THE BASHFUL V.C.'S WELCOME HOME]
[Illustration: _New Hand:_ "FLIES SEEM PRETTY AWFUL OUT HERE, CORPORAL."
_Hardened Campaigner:_ "WOT FLIES?"]
[Illustration: _Both together:_ "NOW, MY MAN, WHY DON'T YOU SALUTE WHEN
YOU PASS AN OFFICER?"]
[Illustration:
"A SOLDIER
WHEN RIDING
A BICYCLE
WILL TURN HIS HEAD
SMARTLY
TOWARDS AN OFFICER
IN PASSING HIM
AND WILL NOT MOVE
HIS HANDS
FROM THE HANDLE-BAR."
CEREMONIAL
REFERENCE--INFANTRY TRAINING, 1914, SECT. 18, § viii.]
[Illustration: THE BRIBE.
"WHO GOES THERE?"
"K-KAMERAD--MIT SOUVENIRS."]
[Illustration: "HEAR THE LATEST RUMOUR UP FROM THE BACK, GEORGE? WAR'S
GOING TO BE OVER NEXT WEEK."
"HO. WELL, I HOPE IT DON'T UPSET MY GOING ON LEAVE NEXT TUESDAY."]
[Illustration:
1915.
THE PURCHASE OF THE SOUVENIR.
1920.
"THAT'S A SOUVENIR OF MY JOB AT HAVRE--
1925.
--OF MY SERVICE IN FRANCE--
1930.
--OF MY ACTIVE SERVICE--
1935.
--OF MY FIGHTING DAYS
1940.
GOT THAT IN THE BIG PUSH--
1945.
--FIERCE FIGHTING IT WAS--
1950.
--_DESPERATE_ FIGHTING,
1955.
--_HACKED_ MY WAY THROUGH--
1960.
--RIGHT UP TO THEIR GENERAL--
1965.
--CUT HIS HEAD OFF--
1970.
--_THAT_ WAS ON IT!"
THE MAKING OF HISTORY]
[Illustration:
"WELL, I'M BLOWED IF I SEE--
--WHAT GOOD--
--I CAN BE--
--TURNING OUT--
--TO FIGHT--
--THEM--
--BLOOMING--
--GERMANS--
--WITH ALL THEIR--
--GUNS--
--AND THEIR MILLIONS O' MEN--
--AND SO FORTH--
--AND SO ON.
BEEN PREPARING FOR THIS, THEY HAVE,--
1914-1918--I.]
[Illustration:
--FOR THE LAST FORTY YEARS--
--AND NOT SO PARTICULAR, EITHER, MIND YOU,--
--A DIRTY LOT,--
--WITH THEIR ZEPPS--
--AND SUBMARINES.
IT'S NOT AS IF--
--WE WERE A MILITARY NATION--
--OR TOOK KINDLY TO IT AT ALL.
IN FACT--
--I DON'T WONDER--
--IT'S TAKEN US--
--OVER--
--FOUR YEARS--
--TO FINISH THE JOB."
1914-1918--II.]
[Illustration: _Boche (suddenly appearing over the top):_ "KAMERAD!
KAMERAD!"
_Briton:_ "LOR', MY SON, YOU _DID_ GIVE ME A TURN. I THOUGHT YOU
WAS AN ENEMY."]
[Illustration:
"I WANT YOU TO MAKE ME A TUNIC--
RANK? BRIGADIER--
YES, ONE OR TWO RIBBONS TO GO ON IT--
MILITARY CROSS--
D.S.O.--
AND A V.C. OF COURSE--
LEGION OF HONOUR, C.M.G. AND SO FORTH--
TEN WOUND STRIPES--
AND MAKE AS SMART A JOB OF IT AS YOU CAN, WON'T YOU? BECAUSE--
I WANT IT FOR PRIVATE THEATRICALS."
THE HERO]
[Illustration:
"AND LOOK HERE, FRITZ--
--WHATEVER HAPPENS--
--SEE YOU KEEP--
THEM HANDS OF YOURS--
--WELL ABOVE--
YOUR BLINKIN' HEAD."]
