The Project Gutenberg eBook of The art of courtship
This ebook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and
most other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions
whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms
of the Project Gutenberg License included with this ebook or online
at www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States,
you will have to check the laws of the country where you are located
before using this eBook.
Title: The art of courtship
Author: Clement Wood
Editor: E. Haldeman-Julius
Release date: October 4, 2025 [eBook #76976]
Language: English
Original publication: Girard: Haldeman-Julius Company, 1926
Credits: Tim Miller, BlueDiamondHead and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net (This file was produced from images generously made available by The Internet Archive)
*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE ART OF COURTSHIP ***
TRANSCRIBER’S NOTE
Italic text is denoted by _underscores_.
Bold text is denoted by =equal signs=.
Some minor changes to the text are noted at the end of the book.
LITTLE BLUE BOOK NO. 988
Edited by E. Haldeman-Julius
The Art of Courtship
Clement Wood
HALDEMAN-JULIUS COMPANY
GIRARD, KANSAS
Copyright, 1926,
Haldeman-Julius Company.
PRINTED IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA
CONTENTS.
Page
1. Why One Must Woo 5
The Origin of Wooing 5
Reasons Against Wooing 8
Wooing by Women 12
What Wooing Consists of 13
2. Whom to Woo 15
Physical Mates 15
Mental Mates 19
Social Mates 20
Special Problems 22
3. How a Man Woos 25
Whom to Woo 25
Object and Method of Wooing 27
Problems of Wooing 32
The Proposal, and After 33
Courtship After Marriage 35
4. How a Woman Woos 37
Fancy Flirtations 37
Judging Men 39
“Nice” Girl or Human Being 43
5. Conduct During the Engagement 47
Conduct in Public 47
In Private 50
Termination of Engagements 53
6. Famous Courtships 57
Courting by Poetry 57
Great Lovers 59
THE ART OF COURTSHIP
WHY ONE MUST WOO
_The Origin of Wooing._--The normal man must woo the woman who attracts
him, because of an instinct planted deep in his nature, which had
its origin far down in the scale of life. The modern civilized woman
must woo, because this obligation has been laid upon her by man’s
rearrangement of society, dating from the savage hour when he ended the
era of woman-rule, the matriarchate, and took the leadership himself.
The first separate male appears at about the stage of the barnacle
in the scale of animal life. The female barnacle, a shellfish
attached permanently to a rock, pier, or the hull of a ship, gives
birth to from two to seven little male consorts, or husbands, whom
she keeps in little openings in her shell, like pockets. From among
these pocket-husbands she picks out the one she pleases to mate with
her; usually selecting the largest (for all are much smaller than
herself), and, where sizes are equal, the one that she feels drawn to
emotionally. From this emotion gradually emerges the esthetic sense,
or sense of the beautiful. Thus the first male did not have to do any
wooing: he was picked, like the apple that one day made Eden vanish
away.
As we rise higher in the scale of animal life, say among the spiders
and insects like the grotesquely horrible praying mantis, the male
has to woo: and a bloody and savage mate he must go after! The female,
still larger than her male, sits back and waits for the audacious mate
to approach. He feels one impelling biological purpose: to mate with
her, and make sure that offspring will come. Nature has implanted
this overpowering instinct in him. In the female, are two appetites;
a fainter desire to mate, and ordinary hunger. Her male must satisfy
both, in his wooing. As he approaches her, the Theda Bara among insects
grasps the male and eats, first his head, then a leg or two, and a part
of his body. When the edge has been taken off her appetite, she rests.
At this time what is left of the male completes the mating. When her
hunger returns again, the female finishes her devouring of the male.
The male bee, who outflies the other males in the lofty nuptial flight
of the queen bee, mates with her in thin high air far above the
earth; and dies at the moment of mating, his husk of a body falling,
like Lucifer out of heaven, to the earth far below. There are other
cases where mating spells death for the male: but Nature is kinder
in most matings, and the male survives. When we reach the birds and
the mammals, the wooing is a gorgeous thing. For the male bird or
beast, as a slow result of female selection based upon her esthetic or
beauty-loving sense, has developed into a far more gorgeous creature
than his mate. The bright glitter of the peacock, the gorgeous flame
of the male tanager and cardinal bird, the glow of gay tropical bird
males, the lion’s mane, the rooster’s comb and feather display, the
stag’s branching antlers, the humble billygoat’s beard, the man’s
beard, all have developed to stimulate the jaded eye of the female.
The mating songs, from the bird carols to the whooping crane’s strange
howls, with bill opened to the sky, neck stiff as a ramrod, and wings
pumping out the weird noises, and from the tomcat’s caterwauling to
the corner quartette’s strange agonies over “Sweet Adeline”--all have
developed to stimulate the bored ear of the female. At mating time,
the male is often a ridiculous sight, with his stiff formal dances and
prancings before the female, even among the animals. He must woo: that
is what he was made for. The female was not made primarily to woo: her
task is to live, and to transmit life to the generations after her. The
male, originally, was merely an incident in her life.
Thus the normal boy and young man came to the wooing period with a
tremendous inward urge, that gives them no release until they have
wooed and won. The female matures earlier in the human race; and girls
pass through a year or two of excessive curiosity and interest in
the male sex, when their boy friends of the same age are ordinarily
entirely cold to all female charms. The hidden hour comes when boy
alters to man. His voice changes and lowers, in that ridiculous
kaleidoscope of sound that is humorously called “the goslings.” A tiny
fuzz appears on male lips, cheeks, and chin: the young man is as proud
of the first hair of his incipient mustache as if he were entitled to
credit for it. His body alters, and the mating impulse sweeps over him.
No matter how much he has scoffed at mere girls before, they suddenly
fill the whole horizon. Just as the animals strut to attract attention,
so boys and young men during this transition and shortly afterwards
will do anything to gain the gaze of even a passing girl. They talk
in loud tones on the street, they jostle a passing girl, they cut up
absurd capers--all to gain the first look from a woman’s eyes. Then
this bubbling simmers down, and they set out on the long chase of the
female, which may occupy much of their lives thereafter.
If the boy or young man continues uninterested in girls, this is a bad
sign. It may be bashfulness: we will take up that symptom and its cure
later. It may indicate some inner twist, which makes him prefer his own
company, or that of members of his own sex, to female company. This is,
spiritually at least, a sort of perversion; it is a sterile attitude,
contrary to the wide purposes of nature. In normal cases, he can no
more avoid wooing than he can avoid feeling hungry and going after
food. For that is what he is on earth for, from a physical point of
view.
_Reasons Against Wooing._--Lord Bacon, that prosy old cynic whom
misguided persons have sought to identify as the author of the plays
attributed to Shakespeare, says in his Essays: “A wife and children are
impediments to great enterprises, either of virtue or mischief.” There
is the smoke of truth here, but it points to a fire very different
from the one the sardonic old politician intended. Great enterprises
gain much of their impetus, from the male’s desire to stand well
in the female’s eyes. Another angle on the matter might be worded,
that the energy which is implanted in man for wooing purposes may be
deflected into enterprises, such as piratical and military careers,
adventure trips and explorations. But more often than not, the spur
that sends the man into building a house, or tilling a field, into
slicing mountains apart to wed great oceans, discovering a pole or a
hidden hinterland civilization, into achievement of any distinguished
kind, is the desire to gain merit in the eyes of some specific woman,
or of women in general. A great thinker has said that civilization is
a sublimation, or expression in another form, of the primitive love
desire. A man, because of his short height, or some physical diseases
or disability, is rebuffed in youth by a woman: to provide against a
repetition of the rebuff, he becomes a financial figure in Wall Street,
or a conqueror of the world; or, at least, he tries to achieve this.
Thus the spur of feminine approval is what goads the horse, man, to
enterprises of virtue and mischief.
Of course, wooing does not necessarily involve marriage, or the man’s
assumption of responsibility for the children. Many men remain closer
to the primitive, and are satisfied to enjoy the woman, often at great
cost to her, and thereafter to abandon her with what children she
may have as a result of the union. Such men lose the finer fruits of
mating, the long comradeship of a compatible woman that makes life a
complete enjoyment, rather than a fragmentary one. The fact that a man
has accepted a wife and children may tone down his spirit of adventure:
from absurd masculine displays, “playing to the galleries” of mankind,
his energy is altered to proper continuing courtship of his wife, and
the making of a home for her and the children. To that extent Bacon is
right: “great,” in the sense of flashy and foolhardy, enterprises “of
virtue or mischief” are replaced by ordinary sensible human living. But
there is no loss to the man, rather a gain.
Again, the fact of acquiring a wife and children, if the man is well
mated, acts as his chief spur to steady achievement in whatever is
his role in human life. The unmated man is a wild, reckless creature,
taking any kind of absurd risk, sinking a year’s earnings in one
night’s play at the gambling table, going on roaring drinking parties,
regarding women as his prey rather than as possible companions. The
well-mated man is a social unit, or a part of one, at least. The
wanderlust is drained away in the humbler yet loftier task of building
his own world toward his dreams, rather than skylarking over the world
in the vain hope that somewhere he will find the world of his dreams
already built for him.
There are dangers in mating, grave dangers: the divorce records of the
country indicate many of them. The chief one is where the man, at an
early age, contracts a marriage with a woman who is a fit mate for him
then, but lacks the capacity for growth along with him. This applies in
many cases where the man makes a success thereafter in any line. When
he was a ten-dollar-a-week man, he married a ten-dollar-a-week woman;
when he became a ten thousand dollar a year man, the woman remained
a ten-dollar-a-week woman, and became a distinct and draining load
upon his back, and a deterrent to his continued success and happiness.
Boswell, Johnson’s biographer, may have had this type in mind when he
wrote:
Whilst courting, and in honeymoon,
With Kate’s allurements smitten,
I loved her late, I loved her soon,
And called her dearest kitten.
But now my kitten’s grown a cat,
And cross, like other wives.
Alas! alas! my honest Matt,
I fear she has nine lives.
In “How to Love” (Little Blue Book No. 98), problems of this nature
were taken up and discussed: the only remedy being, where a marriage
becomes loveless, to terminate the marriage, for the benefit of
the man, the woman, and the children concerned. From the woman’s
standpoint, the chief danger in mating is that she will get a man
lacking her sensitiveness, and unable to grow into an appreciation
of it. She finds herself mated for life to a cruder, coarser, and
incompatible male; and, when love dies, and cruelty and infidelity take
its place, only the remedy indicated above will serve. There are all
these dangers: but they call rather for a wiser courtship, than for an
abolition of wooing and mating.