[Illustration: BEFORE.
AFTER.
CAMOUFLAGE]
[Illustration: "HERE, LISTEN TO THIS. IT SAYS THE GOV'MENT HAVE BOUGHT
UP ALL THE STRAWBERRIES TO MAKE JAM FOR THE TROOPS."
"GO ON, GEORGE! HOW CAN THEY MAKE PLUM-AND-APPLE OUT O' STRAWBERRIES?"]
[Illustration: _Tommy ("Mopping-up" captured trench):_ "IS THERE ANYONE
DOWN THERE?"
_Voice from dug-out:_ "JA! JA! KAMERAD!"
_Tommy:_ "THEN COME OUT HERE AND FRATERNISE." ]
[Illustration: IT WAS UNFORTUNATE THAT BROWN HAD NOT FINISHED HIS
MASTERPIECE, "THE SURRENDER OF THE GARRISON," BY THE TIME THE WAR CAME
TO AN END.
HOWEVER, IT NEEDED VERY LITTLE ALTERATION TO MAKE IT SALEABLE.]
[Illustration: _Sociable Escort (to Boche prisoner, after several
ineffectual attempts to start a conversation):_ "AHEM!--ER--NO TROUBLE
AT HOME, I HOPE?"]
[Illustration: _The Wit:_ "AH, NOW YOU'RE FOR IT, ALBERT."
_Tractor-Driver:_ "WOT'S THE MATTER?"
_The Wit:_ "WHY, YOU'VE BEEN AND GONE AND COME ON PARADE WITHOUT YOUR
SPURS."]
[Illustration: 1914.--MR. WILLIAM SMITH ANSWERS THE CALL TO PRESERVE
HIS NATIVE SOIL INVIOLATE.
1919.--MR. WILLIAM SMITH COMES BACK AGAIN, TO SEE HOW WELL HE HAS DONE
IT.]
[Illustration: _First Contemptible:_ "D'YOU REMEMBER HALTING HERE ON
THE RETREAT, GEORGE?"
_Second ditto:_ "Can't call it to mind, somehow. Was it that little
village in the wood down by the river, or was it that place with the
Cathedral and all them factories?"]
[Illustration: JOCK THE SHEEP-DOG
JOCK THE SHEEP-DOG--
WAS A BATTALION MASCOT DURING THE WAR.
NOW HE--
IS BACK--
WITH THE SHEEP AGAIN.]
[Illustration: THE RIGHT SPIRIT.
_Corporal in charge (on arrival at bridge):_ "DE--TACHMENT,
BREAK--STEP!"
["When crossing a military bridge Infantry will break step."--_Extract
from "Regulations."_]]
[Illustration: THE HOUSE THAT JACK WANTS BUILT.
THIS IS THE HOUSE THAT JACK WANTS BUILT.
THIS IS THE LANDOWNER WHO (IF THE TALK OF A RAILWAY BEING MADE OVER
THIS BIT OF LAND DOESN'T COME TO ANYTHING, AND THE CORPORATION CANNOT,
AFTER ALL, BE INDUCED TO BUY IT AS A RECREATION-GROUND, AND NO ONE
MAKES A BETTER OFFER) IS WILLING TO SELL THE GROUND TO CARRY THE HOUSE
THAT JACK WANTS BUILT.
THIS IS THE ARCHITECT AND SURVEYOR WHO (AS SOON AS HE HAS FINISHED
HIS DESIGNS FOR THE NEW TOWN HALL, THE PROPOSED COUNTY HOSPITAL,
THE CATHEDRAL EXTENSION, THE BOROUGH POWER STATION AND THE
DRINKING-FOUNTAIN, AND PROVIDED THAT NO MORE IMPORTANT COMMISSION TURNS
UP) IS GOING TO DESIGN THE HOUSE TO GO ON THE GROUND OF THE LANDOWNER
WHO....
THIS IS THE LOCAL AUTHORITY WHO (IF HE CAN OBTAIN DETAILS OF THE
SEVERAL REQUIREMENTS OF THE COUNTY COUNCIL, PARISH COUNCIL, CENTRAL
HOUSING AUTHORITY, MINISTRY OF HEALTH, BOARD OF AGRICULTURE, MINISTRY
OF TRANSPORT, CONGESTED DISTRICTS BOARD, AND ANY OTHER DEPARTMENTS
INTERESTED, EITHER NOW IN EXISTENCE OR CONTEMPLATED FOR THE FUTURE) IS
GOING TO INSPECT, REVISE, AMEND, AND POSITIVELY FINALLY APPROVE THE
DESIGNS OF THE ARCHITECT AND SURVEYOR WHO....
THIS IS THE BUILDING CONTRACTOR WHO (PROVIDED THAT PRESSURE OF WORK
ALLOWS HIM, AND THAT HE CAN GET THE MATERIALS, WHICH IS DOUBTFUL, AND
THE MEN, WHICH IS HARDLY PROBABLE, AND THE PRICE, WHICH IS PRACTICALLY
OUT OF THE QUESTION) IS GOING TO CARRY OUT THE DESIGNS, AS FINALLY
APPROVED BY the local authority who....
THIS IS THE RAILWAY OFFICIAL WHO (ON THE SUPPOSITION THAT THE
CONGESTION ON THE LINE WILL POSSIBLY BE EASIER LATER, AND THAT THE
SUPPLY OF GOODS WAGONS IS VERY CONSIDERABLY AUGMENTED, AND THAT NEW
LOOPS AND SIDINGS NOT YET SUGGESTED WILL BE CONSTRUCTED TO RELIEVE THE
PRESSURE, AND THAT A REORGANISATION OF THE RAILWAY STAFF DOES NOT MOVE
HIM ELSEWHERE, AS WILL ALMOST CERTAINLY HAPPEN) HAS PROMISED TO DO
HIS BEST TO EXPEDITE THE TRANSPORT OF THE NECESSARY MATERIALS TO THE
BUILDING CONTRACTOR WHO....
THIS IS THE MERCHANT WHO (IF PRICES ARE LEFT ENTIRELY TO HIS DISCRETION
AND TIME IS OF NO IMPORTANCE, AND IF HE FINDS THAT, AFTER ALL, IT IS
TO HIS ADVANTAGE TO SELL IN THIS COUNTRY RATHER THAN TO EXPORT, AND
IF HE DOESN'T RETIRE IN THE MEANTIME, AS HE IS THINKING OF DOING) HAS
CONSENTED TO TRY TO SEND MATERIALS THROUGH THE MEDIUM OF THE RAILWAY
OFFICIAL WHO....
THESE ARE THE REPRESENTATIVES OF THE BUILDING TRADES WHO (IF ALL
MATTERS IN DISPUTE ARE SATISFACTORILY SETTLED BY THAT TIME, AND
PROVIDED THAT THEY CAN ALL GET THEIR OWN HOUSES SITED, DESIGNED,
PASSED, CONTRACTED FOR, SUPPLIED AND BUILT FIRST) ARE GOING TO ERECT
THE MATERIALS PROVIDED BY THE MERCHANT WHO....
AND THIS? THIS, INCIDENTALLY, IS JACK.]
[Illustration]
[Illustration: OUR TREACHEROUS CLIMATE]
[Illustration: "WELL, ANYHOW, NO ONE COULD TELL THAT THIS WAS ONCE A
BRITISH WARM."]
[Illustration: I USED TO THINK THAT OLD SAFARI-SMITH'S TROPHIES MADE AN
AWFULLY JOLLY DECORATION TO HIS DINING-ROOM--
BUT NOW THAT HE'S MOVED TO A FLAT IN LONDON I'M REALLY NOT QUITE SO
SURE OF IT.]
[Illustration]
[Illustration:
ROBINSON USED TO FIND THAT THE AUDIENCE AT BIG MATCHES--
PUT HIM RIGHT OFF HIS GAME.
BUT AFTER GREENCHAT, THE
NATURALIST,--
HAD--
PLAYED--
A FEW--
ROUNDS--
WITH HIM--
NOTHING COULD--
RUFFLE HIM.]