Lastly, a man or woman is incomplete without courtship and mating.
Those who say that a man or woman can become a perfected, rounded human
being without human love, are deceivers, spreading a mental poison. The
man or woman who goes too long without the practice of love contracts a
case of ingrowing love, as painful and morbid as an ingrowing toenail.
All the immense love energy stagnates and fouls into a diseased nature,
hateful, spiteful, gossipy, perverted and warped from real humanness.
There can be no ultimate reason against mating. The task is to woo well
and mate wisely.
_Wooing by Women._--Today, contrary to the custom in the sub-human
world and among the earliest savage men, woman must woo as well as
man. The reason lies in man’s alteration of the standards of society.
The female animal is not as competent as her mate in the hunt and the
kill, and in coping with life. Men have rendered women incompetent by
thousands of years of hothouse sheltering and by servile toil for many
more. The woman today realizes,--we speak of the less intelligent woman
now--that her task in life is to obtain a husband, as a permanent meal
ticket, and as provider of home, clothing, and all the rest of the
tremendous trifles of civilization. Such a mistaught girl goes after a
man as a fisherman goes after a brook trout, and more frequently than
is good for the man lands the poor fish, and has him hooked thoroughly
thereafter. Such a woman has been taught that marriage should be based,
not upon love, but upon a man’s ability to care financially for the
woman. Life’s highest crown is a satisfying human love. This she has
not aimed for, and this she does not get. When she aims low, she scores
low: and, if the man is wise, he will dump her and leave her high and
dry, when it is too late for her to go after the finer goal.
But even the wise woman today realizes that the whole social
arrangement of mating between the sexes is overcast with absurd taboos
and restrictions; and that, if she is to mate happily, she must regain
part of woman’s lost privilege of choice. There is nothing “unladylike”
in her doing the choosing, in her unostentatious wooing, and, if
necessary, in her proposing marriage herself. We will take up woman as
a wooer later.
_What Wooing Consists Of._--From the standpoint of either sex, wooing
superficially consists of only one thing: conquest of the woman or man
pursued, the gaining of the ultimate favor, if the woman be pursued,
with or without marriage, and the gaining of marriage, if the man
is the pursued. If wooing is regarded in this light, it is possible
that the pursuit is always limited, if not erroneous. For the matter
of conquest is not the ultimate one in wooing and mating. The proper
purpose of wooing is to choose and win the right mate.
The matter of choosing brings up the second and far more important
element of wooing, which might be described as education in the
opposite sex. Society today makes no adequate provision for practical
laboratory education in the characteristics of the opposite sex: a
wiser civilization will supply ample facilities for this indispensable
part of human education. The man comes to adolescence without any
knowledge of woman, beyond his slight information concerning his mother
and his sisters, if he has any, and casual contacts with other girls
and women. The girl comes to adolescence as ill-informed. Yet soon
thereafter man and girl are called upon to enter, without preliminary
training, the game or gamble of securing a life mate, who will lift
them up or drag them down thereafter, in all of their efforts. Socially
this is a crime. The only thing that can partially supply the lack of
information, today, is the wooing period. For, after marriage, it is
difficult to end the relationship; and, before marriage, if the parties
learn they are ill-suited, intelligent men and women still have a
dignified chance to break off the unwise mating before it solidifies
into the chains of marriage. Keep in mind, then, that the wooing period
is primarily a time for learning about the other sex, and its traits
and eccentricities. The young man or woman in love should study the
subject, from books and from living teachers, as amply as possible: and
should observe other men and women, unmarried and married, with eyes
as clear as he or she can make them. If the wooing is regarded as an
education in love, and especially in the person wooed, its value will
be doubled.
II
WHOM TO WOO
_Physical Mates._--The lowest form of mating is that on the exclusively
physical plane. Yet this is perhaps the most important aspect of all.
If lovers are not physically pleasing and satisfactory to each other,
all the financial and other inducements are worthless.
The first problem concerns the respective ages of the parties. Should
they be of the same ages? If not, which should be older? On this point,
Shakespeare says:
Let still the woman take
An elder than herself; so wears she to him,
So sways she level in her husband’s heart.
For, boy, however we do praise ourselves,
Our fancies are more giddy and inform,
More longing, wavering, sooner lost and won,
Than woman’s are.
The woman matures earlier; so the younger woman is the normal
equivalent, especially physically, of the man a few years older.
This is all right for the time of the mating: but thereafter the man
overcomes the woman’s lead, and soon surpasses her; and when, at her
change of life, she has largely finished her physical function of
love-making, the man is still equipped as a wooer and lover. On the
other side of the same question, the same poet wrote:
Crabbed Age and Youth
Cannot live together:
Youth is full or pleasance,
Age is full of care;
Youth like summer morn,
Age like winter weather,
Youth like summer brave,
Age like winter bare:
Youth is full of sport,
Age’s breath is short,
Youth is nimble, Age is lame;
Youth is hot and bold,
Age is weak and cold,
Youth is wild, and Age is tame:--
Age, I do abhor thee,
Youth, I do adore thee;
O! my Love, my Love is young!
Age, I do defy thee--
O sweet shepherd, hie thee,
For methinks thou stay’st too long.
This is worth quoting in full to drive home, in the concentrated
phrasing of a master, the extreme differences between youth and age.
When an elderly well-to-do man marries a young and lovely girl, as
often happens, this may apply; and when a young man marries a woman old
enough to be his mother, this may also apply.
And yet, each one’s problems of the choice of a mate is an individual
problem: no general rules may be laid down. The man’s first vague
ideal of the woman he wishes to love is made to imitate largely, in
normal cases, his mother; the girl’s, her father. If this first ideal
impression persists with great strength thereafter, youth will be
happy only with age. If, in the more normal case, youth desires youth
finally, then the invaluable courtship period should have taught this
lesson: the young man or woman turns from the intended older mate,
and the evil is corrected before it is too late. The person fully
experienced in love will have experimented in courtship with people of
various ages, to find where the ideal lies. Too much experimentation,
of course, rubs off something of the bloom, but if enlightenment
follows this rubbing off of the bloom, the thing is worthwhile.
As to dispositions, again no general rule can be laid down. Biological
science says those are most happily mated whose dispositions are
opposite. Similarly, biological science says that blonde should
mate with brunette, and tall with short: it making no difference to
science whether the man is the tall or short one, or the woman the
short or tall one. Biological science is true in generalities, and
does not pretend to solve individual cases and preferences. The only
recommendation is, try the one you are first attracted to; and, if
the period of courtship indicates a mistake has been made, and that
incompatibility comes from opposite temperaments, or from the same
temperaments, try elsewhere.
When should one woo and marry? Are early or late marriages advisable?
Here society’s present financial arrangement comes in. Unless the
man or woman is wealthy already--and few are--the man cannot afford
to support a wife, in professional or white-collared business life,
until he is from 25 to 30. Marriage on a very small income may work
out successfully; in the majority of cases, it does not. The girl who
marries at eighteen has hardly had time to know her own mind yet:
there are arguments for waiting until she is 22 to 25, or even older.
If the man or woman matures slowly, this is reason for later mating.
The danger in late matings is that the man and woman have grown more
fixed and rigid in minor matters: more crotchety, more old-maidish or
old-mannish. The young are more adaptable. All of these things must be
weighed. In general, courtship should begin soon after adolescence, and
the mating should be entered upon as soon as the young man and young
woman feel that they are completely unhappy unless living together.
Health is an important matter. Some states require a health certificate
from both man and woman; and this is a wise precaution. The man or
woman venereally infected should not be permitted to marry, until
medical science gives a clean bill of health. If a man marries a sickly
and ailing woman, who will become an invalid, he is bound down to an
excessive and unpleasing load for life. On the other hand, marriage may
end the woman’s invalidism, which may have been assumed subconsciously
as a protection against being overworked at home, or which may be a
case of physical warping caused by non-expression of the love energy.
If the woman marries an invalid man, unless she wishes to support him
for life, more unhappiness will follow. Samuel Butler, in _Erewhon_,
calls disease a crime; and crime, a mere disease, to be cured by
doctors. For ill health, punishment should follow. This attitude,
revolutionary in a high degree, is in the main sound. Except in rare
cases, only the physically sound should mate. During the courtship,
this should be gone into carefully.
From the physical standpoint, a man should woo that woman or those
women who attract him physically. The wooing period will indicate
whether any one woman is congenial and increasingly desirable. No
one but a congenial woman who is increasingly desirable should be
permanently mated with. The girl should be guided by the same principle
of choice.
_Mental Mates._--The former conception was that the man was supposed
to be the intellectual one, by training, and by contact with the
broadening influences of his work, and of the world of men; and
that the woman should be an intellectual weakling, tending toward
imbecility. In the Oriental world, with its harems and harem favorites,
this is at times the situation achieved. Such a method deprives love
and mating of its chief glory: the intellectual companionship of
congenial spirits.
Woman is no longer forbidden an education. Elementary education is
generally hers, required by law; she may have a college training, or
its equivalent; and, in general, in life thereafter, if left with time
on her hands at home, she is more literate, in the world of books and
ideas, than the man; although she may have had less personal contact
with large groups of minds, such as a man encounters in his business
and social connections. The balance, for the ideal mating, should swing
closer. A woman is the gainer by practical experience at working, so
that she may realize from the standpoint of the earner the value of a
dollar, and not measure it merely from the standpoint of the spender.
A man once locked his business cares up when he left the office, and
never brought them home; or, if he brought them home, brought them
merely as complaints, unintelligible to his wife. The ideal mating
is where the man and woman are equally interested and intelligent
in the business welfare, and are, in effect, partners, as they must
be in results. This state can rarely be entirely reached. But if,
during the courtship, the girl turns out to be a chatter-tongued and
scatter-brained little fool, this is a danger signal to the man, to
get out while the getting is good. The girl who raves over the movies,
dances like a feather, and thinks like one, is not likely to be a fit
mate or mother to the man’s children. The man who turns out to be
merely a would-be sheik, with no ideas above professional baseball or
spending all he has made in a week in one night, is hardly to be chosen
as a permanent mate. Unless such a pair woo and win each other: which
makes two other people happy, who might have won these lemons and been
unhappy thereafter. Courtship is the great testing time, to see whether
the two concerned are congenial mentally, and whether they apparently
have similar capacities of mental growth.