[Illustration: THE YOUNG FIREBRANDS' ART CLUB HOLDS ITS FIFTIETH ANNUAL
DINNER.]
[Illustration:
1 _A House Party in the Midlands._
(From left to right): Mr. John Smith, Mr. T. Jones, Miss Peggy Smith,
----, Capt. Robinson. Seated Col. Tompkin, V.D., Mrs. Smith.
2 _Snapped in the Park._ Lady Lily Lavender walking with a friend.
3 _An Echo of the Twelfth._ Members of Lord Tweedledum's party
at luncheon. From left to right: Capt. Cork, R.N., the Horrible, Rose
Tweedle, Mr. J. Penn, Lord Tweedledum & Major Mitten.
4 _Authors at Play._ Sir Ernest Wrightwell & Mr. Jay Penn at North
Hoywick.
5 _A Rising Writer._ Mr. Jay Penn, whose latest novel, "Tripe," is
attracting so much attention.
6 _A distinguished Author._ Mr. Jay Penn at work.
7 Mr. Jay Penn. A recent portrait.
8 Mr. Jay Penn, the brilliant novelist, whose stirring serial of love
and hate, entitled "Apes of Lebanon" commences in these columns on
Monday.
9 _Snapped in the Park._ Mr. Jay Penn walking with a friend.
10 _Enjoying the sunshine on the Riviera:_ Mr. Jay Penn & Lord
Zero.
11 _At the Eton & Harrow Match._ Sir Salmo Ferox & Mr. Jay Penn.
12 Mr. Jay Penn, whose novel "Tripe" created such a sensation a few
seasons ago.
13 General Omnibus chatting with Mr. Penn, the author.
14 A Group at the Mudshire Hunt Ball: Capt. Roarer, Miss Bullfinch,
Miss Thurston & Mr. James Penn.
15
The Hopkins-Jopson wedding: one of the guests arriving.
A BIOGRAPHY]
[Illustration: PATHOS
"I WANT TO CHOOSE A CHRISTMAS PRESENT--ONE SUITABLE FOR A SHORT,
DARK, MIDDLE-AGED BACHELOR WITH RETIRING DISPOSITION AND NO NEAR
RELATIVES--TO GIVE TO HIMSELF."]
[Illustration:
THE PRESENCE OF A DETECTIVE AMONG THE WEDDING PRESENTS--
ALWAYS UNSETTLES ME.
I FEEL SURE THAT--
SOONER OR LATER--
I SHALL BE HYPNOTISED--
INTO DOING--
SOMETHING--
WHICH WILL GET ME--
INTO TROUBLE.
THE WEDDING DETECTIVE: A STUDY IN SUGGESTION]
[Illustration: _Wee Donald Angus:_ "PLEASE, SIRR, WHAT TIME WILL IT BE?"
_Literal Gentleman:_ "WHEN?"]
[Illustration:
The Pupil should now seat
himself upon the floor--
with the feet under some
heavy piece of furniture--
with body erect--
and arms extended
above the head--
he allows himself--
to--
bend--
slowly--
backwards--
until--
a recumbent position--
is reached.
EXERCISE 3.--TO PROMOTE A GRACEFUL FIGURE.]
[Illustration: "HULLO, GEORGE--NOT DEMOBBED YET?"
"NO--SIGNED ON AGAIN."
"HOW LONG FOR?"
"JUST FOR DURATION OF THE PEACE."]
[Illustration:
ONCE UPON A TIME THERE WAS A
MAN WHO BOUGHT A FARM--
--BECAUSE AN OPEN-AIR LIFE
APPEALED TO HIM--
--AND BECAUSE IT MADE ONE
ONE'S OWN MASTER--
--BECAUSE, MOREOVER, HE WAS
FOND OF ANIMALS--
--AND ALSO BECAUSE ANY AMOUNT OF EXPERT OPINION WAS
ALWAYS AVAILABLE IN CASES OF DOUBT--
--BECAUSE, AGAIN, THE ELEMENT OF
UNCERTAINTY GAVE SUCH A CHARM
TO IT--
--AND, FURTHER, BECAUSE CERTAIN
SECTIONS WERE BOUND TO BE PROFITABLE--
--IN ADDITION BECAUSE UP-TO-DATE
APPLIANCES MADE EVERYTHING
SO EASY--
--BECAUSE, IN PARTICULAR, IT TOOK ONE BACK TO NATURE, AND
HELPED ONE TO AN UNDERSTANDING OF NATURAL LAWS--
--AND, LASTLY, BECAUSE, AFTER ALL, ONE COULD
ALWAYS GET RID OF THE BEASTLY THING.
THE LURE OF THE LAND]
[Illustration: _Husband (on visit to Country House):_ "I SAY, SOMEONE'S
FORGOTTEN TO PACK MY EVENING CLOTHES."
_Wife:_ "WELL, IT WASN'T ME, DEAR. IF ANYONE DIDN'T, YOU MUST HAVE
YOURSELF."]
[Illustration:
OF COURSE WE KNOW ALL ABOUT--
THE TALL HATS--
THAT OUR FOREFATHERS--
USED TO WEAR--
ON THE CRICKET-FIELD--
BUT WHAT NO ONE--
SEEMS TO HAVE RECORDED--
IS WHAT--
THE UMPIRE--
THOUGHT ABOUT IT ALL.
TALL HATS ON THE CRICKET-FIELD.]
[Illustration: "BED, SIR? HERE IS A GENUINE JACOBEAN, FOR WHICH WE ARE
ASKING ONLY TWO HUNDRED AND FIFTY GUINEAS."
"WELL, TO TELL YOU THE TRUTH I WASN'T WANTING TO _BUY_ ONE. BUT I
CAN'T GET A BED ANYWHERE IN LONDON, AND I WAS JUST WONDERING IF YOU
COULD LET ME SLEEP IN IT TO-NIGHT."]
[Illustration:
"RATTLING GOOD BOOK THIS, COURTSHIP AND CRIME."
"YES, I'VE READ IT."
"SPLENDIDLY WRITTEN."
"YES, I'VE READ IT."
"BY JOVE, IT'S EXCITING!"
"I'VE READ IT."
"THERE'S ONE THRILLING BIT WHERE--"
"YES, I'VE--"
"--THE HERO--"
"--READ IT."
"--BUT I MUST READ IT TO YOU."
"I'VE READ IT."
"I KNOW YOU'LL--"
"I'VE READ IT."
"--ENJOY IT."
"I'VE READ IT."]
[Illustration: "HULLO, BROWN! FANCY RUNNING UP AGAINST YOU. HOW SMALL
THE WORLD IS, TO BE SURE!"
"Y-YES. TERRIBLY SMALL, ISN'T IT?"]
[Illustration: THE DOG FIGHT]
[Illustration: "COULD WE HAVE TWO TEAS, PLEASE?"
"WHY, DIDN'T I BRING YOU TWO JUST NOW?"
"OH, YES. BUT WE'VE LET A GENTLEMAN IN THE STALLS HAVE THOSE."]
[Illustration: WE ARE CREDIBLY INFORMED THAT SEVERAL ENTIRELY NEW AND
ORIGINAL FEATURES WILL APPEAR IN REVUES PRODUCED THIS SEASON. THERE
WILL BE, FOR INSTANCE:--
A SCENE IN PARIS;
A SCENE IN HONOLULU;
A SCENE IN THE OLD VILLAGE;
A SCENE IN THE STATES (_HUMOROUS_);
A NOVEL THIRTY-MINUTE SKETCH;
A £500,000 SPECTACLE;
A RATHER DARING SCENE IN AN ARTIST'S STUDIO, COMPLETE WITH MODEL,
AND A SCENE AT A FANCY-DRESS BALL, COMPLETE WITH "SPECIALITY DANCE";
NOT TO MENTION SOME EXTREMELY ORIGINAL CROSS-TALK;
A DELIGHTFULLY DAINTY OLD-WORLD INTERLUDE;
A FEW SUBTLE POLITICAL ALLUSIONS,
_AND_ A GRAND PAGEANT OF BRITISH SPORTS.]