_Social Mates._--Should a girl marry only a man well able to support
her? Should a man marry only a girl who is well off financially? These
questions would be absurd, if current standards of society did not let
them largely dictate many of the most unhappy marriages among us. One
should marry for love, primarily and almost entirely. The purpose of
mating is to increase one’s happiness: love cannot be bought, and the
thing called bought love cannot increase happiness. Love in poverty
has a harder row to hoe than love in comparative opulence: but love
in poverty is immeasurably better than sham love in opulence, which
grows soon enough to hatred in opulence. Let physical attractiveness,
plus mental congeniality, be the touchstones during the wooing period.
The money will somehow come to those who are not utterly spiritual
weaklings, and who present a loving and united front to the world. They
may never be well off: but they will win more of the goal of mating and
life, which is happiness, than well-to-do haters of their mates.
The matter of social position is similar. The chance of happiness in
marriage today is not great when all advantages are in favor of the
mating parties. When to this is added a distinct difference in social
standing, this makes the problem harder of solution. Let this fact,
when ascertained, put you on your guard. But, at the same time, it is
only one fact among many to be weighed; and, if the physical and mental
attractions are strong enough, they should overweigh any inequality in
rearing and background.
Of all errors achieved in mating, perhaps marrying to reform a man is
the worst. If a man cannot overcome his pet vices during the courting
period, when he is free to fight the battle out within himself, it
is almost a sure bet he will not alter after marriage. Even if he
temporarily ends the faults or vices during the courting, he may slump
later. Reforming a man (or a girl either) is a tremendous gamble. If
you choose to gamble with your life, and enjoy the risk, that is an
excellent reason for going ahead with it. But the more normal human
beings will leave reformation to the person concerned, and marry for
other and sounder reasons.
_Special Problems._--Should a man be married who has sowed his wild
oats? Or should a girl insist upon the man’s coming to the mating pure?
Should a girl be married who has sowed her wild oats? Or should a man
insist upon her coming to the mating pure?
The average answer is that the man is the gainer by the sowing of
wild oats; and that the girl is ruined by the practice. Needless to
say, this angle of judgment is all wrong. If the sowing of wild oats
consists in mere amorous experience with other women, or in this
coupled with drinking, even to the point of moderate drunkenness, and
gambling on a scale not too large, the man is not injured for marriage
by these. Nor is the girl injured in the slightest. The object of
life is to achieve happiness. The chief method of gaining this is by
experiencing the world. Love experience is no more harmful (unless
pregnancy results) than experience in sampling different food menus.
If disease has come, that is a matter for the doctors to pass upon,
and the discussion of health above covers it. If the girl has had an
illegitimate child, society’s ban is so strong that the case is altered
somewhat. This is a factor to be weighed by both parties: it does not
of necessity make the girl any the less fit as a mate, than the man
would be if he had had an illegitimate child by another woman.
In general, the man is better off for having sowed some wild oats
before marriage: he is less liable to plow a field of post-marital wild
oats. The same is true, although in a slightly less degree, of the
girl. The only difference is caused by the weight of social standards
upon the two sexes today.
Should a bashful man or woman woo or be wooed? Bashfulness is in no
wise discreditable; it is in general a nervous trait which may be
remedied. It comes in general from a want of self-confidence. In
general, the bashful continue plugging away in humble self-effacement;
and, at times, suddenly burst forth with an achievement far ahead of
that of the brassiest individual, self-confident from birth. The cure
for bashfulness is contact with crowds, which brings sooner or later
the realization that you are not inferior in the slightest to the run
of humanity, and are superior to many of your associates. Something of
the Coué method--repeating to yourself, without intentional compulsion,
“I am important, I believe in myself,” might help. Luckily for the
bashful, they ordinarily attract the opposite temperament. If the
husband of the bashful woman does not make fun of her peculiarity, but
sympathetically brings her out, and if the wife of the bashful man does
the same, the effort becomes more than twice as successful. In general,
the bashful make mates as satisfactory, or more satisfactory, than the
self-confident.
Is love at first sight a possibility? Of course, and a frequent one.
The normal man falls in love, at first sight, with every attractive
woman he sees. If this is an error, take it as a confession. Many a
woman falls in love at first sight with a man who satisfies her ideal,
hitherto unrealized. If both feel the emotion simultaneously, we have
the perfect case. The subsequent wooing will indicate whether this is
enduring love, or an illusion.
Should a man or woman woo several persons at once? In general,
especially in the earlier stages of the wooing, this is an advantage.
If you wish to buy a jewel, you are wise if you examine several, before
making your final choice. The same applies to wooing for a mate. We say
at once, because successive wooing permits choice really only of some
subsequent love object; whereas the first may be, after all, the most
suited. Wooing should be done in honesty; so the element of deception
of the parties concerned should not ordinarily be used. This is not
because it is ethically wrong, but because, if found out, unpleasant
consequences may ensue. But, in general, the wider the choice, the more
satisfactory the mating that follows. People who marry the first woman
or man they are infatuated with are seldom well mated. Since trial
wooings are socially accepted, they should be taken advantage of.
We can now proceed to the technique of wooing.
III
HOW A MAN WOOS
_Whom to Woo._--The first thing to emphasize is that you are wooing
the girl, and not her father, her mother, her aunts, or her family in
general. Since the objects of the wooing are (1) to learn whether the
girl is congenial, and (2) to persuade her that you are congenial, and
should be accepted, you will find that the second object is achieved
best by making yourself attractive to her. In cases where she cares
for the opinion of her mother, or father, or family, it is the part of
wisdom to court, within reason, the family as well. But the main thing
is to woo the girl.
The girl must be willing to be wooed, sooner or later, or you had best
cease your efforts. In normal cases, she will not object from the
start. If she objects, because she is interested in someone else, or
thinks she does not care to be made love to or to marry, or because
she thinks there is some personal reason why you are distasteful,
your first task is to continue courteously in your suit, until you
test out whether or not you can remove this preliminary bar. If she
is interested in some one else, this becomes the old conflict between
males for the female’s favor: and you will use the methods indicated
hereafter. If she professes to be entirely uninterested in love and
mating, unless she is abnormal fundamentally this is easy to overcome.
Lay aside your obvious wooing, interest yourself in whatever she is
interested in, and qualify as a friend and companion in her own
interests. She will soon, if she is normal, recognize the great value
of your companionship, and from this love should speedily grow.
If the objection is that she finds some trait in the man that is
distasteful to her, this dislike must be overcome. Perhaps the
objection is to some mannerism of the man’s, some error of speech, or
some habit which may be altered by him. In such cases, if he desires to
win the girl’s favor, he must either change the trait, or convince her
that she does not really object to it. Of course, her very objection
may be an education to the young man, both as to her nature, and as to
how others look upon his actions. If, for objection, she objects to his
friendship with a certain man, or to his going to baseball games, he
may, after studying out the matter, decide that the girl is too narrow
in her ideas to be his desired mate. He should, of course, first try
to educate her attitude toward an acceptance of his trait; but, if he
fails, the world is full of girls, and he may find much more happiness
elsewhere. Suppose her objection is to some error of speech that the
man constantly commits. In this case, his task is to correct it, not
only to please the girl, but because her objection has given him an
insight into how other people regard the mistake which he may have
always heard made and made himself, without exciting comment.
Six months ago, a girl whom I know met a young man, of good family,
fairly well-to-do, fairly educated (a couple of college degrees, I
think), and a man who had traveled rather extensively in Europe and
South America. He played a good hand of bridge, was interested in the
same artistic things that the girl was, and was smitten with her from
the first. After playing around with him for a couple of months, she
refused to see him thereafter, except in a large party; and absolutely
refused to let him court her further. The reason can be gathered
from this typical specimen of his conversation. “I was at the club,
see? A lot of the fellows were there, see? And we decided to shoot a
little bridge, see? On the very first hand, see? I had four honors in
diamonds, and I bid two diamonds, see?” Tactfully the girl had pointed
out that the constantly reiterated “see” just was not done by literate
people. The man could not or would not change it: and yet that small
irksome trait was what cost him the girl he wanted.
In more usual cases, however, the girl is willing to be wooed from the
start. Then your task is easier.
_Object and Methods of Wooing._--The object of wooing, in addition to
its value as education in the opposite sex, is to win the regard of the
other person, if you continue to desire her, and to win her consent
to the mating. What is the practical method of doing this? The easy
and only wholly satisfactory way is to make yourself attractive to the
girl, so that you become indispensable to her happiness, her enjoyment
of any experience, and her contented living.
Let it be repeated, that the man must stand high in the girl’s eyes,
to give the mating a chance for success. If the girl takes a man as
a last chance, because she fears she can get no other suitor, the
chance for happiness is lessened: if at any time later she meets a more
attractive man who persuades her that he would have proposed, if she
had waited, regret and dissatisfaction may set in, and the whole love
and marriage relationship may be curdled. When a man singles out a girl
for his attention, he cannot avoid transplanting the situation back
to the old savage days, when the male preened and strutted before the
female, anxious for her approval. What are some of the obvious ways to
win her approval, which at times are neglected so disastrously that the
man’s chances end at once?
Notice the man’s difficult task: to look at himself with the girl’s
eyes, and furnish her with an increasingly attractive picture of
himself. Some genius uttered the brilliant half truth that love is
blind. Luckily for all of us, this is largely true. But a girl’s
parents and relatives, friends, and rival suitors, will obligingly
lend their eyes as glasses to her: and the man may expect to find what
faults he has magnified almost out of recognition. What, then, from the
girls’ standpoint, will she look for in the man?
First of all, girls are by nature neater than men. Girls will allow
much latitude to a man for carelessness in attire. But the man who
neglects such simple toilet matters as the care of his nails, and
presents himself with a black rim under them; who lets his shirts
and collars remain in service till they are sooty; whose shoes are
unnecessarily unpolished, on occasions when she may expect to be
judged by other eyes from the standpoint of her escort,--such a
neglectful man may as well know that any one of these things may damn
him more in the eyes of the girl than if he had committed murder.
Secondly, a girl will judge the man by how she thinks he will look
in the eyes of her friends and associates. If the man is slightly
ungrammatical, and so are she and her friends, this makes no
difference. But, if she has more booklearning than he, and if her
friends are critical in this regard, and regard themselves as at
all highbrowish, the man must make it his job to grow up to her
literate standards. “I don’t like that there show,” “them sort of
pictures,” “moving pitchers,” “I ought to of went,” and all the rest
of the verbal atrocities that the ungrammatical blunder into, must be
corrected. Winning and keeping a girl’s regard must be regarded as
seriously as getting ahead in business. Wooing thus includes a course
in self-improvement, along every line. It will do no harm to obtain a
book of handy helps in grammar, in etiquette, and the like. Don’t eat
peas with your knife, or wear a red tie with a dinner jacket: unless
the girl prefers it. In that case, the advice is the reverse: study
the proper mistakes to make. Later on, you can gradually lead the girl
toward improving herself. Make yourself attractive in every way in the
eyes of the girl, and of the relatives or friends on whose judgment she
relies.