[Illustration:
_The Pugnacious Gentleman:_ "BUT 'E BIN AN' CALLED ME A
'UN.'"
_The Peacemaker:_ "WELL, HE MAY HAVE MEANT IT QUITE
KINDLY-LIKE, BILL. IT AIN'T AS IF WE WAS STILL AT WAR WITH
THE DIRTY 'OUNDS."]
[Illustration: THE JOURNEY: A DIALOGUE IN ENGLISH.
The Start.
1 hour.
2 hours.
3 hours.
4 hours.
5 hours.
6 hours.
7 hours.
8 hours.
8 hours 59 minutes.
"Excuse me but isn't your name Smith? Surely we met at the Robinsons'
yesterday?"
8 hours 59½ minutes.
"Of course--you're Jones aren't you? I was sure I recognised you when I
got in."
9 hours.
Arrival at destination.]
[Illustration: "I TRUST YOU'LL EXCUSE ME MENTIONING IT, MY GOOD FELLOW,
BUT THAT IS THE RIGHT ENTRANCE--ON THE OPPOSITE SIDE OF THE ROAD."]
[Illustration: THE BROTHERHOOD OF MUSIC]
[Illustration: _Professor's Wife:_ "SEPTIMUS, THE THAW HAS BURST THE
PIPES."
_Professor:_ "NO, NO, MARIE. AS I'VE HAD OCCASION TO EXPLAIN TO
YOU EVERY YEAR SINCE I CAN REMEMBER, IT'S THE FROST THAT BURSTS THE
PIPES--_NOT_ THE THAW."]
[Illustration: THE PRICE OF EFFICIENCY.
IN THE DAYS WHEN LAWN TENNIS--
WAS ONLY A GAME--
SERVING USED TO BE REALLY--
QUITE--
GOOD--
FUN.
BUT NOW--
THAT--
IT'S--
BECOME--
A SERIOUS BUSINESS--
OF COURSE--
THINGS--
ARE--
DIFFERENT.]
[Illustration:
"WILL I TAKE MY HAT OFF?--
CERTAINLY--
I'M SURE--
I DON'T WANT--
TO BE A NUISANCE--
TO ANYBODY."]
[Illustration: 1914.
1920.
THE SPREAD OF EDUCATION]
[Illustration: "MY DEAR FELLOW, YOU'LL NEVER CATCH ANYTHING LIKE THAT."
"NO--DARE SAY NOT--GET AWAY FROM MOST OF THE MIDGES, THOUGH."]
[Illustration:
_If you're thinking of painting the picturesque little village of
Saltsea--
make sure--
before you start--
that you don't choose--
the day of the annual regatta._]
[Illustration]
[Illustration:
WHEN THE BEST YOU CAN HOPE FOR IS A DRAW--
--IT IS, OF COURSE--
--ROTTEN BAD FORM--
--TO--
--WASTE TIME--
--DELIBERATELY--
BUT CAN THERE BE ANY HARM--
--IN--
--PUTTING--
--ON--
--A BOWLER--
--WHO--
--TAKES--
--A--
--SOMEWHAT--
--LONGER--
--RUN THAN USUAL?
QUITE CRICKET]
[Illustration: "HAVE YOU HEARD BROWN'S STORY OF HOW HE SCORED OFF A
TAXI-DRIVER THIS MORNING?"
"YES. I TOLD HIM IT LAST NIGHT."]
[Illustration:
AT ALL EVENTS--
I'D RATHER--
LOSE MY SIDE THE MATCH--
BY COMMITTING THE BLUNDER--
OF MISSING A CATCH--
WHILE FIELDING FOR THEM--
THAN THAT--
I SHOULD--
WIN IT--
FOR THEM--
BY COMMITTING--
THE UNSPEAKABLE CRIME--
OF--
MISSING ONE--
WHILE FIELDING SUBSTITUTE FOR OUR OPPONENTS.