The moral qualities go along with this. The normal girl will prefer a
man who stands well in men’s eyes: that is, who has the reputation of
a he-man, equipped with at least an average amount of human courage. As
a matter of fact, if the last sentence were truer, it would be better
for girls. A large number of them, unfortunately, prefer instead the
man whom women like, and men dislike: the parlor lizard type, the
afternoon tea snake specimen, the namby-pamby woman-pleaser who never
makes a success of anything in life except wooing women. There is a
thrill, beyond doubt, in being wooed and kissed by such a man: there is
much unhappiness in a continuing relationship with him.
Having made yourself attractive, the next thing is to make yourself
important and indispensable in the girl’s eyes. If the girl is
sensible, a display of sensible ideas on matters of life will aid; if
she is frivolous minded, a display of a frivolous, spendthrift nature
is more shrewd. Do the things she expects of you: date her up as often
as she desires--it may take all of your shrewdness to ascertain the
fact, too. Take her, not essentially where you want to, but where she
wants to go. If you adore boxing matches, and she prefers Coney Island
and art museums, postpone the boxing matches and take in the others. If
you like good music, and she cares only for the movies and baseball,
first make up your mind whether you want to continue to woo her; and,
if you do, especially at first, take her where she wants to go, and
only slowly and tactfully sprinkle in with the cinema thrills and the
paid athletics a small dose of Brahms and Beethoven. Do what she
expects of you: and always do a little more. That is, do the unexpected
thoughtful little things. Find out her favorite foods, chewing gums,
cigarettes, people, amusements; and go out of your way to provide
her with these. If you like chewy chocolates, and she detests candy
and adores pickles, do not provide her with an elegant two pound box
of chewy chocolates. Don’t be like the married man who presents his
timid old-fashioned wife with a box of cigars for Christmas, and then
smokes them himself. Be more courteous and thoughtful to her in public
that she has a right to expect. This advice is sound, unless the girl
is of the rare clinging vine type who wants a man to bang her around
in alleged he-man style. If that is what she wants, give her all the
banging she can stand. Make your motto, “We Strive to Please”--and do
more than strive.
You will want, and she will expect, some physical love from the start.
Among different strata of society, customs as to kissing and caressing
differ. Never give the girl less than she expects. After you have found
out that she likes to be kissed, you will disappoint her permanently
if you give her the sort of kiss you would give dear old Aunt Tabbie,
aged ninety-eight in the shade. Yet remember to think of her wishes
primarily: don’t give her the sort of kisses you want first, but the
kind that she wants. Your artistry will come in subtly leading her to
want things that you want. And, once a woman is generally satisfied
with a wooer, and wants his approval, she moves swiftly to the place
where she wants to please her lover in every way. Then the desires
coincide: and the man can read his own wishes, and know them for the
girl’s as well.
_Problems of Wooing._--The man should find out what he wants from the
girl--whether a mere flirtation, a temporary mating, or a permanent
one--and adapt his technique to gaining his goal. For instance, in the
question of letters. He should do his best to satisfy a girl’s craving
for love letters, if separations occur. In all probability, he cannot
satisfy her desires here: what she really wants is his presence, and
a thousand-page letter does not give the thrill of that. Ordinarily
it is not the best tactics to spill over endlessly in a love letter:
a chatty, companionable letter, with artistically worded love phrases
that hint a vast withheld reservoir of love, is better as a rule than
pages of sugary sentimentality. Except at the very first, when all
rules of sanity are laid aside. And yet, recall that, if you desire
subsequently to retire from the courtship, love letters may be very
embarrassing. Try to phrase your letters so that they mean everything
to the girl, and nothing to the outside world, which may have the
pleasure of reading them in newspaper columns featuring a breach of
promise case. It is well to keep this possibility in mind from the
start. Don’t store up trouble for yourself in this fashion. Be cryptic
and allusive, leaving more than half for the girl to read between the
lines. It may save you trouble in the long run.
As for wooing and proposing by proxy, even the most bashful person had
just as well learn that it is suicidal. The proxy brings a message
to the girl that should come from the beloved man: insensibly her
emotion goes out to the bearer of the message. Captain Miles Standish
sent John Alden to woo Priscilla for him, and the maiden wisely said,
“Why don’t you speak for yourself, John?” King Edgar’s trusted courier
wrote the king that the maiden he desired to wed was ugly and wholly
unattractive, and then proceeded to marry her himself for her beauty,
for which the king later lopped off the man’s head. Wooing by proxy is
much worse than not wooing at all.
As for quarrels, the more experienced wooer will have few or none of
them. Beginners in love will insensibly drift into them. Now quarrels
have no place in most real loves: they are a sign of some concealed
dislike or aversion, which may take a more virulent and costly form
after the wooing has been made irrevocable, or comparatively so, by
marriage. If the quarrel can be easily patched up, well and good; but
if quarrels constantly come, it is a bad omen. The only exception is
where both man and girl enjoy a quarrel more than peace, and mate in
order to have a mate to quarrel with for life. This is abnormal; and,
if you are a normal man or girl, understand that quarrels, especially
if they are usually over trifles, are a good warning to break off the
courtship and look elsewhere.
_The Proposal, and After._--No sensible girl today wants the man to
propose to her father, or her parents, before he proposes to her. After
all, he is not marrying the father, or the parents; he is marrying the
girl. The father or parents are consulted after the plans are made, for
ratification and aid: the goal is the mutual consent of the lovers.
Again, customs as to the seriousness with which proposals are regarded
differ strikingly in certain localities and at certain seasons. In the
South, from which I came, a girl is proposed to almost as easily as she
is asked for a dance; she becomes engaged as casually as she accepts a
drink of water, and breaks it off whenever the mood strikes her. During
college days and the girl’s early debutante days, she may be “engaged”
to several or half a dozen men at a time. In the North, the custom
is ordinarily different. Again, there are seasonal variations: young
couples who meet at a summering place may become engaged for their
mutual pleasure during the summer, with no intention of ever seeing
each other when they return to their regular homes in the autumn. All
of these things must be taken into account.
Don’t study a book of etiquette as to how to propose. The more stilted
and formal a proposal is, the easier it is for the girl to laugh at the
ridiculousness of the situation. Real lovers know, without the words
having been said, that their equivalent in deeds has been achieved.
Even a slang proposal, “Well, honey, shall we hit it off together?”
may be far more effective than “May I have the honor of making you
my wife?” Be natural in this, unless you have ascertained that the
girl desires the frills. In that case, give her what she desires. The
acceptance may be given with a kiss, or with mere words. More usually,
the girl will ask for time to consider the matter. If she means yes by
this, proceed to make that clear to her. If not, keep after her until
you win the acceptance, or her friendly refusal.
It is not hard to read from a girl’s refusal whether she means a real
objection, or merely a delay. If you really desire her, she will be
flattered by your continuing to woo her, and to make yourself more and
more attractive in her eyes. In any case, if she is worthy at all, she
will word her rejection so as never to wound the man unnecessarily. If
the parties are suitable as mates, a rejection alters soon enough to an
acceptance.
_Courtship After Marriage._--_How to Love_ (Little Blue Book No. 98)
takes up the problem of how to act after the mate has been won. It
may be briefly summarized here thus: the real lover, man or woman,
continues the courtship as long as the mating lasts. All that has been
said about making oneself attractive in the eyes of the other, applies
with especial force to this wooing after marriage. Do your best to make
a success of the mating; if your efforts fail, and a separation or
divorce is necessary, you can never reproach yourself afterwards with
the accusation that you did not try your best.
As for courtship of other women after marriage, or a woman’s courtship
of other men after marriage, both of these are known; and, in our
present organization of society, are natural. The man who is by nature
promiscuous, or the woman who has the same nature, for his or her
happiness will be as faithful as possible. If love comes toward another
woman or man, the lover will come to it with more artistry and more
experience than in the earlier attempts; and the technique of wooing
should be correspondingly improved.
IV
HOW A WOMAN WOOS
_Fancy Flirtations._--Most textbooks on wooing and courtship devote
their space allotted to woman’s wooing to such absurd devices as
flirtation by parasol, fan, glove, handkerchief, dining table signals,
window flirtation, and flower flirtation. The number of people who read
such silly books is limited; the number among these who remember what
they have read is far smaller; and perhaps no men are included in the
latter number. Thus no man will understand what your signals mean. A
few of the choice instructions given are as follows:
_Parasol Flirtations_
Carrying it elevated in left hand--Desiring acquaintance.
Carrying it closed in left hand--Meet on the first crossing.
Carrying it closed in right hand by the side--Follow me.
Closing it up--I want to speak to you, love.
Swinging to and fro on the handle, on right side--I am married.
With handle to lips--Kiss me.
The trouble is, all women must carry their parasols somehow, and in
more than nine cases out of ten, they have no faintest dream of these
so-called signals. If you ignore them, and they are intended, you
insult the lady; if you act on them--as, for instance, stepping up and
kissing a stranger who has nervously brought the handle of her parasol
to her lips--you are liable to be fined $750 in Pennsylvania, $2,500 in
New York State, and the vast sum of $1.15 in New Jersey. This whole
procedure is a bit too dumb even for Rotary Club members and old maid
school teachers, the two classes who seem to know least about life.
Now for the fan:
_Fan Flirtations_
Drawing across the forehead--We are watched.
Fanning fast--I am engaged.
Open and shut--You are cruel.
Dropping--We will be friends.
It fills space in the books, but don’t try to follow it, unless you
wish to get the most unpleasant surprise of your career.
We learn that a girl who drops both gloves means thereby “I love you”;
that the right hand with the naked thumb exposed means “Kiss me,” and
so interminably on. So anything done with the handkerchief is supposed
to mean some tender message. There are 21 tender messages conveyed
with napkin, knife, fork, spoon, and cup; there are 40 tender signals
conveyed by finger signals through a window, perhaps the dumbest being:
Closing hand to the eye, _a la_ telescope--I would see you.
Or take the elaborate language of flowers. If a man sends a girl white
roses, quite a possible gift if they are the most attractive things
in the florist’s shop, his message, also is, “I am too young to marry
yet”! If he presents her with tansy, one of the loveliest of the daisy
family, his message is “I declare war against you.” The books omit a
few of the more useful flowers and vegetables, so we add them here as a
supplement, urging that they be tried out at least. Send your girl one
of the following (or send it to your man), with the meaning indicated:
_Chrysanthemum_--I prefer Norma Talmadge to kissing at Coney Island.