CONSOLATION]
[Illustration: _Fair Partner:_ "One always meets so many interesting
people here that i get quite confused. Now tell me, which Mr. Jones are
you?"
_Jones:_ "Me? Oh, i'm only the Jones who's invited to brighten up a
dull party."]
[Illustration: A USE FOR MODERN ART]
[Illustration]
[Illustration:
"HORACE, THERE'S SOMETHING WRONG WITH THE BOILER. SHALL I GET THE
PLUMBER?"
"PLUMBER? OF COURSE NOT--
I'LL PUT IT RIGHT.
JUST GET ME A SPANNER--
AND A HAMMER--
AND A LADDER--
AND SOME STRING--
AND A WOODEN PLUG OR TWO--
AND AS MANY TOWELS AS YOU CAN FIND--
AND ALL THE BLANKETS IN THE HOUSE--
AND--
THE DOCTOR."
THE MAN WHO COULD DO IT HIMSELF]
[Illustration: _Tactful Shopwalker (to lady who seems to have got into
the rough with her umbrella):_ "Excuse me, Madam, but would you not
prefer to have them sent for you?"]
[Illustration: SMITH, WITH SURPRISING GOOD FORTUNE, PICKED UP AN ALMOST
INDUBITABLY GENUINE OLD SATSUMA BOWL FOR 7_s._ 6_d._
_Pipkin on Pottery_ (21_s._ NET) CONFIRMED HIS BELIEF.
WHICH WAS FURTHER STRENGTHENED BY GRUBMANN'S _ORIENTAL
PORCELAINS_ (£3 14_s._ 6_d._ WITH POSTAGE);
WHILE MUTT'S _CERAMICS_ (15 VOLS. £20 CARRIAGE PAID) PUT THE MATTER
PRACTICALLY BEYOND DOUBT.
A VISIT TO THE VICTORIA AND ALBERT MUSEUM (TAXIS 7_s._),
AND ANOTHER TO THE BRITISH MUSEUM (MORE TAXIS 9_s._ 6_d._; LUNCH 11_s._
3_d._) INCREASED HIS CONVICTION;
AND FINALLY HIS FRIEND HARDPASTE, THE EXPERT, WHOM HE ASKED TO DINNER
(INCLUDING WINES AND CIGARS £4 18_s._ 6_d._) TO VIEW THE PIECE,
SET THE SEAL ON HIS TRIUMPH BY DECLARING IT UNQUESTIONABLY AUTHENTIC
AND WORTH (IN THE PROPER QUARTER, OF COURSE) QUITE DOUBLE WHAT HE GAVE
FOR IT.
THE BARGAIN]
[Illustration: UNFORTUNATE OVERSIGHT ON THE PART OF A PRACTITIONER
CALLED AWAY FROM HIS CHILDREN'S PARTY TO ATTEND A PATIENT IN HIS
CONSULTING-ROOM.]
[Illustration: "H'M, YES--I FEAR WE MUST KNOCK OFF TOBACCO."
"CERTAINLY. I NEVER SMOKE."
"AND ALCOHOL ALSO, I'M AFRAID."
"BY ALL MEANS. I'M A TEETOTALER."
"STRONG TEA AND COFFEE ARE EQUALLY POISONOUS, BEAR IN MIND."
"RATHER. I NEVER TOUCH THEM."
"NO SUGAR OR SWEET THINGS, REMEMBER!"
"EXCELLENT! I DETEST 'EM."
"A MEAT DIET STRICTLY FORBIDDEN!!"
"SPLENDID. I'M A VEGETARIAN."
"A COLD BATH EVERY MORNING!!!"
"GLORIOUS. I ALWAYS HAVE ONE."
"AND G-GO AWAY FOR A LONG BRACING CHANGE TO THE B-BLEAKEST PART OF THE
EAST COAST...."
"PRICELESS. WHY, MY DEAR OLD FELLOW--
"I LIVE THERE."
CHECK!]
_Printed in Great Britain by Jarrold & Sons, Ltd., Norwich, England._
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