_Cauliflower_--My sister is married to a retired butcher with a cork
leg.
_Onion_--You will weep if you don’t marry me.
_Japanese Persimmon_--Kiss me, my lips are ripe.
_Apple_--I’ll be your Eve, if you care, Adam.
_Wild Leek_--Please ’phone the plumber for mother.
Having carefully memorized this list, proceed to forget it, and go
ahead and woo naturally without it.
_Judging Men._--In general, men have a fairly easy time in judging
the girls they go with. For, common opinion to the contrary
notwithstanding, a man is more secretive and shrewder in hiding his
faults than a woman. A girl who is sparing in her use of paint and
cosmetics ordinarily is sensible and fit to be a mate. A girl who
over-rouges and over-paints is one of two things: either typically
“fast” or an imitator of her favorite movie heroine. Either may make a
good mate. In either case, the progress of the wooing will soon teach
the man whether the girl has any conception of happy mating, or is
only a parasite who wants to be decked in fine feathers and princessed
through life, with the man paying the bills.
When a girl comes to judge a man, her task is harder. The man who is
liked by other men is, in most cases, to be preferred to the man
who is despised by men, and adored by vapid women. There is a class
of women who are mere men-hunters, ranging from the out-and-out
gold-digger, who sells her charms as shrewdly as she can for outright
gifts amounting to support--and who may remain, in the eyes of society,
a “good girl” in spite of it--to the girl who protests vehemently that
she despises the gold-digger, yet spends all her energies in securing
men to take her to dinner and the theater, and to give her gifts
sufficient for her support, or at least sufficient to give her the
luxuries she would not otherwise get. These parasitic or sponging women
are to be avoided, except by the man who wants them frankly, being
willing to pay the price for the temporary stimulus of their company.
There is a far larger class of men who prey on women. These men are
the vestiges of the social system that is already dying--the system
of the double standard of morals for men and women, by which a man
was allowed to sow as extensive a crop of wild oats as he could, with
social sanction; and by which the woman who strayed a trifle from the
narrow path of rectitude was thereafter regarded as a “fallen woman,”
and any man’s legitimate prey. To such men, women are the goal of man’s
predatory instincts. It was a man’s imperative to seek out innocent
girls, and seduce as many of them as possible, taking no thought
for their welfare, and caring only to shield himself. The girl who
resisted the seductions (and she was equipped for resistance only with
an intense and abiding ignorance of all things concerning sex life)
was qualified to be a man’s wife; the other, the girl who was deceived
by glib promises and a suave exterior into a surrender of her body,
and the girl who was willing to experiment with love, were henceforth
regarded as fallen women, and were disqualified as permanent mates.
Such men exist today: the general class of traveling salesman, not
quite fairly, is taken as an example of such men of prey. Needless to
say, the girl’s task is to ascertain at once if her would-be suitor
belongs to this class. If he does, she must decide whether or not she
wishes to play with such unworthy fire. It is a safe gamble that, if
she gets him to the point of marrying, with any intention of reforming
him, she will fail in the last undertaking by a tremendous margin. If
she wants the experience of being seduced, she may go ahead and undergo
it, for the man will be found willing. And modern standards of judgment
hold that the girl who has sowed her wild oats is no more “fallen” than
the man who has sowed his wild oats. Society is only slowly accepting
this point of view; but as more and more women become wage-earners,
as managers and owners of businesses, as office workers and store
workers, they are reaching the point where they can buy their will of
the world, and insist that their wild oats be judged no more harshly
than a man’s. The girl supported by others, as the girl living at home,
cannot afford to run such risks. Furthermore, even the working girl has
to face blackmail from the seducer, the possible loss of her job, and
the unpleasantnesses and expense of bearing an illegitimate child. But
if she understands matters of sex, and desires to go ahead, that is her
business.
The more normal girl will regard such a man as the vestigial
anachronism that he is, and will promptly give him his walking papers.
She will confine her acceptance of courtship, and her wooing itself, to
a man with more intelligence and a more modern outlook upon life.
Should a girl woo, when she is convinced that the man is worthy to
be her mate? There is no reason in the world why she should not. Her
object is to make herself attractive to the man: and this usually
involves preserving a certain amount of dignity. Thus her wooing
should, as a rule, be less obtrusive and more subtle than a man’s. But,
once having decided that she desires a man for a mate, she should use
every method of proving herself his invaluable companion--a campaign
that the man should use in a similar situation. A little tactful
questioning on her part will soon discover where the man’s ideals lie.
If he really wants a home-maker, and she is willing to give this rather
subservient role a trial, she can emphasize her domestic capabilities,
cook him tasty dishes if there is an opportunity, embroider his
handkerchiefs, and otherwise show that she fits into the role of his
desired mate. If he wants an intellectual companion primarily, she can
indicate that she qualifies in this respect.
In general, there is a prejudice against a woman’s taking the
aggressive in the actual wooing, and the final proposing. This
prejudice is dissolving. Wooing and mating should be matters of mutual
choice: and if, for instance, the man is the more backward and bashful
of the two, it is the duty of the girl to aid him over the difficult
spot, even to the extent of doing the proposing. Just so she preserves
the role of being pleasing and attractive, there is no limit to what
she may ethically do.
This altering standard carries with it a change in the man’s attitude.
There was once a so-called chivalrous attitude, which would prevent a
man’s refusing a woman, in such a situation. Now such chivalry is based
upon a false assumption, and tends to produce lifelong unhappiness,
rather than happiness. After the preliminaries have been finished, the
course of the courtship and the mating should be marked by as high a
degree of honesty and sincerity as is possible. Insincere chivalry is
a wrecker of happiness. If the man does not want to marry the girl,
it is his duty to say so, just as sincerely as a girl would refuse,
if the roles were reversed. He will, of course, phrase his rejection
finally, but at the same time so tactfully that the girl will not feel
insulted. In such cases, a good way is to refuse on the ground that the
man regards himself as unworthy: a courteous insincerity which both
will understand, if the man makes it clear that his decision upon this
ground is final.
_“Nice” Girl or Human Being?_--The old-fashioned training of girls
developed them into “nice” girls, with Victorian prejudices, ignorant
of everything essential to life. The pendulum has swung to the other
extreme: the modern generation of petters and neckers, who have the
forefront of today’s picture, are the very reverse of this. There
are still enough girls today, who have much of the old so-called
“niceness,” and hardly tend at all to the petting type. Many of them
retain this finicky and meticulous niceness, because they are assured,
by their dumb elders, that this makes them more attractive in the eyes
of men.
It does not. Unless you desire your man to continue to divide womankind
into two classes--“nice” women like his wife, to whom he may not tell
a clever risque story, whom he will love physically only in a “nice
way”; and the other type of women, to whom he probably will turn sooner
or later, and thereafter increasingly, for the solid human comfort
of utter physical mating--unless you wish your husband to share his
physical love with less worthy and more human women, you had best get
over your “niceness” as soon as possible, and graduate into the class
of human beings.
Here is a typical problem. A young friend of mine was tremendously
intrigued by an attractive young girl. He told her censored versions of
some of his favorite stories, such as the story of the negro preacher
who announced to his congregation: “Breddren an’ sistren, I aim to take
my text, dis mawnin’, from de text ‘De widder’s mite.’” As he paused
impressively, a deacon in the front row rose. “Brudder, dere’s only one
thing wrong wid dat text: Dey do!” This is a delightfully clever story,
with a subtle and inoffensive double meaning. The girl put on her
“nicest” expression, and said, with finicky distaste in her face, “How
revolting!”
When she had made the same response to all efforts on his part to
interest her in matters which men regard as almost too mild for a
laugh, and which other girls of his acquaintance were highly amused at,
he came to the wise conclusion that this was not the girl for him. He
had no intention of being saddled for life with a girl whose attitude
was “How revolting!” He ceased to pay attentions to her, and soon found
a much more admirable girl, with whom he is at present happily married.
The “How revolting!” girl still thinks that her conduct was right; that
the man has lowered himself; and will continue to delude herself so
until she wastes into a vinegary old-maidhood.
If a girl has had a normal rearing, she will not make the mistake of
thinking that the Puritans were right: that bodies end at the neck
and at the shoe-tops, with nothing between, and that ordinary human
matters, especially those touching the tabooed facts of life, are never
to be mentioned intimately between men and women. No matter what the
taboo before mating, after mating the happy lovers speak with utter
frankness to each other. A certain amount of coarseness, in its place,
is a splendid release for energy that would otherwise fester and
warp, and lead the lovers to seek satisfaction outside of the mating
relationship. And, since this will come after mating in well-mated
couples, even before the mating an increasing frankness will mark the
intercourse of an intelligent young man and young woman.
There is one other thing to be remembered by the girl, both as wooer
and as wooed. Courtship is an education in the opposite sex, and in
love: and this education should not be superficial. It is a common
statement of doctors that engaged people as a rule know each other
physically before the marriage. I will take this up in the next
chapter.
V
CONDUCT DURING THE ENGAGEMENT
_Conduct in Public._--An engagement is a pledge, mutually given by two
people, that their courtship is to terminate in mating or marriage.
This is both a private and a public matter. Personal reasons may
make it necessary to keep this secret, at least for a time. It is
preferable, from many standpoints, that it be announced as soon as
possible. Intimate friends, at least, should be let in on the secret.
Whenever possible, it should be made public. For it affects other
people, and their conduct toward the engaged couple, as well as the two
themselves.
An engagement, luckily for men and women, is not irrevocable: I will
take up the breaking of engagements later. But it should not be entered
upon too casually. This is especially true when, for instance, two
men woo one girl. If one man persuades her to decide in his favor and
against the other man, he should weigh more carefully than usual his
proposal. For, if he gets her to surrender something tangible--the
courtship of the other man--for his own courtship, it is less fair to
her thereafter to break the engagement. She has actually surrendered
something; it may be impossible for her subsequently to accept the
attentions of the other man, who will not renew an offer once rejected.
A breakage in such cases should only be urged by the man, when the
happiness of both clearly demands it.
The matter of an engagement ring comes up, as the conventional way
of announcing to the world that the girl is engaged. There is a
decided feeling today against wedding rings, originating as symbols
of servitude; and this extends, among some girls, to a dislike of
engagement rings as well. For all their jeweled state, they represent
a subjection, a surrender of freedom to the other party. The sting of
the subjection is lessened, if both man and woman wear wedding rings,
and both wear engagement rings. Yet there are men who are not willing
to wear rings: and, if the girl objects, it may be better for neither
to wear them. As to choice of ring, the girl is wisest who makes sure
that the young man does not exceed his legitimate income for spending,
in purchasing her a ring. The object should not be to secure a ring
slightly larger than any worn by her girl friends; it should be to wear
an attractive token of an inner affection. There is no sense in going
into love blindly, even at this stage: it is the girl’s duty to find
out what her fiancé’s financial prospects are, and for him to find out
hers. Since they propose to share financial life together, there is no
sense in even starting this blindly.
As to the ring, it is true that it symbolizes a loss of freedom. But
it is also true that this loss of freedom is an actual thing. Parties
to an engagement must of necessity surrender much, when they decide to
proceed with a courtship into a mating or marriage. Before the proposal
is given and accepted, the man and the girl as well have the whole
world of women and men to choose from: the proposal and its acceptance
definitely mark a surrender of all the other possibilities, in favor
of this one. When you scan a menu of desserts, you can select pie, ice
cream, pudding, or many another choice. The choice of one, as a rule,
must mean the surrender of the right to choose any of the others. This
is, as a rule, as true of lovers as it is of desserts. Since, then, the
loss of freedom is actual, there is no great extrinsic objection to the
custom of the wearing of rings by both.
The compensations for the loss of freedom should overbalance the
surrender. A man cannot forever balance in his mind the rival
possibilities of settling in Florida, California, Chicago, New York, or
some village: he must sooner or later make up his mind, choose one, and
do his best to make his life a success there. It is so with love. The
engaged couple have given up the rest of the world as potential mates:
and they step at once, and increasingly, into the pleasure-garden of
mated human love. A mere choice of all the women in the world is not
to be compared with the actual embrace of the one among these that you
desire. Only the man or woman with an insatiable physical wanderlust
will prefer the wandering to the arrival at the goal of love.
Mating does not mean slavery to the other party: it means, as a rule,
exclusive physical love with one person, but constant human intercourse
with many more. There is not even the slightest ethical offense in a
girl’s acceptance of attentions from other men, which stop short of
the erotic. She can go to dances, plays, meals, with them; and a man
can do the same with other girls. Life after mating will be monotonous
enough, in most cases: if the engaged couple dance exclusively with
each other, the monotony may commence so soon that it will frighten the
pair off from ultimate marriage. As a rule, other people incline to
leave an engaged couple alone anyhow: it will be up to the man and girl
to encourage reasonable attentions from others.
This is theoretically sound: but the element of human jealousy must be
taken into account. If either of the parties is excessively jealous,
since the lover’s desire is to remain attractive in the eyes of the
other lover, there must be some compromise. Jealousy partakes of the
nature of a malignant disease: rooted in a normal desire to possess
the loved one, it may degenerate into an insanity that wrecks all
happiness. If the jealousy of the other party is increasingly extreme,
our advice is to end the relationship. If the decision is to continue
it, compromises will have to come in: and the girl or man will retain
the right to go with other people, only to the extent that the jealous
one can be persuaded to permit. This calls for all the tact and
sympathy in the world.
_In Private._--The conduct of engaged people in private must keep in
mind the purpose of the engagement. This is the great testing period
of compatibility and mutual adaptability. If both parties are not
adaptable, a heavier burden is laid upon the one who is. If the burden
of adjusting oneself to the whims, caprices, and crotchets of the other
is too great, there is still the chance to terminate the engagement.
And, if neither party is adaptable, there seems no other happy way out
of the situation.
The chief problem confronting the engaged girl is to what extent she
will experiment physically with love. As stated, many doctors say that
most engaged couples, before marriage, have experienced love fully.
This is not an indictment, but a statement of a fact. There are strong
arguments in its favor. If a man and woman are not physically pleasing
to one another, the happiness of the marriage is doomed from the
start. If, for instance, one of the mates is sexually frigid, and one
passionate, it is almost impossible for them to satisfy each other: and
the constant temptation will be present to try to find satisfaction
outside of the mating relationship, a temptation that is often yielded
to, at times to the wreckage of the relationship. There is no way for
people to know the physical nature of the other, without physical
experimentation.
The danger in the procedure is that the man may turn out to be a
predatory male, who becomes engaged to girl after girl for the mere
pleasure of temporary enjoyment of her. This is a danger that the girl
must run; and, if she has made it her task to study the man’s nature
carefully, she should know by now whether or not her intended mate is
to be trusted. There are many women who believe that, if a man is once
given the ultimate favor, he at once regards the girl as cheapened
in his eyes. The consensus of intelligent opinion seems to be to the
very other extreme: that that many a girl has wrecked her chances for
happiness, by refusing to grant the ultimate favor. Only an abnormal
man will habitually regard a woman who yields to him as cheapened.
As the time for the final mating draws near, and the mutual desires
rise toward their crest, he may regard it as utterly unreasonable for
the girl to withhold longer. The man is usually the aggressor in such
cases; and, if the woman is the aggressor, she will have the same
opinion of the man.
Yet, since there are risks on both sides of the matter, it remains a
subject on which the wise will give no advice, but will leave it to the
two concerned to work out their solution as wisely as they can, with
the facts spread out before them.
It is a matter concerning the private relations of the engaged couple,
when the attentions of outsiders pass the stage of the non-erotic,
and approach the erotic. Whether a man should be engaged to two or
more girls, and a woman to two or more men, at the same time, affects
the parties concerned too intimately to be regarded as a matter of
outsiders. Theoretically, there is much to be said on both sides.
A real engagement--a definite pledge to marry--cannot coexist with
an engagement to an outsider. The laws do not permit polygamy in
this country. Yet what are we to say of a provisional engagement,
where the parties merely assure each other that they think they
will marry each other, yet at the same time offer themselves to the
world as engaged? If such is the agreement, there is less objection
to concurrent engagements. From the standpoint of education in sex,
there is something to be said for the idea. Common sense would favor
it, yet human nature runs counter to common sense too often to let us
stop here. It is better, perhaps, to let the concurrent courtships
take place before the formal engagement; and then let the choice, for
the time being at least, be an exclusive choice. If either party is
attracted outside, to the extent of believing that more happiness lies
in the love of another, the engagement may be broken, and the other
relationship commenced and tested.
_Termination of Engagements._--Should an engagement be short, or long?
What is the proper length, for the happiness of the parties involved?
We have scriptural authority for the engagement lasting fourteen years:
the story of Jacob can be stretched into this interpretation. Jacob,
who loved Rachel, agreed with her father to serve seven years for her.
Frankly, we have yet to meet the woman who is worth such a sacrifice;
and, in this case, at the end of the seven years Jacob, tricked by his
prospective father-in-law, found himself married to the elder sister
Leah, instead of to his beloved. Accordingly, he put in another seven
years serving for Rachel, and, fourteen years after his engagement
started, was wed to her.
Especially in old-fashioned country districts, long engagements are
often known, and laughed at. There is the story of the countryman who
courted a schoolmate for years--until, in fact, both had drifted from
youth toward the end of middle age.
“Why don’t you marry Sarah?” he was asked.
“Marry her!” in surprise and dismay. “Why, if I got married, where in
tarnation could I go to spend my evenings?”
Long engagements are not wise. If the two are separated by
distance--if, for instance, the young man goes to the city to make
his financial way, so that marriage is possible--there is strong
chance that either he or she will find a more suitable mate. In such
cases, if the original engagement is carried out, happiness is almost
inevitable; and the breaking of the engagement may bring unhappiness to
at least one of the parties concerned. If the girl and man remain in
the same city, they gradually grow old, apart from each other. Their
little tricks and idiosyncrasies, which living together could have
smoothed out, become permanent--hardened into unbendable things. They
come to regard each other as matters of course, without the exquisite
physical thrill which love should mean. They have, in brief, all of the
discomfort and monotony of marriage without any of its joys.
Too brief engagements are at times more dangerous. This is especially
true where the man and girl have not known each other before. If they
have been raised side by side, there is small danger of being mated to
a person who will turn out, on closer acquaintance, to be everything
unworthy. The wisest thing is to let the engagement last a month or
longer, and then, if the mating is desired, take the plunge even on a
moderate income, than risk the danger of letting the engagement become
a tedious habit.
The normal termination of an engagement is marriage. Any book of
etiquette will tell you the formal ways to accept the mad gamble
of marriage, with all of the frills of such service, receptions,
honeymoons, and the like. The honeymoon, it may be pointed out, or the
period in which the deluded man and woman try to live on love alone,
is one of the most cruel inventions ever made by man. Its almost
invariable result (unless it be merely a brief trip, or a trip which
the parties desired to take anyhow) is to send them back to the city
thoroughly bored and disgusted with each other, and avid to interest
themselves, perhaps unduly, in parties outside the mated relationship.
For those who do not like the antique pomp of the marriage in church,
there is always the simpler ceremony of being married by a justice of
the peace, mayor, or alderman.
And there is, luckily for men and women, another termination possible,
and that is to break the engagement. This should not be done without
grave reason--but far more frequently than the actual breakings of
engagements, such a reason exists. The problem simply is, which
is better: to act wisely and terminate an unwise mating, which
would result in unhappiness, at the cost of some slight temporary
unhappiness; or to enter upon a life-time of unhappiness, or at best
a long stretch of it, breakable only by the costly and elaborate
method of separation or divorce, which may require the assumption by
one party or the other of a guilt not actually earned. Where the case
is so clear, there should be no hesitation: the engagement should be
terminated, the man accepting the blame out of a chivalrous insincerity
socially understood, and the parties parting, if possible, as friends.
If the matter is still uncertain, better a postponement than a
marriage, which may be repented soon enough. Only a mating which will
bring increasing happiness is wise, for that is the object of life, and
of its playtime, courtship.
VI
FAMOUS COURTSHIPS
_Courting by Poetry._--One of the invariable effects of the love
emotion is to inspire, in the amorous breast, the delusion that the man
or woman who is in love can write poetry. Most people can feel poetry,
but writing it is another story. Yet, whenever any celebrated case of
breach of promise comes up, we have the poetic effusions of him and her
published in the papers, for the delectation of the multitude. There
is good propaganda in courting the lady of your heart, or in replying
to the man of your heart, in the words of Shelley or some other great
lover--but your own words may not be as efficacious. Countless poetic
first volumes (and later ones, too), however, are filled up with the
overflow at wooing time, and occasionally such books are books which
the world would not willingly spare.
A favorite record of courtship by rhyme is _Lilies of the Valley_, by
Percival W. Wells, of Wantagh, New York. Could any woman resist strains
like this:
Life’s just begun! the flowing tide
Of love has stirred it into motion.
Farewell to bachelorhood’s calm pride,
And welcome, love’s intense emotion!
Faulty as the rhyme may be, the sentiment is flawless. Again,
Put thy hand in mine, and kiss me tenderly,
Beautiful Lilian, fashioned so slenderly;
Place a kiss upon my lips with thy dear lips so soft,
And do not stop with one, but kiss me oft.
How magically the “soft” evokes its rhyming mate, “oft.” “Soft,” which
at times is applied to brains, here refers to the lips. But for the
magic of rhyme, could we have had the picture of “Lilian” in the last
two words of this masterly confession?
I love thee, O I love thee, Lily; stay
Beside thy Percival and with sweet kisses say
That thou wilt always love him. Dearer than day
Art thou to me, O Lily--wanton fay!
Yet a poet out of the Village Milton class, say Shakespeare, might
be a safer guide in your own Muse flights. Shakespeare’s plays are
saturated with gorgeous examples of courtship. Othello’s magical wooing
of Desdemona is one type. Here the simple warrior and conqueror used
no method but the plain unadorned story of his deeds of daring. The
maiden’s heart capitulated to his indirect siege at the first attack. A
different love is Romeo’s, saturated with poetry:
Alack, there lies more peril in thine eye
Than twenty of their swords; look thou but sweet,
And I am proof against their enmity....
Sleep dwell upon thine eyes, peace in thy breast!
Would I were sleep and peace, so sweet to rest!
Then there is the caveman-wooing of Catherine the shrew by Petruchio
the roistering gallant--the most amusing courtship in Shakespeare, with
the possible exception of his bluff English king, who knows no French,
and his wooing of the spirited French princess, who knows no English.
But love speaks a language of its own and even this bar did not keep
the royal lovers from understanding each other. There is the simple,
childlike wooing of Ferdinand and Miranda in _The Tempest_, and there
is the passionate wooing--by the woman this time--of Adonis by Venus:
“Vouchsafe, thou, wonder, to alight thy steed,
And rein his proud head to the saddle-bow;
If thou wilt deign this favor, for thy meed
A thousand honey secrets shalt thou know:
Here come and sit, where never serpent hisses,
And being set, I’ll smother thee with kisses.
“Art thou ashamed to kiss! Then wink again,
And I will wink; so shall the day seem night;
Love keeps his revels where there are but twain;
Be bold to play, our sport is not in sight:
These blue-vein’d violets whereon we lean
Never can blab, nor know not what we mean....”
And having felt the sweetness of the spoil,
With blindfold fury she begins to forage;
Her face doth reek and smoke, her blood doth boil,
And careless lust stirs up a desperate courage;
Planting oblivion, beating reason back,
Forgetting shame’s pure blush and honor’s wrack.
Timid maids and men may well be reassured by this tempest of passion
on the part of love’s queen, and by the whole gallery of Shakespeare’s
great lovers.
_Great Lovers._--The world has its long roll of great lovers, whose
names are sweet on the tongues of the generations that come after them.
The Bible, in the _Song of Solomon_, has one of the greatest series of
love lyrics in all literature. David loved his Bath-Sheba as a king
loves; and Solomon was at least efficient, with his seven hundred
wives, princesses, and three hundred concubines. Helen of Sparta
eloped with Paris of Troy, and lighted the conflagration that burned
the topless towers of Troy to the ground, and embroiled the world in
the Trojan War and inspired the first two Greek epics. Dante saw the
girl Beatrice passing him on the street and as a result, he worshipped
her thereafter from a distance, and lifted her in imagination, in
his _Divine Comedy_, to the high throne of heaven. Don Juan was the
great predatory lover, putting on a new love as easily as he slipped
on a new garment. Bluebeard (or Gilles de Rais) was the bloodthirsty
lover; Cleopatra was the world’s queen, with Pompey, Caesar, and
Antony successively at her feet. In more modern times, Casanova was
the gentlest great lover of all time, with a roll of loves as long as
Solomon’s, and far more varied. Great secular popes, like Alexander VI,
the Borgia, were great in love; many of the Roman emperors were chiefly
distinguished in the lists of Cupid. Caesar himself was nicknamed “the
husband of all women.” Such men and women have made the history of
love. Read their love stories, as aids in your own suits.
Among the poets, we have had many great lovers. Shelley spent his
life in a high idealistic pursuit of the ideal woman, pouring out his
deathless lyrics to some Harriet or Mary or Jane or Emilia who captured
his fancy for the moment. Byron loved all over Europe, Keats burned out
his young life in a wild adoration of Fanny Brawne, as in this sonnet:
I cry you mercy--pity--love!--ay, love!
Merciful love that tantalizes not,
One-thoughted, never-wandering, guileless love,
Unmask’d, and being seen--without a blot!
O! let me have thee whole,--all--all--be mine!
That shape, that fairness, that sweet minor zest
Of love, your kiss,--those hands, those eyes divine,
That warm, white, lucent, million-pleasured breast--
Yourself--your soul--in pity give me all,
Withhold no atom’s atom or I die,
Or living on, perhaps, your wretched thrall,
Forget, in the midst of idle misery,
Life’s purposes,--the palate of my mind
Losing its gust, and my ambition blind!
Burns was a magnificent voice of love, who enriched man with many of
his choicest love-songs. Poe not only was a great lover, but used
the same poems successively with a number of desired women. Edna St.
Vincent Millay, among modern poets, has a charming cleverness in her
love-songs; and, indeed, modern poetry is full of excellent love
material. One of the most effective modern love sonnets is the dramatic
_Pirate Song_, from “Leaf Buds Turning Rose,” by the author of _The
Eagle Sonnets_:
Ahoy, there, you slim craft with the virgin ensign!
Heave to--we are boarding! You’re a fancy prey
To tread the slippery plank, or do your dancing
On air, over the wind-bedevilled spray.
Low in the water--you’ll be rotten with treasure!
Ay, there’ll be hot blood foulin’ your clean decks
When we shall tread you in our lordly pleasure
Then scuttle you with all the plundered wrecks.
Yet you’re a rakish craft.... How would you like it
To make one more of the buccaneering tell,
To raise the Jolly Roger, and not strike it
In the face of all the punishing fleets of hell?
By God, we’ll take you, then! Fair or foul weather,
Two of the black gentry, off together!
An amusing love story in rhyme is _The Lang Coortin’_, by Lewis
Carroll, best known for _Alice in Wonderland_. The lover for years
wooed the lady, saying no word of his love. She used his gold rings
as a chain for her doggie; stuffed the dog’s pillow with his repeated
locks of hair; and when he sent love letters from a far country, with
the postage still due on them, she had the postman take them all away.
For thirty years he had kept up this courtship: and now at last he
has come to propose. But the lady tells him, that, since he has lived
so satisfactorily for thirty years, he can wait a bit longer yet. He
repents, as he leaves her:
“O, if I find another lady,”
He said with sighs and tears,
“I am sure my courtin’ shall not be
Another thirty years;
“For if I find a lady gay
Exactly to my taste,
I’ll pop the question, aye or nay,
In twenty years, at most!”
There is a real lesson for lovers here. Do not postpone your proposal
until your grandchildren are old enough to laugh at your tardiness.
The first lovers were Adam and Eve, according to the Genesis story;
and Milton, in his largely unread _Paradise Lost_, has told their love
in resounding lines. The most recent lovers assumably include you who
are reading this book. Love is an art, as courtship and wooing is an
art: and your task is to perfect yourself in the art. You should make
your wooing serve the double function of winning the mate you desire
at the moment, and at the same time serve as an education to you in
the loved one, and the opposite sex in general. Both the educational
function, and the task of winning the desired one, call for your
highest abilities: and these abilities will be sharpened and increased
by a knowledge of man’s lore upon love, and the ups and downs of the
great lovers of the past. So saturate yourself, during the loving
period, with the literature of love: read carefully the love stories
of the world’s great lovers, and constantly increase your technique as
wooer, in the beginning of the courtship, in the actual engagement, and
in the most perilous of all periods--that period after the marriage has
commenced.
There is a third purpose, which hardly needs mention, and that is, the
pleasure that you yourself have in wooing. Pleasure consists in the
satisfying of an appetite--not in the satisfaction of it; when the
appetite is satisfied, your feeling becomes negative. The chase is
the fun; the gaining of the goal is a mere sense of accomplishment,
far below the joy of the running. Man has not only the appetite to
enjoy love, but the added appetite for the chase: and woman, daughter
of man, has this delight too, and an implanted pleasure in her part
of the wooing. Her part is, in general, more passive than man’s: she
gets her thrill from seeing the male or males cavorting before her,
in the endeavor to gain her approval. Yet, at times, when the worthy
male is backward or bashful, or young and inexperienced, she will
assume the aggressive, and be a very Venus in action. As a matter of
fact, no matter who does the actual wooing and proposing, it is today,
largely, woman who rules the field. How else explain her elaborate and
seductive dressing, to win man’s approval? Her concealment of this, and
display of that charm, her alluring perfume, her flattering pretense
that the man is the wisest being in the universe, her continuing
attentions to him in a thousand subtle little ways? These collectively
weave a net which even the wariest male fish may not often escape. Go
to your wooing, men, with all the courage you can: it is hardly the
time to reflect that you are being summoned to the slaughter, as the
spider nets her prey, as the spider nets her mate. It is pleasant to be
a victim of love: and some men found it a pleasure to be such a victim
constantly.
And when you have made yourself an artist in wooing, both in theory and
practice, do not be stingy with your lore, but pass it on to other men
and women, who lack it. For only the great in love are great in life,
and great in joy.
TRANSCRIBER’S NOTE
Page 6: “and the male surivives” changed to “and the male survives”.
Page 20: “when the left the office,” changed to
“when he left the office,”
Page 26: “how other people regared” changed to “how other people regard”
Page 26: “have always hear dmade” changed to “have always heard made”
Page 30: “in mens’ eyes:” changed to “in men’s eyes:”
Page 31: “box of chewy chololates” changed to “box of chewy chocolates”
Page 32: “or a permanent one:” changed to “or a permanent one--”
Page 33: “wholly unattractive:” changed to “wholly unattractive,”
Page 35: “ask time to consider” changed to “ask for time to consider”
Page 37: “Fancy Flitations.” changed to “Fancy Flirtations.”
Page 37: “space alloted to” changed to
“space allotted to”
Page 48: “out what her fiancée’s” changed to “out what her fiancé’s”
Page 49: “can elect pie” changed to “can select pie”
Page 52: “The concensus of intelligent” changed to
“The consensus of intelligent”
Page 53: “of to his beloved” changed to “of to his beloved.”
Page 57: “VI. FAMOUS COURTSHIPS” changed to “VI FAMOUS COURTSHIPS”
Page 58: “peril in this eye” changed to “peril in thine eye”
Page 58: “against their enmity. .” changed to “against their enmity....”
Page 59: “Forgetting shames’ pure” changed to “Forgetting shame’s pure”
Page 61: “cleverness in her love songs” changed to
“cleverness in her love-songs”
*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE ART OF COURTSHIP ***
Updated editions will replace the previous one—the old editions will
be renamed.
Creating the works from print editions not protected by U.S. copyright
law means that no one owns a United States copyright in these works,
so the Foundation (and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United
States without permission and without paying copyright
royalties. Special rules, set forth in the General Terms of Use part
of this license, apply to copying and distributing Project
Gutenberg™ electronic works to protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG™
concept and trademark. Project Gutenberg is a registered trademark,
and may not be used if you charge for an eBook, except by following
the terms of the trademark license, including paying royalties for use
of the Project Gutenberg trademark. If you do not charge anything for
copies of this eBook, complying with the trademark license is very
easy. You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose such as creation
of derivative works, reports, performances and research. Project
Gutenberg eBooks may be modified and printed and given away—you may
do practically ANYTHING in the United States with eBooks not protected
by U.S. copyright law. Redistribution is subject to the trademark
license, especially commercial redistribution.
START: FULL LICENSE
THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE
PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK
To protect the Project Gutenberg™ mission of promoting the free
distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work
(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase “Project
Gutenberg”), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full
Project Gutenberg™ License available with this file or online at
www.gutenberg.org/license.
Section 1. General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg™
electronic works
1.A. By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg™
electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to
and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property
(trademark/copyright) agreement. If you do not agree to abide by all
the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or
destroy all copies of Project Gutenberg™ electronic works in your
possession. If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a
Project Gutenberg™ electronic work and you do not agree to be bound
by the terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person
or entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8.
1.B. “Project Gutenberg” is a registered trademark. It may only be
used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who
agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement. There are a few
things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg™ electronic works
even without complying with the full terms of this agreement. See
paragraph 1.C below. There are a lot of things you can do with Project
Gutenberg™ electronic works if you follow the terms of this
agreement and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg™
electronic works. See paragraph 1.E below.
1.C. The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation (“the
Foundation” or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection
of Project Gutenberg™ electronic works. Nearly all the individual
works in the collection are in the public domain in the United
States. If an individual work is unprotected by copyright law in the
United States and you are located in the United States, we do not
claim a right to prevent you from copying, distributing, performing,
displaying or creating derivative works based on the work as long as
all references to Project Gutenberg are removed. Of course, we hope
that you will support the Project Gutenberg™ mission of promoting
free access to electronic works by freely sharing Project Gutenberg™
works in compliance with the terms of this agreement for keeping the
Project Gutenberg™ name associated with the work. You can easily
comply with the terms of this agreement by keeping this work in the
same format with its attached full Project Gutenberg™ License when
you share it without charge with others.
1.D. The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern
what you can do with this work. Copyright laws in most countries are
in a constant state of change. If you are outside the United States,
check the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this
agreement before downloading, copying, displaying, performing,
distributing or creating derivative works based on this work or any
other Project Gutenberg™ work. The Foundation makes no
representations concerning the copyright status of any work in any
country other than the United States.
1.E. Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg:
1.E.1. The following sentence, with active links to, or other
immediate access to, the full Project Gutenberg™ License must appear
prominently whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg™ work (any work
on which the phrase “Project Gutenberg” appears, or with which the
phrase “Project Gutenberg” is associated) is accessed, displayed,
performed, viewed, copied or distributed:
This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and most
other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions
whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms
of the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online
at www.gutenberg.org. If you
are not located in the United States, you will have to check the laws
of the country where you are located before using this eBook.
1.E.2. If an individual Project Gutenberg™ electronic work is
derived from texts not protected by U.S. copyright law (does not
contain a notice indicating that it is posted with permission of the
copyright holder), the work can be copied and distributed to anyone in
the United States without paying any fees or charges. If you are
redistributing or providing access to a work with the phrase “Project
Gutenberg” associated with or appearing on the work, you must comply
either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 or
obtain permission for the use of the work and the Project Gutenberg™
trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or 1.E.9.
1.E.3. If an individual Project Gutenberg™ electronic work is posted
with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution
must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any
additional terms imposed by the copyright holder. Additional terms
will be linked to the Project Gutenberg™ License for all works
posted with the permission of the copyright holder found at the
beginning of this work.
1.E.4. Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg™
License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this
work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg™.
1.E.5. Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this
electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without
prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with
active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project
Gutenberg™ License.
1.E.6. You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary,
compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including
any word processing or hypertext form. However, if you provide access
to or distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg™ work in a format
other than “Plain Vanilla ASCII” or other format used in the official
version posted on the official Project Gutenberg™ website
(www.gutenberg.org), you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense
to the user, provide a copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means
of obtaining a copy upon request, of the work in its original “Plain
Vanilla ASCII” or other form. Any alternate format must include the
full Project Gutenberg™ License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1.
1.E.7. Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying,
performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg™ works
unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9.
1.E.8. You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing
access to or distributing Project Gutenberg™ electronic works
provided that:
• You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from
the use of Project Gutenberg™ works calculated using the method
you already use to calculate your applicable taxes. The fee is owed
to the owner of the Project Gutenberg™ trademark, but he has
agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the Project
Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation. Royalty payments must be paid
within 60 days following each date on which you prepare (or are
legally required to prepare) your periodic tax returns. Royalty
payments should be clearly marked as such and sent to the Project
Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the address specified in
Section 4, “Information about donations to the Project Gutenberg
Literary Archive Foundation.”
• You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies
you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he
does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg™
License. You must require such a user to return or destroy all
copies of the works possessed in a physical medium and discontinue
all use of and all access to other copies of Project Gutenberg™
works.
• You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of
any money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the
electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days of
receipt of the work.
• You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free
distribution of Project Gutenberg™ works.
1.E.9. If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project
Gutenberg™ electronic work or group of works on different terms than
are set forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing
from the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the manager of
the Project Gutenberg™ trademark. Contact the Foundation as set
forth in Section 3 below.
1.F.
1.F.1. Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable
effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread
works not protected by U.S. copyright law in creating the Project
Gutenberg™ collection. Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg™
electronic works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may
contain “Defects,” such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate
or corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other
intellectual property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or
other medium, a computer virus, or computer codes that damage or
cannot be read by your equipment.
1.F.2. LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the “Right
of Replacement or Refund” described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project
Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project
Gutenberg™ trademark, and any other party distributing a Project
Gutenberg™ electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all
liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal
fees. YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT
LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE
PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH 1.F.3. YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE
TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE
LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR
INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH
DAMAGE.
1.F.3. LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a
defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can
receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a
written explanation to the person you received the work from. If you
received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium
with your written explanation. The person or entity that provided you
with the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in
lieu of a refund. If you received the work electronically, the person
or entity providing it to you may choose to give you a second
opportunity to receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund. If
the second copy is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing
without further opportunities to fix the problem.
1.F.4. Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth
in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you ‘AS-IS’, WITH NO
OTHER WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT
LIMITED TO WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE.
1.F.5. Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied
warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of
damages. If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement
violates the law of the state applicable to this agreement, the
agreement shall be interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or
limitation permitted by the applicable state law. The invalidity or
unenforceability of any provision of this agreement shall not void the
remaining provisions.
1.F.6. INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the
trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone
providing copies of Project Gutenberg™ electronic works in
accordance with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the
production, promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg™
electronic works, harmless from all liability, costs and expenses,
including legal fees, that arise directly or indirectly from any of
the following which you do or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this
or any Project Gutenberg™ work, (b) alteration, modification, or
additions or deletions to any Project Gutenberg™ work, and (c) any
Defect you cause.
Section 2. Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg™
Project Gutenberg™ is synonymous with the free distribution of
electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of
computers including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers. It
exists because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations
from people in all walks of life.
Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the
assistance they need are critical to reaching Project Gutenberg™’s
goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg™ collection will
remain freely available for generations to come. In 2001, the Project
Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure
and permanent future for Project Gutenberg™ and future
generations. To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary
Archive Foundation and how your efforts and donations can help, see
Sections 3 and 4 and the Foundation information page at www.gutenberg.org.
Section 3. Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation
The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non-profit
501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the
state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal
Revenue Service. The Foundation’s EIN or federal tax identification
number is 64-6221541. Contributions to the Project Gutenberg Literary
Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent permitted by
U.S. federal laws and your state’s laws.
The Foundation’s business office is located at 809 North 1500 West,
Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887. Email contact links and up
to date contact information can be found at the Foundation’s website
and official page at www.gutenberg.org/contact
Section 4. Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg
Literary Archive Foundation
Project Gutenberg™ depends upon and cannot survive without widespread
public support and donations to carry out its mission of
increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be
freely distributed in machine-readable form accessible by the widest
array of equipment including outdated equipment. Many small donations
($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt
status with the IRS.
The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating
charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United
States. Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a
considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up
with these requirements. We do not solicit donations in locations
where we have not received written confirmation of compliance. To SEND
DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any particular state
visit www.gutenberg.org/donate.
While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we
have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition
against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who
approach us with offers to donate.
International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make
any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from
outside the United States. U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff.
Please check the Project Gutenberg web pages for current donation
methods and addresses. Donations are accepted in a number of other
ways including checks, online payments and credit card donations. To
donate, please visit: www.gutenberg.org/donate.
Section 5. General Information About Project Gutenberg™ electronic works
Professor Michael S. Hart was the originator of the Project
Gutenberg™ concept of a library of electronic works that could be
freely shared with anyone. For forty years, he produced and
distributed Project Gutenberg™ eBooks with only a loose network of
volunteer support.
Project Gutenberg™ eBooks are often created from several printed
editions, all of which are confirmed as not protected by copyright in
the U.S. unless a copyright notice is included. Thus, we do not
necessarily keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper
edition.
Most people start at our website which has the main PG search
facility: www.gutenberg.org.
This website includes information about Project Gutenberg™,
including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary
Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to
subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks.
